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“I would ask what’s up with you but, I guess I got my answer for that, huh?” Carmy’s in front of her, staring baselessly into the city lights and sighs. Fuck, this is making Sydney’s stomach turn. She’s not even sure why she accepted his invite either. It was only a yes to walking into a fucking death trap, caught between a want and. Carmy’s not a need. Is he? Sydney shakes her head to clear the thought, focuses back in as Carmy opens his mouth. “That asshole ruined me. I was there. Plating some fuckin’… I don’t even remember what dish. And then Natalie called me. Told me he was gone.” “Sounds like a nightmare,” Syd shifts her heels onto the concrete, not sure of what else to say right now. “I didn’t invite you here for this, Syd. I’m sorry it’s. He just threw me off.” She shrugs. “I wouldn’t be out here if I cared about that. It’s cool, Carm. At least I get to talk to all of these chefs right? Living the dream, woo,” she raises a hand sarcastically and it makes Carmy chuckle, eases her nerves a bit before she remembers the other reason she came out here. “Carmen, I have to talk to you about something.”He looks up at her with his blue eyes and the gold of his chain catches on them for a moment, making Sydney’s heart skip. Fucking focus. “If I told you I was happy, would you believe me?” Syd’s not sure that’s how she meant to start this out but it gets his attention nonetheless. Carmy scrunches his eyebrows together. “I don’t understand.” “If I said I’m happy. That I’m cool with the menu changes and-and the chaos and not even getting mentioned in one of those fucking articles about the place, would you believe me?” “Sydney—" “Because I wouldn’t. I’m not I’m—" Sydney tucks her braids behind her ears, looks up to the moon and back down at him. “You won’t talk to me. You won’t let me in. You brush off everything I say, every fucking idea I have. It’s like I don’t exist.” Carmy sighs. “I’m doing this so we can get where we need to be. I told you that you had to care about everything. This shit isn’t easy but it’s gonna get us there.” That earns him a scoff. If he and Richie aren’t melting her brain with their screaming Carmen’s looking at her like he can see right through her. She hasn’t even opened the partnership agreement yet, not wanting to read about the leash around her neck as it gets tighter and tighter. “You’re spending all of our money. We haven’t been making that shit back. The review—" “The review is gonna be good. Don’t worry about that.” “Don’t tell me not to fucking worry.” Carmy bristles, steps back a bit. “I’m doing this shit for yo- for-for all of us. I told you this was how it’s done, you said you wanted to do this with me—" “That’s when I thought you actually saw me, Carmen. When-when you listened to my ideas and took my opinions into consideration. I’m not your babysitter and I’m not your fucking yes man. You don’t have any fucking idea what it’s like to be me in this industry for even a day. This is it. This is all I have and you’re ruining it.” “Why are you telling me this, what do you want me to do Syd—" “I’m leaving.” The air goes completely silent, Sydney’s heart doesn’t beat faster, actually kind of stops. “What?” “I got an offer—" “What the fuck are you talking about? An offer—?" “—With-with Shapiro he said he’s starting a new place and wants me to be CDC—" “Shapiro? That guy’s an asshole—" “—He said I could run it the way I wanted—" “—That’s stupid, Sydney.” “It’s better than fucking being with you.” The air is silenced again amid the quiet chatter of residual dinner guests. Sydney looks around anywhere but his face, not wanting to find out if her heart would dare take it back looking at him. Carmy speaks. “This isn’t easy for me.” She scoffs. “And you think this is for me? I hate to break it to you but you’ve been acting like an egomaniacal prick. You-you keep on making promises you can’t keep and I can’t keep waiting around for you to get it together.” “I said I wouldn’t let you fail. I said that-that you had me—" “And I don’t,” She starts to tear up, moisture muddling up her voice. “I don’t, Carmy. Maybe I did, before. For five minutes under that table. But not now. I’m out.”Carmy turns away from her. “Fine. Then fuckin’ go.” “You’re not even gonna fight me on this?” Fight for me? “Why the fuck should I? You needed me, you used me, it’s done.” Sydney’s head shoots back. “Excuse me?” “Just go. Work for another asshole who’s just gonna run you into the ground. Fucking go, be-because we both know you’d be nothing if it weren’t for me—" He’s silenced with her hand across his face, hard. The sound echoes loudly and bounces off of the street. Sydney’s chest heaves, tears spilling out freely now. “Go fuck yourself, Carmen.” “Sydney, wait. I-I didn’t. I don’t know why I—" She’s already turned around, walking down the street so fast she’s surprised she doesn’t break one of her heels clean off. When she gets home her tears spill hot in the steam of the shower, swelling her eyes and aching her heart. There are six missed calls on her phone from Carmy, no texts. She cries some more into her pillow, not ready to have this fucking conversation two more times. There’s another dish in her arms as the Uber rolls across the highway. More lasagna with the crispy edges, Parmesan crust to soften the blow. She called Pete to let him know she was coming over, not wanting to wake up Nat from much needed sleep. This was going to be quite the fucking wake up call. “Syd City!” Sydney chuckles. “‘Syd City’?” Pete beams, still whisper yelling. “Yeah! Like Sin City? Am I getting better at these?” He steps aside as she steps in, hands him the lasagna. “Not even a little. But I appreciate the effort,” Pete chuckles. “I’ll take it. Nat just woke up if you wanna go see her.”Sydney nods, toes off her shoes and slips through the hallway to their bedroom. And. Well okay it’s not like she was expecting it to be an easy conversation, but fuck is it so much harder than she’s prepared for. Natalie’s sat up in bed, gripping at her hair and shaking her head. “No, no no no no no, oh my god, no. Please tell me this is some kind of postpartum nightmare or-or I’m still in labor or something,” Sydney sighs sadly, awkwardly shuffles her feet on the carpet. “Natalie, please—" “If-if the agreement is too much we can scale back, yeah? Give you some more time? It’s the fucking three month stall for health benefits right because I fucking told Computer that was unreasonable but he said it was—" “Nat. No. Well that’s part of it but—" “God it’s us right? Like all of us? Fucking Unc is gonna have a fit with this shit on top of the numbers Computer just ran—" “Nat! Stop!” Thankfully the baby is taking a nap in the living room beside Pete, but Sydney still lowers her voice. “This isn’t about you, okay? Not-not not really so stop doing that.” Natalie gives her sad eyes, sighs and looks down at her lap. “I’m so sorry, sweetie, I didn't mean. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. But can you talk to me? Please?” She pats a spot next to her on the bed and probes Syd to take a seat. The second she does, the dam cracks. Her throat burns as she tries to keep it in, and one sniffle undoes all of her hard work. Suddenly Syd’s leaned over onto Natalie’s shoulder sobbing her eyes out and probably getting snot all over her shirt. “I’m s-sorry. I don’t. I d-don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Natalie chuckles softly, cups her face in her hands. “You think this is the worst thing I’ve had on my shirt today? Think again, my love.” That shocks a laugh out of Sydney, shuffling slightly out of Nat’s hold with a breathless gross! Nat’s laughing too. “Not this shirt. You’re good.”Syd sobers up, looks down at her hands to find her words. “I’m not doing this to hurt you or whatever, or-or out of spite. It’s a lot of things.” “Please tell me if it’s something we can fix, Sydney. You don’t owe me shit, you really don’t, but if you’re suffering, I don’t want that to be for nothing. What is it?”
It’s Carmy. It’s Carmy. It’s been Carmy for way too long.
Sydney shrugs. “I just think I was moving too fast. I um. I need a clean break. Somewhere new.” Natalie’s eyes prick with tears. “This is really what you want?”
No.
