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The morning after her 18th birthday, Maria left the small village that had been her shelter and set out for the world alone.Her nomadic childhood had set deep in her core a need to move and travel and experience, and the three short years at the village had bordered on painful as she grieved in a house stuck in place. The village people couldn’t comprehend her nomadic heart, and their urges and warnings of the dangers and challenges of the world fell on deaf ears.So at dawn, the day after she became an adult, Maria walked out of the village with nothing but a bag on her back containing food, clothes, and a small amount of money, and her staff in her hand.She supposed that the urge to learn under a wise master had come from her inability to see, which had resulted in a natural dependence on others to instruct her. Her lack of knowledge in the arcane nature of her own abilities left her to seek out places of magical teachings, searching for great libraries containing ancient knowledge and well-established arcane schools of magic and teachers both big and small.Many places rejected her, some simply on sight. If it wasn’t her mixed heritage, then it was her sorcerous origins. Or her blindness. Or her gender. Or she wasn’t old enough. Or she wasn’t young enough. Or she didn’t come from the right place. Or she didn’t have a reference. Or they didn’t take “her kind”, and she never knew what exactly they were referring to when they said that. She learned to hide her source of magic out of habit and spoke nothing of her origin other than to say that she had been studying magic from a variety of teachers. The words themselves were the truth, but their phrasing led most to believe she was a wizard.And she did slowly find teachers. Many of them were teachers of a small group or a retired magic user willing to pass on knowledge, with some being innately magical like herself and others taught and learned. And for everyone she met, she took a certain impression away, and she left a certain impression behind. But no impression Maria had left nor taken away was quite like Lo’Nactha.Lo’Nactha could have been considered a monastery for the arcane arts; not exactly hidden, but not exactly well-known either. There were about 30 to 40 students at any given time, all at different places in their teaching journey. Some came and went within weeks, others had stayed for years to learn and study under the wise teachings of High Master Nihjo. The High Master taught with wisdom and knowledge and kindness and patience. He saw the blind half-elf who stopped at the monastery door in the early light of morning, begging to be taught, and looked past her physical form to welcome her in.There were many kinds of people in Lo’Nactha from many backgrounds, locations, childhoods, and races, and surprisingly Maria hardly stood out with her half-pointed ears and faded milky eyes (this was in the days before she found Abra, who certainly would have made her the talk of the school). High Master Nihjo himself was a shorter man with a pinched face and small pointed ears with fair skin and large black eyes, short for human standards but not abnormally so. There was also Selvara, a tall but young elf with stunning long hair whiter than the moon’s light and with crystal blue eyes clearer than ice. She took Maria under her wing upon sight, assuming that being ‘taken under her wing’ involved being roommates, sharing meals together, spending long and often late hours reading books about history and complex arcane knowledge, Selvara constantly yabbering excitedly away to an attentively listening Maria, and nicknames that Selvara was insistent on, calling Maria “Mary” within a matter of hours, so it was only fair that Maria started calling her “Selvie” in turn with a laugh in her voice.They quickly became very close friends.High Master Nihjo was the main teacher of Lo’Nactha, with Master Kan and Master Penny covering more specialised topics. They ran a knowledge-based school, with lessons most certainly aimed for those who taught themselves magic but Maria knew that even those naturally gifted could learn through knowledge. Since no one ever asked, she never revealed her true magical source. Selvara and Maria learnt side by side under the clear stars and the crisp night air and under the shade sheltered from the midday sun’s heat.Selvara was known as a kind and attentive student who was eager to learn and discover and grow. Maria quickly established herself as a student of sharp wit and discernment, cutting to the heart of the issue and asking questions beyond the surface level. The two of them soon gathered a small group of assorted friends, but none clicked quite as nicely as Maria and Selvara did.Of course, nice things couldn’t last.Only half-isolated as it was, word of the mage war still passed through Lo’Nactha frequently. Many of the students and teachers didn’t appear to care much, far too focused on their studies and learning, save for Selvara. Maria had spent just over four months at Lo’Nactha when one mid-afternoon, in the company of their small group of friends and in the hearing of the other students studying and passing by, the white-haired elf spoke her mind (as one did in Lo’Nactha).“I’ve been researching the two major mage guilds, the Daybreaks and the Nightfalls,” Selvara said, calm and curious but excited none the less. “Their history is rather interesting as are their beliefs, but their actions have made me curious.”Selvara yabbered on, discussing this and discussing that and while Maria cared for her friend, she utterly zoned out. She had no interest in the guilds, in the war, and all the polarising patriotic talk made her sick. But she snapped back to attention rather quicky when she heard Selvara say “-Daybreaks really have got it right about this whole thing-““I’m sorry, pardon me,” Maria interrupted, quite suddenly but this was important. “Could you repeat your sentence Selvara? I think I may have missed a bit.”“Oh! I’m sorry, I must have spoken too fast,” Selvara immediately apologised, understanding and kind. “I said that when you consider the Daybreak’s theology and their beliefs regarding the magical world, they really have it right about this whole thing. They understand the nature of the world far more than the Nightfalls have.”“What exactly makes you believe that?” Maria asked. “Could you give me specific examples?”“Certainly!” Selvara produced her ‘notebook’ (a massively large tome with pages nearly falling out from overuse). She flicked through the pages, searching for one specifically as she spoke. “I’ve been examining their written history and comparing it to other records and I haven’t found any inconsistencies as of yet- Ah, here! Well, there are several examples but I feel that this is the best.”Selvara began to give arguments for her beliefs in true scholar fashion, providing evidence and support. And for every argument she brought up, Maria had a rebuttal, and for every evidence she presented, Maria proved it wasn’t applicable. From the supposed origins of the Great Explosion to the workings of the gods to modern-day events, every claim Selvara had for the Daybreaks, Maria had a way to prove it wasn’t reliable. Their debate grew quite a crowd and their small group of friends swelled to most of the students at Lo’Nactha as Selvara’s voice became raised in annoyance at all her evidence being discredited, while Maria was as calm and unmoving as a rock in a storm-tossed sea.