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Ah, Summer break.
 “So, do you want cheese on that hon?” A man flipping burgers said. “Sure Hank,” A woman said back. 
A time for leisure, recreation, and takin’ ‘er easy…
 A billboard with the words Welcome to Gravity Falls on it stood above the forest on a cliff. 
Unless you’re me.
 Two boys in a golf cart rammed through the billboard, screaming wildly. As they drove onto a nearby path, the sound of trees falling and growling was heard behind them. “It’s getting closer!” One of the boys said while chucking rocks at the creature chasing them. The creature’s hands snapped at them as the golf cart jumped over ramps and rocks. 
My name is Stanford. The boy throwing rocks is my brother Stanley. You may be wondering what we’re doing in a golf cart fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror.
 The monster grabbed a tree and threw it ahead of the boys, causing the two of them to scream. “Look out!” Stanley yelled. The golf cart skidded and swerved as Stanford tried to get out of the way. The boys braced for impact before crashing— 
Rest assured, there’s a perfectly logical explanation.
 
Let's rewind…

It all began when our Ma and Pa decided we could use some fresh air. They shipped us west to a sleepy town called Gravity Falls, Oregon, to stay at our great-aunt’s place in the woods.
 Stanley was putting a poster of a woman in a bikini up on the slanted wall of the attic, then turned to his brother. “This attic kinda sucks, man. Look at all these splinters I got,” “Eh, it’s not that bad, Stan. It’s nice to try something new,” Stanford backed up into the room with a huge smile on his face, before running into a ginormous pig. “ Oink! ” “…And there’s a pig on my bed,” Ford said, slightly annoyed. “Haha, hold on, let me help you get him off,” Stan walked over to his brother’s bed and tried to pull the fat pig off.

My brother wasn’t too enthusiastic about coming here, but I was trying to look on the bright side of things. A brand new place to explore with my brother, who wouldn’t be excited? 
 Stan stood on top of a hill looking around, while Ford sat next to a tree observing the local fauna. 
There were the occasional annoyances though, like our great-aunt May… 
 “Boo!” an old woman popped up behind Ford, “Haha, sorry kiddo! Here, have an apology sweater,” She handed him a sweater with a smiley face and… macaroni noodles on it? 
That lady.
 
Our aunt had transformed her house into a tourist trap she called The Mystery Shack. The real mystery is why anyone came.
 May stood in front of a crudely made statue of a sasquatch wearing underwear. “Behold, ladies and gentlemen, The Sascrotch!” The woman said as she tossed a pinch of glitter in the air for effect. Surprisingly, people cheered. 
And guess who had to work there.
 Ford swept the floor of the gift shop. Stan was right next to him poking a giant fake eyeball. “Don’t touch the merchandise, sweetie,” Aunt May said as she nudged his hand off the eye. 
It looked like it was gonna be a fairly normal summer vacation, until one fateful day.

Stan peeked through a line of May bobbleheads and stared excitedly at a girl with a ponytail. “She’s lookin’ at it, she’s lookin’ at it!” He whispered to his brother. “Um… ‘Do you like me? Yes, Definitely, Absolutely ?’” The girl read before looking around confused. “I rigged it!” Stan said. “Stan, I know you’re trying to keep yourself from getting bored, but do you have to flirt with every girl you see?” Said Ford as he polished a glass jar of eyeballs. “Ah, c’mon, Sixer! If I have to be here, I at least wanna try to kiss some babes while I can. Maybe I can have one of those epic summer romances that are in Aunt May’s books… Maybe I can date a hot vampire chick!” “Yeah, but do you need to flirt with every girl you meet?”

Flashback to a few days ago inside the gift shop, Stan was standing next to a girl with blue hair.
  “The name’s Stan, but you can call me ‘the man of your dreams,’” Stan said as he leaned on the wall next to them before shoving the poor girl into a postcard display and laughing, “I'm joking !”

Stan, at a bus stop now, snuck up on a girl holding a turtle and leaned on the back of the bench she was sitting on.
  “Oh my Gosh, you like turtles? I like turtles too. What is happening here?” Stan said to her.

A pimply teenage girl in a princess costume spoke in a cracked voice, “Come one, come all, to the Mattress Princess’ Kingdom of Savings!”
 
Stan came out from behind some balloons and whispered, “Take me with you…” scaring the princess away.

“Mock all you want bro, but I’m as charming as can be, I wouldn’t be surprised if the woman of my dreams walked through that door right now,” Stan pointed to the nearby door frame, and Aunt May walked in coughing up glitter.  “ Eugh— Glitter in soda, bad idea—“ May hacked out. Ford snickered as Stan recoiled in disgust. “Alright party people, I need someone to go hammer up these signs in the spooky part of the forest,” May shouted to her employees as she held up a bunch of signs with glitter and neon paint on them. “Not it!” Stan and Ford both said, one after the other. “I also cannot help, Ms. Pines," said the handywoman, who was drilling new shelves into the wall. “I know Ria, nice work by the way,” May shot finger-guns at her, “Dan! I need you to put up these signs,” The teenager at the cashier didn’t even look up from the the wood he was carving before saying, “Nope, I’m busy with this. Get someone else to do it,” “You should fire him, Grauntie May,” Stan whispered to May. May chuckled before turning to the boys, “Alright, let’s make it… eenie-meenie-miny…” She pointed to Ford, “You!” “Aw, what? Grauntie May, whenever I’m in those woods I feel like I’m being watched.” He said to her. May sighed, “Oh, this again?” “I’m telling you, something weird is going on in this town,” Ford rolled up his jacket sleeve, “Just today my mosquito bites spelled out ‘beware,’” May took a closer look, then grabbed an itchy-stick from her pocket and slathered it on his arm, “Well, now it doesn’t. Look champ, the whole ‘monsters in the forest thing’ is just a local legend drummed up by people like me to sell merch to guys like that,” she pointed to a sweaty kid playing with a bobblehead. “There’s no reason to feel paranoid honey, now go put those signs up,” May said as she tossed the signs to Ford.  He sighed and reluctantly went outside.

As he hung up signs, Ford muttered to himself, “ Grauntie May, no one believes what l say, ”

He walked over to another tree and tapped a nail into the bark, only to hear the sound of hollow metal. “Huh?” Ford hit the tree a few more times with the hammer, hearing more clanks. He dusted off the “bark” with his hands before prying it open to reveal a hollow pocket in the tree with what seemed to be a control panel inside. He flicked a few of the levers and heard the sound of something opening behind him. Grauntie May’s pig, Waddles, had come nearby and sniffed a hole that certainly wasn’t there before. “What the—?”  He looked down in the hole and saw a dusty blue book inside. He grabbed the book and pulled it out, cleaning the cover to reveal a silver pinetree on it. He then sat down and looked around to make sure no one was watching him. He opened the cover to the first page that said ‘Property of,’ and a drawing of the big dipper as the signature. He picked the eyeglass and glanced at it for a moment before putting it aside and looking through the pages of the book. “‘It’s hard to believe it’s been six years since I began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls Oregon,’” Ford read out loud. Ford kept turning pages and saw drawings of multiple different paranormal creatures, including floating eyes, giant vampire bats, faeries and cursed doors. “What is all this?” Ford said, smiling as he skimmed through the book.  He read another page out loud, one with the words ‘TRUST NO ONE!’ written on it, “‘Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I’m being watched. I must hide this book before she finds it. Remember, in Gravity Falls, there is no one you can trust ,’” Ford closed the book, “No one you can trust…” “Hello!” Stan snuck up behind his brother, causing Ford to scream and almost drop the book, “Whatcha readin’? Some nerd thing?” “Uh… uh… it’s nothing,” Ford stammered. “ Uh! Uh! It’s nothing! ” Stan mocked, “What, are you actually not gonna show me?” “Um…” Ford said as Waddles tried to chew on the book, “Let’s go somewhere private,”

Back at the shack, the twins were in the living room. Stan listened to Ford talk while he sat on the arm of the chair. “It’s amazing! Grauntie May said I was being paranoid, but according to this book, Gravity Falls has this secret dark side,” Ford rambled as he paced around the room. Ford held up the book for Stan to see, “Woah, shut up!” Stan said as he punched his brother in the arm. “And get this. After a certain point, the pages just stop. Like the person who was writing it mysteriously disappeared,” The doorbell rang nearby, interrupting Ford’s rant. Stan grinned and turned towards the door. “Who’s that?” Ford said. “Well, I guess I can’t keep a secret from you for too long, Sixer,” Stan got up from the chair, “This guy’s got a hot date!” he pointed at himself with his thumbs. “What? In the half hour I was gone you already found a girlfriend?”  “What can I say? I’m irresistible,” Stan said as he licked his palm, using it to slick his hair back.  The doorbell rang and Stan ran to it, “Comin’!” Once he was gone, Ford hopped on the chair and flipped through the journal. It was all so mysterious… “Whatcha reading, jellybean?” May had entered the room and Ford quickly stashed the journal in the chair cushion. “Oh! I was just catching up on, uh…” Ford grabbed a nearby magazine, “…’Top Hottest Celebrities Magazine?’” The magazine had a shirtless man and some cheesy quotes on the cover. “That’s a good issue,” May said. Suddenly, the two heard Stan from the other side of the room, “Hey guys! Say hello to my girlfriend,” Ford and May turned to him to see a tall lanky girl standing next to him. The girl looked strange. Her body was completely covered by clothing, save for her hands and face. Speaking of her face.. was she… purple? “Hey,” The girl said. “Sup.” Ford said, waving at her cautiously with a perplexed look on his face.  “Hi! Welcome to the family,” May said with a smile. She didn’t seem to notice the strange skin color. “We met at the cemetery. She’s really dark and mysterious,” Stan said, holding her arm and winking at her.  Ford squinted at the girl, “So, what’s your name?” “Uh…Normal…Girl!” She rasped out. “Her names’ Nora Jill,” Stan said as he put his arm around her. Some sort of red liquid was dripping from her face, and Ford felt like only he noticed. “Are you bleeding, Nora?” Ford questioned her. “…It’s jam,” “Heck yeah, I love jam!” Stan shoved her playfully, “We have so much in common,” “So… you wanna go hold hands or… whatever?” Said ‘Nora.’ Stan whispered a ‘Yes!’ under his breath and pumped his fist in victory. He took her hand and walked off, Nora hitting her head on the doorframe as she followed him. Out of sight the sound of crashing and bumping could be heard. 
There was something about Nora Jill that wasn’t right. I decided to consult the journal…
 Ford sat in the attic flipping through the pages, trying to find something that could explain the way Nora was. Eventually he landed on a page that seemed to fit the bill. “Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes, these creatures are often mistaken for… teenagers! Beware Gravity Falls’ nefarious…” Ford gasped, “ Zombie!”

Downstairs, May was in the bathroom fiddling with her earrings, “Did somebody say crombie? ” She chuckled, “What a silly word,”

Ford turned to look out the window and below. Outside he saw Nora staggering towards Stan with her arms out.  “Oh no, Stan! ” Ford yelled through the glass “No, no, Stan, watch out!” Nora got closer, and closer, and closer , until… Nora placed a flower crown on Stan’s head and put one on hers as well. Stan blushed at this and snickered. “C’mon Nora, this is dorky,” He said with a smile. Nora sat next to him and smiled back. Ford turned away from the glass and placed his hand on his chin thoughtfully, “Is my brother really dating a zombie, or am I just going nuts?” He asked himself. “It’s quite the dilemma, Stanford,” A calm voice next to him startled him. “ Perdon , I couldn’t help but overhear you talking out loud to yourself in this empty room,” The handywoman from earlier said as she screwed in a lightbulb. “Ria, you’ve seen Stan’s girlfriend. She’s gotta be a zombie, right?” “How many brains did you see this girl eat, Stanford?” Ford paused, “Zero…” “Don’t worry, I believe you. Yo y mi abuelito are always noticing weird stuff in this town. He says that the mailman may be a werewolf,”

Ria and her grandpa were sitting at the bus stop when the mailman walked by. Ria’s grandpa gave him a side eye and scooted away from him.

“But you have to have evidence. Otherwise, people will not take you seriously,” Ria explained. “As always Ria, you’re right,” “My wisdom is both a blessing and a curse,” “Ria! The portable toilets are clogged again, can you come help?” Grauntie May called from downstairs. “I am needed elsewhere,” Ria said as she walked backwards and out of the room. 
My brother could be in trouble. It was time to get some evidence.

As Stan and Nora played frisbee together in the park, Ford was hiding in a bush watching for anything peculiar. Stan threw the frisbee straight into Nora’s head, and she didn’t react at all for a moment until she fell face first onto the ground. Ford made sure he recorded the whole thing.

Nora broke the glass window on the door to the Greasy Diner , only to open it from the inside for Stan. Stan walked through and sat at a booth, Nora stumbling behind him. Ford was, once again, watching the whole time.

Stan and Nora were racing through the cemetery when Nora tripped and fell into an open grave. She pulled herself out yelling and grasping the air above her. Stan started laughing and she did too. Ford was still watching, tape recorder in hand. 
I’d seen enough.

Stan was combing his hair back when Ford burst into their room. “Stan! We’ve gotta talk about Nora,” Ford said. “Isn’t she great? Check out this huge lipstick mark she gave me,” Stan turned his head to reveal a huge red bruise on his right cheek. Ford yelled in terror and Stan laughed at him, “Ha, gullible! It was just an accident with the leafblower,”

Stan taped a picture of Nora’s face on a leaf blower and tried to practice kissing on it. Instead, his lips got sucked in by the machine and he tried to punch and kick it off.

“That was fun,” “No, Stan, listen. I’m trying to tell you that Nora is not what she seems!” Ford pulled out the journal. Stan gasped, “You think she might actually be a hot vampire chick? That would be so awesome!” “Guess again, brother, sha-bam!” Ford opened the book and pointed it to Stan. “Huh?” Stan said as he looked at the journal. Ford looked too, seeing he accidentally flipped to the page about faeries, “Oh, sorry, lemme just…” He flipped a few more pages, “Sha-Bam!” “A zombie ? That’s not funny, Sixer.” “I am not joking! It all adds up, the bleeding, the limp…” Ford paced around the room before suddenly turning to to his brother again, “She never blinks! Have you noticed that?” “Maybe she’s blinkin’ when you’re blinkin’.” “Stanley, remember what the book said about Gravity Falls? Trust no one!”  “Well, what about me, man? Why can’t you trust me?” “Stan, she’s gonna eat your brain!” Ford shook Stan’s shoulder. “Ford, listen to me. Nora and I are going on a date at five o’clock, and I’m gonna be charming, and she’s gonna be hot—” Stan pushed Ford out of their room. “But, but—“ “—and I’m not gonna let you ruin it with one of your crazy conspiracies!” Stan shouted as he shut the door in Ford’s face. Ford sat down against the door sighing, “Gosh, what am I gonna do…”

When it was finally five, the doorbell rang and Stan raced down the stairs. He opened the door for Nora and noticed how she had put on some kind of glitter. “Hey! Woah, you look shiny, I like it!” Stan took her hand, “Now let’s go before my aunt asks where we’re headed,” Ford watched them from the living room, wondering if maybe this was just a crazy conspiracy.  “Ria is right,” He held the tape recorder in his hand, rewatching the footage he got. “I don’t have any real evidence…” He replayed a video of Stan and Nora holding each other in their arms. In the video, Nora’s hand fell off. “I guess I can be kinda paranoid sometimes and— wait, what?!”  Ford replayed the tape, and her hand definitely fell off and she just reattached it like it was nothing. Ford screamed and jumped so hard he fell backwards off the chair. “I was right! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, Grauntie May, Grauntie May!”

Meanwhile, May was touring a group of people outside. “…and here we have Rock that Looks like a Face Rock, the rock that looks like a face,” “Does it look like a rock?” An older gentleman in the crowd said. “No, it looks like a face,” May said. “ Is it a face?” A teenager asked. “No, no, it’s a rock that looks like a face, silly,” Ford ran up to May, trying to get her attention, “Over here! Grauntie May!” “People, it’s a rock that looks like a face,” May was starting to get irritated, “It’s not an actual face,”

Stan and Nora walked through the forest and stopped on a clearing. “Finally, we’re alone,” Stan said as he stretched in the open air. “Yes… alone…” Nora said as she grabbed Stan’s shoulder.

“May, May!” Ford was still trying to get May’s attention when Dan drove up and parked the golf cart next to the shack. “Dan!” “Dan!” Ford ran up to him and waved his hands around in fear, “Dan, I need to borrow the golf cart so I can save my brother from a zombie! ” Dan said nothing, just gave him a look then dropped the keys in his hands and ruffled his hair. “Don’t crash into anyone, pipsqueak,” Ford quickly started up the cart and backed up before Ria interrupted him. “ Hola, chiquito, ” She handed him a shovel, “This is for the zombies,” “Thanks,” Ford grabbed the shovel and put it in the trunk of the cart. “…and this in case you get hungry,” She handed him a small bag of homemade cookies. Ria always came to work with extra cookies. “Uh, thanks,” “Stay safe, Stanford,” She yelled to him as he drove off.

Back in the woods, Nora turned away from Stan. “Stan… Now that we’ve gotten to know each other, there’s…” She took a deep breath, “There’s something I should tell you,” She fiddled with her zipper as she spoke. “You can tell me anything, Nora,” Stan said, ‘Please be a vampire, please be a vampire,” He thought. Nora sighed, “Alright, just— just don’t freak out, okay? Keep an open mind, be cool,”  Nora unzipped her jacket and took it off to reveal a swarm of faeries underneath. The one on top shrunk her head down to a normal size for her body and started to glow a much more saturated violet color.  “Is this weird? Is this too weird? Do you want to sit down?” “Nora” conjured up a magic chair for him. Stan did nothing but stare in shock at them. “Ha, right, I’ll explain,” She paused for a moment, “ So… We’re faeries. First off, get that one out of the way,” “Uhh…” “I’m Queen Marin, and here we have Marilla, Ariel, Flora, Ivy, Carriet, Celeste, Evermore and… I’m sorry, I always forget your name,” The little red faerie at the bottom piped up, “Agnes,” Marin snapped her fingers, and a little faerie dust came out, “Agnes! Yes!” Stan sat down with his head in his hands. “Anyways, long story short, me and my hive have been looking for a king! Right, girls?” A bunch of jingling sounds were heard as the faeries all shouted ‘King!’  “Heh, so what do you say?” A yellow fairy held out  the fake hand for him, “Will you come to our home in the magic forest and join me in holy matriphony- matri- matrimony! Blegh, can’t talk today,” Stan hissed through his teeth, “Look… I’m sorry guys, you’re really sweet, but I’m a guy and you’re faeries, and it’s just… weird. Uh… yikes…” The faeries all looked down in disappointment, “We understand. We’ll never forget you Stan,” Stan smiled at them. “Because we’re gonna kidnap you,” “Huh?” Was all Stan could say before the faeries swarmed him. 
“Auggghhhh!”

Ford drove through the forest as fast as he could, almost crashing into a few trees. “Don’t worry Stan, I’ll save you from that zombie!” Distantly, Ford heard Stan yell for help. “Hold on!” Ford said as he drove right into a grove full of flowers and mushrooms.

“The more you struggle, the more awkward this is gonna be for everybody. Just— Ha, okay, just get his arm there, Ivy,” Queen Marin said as she sat on her throne. Stan swatted and punched the faeries as they tried to tie him down. Ford could barely believe his eyes, “What the heck is going on here?” A green faerie hissed at him before she ran off to help the others. “Ford! Nora turned out to be a hive of faeries, and they’re a bunch of jerks!” He said as a few faeries grabbed him by the hair and tried to pull him down, “Ack— hair, hair!” “Faeries…? Oh, I was way off,” Ford flipped through the journal to the faerie page and read it, “‘Faeries, little women of the Gravity Falls’ forest. Weaknesses: unknown,’” When Ford looked back up, the faeries had tied his brother down with some sort of vines. “Aw, come on!” Stan shouted. “Hey, hey! Let go of my brother, lady!” “Oh,” Queen Marin laughed nervously, “Hey there, brother-in-law! Um, y’know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your brother’s not in danger, he’s just marrying me and assimilating into becoming our Faerie King for all eternity,” She turned to Stan, “Isn’t that right, Hubby?” “You guys suck!” Stan said before a faerie slapped her hands over his mouth. “Give him back right now, or else,” Ford held up the shovel offensively at the Queen. “You think you can stop us, boy? You have no idea what we’re capable of. The faeries are a powerful race! Do not trifle with the—“ She was interrupted by Ford picking her up with the shovel and throwing her aside. “ Augh! ” Ford used the shovel to slice the vines and Stan immediately got up and kicked and punched the other faeries away. He grabbed a bunch of rocks before jumping into the golf cart with his brother and driving away. “You’ve messed with the wrong creatures, boy. Faeries of the Hollow, assemble!” The Queen yelled.

The twins raced through the forest, speeding up once they were out of the Hollow. “Hurry, before they come after us!” Stan shouted at Ford. “I wouldn’t worry about it, didja’ see those little wings? The suckers are tiny,” The boys suddenly heard a loud buzzing sound, and heavy stomps filled the forest. They looked behind the golf cart to see a ginormous swarm of faeries in the shape of a person. “Wow…” Ford said. “Alright, teamwork ladies! Like we practiced,” The queen said as the swarm growled as one and attempted to pound the brothers with its fist. “Go, go!” Stan yelled at Ford. Ford immediately slammed his foot on the gas and drove as fast as he could. The swarm dispersed a bit before joining together again and chasing after them, “Come back with our king!” Marin yelled. Stan turned around and screamed, “It’s getting closer!” The swarm threw some of the faeries at them, who landed on the top of the golf cart and tried to rip off the top and attack the kids. One flew next to Stan and was about to throw some faerie dust at him before he threw a rock at her and a few other faeries. Another faerie tried to grab onto Ford from behind, but he grabbed it and slammed it into the car horn. A third one landed on the trunk and flew right into Ford’s face and tried to blind him. “I’ll save you, bro!” Yelled Stan as he punched the faerie, accidentally punching his brother in the face too. The faerie fell off and went back to the swarm. “Thanks, Stan…” Ford said with a few bruises. “Don’t mention it,” The swarm then pulled a tall tree out of the ground and threw it in front of the boys. “Look out!” Stan said as he pointed at the tree. Ford quickly swerved out of the way, spinning out and tipped the cart over. Luckily, they were right in front of the Mystery Shack. They crawled out of the wreckage to see the swarm standing over them menacingly. “Stay back!” Stan said as he threw the shovel from earlier at the swarm. The swarm swatted it out of the way and growled. The twins screamed as they held each other in fear, “Uh, where’s Grauntie May?”

May was inside the shack, showing something off to her customers. “Behold! The world’s most distracting object!” She pulled a string, and the object started to spin, “Just try and look away, you can’t! …I can’t even remember was I was talking about,”

The swarm closed in on the boys, cornering them. “It’s the end of the line, boys. Stan, marry me before I do something crazy!” Queen Marin said. “There’s gotta be a way out of this,” Ford said, looking around for anything that might help. Stan stepped forward, “I gotta do it,” “What? Stan, don’t do this, are you crazy?” “Trust me,” “What?” “Sixer, just this once, trust me!” Ford looked at him and then the swarm. He stepped back, giving him space. “Alright Marin,” Stan sighed, “I’ll marry you,” “Woo-Hoo! ‘Xcuse me, Marilla,” Marin flew down the swarm, “Pardon, Celeste,” She floated in front of Stan and held out a golden band. Stan held his hand out and let her put it on his finger. “Bada-bing, bada-bam! Now let’s get you back into the Hollow, Hubby—“ “Oh, but aren’t I supposed to kiss the bride now?” Marin paused before turning around and smiling, “Well, don’t mind if I do!”  The Queen puckered her lips for a kiss, and Stan did too until he grabbed the leaf blower from behind and turned it on, pulling Marin closer.  “Ah! H-hey, wait a minute!” Ford and the other faeries gasped, “What’s goin’ on? Agh!” She tried to fly away from the leaf blower, but she got sucked in. “That’s for lying to me,” Stan turned the strength up, “That’s for breaking my heart,”  “Ow, my wings!” “And this is for messing with my brother!” Stan aimed the leaf blower at the swarm, “Wanna do the honors, Sixer?” “On three!” Ford said. “One, Two, Three!” The twins shouted as they reversed the leaf blower and shot The Faerie Queen straight at the swarm, making it fall apart. “ I’ll get you back for this!” Marin yelled as she soared over the trees like a glittery firework. The faeries flew around aimlessly, “Who’s giving orders? I need orders!” One faerie said to another, “My wings are tired,” Said another. The brothers blew them away with the leaf blower, watching as they skittered off into the forest.  “Anyone else want some?” Ford said. One faerie got stuck on some litter that was in a tree, and Waddles grabbed her with his mouth and waddled away with her. The boys walked up to the porch, completely exhausted from their adventure. “Hey Ford, I um… I’m sorry for ignoring your advice,” Stan said as he looked at the ground, “You really were just looking out for me,”  “Ah, c’mon, you saved our butts back there!” “I guess I’m just sad my first girlfriend turned out to be a hive of faeries,” “Look on the bright side, maybe the next one will be a vampire,” “Aw, you’re just sayin’ that,” Stan laughed as he gave Ford a playful punch. “High-six?” Ford held up his hand. “High-six,” Their hands clapped together and they laughed.

The two boys walked through the door to the gift shop. May was organizing the money they has earned that day and noticed how dirty the boys were. “Yikes, did you two get hit by a bus or something?” May laughed at her own joke. The twins just ignored her and started to walk away. “Uh… hey! Wouldn’t you know it, I accidentally overstocked some inventory. So, uh, why don’t you two each grab something? On the house,” “Really?” Ford said as he turned around. “What’s the catch?” Stan said with his arms crossed. “The catch is to do it before I change my mind, goober. Now take something,” The twins looked around the gift shop. Ford looked at everything, while a shiny mackerel pin caught Stan’s eye. His father has mentioned this symbol before, and Stan had found it rather interesting. He picked it up and put it on his beanie that May had knitted for him earlier. He looked in the mirror and smirked at his reflection. “And I will have a…” Ford rummaged around in a box before grabbing something, “…grappling hook!” “Wouldn’t you rather have some sorta nerd thing, sweetie? I think I have some encyclopedias over there,” May said, gesturing to a shelf full of books. Ford shot the grappling hook upwards, accidentally kicking over a box as he was pulled up, “Grappling hook!” “Fair enough!”

In the attic, Stan jumped on his bed while Ford wrote in the blank pages of the journal. 
This journal told me there was no one in Gravity Falls I could trust, but when you battle a hundred faeries side-by-side with someone, you realize they’ve probably always got your back.” 
 “Hey Stan, could you get the light?” “Yeah, sure,” Stan stopped jumping and leaned over to turn off the light, “G’night bro,” “Good night, Stanley,”

Our aunt told us there was nothing strange about this town…
 Downstairs, May walked up to the vending machine and typed in a code. 
… but who knows what other secrets are waiting to be unlocked?
 The vending machine opened up, revealing a hidden passageway. May walked in, making sure to check no one was watching her, then closed the door behind her.

———————

A faerie that Ford had hit with the shovel earlier got up and started hurling rainbow faerie dust.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Are you ready for the ultimate challenge?” Stan said as he held his Sir Syrup bottle up. “I’m always ready,” Ford said with his Mountie Man bottle. “Then you know what this means,” “Syrup race!” The two boys announced before uncapping their bottles and holding them over their open mouths. “Go Sir Syrup! ” Stan said. “Go Mountie Man!”  “Go! Go! Go!” They chanted. “Almost, almost,” Stan tapped the bottom of the bottle and the syrup fell into his mouth, “Yes!” He coughed and sputtered, “I won—” Ford grabbed the daily newspaper that was sitting on the table and read it. “No way, hey Stan, check this out!” Ford held the newspaper up for his brother to read. “Human-sized mecha-suit?” Stan gasped, “I’m human-sized!” “No, no, Stan, this,” Ford pointed to an advertisement on the paper with the title Monster Photo Contest, Win $1000 , “We see weirder stuff than that every day. We didn’t get any photos of those faeries, did we?” “Nope, just memories,” Stan pulled a wing out of his pocket, “and this dismembered wing,” “Why did you save that?” Stan shrugged. Grauntie May walked into the kitchen with a smile on her face, “Morning kiddos! You two know what day it is?” “Um, happy anniversary?” Ford asked. “Mazel tov!” Stan said. “Nope, it's family fun day, genius,” May said as she pat Ford’s head a bit too hard, “We’re not working today, so we’re gonna have one of those, you know,” May opened the fridge to check if the milk was good, “Bonding type deals,” She turned back to the boys with a smile on her face. “Grauntie May, is this gonna be anything like our last family bonding day?” Stan said with his eyebrow raised.

