Work Text
PATIENT NAME : Emily
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DIAGNOSES:
(F90.9) - UNSPECIFIED ATTENTION-DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER
(F31.2) - BIPOLAR I DISORDER, CURRENT OR MOST RECENT EPISODE MANIC, WITH PSYCHOTIC FEATURES
(F50.01) - ANOREXIA NERVOSA, RESTRICTING TYPE
(F60.3) - BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
. . .
ꗃ WWW.LIVEJOURNAL.COM USER: HxC_JxNKGRL_91
POST STATUS: PUBLIC
POST TITLE: guess whos back (back again)
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whoever u dumb hoes r that said id rot in hospice must feel pretty fuckin stupid now!!!so yeah. im out. u can think whatever u want about me and make up any rumors u want but the point is im makin my fuckin comeback and im not gonna let u preppy skanks say shit w/out consequence. talk shit get hit!ty to those who were rlly worried but im doin stellar. fuckin love u bitchezzz- em xD
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USER: HxC_JxNKGRL_91
POST STATUS: PRIVATE
POST TITLE: 08-02-2009
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everyone assumes that recovering is just one linear (am I using that word right?) pathway. it’s really not. sometimes i feel like a heroin addict nodding off from an overdose in a shady ass alleyway. everyone knows its happening, but nobody bothers to say anything to stop it. its not them, so who fucking cares?the hospital fucking sucked and i never wanna go back. maybe ill actually listen to the advice those bitchy nurses gave me and not starve myself but fuckin hell is that shit addicting. even just thinking about getting back to the size i was, portioning out my meals, watching the fat burn away…its just like any junkie on the street shoving a needle into their fuckin arm. like how theyre digging to look for the vein, im digging to look for whatever hidden part of myself im convinced i can find underneath all this fat.or some poetical shit like that. im not a writer.i guess this is the REAL beginning to my recovery. wow. so motivational.
. . .
Yeah, that burst of hope was short-lived.Emily knew that she was fucked up. This wasn’t a shock to anyone who knew her – or, hell, had even ever heard of her. Ever since her Catholic school days, she had been kept at arms length from everyone else. She was the girl covered in scars that other children gawked at, the girl who would talk to herself and complain of hearing voices that nobody else could, the girl who would experience the highest of highs until she crashed down to the lowest of lows. Threats of suicide were far from uncommon to her mother, who had been stuck dealing with such a disaster of a child ever since Emily’s father had left them alone. Her mother blamed her father, and Emily blamed a Catholic god she wasn’t sure she even believed in.Nobody had ever taken her emotionality seriously. After Emily had been kicked out of Catholic school for attempting to deal drugs on school grounds, her drug dealer reputation persisted at the new high school she had attended, much to the dismay of her mother and her distaste for their “secular” view of the world. Her mother blamed Emily’s behavior on possession from the devil, threatening to have an exorcist done on Emily, who in-turn slashed her mother’s tires out of pure rage. Nothing was ever done.Emily had briefly considered her mother’s point, however. Maybe it was the contagious Catholic guilt talking, or the delusions she experienced during her manic episodes, but she couldn’t help and ponder on whether or not some evil spirit was really in possession of her. It made more sense than the statistical unlikelihood that Emily was simply given the unluckiest of unlucky genes from a family who was, otherwise, somewhat sane. She was the black sheep, but she began to revel in the possibility that it was all out of her control.Ironically, this is what gave her a sense of control. Among other things.She wasn’t completely sure when her eating disorder started. She didn’t know whether it was from age five when she tried to see how long she could go without eating, copying the behaviors of her mother that her at-the-time present father openly criticized her for. She didn’t know whether it was when other girls in kindergarten called her fat for snacking on sugary foods all day, and she felt that pang of dejection in her gut for the first time that only reminded her of the guilt food carried. She didn’t know whether it was from her prepubescent days on Myspace, when the thinnest girls were the “scenest” girls. She didn’t know whether it was the first time she fully understood that she was a body; not that she had a body, but that she was