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It was too good to be true.
It’s the first thing she thinks as Aaron walks her to her apartment after their first date, their linked hands swinging ever so slightly between them, her leftovers wrapped in foil in his spare hand. Every worry she’d had about their relationship moving from friendship to more unfounded, the line they’d walked like a tightrope for years finally crossed.She smiles as she turns to look at him when they make it to her apartment door, nerves simmering in her belly that make her feel nothing short of a schoolgirl, and she sinks her teeth into her lower lip as their eyes meet, “Can you stay?”He tightens his grip on her hand and lifts it, pressing a kiss against her knuckles, “Jack is with Jess tonight,” he says, his smile nervous, an edge to it that makes him look much younger than he is. It makes her feel better to know he’s just as affected by her as she is by him, that this was something they both wanted. He clears his throat, avoiding eye contact, “I don’t have to stay all night if you don’t want me to. I can stay for a drink and go.”She smiles and bites the inside of her cheek in an attempt to contain her smile. The thought that the man standing in front of her, the man she’d heard discuss the very worst of things a person could do to another without flinching, was talking around the subject of sex with her nothing short of adorable.“Oh, I want you to stay,” she says, cupping his cheek when he looks back at her. She leans in to kiss him and her hand slips around the back of his neck, her smile getting wider when she feels his hands on her hips, the foil swan containing her leftovers bumping against her waist. When she pulls back she rests her forehead against his, “Otherwise I’d have to call my other boyfriend to come over and make me breakfast in the morning.”It’s only after she’s said it she realises it’s the first time she’s referred to him that way, and her mouth goes dry, “I mean-”“Well, we can’t have that,” he says, cutting her off with another kiss, “I’ll have to make sure I’m here so he knows you’re my girlfriend now.”She feels ridiculous for how much she’s smiling, and she wonders where he came from. How this man had been standing in front of her for years without her noticing, perfect for her in ways she never could have guessed that afternoon when they first met in his office. A familiar feeling sinks in, a swooping in her gut she’d started to treat as a warning sign years ago.
It was too good to be true.
He was too good to be true, and she’d never been able to hang on to good things for long. Everything good and decent had always crumbled around her. Seemingly poisoned by her very presence, anything worth having turned bitter and snatched from her hands just as she was getting used to it. She’d almost forgotten about it when she found the team, when she found a family in the most unlikely of places, and then Ian escaped from prison, bringing the death knell that always seemed to follow her everywhere with him. She told herself when she came back that she wouldn’t let it happen again, that she wouldn’t get so comfortable it posed a risk to those around her, but then Aaron happened. Kind, sweet, handsome Aaron who had been there all along.She wonders if it’s selfish to pull him down with her, to allow herself to have him for however long she could before the universe, or a god she stopped believing in half a lifetime ago, tore it all away from her“Are you okay sweetheart?”His kind words and gentle touch pull her out of the spiral she’d fallen into, his eyebrows knitting together with concern when she looks up at him. She immediately feels a little calmer, the thing that she can only call love shining in his eyes as he cups her cheek, and she nods, stamping her lips against his before she finally moves to dig her keys out of her purse.“I’m fine,” she says, kissing him again as she unlocks the door, “Now let's get inside before we give my neighbours a show.”He laughs, the full-bodied one that never fails to make her smile, and he nods, pressing his face against her neck and his chest against her back as he crowds her against the door, and she shivers. “Cold?”She narrows her eyes at his smugness as she looks at him over her shoulder, her nose nudging against his because of his proximity, and she struggles to suppress a smile.“Something like that.”It might be too good to be true, but she’d hold onto it, onto him, for as long as she could.
___It’s a thought that chases her throughout their relationship, a phantom hiding in the shadows, only ever one step behind her, its hand reached out to pull her under as they move from boyfriend and girlfriend to fiancees, to husband and wife. It’s easy. Far easier than she ever thought it would be and it terrifies her, the simplicity of it all something she struggles to relax into.When they buy their house that seems absurdly easy too, both of them falling in love with the first one they are shown around in an instant, Aaron’s hand wrapped around hers as the realtor says the room next to the master bedroom would be a perfect nursery. A thought that made her giddy and terrified in equal measure.
No matter how much time passes, no matter how happy she feels, the thought always lingers in the back of her mind, a twisted mantra she can’t escape.It was too good to be true.
