Work Text
Dear Evan Hansen,
It turns out, it wasn't an amazing day after all.
This isn’t going to be an amazing week, or an amazing year.
Why? Because this is going to be my last day. Last letter. Last time feeling ignored both in school and at home. Last time feeling inadequate for having no
real friends.
Last time with my stupid social anxiety and normal anxiety and depression and sweaty palms and panic attacks trying to talk to people. It’s the last time making other people’s lives worse just by existing.
I’m still going to go to my therapy today, because if I don't, Mom will be sad, or mad, and then probably get suspicious and I don't want to upset her. And I know, I must seem dramatic, you can’t complain about both being invisible and being visible enough to ruin other people's lives, but somehow, somehow, I seem to manage. I upset
Connor Murphy
today, the last person I ever wanted to upset and I feel so awful about it.
I chuckled after he scared Jared because Jared looked like he was gonna piss himself, and it was hilarious, but he mistook it as me laughing at him.
And you know, he called me a freak, and he’s totally right! I am a total freak, hell I failed the first time I try to kill myself, how fucking sad is that?!
I put my hopes on the Murphys, all of them. It isn’t fair to them, but they didn’t know so I guess it's fine. I always thought that Connor was incredible, even though other kids didn’t like him, I always respected him, ever since that incident in third grade (while I probably wouldn’t have thrown a printer) he stood up for himself, Miss. G did skip him in the line order, it wasn't fair at all, I’ve always hated it when someone ignores or forgets you, but Connor, he didn’t just stand by. He stood up, he yelled, he
got
people to remember him (and when I asked about it back then, Mrs. G said she didn't hold it against Connor for what he did.)
The most people remember me for is that kid who stood by the jazz band performance waiting cause he wanted to befriend Zoe Murphy only to get too nervous and run off in near tears. Or that dude who fell out of a fucking tree. So yeah. Great things to be remembered for (if anyone even remembers).
Mom, I'm sorry for doing this, but I know you'll be able to move on, you're strong. I know your life was better before me, and I hate that it's my fault you have to work so many hours. I hope you get a break now.
Oh, I should clarify, I don’t blame Connor or Zoe or Jared or my Mom or Dr. Sherman for this. This was a long time coming, I've been thinking about this for years.
Well. That's it. I wish the best for Connor, and Zoe. I hope they live good long lives. I know you will blame yourself Mom, but please don’t. You tried hard to fix me, it’s not your fault I couldn’t be fixed. Jared, you are kind of an asshole, but I hope you didn’t hate me, and I hope you live a good life.
I’m sorry I failed you all, I’m sorry I failed to get better, I’m sorry I failed to be who you wanted me to be, and I’m sorry I failed the first time. I won’t fail again,
I can't.
P.S. I would like to officially state as a member of the Gardening club in school, Connor Murphy is permanently allowed to eat lunch in our courtyard whenever he pleases for the rest of his time in highschool. I don't know if I have that authority, but if I do, I want to make this a rule. He actually has been eating there for a while, but I just couldn't report it, I'm very sorry about not saying anything. People were being rude to him in the cafeteria, so I wanted to let him use the yard whenever he happened to come by. Please don't punish him, and maybe punish the kids that were being dicks. This is my last request/decree as a member. I hope that's ok.
Goodbye.
Sincerely, Me.
-
Mark
Evan Hansen. (Address here)
Sighing, Evan pressed print on this letter. He already made and printed one that was resting in his pocket for therapy, he was hoping it would be good enough for Dr. Sherman to not suspect anything. Listening to the sound of the printer and lost in his own thoughts, he failed to notice someone walking over to him, standing near the printer.
He nearly ran face first into
Connor Murphy
when he turned around. He jumped backwards with apologies spilling from his lips before getting cut off by a hand.
“Stop apologizing. It’s fine, I don’t care.”
Evan fell silent, drumming his fingers nervously until Connor broke the silence.
“So? What happened?”
“Sorry? Wh-wh-what do you mean?”
Connor glanced down “Your arm.”
Evan glanced down as if to confirm he was talking about the same thing.
Oh. That.
“Oh um, I was working as a park rang-” he cut himself off. Connor didn’t want to hear all that,
Jared
certainly didn't. “I-I fell out of a tree when I was interning at a park this summer.”