A few days ago, the Pines’ were in a dark room forging dollar bills.
 
“C’mon Stan, I know you’re better at art than this,” May said as she examined a bill.
 
Suddenly, the room filled with blue and red lights and sirens rang outside.
 
“Uh oh…” May said.

Ford shuddered, “The county jail was so cold,” “Alright, maybe I haven't been the best summer caretaker,” May walked between the boys and pulled them both in for a hug, “But I swear, today we’re gonna have some real family fun. Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get in my car!” The boys cheered before Ford realized what she had said. “Wait, what?”

May’s car, purple with brightly colored bumper stickers on it, drove haphazardly and swerved on the dirt road as she fiddled with the radio. The kids in the back slid across the seats at every turn. “Blindfolds never lead to anythin’ good,” Ford said as he held onto the seat. “Wow… I feel like all my other senses are heightened,” Stan grabbed at his brother’s face, “I can see with my fingers,” Ford giggled a bit at Stan’s tickling before the car hit a bump and they jumped in their seats. “Grauntie May, are you wearing a blindfold?” Ford asked half-joking, half-concerned. “Nah, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker?” May said as she crashed into a fence and drove off the road.

“Okay, open your eyes!” The boys tore off their blindfolds to see a hiking trail in front of them. Grauntie May wore a sweater, hiking boots and a huge backpack on her back. “Ta-da! The Gravity Falls national hiking trail,” May beamed. “Hiking?” Said Ford. “What’re you playing at, old lady?” “You’ll love it! It’s good exercise, and there’s a scenic lake right next to it!” The boys grinned at each other before turning to see a huge lake next to the trail. On the lake there were tons of people in boats.

“Here, fishy-fishies, get into the pan!” Said a large woman with a deep voice as she held out a pan. “Say cheese!” Thompson Determined, the local newspaper writer, said as he took a picture of a man holding a huge fish, who fell into the lake after the camera’s flash blinded him. In another boat, an older redheaded woman watched her 3 daughters set up their fishing rods. “Uh, is this how you do it?” One of the girls asked. “Nah, lemme show you how a real woman fishes,” The woman said coolly before thrusting her hands into the water and catching a fish with her bare hands. She then threw it on deck and gave it the people’s elbow while her daughters cheered her on. “Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!” “Git em, git em!” Kari Cutebiker said from another boat, also cheering the woman on.

“Well, that seems fun, but we’ve got our own plans, huh kids?” May said.  She turned around when she heard no reply from the boys, only to see that they had run off to the lake coast.  “Hey, wait, kids!” She said as she walked over to them, “Come back!” The twins stood on the sand looking out at the open water and grinning ear to ear. “Wow, a brand new body of water to explore. Let’s go find a boat!” Ford said to his brother. “Heck yeah!”  “Boys, I’m sorry but you can’t go to the lake today. Right now, we’re going to hike all the way up there!” May pointed to a small mountain nearby, “It’ll be cold, so have these sweaters I knitted for you!”  May handed them each a sweater, Stan’s saying STAN with the N falling off, and Ford’s saying FORDSY . “That’s hand stitching, you know. It’s just gonna be you, me, and those goofy sweaters on the trail for 10 hours!” “ 10 hours? ” Ford said. May pulled a small red book out, “I brought the joke book!” “No, no!” Ford said in terror. “There has to be a way out of this,” Stan whispered to his twin. “ I saw it! I saw it again!” An old woman with long gray-white hair shouted as she pushed people out of the way and ran to the dock. On the way, she broke fishing poles, flipped a table, and even smacked a man’s sandwich out of his hands. “The Gravitys Falls Gobblewonker! Come quick before it scurries away!” The woman started to convulse and shake. “Is she okay? She looks like she’s seizing,” Ford said. “I’m not seizing, I’m trying to warn you of the grave danger you are in!” The woman yelled in his face. “Hey, no, stop it!” A young woman came out of the lake shack and sprayed her with a water bottle, “This is your last warning, Auntie,” “But—but I have proof this time!” The older woman said as she shielded herself from the water. Ford and Stan glanced at each other in curiosity as the old woman gathered people’s attention to a small, broken boat. “Behold!” She pointed at it, “The Gobblewonker did that! It had a long neck like a giraffe, and wrinkly skin like—“ She pointed at May,” Like this woman right here!” “It chomped my boat into—into smithereens, and escaped to Scuttlebutt island!” She pointed at a particularly spooky looking island in the middle of the lake. She grabbed her niece’s arm and shouted in Korean, “ 제 말을 믿으셔야 합니다! ” Two nearby cops on a boat watched the full thing before one of them spoke up. “Attention all units, we got ourselves a crazy old lady on our hands,” Officer Rianda said as the crowd laughed at her. Her niece shook her head disapprovingly and walked away. “Ah, 개새끼…” The old lady mumbled and sulked as she walked away. “Well that happened. Now let’s get back to the trail, boys!” May said as she started to walk away. “Stan, did you hear what that old lady said?” “Ah, 개새끼!” Stan repeated in a perfect accent, “I gotta get that lady to teach me some Korean curse words!” “The other thing, about the monster! If we can snag a photo of it, we could split the prize fifty-fifty!” Ford said as he pulled out the newspaper from earlier. “Aw yeah, 500 buck-a-roos!” “Imagine what you could do with that money!” 
Stan stood there and daydreamed about smashing Crampelter’s house in the mecha-suit he saw in the newspaper.
 Ford snapped his fingers in Stan’s face, “Stanley, Stanley,” “Ford, I am totally on board with this!” “Grauntie May,” Ford said as he ran up to May, “change of plans, we’re taking a boat to Scuttlebutt Island and we’re gonna find that Gobblewonker!” “Monster hunt! Monster hunt!” The two boys chanted. “Monster hunt! Monster…” The old lady from before joined in, but trailed off when she realized the boys had stopped, “Oh. I’ll go,” Behind them in the water, Ria honked a horn as she drove to them in a boat with the words S.S. COOL DUDE painted on it. “Did you kids say something about a monster hunt?” She said. “Ria!” The boys said as they ran back to the dock and stood in front of the boat. “Hello, Stanley,” She smiled at him, “Would you two like to use my abuelito’s boat for your hunt? It has a steering wheel, chairs, regular boat stuff,” “Okay, let’s think this through,” May said to the boys, “You kiddos could go waste your time on some epic monster finding adventure,” She rolled her eyes, “Or, you could spend the day walking for hours and learning about the most basic birds in this part of the country with your Great Aunt May!” The boys looked at May then Ria, then back at May, then at Scuttlebutt Island. “So, what d'ya say?” But before May could even look up, the twins were already on Ria’s boat and heading to the island, laughing and hollering the whole way. “You kids aren’t getting any dessert tonight!” She shouted at them.

Ford stood on the bow of the ship with his hand shielding his eyes from the sun. “Hoist the anchor!” He shouted at Ria. Ria pulled up the anchor, which was just a cinder block tied to a chain. “Raise the flag!”  Stan held up one of their towels and let it wave in the air. “We’re gonna find that Gobblewonker!” Stan yelled. “We’re gonna win that photo contest!” “ Chiquitos, do either of you have sunscreen?” Ria said. “We’re gonna go get sunscreen!” Ford said with less excitement. The other two cheered and Ria turned the boat around. Beneath the waves, a scaled beast growled as it swam underneath them.

Ford paced in front of Stan and Ria, trying to look as serious as possible. “Alright, if we wanna win this contest, we gotta do it right. Think! What’s the number one problem with most monster hunts?” Ford quizzed them. “If you’re a side character, you die in the first five minutes of the movie,” Ria paused, “Oh dear, am I the side character? Do you ever think about that sort of thing?” “No, no, camera trouble. Say, Bigfoot shows up. Ria, be bigfoot,” Ria turned around and struck the famous pose that Bigfoot was spotted in. “There he is, Bigfoot! Uh oh, no camera!” Ford reached inside his life vest, “Oh wait, here’s one! Ah, no film! You see, you see what I’m doing here?” Stan and Ria nodded their heads in agreement. “That’s why I bought seventeen disposable cameras! Two on my ankle, three in my jacket, four for each of you, three extras in this bag, and one under Stanley’s hat,” Stan looked, and sure enough, Ford had snuck a camera under his beanie. “There’s no way we’re gonna miss this. Okay everybody, let’s test our cameras out,” Ria tried to take a picture, but accidentally flashed herself and threw it overboard. “Y’see? This is exactly why you need back up cameras. We still have sixteen,” “Agh, bird!” A seagull swooped down at Stan and he threw a camera at it. “Fifteen, okay guys, I repeat, don’t lose your cameras,” Ford said. “Wait, lose the cameras?” Ria asked. “Don’t!” “I just threw two away,” “Thirteen!” Yelled, exasperated, “Alright, we still have thirteen camer—“ Ford slammed his fist down and broke another camera with a crunch, “Twelve. We have twelve cameras,” “So, what’s the plan? Throw more cameras overboard or what?” Stan said, dangling another camera over the edge of the boat. “No! No… okay, you’ll be the lookout, Ria can work the steering wheel, and I’ll be captain,” “What? Why do you get to be captain? What about Stanley, huh? Stanley! Stanley! Stanley!” “I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” “What about co-captain?” “There’s no such thing as co-captain,” “Uh, whoops,” Stan said as he threw another camera into the water. “Okay, fine! You can be co-captain,” “Could I be associate co-captain?” Ria asked. “As co-captain, I authorize that request,” Stan said. “Well, as first co-captain, our number one order of business is to lure the monster out with this,” Ford gestured to a barrel full of fish food. “Woah, can I taste some?” Stan asked. “Granted,” Ford said, giving him a confused look. “Um…” Ria started. “Permission co-granted,” Stan said as he grabbed some and licked it before coughing and gagging. Ford laughed at him, but Ria just gave him a water bottle to clean his mouth. “Ah, I don’t know why I wanted to do that so bad. Thanks, Ria,” May watched them from the trail, stewing in her own frustration. “Traitors. I’ll find my own hiking buddies,” May looked around before spotting a young couple sitting on a nearby bench, “Ah-ha! There’s my new pals!” The two young adults sat on the bench together, surrounded by beautiful bushes and trees. The guy had specifically chosen this spot for this special moment. He looked at the engagement ring he got his girlfriend, and took a deep breath and turned to her. “Now that we’re alone, Angela, There’s a burning question which my heart longs to ask of you,” “Oh, Maxwell,” May ran over to the couple and interrupted them. “Hey, wanna hear a joke?” She asked with a grin on her face. The man opened his mouth for a moment, but didn’t say anything. “My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is gettin’ better!” Silence. “Her aim is gettin’ better! You see, it’s funny because my ex-wife did actually try to shoot me once,” The couple walked away, as far away from May as they could get. “What?” She yelled at them.

Meanwhile, Ria and the twins piloted through fog, dead trees and wrecked boats. Stan was messing with a pelican and pretending to talk for it. “Hey, how’s it goin’?” He asked the pelican before moving its pouch up and down and speaking in a deep voice, “ It’s going awesome!”   “Stan, leave that poor bird alone,” Ford said. “ Aw, I don’t mind none!” The ‘pelican’ said. “Hey, look, I’m drinking water!” Stan said as he held a cup to his mouth and tried to gurgle out Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. He was unsuccessful, and choked on the water as the pelican flew away. “Aren’t you supposed to be doing lookout?” Ford said with his hands on his hips. “Look out!” Stan yelled as he threw a volleyball at Ford, “Haha… but seriously, I’m on it—“ Just then, the boat stopped abruptly. “See? We’re here,” They all stepped out of the boat, “I’m a lookout genius! Mecha-suit, here we come,” The island was dark and foggy, covered in trees and rocks. It was mostly a mountain, so the twins guessed they did end up having to do some hiking. As they walked through the forest, Ford carried a lantern as the other two trailed behind him. “Heheh, Ria, look,” Stan walked up to a sign that read Scuttlebutt Island and covered up the word Scuttle with his arm, “Butt Island!” Ria chuckled at his joke. “Hey, why aren’t you laughing?” Stan asked Ford with a smile, “Are you scared?” “Psh, Yeah right, I’m not—“ Stan poked him in the nose, “Yeah you are!” Stan kept poking him and blowing raspberries, “Hey, stop— Quit it— Stanley—!” Something on the island roared loudly and scared the boys. Ford dropped his lantern and Stan stopped harassing his brother to listen. “Did you two hear that?” Ria said. “What was that? Was it your stomach?” Stan asked. “No, my stomach usually sounds like whales singing,” Stan put his ear up to Ria’s stomach, and sure enough, it sounded like whales, “Woah, cool!” A possum skittered up to them and stole Ford’s lantern and ran away. Ford gasped and looked into the fog, “Our lantern! Ah, I can’t see anything,” “ Chiquitos, maybe this isn’t worth it.” Ria said. “Not worth it? Guys, imagine what would happen if we got that picture!” Ford started to daydream…

“Tonight, we’re here with adventure-seeking scientist, Stanford Pines, who bravely photographed the elusive Gobblewonker. Tell me Stanford, what’s the secret to your success?” A man in a suit said to Ford.
 
“Well, I run away from nothing,” He drank some coffee, “Nothing except for when I ran away from my annoying Grauntie May who I ditched in order to pursue that lake monster,”
 
“How right you were to do so. She looked like a real piece of work,” The man took out a medal, “I don’t often do this, but I feel the need to give you an award,” 
 
Ford and the man posed for a photo before Stan in his mecha-suit crashed through the wall.
 
“Charlie! Why won’t you interview me?”

Stan charged at them and wrecked the set.

The twins smiled at each of their fantasies. “I’m in!” Ford shouted. “Me too!” Stan said before he and Ford ran further into the forest. “Okay, chiquitos, I’m coming!” Ria said, running after them.

As they continued to walk on, Ria started beatboxing and Stan attempted to rap along. “My name is Stan, it rhymes with can, it also rhymes with fan, it also rhymes with… man!” Ria stopped beatboxing, “You should be writing this down, Stanley,”  “Guys, guys, shh! Do you hear something?” Ford said. The same growling from before filled the forest, and a murder of crows flew away from a specific spot behind the trees. Ford gasped, “This is it, this is it!” The two boys smiled at each other and playfully punched each other in the other’s arm. Ria picked up a stick that was on the ground, fully prepared to protect them. The three of them walked deeper into the fog and saw the silhouette of the creature. They group jumped and hid behind a nearby log so they could take pictures. Ford pulled his camera out first, “Everyone, get your cameras ready,” He whispered to the other two, who promptly pulled them out and aimed them at the creature. “Ready? Go!” Ford yelled as he and the others ran towards the silhouette screaming, taking pictures as they did. When they got closer, the fog dispersed and the silhouette was revealed to just be another wrecked boat with beavers living in it. 
‘I love cavorting!’
 
‘That deserves a hug!’
 Two of the beavers cuddled as another dived into the water. Ria continued to take pictures of them, finding them very adorable. “But… but what was that noise then? I heard a monster noise,” The growling sound was heard again, and the trio turned to the source of it, which was just a beaver playing with a chainsaw.  “Aww, a beaver with a chainsaw,” Ria cooed as she took more pictures. “Maybe that old lady was crazy after all,” Ford said, defeated. “She did have a bandage on her hair,” Stan said.

“Look, when identifying birds, you gotta look for both male and female attributes. A lot of bird species differ depending on their sex,” May, meanwhile, was talking to a random little boy about bird watching, “That’s a secret from one hiking buddy to another,” She winked at the boy. “Uh… I, uh, who are you?” The boy asked uncomfortably. “Just call me your Grauntie May!” “Ma’am, ma’am!” A woman yelled at her, “Why are you talking to our son? If you don’t leave right now, I’m calling the police!” “Haha, you see, the thing about that is,” May ran away as far as she could up the trail. “Go bother your own kids!”

Ria was still taking pictures of the beavers, completely filling her film up, “Beautiful, yeah, work it! Nice, give me another one of those,” She said as though she was taking pictures of a model. Ford sat on a rock in the water, sulking, “What are we gonna say to Grauntie May? I ditched her over nothin’…”  He threw a rock into the water and sighed as he stared at his reflection. The reflection started to ripple, distorting his face. “Hey, guys, do you feel that? Woah—!” The rock Ford was sitting on fell into the water, and Ria and Stan had to pull him out of the water. A tail moved and splashed water on them, and the twins screamed as they watched a figure swim in the water. “This is it!” Ford pulled out his camera and started snapping photos of it, “C’mon, this is our chance!” Ria and pulled Stan back, trying to protect him. “What’s wrong with you guys?” Behind him, the Gobblewonker rose out of the water and towered above him. “Ford…” Stan and Ria backed away in fear. “It’s not that hard, alright, all you gotta do is point and shoot, like this,” Ford turned around, holding the camera up. He slowly aimed it upwards at the creature. When he saw its face, it roared at him, causing him to drop his camera. “Run!” Ria shouted as the monster got on land. Ford started running as it chased him on land, knocking down a tree. Stan was right under it, and Ford tackled him out of the way, rolling around a bit before running as fast as their little legs could. Trees fell around them, blocking their path and making them have to dodge them. They eventually caught up to Ria. “Get back to the boat, Hurry!” The monster snapped its jaws at Stan, which made him jump. Luckily, Ria caught him and carried him. Ford kept taking pictures before he tripped on a tree root and dropping the camera, which the Gobblewonker smashed under its weight. “No, the pictures!” Ford tried to run back before Ria grabbed him and started carrying him by the scruff like a cat. “ Chiquito, if it makes you feel any better, I got plenty of pictures of those beavers!” “Why would that make me feel better?” Ria kept running and once she reached the boat she threw the boys on, climbed in after them and started to drive the boat out of there. The Gobblewonker still came after them, smashing through the island in the process.  “Alright, this is it!” Ford pulled out another camera, “Cracked lense? Ria, give me one of your cameras!” Ria was throwing her cameras at the beast, trying to distract it. “What are you doing?!”  “I still have one left, don’t worry Ford!” She threw her last camera at him and it smashed into the wall next to him. The Gobblewonker dived into the lake, swimming up to them and splashing the water so hard a wave formed. Ria quickly took hold of the wheel again and turned around so she could drive even faster. “Go, go, go, go, go!” Ford yelled at her. Ria turned a lever all the way up, causing the boat to speed up tremendously.

“Stupid binoculars, focus already!” May was standing on the edge of a cliff overlooking the lake, trying to get her binoculars to focus so she could take in the view. “Can you please tell me more funny stories, Gam-gam?” A young boy nearby said to his grandmother. May looked up to see two boys and an old woman on the other side of the trail “Anything for my hiking buddies,” The older woman said to her boys as she ruffled one May scowled at the touching scene. “Gam-gam, I just realized that…” The boy hugged her, “I wuv you,” “Ah, come on! Boo! Boo!” May heckled at them. “Hey now, what’s the big idea?” The old lady said. “Maybe she has no one who wuvs her, Gam-gam,” “Yeah, well I— I—!” Suddenly, Ria and the twins zoomed by in the boat, scarily close to the cliff, and accidentally splashed May with water. The Gobblewonker followed, and got her even more wet. May stomped her feet in anger before sitting down and sighing.

The trio kept racing around the island, trying to throw the beast off their trail.  “Ria, beavers!” Ford pointed at the wrecked boat from earlier. 
‘We’re still beavers.’
 Ria and Stan screamed as they crashed into the boat, smashing it more than it already was. The beavers were launched into the air and landed on their boat, biting and scratching the trio. Ria got distracted by one, and Stan threw a beaver off his arm and took the wheel, steering them away from the Gobblewonker as Ford and Ria threw the beavers off the boat. The beast sinked below the waves, still chasing them. Stan steered the boat in the way of other people on their own boats, and the Gobblewonker followed, creating tidal waves that jostled and  flipped the other people’s boats.

The redheaded woman from earlier was showing her girls how to gut a fish when a tidal wave threw them overboard. Some fish fell from the sky, hitting the family in their heads. “Dammit— Swim, girls!”

The Gobblewonker rose above the water again and smacked its head into the side of their boat a few times, smashing the top half to pieces. “Ahh! Look out!” Stan yelled as he pointed at two men, each on boats holding one side of a pane of glass. The trio crashed into the glass, shattering it instantly. “My glass!” One of the men yelled. Stan accidentally drove them into a dead end, “Where do I go?” He yelled as he and Ford looked around for an exit. Ford whipped out the journal and flipped through the pages, “Um, uh, go into the falls! I think there might be a cave behind there!” He said, pointing at the waterfall. “Might be?” Stan shouted. The trio braced for impact as they drove right into the waterfall, getting splashed with water before they tumbled out of the boat and onto the shore inside the cave. They dusted themselves off before looking behind them to see the Gobblewonker lunging for them. They screamed, closing their eyes as Ria wrapped her arms around the boys and hugged them close. When nothing happened, they looked to see that the beast had gotten stuck in the mouth of the cave and was thrashing around. “It’s stuck!” Stan said. “Haha, yeah!” Ford celebrated, “Wait, it’s stuck?”  The trio ran up to a cliff inside the cave to get a good picture of it. Ford looked inside his life jacket but felt nothing and started to panic. Stan took off his hat and took the last camera from underneath it and handed it to his brother. Ford laughed triumphantly and took a bunch of pictures of the Gobblewonker, which tried to snap at him. “Did ya get a good one?” Stan asked. “They’re all good ones!” Ford and Stan whooped and high-sixed. The beast kept thrashing around before a stalactite fell on its head and made a loud CLUNK . Blue sparks flew out of its head as it fell into the water. “What the…?” Ford jumped down to take a closer look at the beast, feeling its skin. It felt more like metal than skin… “What’s wrong?” Stan asked as Ford knocked on the beast’s side. Sure enough, it sounded like metal. He started to climb up the beast’s back. “Be careful, chiquito! ” Ria warned him. “Hold on, I’ve got this,” Ford shouted back. He climbed over the other side, taking a look before popping back up and waving at the others. “Hey guys, come check this out!” Stan and Ria climbed over too, looking at the hatch Ford had found. The brothers glanced at each other before Ford opened the hatch. Steam billowed out before revealing the little old lady from earlier was inside. She worked the machine before turning around in shock. “Wh— You? You made this!? Wh— Why?” Ford said, confused. “Well I… I, uh…” The old lady trailed off, “I just wanted attention,” “I still don’t understand,” Ford said. “Well, first I made up a biomechanical brainwave generator, and then I learned how to operate a stick-shift with my hair!” “Okay, yeah, but why did you do it?” Stan asked. “Well, when you get as old as I am, nobody pays any attention to you anymore. My only known family member, my niece, hasn’t visited me in months. So I thought maybe I would get her attention with a 15 ton aquatic robot!” The old lady cackled loudly before sighing sadly, “In retrospect, it does seem a bit over complicated. You just don’t know the lengths we old people go through for a little quality time with our family,” The boys pulled out the sweaters May made for them and looked at them as they realized how awful they were to their Grauntie. Ria put her hands on their shoulders, trying to comfort them. “So, did you ever talk to your niece about how you felt?” Stan asked the old lady. “No, I got straight to work on the robot,” The lady pulled out a projector that showed off blueprints for the Gobblewonker and newspaper pages about her, “I made a lot of robots when I was younger, like when I left my fiancé and I created a revenge pterodactyl-tron to take my anger out, or when my best friend Grenda didn’t come to my retirement party and I constructed an 80 ton shame-bot , that exploded the entire downtown area!” The lady cackled again, “Well, time to get back to work on my death ray,” The old lady went back into the cockpit before sticking her hand out, “Do you kids happen to have a screwdriver?” Ford took out his camera, “Well, so much for that photo contest,” “Why not use it anyway?” Stan asked “It wouldn’t be right,” “Well, we still have one more roll of film left,” “What do you wanna do with it?”

May walked down the trail, back at where she started. She sighed as she looked down at the ground, thinking about how awful her day went. “Hey, over here!” May looked up at the lake to see the twins and Ria on a smashed up boat. The boat landed on the shore in front of May, and the boys ran out and hugged her. “What the— kids? I thought you two were off playing spin-the-bottle with Ria,” May said. “Well, we spent all day trying to find a legendary dinosaur,” Ford started “But we realized the only dinosaur we wanna hang out with is right here,” Stan finished his sentence for him. “Oh please, I’ve been having a great time without you. Making friends, getting attacked by a possum, I had a run in with the park rangers. Guess I gotta wear this ankle bracelet now, so that’ll be fun,” “So, I guess there isn’t any room for three more?” Ford said with a weak smile as he and Stan took off their life jackets and put their sweaters on. May couldn’t help but beam at this, “Have you kids ever seen me identify a flower based just on smell?” “Five bucks says you can’t do it,” Ford said. “You’re on!” “Five more bucks says you can’t do it with your eyes closed, plus me screaming at the top of my lungs!” Stan said. “Heheh, I like those odds!” “Alright,” Ford held up the camera, “Everybody get together. Say ‘Hiking!’” “Hiking!” Stan and Grauntie May said. “Am I in the frame?” Ria said as she tried to get in the photo, but only her stomach showed up on film. Ford took a lot of photos, one of Grauntie May on the ground with her eyes closed, with Stan on her back screaming as loud as he could. He took another photo of May reading from a terrible joke book as Stan and Ria laughed at it, while he rolled his eyes. Stan took a photo of a butterfly that had landed on Ford’s head, and one of May posing in front of the sun. Ford took a picture of May and Stan stealing a chocolate bar from the boys and their grandmother from earlier, and another one of the aftermath, in which May carried the twins as they ran from the park rangers. Later, as they were walking back home down the trail near the cliff, a small spray of water hit Stan and Ford, but when they looked down the cliff they didn’t see anything. “What was that?” Stan asked. “Dunno,” Ford said as they kept walking. Below the water, the real Gobblewonker swam deep in the lake.

———————

“ Who wants to hear a joke? ” Stan said as he moved the pouch of the pelican from earlier up and down. “Not me,” Ford said. “Yeah you do, here it goes! Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?” “I don’t care, Stanley,” “ ‘Cause he had a very big bill! La la la la, yuk yuk yuk, ” “Booo, bad joke. Bad pelican joke,”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The twins sat in front of the television, each stuffing popcorn in their mouths as they watched the screen with interest.   “I'm afraid your services won’t be required here, sir,” The police man on the TV said, “My men have examined the evidence, and this is obviously an accident,”  ‘Accident, constable? Or is it…’ The subtitles said as a duck wearing a detective’s hat waddled on screen, ‘Murder?!’ The duck quacked.  “What?” The man on the screen yelped.  “Ducktective will return after these messages,” A man off-screen said as the show cut to commercials. “That duck is a genius,” Stan whispered in awe. “Eh, it’s easier to find clues when you’re that close to the ground,” Ford said. “Are you saying you could outwit Ducktective? ” “Stan, I have very keen powers of observation. For example, just by smelling you breath, I can tell that you have been eating,” Ford sniffed the air, “An entire tube of toothpaste?” “The tube said it was mint flavored, y’know, like the ice cream,” Stan said as he wiped some of the crusty, sparkly paste off his lips. “ Chiquitos! You two will never guess what I just found,” “An archaeopteryx?” Ford asked. “Barf! Lots of barf!” Stan said. Ria led the two into the hallway, “I was cleaning the hallway when I found this secret door hidden behind the wallpaper. It’s very, very creepy,” She pushed the door open and it made a long, ominous creaking noise. There were shadowy figures in the room, and Ford pulled a flashlight out of his jacket and shined it on them. “Woah, it’s a secret wax museum,” Stan said as he touched one of the figures, looking at the dust that collected on his finger. “They’re so lifelike,” Ford said as he handed his brother the flashlight. “Except for that one,” Stan said as he looked at a dark figure in front of him. Ford pointed the light at the face of the figure and it turned out that it was not a wax figure, but instead it was their Grauntie May, “Hello!” She said cheerfully. In the flashlight, her smile looked eerily creepy. Ria, Stan and Ford all yelped in fear when they heard her voice. May laughed, “It’s just me, you're Grauntie May!” Stan dropped the flashlight and the three of them ran out of the secret room screaming. May chuckled again before gesturing to the whole room, “Behold, the Gravity Falls Wax Museum! It was one of our most popular attractions!” She paused, “…Before I forgot all about it,” May walked around the room, “I’ve got ‘em all! Genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes,” She stood in front of a figure of Larry King, “Some kinda… I dunno, goblin man?”  Ford shivered at the sight of the figures, “Is anyone else getting the creeps from here?” “…and now, for my personal favorite, wax Abraham Lincoln! Right over—” May turned to the figure, which was in front of a window and  completely melted, “Oh no, what?! Come on, who left the blinds open? Wax John Wilkes Booth, I’m looking in your direction,” She pointed accusingly at the other figure on the other side of the room. She sighed before crouching next to the melted wax, “I guess I’ll have to fix it. Ria, go get my sculpting tools,” “Wait, maybe I can fix it?” Stan piped up. “Really, champ? You’d do that for me?” “Yeah, I’m pretty good at art. It’s, like, the only class I’m not failing. I’ll make you a new wax figure from all this old wax,” “I like your enthusiasm, bucko!” May said as she ruffled his hair.

