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Hiccup gritted his teeth. He was angry, he felt betrayed and he felt hurt. And it made him sick to his stomach, because all this feelings were directed at his best friend; his other half. He felt like the worst human on this earth for being this mad over Toothless finding love. Hiccup knew he should be happy but he just...could not. He dug around in his heart to find even a shred of happiness, so that he could cling to it but there was none. What he found instead were heaps of jealousy, mountains of wrath and an ocean of pain. Because how could Toothless just throw away their friendship like that? Had they not always been happy together? Hiccup surely had, and now he was afraid that the Night Fury maybe had not. Perhaps he had always waited for to a chance to...get away. To be free again. Maybe Hiccup had not listened well enough. Maybe they were not soulmates after all. "You alright?", Astrid suddenly asked, tearing the boy away from his thoughts. Hiccup raised his head, catching the blonds backward glance towards him. "Yeah, just tired.", he lied as he squeezed his hands together, his nails digging into his skin. "I get you. We've been flying for five or six hours after all. You're tired too, huh Stormfly?", Astrid returned, her hand petting the Nadder they were sitting on. Hiccup eyes traced over Stormflys patterns in means of distraction, but the only thing he could think about was how much more noticeable they were than Toothless' patterns. Yet he had always managed to find them. Gently, his fingers stroked over the Nadders back, but her scales were rougher than Toothless. They didn't feel the same. It was a long flight from the Hidden World back to New Berk and when they finally landed on the cliff, the moon was already high in the sky. Despite that, the whole village seemed to be awake, waiting for their chief to return. The two of them barely had time to get off of Stormfly before the first people approached them. "Hey Hiccup, where's your dragon? He won't come back 'cause he's to busy making-out with his girlfriend, huh?", Snotlout snickered as a greeting, not realizing how close he was hitting to home. It was some sort of a talent of his, making crude comments at the worst of times. Hiccup pressed his lips into a thin line and clenched his fists so hard until his knuckles whitened, trying to keep his anger from bursting out. But it was hard when it was so hot and so fresh. The image of Toothless and the Light Fury flashed before his eyes, how they were sitting on that giant stone, cuddled together. It made him burn with rage. The way Toothless had chosen a random dragon he nearly knew for a week over him. All the years they had spent together, all the adventures they had experienced, the fights they fought and the things they lost. They had pulled through all that together and now? It did not seem to mean even the tiniest bit to the dragon, yet it had meant the world for him. In that moment, Hiccup wondered if he had chosen Toothless over Astrid, had he had to chose. Misery got added to his pile of emotions, because the answer wasn't as clear or easy as he had hoped it to be. "Yeah, he's...with her. They're happy together so..", Hiccup eventually replied after a long and awkward silence. Snotlouts cocky grin froze upon that answer. "Oh...haha well, good for him, right?", he added with strange shrug of his shoulders. "Yep. I'm happy for him.", Hiccup replied, forcing a smile, the brightest he could muster up. It was such a good forgery that it even fooled Astrid. "I'm proud of you Hiccup. Accepting change like that isn't easy.", the blonde said, placing her hand an his shoulder with an encouraging smile on her lips. Hiccup felt ashamed. There was no reason to be proud of him. He did not accept this, but he still kept his charade upright. Because he did not want the others to know just how pathetically he needed this dragon to be by his side. He felt useless without Toothless. He was just a scrawny boy with a missing leg. But that was only for him to know, safely hidden away behind his happy smile. It became the mask he wore every day from then on. The mask of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third, Chief of Berk and Master of Dragons. The mask of Hiccup who was happy were he was, who was happy for his people who all had their dragons and who was happy for Toothless who was happy somewhere far away from him. Sometimes he could almost convince himself that he really was happy. That it was more than a game of pretend. But the second he was left alone and when he knew nobody looked at him, it all came crashing back. His anger, his misery, his jealousy - every negative emotion under the sun mixed together in his stomach and made him want to throw up. And he did throw up actually; sometimes when the food tasted a little to much like the food he had shared with Toothless. Or when he cried to hard at night and his body pressed out more than just tears. But over time, when the days turned to weeks and weeks to months and finally to years, his myriad of feeling began to pass. Gradually they faded away, leaving his stomach empty and his mind numb. Hiccup had hoped once they disappeared they may make room for nicer emotions, but it was as if they took his ability to feel away. His mask got heavier by the day, his work becoming more of a burden with each new task. Slowly, Astrid took on the role of chief more and more; she was doing a far better job than him anyway. So no one really bothered to question it when Astrid was suddenly the one leading the discussions in the Great Hall, while Hiccup