Connor looked at him inquisitively, before he laughed, a real laugh though, it was almost kinda nice. “You fell out of a tree? Well that's just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, oh my god.”
Evan chuckled, “Yeah, I know.”
Connor looked him in the eyes, he gulped, he really didn't like eye contact. He opted to stare at the floor instead.
“No one signed your cast.”
“Oh yeah, I know.”
Connor looked at him expectantly. Was Evan supposed to do something or….? “I'll sign it.”
Evan shot his eyes up to look at Connor; he didn't see deceit in his expression though.
“A-a-are you sure? You don't have to…”
“I don't mind. Do you have a sharpie?”
Evan pulled out the sharpie from his khakis pocket and handed it to Connor. Moving closer he held out his arm for easy access.
Connor uncapped it and wrote
CONNOR
in huge letters covering the whole of the outside of his cast.
“W-wow. Thank you, that's great.” He only said it somewhat sarcastically, he mostly meant it though. No one else was gonna sign his cast, and he kinda looked up to Connor, so it was nice that he had a civil conversation with him at least once.
“There. Now we can both pretend we have friends.”
Evan smiled at Connor. If only he knew that Evan had wanted and been trying to be friends with him for months during the last school year. He was just too scared to go up to him for fear of bothering him.
He nodded “Yeah, I'd like that. I don't want my mom thinking I didn't have any friends at all.”
Connor smiled a little (Evan hadn’t seen him smile since 4th grade, he had a nice smile) before something apparently hit him, his smile fell and he narrowed his eyes at Evan. “
Didn't?”
Oh shit. He should not have said that. “What do you mean,
didn't
Hansen
?”
He could feel his face flushing. “I-I-I meant don't! Not didn't haha. Slip of the tongue, just improper grammar, I'm pretty stupid, no biggie! Sorry about that. U-um I'm gonna go, and um thanks for signing my cast, hope you have a good day. Oh and I'm sorry for the cafeteria, please kn-kn-know I wasn't laughing at you, I just thought Jared was being stupid and finally got called out on it so I laughed. I'm sorry about what he said. By the way, your hair is really nice and I don't think you're gonna snap and shoot anyone or everyone. Though they were being rude so I guess I wouldn't blame you if you did. B-b-but you probably don't believe me. That's okay, I just wanted you to know that you were totally in the right and I am a freak and you absolutely not and you honestly probably don't care about this conversation and I really should just leave now so I'm uh gonna do that and I hope you have a good life and stuff and yeah please forget we ever had this conversation. By-b-bye Connor! S-sorry to waste your time!”
He rushed past Connor, he could already feel tears welling in his eyes, he needed to get the hell out of there before he embarrassed himself more.
He ran straight out and down the hall desperate to maintain whatever dignity he had left. He grabbed his bag and rushed out of the school, planning on sitting in a tree and crying until his therapy appointment.
-
Back in the computer lab Connor was more than a little surprised at that
weird as fuck
interaction. Sure, Hansen was a little odd, sure, but Connor shouldn't have called him a freak, he was being angry for no reason besides the fact that Kleinman was being a dick, Hansen shouldn't have gotten caught up in it. It was nice of him to apologize though.
Connor actually kind of liked Hansen, he was the only one in a while to not piss him off when they made eye contact on occasion, plus a few times after Connor's food was smacked out of his hand in the cafeteria, Hansen gave him an apple or something off his tray before scurrying off. Then there was the fact he complimented Connor’s hair, and that he said Connor
wasn't a freak.
He hadn't heard that one before. He didn't even know what to think about it.
Connor took a quick peek around the lab to see it was completely empty, so he brought out a joint and lit it before setting to head out.
However before he made it out he noticed a printed paper on the tray. The Hansen kid must've forgotten it in his haste to escape Connor. Damn, well since Connor didn't get a chance to apologize, he should at least return his paper. Sighing, he picked up the paper to take a look while inhaling another drag of his joint.
When he finished reading the page his joint fell and he rushed to put it out before it damaged anything.
Holy shit.
