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The phone slipped from Wei Qian’s grasp, clattering onto the floor with a hollow thud. The world around him seemed to blur, the director's voices on the other end of the line fading into a distant hum. He didn’t care. He didn't care about anything, at all.At that moment, everything ceased to matter. Everything inside him seized up, his chest tightening painfully as if the air had been sucked out of the room. His vision swam, and for a moment, he felt as if he might collapse under the weight of the words echoing in his mind. His body tightened up to the point, he could stretch and burst.“We are deeply sorry for the loss.”The statement reverberated through his thoughts, each syllable carving out a deeper ache in his heart. He struggled to process the finality of it, the unbearable reality.Xiao Yuan was no more.Xiao Yuan was no more.Xiao Yuan was no more.
His Xiao Yuan was no more.
The memories surged forward unbidden: Xiao Yuan’s smile, his laughter, the way his eyes sparkled with mischief, the way he was confident over everything and how he took up challenges.Wei Qian remembered the day Xiao Yuan confessed his love, the look of raw vulnerability in his eyes. Wei Qian had panicked, unable to face the intensity of those feelings, and had banished Xiao Yuan to the USA to study, hoping the distance would quench the flames of their forbidden love.But now, that decision felt like a cruel twist of fate. Wei Qian’s hands trembled as he stared blankly ahead, his body numb with shock. It felt like an eternity passed before he could draw in a shaky breath, the sound of his own ragged inhalation startling him back to the present. His chest heaved, each breath a struggle against the crushing weight of his grief.
His Xiao Yuan was no more.
The boy he took in. The boy he fought hell and fire for. The boy who made the Wei family full. The boy was no more. A part of him refused to accept it, clinging desperately to the hope that this was some horrific mistake. That it was an elaborate prank carried out by Xiao Yuan in response to Wei Qian banishing him to the USA. The thought flickered through his mind, a desperate grasp at a fleeting hope. But the silence was deafening. There was no laughter, no comforting voice to tell him it was all a joke. Only the cold, harsh reality that Xiao Yuan was gone. His body was found buried in the avalanche.In his last moments, Xiao Yuan had been cold, both physically and emotionally. Buried under the snow, surrounded by icy stillness, he had faced the end alone. The thought was unbearable, and yet Wei Qian couldn't escape it.Wei Qian wasn’t there to protect him. Wei Qian wasn’t there to protect him. Wei Qian didn’t even know Xiao Yuan had passed away a few days ago. He wouldn't have ever known if the director hadn’t called since he never responded to Xiao Yuan's messages or calls.
He never did respond to them. Seeming to ignore it.
A sob caught in Wei Qian’s throat, and he pressed a hand to his chest, as if trying to hold himself together. His fingers dug into his shirt, the pain a small anchor in the storm of his emotions. His stomach lurched and knots twisted in his gut.He didn’t know how to move forward, how to exist in a world without Xiao Yuan.His Xiao Yuan.In that moment, Wei Qian’s world shattered, and he was left to pick up the pieces of a life that would never be the same.The director’s voice broke through his thoughts, a distant and clinical tone that barely registered in Wei Qian’s mind. Wei Qian slowly reached to pick the phone up again. “The body will arrive in a week or so. We will handle all the arrangements for the transport and necessary formalities.”Wei Qian nodded mechanically, his mind struggling to keep up with the words. He needed to stay strong, to deal with the practicalities. He had to keep the pain inside, even though everything in him wanted to scream and punch. He sent his boy away to create distance and find himself. Not leave him permanently.Xiao Yuan left him permanently. He listened to Wei Qian’s words and followed it till the end.“Thank you,” he managed to say, his voice sounding hollow to his own ears. “Please keep me informed.”“Again, we are sorry for the loss, Mr. Wei Qian. We can’t imagine the gravity of the emotions you must be feeling but Xiao Yuan. He was an asset. We are extremely sorry” the director added, their tone laced with genuine sympathy.The call ended, and Wei Qian stood in the silence of his house, the enormity of what had happened finally settling over him. He couldn’t cry. He wouldn’t cry. Instead, he turned his focus to what needed to be done, forcing himself into action. He would deal with his grief later, alone, when no one else could see the cracks in his facade.He couldn’t afford to break down now. There were arrangements to be made, people to inform. He had to stay strong, for Xiao Yuan and Xiao Lili’s sake, if not for his own. Oh. God. He had to tell Xiao Lili. The day seemed to pass by and it was late in the evening, and Wei Qian hadn’t gone to the office. He couldn’t go. He was ready to go when the phone call happened. After that, the whole day blurred into a swirly phase and Wei Qian had no energy or will to do anything. He had spent the day in a daze, ignoring his phone as it buzzed with calls and messages. The weight of his guilt and sorrow kept him rooted to the spot, unable to move or think clearly.The whole house was shredded in darkness. The only sound was the low buzz of the world outside, muffled through the walls. Even the ticking of a clock seems distant and dull. He was completely alone, surrounded by a void of silence and darkness. Hours had passed, but he felt like he had been in the same spot for all the time, his mind stuck in the same loop of guilt and despair, unable to break free, or even move from where he sat . Upon hearing the front door being unlocked, Wei Qian lifted his heavy eyes and watched a beaming Xiao Lili walking in, accompanied by San Pang.“Wei Qian Gē? Are you home?”Wei Qian was sitting on the couch, in darkness, watching them exchange looks. He could see the joy and light in their faces, a stark contrast to the darkness that enveloped him.The despair that still had a choke hold on him. He tried but he couldn't swallow the pain, bubbling in him.They flicked on the lights, and the warm light poured in. Wei Qian squinted against the sudden light, his head still feeling heavy as his eyes began adjusting to the change.“Gē?” Xiao Lili's cheerful voice rang out, and she called out to him as she stepped further into the apartment, noticing him sitting there silently.San Pang was walking just behind Xiao Lili, his eyes scanning the apartment as he took note of the unusual silence.“Wei Qian, why aint you at office? Why are you not answering the phone–”“Talk to us. What happened, Gē?” Xiao Lili's voice was soft and gentle as she spoke to him, her eyes full of worry as she spoke.He swallowed hard, his throat dry. It felt like gravels were lodged in his throat.Wei Qian's breath hitched in his throat as he looked into Xiao Lili's worried eyes. The words he needed to say felt stuck there, caught in a whirlwind of emotion. He swallowed hard, trying to force them out, but they just wouldn't come. He felt like he was drowning, desperately searching for a lifeline, but all he found was the crushing weight of the loss he never imagined.Finally, in a voice hoarse and raw, he managed to force out the words. “Xiao Bao. It’s.. it’s about Xiao Yuan”.Xiao Lili's eyes widened in shock and disbelief. "What do you mean?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper as she came to kneel infront of him. “There was an avalanche during his university trip. Xiao Yuan... Xiao Yuan didn’t make it.”Xiao Lili recoiled, her hands flying to her mouth in shock and horror. "Wh-what?" she stammered, her voice shaking. "No. No, no, no. That can't be true. Please say it's not true."Wei Qian didn’t respond after hearing his sister’s words. He dropped his eyes down and felt his heart lurch in a painful thud."You're joking, right?" she asked, her voice tremulous. "Please tell me you're not serious, Gē. Tell me, right now"Wei Qian closed his eyes, the pain in his sister's voice like a dagger to his heart. “Xiao Yuan... he's gone.”The words hammered home. And every essence of Wei Qian started to vibrate as it finally dawned to him that Xiao Yuan won't be coming home to them ever."No," she whispered, her voice cracking. "No, this can't be happening. Please... tell me this is a nightmare, and I'll wake up. Please."Wei Qian shook his head, his own heart feeling like it was breaking in two. He reached out a trembling hand and placed it on Xiao Lili's arm, trying to offer what small comfort he could. Wei Qian with misty eyes saw that Xiao Lili couldn't hold back the tears any longer. They came hot and fast, her body wracked with sobs that seemed like they would tear her apart. She covered her mouth with her hand, trying in vain to muffle the sounds, but it was impossible. The grief was too big, too all-consuming.San Pang moved quickly to support her, his own face a mask of disbelief and sorrow. “Are you sure?” he asked, his voice trembling.Wei Qian nodded, his expression hollow. “I got the call earlier. His body was found buried in the snow.”Xiao Lili’s sobs grew louder, her grief palpable as she clung to San Pang. “He was supposed to come back. We were supposed to see him again. How could this happen?”Xiao Lili buried her face in San Pang's shoulder, her cries echoing through the room. Wei Qian could feel his pain boiling over, every part in him pricked with pain, like tiny needles being buried under his skin, urging him to scratch till he bled. But Wei Qian couldnt. He had always been the strong one, the one to hold everyone together, but he couldn’t break now.San Pang, his own eyes red-rimmed, held Xiao Lili tightly, his gaze meeting Wei Qian’s over her shaking form. “We need to stay strong for him,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “He would want us to be together, to support each other.”"You're right," Wei Qian said, his voice hoarse. "We can't fall apart now."He reached out and rested a hand on Xiao Lili's back, his fingers digging into her skin. He would keep it together, no matter how much it hurt. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, the three of them huddled together as Xiao Lili's sobs slowly subsided. The room was thick with grief, the air heavy with the weight of their loss.Xiao Lili’s sobs began to subside, her breaths coming in ragged gasps. She looked up at Wei Qian, her eyes red and swollen. “What do we do now?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.Wei Qian took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “We’ll make arrangements,” he said, his voice shaking. “We’ll bring him home.”The words felt like a punch to the gut, the finality of it all hitting him like a ton of bricks. Xiao Yuan was gone, and there was nothing they could do to change that. Xiao Lili nodded, her tears still flowing but more silently now. “He loved us,” she said, her voice breaking. “He loved us so much. San Pang, he loved us and he left us.”Wei Qian felt a fresh wave of grief wash over him. He looked over at San Pang, who watched him with red eyes. "He did," San Pang said softly, his voice tight. "Xiao Yuan loved us more than anything in the world. And we loved him. We have to remember that."Wei Qian couldn’t respond, his throat too tight to speak. He knew San Pang was right, but the loss felt like a gaping hole in his chest, raw and festering.As the silence stretched, each breath felt heavy, laden with memories of Xiao Yuan's laughter and the warmth he brought into their lives. The emptiness was suffocating, and Wei Qian struggled to find the words that could encompass the magnitude of their loss.After what felt like eternity, San Pang gently guided Xiao Lili to sit down, her body still trembling from the force of her sobs. Wei Qian remained back on the sofa, unable to follow his sister or offer her comfort when he was breaking himself. His mind was a whirlwind of emotions, each one more painful than the last. The loss of Xiao Yuan felt like a piece of him had been ripped away, leaving behind a void that nothing could fill.Xiao Lili looked over at Wei Qian, her eyes pleading for some semblance of reassurance. "Gē," she whispered, her voice fragile. "How are we going to get through this?"Wei Qian closed his eyes, the weight of her question pressing down on him. "I don't know," he admitted, his voice barely audible. "I don't know how we're supposed to go on without him."San Pang, ever the pillar of strength, squeezed Xiao Lili's hand. "We'll take it one day at a time," he said gently. "One moment at a time, if we have to. We'll lean on each other, and we'll remember all the good times we shared with Xiao Yuan. He wouldn't want us to be swallowed by grief."Wei Qian nodded slowly, his eyes still closed. He could almost hear Xiao Yuan's voice, see his smile, and feel his presence. The memories were a double-edged sword, both comforting and excruciating. Wei Qian finally opened his eyes, looking at his sister and friend. The pain was still there, raw and unrelenting, but there was also a sense of resolve. They would get through this, together. They would find a way to heal, to keep Xiao Yuan's memory alive."Thank you," Wei Qian said softly, his voice filled with gratitude. "Thank you for being here, for being strong when I..."“Don’t” Xiao Lili gasped, fresh tears pouring out from her eyes, making them more red and puffy. She reached forward to grasp Wei Qian’s hand. “When is the body– when is he..”“In a week.”The word felt like a punch to the gut, the finality of it settling heavily in the room. A week. In a week, they would have to say goodbye to Xiao Yuan forever.Wei Qian's hand trembled in Xiao Lili's grip as he forced down the lump in his throat. "In a week. We'll... we'll have to arrange the… the funeral."Xiao Lili nodded, her tears falling faster now as she processed the information. She clutched at Wei Qian's hand like a lifeline, her fingers digging into his skin.San Pang watched the two of them, a deep sadness in his eyes. He understood their pain all too well.The room was silent for a long moment, the only sound the soft sobs of Xiao Lili and the occasional noise from the distant city outside. Wei Qian felt like a raw, open nerve, the pain of losing Xiao Yuan still fresh and new. His thoughts were chaotic, his mind jumping from one memory to the next, each one a stab to his heart.San Pang nodded silently, understanding what Wei Qian needed. He took Xiao Lili's hand gently and helped her up from the sofa, guiding her silently towards her room. She clung to him, her body still shaking with grief, as they made their way down the dimly lit hallway.As they disappeared from sight, Wei Qian sat alone in the living room. The emptiness of the space seemed to magnify his loneliness, the silence pressing down on him like a physical weight. He stared at the spot where Xiao Yuan used to sit, his heart aching with the realization that he would never see his brother there again.The memories flooded in, unbidden and relentless. He remembered Xiao Yuan's infectious laughter, the way his eyes sparkled with mischief, and the warmth of his hugs. Each memory was a bittersweet reminder of what he had lost. Of what he could have. Minutes turned into hours as he sat there, lost in his sorrow. The night grew darker, and the city outside continued its indifferent hum. Wei Qian's thoughts drifted to the future, to the daunting task of navigating life without Xiao Yuan. The thought was almost too much to bear.* * *The days passed in a blur of grief and preparations. The family decided on a Buddhist funeral for Xiao Yuan, a tradition that held deep meaning for them. It was a way to honor his memory and seek some solace in the rituals and prayers.San Pang and Xiong Da had taken over the preparations, seeing how broken and lost both the siblings were. Their efficient and practical natures took over the burden of the arrangements.Wei Qian tried to do something, but his body felt heavy. He couldn’t see the body or take the belongings of Xiao Yuan.Xiao Lili had taken over sorting his things, putting his books in, folding Xiao Yuan’s clothes in his cupboard as if he would one day come back. The day of the funeral arrived, the air thick with the scent of incense and the sound of monks chanting sutras. The funeral hall was filled with white chrysanthemums, their delicate petals symbolizing mourning and purity. Friends and family gathered, their faces etched with sorrow, each one carrying their own memories of Xiao Yuan.Wei Qian stood at the entrance, greeting the mourners with a heavy heart. Xiao Lili was beside him, her eyes red and swollen from days of crying. San Pang and Xiong Da stood close, their presence a pillar of support for both of them.As the ceremony began, the monks' chants filled the room, their voices rising and falling in a soothing rhythm. The altar was adorned with a large portrait of Xiao Yuan, his smiling face a painful reminder of the joy he had brought into their lives. Offerings of fruit, flowers, and candles surrounded the photograph, each one a token of love and respect.Wei Qian’s mind drifted as he listened to the prayers, his heart aching with every word. He watched as mourners came forward to bow before the altar, their expressions a mix of grief and reverence. He felt disconnected, as if he were watching everything from a distance, the reality of Xiao Yuan’s absence still too much to fully comprehend.When it was time for the family to pay their respects, Wei Qian took a deep breath and approached the altar. He knelt before his brother's portrait, his hands trembling as he lit a stick of incense. The scent filled his nostrils, mingling with the salt of his tears as he bowed his head in prayer.“Xiao Yuan,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “I hope you find peace.”
Peace he couldn’t find with Wei Qian. Peace, he was too scared to give.
