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It’s been coming but Harry knows. Harry’s known for a long time now. So when Louis peeks his head into Harry's room and asks to talk, Harry can feel his heart sink.“So, what'd you want to talk about, Lou?” Louis’ averting Harry’s gaze and picks at the pesky hangnails that he hasn’t gotten a chance to take care of yet. He thinks he can feel his heart beating outside his chest and he knows there isn’t any escaping this, so he blurts it all out, “I think I'm in love with Eleanor.”And in an effort to spare himself from the hurt in Harry's eyes, Louis shuts his own wishing he’d never even opened his mouth. Green eyes begin to glisten and Harry sighs because he knew. First, Louis wouldn’t stop talking about her and the things they did together at uni. When Louis would text Harry at night saying he was at the library studying with her, quickly turned into almost every night. When Louis came home out of breath and smelling like her perfume. Harry knew.“When'd you start seeing her?” Harry had to know more.“A bit ago…I didn't realize how fast it got out of hand. Harry, I'm sorry.” Louis’ voice was trembling now as he attempted to touch Harry's knee as some sort of comfort for the boy sitting across from him.Quickly moving, Harry distanced his body from Louis. He couldn’t bear knowing those were the same soft touches he’d also given her. There were so many things Harry wanted to say, “How could you?”, “Why would you do this to me?”, “Is she better than me?”, and yet none of it came out. He thought it’d be better to never ask, to never get an answer. It was then that Harry knew what he had to do, so he laughs. Louis looks up at him in bewilderment, too scared to ask why the boy who was just about to cry was now laughing right in his face. “It's okay, Louis.” and Harry smiles, “It’s not like we were…anything. We never talked about it, never made things ‘official’. Those morning kisses, the spooning, the showers together, it’s all nothing. You love her more, and that’s okay.”For some reason unbeknownst to him, Louis feels like that hurt more than what he just did to Harry. ‘Had it all meant nothing to him?’ Louis couldn’t help but think as he kept picking at the broken skin on his fingers. He realizes now that his decision was final, he chose Eleanor, and he’d never get Harry back.“I don't love her more. I could never love her more than you. But I love her enough to know that it’s just easy.” Louis winced as the words left his mouth.Easy. Harry laughs again at that because what else could he do after he’s just learned that loving him was hard for Louis and she is just easy.When Harry doesn’t respond, Louis asks, “That’s it then?”Harry nods and Louis averts his gaze again. There are no more words to say and no more hangnails left to pick so Louis leaves. Harry's room is so much emptier now, more than it’s ever been. He doesn’t know what to do with himself except do the only thing he ever knows how to; he writes a song.
If you really wanna leave
I’ll never make you stay
Whatever you decide
I will understand
And it will all be fine
Just go back to being friends
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It's 1:32 a.m. and Harry still isn’t home. Truthfully, Louis hasn’t seen Harry since they last spoke when Louis told him he’d chosen Eleanor. Louis would be lying if he said he didn’t wonder what Harry's been up to these past few weeks. When Harry's home, they share brief words and barely look at each other. Louis never bothers to leave his room these days because he sees no point when the boy in the room across from him doesn’t acknowledge his existence. But Louis can’t blame Harry and he never will. Some days he spends nights with Eleanor to fill the Harry-shaped void in his heart and somehow it never works. Louis can’t sleep and there’s nothing but Harry running through his mind. It's now 1:34 a.m. and Louis decides to do something so stupid and starts his way to Harry's room. It’s not like he’ll be home any time soon, Louis thinks to himself as he twists the knob to Harry's room and lets himself in. The room is tidy (of course) and it hits Louis that he misses Harry. He misses how Harry made his bed every morning before he left and how Harry threw a fit every time Louis slightly disrupted the order in his room. Louis knows he’ll never get that back so he lays down in Harry's neat bed in hopes he sinks so far into it that he’ll be able to go back into a time where he was wrapped around Harry's body. But Louis still can’t sleep. Louis’ eyes scan the room when he sees a leather journal sitting on Harry's nightstand with a pen lying in the middle of it. Louis knew he shouldn’t look but, ‘one look won’t hurt’. He doesn’t know what he’ll find and truly he’s not expecting anything but he’s restless and he misses harry. Louis’ fingers skim through the yellow pages that seemed to be fully covered in ink; whether it’s words or mindless drawings, the pages were full. Louis quickly realizes most of these are songs or random lyrics and stops when he sees his name at the top of one of the pages. “This is so invasive” he whispers to no one but himself, but he decides he’ll read this page, close it, and leave it where he found it. His fingers trace his own name and it’s almost like Louis can feel how Harry’s fingers used to trace Louis’ back with his name.
