Work Text
In the beginning, there was only fear. It was so simple, then.Of course, he had other emotions — thinking about his family or what he'd seen plunged Sasuke into an anguish so deep and cold he felt he'd drown in it. But if he thought about Itachi, the only thing he felt was fear. Sheer terror at the transformation he'd witnessed in his once-beloved brother, turning him into something that Sasuke didn't recognize. Something that haunted his dreams and woke him up screaming.The first feeling that crept back into the void Itachi had left in his life and settled down next to the fear was anger. Senseless violence will often inspire that feeling in any person, especially adults, so everyone that witnessed it in Sasuke — spilling out of him every time he spoke of Itachi, and what he planned to do to him — understood, even if they were disturbed at seeing so much of it in someone so very young.He didn't know when the other feelings first started or where they came from. All he knew was that they made him hate himself almost as much as he hated Itachi.He remembered being around ten. Lying in his bed, unable to sleep — but that was nothing new. Thinking about finding Itachi, knocking him out, binding him up, killing him slowly — nothing new, either. His heart beating hard, his body growing warm, he kicked off the sheets, and was confronted with the uncomfortable knowledge that he was hard in his sleep shorts. That was new. He tried to ignore it, and failed. He tried calling himself disgusting and shaming it into going away, but that only made him harder, and he could only fall asleep that night by slipping a hand under his waistband and spilling into his shorts as he cried into his pillow.As brilliant as Sasuke was, he couldn't possibly understand it. And he didn't try to, either — he tried to pretend whatever this feeling was did not exist. The thought of anyone finding out made his fingers twitch as he fought off the urge to run and grab his father's sword and regain his honor in the only way possible. How else could he redeem himself now, if not by death? Of all the things Itachi had done to him, this was the thing Sasuke hated him for the most. Turning him twisted, making hate and lust entwine themselves so closely together that he couldn't feel one without the other.The onset of puberty was a particularly hellish time for Sasuke. As his classmates started whispering about crushes and getting flustered around their opposite-sex peers, Sasuke withdrew even further into himself and nurtured with a grim self-loathing his fantasies about Itachi. Somehow worse than his initial arousal at the thought of killing his brother, he found himself dwelling on the thought of them touching — him sinking down into Itachi's lap, their arms brushing together as they walked, warm breath and whispered words against his ear. Memories that he hadn't let himself recall in what felt like half a century, because they cracked his heart open with grief at the thought that he would never again share such things with his brother, or probably anyone. The tenderness was worse than the violence. The fact that they existed so stubbornly close beside each other was the worst part of all. Sasuke hated Itachi so much it took his breath away, but he loved him even more. He came more times than he could count to the thought of kissing his brother, or being tortured by him, or slitting his throat, or being held down and fucked.It was starting to make him feel legitimately psychotic.He found the word for it one day in a book — masochism. Itachi had turned him into a masochist. It was clear he had some sadistic tendencies too, but they weren't what had him in a choke-hold. So much time spent dwelling on his pain and anger and self-hatred, and reinforcing their power over him with desperate and miserable orgasms, had inextricably tied his sexual appetites to his own suffering. He knew this did not bode well for him. It was one thing when it was confined to the inside of his skull, and only spilled out on those cursed nights alone under his sheets. It was when it started to show up in broad daylight, with other people around — and touching him — that he began to grow alarmed.The first inkling of it arose during one of his many fights with Naruto. In this particular one, they'd decided ninjutsu wasn't allowed, so they were using only taijutsu. They ended up in a stalemate, grappling with each other, breathing hard and muscles straining — and when Naruto got the upper hand with a punch to the face and they broke apart, Sasuke got up and abruptly left the training ground for fear the other boy would see what it had done to him.The next instance, significantly worse in every way, occurred during their ill-fated bell test. When Sasuke's frustration got the better of him and he charged their would-be jounin teacher, Kakashi turned aside his attack and countered it with zero effort, leaving him pinned to the ground where he actually sat on Sasuke as he continued lecturing the team. And Sasuke squirmed under his weight, powerless to move and utterly humiliated, as his face reddened and heat slunk into his belly, leaving him hard as a rock. He didn't like to think about that — about what he wanted Kakashi to do to him in that moment, about how disgusted the jounin would've been with him if he could read his thoughts.The more time passed, the harder it grew to ignore the feeling that his secret would soon be out, and something terrible would happen to him because of it.He hated being right.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