Xiao Lili knelt beside him, her sobs quiet but persistent. She placed her hands together in prayer, her eyes closed as she whispered her own farewell. Xiong Da and San Pang followed, their usually steady demeanor cracking as they placed a hand on Wei Qian’s shoulder.The room was filled with the quiet murmur of prayers, each person offering their own thoughts and memories to the one they had lost. The monks continued their chants, their voices a constant, soothing presence in the background.After the prayers, the family moved to the cremation site. The atmosphere was somber, the air thick with unspoken emotions. Wei Qian felt a lump in his throat as he watched the casket being prepared, the finality of it all hitting him like a tidal wave.As the monks chanted blessings over the casket, Wei Qian held Xiao Lili’s hand, drawing strength from her presence. San Pang stood on his other side, a silent guardian as they faced the hardest moment of their lives.When it was time to say their final goodbyes, Wei Qian stepped forward, his heart pounding in his chest. He placed a hand on the casket, his fingers tracing the wood as if trying to hold onto the last tangible connection to his brother.But no words came out. It was the hardest thing to do. To say goodbye. To say goodbye to the one person who stood by him and never demanded anything. To say goodbye to that person who tried to pour out his feelings but Wei Qian had shunned him. To say goodbye to one person who made the Wei family his whole world and they were not there for him. To say goodbye to that one person who was hurting so bad but for Wei Qian’s peace, left the house, the country. Xiao Yuan didn’t even get to die in his own country. But in a remote place, away from civilization. His boy died a cold death, when all Xiao Yuan ever did was give warmth and happiness to others.The very person who was sunshine personified, died a cold, slow death. And Wei Qian didn’t know what to do or say or to make it better. He didn’t know whom to beg or apologise. The worst thing? Wei Qian neglected him and his texts, not knowing that while he slept warmly in his bed, his brother was slipping away.Every thought, every memory felt like a hard punch to the chest. His beautiful boy won’t be coming back. Instead his body laid cold in the casket. Xiao Lili followed, her tears falling freely as she placed a white chrysanthemum on the casket. “I’ll miss you every day,” she said, her voice trembling. “I love you so much.”San Pang placed his own flower, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Rest in peace, my friend,” he said quietly.Xiong Da couldn’t say much, his eyes continuously watering. As the casket was slowly moved into the cremation chamber, Wei Qian felt a surge of pain and love wash over him. The flames flickered to life, and he closed his eyes, offering a silent prayer for his brother’s soul.The ceremony ended, and the family stood together, their grief a shared burden. The monks’ chants faded into the background as they walked away, leaving behind the final physical remnants of Xiao Yuan’s life.Wei Qian stared at the urn that contained Xiao Yuan's remains, feeling lost and uncertain. He didn't know what to do or say, the weight of the loss crushing his chest. Xiao Lili, San Pang, and Xiong Da waited patiently behind him, their eyes filled with understanding and a silent encouragement for him to take the lead.He wanted to say something, to find the right words to honour Xiao Yuan's memory. But his mind was blank, his body frozen in grief. The sight of it sent a wave of fresh pain through him, the reality of Xiao Yuan's absence almost more than he could bear.He reached out slowly, tentative and hesitant, and placed his hand on the cool, smooth surface of the urn. It was the closest he could get now to touching his brother, the last tangible remnant of his presence. He ran his fingers softly over the surface, tracing the curve of the pot, as he fought to keep his emotions in check.He closed his eyes, trying to imagine he could feel a faint trace of Xiao Yuan's warmth, his touch. He could almost hear him speak. Wei Qian slowly opened his eyes, his gaze still on the urn, the silent room oppressive in its stillness.He swallowed past the lump in his throat and slowly turned to face the others. "Let's... let's go home."The family returned home after the funeral, the journey back filled with a heavy silence. Xiao Lili and Wei Qian sat in the back of the car, holding hands. Wei Qian wanted to do something to make Xiao Lili’s pain less but he, himself, struggled.The weight of the day’s events pressed down on them, each lost in their own thoughts and memories of Xiao Yuan. The house felt emptier than ever, the absence of his presence a constant reminder of their loss. Wei Qian had banished Xiao Yuan, but he knew he would come back one day. But now, it was a constant reminder of never having to see Xiao Yuan walking through the door. Night fell, and the house remained quiet, the sounds of the city outside muted by their grief. Wei Qian sat alone in the living room, the soft glow of a lamp casting long shadows on the walls. He stared at the photographs scattered around the room, each one a snapshot of happier times.Xiao Lili emerged from her room, her steps hesitant as she approached Wei Qian. She held a small, worn diary in her hands, the edges frayed from use. “Gē,” she said softly, her voice still tinged with sorrow. “I found this in Xiao Yuan’s belongings that came from America. Maybe you should have it.”Wei Qian looked up, his eyes meeting hers. He could see the pain and uncertainty in her gaze, and he knew she was trying to help in the only way she knew how. Everything in him recoiled from the diary she held out yet he reached out and took the diary, feeling the weight of it in his hands. The cover was simple, unadorned, but it held a significance that made his heart ache.He ran his fingers over the cover of the diary, the smooth texture of it under his fingertips. Every object, every item that belonged to Xiao Yuan now felt like a sharp dagger, a reminder of the bond that had been severed.He cleared his throat and opened the diary, the first pages holding the familiar scrawl of Xiao Yuan's handwriting. He let out a shaky breath, the sight of Xiao Yuan's handwriting a fresh wave of pain and longing. He was so familiar with this script, the way Xiao Yuan had always looped his characters, the subtle quirks and nuances that were unique to him.Wei Qian quickly closed it and looked up at his sad, lost sister. “Thank you, Lili,” he said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. “I... I’m not sure if I’m ready to read it yet.”Xiao Lili nodded, her expression understanding. “Take your time,” she said, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Whenever you’re ready.”The weight of her hand on his shoulder was both comforting and a burden. He felt a wave of guilt for not being able to face the diary yet, but the pain was still too raw.He nodded slowly, his gaze falling back to the diary. "I just... I need a little more time."Xiao Lili patted his shoulder and nodded again, understanding his need for space. "I'll leave you alone then," she said softly, stepping back to give him some privacy. Wei Qian sat there, the diary clutched in his hand, as his sister quietly left the room, leaving him alone with Xiao Yuan's thoughts. He stared at the diary for a long moment, the temptation to open it again almost overwhelming. But the fear of what he might find, the rawness of his emotions, held him back.Instead, he pulled out his phone and opened his messages, scrolling through the conversations, or lack thereof, he had shared with Xiao Yuan. The familiar words brought a bittersweet smile to his face, each text a reminder of their bond, now tainted by the distance he had imposed which led to Xiao Yuan’s demise.He continued scrolling through the messages Xiao Yuan had sent, each one a plea for connection, a desperate attempt to bridge the gap that Wei Qian had created.
Xiao Yuan:
"Hey Gē, how are you? I miss you. Can we talk? I reached my room now."
Xiao Yuan:
"Wei Qian Gē, please respond. I need to talk to you. How is your headache? You better be taking proper precautions"
Xiao Yuan:
"Gē, I aced my exams today. I hope I make you proud"
Xiao Yuan:
"It has been so long since I heard from you. Can I call you today?"
Xiao Yuan:
"I'm sorry if I hurt you. Please, just talk to me."
Xiao Yuan:
"Every day here feels so empty without you. I don't know how to make this better. Did you sleep well? How is work? I hope you are taking food on time."
Xiao Yuan:
"I got an A on my project today. I wish you were here to see it. The USA is so pretty. When you come here, let's cycle like how we used to do"
Xiao Yuan:
"Remember that time we went to the fish and had so lng conversations? I miss those days."
Xiao Yuan:
"Everything feels wrong without you. I don't know how to fix it."
Xiao Yuan:
"Please, Gē. Just one call, one message. I need to hear your voice."
Xiao Yuan:
"Do you remember the time we got lost in the city? We laughed so much. I miss laughing with you."
Xiao Yuan:
"I feel so alone here. I need you."
Xiao Yuan:
"It’s been an year now, away from home. Away from you. People say time fly.. But it dragged for me."
Xiao Yuan:
"Every night I dream about coming home and things being okay again."
Xiao Yuan:
"I don’t know how much longer I can take this silence. It’s killing me."
Xiao Yuan:
"I saw a movie today that reminded me of you. I cried in the theatre."
Xiao Yuan:
"I keep hoping you’ll change your mind and call me back."
Xiao Yuan:
"It’s my birthday, Gē."
Xiao Yuan:
"Every time my phone buzzes, I hope it's you."
Xiao Yuan:
"I am sorry for hurting you, Gē. It wasnt my intention."
Xiao Yuan:
"I'm trying to be strong, but it's so hard without you."
Xiao Yuan:
"I love you, Gē. Please, just talk to me." Wei Qian's hands trembled as he read through the messages, his heart breaking with each one. He had ignored them all, thinking it was for the best, thinking that distance would somehow make things easier. But now, in the cold light of his brother's absence, he realised how wrong he had been.One message stood out, sent just days before the accident apparently:
Xiao Yuan:
"Gē, I know you're upset with me, but I need you to know that I love you. No matter what happens, you'll always be my brother. Please, just talk to me. By the way, I am going for a trek. The university organised it and since I have nothing much to do, I thought I will give it a try. The weather is cold here and I miss the warmth of home. Gē, once I come back from the trek, can I come home?"The words cut through Wei Qian like a knife. He clutched the phone to his chest, his emotions a turbulent mix of regret, sorrow, and love.
Can I come home?
Wei Qian's eyes brimmed with tears as he read the message. The words hit him hard, like a punch to his gut. "Come home..." He whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion into the empty dark home. "Please, come home."But no one came. No one unlocked the door. No one opened the door. No one called out “Gē”.Wei Qian held onto the phone, his knuckles white from the tight grip. As he sat in the quiet of the night, surrounded by the echoes of his brother's words, Wei Qian allowed himself to grieve. He had banished Xiao Yuan, pushed him away when he needed him the most, and now it was too late to make amends.He felt a sudden sharp pang of guilt.
If he had replied to that message, would things have been different? Could he have prevented this outcome?
