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[Ben: Well, hi!][Armie: Hello to you too.][Armie: I don't mean to be rude but what is a priest doing on a dating app?][Ben: ...a what app?][Armie: Dating.][Ben: Um, okay, this is REALLY embarrassing. But...]Armie waited. He was confused and thus intrigued when Ben's profile came up while he was swiping through possible matches. The priest get-up had to be some kind of joke or something.[Ben: I thought this was an app to make friends.][Armie: LMAO well, it's certainly a place to do THAT and more, if you know what I mean.][Ben: Oh, I get your meaning ☹][Armie: But now I have to know why a priest feels a need to reach out into the void to find new friends?][Ben: Well, let's just say you’re the first person who’s matched with me :( I mean, people see you're a priest and they kind of run the other way.][Ben: Or like to make pedophilia jokes >:l][Armie: I can see how that'd be frustrating][Ben: So, now comes MY question.][Armie: Yes?][Ben: What possessed you to click on the profile of a priest if you knew this was a dating app?][Armie: To be perfectly honest...][Armie: I was intrigued. I wasn't sure if it was some kind of joke or what][Ben: Nope, just my absolute ignorance lol][Armie: So, what kinds of things would you like to do with a new friend?][Armie: And I do mean a new friend, not a new "friend" lmao][Ben: LOL well, I was hoping to find someone who would join me for some community classes.][Ben: I like doing the classes they host at Maker Space. They have a painting class coming up that I think would be neat.][Armie: You want someone to take a painting class with you?! Lol][Ben: Something wrong with that?][Armie: No. Just amused me. Seems like an odd request lol][Armie: Have you taken classes there before?][Ben: A few. I'm still pretty new to the area. I took their jewelry making class last month; it was actually really fun.][Armie: And the next one is painting?][Ben: Yeah, it's supposed to be a Bob Ross style painting. They have a certified instructor teaching it.][Armie: Are you much of an artist?][Ben: *shrug* I've done coloring books since I was little ;) lol but honestly, I've never done much in the way of art before, so it should be a fun new experience]Armie couldn't believe what he was about to do. He took a deep breath as he typed out his message.[Armie: So, when is this class?][Ben: Thursday next week.]Armie licked his lips. He must be crazy deciding to go out with a priest![Armie: Well, I wouldn't be opposed to joining a new friend at said class if you were still looking for someone to go with.][Ben: :D Really?! Sweet! It's at 6pm][Armie: Perhaps we can go out for dinner afterward.][Armie: Just as friends, of course.][Armie: Unless you wanted to go out as more than just friends ;) lol][Ben: LOL I think just as friends is fine by me][Armie: :( must say I'm a bit disappointed jk lol][Ben: Hahaha right. Well, I'll see you Thursday. If you're down I wouldn't mind chatting again between now and then.]Armie stared at the man's picture again. He WAS handsome, but there was obviously never going to be anything more between them. His thumbs flew across the keys quickly.[Armie: I'd really like that actually.]***Ben felt like an idiot for not realizing that the app Friend Maker wasn't for making actual friends but for "special" friends, as it were. He felt very lucky with Armie though; he seemed very kind and down to earth.He'd been lonely since moving to the area, called to lead at a new church. The Senior Pastor didn't seem too keen on a lot of his "new-age" ideas, as he called them. Ben just understood the younger parishioners; they didn't want the stogey old ways that continued to push people away from the Christian faith. No, they wanted love and acceptance; the kind that Christ taught in his time. Ben strove to do that.When he wasn't at the church, working, he was filling his time with charity work. Lately, he found himself returning to help at the local halfway house for at risk foster teens. He'd recently been drawn to a young woman there, a girl about fourteen. Rey was headstrong despite her being orphaned at a young age. She'd been passed around from foster home to foster home since losing her parents, never making it easy on the foster parents she was placed with. Her willful spirit and anger reminded him of himself at that age."I brought you something," he said as he sat on the opposite side of the sofa she sat on in the common room. She looked at him through her heavily mascaraed lashes, unimpressed. She didn't say anything in reply. He extended the gift to her. "I saw this and thought of you. I used to listen to them when I was your age."She accepted it begrudgingly. "No one listens to CDs anymore. Get with the times."Ben gave a half smile. "Poe said YOU still do. Said you use the stereo out here whenever you get the chance.""Yeah, well, Poe needs to mind his own business."Ben sat back in his seat. "You DO realize that you ARE his business, right? It's part of the requirements for running this joint." She rolled her eyes and looked away, back at the notebook in her hand. Ben sighed. He understood the anger she felt; life had handed her nothing but pain. "What are you writing?""My hit list," she answered, not looking up. "Priests who use me as a charity case to get more points with God are at the top."Ben sighed. She was just lashing out because she was angry. Better for it to be directed at him than at someone who may retaliate. "First list I think I've ever made the top of," he joked. "Though I'm pretty sure I was number one on my uncle's list of nephews he wanted to strangle for being stupid."Rey looked up at him then. "What you do that was stupid?"Ben smiled mischievously. "A LOT of shit."Rey smiled. "Are you even allowed to talk like that?"Ben looked around pseudo-nervously then leaned forward and whispered. "I won't tell God if YOU don't," he joked then gave her an exaggerated wink. Rey giggled. Ben truly hoped he'd be able to be a solid anchor for her.
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Armie wasn't sure why he was agonizing over what to wear, but he must have tried on three different shirts before he settled for a simple blue button-up. He sighed. "It's not like this is a date or anything," he reminded himself aloud. He and Ben had texted off and on through the week and he was really enjoying their conversations, but now that they were going to meet face to face, he was getting anxious.He'd matched with someone else that night after matching with Ben, making the night not a total loss. But even as he lay in the bed of a stranger, letting them fuck him senseless, all he could think about was Ben. The man was beautiful, with piercing brown eyes and thick dark hair he wanted to run his fingers through. He almost sighed his name aloud as he came with the other man. As soon as they were both satisfied, he left, but he felt even more empty than he had before.He was looking forward to spending time with Ben. Having a friend around would be nice for a change. He rarely had time for leisure it seemed; he was a paralegal at his father's law firm and when he wasn't there at the office, he was studying to take the LSAT. He wanted so badly to become a lawyer, to prove to his father he was capable and smart, not the worthless, weak-willed child he'd always complained him to be.Armie waited outside, smoking a cigarette to pass the time. He didn’t want to go inside without Ben, he was after all, the invited, not the inviter. He was in the middle of blowing out a puff of smoke when he heard an unfamiliar voice call to him. "Armie?" He turned to the voice and saw him. Ben was even more handsome in person. He was still in his black shirt with white collar, indicating his profession, but seeing him in the warm light of day was awe striking.He smiled. "Ben?"Ben offered a kind smile in return. "Yeah. I wasn't sure you were actually gonna come.""Why wouldn't I?"He shrugged, staring down at his feet sheepishly. "I don't know. I mean, it wouldn't