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Steve was going to kill Mikey O’Malley. As Bucky stumbled down the street, Steve trying to keep him stable with an arm around his back, Steve thought of how he’d do it. Arsenic would be fitting. Mikey had gotten a job down at the docks and periodically managed to liberate a case of booze which he’d inevitably share with Bucky. And then Bucky would drink way too much and this would happen. Steve supporting his ridiculous ass home. Steve was just turning down the alley they always went down to get home when he saw movement in the shadows. And then they heard moaning. “I’ll be damned,” Bucky muttered, as Steve turned them around. Bucky didn’t go with him, squinting into the darkness and holding his ground. “Bucky, let’s go,” Steve hissed. There was a grunt, a slapping sound and Bucky finally followed Steve out of the alley. “You know that was two fellas, right?”“What? It was pitch black. You don’t know that,” Steve said, annoyed and out of breath from lugging Bucky around. “I do know. Your eye sight is terrible. And the sounds were different. You know that’s what’s gonna happen to you if you’re not careful.” “Shut the hell up. We’re almost home.” Steve should leave him here. See what happens to who then.Bucky pauses at the top of the next alley, so much bigger and heavier than Steve that when he stops, Steve has to stop too. Bucky sways gently, looks down at Steve, very, very close indeed and his breath is warm and smells like booze and god it makes Steve hot. How can this be all it would take to make Steve desperate for Bucky? “Were you disgusted?” Bucky asks, still not moving. He knows what Bucky is talking about. Steve isn’t even going to play coy. He wants to get home and the sooner he says whatever it is Bucky wants him to say, the sooner he’ll start moving and the sooner Steve will be warm and cozy in bed with Bucky draped all around him. Maybe he shouldn’t kill Mikey. Handsy Bucky was another thing to be blamed on Mikey’s booze and Steve liked that part a lot. “I don’t actually care one way or another. I couldn’t see it. I don’t know who it was and maybe it’s about time that alley saw saw a little love instead of—”“Your blood flying all around it?” Bucky says, half annoyed and half amused. “Sure, Buck. Exactly. Let’s go home.”“Not being disgusted is the first step, Steve. Next thing you know you’ll be down on Brewster Street with all the other fellas who don’t like ladies, seeing how they get it done. Drawing pictures, starting a conversation and then who knows where it will end up.” If Steve let on how angry he was getting, Bucky would think Steve was overly invested, might count it as proof that he’s right to be concerned. He sighs heavily instead, gets his grip around Bucky’s waist a little tighter as he leads them home. They get up the steps and Steve tries to find his key. “You don’t got anything to say?” Bucky demands, watching Steve as he pats down his pockets. “You’re drunk. You’re being obnoxious. I’m going to let you sleep it off and in the morning you’ll apologize for saying something mean.”Bucky reaches into his own pocket, pulls out the key, hands it to Steve, fingers warm and large. “I’m not trying to be mean.” “I know. But, you are,” he says, sighing.“She was nice. She was pretty. She could have been Mrs. Rogers.” Steve sighs. “Jesus, that’s the thing that’s so annoying. You can’t just get two single people together and have them like each other. You liked that girl and she liked you. But, you both just have random friends who really had very little likelihood of finding the other attractive. And now you’re annoyed and blaming me as if it’s the end of the damned world. Because you’re drunk and scared because I don’t like some girl… and she certainly didn’t like me. You need to drop it. I don’t want any more double dates. I’m serious.” Steve gets into the kitchen to heat up water. They both need some tea before bed or Bucky will be a mess tomorrow. “And you didn’t even like the girl you went there to meet, which actually proves my point,” he says. Bucky touches his shoulder. “Shit! I didn’t realize you were behind me,” he says, startled. He puts the water on the hob while Bucky murmurs a slurred sorry. “What if you drank more? You might like them then,” Bucky says. “People drink and they get all worked up,” he says, and his gaze is on Steve’s face, goes down Steve’s body and back up again. Steve snorts. “Maybe you should be worried about ending up in that alley.” “Maybe I should. Don’t let me drink whatever that was, again. What’d he says it was? Tekwila? There was a worm in the bottle. Did you see that?”“I did see that. It’s why I didn’t drink it.” He gets their mugs set up and puts mint tea in the teapot. “It was exotic, Steve. Once in a lifetime chance to try something like that.”“I very much doubt you’ll never be presented with it again.” “Did you see that guy on his knees? The other one was getting his dick sucked, Steve.”God, this night needed to end, Steve thought. “Happily enough, I didn’t see it. I didn’t hang around to look.”“You ever think about a girl’s mouth on you like that?”