There'd only ever been one day in his life that was worse.And it'd started so triumphantly. Sasuke had caught wind of the fact that Itachi was in Konoha, and he would finally get his revenge. It had him dizzy with a savage kind of elation, and the high carried him through the hour he spent running around their village, then to a nearby town, then up and down its streets until he finally caught up to the man himself in the hallway of an inn.Naruto was there, and some men he didn't recognize, but none of them mattered. From the moment his eyes found Itachi's, the entire rest of the world fell away and ceased existing. It seemed all the air in the room disappeared too, leaving him breathing heavy and light-headed as he charged lightning and made his attack.Much later, he would look back on the next moments and wonder what he'd expected. Sasuke was twelve, and barely a genin. Itachi eighteen — former ANBU — killer of hundreds. In his blind rage he hadn't been able to see the glaring gap in experience between the two of them, and it'd nearly ended in his death.They told him when he woke up in the hospital that he'd been in a coma for a month. It was anyone's guess how much longer until he would've come out of it, had they not sought out the Sannin Tsunade and convinced her to heal him. From the moment he woke up until the moment he was discharged, he carefully avoided thinking too deeply about what had transpired that day. He was never truly by himself — nurses or visitors could barge in at any time — and he knew he needed to be completely alone to process what had happened between him and Itachi.He was home now. Fitfully tossing and turning in his big bed at the Uchiha compound, seeking sleep he knew wouldn't come. There was no one to interrupt his thoughts now, but still he avoided them — they felt dangerous. But eventually he was exhausted enough that he lost the will to keep fighting it.Itachi beat him so badly he coughed up blood. Broke bones. Tossed him like a ragdoll. Picked him up by the throat and pinned him against the wall, only to lean in and mock him with venomous words murmured into his ear. And Sasuke, in absolute agony, his breathing cut off and his vision starting to fade, wasn't yet so far gone that he didn't notice Itachi's gaze dropping down, lingering, then meeting his again.Then came the Tsukuyomi and his living hell, and waking up in a hospital bed.He knew Itachi had seen it. Couldn't possibly imagine what his brother had thought, only that he was sure it'd make Itachi think him even more pathetic than he already had. Would he have put Sasuke in the genjutsu either way? Was it punishment for being sick enough to take pleasure in what Itachi was doing to him?His utter failure at achieving even a sliver of the revenge he sought so badly it pained him — his failure to achieve anything other than humiliation as his self-abusive lust for his cruel brother was laid bare — brought Sasuke to breathtaking new lows of crushing self-hatred. And the worst part was that recalling all this had him so turned on he was aching. He didn't bother to fight it — he was too defeated to even try. He curled a hand around himself and sighed out a shuddering breath as it started to move. He was obscenely slick with his own arousal, and within moments he'd brought himself right to the very edge, but he took his hand away. This was something he did often, when thinking about Itachi — denied himself release because he didn't deserve it, and he was fucking sick for wanting to come while thinking about his brother in the first place.For a while he just lay there, head turned on the pillow, gazing at his window with the curtains drawn so all he could see was the moonlight broken up by the shadows of branches. He was starting to feel like he wasn't even real, and was seized by the sudden urge to snap himself out of it, make him feel something even if it was nothing good. For some reason the first thing that came to mind was to bring his hand to his throat, letting it tighten — and his eyes went half-lidded as he imagined, or tried to, futilely, that it was Itachi's hand there instead. He couldn't pretend, because his hands were too small, and not strong enough to make the gesture threatening. He'd just eased up pressure and let out a forlorn sigh when he became aware of a presence in the darkened room.With a gasp, Sasuke made out the shape in the shadows before he'd even activated his Sharingan — but when he did, he discovered what he'd already known. It was indeed Itachi, glaring down at him with cold, red eyes."What in God's name happened to you?"His voice was deadly quiet, and inscrutable, and it sent a shiver through Sasuke's entire body. He let his hand drop from his own throat, and though he felt panic clawing its way up his spine and every instinct told him to get up and fight, he stayed lying exactly where he was, arms spread wide. As he answered, a tear rolled down his cheek."You did."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
