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It was the third night in a row waking up with the crushing notion of failure and idiocy sitting hard against his chest. In his dreams he could sort of forget about it, fall back into the comfortable routine of old fantasies; after all, he'd spent countless nights for many years dreaming for the chance to talk to the only scientist in the world who had written about the possibility of animals mutating to demonstrate humanoid intelligence. He'd scoured the darkest recesses of the internet and even the local library for every paper ever written on the subject, and they all had the same name on them. The name of the guy who'd strapped him to a table, more like sample in a Petry dish than a scientific equal. Not exactly the kind of first impression Donnie had hoped to have on the one scientist in the world who thought it was even possible for a turtle to be intelligent. Today, it was Leo leaning over him, knocking obnoxiously against his shell. He groaned irritably, and had the passing notion to take a swing. He was either too tired or too magnanimous to follow through. Once he was sitting up, Leo moved on to Mikey. Knocking his shell, pulling him to his feet, practically shouting at him; Mikey was a deep sleeper. Even as he hung limply in Leo's grasp, more or less on his feet, a gentle snore escaped him. "Rise and shine, green machine," Leo's voice was way too chipper for--well, any time of day in Donnie's opinion. Nobody should be happy when their one chance at really understanding their own existence had been conscripted to work for the Dragon Lord. "It's gonna be a beautiful night and we're not gonna sit here and miss it," Leo was saying, way too loud. You'd think years of ninja training would've helped with his volume control. "Alright, so don't sit here and miss it," Raph grumbled. "Lay down and sleep like the rest of us." "Mmm hn," Mikey yawned, "Wh' time is it?" he started looking around, barely seeming to care that Leo had him by the shoulders. "Where's Venus and Splinter?" "The three of us have been up for some time," Master Splinter's voice from the dining room made his three still-partially-asleep sons jump. "Your brother has been reading about healthy habits, and he is very excited to share his findings with you." "His findings," Donnie echoed with profound melancholy. He sure wished he had findings to share. He could learn so much from Dr. Quease if only the Dragon Lord hadn't got him first. "We're going for a jog!" Leo announced. "It's good for our bodies and our brains!" Suddenly, Mikey was wide awake. "All of us? What are we waiting for? Let's get breakfast started so we can get out of here!" A spike of irritation was the only thing strong enough to get Donnie to his feet, glaring at Mikey as he shambled towards the kitchen. "Where was all this running mania the other day on the way back to the lair?" Mikey leaned back to peek at Donnie over the open cupboard. "That was running to rescue a wacko scientist from a wacko dragon lord. My brain doesn't give me any rewards for that. This is running for fun as a family activity! Lots of happy juice!" He swung the fruity pebbles out of the cupboard as he spoke, leaving it open as he twirled towards the fridge. Donnie settled into the chair beside Master Splinter, watching blankly as Mikey squeezed various sauces into his cereal--caramel, chocolate, strawberry. Then he was sprinkling in sweetened coconut flakes. And peanut butter, lots of peanut butter. Hm, peanut butter didn't sound too bad for breakfast. Maybe he'd put some in his oatmeal. Finally, Mikey was pouring cream over his concoction and bringing it to the table. Donnie felt an unexpected pang of jealousy, thinking of how his hobby had been ruined. He wondered how Mikey would react if a chef he admired were kidnapped or hired by the Dragon Lord. Would figuring out what else he could mix into his cereal even be fun anymore? And that was exactly the problem, he thought bitterly. He hadn't been studying their mutation for fun! Did he have fun doing science? Absolutely. But it wasn't like he could stop just because the situation with Quease had, as Mikey would put it, reduced the happy juice his brain used to reward him for it with. "Come on Raph, you have to," Leo implored a little too forcefully. Donnie winced at his authoritative tone; Leo hadn't figured out yet how much worse it was to come across controlling than whiny. "Have to, nothing," Raph disagreed, predictably. He gave Leo a passing shove as he moved to the kitchen, almost hitting his head on the cupboard Mikey had left open. It slammed shut, making everyone at the table jump. Donnie thought for sure Mikey was in for an earful, but Raph just said, "Yo Venus, you want oatmeal?" Venus prattled off a response that Donnie didn't pay attention to. It was stupid, but he felt annoyed; he was sitting right there, and yeah he could make his own breakfast, he'd been planning to, but so could Venus. And the point was that Raph hadn't asked him. He and Leo and even Master Splinter were all about Venus lately, which was double annoying because Donnie was the one being civil to her while Raph fumed over getting beaten by magic and Leo and Mikey fumbled with the idea of having a sister. Now she was everybody's favorite and she hadn't even done anything. Well, okay, maybe that wasn't totally fair. She had taught them dream-walking and saved Master Splinter's life, and defeated the Shredder. But it was kind of cheating because she used magic for all that and magic was the cause of all their troubles lately. Master Splinter wouldn't have been in danger if it weren't for dream-walking. If the Dragon Lord had never escaped and never killed Venus's sensei, Splinter wouldn’t have been in danger and Dr. Quease wouldn’t be working for a maniac and Venus wouldn't even be here and technically that would be a better situation for all of them. As soon as that thought passed through his mind, he felt guilty--of course he didn't wish they'd never met Venus, just because the Dragon Lord was giving him pain. Something slamming down in front of him made his eyes fly back open; he hadn't even realized he'd closed them. "Don't offer to help or anything, Dipstick Van Winkle," Raph grouched, settling down next to Venus with his own bowl of oatmeal. Donnie blinked at the bowl Raph had set in front of him. A string of apologies and protests came to mind--I didn't know you were making me some, how did you even know I wanted oatmeal, I think I fell asleep, also are we going running or not because I really don't want to-- But all that came out was "Dah? Uh, thanks." "No one will be required to go," Splinter stated, "But I want you to realize that Leo has put in much effort looking for ways to better himself, and it is important to him to include you. And it would benefit some of you to get out of the lair and do something active." Donnie didn't have to look up to see the way Splinter's gaze lingered on him. It wasn't exactly a secret to anyone that he'd been a bit mopey for the past few days. Well, sue him. His computer blew up and his hero betrayed him all in the same horrible night. He had the computer running perfectly again now, but he felt the damage to his spirit would be a much more complicated fix. Ugh, now even his own internal dialogue was starting to sound like Venus. And did that mean that Leo had made this plan specifically to cheer him up? That would really suck, because it meant he practically had to go, and it definitely wouldn't make him feel better. A glance towards Leo, fidgeting self-consciously with an unfortunately endearing mixture of self-doubt and righteous purpose, had Donnie's heart sinking with the realization that he was definitely going running today. "Yeah, yeah, I'll come on your little mental health run," Raph reached over to rap on Leo's arm with his knuckles. "But I'm still gonna give you a hard time about it." "All that negativity is only gonna slow you down, Raph," Leo retorted. He started jogging in place, as if to demonstrate how much his energy was boosted by his apparently more positive thinking patterns. "Not as much as Mikey's breakfast is gonna slow him down," Raph said, raising his eyebrows as the turtle in question lifted his bowl to his face and started licking out the last remnants of caramel-chocolate-cereal sludge from it. "Betcha he crashes hard about ten minutes in." "He's getting grains and protein," Donnie said around a mouthful, a drip of oatmeal landing on his wrist instead of back in the bowl. He was too tired at the moment to care. Venus crinkled her snout in disgust, though, so he stuck his tongue out at her, clumsily swallowing the last of his current mouthful in order to do so. She pointedly looked away. Master Splinter was eyeing him now, so he quickly directed his attention to his sad peanut-butter-less oatmeal and shoveled the rest of it into his sad understanding-the-nature-of-his-own-existence-less body, this time mindful of his table manners. It was going to be a long night. --- He'd been right; it was a long and miserable night. Now it was nearing its end and he hadn't done a thing except run himself haggard and worry about a baby sea turtle. For one thing: Leo had been a total jerk about the run, not appreciating at all that half of them were only going because they wanted to be supportive. Second point: Mikey was acting weird with him. Nothing too crazy, just a little quicker to jump to name-calling and a little more distant, but he couldn't help feeling like things hadn't been the same between them since he'd gone to rescue Quease and ended up getting kidnapped. Maybe it was Donnie