…..
what the fuck is this?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Connor was pacing around the computer lab. What the actual fuck. What the fuck. Wha- Connor would never claim to be a “good person” the way he yelled and screamed at his Mom and sister proved that. Larry deserved to be yelled at though, he doesn't regret that. But Hansen was a good person, he didn't deserve to feel this way, and he definitely didn’t deserve to die! And apparently, there was a person that actually…. liked Connor? He mentioned him by name in the note multiple times! And it wasn't to blame him, or disgrace his name or anything! It was to grant him permission to use the yard (he didn't even realize that someone had noticed him there) and to wish him a good life (he didn't deserve the warm wishes, but it was still nice). Connor re-read the letter while worrying on his lip. Oh shit. Wait, the letter said this was his “last day”. Fuck. It wasn't Conner's place to stop him, he of all people knew that, he always felt like it was bullshit for another person to tell you whether or not to live your life, but he wanted to, he really didn't want to see Hansen dead. After about 10 minutes of anxious pacing he made up his mind, pocketed the letter, exited the school, got in his truck, and started to drive.
-
Evan was freaking out. At therapy Dr. Sherman questioned the letter, freaking him out internally.(which would make sense he guesses the whole point of the letters was to talk about them but still he was probably suspicious and Evan was a horrible liar so he was probably calling his mom and the cops and the psych ward as they spoke and he was gonna be locked up for being crazy and-). Therapy went fine after that and he walked home, breathing a sigh of relief once he arrived. He dropped his bag in his room and grabbed the bottles of pills he had been prescribed. He had 4 different types he was prescribed for anxiety. He wasn't exactly sure how much he needed to take to get the job done, but he assumed half of the remaining pills in each of the containers would do the job. Plus, he found some beer in the fridge that Mom kept for visitors. He did research (at the library, he's not insane, if he did it online then someone would totally check his browser history and see it then yell at him and lock him up and he would never see the light of day again) and apparently alcohol with any anxiety pill is a recipe for a quick death, so that's what he was counting on. He changed out of his clothes into some more comfortable ones. He changed into sweatpants and a band T-shirt his dad sent him (he didn't actually like the band, but it was the thought that counts, right?) not wanting to get his nice clothes dirty, and wanting to be a little more comfortable. He stuffed the bottles of pills into his pockets and went over to his school bag to grab the lette- W-where was his note?! He rummaged through the bag, pouring out all its contents on his bed, looking for that note. I-i-it wasn't there. Where was it?! Oh God, did he forget it at school?! He could've sworn he wrote it! Oh, oh no. He lost a suicide note! Seriously?! Why is his luck terrible? Oh God he was gonna have a panic attack. He had no idea if the note was still in the printer, or in his locker or if someone had found it. Oh he was gonna die from a heart attack before he even got a chance to kill himself. Pacing his room frantically, he tried to decide what to do. He couldn't back down now! Hopefully someone who doesn't care found it, and only when his death is announced will the note be shared! Yeah! He could hand write it again but last time he tried his hands were shaking too bad to make the writing legible. Oh! Evan ran over to his laptop and opened it up to his notes app. The letter was saved there! Perfect! He would just leave a sticky note with his computer password, then the notes app with his letter would be right there! Ok, that works. He ran around to find a sticky note before shutting his laptop with a relieved sigh and attaching the note on top. There we go, crisis averted, no problem. With a heavy sigh he grabb- * Diiiiing * * Diiiiiing * * Diiiiiiing * * Diiiiiiiiiiiiing * Someone was ringing the doorbell incessantly. With a small groan Evan opened the door, eager to send whoever it was off. “Hansen?” Evan looked up to see….Connor Murphy at his doorstep? “C-C-Connor?! Wh-what are you doing here? H-h-how d-d-o you know where I live? N-not that it's bad or anything ju-just wonderi-” “Can I come in?” “O-oh, that's not…. Um.. it's not a good time?” Connor looked at him oddly. Evan couldn't tell what that look meant. “Why not?” Oh um, ok. You got this Evan, just need to make up a surefire excuse why. He's got this. “I…um. Am….making dinner?” “Great, I'm starving.” “Uh-um. I'm not making dinner, I was lying.” “So you aren't busy then.” “I-I-I-I I am. I’m leaving right now, I was about to head out” “In pajamas?” Evan looked at himself and flushed, but nodded still. “Well, I'll give you a ride then.” “Y-y-you don't have to, I-I can walk.” “I want to, so get in the car Hansen.” Sighing quietly, he resigned himself to getting in the passenger seat of the car. Connor got in the driver's seat and set the car in motion. Evan