be the first time I've been trolled on the internet.""I’m sorry, people suck. But honestly, I've been looking forward to this all week. I'm in need of a distraction."Ben looked up, meeting his eyes with a concerned expression. "Why? Everything okay?"Armie shrugged. "Just life in general." He dropped the cigarette and crushed it under the heel of his shoe. "Shall we?"Armie followed Ben inside. It was a large room, set up with several chairs and easels. A woman greeted them at the door warmly. "Hi, welcome in. Are you pre-registered for the class tonight?""Yes, it should be two under Ben Solo."She typed away on her computer. "We've got you signed in. You'll be at stations 3 and 4. The instructor should be in shortly. Enjoy!"Ben smiled back at her. "Thank you." He and Armie made their way to their place. Ben looked at him as he spoke, "So, you obviously know what I do for a living," he joked. "What about you?""Oh, um, I'm a paralegal," he answered. He had no desire to add that it was his father's law firm, it wasn't like he'd gotten the job based on nepotism. No, in fact, his father, Brendol Hux, the Jr partner of Brooks, Hux, and Pryde Law had been against his son joining the firm."Be grateful to Mason and Enric," he told him when he'd informed his son he'd gotten the job as a paralegal. "They see some sort of potential in you or something."Armie felt his heart swell with pride; this was his chance to truly prove himself to his father, to make him proud of him. "I won't let you down, father," he assured him.Brendol scoffed. "I'm sure you will.""Paralegal? That must be fun."Armie shrugged. "I certainly enjoy my work. I'm not sure I’d describe it as 'fun' but I do like what I do.""What got you interested in law?"He sighed, he supposed there was no way of avoiding discussing his father after all. "My father is a lawyer and both his parents were. It sort of runs in the family, I suppose.""What about your mom? She a lawyer too?" he joked."No, she was actually a cook," Armie answered plainly."That's cool. Were you ever interested in following her footsteps instead?""It's complicated," he answered. "And what about you, what brought you into the priesthood?"Ben grew quiet. "It's kind of a heavy subject for a first meeting," he answered, a sadness coloring his tone."I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up anything negative."Ben shook his head. "It's alright. It's just not something to get into with a brand-new friend."Armie smiled. "That's fair."The class had filled up and the instructor finally came out. "Thank you for coming out tonight. We're very excited to have gotten such an interest in our class here today. So, as Bob would say, go ahead and drag out your paints and paint along with us today." They were instructed on how to use the pallet they we're provided and how to put their paints on it. The classroom was silent as they listened and followed along bringing the blank canvas to life.Ben stole glances over at Armie as they painted. It was obvious how hesitant he was in each of his brush strokes; Ben assumed he was a perfectionist by nature. He scootched his chair closer. "You're holding your brush too tight. Here, like this." He put his hand over his and helped him loosen his grip and maneuvered his fingers so he was holding it more gently. He kept his hand over his while they put on the next couple of strokes of paint. "Like that."Armie looked over at him, his throat tightening. His hand was soft and warm over his. "Uh, thanks. Are you sure you've never done this before? You're really good."Ben smiled as he let go of his hand and moved back to his own painting. "My first time."He looked at Ben's painting. "Well, you're a natural."He smiled over at him. "Thanks."Armie tried to tell his heart to still; the other man’s hand on his didn’t mean anything, no matter how good it might have felt. The man was a priest! Even if he’d WANTED anything to happen between them, nothing ever would.There wasn’t much opportunity to talk during the class, the instructor moving along at a brisk pace, so Ben was looking forward to dinner afterward. Armie seemed so nice, he could see them becoming friends; and a friend was something Ben needed at the moment.He’d been asked to come to this town to help revive a well-established parish. It had thrived from when it was first opened in 1978 until the early 2000s. Since then, the congregation had slowly dwindled, some from families moving or the death of elderly parishioners, but also because there simply were fewer and fewer people interested in joining an organized religion of any kind.Ben had been very successful alongside two other priests he’d worked with while in Pennsylvania, but out here on the other side of the country it was no easy task. Ben knew that outreach was what made them successful back home and tried to do the same in his new parish. Of course, the current Reverend Father who resided there was NOT pleased with how he wanted to ‘change’ the way they did things.“I’m interested in what you have to say, Father Ben,” the bishop said to him during a meeting.Ben licked his lips nervously. “In Pennsylvania, we did a LOT with the community. Quarterly, we had a Meet and Greet of the clergy that was open to the community. It encouraged new comers to investigate our beliefs without feeling any pressure from proselytizing. One year we even put together an event with some of the other Christian sects, we had bishops and pastors and priests from Methodist, Baptist, and LDS churches. It really gave the community the chance to not feel anxiety over looking inward and trying to figure out what they personally believed.”The bishop nodded. “Interesting. You worked with other churches often?”Ben nodded. “Quite often. Not just other Christian faiths either. We had a Buddhist monk come and give a sermon once; it was very enlightening.”“You may have done things so openly where you’re from,” came the voice of the older priest from his parish, “but here we have a very straightforward way of doing things. No need to get mixed up with what others believe.”“Perhaps THAT’S why you don’t have anyone joining the church, Father Krennic,” Ben pointed out. “Or have so many who no longer have interest. If we just-”“We have ALWAYS done things this way and we will CONTINUE to do things this way. No need to rewrite the Bible, boy.”Ben bit his tongue. There was no point in arguing with the older man; he was set in his ways and the idea of trying something new was not appealing.Bishop Erso looked back at Ben. “Things ARE done differently out here, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take your ideas into consideration,” he offered with a kind smile. “You and I can discuss some of those ideas in private before out next meeting.”Ben nodded. “Yes, Your Excellency.”He’d continued looking for ways to do charity work and kept himself busy with anything he could find to enrich his mind. He was grateful the city he was in had local classes open to the public. He’d become a regular at Maker Space since he had found it exited.“And to close with the words of Bob, happy painting and God bless,” the teacher said at the end of the class.Ben looked over at Armie. “So, how do you like your painting?”Armie looked it over again and again. It was a beautiful landscape with trees and a waterfall, but through all its majesty, all he could see were the mistakes he made. He’d made one of his trees too thick at the top, so when he’d tried to fix it by adding thickness to the base, it ended up looking out of place and bulky. His water didn’t feel like it flowed well enough and the mix he’d done for the bushes just didn’t sit right. He sighed, “It’s alright.” He now looked at Ben’s. “Yours is perfect! Are you sure you’ve never done this before?”Ben smiled. “I’m more than sure.” He paused. “They said we can pick them up later, so we can let them dry. Still interested in grabbing dinner?”“Sure,” he followed Ben back outside. “Where would you like to go?”