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“Welcome to reality!”That’s what Mito had said before she buried Gon under piles of paperwork and textbooks. It filled him with dread, but he knew there was no getting out of this, not with Mito here. So day after day, Gon read, wrote, read, and wrote. Secretly, Gon was just happy to be occupied with something, though he’d never admit that to Mito. Mixed between forms and textbooks, Gon and Mito exchanged endless stories from the time they spent away from each other. Days passed, and by the time he had finished his schoolwork, he had already been home for a week.“I must say, I’m pretty impressed, Gon,” Mito stated with her hands on her hips, admiring the completed pile. “Did the Hunters have you doing a lot of exams or something?”“We did have an exam, but it was nothing like this. It was way more fun!”Mito rolled her eyes. “Well, since you’re done cramming, it’s about time you got out! I’m surprised you’ve even managed to stay put for so long. What’re you gonna do tomorrow?”Gon blinked. “What am I gonna do tomorrow? Hm…” An unsettling feeling dipped in his stomach.“Well, I’m going to be at the store as usual. If you’re free, you should come by and help me.”But Gon gave no response, as he was suddenly faced with a new existential crisis. Gon laid on his bed, arms folded behind his head. This was the first time in months—no, years—where he had a moment to himself. Not on the road, not fighting someone, not traveling in a new country. Just laying on his bed, in his home, all alone.And it felt nice. He had missed Aunt Mito and grandma. He felt guilty enough for leaving them, and was happy he could make up for it by spending some quality time with them now. He stared up at the ceiling, breathing deeply, letting himself get lost in his thoughts for the first time since he returned home.Gon wondered what Killua was doing. His heart twinged at the thought of him laughing and having fun with Alluka, without Gon. At least they wouldn’t be having the kind of crazy adventures that he had had with Gon. The thought of Killua meeting stronger Hunters and having exciting journeys without him killed Gon. So, naturally, Gon pushed that thought to the back of his mind.He had apologized to Killua. It was brief and short, and he hadn’t done it entirely seriously the way he should’ve, but he knew Killua would understand. He was confident they’d always be friends. Besides, even if he didn’t have Killua, Gon knew he could still have adventures.But that was the thing. Gon didn’t know what to do next.He didn’t like to think about that. There were things to do—like shopping at the fish market with Mito, sitting at the table listening to Mito and grandma tell stories about Whale Island, and visiting all his friends in the forest. Heck, he could even go workout at the tiny gym. And Kite said her invitation would always be open to Gon.But… he couldn’t help but hate that he had no goal anymore. One part of his head, noisy and unrelenting, would persist that it was just a matter of time before he’d find something to do, a goal to chase, a journey to set on—after all, he was Gon! But another dull, pounding part of his head told him that since he had found his father, he had no goal now, which made him… worthless.Especially when he thought about all the countless adventures Ging had been on, all of Kite’s team and friends that he had helped rescue and research animals with, and… even Killua had a new goal, one that had nothing to do with him. Killua had Alluka to protect now, so he didn’t need Gon anymore.Gon rolled over in his bed. He started scrunching the bedsheets between his fingers, rolling a fold back and forth. It pained him deeply to think about all of it. The journey had started out so great, so fun, so bright—he met Kurapika, Leorio, and Killua, and so many others—Hanzo, Melody, even Hisoka. He didn’t understand at what point, and how, things suddenly just spiraled out of control. A tear rolled down his cheek, which led to choked sobs. He hated the sound of his crying. He shoved his face into his pillow in an attempt to muffle the sounds.An instant later, Gon shot up, a lightbulb suddenly going off in his head. It was so obvious! ‘I just need to find a new goal, and then I’ll meet new friends again, and have new fun adventures and get even stronger, and then it’ll all be okay, I’ll be different from before! I’ll prove it!’Excited from this sudden revelation, Gon jumped off his bed and attempted ten, as though now that he knew what to