The thought sent a fresh wave of pain through him, the 'what could I have done' a torture that threatened to drown him in its murky depths.Wei Qian didn’t know what to do. He could feel his body tightening up again as he gripped the edges of the sofa. The same sofa where Xiao Yuan would sit and wait for him. The same spot where he had sat countless times before.Suddenly, the dam holding back his emotions shattered. The loss, the grief, the guilt, hit him with a force that felt like a physical blow. Sharp, bitter tears stung his eyes. But Wei Qian willed them back. He couldn't fall apart, not now. Not when everyone was already so devastated.He took a deep breath and forced himself to stand up, the diary clutched to his chest like a lifeline. He glanced around the room, his gaze lingering on the empty spot on the sofa where his brother had sat. The reality of his absence was a cold, harsh truth that seemed to press down on him from all sides. Xiao Yuan won't be coming home. He won't be sitting here, watching TV with Xiao Lili or wait for Wei Qian to come back homeHe clenched his fists, the diary crumpling slightly under the pressure. He felt a surge of anger, anger at the universe, at fate, for taking Xiao Yuan away from him. He wanted to scream, to punch, to do something, anything to ease the pain. The room seemed to shrink around him, the world closing in as he struggled to comprehend the enormity of his loss.* * *As the days went by, Wei Qian's despair deepened, pulling him into a dark abyss. He found solace at the bottom of a bottle, drowning his sorrows in alcohol each night. The evenings became a blur of numbing drinks, each one a futile attempt to escape the crushing weight of his grief. He would sit in Xiao Yuan's room, re-reading the texts his brother had sent him, his heart aching with every word. The messages now served as a cruel reminder of what he had lost.Sleep became elusive, and when it did come, it was restless and haunted by memories. He often found himself crawling into Xiao Yuan's bed, seeking the lingering scent of his brother on the sheets. The bed was cold and empty, but it was the only place he could feel close to Xiao Yuan.By day, Wei Qian turned to the gym, spending hours boxing, trying to beat the pain out of his system. He would punch the heavy bag until his knuckles were raw, each strike a release of the anger and frustration that boiled inside him. The physical exhaustion was a welcome distraction from the torment of his thoughts. The rhythmic thud of his fists against the bag was a temporary escape, a way to channel his grief into something tangible.His life spiralled further into chaos and pain. His work suffered, his friendships strained, and the vibrant energy that once defined him faded into a shadow of despair. The once-strong pillars of his life crumbled, leaving him to navigate a world that felt increasingly devoid of meaning.San Pang and Xiong Da gave him the berth to breathe but they too felt helpless seeing the way Wei Qian was spiralling downwards. Drowning in his grief. He tried a lot to hold in the hurt, the pain kept seeping through the cracks of his being. Every day was a battle against the relentless tide of grief. He wandered through the house like a ghost, lost in a haze of sorrow. The smallest things—a song on the radio, a familiar scent—would trigger a wave of emotions, overwhelming him with memories of Xiao Yuan.Xiao Lili had left the house, trying to be busy. Taking in ads upon ads. Wei Qian knew that she was trying to keep herself busy, to keep her mind occupied with something, anything, other than the grief. He could see the pain in her eyes, the tightness of her smile when she left. He wanted to reach out to her, to tell her that it was okay to grieve, to scream and yell and break things. But he also knew that she needed her space, just as he did.So he just watched as she left, her arms laden with the burden of her own grief. He knew he couldn't do much to alleviate her pain, just like she couldn't do much to alleviate his. The silence in the house was stifling, a constant reminder of their loss. It was as if the very air held Xiao Yuan's absence, a heavy, tangible thing that weighed them both down. And the world moved on. The earth rotated. The sun came up everyday, set everyday. The city seemed to carry on, oblivious to their loss, indifferent to their grief. People rushed to work, laughed, argued, lived their lives, while Xiao Yuan's life had been snuffed out like a candle in the wind.The unfairness of it all made Wei Qian clench his jaw. The world should have stopped, acknowledged their loss, mourned with them. But it didn't. It just went on, relentless and unforgiving.He closed his eyes, the weight of his loss pressing down on him like a physical force. He would give anything to hear Xiao Yuan's voice one last time, to see his smile, to hold him in his arms. But those were all just memories now, flickering images dancing just out of reach.In the darkest moments, Wei Qian would sit in Xiao Yuan's bed, clutching the pillow and letting the tears fall. The emptiness around him was suffocating, the silence deafening. He yearned for Xiao Yuan's presence, his laughter, his warmth, but all that remained were echoes of a life that had been cruelly cut short.Wei Qian's world had shattered, and as the days turned into weeks, he struggled to find a way to piece it back together. But no matter how hard he tried, the void left by Xiao Yuan's absence was a wound that refused to heal, a constant reminder of the love he had lost and the pain that now defined his existence.The days blurred together, each one a hollow echo of the one before. Wei Qian's mind was a chaotic storm of what-ifs and whys, tormenting him with thoughts of how things could have been different. The alcohol numbed his senses, but it could not dull the ache in his heart.He would wake up each morning with a heavy heart, the familiar ache of loss gnawing at his insides. His days became a monotonous cycle of gym sessions and mindless routines, a desperate attempt to outrun the grief that shadowed his every step. The hours he spent boxing were both a refuge and a torment, the physical pain a temporary balm to the deeper, emotional wounds.It was the same place where he taught Xiao Yuan to defend himself. And Wei Qian couldn't defend him.It was such a night where Wei Qian had lost count of the drinks he had. He was leaning against the wall, his vision blurry, his head spinning from the alcohol. He didn't care how much he drank. He just wanted to numb the pain, the guilt, the overwhelming loss.He was on his fifth — or was it seventh? — drink, the whiskey burning down his throat.The room swayed slightly as he stood, unsteady on his feet carrying with him a new bottle of whiskey, and he made his way to Xiao Yuan's room with a heavy heart and blurred vision. Wei Qian collapsed onto Xiao Yuan's bed, clutching the pillow tightly as if it could somehow bring him closer to the one he had lost. His tears soaked into the fabric, and he whispered broken apologies into the darkness, his voice trembling with the weight of his sorrow.His gaze fell upon the diary that had lain neglected for months, its presence a silent witness to his turmoil. With trembling hands, he picked it up, feeling the weight of the memories and emotions it contained.He opened the diary, the pages slightly crinkled from old tears. The entries began to blur together, but as he squinted through the haze, one particular entry stood out. It was dated shortly after Xiao Yuan had been sent to the USA.
Diary,
I met someone. He saw through my pain and told me to start writing, to have an outlet for the emotions I have bottled inside. Maybe I will give it a go.
I don't know how to start this, but my heart is heavy. I confessed my love to Wei Qian, and it did not go as I had hoped. He looked at me with such shock and disgust, as if I had betrayed him in the worst way. I was sent away, banished to another country, because my feelings were too much for him to bear.
I can understand where my brother is coming from. He hadn't been able to comprehend my liking for boys and then knowing that I liked him must be a shock. But the days that passed when he didnt come home or tried to avoid me.
That hurt more than being sent away.
I miss him every day. I miss his voice, his laughter, the way he would look at me when he thought I wasn't paying attention. But most of all, I miss the way things used to be before I ruined everything. Did I really ruin everything? Lol. Here I am talking to a non-living thing, but you are the closest thing to something I can confess.
It kind of feels lonely alone. The people are different here. The food or language too. It is taking everything in me to not turn around and beg Wei Qian to take me back.
Not that he would. Lol.
Xiao Yuan
Wei Qian's breath caught in his throat as he read the words, his heart thudding painfully against his chest. The words, written in Xiao Yuan's familiar script, were a dagger to his heart. The pain and anguish in them were tangible, like a physical weight pressing down on him.Wei Qian turned another page.
Diary,
It's been weeks, and the pain hasn't lessened. I thought distance would help, that being away from Wei Qian would make it easier. But it's only made it worse. Every night, I lie awake, thinking about what could have been if I had kept my feelings to myself.
Maybe then, I would still be by his side.
I've been trying to find solace in other things, to fill the void that Wei Qian left. But nothing seems to work. I've thrown myself into academics, into work, into hobbies, anything to keep my mind off him.
But every time a moment of silence falls, his face, his voice, his laugh, they all come rushing back to me. What I wouldn't give to hear him say my name again. To feel his touch, his warmth.
Xiao Yuan
The words on the page seemed to taunt Wei Qian, a stark reminder of his own failure.He had been so blind, so caught up in his own fear and confusion that he had failed to see the pain he was causing Xiao Yuan. The pain, the desperation, the love that Xiao Yuan felt for him, it was all there on the page. And here he was, drowning in alcohol and grief, while Xiao Yuan was feeling like this, alone in a foreign country.His eyes stung with unshed tears as he read. He could picture Xiao Yuan writing these words, alone in his room, the pain of his exile a constant presence. He could picture him sitting at a desk, pen in hand, pouring out his heart onto the paper.
Diary,
The days blur together, each one a monochrome canvas of longing. I find myself retracing our last conversation, dissecting every word, every nuance. Wei Qian’s smile—the one that eluded me—has become an ache etched into my bones. I imagine him walking beside me, our fingers brushing, warmth passing between us like a secret.
Today was particularly hard. I saw a couple walking down the street, hand in hand, so happy and in love. It reminded me of what I can never have. Wei Qian's face haunted my dreams last night. In my dreams, he smiled at me, not with the coldness of our last encounter, but with warmth and acceptance. I woke up in tears, knowing that such a smile is something I will never see in reality.
The weight of longing settled upon me like a shroud. The couple’s laughter echoed in my ears, a symphony of happiness that I could only observe from the sidelines. Perhaps this yearning is my penance, a cosmic debt I must repay. And so, I write these words, ink bleeding onto paper, hoping they’ll carry my pain away.
I just miss you, Wei Qian.
Xiao Yuan
As he read the words, a fresh wave of pain washed over Wei Qian. The image of Xiao Yuan, seeing a happy couple and longing for something he could never have, was too much to bear. The thought that he had been cold, distant, in their last encounter gnawed at him.
Dear Diary,
I tried calling Wei Qian today. I don't know why I thought he might answer. My heart raced with hope when I heard the ringing, but it went straight to voicemail. I left a message, but I doubt he'll listen. It's been so long since we've talked, and I feel like I'm losing a part of myself every day we spend apart.
I just want to hear his voice, to know he's okay, to tell him that I still love him, even if he can't love me back. Maybe I shouldn't tell him I love him. Lol.
I talk to Xiao Lili alot. She says Gē is busy, always working hard. Or drinking at night. It worries me but she said she did everything to make him stop. But their stubborn brother wont.