a body – the only thing that she would be to others was her body, so she might as well make it as off-putting as possible in attempt of being authentically herself. What she did know was that she woke up one day in a hospital bed. She had fainted in front of everyone at her high school graduation, right after accepting her diploma: she just tumbled down the stairs. She was sure she could still hear the distant sounds of laughter, and she felt that familiar pang in her gut. Food had done this to her.She was trapped in an eating disorder treatment center for two months before finally being released in August; those were the longest two months of her life, filled with nothing but forced feeding, nurses and psychiatrists that she hated, and the longest Uno games of her life. However, thanks to promises from her mother, ensuring that Emily would follow her meal plan and attend college under her supervision, she was released. She left with – somewhat – higher hopes, and wasn’t planning on going back.But here she was. A little under three weeks after her release, she was back at it: finding ways to sneak around her scheduled meals, exercising in the middle of the night, forcing herself to drink the bland diet sodas that she always hated just to keep her from eating. She knew she wouldn’t have the energy to keep up the lie while going to college, though she only said she would go so that her mom would get her out of that stupid hospital and away from the forced feedings.At some point, maybe, Emily thought she could try and get better. But now, she wasn’t sure she ever would.It was a hot Saturday night, yet Emily still found herself shivering underneath a blanket. With the air running on low, she was still ice cold, knees clicking together as her thighs slid against the leather of her desk chair. Hunched over her computer, she repeatedly skimmed over the same Facebook post (god, how she wished her friends still used Myspace) over and over again: a post from Jecka. Jecka shared a post
3 hours ago PARTY AT NicoleS HOUSE!!!!!!! 2NITE @10PMbefore our lives get totally fucked up by college, get absolutely fucked up on whatever you bring to nicoles place. drinks (alcoholic, obvi) & food will be provided. BRING FRIENDS OR FUCK OFF!!!HMU for the addy!!!! Emily leaned back in her chair, sighing loudly as she stared up at the ceiling. With most of her classmates from high school now attending the same local community college – hell, not even Jeffrey got into any fancy out-of-state colleges – it wasn’t like she could continue avoiding them for the rest of her life. If she could, she would rather run into them all on her own terms rather than being caught off guard seeing them somewhere on campus. Plus, a part of her was curious as to how they would react by seeing her: she had already begun losing weight again and working out, though it took a lot more energy out of her than it used to.Additionally, the party was at Nicole’s house of all places. She hadn’t spoken to her since before her hospitalization: no messages, no comments, no nothing. While Emily considered Nicole to be her closest friend, they didn’t necessarily talk intimately together outside of classes; maybe that said more about Emily’s social circle than it did about Nicole’s personality. Nonetheless, Emily valued their friendship, despite how strange it could look from the outside looking in.She knew this would also give her an excuse to see Nicole. In all honesty, she was starving for some social interaction.Before she could regret it, Emily bit the bullet. She turned back to her computer, clicking on Jecka’s profile and shooting her an instant message. Messaging: JeckaEmily 8:57PM
i already have nicoles addy but thought i should hit u up before i show Knowing it might take a few minutes for Jecka to respond, Emily stood from her chair to stretch.She glanced over at her body-sized mirror, analyzing her own figure in the mirror. She stepped away from the desk, tilting her head to the side as she looked herself up and down; clad in a Black Veil Brides t-shirt and sporty black and white shorts, the dark colors made her pale skin look washed out. Instinctively, she wrapped her fingers around her scarred thighs, wrapped her fingers around her scarred arms, wrapped her fingers around her scarred wrists.The only thought that ran through her head was how much more weight she knew she could lose. Maybe she really was the nutcase everyone saw her as: an unstable girl about to snap at any moment.Turning back to her computer screen, Emily watched as a new message popped up from Jecka. Quickly, she rushed back over to her desk. Messaging: JeckaJecka 9:00PM
omg hey emily!!