“Alright fine,” Selvara yielded finally, her tome long-since shut. “I yield, you have made your point, we don’t know the truth of the past and everything we know must be viewed with an open mind and compared with other documents. But that doesn’t change that wild magic users such as druids and sorcerers frequently abuse magic to their own ends and destroy nature! They cannot learn how to control their magic-““I disagree,” Maria calmly interrupted but with a firm edge to her voice. “Many druids and sorcerers care not to learn, that is true, but that does not apply to all of us. To say they cannot learn is like saying the skies never give rain simply because it is often sunny. I am here to learn after all.”“Well yes Mary, but you’re a wizard,’ Selvara said with some of her light-hearted laugh coming back. “But sor-““I never said I was a wizard.”The words cut off Selvara’s words, a silence falling on the crowds. “I… what?” Selvara asked.Maria raised her chin slightly, staring blindly into the void. “I’m not a wizard. I’ve never said what I was and I let you all assume, which I understand was misleading of me and I will ask for forgiveness for that in time. But my magic was never taught to me. It was given to me by the earth, by the gods, and by the forces of fate that tie us all in her complicated quilt. I choose to seek out teachers to learn, that I may understand my magic and use it safely and wisely. But…” She raised her hand and dancing lights popped into existence around it without a single word of incantation, spinning and weaving intricate patterns the blind half-elf could not see, but rather feel. “I am first and foremost, a sorceress. Not a wizard.”The gathered people were in shock, Selvara most of all. It was true that Lo’Nactha accepted all people but as Maria had so aptly pointed out, sorcerers rarely sought out teachers. Externally, Maria was calm and unmoved but her heart hammered in her chest and the wind roared in her ears. She could not see the reactions of those around her but she could feel the eyes piercing her, judging her, analysing her.“You’re a-?” Selvara cleared her throat as she recovered. “But-But that’s not right, sorcerers can’t be taught, their magic is different from the rest of ours.”“Is it?” Maria asked. “Because my studies under Master Kan have taught that all magic is from a common source, which means that sorcerer, wizard, druid, or cleric, our magic shares the same mystical origins. Besides, I have been taught here, have I not? And you all have seen how my magic has grown and been shaped by the teachings here. Anyone can learn. You just need teachers willing to teach, and a heart willing to be taught.”“Well that explains why you can pick up spells so easily, but at least I can still beat you in levitation,” one of Maria’s other friends grinned, drawing a hesitant wave of chuckles and a giggle from Maria.“Natural talent is probably the wrong phrase to use but yes, I just can’t seem to get the levitation spells right. But that’s to be expected. We all have different talents and abilities, even in magic. Does that make any one of us wrong or right? Or make one of us somehow less of a being than another?”Her point had been clearly made, and many of the students went away considering the possibilities of magical learning. Selvara spoke little, avoiding Maria in their evening classes but the two shared a room and Selvara could not avoid her forever as Maria was able to catch her for a few moments before they slept.“Selvara, I understand if you do choose to support the Daybreaks,” Maria told her in her calm way. “You are always so understanding of difficult concepts and your ability to find the connections between pieces of information is something I’m a little envious of. I only ask that you carefully think this war through.”“Because you agree with the Nightfalls?” Selvara’s voice betrayed nothing of her emotions (which set off alarm bells in Maria’s mind that she silenced. Selvara had only ever been good to her).“I agree with neither side,” Maria admitted. “A life under the Daybreaks is one where I die for something I have no control over. But the Nightfalls destroy everything in their path, and that’s not how magic is supposed to be used.” Phantom smells of woodsmoke and blood clouded Maria’s mind and she took a deep breath. “I just… Think about it, please? You have such a wonderful potential, and I’d hate for it to be twisted by propaganda that only serves to turn family against family.”Selvara gave a soft sigh that Maria was familiar with, and she knew there was a small smile on the elf’s face as a hand rested on her shoulder. “You’re always so perceptive Maria, even without your sight. I promise I’ll think about it. And I’ll expand my research to look deeper into the Nightfalls too, and the origins of sorcerers and wizards alike.”Maria put her hand over Selvara’s and smiled at her friend. “Thank you, Selvie.”A few months went by and the conversation all but faded from Maria’s mind. She did her studies alongside everyone else, studying hard and learning much, but even blindness couldn’t stop her from seeing the changes around her. The small group of friends she and Selvara had grew smaller still, some leaving Lo’Nactha and others finding different students to spend time with. Conversations stopped happening around Maria, some cutting off abruptly as she approached. Master Kan even suggested he give her private lessons, and his reasoning of “A private tutoring will be more beneficial for your learning capabilities” wasn’t enough for Maria to simply forget the sounds of people leaving when she entered his classes, nor that she had been learning perfectly well in his classes for over half a year.She had hoped it wouldn’t happen, but it was inevitable she supposed: The war and its history had given them a wariness of sorcerers. History stated that sorcerers were destructive after all. Maria had hoped that with time, they would lose that fear and life would return to what it had been. But it was not to be as she was summoned to High Master Nihjo’s study one early morning.“High Master Nihjo,” she greeted once she felt the hard stone turn to soft bamboo flooring. “You wished to see me?”“Maria, come sit,” the Master greeted, setting down a teacup with a clink that gave Maria the distance she required to walk forward and sit down cross-legged, resting her staff beside her. “One sugar with the tea, correct?”“Yes please,” the sorceress answered. Then boldly but politely, she asked “Master Nihjo, I would prefer if you did not labour on the pleasantries, please.”The short man must have seen the anxiety in Maria’s eyes because he sighed slightly and moved her hands to press them against the warm cup. “I understand. I know that you are a sorceress, and I will admit that I am not surprised, nor am I condemning. But as I am sure you have noticed, Lo’Nactha has changed since you revealed yourself. Our students are leaving, and the air is nervous and frigid like the winter mornings.”