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It was a rainy night . Which made it quiet in Gotham for once. Roads were icy with sleet and the rooftops were a dangerous place to be. Jason knew this, but he still went out. He had a routine. It was good for him to stick to it.He decided to go out without his helmet tonight, just a mask on his face. It felt freeing to have the rain beat down on his face, it felt cleansing.He was about halfway through the night, only stopping a few low-level robberies from desperate individuals. He had felt no need to call the cops, just scared them off. They wouldn’t be back unless they got desperate again.But then he saw Nightwing. In his territory. And now he felt it was time to pay his big brother a visit to let him know his place. He hadn’t seen hide nor hair of him throughout his entire time in Gotham so far, Nightwing dealing with his city blowing up might have hindered their reunion. Might as well try out what he could, see how far he could push, see how his brother reacted in person. And maybe get some info on that new drug ring if he could. Well, that was priority actually.He landed on the rooftop and sashayed under the awning that Dick was currently under. Dick was wearing the version of his suit with the jacket, he had a cigarette in his mouth and a listless expression to match the weather. He looked like he had fought a whole battalion of people but his suit was dry. It made Jason a bit cautious, this wasn’t typical.“Hey Dickface, saw you were all alone up here, came to shoot the shit with ya, brother.”Dick, who was leaning against the wall, simply took a puff of his cigarette and kept looking straight ahead.“Oy, ya got your head on straight there? I’m talking to you you dick.”Dick finally responded, lolling his head a little to the left, barely looking in his direction.“I’m listening.”And now Jason was confused. He’d asked a question, not wanted a listening fucking ear.“I’m not here to be listened too. I just want some info.”“Ahh I see, well, life is going cruddy, ya happy? That satiate your sadistic tendencies?”. And it was said harshly, the white of Dick’s mask narrowing ever so slightly and punctuated by an extra long pull of smoke.And that, that was a low fucking blow, Jason hadn’t even shot at the dick or anything, he really did just need some fucking info.“Oh yeah high and mighty just like always I see-“ before Jason could continue he was cut off by a bark of laughter by Dick. And what the fuck? How rude?Before Jason could yell at the man, Dick himself spoke up with venom in his words.“Oh please, like I can be high and mighty over anything these days.” With an accompanying chuckle Dick placed his dead cigarette in a pocket and pulled out a pack from his belt, lighting another one in quick succession.Blindsided by the less then healthy habit Jason stuttered his way through his response.“Yeah well – you’re the golden boy, you’re always lording over us murderous peasants.” He tried to say it with enough vitriol as possible, hoping to get a rise out of the man who was continuing to confuse him.Dick slumping even more against the wall and letting out a sigh of raw anguish was, again, confusing.“Well Little Wing, when you’ve killed yourself there’s no real pedestal is there? No real way to look down on others without pretending. But that’s what I’ve got to do, if I’m gonna be a murderer I might as well hide it and add to my sins.”And Jason stopped breathing, because what the fuck was Dick talking about? Murder? Him? The poster child of living by the Bat’s principles was talking about killing someone? Murdering someone?He voiced those thoughts with an eloquent, “What the fuck?”.And then Dick looked at him, really looked at him, flicked the whites of his mask up and everything. And what Jason saw in them put a rock in his gut, gave him a sinking feeling like he hasn’t had in years. The kind where he knew something was so wrong.“we all got our shit Jay,” rung out through the space between them. Blue eyes locked with green. Blue eyes that radiated pain and sadness and so much more. Looking darker than he had ever seen them.The thing is, Jason had heard Dick say that before, but it had been way back in his Robin days, it had always been with a sad smile and a wave off of any more questioning – which Jason had heeded. But this was different. This time he wasn’t a kid, scared of turning away the only brother he had. Now he wasn’t afraid of losing Dick by asking.“What happened?” It was breathless and rattled through his body, he tensed.And Dick was still looking at him in the same broken way. His features twisted in something akin to heartbreak.