i commented on your lj a few weeks ago but you didnt reply so i didnt wanna bug you which is why i havent reached out
but you should totally come tonight!! Emily and Jecka had a complicated relationship. She understood that Jecka considered herself Nicole’s best friend, but Emily felt as though her and Nicole always connected better on multiple levels that Jecka couldn’t reach. Emily knew that Jecka didn’t like her all too much, so she had been surprised with the sudden friendliness that Jecka had shown her after she returned from treatment. In all honesty, she wasn’t completely sure how to respond to it. Messaging: JeckaEmily 9:02PM
i appreciate it
tho i dont want u to feel like u have to be nice to me or anything just bcuz im fucked up or whateverJecka 9:03PM
wdym?Emily 9:03PM
like
i think u do actually wanna be nice im not saying ur being fake or anything
i just know u didnt like me that much in high school so i dont want this to be like
i dunno
u just feeling bad for me and being nice to me bcuz of that
like if u dont like me thats ok. u dont have to be friendly just because im fuckedJecka 9:05PM
emily :(
look
i have to admit i was kinda a bitch to you in high school
i know that was only like two months ago but when you collapsed in front of everyone i felt like shit when everyone treated it like it was nothing
but like i think it was our fault that things had gotten so bad for you
mostly me tbhEmily 9:08PM
ik you thought i was a bad influence on nicoleJecka 9:08PM
NICOLE is a bad influence on nicole
you stopped selling and i know that may sound hypocritical because we literally bought from you but like
idk
it made sense to me at the time
maybe youre not my favorite person in the world but its not like i want you to dieEmily 9:10PM
thanks bitchJecka 9:10PM
of course its the bare minimum
come over to nicole’s and we can gab or whatever you bitches sayEmily 9:11PM
you bitches?Jecka 9:11PM
like you emo bitches
scene
whatever you areEmily 9:12PM
real scene girls dont call themselves scene xDJecka 9:12PM
right
i’ll see you at nicole’sEmily 9:12PM
see u then! Emily quickly logged out of her Facebook account, pushing herself away from her desk before turning to her closet. She dug through her clothes, throwing on a scandalous-looking black and yellow outfit; clad in a black and yellow bustier with a matching-colored tutu and ripped fishnets, she did little to cover her slender figure. She knew that deep down, this would only continue the rumors about her, yet some sort of sick satisfaction deep within her came from the attention she was getting. It was addicting.She grabbed her essentials, including her purse, before heading downstairs into the living room. Her mom was seated on the couch, looking up from the book in her hands as Emily walked past. Brows raised, she spoke up.“Emily,” her mother started, “where are you going?”“Hanging out with friends,” Emily huffed, turning around to face her mother, “we’re not doing anything crazy, just hanging out at Nicole’s house.”“In the middle of the night,” her mother deadpanned.“It’s nine PM! It’s not like we’re going to hang out in the middle of nowhere at three AM!”“Okay, okay,” her mom spoke in a hushed tone, holding her hands up in front of her, “I just want to make sure. It’s my job to keep you safe.”“I’m eighteen! I’m not a kid anymore.”“You’ll always be a kid while you’re under my roof, Emily.”“Whatever,” Emily rolled her eyes, pushing the front door open.“Just be careful, okay?” her mother asked, “and don’t be out too late!”
SLAM!
Ever since Emily had gotten out of the hospital, it felt like her mother began treating her like a fragile doll, cracks painting over her surface with the risk of shattering at any moment. She didn’t necessarily let Emily do whatever she wanted, but she was certainly more patient and open minded with her. Emily wondered why it took starving herself to get to that point.These thoughts ran through her mind during the bus ride over to Nicole’s house. While she had a license, Emily wasn’t medically cleared to drive at the moment due to her still technically being in treatment as well as a fainting spell just a few months ago. She stared out the window, shivering underneath her clothes, the only thought running through her head being how, in that moment, all she wanted was to get completely shitfaced. She wanted to stop thinking so much about everything.
. . .