“Because people are scared of me.” Maria’s voice was flat, full of the tired resignation she felt in her core. “Even though I have done nothing against them, they fear me because of something I have no control over.”“Life is never fair, Maria. That is why it is beautiful,” Master Nihjo replied. “Under normal circumstances, I would simply let the fear fade into acceptance. We have had many students here, and some from strange or foreign backgrounds, and the fear has always faded. But this is… not a normal circumstance.”Maria’s blind eyes rose and from pure luck, they fixed with uncanny accuracy on Master Nihjo’s gaze. He, however, was not afraid of her. “A friend of yours brought her concerns to me and the points she raised were things I could not simply put aside. History speaks for itself, after all, and your kind has unfortunately sullied your reputation.”“You’re asking me to leave,” Maria murmured.“I am afraid I have no choice,” Master Nihjo replied. “But that does not mean I shall be casting you out empty handed. I have put together a list of teachers I know will take you in and others who I am less confident in, but they may surprise me. I have already sent word for a courier to escort you to one of my kin who will give you a place to stay for as long as you need, and he will be able to contact the other teachers on your behalf.”His words did not fall on deaf ears, but they fell on a mournful heart that only broke more at the sigh given by the Master. “I know this is sudden, Maria. My duty is to my school and its students, but while you are still one of them, I will guide you where I can. You have learned much here, but there is more to learn elsewhere in the world, and it is your time to leave and grow in a way you will not grow here.”Maria smiled softly with sad eyes. “I understand. Thank you, High Master Nihjo. I will collect my belongings at once.” She rose and picked up her staff and exited, leaving behind her untouched tea.Maria had been expecting to be moved on but that did not mean that she was ready for it. She packed her few belongings with lethargic actions. She never possessed enough for it to overfill a backpack, so all too quickly she had located the last of her things and organising them to pack when she heard the door open.“You’re leaving?” Selvara’s voice asked from the doorway, gentle and sad.Maria sighed. “Master Nihjo asked me to. He said it would be best. I’m sorry Selvie.”The blind woman heard the elf’s footsteps approach and hands pick up her few small books, helping her slide them securely into her bag. “I’m sorry too, Mary. But this is for the best.”Maria froze. “A friend of yours brought her concerns to me.” “But that doesn’t change that wild magic users such as druids and sorcerers frequently abuse magic to their own ends and destroy nature! They cannot learn how to control their magic!”Maria spun around. “It was you!” she exclaimed with a rare edge of the anger that filled her being. “You told Master Nihjo to make me leave!”“Maria I-““Was it Selvara? Was this all you?!”Maria didn’t want to believe it, she was already praying she was wrong, but…“Sorcerers cannot learn, Maria. It’s not safe for you to be here.”Maria snatched up her bag and her staff and stormed out without another word, only Selvara followed her and insisted on filling the gaps left by the blind woman.“Maria please! I’m looking out for you! You don’t realise how dangerous you are, you could hurt people!” Selvara tried to explain with a pleading voice. “Sorcerers are some of the only magic-users who use no spellcasting focus and no way to channel their magic! Your magic is unstable, it’s unnatural! I’m not saying that it’s evil, but you know how dangerous it is, Maria! You know the stories!”“Stories that have been spread and exaggerated by the fearful, and are used as a means for political gain,” Maria snapped back. “My spellcasting focus is that which is not physical and somehow that is an issue?”“That’s not what I’m saying-““Yes it is!” Maria spun around, heedless that they were now in the courtyard of Lo’Nactha as she verbally sparred once more with her friend. “How is it unnatural if I was born with it? How is it unnatural if nature gifted it to me? I am educating myself, I am teaching myself how to use it safely, why is that wrong?!”“Because your magic doesn’t work like ours, Maria!” Selvara protested. “You told me to do my research and I did, and the research says that sorcerers are different and far too powerful and their magic is far too different. You cannot be taught! Your magic cannot be controlled!”Maria spun around and continued storming off but Selvara would not be deterred no matter how much she was ignored. “You’re more powerful than you realise Maria, and no mortal is meant to be trusted with that power! You will kill yourself and take everyone else down with you! Why won’t you listen to me, I’m trying to help you!”“Because you understand all of the evidence before you except one,” Maria replied cooly, stopping once again so that she could stare in the direction of Selvara’s voice. The elf had always been taller than Maria, but now that distance felt far greater. “You ignore the fact that I have been here for months and never once have I lashed out, and never once has my magic done what I have not commanded it to do, and never once have I shown myself to be dangerous. I am not like the other sorcerers, Selvara. Perhaps it is because of my blindness, or perhaps because I have been taught since I was young!”“That proves nothing!” Selvara snapped. She could see the crowd of students that were surrounding them and the grand entrance to Lo’Nactha several feet behind Maria, but her focus was only on the stubborn half-elf before her. “Just because your magic hasn’t lashed out yet doesn’t mean that it never will! If you truly don’t want to hurt anyone, then give up your magic! Join us fully, Maria! Learn magic as we do; the right way, the safe way! Please!”Selvara didn’t want to lose her friend, but the hurt hiding underneath Maria’s stern expression and the weariness of her tone said that she’d already lost her. “If I asked you to rip out your own eyes before I could accept you, you would call me a fool and intolerant. And yet you ask me to do the same with my magic? I cannot give it up anymore than you can stop the sun from rising or the moon from gazing upon us. You ask the impossible of me.”“It’s not impossible, Maria. There are ways, as there are always ways.”Maria’s chin rose slightly. “I will not give up my magic. If you cannot accept me as I am, then I will not waste the effort to make you accept me at all.”“Then you’re the fool, Maria,” Selvara hissed. “I’ve read the history, I know your kind. You’ll destroy everyone! Maria, your own magic will tear you and the whole world apart!”