“Nope,” he says, because it’s easier to answer then it is to ignore him. Bucky gets like a dog with a bone sometimes. Just won’t let stuff go. Especially not when he’s drunk.“How about fucking? Do you ever think about what’s in a girl’s drawers?”Why is it taking so long for the water to boil? “Not really.”“What about kissing? You’ve gotta think about that. At least a little. Right?”“I like the idea of swapping spit just as much as I like the idea of that worm in the bottle,” Steve mutters. “I’m sure there’s an appeal, but hell if I know what it is.” “Don’t describe it like that again. That’s gross.” Steve shrugs. “It ain’t wrong,” he says, and the kettle whistles. Fucking, finally. He pours the water into the teapot. Now he has to wait for it to steep. Great. “It is wrong. You should let me kiss you.” Steve takes a deep breath, sighs heavily. Why is this his life? “No, I shouldn’t. You’re just drunk.”“I am drunk. That’s true. But, it’s a good idea. I’m sure of it. And I kiss better drunk anyway.” Steve snorts. “Sure, Buck.” “You don’t even know what you’re missing. Once you know, you’ll want it.” Bucky is an idiot. He turns to face him. “You want me to kiss you so I don’t wind up a guy who likes other guys? Isn’t that like giving booze to someone so they don’t become an alcoholic?”Bucky’s brows pull together as he thinks through what Steve has said. “It’s different.”“How?” Steve demands. Bucky licks his lips. He’s looking at Steve’s mouth again. “Don’t know. It is, though.”Steve rolls his eyes. “Come on, Steve. Let me show you,” he says, hand hot and heavy on Steve’s shoulder, sliding down his arm. He tries to tug Steve closer. “No, Bucky.” And he means it. He pulls his arm away and stares at the tea pot. Pours them both cups and takes them to the rickety table. He sits down, cheeks flushed, cock hardening. He isn’t saying no because he’s disgusted or uninterested, he’s saying no because Bucky is the most beautiful person Steve has ever met. Bucky is the love of his life. The idea of getting kissed by him, held by him… Steve doesn’t know how he’d stop himself from wanting more, from touching and trying to get more and more. Bucky would press his lips to Steve’s and Steve would probably try to grind his dick against Bucky, just rut against him until he makes a mess everywhere because he wants him so bad. Bucky sits down across from him. “Are you mad?” Bucky asks, quietly. “No. Just don’t think you should have more of the worm drink if he offers it to you. Gin made your dad mean. That Mexican drink makes you lecherous.”“Tekwila.” Bucky supplies. Steve shakes his head. He doesn’t think that’s it but he wasn’t paying all that much attention. The worm really distracted Steve at a key moment. Maybe it is Tekwila. Who cares?They drink their tea in silence. Bucky staring into his mug. Embarrassed. Steve doesn’t know how he feels. Sad? He knew Bucky hadn’t thought of him the same way Steve did. But, sometimes, he’d thought maybe Bucky felt a little bit like Steve did. Now he knows Bucky is so unaffected by Steve that he’d kiss him on a whim. And that’s definitely worse. When it would mean everything to Steve, was this huge giant secret longing inside of Steve, and Bucky just didn’t care at all, either way.He drank a big swig of his tea, tongue burning, and stood up for bed. He left the room, brushed his teeth, got under the covers and pretended to sleep. Bucky stumbled in twenty minutes later, the springs groaning as he lay down. “Freezing to death doesn’t punish me, you know,” Bucky murmurs, into his pillow.“Yeah, it would. You’d be lost without me.”Bucky doesn’t say anything. Time passes. Steve knows they’re both awake. “So, you’re mad at me?” Bucky asks. Steve rubs his fingers along the edge of the scratchy blanket while he thinks about what to say. “I don’t think so. I might be in the morning, but I’m not right now. I just don’t….” Bucky waits. He turns on his side, scoots closer, arm around Steve’s waist. He’s so warm, so hot and familiar and good. He smells of toothpaste, booze and clean sweat and Steve can’t hardly stand it. “You shouldn’t play with that, is all. It’s a big deal to people. Romance and kissing, sex, that’s all… I do think about it, Buck. I don’t need you harassing me and letting me know how easy it is for you to want anything that moves.”“That’s not what I was trying to do.” Steve stiffens. Bucky presses his forehead to Steve’s neck and exhales shakily. It makes Steve shiver and he’s so hard there’s no way he’s going to be able to sleep until he takes care of it. “I wasn’t trying to harass you or make fun of you.” “What were you trying to do?” Steve asks, glad it’s dark. “I guess I just wanted to show you,” Bucky says, softly. “Because you think I want it or because you pity me?”There’s a long silence. “I guess it’s easier if I think it’s outta pity, but I think it’s because I want that with you. I know stuff. If I show you then you won’t be surprised when the right girl comes along. Maybe you’ll try to find her sooner rather than later because it’s nice and feels good.”Steve sighs. “What would you show me?”Bucky’s forehead presses into his neck even harder. “Now you’re making fun of me.”Steve frowns. “I don’t think I am. It’s just… if you kissed me or whatever and you liked it as much as you do with a girl, then that’s one thing, but just being kissed by someone who’s going through the motions. Bucky, I don’t want that,” he says, voice trembling. Because the emotions are finally catching up with him. He isn’t mad. He’s sad and lonely and maybe a little heartbroken that they’re even having this conversation. All hypothetical and passionless.