do, his aura was supposed to cooperate and start working again. ‘Well, alright, if that doesn’t work, then maybe…’ Gon took a deep breath. Ren! Nothing. Gon felt no aura in his body, just humiliation.Sinking to the floor, a wash of despair seeped through his bones. He thought back to the conversation with Ging. He recalled the feelings of nervousness and disbelief as his dad’s words spelled out his new reality: “You’re back to normal now.” Ging had also said that if he wanted his nen, then that would just be ungrateful. But, what could he do if he didn’t have his nen? Who would Gon be now, without his nen? Who would he appear as to Killua, who would continue to train and learn so many new cool techniques?He couldn’t stand the feeling of uncertainty. He immediately started dialing Killua’s number, but before he hit ring, he paused.
If that’s not enough, then you’re just being ungrateful.
Killua was the one who brought him back. To be specific, it was Nanika. But it was Killua’s idea and he brought Nanika to him. If he called Killua now to whine and cry about losing his nen, what would Killua think? Gon’s stomach churned in on itself. Killua had already left with Alluka. They were travelling the world together. And he was number two now. Killua had made that clear enough. That was the price of Gon’s actions. That’s what Gon had become—a burden.Tears pricked Gon’s eyes again as he realized, he couldn’t afford to act recklessly to lose Killua for good. Even if all he wanted to do was to seek help. Something nasty and uncomfortable bubbled in him at the thought of, even if I’m only number two. I still don’t want to lose him. Confronted with an impossible conflict, Gon decided to push it aside for the meantime and deal with it later. One problem at a time. Who else could he ask? Gon thought of back to the last time Killua refused to help him. Who had he gone to then? Wing! A spark of hope sizzled in Gon’s chest.“You can’t access your nen? Interesting…”“What should I do, Wing?”“Hmm, that’s a good question. The most important thing is, what do you want now?”Gon was silent as he picked at the bedsheets. “That’s the problem…I don’t know.”Wing chuckled gently. “Gon, you don’t have to sound so sad. It’s completely normal to not know what you want, especially after you just accomplished a major goal!”That just made Gon want to cry even more. Wing waited patiently as Gon sniffled softly.“How about Killua, where is he now? Why don’t you accompany him for a short while, the same way he did with you when he didn’t know what he wanted to do?”“I can’t,” Gon cried, face flushing and hating the way his voice trembled. “He’s gone now. It’s too late.”“O-okay, sorry, I shouldn’t have brought up Killua. Gon, I think it’s actually very simple! Do you want to find a way to get your nen back and continue living as a Hunter, or do you want to see what life is like to live without it again?”Gon wanted to jump up and scream, OF COURSE I WANT TO KEEP BEING A HUNTER! But he knew that would be completely irresponsible of him. “I…I’m not sure.” Then, he said so quietly that Wing could just barely make out his words, “I don’t know if I deserve to be a Hunter anymore.”There was a pause on the other end of the phone that deepened the doubt in Gon’s belly. He knew it, Wing agreed that Gon had been wrong. That his first teacher also believed he wasn’t worthy of being a Hunter, that it was wrong to teach him nen. Gon felt a burning shame.“Gon, you’re allowed to want to be a Hunter. And technically, as long as you pass the Hunter Exam and abide by the laws of the Hunter Association, anyone is deserving of being a Hunter.”“But—”“That being said, as one of your teachers, of course I am extremely upset by the way you used your power!”Gon grimaced. Here it was.“Am I right in assuming that Killua leaving has something to do with this, too?”“I think so.”Wing sighed. Everything he had feared and anticipated the moment he taught the two boys nen had all come to fruition. “Gon, you’re still young. But you must learn from your mistakes. Do you understand?”Gon’s brain started blowing a fuse. He knew what Wing meant of course, but he didn’t really understand. “I don’t know what I can do, what I should do. I feel trapped.”“You are plenty smart and strong. How about this, I will give you an assignment. Your first goal can be to find the answer to this question: Why do you want to be a Hunter?”