“Then so be it!” Maria snapped, pushed beyond the breaking point. “If the world cannot accept a majority because of the actions of a minority, then perhaps the world deserves to be wiped out and started afresh! Do not hide behind claims of history Selvara, I know your allegiance, I know you follow the Daybreaks. They will destroy magic, because if magic cannot exist chaotically in nature, then it cannot exist peacefully in creatures. There must be a balance.”“The balance has been upset by your kind for eons, and it must be set to right. You are not welcome here, Maria. No one of your kind is.”“We were friends, Selvara-““If I’d known what you were from the start, I never would have spoken to you.”Those firm and detached words cut to a part of Maria she didn’t know she had, knocking the wind out of her. “Is that the truth?” she asked softly.“It is,” Selvara replied firmly.All the students of Lo’Nactha had gathered around them who saw Maria’s shoulders straighten and the hand on her staff tighten as a cold hand closed over her heart. The Masters who had also gathered were waiting a little back, being waved back by High Master Nihjo who knew that any of them stepping in now would only escalate things worse. Later, he wondered if he made the wrong call as Maria spoke in a voice seeped in bitter regret.“I understand. Then I will leave, but know this, Selvara: Through your actions you have betrayed a friend, someone who trusted you with the secrets of her heart, who trusted you in a world that is dark and unknown. I don’t want you to become the sort of person who casts aside those who trust you like I did. So I will give you a lesson.” She slowly raised her free hand, her open palm and slightly curled fingers facing Selvara. “A lesson so you remember the consequences of betraying someone like you’ve just betrayed me. And a lesson that perhaps sorcerers are only dangerous because everyone turns upon them like you have.”Lightning arced out of Maria’s hand, connecting the two in a bright blaze of light accompanied by the crackling of energy and Selvara’s scream. The students surged away in a panic as the elf convulsed and collapsed as soon as the magic stopped, twitching a little on the ground. The Masters rushed forward, Masters Kan and Penny rushing to Selvara and immediately beginning to tend to her while High Master Nihjo stood between the two ex-friends, already turning to Maria with his mouth open to tell her to leave-Only to find that the sorceress was already walking down the path and out of sight.Maria did not look back at Lo’Nactha after that. She did not take up High Master Nihjo’s suggestions for teachers, and she did not stay where he had recommended, and from that day on she wore her sorcerous origins with pride and didn’t try to hide who she was. As far as Lo’Nactha were concerned, she had vanished entirely. A week later, a knock came on High Master Nihjo’s study door and he called the knocker in, expecting the elf who entered. “Selvara, take a seat, please,” he offered, already pouring her tea. The elf politely did as asked, carefully picking up her dainty cup and taking a gentle sip. Master Nihjo’s eyes ran over the bandages that were wrapped around her face, leaving only her mouth and one eye bared. “How are you healing?”“I’m healing well, regardless of what the bandages may suggest,” Selvara said with the faintest trace of a laugh. “The wounds weep frequently, which is why Master Penny still has them wrapped. In another week or so, they should be healed enough to leave bare.”“And what about the wounds that go beyond the physical?” the Master asked.Selvara thought about it for a moment, setting down her cup. “It hurts, but I have been given lots of time to think about it, and the more I think, the more I cannot see fault with my actions. I did what I thought was best to protect Lo’Nactha and its students, and to protect Maria. It is her own choice that she did not take it. I cannot control the consequences of her actions.”“It is very wise of you to see that,” the Master said. “But you should not have had to bear those consequences. Her actions are mere support of what you warned me of, and I am glad at least that we removed the danger before it could have damaged more of our students.” He gave a sigh. “It is a shame still. Maria had such potential here at Lo’Nactha, but it cannot be helped. What of the future, Selvara? Do you intend to continue your studies here at Lo’Nactha or to learn elsewhere?”“Here, Master Nihjo,” Selvara immediately answered. “Lo’Nactha has been good to me, and its teachings wise and sound. There is nowhere else I would rather learn.” In time, High Master Nihjo passed on and was buried in a place of honour. He had named his successor some weeks before and so, with ceremony to match, High Master Selvara rose to lead Lo’Nactha. She was a kind and stern Master, holding herself with all the grace, poise, power, and wisdom of her elven nature. Lo’Nactha flourished under her care, swelling in students and Masters and becoming an ever-growing source of knowledge and magic. Everyone was welcomed in Lo’Nactha, but those of sorcerous or druidic magic were given a choice: either they rejected their magic and join Lo’Nactha as people of learned magic, true magic, or they were turned away.But there was one sorceress whom Selvara would never forget. How could she, when large arcs of lightning were permanently scarred across her face and her left eye was rendered a milky white. Whenever she looked in her reflection, she saw the mark Maria had left, the lesson Maria had engraved into her skin. And Selvara remembered the price of betraying a friend, and it was an act she never committed again. And she also remembered the danger of sorcerers and their magic, hence her new condition for sorcerers and druids who sought to enter Lo’Nactha.But Maria? Oh, Selvara was certain that Maria was still alive and learning, and if she happened to return to Lo’Nactha, Selvara would welcome her back with open arms and would give her a lesson in return for the scars on her face. A lesson in justice, if you will. Revenge if you were less open-minded. It would be a lesson that she was certain the sorceress would never forget.If only because by the end of Selvara’s lesson, Maria would be dead.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
There were four things that, to Maria, sealed her fate.
The first was Selvara’s voice. Well, her presence really, but an upset and hurt Selvara was one Maria could talk to, one that could forgive and be forgiven. The Selvara who spoke to her had a heart made cold with hurt and a mind poisoned by hate. It was the voice of someone Maria could not convince.
The second was the “No” delivered with sharp, cold certainty. “You are just another hot-blooded, short-tempered, unnatural, destructive wreck of a creature who deserves to be struck from the record of this world” said the High Master (words that hurt more than Maria let herself realise) but still Maria tried. If she could not convince with calm reason then she would with stern demands.
The third was Selvara’s command for a staff to be brought for Maria to fight with. There was no escaping then. This fight was one Selvara would make no matter Maria said, and she would rather it be here when she could hear Selvara before her instead of later, when Selvara might instead choose to stab her in the back.