“There’s a diner just up the street I’ve frequented. Tico’s Diner. If that’d work for you?”Armie paused. He was already majorly out of his comfort zone having gone out for an activity he’d never done before. He could feel his anxiety trying to overload his system. He took a deep breath. “Well, I’m…”Ben looked at him with concern. “We don’t have to, we can go wherever you’d like.”Armie continued to take deep breaths. “I’ll be alright,” he said under his breath, trying to reassure himself. He looked up and met Ben’s eyes. “Yeah, we can go.”Ben searched his eyes. “You’re sure? You kind of seem like you’re freaking out.”He flexed his hands a few times at his side, easing the muscles he could feel tensing as he continued to take deep breaths. “I’ll be alright. I’ll be alright.” He paused. “New places can be difficult for me…” He looked down in shame and added in a near whisper, “I suffer from panic attacks.”“Oh!” Ben seemed to be spurred into action at this statement. He stood directly in front of Armie. “Can I hold your hands? Give them here.” He met Ben’s gaze again and placed his hands in his open palms. “You’re very brave,” he told him. “Meeting a stranger for the first time and doing something you haven’t done before, that takes so much courage and I’m so proud of you. If you want to go to Tico’s we can. I’ve been there before, so I know it’s safe. I promise you, you’ll be okay. You’re always safe with me. I will never let anything harm you.”Armie stared into his eyes for a moment longer. He could feel his heart beat slowing to a regular pace. Ben’s soft hands felt so strong as they held his. He took another deep breath. “I hope you don’t mind my saying this, but you have very pretty eyes.”Ben smiled; it made his eyes crinkle at the ends. “Thank you. Yours aren’t too bad either. So, do you still want to try out Tico’s? We could go somewhere you’re more comfortable if you’d like.”He took one more deep breath. “I think I’ll be alright. We can go.”Ben nodded. “Okay.” He squeezed his hands gently before letting them go and heading down the street to their destination. He continued to hold Armie’s left hand in his right as they walked. Once they’d reached the diner, he’d let go as they walked in.“Evening, Father,” the waitress at the front offered with a smile.He smiled at her sweetly. “You can just call me Ben. Unless you’ve decided you’re gonna start coming to church, I’m not your reverend.”She gave him another smile. “Whatever you say, Father. Two of you tonight?”“Yep, this is my new friend, Armie. Armie, this is Rose, she and her sister, Paige own and operate the place.”“Fancy way of saying we work hard for very little pay.” She grabbed a couple of menus. “Follow me.” She led them to a table near the window. She took their drink orders and left to help another customer who had come in.“So, how OFTEN do you frequent this place?”“I usually come here after taking the classes at Maker Space. So, every other week at least.”Rose came back with their drinks. “Probably still need a minute?”Ben looked across to Armie. “I have a regular here, so the question really falls to you.”Armie blinked and looked down at the menu, then he looked up, meeting Ben’s gaze with a challenging one. “You know what, I’ll have whatever you’re having.”Ben smiled mischievously. “You sure about that? You don’t even know what I’m having.”“Then I’ll be surprised, now won’t I?” He looked at Rose and said, “I’ll have whatever Ben’s having, and a side salad with ranch.”She took the menus from them. “Be right back.”As she walked away, Armie looked back at Ben. “I just made a huge mistake, haven’t I? You probably order something like liver and onions, don’t you?”Ben chuckled then leaned back in his chair. “Nah, I’m a burger and fries kind of guy and I don’t like onions.”Armie laughed in turned. “Well, glad to know it was a safe choice.”“So, what would you be doing tonight if you weren’t hanging out with a priest?” he asked as he took a sip of his water.“Probably trying to get a guy to pick me up at a bar so I could go home with him and have sex.”Ben choked on his water, sputtering. “Oh.”Armie laughed. “Sorry, was that too blunt?”“No,” he replied as he grabbed a napkin to wipe his mouth. “Just caught me off guard. Wasn’t expecting it.”“Sorry, I’m not used to having to tone down my crassness. I’ll be better around you, I promise. But seriously, I’d probably be exhausted from studying, so I’d be going out to a bar to relax and since I’m lonely I’d likely be looking for a hook up.”“Do you do that a lot?” Ben asked. “I mean, not that it’s any of my business.”Armie shrugged. “It’s just who I am. I’ll be honest, I REALLY like having sex.” He got quiet. “And sometimes it feels like it’s the only way I can really connect with people.” He took a sip of his water and stared down at his napkin.“Do you feel like that’s all you have to offer?” Ben asked curiously.Armie shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe? I don’t know. Sometimes being physical is just easier than trying to actually have a relationship.” He continued to stare down at the table. “Maybe being physical IS all I have to offer; I don’t know.”Ben shook his head. “I don’t think so. I mean, I know we’ve only just met, but you seem really cool to me. I like how open and honest you are. I mean, it’s kind of striking at first, but it’s also really refreshing; you know what you get with you, there’s no hiding or pretense. I think sometimes we hide who we really are because we’re scared we won’t be accepted. And sometimes we just try to do what’s expected of us so we don’t stand out and draw any negative attention to ourselves.”“You seem to have a pretty good understanding of people,” Armie commented.Ben grinned. “Well, I got my bachelor’s in psychology and human behavior. I’ve had some opportunities to put it into practice with members from my congregation at times.”“Do ALL priests have a bachelor’s in psychology?”Ben laughed. “Goodness, no! More of them SHOULD, but most of them get their bachelor’s in theology, honestly.”“Why didn’t you?”He shrugged. “I thought there was more to being a servant of God than just spouting out religious texts.” He decided not to add the fact that his calling to the priesthood had come AFTER he’d gotten his bachelor’s.“That’s fair.” They talked all through dinner, getting to know one another better. Armie found it refreshing to be able to talk to another man who wasn’t either in a position of power over him or trying to bed him. It had been a long time since he’d had just a regular guy friend.Ben was having a wonderful time getting to know Armie. Since moving to the area, he hadn’t spent much time with lay people who he wasn’t serving with some kind of charity work. He got on with Poe and Finn who ran the foster teen home, but he was still serving them rather than just being their friend. This, with Armie, was nice.After their meal they headed back to where Armie had parked. “Thank you for coming out with me tonight,” Ben told him sincerely. “I’ve had a really great time tonight.”Armie smiled. “I did too. Thank you for inviting me. We should do this again some time.”Ben couldn’t stop smiling. “I’d like that.”“Well, this is me,” Armie said when they got to his car. “Where are you parked?”“Oh, um, I don’t drive,” Ben admitted coyly.Armie stared at him in surprise. “You don’t drive? Why? Don’t tell me it’s some kind of religious thing. I’m pretty sure even your head guy drives.”Ben laughed boisterously. “I’m pretty sure he has people to drive him, but no it’s just… I don’t drive. The idea of it is something I’m uncomfortable with.”“Can I give you a lift home?”“I’m not far. I’ll walk.”Armie pursed his lips. “I never thought I’d force myself on a priest, but I think I may have to insist you let me drive you home. Just so I know you’re safe.”Ben laughed. “Tell you what, I’ll text you when I get home. How about that?”Armie huffed. “I’d still like to take you home myself-”“I bet you would,” Ben joked.Armie looked at him wide eyed. Had he really made that joke! Armie glared at him playfully. “Oh, believe me, you WISH I would.”Ben continued to chuckle. “But seriously. I’ll be alright. I enjoy walking.”Armie sighed. “Well, if I can’t convince you, then yes, please let me know when you get home. I don’t know if I could forgive myself if I let something bad happen to a pastor.”