“Because I want to get stronger—”“No, Gon, you must spend time truly thinking about it. It’s the perfect time—you have nothing to do, you’re at home, you need to reflect on everything that happened since you met me. Why do you want to be a Hunter? What exactly does being strong mean to you? Why does it bother you to be back to normal? Do you understand?”“…Osu, Master Wing.”“Good. I will check up on you in a month. Before then, do not assume you have the answer. Good night, Gon.”After hanging up, Gon groaned and plopped back down onto his bed. Gon was a grumpy grumbling mess the next morning.“What’s gotten into you?” Mito asked.“Ugh,” Gon replied.‘It’s definitely time for him to get out of the house’, Mito thought. “We’re out of fish and vegetables, so you’ll have to head down to the market.”It was Gon’s first time back down at the sea market in over two years. Seagulls circled in the air, waiting for an unaware merchant. Children idly played with stones by the water. Middle aged aunties chattered about town gossip and dinner recipes. There was something about the homely familiarity he had missed.“Hey, ain’t that Mito’s kid? You’ve grown!”“Heh, hello, Mr Zano.”“Did you ever end up finding your ol’ pop?”“I did!”It was about the fourth time he was having the same conversation catching up when a loud crash three stalls down caught his attention. Gon quickly bid goodbye and rushed over.A thin young man groaned in a pile of rubble and broken crates while a burly man shouted over him. “Stop! What’re you doing?”The burly man shadowed over Gon. “None of your business, squirt. Scram!”Gon felt a burning sensation, but he turned and knelt to help the man out of the rubble. “Are you okay?”“I don’t know,” the man said, voice shaking. Before he could say another word, the large man’s foot pressed him back down onto the ground.In a flash, Gon punched the big man and sent him flying into a stall. People screamed and fled. Fish flew out of baskets and flopped onto the street. Gon flinched at damaging people’s property, since this wasn’t just some random street in Yorknew, this was Whale Island, and he knew it wouldn’t be easy to get those replaced. And yet, he felt an inner joy in that moment. It was all so familiar, so satisfying, so empowering—being able to protect someone, to fight again.“Are you out of your goddamn mind? Who the fuck are you?”“I’m Gon! Gon Freecss!”“Freecss? You mean… you’re Ging’s son! Ha! What a joke.”“What’s that supposed to mean?” The long-missed adrenaline rush left as quickly as it came. Gon felt an uncontrollable rage building up inside of him.“We’ve all heard about your story. Your grand adventure. You got yourself nearly killed trying to find the crazy man, but Ging didn’t even care! And I sure can see why. As crazy as he is, you’ll never amount to Ging…!”Gon felt his vision grow blurry and his hearing muffled as a rage consumed him. “That’s not true,” he managed to breathe out. He heard hushed voices from the crowd that gathered all around.“So that’s Ging’s kid, huh?”“Bopo’s crazy! Gon, don’t listen to him! He’s just a loser!”“I heard one of the sailors say that Gon was famous in some association…”Gon took a step forward towards Bopo. The crowd went silent.“W-what do you want? I’m not afraid of you, punk!”That was the last thing that came out of Bopo’s mouth. “Oh my god, what happened, Gon? Why are you covered in blood?”Gon looked down at his shirt. There were just a few tiny splatters. “They’re from the fish.”Mito furrowed her brows. “You were helping butcher the fish…?”“Yeah, it’s the least I could do,” Gon muttered as he dropped the fish off on the kitchen table and stalked to his room. Dinner was quiet. Gon was still in a daze, shoveling food into his mouth slowly, as Mito and grandma exchanged looks. When Gon got up to wash the dishes, Mito placed a hand on his arm. “Gon, can we talk for a moment?”Gon sat back down, blinking at Mito, as grandma left the room. “What is it, Mito-san?”She smiled gently. “Can you tell me what really happened at the fish market?”Gon sighed. “I just got into a fight. It’s fine.”“Nuh uh, that’s not gonna cut it. I want the details. Who, where, when, why…”“Mito, I’m really tired.”“Now, mister.”Gon grumbled. “I got mad because he was throwing this poor guy around. Then he started saying some things to me and… and I just, I just kind of lost it.”Mito’s eyebrows creased. “Gon, what do you mean you lost it?”“I beat him. He deserved it.”There was a pause. “What did he say?”Gon tensed. He recalled Bopo’s taunting remarks clearly, especially the one about not living up to Ging. But they got stuck in his throat. “Nothing. It’s not important.”