The fourth sign wasn’t Selvara’s obvious contempt for her. It wasn’t Selvara taking pleasure in this battle. It wasn’t Selvara’s hatred, or her strength, or even the subtle failing of Maria’s magic as if she didn’t
really
want to hurt her ex-friend of so many years ago.
The fourth sign is her reaction to the tree.
Maria hears the crackling as wood starts to snap and she feels the heat of fire on her back. Her breathing comes in gasps that make the sting of blood speckling her chest and arms burn, but her heart is still beating and her violin can still play. Her first reaction isn’t to run through the portal to safety, to run to the others, to ensure her survival, or even to get back-up for this fight. Her first reaction is to suck away what little life the tree still has to heal herself so that she can endure long enough to finish this. And for a split moment, Maria is…
terrified
.
For a split moment, Maria realises what she’s risking. She’s risking the Diviner not knowing what is happening, she is risking help not coming in time, she is risking
dying
… She’s risking never again hearing Chi Pin laugh, or one of the ghosts excitedly greeting the day, or feeling Amros’ heat as he grumbled and slouched from his room, or hearing the softness of Bran’s voice on those rare times he let his guard down, or Bran’s laugh, or the music he’d brought into her life, or the feeling of his tears on her shoulder, or the way his hand held hers when he guided her. She is risking losing whatever the future has in store for her.
But if she goes back… If she leaves this fight now, not only would she lose her only chance of changing this aspect of the war, she risks bringing Selvara’s full rage against Thor Aru itself, with all the power of Lo’Nactha. She might save her own life, but how many others would die? How many others would Selvara hurt, and how many more students would be injured or killed in a fight they were forced to take part in? All because of Maria?
All those thoughts pass through Maria’s mind in a moment, a split second, and she makes her choice. She drains the life from the tree (she waited too long, she gains too little, not
enough
for what she needs to do) and she wishes she had more
time
, but time is what she does not have.
She speaks to the students anyway. She urges them to leave, but she knows her appearance speaks of someone losing their fight against the students’ leader and she isn’t surprised when she doesn't hear anyone listening to her. Still, she tries, and she turns back to her once-friend, and she doesn’t let herself think of who is waiting in Thor Aru for her to return.
"You cast me out of a home, Selvara, for something I could not control.” (Maria tried, didn’t she? Always she tried, and always she failed.)
“You decided to let propaganda rule your mind over what you knew of me and my character.” (And yet she attacked Selvara, she became the thing she swore she wasn’t. Who was the liar out of the two of them?)
“Perhaps for one day I could forgive you fully for that.” (Because wasn’t it Maria’s fault? Maria had acted out in anger and hurt back then, but that didn’t make it right.
She
had twisted the kind, wonderful Selvara into this. This was Maria’s fault, all this, not Selvara’s.)
“But I cannot forgive you for turning peace into war. I cannot forgive you for betraying all we studied. If you believe me to be nothing but destructive, then I am sorry to prove you right." (Maybe destructive was all Maria was. Thunder and lightning weren’t calm, happy things after all. Maria had killed before, and sometimes in a single strike. Maybe she just didn’t want to see what she really was.
What
she was. Not who.)
She turns to her solid magic; the creature she can perfectly sense, the one she can feel pulsing in time with her own rapid heartbeat to the tune of her notes, and she speaks a single command and knows it will obey.
"Destroy everything, spare those who flee."
(Because Maria had accepted she wouldn’t go home.)
(‘I’m so sorry Bran. Forgive me.’)
Maria lets herself play, and she doesn’t let herself think any longer. She remembers Amros’ fire, the burn of his magic, the all-consuming nature of it, not knowing friend from foe. She lets it fly across the strings of the violin and soar into her heart, and she lets it spur her music faster and faster… but it needs a source. It needs a
target
, otherwise it can’t unleash.
So Maria plays that final, high note, and chooses herself.
She doesn’t know what happened after that. There is a burn, a sudden pain from inside her chest that makes her gasp and her playing stumble and then a
heat
that tears through her whole body and then… It is cool. Cold, nearly. And quiet. And Maria doesn’t feel
alone
but she feels… lost. She feels like there is a mist that fills her lungs more thickly with each breath she takes, and a heaviness to her limbs that freezes her in place… And she feels… disconnected. Dissonant.
"Well, howdy there, Maria!"
The Reaper. Maria doesn’t need to see them to know who the speaker is. The title simply implants itself into her brain like their voice that she both hears and doesn’t. The Reaper speak, or at least she thinks they do; it’s difficult to tell, like a dream that is nearly reality.
"Taking yourself to 0 HP in a massive blazing fire that nearly catches your man friend as he's rushing to save you…”
Man friend? Save her? Who?
(Does she feel the ghost of arms around her? Is the fleeting touch at her neck real or simply a breeze in this nothing-less place?)
She makes the Reaper laugh, she thinks. She’s near certain she does, but she can never fully recall what she said.
(“Maria please”)
There’s something about Ana, Morgana le Fay actually, and then come words that are
burned
into her memory, into her
soul
.
"Kill her. Or at least stop her from offering her button game anymore. It won't be easy, but I expect it to be done entirely or else you and I will have less fun next time." (“Maria I-I need you.”)
(Is the second voice real? It is so faint… But she feels the need to follow it anyway. Why does she feel touch on her skin?)
Maria asks for a time limit, she knows she did because she knows this is important (
"Please wake up.
") and the Reaper says “Soon” (
"Maria? Maria please."
).
“Wait! How soon is soon?!” Maria calls because she realises that the air is warming and the mist in her lungs is fading to rattling breaths of air that tastes like ash and she knows this is
important
, but so are the arms holding her and the crackling in her ears and the pain echoing down her chest with every stuttering beat of her heart and thump of the agony in her left arm.
“Sh shh,” says a voice above her, the voice of the one whose arms she can feel holding her, and even before the magic flooded her body like a river of notes that stitched together cuts and soothed burnt skin, she knows who it is. She knows that voice far better than she realised; knows it enough to hear it even in death,
trusts it
enough to follow it back to the living.