“Yeah.” It’s a standard two week notice, but because she felt so bad for upsetting Natalie she asked Adam if he could give her another week. He sighs over the phone when she asks, says it’s fine if it means she’s really on board. Syd ends that conversation with the same pit in her stomach that’s been there since that night. After they’ve all finished cleaning for the night she’s grabbing her jacket from her locker. When she shuts it, Carmy’s behind it, making her jump. “Christ! What are you a phantom?” Carmy looks like he wants to smile but knows better. “No. N-no I um. I just wanted to talk to you Syd. I didn’t mean what I said that night—" “But you still said it.” “It’s not—” he grunts. “That's not how I feel, okay? At all it’s just my-my-my shitty EC got into my head before we talked and—" Syd slams her fist against her locker. “You know you blame that guy for everything. Is he why you keep slamming down my ideas? Keep shutting me out? Being so condescending? Is he why you couldn’t give me five seconds that weren’t insane Robot Carmy because you were debating calling another— a-a girl for fucking months?” Fuck. She was on such a roll too. “Sydney, please. I can explain.” Sydney waves him away. “I have three more weeks here. Unless you can fucking reverse all of this in that amount of time, I’m gone, and in the mean time—" She slumps her bag over her shoulder. “Stay the fuck away from me.” In a twisted way, it feels fucking amazing, getting to tell Carmen off, see the look on his face, focus a little bit on the way his pupils dilate and and the way his tongue runs over his bottom lip— Anyways. Incredible. Like flipping off the whole world. She’s expecting the same shit the next day, a totally new totally ridiculous menu based on what Tina could salvage from the Farmer’s Market. So to say Sydney’s surprised would be a pretty big understatement. “Okay, Chefs listen up. We’re gonna go back to organized menus alright? No more wasting time and funds on new shit no one’s gonna remember.” Gary pipes up. “Is this ‘cuz of the review? I don’t think it was that bad.” Carmy sighs. “It was bad, Chef. Not bad enough for Jimmy to cut us off but we need to do better and-and that’s on me. Richard,” Carmy turns his attention to Richie. “The Swiss chard and grout from last week, you said that was a hit. Think it’d hit again?” Richie stammers, obviously not expecting this either. “It was pretty fuckin’ solid, Chef. Sure you had nothing to do with it.”“And you’d be right. It was all Sydney.” All eyes are on her and it makes her squirm, always hating that shit. She only has one thing to say. “So because the review dinged your little ego, that’s why you wanna go back to organized menus?” There’s a soft ooo shit that could have come from either Marcus or Ebra, but Carmy’s eyes don’t leave hers. “No. No, Chef. I realized I made a mistake. I was wasting my time and all of your time trying to make you memorize a new menu every night.” He continues. “We start with weekly, make our way back to seasonal. Sound good, Chefs?” There’s a resounding chef! in the air as everyone agrees. Sydney hasn’t made an announcement of any kind that she’s leaving, but she thinks it might be going around. Marcus waves her over to his station right before Family. “Syd. The fuck?” Sydney sighs. “Marcus don’t. I didn’t want this to be like… y’know a thing.” “So you thought you were just gonna fuckin’ leave and we weren’t gonna notice?” “I still have three weeks!” “You know that’s not what I mean. Why? Is it us?” Why the fuck does everyone keep asking that? Syd just plops her face into her hands. “It’s many things. None of which got to do with you. Alright?” Thankfully she’s able to pull a smile out of him, even if it’s a little sad. “I’m gonna hug you on your last day. It’s gonna be all weird and sad. Get ready.” “Well fuck I am terrified.” She smiles back and heads out the door, not knowing whether she’s thankful or not that Carmy isn’t there. Again. It’s better. Not by much but, better. It’s a little calmer, more organized and she can see the tremble in Tina’s hands has gotten a little more steady. Okay.
Gary (The Bear Fam):
Syd. You gotta check this out. (chicago.suntimes.com)
When Sydney clicks on the link it’s a small article by a local critic highlighting her Swiss chard dish, calling it a “revelation of flavor” and “well worth a trip to Chicago, let alone The Bear.” It feels like a miracle, like the sun shooting through her ass until she reads the line second from the last.
We thank Executive Chef Carmen Berzatto for recommending this dish when asked, swearing up and down by it. He knows his staff very well, and it is apparent in the love of the restaurant and the love of the food.
Sydney’s fuming when she reaches Carmy’s door, slamming her fist on it like there’s no tomorrow, like it isn’t 7:05 am on their day off. When he opens it his eyes are all droopy and dopey. Hair a mess and clothes all wrinkly. She tries not to let it throw her off when his not at all sexy ass morning voice says her name. “Syd—" “What the fuck is this?” Syd barks and holds her phone up to his face, lets him register what she’s talking about. “You saw the article,”“‘Saw the article’,” she scoffs mockingly. “Yup. I saw it and read it so I once again ask. What. The fuck. Is this.” “I-I didn’t. I went out to front of house last Thursday and I recognized them. They asked what the best thing on the menu was and-and I said the Swiss chard. And I um. I also answered their email when they asked for details. And asked how it was coming along. Just-just a couple of emails though.” Sydney sighs. God this is stupid. Suddenly she’s a little girl again, can’t do anything without someone pushing her to do it. Without someone there to guide her. She can’t do anything on her own, not even get credit. “You think this is what I want? A fucking article?” “You deserve recognition, Sydney.”“I didn’t ask you to get it for me!” She turns to leave and Carmy grasps her wrist, gentle. “I’m trying. I really— I’m trying. I egged it on sure but. They said all that shit about your dish because it’s true. It’s incredible Sydney. You’re—" He stops himself and lets go, and though Sydney wants to turn again and leave, she can’t. “I told you. You have no fucking idea what it’s like to be me. Especially me who is next to you. How do you think this feels? Needing you to get approval and praise that I’ve been waiting my whole fucking life for? I have been at the bottom rung for so long being berated and disrespected by guys just like you. ECs and CDCs who talk over me, and-and overlook my ideas and don’t care—" she starts to sniffle. Shit. “Don’t care about anyone but themselves. Especially not me. But why care, right? The one Black girl in the kitchen can figure it out right? And even if she can't, who gives a shit? I just thought. I thought you cared about me, Carmen. Even just a fucking little.” “I care about you, Sydney. I care so much about you. I didn’t. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never meant that.” “And why should I believe that?” Suddenly everything is quiet again, and it’s because Carmy’s taken Sydney’s face in his hands and presses his lips against hers. Their lips disconnect with a quiet sound, Sydney pulling away first out of pure shock. She looks into his eyes and, well the next moment just draws itself out. She grabs Carmen by the back of his neck, replacing their first chaste kiss with impatient sloppy ones, feeling him tilt her head with his hands to deepen the kiss, making Syd moan softly into his mouth. She grabs his chain, fists his shirt, tries to map out his upper body with as much of her hands as she can. His lips are so soft, his tongue dancing against hers as he responds in kind with a groan of his own, warm palms caressing the small of her back and up the ripple of her rib cage. The world comes back into focus as Sydney uses two hands to push him away. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that was—" She trips over her words, trying not to make her panting too obvious. “No. No, that was me I’m really. I don’t know um—" “I’m gonna. I should go. I’m gonna go.”“Sydney wait please—" She pathetically shakes her head no, rushes down the hallway and makes it down a flight before she hears it. Distant, pained.
“Fuck!!”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Carmy started smoking again right after Sydney left that night. The burn down his throat feels good. Deserved. He probably deserves fucking worse. The lingering sting on his left cheek will have to do for now. He opens his phone to see the page still lingering on Claire’s contact and swipes it away. Opens it right back up to Sydney’s contact and hits dial. It rings once before going straight to voicemail. Does that again and again the next five times he tries. What the shit is wrong with him? Telling her that she used him? That she wouldn’t be anything without—? “Oh my fucking god,” he mutters under his breath. Right as Carmy’s about to leave he spots him. David fucking Fields. His heart drops and starts to thump, in his ears, in his throat. Carmy’s legs are moving before he realizes, his voice loud. “Hey!” When Fields turns around Carmy’s fist is cocked back, landing a shot right to his face. David stumbles back, grabs his lip that’s now coated in blood, chuckles and spits. “That feel good? Get what you wanted?” “Fuck you,” Carmy huffs. “Fucking fuck you. She. She-she left. She left. You pushed her away you. You did this.” “Who the fuck are you talking to? I didn’t do shit.” “Fuck you,” Carmy repeats, losing his breath. “The things I said to her. I-I-I told her she was using me. I said that she needed me, I said she was nothing without me. You put that shit in my fucking head!!” David scoffs, steps forward. “You’re lucky I’m not having you arrested for assault. If I could even call it that you punch like a fucking toddler,” He walks away with a “Good luck Bergazzo,” and leaves Carmy to sit his ass flat on the concrete, thumping his head over and over until the pain is numbing. That night he tries to think about Claire, tries to put himself back in the past. In the comfort of knowing he can’t hurt her more than he already has. She’s peace. He can’t hurt her anymore. She’s peace. He can never make her angry. She’s peace. He doesn’t have to feel anything with her. She’s peace. He’s never the bad guy. It doesn’t work. Her voice muddles in his head as he remembers something else. Talking to Marcus, watching Sydney’s figure come into view, delicately placing items into her locker. She was wearing a bow in her hair, the braids he always thought were so pretty framing her face. “You look nice,” he’d said like a fucking moron. “Thanks,” she responded and for some dumb reason he wanted to believe she was shy. That she was flattered. That he was making her as nervous as she always makes him. And at Ever, god she looked so fucking beautiful.
I should have told her.