“Fuck. Stevie, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he whispers, mouth against Steve’s skin. “Please don’t cry. I want it. That’s why and I’m sorry. I just wanted to kiss you so bad. Sometimes it’s all I think about. It wasn’t to make fun or because you mean nothing to me. I was just… looking for the angle, I guess.”Steve can’t move. “Are you lying?”“No.” “You want to kiss me like a girl?”“Yeah, I do,” he says.“Then you should,” Steve says, feeling reckless. “Then you’ll stop harassing me and this will go away?”“Will you be mad, after?”“If you’re doing it because you want me, then no, I won’t be mad. If you’re doing it to teach me something about how I should want girls like you want girls, then yeah, I’ll be really, really mad.” “How do I make sure you know I want you and it’s not about…girls?”“Well, I don’t know, do I? You’re the one with experience,” Steve huffs.“What if… what if it’s too much? You might be mad if I go too far,” Bucky asks, and he trails his fingers along Steve’s arm, up and down. Steve bites back a gasp. “I’ll only be upset if I think you don’t want me. If it’s out of pity. If you want me like a girl, then just. Do that.”And then Steve is on his back, Bucky’s hand is on Steve’s jaw and he turns his head, lets the pressure of Bucky’s fingers guide him. He licks his lips in anticipation. He can’t hardly see Bucky in the dark but the shadow of him is so big and he knows Bucky’s eyes are open. Steve reaches up to him, hand on Bucky’s face, touching the stubble of his cheek, letting his finger touch the divot in his chin which he’s wanted to do for forever. Bucky kisses him softly, his lips warm and soft. Damp. He’s in love. In love with Bucky’s mouth and he hasn’t had more that the softest press of lips against his own. Steve lifts his head up, pressing closer, moans in surprise and he feels Bucky smile, lips opening gently and pressing against Steve’s lower lip. Bucky moves closer, his hand drags Steve closer by the hip and Steve whimpers at the touch, the rough pull that makes it feel like Bucky needs him urgently. “Stevie,” he whispers and his tongue slides along the seam of Steve’s mouth. Steve opens and Bucky is kissing him. He tastes of booze and he’s hot inside as Steve presses his tongue into Bucky’s mouth. It’s weird and wrong. His dick is so hard it aches. He pulls Bucky closer, moans in relief when Bucky’s hip presses against his cock. Bucky pauses, pulls back just a little to look down at him. “How long have you been hard?”Panic swamps him. Bucky will know. Put it together that Steve has desired him this whole time. He’s got to get out of here. He tries to push at Bucky’s shoulder but Bucky is kissing him again, slides over him completely, the bed swallowing him, keeping him pinned under Bucky’s heavy weight and he’s hard too. Not just hard but he’s big, the shape and weight of him, has Steve trying to open his legs, wanting to give Bucky somewhere soft to press against. Wanting him closer. Bucky hesitates as Steve’s legs come open and his thighs press against his hips. “Stevie, this is going to get away from me pretty fast if you don’t slow down.”He doesn’t even know what that means, but the strained tone in Bucky’s voice, the way his hips suddenly grind down, that massive cock pressing into Steve’s taint and against his hole feels so good. Steve is on fire. He’s desperate, beginning to tremble. There is no slowing down. No stopping. How dare Bucky even suggest it. He opens his mouth, licks along Bucky’s jaw, uses his hands to find what he’s looking for and opens his mouth over Bucky’s chin, tasting that divot, moaning into it. “Oh fuck,” Bucky groans and he grabs Steve’s hands and shoves them upwards, spreads his legs and gets hard and tense all over as he rocks his cock hard and desperate against Steve. “God, you’re sweet,” he whispers. “Want you to come, Bucky. Please. You have to.” Steve is begging and trying to help, rocking down and going soft on each thrust, desperate to make it good for Bucky, better than any girl ever could be. He wants it more. Doesn’t that count for something? Can’t his vast need and desperation to have every piece of Bucky, his willingness to be here be enough to make Bucky want him? “Fuck, Steve. Let me treat you right. Let me… I want this to be good for you, too.”“I don’t care. I just want you to want me. That’s it. Come on, Bucky,” he gasps, and he tries to get a hand down, slipping free of Bucky’s grip and grabbing at Bucky’s ass, urging him to rut harder and faster, to give him more. His mouth is hard on Steve’s then, demanding, his knees press into the bed and he grunts as he chases his orgasm in earnest. He kisses Steve’s jaw and his neck and Steve arches his head in pleasure, feels his own cock spasm warningly. Bucky comes in a wet rush, pulsing against Steve’s taint and it makes Steve come with a cry, shuddering and whimpering through it as Bucky tries to milk every drop of pleasure from it that he can. “Jesus. Are you okay?” Bucky asks, voice rough. He nuzzles into Steve’s neck and it makes him break out into goosebumps. Steve laughs. He can’t help it. “What’s so funny?” Bucky demands. “I just can’t help but think that whatever lesson you were trying to teach me, I don’t think I learned it.”