___The relief is palpable as she feels her baby slip from her body into the waiting hands of the nurse between her legs. Emily collapses back against Aaron, barely feeling the way he squeezes her hands or kisses the side of her head, his whispered words of love against her sweaty skin drowned out by the piercing first cry of her son.And then she is handed him, her shaky hands unlinking from her husband’s as she holds her son against her chest, entirely unsure when someone had pulled her gown down so she could do the immediate skin-to-skin she’d been insistent on in her birth plan. Phrases she’d never heard before like ‘the Golden Hour’ suddenly more important to her than she thought they’d ever be.“Hi baby,” she says, her voice sounding nothing like her own as she holds him close, her eyes skating over features she’d only seen in grainy scans. She kisses his forehead before she rests her cheek against the top of his head, “Look at you,” she looks up at Aaron, “Look at him.”“He’s beautiful,” he replies, his hand tangled in her sweaty hair as he kisses her temple and then their little boy’s head, “Just like you.”For a moment it’s just the three of them, no outside influence, the nurses and the doctor disappearing from her awareness as her son’s cries quieten down, his screwed-up face finally relaxing as he stops protesting being born.“You’re okay, sweet boy,” she says, unable to stop staring at him, her gaze shifting from his nose to his lips to his head full of dark hair, quickly cataloguing everything about him as if it would be snatched away, “Mommy’s got you.”Everything and everyone else in the room comes back into sharp focus as she feels a hand on her leg, the nurse's eyes kind as she looks up, “Would Dad like to cut the chord?”Aaron nods, and it takes a little manoeuvring from him to get out from behind her, her grip on the baby briefly tighter as she sits up just enough to let her husband slip out from the bed. She watches as he listens carefully as he’s told what to do, his brow furrowed as if he is staring at paperwork in his office as he cuts the chord between the two clamps she hadn’t even noticed were put in place. She smiles at him as he does it, a look of wonder in his eyes as he looks up at her, a flash of innocence that reminds her of Jack that she hopes she’ll see in her newborn’s eyes as he grows.“Do we have a name for Baby Boy Hotchner?” Another nurse asks, standing at a counter in the corner, matching wristbands laid out in front of her, that Emily knows she’ll cut free from her and her son the moment they get home and keep forever, a rare show of sentimentalism she’ll allow herself this once, “Or are we sticking with Baby Boy for now?”Emily looks at Aaron, a silent question passing between the two of them, and his only answer is a nod, a quiet agreement that the name they’d chosen was perfect.“He’s called Samuel. Samuel Aaron Hotchner.”Eventually, once her hour is up, her placenta already delivered and gone, the seeming army of medical staff that had been in her room whittled down to just one nurse who was weighing and measuring Samuel, Aaron convinces her to shower. She hesitates, her gaze fixed on her little boy in the corner of the room, her teeth clenched as she watches a stranger coo over him, but Aaron insists. He repeats the nurse's assurance that she’d feel better for it and that he’d keep an eye on their infant son.She hates that she does feel better for it, her sore body somewhat soothed by the warm water and the gentle soap Aaron had bought and packed for her. She has to sit down to get dressed, wincing as she bends over to pull up a pair of disposable panties that resemble a diaper more than anything else. She blows out a steady breath as she looks at herself in the mirror, wiping away the steam that had collected on it to get a better look at herself. She turns sideways to look at her profile, her hands pressing against her slightly deflated belly, the squishiness strange after so many months of being able to feel her son shifting beneath her skin.A familiar feeling climbs up her throat, greeting her like an old friend as she feels the overwhelming urge to see her little boy, the fear that she could no longer protect him now he didn’t live inside of her overwhelming. She bursts out of the bathroom, the panic dying the second she sees Aaron sitting in the plush chair next to her bed, a soft smile on his face as he looks up from Samuel who was now in one of the tiny onesies they’d brought in. She’d cried when she’d packed it in their hospital bag, completely at the mercy of her hormones as she tried to imagine how it would be possible for her son to be so small he could fit inside of it. She tries to ignore that it’s clearly a little big on him, sure if she went down that rabbit hole of emotions she’d never climb back out.“How was the shower?”She only realises Aaron’s asked her a question when she looks up at him, his smile expectant as she clears her throat and nods, shuffling slowly over to the bed, “The water pressure was crap,” she complains, smiling gratefully when he stands and offers her a hand to help her onto the bed, Samuel safe and secure against his chest with the other, “But I think it might be the best shower I’ve ever had.”He chuckles, and she doesn’t think she’s ever loved him more than when he passes Samuel over without her asking too, “Even better than the one where we conceived-”“If you ever want to have sex again, don’t finish that sentence,” she grumbles, unable to stop herself from smiling when she thinks of the night he’s talking about, the night they’d calculated must have been when she’d fallen pregnant.Aaron nods and clears his throat, “I texted JJ and she’s going to tell everyone else,” he says, smiling when she raises an eyebrow at him for the abrupt change in subject, “I thought that was the best way to make sure we’re largely left alone.”“Thank you,” she says, patting Samuel’s back when he fusses in his sleep, “And my mom?”“Called her and told her you’d speak to her tomorrow.”She hums and kisses the top of her baby’s head, “Daddy is the best, Sammy” she whispers, breathing in the smell of her little boy, “He loves us so much,” she rests her cheek against the top of his head, “Jack?”“He was already asleep when I called Jess,” Aaron explains, his smile soft as he sits on the edge of the bed, his hand heavy on Emily’s thigh, “She’ll bring him in the morning to meet him.”“Good,” she replies, trying to relax into the feeling of Samuel against her chest, “I’m excited for them to meet.”“You must be tired,” Aaron says, and she tenses, holding her baby even closer, “If you need to sleep-”“I don’t need sleep,” she cuts him off, a mix of anger she knows he doesn’t deserve and overwhelming sadness swirling in her gut. She feels no warning that she’s about to cry, the first sign the weight of her tears hitting her cheek, spilling over and catching in Samuel’s dark hair, “I’m fine.”“Em,” he says, endlessly patient in a way that somehow makes her feel worse, “What’s wrong?”She blows out a slow breath, unsure how to put it into words, her chest concaving inwards as all of her fears pile on top of her at once, “I…” she shakes her head at herself, “I don’t know how to explain it.”He stands up and for a second she misses his warmth, but then he’s next to her, half hanging off the bed, one of his feet on the ground to steady himself, and he wraps his arm around her and gently pulls her against him. “You can tell me anything, you know that.”She nods and turns her head to kiss his shoulder, “I…I worry I have too much.”He furrows his brow and shifts so he can see her face a little better, “What do you mean, sweetheart?”She sighs not even surprised when more tears fall past her lashline, her last remaining defences that had stayed standing during her pregnancy destroyed by a long labour and the almost oppressive love she felt for Samuel. Her chest so full of it she could barely breathe, the fear that she’d never been able to outrun still ticking over in her mind, background noise she could ignore right up until she couldn’t.