who was acting different; he couldn't deny he was still annoyed, especially with Mikey, for being so glib about the whole thing from start to finish. Third: Venus was perfect. Of course she liked running. Of course she loved the baby turtle and wanted to help. Nobody was going to remember it was Donnie who had talked them into going back for the baby turtle when she lost it. She didn't even seem to appreciate that he'd stood up for her. She and Mikey and even Raph had gotten all defensive when he told them they couldn't keep the baby turtle in the sewers. Like they thought he didn't care about her! He had literally told them he logged on to the turtle website every day! Of course once he explained about her needs and their total inability to meet them, they'd been on board with calling animal services, they'd practically had no choice. But it still sucked to be misunderstood. He just needed to focus on updating security systems. With a new enemy who already had a habit of hanging out underground, they really needed to keep on their toes. He wondered how Dr. Quease handled feeling misunderstood. The thought made his stomach twist uncomfortably, but not nearly as bad as the thought of Quease had for the past few days. He wondered if it was because the hurt was starting to heal, or just because this time he was alone instead of with his family. They didn't understand at all. Of course it was disappointing that Quease had been hired by the Dragon Lord, but they were all acting like that made the two of them equally evil. They didn't understand how the human world worked, not like Donnie did. The guy had been fired from every institute he’d ever worked at, of course he was tempted by a job offer! And the lab Dragon Lord had set up for him really was a nice one. Oh, what he wouldn't give for a particle accelerator! "How is the security update going?" Master Splinter's voice cut through his thoughts. "Hm? Fine. Well actually, to tell you the truth," Donnie rested his chin in his hands and sighed heavily, "I'm just having a hard time focusing." A paw rested on his shoulder. It was gentle, consoling, but also a bit demanding. "You are distracted by thoughts of Quease." Of course he could guess that; it wasn't a secret. Still, the frank observation made Donnie feel uncomfortably exposed. "I can't help it, Master Splinter," he said. "I've been studying the phenomenon of our mutation for my whole life." Master Splinter tilted his head, listening. Donnie turned his chair to face him. "I just want to understand where we came from," he found himself practically pleading. "I need to know where the ooze came from, why it was developed." In the past he'd wanted to understand their mutation better in order to know how to help when one of them got hurt, since they couldn't just go grab a doctor, however they may joke about it. But now they had Venus for that, so maybe it wasn't so urgent. But it still felt urgent. Master Splinter was shaking his head, gentle but firm. "You do not need to know how you came to be in order to understand who you are." Donnie wanted to cry. It wasn't a casual scientific curiosity, it was a lifelong quest. He did need it, as badly as he'd ever needed anything. "But what if that is who I am? What if," he put a tapped a hand against his chest for emphasis, "I need to understand?" He hadn’t noticed Venus emerge from her subway car, apparently finished with her meditation. He sucked in a breath of irritation as she approached quietly, leaning against his desk to join the conversation. “I used to be very curious about where I came from and how,” she said pleasantly. “I did not know about ooze, only that Chung I had found me in the gutter. I thought it made me dirty.” Donatello bit his tongue about how completely irrelevant this story was to the private conversation he’d been having with Master Splinter. She wasn’t trying to be rude, he shouldn’t be rude either. “He taught me that all things have their place, and many of the most wonderful things are questions that cannot be answered. He explained questions and answers as being in balance with each other, like light and dark.” "Good for Chung I," he muttered bitterly before he could stop himself. In his opinion, the point of questions was to be answered, and none of Venus's 'internal process' babblings could change that. Venus didn't seem to pick up on his tone, and he suspected Master Splinter ignored it for her sake. "Chung I was a very wise man," he said warmly. Donnie felt a surge of anger at how much gentler and more ready to understand he seemed with her than he’d been with him. Of course; Master Splinter was all about philosophy and Venus’s magic seemed to fall in that category. Science was something only Donnie understood. “With his guidance I studied Tian Wen thoroughly,” she continued. “It has helped me understand myself as part of nature, instead of somehow rejected by it.” “I always loved learning from Chung I about his cosmology,” Splinter said. “Each of us have opposites within us, and contribute to the larger opposition of the universe.” They were completely missing the point. This wasn’t a religious question. It wasn’t something he could stop wondering about by closing his eyes and finding peace in himself. And he didn’t want anything to do with a philosophy that separated questions from answers to the point he couldn’t seek answers to basic scientific questions. "I was this close," He said almost to himself. "Years of hitting the same walls over and over. Now there's an expert--the expert--in the field of mutant biology living two blocks from us. And the Dragon Lord got him first." "Donatello," Master Splinter's tone was getting terse, "Dr. Quease is not a mere victim of the Dragon Lord. Whatever his scientific discoveries may have been, we cannot trust him. He is dangerous." "You don't know that," Donnie argued half-heartedly. "He's only human. You know how they are about their careers." He let out a weak half-chuckle, trying to soften the memory of April and Casey a bit. Their careers had taken them out of New York City for now, and although they wrote, it wasn't the same. Nobody had quite healed from that yet. Master Splinter looked thoroughly unamused. "Humans are not to be trifled with. You must put these thoughts from your mind. There are plenty of other ways to understand who you are." Donnie scowled. He wasn’t asking who he was, he was asking about the properties of the ooze that caused them to mutate and the specificities of their individual mutations. He had a whole list of questions that he’d compiled over the years with careful research, questions that decidedly testable. But Master Splinter didn’t really have a deep respect for science. It was something he tolerated, and it would be pointless to try to explain all this to him. "I'm not trifling with him. Am I allowed to be upset?" His father sighed wearily. "Of course you are. How can we help with the security system?" Somehow, Donnie didn’t really feel like he was allowed to be upset.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

With everyone's help it didn't take too long to get the security system updated. It wasn't the overhaul Donnie had originally wanted and had a harder time envisioning the more he thought about it, but it was sufficient that they all felt safe again. Outer and inner perimeter alarms, with soundproofing so the intruder wouldn't know they'd tripped one. A couple of traps much nearer their home, hopefully far enough in no one would ever actually fall into them. It wasn't his best work, but it would do. It had been a bit easier to focus once everyone got involved. It felt nice to work as a unit. It made him feel appreciated, knowing the work he did was important enough to his family for their time and effort. However, this also brought up some unexpected feelings that made it hard to fall asleep. Because they had totally left him out to dry when he asked for help rescuing Dr. Quease. And here he was going on runs with Leo and sticking up for Venus's baby turtle. Of course he felt totally stupid for going to rescue Dr. Quease only to find out that he not only didn't need Donnie's help, he was now working for the guy who wanted to eat them. That had been a colossally idiotic move on his part. But come on! If you really thought about it, weren't the others being kind of stupid too? The only possible options were that Quease was either in serious danger or would soon become a serious danger to them. He knew nobody else actually cared about understanding mutation, but surely they could recognize that it put them at a strategic disadvantage for their current greatest enemy to have a man on his team who understood their mutant biology better than they did! Master Splinter was always saying, know your enemy better than he knows himself. Well, that's what Dragon Lord was doing! And they were letting him! Well, Donnie wouldn't stand for it. He needed to get his hands on Quease's research, that would even the playing field again. He would talk to Master Splinter about it first thing tomorrow. With his backing, the others wouldn't be able to just blow him off like they had last time. In the meantime, since he couldn’t sleep anyway, he had an idea for a program he could whip up. He just needed to connect a spreadsheet to his eye in the sky and set it to autofill when Quease was normally out of his lab. He could convert it to graphs later to be able to see useful patterns. It was a simple and incredibly safe plan. No one could possibly object. He would just use the supplies while Quease wasn’t using them. No harm to his family, no harm to Quease. -- Round four waking up with a profound sense of the meaninglessness of his existence permeating his entire body and making it hard to move. Even worse, round two waking up to find Leo's face hovering over him. "Wake up, Don!" he sounded irritated. Had they had plans? "What?" "Everyone else is ready to go." "Not anymore," Raph piped up. "Mikey's using the bathroom for the fourth time." Donnie blinked blearily. Mikey shouldn't be needing the bathroom that much, unless he'd eaten something not even he could stomach. "That's not good," he glanced between the bathroom and Raph and Venus waiting by the front entrance. "Maybe it's just nerves?" It was probably time for a real physical check-up, with all of them. He didn’t want to deal with that right now. Maybe Venus could do it instead? But that wouldn’t really be fair to ask, she was still getting comfortable with them. Maybe he could put off bringing it up just a bit longer. "More like he's bored waiting for you," Raph teased. "Come on, let's get going so we can get back already!" Donnie sat up. "Going? Where--" Ah, Raph was scowling heavily, Venus was vibrating with excitement, Leo was herding everyone. His heart sank. "Oh, no, come on, Leo, we jogged yesterday!" Leo wagged a finger at him. "Every morning! Healthy habits aren't healthy habits if you don't do them habitually."  "What about every other day?" Donnie bartered, giving Leonardo his best pleading eyes. As usual, it was completely ineffective. "Don't bother, I already tried," Raph grumbled. "We are going to go on a shorter run today," Venus announced. "Leo said we could drop you limps off at home after a couple of laps." Donnie exchanged a look with Raph about being called limps. "Uh, that's wimps, Venus," Raph put a hand on her shoulder, softening the correction. "And don't repeat stuff Leo said." Venus frowned. "I thought a wimp was a bad guy." Before they could explain, Mikey made his entrance. "Are we ready to go yet?" he asked, hopping from foot to foot. Donnie raised an eyebrow. "Mikey, what did you eat this morning?" "I've been trying to save up my energy for the jog!" Mikey said impatiently. "And if it doesn't go somewhere soon, I'll tear the living room apart!" That got them all moving pretty quickly. So quickly, in fact, that Donnie didn't get to grab breakfast. The time dragged. All he could think about was Dr. Quease. He’d get excited about the idea of the lab right there in reach, with all of Quease’s notes from years of research—and then get depressed again as he remembered the Dragon Lord, and the way his hero had completely turned on him in favor of procuring the lab. When they got home they were all eager to get to their individual activities. Venus got to shower first; Mikey took over the kitchen; Raph took off on his bike. Donnie thought about telling Master Splinter his plan to steal from Quease's lab, but his nerves failed him. So he went to his computer and clicked idly around, unable to get focused on a project. Leo was lurking behind him. Feeling uncomfortably scrutinized, Donnie whirled his chair to confront him. "Can I help you?" Leo was fidgeting nervously, and Donnie regretted his tone. "Do you think Raph doesn’t like hanging out with us?" "What?" "I mean, he complains so much about going jogging together. But as soon as we get home he's off on his bike. Like he was just annoyed about being together." Leo was surly and seemed devastatingly sincere. Donnie sighed.  "Leo, jogging and motorcycling aren't the same thing." "But you know he's gonna be looking for trouble to get into. I always used to think he just needed exercise, but that's clearly not enough." Donnie put a hand on Leo's arm, trying to soften what he was about to say. "Raph is very independent." "You mean he doesn't like being part of the group." Donnie threw his hands up in a shrug. "Sometimes! Turtles are solitary creatures by nature. The ooze gave us a more social nature. If we hadn't been mutated we wouldn't even feel the need for a familial structure." He turned back to his computer, foolishly thinking that he had effectively ended the conversation. Leo leaned against his desk. "So you're saying he likes us because of the ooze?" What? When did he say that? It didn’t sound very scientific. This was going to be a long conversation. "I'm saying that, even though our mutation has caused all of us to take an interest in participating in a familial structure and seeking out connection, we're also bound to maintain some turtle traits on an instinctual level." Leo thinned his eyes thoughtfully. "But we were all turtles." "Yes," Donnie agreed carefully. "But we also just have different personalities, and it's possible we kept different turtle traits, or kept them to different degrees." "So you think Raph kept more turtle in him than the rest of us?" "I didn't say that," Donnie said carefully, wary of a distorted version of this theory getting back to Raph with his name on it. "It would take me years of intense observation and tests to draw any conclusions about exactly why our mutation manifests in certain ways, to say nothing of the difficulty of accounting scientifically for the ways our personalities interact with it." He couldn't help but sigh wistfully. "Sure would be easier if I could talk to a real scientist about it." Leo stood up straight, suddenly on high alert. "No!" "I didn't say anything," Donnie protested. Leo stared at him. He stared at Leo. Oh, what the heck. He lunged forward, wrapping his arms around Leo's middle. "Please please please please please please--" "No way, Don! We're not going anywhere near Quease's lab!" He backed away, pulling Donnie out of his chair. He let go of his grip on Leo to avoid being dragged across the floor. Unfortunately, this meant he fell face-first onto the living room floor, his feet caught against the legs of his chair. Betrayed by his own very most comfortable computer chair that was supposed to be his safe spot. Almost like being betrayed by his hero. "Oh, come on!" he scooted forward on his elbows and grabbed Leo's ankles. "Think of all the ways it could help us! Don't you want to understand Raph better?" "No way, he's a total creep!" "Aw, now that's not nice," Michelangelo settled into the couch, a bowl of popcorn with various mix-ins in his lap. "Raph is just independent, not a creep." "That's not what I meant," Leo protested. Mikey shrugged, smirking. He'd probably heard and understood the whole exchange just fine. Donnie glanced between the two of them, weighing his options. Usually Michelangelo was a lot easier to talk into things, but for some reason he'd been particularly vindictive about Quease. He settled on continuing to plead fruitlessly with Leo. Laws of inertia said it was easier to continue doing something than change direction, and he needed to save his energy for the pleading itself. "Please please please--" "Get off of me!" Leo yelped, starting to sound genuinely freaked out. Without really knowing why, but trusting his younger sibling instincts, Donnie latched on harder and increased the rate of his pleas. "Please please please please please please--" "The bath is open," Venus announced, her soft footsteps pattering over to the couch. "Me next," Leo said decisively, taking a few determined steps in spite of Donnie clinging to him. He let go to avoid being kicked in the face. He rolled over to lean against the couch, between Mikey and Venus. He looked up at Venus, debating his chances. "Don't listen to him," Mikey warned. "He's on about Quease again." Venus tilted her head. "But Quease does not need to be rescued. He is not in danger." "And he could be a great danger to us if we seek him out," Master Splinter climbed through the front entrance, Raphael following close behind. Donnie's heart sank. So much for running the plan by Splinter first and counting in his backup. Leo had to go ruin his plans because he was all worked up over what Raph was doing. And he still hadn't even had breakfast. This was so unfair. "I'm not talking about seeking him out," he explained. "I just think we should try to get some of his notes and supplies. Since Dragon Lord has access to all this knowledge about our mutation, doesn't it make sense we should have it too?" "No," Master Splinter said firmly, "It is not worth the risk." The severity of his tone made Donnie look down in shame. Master Splinter didn’t understand how important this was to him.But then, he thought, of course he wouldn't risk his family's safety for this. He hated to imagine one of them strapped to that table, without the context he'd had about what Quease was doing, or the background knowledge to stall by arguing with him. That was probably exactly the scenario Master Splinter was imagining. Donnie's eyes burned with embarrassment and disappointment; he quietly took a deep breath and focused on keeping them dry. Gosh, his emotions had been all over the place lately. Maybe he really should bring up their annual check-ups. "Sorry," he mumbled. An uncomfortable silence made him fidget. He felt sure everyone’s eyes were on him. Somehow that made it harder, as well more important, to keep himself from crying. He was very grateful when Raph settled net to Venus on the couch and flicked the TV on. Master Splinter took the edge seat next to Mikey, and the three of them bantered good-naturedly about what to watch. Venus seemed excited by every option presented. He thought distantly that he could probably talk her into a nature documentary pretty easily and win the vote, but he just didn’t feel up to speaking up. They ended up watching baseball. Mikey and Raph were rooting for opposite teams; Donnie couldn’t focus enough to tell if they were genuinely invested or just teasing each other. The texture of the carpet was distracting. He felt stupid sitting on the floor, and stupider because there was space between Mikey and Venus and he could easily move. But for whatever reason he couldn’t. It felt like it was taking all his focus not to sink back into the kind of depression he’d felt when he first come home after Quease’s betrayal. The bathroom door swung open. Donnie shot to his feet and beelined for it, ignoring Leo’s protest that he hadn’t taken that long. He locked the door behind him and pretended to himself that from in there they couldn't hear him cry.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