“You don’t need to learn anymore lessons,” Bucky murmurs and flops down to his back. “It’s usually longer than that. You just… I got carried away. You can’t just go for it like that, Steve. There’s kissing and touching and stuff that’s supposed to happen in between.” “You sure didn’t seem like you minded while it was happening.” “Well, of course I didn’t. It was fucking incredible. But, I’m just saying, I know how to do it longer, make it better for you if you’d have let me.”“Sounds to me like you’re wanting to try again.”There’s a long moment of silence. “It was supposed to be a kiss, Steve. So, yeah, maybe we try it again, but it can’t be like that,” he says, sounding almost afraid. “We’ll go slower. I don’t want to be some selfish jerk.” “Sure, Bucky. Whatever you want,” Steve agrees and gets out of bed to get cleaned up. Bucky gives him a minute and then goes into the bathroom when Steve comes out. His eyes are a little wide and his cheeks are flushed, he’s looking at Steve like he’s never seen him before. “Stevie,” he says, just before they fall asleep. “You know you have nothing to prove, right?”I’ll show you, he thinks, just as he falls asleep.
*** Here’s the thing no one ever seems to understand about Steve Rogers. He might be small and sick, but when he’s not at death’s door, he’s fucking terrifying. He’s a man on a constant quest for danger. He’s a small dog looking to kill a German Shepherd. He doesn’t have an ounce of sense or self-preservation. And when he gets an idea in his mind, then it’s all consuming. It’s going to happen and there isn’t a damned thing anyone can do to stop him. Which is why Bucky is very carefully trying to get out of the house the next morning without waking Steve up. He needs some time to think. He can’t believe he was so stupid. Fucking Tekwila and fucking Mikey and his own stupid fucking self, deciding it was a good idea to get sloshed when he knew full well he wasn’t going to have a good substitute for his inappropriate lust for Steve. And now he’d done something with Steve, something unbelievably mind-blowing that he was desperate to jerk off to, just remembering it, and he was just about positive that Steve was now going to be on a single-minded mission to get that to happen again. And again. And to make Bucky crazy. The idea of making Bucky come like a fumbling teenager probably filled Steve with glee. And Steve was a genius. If he ever made it into the god damned army and they gave him a chance they’d see what a great strategic mastermind he was. The Europeans would be out of the war in no time, Hitler clobbered and killed and strung up a flagpole before god damned Christmas. He very quietly and carefully cuts a chunk of salami and a block of cheese. He gets the bread, wraps it all up and is just creeping quietly to the door when he hears the floor squeak. “Bucky?” Steve asks, voice sleep rough. His heart pounds. Actually pounds, like he’s afraid. Wait? He’s not afraid, is he? “Hey, Stevie. I was trying not to wake you.” “Did you get lunch?” “Yeah, I got it. Are you coming home after work or should we go out?”“Out?” Bucky asks, voice cracking. He clears his throat. “Didn’t Davey and them say they’d be down the pub for Ralph’s birthday?”“You hate Ralph…and Davey,” Bucky says. Jesus, this is a trap. Steve shrugs like he’s an agreeable person. Steve is not an agreeable person. “You like them. And I don’t mind.”Steve fucking does well mind! “Uh, I don’t know. Guess I hadn’t thought about it.” Steve does mind. He always minds, he always has an opinion. “What, um, what do you want to do?”“I think you should come home,” he says, and he drops his gaze and comes closer. All pale and thin limbed and somehow terrifyingly appealing. He gets close to Bucky, slides hands up his chest and leans closer. His head tilts up, huge blue eyes in his pale face, lips still pink from being kissed and nipped the night before and Bucky is reaching for him without thinking about it. His head is lowering and Steve’s mouth is opening and suddenly, somehow, Steve is pressed up against the door and his leg is hitched up around Bucky’s hip and he’s pressing and grinding, one hand on Bucky’s ass, trying to get him to lose his damned mind. And it’s not difficult. “Stevie. Fuck, no. I have to go to— oh, don’t. Steve. Please, stop. Shit,” he mutters and then he’s sucking hard at Steve’s neck and Steve is hard and pushing Bucky back. His hands, clever, perfect fingers are at Bucky’s pants and Steve is opening them up. He’s got a hand on Bucky’s cock and Bucky can’t help but arch up into him. “Here. You can come on me. Please, Bucky. God, yeah, just get me all wet, huh?” he asks, and he’s lifting his shirt, jerking Bucky off and watching as Bucky drops his head forward to Steve’s neck. His hips thrust weakly and Steve makes a sound, presses a kiss to Bucky’s cheek. “That’s right, sweetheart. Let me take care of you before you go to work. So big, Bucky,” he says, kissing the words into Bucky’s ear and Bucky comes, pulls back to watch his come land all over Steve’s stomach. “Jesus Christ,” Bucky whispers, wanting to go back to bed and run away. Who the fuck is this sex fiend and what did he do with Stevie?