Nicole’s house was packed.Emily wasn’t surprised. The entire time they had been in high school together, Nicole had absolutely refused to throw any sort of party at her place. With curiosity eating at her as to what exactly had changed, Emily squeezed her way from the entrance and into the ground floor of the living room. A thick heat hung throughout the air, with her struggling to take in deep breaths as she began to survey her surroundings.Looking across the living room, Emily immediately spotted a familiar face – or, in this case, red bob – seated on the couch. Gently elbowing through the crowd, with those who she pushed keeping their eyes trained on her body much longer than needed, she beelined directly to where Ari was seated.“Ari!” Emily called out.With Ari coming into view, she immediately caught sight of Kelly seated next to her on the couch. The two girls immediately turned to face her, eyes as wide as saucers. A strange feeling immediately washed over Emily, but she did her best to shrug it off.“Emily, hey,” Ari said calmly, her face slowly relaxing, “how are you doing?”“I’ve been better,” she said honestly, placing her hands pointedly on her hip bones, “but it’s nice to be back out after so long. You should’ve come visit me, Ari!” she pouted.In the last few months of their senior year, Ari and Emily’s previously fiery feud had somewhat quelled its flames, with the two now being on friendly terms. While Emily still thought Ari was soft as fuck, she had to admit it was nice having someone more relaxed than her to bounce her thoughts off of. However, their friendship quickly got cut off the day of Emily’s collapse, leading her to wonder what Ari had been up to during her absence – more importantly, she wasn’t aware that Ari was on friendly terms with Kelly nowadays.Ari gave a nervous expression, sharing a glance with Kelly before turning back to Emily. “Ah, well–”“Hey, Emily! Over here!”Jecka’s voice rang out through the room, causing the three girls to turn in the direction of Nicole’s kitchen. The familiar blonde girl waved sporadically, a wide grin plastered across her face as she did so.“I’ll be right back,” Emily said to the other two girls, giving them an apologetic smile before departing, the sound of giggling echoing throughout the room.As Emily entered the kitchen, her and Nicole instantly locked eyes. Scanning Emily up and down, she tilted her head to the side in a cocky demeanor as her brows raised.“Holy shit,” Nicole said, “I thought you were dead.”“You didn’t see my LiveJournal?” Emily asked.“No, no, I did. I meant, like, your body. You look skeletal. ”“Nicole! ” Jecka snapped, lightly shoving her arm, “what the fuck is wrong with you?!”“What? I’m being honest!”“You’re being fucking stupid! She just got out of treatment!”“They let you out of treatment looking like that? ” Nicole questioned, jutting her head out towards Emily.“Looking like what? ” Emily’s face soured, “I know I gained weight, don’t comment on it.”“No, like, you look like you’ve lost weight. Are you schizophrenic or something?”“No, Nicole. She’s anorexic,” Jecka interrupted.“Well, obviously she’s anorexic. Do you see her? ”Emily’s brows furrowed. “I can’t tell if you guys are being sarcastic or not.”“Okay, let’s just drop it,” Jecka huffed, “there’s something wrong with you, Nicole. Genuinely. You should, like, actually go on SSRIs.”“You’ve given me that unsolicited advice already,” Nicole deadpanned, “can’t believe you’re so frazzled you’re repeating your jokes.”“It’s not a-” Jecka paused, rolling her eyes before turning away on her heel. “ugh, I’ll be back. I need a drink.”“The drinks are in the fridge, bitch!” Nicole called out as Jecka stormed out of the kitchen, briefly flipping Nicole off.Leaving Nicole and Emily alone in the kitchen, she shot Nicole a confused expression. “Did she just call me into the room just to leave?”“She just did a line. You know how she gets,” Nicole replied.“Right.”It was Emily’s turn to survey Nicole’s appearance. Donning tight black denim jeans with two silver studded belts and a tight My Chemical Romance t-shirt, Emily had always wondered why Nicole wasn’t as active in alternative spaces as she was. Despite all the attempts that Emily had made to get Nicole to come to shows with her or to post in alternative spaces online, Nicole wouldn’t budge. It seemed like she preferred her own company over the company of anyone else.“...So,” Nicole started, “...you’re recovered?”Emily grinned wildly. “Fuck no.”“Well, then what the hell did you go to treatment for?”“When you collapse in front of the entire student body, it kinda goes from being an unspoken deal to a major deal. My mom flipped the fuck out.”“Makes sense,” Nicole clicked her tongue, “you were practically haunting the school property. You looked more like a ghost than a human being.”“I know! It’s totally hot, right?”In Emily’s head, she found it easier to romanticize the seriousness of her disorder rather than viewing it in its wholly exposed, ugly nature. To others, however, she noticed that they would often get short with her, greeting her with anger rather than laughter or understanding.Everyone except Nicole.Nicole, instead, threw her head back and laughed. “Jesus, you’re still, like, fucked fucked up.”“Yeah, the treatment center didn’t do much of a dent on me,” Emily joked, playfully sticking her tongue out, “I’m still the same me!”Nicole grinned. “Does the same you still sell Adderall?”“No…” Emily admitted, “...but if you come back to my place, I can score some for you.”“Bitch, you just got here!” Nicole droned, “at least get shitfaced with me.”