felt exhausted, 3 panic attacks in one day, not taking his anxiety pills because he was trying to save them, and very little sleep because of anxiety was not a great combination. He felt his eyes droop a bit but was determined to stay alert long enough for Connor to leave him alone. They sat in silence for a few minutes, neither wanting to break it, before Connor cleared his throat. “You hungry?” “I-I don't have any money, thanks though, I'll be okay.” “I didn't ask about the money, I'd pay obviously. I wanted to know if you were hungry. That's what I asked. You didn't eat lunch today.” “O-oh. Um. A little bit, yeah?” Connor chuckled “Any allergies?” Evan shook his head. “Awesome, we're getting junk food then, mom is on a stupid health kick, so I never get to eat anything that has any sort of good flavor. We're also getting milkshakes, because all heavy conversations need to be filled with diabetes level of sugar. And preferably weed.” Evan chuckled at that, Connor seemed really excited about junk food. But what heavy conversation? He glanced at Connor, who was tapping his black nails on the steering wheel. “U-um. What heavy conversation?” Connor sighed quietly, eyes focused on the road. “How were you going to try and kill yourself?” Evan froze. What? How did, when did- what?! “I-I don't know what you mean.” “You left this, at school.” Keeping one hand in the wheel, he reached into his pocket and brought out a folded letter. His letter . The pills in his pocket felt heavy. Too heavy. They had since he put them there. “Uh-um. Th-that is-isn't m-mine.” “I saw you print it Hansen.” Evan fell silent. “So? How?” “P-pills.” “Where are they?” “Pocket.” “Can I have them?” Evan shook his head quietly. “Okay, you can keep them.” They both fell silent. “Connor. Why are you doing this? If this is pity, n-no offense, but I don't want it.” Connor sighed quietly, making Evan tense. “This is me being selfish. That's why I'm doing this.” “What?” “I don't want you to die, you're a good guy, and you've always been kind to me. As your friend, I'm here to talk you off of the figurative “edge”, fill you with junk food and sugar and let you, I don't know, let you vent or something?” Connor bonked his head in the steering wheel. “God I am the wrong person for this, you need someone mentally stable who doesn't want to die to convince you not to kill yourself.” Evan chuckled. “Seems we're both kinda messed up, huh?” Connor chuckled to that and hummed in agreement. “So, if I leave you alone, you still gonna do it?” Evan wasn't sure. He wasn't feeling awful right now, but he was pretty sure in the long run he was making the right choice. The pills still felt heavy in his pockets. He simply shrugged. “Well, I don't want to go home, and you're pretty good company-” Evan gaped at that statement. Since when was he good company?! “-so I think I'll stick around and we can hang out.” Evan froze for a sec “Wait. Did you say we were friends?” Connor looked confused (rightfully so, it took like a full minute for Evan to process that Connor said that) before looking somewhat irritated. “Come on Murphy, of course he doesn't want to be your friend, God get a fucking grip.” Evan cut in “n-no! I do! I just didn't think you'd wanna be friends with…well, someone like me.” “Someone like you?” “Yeah. Y'know, I'm c-constantly nervous, I overthink everything, looks wise I'm pretty average bordering on ugly, I can't order food to save my life, I would rather die than confront someone, I have panic attacks having to answer the door and eat in public and talk to people-” He sighed heavily and leaned his elbow on the window sill, looking at Connor who just seemed a little sad “-I’m just a general mess, and really weird. No one ever wants to be my friend or anything and I can't really blame them, who would want to be friends with the awkward loser kid who is only useful for sprouting tree facts and always having hand sanitizer. You deserve a way better friend than me Connor. I'm not important.” “You are.” “Huh?” “Important. To me at least.” Evan blushed hard. His brain and his heart were absolutely having some sort of attack, but even Evan, who had at least once, had every attack in the book, couldn't tell what sort this was. “And I’m not much better, you know. I may not be anxious all the time, but I am angry. I'm always upset, snapping at people, even if all they do is look at me, I'm always making assumptions, ruining my relationships, I'm no good at friendship, or even at life really. My sister hates me, and she has every right to, Larry and I hate each other, and I make life so much harder for my Mom. Everyone at school either makes fun of me, hates me, or is scared I'm gonna snap and kill someone-” Evan opened his mouth the interject but Connor barreled on “-but you aren't. You aren't scared of me, you've been nice to me for years, my head was just too far up my own ass to see that you weren't just making fun of me in your own way. You are a good person, and if you still wanted to, then yeah. I want to be your friend. Just know you'll probably regret it.” Connor paused, his face went a bit red, his eyes avoiding Evan's own, tacking on "Also you aren't ugly, kind of the opposite to be honest...”
