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“Aluluts–”“Papa mo kalbo– Ces!”Hindi maiwasan ng nakababatang matawa nang mahina sa reaksyon ni Nata. Bakas ang matinding pagkagulat sa mukha ng binata nang marinig ang boses ng kaibigan– ng minamahal.Nakaupo sa driver’s seat si Nata habang nakabukas ang pinto, tahimik at akatanaw lang sa mga sanga ng nagkalat na mga bougainvillea pati na rin sa kulay kahel na langit. Alas kwatro y medya na ng hapon kaya’t palubog na rin ang haring araw, ang matingkad na kulay ng langit ang kumukumpleto sa maliliit na bulaklak na kulay pink pati na rin sa mga dahong malalim na berde ang tinta. Walang tao at madalas na hindi dinarayo ang lugar kung nasa’n silang dalawa, kaya ito ang napili nilang spot no’ng mga panahong sa damo pa nanggagaling ang kanilang saya. “Kanina ka pa dito?” Tanong ni Ces sa tulalang si Nata habang dahan-dahang lumalapit sa nakaparadang sasakyan. “May dumi ba ‘ko sa mukha? Ba’t parang gulat na gulat ka?”Nata shook his head and was about to stand up when Ces stopped him. “‘Wag ka na tumayo, mas komportable nang nakaupo. Baka… B-Baka mangalay ka pa…”Tahimik at taimtim lang na sumunod si Nata sa utos ng nakababata, pilit na hinahanap muli ang komportableng pwesto ng kaniyang pagkakaupo sa leather seat ng kaniyang sasakyan habang pinapanood na umupo sa sahig si Ces. “Marumi d’yan–”“Naka itim naman akong pants, okay lang ‘yan.”Mabilis silang binalot ng katahimikan, walang nagsasalita, at mukhang walang may balak magpanimula. Both are basking in the fresh air that slaps their skins, and the peace of sitting at the very same place they found escape before, together. Nakatagilid at nakatingin lang sa langit si Ces, habang si Nata naman ay taimtim lang na pinagmamasdan ang maganda at ‘di makatotohanang tanawin sa kaniyang harapan. Putangina, kahit side-view, ang ganda. Sobrang ganda.Lowered ang sasakyan ni Nata, kaya ramdam niya ang init na sumisingaw mula sa katawan ni Ces dahil sa lapit nito sa kaniyang mga paa. Muntik pa siyang mapabalikwas nang tumalikod sa kaniya ang nakababata at humarap mismo sa kung sa’n mas kita ang paglubog ng araw. “Gaano na ba tayo katagal magkakilala, ‘Ta?” Ces asked, voice low but loud enough to reach Nata’s ears. “Isang dekada? ‘Di, eh… mas higit pa. Six… sixteen? Sixteen years? Tama ba ‘ko?”Mag la-labing pito na sa birthday mo, sinta. A faint chuckle escaped Ces’ lips. “Five years old ako nung lumipat kami sa Capoa… tanda mo pa? Pangalawang araw namin do’n, birthday ko, tapos nung pumunta ako ng court, binato mo ‘ko ng bola?” kwento niya. “Kingina… bata pa lang, gago ka na talaga.”Looking back, Nata clearly remembers every detail of what happened. Ces was wearing a white cap, a blue shirt, and a black shorts. Barefoot, with his crusty neon green skateboard with red wheels as his transpo. Tandang tanda pa ni Nata lahat, pati na rin ang amoy araw niyang balat. “Ni-hindi ka man lang nag sorry no’n, gago ka…” ani Ces, nakatalikod pa rin sa kaniya. “You didn’t say sorry but you helped me get back up… you helped me dust off the dirt in my shorts that time and asked me if I wanna play with you and your friend named Isaac…”
Klaro pa, sobra.
Ces smiled to himself. “Hindi ka nag sorry pero pakundangan mo na yata sa ‘kin ‘yung inaya mo ako,” he said, a faint laugh following not long after. “Simula no’n… ‘di na tayong tatlo mapaghiwalay… lalo na tayong dalawa, lagi tayong magkasama.”Isaac, Nata, and Ces became a trio after that incident. Always roaming around the busy streets of Capoa, each of them holding an ice cream that cost only five pesos for two flavors already. Always laughing, always lazing around… always together, through their ups and downs. Man, those were the times. “Nadala mo hanggang ngayon ‘yang ganiyan, ‘no?” asked Ces, craning his neck to one side to let Nata have a peek of his beautiful side profile once more. “Hanggang ngayon… ngayong bente tres ka na… ‘di ka pa rin marunong mag sorry.”“Ces–”“I mean– yeah… you did say sorry,” tuloy ng nakababata. “A lot of times, actually. Hindi ko na nga mabilang kung ilang beses… hindi ko na rin matandaan kung kailan ‘yung huli… kahapon ba? Nung isang araw? Kagabi? Kanina?”Nata remained silent, his eyes fixed on Ces' profile, watching the subtle movements of his lips as he spoke. There was a heaviness in his chest—a mix of remorse and yearning that he couldn't escape. The memories of their childhood, the bond they had built, and the love that blossomed between them were all swirling in his mind.Malumanay lang ang tono ng pananalita ni Frances at ibinalik ang tingin sa kaniyang harapan, at dahan-dahang isinandal ang likod sa paanan ni Nata. Ramdam niya ang pagkagulat sa munting pagsinghap ng nakatatanda, kaya agad siyang napangiti, leaning all his weight on Nata until his head is laying on the elder’s left knee.“You apologized countless of times,” aniya habang nakapikit. Kitang kita na ni Nata ang kabuohan ng kaniyang mukha, at ni-katiting na pagka-ilang ay wala siyang naramdaman. “‘I’m sorry, Ces’, ‘Hayaan mo akong makabawi sa ‘yo’, ‘Babaguhin ko kung anong dapat kong baguhin para sa ‘kin at para sa ‘yo’... it felt nice to read those messages from you, ‘Ta, it feels nice… I ain’t gonna lie.”Ces slowly opened his eyes, looking at Nata as he heaved a big inhale. “It feels so… so nice to read those words coming from you… What more if I hear you say it out loud?” And then there was silence. The rustling of the leaves became their background music as they stared into each other’s eyes. Longing, agony, patching up, saying sorry, leaving, or reconciling—emotions and a heavy weight of thought engulfed the both of them as they sat there in silence.The breeze carried a scent of supple ground and budding flowers, which stood in sharp contrast to the tempest forming within their hearts and minds. Nata's fingers trembled, a reflex as he battled the need to reach out and touch Ces, to bridge the distance between them with anything other than words.Nanatili silang nakatingin sa malamlam na mata ng isa’t isa, hindi alam kung anong uunahing sabihin o gawin, lalo na si Nata. Hindi niya alam kung nararapat bang hagkan niya si Ces, o dapat bang mag hunus dili siya’t pumirmi na lang sa kaniyang kinauupuan. Ces was the one who broke the eye contact, breathing in the fresh air as he roamed his eyes once more on the skies. Nagbago ang kulay ng langit sa saglit na panahong hindi siya ro’n nakatitig, ang kaninang kulay kahel na kalangitan ay onti-onting dumidilim at kumukulimlim, kasabay ng bahagyang pagbilis ng kaniyang pusong sa loob ay taimtim.
Fuck, not today, please.