Bran.
The moment she recognises his voice, his touch, his magic, Maria feels
safe
. It doesn’t matter if the world is burning around her. Bran is here, and Maria feels safe.
(How foolish was she to think he wouldn’t know, that he wouldn’t come? Of course he would come. Bran had never let her down. He wouldn’t let her die.)
Bran asks something. She misses the exact words between recovering the breath of her now largely painless chest and dealing with the overload of input to all her senses: the smell of wood and flesh burning, indecipherable shouting and screaming, hissing and crackling, the beating of Bran’s heart (or is that her own?), and the uncomfortable surge of the world as she sensed the magic pulses around her crash and recede in irregular, blinding waves. But she needs to know one thing. She needs to know if this all has been worth it.
“Is there an elf's body there? White hair?" she asks, moving her painless hand to gesture to where Selvara had stood.
‘Please tell me her body is there. Please tell me she got away.’
Maria doesn’t know what to hope for, between the dizziness and the overload of stimuli and the sheer
relief
of knowing Bran is beside her.
"All I see is chaos. We should get you somewhere safe."
Gods what has Maria done?
Bran tries to lift her, or she thinks he does. She feels the shift of his arms and a sudden upwards movement but it’s all disorienting, and she’s still trying to catch up with what’s happening. Her first reaction is to pull away, to get back on her feet and find Selvara, to make sure she
finished
this so that no one else will be hurt-
And then the pain of being lifted seizes her chest, and she realises she feels tears that aren’t her own on her cheeks, and that the arms holding her tremble even with their secure grip. And suddenly she can’t bear to pull away, so she does the only thing she can; she rests her head on Bran’s shoulder, squeezes her eyes shut, and tries not to let herself fall apart as she quietly confesses the fear eating her alive.
“I fear I’ve just made everything so much worse…”
Bran doesn’t answer and Maria hides her face further into Bran’s shoulder as her senses flood nearly painfully with magic as they walk, the sensation gradually fading into more distant pulses that she can’t make out. She feels Bran’s magic flood her a second time, this time fully ridding her of the agony in her arm and opening up her lungs to breathe fully as the half-elf speaks. She forces her hazy focus to snap back now that it doesn’t need to be frantic over her aches and pains (that still echo in her body) quick enough to hear an unfamiliar voice respond.
"I- I just wanted away from the summon.
Her
summon, it was
slaughtering
everyone and I saw this escape route and... I don't want any trouble, sir, I just want to not be bitten by a lightning lizard!"
Maria recognised the fear in that voice before anything else. She’s barely able to
process
any more emotions and senses but she knows the guilt that comes crashing down on her, accompanied by that oh-so-rare feeling of being undeserving. She doesn’t stop Bran from speaking (why would she? His way with words is as intricate as her own, perhaps more-so) but she taps his shoulder a little in a signal to be put down on her own two feet by his gentle grip.
"I'm not talking with the person who just destroyed my home, my friends-“ A pause, momentary, but agonising. “You're helping a monster, worse than any bulette or troll."
Maria isn’t helping this situation. She has caused enough damage and pain for one day
(hot-blooded, short-tempered, unnatural, destructive wreck-)
“I should go back to my room,” she murmurs, knowing Bran will hear her soft voice even if it’s too low to properly reveal her turmoil.
Bran’s voice is gentle and worried in its reply. Even Maria can tell that. “You need anything you call or scream for me. Please take it easy."
The irony of Bran of all people telling her to ‘take it easy’ is enough to bring a small smile to her face, or maybe that’s just the dulled warmth of his obvious care for her. She doesn’t know if she has the energy left to call
or
scream, but she doesn’t tell him that. Maria knows the way to the castle well enough to make it there safely (it’s overwhelming, it’s
painful
, all this magic around her, constantly pounding at the back of her skull and flaring into a crescendo at irregular points. She ends up asking not one but three different people to guide her. Just to get her
away
).
She gets to her room. It’s a little away from everything else; Less magic here to overwhelm her, and very quiet. Peaceful, even. Maria never locks her door (for safety reasons; she doesn’t want to get trapped if there’s a fire) but she makes sure it’s shut before moving away. Her hair is already partially out of its hairband so she pulls it out the rest of the way, taking off her singed cloak stinking of smoke and throwing that aside too without any of her usual diligent care. She bangs her knees on the bedframe and falls surprised onto the mattress before she can catch herself. It knocks the breath out of her, but at least she found the bed. Using touch alone, she sits herself sideways on the bed with her side pressed against the wall.
The issue with being blind is that if you aren’t careful, there is little to stop you from getting lost in your own head. And Maria is too lost to be careful.
What has Maria done?
Why didn’t she
think
?
There were so many things to think about, and things that Maria for once was
too scared
to consider. Selvara, the accusations, the fact that Maria
died
, the fire, the students, the fact that she had just
destroyed
hundreds of years of knowledge in a self-serving act. For what? To kill her old friend, to stop what
might
happen? Destroying what had once been her sanctuary to save a city and a place she didn’t know? To simply prove that she
could
, that she was stronger than Selvara?
No, no it wasn’t that. It wasn’t for herself, she willingly gave her
life
to do it. She did what she did to stop Lo’Nactha from turning the tide of the war, from being controlled by a polarised and vengeful Master. She did the acts to stop innocents from both sides being killed, both the people and nature of Thor Aru, and the students who only wanted to learn, not fight.
But did she go too far?
Did she
need
to burn down Lo’Nactha? Did she need to risk the lives of innocent by-standers and traumatise them? Did she
need
to kill Selvara? Did Selvara even die?
That was perhaps the most terrifying thought of all. The idea that Maria had done what she did, that she had destroyed what had once been their shared home, and Selvara had
survived
. That Maria had proved she was nothing more than “hot-blooded, short-tempered, unnatural, destructive wreck of a creature” and now Selvara was out there hurt, maybe bleeding, and even more polarised than before.