“Have a good day, Bucky. I’m gonna get cleaned up. Look what a mess you made of me,” he murmurs, lower lip in a pout as he gauges Bucky’s reaction. Steve swipes his fingers through Bucky’s come, smiles when Bucky presses in close to kiss him. How can he not kiss him, after that? He puts his hand down, brushing fingers across Steve’s half-hard cock. He’s all wet. “Stevie?” he asks, because he’s so damned out of it he’s a bit confused. Steve’s face goes bright pink. He shrugs. “I liked it.”“You came, sweetheart?” And that fills Bucky with another rush of terror and affection. It makes his cock twitch, makes him wish he could get hard all over again. Steve nods, presses his face into Bucky’s neck. “I love you, Stevie.” “Do you want to go out or come home tonight?” he asks, blinking almost innocently as he pulls back. “Whatever you want.”“Come home, Buck.” So he does. *** The problem with a mindless job is that it gives Bucky a hell of a lot of time to think. To think about Steve and how he’s always felt about him. About how Steve must feel about Bucky. About the look in Steve’s eyes when he’d come out all sleep rumpled and warm. How determined he’d been. He’d had a plan, which had apparently been to make Bucky spend before he went to work. He thinks of what Steve said the night before, pieces together that maybe they’ve both always felt like this, or felt like this for so long that the starting of it doesn’t really matter. What do they do about that now? Apparently, Steve is decided. Steve is going to pursue this with reckless abandon. If this is going to stop then Bucky is going to need to be the one to stop it. Bucky doesn’t want to stop it. He wants to go home and get his hands on Steve. He wants to feel Steve’s thighs pressing against him and come against his bare skin. And, he doesn’t want to be melodramatic about it, but they’ve known each other since they were kids. Steve is his person. His…everything. Say he met a girl that he wanted to stick with, even though he’d had all these years and that hasn’t happened yet, what would he do, kick Steve out? Get a place with some girl and no Steve? Live with Steve and her? He should get Steve a ring. They can’t get married for real, obviously. And it’s not like Steve could wear it without it raising questions but… but if he’d done this with a girl he was serious about, well, that would be his reaction, wouldn’t it? He’d marry her. He eats lunch and does the math. He gets paid on Friday. Steve’s not had a major illness for a few months and they’ve actually got a fair amount saved up. He could get something. He gets off work and stops by a jewelers, looks in the window at bands and refines the math. Steve would probably want Bucky to have something to. When would they even get to wear it? Maybe it’s a stupid idea. He gets home and he’s already hard and wanting to get his hands on Steve. He’s going to get his mouth on him. He’s going to make Steve lose his damned mind. Steve is sitting on the couch, the lights are off and his head is down. “Jesus Christ, what happened? You sick?”“No. Bucky, I made a mistake. And I won’t do it again. I learned. Okay? And I can be careful. I can. So, don’t freak out or make a big deal,” he says, voice breaking. Is Steve crying?Bucky flicks on the light and Steve turns to him, eye swollen shut, lip split and he’s got a hand on his ribs. “What the fuck happened?” He shakes his head. “Nothing. Please, just….” He’s sobbing and then he cries out and his breath hitches because his ribs hurt and Bucky is holding him, trying to soothe him. “It’s okay. I’ll do whatever you want. I won’t make a big deal out of anything. I promise. I swear. You can tell me and I’ll--”“I just want to not talk about it. If you mean it, don’t ask me.” And his eyes are so blue and sad that Bucky can only agree. He gets Steve to bed, gets him fed and patched up, tucked in cozy and stays by his side, pressing kisses into his hair as he thinks about what must have happened. Who Steve pissed off this time and how. The whole thing doesn’t make all that much sense. Steve loves a fight, but Bucky usually knows when it’s coming. It’s like a storm crackling all around him. He didn’t have that. Which means someone hit Steve. And if Steve doesn’t want to tell Bucky…. “Where were you?” he asks, sometime in the midnight hours when they’re both awake and pretending not to be, because he thinks he knows. “You promised,” Steve says, just as the light is coming in and they’re not saying anything but they both damned well know. Steve closes his eyes since it hurts too much to turn away. Bucky lets it go. He knows and he won’t ask again. Steve wipes a tear off Bucky’s cheek. “Bucky. Please. I’ll never go back there. I’ll never even talk to someone like us again. No one will ever think we’re together.” “Okay, sweetheart. Okay. Did you find out anything good?” he asks. Because they’re both awake. “I don’t know if I should tell you or not.”