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'I'm coming out of my cage, and I've been doing just fine.'
"I'm sorry."Sirius looked up from the food he'd been staring at. Remus sat across from him, eyes pleading. Sirius felt his determination to stay angry this time melt away. "It's fine."Remus shook his head. "No, really. I'm sorry. I don't like the way he treats you,"Sirius rolled his eyes, and Remus stopped to shake his head. "No, please don't do that, it's true and I'm standing by it."It was ridiculous, but Sirius had never been able to win this argument with Remus, so he didn't say anything.Remus waited a few seconds to see if Sirius was going to argue, then continued. "I don't like it, or him, but that doesn't give me the right to tell you how to live your life. I shouldn't have raised my voice at you, and I'm sorry."Sirius considered pretending to be upset, but there was no point to it. Remus had only been frustrated after coming home to see Sirius practically in tears after a fight with Micheal. He was being overly protective, but it came from a good place. So he offered a smile. "Thanks. It's okay, I get why you did it."Remus wanted to say something. Sirius could tell. But whatever it was, Remus tucked it away.Sirius was a little relieved. If Remus kept pushing, he wasn't sure he wouldn't break down in tears.Micheal was Sirius' first boyfriend. The first time he'd allowed himself to engage in an actual relationship with a guy as opposed to just one-night stands. Sometimes, Sirius thought that Remus was right about him - that he wasn't a very good person. But Sirius didn't think it mattered much anyway. He wasn't a good person, either, so what right did he have to judge?Remus could judge because he was a good person. The best kind, really - smart and compassionate, sarcastic and loving. Remus was perfect, and Sirius was in love with him, but Remus could never know that bit.No, Remus couldn't know about that, because Sirius was already ridiculously lucky to have him as a friend and a flatmate, and he wasn't interested in pushing his luck any further.
'Gotta, gotta be down, because I want it all.'
Sirius was scrolling when he came across a photo that Micheal was tagged in.His stomach flipped, the world fizzing in and out of focus for a moment.It was taken in a club - Micheal and some girl, dancing together. Very closely. Like, he couldn't be sure that they weren't kissing.Sirius shook his head, scrolling past it. This happened sometimes. Micheal had a lot of friends, and sometimes they danced. It was fine. Micheal never mentioned it, and Sirius didn't want to risk fighting.Nothing good would come from bringing it up. Either nothing had happened, and Micheal would know that Sirius didn't trust him, or something had happened, and Sirius would have to deal with that. He wasn't sure how. He didn't want to break up with him - being alone was not Sirius' favorite thing. And he didn't have a lot of options, really. He was pretty, and he knew it - he could pull anyone if he tried. But no one really wanted to stay with the extremely traumatized and incredibly ADHD guy they'd met at the club. Sirius didn't blame them for it.In the end, it was a simple choice. Be okay with a little insecurity sometimes, or go back to being unwanted.And Sirius had been unwanted enough for several lifetimes already.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
'It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?'
He couldn't let it go. He'd tried, he'd really tried, but the picture was stuck in his brain."Hey, did you see this photo?" Sirius showed Micheal the screen. He knew he'd seen it, because he'd liked it.Micheal glanced at it. "Oh, that. Yeah."Sirius nodded, gathering courage. "Did you kiss her?"Micheal looked up from his own phone with a frown. "Seriously? What's wrong with you?"The words stung a bit, but Sirius tried to look casual. "Nothing, sorry, I just - it kind of looks like it.""I was drunk," Micheal stated. He gave Sirius an 'are you dumb' look. "Yes, I kissed her. We were at a club, and I wasn't really in a sober state of mind.""Oh," Sirius felt a little off-balance. "You didn't tell me."Micheal sighed, returning to his phone. "I just did. Are you going to make a big deal out of this? Because I really don't have the energy to deal with your drama today."Sirius felt like maybe it wasn't really his drama - he wasn't the one who had kissed a girl at the club. But they'd already had one argument today about Sirius hating all of Micheals' favorite foods - he didn't really, he just didn't want to eat pizza and it had apparently come across that way - and Sirius really didn't want to fight anymore.Maybe he could let it go. Micheal didn't seem to think it was important, and Sirius was pretty new to being in a relationship. He wasn't an expert by any means. And Micheal had been honest about it. That was the important part, right? That he hadn't lied? Micheal hadn't been deliberately hurting him. He'd just drunk a little too much that night.It was fine. Sirius just needed to be less sensitive about it all. Less dramatic. It was fine.