He needed to get himself some headphones so he could listen to The Sewer Hour privately. Master Splinter and Leo tried to be good sports, but he could tell they were annoyed. Venus was in the other room meditating, and Raph was out, so Donnie really was the only one listening. But he didn’t have headphones at the moment—his last pair had broken and he hadn’t repaired it yet. And he didn’t want to miss this week’s episode, especially since things had felt off between him and Mikey lately. It was dragging a bit at the moment; someone had called in for relationship advice, though based on what they’d heard so far, there wasn’t really a relationship to ask for advice about. “So then I thought that might mean she feels it too, you know? Even though we had talked about it before and she said we’re just friends but sometimes feelings can change, and I don’t want to mess up the friendship but I also don’t want to miss my chance.” Mikey, like the girl in question, had already given the caller the same answer twice. He was a little surprised Mikey didn’t just cut the guy off; probably he felt bad for him. He was being dumb, but genuine, and Mikey wasn’t one to turn someone away who was genuine. “Listen, Bradley, I think you’re gonna have to be honest with her about how you feel.” “I did, I just don’t know about how she feels, that’s the problem. Cause I asked her but—” “Bradley. Bradley Bradley Bradley. She told you she doesn’t feel the same and wants to go on being just friends. But you can’t go on being just friends, right?” “Right! That’s—” Leo groaned, holding his head. “This is hard to listen to.” “It brings with it a distracting spirit,” Splinter agreed with a frown. Donnie was the only one who understood, or at least sort of understood, Mikey’s vision with The Sewer Hour. Venus was trying lately, but it was hard for her to follow; it took a decade or two of living with Mikey to start understanding his language. And that meant it was Donnie’s responsibility to stick up for him. “Mikey’s very patient,” he said pointedly. Splinter nodded. “He is.” “So you’re gonna have to tell her you need time and space away from her until the crush fades. You’re an all or nothing kind of guy—that can be a great thing! But you gotta take the time to understand your own feelings so you can make smart choices. Spending all this time with her is making your feelings worse, and believe me, it’s gonna start to make her uncomfortable if it hasn’t already. And hey, if she does change her mind, she’ll know to tell you so. Just don’t make that assumption. You can’t have it all, so you gotta commit to nothing for now. You feel? Keep yourself open for a girl who feels the same." Donnie nodded along, feeling proud of his little brother. Splinter and Leo seemed less impressed with his answer, and yeah, maybe Mikey hadn't phrased it in the way they would have, maybe he wasn't at Master Splinter's level of wisdom, but he was empathetic, and his delivery was dynamic and fun. “Alright, next caller,” Mikey hid the relief in his voice well. “Tell us your name and ask away!” “This is Jasmine; I really love your show!” “Hey, groovtastic, Jasmine! I really love our show too. Now, and I say this with love and respect, what is your problem?” “Well, it’s kind of a small thing. I’m probably freaking out over nothing.” “Freak away, sister.” “It’s this new church my mom’s been going to. The pastor just gives me the creeps. He hasn’t doe anything wrong, and she really likes the service. It’s a big congregation and no one else seems wigged out. Like I said, I’m probably overreacting.” “No way, girlfriend,” Mikey reassured her. “You got the vibes, you trust the vibes. Don’t worry about if you’re overreacting; worry about what happens if you’re not overreacting. You do not have to trust wackos and freaks. I’ll tell you something—I’ve got a good friend whose idol is a total—" Hurt spread through Donnie’s chest like he’d been struck. He flipped the radio off, trying to force the emotions down before they showed on his face. It really sucked how crazy sensitive he’d been lately. He wasn’t a kid anymore and he shouldn’t be bothered over something so stupid. There were probably lots of scientists who’d done good work, whose findings he’d studied, who would completely freak if they saw him. Probably call animal control or something. It shouldn’t be so disappointing just because it happened to be the one scientist on earth who actually believed something like Donnie could exist. It was mortifying how much it was affecting him. Leo and Splinter were glancing uncertainly at each other. “Uh, I thought we were listening to that,” Leo protested half-heartedly. “You guys don’t want to hear it,” Donnie replied. He sounded pouty even to himself, so he cleared his throat and tried for a more matter-of-fact tone. “Besides, I have work to do.” Lying, especially to Master Splinter, made him uneasy, but at the moment it felt like the only safe option. -- Leo was right about habits and routines. When they sucked they really sucked. Actually, Leo hadn’t said that, but Donnie was pretty sure it was the inverse of something he’d said—or, no, make that the contrapositive. Maybe? Anyway, Leo had said something about jogging every day and Donnie hated him. It. He didn’t really hate Leo, he just thought he did first thing in the morning when all the hollering and prodding and hurrying them along happened. Mikey and Venus were not much better. At least Raph complained about it; Donnie stuck close to him. He wouldn't spout them off like Leo, but there were certain cliches he believed in, and one was that misery and company were peas in a pod. Maybe he was mixing metaphors a little. He just wanted to go back to bed. This time Master Splinter had made them all eat before they left. Donnie was grateful for that, even though he did still forget to put peanut butter in his oatmeal. So his life was pretty much the worst. It was completely unfair; Venus and Mikey had runners’ builds. Why couldn’t they have family weight-lifting every morning? Or at least alternate. The very some ooze that had gifted Mikey with the metabolism of a hummingbird and high tolerance for cardio had somehow also saddled Donnie with a natural physique that made it twice as hard to go half as fast. And as the only scientist in the family, Donnie didn’t have anyone else who understood why this was difficult for him; they just thought he was being a baby. He barely understood it himself and wasn’t even allowed to ask questions about it anymore, because Dr. Quease working for the Dragon Lord hadn’t left a single good thing in his life untouched. “This is lame,” he said to Raph as soon as he could catch his breath, hoping for a little commiseration. But Leo was at the front of the group, and for Raph the joy of complaining was to be heard by the target of your ire. Donnie was the one in earshot; Raph didn’t have anyone else to aim his ire at. “Quit being a weenie,” he snapped. “And don’t talk to me, that just makes it worse.” His chest burned, a little because of the jealousy worming it’s way there that Raph that could put together a sentence like that without wheezing, oh, and also because his lungs were on fire. He whimpered in place of his usual sarcastic retort, slowing his pace as he tried desperately to catch his breath. Raph slowed a little too, and the two of them had Leo’s attention in an instant. “No turtle left behind!” he declared with way too much energy, circling back to jog next to Donnie and ushering for Mikey and Venus to do the same. Which they did, no problem. Effectively going twice as far as him and Raph as they ran in place and looped back trying not to get too far ahead. “Leo,” Raph grumped, “How much longer is this gonna take? I got other stuff to do today.” “Oh, come on, guys,” Leo pouted. “We haven’t gone even half as far as we did yesterday!” Donnie came to a dead stop, fixing Leo with a look. “We did that yesterday,” he whined. “Oh, no, don’t stop,” Raph whined, his voice losing it’s hard edge as something like panic settled in. “Now he’s gonna start on a motivational speech, and we’re gonna be here all—” “It’s a daily habit! Do you know what daily means, Donatello? It means every—" “Day,” Raph practically sobbed. “Or would that be night?” Mikey asked with a finger on his chin, tone far too chipper for having been running all morning. "Every day!" “We could do one day run and one night run,” Venus suggested, tone hopeful. “That would be twice a day,” Raph said sourly. “Twice a night,” Mikey corrected. Donnie shot them a half-hearted glare, not having the breath at the moment to correct them that it would be once a day and once a night. “And every day means,” Leo spoke over them, “We don’t give up! We are consistent! We are reliable!” “I’m consistent,” Donnie assured him, speaking a lot more easily now that they had stopped running and he had a moment to catch his breath. “I work at my desk. Daily. Nightly too. All day, all night, that’s where you can find me. Very consistent.”