“I cant do this tonight.” It was almost whispered into the night. But Jason caught it, just before Dick started moving. Moving away from him.Before Jason could say a word, Dick was gone, jumping off the side of the building like a cat. Jason didn’t hear a thing over the rain, prayed that he did. And released a breath of relief when he heard the telltale sound of a grapple gun being shot off.Dick was the go to for almost all of them. The link between them all. Everybody knew Dick Grayson, and to know him was to admire him, love him, take pride in being a part of his circle. That’s just who he was. That’s just who they were. But this? This was so far from the Dick Grayson he knew that it might as well be another person.The first robins odd, and frankly scary, encounter with Jason was really messing with his head. The dead look in his eyes, his talk of murder and killing was so unlike him, so unnerving.So Jason did the only thing he could, wait for a few days and then lose all sense of sanity as the mystery of a possible other killer in the family grew and grew in his mind, then actually lose it and go after the sick fuck.And this is how Jason found himself looking for the elusive Nightwing. Which was hard as shit because it sounded like nobody in Gotham even knew he was here. He tapped into the Bats channels and everything, there was no mention of Nightwing’s routes, partnership, or anything.So Jason did what he did best, hunker down and wait at the spot that he had last seen the man. It only took him two hours before he ran into him again. And this time he hid, with surprising success, as Dick, once again in his Nightwing suit, lit up cigarette after cigarette. Jason waited as he carefully put each finished one in the pocket of his belt before lighting up what seemed to be the last one in the pack. When he took the last draw and placed the butt into his full pouch, he stepped out from the awning and taking a tense look around he was off.Jason was planning to show himself then but the direction that Nightwing was taking made him pause. He was heading further into the Alley. Following behind was easy as Nightwing made his way lazily across buildings and intersections. The wind was thankfully heading in Jason’s direction so the sound from his grapple hook didn’t carry back to the man in front of him.Jason watched as Nightwing swooped in to stop a mugging, a quick act with no real fanfare, just silence. He watched as Nightwing soothed the mother and child that were being targeted, and as he knelt down to the kids level and swiped a lollipop from another one of his pockets. The kid took it happily while the mother shakily smiled on.And now, now Jason was confused. Because when the fuck did crime alley become okay with one of the bats? Its notoriously known that they never patrol the alley more than a sweeping pass, that the people here resent them for not doing more. So what gives here?Following Dick was getting to a point of boring as he meandered his way across rooftops and alleyways for hours on end. But Jason was here for a reason, to confront, and the only way to do that was by getting him alone in whatever hole he had placed himself in.It finally came to an end around four in the morning when Dick’s movements started to slow and the fatigue set in. Jason himself was feeling it, he wasn’t usually this active during the night, much preferring to move and stop then continue constantly.Dick was moving his way to a condemned block that had been inhabited by a local gang before they literally got smoked out. The place was a mess of rubble and charred wood, set for destruction, but the city was taking its time with it. Looking for any bystanders Nightwing sat on a roof and observed for a few minutes. Deeming everything clear he locked in and swung over to one of the less affected buildings on the row. The top was blacked out but the first few floors weren’t bad.He climbed into a second story window and Jason noted which one before heading into the first floor to follow him up in a quieter fashion.Reaching the second floor with ease, Jason stopped outside the abandoned apartment. And for a fleeting second he thought, he must be fucking with me. Because there was no way that he was here right now, squatting in a condemned building.But he knocked on the door, for what reason he didn’t even fucking know, and there was responding tap of feet on the floor as they walked toward the door. Then Nightwing was in front of him again, or rather, Dick Grayson. Dick had apparently taken off his mask and gear and changed in the time it took Jason to get up there.And this time he groaned, full on, with his head tipped back and a take me Jesus look on his face.