The younger swallowed the big lump on his throat, watching as the skies get darker on each passing second, and on each blink his eyes does. Hindi nakawala sa paningin ni Nata ang marahang pagtaas-baba ng dibdib ng nakababata, kaya’t agad niyang sinundan kung nasa’n ang pokus ng mga mata ni Ces. Soft roaring of the skies elicited a low ‘fuck’ from Nata’s lips, his eyes looking down immediately and seeking Ces’ blown-out pupils. May pag-aalangang namumuo sa kaniyang sistema, hindi alam kung ano ang unang sasabihin o gagawin sa kababata.Iisang mabigat na patak lang ng ulan ang gumising sa katawang tao ni Nata. He held Ces’ shoulders with the utmost care, so soft as if he were a very fragile glass. Slowly, he shook the younger to gain his attention, clearing his throat as he silently prayed to all the gods out there that he wasn't sweating buckets from nervousness. “Ces– pasok…” pag-aalangan niya nang titigan siya pabalik ng nakababata. “P-Pumasok na lang muna siguro tayo sa loob ng sasakyan… mukhang ‘di maganda timpla ng panahon, eh… ano… a-ayos– ayos lang ba?”
⚖️
FRANCES
Nakakabingi, sobrang nakakabingi. Maliban sa mabibigat na patak ng ulang dumadapo sa bubong ng sasakyan pati na rin ang mahinang ugong ng AC at ng makina, bukod do’n, wala nang kung ano pang ingay sa pagitan naming dalawa. He’s probably wondering what to do now… or what to even say. Panay ang tapik niya sa steering wheel at dahil sa sobra naming tahimik, rinig na rinig ko ang pagkaskas ng mga daliri niya sa leather na manibela. Sa labas lang ako nakatingin, panay din ang lunok ko sa tuwing nilalabanan ko ang takot ko sa ulan. I didn’t even notice I was shaking until Nata placed a blanket on my lap. “D-Dito… Dito kasi ako natutulog m-minsan,” rinig kong sambit niya. “Gamitin mo na muna… mukhang– m-mukhang nilalamig ka…”Hindi na ako nagreklamo at kinuha na lang ang kumot na alok niya. Kulay puti at makapal, kahit hindi ko tignan, alam kong ito ang kumot sa kwarto niyang lagi naming ginagamit kapag do’n ako natutulog sa kanila. Ang rason niya, mas lalo raw kasing bumabango kapag ako ang gumagamit ng kumot niya. Sa dinami-rami ng gusto kong sabihin kaninang papunta pa ang ako rito, parang lahat ‘yon, nawala. Ngayong magkasama na kami, para akong napipe, kingina. Akala ko ba mag-uusap? Bakit para kaming magdadasal sa sobra naming tahimik?Ito na naman, para na naman kaming nagpapakiramdaman. “Ces–”
“‘Ta–”Para kaming gagong nagkatinginan dahil sa pagkakasalisihan naming dalawa. Hindi ko agad inalis ang tingin ko sa mukha ni Nata, para kasing… kahit na hindi naman kami gaanong magkalayo, hindi ko na kabisado ang bawat kanto ng maamo niyang mukha. Biruin mo ‘yon, sobrang amo ng mukha pero tarantado kung kumana. Bilib din talaga ako sa kakaibang taglay nito ni Nata, pero kahit na gano’n, alam ko namang sa loob loob niya, isa siyang mabuting tao. Mabuting anak, mabuting kaibigan, mabuting pinsan, mabuting apo… mabuti rin kaya siya para sa puso ko? “Ikaw na mauna–”
“‘Di, sige ikaw na–”Hindi ko na mapigilang matawa sa katangahan naming dalawa. Tinanguan ko siya bilang senyas na siya na ang maunang magsalita, na handa akong makinig sa kung ano mang sasabihin niya, handa na akong intindihin kung ano man ang hinanaing na mayroon siya. “I’m…” sa kaniya lang nakapako ang mga mata ko, habang siya, nakatingin lang diretso sa harapan. Hindi nakawala sa paningin ko ang mahinang panginginig ng kaniyang labi at mga kamay, namumuti na rin ang kamao niya sa tindi ng pagkakahawak niya sa manibela. His breathing got heavier, and the subtle light from the outside illuminated his eyes that are pooling with tears. Tangina… para rin akong tinutusok ng karayom sa tuwing makikita kong ganito si Nata. Hindi ko kaya, hindi ko kinakaya, kaya umiwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya. “I-I’m… I’m sorry…” Sa tagal naming magkaibigan at magkasama, bilang lang sa isang kamay ko ang mga pagkakataon na nakita kong umiyak si Nata. Bilang lang ang mga pangyayaring narinig kong ganiyan kung manginig ang boses niya dahil sa kaba, o dahil sa nasasaktan na siya. Bilang lang sa isa kong kamay kung ilang beses ko nang pinunasan ang mapapait niyang luha. Limang beses… at lahat nang ‘yon, dahil lang sa Papa niya. “Hindi naman gano’n kadaling patawarin ‘yung nagawa ko… a-alam ko naman ‘yon,” kahit na hindi ko siya lingunin, alam kong bumagsak na ang mga nagbabadya niyang luha. “Alam kong nasaktan kita… sobra… iniwan kitang mag-isa, putangina– sobrang gago kong ‘di man lang kita binihisan bago umalis.” Napalunok ako sa aking mga narinig, ang mga mapapait at masasakit na alaala ng nagdaang buwan ay sumisilay na naman mula sa kadulo-duluhan ng utak ko. Mga alaalang pinilit kong ibaon sa limot, alaalang naging dahilan kung bakit humantong kami sa ganitong punto. “N-Nasigawan kita– tangina– I’m really sorry, Ces…” naninikip ang dibdib ko sa bawat nagdaang segundo dahil sa lumalakas niyang paghikbi. Hindi ako sanay na ganito si Nata, hindi ako sanay na nakikita siyang mahina. “I.. I-I was a coward– ‘di, eh… I am a coward… hindi ko nagawang aminin sa ‘yo agad kasi… k-kasi natakot ako, Ces… gets mo ba ‘ko? Sobrang… s-sobrang natakot ako–”“Bakit ka natakot–”“Kasi baka iwan mo ‘ko ‘pag nalaman mo kung anong nararamdaman ko–”Putangina. “Gano’n ba ako kababaw para sa ‘yo?”Muli na naman kaming binalot ng katahimikan nang harapin ko siya’t harapin niya rin ako. Mata sa mata, parehas kaming nag-uusap tungkol sa mga bagay na hindi pa namin nasasabi sa isa’t isa. Hindi ko na napigilan ang paghikbi nang makita ko ang tuloy tuloy na pag-agos ng luha sa kaniyang mga mukha. Nakakagalit, hindi ko alam kung bakit. Putanginang buhay ‘to, gaano ba ako sa kababaw sa paningin mo, Nata?