Maybe if I can get him to talk to me, he may stop. ‘Maybe’ it's such a wistful word, yeah? I yearn for his voice, its timbre etched in my soul. To hear him say my name, even in passing, would be a balm for my fractured heart. But love, unrequited, is a cruel companion.
So, I’ll keep writing these letters to you, Diary. Pouring my emotions onto paper, hoping they’ll find solace in ink. Perhaps one day, Wei Qian will stumble upon these words, and the universe will conspire to bridge our silence.
Until then, I’ll carry this ache—the weight of love unspoken—like a secret treasure hidden within me.
Yours faithfully,
Heartbroken.
When he finished the diary entry, the final line - "Yours faithfully, Heartbroken." - left him reeling. The weight of love unspoken, the aching secret that Xiao Yuan was carrying, it was a burden that should never have been his.
Dear Diary,
I saw Wei Qian's new profile picture today. He looks happy, or at least he's trying to. It hurts to see him living on, but it's what I wanted, isn't it? For him to be free of the burden of my love? I keep telling myself that, but it doesn't make the pain any less. I still dream of him every night, still yearn for the warmth of his embrace. I wish he knew how much I still love him, how much I always will.
Every smile of his that I see on social media feels like a dagger to my heart. I remember the days when those smiles were meant for me, when his laughter was the sweetest sound in my world. Now, I'm just a ghost in his past, a memory he's trying to forget.
I lie awake at night, replaying our moments together. They haunt me, filling my nights with a bittersweet agony. The thought of his touch still sends shivers down my spine, and the echo of his voice lingers in my mind like a melody I can't forget.
Sometimes, I wonder if he ever thinks of me, if he ever misses the way we were. Does he ever feel a pang of regret, a hint of longing? Or has he truly moved on, leaving me to wallow in this sea of unending heartache?
I wish I could tell him how much I miss him, how empty my life feels without him. But I know it's too late. The distance between us isn't just physical; it's a chasm that my love alone can't bridge. So I keep my feelings locked away, buried deep within my heart, hoping that one day, the pain will fade, and I'll find a way to move on, just like he has.
Until then, I'll keep writing, pouring my heart out on these pages, the only place where I can still be honest about my love for Wei Qian.
Forever lonely,
Xiao Yuan
Diary,
Today marks one year since Wei Qian sent me away. A year of silence, of unanswered messages and unreturned calls. A year of pretending I'm okay when I'm not.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. The thought of never seeing him again, of never hearing his voice, is too much to bear.
I love him so much it hurts, and I don't know how to stop. I don't think I ever will.
This past year has felt like an eternity. Every day without him is a struggle, a constant battle against the memories that threaten to overwhelm me. I see his face everywhere I go, hear his voice in the whispers of the wind. The emptiness he left behind is suffocating, a void that nothing and no one can fill.
I try to keep busy, to distract myself with work and friends, but it's all just a façade. Inside, I'm crumbling. I find myself reaching for my phone, wanting to call him, to hear his voice just once more. But I know I can't. He made his choice, and I have to respect that, even if it breaks me.
Sometimes I wonder what he's doing, if he's happy. Has he found someone new? Does he ever think about me? The questions torment me, but I know I'll never have the answers. He didn’t want me in his house and I have to find a way to accept it, even though it feels impossible.
Even though home is the only thing I yearn so much.
Nights are the hardest. When the world is quiet and I'm alone with my thoughts, the pain becomes unbearable. I lie awake, staring at the ceiling, tears streaming down my face as I replay our last moments together. The way he looked at me, the sound of his voice as he told me to leave—it haunts me.
I can't let go of the hope that one day, he might come back to me. Maybe, just maybe, he'll realise that he made a mistake. But deep down, I know I have to let go of that hope if I ever want to heal.
For now, I'll keep writing, pouring my heart out on these pages. It's the only way I know to cope, to survive. And maybe, one day, the pain will lessen. Maybe one day, I'll find a way to live without him. But until that day comes, I'll hold on to the memories, the love, and the heartbreak. Because even though it hurts, it's all I have left of him.
Xiao Yuan
Diary
Yesterday was my birthday. I spent it alone, as I have every day since I came here. I thought maybe Wei Qian would call, but he didn't. I waited all day, hoping for a message, a sign that he still cares. But there was nothing. The silence was a knife to my heart. I ended up crying myself to sleep, wishing for the one thing I can't have: Wei Qian's love.
As I sat alone, memories of a happier birthday flooded my mind. I remember that special day when San Pang, Xiao Lili, and Wei Qian celebrated with me. Their laughter, the warmth of their presence, and the genuine happiness we shared seemed like a lifetime ago. We had gathered around the small table, decorated with colourful balloons and streamers, and the aroma of the tiny vanilla cake filled the room.
Xiao Lili had put so much effort into making everything perfect, her artistic touch evident in every detail. San Pang's boisterous voice still echoes in my mind, calling me "lazy birthday boy" and wrapping me in his bear-like embrace. And Wei Qian, with that rare smile of his, had made my day unforgettable. He had gifted me a beautiful leather wallet, something I still cherish, even though it now feels like a relic of a time long past.
The wallet was simple yet elegant, a deep brown with intricate stitching. It wasn’t just a gift; it was a symbol of his thoughtfulness, his attention to what I needed and wanted. Every time I use it, I can't help but run my fingers over the smooth leather, remembering the way his eyes sparkled as he handed it to me. "Happy birthday, Zhiyuan," he had said, his voice soft and filled with a warmth that made my heart soar.
But now, those memories are like salt in a wound. They remind me of the love I've lost, of the distance that has grown between us. I miss the way Wei Qian used to look at me, the way his presence could light up the darkest days. Now, his absence casts a long shadow over my life, leaving me cold and empty.
I spent the day trying to distract myself, but nothing could fill the void. I went for a walk, bought myself a small cake, and even tried to celebrate in my own quiet way. But it all felt hollow. The silence was deafening, a constant reminder that I am alone.
Xiao Lili had messaged me, inquiring what I did for my birthday. I lied, obviously. No one here knows much about me and I prefer to keep it that way.
As night fell, the loneliness became unbearable. I sat by the window, clutching the wallet, tears streaming down my face. I whispered a birthday wish, though I knew it was hopeless. I wished for Wei Qian's love, for his presence, for the warmth and joy he once brought into my life. I wish for me to come back home.
I cried myself to sleep, my heart heavy with sorrow. I dreamed of that happier birthday, of San Pang's laughter, Xiao Lili's hugs, and Wei Qian's smile. And tomorrow, I will wake up to another day of pretending, of surviving. Because even though my heart is shattered, I have to keep going. For the memories, for the love that still lingers in the shadows of my soul.
Your birthday boy,
Xiao Yuan
The words hit him with the force of a freight train. The image of Xiao Yuan, alone in his room, crying himself to sleep, haunted by the memory of a happier time, a time that Wei Qian had ruined. He could almost hear Xiao Yuan's voice, whispering the last line, "Your birthday boy, Xiao Yuan."Wei Qian's fingers gripped the diary tighter, the pages crumpling beneath his grasp. The urge to throw the diary away, to destroy the evidence of his failure, was strong. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. These pages, painful as they were, held a piece of Xiao Yuan's suffering and love.
Dear Diary,
I dreamed about Wei Qian again last night. In my dream, he was smiling at me, holding my hand, telling me that everything would be okay. It felt so real, so comforting. But then I woke up, and the reality of my situation hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that the dream was just that—a dream. And in reality, Wei Qian is a world away, living his life without me. The thought is unbearable.
The dream was so vivid, it was as if Wei Qian was right there beside me. I could feel the warmth of his hand in mine, hear the soothing cadence of his voice. For a few fleeting moments, I was enveloped in a cocoon of safety and love, the pain and loneliness melting away. We were back in those happier times, when his smile could light up my world and his touch was all I needed to feel complete.
But then I woke up, and the cold light of morning shattered the illusion. The emptiness in my bed, the silence in my room—it all came rushing back, a stark reminder of my solitude. The weight of reality pressed down on me, making it hard to breathe. Wei Qian isn't here, and he hasn't been for a long time. He's somewhere else, far away, living his life as if I never existed.
Xiao Yuan
Diary Dearest,
I don't know how much longer I can do this. The loneliness is eating me alive. Every day feels like a struggle, a battle against the pain that threatens to consume me. I miss Wei Qian so much it hurts. I miss his voice, his laughter, his presence. I just want to go home, to see him, to tell him that I love him. But I know that's not possible. And it breaks my heart.
Xiao Yuan
He picked up the discarded whiskey bottle and took another swig of the alcohol doing little to numb the pain in his heart. The words from the diary echoed in his mind, a haunting reminder of love and loss.Wei Qian was tempted to stop reading the diary, to put it away and bury his emotions once again.But something kept him going, a morbid curiosity, a need to know more, to understand just how much pain Xiao Yuan was in.
Diary
I suffer from a love Wei Qian was too scared to give. Lol.