But he didn’t. He stopped telling her things a while ago. She shouldn’t have to hear any of it. In weeks time she’ll be gone, and there’s no way to take any of it back. Until he approaches her at her locker. She hasn’t looked him in the eye since that night, hasn’t even used his name, only sticking with Chef if she really needs to talk to him. Carmy misses her sweet voice, the sternness when she’s telling him to get it together, the softness when she’s admitting she widened the margins so he could write a little more comfortably. Even though she’s angry, hatred in her eyes, she says something that makes his heart light on fire. “Unless you can fucking reverse all of this in that amount of time, I’m gone.” Reverse. She wants him to clean up his fucking mess. So he will. The menu changes were simple enough, shifting to weekly and eventually seasonal made more sense. Natalie sighed in relief when he’d told her over the phone. “I’m really glad you’re changing that, Bear. It was killing us.” “You should have talked to me, Sug.” Natalie scoffs. “And what the fuck was I supposed to say? Carmen I—" she sighs. “You are… y’know how you are and I love you but you can be a little fucking brat. I don’t wanna deal with your tantrums all the time.” “I just want this place to work, Nat. I didn’t mean to piss everyone off.” “Well you did. Look I’m glad you’re doing this alright? And I want you to come over to meet Samantha. Like actually hold her.”The disdain in her voice isn’t a surprise. Carmy had been over with the Faks to visit, but saw the child and faked an emergency to leave, barely giving his sister a goodbye. “Yeah. Yeah I will, promise.”It’s not enough. Sydney’s still leaving, so Carmy thinks and thinks, time definitely not on his side. He asks questions. “You good with the salmon dish this week? Any additions?” She answers numbly, eyes down at her notebook across the island. “Yeah, s’fine.” He asks more. “You need a ride home?” Still, nothing. “Nope.” Carmy just goes home and paces. He has 16 more days with her. “Shit,” he mutters, burning a hole into the hardwood. The fact that Gary spots the columnist feels like a fucking miracle, whispering the alert to Carmy before it can get to anyone else. “I got it,” He says, and slips out the door avoiding Sydney’s confused glare. And it’s an innocent conversation. All that they ask is what the best dish on the menu this week is, a laugh coloring their voice. Carmy’s answer is serious. “The Swiss chard and grout. Our CDC Sydney Adamu she um. She’s responsible for it. Some of her best work and that’s. That’s a long list.”When he opens his door to her the morning after the article’s release her eyes are big and brown, wild and weary. She’s furious. And like an idiot he kisses her. Sydney’s palms push him back, his feet landing farther than he’s expecting, she’s pretty strong. She stammers something about having to go, Carmy wanting more than anything to sink to his knees and beg her not to. He doesn’t. All he does is scream. “Fuck!!” Later the same day he calls her, thanks every power above that she actually answers. “I don’t wanna talk about it, Carmy.” “We don’t have to. We don’t I just. Fuck, Sydney I’m really sorry. I’m sorry, I-I made you uncomfortable and that-that was totally inappropriate and I fucking understand if you wanna kick my ass, I deserve it—" “Jesus Carmen shut up.” She sighs. “Look, we're not having this conversation over the phone. Meet me at Lincoln Park after the sun goes down, at 8. By the swing set.” Sydney hangs up before he can agree, and he can’t help it when his lips curl up a little. She wants to see him. Even if it’s to tell him he’s a piece of shit again, he’ll take it. She’s sitting on a bench when he gets there, hair tied up and wearing an oversized graphic hoodie. The sight makes his heart skip. He sits down and she doesn’t look over at him before he hears her voice. “I applied for The Beef because you were there. My dad didn’t really give a shit about the place. I made that up so I wouldn’t look like a loser.” “Um—" She continues. “I saw you in-in articles and interviews and I read so much about you. Everywhere you’d been. So when I saw you needed a sous I jumped at that shit.”“And I thought maybe, maybe you wouldn’t be like everyone else. You might not scream, might not push. Might… might-might see me. But you did. You screamed, you pushed. You blew me off. And that hurt.” Sydney looks over at him for the first time, turns her body. “But you know the thing about you, Carmen? You apologized. You apologized for being shitty about my dish, you apologized for screaming. And I appreciated it. I did. But that shit still follows me. Every day. I can’t do it because I’m not ready, you told me it wasn’t. I should fuck off because you said I should. I’m still less than and that’s scary,” She sniffles and Carmy’s heart cracks. “I don’t wanna fall out of love with this. But you’re starting to make me feel that way. You know that? You said you couldn’t do this without me, you said you wouldn’t leave me alone and-and you fucking lied. Looked me in the eye and lied. And on top of that, make me question if I’m even good at this. How do you think that feels?” Carmy’s silent, and Sydney’s eyes harden. “That wasn’t rhetorical.” “I wasn’t lying. I wasn’t I. I can’t do this without you. I said stupid fucking shit that night, none of it was true. I want to be there for you, Syd. I’ve been hard to keep up with because of me, alright? Not you. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to get out of my own way.” He feels his heart in his throat, chokes out “I don’t want to lose you.” “That why you kissed me? To get me to stay?” Carmy’s head shoots back. “What? No. N-no that is not why—" “Then why?” His head goes blank. Carmy stammers for an answer and nothing comes out. All that exists is one sentence, truer than anything else.
Because I wanted to.
“I don’t know.” Is what comes out of his mouth. Sydney sighs. “Dude. What about Claire?” “What about her?” She scoffs, looks away from him again. “I am not a fucking understudy alright? If you did what you did because you panicked or-or whatever. Fine. But if I actually, y’know felt something? Stringing me along is fucking shitty, okay?” “If you’re still thinking about her, you shouldn’t have done that.” She finishes. “You’re right. And-and even if I don’t know why I kissed you, I-I think I do. I do have feelings for you, Syd. I can’t. I can’t dissect them right now or really registered it before but, it’s there and-and it’s real. But I’m not. I’m not expecting anything. It’s-it’s fine if you don’t feel the same way, whatever fucking way I feel.” He keeps going. “I don’t wanna be the reason you give up on this, Syd. You’re incredible. You’re so smart and driven and intuitive. And you fucking care about people. It’s rare.” He turns toward her, looks at her straight. “If this is what you want, I want this for you.” There are tears slipping down her face and Sydney harshly wipes them away. “You think we could have ever been friends?” “I thought we were.” Syd gives him dead really? eyes. “We aren’t. We’re like some weird ass third thing.” Carmy chuckles humorlessly, wrings his hands together. “Is it too late?” “It might be,” Syd says. “But if we were to start, I’d need you to do something for me first.” “Anything.” Carmy responds immediately. “Talk to Richie. Like forreal no voicemail bullshit.” He nods and offers to take her all the way back home, rickety train ride and all. She stands up, dusts herself off and agrees. At her stoop she turns and sighs, fishing in her pocket for her keys. “Thanks. For-for bringing me back.” “I’m really gonna miss you, Sydney.” Carmy blurts it out before he can stop himself. She only sighs. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”Carmy doesn’t sleep that night. “I um. I used to wonder what it would be like to be an only child. Not like I hated my siblings or anything just. It was a thought. Like-like would I get all of the attention? Would my mom have loved me more? Would I even have all these fuckin’… issues? But then, I don’t know, I think about how lonely that is. At-at least how lonely I would have been. No one to show me how to do shit, y’know? How to tie my shoes or-or how to play video games or just. Be there. I don’t know. “I’m doing this restaurant thing for the first time. At least— I’ve never been in charge like this. Youngest sibling. When-when it was The Beef, I was focused on fixing and-and fixing. And fixing. So much that it felt like nothing was my fault. I was there to make things better. Now it’s um. It’s different. I’m trying to keep everything perfect because we need a star. My CDC she um. She’s the best person I know. She’s kind and she-she listens and she’s patient. With me, with everyone. And I don’t know how to tell her anything. I don’t know how to filter out the bad so everything is good for her. I don’t know how to tell her I’m a fucking lost cause and I’m not sure why she even wants to know more. “And. Well now she’s leaving. She’s leaving and I don’t know what to do. I kissed her and she asked if I did it to get her to stay. That made me sick. “She doesn’t deserve to have to deal with me. But I don’t know if anyone else understands me the way she does. I’m scared of who I am without her. So. Anyways. I appreciate you guys letting me share. Thank you.” Carmy has a staring problem, he’s noticed. And the only person who really has to deal with it is Sydney. He tries to be discreet about it, but he can tell the color of his eyes probably doesn’t help him very much with that. The first time she catches him she barks. “What?” It gets the attention of Tina who’s on her side of the island, she looks between them both. “Oh. Um noth-nothing.” The second time it’s during Family. Since their conversation in the park Syd’s gone from pretending he doesn’t exist to glaring. To Carmen it’s so much better he almost wants to sing like a fucking idiot. She bangs on the door of the office. “Yo. You have to eat. Now.” “I’m not hungry,” he turns back to the paperwork in front of him. “I know you didn’t eat breakfast because you never do and you did that scrunched eye thing and rubbed your forehead like three times this morning. You need some food, Carmen. I made it today.” He perks up. Raises