“My god, why do you keep showing your face dude. I’ve told you to fuck off like 8 times in the last three days. But do you listen? No, never.”With another put upon sigh Dick turned and walked back into the dim apartment, it was lit only by a single torch that was obviously battery operated.Jason stood in shock, because what the fuck? He shows up at his brothers door with a simple question and he tells him to fuck off just at the sight? What kind of welcome is this from the famously kind golden boy?He could at least be civil, goddamnit. And Jason decided to tell him just that.“You could at least be civil, you prick. All I’m here for is to have you answer a single question. Easy enough?”Dick turned back at that, but didn’t look surprised at the outburst. He put up his arms in a placating manner as he quietly turned back around and sat down in front of an assortment of canned goods. He took a knife and started cutting into one of the cans labeled “peas” with unnerving skill. He then proceeded to gesture Jason over with the same fucking knife.It took everything within Jason to not turn around and walk out, because this was a new low for him. Listening to a waving knife wielded by his dumbass brother who decided to be as nonchalant as all hell about the fact that he was back from the dead. And having dropped an atomic bomb of a secret on him to boot.But he stomped over anyway and angrily plopped himself down onto the floor beside him, but at a healthy distance of course. Didn’t want to seem too casual for gods sake.But Dick was the epitome of casual as he opened another can and placed it in between them. It seemed to be an action of truce of some sort, an inclusion into the space.Jason didn’t touch it. Just looked at it for what it was and then locked his eyes back on Dick.The mans voice rung out quietly in against the thin walls, “What’s your question Jace? I’ll try and answer it.” Another point with his knife at Jason had him leaning back a bit, “if you leave me alone.”Jason repositioned himself so he was ramrod straight again and nodded his head, “promise, I’ll leave you alone.”Dick seemed to find that funny as he gave a wry chuckle.“Thanks kid. Now what’s the question?”Jason’s hands tightened around the grip he had on his legs as he coaxed the hard question out of his mouth.“I asked last time, but you ran off. What happened? Who did you kill? Did you kill someone?”The words came out in a rush and the air seemed to leave Dick’s lungs just as fast if the loud push of breath at his words was any indication.Jason saw his brother’s twisted expression and almost let himself cringe at the openness of it. He felt no guilt here, asking this, his curious nature mostly overrode his thoughts of gentleness or tact. But he wasn’t used to vulnerability and it kind of scared him to see it on Nightwings face of all people. Dick was a performer of a lifetime and he couldn’t even school his face in front of what should be his enemy.Then Dick spoke and it was even more raw and emotional then what was flitting across his face.“I did kill someone.”The room suddenly seemed like it dropped ten degrees and Jason had to unstick his frozen tongue from the roof of his mouth to ask, “Who? And how?”Dick didn’t answer right away, instead looking at Jason with a blankness and consideration that felt much more real to the man Jason knew. But then his expression broke again and a horrible smile pushed up his cheeks. Jason almost recoiled at the unexpected look. Almost.“Ya know jace normally I don’t talk about this with you, no matter how many questions you ask. But you actually look old enough that I feel like I can be honest. It’s impossible to look younger you in the eyes and say I killed someone, but with this version of you? Sure, why the hell shouldn’t you know?”A pained laugh echoed throughout the room as Dick ran his hand through his hair roughly.In a quiet whisper he said, “and at least someone should know. Even if its just you.”Jason did cringe away as Dick loudly clapped in the space between them and carefully took a few deep breaths with a muttered okay under his breath. He looked like he was hyping himself up in the weirdest way, considering what he was about to allegedly tell Jason.Then for the first time that night, Dick’s face went completely blank, his eyes even unfocused a bit.“I killed Blockbuster, a crime boss in Bludhaven,” and Dick tripped over the name of his old city, “I was working with another…vigilante at the time. Tarantula was her name. And there was a fight between us three, Blockbuster kept saying he was going to ruin my life, kill everyone I ever loved or saw or touched. And it got to me, I had already seen so much death at his hands, it felt like I deserved his blood on mine. So, when Tarantula raised her gun at him during his speech and motioned for me to move aside…I did just that. I stepped aside and let her shoot him, straight through the head. And then I really did have his blood on my hands. And it kind of broke me.”Here Dick paused and took another rousing breath that stuttered on its way out. He closed his eyes and said the next part with shaking hands and a wavering voice.