“…I’ve never seen this side of you before, Gon. Did…did something like this happen on your journey to find Ging, too?”Gon stood up abruptly at the sound of his father’s name. Mito tried to grab his arm again, but he ignored her and placed his dishes in the sink with a loud clatter. “No, of course not, Mito. Don’t worry. I’m going to wash up now.” Gon washed his face, brushed his teeth, and scrubbed the blood splatters off his shirt before tossing it into the laundry pile. When there was nothing left to do, he plopped back down onto his bed. Tomorrow I should go to the gym, Gon thought to himself. Whale Island had one small gym in the village center. That meant he’d have to pass by the fish market again.Gon turned to his side. Bopo’s words replayed over and over again in his head. “Ging didn’t even care… You’ll never amount to Ging…” Gon’s body tensed as he started to feel a gnawing emptiness in his gut. He felt sick. He really wished he could just call Killua and ask him what he thought Gon should do now. Killua always knew.Instead, he tried to focus on the question Wing asked him. It frustrated him. Of course he wanted to be a Hunter again! How was that even a question? But he was curious why Wing had even posed the option of returning to a life without nen. Could that be a life worth living, too? What would that even feel like?Gon grunted. A horrible, boring life. He couldn’t imagine being content with living a normal life. So then why would Wing ask him that? And Wing had to know why Gon wanted to be a Hunter. Wasn’t it the same for everyone?He thought of Ging, who was probably off having some crazy adventures again. He had heard something about a dark continent and Netero’s son. If only he had his nen, he could have joined Ging…! Gon turned around and started beating his pillow. How could Ging tell him to be grateful for being normal when he was one of the strongest Hunters in the world?Even worse, without nen, how could Gon fight alongside the strongest Hunters? What would he be worth? Wouldn’t Ging just be proving Bopo right, that Gon couldn’t live up to Ging, by telling him to be grateful with being normal…? Was it true? Did he say those things because he doesn’t actually care about Gon?What was there left for him, without nen? The next morning, Gon found Mito in her usual position, sitting silently at the dining table, hands cupped around a mug of coffee. But the air was tense. He knew what was coming.“Gon? There’s some toast and fresh jam there if you’re hungry.”“Sure, thanks Mito-san.”“Also, the mail came in this morning. There’s a few more forms you need to fill out for school and social services. They want to know more details.”“Ugh, okay.”It was silent except for the scraping sound of the blueberry jam getting smeared onto his toast.“So I heard from Salia what happened yesterday at the fish market.”Gon sat down diagonally across the table from Mito and bit into his toast. Mito reached across and grabbed his hand, inspecting it.“Are you hurt?”“No, I’m fine,” Gon replied, somewhat offended, retracting his hand.Mito bore her gaze into Gon. “Gon, I don’t know what kind of things happen in the world of Hunters. I don’t know what kind of lives you guys lead. But, this is Whale Island. This isn’t the land of Hunters and Ging. What you did yesterday wasn’t right.”“Then, maybe I don’t belong here.”Mito sighed and rubbed her forehead. “Gon, that’s not what I meant. Of course you’re always welcome here. This is your home. But you can’t just go around beating people up because you happened to see them getting into a fight.”“I had to protect him. Bopo was—”“Gon, I’ve lived on this island for my whole life. I know Bopo better than you ever will. And he certainly did not deserve a broken nose and cracked ribs.”Gon winced. “Yeah, but—”“And do you even know the name of the other man?”Gon fell silent. Of course Mito knew that he didn’t.“The other man, Cyril, hadn’t paid Bopo back his debt for years now. Then, they had another conflict between families, and… It’s a lot more complicated than you think, and you just went in and not only complicated it further, you also have now involved our family into it.”Gon gulped. He felt like a fool.“So, what do you think you should do to resolve the issue?” Mito looked at him with keen eyes. She was testing him.“I’ll go talk to Cyril. I’ll help him pay back the debt—”Mito burst out into laughter. Gon blinked at her.“Really? So this is all you’ve learned as a great and mighty Hunter?”