“I will. Have a good night.”Armie was home quick; he also didn’t live far. He closed the door, locking it behind him, before dropping his keys into the bowl on the end table at the entrance. He kicked off his shoes and made his way to the kitchen. He got himself a beer from the fridge and went back to the living room to make himself comfortable on the sofa.He’d had a REALLY good time with Ben. And the way he helped him through his panic attack had just endeared him to the man even more. If he’d been any other man, Armie would have CERTAINLY gone home with him. It wasn’t JUST that he was attractive either; he was kind without being pretentious. He wasn’t judgmental, in fact, he was rather tolerant. There was also an element of mystery about him. He didn’t want to get into what had brought him into his vocation and he was vague about his lack of interest in driving. Armie wanted to know more.[Ben: I’m home now, friend]Then he sent a picture, a selfie of him sitting on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, and smile plastered on his face.[Armie: Well, don’t YOU look cozy lol][Ben: It got kind of chilly by the time I got home][Armie: And to think you could have avoided that by sitting in my very warm car with a working heater 😉 lol][Ben: Yeah, maybe another time. Have a good night!][Armie: You too]
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Over the next few days, Armie didn’t have a chance to even think about Ben, let alone anything else. He was working alongside Enric Pryde, one of the law firm partners, on an important case, working late nights was digging into his time to study. “We should pick this up in the morning,” Pryde finally said, taking his glasses off and rubbing at his eyes. “I don’t think we’re going to get anywhere with this at the moment.”Armie rubbed his neck. “Yeah. But we’ll get this, I know we will. We just have to find that angle.”“Well, I don’t think we’re going to find it tonight,” Pryde said as he yawned and stretched. He looked over at the younger man. “You’ve done amazing work, Armitage,” he assured him. “Win or lose, you should be proud of what you’ve done with this case.”Armie sighed as he sat back in his chair. “Well, we need a win. At least I do. My father won’t see the work I’ve put into this unless it’s a win.”“Brendol is a hard-ass who has never seen your worth. I don’t understand why you still want his approval.”Armie sighed again. “I don’t know, but I do.”“Well, then let’s hope we can get a win out of this, because you deserve it.” He paused. “How’s your LSAT studies coming along?”Armie groaned as he sat forward. He rubbed at his temples with his fingertips. “Just thinking about sitting down and taking it AGAIN… What if I’m simply not cut out to be lawyer?”“Come now, Armitage, you’re better than half the people on our payroll. You simply don’t have the slip of paper that says you can practice law. If you need help studying, I’d be more than willing to tutor you.”Armie looked up, meeting his cool blue eyes. “You’d do that?”“Of course.” He stood up from his desk and walked over to where Armie sat. He touched his chin and tilted his face upward. “You’re something very special, Armitage, and I can help you.”Armie’s heart was pounding hard. Why was he so nervous being this close to Pryde? It wasn’t like he hadn’t been around him since he was a child. But this felt different and he wasn’t sure if it was different in a good or bad way; all he knew was it felt different. He swallowed hard. “After we win this case.”Pryde smiled down at him. “Of course, after we’ve won this case,” he agreed.***[Ben: Hey, you! How's it going?][Armie: As good as it can, I suppose. You?][Ben: Not bad. Everything okay?][Armie: Yeah][Ben: That's really convincing.][Armie: Just exhausted from this case I was helping with. Prep work is finally done, so my part is done. So I'm ready to relax.][Armie: But I've still got studying to do. Coworker said he'll help me with it, but he won't be able to until he's done with this case. He’s the lead prosecutor and though the leg work I did was impeccable, it still may take some time before he’s available again][Armie: Just kind of feel like I'm drowning right now.][Ben: Sounds like you could use a distraction][Armie: What do you have in mind?][Ben: Just something low-key. Come over and I'll make you dinner :)][Armie: I don't know. Still not sure I can trust you ;) jk lol][Ben: LOL I promise I won't make YOU dinner lmao][Armie: I wasn't even thinking that, but now I'm concerned lol][Ben: I'm a man of God, what could you possibly be worried about ;)][Armie: You're trying to be reassuring but you're doing a terrible job hahaha][Ben: Cross my heart and hope to die, nothing bad will happen to you. I DID promise to keep you from harm, remember?]Armie thought back on that first meeting. Ben grabbing his hands, asking his PERMISSION to do so first even, and offering him kind words to help him ground himself back into the moment.[Armie: I DO recall. Alright, where's your place and when should I be there?]Ben was far more excited about having company over for dinner than he'd imagined he would be. He probably hadn't shared a meal with someone in his own home since before his uncle had passed. His thoughts fell on him. His uncle, Luke, had raised him; taking him in after his parents died in that car accident. Ben still wasn’t sure how he'd survived. For years, he was angry at the world and God for having taken his parents from him. It wasn’t right that he'd lived when they had died. 'Why?' was a question he'd asked numerous times, never getting a solid answer.Luke was amazing. He'd been patient and understanding of Ben, who was nothing but trouble from the moment he stepped foot into his uncle's home. He lashed out at him, never angry at HIM but being the closest target for his built-up rage.“You know I don’t want to do this, but you’re grounded,” Luke told him when he’d caught him smoking pot.“It’s just pot, what’s the big deal?”“It might be legal now, but that’s for adults twenty-one and older,” Luke answered sternly. “You’re fifteen.”“So what? All my friends do it, it’s not a big deal. Like, literally everyone I know does pot.”Luke shook his head. “Just because everyone else is okay with it doesn’t make it right. And it’s not really my concern how other parents deal with their kids.”Ben stood, scowling. “And that’s the thing, right there! You’re not my dad! So, stop acting like you can tell me what to do!”Luke’s face softened. “No, I’m not. I’ll never be your dad; I never claimed to be. But I AM your legal guardian and thus I have the right to discipline you as I see fit. And right now, you’re grounded for the next two weeks.”“Two weeks! But I was going camping with Vicrul and his family this weekend!”Luke crossed his arms. “Well, looks like that’s not happening then. There are consequences to our actions. Sometimes those consequences suck, but we can’t choose the consequences of our actions.”“YOU suck!” Ben shouted. “I fucking hate you!” he yelled as he quickly went to his room, slamming the door behind him.Ben sighed; he’d been more than ornery and stubborn, he’d been a real shit to his uncle. It had been years since Luke had passed away, but he still felt the guilt of his teenage years. Luke had done everything he could for him and Ben was never grateful like he should have been.Ben was pulled from his thoughts when he heard the doorbell. “He’s already here!?” He looked at the clock. He was an hour earlier than he’d expected him. He went to the door. “Hey,” he greeted Armie with a smile.Armie smiled back. “Hey yourself.”“Come in. I wasn’t expecting you for another hour,” he admitted, closing the door behind them.Armie looked at him confused. “You said five, didn’t you?”