Later, Stan sat hunched on a stool doodling concepts for the new wax figure. Ford walked into the room, sipping some Pitt Cola he had gotten from the kitchen. Stan practically jumped in front of him, waving a sketchpad in his face, startling Ford and making him drop his soda. “Ford! Whaddya think of my wax figure idea?” He held up the sketchpad for his brother to see, “It’s a horse with monster truck wheels instead of hooves,” “Hmm, maybe you should carve something from real life?” “Like a waffle with really beefy arms?” Stan scrawled on the sketchpad before once again shoving it in his brother’s face. “Okay, or y’know, something else? Like someone in your family,” Just then, May walked in wearing a plain sweater and sweatpants, a stark contrast to the brightly colored ones she usually wore. “Kids, is this sweater too boring?” She said as she posed dramatically in front of them. Stan’s eyes widened and he bit his lip in happiness, before turning around and looking up, “Ah, muse, you work in mysterious ways,” “Why is your brother talking to the ceiling?”

After that spark of inspiration, Stan immediately got to work on carving the wax. He used May’s old tools and slowly but surely carved it into the shape of May in usual her blazer and skirt. It took a few days of hard work, but eventually he was done. He wiped his brow and stepped back to admire his work. Ford and Ria were behind him, looking at his creation. “Hmm… Grauntie May really likes glitter, so maybe I should add a bit more,” Stan said. “I agree, glitter makes everything better,” Ria said as she handed a bowl full of glitter to Stan, who promptly threw it on the wax figure. May walked into the room, wearing a much more flashy sweater with a drab pair of jeans, “I found a better sweater, but do these jeans—” May looked up and screamed, jumping back in surprise. “What do you think?” Stan asked her with a wide smile on his face. May paused to think for a moment before smiling back at him,“Oh, Stan, it’s beautiful! Looks like the wax museum’s back in business!”

Later that day, May had gathered a crowd at the front of the shack for the grand re-opening of the Wax Museum of Mystery . Ria led cars in with two corndogs, using them as runway lights. She took a bite of one as cars drove by her. A long line of people had gathered at the ticket stand, which Dan and Ford were working at. “I can’t believe this many people showed up,” Ford said to Dan. “Seriously, your aunt probably bribed them or something,” “She bribed me,” Ford said as he pulled a 10 dollar bill out of his jacket pocket. Dan pulled another bill out of his own pocket and he and Ford chuckled. Meanwhile, Stanley was on stage with May looking out at the crowd with a huge grin on his face. He wasn’t exactly appreciated at home, so the fact that so many people came to see his artwork? May was worried the kid might blow up. May cleared her throat before tapping the microphone. The crowd covered their ears as the feedback rang in the air. “You all know me, folks, town darling Ms. Mystery. Please, boys, control yourselves,” She said to the crowd of sweaty people, “As you know, I always bring the people of this fair town novelties and befuddlements the likes of which the world has never known,” She said dramatically, “But enough about me, behold, me!” May ripped a cloth off the wax statue of herself. The statue was of her in a regular blue sweater and her usual hot pink skirt. Ria played a fanfare and a few Yeah! sound effects on her keyboard that she had brought. A few people clapped slowly and one man coughed. “And now a word from our own Lee onardo DaVinci!” She said as she handed the microphone to Stan. “It’s Stanley. Thank you for coming, I made this sculpture with my own two hands! It’s covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids,” Stan chuckled as the crowd recoiled in disgust, “Haha, yeah. I will now take questions! You there,” He said as he pointed to the crazy old lady from a week ago. “Old Lady Chiu, local hag, are the wax figures alive? And, follow-up question, could I survive the wax man uprising?” Chiu asked. Behind the crowd, a man in a gray jumpsuit picked something off the ground and disappeared. “Um, yes,” Stan said, “Next question,” “Thompson Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper, do you really think this constitutes a wonder of the world?” “Your microphone is a turkey baster, Thompson,” May said. “Oh, yeah, I guess it is…” Thompson trailed off. “Next question!” Stan shouted. “Tambry Valentino, a real reporter, your flyers promised free pizza with admission to this event. Is this true?” Tambry held up a flier as the crowd erupted with outcries. “That was a typo. Good night, everybody!” May said cheerfully as she threw a glitter bomb on the ground, disappearing in a cloud of pink. The crowd yelled and complained as May dashed to the ticket stand and grabbed the box full of money on it. Multiple people left shouting and breaking things. Dan’s mom shouted something about promising her daughters pizza, an old lady threw a chair, and several other people trashed the place. Stan walked up to the ticket stand and turned to Ford and Dan, “That went as well as it could have,”

Later, at night, May and Stan counted the money they had earned that day. “Hot pumpkin pie, look at all this cash! And I owe it all to one person,” May said. Stan smiled at her expectantly, “This gal!” May said, gesturing to Wax May. Stan punched her lightly in the gut and May giggled before ruffling his hair, “I’m joking, it was all you, pumpkin! Now, you and your brother go wash up, we have another day of earning cash tomorrow,” May said as she pushed the twins out of the living room. May sighed as she leaned on Wax May, “Ah, kids. They’re so cute,” May sat down on the living room chair and turned on Ducktective.   “Well, Ducktective, it seems you’ve really quacked the case,” The policeman on screen said with a wink.  “Don’t patronize me,” Ducktective quacked. May laughed at the T.V. as she held Wax May in a side hug, “Silly duck. Well, I’m gonna go to the little old lady’s room,” She said as she started to walk out of the room before popping her head back in and speaking to the wax figure, “You need anything?” The wax figure was silent, “Haha! I love this guy! Don’t you go anywhere,” She said as she left the room. Outside, a wolf howled at the waxing moon and the wind rustled in the curtains of the bathroom while the boys were brushing their teeth. “Ford, you wanna do a toothbrush race?” Stan said with mint green foam in his mouth. “Okay,” Ford mumbled around his toothbrush.  “No, no! Noooo!” May screamed downstairs. Instantly the boys ran down the steps and into the living room, where Wax May’s headless body lay. “Wax May, she’s been…” May gulped, “Murdered!” She fainted and almost hit the ground before the twins caught her.

Once May got back up, she frantically called the cops and explained the situation to them as soon as they came. “I get up to use the john, right? And when I come back, blammo! She’s headless!” Stan kneeled next to the wax figure, stroking the wax-hair, “My expert handcrafting, besmirched, besmirched!”  Ford stood next to Stan with his hand on his chin, “Who would do something like this?” “Hm… What’s your opinion, Sheriff Rianda?” One of the two cops asked the other. “Look, we’d love to help you guys, but let’s face the facts. This case is unsolvable,” Rianda said as he took a sip of his coffee. “What?!” The Pines’ all shouted. “You take that back, Sheriff Rianda!” Stan yelled as he pointed a finger at the sheriff. “You’re kidding, right? There must be evidence, motives… You know, I could help if you want.” Ford said. “He’s really good, he figured out who was eating Ria’s leftover cookies,” Stan said as he got up off the ground. “All signs pointed to the pig,” “Yeah, yeah, let the boy help. He’s got a lil bit of brain up in his head,” May said as she put her hand on Ford’s shoulder. Sheriff Rianda chuckled and nudged Deputy Menville, “Ooh, look at what we’ve got here. Buzzkill Boy thinks he’s gonna solve the mystery with his fancy computer phone,” The two of them laughed, “You’re adorable, kid,” “ Adorable? ” The cops continued to laugh at him as Ford’s face morphed into a scowl. “Look, PJs, how about you leave the investigating to the grown ups, okay?”  “Attention all units,” The cops’ walkie-talkie started to speak, “Dave is going to fit an entire cantaloupe in his mouth. Repeat, an entire cantaloupe,”  “Damn, a 2316 ,” Menville said. “Let’s move,” Rianda said as the two of them jogged out of the house, laughing. “That’s it! Stan, you and I are gonna find the jerk who did this and get back that head. Then we’ll see who’s adorable,” Ford said before sneezing. “Haha, you sneeze like a kitten,”

The next day, the twins were standing in the living room and investigating the crime scene. “Wax May lost her head, and it’s up to us to find it,” Ford said as Stan took pictures of the beheaded statue, “There were a lot of unhappy customers at the unveiling, the murderer could have been anyone,” Stan made an over-exaggerated gasp, “Even us?” Ford punched him lightly as Stan chuckled at his own joke. “In this town, anything is possible. Ghosts, zombies, it could be months before we find our first clue,” “Hey, look, a clue,” Stan said as he pointed to some footprints on the ground, about half of them having a hole in them. “Footprints in the shag carpet,” “That’s weird, they’ve got a hole in them,” “And they’re leading to…” Ford said as he looked behind the yellow chair. They both gasped and looked at each other when they saw an ax behind the chair.

They quickly went to Ria and handed the ax to her, asking her what she thought. “So, what do you think?” Ford asked. “In my opinion, this is an ax,” She replied. “Wait a sec’, the lumberjill!” Stan shouted in realization. “Of course!” The twins said in unison. “She was furious when she didn’t get that free pizza for her kids,” Ford said with a thoughtful expression. “Furious enough for murder ,” Stan said, slamming his fist on his palm. “Oh, you mean Dan’s mother, Wendy Corduroy? She hangs out at this intense biker joint downtown,” Ria said. “Then that’s where we’re goin’,”  The two boys high-sixed as they ran out of the house. Outside, May was lifting a coffin out of the trunk of her car. “Hey sweeties, can you two give me a hand with this coffin? I’m doing a memorial service for Wax May, something small but classy,” She said as she hauled the coffin out. “Sorry Grauntie May, but we’ve got a big break in the case,” Ford said, “We’re heading into town right now to interrogate the murderer,” Stan pulled the ax out of Ford’s backpack, “We have an ax! Ree ree ree! ” Stan said, chopping the ax and imitating a horror sting. “This seems like the kind of thing a responsible parent wouldn’t want you doing. Good thing I’m an aunt! Avenge me, kids! Avenge me! ”

Ford and Stan hid in an alleyway next to the biker bar, sneaking their way to the front. “This is the place,” Ford said as he and Stan looked at the burley bodyguard, “Got the fake IDs?” Stan handed him two fake IDs. “Here goes nothing,” The bodyguard took a closer look at the ID, but handed it back, “Sorry, but we don’t serve miners,” “Dagnabbit!” The miner said as he walked away, sulking. Ford and Stan walked up to the bodyguard, handing him two crudely made fake IDs, one saying ‘Sir Nerdcules’ and the other saying ‘Lord Awesomesauce.’ “We’re here to interrogate Wendy Corduroy the lumberjill for the murder of Wax May,” He said, flashing the IDs. “Works for me,” The bodyguard saud as he opened the bar door. When the twins went inside, they were met with bar fights and men drinking too much. Ford led Stan through the sea of people, stepping over an unconscious man. “This is my kinda place,” Stan said with a wide smile on his babyface. “Alright, let’s try to blend in, okay?” Ford said to his brother. “You got it, Nerducles!” Stan said as he hopped on a bar stool next to a gruff, older man, “Hey fellow bar patron, I take it you’re a poker kinda guy?” Stan pulled out a few DOS cards. Ford, meanwhile, ran up to Wendy, who was playing an arm wrestling game, barely breaking a sweat. “Wendy Corduroy! Just the woman I wanted to see, where were you last night?” “Punching the clock,” Wendy said. “You were at work?”  “Nah, I was punching that clock,” Wendy pointed out a window at a clock, broken and stuck at ten, “An old buddy of mine dared me fifty bucks to see if I could smash it,” “Ten o’clock, the time of the murder,” Ford said as he scratched his head, “So I guess you’ve never seen this before?” Ford pulled the ax out of his backpack. “Listen kid,” “I’m twelve—“ “I wouldn’t pick my teeth with that ax, it’s left handed, I only use my right hand,” Wendy said as she ripped the arm of the machine off and cheered to herself. “Left handed…” “ DOS! ” Stan said, smiling as he held his two remaining cards. “Gosh darnit,” The man he was playing with said. “Stan, big break in the case!” Ford said as he dragged his twin off the bar stool, a few DOS cards falling out of Stan’s pockets as he was dragged away. “Hey, you cheated!” The man shouted at him.

“It’s a left handed ax, these are all our suspects, and Wendy Corduroy is right handed,” Ford said as they walked down the street, “That means all we have to do is find our left handed suspect and we’ve got our killer,” “Man, we are on fire today!” Stan said as he pulled out a lighter he pickpocketed off someone, “Literally,” “Where did you— Whatever, let’s find that murderer,”

The boys spent the rest of the day going around town and checking people’s hands. They went to visit Old Lady Chiu, who Ford waved at. Chiu waved back with her right hand, which a baby alligator had bitten and attached itself to. Ford crossed her name off and they continued their hunt. Their next stop was a house, where they pretended to deliver a package. The man who lived in the house signed the paperwork with his right hand, and Ford took the package back with a frown and crossed his name off. They went back on the street and Stan whistled at an old lady to get her attention, then threw a baseball at her, which she caught with her right hand. They crossed her name off too. The boys visited another home and knocked, only to find the man who lived there had casts on both his arms. They scribbled out his name. As the day progressed, they crossed out more and more names until only one name was left. “Stan, there’s only one person left on this list,” Ford said as he showed his brother. “Of course, it all adds up!”

The twins, Sheriff Rianda, and Deputy Menville pulled up to the Gravity Falls Gossiper newspaper building. Ford got out of the cop car first, standing outside the door of the building. Menville peered into the building through a window, and Rianda turned to the boys. “You kids better be right about this, or you’ll never hear the end of it,” Sheriff Rianda said. “The evidence is irrefutable,” Ford said with a smirk. “I finally get to use my nightstick,” Deputy Menville said. “You ready, man?”  Deputy Menville whooped in response. “On three, one, two,” Ford counted down. Menville busted the door down and the two cops shine their light in Thompson Determined’s face. “Nobody move, this is a raid!” Rianda said as Thompson fell out of his chair from shock. “What is this, some kind of raid?!” Thompson asked as Menville knocked a lamp off a desk. “Thompson Determined, you’re under arrest for the murder of the wax body of Grauntie May,” Ford said as he pointed an accusatory at Thompson. “You have the right to remain impressed with our awesome detective work,” Stan said. “Good Lord, I don’t understand!” “Then allow me to explain,” Ford said, trying to make his voice sound older and smarter, “You were hoping that Grautie May’s new attraction would be the story that saved your failing newspaper, but when the show was a flop, you decided to go out and make your own headline,” Stan held up a newspaper about the beheading, “But you were sloppy, and all the clues pointed to a shabby shoed reporter who was caught left handed,” “Thompson Determined, you’re yesterday’s news,” Stan said as he balled up the newspaper and threw it behind him. “Boy, your knees must be sore from jumping to conclusions,” Thompson said with a nervous chuckle, “I had nothing to do with that murder,” “I knew it— wait what?” Ford said. “Huh? Could you repeat that?” Stan said, just as confused as Ford. “Then where were you the night of the break-in?” Sheriff Rianda said. Thompson tugged his collar nervously, before digging a security tape out of his desk and putting it in the TV. The tape showed Thompson pulling a cardboard cutout of some anime character and dancing with it.  “Finally, we’re alone, cardboard cutout of Inumike Satsuo,” Past Thompson said on the screen. “Ew, that’s creepy,” Stan said as the rest of them agreed. “Well, timestamp confirms it. Thompson, you’re off the hook, you freak of nature.” Rianda said as Thompson cheered. “But… but it has to be him! Check the ax for fingerprints,” Ford said Menville pulled out a black light and the officers checked the ax. “No prints at all,” Rianda said. “No prints?” Ford said as he put his hand on his head. “Hey, I got a headline for you, buzzkills waste everybody’s time!” Menville said, prompting the other two adults to laugh. “Boy, I’d be pretty embarrassed if I were you two right now,” Thompson said as he stood in front of the TV, which was still playing the security tape.

Later that night, Wax May was settled in a coffin during the funeral May had prepared. May stood at the altar, face sullen and sad. “Boys, Ria, lifeless wax figures,” May addressed the room, “Thank you all for coming. Some people might say it’s wrong for a woman to love a wax replica of herself,” “They are wrong!” Ria shouted as she blew her nose. “Easy, Ria. Wax May, I hope you’re bedazzling stolen wallets in Wax Heaven,” May said as she wiped a tear from her eye, “I’m sorry, I’ve got glitter in my eye!” She shouted as she ran out of the room, Ria following her to comfort her. Ford sighed, “Those cops were right about me,” “Sixer, we’ve come so far, we can’t give up now,” Stan said as he put his hand on his shoulder. “But I considered everything, the weapon, the motive, the clues…” Ford said as he walked over to the coffin and looked in, noticing something strange on Wax May’s foot, “Wax May’s shoe has a hole in it,” “All the wax guys have that. It’s how they stay on the poley thingy,” “Wait a minute…” Ford said as he realized the implications, “What has holes in its shoes and no fingerprints? Stan, the murderers are—!” “Standing right behind you?” A British voice behind them said. The boys quickly turned around to see the wax figures writhing and moving. Ford gasped as he recognized each of them. “Wax Sherlock Holmes! Wax Shakespeare! Wax Coolio?” “What’s up, Holmes?” Wax Coolio said. One of the wax figures snatched the ax out of Stan’s hands and grinned menacingly at him. “Congratulations, my two amateur sleuths. You’ve unburied the truth, and we’re going to bury you,” Wax Sherlock said as he pointed his magnifying glass at them. The boys winced in fear as the wax figures cornered them. “Bravo, Stanford Pines. You’ve discovered our little secret,” Wax Sherlock pulled Wax May’s head from his coat, “Applaud, everyone, applaud sarcastically,” He said as the wax figures clapped, “Uh, no, that sounds too sincere,” They all clapped slower, “Slow clap, there we go, nice and condescending,” “But, how is this possible? You’re made of wax!” Stan said. “Are you… magic?” Ford said, with a very slight hopefulness in his voice. “Are we magic? He wants to know if were magic,” Sherlock laughed before slamming his fist on the coffin behind the twins, “We’re cursed!”  The crowd of wax figures repeated what he said. “Cursed to come to life whenever the moon is waxing,” Sherlock said, turning away to recount their memories, “Your aunt bought us many years ago at a garage sale…” “A haunted garage sale, son!” Wax Coolio said.

About 11 years ago, May was at the garage sale, looking at the statues.
 
“I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price,” The seller said, wiping his brow. 
 
May checked the price tag, “Twenty dollars? Do you take stickers as payment?”
 
“What?” The seller said.
 
“I said I’m gonna scam you,”
 “And so, the Mystery Shack’s collection was born. By day, we were the playthings of man,”  “But when your aunt went to sleep, we ruled the night,” Wax Coolie butted in. 
“Hey, I told you to stop that,” Past Wax Coolio said as Past Wax Larry King messed with one of his twists.
 
“Make me!” Past Wax Larry King shouted back.
 
In another room, Past Wax Sherlock Holmes and Past Wax Edgar Allen Poe messed with May in her sleep, taking embarrassing photos of her.
 “It was a charmed life for us cursed beings, that is, until your aunt closed up shop,” 
Over time, the wax room was sealed off and covered in wallpaper. Ria was sweeping the hallway when she saw that the doorknob fell off, and put it back on.
 “We’d been waiting 10 years to get our revenge on May for locking us away!” 
Past Wax Sherlock sliced what he thought was May’s head, but was shocked to see it was her wax twin.
 “But we got the wrong woman,” 
When Sherlock heard May walking back into the living room, he quickly ran out with the head.
 “So you were trying to murder Grauntie May for real?” Stan said. “You were right all along, Stan, wax people are creepy!” Ford said. “Enough! Now that you know our secret, you must die,” Sherlock said as his eyes rolled back into his skull, the other wax figures doing the same. The figures cornered the boys until they were backed into a table. “What do we do, what do we do?” Stan asked Ford as he held his fists up, trying his hardest to hide how scared he was. “I don’t know…” Ford said. The boys turned behind themselves and grabbed whatever they could off the table. Ford managed to grab a pot of coffee and threw it at Wax Genghis Khan, who screamed as he melted from the heat. “That’s it, we can melt them with hot stuff!” Stan said. Ford and Stan both reached to grab two fake candles from the table, using them as swords. The wax figures backed away from the heat. “Anyone move, and we’ll melt you into candles!” Ford said.  “Decorative candles!” Stan said with a smile. “You really think you can defeat us?” Wax Sherlock said. “Eh, It’s worth a shot,” Stan said as both boys thought it over. “So be it. Attack!”  Sherlock pointed at the twins and the wax figures approached them. Wax Robin Hood tried to grab Stan, but Wax Lizzie Borden accidentally sliced his head off in an attempt to get Stan. Wax Shakespeare dashed towards Stan, but he cut his arms off with the candle before he could get him. One of his dismembered arms grabbed Stan and tried to strangle him, which Stan responded to by slamming a door on the fingers of the arm. “Interview this, Larry King!” Ford said as he sliced Wax Larry King’s head off. “My neck! My beautiful neck!”  Behind Ford, Wax Groucho Marx tried to grab the candle, but melted his hand. “Jokes on you, Groucho!” Ford said as he sliced the figure in half. “I’ve heard about a cutting remark, but this is ridiculous! Hey, why is there nothing in my hand?” Wax Genghis Khan charged at Ford, which Ford dodged. Instead, Ghengis Khan jumped into the fireplace by mistake. “Ha, Ghengis Khan! You fell harder than the Jin Dynasty!” Ford said with confidence. Stan, meanwhile, used Wax Coolio’s decapitated head as a mace and hit all of the wax figures that were cornering him. “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! What’s up with that?” “Sixer, watch out!” Stan said as Wax Sherlock approached his brother. Sherlock stuck Wax May’s head on the horn of a taxidermied rhino and pulled his sword out, “Alright, let’s get this taken care of,”  Sherlock knocked the candle out of Ford’s hands, smashing it on the ground and swinging up to hit him with his sword.  Stan threw Ford a fire poker, “Catch!” Ford caught it and used it as a sword, fencing with Sherlock as he backed him out of the room and up into the attic. Wax Sherlock backed him against a door and held his sword to him. “Once your family is out of the way, we’ll rule the night one again!” Ford panicked for a moment, before noticing the window and running to it, “Don’t count on it!” He pushed the window open, running out onto the rooftop. “Come back here, you brat!” Ford heard Wax Sherlock shout behind him.  He balanced on the Shack sign as Sherlock followed him, still swinging at him and hitting the S on the Shack sign, making it break and fall off. “You really think you can outwit me, boy? I’m Sherlock bleeding Holmes!” Sherlock shouted at Ford as he climbed up and over the sign, “Have you seen my magnifying glass? It’s enormous!”  Now, on the other side of the Shack roof, Ford hid behind the chimney, checking around it to see where Sherlock was. He checked his right, seeing nothing. He then checked his left, and Sherlock startled him and kicked him to the ground. “Any last words?” Wax Sherlock said as he raised his sword. “Um… You got any sunscreen?” Ford said, looking out at the horizon and smiling. “Got any— What?!” Sherlock looked up to see his hands melting in the sunrise. He gasped in horror, dropping his sword and turning to the sun, “No,” “You know, letting me lead you outside? Probably not your sharpest decision,”  “Outsmarted by a child wearing a turtleneck and coat in summer? Noooooo!” Sherlock yelled as he melted, “Fiddlesticks, humbug! It’s a total kerfuffle! What a hullabaloo…”  “Case closed,” Ford said as he dusted off his hands, getting some dust up his nose and sneezing. Even while melting to death, Wax Sherlock cackled, “You sneeze like a kitten. Those policemen were right, you’re adorable, adorable!” He yelled as he melted off the roof, falling in a puddle of wax. “Ew…”

“Though our group be cleft in twain, man if wax shall rise again!” Wax Shakespeare’s head rhymed as Stan threw wax body parts in the fireplace. “You know any limericks?” Stan asked as he picked up the head and held it in front of the fire. “Uh… there once was a dude from Kentucky,” Shakespeare started before being tossed in the fire. “Nope!”  Stan noticed his brother walk into the room and ran towards him, “Bro, you’re okay! You solved the mystery afterall,”  “I couldn’t have done it without my sidekick,” Ford said as he grabbed Wax May’s head off the taxidermied rhino from earlier. “No offense Sixer, but you’re the sidekick,” “What? Says who, are people saying that? Have you heard that?” “Holy kitten fur! What happened to my parlor?” May yelled as she entered the room. “Your wax figures turned out to be evil, so we fought them to the death,” Stan said. “I decapitated Larry King,” Ford said, backing his brother up. May just laughed, “You kids and your imaginations,” “On the bright side, though, look what we found!” Ford said as he handed May her wax counterpart’s head. “My head! I missed this gal! Alright boys, line up for some too-tight old lady hugs!” May said as she squeezed the boys in her arms. The boys tried to scramble out, but ended up laughing in the end. Suddenly, a cop car pulled up just outside the nearest window. “Solve the case yet, kid? I’m so confident you’re gonna say no, that I’m gonna take a long, slow sip from my coffee,” Sheriff Rianda shouted from the car before sipping his coffee. “Actually, the answer is yes!” Ford said, holding Wax May’s head up for the cops to see. Rianda spluttered a bit before spitting his coffee out, right into Deputy Menville’s face. Menville screamed and Rianda quickly drove away, “It burns!”  The Pines’ laughed at them and May pointed at them, “They got scalded!” She said as they heard their car crash. Ford turned to his brother, “So, did you get rid of all the wax figures?” “Yeah, I’m ninety-nine percent sure that I did,” “Good enough for me,” From the vent, Larry King’s decapitated wax head watched them and laughed before a rat approached him, “So, you’re a rat. Tell me about that,” The rat bit his ear and tore it off, scampering away with it, “Hey, get back here!” He said as he hopped after it, “I’m hopping! I’m hopping after a rat that stole my ear!”

———————

“Hey, Ford, which of Grauntie May’s sweaters looks less dorky? She’s trying to send me home with at least five and I wanna pick the least girly ones. So, fuzzy blue or llama hair?” Stan said as he stood in front of a mirror. Wax Larry King’s decapitated head hopped through the vent and answered for him, “The llama hair. Llamas are nature’s greatest warriors,” He said before bouncing away. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, Ford!” Ford sat up from the living room chair, confused, before sitting back down and reading.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

It was the afternoon, and May was outside showing the last group of tourists around. She held out a box covered in gift wrap and stickers and smiled wide at the tourists. “For tonight’s final illusion, we have the incredible May Box!” She shook the box around, hearing the sound of coins clinking, “If you put a quarter in, you’ll get to make a wish!” The tourists quickly pulled out their spare change, made their wishes, and put the money in the slot in the box, commenting about how kind May was.

Meanwhile, inside, Ria and the boys were watching television. Ria sat on the chair while the two boys sat on the arms of it.  “The tiger was badly injured in the explosion,” A voice on the TV said as it showed a Tiger with a fist attached to its side, “But we repaired him with a fist,”  Stan and Ria whooped and hollered at the television as Ford rolled his eyes with a smile, “Yeah, that tiger is a hero!” Stan said. On the screen, the tiger punched itself before the show cut to a commercial, “‘Tiger Fist!’ will return after these messages,”  The commercial played a clip of a pair of hands releasing doves into the air. “Oh, chiquitos, this is the commercial I was telling you about,” Ria said as she pointed at the screen.  “Are you completely miserable?” A deep, southern voice asked.  A man on screen sobbed into his hands before yelling, “Yes!”   “Then you need to meet Big Gideon and your pal Buddy!” The voice said as a silhouette of a tall man and a short child was on screen. “Gideon? Buddy?” Ford asked. “What makes them so special?” Stan said.  “They’re psychic!” The voice on screen said. “Huh?” Stan squinted his eyes and he and Ford exchanged a look.  “So don’t waste ya’ time with other so-called ‘Masters of Mystery,’” The voice said as the screen showed footage of Grauntie May walking out of the portapotty with toilet paper stuck to her shoe, “Learn about tomorrow tonight, at the Gleeful Tent if Telepathy!” The voice announced as a wide shot of the tent was shown, “Flashphotographyprohibited,Norefundsonanyitemspurchased,MasonI’velovedyousincethemomentIsawyoupleasetakemeback,”   “Haha, what a bunch of boloney. Hey Sixer, wanna go to that tent to kill some time?” Stan said. May walked into the room, taking off her blazer and hanging it on the coat tree, “Uh-uh, ever since that jerk Gideon and I broke up he’s been trying to ruin my business, and now that he’s gotten custody of his son he’s using the little monster to steal all my customers. I’ve been having nothing but trouble since then!”