‘What have I
done
?’
Would she come for Maria, now that Selvara knew where she was? Would she recruit the students who had escaped and attack Thor Aru after Maria had left? Would she join the Daybreaks fully and give them even more power than they already had? Would Maria never get the chance to apologise? She shouldn’t have met anger with anger, Maria should have been
calmer
, she should have reasoned, she should have let Selvara talk and tried to find a peace, she should have
yielded
and then maybe-
Maria’s senses scream as magic blasts from somewhere nearby, painful enough to snap her out of her thoughts and grip her head as it slowly subsides to a thudding ache. She can’t parse it; it is
chaotic
and it is burning and it is calming and it is raging and it is melodic and it is a symphony and it lacks form and it-
“Maria? Can we come in?”
It is Chi.
Maria realises she’s crying, and she doesn’t know when she had started. She can tell there are three people on the other side of that door and even if her senses are too haywire to identify them, she can take a good guess. She picks herself up a little and wipes her face dry, taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out as she tries to ignore the magical overload coming from everywhere.
“Come in.”
The door opens and she hears three sets of footsteps enter. One stops near the door. Another stops at a chair she’s fairly sure is in her room somewhere. The third slower pair approaches her directly, and wood grain in a familiar shape is gently pressed into her hands.
"I was able to mend it,” Bran’s soft voice says, “hopefully the sound will not change. Uh I know that whatever you went through was hard, so you do not have to talk to us if you do not feel up to it, but if you do. . . Want to tell us what happened?"
She doesn’t want to talk about it, and at the same time she’s desperate for someone to know. She can’t carry this burden alone and she doesn’t
want
to carry it alone. But there’s
so
much to explain, and she can’t help but stall as she carefully puts aside her violin, her hand idly running along its side. "What did you all get up to first? Chi, are you okay?"
"Oh, yeah, I'm- I was actually just at a pokey party,” Chi says with what sounds like a start. “I'm perfectly fine, it's you we're worried about."
Maria doesn’t have the words to speak clearly past the clamouring of her thoughts and buzzing hammering her skull from the three magic sources right beside her. A sigh escapes her as she shifts herself to better feel the wall at her back and the softness underneath her, straining to pull together some semblance of logic.
"The…”
Context Maria, context! Help them understand!
“I've studied at many places of learning and magic over the years, under many teachers. One of them was a place called Lo'Nactha, situated south of the forests. The Diviner told me that they had allied with the Daybreaks to attack the forest, causing many casualties. He asked me to go there to convince the High Master to stop the attacks."
"Oh! Did... did it work?"
The undercurrent of Chi’s sheer belief in Maria makes a small laugh escape the half-elf, and she feels a tear slip onto her cheek.
‘If it had worked, I wouldn’t be feeling all this.’
"Not... Not exactly... If-If the High Master had been anyone else, I probably could have talked them to a peace but..." She sighs again and tries not to hear Selvara’s voice. "The High Master has changed since I was last there. Her name is- or was -”
(Was? Is? Does it matter? Could Maria even sleep at night anymore?)
“Selvara. We were friends back when we were students. I trusted her with everything,”
(Her name, her story, the pieces of her family she had never shared with anyone else)
“and she was only ever kind to me. She didn't care that I was a half-elf, but... she
did
care that I was a sorceress, and I... I think when I left, I hurt her worse than anyone else could have. Which meant that she was willing to attack the forest full of other creatures like me."
(Maria’s fault, not Selvara’s.)
If her head wasn’t thumping with magical overload, she probably could have predicted everyone’s reactions.
"What- how is that your fault? Whether she was hurt or not by her own prejudice is
not
your fault, Maria, and it's certainly not on you that she decided to attack the forest. I know you, and I trust that you tried everything you could to get a peaceful ending - we don't blame you if that wasn't possible with the cards you were dealt."
"You left because of her? And then she got upset?"
"With my experience with the Daybreaks, there really isn't much reasoning to be had with them, especially if she was already biased against you."
Maria shakes her head, partially to try to dismiss their concerns, partially because they didn’t understand, partially because Maria could hardly
think
right now. She tries to address each of them, she
tries
, she tries to explain the gravity of what she has done, to prove to them that she isn’t innocent herself. And
still
…
"I think you are justified in your actions,” Bran insists. “The student said you warned them, and the war is no place for students, but I have to ask, why didn't you run away? We could have helped you, why did you try to do it alone?"
… Why
did
Maria? That question had too many answers, so many of which Maria didn’t understand. Her decision was made in a moment between the rattling of one breath and another, where logic and reason gave way to instinct and fear. How could one justify a response made in that situation? But Maria
had
to justify it to them, even that which she could find no logical or impulsive reason for, even if merely
thinking
felt like she was battling for her life once again.
"... A few reasons, I suppose. I knew Selvara didn't like sorcerers, so Chi and Amros would only make her more aggressive. Bringing in more people would mean that the other students would take part, which would make it into a bigger fight than I wanted it to be. And... I didn't want anyone else to be hurt for my mistakes." (There was more, there was far more, why couldn’t she
speak
?)
Chi speaks first. "There's logic in that first part, but- we're a
team
, Maria. We
want
to take on your burdens. Even if it means torching a school, which we
might
want to formally apologise for."
What
was
the burden? The fact that Maria realised she wasn’t capable? The fear of what her magic truly was, whether the patience and control she had strived for her whole life was doomed to be forever out of her reach? The prickling between her shoulder blades at the thought of Selvara reappearing at any time to finish what she started? The weight on her conscience of the deaths and destruction that might happen and has already happened because of her actions? The fear that Maria could
never
apologise?
Amros speaks next. "I'm always for burning things down, but we do need to stick together now more than ever. Especially if Daybreaks are involved."
Did Amros ever fear his power, the destructive nature his fire so often came with? Was it vengeance that drove him too? What did you do when you burned down the wrong house and only realised far too late? What happens when you step out and don’t realise that you’ve gone too far, only to return to find that everyone you knew was dead?