I know what you tell your friends
It's casual, if it's casual now
Then, baby, get me off again
If it's casual
Louis’ cheeks heat up but he can’t tell if it’s from the flashing memories of them in the backseat of Harry's car or from the embarrassment that he ever told Harry he only wanted to be casual.
And it's hard being casual
When I'm on the phone talking down your sister
And I try to be the chill boy
That holds his tongue and gives you space
I try to be the chill boy
But honestly, I'm not
And Louis can’t do it anymore. He never wanted to be casual, never wanted to be just friends, never wanted Eleanor. He shuts the journal and lays it back on the nightstand, continuing to lay in Harry's bed. If his mind wasn’t racing before, it definitely was now. Louis reaches for his phone before making the next stupid decision.He waits for what feels like an eternity before the ringing on the other end abruptly stops when he finally hears, “Hello?” “Harry, please come home.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Harry doesn’t know how many beers he’s had now but he knows that he feels good. He's left the bar about an hour ago and has been sitting on a park bench letting the alcohol warm him up in this brisk autumn weather. And when Louis calls him telling him to come home, he feels so compelled to seek warmth in the arms of the one who’s hurt him the most. Harry said nothing at all in response to Louis’ question, just letting the sound of their breaths fill up the silence. He can almost see Louis on the other end, thinking about how Louis’ probably clutching onto the bottom of his shirt trying to tear out the seams out of nervousness. As Harry starts to open his mouth he’s interrupted by the sound of Louis’ voice, “Nevermind, this was a bad idea.”The line goes dead and Harry begins to choke out a sob. He was so torn between wanting Louis again and never allowing Louis to hurt him again; the former was starting to win. With the numbing buzz he felt mixed with the emptiness that was plaguing him, all he wanted was Louis; Louis’ arms, Louis’ tender kisses, Louis’ laugh in his ear, Louis inside of him, he wanted all of him. The phone rested in Harry's hand, dimly lit with Louis’ contact mocking him on the screen. It’d be so easy to just call him back but ‘What good would that do?’. It was reaching 2 a.m. when Harry started his walk back home. He didn’t know what he’d do when he got there but all he knew was that he just wanted to be in his bed. The walk home was long and Harry began to hum and sing, hoping his own voice would provide some sort of company.