Earlier that week, May was looking for a parking spot at the supermarket. When she spotted one and was about to take it, a tour bus that read ‘Gideon n’ Buddy’ on the side took it. May clenched her fists in anger, “Gideon!”

“Well, wouldn’t it be fun just to check it out?” Stan said, hopping off the armrest.  Ford followed him, “Yeah, a magic show could be cool, even if it is fake,” “No way, José. You kids are forbidden from patronizing my ex and his little snot of a kid! No one that lives under my roof is allowed under the Gleeful’s roof,” May said with her hands on her hips. “Do tents have roofs?” Stan asked his brother. “I think we just found our loophole,” Ford said as he and Stan raced each other out of the house with Ria right behind them. The TV, still playing the commercial, spoke again, “So c’mon down soon folks! We’re expectin’ ya,” The voice said menacingly.

Outside the tent, a fat man in a blue suit and a pure white pompadour held out a box with a multicolored star on it, “Step right up folks to see the magic of the Gleefuls! Admission is fifteen dollars,”  Inside the tent, Ria and the boys sat in one of the middle rows waiting for the show to start. Ford looked around, “Woah, this place is like a bizarro version of the Mystery Shack. They even have their own Ria,” He said as he pointed to a woman with a name tag that read ‘Tia.’ Ria shot her a dirty look. “Shh, shut up Ford, the comedy show’s starting,” Stan said to his brother, fully prepared to laugh at whatever tricks these folks had. Spotlights turned to point at the middle of the stage. As the curtain opened, it revealed the man from earlier.  “Hello America! My name is Big Gideon,” The man said as he clapped his hands, and a flock of doves flew out of his large hair. “That’s May’s ex and mortal enemy?” Ford said with a laugh, “He looks so polite though,” “Please, this guy’s got con artist written all over him,” “Ladies and gentlemen, it is such a gift to have you here tonight! Such a gift,” The man said as he clasped his hands together, “And in return, my gift to you is my son and your friend, Buddy!” The man moved to the side to reveal a small boy in a pink suit with a nervous buck-toothed smile on his face. “Howdy, y’all!” The boy said, waving to the audience with a bit of awkwardness before clearing his throat and speaking again, “I have a vision that soon you will all say, ‘aww!” The boy turned around for a moment before spinning back around with an innocent look on his face,” True to his word, the crowd cooed at the boy. “That one was so easy to make up. We should tell Ma about that,” Ford said, elbowing his brother. He and Stan chuckled. The man on stage skipped over to the piano and started to play as the boy sang and danced along. 
“Oh, I can see what others can’t see! It ain’t some sideshow trick, it’s innate ability! Where others are blind, I am futurely inclined, and you too can see if you was ‘widdle’ ol’ me!”
 The man raised one of his hands and the other grabbed his bolo tie. Somehow, the piano kept playing despite there being no hands on it, “C’mon everybody, rise up! I want y’all to keep it going!” As he lifted his hand, the crowd all stood up.  Ford and Stan exchanged a confused glance, “How did he—?”  “Dunno…” “Keep it goin,’ people!” Gideon shouted as the boy kept singing.  “You wish your son would call ya more!” The kid sang as he pointed to an older woman holding two cats on her lap. “I’m leaving everything to my cats!” She shouted.  “I sense that you’ve been here before!” The boy pointed to a teenager with an afro who was holding tons of Gideon and Buddy merchandise. “What gave it away?” The teen said with a huge smile. Stan rolled his eyes, “Oh, come on,” The boy suddenly got off stage and stood right next to Stan, “I’ll see your mind from within,” The crowd clapped along, “Somethin’ tells me that y’all are twins!” He said, pointing at Stan and Ford.  The brothers just looked at each other and laughed as the boy got back on stage.  “So welcome all ye to the Tent of Telepathy, and thanks for visiting,” The boy winked at the crowd, “Widdle ol’ me-e-e!” He struck a pose at the end and stood there as the crowd applauded, sweating and hiding another nervous look behind a smile. Gideon walked back on stage, kneeling down next to his son waving to the crowd, “Thank you! You people are the real miracles!”  The twins just gave each other a look, holding their breath and trying their hardest not to laugh. Once they had left the tent, they burst out laughing. It was so ridiculous, and the way the crowd ate it up was disheartening in a comical way. “Oh, Man! Those Gleefuls are bigger frauds than Ma and May combined,” Ford said, “No wonder Grauntie May is jealous,” “Yeah, but at least it was kinda entertaining. Doesn’t hurt to watch a show like that,” Stan said as he and his brother walked home, giggling and poking each other. Behind them, the boy from on stage watched them from afar with an intrigued look on his face.

The next morning, Ford sat at the living room table looking through a novel. Stan sprinted up to him covered in dirt and oil, grinning ear-to-ear. “Check it out, Sixer!” Stan said, “I crawled underneath Grauntie May’s car to see if it was as dirty as it was in the movies, and it totally was,” Stan sneezed and a cloud of dirt was shot in Ford’s direction. “Ew, wash that off Stan,” Ford said, giggling covering his face. “You don’t understand my whimsy, Ford,” Stan said as he wiped some of the gunk off with his arm. The doorbell rang and May shouted through the walls, “Can somebody answer that door?” “I’ll get it!” Stan wiped some more dirt off his face before rushing to the door and opening it. Behind the door was Buddy, now wearing a much more casual Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts, “Howdy,” He said with a shy smile on his face. “Oh, hey, it’s ‘Widdle Ol’’ you,” Stan said. “Ha, yeah, my song’s pretty corny. My dad wrote it,” The boy looked away embarrassed for a moment before looking back at Stan, “I know we haven’t formally met, but last night I saw you and thought you looked pretty darn cool,” “Really? I mean— Heck yeah I’m cool!”  “When I saw you in the audience, I thought to myself, ‘Now, there’s a fella who appreciates the adventurous things in life,’” “Yeah, that’s totally me!” Stan said before sneezing. Another small cloud of dust and dirt came out and got right on Buddy’s shirt, “Oh jeez, my bad,” Stan said sheepishly. A short moment of awkwardness passed before Buddy snorted out a laugh, “Oh, it’s fine. It’s charming in a way,”  “Hey, who’s at the door?” May called from inside the house. “No one, Grauntie May,” Stan yelled back. “I appreciate your discretion, I don’t think your aunt and my dad are on good terms. I dunno how a witch so horrible could be related to a knight so respectful,” Buddy said. “Ha, well I dunno about respectful, Buddy. That is your name, right?” “Actually, I prefer just Bud,” Bud said with a slightly sad look that quickly melted away as he spoke again, “What do you say we step away from here and chat a lil’ bit. We could head on down to the go-kart track,” “Really? That sounds awesome!” Stan said as he poked Bud in the stomach. “Hahaha… ow…”

When the kids got to the go-kart track, Stan looked at it in awe. “This is gonna be so awesome!” Stan said as he and Bud grinned at each other.

Later that day, Bud walked Stan back to the shack. When Stan got inside, he saw Ford sitting on the yellow living room chair, reading the journal. “Hey, Sixer! What’s goin’ on?” Stan said as he leaned over the chair and over Ford’s head. “Where have you been?” Ford said as he put the journal down. “I’ve been hanging out with my new pal, Bud. He’s really cool and knows all the best places to hang out,” “Stan, come on, you’re better than this. May said we shouldn’t trust any of those Gleefuls,” “Oh, leave him alone. You never wanna do cool stuff with me, you and Ria do dorky stuff all the time,” “What do you mean?” Just then, Ria walked into the room with a Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons box. “Stanford, I found this DD and More D box in my abuelito’s attic. Are you ready to do tons of math for fun?” Ria said.  “Am I?” Ford jumped off the couch with a huge smile on his face as he and Ria ran into the dining room and started to set stuff up. Stan just rolled his eyes.

Later that day, Stan and Bud sat next to each other on top of a warehouse. Stan looked out at the horizon, squinting at the sunset. “Man, the view from your family’s factory is nuts!” Stan said. “Good thing I brought binoculars for us,” Bud said as he pulled out two pairs and gave one to Stan. The two looked at each other with them and chuckled. The two of them looked over the town for a few moments before Bud spoke up, “My dad used to take me up here all the time, before The Tent got real popular… I miss those days,” Bud looked down. He tried to keep a smile on his face, but Stan could tell something was wrong, “Nowadays, all he cares about is The Tent and getting back with your aunt,” Bud’s voice turned dark and Stan tried to ignore it, “I’d do anythin’ to make him proud of me,” “Jeez, I’m sorry. If it makes you feel any better, my dad also kinda stinks. He’s super hard to impress, the last time I saw him smile was probably… never actually,” The two of them chuckled. “Stanley, I’ve never had a friend like you before, but I think you’re the most interesting and fun fella on earth. Your dad is missin’ out if he can’t see you for the great person you are!”  “Dude, you’re being so nice to me right now, quit it!” Stan said as he playfully punched Bud in the arm. Bud rubbed the slight pain in his arm away, “I can’t quit, you’re a great friend. Speaking of, I was wondering if you wanted to get lunch with me tomorrow. I know a place with great pastries,” “Sure, sounds awesome,” “Great!” Bud said as he hugged him, and Stan pat his back awkwardly.

The next day Ford and Stan sat in front of the television, jamming buttons on controllers while they played video games. “I’m just saying, Stan, you shouldn’t be hanging out with Grauntie May’s competitors. Bud could be using you somehow,” Ford said. “Yeah right, I’m not that gullible,” Stan mashed a few more buttons, winning the game he and his twin were playing, “Ka-boom! Haha!” The doorbell rang and Stan hopped off the couch to get it. When he opened the door, a horse poked its head through the doorframe. Stan screamed in fear and fell back, looking up to see that Bud riding it. “Heard you like horses!” Bud said with a smile as he gave Stan a hand to get on the horse. Stan laughed awkwardly as he climbed onto the horse, “This is some crazy commitment, dude,”

For lunch, the two kids went to a nearby restaurant. It was moderately fancy, but not anything special. “I can’t believe they let us bring the horse in here,” Stan said as he stuffed a breadstick in his mouth. “Well, people have a hard time saying no to me,” Bud said, shrugging his shoulders. Behind him, the horse started eating another woman’s food. A waiter walked up to their table and poured water from a pitcher into Bud's glass. “Mister Buddy! Welcome back, I’ll get you and your little friend menus in a moment,” The waiter said before walking away. “I’ve never seen this many forks before,” Stan said before picking up his glass of sparkling water, “I think this place is too fancy for me… I feel kinda out of place,” He said with a sour look on his face. “Well, at least you’re with me, right?”

Back at the shack, Ria, Dan, and Ford hung out next to the cashier in the gift shop. Ria read a cooking book while showing Ford some of the recipes she was considering trying, while Dan texted on his phone.  Just then, Grauntie May stormed into the room holding a newspaper up. She was infuriated, a rare look on her. “Hey, what the H-E-double hockey sticks is Stanley doing in the paper next to Gideon’s little snot?” She said, pointing at a picture of the two kids in the newspaper. The photo was taken of them walking on the sidewalk, Bud laughing about something Stan said, with the caption ‘Li’l Buddy’s li’l friend?’   “Oh yeah, it’s a big deal. Everybody’s talking about Buddy and Stan's little playdate,” Dan stopped texting and held up his phone to show some texts about the kids.  “What!? Gideon’s kid is hanging around my great-nephew?” May said as her grip on the paper tightened. “I think it’s sweet that Stanley is making new friends,” Ria said as she closed the cooking book and put it down. May threw the newspaper on the ground and stormed out of the room. “Hey, you can’t say I didn’t warn him not to!” Ford yelled as she walked back into the room, already fully dressed in her blazer and skirt. “This ends tonight! I’m going to that skunk Gideon’s house to have a little chat,” May said angrily as she hid her crochet needles in her pocket, “This is gonna stop right now!” She slammed the door behind her as she left. A moment of silence passed before Ria picked her cooking book back up and spoke, “Right… Anyways, Stanford, do you think Stanley would like peanut butter scones or these mini cake-things more?”

May sped over to the Gleefuls’ house, almost driving past it from how fast she was going. She quickly backed up and put her car in park before getting out and slamming the door so loud she was sure the whole neighborhood heard. She marched onto the path leading to the house, pushing the fence gate open and stomping her feet up to the door. She banged on the door, screaming for Gideon, “Gideon, you slimy jerk, open up!” May looked through the peephole for him before noticing a cutesy sign hung on the door that read ‘Pardon this Garden,’ “I will pardon nothing!” She growled as she tore it off with a grunt. Gideon opened the door for her and put on his best smile, “Why, Mason Pines! What a delight to see you,” “What the fluff is your kid doing near mine? Where is the little snot?” May said, putting her hands on her hips and scowling. “Why, I haven’t seen Buddy all day, but since you’re here you must come in,” May growled as he pulled her inside, batting his hand off of her, “Do you want some coffee? It’s imported, all the way from Columbia,“ “Wow, I went to jail there once…” May shook her head, “No, none of your weird flirting. I’m here to make you get your kid away from Stanley, I don’t want any of you Gleefuls near my family!” She shouted at him. “Oh, but peach dumpling—“ “Don’t call me that, you already ruined my life and I’m not letting you ruin my nephew’s either!” “Mason, please, hear me out. My li’l Buddy and Stanley are like two peas in a pod, and I know you would hate to break up such good friends!” Gideon said as he handed May a mug of coffee and sat down on the loveseat. “Yeah, but the difference is that it’s your kid,” She spat at him, “You better keep Buddy away from Stanley, or you’ll be in for a world of hurt!”  “Oh, but Mason, they’re so close. Like how we used to be back in the ‘90s,” He winked at her and took a sip of his coffee, “Why don’t you just let them be friends. Maybe we could be friends again too?” “Absolutely not, never again! You know what you did! Now if you’ll excuse me,” She got in his face and pointed her crochet needles at him, “I have better things to do than spend time with a pig like you,” May stormed out of the house, knocking down an end table on the way out before slamming the door shut.  Gideon sighed after she left, “She’s still the same strongheaded woman she’s always been,”

Meanwhile, Bud kept talking his mouth off to the other boy while Stan poked the lobster on his plate with his fork.  “…And then my dad said I needed to be meaner to overbearing fans, but I told him ‘Then what’s the point of having fans?’” Bud said as he wiped his chin with his napkin. “Ha, yeah…” Stan tried to avoid eye contact with Bud. As much as he liked the guy, all this fancy stuff was a bit much. “Stan, today has been lots of fun, and tomorrow is sure to top it in every way!” “Tomorrow?” Bud then put his hand to his ear, “What a surprise, a messenger pigeon,” He held his palms out and a small pigeon carrying a letter landed there. Bud stroked the bird’s feathers before taking the letter off it and giving it to Stan. “Open it!” “Uh, okay,” Stan opened up the letter and read it out loud, “‘Stanley, will you accompany Bud to the ballroom dance this thursday,’”  The people around them watched from their tables and aww’ed at them, some even getting up to stand next to their table. “Aw, so adorable!” A woman said. “Buddy’s got a li’l friend!” The chef in the kitchen cooed. “So? Will you come?” Bud said as he watched Stan’s expression. “Bud, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to say—” “I’m on the edge of my seat!” Officer Rianda said as he held his heart. “This is gonna be so adorable,” Kari Cutebiker said. “If he says no, I’ll die of sadness,” An elderly lady said with her hands clasped together. “I can verify that will indeed happen,” A doctor said. The crowd murmured and gasped as Stan sunk back into his seat as he realized the pressure of this situation.

Stanley walked back into the shack, passing by Ford. “Hey, how did it go?” Ford asked his brother. Stan put the lobster from earlier into the tank, “I dunno, I have a lobster now,” He said dejectedly, “I felt so stressed there, it was too fancy. Always thought I’d enjoy the high-life but it was too much pressure and I just felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb,” “Well, at least Bud won’t drag you to another fancy thing, right?” Stan tapped on the glass of the tank. “Stan? It’s over, right?” More silence, “Stanley?” Stan whipped around and groaned, pulling on his eyelids in frustration, “He asked me to go to some dance with him and there were so many people and I didn’t know how to say no!” “Like this, ‘No,’” Ford said, pointing to his mouth. “Don’t get smart with me, it’s not that easy!” He walked to the table Ford was sitting at, “And I do think Bud is cool, so I didn’t wanna hurt his feelings. I just need to get him to see that I’m not into all this fancy junk…”

The next evening, Bud and Stan rode in a gondola as Old Lady Chiu paddled the boat, humming a tune as she did. “You know, I kinda thought dancing was gonna be the end of evening,” Stan said, trying his best to be polite. Bud chuckled a bit, “Yeah, but I thought I would show you something real neat first. Look behind ya,’”  “Huh?” Stan turned around and fireworks went off in the shape of a star with the words ‘Bud n’ Stan, Best Friends.’  “Well, you can’t say no to that,” Chiu said. Stan cringed at the display, scrunching up his face as he realized how deep he had gotten into this friendship.

Later that night, Ford walked down the stairs and heard Stan muttering as he passed the living room. This caught his attention, and he stood in the doorframe listening to what Stan was saying. “But he’s so nice, but I think he’s obsessed with me, but I don’t think he has any other friends and I don’t wanna leave him alone… Agh, I have no way out!” Stan muttered as he paced around the living room. “What in the heck happened at that dance?” Ford said as he approached Stan from behind. Stan turned around to face his brother, “I don’t know, I thought he was a cool guy, but then he kinda showed off some weird obsessive side and I don’t think I wanna hang out with him anymore,” “I told you so, pumpkin,” Grauntie May said as she walked into the room, “Those Gleefuls are nothing but trouble,” Stan groaned in frustration, “Ugh, I need to be alone,” Stan sprinted out of the room and up the stairs. Ford went after him and found him in a laundry basket, covered in (Thankfully, not Ford’s)dirty laundry. “Oh no, Stanley,” “Stanley’s not here, he’s in Laundry Land,” “Are you gonna come out of Laundry Land?” The pile of clothes shifted as Stan shook his head, “Alright, enough is enough. If you can’t break it off with Bud, then I’ll do it for you,” Stan popped his head out from under the clothes, “You will?” Ford nodded. Stan jumped out of the basket and tackled Ford, punching and hugging him, “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!”

The next evening, Ford walked into a restaurant called The Club. Man, Stan wasn’t lying when he said Bud was dragging him to fancy places. He looked around before spotting Bud at a table and walked up to him. He cleared his throat and Bud put down his menu to look at him, “Oh, Stanford Pines, how are you?” Bud said with a smile, “You look good, you look good,” “Uh, thanks. Look, Bud, we’ve gotta talk. Stan isn’t joining you tonight. He, uh, he doesn’t wanna see you anymore,” Ford chuckled nervously, “He’s— He’s kinda weirded out by you— No offense,” Bud paused for a moment, “So, what you’re saying is…” Bud’s eye twitched and he started to sweat nervously, “You’ve come between us,” “You’re not gonna, like, freak out or anything, are you?” “Of course not, these things happen,” Bud chuckled, “Bygones, you know,” “So, okay, cool! Well, then again, sorry but uh, hey… thumbs up,” Ford said as he walked away slowly. Once Ford was turned around, Bud pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his brow, “This is bad… I need to execute plan B,”

Outside the restaurant, Stan stood twiddling his thumbs as Ford walked out the door. “How did it go? Was he mad?” Stan asked his brother. “Don’t worry, Stan, he took it pretty well. I’m sure that everything will go back to normal soon,” Ford said as he wrapped his arm around Stan.

Later that night, Bud paced around his room holding his father’s bolo tie. He had never stolen from his father before, especially not something so… powerful. He’d seen him use it on stage to control the crowd, so he had a general idea of how it worked. He looked in the mirror on his vanity and looked at his reflection.  “Stanford Pines, you don’t know what you’ve done,” Bud said, gripping the bolo tie.  The candle on the vanity table rose and he gasped as he quickly loosened his grip on the green gem in the tie. He definitely needed to practice using it more, so he turned around and lifted his dresser into the air. Then his bed, then a few more pieces of furniture, until everything in his room was floating. “You just made the biggest mistake of your life!”   “Buddy? What on earth is all that racket!?” His father shouted from downstairs. “Nothing, dad!” He yelled back, still holding the furniture up. Bud waited until he couldn’t hear his dad anymore before putting his furniture down slowly and carefully.  He looked at a board of photos of him and Stan, looking specifically at one of Stanley and his brother. He burned Ford’s side of the photograph until it was just of Stan.

Early next morning, Ria and the twins were outside. Ria had stuffed a pillow under her shirt and spread her arms out wide. “I’m ready, chiquitos,” She said. The two boys charged at her, bouncing off her stomach and laughing. “I’m so glad everything’s back to normal,” Said Stan. The phone rang, and the twins looked at each other and each said, “Your turn,” Stan was quicker, though, and Ford sighed and got up to take the phone call. He picked up the phone, “Hello?” “Thompson Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper,” Thompson said on the other end of the line. “Oh, hi, sorry for accusing you of murder last week,” “It’s no big deal. Say, we want to interview you about whether you’ve seen anything unusual in this town since you’ve arrived,”  “Oh, finally! I thought nobody would ever ask. I have notes and theories… uh-huh, uh-huh, 412 Gopher Road… Uh, tonight? Got it,” Ford said as he pulled a notepad out and wrote down the address. Thompson hung up the phone and turned to the chair in front of him, “There, I did your dirty work. Now it’s time to pay your end of the bargain,” The person in the chair tossed him a small piece of paper and Thompson gasped, “A ticket to Comicon? Bless you, Li’l Buddy!” He said as he hugged the ticket. His shadow moved upward as Bud got out of his chair and walked out the door.

At night, Ford walked to the place, checking the address that he was given before walking to the front and stepping inside the warehouse. “Hello?” He called out, the sound echoing off the walls. When he heard nothing, he turned to leave but was stopped when the door slammed shut. Ford was probably imagining it, but he swore he saw a green glow as the door moved. He banged on the door before turning around. The overhead lights turned on and lit up the room, putting a single red leather chair in the spotlight. The chair turned around to reveal Bud, who was wearing the pink suit he usually wore when he was performing, “Howdy, friend,” Ford sighed and rolled his eyes, “Bud—” “Stanford Pines… how long have you been living in this town, a week? Two? Do you like it here, enjoy the scenery?” Bud said, saying the last part of his sentence darkly. “What do you want?” “Listen carefully, this town has secrets you couldn’t begin to comprehend,” “Is this about Stan? I told you, he doesn’t wanna be around you anymore,” “Well, he’s gonna have to be if I want my plan to work!” Bud jumped out of the chair and started to walk towards Ford. “What, what plan?” Ford backed away slowly. “Oh, you’ll find out soon enough,” Bud gripped his bolo tie and lifted Ford into the air. Ford gasped as Bud threw him across the room. His fall was softened by a few boxes of Gleeful brand toys. Ford couldn’t believe it, Bud had used actual magic, “Wh— What!? But you’re a fake, how did you do that?” “You think that magic me and my pappy do is fake? Well, tell me Stanford, does this look fake?”  Bud gripped his tie again and opened all the boxes in the room and lifted up all the merchandise in the warehouse, aiming it all at Ford.

Back at the shack, Stan sat on the porch and chewed on one of his nails as Dan opened the door behind him and walked out of the gift shop. “How’re those nails tasting, buddy?” Dan said as he sat down next to Stan. “Dan, I need some advice. You’ve had to let go of friends before, right?” Stan asked. “Oh yeah, Pepper Cambridge, Alvin Gohart, Sammy Hodges…” Dan listed out names on his fingers. “I dunno what’s wrong with me. I thought everything was back to normal but I still feel all gross,” Dan kept talking, “Roger Evergreen, Charlie Smith, and that’s not even half of middle school…” “Maybe letting Ford do it for me was a mistake, Bud deserves an honest goodbye,” “Marcus Webber, Jason Addams… Oh man, I’m not sure I actually ever cut him off. No wonder he keeps calling me,” “I know what I gotta do. Thanks for talking to me, Dan,” Stan ran off and got on his bike as Dan scratched his chin trying to remember all the kids he’s cut off. Dan’s phone rang and he checked the caller ID before promptly hanging up, “Ignore,”

Ford ran around the warehouse, trying to escape the constant barrage of toys and trinkets that were thrown at him. Bud laughed at him scrambling around and knocked a shelf on top of him. Ford rolled out of the way and slammed into a wall. “Grauntie May was right about you, you Gleefuls are monsters!” Ford shouted at him. “Your aunt doesn’t know a thing about me,” Ford looked around himself, spotting a baseball bat in its casing. He ripped it out of the box and charged at Bud, yelling a war cry as he did. Bud held his bolo tie and lifted him off the ground, making Ford drop the bat. “Why are you doing this? What do you have to gain from forcing Stan to be your friend?” Ford yelled as he felt himself leave the ground “If I get close enough to Stan, I could get your aunt and my dad back together, and then he’ll be so happy with me I won’t have to deal with his yellin’ or naggin’ ever again!”  “Seriously!? You just want Grauntie May to take your dad back? She’s never gonna date him, man, she hates him!”  “You don’t understand!” Bud lifted a pair of sheep shears with his magic, “But I’ll make sure you do, friend,” He pointed the shears at Ford, intending to stab him with them. Stan had gotten to the warehouse by then and peered through the window, gasping at what he saw. He quickly rushed to the front and opened the doors. “Bud! What the heck are you doing?” Stan yelled. “S— Stan? What are you doin’ here?” Bud started to sweat nervously. He dropped the shears but still kept Ford in the air. “Stanley! He’s been using you to get Grauntie May and his weird dad back together!” Ford shouted. “What!? Are you kidding me? This whole time I’ve been feeling bad not dropping you myself, and you’ve been using me this entire time?” Stan stormed up to Bud, “Did you even consider me a friend?”  Bud tightened his grip on his bolo tie, choking Ford, “Stanley! Now probably isn’t the best time—” Ford said as he clawed at his neck. Bud started to talk, “Well— Of course! I think you’re great, I just—”  Stan cut him off, “You used me just to make your stupid dad happy, what is wrong with you?” He ripped the tie off of Bud and Ford fell to the ground, “You’re a total jerk, and you attacked my brother!” “My tie, give it back!” Bud said as Stan threw it to his brother. Ford caught it, “Aha! Not so powerful without this, eh—” Ford was interrupted by Bud running at him and shoving him through the window, causing Ford to drop the bolo tie and for both of them to fall off the cliffside. “Sixer!” Stan yelled as he watched them fall. Bud and Ford slapped and hit each other as they fell before realizing how close to the ground they were and screaming.  Just before they hit the ground, they were suspended in the air. They looked up and saw it was Stan holding the bolo tie, floating down to the ground as he held them. He got up close to Bud and spoke, “Listen Bud, you are a terrible friend and I will never, ever, hang out with you again,” “Yeah!” Ford said. Stan dropped both of them before throwing the bolo tie on the ground and smashing it on a nearby rock. As the amulet broke, green spirits flew out and the remaining shards disappeared. “My dad’s amulet!” Bud said frantically before getting up and walking back slowly, “This— This ain’t over!” He said, trying to hide his fear, “This isn’t the last you’ll see of li’l ol’ me!” The boys watched him disappear into the woods before turning to each other, Stan twirling his finger next to his head and saying, “Cuc-koo!”

When they got back to the shack, the two boys collapsed on the couch, completely exhausted from the events of the day.  May walked in and noticed, “What happened to you two?” Stan sighed, “Bud,” “Bud. He swore vengeance on us or whatever,” Ford said. “Bud. What’s he gonna do? Nibble our ankles or something?” “Oh yeah. Yeah, how’s he gonna destroy us now, huh? Try to guess what number we’re thinking of?” “He’ll never guess what number I’m thinking of. Negative eight! No one would guess a negative number,” Stan said. May leaned on the kids and she and the kids laughed, “Ooh, look out! I bet he’s planning our destruction right now,” She laid back on the boys as they all laughed and poked fun at Bud.