“It can’t change anything,” Bucky says, flat and toneless. Because it’s done, and they’re done, and they’ll both just have to be miserable for as long as it’s gonna fuckin take. “How dare you make decisions for me. For us.” Bucky has nothing to say to that. In the morning, he gets Steve breakfast and heads to work. He stops by the draft office and signs up, needing some way to stop this once and for all. And then he goes by Brewster Street on his way home. He’s looking for a bully, is pretty sure he’s found him. Some asshole who’s standing off to the side, watching the street. His knuckles are red and split from a fight. He doesn’t know that this is the guy who beat the hell out of Steve, but it’s good enough. It doesn’t last long. And it doesn’t make him feel any better. He gets home and Steve is in the kitchen. His ribs are bound up and his eye is black. His lips is three times the size and he looks like he wants to die. He takes a look at Bucky’s knuckles. “Brown hair?”“No, red.” Steve snorts and then gasps in pain. “The guy who beat me up had red hair.” “Oh. Well, this guy had it coming. Lots of guys like to beat up fairies.” Steve gives him a look. Sad and angry. “Damnit, Bucky. You would have found a way to keep us apart and end it. This is just an excuse. You’re a fucking coward. I told you not to kiss me. I told you we shouldn’t have….” His voice wavers. “I know.” He won’t say it was a mistake. “I got drafted,” he says, looking down. “Fuck you, Bucky. At least be honest.” “Fine. I signed up. At least we’ll get some money out of it. It would have happened soon anyway.”Steve gets up and goes to the bedroom. He comes back and puts a little tin on the couch next to Bucky. It’s from a pharmacy on Brewster Street. “Just so you know what I found out. Turns out I could have taken you like a woman, Buck. If that was something you’d have wanted.” His voice is shaking. Bucky closes his eyes. He doesn’t touch the tin of petroleum jelly. He tries very carefully to not think about what that means. The ramifications of that. Of how it would have felt to be inside Steve that way. How hot and tight he’d have been. How he might have given him a ring and they could have said I do to each other and he could have been inside Steve, had him. “I wouldn’t have wanted to risk hurting you,” he says, roughly. Steve sighs. “Oh, fantastic. So, it really was all for nothing, huh?”Bucky clears his throat. He wonders if he should tell Steve he was thinking about getting him a ring? That he was so damned in love with Steve and ready to be with him until the end of the line that he’d made plans. But, what’s the point? They can’t be together. The proof is in front of him. Steve is going to get hurt. Over and over again if they had carried on.Better it ends now. *** Peggy finds him in a bombed out pub in London. The same bombed out bar they’d been in when the Howling Commandos were formed. Where Peggy had turned up in her red dress and Bucky had flirted with him, leaned in close, asked him to keep the outfit. The same pub where he’d told Steve he’d follow him and not Captain America. Not the pretend exterior or fake hero they wanted him to be but the little guy he’d grown up with. God, what a night that had been. After Peggy had left, he’d even put a hand on Steve’s knee at one point, leaned closer to talk to Steve, warm breath near his ear, beer and the scent of clean sweat and still with a hint of soap and aftershave on him and he’d turned to look at him and all he could think was ‘yes.’ They’d leaned closer and closer, knees knocking, eyes meeting. He’d watched the way Bucky had drunk his beer and licked his lips, he’d gotten so damned hard just sitting there and Bucky had seen. Bucky had known because now Steve was huge and he didn’t know how to deal with it. “Beautiful woman in a red dress. Is that what it takes, Steve?”“Don’t, Buck. I’m here. I didn’t ask to go with her. I didn’t say yes we should go dancing now. I didn’t even invite her to stay for a drink. It’s just you. Always has been and always will be.”“Oh, Stevie,” Bucky says, and he drains his glass. He sets it down on the counter, stares at it for a moment. “I’m not dead. I should be dead,” he says, and burps quietly.Steve reaches for him. A hand on his wrist, meeting his gaze and begging. Steve licks his lips, lets his gaze dip down to Bucky’s crotch. “You almost died. I love you.”Bucky sighs, puts a hand on Steve’s shoulder and squeezes. It’s a dismissal. He’s being rebuffed. Steve reaches out, wraps his hand in Bucky’s shirt, drags him closer, speaks into his ear. “Please. I want you in my mouth. I tasted it, you know.” Bucky jerks back, eyes wide, but Steve is strong and he doesn’t let go. “You went to work and I had a mess on myself and I sucked it all off. That’s what I want. I saved you. You’re mine. That’s mine,” he says, practically a growl, letting Bucky see how much he wants it. He spreads his legs, puts a hand on his own thigh so the outline of his