Leo gripped his shoulder and poked his chest. “Wrongo. We’re active. When we work hard together and play hard together, our minds are as one! We can master the internal arts! It’s the turtle way!” He didn’t know when Leo’s obsession with the ninja way had been replaced with the turtle way, but the phrasing doesn’t sit well with him at all, bringing up fresh thoughts of data he’s studied from every which angle for his whole life, and endangered baby turtles who loved Venus and Mikey even though turtles aren’t supposed to be social creatures, and a thousand incredibly relevant questions that he wasn’t any closer to answering. “How would you know what the turtle way is?” Leo’s face crumpled. Panic shot through Donnie, because he had no idea why his words would’ve hurt his brother like that, and over his shoulder he could see Raph and Venus exchanging looks like they knew exactly why. At least Mikey seemed as lost as he was, but then again Mikey always looked vaguely lost, and was usually much more aware of what was happening than showed on his face. Before Donnie could formulate an apology, Leo’s face hardened again. “Fine, be a crybaby. You guys don’t want to jog with us,” he turned fully away and crossed his arms, “Don’t jog with us. Just go home if you don’t want to be here.” “Geez, Leo, don’t flip out on us,” Raph stood in front of him. “Kill a guy for needing a break, why don’t you?” “You didn’t even need one! Donnie needed a break but you—you just want to get this over with so you can go exercise alone instead.” “Yeah, and so what if I do? When I need some fresh air, I go get some fresh air. I need to pound somebody, I go out and do it. When you need to get whatever this daily habit stuff is out of your system, you gotta make it everybody’s problem.” “Because we’re a family, Raph! What’s so bad about doing things together, huh?” “What’s so bad about doing things alone?” Mikey cut in. “He came with us to go jogging first, didn’t he?” Donnie tuned out the conversation, enjoying for the moment that he could stand still and take slow breaths. As bitter as he still felt at all of them for making him go alone to rescue Quease when he’d wanted to do it together, it was better for him to just stay out of this one. A hand on his elbow made him startle. Venus had moved away from the fight to stand with him. The conflict probably made her uncomfortable; she was funny about that stuff. He took a breath to reassure her that this was all just normal morning grumpiness, but the look on her face stopped him. Her face was gentle and full of concern, and for the split second before she spoke Donnie suddenly realized how badly he’d been wanting for someone to ask him if he was alright. Because he really wasn’t, and he could sure use a little reassurance right now. “Leonardo is going through a hard time.” He blinked. “Uh, yeah.” He had no idea what she was talking about. “He is on a journey to understand his place in the world. He wants to know what it means to be a mutant.” Donnie stared. Venus stared back, obviously serenely unaware of the irony in saying that to him. “It is a wonderful journey, but it can be a frightening and confusing beginning,” she explained as if he didn’t know. “He needs his family’s support.” He’d thought it was so obvious how upset he was. He’d been embarrassed how obvious it was that not having the approval of the Dragon Lord’s newest stooge had hurt him so badly. But why would they even notice? It was normal for him to obsess over things nobody else cared about. It was normal for Master Splinter to be wary of any possible involvement in the human world. And it was normal for them to ignore him. Personally, he thought he deserved an award for putting a hand on her shoulder instead of stomping on her foot. “Great idea, Venus,” he laid the sarcasm on thick, knowing she didn’t always recognize it. “You support Leonardo, and I,” he indicated himself with both hands, as if there was a chance she’d gotten lost, “Will go home.” Leo, Raph, and Mikey paused in their arguing and turned to face him. “What?” “Yeah,” he crossed his arms, satisfied that he had their attention. Wanting to sound important so Leo couldn’t call him a baby, and maybe also slightly crying out for help, he declared decisively, “I’m digging up all the notes I ever made on our biology and my genetics textbook and computer models and I’m not stopping until I get some answers.” Leo and Raph looked properly baffled. Mikey, for some reason, looked like someone had just kicked his hamster across the room. Donnie barely had time to notice and be confused before he’d schooled his expression into mildly judgmental disinterest. “Don’t be a geek, Donnie.” The momentary pride and hope that he hadn’t felt about his work since the incident with Quease vanished like a popped balloon. “You wanna learn about mutant biology?” Mikey spread his arms out demonstratively. “Dig this.” He crouched low pointed his gaze forward. After a moment to get himself ready, he sprang forward, using his momentum to briefly run sideways up the wall and spring himself into a flip. He landed on his feet, hands up in a victorious V. Venus and Leo clapped politely. Raph shook his head. “That’s great, Mikey,” Donnie drawled. “If you crack your head open, I’ll have a mutant brain to study.” Mikey made a face at him. “Creeporama, Egghead. Stop trying to act like that loony Quease.” “He’s not a loony,” Donnie seethed. “He might be—a little confused right now, but he’s still a scientific genius!” “Loony.” “He’s not confused,” Venus argued, “Master Splinter says he is dangerous!” Donnie bit back an angry retort. Master Splinter had never even seen Quease in person, never read so much as a page of his research. “Whatever,” Leo ended the discussion. “Let’s just go home.” “What, already?” Raph raised his eyebrows. “We haven’t even gone half as far as we did yesterday.” Leo waved him away. “What’s the point? This was all just a stupid idea.” “Well, maybe,” Raph shrugged, “But you’ve had worse ideas.” Donnie put a hand on Raph’s shell to stop him from starting the whole argument over again, or worse, making them run more. “Hey, hey, don’t argue with the Leader,” he held up a finger, “Leo says it’s time to book, we book.” “Yeah, whatever,” Raph pushed him away. “Let’s book.” -- He really had intended to dig up his own notes on the phenomenon of their mutation, compare it to what he understood about human DNA, and try to start making some progress for the first time in years. But he got stuck. He just couldn't feel excited about it anymore. So, instead, he found himself checking the program he’d installed to track Quease’s schedule. Not that he would actually try to go to the lab, of course; Splinter would never allow it. It was pretty consistent—that was a good sign. There was a good chunk of the early morning—the time he and his family would be winding down their day—when he had never been present in his lab. It wouldn’t really hurt anything for him to just go look. He was sure he could snag something useful. But then again, he really didn’t want to go alone. Almost as if on cue, Mikey pulled a kitchen chair up to sit right next to him. He turned to face him. “I know, I know,” Mikey said sadly, licking his garlic ice cream with a pout. “No food by your computer.” He started to get up, but Donnie put a hand on his arm. “You wanna go somewhere with me?” Mikey’s eyes lit up, and it felt like things were back to normal between them for a moment. Then his face darkened suspiciously. “Not another science convention?” Donnie’s eyes flicked between his little brother and his computer screen that still plainly showed Quease’s schedule. “It’s not a science convention.” Mikey squinted at him, glancing towards the screen and then quickly looking away. He sighed. “I guess it’s better than you going alone.” That had been Donnie’s exact thought, but hearing it from Mikey in that long-suffering tone was really irritating. “Gee, thanks.” “So I’m guessing you haven’t asked Master Splinter yet.” He suppressed a spike of panic. “You can’t tell Master Splinter.” Mikey was easy to convince when he was bored. “Okay, no problem, just us siblings then.” “Ah ah,” Donnie held up a finger, “If you can’t tell Splinter it means you also can’t tell…” he raised his eyebrows and waved a hand for Mikey to finish. His shoulders sank. “Just us siblings minus Leo?” “And …?” He pouted and crossed his arms. “No Leo and no Venus. Can I at least tell Raph?” Donnie shrugged. “You can tell Raph, but good luck convincing him to come along.” Mikey smirked. “Leave that to me.” Donnie shook his head, watching as Mikey positioned himself by the door. Raph was in and out all the time, so it was the most likely place to come across him. Sure enough, it wasn’t long before Raph walked through and Mikey immediately pounced on him. “Hey Raph, wanna spar?” Donnie smirked; he’d tried that already. Mikey would see. “Yeah, sure, later.” “Sweet. Wanna sneak into Quease’s laboratory with me and Donnie?” Raph’s head snapped in Donnie’s direction. He glanced between the two of them. Donnie was just waiting for him to say no, and hoping it wouldn’t change Mikey’s mind about the whole thing. “Alright.” “Sweet.”