“I thought I said six.” Ben got his phone from his pocket and looked at it. “Dang it, I DID say five. I’m such an idiot.” He pocketed his phone as he continued, “I’m really sorry. Dinner isn’t ready yet.”“I wouldn’t mind helping,” Armie offered. “I’m rather handy in the kitchen.”“I wanted you to come over and just relax; not have to worry about anything.”Armie grinned. “I’d appreciate the distraction, honestly.”“Oh, um, okay, well, kitchen is this way, but I don’t know what you can help with.” Ben led him past the living room into the kitchen/dining room. “Sorry, kind of small. It’s usually just me in here cooking.” He paused. “Like I said, there’s not a lot left to do,” Ben admitted. “Just need to coat these and get them in the oven.”“What are we having today, chef?”Ben chuckled. “Chicken parmesan. I know it’s not super fancy or anything but I wanted it to be a little nicer.”“Have you flattened your breasts yet?”Ben looked at him dumbfounded. “Done what?”“Have you ever made chicken parm before?”Ben rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “No. Does it show?”Armie chuckled. “A little. Here, let me show you. Do you have plastic wrap?” Ben found the roll he had and handed it to him. Armie tore a long piece off and laid it out on the table. He took the chicken breasts and laid them on top of the plastic then tore off another piece to go over the top. “Do you have a meat tenderizer?”Ben looked at him blankly. “Will I look like an idiot if I tell you I’m not even sure what one looks like?”Armie laughed. “God, how have you survived this long? Can you even take care of yourself?” he teased. “Do you have a rolling pin at least. That’ll work.”“Now THAT I DO have.” He went to a drawer and got the rolling pin out for him.“Thank you. So, when you’re cooking chicken like this, it’s often times better to flatten it out before baking it. That way it’s more evened out and thus can cook evenly. Also, with a recipe like this, it spreads it out so you have a better surface ratio between your main two ingredients, the sauce and the chicken. All you have to do is, hit it.” He raised the wooden pin and slammed it several times against the chicken breasts. “It’s also a lot of fun. You want to give it a try?”Ben looked at him in surprise. “Um, yeah, sure.” He accepted the rolling pin back and traded places with Armie. “And that’s all there is to it? Just hit it?”“Like you would if you were trying to even out a ball of playdoh,” he answered.Ben did what Armie had done and slammed the pin down over the chicken. When he was satisfied with how it looked, he turned to Armie and asked, “Like that? They look okay now?”Armie gave him an encouraging smile. “It looks great. Maybe a little too thinned out on the edges, but for your first time, it looks good. Now, we just need to coat them and lightly fry them before we put them in the oven.”“Right.” He got the bowl he had the egg already in. He looked at Armie for reassurance. “Just dip them in the egg batter and then in the breadcrumbs, right?”Armie chuckled. “Flour first and THEN the egg and then the bread crumbs. Let me help. I’ll need three separate bowls.” Ben got him what he asked for as he listed things. He watched as he put flour in one bowl with salt, pepper, oregano, and thyme. The second bowl was for the eggs, which he beat expertly. The third was the bread crumbs mixed with parmesan cheese.“Once they’re coated, we’ll put them in the frying pan to fry just a bit before we bake them,” he told Ben as he put a frying pan on the stove and prepared it with cooking oil. “I’ll show you how to do this one and then you can do the other, alright?”Ben nodded. “Yeah.” He was mesmerized by the way Armie moved seamlessly from one task to the next. He coated the chicken breast in the flour, then the egg, and the bread crumbs before putting it in the pan. “You’re turn.”Ben followed what Armie did as carefully as he could. He dipped the piece of chicken into the flour and looked at him. “That okay?”Armie smiled. “Don’t be afraid of it,” he teased. “Make sure it’s completely covered.”Ben dipped it in the flour mixture again and then went to the egg. He didn’t care for how sticky it was on his fingertips, so he coated it quickly and moved to the next part. Once he covered the chicken in the bread crumbs, he looked up at Armie again and asked, “That good?”He smiled. “You tell me.”Ben was feeling self-conscious. At least Armie wasn’t being condescending; he was actually being really helpful. He put the chicken in the bread crumbs again and added more before putting it on the pan with the other.“Now, we’ll let them fry while we get our sauce ready.”“It IS ready,” he joked as he grabbed a jar of spaghetti sauce off the counter.Armie smiled and sighed heavily. “You realize you are an absolute heathen, aren’t you? Give it here. I’ll show you how to get it REALLY ready.” Ben handed him the jar. “For chicken parmesan I think it works better when the sauce is thicker. So, we’re gonna put this on the stove to heat it to help thicken it. Do you have a pot?”“Of course, I have a pot,” he replied, pulling a small pot from the cabinet.Armie lifted his hands defensively. “Hey, I didn’t want to assume anything. You didn’t own a meat tenderizer, so you never know.”“I think pots and pans are a bit more common place than a meat tenderizer,” Ben argued.Armie smiled. “Fair.” He put the pot on the stove, opened the jar of sauce, and poured it in. “The quickest and easiest way to thicken sauces and the like is with corn starch, but I’m going to guess you don’t have any.”Ben shook his head. “Nope.”“That’s alright, we’re just going to simmer it to get rid of some of the excess water.”Ben watched him as he found a wooden spoon and started stirring the sauce as it heated. “You really DO know your way around a kitchen.”“I learned a few things from my mom. She was an amazing cook. The nights I was with her, we cooked together. EVERY meal.”“The nights you were with her?” Ben questioned.“She and my dad weren’t married,” he explained. “He actually had an affair with her. They shared custody until she died when I was ten.”“My goodness, I’m so sorry.” Ben was shocked at this revelation. He knew what it was like to lose a parent at such a young age.Armie shrugged. “It was a long time ago. I mean, I’m not saying I’m over it or anything, but you grow around your grief and so it hurts less.”“I’ve never heard it described that way before,” Ben replied in awe. “Everyone just says ‘it gets better with time’, but that always sounded like people thought grief would just go away eventually.”Armie shook his head. “Grief never really goes away. Once someone is a part of you, they’re a part of you for life. And once they’re gone, there’s an emptiness where they were; grief fills that emptiness. We learn to live with it, growing around it, learning to coexist with it.”“Wow,” Ben replied. “That’s some deep thoughts. Dang! You want to write my next sermon for me?” he joked.Armie laughed. “Is that your way of trying to get me to come to church with you?”Ben smiled. “Sure, if it works.”“Well, it won’t,” he replied as he grabbed the tongs and flipped the chicken to cook on the other side. They both fell silent.Quietly, Ben spoke next, “But I get where you’re coming from. I lost both my parents when I was thirteen.”Armie looked up at him in surprise. “Really? I’m so sorry. What happened?”“We were in a really bad car wreck. I couldn’t even tell you where we were coming or going. I honestly don’t remember much. I remember bright lights coming towards us.” He paused. “It’s all kind of a blur after that.”That wasn’t true, Ben could remember like it was yesterday. He was sitting in the backseat, his heart beating like crazy. His parents were talking about the movie they’d just watched, but Ben wasn’t listening. “Mom, Dad,” he interrupted them.His mom, Leia, turned in her seat to look back at him. She smiled. “What’s up, sweetie?”