Xiao Yuan
Wei Qian’s hands trembled reading those words as his vision blurred. Unshed tears burned his eyes, his breaths came in shallow, rapid gasps, the room feeling suddenly too small, too suffocating. A wave of nausea hit him, and he shut the diary, trying to calm his racing heart. The room spun around him, the world outside seemingly silent compared to the roar of his own thoughts.He stumbled to the bathroom, feeling like he might vomit. He gripped the sink, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He didn't recognize the man looking back at him, the tortured expression, the tears streaming down his face. His hands trembled as he splashed cold water on his face, trying to wake himself up from this nightmare. The diary entries, Xiao Yuan's pain and heartbreak, it all felt too real, too much to bear.Wei Qian couldnt handle it as he felt his stomach give a powerful lurch and he stumbled to the commode. He retched into it, bile and alcohol burning his throat. His eyes stung with tears, tears he had refused to shed for so long. The pain, the guilt, the realization of his cowardice, it all welled up within him, and he was powerless to stop it.A sob escaped him, a guttural sound that seemed to come from the depths of his soul.He lost Xiao Yuan. He lost the love of his life.His body shook, tears streaming down his face as he sat there, the overwhelming flood of emotions finally releasing. The sobs wracked his body, the sound echoing painfully in the empty bathroom. The pain, the guilt, the regret, it all washed over him and he was powerless to stop it. He felt like he was drowning in his own emotions.Each sob seemed to tear a piece of him away. The realisation of what he had lost, the love he had pushed away, hit him with the force of a freight train. The reality of his feelings slammed into him like a ton of bricks. He had been in love with Xiao Yuan but was too afraid of society. Too afraid and confused to ever voice such feelings let alone accept them. But it was too late now. Xiao Yuan was gone, and he was left alone with the painful truth of his own fears and stupidity.Wei Qian had let his fears control him, and had let them take him away from Xiao Yuan. And now, the absence of Xiao Yuan's presence was like a gaping void in his life. He ached for him, a physical pain that seemed to settle in his heart and refuse to leave.He couldn't contain it anymore. A raw, guttural wail escaped him, a sound of pure agony and despair. The realisation of what he had lost, the love he had pushed away, it was too much to bear. He fell forward, his forehead pressing against the cold tile of the bathroom floor, his body wracked with sobs.The loneliness, the emptiness, it was almost too much to bear. Without Xiao Yuan, everything seemed colourless, devoid of meaning. He had pushed away the person who had brought light and joy into his life, and now he was left in the dark, the shadows closing in around him.Wei Qian pounded his fists against the floor, a release of frustration and anger, but it did little to lessen the pain. He was lost, drowning in his own misery and heartbreak, with no lifeline to cling to.He felt like a part of him had died, like Xiao Yuan had taken a piece of his soul with him when he walked away. The silence in the house, the absence of Xiao Yuan's laughter and presence, only served to amplify the hollowness in his heart. He wanted to reach out, to beg for forgiveness, to tell Xiao Yuan how much he loved him, how he couldn't bear his absence. But the words stuck in his throat, the weight of his regret and guilt too heavy to speak. He was trapped in his own hell, a hell of his own making. The realisation of his own stupidity, the pain of his loss, it was like a never-ending nightmare from which he couldn't wake up.He thought he had been scared of being with Xiao Yuan, of the feelings and emotions that love brought. But now, lying on the cold floor of the bathroom, his heart broken and tears streaming down his face, he realised he was more afraid of losing him than of loving him."Come back, Xiao Yuan," he whispered, drunkenly. The words escaped his lips in a quiet, desperate plea. "Come back to me. I need you. I love you."The words hung in the air, heavy with longing and regret. He repeated them, each time more desperately than the last, the sound of his own voice a stark contrast to the silence. The reality of his situation sunk in, the realisation that Xiao Yuan was gone and likely wouldn't be coming back. Wei Qian pulled at his hair hard with both hands, trying to stop the pain. But the pain was real. The ache in his chest, the tightness in his throat, the burning tears in his eyes. This was real.Xiao Yuan was really dead. Gone. No longer a part of this world.No longer a part of his world.Picking himself up in his drunken stupour. He stumbled to his feet, his movements clumsy and uncoordinated. The alcohol in his system only heightened the disorientation, making the world spin around him. Wei Qian leaned against the sink, his hands gripping the edge, his breaths coming in ragged gasps. His eyes flicked to the mirror, and the sight of himself nearly made him vomit againHis face was pale, his eyes red and puffy from crying. He looked like a madman, his hair disheveled, his clothes wrinkled and damp. Was there vomit on his shirt? He didnt care.Wei Qian stumbled out of the bathroom, a wave of nausea hitting him as he made his way back to Xiao Yuan’s room, clutching at anything he could reach to keep himself upright. He stumbled to the chair, Xiao Yuan used to sit on it many times, studying or reading, collapsing on it with an ungainly thump. The thought brought in a fresh wave of tears streamed down his face, dropping onto his shirt and mixing with the sweat, creating dark patches on the fabric. The alcohol was making everything blur together, his thoughts spinning and careening in his head like a runaway train.He felt like he was drowning, his emotions overwhelming him. Guilt, heartache, despair – they all threatened to pull him under, to drag him down into the abyss.Wei Qian reached forward and picked up the diary. He flipped it to the last entry.
Dearest Diary,
I haven't been writing so frequently. But I promise I will. I just didnt have much to say except my tears and pain. And personally, even I got tired writing about it. Anyway, today marks two years since Wei Qian sent me away. Two years of silence, of heartache, of pretending I'm okay when I'm falling apart inside. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. The thought of never seeing him again, of never hearing his voice, is too much to bear. I love him so much it hurts, and I don't know how to stop. I don't think I ever will.
The weight of these past two years is crushing. Each day feels like a battle, a constant struggle against the waves of despair that threaten to pull me under. I've tried to move forward, to find joy in the little things, but every step forward feels like I'm dragging a part of my heart through the mud.
Despite this, I'm trying to do something different today. I've decided to go on a trek. It feels like a small act of defiance against the sadness that has consumed me. Maybe immersing myself in nature, feeling the earth beneath my feet and the wind in my hair, will bring a semblance of peace. It’s something new, something I haven't done before, and it’s a step towards living rather than just existing.
I plan to take many pictures along the way, capturing the beauty of the journey. I want to show them to Wei Qian someday, to let him see that even in my brokenness, I found moments of beauty and strength. Maybe it’s a foolish hope, but it’s all I have right now. The thought of sharing these glimpses of my life with him gives me a small spark of purpose.
As I prepare for this trek, I can't help but wonder if Wei Qian would be proud of me for trying something new, for stepping out of my comfort zone. I imagine his smile, his words of encouragement, and it gives me a tiny bit of strength. It's ironic, isn't it? The very person whose absence is causing me so much pain is also the one who inspires me to keep going.
So today, I will put on my hiking boots, pack my bag, and set out on this trek. I will breathe in the fresh air, take in the scenery, and try to find a moment of solace in the midst of my turmoil. And as I walk, I will carry Wei Qian in my heart, his presence guiding my steps even though he's not physically here with me.
This trek is for me, a small act of healing. But it's also for him, a way to show that my love for him continues to give me strength, even in the darkest of times. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to share these pictures with him and tell him about this journey.
And I have also decided that after the trek completes, I will go home. I have asked Wei Qian about it but as usual my brother refused to answer or respond. Lol.
But I’ve come to understand that I can’t let fear dictate my actions. I will still go home, not to force my presence upon him, but to find closure and start healing. I need to be where my heart belongs, even if it means facing the pain head-on.
In the end, I have to do this for myself. I need to confront my feelings, to see Wei Qian one last time, and to let him know how much he means to me. Whether he accepts me back or not, I will find the strength to move forward. I owe it to myself to try, to fight for my own happiness.
Until then, I will keep moving forward, one step at a time, carrying the hope that someday, somehow, things will get better.
Be back soon,
Xiao Yuan.