just sat there next to her. And even when he wasn't sitting there anymore, no one cared. Hiccup couldn't even find it in himself to care. The world around him became grey. The sun wasn't as warm as it used to be on his skin. Whereas he used to hear the song of the wind, calling out to him, he know only heard a dull rustle. Even flying wasn't the same anymore. No matter on which dragon he rode, it never gave him that thrill, that freedom he had felt on the back of Toothless. If anything, it only reminded him of what he had lost. Eventually, he gave it up; choosing to ignore the longing of his soul. Hiccup decided to distract himself with forging. For a short while, he seemed to be in the forge for days on end. He designed new weapons and machines for the everyday use, but the glowing embers of his former passion quickly went out as well. After that, he resorted to sleeping. For almost three months, one could barely catch a glimpse of Hiccup in the village. The boy spent his time rotting away in his bed, sleeping or shifting in and out of it. In his dreams, he found his way back to Toothless. He ran his fingers over the dragons black scales, feeling his skin and his impossible heat. He dreamt of their flights and of the nights were he slept pressed tight against the Night Fury. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew it was not real, but he desperately wanted to lose himself in that delusion. Often he woke up with wet cheeks and a pain in his chest that seemed to grow worse each time. But Hiccup shoved that aside, just like the hunger that teared at his insides. Once he fell asleep again, he couldn't feel it anyways. It caused him to lose a lot of weight, which he didn't even notice until he forced himself out of his bed and someone outside commented on it. After some time, his escape into the world of dreams didn't work anymore. They became less vivid and touched more and more onto the fact that Toothless left him. It made him more miserable than he already was, so he then only slept the minimum he had to to not go insane. He found his way back into the village, if only to sit at the sidelines and watch. Hiccup watched a lot. He watched the riders and their dragons, the other vikings, who all had a passion and something to do. All while he had nothing. His dragon was gone, his friends had better stuff to do and his relationship with Astrid had long grown cold. They never officially broke up but it was rather obvious to everyone who had one working eye. "Hiccup stop that! You're bleeding!", Astrids voice called, tearing through his train of thoughts and bringing him out of it. "...what?", Hiccup asked perplex, his gaze empty. "Your hands, Hiccup. They're bleeding.", she repeated, holding his wrists. Hiccup blinked at her and then looked down at his fingers. They were bleeding. He had picked at the skin around his fingernails until blood seeped from them. "Oh, right. Sorry, I was lost in thought and didn't notice.", he said, bearing the tongue of a liar but wearing the face of an honest man. Astrid sighed and gently shook her head. "Be more careful, alright?", the blonde said, pressing a short kiss onto his lips. Hiccup hated it. It was a kiss of pity. They both knew they were over, so why did she keep pretending? Because as nice as she may have meant it, it was nothing more than humiliating. "And you know you can always talk to me, right?", Astrid added and Hiccup just nodded. As if she could understand how he felt. She had her beloved dragon. She was great, with Stormfly and without her. Despite her advice, Hiccup continued to pick at his skin. He scratched and clawed at his fingernails or his scars until he'd draw blood. Every time someone noticed and spoke to him about it, he told them he had not realized it. It was a lie. Obviously he had realized it. It hurt like hell after all. But that's exactly what he was after - the pain. He liked the way it hurt when he dug around in his sore wounds, when he opened them up again and again. He chased this exhilarating pain like some maniac, in love with the rush of adrenaline it gave him. It was his only chance at feeling something else besides that crushing emptiness that lingered in every inch of his body. It made him feel alive for a short moment. But it was not enough, never enough, to satisfy him. The pain always subsided and always left him emptier than he was before. Yet, Hiccup craved it. He craved it like he craved the air to breath. It had become something he couldn't live without. No matter how many people told him to stop, he simply couldn't. He clawed and grated at his fingers until they became numb to the pain. They were so utterly wrecked, he could hammer a nail right through it and barely feel it. Hiccup figured he needed something else, something more. The most obvious answer turned out to also be the best answer: a knife. It cut as deep as he wanted it to, and as long as he wanted it to; and it hurt...just as much as he wanted it to. And it gave him more than pain even, it gave him control. No on besides him decided when it hurt or where it hurt. When his life had gone downhill and spiraled out of his grasp, then this was the one thing that was still his to decide. It was his pain to give and his pain to take. One early morning as Hiccup was staring at his ceiling, he decided that he couldn't bare it anymore. He went outside, the moon was still in the sky but nearing the horizon. His gaze lingered on the village, on the people he loved and held dear or at least...used to. For a second he wavered in his decision, but only for a second. Only because he felt guilt for the pain he would