“What?” Donnie stood up from his chair. “How come you’re all ready to go when he asks?” Raph shrugged, unrepentant. “It’s probably better than you going alone. You told Splinter yet?” “We’re not telling Master Splinter,” Mikey said significantly. “Ah. Just the three of us, then?” Mikey nodded. Donnie didn’t like the looks they were sharing. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he just didn’t think Splinter would approve and there was no point in worrying everyone. “Perfect, so if we die nobody knows where we are.” “We’re technically really not being that sneaky,” Donnie countered. “They could easily track us on the eye in the sky.” “Yeah, because the three individuals we’re leaving behind are so into gadgets, they’re really likely to think of that, let alone be able to use it.” Donnie frowned. “It’s not difficult to operate,” he argued. Raph gave him a look. “Alright, well then, if we’re not being that sneaky, I’ll just go ahead and tell Master Splinter—” He started to rise from the couch; Donnie crossed the room in a split second to stop him. “No! Come on Raph, please don’t tell Splinter, I’ll—” extra sparring time probably wasn’t going to work, especially since Mikey had already promised that anyway. Could he handle Raph’s chores for a bit? If his plan to get supplies from Quease’s lab worked, he would be really busy. “I’ll let you use my Game Boy whenever you want for a month.” Raph held his hands up. “Alright, relax, I’m not telling Splinter. Just as long as you know you are being sneaky, and you totally owe me and Mikey for this.” For a second, Donnie felt like crying. Why did he have to owe them for having his back on this? Leo didn’t owe him for running. Mikey didn’t owe him for listening to the Sewer Hour. Raph didn’t owe him for making the eye in the sky so Leo and Splinter would chill out about him being out all the time. Nobody cared that this was important to him. He pushed the feeling down, surprised again at his own sensitivity. Having his lifelong dream dangled in front of him and then ripped away had really messed him up. He’d feel better once he had those books. “Can I use your Game Boy whenever I want for a month, too?” Mikey asked sweetly. Donnie groaned. “Whatever. Come on, let me show you the plan.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

It was crazy, it was a lot to take in, but it was true: Master Splinter was wrong. And Donnie was right. Dr. Quease wasn’t dangerous, he wasn’t corrupt. He was a victim of the Dragon Lord. Exactly like Master Splinter had said he wasn’t. And that meant there was still a chance, in fact a very good chance, that Donnie would get to actually talk to him! The leading expert, no, the only expert in mutation at the level they had experienced, was two blocks away and he’d helped them escape. Of course, no one believed Donnie in spite of the clear evidence. Raph and Mikey had literally been there and seen Quease let them go, but of course all they could focus on was that he worked for the Dragon Lord. Not everything was so black and white! Just because the ugly lizard was Quease’s boss didn’t mean the brilliant scientist agreed with what he stood for. Jobs were just things you needed as a human, things that could easily change too. April would understand, if she were here. But she wasn’t, and he hadn’t gotten a reply to his last letter yet. Venus and Leo were, of course, only fixated on the fact that Donnie had ‘stolen’ some textbooks, when that really wasn’t the case at all. He was going to return them as soon as he was done with them. They didn’t understand how valuable the information in them would be. And it was like they didn’t even hear the part where Quease wasn’t dangerous. Whatever. He didn’t really need them to understand. Now that he knew it was completely safe, he didn’t feel so nervous about going alone. Sure, it hurt not to be able to talk to his family about something so important to him, his own personal journey to understand what it really meant to be a mutant, and it made him feel a little sick lying to Master Splinter. But that was all a small price for daily access to scientific equipment and detailed textbooks on mutation and the world expert right there in the room to mentor him. So, he set aside his qualms, steeled his nerves, and returned to the lab alone. And it was worth it! Quease was really impressed with him! That was probably the reason he’d let them go against the Dragon Lord’s orders to begin with—Donnie had told him before that he’d read his book, and Quease had certainly noticed the missing textbooks. He was probably just as eager as Donnie was to talk about his research to someone who would understand! It didn’t matter what his family thought. Quease had been kind to him, and it was because of their shared interest in uncovering the mystery of his mutation. Master Splinter might not understand now, but someday this would pay off for all of them. If they could provide a thorough scientific explanation to the academic world for what had happened to them, really get educated people to understand that they weren’t so different from human society, maybe they could even come out of hiding for good. It was an exciting thought. It would be difficult to keep something so thrilling, so life-changing, a secret from his family. But he had to. He already knew they wouldn’t listen; if they found out they would try to stop him, and probably end up kidnapped by the Dragon Lord. They also might end up inadvertently changing Quease’s mind about mutants by attacking him. He needed to tread carefully; just like there were secrets he would never share with Quease about his family, he had to keep some things hidden from them too. For their own good. Years of discipline training and a deep understanding of how precarious his situation could possibly be if revealed kept him grounded as he returned home. If not for that, he probably would have been jumping and singing. As it was, he strolled back in with a bounce in his step and a big smile, which he could easily enough attribute to the fact that he’d just been to the recycling plant… supposedly. “Donnie!” Mikey leapt up from the couch as he entered. Raph and Leo were on the ground, arm-wrestling, it looked like. Venus perched on the couch next to Mikey, watching the competition. “Where’ve you been?” Mikey demanded. “I’m so bored!” “I told you guys I was recycling,” he replied, tip-toeing around Raph and Leo to sit at his desk. “You’ve been gone for hours,” Leo shouted, veins bulging. Donnie had to bite back a laugh, because Leo looked and sounded furious, but it was obviously because of the arm-wrestling. “It’s a nice day outside,” he replied easily. “Come boarding with me,” Mikey demanded. He liked skateboarding with Mikey, but the immediate bossiness didn’t exactly make Donnie feel cooperative. Besides, he was eager to get started on the tape Quease had shared with him. He’d said he was anxious to hear his thoughts. A real scientist wanted to hear Donnie’s thoughts about his research! “I’m busy,” he waved Mikey away. “Go with Venus.” Mikey and Venus exchanged uncertain looks. “I’m wrestling Raph next,” Venus supplied. “Wha—” Leo gave her a startled glance. “You’re wrestling the winner next! You don’t know that it’ll be—” His momentary distraction was all the opening Raph needed. With a grunt, he pinned Leo’s arm to the floor. “Don’t allow yourself to be distracted, Leo,” he teased. “It’s not the ninja way.” Leo let out a disappointed growl. “Destroy him for me, Venus!” The very same antics a day before probably would have annoyed Donnie; now a fond smile spread across his face. Venus had helped Raph win on purpose because she knew Leo would let her win and she hated that. Leo was genuinely unaware of all of this, but Raph understood it fully. It was all a pleasant backdrop to the most exciting night of Donnie’s life. Nothing could dampen his mood right now. “Come on, please go boarding with me?” Mikey whined, leaning over the back of Donnie’s chair. He did that to annoy him, but tonight it simply wouldn’t work. “Hey,” Mikey frowned severely as the data came up on the screen. “This is more of Quease’s junk.” “Yep,” Donnie replied cheerfully. “I’ve got a lot to learn!” “You shouldn’t be reading this stuff! Leo, tell him he shouldn’t be reading this stuff.” Leo marched over to put in his two cents. “Donnie! You know Master Splinter asked you not to.” Having two of them hover over him with angry glares was starting to get to him, but he could tune them out and focus on his work. This was a rare and exciting opportunity! “Ah, leave him alone,” Raph grunted. Donnie felt a swell of gratitude towards him, and then—“If the geek wants to drool all over some gunk Dr. Queasy wrote, let him. It’s not like he can do anything else.” Oh, but Raph was wrong. He was so wrong. Now that he had these notes from the worldwide expert, Donnie could do anything. He could create a computer model of the actual process of mutation… he could discover the specific composition of the ooze… he could replicate it! He could mutate or demutate at will! He could break things down to their molecular level and reassemble them in a genetically stable way. He could cure diseases, he could build a teleporter! A teleporter—he needed to tell that one to Dr. Quease! If they could catch the Dragon Lord off guard and transport him back to the mirror dimension, Dr. Quease would be free and they could really get to work on some world-changing projects! “You shouldn’t be going behind Master Splinter’s back,” Venus grunted, gasping as Raph regained some leverage. “See Donnie? You’re wrong and you’re a geek. Come on, put away this garbage and come boarding with me.” They could call him whatever they liked. He closed his eyes and remembered Dr. Quease, similarly hovering, but without a trace of judgment in his expression. Real awe and confidence in his face. Genius, he would say. Brilliant. Inspired. He hummed happily. “I have more important things to do right now. Go arm wrestle Venus.” “Hey,” Raph protested, “You don’t know that she’s gonna—” A grunt, followed by a frustrated sigh. Raph had been distracted, and Venus won. Donnie cracked his knuckled and leaned forward, slipping away from their crowded living room and into a world of formulas on a screen. He really was a genius.