Wei Qian felt a pang in his chest as he read the last line. Xiao Yuan's last words before he left. A goodbye, a promise, but also a sense of finality. He had let Xiao Yuan slip through his fingers, had let his fear and insecurity drive a wedge between them. And now, it was too late to fix things.He felt something deep inside him snap. A primal scream, a guttural, anguished sound that came from the very depths of his soul. The scream tore from his throat, a raw, emotional howl that echoed through the apartment, shaking the very foundations of his existence. He clutched at his chest, the pain too much to bear. The loss, the grief, the guilt and regret – it was all too much.The scream seemed to go on forever. It rose and fell, a rollercoaster of sound, each wave of it more intense and unhinged than the last. Wei Qian was dimly aware of the tears streaming down his face, the way his body shook with grief and despair. But the scream continued, a release for the pain that was consuming him from within.In some distant, rational part of his mind, he knew he looked like a madman. The scream, the tears, the way his body convulsed – he was the picture of despair, a broken man at the end of his rope. But in that moment, he didn't care. The pain was too great, the grief too profound to worry about appearances.He fell to the floor, his body giving out beneath him, tears streaming down his face, the alcohol in his system still making everything blurry and disjointed. He lay there on the cold floor, his body shuddering with sobs, the pain and the grief and the despair washing over him like a tidal wave.Wei Qian barely recognised the taste of iron bitter and sharp against his tongue. The realization that his despair was manifesting in a physical way was both surprising and frightening. The sight of the blood intensified his despair, a tangible, visible manifestation of the emotional turmoil he was experiencing. The world spun around him, the pain, blood and despair combining with the exhaustion and the alcohol to make his head spin. He felt a wave of nausea wash over him, and then everything went black. He collapsed unconscious, his body slumped on the floor, the pain and the grief and the regret all still echoing through his mind even in the depths of unconsciousness. * * *Wei Qian slowly opened his eyes, his vision blurred by the harsh fluorescent lights above. He blinked several times, trying to clear his vision and make sense of his surroundings. The sterile, antiseptic smell of the hospital filled his nostrils, a stark contrast to the alcohol and blood that had clouded his senses before.He tried to sit up, but a sharp pain shot through his head and chest, forcing him back down onto the bed. He groaned softly, his throat dry and scratchy. As his vision cleared, he saw the IV drip attached to his arm and the monitor beeping steadily beside him. The rhythmic sound was almost comforting, a steady reminder that he was still alive."Doctor!" Somewhere beside him, Xiao Lili called out, rushing to the bedside. Dr. Lin hurried in, his calm professionalism masking the flicker of hope in his eyes.Wei Qian wanted to shoo away the light in his eyes but had no energy to move. As he lay there, the nurse noticed a slight movement."He's showing signs of responsiveness," she said, pointing to the subtle movements.Dr. Lin leaned over Wei Qian, checking his vitals and observing the minute changes in his condition. "Wei Qian," he said firmly, "if you can hear me, we're here with you. Your friends are here, waiting for you to wake up. Take your time, but know that we're all rooting for you."Xiao Lili squeezed Wei Qian's hand tightly. "Wei Qian, please," she whispered, her voice filled with hope and desperation.Summoning every bit of strength he had left, Wei Qian tried to speak. "I... am up," he managed to croak out, his voice barely audible. He lifted his hand, the effort almost too much for him.Xiao Lili's eyes widened, tears of relief and joy streaming down her face. "He's awake!" she exclaimed, her voice trembling with emotion. She leaned closer, her grip on his hand firm yet gentle. "Wei Qian, you're back. Thank you, thank you for coming back to us.""Lili?" he murmured, his voice still weak. "How... how long have I been here?"Xiao Lili's face softened, and she exchanged a quick glance with Dr. Lin before answering. "Wei Qian, you've been here for two weeks," she said gently. "We were so worried about you.""Two weeks?" Wei Qian's brow furrowed in confusion. "It... it feels like just a day."Dr. Lin stepped closer, his expression calm and reassuring. "It's normal to feel disoriented after being unconscious for so long. Your body needed time to heal, and now that you're awake, we can focus on helping you recover fully."Dr. Lin leaned closer, his eyes scrutinizing Wei Qian intently, searching for any sign of the devastating brain damage that could have occurred. He took Wei Qian's vital signs, his touch gentle but thorough, his professional demeanor still present despite the glimmer of hope."Wei Qian," he said, his voice controlled but warm, "Your vital signs are stable, but we need to run some tests to assess your cognitive functions. Can you move your fingers for me?”Wei Qian concentrated, the effort to move his fingers immense. But one by one, they obeyed his command, flexing and unclenching in a slow, deliberate motion. However, Wei Qian's mind raced, trying to comprehend the passage of time. The last thing he remembered was the overwhelming grief and the cold floor. Now, weeks had gone by, and he was surrounded by medical equipment and concerned faces."Why... why did I...?" His voice trailed off as the memories began to resurface—Xiao Yuan, the unbearable pain, the alcohol. He closed his eyes, a wave of sorrow washing over him.It all came back in disjointed fragments. The unbearable pain of losing Xiao Yuan, the suffocating guilt, and the regret that gnawed at his soul. He had tried to escape it all by drowning himself in alcohol. The temporary numbness was a fragile shield against the relentless onslaught of his emotions. But that night, it had all become too much. He had found himself alone, surrounded by memories and reminders of Xiao Yuan. The sorrow had been unbearable.He had drunk more heavily than usual, hoping the alcohol would provide a reprieve. Instead, it compounded his exhaustion and grief. He remembered the cold floor against his skin, the bitter taste of blood in his mouth, and the room spinning around him. The pain, both physical and emotional, had become overwhelming. The last thing he remembered was a wave of nausea before everything went black.Xiao Lili squeezed his hand tighter, her eyes filled with tears. "Wei Qian, it's okay. We're here now. You don't have to go through this alone. Not again. I am sorry for leaving you alone. I was struggling with my own grief."San Pang, standing by the door, added, "We've got you, buddy. Take your time. We'll get through this together."Dr. Lin chimed in, his voice professional but kind. "What's the last thing you remember?"Wei Qian was silent for a moment, his mind struggling to piece together the fragmented memories. "I... I remember... Xiao Yuan," he finally said, his voice weak. "I remember him... and the pain."“You just need to rest now. And no drinking,” Dr. Lin nodded, then sternly ordered as he scribbled something on the notepad. He then nodded at the nurse, and both walked out of the room, leaving Wei Qian with his friends.The room fell into a gentle silence, the steady beeping of the monitor the only sound. Wei Qian's eyes drifted to the window, where the sunlight streamed in, casting a warm glow on the sterile surroundings. It felt surreal to be there, caught between the lingering haze of his memories and the sharp clarity of the present.Xiao Lili brushed a strand of hair from his forehead, her touch gentle and reassuring. "We'll be here as long as you need us," she said softly. "You don't have to face this alone."Wei Qian took a deep, shaky breath, trying to steady himself. The pain was still there, a heavy weight on his chest, but the presence of his friends made it a little more bearable."Thank you," he whispered, his voice barely audible. San Pang stepped closer, his expression serious yet filled with warmth. "You're family, Wei Qian. We take care of each other. Always."As the afternoon turned into evening, Xiao Lili and San Pang reluctantly decided to leave, promising to return the next day. Xiao Lili leaned in, giving Wei Qian a gentle hug. "We'll be back first thing in the morning. Get some rest, okay?" she said, her voice filled with warmth and concern.San Pang patted Wei Qian's shoulder, his touch firm and reassuring. "Hang in there, man. We'll get through this together," he added before following Xiao Lili out of the room.Wei Qian watched them leave, the door closing softly behind them. The room fell silent, the only sound the steady beep of the monitor and the faint hum of the hospital. He lay there, staring at the ceiling, the weight of solitude pressing down on him.Night descended slowly, the hospital's usual bustle quieting to a hushed stillness. The dim light from the hallway cast long shadows across the room, adding to the sense of isolation. Wei Qian's mind drifted, the events of the past few weeks replaying in his thoughts like a relentless loop.The memories of Xiao Yuan were the hardest to bear. He could still see his face, hear his voice, and feel the warmth of his presence. The grief was a constant ache, a reminder of the void left in his heart. He turned his head to the side, staring at the empty chair where Xiao Lili had sat earlier. The loneliness was suffocating.He closed his eyes, hoping to find some respite in sleep, but his mind refused to quiet down. As the hours passed, the darkness deepened, and Wei Qian found himself lost in a sea of despair. The quiet of the night amplified his thoughts, making the pain feel even more intense. He felt the familiar sting of tears welling up, but he didn't have the energy to wipe them away. Lying there in the darkness, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, he felt a sudden, inexplicable chill. It started as a faint breeze, almost imperceptible at first, but then it grew stronger. It was a cool, gentle sensation, like the softest touch of a feather against his skin. He shivered, the cold tendrils brushing his forehead, making his breath catch.Confusion mingled with the remnants of his sorrow. He wasn't sure if it was real or just a figment of his exhausted mind. The cool touch was oddly comforting, a stark contrast to the heat of his tears and the burning ache in his chest. It felt familiar, almost like a gentle caress from someone he had lost.Wei Qian's eyes fluttered closed, surrendering to the sensation. The cool tendrils seemed to wrap around him, cradling his head and brushing against his cheeks. It felt as if someone was there with him, someone who understood his pain and was offering solace.Suddenly, the air in the room shifted. A faint glow began to form at the foot of his bed, growing brighter, swirling and more defined.Wei Qian's eyes widened as he saw the ethereal figure of Xiao Yuan slowly descending, his form shimmering with a soft, otherworldly light. The sight was both heart-wrenching and comforting. There was Xiao Yuan, the love of his life, standing before him in a