Work Text
Mapicc is tired of seeing things. Not all of them, of course. Just the things he knows aren't actually there.In the corner of his vision, something is moving; has been for the past two fucking hours. He's tired of it. Nothing should be moving around at this time of night. It's damn annoying.Oh, and the void is outside his door.Honestly, he's fine with that one. The void thing-- it's chill. It doesn't hurt him. It's actually kinda nice. Protective, in a way. That's kinda funny to him. The void creature that stands outside his door when his room is a little too bright and his hallway is a little too dark is actually rather nice to him.Except for the time it had teeth.That was a weird night. What the hell was that even about, anyways? Mapicc does
not know what he did to piss it off, but he never wants to do it again. Apparently he hasn't, because it only had them one time. Still fucking terrifying, though. It shouldn't have had teeth, or claws, or hands for that matter. It usually doesn't have those things. Either way, 0/10 experience,
not Mapicc recommended. If the thing outside your door has teeth and claws and is staring at you very menacingly, do not approach! It will not end well!What's also not going to end well is his fucking sleep schedule if that thing doesn't stop
fucking moving. He can't even-- he can't even fucking see it, what the hell. It's just moving and he can see it when he doesn't look at it but every time he turns its not there, and he's tired of it.If this keeps up he's not going to be tired.If this shit sends him into another fucking manic episode, Mapicc is going to start killing people. He's already about to punch a hole through his wall, honestly.If he hears
one fucking thing tonight, someone is going to die, and it's not gonna be pretty.Hearing things is the worst of it. The visual things he can ignore. The sounds are too real. They're so loud and so
real and it's fucking terrifying because it's
not real but it
is and it's always just on the border of "is this real or is this another hallucination?"Actually, the quiet ones are worse. Shoutout to the time something was whispering to him in the back room at work! Nobody was back there with him, but something was whispering to him, and it was fucking terrifying!Genetics is fucking
stupid. Why does
he have to deal with all of this. Real fuckin' great that his brother is perfectly normal mentally (for the most part), but he gets slapped with schizoaffective. Cool. Fucking great. Thanks, genetics.And back on the topic of work, why the
hell is he so obsessed with one of his coworkers. Mapicc fucking hates BPD and everything about it. Like what the
fuck. Genuinely. This shit is so fucking stupid and he's so fucking tired of it.Like what the hell. Genuinely! What the actual fucking hell! It is
so goddamn difficult to be normal, because having a favorite person sucks so fucking much, and every time his favorite person
isn't there, he genuinely just wants to leave. And it's
stupid.It's not as bad as last time. For now, at least.Last time he's pretty sure he went genuinely insane, and now someone's initials are carved into his thigh. Go fucking figure.
Damn he was crazy.His brain is a clusterfuck of genetics and trauma and he's genuinely so goddamn tired of it all.Being constantly in fight-or-flight mode is fucking exhausting. The tension that's weaved into all of his muscles, into his whole body, down to his bones, is fucking painful. C-PTSD is so fucking annoying.Mapicc hates all of it. It just fucking sucks. He's so goddamn tired of flinching at fucking everything, because he's supposed to be strong, but how the hell is he supposed to be strong when he freezes like a deer in headlights when someone raises their voice near him?He's so damn tired of his day being ruined because of one comment that was made in a
slightly
off tone, just a little bit disappointed or unhappy. It's stupid. He's so tired of wanting to bash his head into a fucking wall whenever the slightest of things goes wrong. He's tired of being sent spiraling because of one minor issue that feels genuinely fucking impossible to solve.At least for right now he's not genuinely insane over his FP. For right now, that is. He's taking what he can get, okay? It will almost definitely get worse, but for right now, he's fine. He's fine. There is literally nothing wrong with him whatsoever, actually. He's the normalest fucking person alive. Nothing is wrong with him. Nothing is wrong with him!Nothing is wrong with him, until he wants to scream for no fucking reason, because something is
wrong but also nothing is wrong and he needs a reason for something to be wrong, because something is
always wrong.Nothing is wrong with him, until he's so obsessed with one person he genuinely wants to rip out his organs because it's better than the mess in his head that tells him they hate him because they haven't responded in 6 hours and 57 minutes - and yes, he's fucking counting. That's normal, right?Nothing is wrong with him, until he sees the name of one of his exes and can't breathe for the rest of the day because he feels so fucking sick, so fucking
wrong, because he can still feel everything they did to him, and nothing will ever fix that.Nothing is wrong with him until he's pacing around his room for five hours straight because he can't fucking
think and everything is wrong and he can't feel anything except a gnawing hunger ripping him apart from the inside but he'd literally rather fucking die than eat.Every time he sees someone online who weighs less than him, it's literally a personal attack. The world hates him and it's fucking personal, actually. Literally everyone sucks.Except for his FP, because his FP can literally do nothing wrong ever, and even if they do, they don't. Even when they make him genuinely want to throw himself off a fucking cliff sometimes. But that's fine! He's normal! He's perfectly fucking normal and fine and nothing is wrong with him, and fuck anyone who says so.Mapicc isn't sure whether being diagnosed with anxiety
twice is funny or concerning.He got diagnosed with anxiety the first time, pretty mild, but they put him on meds anyways, and now he has a new psychologist, and he got diagnosed with severe anxiety. So either the meds aren't working or he's getting worse, which is actually fucking hilarious to him.The losers in his brain who he
unfortunately has to put up with do not find it as funny. DID
is a clusterfuck of issues on its own, and he's pissy about it. All of the idiots in his brain need to get out. Every last one of them. They're all stupid and he hates all of them, actually!It is really not funny to have someone constantly denying the anxiety diagnoses when he's literally the one nearly having a panic attack
every fucking day. Like, bitch, you're the reason that diagnosis was made. Go talk to the psychiatrist. Up your damn meds, you're gonna give the rest of us a fucking heart attack.Sometimes they're helpful. Most of the time they suck. One of the ex-hosts is genuinely a fucking saint and he
really doesn't know how they put up with the rest of them, and one of the other ex-hosts is literally one of the worst people Mapicc has ever met, seriously. What the fuck is up with that guy? Like, damn. Mapicc thought
he had issues (he doesn't, actually, because like he said he is perfectly normal all of the time and nothing is wrong with him).Right now, none of it matters. He needs to sleep, but he can't close his eyes, because something is watching him, and not just the void outside of his door. If it was just that, he'd be fine.But the thing in the corner of his vision still hasn't stopped moving, and it's fucking him up. It's not
there, he knows it's not, but he can feel it and he can see it and it feels too fucking real.Everything feels too real sometimes. Even when it's not. Especially when it's not.