His heart was beating out of his chest before Itachi even made his way to the bed. But once he did, and he slowly crawled his way up over Sasuke's body, he felt that he might drop dead right then and there.But he didn't. He simply froze.He couldn't tell what Itachi was thinking. It couldn't possibly be that this was anything sexual, despite their proximity. Surely Itachi just wanted to get in close so he could kill him, and with Sasuke lying in bed seemingly unable to get up, this was the only way.Then Itachi's hand reached out for Sasuke's, and brought it up between them. He held it to the side of his face, and breathed in deep, and his eyes darkened as he caught the scent of his little brother's arousal all over it."You're touching yourself? Thinking about me choking you?"Sasuke's face was on fire. He felt like he was going to be sick, but he forced himself to answer honestly."Yeah."It looked like that answer made Itachi angry. He didn't understand what was going on here. If Itachi thought he was disgusting for being aroused by him, then why was it starting to seem like the feeling was mutual?Itachi let his hand go and his eyes left Sasuke's face, dropping down and taking in the sight of his body, laying under him."You were supposed to hate me. What is wrong with you? Don't you have any self-preservation?"Sasuke felt tears pricking his eyes at the truth of that last question. He didn't answer it."I do hate you."Itachi's gaze was on his again, and he held it for a long time. When he spoke again, it had gone cold."Not enough."When he tugged Sasuke's shorts down, his hands flew automatically to cover himself, but Itachi was undeterred. He moved back enough to pull them the rest of the way down and off, then covered Sasuke's body with his again. He was whimpering now, growing more and more afraid, as he knew what was happening and that he couldn't handle it. But then Itachi nuzzled into his neck, and bit down hard, and Sasuke couldn't help the moan that slipped out any more than he could stop his body from arching up into him."Oh, God," Sasuke whispered, the tears flowing freely from his eyes now as he felt Itachi shifting and undoing the front of his own trousers as his breath came hard against Sasuke's neck. He'd fantasized about this, so many times, but now that it was happening the only thing that filled him was dread. Itachi was still fully dressed with even the Akatsuki cloak falling around them, but he shoved Sasuke's shirt up to his armpits, and pinned his thigh back, and pushed inside of him.Sasuke tried to scream, but Itachi pressed down on his mouth with his other hand, suffocating the sound into silence. With a grunt, he started to move, driving into him again, and again, and Sasuke desperately tried to draw in a breath through his nose but it was all he could do to choke on his sobs. He could feel himself slipping away, seeing stars with his vision going dark around the edges, and he decided that if he was dying he wasn't going to fight it.He'd want to die anyway, when all this was over. He knew that already.But Itachi eased up, and moved his hand to brace himself on the bed instead, and Sasuke gasped for breath, head spinning as the oxygen filled his bloodstream again. Itachi was still pounding into him, hard, and though he could feel himself tearing and blood pooling on the mattress beneath him, he was trying very hard not to scream. He didn't want Itachi to start smothering him again, because agony while breathing was infinitely preferable to agony while slowly suffocating to death.His brother wasn't looking him in the eyes. He was hanging his head, hair falling into his face, rendering it unreadable. Sasuke was crying, as quietly as he could manage, but it was a miserable sound. His arousal from earlier was completely forgotten now, but eventually he felt Itachi's hand fumbling to stroke him back to hardness."No," he whined, more tears spilling out of him, but Itachi didn't listen, and his grip tightened, and Sasuke's legs fell open with a shudder despite himself.Itachi moaned, and his thrusts quickened. Sasuke hated himself for it, but he was starting to get turned on again, not least by the knowledge that Itachi was getting such pleasure from his body. Taking it, because it was his. Sasuke had always belonged to him, and they both knew it.Itachi shifted again, snaking a hand around his throat. The hand started to tighten, and a shiver ran through Sasuke that felt electric, that left his body buzzing and his cock spurting onto his stomach. Itachi noticed, and the hand tightened further as he drove faster and faster into Sasuke's ruined body. The air was growing thin and Sasuke couldn't seem to draw in a full breath, but that didn't matter when he was pulled tight like a string and ready to snap. Two pairs of red eyes found each other and as the world faded around them, Sasuke fell apart. He came with a strangled shout, and Itachi's hand clamped so tight around his neck he was already starting to lose consciousness when Itachi beat out a staccato of a few last hard thrusts and followed him down into the abyss.
When he awoke some time later, he was alone, and cold. Trembling hands reached out for the blanket and wrapped it around himself. Sasuke knew he was in pain, but he felt numb to it now. He curled in on himself and started to cry.He still didn't think he hated Itachi enough.