Gideon completely tore up his home, the couch cushions were lifted, the tables were turned up, the cabinets all opened. When Bud walked into his home his father immediately started yelling at him. “Boy, where have you been? Forget that, I don’t care, did you take my lucky bolo tie or my journal? You better not have, young man, or you’re grounded until the sun blows up!”  “No father, I don’t know where either of them are. Maybe Ms. Pines took them when she visited you?” Bud said calmly. “That damn woman…” Gideon seethed, “Go to your room, Buddy. Now!” He pointed up the stairs and Bud immediately ran up there and dashed into his room, closing the door slowly. If he slammed it, who knows how mad his dad would get? Bud looked over the model of Gravity Falls he had built and picked up the model of Stan and his father. In a forced gravelly voice, he spoke as Stan, “Bud, you’re my best pal, of course I forgive you,”  Then, in a deep but still southern voice he spoke as Gideon, “Son, I’m so proud of you. You’re a good kid,”  Bud picked up the little wooden model of Ford, “What’re you gonna do without your precious amulet?”  “You’ll see, you’ll see,” Bud said in his regular voice as he closed a book on his desk. The cover looked exactly like Ford’s journal with a two on the cover instead of a three. Bud paused for a moment before looking at his model. “Good lord, I’m goin’ bananas. Oh well, whatever it takes,”

———————

Ria was baking cookies with Stan, she was mixing cookie batter while he was eating a few cookies that were already done.  Ria noticed that the batch in the oven was smoking and turned to face Stan. “Stanley, what temperature did you put the oven at?” “Uh, 530 degrees, like you said,”  “Chiquito, I said 350 degrees,” The smoke reached the smoke detector and started beeping, while the sprinklers turned on and sprayed water everywhere. “Oops,”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Waddles sat outside, munching on food that May had given him. His pen was, of course, covered in stickers and had a cute little sign with the words ‘Waddles’ World’ painted on it.

Inside the shack, Dan and Ford read their respective pieces of literature while Stan spun around on the globe in the gift shop. “Stanley, do you believe in ghosts?” Ford looked up from the journal to ask his brother. “I believe you’re a big dork,” Stan laughed before Ford stuck his pencil on the globe, stopping it and knocking Stan off, “Woah!” May walked in through the front door, “Ria, Dan,” Ria sprinted up to the door as Dan looked up from his Buff Guy Weekly magazine, “Yes, Ms. Pines?” Ria said, catching her breath. “I need to get more piggy food for Waddles. You two are gonna wash the bathrooms, right?” “Yes ma’am,” Ria saluted. “Absolutely not,” Dan said, also saluting. “Haha, you guys stay out of trouble, okay?” May said as she walked out and closed the door behind her. Once May was gone, Dan turned around and started walking to a curtain, “Hey guys, what’s this?” Dan pulled back the curtain, “A secret ladder to the roof?” “Dan, that doesn’t seem safe, does May know about this?” Ria said. “Uhh?” Dan waved his hand at her. “Uh?”  
“Uhhh?” 
 “Daniel, you’re confusing me,” “Can we actually go up there?” Ford asked while his brother smiled ear-to-ear. “Of course we can, roof time! Roof time!” Dan said as he started to climb up the ladder. “Roof time! Roof time!” The twins chanted as they followed behind him. Ria tried to watch for them through the window as the three of them climbed onto the roof. Dan led them to the other side and showed them the hangout area he had made up there. “Alright, check it out,” He said as the two brothers exclaimed in excitement. The three of them slid down the roof to the area, which had a beach chair, cooler, umbrella, and a bucket.  “Did you put all this stuff up here?” Ford asked as Stan opened up the cooler. “I may or may not sneak up here during work, all the time, everyday,” Dan said as he grabbed a pinecone from the bucket and threw it at a target on the totem pole parallel to the shack, “Yes!” He shouted. “Oh, cool! Me first,” Stan said as he and Ford scrambled to grab the pinecones and threw them at the totem pole. Ford threw another which missed and hit a car down below. He sucked in a breath through his teeth and blushed in embarrassment. “Jackpot! Fist bump, dude,” Dan said, holding his fist up to Ford. Ford stared at Dan, who he was now realizing was very handsome. He was pretty muscular for his age, and had green eyes. Really pretty green eyes. He had hair everywhere and it was all a bright shade of red, and the hair on his head was long enough that it swayed in the breeze but short enough that it didn't reach his shoulders. Dan was so handsome and strong that Ford didn’t know if he wanted to be him or date him. “C’mon dork, don’t leave me hangin,’” Dan said, snapping Ford out of it. Ford fist-bumped him, smiling wide and dopey.  Dan noticed a blue van drive up, “Oh hey, it’s my friends,”  The van stopped in the parking lot and a hand shot out and waved to him, “Dan!” The guy waving his hand shouted. Dan turned around to the twins, “Uh, you guys aren’t gonna tell May about this, are you?” Ford zipped his lips shut and pretended to throw the key away. Dan mimicked the action before jumping onto a pine tree and riding it down as it bent to the ground, “Later, nerds!” Dan jumped into the van and Ford watched as they drove away, some of the kids in the car whooping. “Later, Dan!” Ford said before laughing awkwardly. “Uh oh,” Stan said with a mischievous look. “What— What are you implying?” “Read my mind, Sixer,” “Oh come on, I don’t like Dan, I just think he’s cool, okay?” “Never said anything about liking him,” “Well— Well good, because it’s not like I lay awake at night thinking about him,”

Late that night, around midnight, Ford lay awake thinking about Dan. “Uh oh,”

“Random dance party for no reason!” Stan yelled as he turned on a boombox. He and Dan started to dance while Ford watched and wrote ‘I am pretending to write something down’ on a clipboard. He nodded at his writing, trying to seem nonchalant. “Ford!” Dan said. “What? Yes, yes?” Ford said, fumbling the clipboard in his hands. “Aren’t you gonna get in on this?” Dan snapped his fingers with the music. “I, uh, don’t really dance,” Ford said, embarrassed while Stan climbed behind the counter. “Yeah you do! Ma used to dress him up in a lamb costume and make him do,” Stan whispered, “The lamby dance,” “Now is not the time to talk about the lamby dance,” Ford said quickly, trying to direct the conversation away from the subject. “Lamb costume? Was there like, little ears and a tail or…” Dan said. “Well, uh,” Stan pulled out a picture of Ford in a fluffy lamb costume and showed Dan, “Sixer would prance around and sing a song about grazing,” Stan laughed as Ford zipped his lips. The cuckoo clock rang behind them, and Dan looked at the time and smiled, “Hey, look at that, quittin’ time,” He took his nametag off and started to walk towards the door, “The gang’s waitin’ for me,” “Hey, wait,” Ford followed him, “Maybe I could— Or, we could come with you,”  “Ooh, I dunno. My friends are pretty intense. How old did you guys say you were?” “We’re thirteen! So, technically a teen,” Ford blurted out before Stan could say anything. “Alright, I like your moxie, kid. Lemme get my stuff,” Dan said before turning and walking out of the gift shop. Once he was gone, Stan said to Ford, “Nice, baby’s first time lying about our age! Pretty soon we’ll be faking IDs to get into bars,” “Yeah, well, this could be our chance to hang out with, you know, the cool kids,” He paused for a moment, looking away bashfully, “And Dan or whatever,” “Ha! Called it, you love him!” Stan said, hopping over the counter and playfully punching his brother. “Oh hey, what’s that?” Ford said as he pointed behind Stan.  “Huh?” When Stan turned around, Ford slapped him in the back of the head, “Ow!” Stan said as he rubbed his head.

Outside, two teenagers held up a skinny kid as a ginger girl with a hoodie on threw jelly beans at him, “Hurry up!” The skinny kid said. “In the belly! In the belly!” The two kids holding him up said, one with a southern accent and the other with a deeper voice. The ginger girl kept throwing jelly beans while a boy with glasses and a girl with her hair tied up on her side talked and texted with each other. The ginger lined up her shot again, but before she could throw it, a red jelly bean was already thrown into the skinny kid’s belly button. The ginger looked behind her to see who had thrown it, and was met with Dan and the twins. “Dan!” All the kids said. “Hey, man!” The teen with the southern accent said as he and the other kid dropped the skinny one. “Hey guys. These are my pals from work, Stan and Ford,” “I chewed my gum so it looks like a brain!” Stan said as he stuck his tongue out. “He’s not much for first impressions, unlike this guy!” Ford said as he pointed his thumbs at himself. None of the teens reacted, “This guy…” “Aw, are you babysitting?” The ginger said as she leaned on the van. “Come on, Janice. Guys, this is Daryl and Edwin,” Dan gestured to the teens with the southern accent and the deep accent, who were holding hands as they waved at the twins. “Seandra and Greg,” Seandra didn’t look up from her phone as she waved at them, while Greg smiled at them. “Toby, who once ate a run-over waffle for fifty cents, “Don’t tell them that!” Toby said in a nasally voice. He looked like the stereotypical nerd, and… abnormal. Ford would have to study and question him later. “And Janice. You can probably figure her out,” Janice smiled unnaturally wide at the twins, creeping them out, “I was the one who spray-painted the water tower,” “Oh, you mean the big muffin?” Ford said. “It’s an explosion,” She said, still keeping that smile but furrowing her brows. The teens looked at the water tower. “Ha, sure does look like a muffin,” Daryl said as he and Edwin laughed and pointed at it. Janice turned to Ford slowly, eye twitching as she looked at him, her smile growing wide and creepy. That was sure to give Ford a few nightmares. Ford smiled nervously back at her. “Let’s hurry it up, guys. I got big plans for tonight,” Dan said as he ushered everyone into the van. All the teens piled into the van, with Toby in the driver’s seat, Daryl, Edwin, Dan, and Greg in the middle seats, and Stan and Seandra in the far back. Ford tried to open the front passenger seat but was stopped by Janice, who spoke to him in a fake-nice voice, “Sorry kid, I ride shotgun, alright?” Toby turned the keyfob and started the car before turning around in his seat and talking to the others in his car, “Before we go, my mom said you guys aren’t allowed to punch the roof anymore, so…” The teens started punching the roof and chanting, “Toby! Toby! Toby!” Toby just sighed and started to drive the car away from the Mystery Shack. As they drove away, rock music played in the car. Ford chewed on a marker and Stan grabbed it out of his hand. He drew the words ‘YOU STINK!’ on the car door, giggling. “This is gonna blow someone’s mind,”  Ford elbowed Stan, “Stanley, please,” “What? Am I embarrassing you in front of your new,” Stan shouted to the front of the car, “Boyfriend!”   Ford slapped his hand on Stan’s face before pulling away, “Ew, did you just lick my hand?”

Back at the Shack, May sat on the yellow chair knitting a sweater while Waddles sat at her feet.   “You’re watching the black and white period piece old lady boring movie channel,” A man on the TV said. “This one’s gonna be good,” May said as she leaned towards the TV. 
“Stay tuned for the Friday night movie, The Duchess Approves, starring Sturly Stembleburgiss as ‘The Duchess’ and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as ‘Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire,’”
 “Ooh, he’s hot!”

“There she is, fellas. The abandoned Dusk2Dawn,” Dan said as he and the other kids pressed their faces to the chain link fence surrounding the convenience store. “Sick!” Stan said. “Why did they shut it down? Was it a health code violation or…” Ford said. “Try murder, some folks died in there,” Edwin said, peering through the fence. “The place has been haunted since,” Greg said excitedly. “This town is so cool,” Stan said. “What, are you guys serious?” Ford said, nervously chewing on his lip. “Yeah, we’re all gonna die!” Dan said, feigning terror, “Chill out, man. It’s not as bad as it looks,” Ford looked up and saw a sign saying ‘NO TRESPASSING; VIOLATORS WILL BE DEAD!’  The rest of the teens found a spot in the fence that didn’t have barbed wire and climbed over it. Ford was still hanging on the top for dear life as he considered how he would do this. “Come on, Ford!” Dan shouted. “Haha, okay, okay, just— just, uh, gotta get a foothold,” Ford said nervously. “Kid, your brother did it just fine,” Janice said. Stan rolled around in the dirt, laughing. “Hey, y’know what, just…” Edwin climbed back up the fence and grabbed ford before dropping him on the other side, “There ya’ go,” Ford landed on his behind. “Ha, sorry fella,” Edwin laughed as he hopped down the fence. “Good job throwin’ the kid off the fence, genius,” Daryl said. “Oh, hush,” They all walked up to the front of the store and Janice tried to pull open the doors. Dan looked inside through the window, “Oh man, this place is amazing,” Janice struggled with the door, tugging on the handles, “Ugh, I think it’s stuck,” “Lemme take a crack at it,” Ford said, adjusting his glasses. “It’s sweet that you wanna help, kid, but I don’t think you can open this,” “Don’t be a dick, Janice. He’s just a little kid,” Dan said with a sympathetic look on his face. Ford frowned before pulling up his sleeves and walking around to the side of the building. He climbed onto the dumpster before pulling himself onto the roof. “Woah, kid, what are you doing?” Seandra shouted. Ford found a vent on the top of the roof and pulled on it a few times before slamming his shoulder into it, breaking it open and climbing inside. “Go Sixer! Punch that metal thing!” Stan yelled at him. “Hey, Ford, take it easy,” Dan said. “Who wants to bet he doesn’t make it?” Janice said, giggling. Ford opened the door from inside and held it open for everyone with a huge smile on his face. The kids cheered as they walked in and Janice’s smile faltered a bit. “Good call inviting this li’l maniac,” Daryl said as he walked in with everyone else following him. “Nice one, city boy!” Edwin said as he shot Ford fingerguns. Stan highsixed him on the way in while Janice just rolled her eyes.  “Nice work,” Dan said, ruffling his hair. Ford smiled as he ran into the store, closing the door behind him. “Do you guys think it’s really haunted?” Toby asked. “Hell nah, Toby, are you kiddin’ me?” Edwin said. “Come on, shut up man,” Said Daryl. While they weren’t paying attention, the open sign turned around to say ‘Get Lost! We’re Closed.’  The teens gawked at the store, it was like a time capsule from the 90s. There were all sorts of old snacks and candy with spider webs and dust all over them. “Oh man, it’s even creepier than I imagined,” Dan said as he, Ford, and Janice walked through an aisle. Stan snagged the coins from a take-a-penny bowl and stuffed them in his pocket, “Sweet, free change,” Ford picked up a newspaper and wiped the dust off, reading the headline which read ‘Cheese Crust Pizza Declared “Delicious.”’  “Hey Ed, where do ya’ think they keep the dead bodies?” Daryl asked Edwin, holding his hand. “Oh, shut it,” Edwin shoved him and laughed. “Hey guys, check it out!” Dan pointed at a few lightswitches, “You think these still work?” He flipped each switch up and the lights and electronics in the store started to flicker on. The kids all exclaimed and chuckled with amazement.  “Jackpot,” Stan said. “So, what are we gonna do now?” Ford asked Dan. “Anything we want,”  The twins turned to each other and smiled. Each of the kids grabbed snacks off the shelves and stuffed what they didn’t immediately eat into their pockets. They found water balloons and filled them with soda, slushies, and condiments and used them as projectiles in a messy food-balloon fight. Ford got hit in the face once or twice with slushie balloons and when he wiped it off his face, he just licked his hand.  Edwin and Daryl found bags of kitty litter piled up and started to smack each other with them like pillows. At one point, Stan found a giant bottle of soda and set it up in the middle of the store while another kid dropped 3 mints into it, making a giant soda fountain.  Stan ran around a shelf before skidding to a halt. In front of him was a stand full of candy, in all its sugary glory. “Holy Mackerel, Smile Dip!” He said, grabbing a packet off the stand, “I thought this stuff was banned in America!” “Maybe they had a good reason…” Ford said before getting hit in the face with a mustard balloon. Stan ripped open the package and dunked the candy stick in it. He paused for a moment before pouring the whole packet of sugar in his mouth. “Hey Toby, c’mere!” Daryl yelled from the other side of the store. Toby immediately ran over to him, “Whatever is it, I’ll do it!” Dan and Ford sat on top of a shelf eating ice cream and watching the chaos below. “Toby!” Dan cheered on, “Ford, this night is legendary,” “Really?” Ford said. “Yeah, me and my friends don’t usually do cool stuff like this. We’re actually just a bunch of losers,” Dan said chuckling. “Are you kidding? But you guys seem so cool,” “That’s sweet, man, but let’s face the facts. Edwin and Daryl are the dorky gay JROTC kids, Toby is Toby,” Dan pointed to the three boys, who were currently stuffing ice in Toby’s pants. “Greg and Janice are too cheery for the goths,” Greg and Janice were standing next to Daryl and Edwin, cheering them on, “Go! Go! Go! Go!” “Seandra is too gothy for the cheerleaders,” Seandra sat next to a cooler typing on her phone, occasionally looking up at the other kids goofing off. “And look at me, I have so much hair I look 20 in high school,” Dan said, chuckling as he pulled his shirt collar down to show Ford his chest hair. He and Ford laughed, “I’m glad you got us in here. If not, we might have never had all this fun, so thanks man,” “Wow, haha, you’re welcome,” Ford said, scratching the back of his head and smiling shyly. Dan looked to his right, “Hey, is your brother gonna be alright?” He said as he pointed his thumb behind him at Stanley. Stan groaned as his stomach bubbled, clearly disagreeing with his choices.

“Ugh… maybe I’ve had too much. What do you think, Footbot?” Stan said, talking to his right.  “I LOVE YOU, DADDY!” Stan hallucinated him being in a football field with a robot he had built.  “Stan, you must punt this ball to win the game and save the school from the evil contractor!” A football player in a bright costume said as he handed Stan a football. “I don’t think that’s how football works, but okay,” Stan said as he grabbed the imaginary football and kicked it.

Ford watched as his brother kicked at nothing and mumbled something about a robot, “He’ll be fine,” “Y’know Ford, I wasn’t sure if you could hang out with us at first, but you’re surprisingly mature for your age,” Dan said. “Yes, yes I am,” Ford said as he tried to eat more of his ice cream without looking, but hit himself in the face with it instead. “Hey fellas, we need more ice,” Edwin said as Daryl held an empty bag. “I’m on it!” Ford said as he hopped off the shelf and walked to the freezer. When he opened the freezer door, he grabbed another bag. Ford was just about to turn around when he noticed something just above him. He looked up and found a brain, eyeballs, nerves, and a mouth looking down on him, the eyeballs stretching out to peer at him. Ford screamed and threw the bag of ice behind him before shutting the door closed. He caught his breath before carefully opening the door back up again… but the brain wasn’t there. Ford stared in astonishment at the empty freezer and scratched his head in confusion. “What was that?” Daryl said as he and the other kids walked up to him, “Thought I heard some lady screaming back here,” “You freakin’ out, kid?” Edwin said. “Eh… no, I’m cool, everything’s cool,” Ford said, sweating. “Then what’s all this about?” Janice said, pointing to the bag of ice Ford had dropped. “Oh that’s, uh,” Ford looked around for an excuse before his eyes landed on a brightly colored game, “Hey, look! Dancey Pants Revolution, the game that tricks people into exercising!”  The kids all ran over there excitedly and Ford glanced behind himself at the freezer before following them. Toby danced on the machine as Edwin and Daryl cheered him on. Dan, Janice, Greg, and Seandra watched him. “Wow, he’s really terrible at this,” Dan said, elbowing Ford. Ford laughed nervously before spotting something in the reflection of the store windows. His eyes widened as he saw skeletal apparitions of him and the kids. Ford frantically rubbed his eyes, and when he opened them the skeletons were gone. “I’ll be right back,” Ford said before running over to the nearest phone. He picked it up and quickly dialed Grauntie May’s phone number, but it kept ringing “Come on, come on, Grauntie May. Ugh, what is she doing?”

Meanwhile, May sat on the couch eating ice cream and watching TV.   “I don’t care about dukes or commoners or his royal highness Lionel of Cornwall,” A woman on screen said, “I’m not afraid anymore, mother!”   “Duchess, I forbid you,” Another woman said.  “I may be a duchess, but I’m also a woman!” The woman proclaimed, throwing her hat off. “Yes, yes! In your face, Elizabeth!” May said laughing.

Ford left the phone to talk to Stan, who was turned towards the Smile Dip stand. “Stanley, I need your advice,” Ford said, pacing back and forth, “We’re hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can’t get a hold of Grauntie May, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys they’ll just think I’m a scared, little kid, or something,” Stan groaned behind him. “Stan?”

While Ford ranted to him, Stan was hallucinating an entire football team lifting him up and chanting his name. 
“Stanley! Stanley! Stanley!”
  “Here’s your trophy, Stanley!” A woman in a short purple dress said. “Thanks, beautiful woman!” Stan said as he bounced in the players’ arms.

“Stanley! How many of these did you eat?” Ford said, shaking Stan by the shoulders.  “Bleventeen…” Stan groaned. “Oh man, oh man oh man oh man,” Ford said, dropping Stan and stimming. Janice scratched out a lottery ticket by the counter, humming the lyrics to a song. She accidentally dropped the quarter she was using and bent down to pick it up, noticing the body outlines on the ground. “Woah, guys, you might wanna see this,” Janice said to the others with a way too excited smile. Ford and the rest of the teens crowded around her and oohed at the markings. Greg took several pictures of the crime scene and giggled. “Woah, the rumors are true,” Daryl said. “Dare you to lie down in it,” Janice said. “Good idea,” Daryl elbowed Edwin, “Go lie down in it,” Edwin laughed, “Ooh, look at me! I’m a dead body!” Edwin was about to step on one of the lines before Ford stopped him. “Wait! Maybe let’s not do that,” “Aw, are you scared?” Daryl said. “All I’m saying is, why tempt the fates? I mean, what if this place really is…” Ford braced himself for humiliation, “Haunted?” The kids booed him. “Chill out, man,” Janice said. “Yeah, city boy. You’re really bringin’ down the vibe,” Edwin said. “Yeah, right guys?” Janice said, turning to the other teens. They all nodded, and Dan looked away, “Yeah, a little bit,” Ford sighed and Seandra tapped on her phone. “Status update: Trapped in store with insane nine year old,” “I’m not a nine year old!” Ford said, backing up and lying down in the body markings, “I’m thirteen, technically a teen!” The kids watched as the markings started to glow green and most of the lights in the store went out. Seandra looked up from her phone for only a moment before she disappeared into thin air. The teens gasped in horror as her phone dropped on the ground. Ford picked it up and read the screen. 
“‘Status update: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!’”
 Above them, the surveillance TV turned on and showed a video of Seandra stuck alone in the store, screaming for help. Everyone screamed as Seandra banged on the glass of the TV. “Seandra, seandra!” Dan yelled. “Can you hear us?” Ford yelled. Seandra looked through the glass fearfully, unable to see or hear them. “What are we s’posed to do?” Edwin said, hugging Daryl.  “I don’t know man, I don’t know!” Daryl said, squeezing him back. “Let’s just go already!” Janice said. “Toby!” Dan yelled, trying to save the dancing kid. “Wait, I’ve almost got the highscore!” Toby said, dancing feverishly before disappearing too. The teens watched in horror as Toby was transported into the game.  “Huh? What?” He said from inside the screen as arrows fell from the sky.  “Time to shake what your mama gave you!” The machine said as it attacked Toby, making him cry out in pain, “You’re a dance machine!”  “No, you’re a dance machine!” Tony said, crying. “Forget him, let’s go!” Janice shouted, pointing at the door. The doors shut and Dan tried to force it open, “Wh— Guys, it’s locked!”  “Out of my way!” Janice grabbed a cash register and threw it at the door, but instead of shattering it absorbed the register, letting out a burst of green lights. The teens all screamed as Ford pulled the journal out, searching for a page about ghosts.  “Everybody wait, whatever is doing this has to have some kind of reason, maybe if we could just figure out what it is, then they’ll let us out of here!” “Oh, they’ll let us out of here! Yeah, that makes a lot of sense,” Janice said, mocking Ford. “I dunno guys, maybe he’s got a point,” Dan said. “Yeah right,” Daryl said, seperating from Edwin, “I’m sure the ghost just wants to talk about his feelings,” Those were the last words Daryl got in before being lifted into the air and disappearing. The teens heard him scream and looked to see him trapped on a cereal box with a large, colorful toucan. “I’m bonkers for eating you alive!” The toucan said as it stabbed Daryl with a spoon. The other kids watched in horror as they heard his screams. “Daryl, my love!” Edwin screamed in terror, “Okay, okay… I’m with ya’ kid, one hundred percent!” “Wait, where’s Greg?” Janice said, looking around frantically. Far from the other teens, Greg was stuffing old junk in his pockets. “Greg, what the hell are you doing?” Dan yelled at him. “Hold on, I just wanna grab this stuff before we have to leave,” He said, holding up a vintage quarter. He, too, disappeared. The kids looked around until they saw Greg in one of the freezers, banging on the glass. He breathed out a warm breath of air and spelled out HELP. The kids screamed again. Behind them Stanley, possessed and floating in the air, spoke in a booming voice that was certainly not his.  “Welcome…” The voice said, causing the kids to turn to Stanley and scream again. “They got Stanley!” Ford shouted.  “Welcome to your graves, young trespassers,” The possessed Stanley laughed wildly and kicked his legs. “We’re super sorry for hanging out in your store!” Janice said, Dan nodding. “Yeah, can we just go home now and leave forever?” Ford said, terrified. The ghost paused, “Well, okay, you’re free to go,”  The door opened. 
“But before you leave, hotdogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs!” 
 Janice and Edwin looked at each other in horror before screaming and running for the door.  “Just kidding about the hotdog sale!” The ghost said angrily. “Just let us outta here already!” Edwin said, Janice holding him back from attacking the ghost.  “I don’t like your tone!” The ghost said, its eyes glowing, making Edwin float into the air and disappear like the others. When he opened his eyes, Edwin realized in horror, “No, I’m a hotdog!” He screamed as he rotated in the cooker.  “It begins,” The ghost said ominously as it lifted everything off the ground and flipped the gravity.  Ford watched as the ground below him got smaller before thudding on the ceiling. Seandra’s TV almost fell on him, but he dodged. Dan got hit in the head with a bag of chips and they both frantically looked for a hiding place. 
“Welcome to your home for all eternity!” 
 “Ford, what do we do?” Dan said as the slushie machine floated towards him from behind. “Duck!” Ford said, pulling Dan down. “Quick, in there!” Dan yelled as he pointed at an open soda machine. They both scrambled in there, shutting the cabinet behind them. They both caught their breath and tried to calm down. “What the hell do they want from us?” Dan said, wiping the sweat off his face. “Revenge?” Ford said. “What did we do wrong?”  “Okay, let’s try to figure out the pattern here. Why was each person taken? Seandra was texting, Toby was playing a video game, Daryl was being sarcastic, and Greg was shoplifting, it doesn’t make any sense!” Ford said, putting his head down. “Yeah, those are all just normal teenager things!” “Dan, say that last part again,” “Normal teenager things?” “Of course! Stay here until I get back,” Ford said before opening the cabinet and running out of it. “Dude, what are you doing?” Dan yelled at him. Ford crawled on the ceiling towards Stanley’s body. When he got close enough, he stood up. “Hey ghost!” The ghost turned Stan’s head all the way around first before turning his body. The ghost lifted Ford up. “I’ve got something to tell you,” Ford yelled as he floated higher, “I’m not a teenager!” Stanley’s eyes went back to normal, and everything stopped glowing. Ford fell to the floor, but Stan still stayed in the air with his arms up. Two elderly ghosts appeared, one of them holding Stan up by the arms, “Hoho, well why didn’t you say so?”  The ghost, the husband likely, dropped Stan in a pile of snack wrappers and Stan held his head, groaning “How old didya’ say you were?” The ghost said. “Um,” Ford looked at Dan, “I’m twelve. Technically not a teen,” “When we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store!” The wife said. “Always sassafrasin’ customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants,”

Way back in the 90s, the elderly store owners put a sign in their store window.
 “So we decided to up and ban them, but they retaliated with their new-fangled ‘rap music,’” “The lyrics, they were so… hateful!” The other ghost said. 
“Homework’s wack and so are rules, tuckin’ in your shirts for fools!” The song on the teens’ boom box rapped as the three teens breakdanced.
 