his eyebrows as if to ask what she made and she gets the message, huffs out a cross between a scoff and a chuckle. “Roast chicken. Rosemary potatoes and broccolini too.” Sydney rolls her eyes at him when he doesn’t respond, just stares. “I am not doing that whole ‘please, for me?’ cutesy disgusting batting eye thing so, come out and get some food right now or I’m gonna pour ice water down your shirt.” That actually makes Carmy laugh as he stands, follows her out the door. He sits across from her and tries his best not to let his gaze linger on her too long but it doesn’t work. Carmy’s lucky enough to have Sydney’s eyes catch his, and he’s probably fucking imagining it, but he thinks there’s a ghost of a smile on her face before she frowns and rolls her eyes. He wants to smile too, the twitch of his mouth right on his heels. It’s enough, if it’s all he gets. He’s gonna make it to Family every day now. “Cous-Richie. Can I talk to you? Outside?”Richie’s finished eating when he calls for him. He catches him looking over at Sydney, and all she gives him is a small shrug. “Yeah. Fine.” They both make their way out back, Carmy taking a seat on the crates but Richie stands, shuffles his feet before reaching into his pocket for a carton. “Can I um. Can I bum one?” Richie laughs. “Can you—? The fuck happened to quitting?” Carmy only shrugs. “Quit quitting,” The carton and lighter are tossed into his lap, he lights one and tosses it back. “I don’t like this.” Carmy mutters between pulls. “Don’t like what?” “This,” Carmy waves his arm between the two of them. “Yeah, well. Don’t know the fuck you want me to do about it,” Richie looks away. “You remember when I was learning how to drive? Uh, you and Mikey were in the car with me and he was fuckin’ yelling at me about parallel parking and stop signs and left turns. So you two switched and you were surprisingly more patient. Said to stop gripping the wheel so tight and to stop fuckin’—"“Yelling at yourself because I could see it on your face, bro.” Richie pipes up. His eyes are soft for a second and Carmy thinks this might be it. The moment it’s all okay. “Why are you bringing this old shit up?” Carmy pushes his face into his hands and sighs. “Cousin, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean any of that shit I said, alright? And-and I know I already said all of this and I know it’s not enough so-so just tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it. You’re important to me. Really, really important and I’m tired of letting this shit fester.” Richie takes a rigid seat down next to him on the crate. “You’re a fuckin’ annoying kid, you know that?” That gets a sudden laugh out of Carmen. “I know.” “I shouldn’t have instigated like that. I um. I thought about it and I kinda get why you blew up at me. Wasn’t my place. How’s that with Claire, by the way?” “I didn’t apologize. I um. I know I-I should and I want to, but. I wouldn’t know where to start. He takes a long drag. “Can’t really get her out of my head.” Richie nods, but Carmy keeps going. “Sydney’s leaving.”“You’re kidding.” Carmy shakes his head, takes another drag. “Told me a couple of nights ago, smacked the shit out of me too.” “Carmen. What the fuck? What did you—?” Richie shakes his head. “We gotta convince her to stay. What’s the offer, we can make a better one. Renegotiate or whatever—" “It’s not gonna change shit. She’s. She’s leaving because of me, I fucked it up. I didn’t listen to her and-and I didn’t see that she wasn’t happy. Syd’s always fucking here to-to calm me down and to tell me to get my shit together and I couldn’t even be fucking decent and do the same for her—" Carmy’s breath becomes ragged, his heart rate increasing and vision getting blurry. “Cousin. Relax, alright? Breathe.” Richie places a firm palm around his neck, looks at him straight. Carmy holds in a breath and exhales, even if it trembles. “I lost her, Richie. I fucking lost her.” “You didn’t lose her yet. She’s still here right? Fuckin’ counts for something. But I need you to be straight with me right now,” Carmy’s eyebrows scrunch as Richie lowers his hands to his shoulders. “You feel something for her. Yeah?” He doesn’t even have the energy to deny it. It’s familiar. Being so in awe of her, not being able to imagine who he’d be if Sydney weren’t there, Carmy could never put a name to it before. Still can’t. His response is hushed, defeated. “Yeah. Yeah I do.” Richie sighs, eyes shifting a little. “Then you got two options. You could get her to stay, do whatever the fuck you can, fuckin’ make her a ten course meal I don’t know. Or, you could just let her go.” “I told her if she wants to go then that’s what I want for her. But I fucking don’t, Cousin. I don’t, I can’t—" “Hey,” Richie says firmly. “It was probably really hard for Syd to tell you she wanted to go. If she did, if-if she even entertained it, then it means that it might be what she really wants. I don’t wanna fuckin’ lose her are you kidding? She’s like the only reason I know what day it is most of the time. But she’s also good. Like actually fuckin’ good. Don’t hold her back.” “Also,” Richie continues. “Figure out your shit with Claire-bear. Do not fuckin’ yo-yo two girls because you can’t make a choice. I know you’re not like that.” Richie stands and straightens his tie. “I love you, kid. I’m sorry if I was a shit. And keep talking to me. I'm fuckin' serious.” Carmy sighs, wipes a stray tear from his cheek. “Love you, too.” When he gets back inside he sees Richie stride over to Syd at expo, open up his arms and motion toward him while she gives him suspicious eyes. Richie only scoffs and pulls her toward him anyways, squeezing her tight. He can only hear small bits of their conversation, and Sydney’s indignant plea for him to let her go, disgruntled affection coating her voice. She walks over to him when Richie goes, so Carmy makes quick work of pretending to be on his phone. “You didn’t have to tell him.” She says. “It kinda just came out. It wasn’t mine to tell though.” “But you guys talked?” Carmy nods and Syd responds with one of her own. “I’m glad.” He stops her before she walks away, voice a little desperate. “Does this mean we can…?” She eyes him expectantly and the words die in his throat. Sydney steps toward him again, big brown eyes sad and ethereal. “I um. I appreciate you listening to me. I do, but it’s too hard. I think we could have been, before maybe but. What you said to me, how you’ve been acting. It’s.” She clears her throat. “It’s really hard to want anything with you right now.” “Sydney please.” He almost grabs her hand but thinks better of it. “Just-just tell me. Tell me what I need to be for you.” She shakes her head. “You have to figure that out.” “Syd—"“I gotta finish cleaning up the front.” She walks away with that, and when she does Carmy leans his head on his locker, close to banging it as hard as he can. There are 12 days left with her. 12 days to get her to forgive him. He still doesn’t sleep.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I messed up again.” “Messed what up again?” “I told you all that I’m gonna be here for you. I said I had you. And now. I’m-I’m leaving.”“You’re leaving? Just like that? Where the fuck is your loyalty, Syd?” It’s Richie’s voice, stern and cold. “What?” “I knew you were never about us. You just wanted to move on to the next thing.” Marcus. “No. No-no no that’s not it I—" “This hurts, mama. I trusted you. Really trusted you. Never thought you’d leave us out to dry.” Tina. “I’m not! I’m— stop. Stop, stop it. Please—" “You think this will actually be different. It’s another kitchen, another boss. You couldn’t even make it on your own, my love. What makes you think this will be better?” Natalie. “Stop! I can’t— I can’t—"“I meant it. You’re nothing without me. No matter what you do, you’ll never be where I am. I don’t even know why I bothered with you. You feel this too, don’t you? But you’ll never tell me. You’re just gonna be alone without anyone.” Carmy, his shadowy figure steps closer to her and gently cups her cheek, blue eyes burning. “Stop!” Sydney sits straight up in bed, heart hammering in her chest. She tries to slow it down, breathe in and out, five seconds then ten. She’s so tired of crying, eyes puffy and swollen and creased eyebrows because her face refuses to relax. She gets up and gets ready for the day, having given up on a good night’s sleep a while ago. There’s a text on her phone. Been there for a couple of hours now.
Maybe: Luca:
Hey Sydney, it's Luca. I know you gave me your number a while ago but I didn’t know when to text. Anyways I wanted to know if you ever wanted to grab a meal whenever you’re free?
She sighs and swipes up, presses Spotify instead. Sydney’s not an idiot, okay? Luca’s really fucking cute. Easy to talk to too. It’s not lost on her that her dorky rambling can come off as flirting. And frustratingly, her heart’s holding onto someone else. Someone else whose head she wants to fucking rip off as soon as she sees him. Feelings are so stupid. When she gets to work there’s a warm cup at expo with her name written in shaky letters on it in cut tape. It smells like lavender chamomile. Carm’s where he usually is, right next to her station going over adjustments to the weekly menu. “What is this, Carmy?” “What’s what?” He looks up so she just points to the cup. “Oh that’s um,” he scratches at the side of his nose. “You-you were talking about how tea is weirdly able to wake you up and settle your stomach in the morning, and y-y’know you said you really liked chamomile so I had them put in some lavender extract in there for um. For calmness. Uh, honey too.”What the? “I said that like once…” Carmy shrugs. “I’m sorry. I’m being weird,” “You are,” Syd nods. “But you’re also being kind.” She picks up the cup and takes a sip. “Thank you.” There’s something else she needs to tell him, might as well rip off the bandaid now. “I need to leave after service prep on Friday.” “Oh,” Carmy stops writing again and looks up at her. “Uh. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I’ll just make a note and—" “I’m going on a date.” Fuck! What the shit! Why would you say that?! “What? With who?” “Um. With-with Luca.”
Sydney:
Hey Luca. Thanks for texting lol. I’d really like that. Is Friday okay?