'It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss.'
Sirius had a headache when he got home. He was starving, because he hated pizza, and despite his best intentions, absolutely obsessing over the kiss.
He had brought it up exactly one more time before leaving, and it had in fact started a fight. Because Micheal was irritated that Sirius couldn't trust him, and Sirius couldn't let it go. It was dumb, and Micheal had already told him that he hadn't meant to do it, but Sirius was stuck on it.Was he really supposed to let this go? It felt more important than that. It felt like a big deal.But that was the problem, wasn't it? Everything was a big deal to Sirius. Everything was important and worth talking about. He had to drag everything out and analyze it half to death before he felt settled again. Micheal couldn't really be blamed for not wanting to be psycho-analyzed.Frustrated with himself, Sirius curled up on the couch and unlocked his phone.
'Now I'm falling asleep, and she's calling a cab. While he's having a smoke, and she's taking a drag.'
Instagram was one of his favorite methods of dissociation - watching random people draw random things and live lives that had nothing to do with him. He liked a post from Lily and watched someone draw a penguin with chalk. Then he scrolled down, pausing as he took in the photo on screen.Anxiety jolted through his system, and he shoved it down as he switched over to send Micheal a text. 'Hey, not to be overbearing, but are you at the club right now?'There's no reply, and Sirius hates that he goes back to the photo. That Micheal posted. Of him and the girl in the photo from before, standing against a wall and smoking together.Sirius tells himself that it's fine. They're just smoking. He doesn't need to get all possessive and dramatic. It's all fine.
'Now they're going to bed, and my stomach is sick.'
He scrolls down, but the next thing is just a trailer for a horror movie coming out. It's an adult movie, which normally wouldn't bother Sirius. But of course it's a heterosexual couple in a bed, and they're doing adult things to each other - Sirius quickly scrolls down.Then, in a move of complete self-destruction, he goes back to the photo and clicks on one of the comments to see the girls' page.The most recent post was from five minutes ago - a bright pink background against a cheerful line of text. Apparently, she won't be going home alone tonight.Which is really fine. It's all fine. It's just a coincidence.There's still no reply to his text. Nausea flips through his system, forcing Sirius to take several deep breaths.
'And it's all in my head. But she's touching his - chest, now, he takes off her dress. Now, let me go.'
In the back of his head, he knows. Micheal is with this girl, and they're going off to do just what that couple in the trailer was doing. He'll be in her bed, or she'll be in his, and Sirius doesn't have to reach for an image because this is the same girl he walked in on before when Micheal was helping her with a stuck zipper on her dress.He shouldn't have asked. Now he knew, and it was in his head, and he couldn't breathe -Sirius dropped the phone to the floor, tucking his head into his knees. This was stupid. He was being stupid, panicking over something that was currently only confirmed in his own head. He was jumping to conclusions.
'I just can't look, it's killing me. And taking control.'
His lungs were burning from a lack of oxygen, and his body was buzzing from an overdose of it, and he was pretty sure he was shaking, which wasn't great. He could feel his heart pounding, his nails digging into the skin on his legs. His phone buzzed distantly on the floor, and Sirius broke out into tears.This was stupid. Stupid. Dramatic. He was. This was. Wrong. He shouldn't do this. This was bad. He couldn't breathe. It hurt. Everything hurt. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Disappointing.
Disappointment.
'Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis.'
Someone pulled him up from the couch, fast, and Sirius gasped in shock, stumbling. Then there was something cold in his hand, and the person - Remus, Remus had come home - was closing his fingers around the ice pack."Here, chew this," Remus handed him something, and Sirius slipped it into his mouth, his attention suddenly on the sharp mint flavor. "Good, take a deep breath for me. Ready? Okay, in."Sirius listened and watched Remus smile in response. "Perfect, Pads, good job. Okay, out."Out was harder - his breath caught, stuttered. He flinched at the failure. How hard was it to breathe, really? It was such a simple thing, and here he was failing at it."You're okay, Sirius," Remus ran his hands down Sirius' arms, adding hard pressure and pulling Sirius out of his head. "You're okay. Just try again, it's okay."He did, and it went much better. The buzzing was going down, but he was aware that if Remus let go of him he would probably fall down. Remus didn't let go, though, so it was fine."You've got it, okay, sit down," Remus guided him back to the couch. "I brought home food, I'm going to grab it and something to drink and then we can watch a movie. Stay here."Sirius nodded, faintly aware that he really wasn't ready to be moving anywhere anyway. He leaned down and picked his phone up off the floor, glancing at the screen as it flashed. He'd missed a text from Micheal.