The store owner screamed.
 “It was so shocking we were stricken down with double heart attacks!” 
Both store owners grabbed their chests and fainted, instantly dying.
 “That’s why we hate teenagers so much. Don’t we, honey?” The ghost wife said, nuzzling her and her husband’s noses together. “But they’re my friends, isn’t there anything I can do to help them?” Ford said. “There is one thing… Do you know any funny little dances?” The ghost husband said. “Uhh… Is there anything else I can do?”   “Noo!” The ghost husband roared. “Okay, okay, okay! Um, well, I do know…” Ford sighed, “The Lamby Lamby Dance. But uh, I can’t really do it without a lamb costume!”  The ghost snapped his fingers and Ford was in his old lamb costume, complete with the bow and everything. “Oh. Well, there it is,” Ford said, taking a deep breath before singing, “Well! Who wants a lamby, lamby, lamby? I do! I do! So go up and greet your mammy, mammy, mammy, hi there! Hi there!”  Dan smiled, trying to keep himself from laughing. 
“So march, march, march around the daisies,”
 “Yes, yes!” The ghost said. 
“Don’t, don’t, don’t you forget about the baby~!”
 Ford twisted his finger on his cheek and winked, sweating from both exhaustion and embarrassment. “That was some fine, girly dancin’, boy. Your friends are free,” The ghost said as he opened the doors. “Well, I don’t think you have to worry about us coming back,” Ford said as he watched the ghosts disappear. With the ghosts gone, everything went back to normal, including gravity. Ford and the rest of the teens fell, each one climbing out of their respective holding places. Ford walked over to Stan, who was sitting hunched over and clutching his stomach. “Ugh, I’m never gonna eat or do anything ever again,” “Hey, there’s still some left!” Ford said, picking up a packet of Smile Dip. “Evil!” Stan yelped, smacking it out of his brother’s hand. The teens all gathered round, holding their heads and nursing their injuries. “What… What happened after everything went crazy?” Daryl said, holding Edwin as he laid in his lap. “You are not going to believe it, the ghosts appeared and Ford had to—!” Dan said, cutting himself off when he saw how embarrassed Ford was, “Uh, and uh, Ford just grabbed a bat and started beating the ghosts down left and right,” Daryl and Edwin smiled and Janice, Greg, and Seandra stood there baffled. “And then, the ghosts got all scared and ran away like a couple of little girls. It was insane!” Dan said, crossing his arms. “No way!” Toby said as a few other kids laughed. Dan turned around towards Ford and zipped his lips, throwing away the key. Ford did the same and they smiled.

Everyone managed to calm down enough that they all fell asleep once they piled in the car, Daryl and Edwin leaning on each other while Janice laid her head on the side of the window. Dan and Ford stood outside the van, still chatting. “Well, I’m probably scarred for life,” Dan said like it was nothing. “Yeah, that was pretty crazy,” Ford said. “Think I’m gonna go stare at a wall for a while and rethink everything,” Dan said, his voice turning serious at the last words, “Hey, next time we hang out, let’s stay at the Mystery Shack, okay?” Ford laughed unnaturally, hiding his excitement, “Next time? Yeah! Yeah, let’s hang out at the shack. Haha, yeah…” Ford said, walking away and getting into the back of the van, “Next time…” Ford smiled and looked at the store one last time before shutting the van door closed and sitting next to Stan. As the van sped off, Stan clutched his stomach. His car sickness was certainly not making things easier. He looked to his right and saw the message he wrote earlier that day. “What kind of sick joke is this?”

———————

May watched the TV as a wedding organ played from it. “Ah, the wedding. I’ve waited so long for this, oh, look at her in that dress!” Suddenly, the sound of a door opening came from the TV. “Count Lionel? What’s he doing here?” 
“I’ve come to reclaim my bride!”
 “You had your chance at the cotillion, you!” 
“You had your chance at the cotillion, you!”
 “That’s what I’m saying!” May screamed in frustration. Stan and Ford stood outside, about to walk back in when the TV suddenly crashed through the window. Grauntie May popped her head out of the window and looked at them. “Um, I got a bit upset,”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

May sat at the cashier, watching Kari Cutebiker wander around the store. “I like to get my Christmas shopping done early, do you have anything that’s in the spirit of the season?” Kari asked. “I have these crystals,” May said, holding up a box full of glass shards. “Haha, looks like broken glass,” “What are you, a cop?” Kari turned to the other side of the gift shop, “Oh, what is that new thing?” She said before dashing over to check it out. The door opened, and Stanford and Stanley walked in. “Grauntie May?” Stan said. “Can we go to the diner? We’re hungry!” Ford finished Stan’s sentence and held his stomach. “Hungry!” Stan said, also holding his stomach. The two boys groaned and bumped into each other’s stomachs, smiling and giggling. “Sure, as soon as this nice lady makes up her mind,” May said, pointing at Kari. Standing next to a ‘fur trout’ that May made, Kari saidx, “Do you have this in another animal?”  “I’m fine with locking her inside if you are,” May said to Stan and Ford. The twins nodded and they all quietly snuck out of the gift shop. May locked the door by putting a plank on the door handle and she and the kids ran to May’s car. Still inside the gift shop, Kari held up two shirts comparing them. “Puma shirt, panther shirt, puma shirt, panther shirt, puma shirt… Panther shirt,”

May drove the boys to Greasy’s Diner, a place so shoddy that a woodpecker was pecking at the wall, getting sawdust on a man’s pizza.  ‘Growling’ Grenda swung a broom at it, shoo’ing it off before hitting a beaver with said broom.  As the Pines family walked in, they saw multiple people sitting at the bar. Old Lady Chiu was vibrating and shaking as she drank multiple cups of coffee, Dan was sitting with his mom, ripping into a turkey leg while his mom ate her own food. Sheriff Rianda ate a stack of pancakes quickly while Deputy Menville Measured his speed with a radar gun. “Go! Go! Go!” Menville said, watching the speed rise. The family sat down, and May picked up a menu while Stan licked a spoon and stuck it to his nose. Growling Grenda walked up to them with a notepad and pencil. “Grenda! Hey girlfriend, where were you yesterday?” May said. “I got hit by a bus!” Grenda said loudly. May laughed, then looked behind her and spotted the chef in the kitchen. The man had blonde hair with a streak of gray and was flipping burgers when his eyes caught on May’s. He smiled at her before going back to his work. “Woah, who is that?” May asked Grenda. “Oh, him? That’s Gabriel. He just got a job here,” “Wow…” May said, staring at Gabriel before shaking her head and turning back to Growling Grenda, “Can you do a split plate for us?” “Sure,” “Great! We’ll all split a one fourth of the number seven, plus a free salad dressing for this kid,” May said, pointing at Stan, “And a small plate of ketchup for the other,” Growling Grenda wrote down their order before walking away. “But Grauntie May, I want pancakes,” Stan said, tugging May’s sleeve. “Aw, I would get you some, peanut, but with the fancy flour they use these days? What am I, made of money?” May said, throwing her hands in the air. A dollar bill flew out of her sleeve and she tapped it back in, “Haha, looks like I am. But seriously, no pancakes,” “Aw…” Stan sulked. Ford looked behind the booth and spotted a sign that said ‘Win Free Pancakes!’ pointing at a manliness testing game. Ford smiled and cracked his knuckles, “Don’t worry guys, pancakes are on me. I’m gonna win some by beating that manliness tester,” “Manliness tester?” May said. “Beating?” Said Stan before he and May burst into laughter, May hitting the table with her fist. “He says— He says he’s—“ May gasped out before cutting herself off with more laughs. “What, what’s so funny?” Ford said, embarrassed. “No offense Sixer, but you’re not exactly,” Stan covered his mouth so he didn’t laugh, “Manford Mannington,” “Hey, I am too Manford… Manny, or whatever it is you said,” “Look, face the music, jellybean. You don’t have any muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let’s not forget last Tuesday’s incident,” May said.

Stanford stood in front of the mirror, holding his brush like a microphone and terribly singing Japanese lyrics as his CD player played the song.  “Bejitabura na, a-a-a-a-a!” His pronunciation was horrible, but he was having fun. May opened the bathroom door and walked in. “Don’t come in, don’t come in!” Ford shouted, dropping his brush in surprise

“You were listening to girly Japanese robot Hatsune Miku?” Stan said, holding back laughter. “No, I wasn’t— It’s not important! Look, come on guys, I’m plenty masculine. You see this chest hair?” Ford pulled his sweater down showing his chest, which was so bare it was almost shiny. “Put it away, put it away!” May shouted, covering her eyes. “So smooth!” Stan yelled as he shielded himself. Ford looked down his shirt, “Aw man,” Stan and May devolved into laughter again. “Fine, family of little faith. Get ready to eat your words,” Ford said as he shuffled out of the booth, “And a plate of delicious pancakes,” He walked up to the manliness tester as people nearby watched. Ford rolled up his sleeves and cracked his knuckles. “Alright Stanford, time to manhandle this… manhandle,” He looked up at all the rankings, which got more macho the higher up they were. “And a one, and a two,” Ford said, sweating and stretching his fingers. “Quit stalling!” Stan yelled from their booth. Ford grabbed the handle and squeezed it as tight as he could, watching the lights go from wimp to barely passable to man. Ford strained himself, but faltered for a moment, making the lights fall down to the bottom. The machine buzzed and printes out a paper that said ‘You are a Cutie Patootie!’ with an image of a baby on it. “Aw, what?” Ford laughed nervously, “This thing must be broken, it’s totally broken guys, it’s like a million years old,” Ford spoke to the people watching him, “It probably ran out of steam power or—“ Dan walked up to the machine, cracking his knuckles, “Hey Ford, give me a try?” He said before pushing the kid aside. “Oh, hey man, this thing’s pretty rickety, you shouldn’t even—“ Ford was cut off by Dan slightly nudging the handle with his pinky finger, making the lights zoom up so fast the statue at the top of the machine exploded. The arm of the statue landed on a plate of pancakes, launching them across the room and onto everyone’s plates. “Yes! Pancakes for everyone!” The people cheered for Dan as a pancake landed on Ford’s head. Stan and May laughed at him from their booth. Ford frowned, “I need to get some chest hair, and fast,” Ford ran towards the door, tripping on the beaver from earlier, “I’m fine! Everything’s fine,” Ford said, laughing nervously. “How on earth are you two goobers related?” May said, ruffling Stan’s hair. Suddenly, Gabriel dropped a plate of food on their table and flipping his ponytail. “Grenda said you wanted to talk to me?” Gabriel said. May looked behind him to see Growling Grenda winking at her, giving her a thumbs up. “Huh? Oh, yeah! I just wanted to say, um, you look really good cooking in the kitchen, and you smell like french fries… which isn’t a bad thing! Um..” May said, fumbling her words. “Ha, you’re funny,” The blonde man said before walking back to the kitchen. “What was that about?” Stan said. May sighed dreamily as she watched Gabriel walk away, “Nothing,” “Wait a second, you have a thing for that chef dude?”  “Maybe,” May said, blushing and smiling, “It would be nice if he liked me, but I’ve been out of the game for so long that I fumble whatever I try to say,” May rested her head on her palms, “And look at him, he’s so classy,” “Dammit, this oven won’t work!” Gabriel said from the kitchen as he banged his fist on top of a broken oven. “I know a lot about guys, Grauntie May,” Stan said, grabbing May’s face, “You’re a weird old lady and you smell like cheap perfume, but I’m gonna make you so pretty that Gabriel is gonna pass out from how good you look!” “Really? You’d do that for me, peanut?” May said, smiling. “Yup. To victory!” Stan said, grabbing his glass of water and downing it in one go.

Ford walked on the sidewalk in town, grumbling to himself, “Not manly enough, stupid diner, stupid manliness tester—“  Ford was cut off by a strong blast of water in his face. He looked at the source and saw Sheriff Rianda and Deputy Menville inspecting a fire hydrant. “Another hydrant destroyed… It’s a gosh darn mystery,” Rianda said. “Wanna take off our uniforms and run around in circles?” Menville said. “Quit reading my mind,” Rianda said with his shirt already off. The two men did so, splashing water around. Ford backed away to avoid the spray, bumping into a woman. “Oh, I’m sorry, I was looking for the mailman,” She said. “Oh, what? Are you saying I’m not a male man? Is that what you’re trying to say, I’m not male, I’m— I’m not a man? Is that— Is that what you’re getting at?” Ford stammered. “Are you crying?” The woman said, concerned. Ford teared up before running off through an alleyway and into the woods.

Ford laid down in a secluded part of the woods. He had taken his jacket off and was lifting a small branch. “One… Two… Three… Four…” He said, straining himself. He panted and put the branch down then pulled his turtleneck down and looked at his chest, “No chest hair yet,” Ford laid back down and sighed. “Is it physical, is it mental? What’s the secret?” He said, pulling out a bag of Real Man Jerky. It didn’t help that the product’s slogan was ‘You’re Inadequate!’ Ford stared at the packaging, “You said it brother, I need help,” Suddenly, in the distance, a loud rumbling sound came as herds and flocks of animals past Ford. Wendy Corduroy was running too, but she paused to yell at Ford, “For the love of all that’s holy, run, kid!” Before she ran away too. A tree collapsed and Ford grabbed his jacket and ducked behind a log. He heard a loud roar and he nervously looked up to see the source. Standing tall before him was a massive cow-man, covered in hair and sweat. Ford screamed, “Wait, sorry,” He said before screaming in a much deeper voice. The creature approached him and roared, which turned into a loud yawn. It grabbed a buck from a nearby bush— It grabbed a grown deer with its bare hands— and used its horns to scratch its back. When it was done, it threw the buck behind itself, creating a bump in the earth. The buck scampered away into the forest. The creature turned to Ford, flies buzzing around its head. Ford flinched, cowering behind the log. The creature swipes away the log and cornered him. “Please don’t eat me, I haven’t showered in, like, a week! And I’m, like, all elbows, elbows and gristle!” Ford said, covering himself with his arm and trying to protect himself.  “You!” The creature pointed and yelled at him, “…gonna finish that?” Stanford looked at the beef jerky and tossed it to the creature, “No,” It quickly grabbed the jerky and started to scarf it down. “I can’t believe it, part animal, part human… Are you some kind of minotaur?”  “I'm a manotaur!” The beast shouted, enunciating his words by punching the ground, “Half man, half, uh… Half taur!” “So did I, like, summon you or…” “The smell of jerky summoned me! Jerky!”  The beast punched a nearby tree, knocking it over, then grabbed a huge boulder and smashed it on his face, roaring in triumph and laughing.  He sniffed the air before turning to Ford and sniffing him, “I smell…” He sniffed again then stood straight up, “Emotional issues,” “I got problems, manotaur. Man related problems,” Ford said, looking down in shame. The manotaur sat next to him and patted his lap. Ford laid his head down and continued his lament. “Well, my brother and aunt think I’m a wimp,” The manotaur nodded as Ford spoke, “And then I kinda flunked this manliness video game thing… Hey, y’know, you seem pretty manly. Maybe you could give me some pointers?” “Hmm…” The manotaur hummed before standing up, “Very well, climb atop my back hair child,” The manotaur turned around and pointed at his back, which was covered in dirty, matted hair. “Uh, okay,” Ford said before climbing on. Once Ford was secure on his back, the manotaur ran through the forest, smashing into trees the whole way. Ford screamed in terror as branches and even a bird nest hit his face. Soon, they came to a canyon with a huge rock on the other side. “Dude, watch out!” Ford said, pointing at the rock and screaming. The manotaur jumped across the canyon, yelling a war cry. Ford covered his eyes and screamed as they burst through the rock, landing in a cave full of manotaurs lifting weights and playing games. “Woah… this place is amazing,” Ford said as he hopped off the manotaur’s back. “The gnomes live in the trees, the merpeople live in the water— ‘cause they’re losers!— but we manotaurs crash in the mancave!” The manotaur said, walking up to a gong and striking it with a bone, “Beasts! I have brought you,” The manotaur pushed Ford forward, presenting him to the others, “A hairless child!” “Sup,” Ford said nervously. The other manotaurs grunted in response. The manotaur pointed at the others as he name them, “This is, uh, Pubetaur, Testoseraur, Pituataur, and I’m Chutzpar. And you are?” “M-my name’s Stanford,” Ford said. The manotaurs booed his name, “The, uh, Slayer?” The manotaurs nodded in approval. “Stanford the Slayer wants us to teach him the secrets to our manliness!” Chutzpar announced. “I need your help,” Ford pleaded, showing them his chest, “Look at this, guys, look at this!” Testoseraur spoke first, “I must confer with the high council,”  All the manotaurs, excluding Chutzpar, huddled up and spoke amongst each other. “So, teach him our man secrets or what?” Testoseraur asked the others, “Our ancestors did help that one woman become a man a couple generations back,” “He’s a human, I don’t like him,” Pituataur said. “I don’t like your face!” Testoseraur screamed before punching Pituataur. Quickly, the huddle devolved into a huge fight “I like these guys,” Ford said with a smile as a tooth flew past his head.

Back at the shack, May sat at the dining table as Stan explained the plan to her. “Alright Grauntie May, welcome to the first day of whatever is rest of your life,” Stan said as he pulled out a camera, “First a before picture,” Stan snapped the photo and May smiled at it. As soon as the photo developed she grabbed it and put it in her scrapbook. “I never miss a scrapbook-ortunity,” She said as she glued the photo in and slapped a few stickers next to it. “Alright, let’s start out with some roleplay,” Stan said, gesturing to Dan and Ria. Dan had his hair tied back and his flannel was tied in front of himself, imitating an apron, “Dan will play the weird chef guy,” Dan nodded. “Grauntie May, show me how you approach a guy,” Stan said, “Remember that this is a non-judgmental environment, I’ll just be right off to the side judging you on a scale of one to ten,” He said as he pulled out a pen and notebook. May walked towards Dan and paused in front of him before taking a deep breath, “Hi, I’m May! I’m 60-something and I own a pig, wanna get married?” She said, smiling wide. Dan burst out laughing and Stan Blew his whistle then sighed and pinched his nose bridge. “This is gonna be harder than I thought,”

“After a lot of punching, we have decided to deny your request to learn our manly secrets,” Testoseraur said. “Denied!” Pituataur yelled before punching himself in the face. “Denied?” Ford said, frowning and turning his head down, “Okay, fine. That’s okay with me, obviously you guys think it would be too hard to train me. Maybe, you’re not man enough to try,” The manotaurs gasped and growled in anger. “Not man enough?” Testoseraur yelled as he approached Ford. “Slayer…” Chutzpar warned. 
“Not man enough!?”
 “He didn’t mean it!” “I have three Y chromosomes, six adam’s apples, pecs on my abs, and fists for nipples!” He yelled at Ford. “Seems to me you’re scared to teach me how to be a man. Hey, do you guys hear that? It sounds like,” Ford clucked, “Oh that’s weird, is that? That sounds like,” He clucked in between his words, “Yeah, a bunch of chickens!” He pointed at the manotaurs with a smug look on his face. The manotaurs gasped and huddled up again. “I feel all weird…” Testoseraur said. “He’s using some sort of brain magic,” Pubetaur said. The manotaurs split and Testoseraur spoke, “After a second round of deliberation, we have decided to help you become a man,” The rest of the manotaurs chanted ‘Man!’ and Fors smiled. “Great! thanks guys, whatever it is, I will not let you down,” Ford said.

Outside, the manotaurs stood around with Ford in the middle of them. “Being a man is about conquering your fears,” Chutzpar said. “For your first man task, you must plunge your fist into the pain hole!” Testoseraur said dramatically, pointing at a nearby pothole in the ground. The rest of the manotaurs winced and Ford cocked his head in confusion, “The what?” Testoseraur walked to the hole and put his hand in, “Pain hole, shmain hole—“ He said before screaming and hitting his head to distract himself from the unbearable pain.  He quickly pulled his hand out and ran away from the group. Ford walked to the hole and turned to Chutzpar. “Are you sure this is necessary?” He asked nervously. “You wanna be a man, don’t you?” Chutzpar said. The other manotaurs chanted ‘Man!’ over and over as Ford hesitantly put his hand in. Only a second passed before he was screaming in pain, loud enough for it to echo across the mountains.

”Okay Grauntie May, let’s try some makeup!” Stan said, holding a bunch of makeup supplies in his hands. “Ooh, are you giving me a makeover, sweetie?” May said, smiling. “Yep, I’m gonna make it so you look younger, ‘cause guys like younger women. At least, that’s what my dad says,” Stan said before messily brushing some blush on May’s cheeks. “Your dad isn’t really a good role model,” May said, looking away. Stan continued to put makeup on May’s face. When he was done he got Ria’s attention and asked her what she thought. “Ria, whatcha think? Am I a natural or what?” Stan said as May smiled wide. “Um, it’s… creative, chiquito,” Ria said, looking at the mess of concealer, blush, and eyeshadow on May’s face. “Hm,” Stan said, looking closer at May’s face, “This is gonna take some really great montage music,” Stan pulled out a CD with ‘Sick Montage Mix’ written on it in marker. He popped it into the CD player and smiled at May, who smiled back more hesitantly.  The song that played was a cheesy 80s mix, something you’d hear in a bad movie, and once it started playing Stan immediately got to work.

Ford, meanwhile, was put through many trials by the manotaurs. The trials seemed respectable at first glance, but were actually completely ridiculous. Ford had to pull a ‘party wagon’ full of manotaurs, which was torturous enough given how heavy the beasts were.  At some point, Chutzpar ripped some of his beard hair and attempted to glue it onto Ford’s chest. It didn’t stick, but it didn’t matter because right after that the manotaurs forced Ford to walk across the river using alligators as a bridge. They kept yelling and peer pressing him into doing ridiculous, dangerous, and over complicated tasks until they eventually had Ford jump a cliff. He fell, but kept making him try again until he finally got it. He cheered to himself and gave himself a highsix before falling backwards off the cliff.

Stan had May lie down on the yellow chair and put on a face mask and cucumbers, but she kept eating them. After, he had her try on a bunch of outfits, ones that were very stylish. May seemed to like a lot of them, but a few were itchy and annoying. Stan continued to make May fit into the mold of the ‘perfect woman,’ or at least what he had learned from his father.

After all the trials, Ford sat in a hot spring with the other manotaurs to relax. “Guys, I just wanna say that these last few hours have been… I feel like there’s really been some growth,” Ford said as he laid back.  “I have a growth!” A manotaur yelled from the other side of the spring. “Glark, you are hilarious today,” Ford chuckled then sighed, “It’s just, you guys took me under your wing and have just been so supportive,” “Oh, stop,” Chutzpar waved him off. “No, you know what, you really have been. I feel like I’m finally becoming a man here,” Ford said, flexing his biceps. “Not yet, Slayer, one final task remains,” Chutzpar said as two manotaurs fought behind him, “The deadliest trial of all,” “I’ve survived 49 other trials, whatever it is, bring it on!” Ford yelled and the manotaurs cheered.

The manotaurs gathered around the altar, lighting torches as Chutzpar slapped temporary tattoos on Ford’s body. Playing ceremonial drums on their heads, an old manotaur walked towards Ford. “Behold, our leader, Leaderaur!” Chutzpar said. “Is he, like, the oldest or wisest…?” Ford asked. “Greetings, young m—“ The old manotaur said before being eaten alive by a much larger manotaur. Ford recoiled in fear as Chutzpar spoke, “Nah, he’s just the offering. That is Leaderaur,” He said, pointing at the large manotaur. Leaderaur had menacing red eyes and had an entirely black hide. He scarfed down the other manotaur like it was nothing before turning to Ford and speaking in a booming voice. “You, you wish to be man?” Ford let out a weak roar and pounded his chest. The manotaurs in the crowd cheered him on. “Then you must do a heroic act. Go to highest mountain,” Leaderaur pulled a spear out of his pec, screaming at the pain, “…and bring back head of the multibear!” He shouted, throwing the spear at Ford’s feet. The other manotaurs gasped. “The multibear? Is that some sort of bear?” Ford said. “He’s our sworn enemy, conquer him, and you man-sformation will be complete,” “Conquer? Uh, I dunno man,” Ford said, thinking over the task. “Slayer,” Chutzpar said as he pulled Ford’s homemade vocaloid CD mix out of his backpack, “Is this yours?” “Uh, no! I— I don’t know whose that is,” Ford stammered as he snatched the CD away from Chutzpar and hid it behind his back, “I’m just borrowing it, it’s a friends, not mine,” The manotaurs grumbled among themselves and Ford nervously looked around. He saw the spear again, and furrowed his brows before picking it up and holding it up dramatically. “I shall conquer the multibear!”  The manotaurs shouted and cheered, and Leaderaur shot fire from his nostrils. Ford dodged a few stray bits of flame, yelping as he pat out one that fell on his shoulder.

Ford ran through the forest, hopping over logs and obstacles. He cut through branches with the sharp end of his spear and climbed a tree to get a better vantage point. From the tree he saw the mountain in all its glory. As he journeyed towards it, he vaulted over a cliff to the other side with his spear. He climbed all the way to the top of the mountain where he found the mouth of a cave. Covered in sweat and filled with determination, Ford mumbled to himself, “I’m comin’ for you, multibear,”

“Okay, Grauntie May! You started like this…” Stan said, holding a photo of May from earlier. Back at the shack, Stan sat on the yellow chair with Ria and Dan by his side. “But you became…” Stan put down the photo to see May, looking exactly the same. May crossed her arms and looked at Stan with confusion as he balled up the photo. “No! No, no, no!” Stan said, groaning. “Look, Stan, maybe you shouldn’t try to force your aunt into a ‘perfect woman’ mold,” Dan said, “She doesn’t need fixing, and if she does then Gabriel can do it himself with her,” “That’s very insightful of you, Daniel,” Ria said as Stan’s face lit up. “Eh, I was raised in a family full of women,” Dan said, shrugging. “That’s it! Grauntie May, come with me!” Stan said, running and pulling May out of the room.

As Ford stepped into the cave, he heard a crunch under his feet. He looked down and saw bones leading deeper into the cave. He knelt down and picked one up, analyzing it. “What even is a multibear?” He said to himself. Behind him, a dark shadow rose from its slumber. Ford watched as a bear with multiple heads poking out from its body stood above him, growling. “Oh, that’s a multibear,”  The heads roared as the one on top spoke, “Bear heads, silence,” It said, smacking one of the heads that kept roaring before turning back to Ford, “Child, why have you come here?” “Multibear, I seek your head! Or, one of them, anyway. There’s, like, what, six— Six heads?” “This is foolish! Leave now, or die,”  Ford pointed his spear at the multibear. “So be it,” The multibear said before each of its heads roared at him. The monster charged at Ford, who dodged out of the way by climbing the cave walls and jumping over it. He roared punily at it. The multibear threw bones at him like arrows, which Ford rolled out of the way of and behind a rock. As it approached him, he leapt up on top of the rock and yelled at it. The multibear roared back, slamming one of its heads on the rock. Ford dodged it, and climbed up the back of its neck and hopped on the heads to get to the beast’s back. Once there, he held the spear over the top head’s neck, choking the multibear. It roared in fear as it fell to the ground.  Ford stood on top of its chest, pointing the spear at it threateningly, “A real man shows no mercy!” He said, raising it above his head. The multibear sighed in defeat, “Very well, warrior. But will you grant a magical beast one last request?” Ford lowered his spear, “Uh, okay,” “I wish to die listening to my favorite song,” The beast said, turning its head to a cd player perched on a rock. Ford walked towards it, fumbling with the buttons for a moment. “The tape is already in there, you can just hit any— Yeah that’s it,” Ford pressed the play button and World is Mine started playing. Ford’s eyes widened in shock as the multibear nodded its head to the music.  “You listen to Japanese robot singer Hatsune Miku? I— I love Miku,” Ford said, his face softening. “I thought I was the only one. All the manotaurs make fun of me because I know all the words to the song World is Mine,” The multibear explained, turning its head in shame. “Oh, you mean,” Ford started to sing, “Sekai de, ichiban ohimesama,”  The multibear joined in, “Ki ga tsuite, nee, nee!”  Ford laughed, “This is crazy, finally someone who understands, uh…” He looked at his spear, “Oh yeah, I guess I’m supposed to kill you, or I’ll never be a man?” “I accept my fate,”  “No, really?” “It’s for the best,” Ford raised his spear above his head…

…And stabbed it into the ground below. He was back at the mancave, and had refused the trial. The other gasped.  “I’m not gonna do it!” Ford said. “You were told the price of manhood is the multibear’s head!” Leaderaur shouted at him. “Listen Leaderaur, alright?” Ford turned to the crowd behind him, “You too, Testoseraur, Pituataur, and… I don’t know, whatever your name is!” He said, pointing at a manotaur in the crowd, “Beardy?” “It’s Beardy,” He said, nodding. “You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks and being agro all the time, but I’m starting to think that stuff’s malarky,” Ford announced, watching the manotaurs gasp, “You heard me, malarky! So maybe I don’t have muscles or hair in certain places and sure, when I go online and see a music video with a dancing and singing robot sometimes I click on it. ‘Cause dang it, vocaloid is popular for a reason, they’re catchy!” “Slayer, what are you saying?” Chutzpar said. “I’m saying the multibear is a really nice guy, and you’re a bunch of jerks if you want me to cut off his head!” Leaderaur got up from his throne and roared in Ford’s face, “Kill the multibear or never be a man!” “Then I guess I’ll never be a man,” The manotaurs booed him, shouting that Ford was weak. “Hey guys, who wants to go build something and knock it down!” Chutzpar yelled, changing the topic. Immediately, all the manotaurs ran out of the cave, whooping and hollering. Ford watched them, kicking a rock before walking out irritated.