--There were little things, sometimes, that made him doubt. Stupid, barely noticeable moments, like when Donnie was excitedly explaining what he knew about genetics, and found Dr. Quease giving him sort of a blank look. Like the look Leo got when Mikey tried to explain the cultural significance of Goonies. As if Dr. Quease didn’t know what he was talking about. He dismissed the thought, of course, and felt ashamed for rambling. “Of course, you already know all that,” he’d chuckled shyly. Pursed lips and raised eyebrows had made Donnie feel incredibly small. He knew he annoyed his family sometimes when he went on and on about stuff they weren’t interested in, but the idea that he was so obnoxious he annoyed Dr. Quease really made him feel stupid. He was used to being the one to explain how things worked, but he needed to remember, Quease was the genius here. He ignored the sound of Mikey’s voice in the back of his mind screaming, egoist, fraud, total wacko. It was also difficult to remember how particular Quease could be about where Donnie stood. Closer, not too close, a little to the left. Donnie was used to working on his feet, moving back and forth a lot across the lab, and sometimes it seemed to annoy Dr. Quease when he moved from the spot he’d been directed to without asking first. It was—well, it was more than a little odd. If Donnie were the paranoid type, he’d think it was downright suspicious. Pure evil, Leo would say. But not Donnie. Donnie wasn’t afraid. He was careful; he was discreet and on alert. He didn’t need to be afraid. He had asked Quease about the Dragon Lord, and found out he agreed with them that he was a great evil who had been unleashed onto the world. The poor guy was just intimidated. After everything Quease had given him, Donnie was happy to share a little courage. What better weapon against evil than knowledge? Two brilliant scientists definitely had a shot defeating someone mirror dimension creature who still relied on archaic magic. And Quease had been delighted, emboldened. He loved the idea of the teleporter! And that proved that Donnie was right for trusting him; they should’ve sought out help from someone like him years ago. He probably would have made short work of Shredder. Admittedly, it made his stomach twist into horrified, guilty knots when Quease brought up the idea of animal testing. He wanted to cry. In fact, he almost did. Dr. Quease, ever patient, took it as a teaching opportunity; they had to test heir teleporter on something. Science was all about multiple trials. Donnie had a lot to learn about the proper standardized scientific process. He usually ended up testing stuff out in battle, and most of the time it had worked out fine. But of course, Dr. Quease was right. They couldn’t afford to try using their teleporter on the Dragon Lord and end up losing the element of surprise if it didn’t work properly. You shouldn’t be going behind Master Splinter’s back, Venus’s shrill tones made Donnie’s ears ring. He ignored it, ignored it, ignored it. His family would be appalled, terrified, paranoid. They weren’t scientists, that was all. They were afraid of what they didn’t understand. A bowl slamming down on the table in front of him made him jump. “Earth to Donnie,” Raph was waving a hand in front of his face. “You want peanut butter or not?” Donnie blinked sleepily, picking up his spoon and starting to eat without even thinking about it. “If we eliminate the randomness of reassembly, we could actually recreate the process of mutation,” he told them, unable to keep it to himself. As tired as he was, he was shaking with excitement. He didn’t even mind going jogging today. Raph exchanged an uncomfortable look with Mikey. Master Splinter sighed deeply. Donnie felt a little nervous, some of his naïve hope that they’d be more understanding if they only knew how useful his work with Quease could be evaporating. Still, it was exciting! Maybe he didn’t have the support from his family that he wanted, but Venus was right! This was an incredible journey, and it was turning out to be a lot easier than he’d even expected. The mysteries of his own existence were unraveling in his hands, simple as hotwiring a car.--Technically, Murphy’s Law was not solid science. It was a wise observation from an incredible scientific mind, Edward A. Murphy Jr., but he hadn’t been stating a hypothesis or intending to test it. He was just commenting on the difficulties of engineering. Well, Donnie was starting to think that maybe, possibly, Venus had a point that not everything was science. (Of course, he would never tell her that.) First, there was Raph and Mikey showing up in the lab while he and Quease worked. That was a disaster, and one which he should have realized was inevitable. He was going to tell them eventually! He just needed something to show for it first. They wouldn’t believe him that Quease was trustworthy without proof. He had hoped to be able to keep it secret until after the two of them sent the Dragon Lord back to the mirror dimension. Well, so much for that plan. And of course, it had to be the two of them. Raph’s trust and respect were behind high bars, and Mikey, for some reason, held so much contempt for Dr. Quease. He had to make the best of it; he made his stand. They hadn’t been willing to listen to an explanation, but maybe they’d respect a strong position. Or at least recognize that his feelings were hurt and maybe soften. He turned away from them and refused to go. He felt pretty stupid when they each took an arm and easily dragged him away. But his entire situation turned out to be much worse than he’d understood. They’d moved him just in time for him to watch Dr. Quease point an odd little remote directly at the spot he’d been seconds before. A purple, pulsing, electromagnetic field appeared. If Donnie had been caught in that, he would have been trapped. Easy to deliver to the Dragon Lord. Suddenly Quease’s odd particularity about where Donnie stood made sense, and that meant almost nothing else did. He followed his brothers passively back to the lair, head swirling with formulas and cell structures and unexpected emotions. He was totally dazed. The rest of the night passed around him as if he were watching it on TV instead of living it. Venus stood up for him. As hard a time as he’d been giving her, he would remember that forever. Master Splinter was really disappointed about his dishonesty. He told him he needed to earn back the trust of his team. Everything else was sort of a blur. It seemed like he’d hardly had time to realize, let alone process, that Dr. Quease’s help, his praise, his interest in defeating the Dragon Lord, had all been a lie before he had to confront him again. “If only you used your powers for good instead of evil.” “Then I’d never get anything done.” It was euphoric in a way; in the heat of battle they always thought on their feet, acted immediately. It wasn’t unusual at all that Donnie had to draw on what he already knew and act without thinking until the victory, then sit down and examine his own actions again with more time and less urgency. It was disorienting and disappointing, but this time it was really satisfying too. “As long as I’m around, you’ll never get anything done!” He smashed the teleporter, the high of victory keeping his mind far off of the hard work he’d put into it and the ways it could’ve helped them. He understood mutation now. He had answers to questions he’d been asking for years. He could see how chemical run-off from certain types of experiments could conceivably mix to create a genetic accelerant that latched onto mutations present in all types of cells and amplified them. He could articulate how those initially random mutations would interact in such a way as to lead to specific outcomes, creating four—five—intelligent humanoid ninja turtles. He knew how to trap the Dragon Lord. He could even begin to hypothesize why Raph tended to be more solitary, or why Leo had such difficulty with reading tone, or why running was so hard for him. But mostly, he’d learned that he wasn’t a real scientist. He could never hope to gain the respect of real scientists, and he wasn’t so sure he wanted to anymore. Mikey had been right from the beginning: Quease was a total wackazoid.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

It was a lot of up and down for a little while. When they got home that night he was still riding the high of telling Quease off face to face, and thrilled to have Mikey so excited to spend time with him. Boarding with Mikey was a blast. He hadn’t realized that he’d not been exercising other than their group jogs, and it felt really good to exert himself in a way that didn’t feel like a chore. Mikey didn’t bring up what had happened at all, and neither did Donnie. For the night, they were carefree kids again. The sewers were theirs, and there was nothing they could break that couldn’t be fixed. Unless of course they cracked their heads open, but what’s the fun without any risk? Then he got home and went instinctively towards his computer, then decided he didn’t want to go there, and then hovered around feeling lost in his own home until Raph pulled him into a spar. Which he lost badly. “Didn’t mean to hit you that hard,” Raph reiterated as he pressed the frozen peas against Donnie’s shoulder. He put a hand up to accept them and tried to speak with dignity around his bloodshot eyes. “It wasn’t that hard.” Raph kept his gaze politely away from Donnie’s tear-streaked face. “Right, yeah. It was a close match. You’re probably just tired.” It didn’t normally bother him to lose spars at all, and Raph really hadn’t hit him that hard. He didn’t have the energy to analyze why a controlled hit during a spar had felt so much like a slap in the face, let alone try to explain it to Raph. Sure, he felt like an idiot for what had happened. But it was over now. It would be nice if his mind and body could catch up already and stop feeling like he was in danger. “Yeah,” he croaked, “Just tired.” They sat together in silence for a long stretch. Mikey was already snoring in the other room by the time Donnie realized the tangly, sick feeling deep in his gut came from the notion of being watched. Raph’s eyes weren’t even on him, but neither had Quease’s been. There was still an uncomfortable sense of scrutiny. It took him even longer to realize why, in spite of that discomfort, he couldn’t bring himself to get up and felt an inexplicable spike of panic whenever Raph shifted a bit as if he might. When Venus bid them both goodnight and disappeared into her room, an overwhelming sense of loneliness washed over him, and he had to bite his tongue to keep from calling out to Raph like a helpless child. He didn’t want to be alone, and if he didn’t get to bed soon then Raph would first and that’s exactly what would happen. But he also didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay right in Raph’s vicinity, in arms reach of help whenever he needed, without feeling like he was being coddled or guarded so he wouldn’t sneak out or— 
If we’re going to work together you’re going to have to actually come in.

Closer, closer.

Ah, that’s close enough.