“Get drunk with you before going on public transportation?” Emily questioned, “that sounds…awesome. God, I’ve been stuck with my mom for the past few weeks. I needed this.”“As long as you score me some Adderall,” Nicole shrugged, “I’ll get you some alcohol.”Like Emily had said, she and Nicole had a weird relationship. They bonded over the same things – well, as much as Nicole could bond with another human being – no matter how risky or self-destructive their behaviors were. It was as if they spoke a language nobody else could understand. In all honesty, Emily liked it that way.She liked it that way a lot.Emily grinned widely. “You’ve got a date.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Smoke billowed through the air, a loud baseline reverberating throughout Emily’s body and rattling the bones nestled beneath thin layers of skin. The night was hot and young, akin to the two girls who stumbled drunkenly out the front door of Nicole’s house. Their shoulders bumped together every once in a while, and everytime the clicking of Emily’s shoulder resounded – a faint sound, a whisper that only they shared – she could feel Nicole steal her a glance.Emily knew Nicole’s eyes had been analyzing her figure the whole night. She could feel her hardened gaze, her perception burn into the surface of Emily’s skin, sizzling with a tense anticipation. Even outside of the house and away from stumbling, soon-to-be college students, her lungs tightened from the feeling alone. The air between the two was electrifying.Even so, Nicole was hard to read. Emily couldn’t tell what Nicole wanted from her so badly to be staring at her so much. If it were someone like Jecka or Ari? It was likely concern. Kelly? Potential jealousy, yet still something bordering on disgust. With Nicole? It could be a plethora of things…the possibilities made her head dizzy, and she was far too drunk right now to turn over the ambiguous nature of their relationship.Their laughter rang out down the alleyways and streets of the small town around them. Before Emily could mentally process her surroundings, Nicole grabbed her wrist, yanking her onto a nearby bus. She watched as Nicole jammed money into the slit of the ticket vending machine, shooting the middle-aged bus driver a piercing stare. The two then fumbled into the back of the bus and into their appropriate seating.Emily propped herself up against the window as Nicole took the outside seat. “I could’ve paid, y’know! I’m not a bum.”Nicole leaned back in her seat, crossing her arms over her chest. “Consider it an additional payment.”Emily grinned, glancing out the window as the bus lurched forward. “Just pointing it out.”Nicole was a transactional person. She didn’t do favors or go out of her way to help others unless there was something to gain from it, and Emily knew this. She didn’t think that Nicole knew she knew, but she also believed that Nicole saw herself as superior to everyone around her, like every action she did was so cleverly disguised behind an aura of mystique. And yet, Emily still found herself wanting to entertain Nicole’s every whim, because that’s how they worked best.Emily gave Nicole whatever she wanted, and in turn, Emily had a friend.“Hey,” Nicole spoke up in a hushed tone. Slowly, she shuffled forward, parting her legs as she did so, “check out creepy old guy. 10 o’clock.”The directional was unnecessary; they were the only three on the bus at the moment. Still, Emily obliged, locking her gaze onto a white man in a gray hoodie, hunched over in his seat. He was staring directly at them over his shoulder.“Don’t make eye contact,” Nicole hissed, “he might like it.”“Ewww, don’t say that.”Nicole broke into a smirk, flickering her attention between Emily and the 10 o’clock creep. Emily watched as, slowly, Nicole’s face relaxed. She began fluttering her eyelashes rhythmically at the guy, sticking her tongue out in a lewd manner.“Oh my god, stop it, Nicole,” Emily whispered harshly, punching her in the shoulder.“Whaaat?”“He’s gonna actually get off to that–!”“–Shhh! Don’t be so loud!”The two girls stared at each other, a giggle escaping Emily’s lips as Nicole lightly pushed her away.“Men are so easy,” Nicole continued, “they all want the same thing.”“I can’t tell if you sound more like a feminist or an angry lesbian.”“Bitch, it’s 2009! Can’t I be both?”Eventually, their stop came. They clammored off the bus, laughing as they passed by the lone man, still seated alone. Emily took in a deep breath of the night air, the temperate air filling her lungs as she led Nicole up to her house.“This one’s mine,” Emily said, her black and white Converse thumping against the wooden porch.“Looks just like any other white suburban home,” Nicole slurred.Emily shot her a glance, hand rested on the doorknob. “Try not to act totally hammered around my mom, okay? She’s on my ass enough as is.”“Okay, okay,” she smirked, throwing her hands up in the air, “I’ll be on my best behavior.”Emily highly doubted that.“I’m being serious.”