⚖️
“Was I not obvious, ‘Ta?”Lalong humigpit ang paghawak ni Nata sa manibela, ang yosi sa kaliwa niyang kamay ay punit at pitpit na. Gusto niyang ‘di sumang-ayon, gusto niyang umalma, ngunit mas naisip niyang makinig na lang muna sa kung ano man ang sinisigaw ng puso ng nakababata. Ces chuckled. “Hindi ako nagyoyosi… pero para sa’yo, sumubok ako. ‘Di ako umiinom ng hard drinks, sila Isaac nga tinanggihan ko, p-pero nung inaya mo ‘ko… uminom ako. Putangina– hindi ako dumadamo, ‘Ta… I… I-I never saw myself rolling a blunt but… b-but… but when I saw you doing it because you said ‘Dito na lang akong sumasaya’, I sat down beside you and watched you light the tip…” aniya. “Pinanood kitang humipak sa– s-sa putanginang weed na ‘yon… kung pa’no ka tumawa na para kang wala sa sarili nang ilang ulit mo ‘yong ginawa… I was there, ‘Ta… watching you… weighing my decisions, my options…” A sob, a choked up hitch. Ces’ voice cracked as he continued, his words spilling out like a dam breaking. “Inisip ko… kung gagawin ko rin ‘yon… sasaya ka rin ba sa ‘kin? Kung rorolyo rin ako… sasaya ka ba sa ‘kin? Kung gagayahin kita… m-magiging masaya ba tayong dalawa?” tugon ni Ces, malumanay pa rin ang boses habang nakatingin kay Nata. “Kaya no’ng gabing inalok mo ‘ko, birthday ni Isaac… k-kahit nag-aalangan ako sa takot… pumayag ako. Hinayaan kitang turuan ako, pag rolyohan ako… halikan ako nung sinabi mong mag sh-shotgun lang tayo… k-kantutin ako, binigay ko virginity ko sa ‘yo… puso at katawan ko… na sa’yo…”Letting his tears flow freely, Ces cried. “Tapos… T-Tapos sasabihin mo sa ‘kin na… n-na baka iwan kita ‘pag nalaman ko kung anong nararamdaman mo? Kingina… parang ang babaw babaw ko naman ata masyado para sa ‘yo kung gano’n, Nata…”Tahimik lang na nakikinig sa kaniya ang nakatatanda, kating kating punasan ang mga luhang dumadausdos sa makinis niyang mukha. Ces couldn’t help it no more but to cry out loud, his heart aching he could almost feel the pain burning his throat, blocking his airways. “I… I-I took risks for you… pero ‘wag mong isiping nanumumbat ako,” tuloy niya sa kaniyang sinasabi. “Sumugal ako kahit na hindi ko alam kung sa’n ako pupulutin ng pagsugal ko, Kevin… at kung hindi mo ‘yon nakita man lang o napansin, wala na ‘yon sa akin.” “Ces–”“It’s not on me anymore that you’re fucking blind and dense, ‘Ta…” asik ng nakababata. “Kaya siguro akala mo iiwanan kita kasi ‘di mo man lang ako ‘kinonsulta kung may nararamdaman din ba ako para sa ‘yo o wala–” “Kasi nga natatakot ako,” hindi man pasigaw, bakas ang diin sa tono ni Nata nang putulin niya ang sinasabi ni Ces. “Frances… Gabo… hindi ako bulag. Hindi ako tanga at mas lalong hindi ako manhid para ‘di ko man lang maramdaman lahat lahat ng ginawa mo para sa ‘kin–”“O, edi anong problema natin–”Nata scoffed, the sound harsh and bitter. “Malay ko bang ginagawa mo lang ‘yon dahil lang sa usapan nating kata-katawan lang? Malay ko bang physical attraction lang ‘yang nararamdaman mo sa akin?”“Bakit hindi mo ‘ko tinanong? Bakit hindi mo na lang sana ako kinausap nang maayos?!” Ces’ voice was filled with frustration, desperation. “Ako? Ako?! Ako na kayang kayang gawin lahat para sa 'yo, tapos… t-tapos pagdududahan mo pa 'ko?"“Natatakot ako,” Nata repeated, his own voice cracking now. “Natatakot akong malaman na baka hindi ka seryoso… na baka iniisip mo lang na gawin mo ‘yon dahil lang sa trip natin, dahil lang sa usapan natin,” ang mga hikbing pilit niyang pigilan ay kusa nang lumabas sa nanginginig niyang labi. “Na… N-Na baka ‘pag umamin ako… m-mawala ka sa ‘kin…”The car fell silent, the weight of unspoken fears and unfulfilled desires hanging heavy between them. Ces felt like he was being torn apart, his heart ripped into pieces by the very person he had given it to. Each tear that fell from Nata’s eyes felt like a knife twisting deeper into his own chest, the agony almost too much to bear.Hindi man nila bigkasin nang malakas, alam nilang sa kadulo-duluhan ng kanilang mga puso, nagkakaintindihan silang dalawa kahit na mabagal at paunti-unti. It was the kind of understanding that makes Ces’ blood boil, his anger reach its highest peak, and his frustration go haywire as if it weren’t in that state in the very first place. Fuck a bitch whose tail keeps wagging but can’t bark, he thinks.He stayed silent, trying to calm his nerves and stop himself from lashing out. He sat there, knuckles turning white from the painful clench he had been doing since the elder started talking.Nata’s tears flowed even harder, and his voice trembling. “Natatakot ako kasi mahal kita. Mahal kita sa paraang hindi ko alam kung paano ipapakita nang hindi ka mawawala… Tangina, Ces… ang dami kong sabit. Hindi babae, hindi lalaki, hindi ibang tao kundi sabit na problema sa sarili…” “Pagtawanan mo na ‘ko o ano pero natatakot akong iparamdam sa ‘yong mahal kita habang ‘di pa ako buo,” Nata continued. “Ramdam ko, Ces… nararamdaman kita… kaya sa mga sandaling pwede kong ibulong sa ‘yong mahal kita, lagi ko nang ginagawa. ‘Pag tulog ka… katabi kita… magkapalupot tayo sa kama… tawagin mo na akong parang kriminal na kumakain sa dilim pero hanggang do’n ko pa lang nasasabi sa ‘yong mahal kita… k-kahit palihim…”The elder wiped his tears, removing his hand from the steering wheel as he sat down properly, facing the front and leaning back on the driver’s seat. On the other hand, Ces watched him, intrigued by the sudden confession.
Intrigued and mad.
Hindi man inaasahan, ngunit may ngiting sumilay sa mga labi ni Nata. “Sapat na sa ‘king nabubulong ko sa ‘yong mahal kita kahit nasa ibang daymensyon ka… tingin ko no’n, sapat na ‘yon. Hanggang sa dumating ‘yung panahong halos araw-araw na kitang hinahanap… do’n ko napagtantong ah, pucha… lumalalim na ‘ko.” “‘Kala ko sapat na ‘yon, na okay na ‘ko sa gano’n… pero ‘la, eh…” Nata snickered. “Dumating ako sa puntong kating kati na akong sabihin sa ‘yo pero napangunahan ako ng takot… na… n-na gano’n nga, kata-katawan lang ‘to para sa ‘yo… na baka hindi sapat ‘tong pagmamahal na meron ako para sa ‘yo kasi ‘d-di pa ‘ko buo kasi marami pang kulang sa pagkatao ko… na baka mawala ka sa ‘kin, bilang kaibigan at minamahal ko, ‘pag nalaman mo lahat nang ‘to–” “Duwag,” Ces said, his voice barely above a whisper, his own fears and vulnerabilities laid bare, the madness and pent-up frustrations slowly making their way out of his system.The elder’s gaze met Ces', his eyes shimmering with new tears flowing down his face after hearing what the younger just said. “Pero Ces, ang hirap... ang hirap maging tapat sa 'yo habang iniisip ko kung may sapat ba akong ibibigay… kung sapat ba ako para sa'yo… pero tangina, kahit na gano’n, gusto kong patunayan sa ‘yong kaya ko.”
Susugal ako, basta sa ‘yo.
“Gusto ko patunayang kaya kong ibigay sa ‘yo kung anong nararapat na pagmamahal para sa ‘yo,” direstong sambit ni Nata. “Na kaya kitang pasayahin kahit na may kulang pa sa ‘kin… na kaya kong maging buo b-basta… basta hawak ko ‘yang kamay mo–”“Ang laki mong duwag.”Binalot sila ng katahimikan sa sinabi ng nakababata. Kung susumahin, kanina pang hindi bumabalikwas si Ces, kahit na may sasaglit na kulog silang maririnig. Dahil ba sa nagsasagutan sila, o dahil sa galit na lalo lang namumuo sa loob loob niya?Sa kadulo-duluhan ng kaniyang pag-iisip, alam niyang kahit anong pilit niyang iwakli, kahit na anong gulo ang mangyari, hindi niya kayang itangging lahat ay tila klaro at kalmado basta’t kasama niya si Nata, palagi. He wants to listen to whatever Nata is shitting out, wants to understand more, and just stays still, trying his very best to understand his good old friend, but damn, he can’t help it but shoots daggers in Nata’s direction.The pouring rain seemed endless, with heavy droplets tapping the car roof loud enough to fill the void their silence made. Wala pa ring umiiwas sa kanilang tinginan, at mas lalo lang ‘yong lumalim nang dahan-dahang abutin ni Nata ang magandang mukha ng nakababata.Ramdam ni Nata ang galit sa bawat pagbitaw ng malalim na hininga ni Ces. Alam niyang ang paggalaw ng kaniyang kamay papalapit sa maganda and maamo nitong mukha ay delikado at krusyal, ngunit, hindi siya nagpatinag at nagpatuloy pa rin sa gustong gawin.