cause. However, that was not something that stopped him in the end. He turned his back to his village, to his people and to his life and walked away, searching the highest point of this island. It was a pretty spot. Adorned with luscious green grass and a single tree growing there. Hiccup leaned against the trunk, his eyes watching the horizon. In the distance, the first rays of sun light crawled over the edge, bathing the earth in a golden glow. "I'm sorry Toothless...", the boy whispered, tears rolling over his face. "I- I'm sorry that I could never be happy for you-", he sobbed. "-and that I...that I wished you'd be just as miserable as I was..", Hiccup admitted, nearly choking on his gasps and tears. "I waited...hoping I'd see you again one day but-", he took a shaky breath, "-it's been seven long years, and I just- I... I can't anymore." Hiccup leaned his head back and closed his eyes, trying to calm down again. He felt the wind on his skin and smelt the salty scent of the sea. "I really wish we'd see each other in Valhalla again.", the boy breathed, a sad smile on his lips, "But I doubt I'll make it there." Then, he pushed himself away from the tree and walked the few steps to the edge of the cliff. His gaze wandered down, deep, deep down, where the waves clashed against the rocky stone wall. And when he took his next step, he did not hesitate for a moment. And then he fell. Hiccup closed his eyes and lost himself in the blissful feeling of weightlessness he had in the air. His stomach prickled and tingled with adrenaline, but not with fear. In his last second, Hiccup heard heard the wind again. It whispered its song into his ear, the most beautiful song he had ever heard. It was the last gift this world had to offer to him before his body hit the ocean. The water was hard and unforgiving, breaking his bones and crushing his organs and taking him in a gruesome way. But it was exactly the way he had wanted his body to be taken, cold and without mercy. For a second, it hurt like hell. In that second, he almost regretted his decision. His body trashed and fought against the water, but it was merely the last instinct of his dying brain. His fate had already been sealed after all.When the waves gently rocked his body back and forth, as if cradling him to sleep, his mind had long left it behind. A week passed before his absence caused a commotion. Astrid was the first to question his disappearance after everyone else had just dismissed it at Hiccups usual behavior. "Don't make such a big deal out of it.", Snotlout said as he and Astrid made their way to Hiccups hut. "But a whole week is much! Even for Hiccup.", Astrid protested, obviously worried about the former chief. Snotlout rolled his eyes. "I'm sure he's laying in his bed and starring at a drawing of Toothless again like some mindless ghost.", the man retorted, seeming utterly annoyed that the blonde had dragged him with her. "Don't talk like that about him. It's not his fault.", she replied, coming to an halt in front of the wooden door. "Pf, he should just pull himself together, for odins sake.", Snotlout muttered quietly under his breath, but apparently not quiet enough because the chief slammed her elbow in his side and gave him a fierce glare. Then, Astrid knocked on the door, hoping Hiccup would open it. The minutes passed, but nothing happened. Astrids chest tightened with an unknown fear, one she couldn't quite pinpoint yet. After a few more minutes past, she decided to just come in. Her and Snotlout searched the whole house, but Hiccup was nowhere to be seen. She was about to tell Snotlout to let the whole village search for him, when a note on the kitchen table caught her eye. Slowly, Astrid approached the piece of paper, with every step hoping that the hunch she had wouldn't turn out to be true. With shaky hands, she reached out to it and unfolded it. Her breath stopped as she read the only sentence that was written on it.
"I'm sorry I was not brave enough to say goodbye to your face."
It wasn't signed but it also didn't need to be. Astrid recognized Hiccups handwriting. And she recognized that this was a suicide letter. The paper slipped through her fingers as thick tears wailed up in her eyes. Snotlout didn't understand until he got a hold of the note and read it for himself. "He can't-", the man choked, refusing to believe the cruel truth. "S-surely he's just..out on a walk or something.", Snotlout said, ignoring how absolutely delusional that was. "No. He's dead.", Astrid hit him with the harsh reality, her voice cold and monotone. "He killed himself. He won't come back."; she sniffled, her tears staining her cheeks. "I-I should have seen the signs... I should have stopped him! But instead he's dead and it took me seven fucking days to realize. Seven. Godforsaken. Days.", she spoke, her weeps and cries mixing with anger and rage. Astrid gritted her teeth as guilt rushed over her. She blamed herself. Not only for not noticing, but also for all the things she had said back then. How he needed to let Toothless go, how she pointed out how good they looked together, how happy they were. Every comment and remark she had made in that direction came rushing back to her, making t painfully obvious that she was part of the problem. It was a heavy guilt, a shame Astrid never quite managed to get off of her shoulders. They left Hiccups house the way they found it. Papers of drawings scattered over his desk, his unmade bed, his clothes laying on the floor - it all looked like he'd return eventually. And even when thick layers of dust began to settle, she couldn't get herself to touch even one piece.