Carmy’s face goes a little pale as his eyes scrunch shut. “Luca? Whe-when. When did this happen? When did you even?” He trails off and Sydney picks it back up. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”Her voice is so icy it even throws her off for a second. Carmy looks down and nods. “Chef. I’ll-I’ll um. That’s. I’ll make a note.” “Good.” At least half the kitchen knows she’s leaving now, and she’s not sure how many sad conversations are left, just knows she’s not through with them yet. Tina knocks on the office door while Syd’s taking a breather, already knowing Carmy’s smoking out back. “Hey, mama I’m sorry about the haul this morning, they’re having such a hard time at the market and I did the best I could—" Sydney stops her. “T, don’t apologize alright? Not your fault. You’re good, Chef.” Tina nods and is about to walk away. Stop putting this off. “Tina? Um wait I uh. I wanted to tell you something.”The woman turns around and Syd sighs. “I’m uh. I’m leaving. At the end of next week.” “No…” “Yeah.” Tina sighs, places a soft hand to the side of Syd’s face. “Who else knows?” “Um Marcus and Richie. Nat and-and Carmy too,” Tina gives her a firm look. “If it’s because of Carmy I’ll fuck him up. I’m serious, baby.” “It’s… it’s a lot of things. I just,” Syd looks around to make sure they’re still alone. “I’m scared.” “Scared of what, my love?” “Can um. Can you sit with me? Please?” Tina shuts the door before she does, places her warm hand right back on Syd’s face. Sydney places a hand right over it, sighs deeply to stop her voice from trembling. “You know I um. I had my catering business? A couple of years back?” She gets a nod in response. “It was really hard. Kind of dealing with that and-and not knowing where to go from there. It was just me so I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about it. No one to um, no-no one to share that with. And this, y’know it’s. It’s been a lot. I don’t wanna fail you guys.” “Hey, hey. Look at me.” Tina says and Sydney opens her eyes back up. “You are not failing anyone. Okay? Syd, baby you are extraordinary, don’t let any motherfucker tell you that you not. If you got a dream? Follow that shit. I’m serious. It’s what I admire the most about you. The most. But I would hate to think you’re leaving with unfinished business or for the wrong reasons. I wanna ask you again and be honest with me. Is this about Carmen?” Sydney’s next words come out in a broken jumble as her tears finally pour. “He keeps breaking my heart.” Tina takes her head and leans it right into the crook of her shoulder as Sydney sobs. “It’s okay, mija, it’s alright.” She cups Sydney’s face again and wipes some of her tears too. “I don’t know what y’all got going on. But I know you both. And I know you don’t talk about the shit you got going on. The way he looks at you, baby, the way he is with you? I never seen it. All I’m saying is if you’re really going, put it all out there. All of it. And make him fuckin’ listen.” The tears just flow again as Sydney lets out another pathetic mixture between a sob and a laugh. “You’re r-really special to me, T.” Tina leans up a bit and kisses her forehead. “Te amo mi vida, okay? Forreal.”Service isn’t as bad that night. Carmy still stares at her like she’s not supposed to notice, and Sydney at least admits to herself how much she loves his eyes. Sydney finds herself over at her dad’s way more times a week than it warrants, sometimes forgetting to go to her own place after work and in turn ending up at the stop closest to her dad’s apartment. “I’m not gonna do this all the time. I swear I just. I keep forgetting I don’t live here anymore.”Emmanuel greets her at the door with a tired smile and a hug. “Why you think I would complain is beyond me.” Sydney smirks and narrows her eyes when she pulls back. “This was your plan all along, old man.” He chuckles and steps aside so she can toe her shoes off at the door. “How was work?” She plops down on the couch. “Oh you know, same old. Trying to make sure everything’s alright before I go,” “Right…” Emmanuel takes a seat right next to her. She narrows her eyes again. “What?” “Nothing. Nothing, it's just. Everything or everyone?” “What’s that supposed to mean, Dad?” Her dad raises his hands up in surrender. “Baby. I know you can be impulsive and-and move too fast. I don’t think I ever asked you why you’re leaving,”“Where is this coming from, you didn’t even like that I was at The Beef, you-you said the same thing then!” He sighs. “I was apprehensive, yes. I can. I can admit that. But I just wanted you to make sure you had all your bases covered before you jumped in like last time. I could see how much this meant to you, how much the people meant to you. You avoid things sometimes honey…”“Or I think I could do better somewhere else—" “Better as in happier?” “Hap—? Yes! Yeah if-if I’m at a place where my ideas aren’t shot down and-and I have control over what goes out and I don’t have to sit and agonize over why I feel a certain way for someone who's hurting me,” She didn’t mean to say that last part, and now her dad’s look is even more layered. “Why have I never met Carmen?” That’s not what she expected him to say. “Why you’ve—? What-what do you mean?”“You used to talk about him a lot. Never really answered my questions about him when I asked.” “Okay because he’s my—" Sydney pauses, not knowing what exactly should come out of her mouth. “It’s not like he’s—" Stumped again. Shit. Emmanuel sighs again. “Y’know sometimes when your mom and I would get into a fight, she’d hole herself up in the bedroom and refuse to come out for hours.” “I had. I don’t know, this way of making her angry. She once said that she didn’t know how she could love me so much and also want nothing to do with me all at the same time,” He chuckles at the end of his sentence and it makes Sydney do the same. “So how’d it end?” “Well. She’d come out of the bedroom and hug me. For a really long time. Said she’d rather be mad at me and be with me, than be bored with anyone else.” He continues. “Not that I tried to anger her, it just happened. I’d push her away and she’d do the same with me. But whatever it was, it was always worth a conversation. I would have been lying to myself if I ever said I didn’t want to have one with her, even if it hurt.” Her dad yawns and tells her that she’s free to sleep in her old room, which Syd can tell is less of an offer and more of a command. She brushes her teeth with the extra toothbrush in the bathroom and washes her face with the dollop of product she left behind. Her twin bed still has the covers on it, her dad really didn’t move anything out. It makes her smile. When she’s under the comforter she whips out her phone and it’s ringing before she’s even realized what she’s done. “Hello?” Carmy’s voice isn’t sleepy, she was kind of hoping he was getting even a little, or maybe even hoping he just wouldn’t answer and she could blame it on a butt dial. “Hi.” “Hey. Why-why are you—? I-I mean what’s up, what’s going on?” His awkwardness and stuttering makes Sydney’s heart twist, mouth curling into an endeared smile. “Nothing. I just um. I don’t know, wanted to hear your voice I think? Is that alright?” “Yeah,” he sighs. “Yeah, that’s alright. More than.” It’s silent for a little while, the L rumbling behind her the way it always used to. “I um. When I was on my way to work this morning I tripped and fell into a bush. I thought about you like the second it happened.”Sydney’s huffs out a surprised laugh. “Are you fucking serious? Why didn’t you tell me?” Her voice is swimming in glee. “Because I knew you would fuckin’ laugh at me like you are now.”She’s still giggling. “How’d it happen?” “Yeah, no. No way.” “C’mon! You already opened the can might as well spill.” Carmy sighs. “My shoe was untied.” “Oh my god!” She’s full on laughing now. He keeps going, laughing a little too. “I stepped on the lace and when I looked down my leg did this weird twisty shit and I landed in the bush, like face first. I kinda just laid there for a minute and didn’t move,” “Dude, dude I can’t breathe, holy shit,” It’s quiet again while her laughter subsides, Carmy breaking it a second time. “Why are you going out with him?” Sydney sighs, shrugs even though she knows he can’t see her. “He asked me.” “He’s only gonna be here for what, a couple of months? Luca he’s—" Carmy huffs. “He’s nice but he’s all over the place, y’know? He can’t-can’t give you. He can’t be there for you—" “And you can?” It slips out. She sits up in bed and rubs over her forehead. “It’s just a date Carmen. A first one at that.” There’s another question sitting behind her tongue, practically burning through her lungs. “How do you feel about Claire? Like really?” “I don’t wanna talk about her.”“Oh I know. But I think we have to. Carmy I’m gonna say something even if it fucking kills me; if you feel something for me but also for her, it’s not the weirdest thing in the world.”“I just- I don’t know, Syd. Guilty. If I had to put a word to it. Guilty.” “For what you said?” “For all of it. I feel bad for wasting her time. So long went by and I couldn’t. I couldn’t even call her my girlfriend until you told me to.”