Kayang kaya kong saluhin lahat ng galit mo sa ‘kin.
“Look at you…” with a soft smile, Nata cupped Ces’ face with his right hand. His head’s still leaning on the headrest of his seat, craning his neck to the right just to admire the beauty sitting just beside him. “Ang sarap sarap mo sigurong alagaan…”Closing his eyes, he let his thumb draw small circles on the younger’s cheek, feeling Ces leaning to his touch, holding his hand so tight that it almost felt suffocating.“Sobrang ganda mo… na kahit nakapikit ako, utak ko punong puno ng mukha mo. Sobrang gwapo mo… bango, bait, talino… pucha, ikaw lang yata ang ‘sobrang’ hindi ako kailanman magrereklamo.”“Sobrang sarap mo sigurong magmahal,” mapait ang tawang ginawad ni Nata nang maramdaman niyang hawakan ni Ces ang kamay na nasa kaniyang mukha. “Tangina, Frances… s-sobrang sarap mo sigurong mahalin…”“You’re–”
“Mahalin nang ‘di nag-aalinlangan…” ani Nata. “Nang ‘di natatakot, nang ‘di nagpapapigil sa takot. Yawa… ang saya naman no’n pakinggan–”“You’re a fucking coward,” Ces said, removing Nata’s hand from his face aggressively and sitting up straight. “Lakas ng loob mong magsabi ng mga ganiyan, hindi mo naman kayang panindigan?” With a cunning smile, Ces spoke.He couldn't contain the anger bubbling up from the words spoken by the elder. It felt like all the pent-up frustration had exploded at once. Everything just... doesn't make sense to him.Just... how can Nata utter those words out loud, wish upon the skies, and not do anything? The overflow of emotions was evident in his eyes, which were blazing with rage and disappointment. His fists clenched tighter with each passing moment, as if he wanted to punch the wall to alleviate the pain he was feeling.He couldn't comprehend how Nata could say such things so casually, as if dreaming and making promises were effortless. His heart felt like it was breaking at the words that seemed meaningless to the speaker. Those dreams meant nothing if they weren't backed by actions and meaningful decisions.
Why was it so easy for Nata to speak, while I lived through actions, through meaningful choices?
Ces couldn't hold back; the anger that had long been dormant in his chest now rose like a beast. He wanted to scream, to let Nata know all the pain and anger he was harboring. Yet, amidst it all, there was still hope. Hope that their lives will change, that Nata will fulfill the words he has spoken. But with each passing day without change, his trust slowly dwindled, like a candle losing its light.“Ces–”The younger scoffed. “‘Mahalin nang ‘di nag-aalinlangan’, cut the crap. Then, why can’t you do just that? If you really love me, why can’t you fight for us? Why can’t you face your own shit and man up, ‘Ta? Why… W-Why do you have to hurt me so bad first? Ano, gagaguhin mo muna ‘ko bago mo maaamin sa sarili mong ‘worth fighting for’ ako? Tapos magiging idealistic ka, sasabihin mo sa ‘king ang sarap sarap ko sigurong mahalin? ‘ Siguro?!’ Bakit ‘di ka maging matapang tapos tsaka mo alamin?!”Nata’s breath hitched, the pain in his chest growing with every word that Ces threw at him. “I want to… I really do. Tangina, alam ng Diyos kung gaano ko gustong maging matapang para sa ‘yo… para sa 'tin, pero Ces… I’m scared of losing you– “Bullshit! Natatakot kang mawala ako, pero hindi mo nga ako kayang ipaglaban,” Ces snapped, his voice trembling with anger. “Ni-hindi mo kayang harapin ‘yang sarili mong kaguluhan, tapos… t-tapos iisipin mo pang ilaban? Kung talagang mahal mo ako, hindi ka matatakot. Kung mahal mo ako, y-you would’ve fought for us… You would’ve taken the risk.”“Hindi mo naiintindihan–”“Ang hindi ko maintindihan, ‘Ta, bakit mo ko sinabihang mahal kita tapos natatakot ka lang din pala? Kung kakahol ka tapos ‘yang buntot mo, nakabahag naman?” the younger interrupted, his voice rising with every word. “Ano ‘to, laro? Trip? Hanggang trippings na lang? Kingina naman, Nata… bakit mo ‘ko pinaasa kung sa dulo naman, titibagin mo rin pala?”Nata felt his heart shatter with every accusation and every harsh word that Ces threw at him. He wanted to scream, to tell Ces that he was wrong and that he wasn’t just a coward, but the words wouldn’t come. All he could do was sit there, tears streaming down his face, his heart aching with the weight of his unspoken fears.Ces' eyes were blazing with anger and hurt. “I’ve given you everything, ‘Ta… Lahat-lahat na ginawa ko para sa’yo, para mapansin mo ‘tong lecheng nararamdaman ko… p-para maipakita ko sa ’yo na mahal kita! Pero hindi mo man lang nakita– hindi mo man lang sinubukang tignan k-kasi… kasi natatakot ka? Pucha, kung ganon lang din pala, sana sinabi mo na agad, sana hindi na ako umasa pa!”“Ces, hindi gano’n kadali…”“Hindi gano’n kadali? Hindi gano'n kadali?! Tangina– p-para mo na ring nasabing gano’n kadali para sa ‘kin!” Ces shouted, his voice cracking with the weight of his emotions. “Hindi rin madali para sa ‘kin, Nata! Hindi madali ang mahalin ka habang iniisip ko kung may nararamdaman ka rin ba para sa akin o wala! Pero ginawa ko pa rin, kasi… k-kasi mahal kita!”The raging fury inside Ces’ chest erupted, swallowing Nata whole as he looked into the younger’s eyes with nothing but love and his silent cries of apologies. Their heavy breathing echoed around the small space, and the engine’s soft buzzes filled both of their ears as they stared at each other with different emotions weighing each of their breaths.“Mahal kita… tangina– mahal na mahal kita,” Ces cried, his voice horsed and his breathing ragged. “I fucking love you, ‘Ta… I… I-I don’t just love fucking you… I love you more than that, I… I love you more than each silent whimper and pillow talk we had…”Clenching his fist, the younger continued. “I love you more than those times where we moaned each other’s names out loud. I love you more than the days where you just call me whenever it is convenient for you… I fucking love you, ‘Ta… I love you more than what a friend is supposed to feel for you.” Nata’s tears fell harder, his body trembling with the weight of his guilt and fear. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Ces. Hindi ko alam… Hindi ko alam kung paano, pero gusto ko. Gusto kong ipaglaban ka, gusto kong ipaglaban tayo…”“Pero natatakot ka pa rin,” Ces replied, his voice softening with the pain that filled his heart. “At habang natatakot ka, hindi mo ako mabibigyan ng pagmamahal na kailangan ko. Hindi mo kayang mahalin ang sarili mo dahil sa putanginang takot mo.” Nata’s heart broke at Ces’ words, the truth of them cutting deeper than any knife. He wanted to reach out, hold Ces, and tell him that he would try and that he would fight, but he knew that it wouldn’t be enough. Not now.
Not until he could conquer his own fears.