Micheal: Chill she's just a friend.
'But it's just the price I pay.'
Just a friend. Just a friend. Sirius felt his breathing pick up again, eyes blurring with tears. He didn't believe that she was just a friend. Why couldn't he trust his own boyfriend? Was he really so traumatized that he was going to ruin this for himself? That he couldn't find the ability to trust the people willing to put up with him?Maybe this wasn't functional. Maybe he was incapable of attracting people who could be in a functional relationship with him. But that was his own fault, wasn't it? How could he expect a partner that was good for him when he was a mess in every way that mattered?
'Destiny is calling me.'
"Sirius," Remus shakes his shoulder to get his attention. Sirius hadn't realized he was there already. The food was sitting on the table.Remus sat down next to him, concerned. "What happened?" He tipped Sirius' chin up to look at his expression. "You're crying again."
'Open up my eager eyes.'
Sirius doesn't have an answer for that. He can't say 'I saw a text and spiraled into a black hole'. Or, he could, and Remus wouldn't judge him for it, but he didn't want to. He presses his eyes shut to stop the tears, forcing in a deep breath. The phone vibrates in his hand, and he opens them to check it.
Micheal: I swear you're so dramatic sometimes.
So dramatic. Sirius hated that word. Or maybe he hated Micheal.That was a terrible thing to say. Of course, he didn't hate Micheal.
''Cause I'm Mr. Brightside.'
Remus leaned in to read the text. "That's awful, give me that," he took the phone from Sirius' hand. Sirius didn't try to stop him.The phone buzzed again, and Remus glanced at it before powering it off.Sirius felt dizzy. "What did he say?""Nothing worth repeating," Remus told him, setting the phone down on the table.
Sirius just nodded, aware that he was close to tears again. He wasn't sure why he couldn't stop crying.Remus wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer. "You're okay," he assured him. "It's okay. He's being a jerk, and you're wonderful."Sirius leaned into him, grateful and exhausted and confused. He'd probably be okay. It was fine.Micheal was being a jerk, but Remus was wonderful.That was enough.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
'I'm coming out of my cage, and I've been doing just fine. Gotta, gotta be down, because I want it all.'"How are you feeling?" Remus glanced over at him, obviously worried. "Still want to go? We can just stay home.""I'm fine," Sirius reassured him. "I can let it go.""Or you could break up with him," Remus mumbled under his breath.Sirius didn't comment on that. He didn't want to fight about Micheal anymore. This party was a good thing - parties were fun, and the alcohol would help him let go of that whole mess he'd caused last week.Remus hovered close once they were inside. Sirius almost told him to stop harping and go have fun, but if he was honest with himself he was sort of grateful. He loved parties - the socializing, the music, the energy - but he didn't really feel like it tonight. He was here because Micheal had invited him, and he felt like it was a good way to smooth things over between them.Sirius glanced at his phone. He'd texted Micheal when they got in, but there wasn't a reply yet. That was fine - Sirius was pretty good at finding people when he wanted to. Micheal probably just couldn't hear his phone over the music.He made a drink for Remus and handed it over - just soda, because Remus always started with soda at parties. "I'm going to find Micheal. I'll find you in a bit, okay?""Okay," Remus took the drink. "Thanks. Call me if you need me, okay?"Sirius half-shrugged. "You won't hear it over the music.""It's on vibrate," Remus replied. His voice was calm, but Sirius had known him long enough to tell he was a little anxious about something. "I'll answer. Call if you need to. Or text. I'll see it.""Okay, Moony." Sirius gave him a quick smile. "You too, okay? My phone's already on vibrate."After getting an agreement from Remus, Sirius started working his way through the rooms. Kitchen, living room, dining room, bathroom.20 minutes later, Sirius hadn't found him. The only places left were the study and the bedrooms.There were perfectly reasonable explanations for why Micheal might be in one of those places. There were, even if Sirius couldn't think of any right this second.
'It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss.'