“I’ve been thinking… I might be gay.”Leia looked over at her husband, Han. He cleared his throat. “Are you sure, kiddo? I mean, you’re only thirteen.”He got quiet. He DID know; he had for years. He just wasn’t sure how his parents would react, so he hadn’t said anything. “Maybe I’m bi,” he answered. He DID like girls too, but there was something about boys. He couldn’t see his dad’s face, but he could tell he was fuming. “Are you mad?” he asked quietly.“No, honey, we’re not mad. We’re just… A little surprised.”“And you’re sure?” his dad asked again.Ben was silent. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. Before he had a chance to answer, bright lights were coming right at them. Han turned the wheel sharply, but the rig coming at them was too big and the road was too slick from the snow.“That’s why you’ve no interest in driving then?” Armie asked, putting the pieces together.Ben shrugged. “Yeah. The thought of getting behind the wheel just scares me now.”Armie grew quiet. “You don’t blame yourself, do you?”Ben was staring at the floor as he spoke, not able to meet Armie’s gaze. “I DID. Not so much anymore. I mean, accidents happen.” He paused. “For a long time, I DID blame myself. I had survivor’s guilt so bad. And I was angry for a LONG time.”Armie chuckled. “I can’t see you as being angry.”Ben looked up now. He feared he’d see judgement or pity in his eyes, but there was something else there. He couldn’t quite figure out what it was, but he felt a peacefulness wash over him as they looked at one another. Ben smiled. “I was, believe it or not. I mean, I didn’t have a relationship with God at the time and I hated Him.”“I can’t see you hating God either. It just seems out of character for you. I mean, not that I’m saying I know you or anything, but… you’re probably the most peaceful person I know. You certainly bring me peace just being around you.”Ben smiled. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”Armie chuckled. “Good, it was meant to be.” Armie turned back to the stove. “Damn it! I let it get scorched! Fuck! Turn my back for one God damn second!”“Could you refrain, please?” Ben asked quietly.Armie turned back to him, wide eyed shame on his face. “Oh, my God! I-I mean… I am so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m just so used to talking like that. I’m REALLY sorry.”Ben looked down at the floor. He didn’t usually say anything to people about taking the Lord’s name in vain, but in his own home, it made him sick to his stomach. He felt like a bother bringing it up and he hated that he’d made his friend feel ashamed. “It’s alright.”“No, it’s not,” Armie quickly replied. “That was completely inappropriate of me. I’m very sorry. I would hate to offend you like that.”“Really, it’s okay.”Armie took a deep breath in frustration. “People say that all the time when someone apologizes to them and they shouldn’t. It’s NOT okay, that’s why I’m apologizing. People should say they forgive you or that they accept the apology, not that it’s okay.” He paused. “I am REALLY very sorry, Ben.”Ben knew he was right. He licked his lips anxiously before he spoke. “I know. Thank you for apologizing.”Armie smiled. “That works too.” He turned back to the sauce on the stove. “It’s still salvageable. We’ll just have to make sure not to scrape the bottom of the pot when we use the sauce.”Ben hadn’t been sure about his friendship with Armie at first. He liked him and he got on with him well, but he was very different from him. The man was open about his sex life, which seemed very active and he swore more than Ben cared for. But there was a gentleness about him, something that drew him to the man. He was sure that it was, in part, the fact that he WAS so open about who he was. The man was likely honest to a fault, but that blatant honesty was welcomed.Once the chicken was done cooking, they poured some of the tomato sauce into the bottom of a baking pan, put the chicken on top with more sauce, and then sprinkled it with mozzarella. “The recipe I read said bake at 350 for forty minutes,” Ben told him once it was all set up.Armie nodded. “Sounds good to me.”Ben opened the oven and slid the chicken in. “Now we wait.”They continued to chat casually as they waited. Ben wasn’t good at small talk, but nothing about the conversations he had with Armie felt ‘small’. They talked of important things, deep things. They discussed the going ons of things in the world and their feelings on it. Ben was learning a lot about Armie and he liked what he was learning.They took the chicken out when the timer went off, then sat down at the kitchen table together to eat. “This looks amazing,” Armie complimented him.Ben smiled. “Well, YOU did all the hard work. Would you like something to drink? I think I have a non-alcoholic red wine that would go really well with this if you were interested.”Armie grinned. “So, like grape juice?” he teased.Ben shrugged with a smile. “Essentially.”“That sounds delightful.”Ben got two glasses from the cupboard and poured some for the both of them. “So, was this good enough of a distraction for you?” Ben asked as they ate.Armie smiled at him. “It really was. I appreciate it. I’m feeling a lot better. Thank you.”Ben’s smile widened. “Any time.”“Don’t say that, I may end up taking you up on that offer.”“I’d be more than happy to be a distraction for you, whenever you need.”Armie studied him. “Are you like this with everyone you meet or is it just me?”Ben gave him a quizzical look. “Like what?”“Just… I don’t know how to explain it, just so… Helpful.”“Is that a bad thing?” Ben asked.Armie shook his head. “No, not at all. I mean, you’re a good person, I mean a REALLY good person and you’re genuine about it. It’s a little frightening actually.”“I’m frightening?!”Armie laughed. “No, YOU’RE not. God, I mean, gosh, you’re like a freaking teddy bear. I just meant, your kind heartedness mixed with your openness and honesty can be a little intimidating because people aren’t used to those things. Even nice people I know aren’t as nice as you.”“Thank you?”Armie chuckled. “I really AM messing this up, aren’t I? I just meant, you’re a lot to take in and I’m glad you’ve let me.”Ben considered him for a moment, then gave a half smile. “You have a strange way of giving compliments, but I’ll take it.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Ben knocked quietly on the open door. Bishop Erso looked up from his papers. “Father Ben, please come in.”Ben closed the door behind him and took the seat in front of the bishop’s desk. “You said you wanted to see me?”The bishop gave him a kind smile. “Yes. I wanted to see how you were settling in.”“Just fine, Your Grace.”“Ben, I would like it if you called me by my first name, Gailin.”Ben swallowed hard. He looked down at his hands in his lap. “Forgive me, Most Reverend, but I don’t think I can.”Bishop Erso nodded. He stood up and came around to the front of the desk. He leaned against it. “Father Ben,” he called to him gently. Ben looked up, meeting his kind eyes. “I’ve been watching you closely since you came to us two months ago. You’re clearly not settling in well and I don’t just mean with Father Krennic; he doesn’t get along with ANY of the new priests who come here. No, this is something else. What’s troubling you, son?”Ben swallowed hard. “I-I sometimes feel like I’m not doing enough,” he admitted. He cast his eyes downward. “I just always feel like there’s more I could be doing. Someone else who could use my help. There’s just so many people who are in need. It gets a little overwhelming sometimes.” He looked up, once again meeting the bishop’s gaze. “All I want to do is help people, the way God has asked me to.”Erso smiled at him. “That’s a very noble pursuit, my son.” He reached over and rested his hand on his shoulder. “But you can’t save the world all on your own. There will ALWAYS be people in need. The Lord didn’t ask you to do it alone. He asked ALL of us to help those in need.”Ben nodded. “Yes, Your Grace.”Erso sat back against the desk again, crossing his arms. “There’s more troubling your mind, though, isn’t there? You can speak openly with me.”Ben’s gaze dropped again. He felt ashamed of his feelings and to offer them up to the bishop would only add to that guilt, but he knew if he couldn’t open up to him, who else could he open up to? He took a deep breath and looked up. “I’ve never really felt like I fit in. My call to the priesthood came to me much later in life.” The older man stayed silent, listening to what Ben needed to say. “I’m not like most other priests. This was never something I wanted… Until I did. I-I know this is where I’m meant to be, serving God, serving His children.” He paused, licking his lips anxiously. “I had a whole other life before this and… I wasn’t always a good person.” He grew quiet. “I have a lot to make up for.”