“Oh, I need you around, I'm getting close now…do you picture me, like I picture you? Am I in the frame of your point of view? Do you feel the same? I'm too scared to say half the things I do when I picture you…”
Harry had made a note to himself to write that down later whenever he’d get the chance to. He'd finally reached their building and suddenly all he felt was dread. The walk up to their flat felt so much more difficult and nauseating this time around. He tried to be brave and push out the anxiety he felt for what was waiting for him on the other side of his front door. Hoping that he’d go unnoticed, Harry stepped into the flat quietly placing his keys on the entrance table and slipping his shoes off. He saw no sign of Louis in the living room or the kitchen, which was where he’d usually be if he couldn’t sleep, but then again Louis had been staying in his room more often these days. Harry rolled his shoulders back and ran a hand through his hair as he approached the door to his room. He'd finally have some solace in his sleep that’d tear him away from the rampant thoughts of louis. Except when he’d open his door, there was Louis. Louis all curled up on Harry's bed with one of the pillows clutched to his chest. Harry didn’t know if he should wake the boy or let him rest but somehow in some way, Harry took this as an answer to his prayers to have Louis again. So he begins to strip down to nothing but his boxers and climbs into the spot beside Louis. At first, he doesn’t know if he should turn his back to Louis or if he should just act like nothing ever happened and reach for the boy next to him. His heart was beating fast and he began to stare at the center of Louis’ back, the choices floating back and forth in his head. “Please hold me.” It was a faint whisper, but Harry had heard it slip from Louis’ mouth, and Harry did not hesitate to fulfill Louis’ request. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis and pulled their bodies closer together. It felt so right. As mad as Harry was at Louis for breaking his heart, he thought he could put that aside for a second just to enjoy this one fleeting moment. “You were always the big spoon, Lou.” Harry whispers in hopes that he’d break some of the tension that filled the room, and it works because Louis quietly laughs. Louis turns to face Harry and suddenly it’s too much for Harry to bear. He couldn’t look directly into Louis’ eyes any longer and turned his back to Louis so that he’d spoon him like old times. Louis presses a soft kiss to Harry's back and Harry wants to cry. He almost asks Louis ‘What about Eleanor?’, but he doesn’t want to ruin this, he just wants to stay in Louis’ arms for however long he can. They’re both silent for a long time and they both decide it’s okay to fall asleep like this. Louis’ breath gets slower and heavier so Harry takes this moment to tell him, “I love you, and I hope you love me more than you love her.” Harry knows this falls on deaf ears so he focuses on his own breathing, falling asleep shortly after. but not before he hears louis whisper back,“It’s always been you.”And that’s enough for Harry for now.
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Just hours ago, Harry and Louis had woken up together for the first time in a long time. Their bodies were intertwined and everything felt normal again. But now they’re at this house party, a deep distance apart acting like it all never happened. What's even worse is that Louis brought Eleanor and was touching her all night. Running his hands through her long chestnut hair, softly caressing her thighs, whispering so close to her ear that he starts to leave shy kisses at the spot between her neck and ear; and Harry can’t look any longer. All he could think about was Louis’ touches on him and Louis kissing his back this morning; so he drinks a lot more. The strong buzz he felt has escalated into something else entirely, and Harry can feel the rage boiling up inside of him. As Harry grabs another drink, he can hear Louis and Eleanor talking and laughing happily in the other room. Even as loud as the party was, Harry could hear nothing but them. The tequila in his cup began tasting like water and Harry knew then that he was in for some trouble. He breathes and controls his slight stumble while he walks back towards his spot into the living room where’d he be facing Louis once again. Harry knows that he’s staring at them both but he can’t help himself and no matter how hard he tries he can’t tear his eyes away. Zayn and Niall are beside Harry talking about some football game they had watched earlier but their chatter begins to sound like white noise when Harry zeroes in on the couple directly in front of him. This time, Louis and Eleanor are quieter, they’re whispering back and forth and sharing giggles between each sentence they spoke. Eleanor is holding Louis by the back of his neck and they’re so unbelievably close that Harry starts to feel his body heat up at the sight. The way Eleanor looks directly into Louis’ eyes and Harry thinks ‘She’s right where I should be’. It was then that the couple shared a small but sweet kiss and Harry swears he could feel all the tequila and