Evan’s blush came back, and his eyes were a bit teary “I won't. Regret it I mean. I'd…like that.” Connor turned back and smiled at him. “Well that's enough deep conversations for now. Let's get some food!” They stopped at In-In-Out (one of the best fast food places in his opinion), Connor ordered for him too (thank goodness) and they got back on the road. “Y'know. If we're friends now and all-” Connor paused to chew “-you kind of have to stay alive to keep this friendship going. No offense but I am not doing a long distance relationship.” Evan stared for a moment before bursting out in laughter, Connor joining in a minute later. Once he composed himself, he looked up towards Connor. “Yeah, ok. I mean, I can't make any promises, but I'll try. You too then, you can't leave….like that.. either. Please.” Connor nodded decisively before taking a slurp of his milkshake. “So um, Connor. Where are we going?” He grinned cheekily behind his straw (cute) “It's a surprise.” Evan rolled his eyes and leaned against the window. Well. He failed. Again, technically he didn't even get to try this time. He sighed quietly, this would be a complete loss, but perhaps….. This wasn't the worst way to spend the day instead of his prior plans. Evan glanced at Connor, who was humming lowly to the music Evan hadn't noticed had even been playing, bobbing his head up and down with a small smile on his face, tapping the steering wheel with dark painted nails to the beat of the music.
Yeah, definitely not a bad way at all to spend time.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Evan wasn't totally sure how long they had been driving, but it was long enough to start to doze a bit in the side seat. His head was constantly nodding while he shook it to try and stay aware. He knew he was fighting a losing battle, but he could see now how embarrassing it would be to fall asleep next to Connor. What if he snored in his sleep, or worse, drooled?! Connor would immediately be disgusted and take back that he wanted to be friends, then he would leave him stranded in the middle of the road to walk home and Evan would get kidnapped or eaten by a bear or a angry bird or something and- “Hansen. We're here” “Huh?” Evan snapped out of his anxiety filled haze and looked out the window. An…Orchard? He voiced his confusion. “Where are we? Is that an Orchard?” Connor chuckled and turned off the car “Come and find out, no reason to play 20 questions in the car if we can just go look.” With a smirk Connor left the car and shut his door. Taking a deep breath, Evan followed. It was indeed an orchard. An apple orchard from what Evan could tell, but it was also shut down, a sign in the front warning for no trespassing. “C-Connor? It says it's closed. Should we go somewhere else?” “Nah, if it's closed that just means no one will bother us while we're in there.” “B-b-but, what if there's a fence or something? I don't know about you but I doubt I have the athletic skills to climb and hop a fence.” “Well, let's take a look and find out, I thought you liked trees, you wouldn't hop a fence to see some?” Connor was grinning at him like he knew he won. ……
He had won, Evan wanted to see some trees dammit. They walked together for a little while until making it into the main portion of the orchard, which there was, a fence. A very, very short fence. Maybe 4 feet tall. And not even circling the whole orchard. They could walk around the fence if they really wanted, it would take like a minute to walk to the other side. “Oh no-!” Evan could hear the grin in Connors voice and looked away, blushing furiously with embarrassment. “-It looks like you were right Hansen! A fence! Alas, we must turn back, for I wouldn't want to damage your non-athletic muscles by forcing you to climb a fence! It seems this was all for naught.” Connor sighed dramatically, doing a whole speech all the while walking around the stupid fence. “Oh whatever shall we do now that our plans have been foiled, if only they hadn't added a fence to protect the precious apples.” “Oh shut up, It was a legitimate concern.” Evan was well aware he was pouting, thank you, but he was not gonna admit defeat. Connor was cackling at this point as Evan walked around the fence to join him. “Y-yeah yeah, laugh it up Murphy. I mean seriously, why even have a fence if it isn't going to do anything.” Connor was struggling to regain his breath at this point from laughing so hard. “Ar-are you complaining about the lack of security for these apples?!” Evan continued pouting, while Connor was straight up giggling next to