“I am, too!” Nicole exclaimed defensively, “you’re Catholic, right? We can…say grace or whatever! I’m sure your mom would love that.”Emily rolled her eyes as she pushed the door open. Still, she couldn’t deny the smile tugging at her lips.Just as she had predicted, her mom was seated in the same spot she was when Emily left; she had been lying in wait. Emily subconsciously smoothed her hair out as Nicole entered the living room behind her.“I’m back!”“That sure was fast,” her mom questioned.Nicole took a step forward, shaking her head as her ponytail swished behind her. “She wasn’t feeling too hot. I decided to walk her home, make sure she was alright.”Emily gave Nicole a subtle glance. She didn’t return the gesture.Meanwhile, Emily’s mom perked up. “You’re feeling sick? What’s wrong?”“It’s nothing I can’t sleep off,” Emily assured her, trying to keep her from devolving into a hypochondriac meltdown, “I’m just gonna go to bed.”Her mom sighed. “Well…let me know if you need anything.”“I’ll walk her up,” Nicole piped in, slowly approaching the staircase leading up to Emily’s room.“Thank you…?”“Nicole.”As the two girls stumbled up the staircase to Emily’s room, they held back their giggling as much as they could. When her bedroom door clicked behind them, however, Emily couldn’t help but begin giggling, her shoulders bouncing as she did so.“You’re one smart cookie, Nicole,” she hummed. Her head felt dizzy as her body warmed, almost buzzing as she lifted her prescription bottle from her desk, “how much you want?”“How much you willing to give to me?” Nicole questioned, crossing her arms over her chest. She remained by the door.Emily hummed lowly, popping a few pills from the bottle and into her palm. She swiveled around, holding them out for Nicole to take. “Thanks for paying for my ride…and for the alc.”Nicole scooped the pills from Emily’s palm before stuffing them in her pocket. “Don’t mention it,” she smirked. She shifted awkwardly in place before slowly turning her back on Emily, “I should go.”“Already? You just got here! Stay for a bit. You can…you can sleep over or something.”Nicole shook her head, with Emily left watching her ponytail slide against the back of her neck. “Maybe another time. You’re supposed to be playing sick, and I’ve got a party to get back to.”Emily gnawed at her bottom lip.She knew that it was irrational, but Nicole’s calculating and disconnected nature is what made her feel normal. It made her feel less crazy, like there was someone out there who could care less about the ugly parts of her – in fact, she reveled in the ugliness of it all. Emily had to admit the dejection stung at times, and it especially hurt now, but it was part of Nicole. It was just who she was.“...Text me?” Emily squeaked out.Nicole glanced over her shoulder, giving her a tight-lipped smile. “Yeah, I’ll text you.”Emily watched in silence as Nicole pushed the door open, gently shutting it behind her.
. . .
ꗃ WWW.LIVEJOURNAL.COM
USER: HxC_JxNKGRL_91
POST STATUS: PUBLIC
POST TITLE: wasn’t out searching for love or affection
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WOOO!!! party @ nicoles house last night was the fuckin sexwas so cool seeing all yall again. even if some of u were staring @ me for far too long haha. that kinda shit doesnt intimidate me tho. soz…NOT! :pshoutout to nicole & jecka for hosting my accidental welcome back party xD- em xD
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USER: HxC_JxNKGRL_91
POST STATUS: PRIVATE
POST TITLE: 08-03-2009
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i can’t stop thinking about nicole. i don’t know why the hell she’s so stuck in my head or if she put something in those drinks last night or whatever the fuck, but i was hoping so bad for a message from her this morning.but zip. nada. zilch. zero. NOTHING!i also can’t stop thinking about ari. i hate how much that softie has made her way into my heart but god do i miss her. i guess you don’t know how great something is until it’s gone. sometimes i wish i could go back in time and make it so we never became friends because she’s honestly hurting my feelings. it feels like she’s been avoiding me.this is too much to think about on my first day of classes while i have a hangover.
. . .
Messaging: AriEmily 10:18AM
hey ari
srry we couldnt finish our convo @ nicoles yesterday
can we talk?
miss u
Emily drummed her fingers expectantly against the surface of her desk. Her heart beat loudly in her ears, sending an aching sensation down into her chest. She knew that she shouldn’t expect an immediate response from Ari, but the anticipation was overwhelming. However, instead, she willed herself to move her cursor, opening her inbox.
Messaging: JeckaJecka 09:37AM
hi em!!
where did you and nicole run off to last night?
She willed her fingers to type, but stopped halfway through, rethinking her approach. Emily realized that if she was honest with Jecka about dealing to Nicole, it would likely upset her…but there was also the chance that Nicole already told her everything. Ultimately, Emily decided it was best to be as vague as possible.