mixers coming up his throat. As if Louis senses the boring eyes on him, he turns slightly to look at Harry and tenses when they make eye contact. For just a second, Harry thought he felt tears prickling his eyes but he couldn’t cry, at least not right here, not right now. Of course, Louis is the first to break from the contact to turn back to Eleanor who is now burying her face into his neck. Louis breaks into a smile and wraps his arms around her waist, bringing her body closer to him. ‘She's right where I should be.’ is the only thing Harry repeats over and over in his head. “What?” Niall's voice breaks Harry out of his overactive thoughts. Harry turns to look at Niall confused, “Huh?” “You’re mumbling to yourself there, are y’alright?” Harry just nods and waves Niall off, signaling to his friend that there’s nothing to worry about. Niall quirks up an eyebrow at him but chooses to let it go for now. Harry continues to look at Louis but immediately regrets it. In front of Harry and the entire room is a heated make out session between Louis and Eleanor. Some are laughing and some are whistling but that doesn't seem to deter the two from continuing on. Harry's clenching onto his cup until the plastic crushes and he feels the liquid run over his hands and jeans. “Does that feel good?” Harry's sudden voice turns the whole room silent.Eleanor breaks from Louis to look over at Harry who is now directing his stare onto her and her only. “Excuse me?” Her voice is soft but firm. “You heard me,” Harry stumbles up and throws his cup onto the ground, “does that feel good?”Everyone's looking at him now and Harry feels like he has nothing left to lose. Before Eleanor could speak, Harry continued, “Does he kiss your back and trace it for hours? Does he whisper sweet nothings for your ears only? Does he tell you that he needs you, that he couldn’t be without you?” he’s almost yelling now. Louis attempts to get up, but Harry only pushes him back down into the couch. “How well do you even know him?” Harry gets closer to Eleanor, “Do you know he can only sleep after he’s had a cup of tea? Do you know he fixes his hair at least 10 times before he can go anywhere? How about how he can’t resist pulling hair whenever he fucks, or does he do that to you too?”Eleanor stares at him with wide eyes with her hand stuck to her gaping mouth. Louis does nothing but stare at his lap in defeat knowing there’s nothing he can do or say to undo any of this. But it feels so good to Harry to get this off his chest and it’s no longer the tequila coming up his throat.“And you,” he points at Louis now, grabbing his chin so that he looks up directly at Harry, “I hope whenever you tell her you love her, when you’re deep inside of her, when you’re losing yourself in her, you think about me.” Louis ignores the heat he feels below his stomach, but he’s thinking of all the ways he could ravage Harry in this awfully inconvenient moment. Harry bends down just close enough that he’s inches away from Louis’ lips, “Come home, Louis.”Harry releases Louis’ chin from his hands, not bothering to look at any of the wide eyes that surrounded him. He begins to walk out the room and head towards the front door, suddenly not feeling so good. He feels a hand pulling his arm as he’s almost halfway to the door and it’s Eleanor, she’s not crying but she’s not happy at all either. “I don't know what’s going on between you two, but please leave me out of it.” She looks right into Harry's eyes and after a pause she leaves through the front door. Guilt washes over Harry but he continues to leave through the front door anyway. He finds himself sliding down the wall of the front entrance of the house with his head in his hands. Everything's spinning around him and he feels sick, not with alcohol, but with regret. Harry knows that it wasn’t Eleanor’s fault but the anger he felt was unconscionable and beyond any reasoning. He wanted her to feel hurt too, to know what it felt like to be betrayed by the only one who made you feel loved. He might have taken that away from her now but at least they were even. Harry's so lost in his head he doesn’t even feel the other body slide down next to him.“‘Come home, Louis.’ That was pretty good, Harry, I must say.” Louis pulls out a cigarette and lights it between his lips.“Fuck off Lou. I didn't mean it.” Harry knows he’s lying, and Louis knows Harry's lying too.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It's been weeks now since Harry and Louis shared that drunken comfortable silence after the party. Harry's outburst towards both Eleanor and Louis created the most tension their flat has ever seen. Harry doesn’t know how to apologize or if he should even apologize in the first place. Louis hasn’t quite yet found the words or the strength to talk to Harry, so now their entire flat is always filled with silence and unspoken words. Until one night, Harry is sitting on the stool by the kitchen island trying to catch up on some assignments and Louis suddenly has the urge to make tea.Harry pretends like he can’t hear or see Louis searching the cabinets for his favorite tea. Since Harry is the only one who’s ever kept their house clean and organized, Louis never knows where anything is. Louis doesn’t have Harry making his tea anymore either, so he keeps ruffling through the cabinets. He really wants to ask Harry where it is, but the fear of rejection and silence keeps him from doing so. “Can you please stop making noise?” Harry asks after a few minutes of Louis’ disturbance. Louis stops mid-search and his whole body freezes. He’s not sure if he should keep looking or simply just walk away from the entire situation, but of course, Louis is Louis and he cannot walk away.