“Are you telling me your call to the priesthood was nothing more than a call for penance?”“No!” Ben shook his head. “I mean…” He looked down again. “I just… I don’t like who I was. And sometimes it feels like everyone can see my past and they know I’m tainted. Like I’m not good enough to be a servant of The Lord.”Bishop Erso sighed and knelt down. “Ben,” he said gently, resting his hands on his knees. “Look at me, please.” Ben lifted his gaze. “Our sins can be forgiven. ‘Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool’. And that is through the blood of the lamb. God has forgiven you for your past sins, Ben, but YOU must learn to forgive yourself.”***Armie hadn’t heard from Ben since they’d had dinner. He’d texted him a few times, but got no response. There was a part of him that was starting to worry and yet, he told himself not to care. They’d hung out twice; it wasn’t like they were besties or anything like that. Besides Armie was busy. If he wasn’t working, he was studying, either at the office with Pryde or at home on his own. On nights when he was home, when he’d gotten to a point where he just couldn’t study anymore, he went out.He went to a bar he’d never been to before; he was feeling like being anonymous. He went to the bar and ordered a beer. He looked around the room casually, hoping someone would catch his eye. He saw a man across the room, his back was turned to him, but what little he could see of him was nice. He was tall, with long dark hair he’d put into a half ponytail. He was wearing all black, black cargo pants tucked into combat boots with a black mesh top over a black t-shirt with crimson skulls. He was standing with two other men who looked to be together.The guy turned around and Armie’s mouth dropped open. “Ben?!”Ben looked for who called out his name and his eyes widened when he saw him. “Armie?” He turned to the two guys he was with. “Give me a second, I’ll be right back.”“Take your time,” one of them said with a knowing smile.Ben walked over to Armie. “Hey.”“What the Hell are you doing here? And why are you dressed like that?”Ben rubbed the back of his neck, looking away from Armie in apparent shame. “I’m out with some friends,” he explained. He looked up, meeting Armie’s gaze. “And just because I’m a priest, doesn’t mean I have to wear the white collar all the time.”Armie nodded. “Right. Well, I should leave you to it then.” He turned and headed for the front door.Ben grabbed his arm. “Armie, please, don’t be like that. Why don’t you join us?” Ben’s hand was warm against his skin; he hadn’t let go. He looked down at where his hand remained and quickly pulled it away.“This is what you do in your off time?” Armie questioned, still not believing that Ben, the PRIEST, was dressed like some kind of punk goth in a well-known gay bar.He shrugged shyly. “I volunteer at Poe and Finn’s place; they run a halfway house for foster kids, teens in particular. They asked me to come out with them tonight.” He paused. “I’m sorry I haven’t texted you or anything, I’ve been kind of busy.”“Clearly,” Armie replied coolly.Ben licked his lips nervously. Armie hated admitting to himself how sexy that was, seeing his tongue gently wet his full bottom lip. “I thought about asking you to come out with us,” he told him hesitantly. “But I didn’t know what you would think.” He got quiet as he added, “I still get a little nervous around new people, about letting them see the real me underneath my vocation.”Armie could understand that. It didn’t matter what he did, it seemed he would face harsh judgement from most people. “So, this is the real Ben?”“The Ben YOU met is the real me too,” he answered. “It’s just a different side of me.”He nodded. “That’s fair.” He paused. “Well, why don’t you introduce me to your friends?”Ben’s nervous look turned to one of excitement. “Yeah! Come on!” He grabbed his hand and pulled him along. “Poe, Finn, this is my friend, Armie. Armie, this is Poe and Finn.”“Nice to meet you,” the Latinx man said with a cocky grin.“Likewise,” Armie replied.“So, how do you two know each other?” dark-skinned man named Finn asked curiously.Ben visibly paused, not knowing how to answer. Armie chuckled. “We took a class together at Maker Space,” Armie answered. He didn’t want to call Ben out and let them know he’d been on a dating app.“Oh, cool! What class did you take?” Finn asked.“A Bob Ross painting class.”“Right!” Poe chimed in. “The one you showed us! Looked really cool.”They chatted for a while. Armie was fairly quiet, watching how Ben interacted with the couple. He laughed and joked with them like he was just an average guy; looking at him, there would be no way to tell he was a man of the cloth. They stayed till nearly closing time, Poe getting too tipsy to get out the door on his own.“It was really cool to meet you, Armie,” Finn told him as they walked to their car.“It was nice to meet you too.”“If you’d ever like to volunteer with us, we’d be more than happy to have you.”Armie winced. “I don’t know how well I’d do with children, but I’ll think about it.”“Cool. Get home safe, guys.” Finn helped Poe into the passenger seat then got in on the driver’s side and drove away.Ben stood there, his hands in his pockets. “I hope you had an okay time.”Armie looked at him. Ben looked concerned, as though it would really hurt his feelings if Armie HADN’T enjoyed his time out that evening. “I did. Wasn’t the way I was expected my night to go, but I had a good time.”Ben chuckled. “Sorry I ruined your night. You were probably hoping to pick up some hot guy to take home with you, weren’t you?” he teased.Armie laughed. “It’s like you know me too well already. But seriously, I had a good time tonight.”Ben smiled. Armie was sure the man had no idea how adorable that smirk was. “I’m glad. Well, I should be heading home too.”“You aren’t walking, are you?”Ben shrugged. “It’s only about an hour walk. I’ll be fine.”Armie shook his head. “No, this time, I am INSISTING that you let me drive you home. It’s too dark and too late for you to be out walking by yourself.”Ben smiled. “It’s cute how much you care.”Armie crossed his arms. “I don’t. I just think your God wouldn’t be happy with me if I let you walk away and something bad happened to you.”Ben chuckled. “MY God?”“Well, He’s certainly not MINE.”“Maybe not yet,” Ben replied with a mischievous grin.Armie rolled his eyes. “You wish. My car is over here. Come on.” Ben followed him and got inside.“So, I guess you still got to take a handsome man home, tonight, huh?”Armie looked over at him, a chuckle playing on his lips. “Isn’t pride one of those deadly sins of yours?” he asked as he turned the key in the ignition.Ben shrugged. “It’s not my fault that the temple God blessed me with is one that’s nice to look at,” he joked.Armie chuckled. The man next to him really had no idea how attractive he was. Part of Armie wanted to show him exactly what he was missing out on by devoting his life to God, but he also respected the fact that he had something to believe in beyond himself.Ben looked out the window absent-mindedly, watching the city pass by as they drove. Armie finally got to his place, pulled into his driveway, and parked. “Well, here we are.”“Yeah.” Quickly, Ben turned toward him. “Oh, hey! Are you doing anything tomorrow?”Armie shrugged. “It’s Sunday, so I’ll likely take the chance to sleep in for a change and then study in the afternoon.”