cock is revealed. Just how hard he is for him.Bucky blinks. He tries to chuckle. “It doesn’t work like that, Steve.” But his eyes are dark and he’s hard, too. Steve moves his hand, fingers pressing the head of his cock. Steve lets his eyes close, moans gently. “I could just kiss it. Just the tip. A lick, let me do it until I can have a little taste of you. That’s all I want. Please. After saving you.” Bucky is trying to think of a way to say no. He shifts on his feet. Steve stands up, takes him by the elbow and starts walking to the exit. He says goodbye and doesn’t slow down until they’re outside and walking through the dark. There’s no light anywhere, everything doused and pitch black in case the Germans try to bomb London. But, Steve can see. He pulls Bucky into an alley and turns them so he’s against the wall, not wanting Bucky to feel trapped. He’s touching Bucky instantly, hands on his cock, touching him through his clothing. “Oh fuck. Bucky. Please. Please,” he gasps, and Bucky is all stiff muscles and resistance. He’s so hard and if he can just get a hand on Bucky then it will be fine. Bucky’s hands land on top of his, stopping him. “Stevie,” he says. Saying no. “You don’t love me,” Steve says, stricken. His hands fall away and he covers his face, feels the sob rising in his chest. “Stop. It’s not a good idea. Nothing has changed that.” “That’s not true. We couldn’t because you thought I’d get myself killed. Well, that’s not happening anymore, is it? If we die, it isn’t because I was in the wrong part of town trying to figure out how to make you happy. I won’t get beat up because I’m a fairy and I love you. If I die, it’ll be the Germans and it will likely be the both of us. Maybe it’s tomorrow. Have you thought about that? And you won’t give us tonight? Fuck you, Bucky.” He tries to move but Bucky puts a hand to his chest, shoves him back against the wall. Steve reaches for him, grabs him by his belt and hauls him close. A small sound of want and protest comes from his mouth. Steve kisses his jaw and down to the divot he loves so much, flicks his tongue against it and finds his lips. He presses his tongue into Bucky’s mouth and finally gets Bucky’s pants open. “Fuck. I have to know. I just need to,” he whispers, and Bucky lets him switch their places, lets himself get pushed to the back of the wall and Steve slips down. He shoves his face into Bucky’s groin, rubbing his mouth and his nose, his closed eyes in his groin, kissing him everywhere he can reach. The crease of his thigh and up and down the shaft. He gets it into his mouth and sucks, tastes bitterness and fumbles with his own pants, terrified he’s going to come in them and how does he explain that? Steve groans too loud as he gets himself out, two quick jerks of his cock and he’s coming, just breathing Bucky in and mouthing at the head. “Oh my god, Bucky. Bucky. So fucking good,” he gasps, and he lets himself go and uses both hands to get Bucky into his mouth and to touch his stomach and his balls, his thighs and his ass. He wants to worship him from head to foot. A hand lands in his hair, fists tightly and tries to pull him back. Steve presses forward, choking himself and Bucky comes in Steve’s mouth, pulling and trying to drag him away as he pulses copiously. Steve swallows and lets Bucky soften in his mouth. He pulls off, presses kisses to Bucky’s groin in thanks and hesitates. “I’m…Since the serum I always come at least twice. Can I… I just want to stay here and have you close while I—” Steve’s voice breaks. He can’t believe he’s so pathetic, asking for that. But, this is Bucky and any scrap he can have, he wants. “Come here, sweetheart,” Bucky whispers. Steve pushes to his feet, presses close and Bucky grabs him, hands sliding up his neck to his jaw, pulling him in for a kiss. Steve whimpers with joy at Bucky kissing him. “I love you. Bucky. I thought you were gone,” he says, and then he’s crying into Bucky’s neck. “Oh, Stevie. It’s okay. I’m here. You saved me.” Bucky laughs, wetly. “Of course you did. No one has ever been more determined and reckless than you,” he says, kissing him over and over again. Bucky fumbles in his pocket, puts a handkerchief over the head of Steve’s cock and jerks him off, easy and slow. All he can do is moan and struggle to not come as Bucky talks to him. How brave Steve is, how beautiful and perfect. That he smells the same and kisses the same and tastes the same. “I’m going to come.” “Good. You deserve it, baby. Come on now,” he says, and Steve nods, helpless to resist coming hard into Bucky’s handkerchief. They held hands as they walked through town. The only time they really could since it was so dark and quiet. It was probably the best night of his life. And now Bucky is gone. He’ll get rid of Hydra and that’s it. He’s done. He almost wants to tell Peggy that he can’t go on without him. But, he wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to stop him. Locked him up or something. Tried to help him. He doesn’t need help. He needs to be with Bucky.Peggy sighs. “What is that drink? Tequila? What in god’s name is that?” He can’t get drunk. She tells him to respect Bucky’s decision. Which decision? It