“I just can’t find the tea, Haz.” Louis says, turning around to look at Harry.Harry almost winces at the nickname but a part of him feels so endeared by it after all this time. They lock eyes now and the pleading look in Louis’ eyes makes Harry feel bad.Harry gets up from his stool and walks right up to where Louis is. His entire body is touching Louis’ torso now while he reaches at the top of the cabinet to grab the Yorkshire tea at the top. Louis just stares at Harry's chest as it’s almost pressed up against his face and Louis’ cheeks turn a bright shade of pink. Harry now has the box of tea in his hand to give to Louis and immediately notices the shy expression on the boy’s face. It almost makes Harry giggle the way Louis still gets so nervous around harry. Louis’ hand is suddenly being picked up by Harry's and Harry softly places the box in Louis’ palm, letting it linger there. They stay in this position for a moment but are too scared to look at each other so they both lock their eyes onto the tea box in their hands. “Harry,” Louis starts.“Can I kiss you?” Harry whispers.They don’t speak anymore, and Harry reaches down to press his lips against Louis’ and grabs the back of his neck. He needs him closer, and Louis’ body obliges. They sink into the kiss so easily but so needy as if they’ve been waiting for this moment for ages. Louis breaks from the kiss to say, “Harry, I'm sorry.”Harry just shakes his head, and Louis moves his hands down to Harry's hips. Harry stares into the blue eyes in front of him and he knows he can’t resist him for much longer.“I'm sorry, Louis. For what I did, for everything I said, for ruining everything.”“You don’t need to apologize to me, I'm the one who made all this mess. I ruined what we had for someone I couldn't love as much as I love you.” Louis hung his head in shame as he continued, “You were all I ever needed, all I ever thought about. I regret not choosing you. I was such a coward and I'm sorry harry.”They’re staring at each other again and Harry felt like he could cry all over again. Instead, he kisses Louis again. This kiss is soft, it’s slow and it says, ‘I forgive you and I love you’. The kiss gets hungrier and needier, they’ve been apart for too long and this feels too good. Louis’ grabbing Harry's hips harder now as they stumble around the kitchen. Louis can’t keep his hands off Harry, and he wants to feel every part of him after not being able to for so long. Louis picks Harry up which makes Harry squeak in excitement. He then places Harry on top of the kitchen island. His hands are gripping Harry's thighs, placing hot kisses along Harry's neck and collarbone. “Louis, please.” Harry breathes Louis grips harder in response to hearing his name come from Harry's sultry mouth. “Lou, I need you.” Harry's looking at Louis now while his hands trace Louis’ chest, making Louis’ breath hitch. “I need every part of you, Louis, I think I might die if I could never have you again.”Louis moans at how Harry is so needy for him and Louis needs Harry just as much. Shirts are being flung onto the floor and their pants have since been removed from their legs. With no time to waste, Louis wets his fingers and caresses Harry's entrance. Harry's whiny breaths get louder and louder while Louis eagerly preps him. “Louis, I–fuck, I need you now, please.” Harry stares directly into Louis’ eyes, biting his bottom lip. The image in front of Louis is obscene, watching Harry spread open on display and begging for more of Louis’ touch. Louis finally gives in and enters Harry, the intensity between them rises and they both fall into a familiar rhythm. Even after all this time, Harry still thought Louis was made for him by the way their bodies fit so perfectly together. As Louis filled him, the stretch that Louis’ length gave him felt like trust, it felt like exactly what they needed. Harry has always been Louis’ and no one else’s. Every single part of Harry is Louis’ to touch, kiss, and fuck. Harry feels unbelievably amazing under Louis, it’s euphoric. Louis can’t get enough of the sounds Harry makes and the way that Harry succumbs under his touch. And Harry was right, he might’ve died if he never got to feel this again.Their moans and cries when they finish sound like a beautiful symphony, nothing like they’ve ever made before. They finally look into each other’s eyes again and happiness glistens on them both. “What’re you thinking about?” Harry breaks the silence. “There's a universe inside your eyes and I think I could live in them forever.”Harry only smiles and kisses Louis again because Louis is the only thing Harry ever wants to see, so they’ll share this universe together.