“With-with Claire, thinking about her, I can’t move, I can’t breathe. I feel stuck. When I was um. When I was with her too.” “What about with me?” Sydney asks softly, twirling a thin thread in her comforter around her finger. Carmy sighs again. “I feel alive.” It’s a funny thing, just like her dad said. Being so mad at someone but feeling so deeply for them at the same time. Carmy just has this hold on her heart that he’s had since they’ve met, getting tighter and tighter with every look. Every smile. Every fight. “I’m going on the date.” “Please don’t,” “Goodnight, Carmy.” She hangs up with those words, hands trembling until she falls asleep. “It’s beautiful up in Napa, I think that it’s really nice to get some time to reflect and just be. In the kitchen it’s just very high strung, but being outside lets me remember how to be a person.” “Woah separating kitchen life from personhood. Very deep,” Sydney jokes. Luca laughs, smooth and polite. “Oh yeah totally. I actually send someone else into the kitchen for me.” He leans forward to whisper conspiratorially. “Don’t tell anyone,” He’s so close to her and she should feel it. That little drop in her stomach or even a flutter of her heart. But she doesn’t.She looks at him and so much is missing. Somehow. Luca is so tall, and blond, strong, attractive and agreeable. But Sydney misses dirty blond curly hair. Another pair of blue eyes that are deeper and sadder. He’s even too fucking tall. Is she just out of her mind? “Sydney? You okay, you seem a bit out of it,” She takes her hand off where it’s resting on her cheek, adjusts the bow on top of her head and dusts off her dress from the waist down anxiously. “Huh? Oh. Oh yeah. Yeah for sure sorry I’m just. A little lost in my thoughts I guess,” “Hm. Do you want to talk about it?” “No. No that’s. That would be weird.” Luca gives her a smile and sighs. “You know Sydney, you’re very pretty and also very expressive. I can tell you’re not into me. And that’s alright. So if you want to talk as friends, that is fine with me.” Sydney smiles back, cups her eyes with her hands before putting them back down. “Have you ever been in love?” Luca huffs out a surprised laugh. “And I’m the one being deep?” She’s laughing too, “Shit, I’m sorry.” “But to answer your question, I have been. It was um, it was a long time ago, back in London. He was. He was someone I met in school. I wasn’t doing well, like at all and he was the only thing that kept me there. Was my best friend, fought all of the time.” “What happened?” Luca sighs sadly. “That thing I said about my sister?” Sydney nods. “Not particularly exclusive to her. We got into a huge row, didn’t speak for a couple of years, then I had to find out on Facebook that he was marrying someone else. Tore me up.” “That’s—" Sydney places a hand over his. “I’m really sorry.”He waves her away gently. “It was my own fault. If I’d told him how I felt earlier maybe things could have been different. But I was a kid. Didn’t know any better.” “What did it feel like? Being with him?” Luca smiles, sits in a long pause before answering. “Like there wasn’t any other person in the world. Almost didn’t need to be? Like…magic.” He groans, covers his face with a hand. “That was awful, my god.” Sydney’s laughing again. “No. No, that was helpful. Thank you.” “And you? Who’s this person you’re in love with? Your ‘magic’.” “Ha. I um. I was just asking I never. Nev-never said I was, y’know—" Luca pats her hand. “Take a breath, Sydney. I think we should get some dessert, call it a night. A nice night.” He offers to walk her home, which she accepts, having a debate along the way about whether barbecue chips are actually good. They’re gross, this Sydney stands by. There’s a figure that’s too far to make out when they’re about a half block away from her stoop, and when they get close enough she sees it. Carmy in his white shirt and black slacks, covered in a jacket and gripping a huge bouquet of… orchids? “Carmen. What are you doing here?” She’s a little breathless when she says it, still trying to gauge whether this is fucking real or not. “Um. I just. I—"“Carm! It’s good to see you, mate.” Carmy turns his body and nods awkwardly. “Hey, hey Luca.”Luca nods. “Okay. Well I am going to go. Sydney, you’re lovely and I hope you had a nice time.” He smiles at Carmy, looks at her one more time and mouths magic before walking off. Sydney sighs. “C’mon. Let’s go inside.” She gets a frantic nod in reply and they head up the stairs. “How did you get flowers this late?” It fucking tumbles out as they trudge up because it’s genuinely stumping her right now. “There’s a shop on Madison that closes at 11:15 so I kind of,” he clears his throat. “Ran um. Ran there.” Oh my fucking god. Sydney’s hands are almost too shaky to get the key into the slot when they finally get to her door.When they get inside she makes a beeline for her bedroom, leaving Carmy to awkwardly look around her living room for the small things she’s managed to put up there. Her chef whites are in her hands when she’s back, blue and red striped sleeves folded outward. “I’m glad you’re here actually, so I can give you this back.” She presents the bundled fabric to him.Carmy places the flowers down delicately on her coffee table and sighs. “Syd. This is yours.” She shrugs to feign nonchalance, despite her heart beating in her ears. “I don’t want them anymore. It would be weird to-to wear them somewhere else anyways so. Take it.” “No.” “Take it, Carmy.”“No. No you’re keeping that,” “I just said I don’t want them—"Carmy groans. “Why are you doing this to me? I-I get it I’ve been. I’ve been a fucking asshole, especially to you in-in so many ways I can’t forgive myself for, okay? I get that. But please. Don’t make me take this back. I can’t.” Sydney slams the whites down onto the floor with a loud thump. “Why did you get them for me anyways? Why-why spend all of that time and money and effort. Why—?!” “Because I love you! Why fucking else?!” Her throat starts to close up, so her voice pathetically cracks when she speaks again. “You love me?” He nods, a little frantic. “I love you. I-I love everything about you. How fucking awkward you are and-and dorky and patient and passionate.” Carmy starts to pace while Sydney just watches in awe, destroyed. “I love that you’re kind, and caring and optimistic, and hard headed. You make my heart skip when you walk in the door and I can’t even find my words around you sometimes. Since-since the moment we met I’ve felt something, I’ve just been too fucking scared to admit it. I’m in love with you, Sydney.” Her feet are moving before she gives them permission, feeling like she’s floating a little bit. All she does is step right in front of Carmy, takes his face in her hands and presses her mouth to his firmly. She sighs into it, tries not to let her knees buckle when he groans and palms her waist roughly, lips connecting and disconnecting a little frantically. Rushed kisses melt into soft ones, and her fingers brush over his stubble as they slow their pace, one of her hands raising to sift through his curls near his nape and his still resting at her waist. “What does this mean?” He breathes out, still holding her when they part, forehead pressed onto hers. Sydney answers honestly. “I don’t know.” “I um. I just wanna hug you. Like for a long time. Is that okay?” Carmy nods. “Yeah. Yeah that’s okay.” So she does.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
If Carmy really thinks about it, he’s never held a baby. When Richie’s daughter was born, he only ever looked at her, even at Tiff’s insistence that he hold his niece. It wasn’t even that Carmen didn’t want to, but more that he was afraid. Fucking terrified actually. What if he dropped her or made her all contagiously sad or. What if she just didn’t like him? He knocks on the door and waits on distant footsteps as he taps his foot impatiently. “Carmy! What’s goin’ on?” Pete greets him with a weird whisper shout that makes Carmy’s face scrunch up. He steps inside. “Why are you talking like that?” “Samantha’s taking a nap, but she should be awake soon. How’ve you been, bro? Been uh, killing it at the restaurant, huh?” For fucks sake. “Um. Yeah. Yeah I guess. Kind of. Not-not really— is Nat awake?” Pete nods and points toward their bedroom. “She said to send you right in when you got here. What is this by the way, and do you think it’ll be loud when I try to cook it?” Carmy suddenly remembers the dish he handed off. “Oh. Oh yeah it’s um it’s braciole. It should be a perfectly acceptable volume, Petey.” When he makes his way to their bedroom Natalie is already sitting up and holding Samantha in her arms, smiling up at him with a quiet but excited greeting. “Look who’s here, Sammy? It’s your Uncle Carmy!” Carm sits down gently next to them. “Sammy? Like—?” “Sammy Fak yes I know. Don’t remind me I wanted this name so badly.” He chuckles and nods, raises his hands gently in surrender. “Alright.”“You wanna hold her, Bear?” “Uh, s-sure. I also, I got something for her, if that’s okay,” He places the small gift bag gently on their nightstand. “Besides the stroller you got from the registry? Which we love by the way, thank you honey.” “You’re welcome. But uh no it’s. It’s more for her.” Natalie smiles softly. “Okay. You ready?” He nods and nods again when she asks if he put on hand sanitizer when he got in. “So you’re just gonna support her head with the crook of your elbow—there you go just like that. And just relax.”Sammy coos softly when she’s in Carmy’s arms and it’s the weirdest fucking feeling. It’s like everything in the room starts to blur except for her. Her sleepy little eyes and rosy cheeks and tufts of hair atop her head. He’s not sure whether he’s panicking or whether it’s something else. But for a second it’s just them. Only them. Huh. The baby spits up suddenly, face contorting with discomfort. “Ooh okay. Looks like someone’s a little gassy. That or it’s the other end. Pete! Sweetie, can you come in here?” Natalie takes Samantha from Carmy’s arms carefully as Pete arrives. “Can you see if she needs a change? If not, I think she just needs to be burped.”Pete nods. “Of course sweetheart,” He takes Sammy in his arms and gives Carmy a dorky ass thumbs up before he goes, making him roll his eyes. Natalie sighs. “I’ve missed you.”“I’ve been right here.” She gives him a deadpan look. “You know what I mean.”“Yeah.” He sighs and looks down at his hands. “I’m sorry, Sug. I feel like I don’t say that enough. To-to you.” Natalie chuckles gently. “Oookay. For what?” “Do you have a fuckin’ hour?” That makes her laugh again. “I think sometimes about. I don’t know, about what Michael would say about her. If he’d be all over her or a little more like you— all shy. I still don’t know,” Carmy actually thinks on it. It’s not like Mikey was big on life stuff, the future. But he’d bring it up sometimes, have a look on his face Carm wanted to ask about but never found the voice to.“Well um. When Evie was born he accidentally said ‘fuck’ like the minute he met her so, probably something like that.” He starts to laugh a little at the end of his sentence making Natalie do the same. “Yeah,” she wipes away a tear. “Yeah I think so too.” “Did you call Mom?” “Sug…” Natalie rolls her eyes. “You knew I was gonna ask.” Carmy rolls his own right back at her. “Hoping by some miracle you wouldn’t.” “And if I said I wanted you to?” “What difference does it make to you, Natalie?” It comes out harsher than he intends, and he regrets it the second it leaves his mouth.