“Mito!”“You can’t even resolve a simple island folk issue. What is it with you Hunters? You guys just solve all your problems with fists and money? You’re gonna pay back the debt that’s been haunting Cyril for the past three years like some superhero? So what, he’ll feel grateful to you?”Gon started feeling angry for real. But he couldn’t retort, not to Mito. “Then what do you think I should do?”Mito gave him a satisfied smirk. “You’re going to take a basket of fruit to Bopo’s family, apologize to them, and help tend to Bopo’s injuries. Then you can go and see how to help Cyril.”Gon gritted his teeth.“Understand?”Gon looked away, burning. When Mito reached out a hand, he spun and fled out the door.“Gon!” Mito shouted. She looked at the empty chair her son was just sitting in, knocked over on the floor, and sighed. Gon raced down the grass field. He went where his legs took him, completely numbing out his mind. He couldn’t think or feel anymore. It was all too much.When Gon slowed down to take in his surroundings, he realized he had come to the forest. For some reason, a dull voice in the back of his head dissuaded him from coming here since he returned to Whale Island. But now that he was at the edge of the woods, he felt a rush of familiarity flood through his body. He let himself grin wide and allowed the excitement take him into the forest.The tall, towering trees comforted him with their soft swaying branches and rustling leaves. The sound of critters pacing and leaping accompanied his steps as he went deeper into the forest. But then, the voice came back. “Don’t go any further. You’ll regret it.”Gon furrowed his brows and clenched his fist. He wasn’t going to let this voice control him any further, he was there already, and he was going to find out what it was exactly that was so frightening.Dried leaves and forest matter crunched under his footsteps, and Gon’s heart thumped like a drum, but by that point Gon’s senses were all completely directed scouting out the source of his fears. In what seemed like ages, Gon had reached the outer edge of the forest, where the cliff overlooked the sparkling ocean. His breath blew away with the wind.The feeling of standing on the edge, faced with the vast expanse, reminded him of watching the small-billed swans before he had left for Whale Island. It reminded him of Kite.A single tear rolled down Gon’s cheek before he collapsed to the ground.Of course. That’s who he had blocked out. Kite.Sure, Kite was reborn as a girl, and she still had some memories, and she would continue to work with the same team. But that didn’t relieve the guilt and shame deeply embedded in Gon now. In some ways, it made it worse.Tears started rolling down Gon’s cheeks as he raised a hand and hit himself. Not enough. It would never be enough. It felt inevitable—like Gon was just built this way. He met Kite by putting both of them in danger with Kon and his mother, and he ended Kite’s life by putting them both in danger with Pitou. It just wasn’t fair.He lowered his hands and looked down at them, tears flooding his vision. Hitting himself wouldn’t change anything. Not even giving up his life could change anything. The only thing that had changed was that he lost nen. And that had to be karma. Some nen god decided, Gon didn’t deserve to have nen anymore, not after all he did. Having nen meant too much power, too much danger, for Gon to handle.Gon looked over the cliff. He wasn’t high enough that it would kill him to fall from this height.Rustling caught his attention. Gon swiveled around in a heartbeat, noting with surprise and slight shame how after weeks of not training or fighting, his instincts had weakened significantly. A few seconds later, he sighed in relief to see no unwelcomed visitor. But deep down, Gon knew he was disappointed. He hoped it was Kon, coming back to say hi, to let him know that he was forgiven. Forgive him for Kite’s death, for losing Killua, for being weak.But, no one appeared. All Gon had was himself. Later that evening, Mito decided she would pay Bopo a visit first. Gon was still a child after all, having trouble just making an apology. Hauling a huge basket of flowers and fruit, she trudged her way to Bopo’s house and knocked on the door. A burly woman swung open the door in an instant.“Mito-chan! Are you here to pick up Gon?”Mito blinked. “Huh? Uh, yes, I think?”The woman’s laughter boomed from her chest. “That silly child. He’s always been a bit reckless, huh? Don’t worry about it, as much of an idiot Bopo is, he wouldn’t hold anything against a child.” She motioned for Mito to enter the house. Walking through the corridor, Mito found Gon sitting next to Bopo, who was laying on a makeshift bed. They were so busy laughing neither of them noticed Mito.