him. Once he regained his composure Evan looked at him. “So. What are we doing here? What is this place anyway?” “Oh-” he took a deep breath, trying to reclaim the air he had lost teasing Evan “-right. It's a place I've been meaning to see again for a while. I used to come here as a kid with my family when we all still liked each other. It's around the right time of day, so I wanted to show you something. C'mon, follow me!” He bolted off towards a huge tree in the distance as Evan raced after him. Connor stopped at the bottom of the tree, shooting a grin at Evan before starting to climb the tree . Evan gulped. He..he knows he can climb it, but.. it's taller than the first tree he climbed, he'll…he'll be fine. Right? It wasn't going to be like the first time. He wasn't going to fall. He wasn't. He couldn't while Connor was here. It just… no, he's okay. Evan could feel his breath pick up, but he had to do this. He put his foot on a branch and started the climb, shaking limbs and chills only inhibiting his progress a little. It felt like forever but he finally caught up to Connor and reached near the top of the tree, on a thick branch that had decent support by the trunk. It was a good resting spot. Evan determinedly kept his eyes locked to the tree instead of the ground or sky, if he just didn't peek he wouldn't be tempted. “Look.” Evan shook his head minutely. “Hans- Evan, look up.” He felt a hand rest firmly on his arm “I'm not going to let you fall, on accident or on purpose, so look.” Evan, body shaking, slowly turned himself to sit properly and looked up at where Connor had pointed. The hand repositioned itself to hold onto his leg firmly. He looked forward, and his jaw practically dropped. He was face to face with the perfect view of a sunset, it was truly beautiful. The orange and yellow light reflected by the lake below, bathing them in warmth. The skies are a mix of too many colors to count, starting to dim, but at the most beautiful when it's a little darker, only enhanced by the warm weight of Connor beside him, their shoulders touching, and taking a deep breath, he was hit with the smell of pine. It was incredible, so serene. They both stayed silent for a moment, taking in the sight. Connor broke the silence with a low voice, careful not to also break the atmosphere. “If you had gone through with it, you wouldn't have been able to see this, now would you?” He shook his head, not taking his eyes off the sky. He had never seen something so incredible, it really made him realize how many things, even something like this, something others may consider small, he hadn't gotten to see in his life, how many incredible sights and experiences he hadn't tried. He hadn't realized he was crying until Connor elbowed him gently and handed him a napkin, presumably from the fast food they had acquired. “Connor?” “Hmm?” “Thank you.” He looked away from the scenery to make eye contact with Connor. He was smiling gently at him, his eyes reflecting the pink and gold sky, almost shimmering. “You’re welcome, Evan.” Evan smiled at him and went back to watching the sunset. They watched until the sun fully set on the horizon, stars coming into view. “Well, let's head back down, huh? My back is killing me” Evan chuckled, his back too was crying at this point, but it was so worth it. They both made their way down the tree, on one step a branch gave way under him, with a sharp gasp from next to him he was yanked onto the branch Connor was on, a steadying hand keeping him from falling.."H-holy shit. You okay?!" Evan laughed, he really shouldn't be laughing right now, he almost died, but he didn't. He didn't because Connor saved him. "I-I think I'm good! Thanks! After Connor took a steadying breath and nodded his own confirmation at Evan's wellbeing, they both continued down, Evan at a bit of a slower pace, now thinking of the skies and his current company, instead of what he had been dreading before. They reached the bottom without further incident and brushed off their respective clothes. “Well, shall we go back now Ev?” He looked up to see Connor was holding out a hand to him, like in the movies where someone was offering their partner a dance. He could see red flushed on his ears even in the dark. Evan chuckled, no doubt red in the face himself, he wiped his hands on his pants before taking the hand offered and squeezing it lightly. “Yeah, let's head back.” - “So, this was fun, yeah? Let's do it again soon.” Evan met Connor's gaze and smiled at him, gently squeezing their still conjoined hands. “I think I’d like that.”