He wasn't in the study.Sirius had a tight grip on his phone, glancing at it every few seconds. Micheal hadn't replied - not to his original text or the follow-up text that said Sirius was looking for him, but Remus had checked in a few minutes ago.Sirius glanced down the hallway, breathing a sigh of relief when he spotted Micheal disappearing - alone - through one of the doors. Sirius shook his head at himself - he was being ridiculous. He'd been genuinely worried about Micheal hooking up with someone when in reality he might have just wanted a break from the noise. Or maybe he was grabbing something for the guy hosting the party - Sirius was pretty sure they were friends.He'd let that one kiss unsettle him way too much. He really needed to let that go.
'Now I'm falling asleep, and she's calling a cab. While he's having a smoke, and she's taking a drag.'
Someone stopped him right before he got to the door. "Hey, you don't want to go in there."Sirius hesitated, looking at the girl who'd spoken up. "Why?""It's occupied," she replied. Her blue eyes settled on where he was holding the doorknob. "But hey, it's your choice."Images from that stupid movie trailer pushed to the front of his mind, and his stomach flipped. Micheal wasn't alone in there.Sirius shook his head, taking a deep breath and giving the girl a charming smile as he knocked hard on the door - just in case. "I'm sure it's fine."
'Now they're going to bed, and my stomach is sick.'
It was pretty clear the second Sirius opened the door that it was not fine.Well, not fine for Sirius, anyway.The two people on the bed didn't even notice the door open.
'And it's all in my head - but -'
It wasn't Micheal. It wasn't. It couldn't be.He'd just been looking for him and so this guy must just look really similar to Michael, but obviously, Micheal would never actually cheat on him.The guy sat up to pull the girl's dress over her head, twisting as he threw it to the side.Sirius's heart dropped.
'She's touching his chest. Now, he takes off her dress.'
The dress slid off the edge of the bed and crumpled to the floor, and Sirius clapped a hand over his mouth as he backed out of the doorway.Micheal looked up just as he closed the door, heart pounding. Sirius wasn't sure whether or not he'd seen him.
'Now, let me go. I just can't look, it's killing me.'
Sirius was almost to the living room when someone grabbed his arm, pulling him to a stop."What the fuck were you spying on me for?" Micheal demanded. He looked furious.Sirius yanked his arm free. "I was looking for you. You invited me here, remember?""So?" Micheal scoffed. "You're not a child, you can talk to other people if I'm busy for a while."
'And taking control.'
Busy. Busy having sex with other people.Sirius didn't care if he was being dramatic. He couldn't do this anymore. "We're done now."Micheal's eyes narrowed. "What, you're breaking up with me? We both know that would be a dumb decision.""But it's my decision to make," Sirius stepped back. "Yes. I'm breaking up with you. We're broken up. Bye."
'Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis.'
Sirius bolted through the crowd, holding his phone to his ear as the people around him blurred into colorful chaos."Sirius? What's wrong?"Sirius made it outside, taking deep breaths to cope with the nausea that had only gotten worse since he'd opened that door. "Nothing. Nothing. Can -" a sob broke through his chest, and he had to stop for a second. "Can we go home?""I'll be right outside. Are you outside?""Yeah," Sirius managed, and then he let the phone fall to the grass as he knelt next to the driveway and threw up as the nausea won out. His throat burned as he coughed, choking for a second before his body sorted itself out. He dug his fingers into the grass, squeezing his eyes shut. He was fine. He was fine, it was fine.
'But it's just the price I pay. Destiny is calling me. Open up my eager eyes.'
Sirius managed to sit up and force his breathing into a somewhat even pattern by the time Remus found him."Sirus, hey." Remus crouched down in front of him. "Are you crying? What happened?"Sirius shook his head, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes to stop the tears. He couldn't fall apart here - Micheal could come out and see him any second, and Sirius really shouldn't give him the satisfaction.Gentle hands tugged his wrists away from his face. "None of that. Come on, we'll get you some Sprite and pick up some ice cream on the way home."Sirius grabbed his phone before letting Remus pull him up, grateful.
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside.'
Sirius managed to explain what happened by the time they got back home."That's awful, Pads." Remus shook his head. "I'm so sorry."Sirius shrugged. "At least I know. You know? Like, on the bright side, I'm not ignorant about it.""That's not much of a bright side," Remus pointed out."Yeah, well. I'm not feeling all that optimistic," Sirius replied. He stared at his bowl of ice cream, conflicted.
'I never...'
"I never really expected him to stay with me," Sirius admitted. "He only liked me because he thought I was attractive enough to put up with for a while.""What?" Remus frowned. "That's screwed up. Why would you stay with him if he didn't even like you?"