 Whatever it was people called what Quease had been doing. Or was there even a word for pretending to be someone’s lab partner in order for the chance to experiment on them, stringing them along with words of praise while carefully controlling where they stood and when they spoke and who else they told about the situation? Anyway, it wasn’t fair that no matter what he imagined Raph or himself doing, it left him feeling hollow and vulnerable. He’d already put his family through so much, he didn’t want to be so difficult to take care of. Leo finally got out of the shower, and Raph left to get in. Forced to action by panic, Donnie scrambled over to Leo, claiming a spot next to him on the couch as they settled in for the night. Leo did a confused double-take, shrugged, and then got up to put the frozen peas away. Donnie squeezed his eyes shut and pretended that wasn’t mortifying. But he woke up the next day feeling great again. He was up with Splinter and Venus, making everyone their favorite breakfast, and ready to suggest jogging to Leo the second he’d rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. And it felt good. He and Raph lagged behind, but they kept up a steady pace, and Donnie’s thoughts unraveled like yarn trailing behind him as they went, the tangly feeling fading like a barely noticeable bruise. He could look back and identify the things that should have made him suspicious. He wouldn’t make a mistake like that again. He’d come through this stronger and smarter, and his family stood with him even though he’d been a punk. For a while he just enjoyed being with them, training, playing games, watching movies, barely remembering he had anything to be upset about. But, inevitably, something about eye color came up and his mind was working at top speed way past the conversation, because he’d been thinking about genetics nonstop since Friday, nearly a whole week ago, and for just a second he got excited to share what he’d just learned to explain the main character’s heterochromia. Then he remembered why he knew it, and deflated. He couldn’t muster up the energy to be any fun to be around after that, and of course everyone noticed. For a while he stuck close to Master Splinter, almost feeling like he had to prove, maybe as much to himself as anyone, that he belonged with Splinter and not with Quease. He was choosing his wise, softspoken, unknown Sensei over the educated scientist with his over-inflated ego and lab full of equipment. He was pathetically late, but still. Splinter was incredibly tolerant of it; he scooted his chair over to make room when Donnie sat right next to him at mealtimes, opened his newspaper a little wider when Donnie leaned over the couch to watch him read, reaching up to pat his arm when he hovered by him while the others wrestled or played cards. But then he also started positioning himself subtly closer to Donnie’s computer. Maybe he was subconsciously just sitting closer to where he usually sat, maybe he was purposely trying to bait him back into his old hobbies. Either way, it was mortifying. When that happened, he tended to seek out a sibling rather than face the building mess of emotions opening one of his projects again would bring up. This time, Raph was out, and Mikey was showing Leo something in the kitchen that Donnie didn’t particularly want to see, or smell, or hear about. Master Splinter was seated on the far end of the couch right next to Donnie’s computer—not his usual spot at all—and smiled pleasantly as he walked by. He beelined for the subway car, where Venus was—well, doing whatever she did. Clearing her mind or aligning her spirit or something else equally nebulous. He didn’t usually disturb her while she was messing with magic, but Mikey did it often enough and she hadn’t clobbered him, so he figured it was safe. She was cross-legged in the middle of a bunch of scrolls, leaning over them with a focused scowl. She jumped when he opened the door. “You could knock first.” “Sorry,” he let himself in and closed the door behind him, trying to think of some kind of excuse for disturbing her. “Are you busy?” She pursed her lips and blinked, but had the grace not to spread her arms out pointedly towards the scrolls in front of her. He tried not to look too fidgety and pathetic, but he must have anyway, because her face softened and she pulled some papers aside. “Come sit.” He settled himself into a butterfly pose to match hers. “What are you reading?” “It is a collection of incantations to help the growth of plants,” she explained, “But I am using it to study the language.” “Oh.” He thought he should probably ask a follow-up question, but he had no idea where to start, and truthfully, he was overwhelmed by the idea of magic on a good day. Today was not a good day. “It’s alright, I know you are not interested in magic. We can get one of your science books, or a board game. Master Splinter has been trying to teach me chess.” Her immediate willingness to set aside what she was doing and spend time with him was both comforting and guilt-inducing. He hadn’t been making time for his siblings since he started meeting with Quease. She had let him into her space, it was only fair they did what she liked.  “I’m gonna try meditating,” he decided, straightening his posture and closing his eyes. “Ah,” her voice was tinged with amusement. “Have a good nap, then.” His eyes flew open in indignation. “Hey! I didn’t fall asleep last time.” “You didn’t meditate last time,” she replied. “You spent the entire session trying to persuade me to go after Quease with you.” He felt himself deflate involuntarily, and her smirk vanished. He tried to smile again, but he couldn’t quite make it convincing. He better just close his eyes and meditate. It would probably help him, anyway, freeing his spirit or whatever she called it. He wasn’t going to fall asleep this time. He was completely focused on—what was he supposed to focus on? She hadn’t ever really been clear about that. One thing was for sure, whatever it was wasn’t mutations or genetic code or biological processes of any kind, even though she called it an internal process which brought up all kinds of other questions. He tried to remember what it had felt like when they were finally able to dream-walk. They were completely unified by the singular goal of rescuing Master Splinter. He had felt invincible then, as part of one harmonious unit. Although, it definitely wouldn’t be accurate to say he hadn’t been thinking about biology, with Master Splinter being sick. So maybe it was less what he thought about and more how he thought about it? He was getting nowhere fast. “Hey, Venus?” “Hm?” He tried to focus his thoughts in on a question, preferably one she could answer as simply as possible. ‘What does meditation help with’ was definitely off the table if he wanted to avoid a whole lecture. He already knew ‘what am I supposed to be focusing on’ would more than likely frustrate her—and to be fair, it was a question he often used to express frustration more than to seek an answer. He bit his lip. “Do you think if I was more spiritually in tune, I would’ve known what would happen with Dr. Quease?” She glanced at him, looking thoughtful, and then rolled up the scroll in front of her and moved all of them further to the side. “I’m honestly not sure that would have made a difference,” she admitted. “We all knew because he had kidnapped you before.” He placed his elbows on his knees and rested his chin miserably in his hands. “But he let us go,” he felt desperate to defend himself. “He had three of us! I don’t get it. Why would he let three turtles go just to capture one?” He had tried to ask Dr. Quease the same question: why take the time to gain his trust, just to end up right back where they’d started? With three of them he’d had turtles enough to experiment on and appease the Dragon Lord, and it wasn’t like Donnie was the one providing the equipment needed to build the teleporter. What could he possibly gain, except some sick satisfaction? And if it was just that, why did he hate Donnie so much? “I don’t know,” Venus admitted. “Are you really sure that he—” A noise right outside made them both jump. “You may knock if you would like to join their conversation!” Master Splinter’s voice, and the firm knock of his staff against the ground, came muffled through the wall. “But Sensei—” “Come in,” Venus called pointedly. Leo and Mikey entered with their heads bowed sheepishly. Master Splinter followed with a stern expression. “I told you spying wouldn’t work,” Leo shot at Mikey. Mikey whirled to face him. “It did too work! We’re here now, aren’t we?” He trailed off as he finished, halting in front of Venus’s severe look and Donnie’s downcast eyes. Leo sat down next to him and put an arm around him. Immediately, Donnie broke down into sobs. Venus pressed into his other side, and between them he let himself just fall apart. Mikey and Splinter sat in front of them, and like Raph had the other night, they just waited. And like the other night, being profoundly grateful somehow didn’t stop him from also being utterly humiliated. “I’m sorry,” he sniffled when he could catch his breath. “I-i-it’s not you guys.” Another sob burst out, and he pulled his hands away from his siblings to cover his face. “There is no shame in letting out your emotions,” Master Splinter said softly. “I just,” he hiccupped, “I just feel so stupid!” “It wasn’t your fault,” Venus said fiercely. “You just wanted to give Quease a chance. He’s the one who chooses to let the Dragon Lord control him.” “But everyone tried to warn me and I wouldn’t listen.” Master Splinter put a paw on his cheek, and he finally looked up. “I could have listened better to you. I fear I set a bad example by blaming you for your misfortune.” “You were just trying to protect me.” Master Splinter shook his head. “My intentions were good, as were yours. My mistakes are less excusable. While you saw the best in one who had already let you down, I saw the worst in one who has continuously impressed me.” Donnie leaned forward to rest his head, as well as he could, against Master Splinter’s chest. “I shouldn’t have lied.” “I shouldn’t have made you feel you had no other options. Whether we understand it or not, Quease’s scientific work was important to you. I was obstinate because I was afraid to lose you.” “We all were,” Leo rubbed Donnie’s carapace. “We’re really glad you’re safe.” He allowed himself a few more moments to soak in the warmth of his family’s acceptance and forgiveness, then sat back up with a huge breath. Just as they were all standing up, they hard Raph returning. “Yo, Don! Donnie? Leo? Hey, where is everybody?” “We’re in here, Raphael,” Master Splinter called. Raph poked his head into Venus’s room. He had a stack of papers tucked under one arm. “What, did I miss the pity party?” “You did miss it,” Leo said severely. “Leo got caught eavesdropping,” Mikey reported cheerfully. “Wha—you!” Leo protested. Raph held his hand out for a fist bump, and Mikey rose to oblige. “Hey,” Raph smacked the papers against Donnie’s plastron. “Found something for you.” Donnie grabbed them and held them back to look. Multi-Generational Effects of Random Mutation in Monarch Butterflies, by Abigail Finn. There were illustrations, too; apparently Raph had gone to the effort of printing in color. “Quease isn’t the only mutation scientist out there,” Raph said. “You shouldn’t give up just because of that creep.” The idea of going back to his work, even tinkering unrelated to mutation, still made him feel a bit sick. But he couldn’t deny this was exciting. He gave Raph a grateful smile. It had taken two close calls with the world’s biggest creep, who also happened to be the leading expert in mutation, to get there, but Donnie was ready to stop relying so heavily on one other person’s research and keep himself stuck on the same scientific topic. Respected methodology or not, he was a scientist, an inventor, and he could find a way to make the Dragon Lord go away. It would take time, but he could find anything he put his mind to. And this time, he had his family’s support.