state he could barely comprehend.Xiao Yuan's eyes were filled with a tenderness and sorrow that mirrored Wei Qian's own."Xiao Yuan," he whispered, his voice barely audible, a hoarse whisper. "Is it... is it really you?"Xiao Yuan nodded, his form rippling with each movement. "Yes, it's me." His voice echoed as if coming from a distance, yet it was achingly familiar, as if whispering directly into his ears. He moved closer, his presence filling the room with a comforting warmth that contrasted with the chill that had first touched Wei Qian. Wei Qian's eyes filled with tears as he reached out a trembling hand. "I... I miss you so much," he choked out. "I couldn't handle losing you."Xiao Yuan’s hand reached out to cover Wei Qian's. Though it felt cool, it also brought an inexplicable sense of peace. Even in its ethereal form, it sent a shiver down Wei Qian's spine. It was strange, feeling something so physical yet being reminded it was just an illusion."I know," Xiao Yuan said softly, his voice a soothing balm. "But I'm here, even if it's just in this form. I'm watching over you. I always will.""But... how?" Wei Qian questioned, his eyes locked with Xiao Yuan's spectral gaze. "How is this possible? Why are you back?"Xiao Yuan smiled slightly, his form shifting and glowing brighter for a moment. "Because you called for me. Your emotions, your pain, your longing – it drew me back. But you have to live. You.. you cant waste away”Wei Qian's heart ached, the pain of loss mingling with the joy of seeing Xiao Yuan again. "I don't know how," he admitted, his voice barely a whisper. "Everything feels so empty without you. I tried to be strong. But I was weak. I was always weak."Xiao Yuan's form flickered, as if struggling to maintain its presence. His eyes grew more intense, filled with urgency. "You're not alone, Wei Qian," he said, his voice wavering. "Xiao Lili, San Pang, and so many others care about you. They need you. And even though I'm not there physically, my love for you remains. It will always be with you"Wei Qian closed his eyes, letting the tears flow freely. The touch of Xiao Yuan's hand, though ethereal, felt real enough to hold onto. "I don't know if I can do it," he said, his voice breaking. “It hurts so much without you.""Listen to me, Gē. You can," Xiao Yuan said firmly, though his form shimmered and wavered. "Take it one day at a time. Lean on your friends. Remember the love I have, and let it be your strength. I will wait for you at the end of the light"Xiao Yuan's glow flickered, his voice growing fainter. He seemed to struggle to speak, as if the effort to remain was freezing time around them. "I... I believe in you, Wei Qian," he whispered, his voice barely audible. "Promise me... promise me you'll try?"Wei Qian nodded, his heart heavy but filled with a newfound resolve. "I promise," he whispered.“Good.. I will meet you at the end of the light, Gē”Xiao Yuan's form continued to fade, his smile the last thing to disappear. The room returned to its previous dimness, but Wei Qian felt a warmth in his chest, a lingering presence of the one he loved as his eyes linger on the spot where Xiao Yuan had been. The words of his soul echoed in his thoughts, replaying in his mind like a broken record. But there was something else there too. A warmth in his chest, a sense of peace he hadn't felt in so long. It was like Xiao Yuan's presence was still there, watching over him, encouraging him to keep going.The promise he had made felt like a lifeline, something to hold onto in the darkest of times. He knew it wouldn't be easy, that the road ahead would be long and fraught with obstacles.But he also knew that he had to try.For Xiao Yuan, for himself, and for the future he hoped to build.* * *As time passed, Wei Qian found himself slowly healing. The pain of Xiao Yuan’s loss never completely went away, but it became a part of him, a testament to the love they had shared. He learned to live with it, to find moments of joy and peace despite the sorrow.Years went by, and Wei Qian watched as life continued to unfold around him. He saw Xiao Lili and San Pang grow closer, their love blossoming into something beautiful. He was there when San Pang proposed to Xiao Lili, the joy on their faces a beacon of hope in his own journey.Although part of him ached watching their happiness and knowing that he could no longer share that kind of joy with Xiao Yuan, he could not help but feel a sense of contentment.Seeing Xiao Lili and San Pang's love continue gave him hope that love could triumph even amidst loss. It was a reminder that life continued, that the world did not stop despite the pain he had faced.The wedding was a celebration of love and new beginnings. Wei Qian stood by San Pang's side as his best man, his heart filled with pride and happiness for his friends. As he watched Xiao Lili walk down the aisle, her eyes shining with tears of joy, he felt Xiao Yuan's presence beside him, a silent witness to the love that continued to grow around them.It pained him that he couldn’t give this to his man. But a part of him knew Xiao Yuan would understand.As the years passed, Wei Qian lived a life marked by resilience, love, and the quiet strength that came from honoring the promise he had made to Xiao Yuan. He watched Xiao Lili and San Pang build a beautiful life together, their happiness a testament to the enduring power of love. He found solace in his work, in the friendships that sustained him, and in the small moments of joy that punctuated his days.Every so often, he would find himself thinking of Xiao Yuan. The memories they shared would come back to him in fragments, like fleeting glimpses of a past life. They would make him smile, sometimes even laugh, but they would also make him cry. The tears were a reminder of what he had lost, but also of how deeply they had loved each other.Years turned into decades, and Wei Qian continued to live his life with purpose and determination. He found solace in his work, in his friendships, and in the small moments of happiness that punctuated his days. He cherished the memories of Xiao Yuan, carrying them with him as a source of strength and inspiration.He watched the world around him change, the years blurring into each other like the soft strokes of a painter's brush. Yet through it all, the memory of Xiao Yuan remained clear, a constant reminder of what he had lost and what he was living for.Now, in his twilight years, Wei Qian often found himself reflecting on his journey. He had lived a full life, one filled with both sorrow and joy. He had honored Xiao Yuan’s memory by living, by finding a way to heal, and by being there for those he loved. Yet, a part of him always longed for the day when he would be reunited with his beloved.He didnt find anyone who could take Xiao Yuan’s place and he never searched. Though his side of his bed remained empty and cold,the promise to meet Xiao Yuan kept him warm. Their memories were enough. One peaceful evening, as Wei Qian sat in his garden watching the sun set in a blaze of colors, he felt an inexplicable sense of calm wash over him. The cool breeze caressed his face, and he closed his eyes, a faint smile touching his lips as he allowed himself to be carried away by memories.In that serene moment, he felt a familiar chill, different from the evening air. It was a cool, gentle touch, like the softest caress of a feather against his skin. He opened his eyes slowly, his breath catching in his throat.Standing before him, bathed in an ethereal glow, was Xiao Yuan. His form shimmered with a soft, otherworldly light, his eyes filled with the same tenderness and sorrow that had marked their last meeting. Time seemed to freeze around them, the world growing quiet and still."Xiao Yuan?" Wei Qian whispered, his voice trembling with emotion. "Is it really you?"Wei Qian was torn between disbelief and hope. If this was his imagination or some illusion, he didn't care. Seeing Xiao Yuan again, even in this form, brought a rush of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him.His man stood infront of him. Still so young. Still so ethereal. Xiao Yuan didnt seem to age a bit.Xiao Yuan nodded, his gentle smile the same as Wei Qian remembered. "Yes, Wei Qian. It's me. I've come to see you."Wei Qian's eyes filled with tears as he reached out a trembling hand. "I’ve missed you so much," he choked out. "I’ve tried to live as you wanted, but I’ve always longed for you."Xiao Yuan knelt beside him, his hand reaching out to cover Wei Qian's. Though it felt cool, it also brought an inexplicable sense of peace. "I know," he said softly. "And you've lived a good life. You kept your promise, Wei Qian. You honored our love in the most beautiful way."Wei Qian's heart ached with a mixture of joy and sorrow. "It was hard, so hard" he admitted, his voice barely a whisper. "But I did it for you, for us."Xiao Yuan's gaze was steady and filled with love. "It's time now," he said gently. "Time for us to be together again. You've earned your rest."“I got so old.” Wei Qian chuckled, softly aware of his wrinkled, old skin and white hair. “Sorry”“You have never looked so beautiful to me”Wei Qian closed his eyes, a single tear escaping down his cheek. The years of longing and perseverance seemed to melt away, leaving only the profound love he had always carried in his heart. "I've waited so long for you," he whispered. “You wont leave me?”"I never left you, my Gē. And now, we’ll never be apart again," Xiao Yuan replied, his voice a soothing balm to Wei Qian’s weary soul. "Come with me."Wei Qian looked up at him. “I love you”Xiao Yuan smiled softly. His eyes grazing at him lovingly. “I know. I always knew”Wei Qian nodded as he slowly stood up. With a final, deep breath, Wei Qian felt the warmth of Xiao Yuan's presence envelop him completely. The garden around them faded into a soft, glowing light, and Wei Qian felt his spirit lift, free from the burdens of his earthly life. He opened his eyes one last time to see Xiao Yuan’s radiant smile, welcoming him home. He looked down to see the wrinkled skin turn young. His weak bones, strengthening. Without a doubt he knew he had aged backward. To the time he was young with Xiao Yuan. His man looked at him, with a soft smile. “I am sorry for hurting you”“I know, Gē. I forgave you long time ago.”Together, they walked into the light, their hands intertwined, their hearts forever united. The promise had been fulfilled, the journey complete. Wei Qian and Xiao Yuan, bound by love that transcended time and space, found their eternal peace in each other’s embrace.* * *Xiao Lili had come looking for Wei Qian and found him in the garden. The sight of him there, sitting peacefully on the old swing, brought a mix of emotions to her heart. She approached quietly, not wanting to disturb him. For a moment, she simply stood there, watching him, her heart filled with love and sadness."Ge?" she called softly, her voice trembling with a mixture of hope and fear. But there was no response. She stepped closer, her breath catching as she realized the truth. Tears welled in her eyes as she knelt beside him, taking his hand in hers. It was still warm, the remnants of life clinging to it. She gently squeezed it, her tears falling freely now.Wei Qian had found his peace at last, as he slept eternally with a smile on his face. His spirit reunited with Xiao Yuan.