“I’m um—" he starts. “I’m sorry that was. That’s not what I mean it’s just. It’s hard with her, you know that.” Sugar sighs. “I know. I didn’t mean to pressure you, Bear. That wasn’t cool. But, it’s just that she’s been coming over and. I-I don’t want it to be one or the other, y’know? I really like when you’re over here, fucking twerp.” Carmy chuckles and nods. “I get it.” The melancholy flame in his sister’s eyes is controlled but not extinguished, she nods back. It’s quiet for a bit before she pipes up again. “Now. I don’t want you to think I’m attacking you. But I am very strongly asking: do you know why Syd’s leaving? She won’t give me a straight answer.” Fuck. Another thing he was hoping in vain she wouldn’t ask about. “Syd um. She hasn’t been happy. And-and I don’t wanna fuckin’, I don’t know speak for her. She’ll tell you I know she will, she just doesn’t wanna upset you. But I said some shit I really regret and we kinda got into it. That’s how I found out.” “Not happy how?” Carmy huffs. “With me. I’ve been a fuckin’ prick. Not-not listening to her and not talking to her anymore and steamrolling her. She didn’t know how to tell me she was upset and-and I’ve been trying to get her to forgive me. But whether or not she wants to go, I don’t want to keep her here if that’s not what she wants.”Natalie plants her hand to her forehead. “Carmen. I love you so much but I wanna strangle you. Maybe she—? Wait. What’s that look?” Carmy’s eyes shift from her face to behind her to beside her. “What. What look?” “That look— that fuckin’ deer caught in headlights look. Something else happened. Didn’t it?” “I kissed her,” “Carmen…” “And kind of got all jealous that she was going on a date with someone else and waited on her stoop. With flowers.” “Carmen!”Carmy places his hands over his face. “We’re kind of at this weird spot now. I told her how I feel and I think she feels it too. But I don’t want her to think I’m trying to get her to stay.” Natalie reaches over to take his hands off of his face. “Then I think you’ve got your answer.”“Huh?” She shrugs. “You just have to wait and see. I love Sydney. We all love the girl to death and none of us want to see her go. But you’re right. At the end of the day it’s her choice. So for right now, I guess for the next week, do your best to be there for her. The way she needs you.” It’s never been lost on him how the rest of the staff feels about Sydney, how often they go to her, how quickly she’s able to settle tempers and offer confidence. It’s fucking terrifying how lost they’d all be without her. How empty half of him already feels at the thought. “You have a very big heart, my love. And, y’know it’s okay if it takes you a little longer to process things, this shit isn’t linear.” Natalie places a warm hand onto his cheek. “I have a feeling that Syd wouldn’t even still be here if she didn’t understand that. So if you’re making a mess, clean it up.” Carmy nods and sniffles, not realizing how damp his eyes have gotten. Natalie moves her hand to the back of his neck, pinches the skin there hard. “Ow!” “That’s for hurting her. I still have insane pregnancy strength and you’re lucky I’m not using it on you.”Natalie quirks her head as she remembers something. “What’s the gift?” Carmy sighs, a little embarrassed now. “Oh it’s um. I got her one of those stuffed rabbits for babies y’know? The ones that like breathe and shit, so uh, so even when she’s sleeping or when she’s not with you she wouldn’t feel… like she’s alone. Fuck I don’t know it sounded nicer in my head.”When he looks up from his hands Natalie’s tearing up, wiping strays from her face. Her voice cracks, betraying her quip and it makes Carmy smile. “You’re s-such a little bitch.” “So let me get this straight. You came here to apologize for not apologizing?” Claire crosses her arms and tilts her head. “Um. Essentially. Bas-basically yeah.” “I think I also heard that our relationship was ‘fucking bullshit’, and that it was a ‘waste of time’.” “That’s—" Carmy sighs, shoulders tense as shit. “That’s the thing. You weren’t wasting my time, Claire. I shouldn’t have said that. I was wasting yours.” To say he wasn’t sure what finally brought him to the hospital to have this fucking conversation would be a lie. It was a knee jerk decision, but one he’s oddly glad he made, despite the fact that Claire’s disappointed glare is burning him from the inside out. “Regardless it was fucking harsh. I mean I thought. I thought we were good, Bear. And then come to find out you thought all of it was my fault? That-that you can’t be happy and that’s on me?” Claire’s words start to become a little fuzzy again, like they always do when another voice becomes clear.
You have to figure that out.
“It wasn’t for you to hear.” He blurts it out. The fuck did that come from?“What?” Claire sounds pissed and Carmy wants to stuff the words back into his mouth. “It’s just. I thought I was talking to someone else, Claire. I wouldn’t have ever said those things to you. I-It was never my intention to hurt your feelings. I was in a shit spot and it just kinda came out. Really i-it was just for me, if I’m being honest.” “And that’s what you were being that night? Honest?”
You love me?
Carmy nods. “Yeah. And I get it if you wanna tell me to fuck off. I should have told you the truth then but I’m trying now and—" he sighs. “I’m working on it.” “Alright. Starting to feel like you didn’t even like me,” “I did like you, I did. But uh. I was really caught up in a lot of shit from-from the past and you were always so nice— nicer than I deserved. I think I just started to associate being with you with making up for stuff.” Claire sighs, leans her elbow on the front counter where they’re talking in the lobby. “Was it the phone number thing? The party?” “I-I mean it didn’t help. I don’t want you to blame yourself, it was a lot of shit. Still is. A lot of shit that wasn’t on you.” He was so fucking nervous driving here, and looking at her now it’s odd. Carmy can’t tell if he’s terrified or just numb. Probably a fucked up version of both. “Well I’m not gonna say I accept anything but. I will say that you make me really sad, Carmy. I hope one day I hear about you and you’re doing good,” she shrugs. “That’d be enough for me.” Carmy tries for a smile, but is probably more of an awkward upturn of his mouth. “Thanks I uh. You too. I want that for you too.” Claire eventually shoos him away which he does without contest and feels like a fucking dumbass for feeling so much lighter.She’s there again. Brown eyes, shy smile, curved dimples, sweet voice. Okay. Her bedroom seems so hollow at night. Sydney hasn’t gotten around to putting all of her posters up here, all of her pins and knickknacks and books on the shelves. The ones she packed anyways. It’s strange, wanting to have left for so long and now that she has. Well she just misses a lot of things. The stickers on her dresser, her dad’s stinky ass CPAP machine, the way her twin bed hugged her. There is one thing here though, better than the comfort of all of those things combined. She turns on her side to look at Carmy, prompting him to do the same. “Y’know there was this one CDC, I think I was at… Alinea maybe? He um. He hated me, like hated. And there was this one day, I guess he was having a bad day I don’t know. He was just like ‘your hair is unprofessional, how did you even leave the house like that?’ and then he just walked away and went ‘fix it, Sasha!’ That's what he always called me even though I told him what my name was like 20 times. He didn't even call me 'Chef' that often now that I think about it. That was… that was rough.” “Fuckin’ asshole.” “Yeah. And I um. I didn’t know what to do. Or-or who to tell. So I just made shit I knew he hated when it was my turn to make Family. His white ass couldn’t stand scotch bonnet so I always made this curry with so much of it in there.” “I think um. I think he must have figured it out or something because uh. I had this idea I guess? I was mostly messing around with this prawn dish. Sorrel purée on the side with cucumber and rye chips. Sounds weird but it worked—" “No. No, that sounds fire.” She chuckles, inches her hand closer to his arm. “Thanks. It was. But um, he either saw me working on it or overheard me talking about it to someone else because he put the dish on the menu but like changed small stuff so it seemed different? Pumpernickel instead of rye and fuckin’ crab or something. It was shit, like… shit. Never said anything though.” Carmy sighs, since it’s so dark she hears it more than she sees it. “Why not?” “Wouldn’t really have made a difference. Not back then anyways, I don’t know. It wasn’t my first instinct.” “I’m sorry,” he says and she’s about to reply when she yawns like a dinosaur which makes him laugh. “Tired?” “Exhausted.”The first night, he asks if he can hold her hand while she sleeps. Sydney agrees, feeling the distinct roughness of his fingers run over her knuckles, and she’s out just like that. The second night, she asks him a question. “You got a crush on me or somethin’?” Sydney asks into the darkness. She hears Carmy’s head shift onto the extra pillow on her bed. “Syd. You know it’s way fuckin’ more than that.” She chuckles softly under her breath. “But you said I make your heart skip and you don’t know what to say when I’m around,” her shoulders come up to her ears and down again. “Sounds like a big ol’ embarrassing crush, I don’t know,”“Did I mention crazy beautiful and way out of my league?” Sydney rolls her eyes playfully, even if he can’t see it well. “You didn’t,” There’s a breathy chuckle in his voice. “I meant to. Got caught up, I think.”“I know you can’t see me right now but I’m doing that L thing on my head, y’know ’cause you’re a huge loser,” She gets a soft laugh in reply. “I’m just saying, I’m pretty sure I’ll be crushing on you forever.” It’s silent for a little while and for a moment she thinks Carmy’s fallen asleep. Syd takes a chance anyways. “I want you to hold me.”“Yeah?” He sighs, arms still motionless at his sides. “Yeah. But I’m still really mad at you, Carmen.” “I know. I know.” Sydney feels that sensation at the back of the throat, the one that feels like she wants to cry but she holds it in. “I’m glad you’re here. With me.”