Ces’ shoulders slumped, his anger giving way to a deep, aching sadness. “Kung hindi mo kaya, ‘Ta… kung hindi mo kayang ipaglaban, sabihin mo. Sabihin mo nang malinaw, para malaman ko kung saan ako lulugar.”“Ces, I–”“Sabihin mo nang malinaw,” the younger repeated, his voice shaking with the weight of his rage, his unveiled fury. “Kasi ayoko nang umasa sa wala. Ayoko nang umasa sa isang bagay na hindi naman pala magiging totoo.”Tumingin sa madilim na kalangitan sa labas ng kotse ang nakababata, umaasang kahit papaano, ang takot niya sa ulan ang tutulong sa kaniyang kumalma sa sitwasyon nilang sobrang gulo. “Ayokong mahalin mo ako nang nabubuhay ka sa salitang ‘paano’... sa ‘sana’, sa… s-sa ‘tingin mo ba, kaya natin ‘to?’” Nata took a deep breath, his heart breaking as he looked into Ces’ eyes, filled with so much pain and longing. “Mahal kita, Ces. Mahal na mahal kita. Pero kailangan kong ayusin ang sarili ko… Kailangan kong ayusin ang mga takot ko… bago ko kayang ipaglaban tayo–”“Tangina– ‘di ayusin mo,” Ces replied, his voice barely above a whisper, a mix of tiredness and being done with what is happening so evident in his tone. “Pero sana… sana naisip mo bago mo ‘yan sabihin sa ‘kin n-na… na habang ginagawa mo ‘yon, hindi na yata kita kayang hintayin habang kumakapit ako sa patalim,” aniya. “Hindi ko na yata kakayaning maghintay sa taong miski sa sarili… ‘di alam kung ano ba ang tama at mali.”The silence between them grew heavier, the air thick with unspoken words and the resonance of their pain. The rain started falling heavier outside, each drop tapping on the car's roof like a faraway heartbeat.Ces turned away, staring out the window, his reflection a ghost of the love he once knew. “Kung hindi mo kaya ngayon, ‘Ta… wala akong magagawa kundi tanggapin. Pero masakit. Masakit na kahit hindi mo ako diretsohin, alam kong hindi mo kakayanin–”“Frances, please… p-please give me time. Bigyan mo ako ng oras para makabwelo para sa ‘ting dalawa, please… kakayanin ko, s-susubok ako–”“Bakit ngayon lang, ‘Ta?”Nata's shoulders shook with silent sobs, the intensity of his emotions pouring out uncontrollably. “Kasi takot ako, Ces... takot ako na baka masaktan kita... na baka masaktan ako. Pero ngayon, mas natatakot ako na mawala ka nang tuluyan,” pag-amin ng nakatatanda. “Natatakot ako… sobrang natatakot ako sa posibilidad na baka ‘pag gising ko, wala ka na sa buhay ko. Ikaw na lang ang meron ako, Ces… ikaw na lang ang nakakaintindi sa ‘kin–
“Duwag ka na nga, isa ka pang gago, ta’s tingin mo, ‘di ako nauubos gaya ng iniisip mo?”
After Ces spoke, there was silence between the two of them. He redirected his crimson stare to his childhood friend, his anger fueled by the words he heard from the guy he loved—the man he would go to any length for. Ces' rage grew, like a fire slowly devouring his existence, while he attempted to calm himself.Ces felt the heat on his cheeks and the tremble in his palms. He wanted to shout, to express all of his wrath, but the weight of his emotions seemed like chains holding him back. Each beat of his heart hammered like an iron fist in his chest, threatening to burst from the heft of his emotions.Despite Ces' outrage, Nata remained silent, the sadness and shock evident in his eyes. He knew he had hurt Ces and felt the gravity of the words he had uttered. However, he appeared to be at a loss for how to solve everything and soothe the searing rage of the man he loved, still loves. He looked for a ray of hope in Ces' eyes, but all he saw was the ice wall that had grown between them.Chuckling, the younger leaned in. “Takot kang masaktan ako? Takot kang mawala ako sa ‘yo? Bakit, ‘Ta? Hindi pa ba ‘yan ang siste natin?” The cold air from the air conditioner in Nata's car wrapped around them like a shroud, but the chill between their souls was even more biting. The silence was a heavy wave, crashing over their hearts, drowning them in its depths, and squeezing out the last remnants of hope in their souls. Each second stretched into an eternity, every heartbeat a hammer blow, driving deeper into the well of their pain and longing.
Nakakapagod, nakakawala sa wisyo.
“Nagkakasakitan na nga tayo, eh.”
Pero deserve ko namang masaktan, eh. Nararapat lang na pinaramdam mo sa ‘king ginago kita kaya mo ‘yon nagawa. Naiintindihan naman kita, isang halik mo pa lang no’ng gabing ‘yon, alam ko na agad na may balak ka. Isang haplos mo pa lang, alam ko nang naglalaro ka. Tangina… isang yakap mo pa lang, napatawad na kita.
He wants to say something, to counter what Ces just said—trust me, Nata’s itching to open his mouth. But his own emotions betray him, locking his words away.No words escape his lips, only his silent cries echo in the emptiness of his heart. The car feels stifling, the air thick with unspoken pain, and his throat tightens as if an invisible hand is choking him. His head hangs low, and his eyes are fixed on his trembling hands.
I’m sorry.
Ces smiled, he smiled oh-so-sweetly while glancing at Kevin, that it almost felt so dangerous,, who is clearly just as lost and confused as he is. “Nasaktan na kasi ako, nasasaktan pa rin ako, ‘Ta… nasaktan na kita– n-nasasaktan na kita… a-at ‘yon… ‘yon ang pinakaayaw ko sa lahat.”“Funny how, despite everything, it’s you who I’m still thinking about.” The bitterness in Ces’ voice struck a bow in Nata’s chest, adding to the bitter grin he’s showing. “Fucking funny how after everything you’ve done to me… I still choose to try and understand why you did those to the only person you said that ‘understands you’... to the only person you said you had left.”Nata felt the sting of those words, each one a dagger to his already fragile heart. The weight of his past mistakes and their miscommunications pressed down on him, suffocating him with guilt and regret. He wanted to reach out and bridge the chasm that had grown between them, but the fear of further hurting Ces paralyzed him. Instead, he sat there, feeling the tears stream down his face, mingling with the cold sweat that had broken out across his skin. The silence stretched on, heavy and oppressive, as the two of them sat together, yet worlds apart, caught in the tangled web of their hearts.“Hindi ko alam kung na hanggang sa ganitong sitwasyon, madadala mo pa rin ‘yang pagka-joker mo,” His pearly white teeth is on full display as he smiles. “You want me to be with you but can’t do nothing for me to stay? Anong klaseng kagaguhan ‘yon, ‘Ta–”“Susubukan ko, Ces… konting panahon lang–”“–sa konting panahon na hinihingi mo, dahan-dahan na akong nawawala sa ‘yo,” ani Ces. “Sa bawat salitang naririnig ko sa ‘yo ngayon, putangina, ‘yung puso kong pinangako kong sa ‘yo lang, dumadaplis na sa mga kamay mo.”Nata’s vision blurred with tears. “Ces, hinding-hindi ko gustong saktan ka. Ako rin, a-ako rin nalilito sa sarili ko. Akala ko… A-Akala ko tama lahat ng ginagawa ko– lahat ng desisyon ko kasi sinusubukang kong protektahan kung anong meron tayo… protektahan ka sa sakit na pwede kong madulot sa ‘yo–””Ces shook his head, his expression a mix of anger and sorrow. “Protection? Fuck you mean protection, Kevin? Protect me by shutting me out? By leaving me alone? By doing the bare fucking minimum after Isaac knocks some senses in your head? Putangina– that’s not protection, Nata. That’s abandonment… and I don’t know how much more I can take.”The raw pain in Ces’ voice was like a slap to Nata’s face. He reached out, reached out once more, his hand trembling so hard, but stopped just short of touching his beloved. “Please… Ces, bigyan mo pa ako ng isa pang pagkakataon. Nangangako ako, aayusin ko lahat. Huwag mo lang akong sukuan, ‘wag mo lang tayong iwan– ”Ces looked at Nata, the anger in his eyes slowly giving way to a deep, weary sadness. “I’ve given you so many chances, Nata. So… so, many. And each time, every fucking time you’ve found a way to break my heart a little more… I don’t know if I have it in me to trust you again, to… t-to trust your baseless promises again.”