Emily 10:22AM
oh we got fuckin hammered lmao
nicole walked me home
did u not see her when she got back?
Emily jumped slightly at the quickness in which Jecka responded, especially considering the time in-between the two messages.
Messaging: JeckaJecka 10:23AM
ohhh
yeah no i thought maybe she went to your place or something
you got any classes today?Emily 10:23AM
just some gen ed course
u?Jecka 10:24AM
human anatomy and physiologyEmily 10:24AM
scientist?Jecka 10:24AM
nursingEmily 10:25AM
that makes sense for uJecka 10:25AM
is that meant to be an insult?Emily 10:25AM
no u just seem like someone who would b a nurseJecka 10:26AM
nooo
blonde nurses were always like
bimbo bitchy cheerleaders in high schoolEmily 10:27AM
well u seem like u would b a nursing major
srryJecka 10:27AM
i hate you
oh shit i better go or i’m gonna be late
i’ll see you later!!!Emily 10:28AM
ttyl
As Emily closed out the window, she took notice of a new notification in her direct messages. She quickly opened her inbox, her heart stopping in her chest as the familiar name came into fruition on her screen.
Messaging: NicoleNicole 10:29AM
said i would message you
here i am
A dryness quickly spread throughout her throat as her chest tightened, heartbeat suddenly quickening in place. It was completely out of character for Nicole to message her first – or, more importantly, message her at all. Even if she swore to or was asked to do something, there was a high likelihood that she would simply ignore or forget the obligation. That was, unless she was getting something out of it.
What did Nicole want?
Messaging: NicoleEmily 10:31AM
hi nicole :)Nicole 10:31AM
hey
what did you want me to message you about
Emily paused. When she had asked Nicole to reach out and text her, she hadn’t had anything specific in mind she wanted to talk about. She had just wanted them to spend more time together.
Emily 10:33AM
ummm
we should hang out more i think
this college shit is gonna drive me crazy
im not built to be a functioning member of societyNicole 10:34AM
tell me about it
when do you wanna hang out
God, Emily liked Nicole, but through the screen, it felt like she was talking to a zombie.
Emily 10:34AM
saturday?
we can figure out details laterNicole 10:35AM
sounds good
see you thenEmily 10:35AM
wait wait wait
did u tell jecka about me scoring u addies?Nicole 10:36AM
now why would i go and do that
Emily felt her lips curl into a smile.
Emily 10:36AM
just checking
ttyl!
As Emily closed the window, she was half-expecting a new message from Ari to be waiting for her, but there was nothing. Her inbox was barren.Slowly, she forced herself to turn off her computer, pulling herself out of her desk chair and sluggishly lurching towards her closet. Throwing on the outfit she had planned drunkenly the night before, she gave herself a quick check in the mirror as she threw on the bookbag her mother had bought for her. Emily found her eyes wandering down to her body, how it was shaped and the curvature of her bones, but not wanting to be late, she forced herself to peel her eyes away and instead exited her room.While making her approach to the front door, a disembodied voice from behind stopped her.“Em.”Emily sighed in exasperation, glancing over her shoulder as she stood in place. “Mom, I told you not to call me that.”A serious expression was painted across her mother’s face, arms crossed over her chest. “Are you forgetting something?” she asked from the doorway of the kitchen.Emily glanced off to the side, pondering the question before slowly shaking her head. “I don’t…think so?”Her mother sighed as her arms fell. “Your meal plan, Emily,” she said pointedly, “you need to eat before you leave.”Emily gritted her teeth. Right.“I’m not hungry–”“–Emily, I’m not doing this with you this morning,” her mother spoke firmly, “you need to eat.”She huffed in exasperation, throwing her arms down to her sides as she spun around to face her mother. “But mom!”“This isn’t going to be an argument. You’re going to eat. I already made you breakfast.”“I’ll eat it when I get back–” Emily began, turning her head away.“–Look at me, Emily.”Emily closed her eyes, shaking her head slowly. “...Please don’t make me, mom.”She heard her mom exhale through her nose, practically feeling the frustration reverberating off of her. “Can’t you at least try?”“Mom, I’ve been trying my whole life,” Emily spoke, her hands slowly balling into fists. Her arms trembled, “it’s not as easy as just sitting down and willing myself to eat. I just…I can’t. I’ll eat lunch when I get home.”“Emily–”But Emily ignored her, slamming the front door behind her as she squeezed her eyes shut.There was always tomorrow.