isn’t just one. There’s the decision to not be together which is how Bucky wound up here anyway. There’s the decision to not go home and to help Steve lead these men and fight Hitler. There’s the decision to end it, again, after they left London, which kind of killed Steve more and more each day. And there’s the decision to protect Steve that cost him his life. And then there’s Steve’s decision. To love Bucky too much and to always need him there and want him. Which meant he didn’t let well enough alone, and didn’t let Bucky go back to the states even though he was a fucking mess after being captured. Which meant Steve wanted him there on that train and he couldn’t even catch him. “All I had to do was hold him.” She has nothing to say to that. What he’s saying, without really saying it, is that he wouldn’t be alive now if it weren’t for Bucky. He shouldn’t be alive without Bucky, and he doesn’t want to be alive without Bucky. As strong and brave as he is on the outside and to everyone who looks at him, the truth of the matter is that he’s always needed to be saved. He hates it. But, it’s true. And the only person he’s ever let save him is gone.
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Sam should have been more suspicious about Steve Rogers than he was. It’s not his fault, though The man is a hero. He’s myth and legend brought to life. He looks like a Greek hero (but blonde)He’s built like a truck and has sad, sad eyes, that lure a man in. And maybe Sam should have spent a little longer trying to figure out what exactly gave Steve Rogers such a hound dog look, but he’d thought it was the obvious stuff—waking up in the future and everyone he knew was dead and gone. The fact that the world had changed. Plus, he’d heard about the tragic love story of Steve Rogers and Peggy Carter.Plenty of reasons for the man to be depressed.But, Sam is wiser now, more experience and he knows those things have very little do with why Steve Rogers is as depressed as he is.No. It’s all because of Bucky Barnes and the fact that Steve Rogers is deeply and hopelessly in love with a man Steve believed to be long dead. They were more than just friends.Way, way more.The first clue was when they were being transported to their death by that dick Rumlow, Natasha bleeding out beside Sam in the back of a van, and all Steve could talk about was Bucky.He knew Bucky.Bucky didn’t know him.Tragic. More so if they weren’t about to die and Natasha wasn’t bleeding out beside him.Steve hadn’t been focused on the real dangers. It was odd. A shock. Oddly careless considering how much Steve cared about Natasha, but the big reveal that Bucky was alive was shocking enough that Sam hadn’t thought too much about it.He’d let it go.But then there’d been the hunt for Bucky after SHIELD went down. The dozens of nights where he’d woken up to Steve crying out at 3am because Bucky was falling from a train, or leaving Steve behind, or…. Well, it turns out that not all those gasps in the night were from nightmares.Sometimes, Steve would have sex dreams about Bucky Barnes. And he was loud enough Sam would get woken up.Sam tried to get his own room whenever he could once he’d figured out what exactly was happening one bed over.And then they’d caught up with Bucky in Romania, and Steve had been desperate to get Bucky alone, and that had made sense because they had stuff to say to each other and Bucky was clearly unstable and unpredictable and less people around might be better.That wasn’t why Steve wanted to get Bucky alone. Oh no. Steve wanted to get Bucky alone because he wanted to put the moves on him. Frankly, Sam hadn’t even realized Steve had game.But, when it comes to Bucky, he does.The first blow job happened in a warehouse. They should have been getting information, but first they’d needed to ‘talk.’ Sam had let them. He’d heard Bucky moaning through the large empty space.Unbelievable.And then there was the rescue from the Raft. They hadn’t gone straight to Wakanda because Steve had needed to make a quick stop. At a store. He’d bought lube and tequila.As if Wakanda wouldn’t have lube! Or Tequila! As if that couldn’t wait until after they’d all had a shower and a debrief!Nobody saw Steve or Bucky for three full days. And when Steve finally did show up, he was wearing a turtleneck, had a bit of a limp, and he refused to sit down. He also looked relaxed. His default expression was a smile.When Bucky’d finally shown up there’d been so much man spreading and eyeing of Steve’s backside that Sam had been embarrassed for the both of them. And maybe jealous.Now it’s two months later and they’re on their way back to Wakanda because the trigger words are apparently gone, and Bucky will be coming out of cryo. Steve bought more tequila and more lube.“Sam, I’m gonna need at least a week,” Steve says, as they get off the plane.“You take whatever time you need.”It’s longer than a week. It’s longer than a month.When Sam finally sees Steve again it’s been a full two months and he’s wearing a wedding ring.His smile is so wide and infectious that Sam can’t help but grin back at him.Little did Sam know that Steve Rogers has no chill. Not when it comes to Bucky Barnes.