“Pasensya na,” he whispered, his voice choked with sobs. “Sobrang… sobrang pasensya na.”And then there’s silence, again, enveloping them both as they sat inside Nata’s white Mustang with the rain pouring nonstop. The relentless downpour hammered against the car roof, an ongoing plea of the storm raging in their hearts.Even Jesus, fucking Jesus, appeared to share Ces' pain and anger, as if the heavens wept for their dismantled ties.The windshield wipers struggled against the heavy rain, trying to clear the view but failing, much like their efforts to see through their tied emotions. The air inside the Mustang was thick with unspoken words and tension, and each drop of rain mirrored the tears they tried their best to be kept hidden. Even the storm was relentless, just like Nata’s love and intent to seek forgiveness.Every sound inside the car—the creak of the seats, the splash of raindrops—sounded louder in the snug stillness. The small space of the Mustang felt both too large and too tight, trapping them with nothing but each other's presence. "Ces," Nata eventually muttered, barely audible through the storm. "Patawarin mo ako… H-Hindi ko sinasadyang saktan ka nang ganito… akala ko tama… a-akala ko mas magiging maayos tayo, akala ko, Ces… Hayaan mo akong itama lahat ng akala kong tama, please… j-just– one more chance…"Ces turned slowly, his eyes filled with pain. The faint flame of optimism in Nata's eyes was nearly doused by Ces' heart storm. But, despite the anguish, the elder’s drive remained unwavering. He reached out, again, his hand quivering as it hovered over Ces', hoping for something to hold and some sort of forgiveness. His heart ached with vulnerability, knowing this was a crucial moment."Hindi kita kayang patawarin ngayon, Nata," Ces said, his voice rough from fervor. "Pero siguro, balang araw, magagawa ko rin. Siguro… S-Siguro sa susunod… sa makalawa, sa isang taon… siguro, ‘Ta… pero hindi ko pa kaya ngayon. Kung patatawarin kita nang gano’n gano’n lang, ano pang silbi nitong pag-iyak nating dalawa? Anong silbi ng pag-uusap nating ‘to kung babalik lang tayo sa dati na parang mga batang walang modo? Maglalaro ulit… maggagaguhan ulit… ano, ‘Ta? Tama pa bang ipilit?"Ces’ words hung in the air, heavy with a finality that Nata wasn’t ready to accept. He watched the younger’s beautiful face, illuminated by the lightning outside, and saw the depth of the pain there. It was the pain Nata knew he had caused, and it cut him deeply. He felt a flood of regret and grief as he realized how much damage he had caused. The memories of their happier times flashed in his mind—moments of laughter, shared dreams, and tender embraces. The nights they spent under the thick blanket, naked, skin-to-skin, feeling each other’s calm breaths. Memories flashed before Nata’s eyes like thunder striking his chest—the way he made Ces laugh, how Ces made his heart flutter—which he chose to keep hidden.
How had things gotten to this?
The rain continued its relentless assault on the car, mirroring the turmoil inside Nata. He felt an overwhelming urge to fix everything, to turn back time, and to undo all the mistakes.He wanted to hold Ces, to assure him that they could work through this, that he would work things out, and that their love was strong enough to weather any storm, but doubt gnawed at him. His inner dilemma won him over once more.
Is it already too late?
Nata's mind raced, trying to find the right words—something that would bridge the widening chasm between them. He knew Ces was slipping away, and God, dear God… the fear of losing Ces forever was unbearable."Ces…" Nata began again, his voice trembling. "Alam kong nasaktan kita… A-Alam kong maraming mali sa nagawa ko– p-pero… Pero mahal na mahal kita. Hindi ko kayang mawala ka… Please, bigyan mo pa sana ako ng pagkakataon."
Nakakapagod na.
The younger closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as if trying to steady himself. When he opened them again, there was a steely resolve that made Nata’s heart sink. "Nata," Ces said softly, his voice filled with a mix of sadness and determination. "Hindi lang naman ‘to tungkol sa mga pagkakamali mo, ‘Ta…. Tungkol din ‘to sa akin, sa mga nararamdaman ko. Tangina, ayoko nang kawawain sarili ko, Kevin. Ayoko nang gaguhin sarili ko… ayoko nang kuwestyonin lahat ng ginawa ko– l-lahat ng mga naging desisyon ko para sa ‘kin… para sa ‘tin… Hindi ko na alam, ‘Ta… H-Hindi ko alam kung… k-kung kaya ko pa..."Nata felt a crushing weight in his chest as the reality of Ces' words struck him like a tidal wave.He wanted to argue, to plead, to do anything to keep Ces from leaving, but he also knew that forcing him to stay wouldn’t mend the broken pieces of their relationship… their friendship. Ces, the ever-so-forgiving-and-loving Ces, glanced at Nata, whose eyes were filled with a mixture of remorse and longing, and Ces felt a pang of sadness deep in his chest.
What happened to us?
He knew he couldn't stay in this emotional limbo forever. The weight of Nata's mistakes and his own pain bore down on him, making it hard to breathe. Frances closed his eyes tight, inhaling a big breath, trying to find some semblance of clarity amidst the chaos of his emotions.He, too, thought about their past, the moments of joy and laughter they had shared, and the hopes that they had built upon one another. But alongside those memories were the cracks—the moments of hurt and betrayal that had slowly eroded their relationship. Ces recognized how they had been frail for a long time, bound together by strings that were now crumbling in the storm. We were happy. We were. Nata's plea for forgiveness echoed in his mind, and Ces couldn't deny the love he still felt, despite everything. But love was not enough to mend what had been broken—not when trust had been shattered and wounds had been left unattended.Attempting to leave, the faint click of the car door caught Nata’s attention. He looked at where Ces' hand was, only to find it itching to go out. “Ces–”“I can’t do this anymore, ‘Ta,” whispering, Ces’ heart pounded so hard inside his chest that it got him swallowing a big lump in his throat. “I… I-I– we… we can’t go on like this… not when you’re too caught up with yourself… not when I’m too tired to even think of forgiving you.” Para silang nasa pelikula kung sa’n bumagal ang bawat malakas na pag-ihip ng hangin nang buksan ni Ces ang pinto ng passenger’s seat. Kasama na rin ang mas lalong pabilis ng kabig ng dibdib ni Nata nang makita niya ang malakas na ulan sa labas, at ang paglabas ni Ces sa sasakyan. "Ces– ‘wag…" Nata pleaded, his voice breaking. "Pakiusap, bigyan mo pa ako ng isa pang pagkakataon. Mahal kita, sobra– Ces p-please…"Ces halted with his back to Nata. The air surrounding them was filled with their cries, the weight of their feelings. Raindrops fell with purpose, each one a tiny carrier of the storm brewing within. His clinched fists reflected the conflict in his emotions, fingers shaking with the want to reach out yet kept back by the dread of apathy.For a fleeting moment, it seemed as if Ces might change his mind. The indecision hung in the air like a delicate thread, fragile yet holding the potential of altering everything about them. His breath seized in his throat, and a whispered cry reverberated across the void between them.
Fuck love, and fuck loving you still despite everything.
“Frances… P-Please…”
Takot din ako, ‘Ta.