'I never...'
"You don't get it," Sirius replied. "Not your fault, really, you're wonderful. Everyone loves you. But I'm just..." he waved his hand in a non-specific gesture. "Whatever I am. Honestly, he was better than the last relationship I destroyed. I probably shouldn't have broken up with him."Remus stared at him, almost glaring. "What are you talking about?""I shouldn't have broken up with him," Sirius repeated. "He never actually said we were exclusive. I mean, he said he was my boyfriend, but I never should have assumed we were on the same page about seeing other people."
'I never...'
"What the fuck?" Remus sat his bowl down on the coffee table and turned to give Sirius an incredulous look. "No, screw that, you were right to assume your own boyfriend wouldn't be sleeping with other people. You're worth more than that, Sirius. And I don't know what you were trying to imply with that comparison a minute ago, but whatever you are is a whole lot better than you seem to think it is. You're more than how you look. You do know that, right? It's ridiculously easy to fall in love with you, I would fucking know."Sirius frowned. "What do you mean, you would know? You've never -" He cut himself off at the pale look Remus was currently sporting, and suddenly things were clicking into place. "Oh.""We can ignore that," Remus said quickly. "I'm sorry, I know you've already had a really stressful day and I didn't mean to spring that on you like that - or ever, and nothing has to change, there are absolutely no expectations for you to make me feel better or pretend to like me just because - well, I think I've said enough, but I'm really so sorry-""No," Sirius interrupted him. "No, you're good. I mean, you might need, like, psychiatric help, because I'm pretty sure being in love with me is a sign of a chemical imbalance or something, but you're good. Obviously, I love you, you don't need to worry about that."Remus was staring at him again. "What?"Sirius met his eyes, a little confused. "Which part confused you?""You just said -" Remus blinked, then shook his head. "Sirius.""Remus?""In what way do you love me?" Remus asked. He sounded relatively calm, but his hands were strangling each other.Sirius didn't really see why they had to focus on that bit. "In the sort of pathetic, I adore you way? Why?""What do you mean why?" Remus demanded. "Did we not just ascertain that I'm in love with you? And now you're telling me that you're also in love with me?""Oh." Sirius blinked. "To be honest, I was pretty sure you knew and just didn't want to acknowledge it.""How could I possibly know that?"Everyone knew that. "How could you not?" Sirius shook his head. "James and Peter bring it up every single time we all hang out together. Which sucks, but you've always seemed fine with it.""I thought they were messing with me," Remus replied, a little shocked. He took a deep breath. "So you're in love with me."Sirius winced. "Yeah, you keep bringing that up.""And I'm in love with you," Remus continued. "Are you seeing why these two things are connected?""Um," Sirius hesitated. "Yes. But also, we can't do anything about that. We live together, and I really don't want to move out.""What?" Remus gave Sirius a very lost look. "Why would you move out?""Because if we start a relationship, I will screw it up," Sirius stated. "I will, I always do, only this time it'll be worse because I'll lose a relationship, you, and the place I'm living. I never do relationships right, Remus, I'm never calm enough or easygoing enough or good enough. I always screw it up. I'm dramatic and anxious as hell and I get jealous when you kiss other people even if you were drunk and couldn't help it-""I would imagine you'd be furious if I cheated on you, yeah," Remus interrupted. "Sirius, I already know that you have anxiety. I already know you're dramatic. None of that applies, and you were too good for Micheal, not the other way around. You won't screw it up.""You can't know that!" Sirius felt like crying. He wanted this, he really, really did. But he always screwed it up."I do. I know it." Remus took his ice cream bowl and set it on the table, shifting closer. He moved one hand to tilt Sirius's chin up, and Sirius's breath caught. "Sirius."He was so glad he'd brushed his teeth when they got home. "Remus." His voice was slightly pleading. He was going to mess it up, he always messed it up -"Can I kiss you?"Sirius held his breath. "It'll all fall apart. I'll ruin everything.""It won't," Remus breathed. "You won't. I promise." He traced Sirius's lower lip with his thumb. "Trust me?"Always. He would always trust Remus. "Yes."Remus leaned closer, so that they were almost touching, almost. "Can I please kiss you?"Sirius's heart beat faster, harder. He couldn't remember ever being this scared in his entire life.He couldn't remember ever wanting something this much in his entire life."Yes."