Stan took May back to Greasy’s Diner and walked up to the window to the kitchen, watching Gabriel hit the oven with his fist. “Work, you dumb cooker, work!” He said. “Hey chef guy!” Stan said, grabbing Gabriel’s attention. He moved away from the oven and up to the opening to hear what Stan had to say. “Listen, I know that she may be weird, but you’re always fixing stuff back in the kitchen, and if you like fixing stuff, then maybe you could try fixing my Grauntie May?” Stan said as May smiled at Gabriel, “Also, women live longer than men so you should settle down before you croak,” “So, Gabriel,” May said, chuckling nervously and blushing, “What do you say?”  Gabriel looked her over before turning back around into the kitchen. May sighed as she and Stan turned back, defeated. “Hey, wait!” Gabriel said, holding out a piece of paper to May, “Here’s my number, why don’t you give me a call sometime?” “Really?” May said. “Really,” Gabriel winked at her, “Also, here’s a burger, on the house,” He said, smiling at her and handing her a plate. “Yes, we did it!” Stan said as he and May sat down at a booth, “When are you gonna call? Ya wanna call now? I don’t have a phone, let’s buy a phone. We can put it on a credit card, let’s get a credit card!” Stan excitedly yapped as May stared at the piece of paper. May squealed and grabbed Stan, pulling him into a tight hug, “Thank you so much, peanut!”  Stan laughed before noticing Ford walking outside, sad and missing his jacket. Stan stood on the booth seat and banged on the window, “Sixer, it’s me, Stan! I’m looking at you through the glass, right here! This is my voice, I’m talking to you from inside!” Fors nodded, putting his hands up and trying to quiet Stan. He walked inside and sat down in the booth. “Did you see me through the—“ Stan said. “Yes,” Ford said, exasperated. “What’s wrong?” May asked him, cutting her burger in half with a knife. “I don’t wanna talk about it,” “Good,” Stan said as he grabbed his half from May and took a bite. “It’s just these half man half bull humanoids were hanging out with me, but then they wanted me to do this really tough, horrible thing but it just wasn’t right. So, I said no,” “You were your own man and you stood up for yourself,” May said. “Huh?” “You did what was right, even though no one agreed with you. Sounds pretty manly to me, but what do I know,” May said. Ford smiled at her. Stan squinted at Ford, eyeing in on his chest. “Hey, wait, do my eyes deceive me?” Stan said over a bite of food. He swallowed it and climbed over the table to point at Ford’s chest, “You have a chest hair!” Ford pulled down his sweater and gasped, “You’re right, I do!” He said, “This is amazing, I really do! Take that, man-tester! Take that Pituataur!” “Pituataur?” Stan said, confused. “This guy has chest hair!” Ford shouted, pointing at himself. Ford laughed triumphantly before May plucked the hair with a pair of tweezers and put it in her scrapbook. “Scrapbookortunity!” She said, smiling. Ford frowned, looking at his chest and back to May. “Aw, don’t feel bad, jellybean,” May said, turning to an early page in her scrapbook, “If you’re anything like your father, there’s more where that came from!” She showed Ford a photograph of May, a few other family members, and the twin’s father at the beach. Their dad had just his swimsuit on and his chest was covered in hair. “Ew, gross!” Ford said as he and Stan laughed, “Seriously, that’s disgusting. Put that away,”

———————

May sat in the living room, relaxing when the phone rang. “Oh no, not again!” May said, letting the phone go to voicemail.  “Message number: thirty six,” The answering machine said.  “Hey there, girl. It’s me, Gabriel calling to say hi. Hi,” Gabriel’s voice message said, “My puppets also wanted to say hi. Say hi, Buzzy Bee,” “Hi, May!” Gabriel said in a grainy voice, “Say hi, Libra!” “Hey there!” He said again in a female voice. May sat back as she listened to the man play with his puppets over the phone.  “Anyway, call me back,” Gabriel said before the voice message ended. “How do I get out of this?” May said to herself, covering her ears.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Ria stood on a stepping stool, placing a party hat on the stuffed rhino’s horn while Dan blew up balloons. Ford and Stan sat on the couch, clutching their stomachs. “Oh no, Stan, I don’t feel so good, I—“ Ford said before spraying silly string all over Stan and making retching noises. “Ugh, Grauntie May, what did you feed us?” Stan said, doing the same to Ford. They kept shooting silly strings at each other and laughed, May chuckling at them. Dan walked over to the twins with his hand behind his back. “Guys, guys, stop! Something terrible just happened,” The twins stared at him for a moment before Dan pulled another canister of silly string out and sprayed it all over them. Dan and Stan sprayed each other as Ford tossed gold confetti in the air and onto May, “Comedy gold!” He said, giggling. May laughed as she took the silly string and confetti from them, “Okay kids, I know you’re excited about the party—trust me, I am too—but we need to save the party supplies,” “Ms. Pines, who’s birthday is it again?” Ria said as she nailed party banners across the walls. “It’s these two nutcakes!” May said, ruffling Stan and Ford’s head, “Stan wanted a party, and I promised to deliver. I invited every young person in town,” She said, holding up a pin the tail on the donkey poster. “Nice,” Ria said. “Oh hey, kids, can you go copy these flyers?” May turned to the boys. May handed Ford a clipboard with a pink flier on it with the word ‘FREE?’ on it. “Oh man, a trip to the copier store,” Stan said. “Calendars, mugs, t-shirts and more, they got it all at the copier store,” Ria said, “That’s not their slogan, I just really feel that way about the copier store,” “Save the trouble, you know the old copier in my office? I finally fixed the old girl up, good as new” May said.

When the twins got to May’s office, Stan pulled the tarp off the copier machine. Moths and other bugs crawled and flew out of it. Ford gasped and smiled at the moths, “Endrosis sarcitrella!” Stan rolled his eyes as he opened the machine, breaking the cobwebs, “Does it even work?” Ford pressed a few buttons, but rested his arm on the copier when it didn’t do anything. Suddenly, a bright green emitted from the machine as it scanned Ford’s arm. He gasped and pulled his arm away as the machine smoked and crackled. It printed out a photocopy of his arm and Stan grabbed it. “Guess it does,” Stan said and held it up to show Ford. The paper started to wiggle and Stan dropped it in surprise. Once on the ground, the copy of Ford’s arm sprouted from the paper and crawled towards the twins. They screamed until Stan threw his punch on the arm and it melted away. “Oh my gosh… Stan, I think this copier can copy human beings!” Ford said as he stared in horror at the half destroyed arm. “Do you know what this means?”  Stan paused before spraying Ford with silly string and making barf sounds.

“Alright party people… and Ford,” May addressed everyone, “Let’s get serious for a minute. Ria, because you asked so nicely, you’ll be our DJ,” “I found this old ‘How to DJ’ book in my abuelito’s attic. It’s from the 90s,” “Authentic, I like it! Dan, you’ll be working the ticket stand, I just need someone to pair with you,” “I— I could work with Dan,” Ford said, raising his hand. May smiled at him knowingly, “Really? You realize if you do, you gotta commit to staying at the ticket stand with Dan. No getting out of it, just the two of you, alone, all night,” Ford turned around to see Dan spraying a smiley face on Ria’s belly. He and Stan laughed as Ria rolled her stomach. Ford admired Dan for a moment before turning back to May with a smile. “I promise,”  May winked at him.

Later that night, Ford stood in front of the mirror and tied a bow tie around his turtleneck. He turned to grab some spray-on deodorant, and when he turned back Stan was there. He yelped and jumped back, dropping the deodorant. “What?” Ford said after Stan stared at him funny.  “Uh, uh, I can work the counter with you Dan! Let’s kiss!” Stan said, mocking Ford and making kissy noises. Ford turned back to the mirror and fixed his bow tie, “Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want, but I’ve devised a plan to make sure my night with Dan goes perfect,” Ford winked and clicked his tongue at his reflection. “Plan? Oh Moses, you’re not making one of those over complicated lists, are you?”  “Pshh, over complicated? Lemme just,” Ford stuck his hand in his jacket pocket and fished a piece of paper out. As he unfolded the paper over and over, Stan couldn’t help but roll his eyes. He sat down to listen to Ford read his list. “Step one, getting to know each other with playful banter. Banter is like talking but smarter,” “That sounds like a dumb idea for poop-heads,” “Yeah, see, this isn’t banter. This is what I want to avoid with Dan. The final step is to ask him to dance,” Ford said as he started to daydream.

Dan held a much taller and much older Ford close as they danced together, each wearing sophisticated suits. Ria played the saxophone in the background as Ford leaned into Dan.
 
“Oh, Stanford, I’m so happy you decided to work the ticket stand with me,” Dan said as he dipped Ford down, “You’re so organized, show me that checklist again?”
 
Imaginary Ford pulled his list out, and Dan chuckled as he leaned closer—

“Boo!” Stan said, interrupting Ford’s fantasy. “If I follow steps one through eleven, nothing can get in my way,” “Sixer, you’re the one getting in your way. Why can’t you just walk up and talk to him like a normal person?” “Step nine, brother,” Ford said, pointing at his list. Stan rolled his eyes again and groaned. This was going to be a long night.

The party was in full swing. The disco ball hung high from the ceiling, the multicolored lights shone on it and scattered the light across the whole room. Ria stood at the DJ table managing the music. Stan wore a white shirt, a gold chain, and a baseball jersey over his shirt. As he watched the party from the top of the stairs, May burst through the curtain covering the door frame, dancing and humming. She was wearing a magenta blouse, embroidered bell bottoms, and the flashiest statement necklace she owned.  “Can your aunt throw a party or what?” May said to Stan. “The energy, it is electric! Lightning, lightning…” Ria said as she pressed buttons on a soundboard looking for the thunder sound effect. “And there’s goody bags for when they leave,” May said. Near the window, Daryl and Edwin pulled a handful of candy and goodies from their bags. Outside, Dan took money from a man in exchange for a ticket. Ford looked around nervously as Dan ate some popcorn. Ford pulled out his list and turned away to check it. “Step one, casual banter,” He said nervously before turning to Dan, “So here’s a casual question,” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat, “What’s your favorite type of snack food?” “Oh man, I can’t just pick one,” Dan said, putting his hand on his chin. “No way, mine too!”  “Uh, what?” Ford started to sweat, “Uh, I mean, um…” Ford stuttered before shoving a large handful of popcorn in his mouth. Dan took some more people’s money as Ford pulled his list out again. “New topic, new topic,” Ford muttered. Back at the party, Stan snapped his fingers as he danced, eventually moonwalking over to some chair and sitting down. He drank some water from his water bottle before noticing the girl sitting next to him. “Woah, you’ve got a real messed up eye!” Stan said bluntly, “I’m Stan, I’m the birthday boy,” “Hi, I’m Susan! This is my friend Fiddleford,” The girl said as a boy with a gap between his teeth popped up from behind her, holding a heavily modified laptop and a screwdriver. “What is that?” Stan said, pointing at the computer. “Just a thing-a-majig I’ve been a’ working on,” The boy said with a southern accent. Fiddleford tweaked with the laptop again before a stray bit of electricity shocked him. He and Susan looked at each other before laughing it off. “I’ve found my people,” Stan said to himself with a giddy smile. On the other side of the room, Ria announced, “Remember, whoever… party hardies..? Que? Gets the party crown!” She held up a fake gold crown, “Most applause at the end of the night wins!” Stan gasped and Susan and fiddleford awed behind him. Three boys walked up to the stage, the one in the middle taking off his sunglasses and talking to Ria. “Party crown? I’ll take that, thank you,” He said, adjusting his ascot. “Who’s that dork?” Stan said. “The most popular boy in town, Preston Northwest,” Susan fidgeted with a piece of her hair. “I always feel bad ‘bout myself around him,” Fiddleford said. “I’m sorry chiquito, but I can’t just give you the crown,” Ria said, “It’s a competition,” Preston chuckled and picked up the microphone, “Honestly, who’s gonna compete against me?” He turned to Fiddleford and Susan, “Farm boy? Lazy eye?”  He laughed and the two boys beside him laughed at them too. Everyone in the room turned to them and stared. “Hold me, Fiddleford,” Susan said, almost crying. “Our kind ain’t welcome here,” Fiddleford said as he hugged her. Stan frowned. He couldn’t just stand by and let this prissy rich kid treat these kids like this. He rolled up his sleeves and marched over to the stage.  “Hey, I can compete,” Stan said to Ria. Fiddleford and Susan gasped in suprise. “‘Sup Prissy, I’m Stanley,” He spat on his hand and held it out to Preston for a handshake. Preston grimaced, “That sounds like a fat old man’s name,”  “I’ll make you eat those words,” Stan said with a determined smile, poking Preston in the chest. “May the better partyer win,” Preston snapped and he and his friends walked away. “He’s so going down,” Stan said, putting his hands on his hips as Susan and Fiddleford smiled behind him.

Dan put more money in their makeshift cash register before turning around to look through the window. “Woah, sounds like the party’s getting nuts,”

“Let the battle for the party crown begin!” Ria announced to the room. Stan danced erratically, as people cheered him on. “Stan comes out strong, watch out Preston!”

Dan watched from outside, “I gotta get in there,” He turned to Ford, “Cover for me?” “Um, well, I—” “Thanks man,” Dan said, flicking Ford in the head. He opened the door and walked into the party. Ford looked down at his list before looking back up as Dan. “I’ll be back shortly,” Ford said as he turned the open sign around, “Surely May won’t mind if I’m gone for a few minutes,”  May grabbed onto Ford by his jacket before he could walk off, “What are you doing, jellybean? I know you like Dan, but you promised to do this job. Plus, you don’t even like parties,” “I promised?” May pulled out a tape recorder that repeated when Ford promised to stay at the ticket stand. She walked away silently, keeping an eye on Ford. He sat back down, sighing. Looking through the window again, he saw Dan dancing.  “If only I could be in two places at once,”  The wind blew through some of the posters he and Stan had copied earlier. He smiled as an idea came to him.

Ford climbed into the copy machine and pressed the on button. He laid there, waiting until the paper was fully printed.  “I wonder if this is a good idea,” He said to himself. He watched as the paper printed, falling out of the machine and onto the floor. A copy of Ford pushed itself out of the paper, standing up as its color flooded back. It turned around, facing Ford. “Wow… I have really big ears,” Ford said before hopping off the machine and staring back at the clone. “So… uh,” The Fords both said in unison, “Sorry, you first. Stop copying me!”  They both laughed, swiping their hands as they did. The clone hit his arm on a filing cabinet and cradled it in pain as Ford drew a number two on his sweater. “I will call you number two!” Ford said. “Definitely not. You know what name I’ve always wanted?” The clone said. “Sherman,” The Fords said, leaning towards each other. “Okay Sherman, let’s get down to business. I’m thinking you cover me at the ticket stand while I ask Dan to dance,” “I know the plan, buddy,” Sherman said as both of them pulled out their lists. Ford side eyed Sherman and took a step away from him, “Hey, we’re not gonna get jealous and turn on each other like the clones in the movies, are we?” “Stanford, please, this is you you’re talking about. Plus, hey,” Sherman snapped, “You can always just disintegrate me with water,” “Yeah… Yeaahh!” The two said, tapping their own and each other’s heads.

As Sherman took people’s money, Stanford walked inside the party. Sherman flashed Ford a thumbs up and Ford also gave him a thumbs up as well with a determined smile. Ford happily danced his way to Dan, humming along to the music. “Great news, Dan, I got someone to cover the concessions for me,” “That’s awesome. You can hang out with me and Janice,” Dan said, gesturing to the girl leaning her bike on the wall, “Janny, you remember Ford from the convenience store?” “Oh yeah, you were the scared kid,” Janice said with a fake voice, “So Dan, I’m gonna be performing with my band later this week. I’ve been preparing my vocal cords for a while now,” Janice said, twirling her hair. “Cool, maybe I’ll go,” Dan said. Ford gasped as he imagined a scenario where Dan spent the whole night with Janice instead of him.

“Janice, you’re a stupid, creepy weirdo,” Dan said, dipping Janice, “But kiss me anyways because you sing in a band,”
 
The two leaned in before Dan suddenly pulled away.
 
“Oh, wait, I forgot something!”
 
Dan walked up to Ford, crouched down, and punched him in the gut. 
 
Ford hunched over in pain as Dan shouted to Janice, “Let’s get married tonight!”

Ford’s phone rang, snapping him out of his nightmare(daymare?). He picked it up to hear Sherman on the other end of the line, who was watching through the window. 
“Hey buddy, it's me, you. I just had the same jealousy fantasy,”
 “We gotta get rid of Janice if I ever wanna dance with Dan,” Ford said, turning towards the window and biting his nail nervously. “Hey Ford, we’re gonna go sit on the couch, meet us when you're done,” Dan yelled to Ford, who gave him a thumbs up. “Oh no, they’re sitting on the couch! We gotta think of something, quick!” Ford said. He looked around, spotting Janice’s bike. “I’ve got an idea,” 
“I’ve got the same one, but we’re gonna need some help,”

After printing another Ford, Ford wrote a three on his sweater. “And that’s where you come in, number three,” “But what if Janice catches me? I’ll be all alone,” Three said. The others agreed and Ford went to print another clone. “Four Stanfords, this is a four Stanford plan,” Ford said as he climbed on the machine. The machine let out a plume of smoke and beeped. “Uh oh, paper jam,” Sherman said as he hopped off the desk he was sitting on and pulled the crinkled paper out. When he laid it on the floor and turned away for a moment, a messed-up Ford came out of the paper, squealing and screaming as it clambered onto Sherman. “Come on, you’re not gonna make me partner up with him, are you?” Three said. “Shh, don’t be rude!” Sherman said, cradling Paper Jam Ford, “Hey buddy, hey, it’s okay,” He said as the clone screamed and grabbed at his face and hair. “Okay, just one more clone,” Ford said.

“Always means forever,” Preston held a microphone and sang onstage with the spotlight on him, “Always!” He hit the high note surprisingly well, well enough that someone’s plastic cup shattered, “Forever,” He said, pointing into the crowd. “It’s like puberty ain’t even ruined his voice,” Fiddleford said, his voice cracking as he rubbed his hands. “Preston pulls ahead,” Ria said into the microphone. Preston hopped off stage, “Try and top that, Stanley. Oh, Fiddleford, you sound like a scratched record,” He said, handing Stan the microphone and walking away. ”I swear, one day I’ll build a robot so big, it'll smash that dern mansion of his to smitheroons!” Fiddleford fumed. “It’s not over ‘til it’s over, guys. Watch this,” Stan jumped on stage and took the microphone, “Ria, give me the eighties-est, crowd pleasing-est, rock ballad-iest song you’ve got!” Stan shouted. Ria clicked a remote and the karaoke screen played Don’t Start Un-Believing by Expedition. “Awesome,” Stan said, walking to the front of the stage and singing, “Don’t start un-believing! Never don’t not feel your feelings,”  Susan and Fiddleford danced along as the crowd cheered for Stan. Stan swung the microphone around in the air. “I’m gonna do a flip!” He said before failing to do a flip and landing on his face, “That was for you guys!” Ford walked up to Ria and got her attention, whispering in her ear. “Oh dear, thank you for telling me,” She said before announcing into the microphone, “Could the owner of a silver and blue dirt bike please report outside? It is currently being stolen right now,” “Wait, what?” Janice said, jumping out of her spot on the couch and looking out the window as Three and Four drove her bike away. She quickly ran out the door, “Hey, come back here!” “Ah, tough break. I wonder who those guys are that aren’t me because I’m right here,” Ford said to Dan. “Now we’re going to bring it down for a minute, ladies and gentleman, now’s the time,” Ria said as she played a slow song. The lights dimmed and Ford blushed and sweat nervously. “Aw man, I love this song,” Dan said as he swayed to the music. Stan ran up to Ford and got in his face, “Hey doofus, now’s your chance to ask Dan to—“ Ford covered Stan’s mouth and hopped off the couch to talk to him.  “Now’s your chance to ask Dan to dance,” Stan said once Ford took his hand away. Ford pulled out his list and looked over it. “Come on, go!” Stan pushed him towards Dan. “Uh,” Ford said as he stared at Dan from behind before forcing himself to walk forward. Stan nodded at him proudly until Ford ran back towards him and behind him, his list trailing behind. “I’ll be right back!”

Ford and Sherman paced around the attic brainstorming a plan. “Oh, I agree. You can’t just go and dance with him,” Sherman said. “The dance floor is a minefield, a minefield, Sherman!” “What if there’s a glitch in the sound system?” “May might get in the way,” “Janice might come back!” “There’s too many variables. We need help,” Ford said.

Ford laid back on the copier for the final time, printing out six more Fords. They each modified their plan, contemplating outcomes with calculations and percentages. Eventually the room was filled with Stanfords, all chattering away about what could and couldn’t happen. Ford tapped a lantern with his pencil, grabbing the clones’ attention, “Alright Stanfords, gather ‘round,” The clones all stood in a line awaiting Ford’s command. “Now’s the time, you all clear on what to do?” They all nodded and got in their places.  Ford number ten walked up to Ria at the DJ table and pulled out a bunch of photos, “Hey Ria, wanna see some baby pictures of me and my brother?” “Do I?” Ria said excitedly, taking the photos from him and cooing at how cute they were.  While she was distracted, Ten put a CD in the player titled ‘Dan Mix.’ He gave Seven a thumbs up, who proceeded to make the lights more moody. Five closed the blinds as Eight lowered a fishing line with a shiny(probably fake) jewel attached to it above May. “Right, like I’m gonna fall for that…” She said, chuckling. She ignored it for a moment, grabbing some marshmallows, until she couldn’t resist anymore. She jumped towards the jewel, crashing into the table, “Give me that shiny thing!” She said as she chased after it. Number Nine pulled a rope, which rang a bell upstairs. “There’s your cue, it’s the perfect moment to ask Dan to dance. Good luck, me,” Sherman said, pushing Ford towards the door. “I don’t need luck, I have a plan,” Ford said, patting his jacket pocket which held his list. He walked downstairs, only to find Dan off the dance floor and standing next to the bathroom. “Oh, hey man, what’s up?” Dan said to him. “What are you doing here? I mean, wouldn’t you rather be out on the dance floor? Uh, in like, exactly forty two seconds?” Ford said, glancing at his watch. “Jus’ waiting for the bathroom, dude,” “Uh, okay,” Ford said, fumbling and pulling out his list, “Small talk, small talk,” “So hey, let’s say everyone at this party gets stuck on a desert island. Who do you think the leader would be,” Dan said, looking out at the crowd of people. “I, uh…” “I think I’d go with this lunatic,” Dan pointed at a man punching the air and sweating. Ford chuckled and put his list away, “I’d probably go for stretch over there, uh, because tall people can reach coconuts?” He said, pointing at a very tall man. Dan laughed, “Speaking of tall, wanna see something?” He pulled out his wallet and showed a photograph of four kids, one being much taller than the others, “There are my three sisters, and I’m…” Dan said, uncovering his face to show a younger him, much lankier, with braces, and covered in acne. “Ha! You were a freak!” Ford said before quickly covering his mouth. “Yup,” Dan nodded. “You know, kids make fun of my fingers all the time back in Jersey,” “Fingers?” Ford blushed in embarrassment, “Uh, no, it’s nothing, I— I was… Ugh, why did I say that?” “No way, dude, now you have to show me. Show me, show me!” Ford took a swig of his punch and took a deep breath before holding up his six fingers to Dan. “Six fingers… That’s why your brother calls you Sixer. I just thought he hated you or something. Hey, I guess we’re both freaks,” Dan said, holding out his cup for a toast. Ford blushed and picked up his own cup, knocking them together. They laughed together before Preston slammed the bathroom door open behind them and walked back to the dance floor. “Wait here?” Dan said as he walked into the bathroom. “Of course,” Ford said. “Hey!” Sherman said. Ford turned around to see Sherman and the other clones. “What are you doing up here? Number Ten has been distracting Ria for fifteen minutes, she’s gonna get tired of those baby pictures eventually,”  “Never!” Ria shouted from below. “You won’t believe it guys, I bumped into Dan accidentally and things are actually going great!” Ford said excitedly. “That‘s nice, but not the plan,” Sherman said as he pulled his list out, “Do we have to remind you?” The clones all read seperate parts of their lists, their voices overlapping in a boring drone. “Oh man, you guys sound crazy. Look, maybe we don’t need the plan anymore, you know? Maybe I could just go talk to him like a normal person,” The clones gasped. “If you’re not gonna stick to the plan, maybe you shouldnt be the Ford to dance with Dan,” Five said. “If you think about it…” Six said as the others agreed. Ford crossed his arms and squinted, “Guys, come on, we said we weren’t gonna turn on each other,” “I think we all knew we were lying,” Sherman said menacingly as the clones surrounded Ford. Stanford screamed as they dragged him away.

The clones threw him into the closet in the attic, shutting the door. “No wait!” Ford said, banging at the door before stopping, “Ahh, I can’t breathe in here!” He faked. “Yeah you can, plus there’s snacks and a coloring book in there for you,” Sherman said from the other side of the door. Ford sighed and picked up the cheese and cracker stick box, ripping off the seal and eating some.  Outside, Sherman spoke to the rest of the clones, “Okay, so now that original Stanford, or Stanford Prime, is no longer fit for it, I nominate myself to dance with Dan instead. I’ve been around the longest so it should be me, right? I mean, logically, logically guys,” “Fair point, fair point… counter point, maybe I should get to dance with Dan because I’ve been around him the least,” Number Ten said. “That makes no sense,” Five said. “You make no sense!” Ten yelled, shoving Five. Five shoved him back, “Watch it!” “Don’t shove people!” Six said as he pushed Five. Paper Jam Ford screamed from the corner and Sherman walked over to him. “Hey, you want some cheese and crackers, buddy?”  Paper Jam Ford nodded and clicked. Sherman dipped the crackers in the cheese and tried to put it in his mouth. “Yikes. Hey guys, what would you do if you were trapped in a closet?” “Break out,” The clones said in unison. They all looked to the closet to see it was wide open. Sherman facepalmed.

Ford raced down the stairs, running to the balcony above the party. He saw Dan, but before he could call for help Number Five covered his mouth and pulled him back into the hallway. “Come on man, give it up. You’re overpowered,” Sherman said. “Hold on guys, think about it. We’re exact equals mentally and physically, if we start fighting it’ll just go on for infinity,” The clones shrugged and agreed before Ford interrupted them by punching Sherman in the face. They all stood there shocked before Nine shouted, “Clone fight!” The clones jumped into a pile, attacking Ford first before accidentally hitting each other and infighting. Five slapped Ford over and over saying “Quit hitting yourself!” until Eight tackled him to the ground. They each kept fighting one another and mistaking each other for Ford until one noticed him getting away. “Hey, Stanford Prime is getting away!” Ten yelled. Ford, with a piece of paper with the number seven taped to his sweater, said, “No friends, it’s me, Number Seven,” “That’s not me guys, that’s not me!” Seven said. The paper fell off Ford’s shirt and and Sherman commanded the clones, “Get him!” As they cornered Ford, he pulled out a party popper, “Stay back!” He said before popping it. The confetti fell non threateningly, but the smoke from the popper triggered the fire alarm. The sprinklers activated, spraying water, which melted the clones. They all booed as they turned into mush. Paper Jam Ford squealed one last sentence before melting with the others. 
‘It’s better this way for Paper Jam Stanford,’
 Ford watched as they melted, “Huh, how about that,” Sherman survived, and stood behind Ford, “You!”  “Uh oh,”

The party-goers formed a dance circle surrounding Stan, who was doing the worm and hopping across the floor. Ria flipped a disc before putting it back in the player. “One more song, people!” She said, “And then it’s time for the bestowing of the party crown, it’s gonna be the…” She pressed a button on her keyboard, which played an explosion sound effect, smiling. “Yo, Prissy, I just wanna say that you better be prepared to get your butt kicked!” Stan said. “Aw, it thinks it’s gonna win. Hey, did you hear that? People clapping for the weird kids? Yeah, me neither,” Preston said before walking away. Stan frowned and shot him a death glare.

Sherman held his arm in front of Ford’s neck, choking him. “Say it, say I can dance with Dan!” Sherman said. “Never!” Ford said as he turned the tables and wrapped his arm around Sherman’s neck. They both freezed when they heard Dan chuckle in the other room.  “Dan?” They both said. They walked to the balcony and saw Dan with Janice. Dan had his arm on the wooden beam behind Janice and Janice was talking to him about something. She leaned in and whispered something to him, which made Dan laugh and shove her. “Janny, shut up!” He said, laughing. Ford and Sherman sighed, “We blew it, man,” They both sunk down the railing and sat. “I dunno, wanna go grab a couple sodas or something?” Ford said. Sherman smiled at him and Ford smiled back.