“I wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else.” He responds instantly. Her hand is warm on his chest when she wakes up. The third night is a Wednesday, both of their voices melty and delirious. Sydney has another question. “You think you’d be different right now if he was still around?” She wants to take it back, even in this comforting pocket of nighttime honesty she’s not sure why she asked that. But Carmy answers like he’s been thinking about it for a while, so she’s glad it came out. “I’m not sure. I was fucked up before he died, quiet and stubborn and gullible.” Syd shakes her head. “That’s not what I asked, Carm.” She hopes he gets her message of please don’t do that though she can’t find the words. He sighs again. “I wanna say I’d be happier. And-and in some ways I might be. But I don’t think that’s true. Fucked right?” “Eh, I don’t know. It’s not fucked but it’s not not fucked. It just is.” “I mean I wouldn’t have met you, for starters so. Maybe there is some kind of… silver lining.” She inches toward him just a little, taking a chance. “You don’t know that,” “I do. I’m not that fucking lucky.” Sydney mutters my god under her breath affectionately and her next words come out so much smoother than she actually thought they would. “Well I am, so. It would have happened.” She changes the subject before she has a chance to freak out, voice still sleepy. “I had a dream last night.” “Yeah?” Syd nods. “It was like flashes. Roasted duck, but with like a truffle sauce and coriander stalks and…” “Some kind of compote..?” “Yeah!” She shouts in a whisper. “Raspberry I think, to balance the flavor.” She didn’t realize that she was scooting close to Carmy while she was talking, body pressed up to his and her palm resting on his heart like it did before, his laying over hers. His smile is still visible in the dark. “Sounds delicious. We can work on it,” Her heart twists. “I um. I don’t think we really have time for that.” “Oh. Yeah that’s. Yeah.” Sydney’s head just droops down, nose nuzzling into the crook of his neck. His other hand slowly comes up to her waist, but his fingers brush over the dip of her hip and it makes her giggle.“That tickles! Just hold me Carmy, damn.” Carmy laughs, wraps his hand more firmly around her waist, and Syd sighs contently. She thinks about it for a second and decides to just do it. She paws and pulls gently at the collar of his shirt, leaning up and pressing her lips to the underside of his jaw just beneath his ear; lingering and tender. It makes him shiver a bit. “My bad,” she murmurs. “I just really wanted to do that.” “No it’s um. That was really nice. Thank you.”Sydney raises her head up and smiles devilishly, brushing her finger over the spot she kissed, wishing she could see Carmy’s face right now. “You blushing?” “Fuck off,” he laughs again, and Syd does her best to ignore the twisting her heart is doing, leans her head back down. Just as she’s about to fall asleep, she hears it, a harsh whisper. “I’m so fucking sorry, Sydney.” The morning comes after that. “Do I frighten you, Syd? Or intimidate you? If that’s the problem I think we can fix that, pal.” Cicero comes up behind her while she’s reviewing the menu, and it only serves his point that he makes her jump. “No Mr. Kal—Jimmy. That’s um. That’s not it.” “Good. Because I want you to know you can talk to me. We talk a lot about family around this money pissing parade and that doesn’t exclude you.” Sydney smiles. It’s Friday, her last day and she doesn’t know how the fuck to feel. Everyone knows at this point, word reaching Gary and Neil, Ebra, Manny and Angel. The hugs she received from them ranged from slightly awkward to incredibly warm, and honestly she loved every single one of them. It’s an odd feeling, one that Syd can’t name, but she’s not sure it’d be positive if she could. “I’m sorry I didn’t sign.”Jimmy shakes his head. “Don’t fuckin’ apologize to me. I’m sorry I was being a pushy fuck. But I mean, I will say this and take it with a grain of salt: there’s no expiration. And we can always adjust if you ever needed. Might take sitting down with—" He takes in a big dramatic sigh. “—Pete, but I’ll do it.”Sydney smiles and looks back down at her notes, Jimmy speaks again. “Let me ask you, what’s your favorite dish you’ve ever made, huh?” “I’ve ever made?” “That’s what I said.” And while she’d like to say she has to go all the way back through her personal catalog of dishes and dreams, ideas and improvements, there’s only one answer. “Cola braised short rib. With risotto.” “Sounds great. Why isn’t it on the menu?” Sydney sighs. “Oh, well. Carmy and I we um. We kinda got into it about it I guess? It was a whole thing and I. I don’t know I never brought it back up.” Cicero gives her dead eyes. “So? Bring it the fuck back up.” “But I-I mean it really was a while ago and—" “Syd, listen to me. This is what I say about ‘buts’. Inside every but is an asshole. Are you an asshole?” Sydney’s genuinely speechless. “Um…no?” “Exactly. Listen, kid. I love Carmy, always thought his eyes were a little much. And the way he looks at you, I mean my god, I don’t know how you fuckin’ stand it.” That makes Syd laugh. “One thing I wish I could change, what probably every old fucker like me does, I wish I could stop myself from runnin’ away. Your problems got legs, and are gonna follow you wherever you go next. You could probably own your own place one day, live in I don’t know Ireland and have five or six or nine or however many of those fuckin’ stars there are—" Sydney scoffs. “C’mon—" “No, I know you could. And I can tell that’s something you’d want. But think about what you want now and make that shit happen.” She snickers. “‘Be the guy’?” Jimmy rolls his eyes at her. “A little different in your case, and I’d say yeah Syd. Be the fuckin’ guy. If you weren’t already.” Sydney’s still silent as he’s about to go, chuckles softly at his last sentiment. “Thanks for getting him to use less of my money to wipe his ass, by the way. Keep that shit up.”Carmy comes out of the office then, smiles shyly at her. She smiles back.Carmy doesn’t come home with her for the first time all week, both of them exchanging silent goodbyes at the end of the night instead, a little paralyzed by the words. What they mean. Where they take them.There’s a scrap of paper on her dresser, small and a little crumpled.
Fucking incredible. Smart and funny and creative. Probably gonna own an empire someday. Could do anything anywhere anyway she wanted and it’d be amazing.
I’m tired of holding her back.
She knows exactly whose handwriting this is and it makes her heart twist and squeeze. Sydney pulls up a contact on her phone. Holds her breath while she’s waiting for the ringing to cease. “Hi, I um. I wanted to talk to you about something.” Shapiro sighs over the phone, though somehow, it’s less exasperated than she thought it might be. “I had a feeling I’d get this call.” “Then I guess you know what I’m gonna say.” Syd exhales. “Yeah it’s um. Sydney, I admire you. I do and I do uh, I do have to say I admire your loyalty—" “It isn’t about loyalty. I don’t wanna get into it or anything but, this is for me. I’m so sorry, I um. I just realized I don’t wanna leave like this.” “Which I get. I get that. Look, I’ve been doing this a while, right?” “Okay. So have I…” “Not like— look what I’m saying is in this industry you have to look out for yourself. Now you may not have the same concern but I do and, two new restaurants in the same city? Who’s to say both are gonna make it.” Sydney laughs in disbelief. “Is? Are you. Are you threatening me or something?”Adam sighs again, though this time it sounds different. “I really wish you were on board with this, Syd. I’ve seen the chaos and it’s not sustainable, with me you could have been—" “Sydney. And um I don’t know where you’re going with this but, I-I don’t really care. I’m truly sorry, I am. Are we um. Are we done here?” Shapiro speaks quieter now, making her eye twitch. “You really gonna let him do this to you?” “Respectfully, I’m making the fucking decision. Not him. Good luck with your spot.” She hangs up. Sydney walks in that Saturday to find Carmy in the kitchen early like he always is, too distracted by his notes to hear her. She’s going through this shit, not around it.
Put it all out there. Make him listen.
“Hey. The truffle roasted duck, I’m not sure how long the prep time is but we have a lot of leftover truffle and pearl onion here and T can come back with some duck. We work on it this week, see how it plays, fix it up and roll it out as a special next week, yeah?”Carmy’s said absolutely nothing, just staring at her with those damn eyes. Syd wants to smile, but also wants to keep her cool. He makes it way too fucking hard. “I uh—" “Yeah?” She asks again. “Yes, Chef. Yes, sounds good.” “Good. And if it sucks—"“We keep working on it.” She smiles, wiggles her lips so it doesn’t get too big. “Syd, I’m scared.”She sighs and steps closer. “Me too.”“I don’t wanna hurt you again.”“You will,” she nods and watches as Carmy takes a breath, then two, then three, all shorter than the last. “But I’ll be here, and you’ll know. And-and when I hurt you—" He takes another deep breath and responds immediately. “I’ll be here. And you’ll know.”“I love you.” Carmy says suddenly and it sucker punches her like it did the first time. She tries for words, maybe two, maybe three, maybe five fucking thousand but none of them come out. He must be able to read it all over her face, a soft smile curling up his mouth, dimples delicate. “I’m not saying that to hear it back, Syd.” Sydney nods and grins, says what’s on her mind regardless. “I wanna. Say it back.” Carmy’s mouth is still lifted up in one corner as he shrugs gently. “I can wait.” She just tells him to fuck off when he asks if she’s nervous, retorts by telling everyone that walks in that Carmen has a big crush on her right before they attack her with a relieved hug. This is good. And even when it’s not. It’ll still be. The Bear’s (New) Non-Negotiables:
Communication is key!
Don’t be afraid to fuck up. (Do it scared.)
Shirts ironed and pressed for service.
Tell someone if you feel sick. (Take your sick days!)
Nails trimmed, always.
Menu change on the first day of every season.
An environment that encourages and embraces razzle-dazzle and the dream weave.
Family; always on a rotating schedule.
Never forget a birthday.
Break down ALL boxes before putting them in the dumpster.
Joy: in general.
Technique, technique, technique.
Open heart, open mind.
You fucking got this!
— Sydney :), Carmy, and Richie