But then, with a resigned breath that mingled with the steady drip of the rain, Ces stepped out into the gale. Anguish greeted him, a never-ending rush of water that conveyed the furious sentiments churning inside. Each drop hitting his skin felt like an unforgiving sign of his inner struggle, soaking him to the bone but failing to ease the pain in his heart.He didn’t look back, and couldn't bring himself to meet Nata's gaze one last time. The weight of unstated phrases and left unfinished exchanges hung heavily on his shoulders as he walked away.
Takot din ako, natatakot din ako, pero hinding hindi ako nag-aalinlangan na sumugal at humarap katulad mo.
The distance between them widened with each step, his figure quickly becoming a blur in the relentless rain, a short-lived silhouette swallowed by it all."Ces! ‘Wag! Ces– please!" Nata shouted, scrambling out of the car to follow him. The rain was cold and heavy, blinding him as he chased after Ces. The waterlogged ground made every step difficult, but the elder pushed on, desperation driving him to the very last bit. “Frances! Please!”Nata's heart raced with dread and remorse. He reached out, as if he were able to fill the void between them through pristine determination. But no matter how quickly he ran, Ces was always just out his reach. The rain distorted his eyesight, mixing with the tears that streamed down his cheeks."Ces!" Nata's voice cracked, the raw plea echoing in the heavy rain. "Please… please… p-please, don't leave me like this…"
'Don't leave me like this', huh. You're such a clown.
Ces shook his head, not minding the distance and the fact that the elder might not even see or hear, his face a blur through the sheets of rain. "You can't fix everything, Nata… Hindi rin tayo maaayos kung mananatili lang ako sa ‘yo na parang walang ganitong nangyari sa ‘ting dalawa.”Malawak ang Neopolitan, jogging field sa likod ng SM Fairview kung sa’n maraming pasikot sikot. Tipong konting linga lang, hindi mo na agad malalaman kung saan na nagawi ang kasama mo. Gano’n ang siste ni Nata, ultimo isang kurap lang ang kaniyang ginawa para lang mas makita niya nang maayos ang daan, ngunit sa kaniyang marahang pagdilat, wala na ang kaniyang kababata. Nata watched the rain pour down heavily as he squinted his eyes in an attempt to look out for Ces. He stood there, the cold water pooling around him, feeling the weight of his failure press down on him. The storm raged on, indifferent to his pain, washing away the last traces of the younger.As Nata dropped down to his knees, the rain poured heavily around him, like a thousand tiny waterfalls cascading from the sky. He didn't bother seeking shelter, letting the cool droplets mix freely with the tears streaming down his face. The chill in the air seeped through his clothes, making him shiver and causing a numbness to spread slowly from his fingertips to his toes. It was as if the cold was trying to freeze the pain inside him, to make it easier to bear, but no amount of rain or cold could wash away the storm of emotions raging within him.With each sob, Nata felt a weight lift from his chest, only to be replaced by an emptiness that seemed bottomless. He held himself hard, wanting to grasp a real thing within the chaos of his thoughts and feelings.
“Ces– I’m…”
Time lost its meaning as he kneeled there, lost in his thoughts and the sound of raindrops hitting the ground. It was a moment of raw emotion, a silent conversation between Nata and the storm, where words were unnecessary, and feelings spoke louder than any spoken language could convey.
“I’m… I-I’m so sorry…”
In the end, he was alone; the relentless rain was the only witness to his misery.And it remained that way. The imaginary white box he's in is spacious, with four sides so wide yet close enough to make him feel wary even of his own existence. The walls are barren, with no inscriptions or characteristics, accentuating the nothingness that reflects his inner state. It's a sterile void, a place where resonances of his thoughts bounce back at him, elevating his space.
In the end, he was alone.
Even with a lot of people surrounding him and their laughter reverberating in his ears, he feels stuck. The sound of glasses click-clacking, the rhythmic pouring of liquor, the scraping of lighters being brought to life, the soft sizzle of a cigarette being puffed—all these sounds are loud and clear, piercing through the ambient noise like sharp needles. But Kevin, dear Kevin, feels alone. Faces blur into one another, and voices meld into an indistinct hum. The warmth of the room and the friendship of those around him fail to penetrate the cold barrier he's erected around his heart. It's as if he's watching a very good, and beautiful film, with the scenes playing out before him while he remains untouched, a mere spectator in his own life.
In the end, until now, he has been alone.
“‘Ta, ayos ka lang?” Tanong sa kaniya ni Kiko nang mapansin ng binata ang kaniyang pananahimik. “Yosi? Meron pa namang pula d’yan.”Nata nodded with a smile, leaning back on his seat as he roamed his eyes around the expanse of where they were. The big white couch they lounged on was plush and inviting, its fabric cool against his skin. In front of them, a large flat-screen television was set on the wall, giving a soothing glow in the dimly lit room. The TV displayed the lyrics of the videoke, where their friends were singing their hearts out, their voices filling the space with laughter and melody.The soft lighting provided an ambiance of warmth, throwing beautiful shadows that danced over the space. A small table at the center held an array of different kinds of bottles—beer, soda, and a few colorful cocktails—each ensuring a different kind of buzz. Empty glasses and half-eaten snacks were scattered around, evidence of the night’s events.Isaac’s on his left side, laughing with carefree abandon that lights up his face, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he nudges his elbow into Nata's ribs. While Kiko’s on his right, quietly absorbing the scene, a soft smile plays on his lips as his eyes dart around the room, taking in every detail. Max, Zayne, and Rian are scattered on the floor in front of them, sprawled out in various relaxed positions. The three of them are belting out ‘Banyo Queen’ by Andrew E, their voices blending in chaotic harmony, taking turns on each line. They laugh at every silly word they utter, their joyous noise filling the room.Kiko smirked, nudging the elder as he saw Nata’s wandering gaze. “Miss mo na ‘no–”“Asa’n na si Kuya Ces?!” It’s clear that Max is tipsy, considering how his questions turned out like a whimper and his cheeks a deep hue of red. “S-Sabi niya– hick! Sabi… S-Sabi niya sa ‘kin susunod siya! Asa’n Kuya Tutoy?!” Parang silang tatlo lang na nasa sofa ang nakarinig sa ungot ng bunso nilang kaibigan, ang dalawa’y patuloy pa rin sa pagkanta at pagpili ng kanilang susunod pang kakantahin. Isang ngiti ang ginawad ni Nata kay Max. “Baka papunta na rin ‘yon, Max. Baka… B-Baka may ginawa lang kaya late.”Ultimo may magic ang sinabi ni Nata at bumalik na si Max sa pagkanta kasama si Rian at Zayne. Para siyang nabunutan nang tinik, ang kaniyang malalim na buntong hininga’y hindi nakawala sa pansin ng dalawa niyang kaibigang nakaupo sa kaniyang tabi. Kiko and Isaac shared knowing glances, with Isaac shaking his head not long after. “Birthday ni Zayne ta’s ‘di tayo kumpleto–”
“‘Di ‘na naman’ kumpleto, kamo.”Nata can’t help but feel bad after hearing what his friends just said. Pati no’ng birthday ni Isaac, kahit na late ang celebration, hindi rin sila kumpleto. Laging may kulang na isa, hindi susobra, hindi na nag bago. It was as if they were taking turns: kung pupunta man ang isa, biglang sisibat ang isa. Kahit na sponty inuman lang, hindi na sila mabuong pito. Ultimo Movie Marathon na madalas nilang ginawa, hindi na rin nila nagagawa nang magkakasama dahil sa siste nilang dalawa hanggang ngayon. “‘Di raw ba talaga siya pupunta?” tanong ni Nata. “‘Kala ko susunod siya… sabi niya may gagawin lang daw siya, ‘di ba?”Agad na pinakita ni Kiko ang panibagong mensahe ni Ces sa kanilang group chat. Para siyang sinikmurahan nang mabasa niya ang sinabi ng kaibigan, ang paghingi ng tawad sa ginawa niyang pagsisinungaling kay Max ay kumakatok sa kaniyang kaibuturan. frances: sorry guys smthng came up! di na ako makakasunod HUHUHU may pupuntahan kami nila mama eh. kiks, pasabi na lang kay zayne happy birthday! and sorry kay max kasi nagpromise ako sakanya na pupunta ako. enjoy kayoooo 💗 Gusto niyang matawa dahil alam niya naman kung ano ang rason sa biglaan nitong hindi pagpunta. Gustong umismid ni Nata nang mabasa niya ang salitang ‘Mama’ sa mensahe ng kababata.