“Ahem,” Mito cleared her throat.Gon’s head snapped in Mito’s direction. “Mito-san!” He immediately clambered up and grabbed the heavy basket from Mito’s arms, and placed it by Bopo’s bed. Mito raised an eyebrow at the slightly smaller fruit basket that was also on the nightstand.“I see you came after all,” Mito said, smiling. She silently observed the puffiness around Gon’s eyes. Gon stuck out his tongue sheepishly and rubbed his head. “Sorry for running out, Mito-san.”“Ha ha ha!” Bopo boomed, then instantly wincing and covering a hand over his ribs. “It’s alright, Mito. Give the kid a break. He’s got a good heart. Besides, I can’t not respect him for his fighting skills! What a powerhouse.”Mito rolled her eyes. “Yeah yeah, he’s just like his dad. Soon he’ll be out there galivanting across who knows where.”As much as she hated to admit it, Mito could feel Gon radiating with joy at that statement. After they arrived home, Mito and Gon put away the gifts Bopo’s family left them, and headed upstairs to Mito’s bedroom to put away the laundry.“I’m surprised you went on your own. Surprised, but proud.”Gon grinned. “Hehe, so I’m off the hook?”Mito flicked him. “This time you are. But don’t forget to fill out all the new paperwork! You’ve barely made a dent in those.”Gon stuck out his tongue. “Can’t you just do it for me? I’m not even a Hunter anymore!”Mito blinked. “You’re not?”“Well, I guess I still have my license. But I can’t even use nen! That means I’m barely a Hunter.”Mito rubbed her chin. “I don’t know enough about you Hunters, but I’m sure having nen isn’t the only qualification.”Gon paused. “Actually, in a way, I’m a bit relieved that I can’t use my nen anymore.”“Hmm? Why’s that?” Mito gestured for Gon to pass the folded bedsheets, and he placed them in her hands.“I think I started taking it for granted. Having that kind of power. I felt like I should have been able to do anything. I even defeated this evil bomber guy called Genthru, all by myself. But when we met those ants, I just couldn’t accept the fact that there were these creatures that were so much more powerful than us.”Mito looked at Gon. Gon swallowed. His throat felt like it was closing in on itself.“And, because I couldn’t accept it, I… a lot of people were in danger. Especially Killua. And Kite, he even died because of me.”“I’m so sorry, Gon.”“And I just can’t accept that!” Gon burst into sobs.Gon didn’t usually show his vulnerable side to Mito. He felt as though he was enough of a burden for Mito to have to take care of and for the most part he tried to make her life easier. But somehow, being at home in all its slowed down comfort, with no exciting enemies and life-threatening battles to distract him, had softened him. He felt Mito’s arms pull him into a tight hug.“That does sound like a pretty big price to pay for a mistake you made,” Mito said softly as she caressed Gon’s shoulder.“It’s horrible, and I just can’t accept it,” Gon cried, clutching at his chest which felt like it was going to implode in on itself. “But I have no choice, I have to accept it, because look, I can’t even use nen anymore!”Mito held Gon while he sniffled. “Have you apologized to Killua?”Gon stiffened. “I kind of did,” he said sheepishly.“So not a proper one, like the one you gave Bopo today?”Gon felt racked with guilt. He pulled back a little, wanting to squirm away. But he knew there was no escaping Mito’s expectant look. “No.”“That’s a good place to start, isn’t it? I’m sure Killua misses you too. Why don’t you call him and talk with him?”Hope and dread surged in his chest at the same time. But he knew he had to try. Gon didn’t know what he wanted more—for Killua to pick up, or to not pick up.“Hello?” It was quiet and meek, slightly unsure of itself, but Gon’s heart lurched at the nonetheless familiar voice.“Killua!” he burst out. “I miss you so much!”“W-what? Gon! How can you just say that! Alluka, stop laughing!”Gon giggled. It felt so good, just to say hi to his best friend again. “Where are you guys? What’re you doing?”There was a pause. Gon’s heart skipped a beat. “Uh, we’re still in Yorknew. Just taking it easy.”“Oh, nice.” Gon could tell there was more Killua wasn’t telling him. You’re number two now.“And? What about you?? Are you still at Whale Island? How’s Mito?”