And then Bran. “So you put self-imposed restraints to protect others but you were ready to die to prove a point? You… you were dead Maria. How are you going to prove to those students that magic is more than what is taught in school, how are you going to protect Amros and Chi. How are you going to make us feel if you die making a point? I think the fight was right but your sacrifice was a mistake, and mistakes do not fix mistakes."
If Chi and Amros had rubbed salt in the wound, then Bran’s words were a jagged spear shot straight through Maria’s heart. And Maria doesn’t know
why
his words hurt her so, or why the sound of Bran’s footsteps leaving makes her eyes sting and her chest scream.
The other two stutter for a few moments before Chi tries to apply a bandaid to the metaphorical wound tearing apart Maria’s chest. "Oh shit, Bran- Bran left. It's not- He just cares about you, you know? A
lot
. We all do. And it's scary knowing you... knowing we could have lost you."
Maria’s tapping her own hand she realises, desperate to not lose herself in her thoughts, in the pain. It’s overwhelming for a moment, it drowns her… And then she puts it aside. She exchanges a fear for a fear, and shares at least one more of the burdens she carries.
"I think Selvara might still be alive. If she is, I-I'm worried she'll attack Thor Aru in retaliation, or join the Daybreaks fully and do something more dramatic. I might have just made a worse enemy out of her for us all to deal with."
"Then we'll face her together,” Amros insists boldly, “and this time with more fire!"
Cheep laughs and it relaxes something small in Maria’s chest. "Exactly! If she is, then we'll deal with it together. We need to find a way to permanently protect the forest anyway, because if we can, Thor Aru is willing to lend us their army."
Maria smiles a little, slightly relieved. Relieved
enough
. For now. "I think I'll leave the fire to you from now on, Amros."
"I- I'm gonna go find Bran, okay? I'll be right back, hopefully."
Chi leaves, and Maria feels the swirling of their magic joining the more distant surge and pull of Bran’s magic a mile away and only a few rooms away. She can’t detect
where
he is-
Amros hums and it sounds like the hearth of a blacksmith on a late autumn evening. “Well this is awkward..... So.... you and Bran, huh? Sensing some sparks."
His words come out of nowhere. They hit directly into the place Maria doesn’t know, and she doesn’t know what to do with it, but it is the first thing of the day that
maybe
… It makes the hurt soften (and makes her face warm up) and make a small surprised laugh spring from her chest.
"Is it cliche of me to say that I think I heard his voice while I was... well, I don't know if 'dead' is the medically correct term."
"Wow! That is cliche!"
They don’t talk much after that. Maria realises she has never spent much time with Amros in all the weeks (months?) since she had started travelling with this group, and she would have spoken to him more in this moment if his very magic sense didn’t burn her skin from within and if her mind had been more clear to process and think. She wants to say things, she knows that she wants to say things, if only she could figure out
what
they are! As it is, it takes her long minutes to even figure out
who
she wants to say them to. She senses their magic down the hallway and finally she can take the indecision no longer.
She doesn’t even have it in her to tell Amros why she leaves, or perhaps she does murmur it but she’s not sure if he hears. Her body aches when she moves, physically healed but still sore with phantom wounds. Maria approaches the sources of magic down the hallway, her senses too chaotic to determine just how close or far away they really are.
"Oh!” says Chi Pin’s voice from only a few steps away. “I'll just, uh- yeah, I'll be waiting with Amros." (Maria desperately hopes she didn’t interrupt.)
Their footsteps leave, passing Maria, and although her sight is the same as it’s always been, she’s never felt so
blind
. "Bran?" she says after a moment, throwing his name into the blazing magical abyss before her.
"I am sorry for yelling." His voice is close too, just in front of her, again a few steps but the distance feels impossible to cross.
What does she want to say?
"And I'm sorry for playing the fool. I knew I was out of my depth, but... I do have an elf's pride sometimes. Thank you for saving me. And healing me."
And more, there was more to thank him for, what is it? What is her meaning here?
"I was just doing what I could. I wish I could have done more."
"Bran…”
She wants to correct him, but what on? Why is she here? Why is
he
here, listening to her? What is the point of this? Why does Maria need this?
“You healed me completely from being dead to being physically entirely well. I don't think there's much else you could have done. I... I am still sorry though. I didn't... I didn't let myself consider how my actions might hurt you."
Why does she need him to accept her apologies like she needs air to breathe? Why does she need to sew together this rift she feels between them when it’s a conjuring of her own mind? Why was he the one consuming her thoughts when she cast that spell?
"Well, I forgive you. Sometimes we do things for ourselves without seeing the consequences. I just . . ."
Why does she never want to hear him so sad and broken ever again?
Maria doesn’t know what to do.
"... Can I have a hug?"
She hears his clothes shuffle as he steps forward, then feels the warning touch on her hand before his arms wrap around her and she’s held in an embrace. It’s immediately the most grounding thing in the world and although his magic trace causes her magical sense to stutter and send burning pulses though her, she feels safer here than ever before. She doesn’t
need
to think as she wraps her arms around him in return and buries her head into her shoulder as if to hide from it all.
"Thank you…” she murmurs from the safety of his hold. She has nothing to hide here. She has nothing she wants to hide from Bran. And while she knows Bran doesn’t yet share his burdens, she wants him to know what the future might hold. What
her
future might hold. (That her life is temporary, subject to a deal she may not be able to follow through on.) “Tomorrow I should... probably tell all of you something that happened just before you woke me up, but I think we don't need to worry about it for today."
Don’t let me worry about it for today.
"Sometimes when I am with you I wish the whole world could just not worry about it for a day. I have something to tell you too, but it might be a little longer before I can. For now lets just stay like this. I think we both need a small break."
Maria closes her eyes and nods. She wants a break. She wants a lot. She doesn’t
know
what she wants, but she knows that she feels better like this.
With Bran by her side.