“I – I think I was in shock. I went up to the roof to get away from all of the – blood and everything. And I don’t remember much of what happened next, but I remember saying no.”Jasons entire world stopped. At Dick’s mention of the total non-murder that he had been a part of he was almost ready to stand up and move out, Dick didn’t do a damn thing to kill anyone. But the shakes and stuttering breath had held him in place with some sort of morbid curiosity, what else could there be that made the oh so moral Dick Grayson shudder at the thought of, other than a killing at his own hands?And god did he wishes he didn’t know. Holy hell did he wish he never even started this conversation.He barely registered that Dick was looking up at him through his now hunched form. His own eyes were wide with a grief and horror that he didn’t know he still possessed after seeing his mother overdose. That he thought had been drilled out of him by the league or by Bruce all those years ago when he took him to grisly crime scene after grisly crime scene. He was used to sexual assault, to rape, it was rampant in the alley and in his job as Robin. But there was always a bit of a disconnect between him and survivors. They were still strangers, no matter how much empathy he handed them. He never had to look into the eyes of someone he still called family and see the soul shattering horror that rape brought.But now he had, now he was, as he focused in on Dick and the silent tears running down his face. He finally noticed how dull his once bright blue eyes were, he noticed the worry lines in his too young face, he noticed the eye bags that protruded from his pale skin. And it all came crashing down on him, his big brother had been taken advantage of in probably his most vulnerable state…brought down to his worst and had never told a soul.Jason’s voice rasped out, “Oh Dickie, I’m so sorry.”And at those words Dick’s tears run faster down his cheeks and small sobs rack his thinner frame.And now Jason went back to his Robin training, the training that taught him how to calm down survivors. He skipped over part one and two as he already knew Dick and jumped right into part three.“Dick, can I touch you? I just want to give you some physical grounding, okay?”And at that Dick actually scoffed, honest to god scoffed during his breakdown, but still nodded. So Jason moved closer and fluttered his hand over Dick’s shoulder before grabbing him firmly pulling him into a tight hug. It was probably too much all at once, probably should have stuck to just a shoulder touch but he couldn’t seem to hold himself back.And for about a minute everything was okay, Dick was in his arms safe from the world. But then there seemed to be a crack of electricity in the air as Dick shoved himself away from Jason.And now there was a whole new level of horror on Dick’s face as he scuttled his way back. Dick’s face turned pale as a sheet, the blood seeming to have rushed even out of his lips with the way they tinged blue. Suddenly his breaths were short and staccato as he rammed himself into the far wall.Jason himself sat stock still, thrown back by Dick he was a bit off balance. But not only in his body, in his mind as well. Because what the fuck was that?“Dickie?”, rang out between them as Jason hesitantly reached out. The movement was aborted when Dick flinched so hard that his head hit the wall with a vicious smack.Then Dick’s whispered voice reached his ears, “you’re not real. My god, you’re not real”.And it took Jason a second, it really did, but when it hit him, it hit hard.Dick thought he was hallucinating. He’d seen it enough on his mothers face, when she was so far gone that she believed his father was there. Or when she cried out for him even though he was just in the other room. When he inevitably came in to let her know where he was she always seemed shocked that he was real.But this? Fuck. Dick wasn’t even on drugs and he still believed he was hallucinating an older Jason Todd? A brother? A brother that could touch…no wonder he was freaked out. Probably thought he was losing it, or losing it even more.And Jason…just…deflated. Because how was he supposed to fix this? How was he supposed to let his brother know he was real without messing everything up? He has done some pretty fucked up stuff. When he connects the red hood to Jason, well, that wouldn’t be a pretty realization.“I’m sorry Dick. I really am.”He leaves the window open on his way out.