It was too good to be true.
“Before you, I never got to keep anything good for long,” she explains, leaning into his palm when he wipes a tear from her cheek, “I was never happy for long. Even when I joined the team, that didn’t last because of Ian. So I keep just…waiting for the other shoe to drop. For something to happen. Because I don’t understand how after everything…” she chokes on a sob, her chin trembling with such force she worries her jaw may shatter, “I just don’t understand why I get it have it all now. You. Jack. The house,” she sobs again, her attention focusing back on Samuel, “Him. I mean look at him, Aaron,” she runs her knuckles over her son’s soft cheek, “He’s perfect. How could something so perfect come from me?”He sighs, “Em-”“And I love our life so much,” she says, cutting over him, unable to stop now she’s started, “And I am so worried that it’s all going to go away.”She presses her face into his shoulder and he places his hand on the back of her head, holding her close his thumb tracing back and forth over her damp hair, “Sweetheart, you deserve the world,” he says, kissing her forehead, “You’re allowed to allow yourself to be happy.”“It’s not that I’m not happy, honey,” she says, sniffing as she pulls back, “I’m so happy I just…”“Don’t trust it,” he finishes for her and she nods. He wipes more tears from her cheeks, “I understand that.”She frowns as she looks up at him, moving so quickly she briefly worries she’s woken up Samuel, but he’s still sleeping contentedly against her, “You do?”He nods, tucking some of her hair behind her ear, “I do. Sometimes if I try to call you and you don’t answer I panic, it takes me right back to when I was on the phone with Haley when she was with Foyet. When I couldn’t protect her,” he admits, and she sighs sadly, her chest shuddering with it as she opens her mouth to respond, but he shakes his head, his smile soft, “You have nothing to apologise for. I’m telling you I understand, okay? But you, Jack,” he smiles as he looks at the baby asleep on her chest and he places his hand on his back, “Sammy. You’re what makes me happy. And it helps drown out the rest of it.”She’s strangely grateful he doesn’t offer her platitudes, that there are no empty promises hanging between them. They knew more than most people that nothing was guaranteed, and it was more comforting than she expected it to be that he knew how she felt too.“It also probably doesn’t help you haven’t slept in over 24 hours,” he says softly, and she chokes on a laugh, nodding as he wipes more tears away from her cheeks.“No, it probably doesn’t,” she admits, “But I really don’t think I’d sleep. I can’t explain it,” she says, tucking Samuel up against her cheek, “I feel almost wired.”He chuckles and kisses the top of her head, “Yet Sammy is fast asleep.”She hums, “It’s hard work being born, clearly.”“Anything I can do to help?” He asks, and she nods stamping a kiss against his lips.“Can you do something with my hair for me?” She asks, feeling oddly embarrassed by the request, grimacing at the damp waves against her neck, “It’s overstimulating me but I don’t want to put him down to do anything about it.”He nods, his expression serious as he stands up and heads for the bag they’d packed, a determination in his step that made her fall impossibly more in love with him. “I can braid it if you want,” he says, turning to look at her with her hairbrush in one hand and a pack of hair ties in the other, “It will let me practise if our next one is a girl.”She laughs loudly, disturbing the sleeping baby in her arms. She shushes him, whispers of Mommy loves you Sammy, against his head for a few seconds before he settles back down, and she raises an eyebrow at her husband.“Our next one?” She asks incredulously, the thought of another kid with him warming her from the inside out, “At least let me get out of the diaper from having this one first,” she says, narrowing her eyes playfully, “Animal.” She smiles as he settles back on the bed next to her and she leans in to kiss him, “I love you.”He smiles into the kiss, his forehead resting against hers before he pulls away, “I love you too.”She sighs contentedly as he gently brushes her hair for her and she closes her eyes, allows herself to settle into the feeling of her son on her chest and her husband behind her and the comfort that came with them.
Her life was good.