“Let the party crown voting commence!” Ria said as she stood on stage. “Good luck, Stanley,” Preston said, feigning niceness before glaring at him. “Applaud to vote for Stan!” Ria said, gesturing towards Stan. More than half of the crowd, including Susan and Fiddleford, clapped for him. May walked up and started clapping rapidly too. “Lets check the applause-o-meter,” Ria said as she turned her arm up like a dial. Stan smiled and held his arm up, flexing his bicep.  “And your next contestant, Preston!”  Preston’s friends cheered along with a few people. Preston shot the crowd a look, scaring people into clapping for him too. Ria’s arm turned up to the exact place as her other arm. “Uh oh, a tie. This is a predicament…” Preston seethed before spotting Old Lady Chiu sitting on a chair, sleeping. He hopped off stage and waved a dollar bill in her face. She woke up and adjusted her glasses, sitting up and clapping when she saw the money. Preston smirked as Ria’s arm turned just slightly to the right. “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner,” She said sadly as Stan frowned, “The winner of the contest is Preston Northwest,” Ria said as she handed Preston the crown. “Thank you, Isabella. Thank you everyone!” Preston said as he took the crown and put it on, “Everyone come to the after party at my mom’s boat!” The crowd cheered as they carried him away and chanted his name. Stan looked down, defeated and embarrassed, “Sorry I let you guys down,” He said as he walked towards Fiddleford and Susan, “I understand if ya’ wanna leave…” “But then we’d miss the sleepover,” Susan said. “The huh?” Stan said. “We’re goin’ to call our dads and sleepover with ya. You’re, like, a total rockstar!” Fiddleford said. “I’ve got pie!” Susan said as she pulled a pie tin out of Fiddleford’s backpack. “Really?” Stan smiled. “Maybe we ain’t got as many friends as Preston, but we got each other, and I think that’s pretty good, I reckon,” Fiddleford said, smiling bashfully. Stan grinned at them before turning to Ria, “Ria! Play another song, this thing’s going all night long!” “Way ahead of you, chiquito,” Ria said as she loaded another vinyl in. The three of them danced to the music together, smiling wide.

Ford and Sherman sat on the roof, each holding soda cans. “Some night, huh?” Sherman said. They looked up into the sky to see the Ursa Major and Minor constellations. Ford sighed as he and Sherman opened their cans, “Do you think we really have a chance with Dan? I mean, he’s 16, we’re 13,”  “I dunno, man. I hope so, but we’re making zero progress the way we’re doing it. The only good conversation you had with him was when you didn’t do any of that list stuff,” “I know… Stan was right, I do get in my own way,” “Literally!” The Fords said in unison. “Woah…” Sherman said, making an explosion noise. They knocked their cans together before each taking a sip. Sherman’s stomach started to rumble, and he looked down to see his belly melting. “Oh boy, don’t look now,” “Sherman!” Ford said as he stood up. “It’s okay, dude, I had a good run. Remember what we talked about,” “O—Of course!” “Hey, and quit being such a wimp around Dan, okay? For my sake…!” Sherman said as he melted. “Sherman! You were the only one who understood,” Ford said before pouring one out and drinking the rest.

As Ford looked through the window, he saw May counting the money they got while Stan and two kids he didn’t recognize danced with him. He spotted Dan, still standing in the corner and listening to the music Ria had played. Ford walked up to the door, but paused before pulling his list out and ripping it up. He dusted off his hands before opening the door and walking in.  Immediately, Stan yelled at him as he danced, “Sixer! Where have you been? Meet my new pals, I even found a nerd friend for you!”

———————

Ford walked up to Fiddleford, who smiled when he saw him. “Howdy, you’re Stan’s brother Stanford, right? He told me a lot about ya,’ you like science too?” “Yeah, I do! Maybe we should experiment together sometime soon,” Ford said as he started to dance with the other boy. Fiddleford blushed a bit, then started dancing with Ford as he explained his recent inventions.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

May tapped the steering wheel and hummed to the music on the radio while Stan and Ford sat in the back, eating snacks. Stan took two corn chips out of the bag he was holding, and giggled as he threw one at Ford’s head. Ford shot him a dirty look before turning to May. ”Grauntie May, what’s with all the traffic?” Ford said as he looked out the window to see people riding wagons, “And why is it all covered wagons?” “You’ll see soon, sweetie,” May said. Stan looked out the passenger window in horror as he realized what Grauntie May meant when she said she was taking the boys on “a learning journey.”  “Oh no, Sixer! I read about this in a newspaper, Grauntie May dragged us into Pioneer Day!” Stan said, grabbing his brother by the jacket and shaking him. “Oh yay, a chance to learn more about this town’s history,” Ford said, taking out a notebook and jotting down notes. Stan watched a cow trot next to the car with an unhappy look on his face.

After May had parked, the boys hopped out of the car and looked around.  “Man, look at the town,” Ford said, holding up a postcard of the town normally and comparing it to the town in front of them. Stan rolled his eyes as May walked up to them.  She ruffled Stan’s hair before talking, “Ah, Pioneer Day. Every year, the people of this town wear silly clothing to celebrate the day Gravity Falls was founded,”  “Welcome to 1863!” Thompson Determined said, handing May an outdated newspaper. “Why, thank you!” She said. The twins looked around at the stands of food, gold panning, and… a man getting married to a woodpecker? “I now pronounce you man and wife,” The priest said. “I do!” The man said as the woodpecker pecked his hand. “What the heck?” Stan said, turning his head in confusion. “Oh yeah, I remember this,” Ford said, pulling out the journal, “In Gravity Falls, it used to be legal to marry woodpeckers,” “Oh it’s still legal,” The married man said, walking up to them, “Very legal,”  “Come, one and all, for the opening ceremony!” A man said over a loudspeaker. May walked back up to the boys with a giddy grin on her face, “You two have fun, okay? I’m gonna go candle dipping,” She said before giving Stan and Ford each a kiss on the forehead. Stan frowned and wiped her lipstick off his face. The twins all walked up to a stage in the middle of the town. On the stage was Sheriff Rianda, Deputy Menville, Preston Northwest and his mother, as well as a giant statue of a man holding an American flag. “Hear ye, hear ye,” Rianda said into a microphone, “Ye olde commencement ceremony is about to commence!”  Menville rang a cow bell loudly as the twins squeezed their way to the front of the crowd. On stage, Preston tapped the microphone before speaking. “Howdy, everyone. You all know me, Preston Northwest, great, great grandson of town founder, Nathaniel Northwest,” He said, gesturing to the statue, “I’m also stupidly rich,”  Everyone clapped before Stan shouted, “More like you’re just stupid!”  A few people in the crowd gasped as Stan climbed on the stage and took the microphone.  “Pioneer day sucks!” He spat into the microphone, his giggling trailing off when he realized no one was agreeing with him. Ford pinched his nose bridge and shook his head. “Oh, well if it isn’t Stanley Pines. You know, your opinion shouldn’t be trusted, I saw you pickpocket three different people from up here,” Preston said, grabbing the wallets from Stan’s pocket and throwing them back to their owners, “Let’s be honest, Pines. You’re a no-good cheat, and I don’t think the people of my town want you to represent us. Right everybody?” Preston gestured to the crowd as they applauded him. Stan walked off the stage angrily while Preston kept talking about himself. Ford pushed through the crowd to get to Stan as Preston and his mother posed for a photograph. Preston chuckled to himself, “We’re perfect,” Ford caught up with Stan, “Hey, you okay?” “Meh. Just need some old timey butterscotch,” Stan said with his hands in his pockets.

May giggled as she dipped a candle in a tub of wax, holding up the line behind her. “Ma’am, you’re slowing down the line, I’m going to have to ask you to stop,” The older woman running the stand said. “Shh, I’m almost done,” She said as she put the fifty seventh layer on. “If you don’t stop immediately, I’ll be forced to call the cops,” May laughed, “What’re they gonna do, throw me in ye stocks?”

“Ah, nuts,” May said after the police put her in the stocks. Bud walked by, carrying a basket of tomatoes. He stopped in front of May and picked a tomato up. “Well, howdy Miss Mason,” He said, winking at her. “Gleeful,” May said, irritated. “You know, I was just walking into town so I could sell my produce. Whoops, I dropped one,” Bud said calmly before throwing the tomato at May’s face, “Whoops, dropped another one,” He threw another one at May’s face.

The twins sat on the steps leading to the statue of Nathaniel Northwest.  Stan threw a candy into his mouth, “Sixer, can I ask you something?” He said, “Do you think I’m a cheat?” “Well yeah,” Ford said without thinking. Stan sulked a bit before Ford fixed his sentence, “But— but you’ve got other great qualities too,” Stan groaned in frustration, “I knew it. I thought I was bein’ a lovable bad boy, but I guess everyone thinks I’m just a lame thief,” “But you love stealing,”  “I did, before Preston ruined it for me. Ugh, Preston!” Stan stood up and turned to the statue, “Why does he think that being related to the town founder means he gets to treat everyone like garbage. Someone needs to knock his lights out or something,” “Wait a minute,” Ford said, pulling the journal out, “I think I read something about Preston’s great, great grandfather before,”  Ford flipped through the pages before shoving the book in Stan’s face. “Of course! This’ll cheer you up,” Ford cleared his throat before deepening his voice, “‘In my investigations’… Should I do the voice?” Stan shook his head and Ford shrugged. “I’ll just read normally, ‘In my investigations, I recently made a discovery. Nathaniel Northwest may not be the founder of Gravity Falls,” Stan listened and smiled, “I believe the proof of this secret is buried somewhere on the enclosed document. If only I could crack the code…”  Ford opened the paper to see the aforementioned code. In the middle of the paper was a drawing of a triangle with an assortment of codes and eyes on it. “Oh man, if this coverup is true, it could mean Preston’s whole family could be a fraud,” “Really?” Stan said with wide eyes. “I have to investigate this,” Ford said, standing up. “Wait,” Stan put his hand on Ford’s shoulder, “I’m coming with you. Solving coverups is good work, right?” Ford nodded. “Well, if I help you crack this code, then nobody could ever call me a cheat again!” “Yeah! High-six?” Ford said, holding up his hand. “High-six!” His brother slapped his hand against his with a grin on his face. The two boys ran off laughing as Sheriff Rianda watched from behind the statue. He took out a walkie-talkie and spoke, “This is Sheriff Rianda, we’ve got a code Sepia,” He listened as the other man spoke, “I’m following them right now… I understand, Rianda out,” He said before shutting the walkie-talkie off, “Deputy Menville, maintaining this coverup is the mission we’ve been training for out entire careers. Are you ready?” Menville rang his bell and smirked, “Ready as I’ll ever be, man, let’s go get ‘em!”

At the library, Ford searched through history books and documents while Stan sat at a table with him. “Alright Stan, if we can prove that Nathaniel Northwest wasn’t the real founder of Gravity Falls it’ll finally put Preston in his place,” “And solving a mystery will prove I’m a good kid, real good,” Stan said as he picked a book up and squinted at the page he landed on. Ford picked up a photo card and placed it in a projector, “We just need to crack this code, let’s see…” Ford said as he picked up the document and compared it to the slides on the projector, “It’s not Egyptian, it’s not numerology, it’s not— Wait, of course!” Ford held the paper up to the screen. “The triangle is the alchemist symbol for flame, lighting the parchment on fire will reveal the secret message!” Ford said triumphantly. “Yeah, that sounds smart,” Ford picked up a candle, “Alright, let’s light this sucker up and— Stanley!” Stan had folded the paper into a paper airplane while Ford wasn’t looking, “Haha, look! Wanna see if I can throw this in Old Lady Chiu’s hair?” He glanced back at the airplane, “Ugh, I did something bad again,” While Stan hit his head in frustration, Ford looked closer at the airplane and noticed the pattern looked different now. “Wait, Stan, you folded it into a map,” Ford said as he directed the light to the folded paper, “And I was gonna burn it…”  Suddenly, the twins heard the cops talking to the librarian and asking about two boys who might be reading. When the boys saw them, they hid under the table and watched as the cops knocked some books down before searching another area of the library. “Maybe we should take this elsewhere,” Stan whispered to his brother. “This map should lead us to…” Ford said as he took the paper airplane from Stan.

“…The Gravity Falls Museum of History,” Ford finished. “You realize what this means, Stanley? We’re gonna have to break in,” Ford said seriously.

“And, those are your free Pioneer Day passes,” The museum employee said as she stuck a button on Ford’s shirt, “And you balloons, blue and pink,” She handed them each a balloon. “We’re in,” Ford said dramatically. The twins looked around the museum for clues, with Stan looking at all the gross exhibits. “So what’s the plan now, steal Thomas Jefferson’s ribcage?” Stan said. “Ew, no,” Ford held the map up, “According to the map, the next clue about the real town founder should be right…” He put the map down to reveal a peculiar triangle sculpture, “Here,” The boys gazed at the sculpture for a moment before Ford spoke again. “We have to figure this one out quick, I have a feeling those cops weren’t at the library to check out books,” “No duh, poindexter. What else would they be doing there?” Ford rolled his eyes before looking back at the sculpture, “So what is it, anyway?” The twins stared at it for a moment until Stan stepped over the stanchion guarding the sculpture, ignoring the no touching sign and feeling the artwork. After looking at it up close, Stan saw something in it. “Hey, wait,” He jumped back over the stanchion, knocking it over, and sat upside down on the bench, “It looks like a thing!” Stan pointed at the sculpture and Ford sat upside down too to see that the sculpture was upside down. It looked like an angel pointing to the right. “It’s not abstract, it’s upside down!” “I think I’ve seen that statue in the cemetery,” Stan said. “Let’s go!” Ford said and he and Stan quickly got off the bench before groaning in pain from the vertigo. Meanwhile Rianda and Menville stood at the entrance to the museum when Sheriff Rianda’s walkie talkie sounded off.  “Officer Rianda,” The man on the other end said. “Rianda here,” 
“Have the targets been apprehended?”
 “Negative, but we’re close. I promise, those kids will never get past us,” Rianda said just as the twins ran past them, “Hey, wait!” The cops chased after them as the boys ran out of the museum. Rianda and Menville got stuck in the door together, shouting at the kids as Stan stuck his tongue out tauntingly at them.

The woodpecker man yelled at his bird wife, “For the last time, we are not going south for the winter. Our home is here!” He yelled as his wife pecked the table, “You always say this!” May listened to the man yell before watching him walk outside. She ignored him and went back to trying to unlock the stocks with a bobby-pin. “Come on, come on,” She said, sweating from exertion. She accidentally dropped the pin and Preston picked it up, taunting her. “Well, if it isn’t Stanley’s uncle, Ms. Pines. Looking for this?” Preston said as he held the pin up. “Yeah, yeah, what do you want? Money?” May said, already irritated enough from being stuck in the stocks all day. Her back was already hurting, and she couldn’t take anymore bullshit. “I want you to say that the Northwest family is the best family in Gravity Falls,” May sighed, “Do you want that in writing?” Preston stuck a pen in her mouth and held a notepad up to her. When she was done writing, he looked at the paper to see that it said, ‘YOU STINK!’ on it in big letters. “Hahaha! I did that with my mouth!” She laughed triumphantly. Preston seethed before whistling, catching the attention of a group of people with tomatoes. He pointed at May and the people approached her threateningly. “Oh, come on!”

“Huh…” Ford said as he looked up at the angel statue, “The statue must be pointing to the next clue,” “Aw, gross, she’s picking my nose!” Stan said, laughing as he stood next to the statue and stuck its finger in his nostril. He jerked his head while laughing, which moved the finger a bit. “Ack—” Stan exclaimed as Ford watched the “grave” open up below. “Stan, look,” Ford said, pointing at the tunnel. “Ha, who’s a cheat now, Preston?” He said, punching his fist against his palm.  He pulled himself off the statue’s finger and ran after Ford as they both walked downwards. “Now we’re getting into real spy stuff, I feel so badass and heroic,” Stan said as he walked down the steps, popping a butterscotch candy in his mouth. “Okay, look out for booby traps,” Ford said as he looked around with his flashlight. “Haha, you said boobie,” Stan stepped on a rock, which activated a mechanism that shot darts at the twins. “Tranquilizer darts!” Ford said as Stan grabbed him and dragged him through the darts before slipping and sliding down a tunnel. Ford pointed his flashlight through the room they landed in, looking at the historical remnants stashed in the little room.  “It’s a treasure trove of historic-y, secret-y things!” Stan said as he picked up a stack of top secret documents. Stan flipped through the papers of secrets about historical American figures, some serious and some completely ridiculous. “Woah, Ben Franklin secretly was a woman!” He said. “Look Stan, jackpot!” Ford said as he pointed his flashlight at a file that said ‘The Northwest Cover-up,’ “Now we’ll find out who the real town founder was,” Ford opened the file as Stan walked up to him. “Let it be here recorded that Nathaniel Northwest, fabled founder of Gravity Falls was, in fact, a fraud! As well as a… waste-shoveling village idiot?”  Stan laughed, “Bad news for Preston. Wait until the papers here about this, and once people see that I uncovered a historical conspiracy, I’ll be hailed as a hero!” Ford continued to read, “The true founder of Gravity Falls was Sir Lord. Quentin Trembley, III, Esquire,”  “Who’s Quentin what’s-his-name?” Suddenly, a light shone on the twins from behind, and they heard Sheriff Rianda’s voice yell at them, “That’s none of your business!” “We gotcha, son!” Deputy Menville laughed before trailing off and passing out. “He got hit with a lotta those darts,” Rianda said.

“I hate to do this, but Quentin Trembley’s a matter of national security,” Rianda said, holding the document. “Yeah! Yeah… oh jeez, I think I may be colorblind, Sheriff…” Menville said, holding himself up with his hands on his knees. “What do you mean ‘national security?’” Ford said. “And who is Quentin Trembley anyway?” Stan asked with his hands on his hips. “See for yourself,” Sheriff Rianda said as he took an old-fashioned movie reel out from his hat. As he played the movie in a projector, Stan groaned, “Aw, it’s black and white?” “Shh, Stanley!” Ford whisper-yelled back at him. A man appeared on the projector and spoke, 
“If you’re watching this, then you are one of eight people in the United States of America with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot as soon as the filming is complete. What, no? Oh, well, that’s a relief.”
 
Of all of America’s secrets, the most embarrassing was that of Quentin Trembley, the eighth and a half president of the United States,”
 “President?” The twins said in unison. “Eighth and a half?” Stan said, confused.  “After winning the 1837 election in a landslide,” The screen depicted Trembley standing in front of a landslide that had wiped out his competitors, “Quentin Trembley quickly gained a reputation as America’s most immature and unlawful president. He waged food wars on small towns, appointed six babies to the supreme court in order to manipulate the country’s ‘cute vote,’ and issued the depantsipation proclamation, forcing citizens to go without pants.”  Stan scratched the back of his head as he and his brother watched in confusion 
“His state of the union speech was even worse,”
 The video played a soundbite of Trembley’s speech, “The only thing we have to fear is gigantic man-eating spiders!”  
“He was kicked out of office and escaped to an uncharted valley he named Gravity Falls after plummeting into it at high speeds. Trembley’s shameful term was erased from history and officially replaced by William Henry Harrison as president, and local nobody, Nathaniel Northwest, as founder of Gravity Falls,”
 
The whereabouts of President Trembley’s body are unknown,”
 The video stopped and Rianda spoke, “Until now,” He gestured behind them to Trembley’s body encased in a golden orange substance. “Woah, is this amber?” Ford said. “The fool thought he could live forever by encasing himself in a block of solid peanut brittle. Smooth move, Mr. President. Finding Trembley’s body was our special mission, and now, thanks to you, it’s complete,” “Who knew all we had to do was follow a little boy’s trail of litter?” Menville said, holding up a candy wrapper. “Ugh, stupid!” Stan said, facepalming. “Now that you know the truth, we can’t let you go around talking about it,” Rianda said. “Does that mean—?” Ford started. “Are you gonna kill us?” Stan yelled. “Christ, no! Of course not,” Menville said, “We’re just gonna escort you and all this stuff back to Washington,” “You aren’t comin’ back, by the way,” Rianda said. Ford and Stan looked at each other in fear.

As the train horn went off, Rianda and Menville got comfortable in their seating area. “We’ve got fold-out beds,” Menville said as he set up their beds. “Good thing I’ve got my book of spooky ghost stories,” Rianda said. “I’ve got our old yearbook from highschool,” The two laughed among themselves as they pointed out old friends from the book.

The twins banged and hit the box they were stuck in, screaming and yelling for help. Stan sat down, defeated. “Ugh, I can’t believe I left a trail of candy wrappers. This is all my fault, Preston had me pegged all along, I’m just a no-good cheatin’ jerk, like President Fartface,” Stan said, crossing his arms and sulking. He grabbed a piece of peanut brittle from Trembley’s sugary coffin and chewed on it. The empty spot he took from started to crack, and Stan and Ford jumped back and screamed as the peanut brittle crumbled to the floor. “‘Tis I, Quentin Trembley!” The president said before tearing his pants off. “Holy mackerel, you’re alive! But how?” Ford said, now quite interested in how the sweet treat kept him alive. Stan gasped, “Peanut brittle really does have life-sustaining properties… You’re not bad at all, you're a genius!”  “And so are you, young man, for following my clues and freeing me from my delicious tomb!” Trembley’s exclaimed. “He’s right Stan, making maps into paper airplanes, violating museum policy, you breaking rules solved the code that serious cops couldn’t in a hundred years!” Ford said. “Aw shucks,” Stan said, rubbing his arm. “By Jefferson, we seem to be trapped in some sort of… crate shaped box!” Trembley’s yelled.  ‘Man, this guy is loud,’ Ford thought to himself. “It’s a crate, Mr. President,” Stan said. “Good thing I have this key I stole from the white house, which can open any lock in America!” Quentin said before walking to a wall and poking it with the key, mumbling when it didn’t work. “I don’t think that’s gonna work,” Ford said. “Wood, my age old enemy… In order to get out of here, this is going to take the most ridiculous scheme ever conceived,”  “I think I know who can help you,” Ford said, looking at Stan. “Hm, how about… that hole?” Stan said, pointing at a knot in the wood. “We will leap through it!” Trembley said, leaping towards the hole and trying to squeeze his way through. Stan chuckled, “Or, we could use the key?” “Ah, yes, of course,” Quentin said before sticking the key through the hole and wiggling it. Ford facepalmed. Outside the crate, a woodpecker pecked on the box. “Is that my third wife, Sandy?” Trembley said. The bird kept pecking until the box broke into pieces, flying off when it did. “Well, we didn’t fit through the hole, let’s rebuild the box and try again!” Quentin yelled. “We gotta get out of here,” Ford said as he grabbed some papers and ran out with Stan following behind him. “Also good,” The president said. Ford opened the train car door to the room where Deputy Menville and Sheriff Rianda were. When Menville saw them, he dropped the bucket of ice he was filling up and called for Rianda. “Rianda?!”  Ford quickly shut the train door again and the three of them ran back to the opposite side of the train car. The door was locked, but Quentin quickly climbed up the nearby escape ladder. He hit the emergency exit on the ceiling with the key, but Ford slapped it away and opened the door by the handle. They all climbed on top of the train and ran towards the front. The cops chased them, eventually cornering them at the end of the train cars.  While trying to catch his breath, Sheriff Rianda yelled at the trio, “There— Is no… escape! Oof, hold on,”  “Are you alright, man? Ya’ need anything?” Menville said, kneeling to Rianda’s side. “Nate Menville, you are a diamond in the rough,” Rianda said, smiling appreciatively at his partner. “Sheriff Rianda, do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility?” Ford yelled to the other side of the train car. “I’ve got no choice, our orders come from the very top!” Rianda shouted. Ford looked back at Trembley, when an idea popped into his head. “Wait, Quentin, did you ever sign an official resignation?” Ford asked him. “No sir, I punched John McLean in the face and jumped out the window!” “Then, technically, you’re still legally the president of the United States, right?” Ford turned back to the cops, “You have to listen to this guy now!” “Huh?” The cops said, glancing at each other. “As president of the several United States, I hereby order you to pretend none of this ever happened! And go on a delightful vacation—” Trembley said before getting hit in the back of the head with a sign, “Ow! Yes!” “Vacation?” Rianda said, turning to Menville, “What place have we always wanted to visit? One, two…” “Silly Water Fun Slides at Grand Lakes, Michigan!” The two said before laughing in delight.

The cops waved goodbye to the twins and president from the train car window, now both wearing Hawaiian shirts. Ford and Quentin waved back before Quentin leaned down to Stan’s level. “You’ve done a great service to your country, Stanley. As thanks, I’d like to make you an official U.S. congressman,” Trembley said, pulling a top hat out of his suit pocket and popping it out.  “I’m legalizing everything!” Stan yelled. “And Timothy,” Quentin turned to Stanford. “Uh, actually it’s—” “You, dear boy, are on your way to unlocking the mysteries of this great land. So I’d like you to have the key,”  Trembley handed Ford the key, and the boy examined it in awe.

“…and then he chased me around and spanked me with a paddle for, like, three hours,” Trembley told the boys as they walked back into town, “Bottom line, don’t pickpocket George Washington,” “Wasn’t planning on it,” Ford said. Stan spotted a group of boys jumping around in a potato sack race. Preston and his other friends watching, judging them. One of them tripped, and Preston looked to the boy at his left. “Kick him off the team,” He said, prompting his friends to roll up their sleeves and confront the boy. Stan ran up to Preston, grinning with excitement, “Hey Preston, I uncovered a government conspiracy about the eighth and a half president of the United States! Who’s a cheat now?” “What? Who is that idiot?” Preston said, pointing at Trembley. “Put up your dukes, you bald fiend!” Quentin said, attempting to throw punches at a bald eagle. “The eighth and a half president of America. Now I know what you’re thinking,” Stan said, leaning his arm on Preston’s shoulder, “How is he still alive? Well, turns out you can hibernate in peanut brittle—” Preston shoved Stan’s arm off his shoulder and burst out laughing. “Wow, you really are a sad, dumb little boy. Nice top hat, by the way,” “Be nice, Preston,” Ms. Northwest said, crossing her arms and scolding her son. Preston rolled his eyes and turned back to Stan, “Ooh, I see your car is stuck in the mud. Enjoy walking home,” As the Northwest’s car pulled up, Preston walked away from the twins.  “Aren’t you gonna tell him about his eat-gray ampa-gray?” Ford said, pointing at the documents. “Oh, definitely. I was just waiting for the perfect moment,” Stan grinned mischievously before chasing after the car. He whistled, and the driver stopped. Stan ran up to Preston’s car window and shoved the papers on the half rolled-down window. “Hey Preston, Nathaniel Northwest didn’t found Gravity Falls, and your whole family is a sham. Deal with it, sucker!” He said, throwing the documents through the window. Preston picked them up with an unamused face. Stan watched as his face turned to horror, but before Preston could say anything the car was already driving away.  “What?! Mom!” Preston shouted as he and his mother drove away. “Man, revenge is underrated. That felt awesome!” Stan said, throwing his hands in the air in celebration. Trembley came up from behind and placed his hand on Ford’s shoulder, “Children, I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I’ll always be right here,” He pointed at Ford before opening up his hand to give Stanford a strange piece of money, “On the negative twelve dollar bill,” “Woah, this is worthless,” Ford said with a smile. “It’s less than worthless, my boy,” The president said matter-of-factly, “Trembley away!” Quentin jumped, landed backwards on a horse, and ran down the train tracks into the sunset. “Where do you think he’s going?” Stan asked. “I’m gonna say, off a cliff,”

Later, the boys found May in her stocks and listened to her talk about what happened while they were on their adventure. “…and then Gideon came by and talked to me for, like, an hour,” May said, rolling her eyes. “Man, that stinks,” Stan said. Ford pulled the key out from his pocket and used it to unlock the stocks.  “It works!” “So, what’s with the top hat? Trying out a new style?” May said as she rubbed her wrists. “I’m a congressman!” “Pardon me?” “You are officially pardoned,” Stan said, and he and Ford laughed. “Moses, you are never gonna make sense, huh kid?” May said as she held her sore back. “Not in a bajillion years. Stanley away!” Stan shouted before jumping backwards and smashing through a window, “I’m okay!”

———————

The year is 1839, and President Quentin Trembley stands before the supreme court justices. “Esteemed gentlemen of the United States supreme court, I implore you to rethink your decision,” The babies each babbled and drooled. “Very well… But who would you have replace me?” “Mama!” One of the babies said. “That old crone?” One of the babies climbed on top of another. “Chief justice Num-num, you’re— you’re spitting up on yourself, now— oh, come on, this is a courtroom! This— This is a dark day for America,” Trembley said, shaking his head as a baby vomited on a different baby.