Kailan ka pa sumama sa lakad nila Tita, Ces? At paano ka sasama kung hindi ka naman nila kailanman inaya?
‘Yan agad ang una niyang naisip, ngunit sa likod ng kaniyang utak, alam niyang may posibilidad na nagkaayos na ang mag-ina at umayos na rin ang takbo ng kanilang pamilya. Palibhasa, ilang buwan na rin. Imposibleng walang nagbago, imposibleng hindi siya nagbago. Pebrero hanggang ngayong Hunyo, apat na buwan, posibleng lahat nga ay nagbago na. Sa bawat araw na lumilipas, nararamdaman niyang may pira-pirasong nawawala sa kanya, mga bahagi ng sarili niyang kinuha ng panahon.“Sorry,” bakas ang pagsisisi sa boses ni Nata nang halos ibulong niya na lang ang iisang salitang no’ng una’y hirap na hirap siyang bigkasin. “Sobrang sorry, pre. Sinubukan ko naman–”Isaac shushed him. “And that’s very brave of you to do so, ‘Ta.”“Oo nga, ‘wag mo na sisihin sarili mo kasi at least… hanggang sa huli, sumubok ka,” ani Kiko bago kunin ang shotglass at lagyan ng Alfonso. Inabot niya kay Nata ang mumunting baso, hindi na nag-abalang kumuha ng chaser dahil kabisado na niya ang hilig nito. “Magiging maayos din lahat, gago. ‘Wag ka nang ano d’yan, magiging maayos rin kayo.” But Nata knew it wasn’t that simple. The cracks that had formed between him and Ces were too deep to be filled with a mere apology. He thought about all the nights he spent wondering what went wrong, what he failed to do, and how he wished he could go back to the times when laughter and conversations were enough to make them happy.He thought about all the nights he spent wondering what went wrong, replaying every conversation and every argument in his mind. He’d lie awake, staring at the ceiling, the silence of his room echoing his own regrets. What had he said? What had he failed to say? Each night was a cycle of self-recrimination, and of dissecting his own shortcomings. Fucking hell. Nata remembered the moments when he chose to stay silent, too afraid to voice his feelings. He recalled the times he walked away instead of fighting for what they had, letting pride and fear dictate his actions. Every missed call and every ignored message seemed now like small betrayals that accumulated over time, growing into an insurmountable wall between them.He could still hear his laughter echoing in his mind, see his smile, and feel the warmth of their closeness. Those were the days when their friendship felt unbreakable, when their friendship felt like they were more than what they're supposed to be.“Magiging okay…” his voice came out like a slur as he slowly brought the glass near his lips, smiling as the strong smell of the alcohol penatrated his nostrils. “Magiging okay pa nga ba?”
May pag-asa pa ba?
Kiko nudged him. “Oo naman, tanga. Dikit kayo no’n like this,” aniy at pinapakita pa kung paano niya ipag-cross ang kaniyang hintuturo at gintang mga daliri. “Imposibleng hindi, gago. Kayo pa ba? Mas matibay pa nga kayo sa punong Narra.”How he wished he could go back to the times when laughter and conversations were enough to make them happy. Back to when their biggest problems were which movie to watch or whose turn it was to buy drinks.The simplicity of those moments seemed almost surreal now, like a dream he couldn’t quite grasp, and God did it hunt him every night. Hunt him like he’s meant to be hunt down like a prey, hunt him like it’s meant to happen, like it is bound to be like this.
Sumuko ka na ba?
Mabilis na paglagok ang kaniyang ginawa, walang ekspresyon sa kaniyang mukha, ni-walang bahid ng pait mula sa alak ang kita. Saglit siyang natulala, inaalala ang mga bagay na kailanma’y hindi niya sinubukang ibaon sa limot. Ang hapon na akala niya’y magkakaayos sila, ang malakas na ulan, ang malakas niyang pag-iyak, at ang pahina nang pahinang tunog ng bawat yapak ni Ces papalayo sa kaniya. Papalayo sa dati nilang kinagawian, papalayo sa lugar kung saan ang saya’y kanilang natagpuan.Lumalalim na ang gabi, patapos na naman ang araw, at may tumanda na naman sa kanila ng isang taon. Ramdam niya ang pagkahilo nang sindihan niya ang nag-iisang stick na naka-angkla sa kaniyang tenga na parang lapis, ang tapang ng Marlboro Red na mabilis kung sumakop sa kaniyang paghinga, pati na rin ang ingay sa paligid na nagmimistulang tubig na lumulunod sa kaniya.“‘Wag ka nang ano d’yan, tara na iinom pa tayo,” sabat ni Isaac. “Miss ka na rin no’n tanga, donchuwori my badi.”
Miss na miss na kita, Frances.
He missed the inside jokes that only they understood, the spontaneous adventures, and the comfort of knowing that no matter what, they had each other’s backs. But now, those memories are tainted by the present reality. The laughter had turned into strained silences, the conversations into stilted exchanges filled with unresolved resentment.Nata felt the weight of his mistakes bearing down on him, a heavy cloak of guilt and sorrow. He knew he had let Ces down—not just once, but repeatedly. And each failure, each moment of weakness, chipped away at what they once had together. The realization was a constant ache, an echo of what he had lost and what he might never regain. Muli siyang inabutan ng isa pang shot ni Kiko, ang kinaibahan lang sa kanina, malaki na ang baso at puno. Walang chaser, ni-walang yelo, ngunit tinanggap niya ang alok nang walang reklamo. Nakita niyang nakatayo na sa kaniyang harapan ang iba pa nilang mga kaibigan, nag-aabang ng pang malakasang ‘cheers!’ at nakaangat ang kani-kanilang mga alak. He puffed another drag from his cigarette, inhaling deep and swallowing the thick smoke afterwards, letting it swim inside his lungs and infiltrate his system. “Cheers!”
“Happy Birthday, Harvey!”
“Tangina niyo!” They’re having fun, but his mind is drifting away, far from the reality. I miss you, I miss us, I miss you, he thought. Mas masaya siguro kung nandito ka, kasama namin, katabi ko. Sa dinami-rami ng pumapalibot sa kaniyang sistema, hindi na niya napigilan ang humipak muli sa kaniyang yosi. HIndi na alintana ang hagod at diretso na rin ininom ang alak sa kaniyang baso.
‘Magiging maayos’, Ces, magiging maayos pa ba? Gusto kong ayusin, kaso hahayaan mo ba akong makapasok muli sa buhay mong alam kong ako rin ang sumira?
He longed for a chance to make things right, to heal the rift that had grown between them. But deep down, he feared that too much time had passed, that too many words had been left unspoken. The road to redemption seemed long and uncertain, and Nata wasn’t sure if he had the strength to walk it alone.Nata smiled bitterly at the thought, the corners of his mouth lifting with a hint of irony. Looking at the empty glass, the image of a smiling Ces replayed in his mind. The faint smell of his cigarette dying down flashed an image of Ces hugging him from behind.But his reality’s far from what he’s thinking, and man, in the end, he’s still alone. 🚬 Isang lagok, isang hipak, isang buga, isang ngiti.
Sa apat na ‘yan, iisa lang naman ang hangad,
At ‘yon ay ang makapiling kang muli.
— nunoy.