“She’s great! Always nagging me to complete schoolwork and stuff… Did you know we have to fill out SOOO much paperwork after becoming a Hunter? To the school, to social services…”“Ha, I’d never have to do that. The government never bothers us for that kind of stuff.”“Lucky!”Silence. Gon couldn’t open his mouth to say the words.“So, uh, why did you call? Is everything okay?”No, Gon wanted to scream. Please help me. “I…did you know that I lost my nen?”“What?? No way! Nanika—”“No, no, it’s not Nanika’s fault. It’s my fault. If anything, I owe my life to you and Nanika and Alluka. It’s not that I lost it per say, but I can’t access it anymore. Ging said he could still feel aura on me though.”Gon could feel Killua thinking through the phone. “That’s not what I meant. Nanika wouldn’t have been able to make the choice to not give you back your nen, since I asked her to return you back to normal. Which means either two things—one, it was beyond even Nanika’s abilities to give you back everything from the state you were in. Or, two…”“…My normal state is not having nen,” Gon finished for him, voice strained. “That my aura not coming out is what’s better for me.”“Gon, it could also be your body reacting to everything that’s happened. Your aura needs a break. I mean, you didn’t see it, but you looked pretty freakin’—Okay fine Alluka I’ll stop! Stop tickling me!”Gon felt his heart shattering. He wished he was the one there tickling Killua. “I know, Killua. Actually, I had the same thought.”A pause. “Really?”“Really.” Gon allowed himself to feel a tiny bit of pride at the surprise in Killua’s voice. “I think my body and mind both kind of freaked out after everything that happened. I’ll probably need to relearn nen… think about what it means to me.”“Wow. Is this still the same Gon I know? Where is Gon and what did you do with him?”Gon giggled softly, and he knew it was time. His stomach dropped at what he was about to say next. “Actually, Killua, that wasn’t the thing I wanted to tell you. That wasn’t why I called you.”“Eh? What other crazy things have you been up to?”Gon gulped. “I wanted to say I’m sorry.”The other end went silent. Gon half expected Killua to brush him off, or even for Alluka to intercept. But instead, it sounded like he was waiting. He had been waiting for this.“You’re right. I need a break. I was…too caught up with all our exciting adventures and it just felt so good to always be getting stronger and stronger and closer to finding Ging. Having you there with me, I felt invincible.”“…Stupid.”“Yeah, I was stupid. So…I’m really sorry!” And before he knew it, Gon started bawling again.“Wha—Gon! It’s okay…”“No it’s not! I said some horrible things to you. And even after, I didn’t apologize properly, even though I should’ve. Only now am I apologizing, and still, I feel so weak, like it’ll never be enough.” He couldn’t stop the sobs from choking out from him. They came from deep inside of him, tearing from his chest, as though layers of the walls in his chest were being torn off one by one.Killua was silent for a few moments as Gon let out all his anger, frustration, despair, and hurt in sobs and bawls. Imagining Alluka there, holding Killua’s hand, made Gon feel both better and worse.“You really mean it?”“Of course, Killua. You were my best friend. I know that I’m just number two now, but…”“If you really mean it, then do this for me.”“Huh?”“Just, get your shit together, figure out how you’re gonna get your nen back, and then come find us.”Gon blinked, tears still clinging to his eyelashes. For the first time in ages, a tiny spark of hope appeared in the dark. “Really?”“Yes. But you know, I’ve been thinking too—I’m not gonna sit around and be your mommy anymore. I’ve got Alluka to take care of now.”“R-right.”“And I’m gonna be training and getting stronger. So, you know, if you still wanna come find us, you better get stronger, ‘cause I’m not gonna sit around and wait for you!”Gon chuckled through the sadness still left in him. “Got it, Killua. Don’t worry. I’ll catch up.”“Okay, then… we’re gonna go eat dinner. Bye, Gon.”“Bye, Killua. I miss you!”“Stupid! Talk to you later.”Gon heard Killua hang up and looked at the screen of his phone with a smile on his face, a long-missed warmth blooming inside of him. The next morning, Mito walked downstairs to find a bowl of washed berries and a plate of pancakes on the dining table. Perched amidst the berries was a small note that said,
Gone to the gym. Will be back by lunch! Enjoy breakfast <3
Mito sat down and drizzled some syrup over the pancakes with a small relieved, yet sorrowful, smile.