“So, no definitive plans or obligations you can’t break, then?”Armie glanced at him suspiciously. “What are you getting at?”Ben bit his lip. “Could I ask a BIG favor of you?”“You can certainly ask, but I make no promises to what my answer will be.”Ben chuckled. “Fair.” He paused as though nervous. “I have a church thing and I’d really like it if you’d accompany me.”“You’re asking me to go to church with you?”“No!” Ben quickly clarified. “No, see, it’s… I’m going to a dinner hosted by our bishop and he’s kind of asked as all to bring a lay person.”Armie stared at him in confusion. “A ‘what’ person?”“Oh, um a lay person, it means someone not of the church. Or, depending who you’re asking, someone not of the clergy.”Armie laughed. “For a moment I was thinking you were asking me to have some kind of ritualistic sex with you or something.” He immediately regretted saying it when he saw the way Ben’s expression fell. “I’m sorry, I was just joking.”“It’s fine,” he quickly replied. “Forget I mentioned it.” He turned to exit the car, but Armie grabbed his arm.“No, Ben, I’m sorry. I really am. I make jokes about things I’m not comfortable with and I’m not used to being around people who have such a strong religious belief as you.” Ben looked back at him as he continued. “I’m sorry. I won’t joke like that anymore, alright? I’m sorry.”Ben sighed, moving to sit back in his seat. “Sex jokes are one thing, but mocking my faith is something else entirely.”Armie squeezed his arm gently. “I won’t. I promise. I’m sorry.”Ben nodded. “Yeah, okay.” They both fell silent.“So, tell me about this dinner party.”***Armie picked Ben up the next night and they drove to the bishop’s house together. Armie glanced over at him and saw how he wiped his palms against the lap of his dress pants. “Do I really make you that nervous?” he teased.Ben looked over at him with a shake of his head. “No, Bishop Erso makes me nervous. And Father Krennic. Both for very different reasons, but they do.”“I’ll be on my best behavior, I promise.”“I’m not worried about you,” Ben assured him. “I’ve never dealt well with authority figures, so I’m still nervous around Bishop Erso and Father Krennic just doesn’t like me.”“How could he not?” Armie asked, offended at the idea of someone not being able to see how amazing the man next to him was.Ben stared out the window. “He’s very old-fashioned. He likes doing things the way they’ve always been done. He thinks my ideas are new-agey and blasphemous.”“Well, I think you’re sweet and brilliant. I’ve never met anyone like you.”Ben looked over at him and smiled shyly. He was grateful Armie had been willing to join him. He didn’t have many other people in his life he could invite to this dinner. The bishop had proposed a small dinner with the clergy in the area at his house and asked that they each bring someone with them who was not of their faith. Ben wasn’t about to ask Poe and Finn; while Finn would have been respectful, Poe had too much religious trauma from his past, there was no way he was going to feel comfortable amongst a group of priests.He’d asked Paige and Rose, but they were so busy with the diner, they couldn’t take the time off. He’d been racking his brain for weeks about it so he’d downloaded the Friend Maker app in hopes to make a friend he could bring with him. He’d felt foolish when he met Armie and he explained to him the real use of the app; but he saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Armie could be the answer. He’d been praying to make more lay friends just so he had something in his life outside of his vocation and then Armie seemed to walk right into it!Armie was slowly becoming the friend he needed and wanted; which scared him. He had fun talking with him and spending time with him, but he feared his seeking out a friendship like theirs was his way of telling God that He wasn’t enough for him, so he’d backed off. He’d decided to let go of whatever friendship might have formed between them; it was why he was out with Poe and Finn that night. He’d needed a distraction and lo and behold, the man he was trying to avoid, walked in! Ben didn’t believe in coincidences, he believed God’s hand was in those kinds of things, so he took the risk and asked him to join him.Ben smiled back at Armie. “I’ve never met anyone quite like you either,” he replied. Ben and Armie were the last to arrive. He opened the car door and got out, but stopped when he saw Armie was still sitting there. He leaned back in. “Are you okay?”Armie gripped the steering wheel tightly. “I’ll be alright. I’ll be alright,” he mumbled.“Oh, crap! You’re having a panic attack, aren’t you?!” Ben got back in the car and slammed the door shut. “What can I do to help you?”Armie shook his head as he took a deep breath. “I don’t know. Just… Just give me a minute.”Ben reached over and put his hand over his right hand. “Armie,” he said softly, “you’re safe with me. I promised you before, I won’t let any harm fall upon you. You’re always safe with me. We can leave any time you want, even if you want to right NOW, okay? You’re such a wonderful person, coming with me to a social function you’re unfamiliar with. It’s amazing you would do that for someone else. I appreciate you more than words can say. You have nothing to be afraid of.”Armie closed his eyes and took another deep breath before turning to Ben and replying, “You’re just trying to butter me up, aren’t you? Just saying things to make me feel better whether you believe them or not.”Ben smiled, his signature half grin. “No,” he answered, “I’m a man of my word in more ways than one. I never say anything I don’t mean.” He paused, rubbing his thumb against the back of Armie’s hand. “We really don’t have to go in if you don’t want to. Bishop Erso will understand.”Armie swallowed hard. “Well, we’re already here,” he replied confidently. “And it would be a shame for no one to try those delicious pies you made.”Ben smiled. “Okay.”Bishop Erso answered the door with a smile. “Father Ben, I was starting to wonder if you were going to be making it this evening.”“We just had a little something to take care,” he answered. “Your Grace, this is my friend, Armie. Armie, this is Bishop Erso.”Armie extended his hand. “A pleasure to meet you, Bishop.”Bishop Erso accepted the handshake with his own firm grip. “Welcome to my home, Armie. And you can call me Gailin.” He looked at Ben. “Some people can’t seem to bring themselves to do so. Hopefully, YOU can get them to come around.” Ben smiled sheepishly and stared at the ground. “Well, come in!” he exclaimed. “Now that you’re here, we can get started.”“I’m sorry you were waiting on us,” Ben told him as they stepped inside.Bishop Erso leaned in close to him and whispered. “Between you and me, Father Krennic needs to eat soon, he gets very grumpy when he’s hungry.”“Well, he must fast often then,” Ben teased.Bishop Erso chuckled in response and directed them to the dining room. Introductions were made as they entered the room. Father Krennic had invited the theology professor from the local community college, Professor Tarkin; they’d been good friends for many years. Bishop Erso had invited his niece, Jyn. There were four other members of clergy there, each having brought a family member or close friend.“So, Armie, tell us about yourself,” Father Krennic said to him from across the table. “Where do you work?”Armie cleared his throat; he was still nervous about mentioning that he worked for his father. But Ben hadn’t introduced him with his last name; he wasn’t sure Ben even knew it, so maybe no one would make the connection to his family. “I’m a paralegal at Brooks, Hux, and Pryde Law.”Professor Tarkin stopped, his fork hanging in the air midway to his mouth. “Brendol Hux? You’re his son, aren’t you? Armitage?” Armie felt his face flush. “Yes, I thought you were familiar.”“How do you know my father?” he asked curiously.“Oh, Brendol helped me with some legal problems years ago. Fine man.”Armie stared down at his plate. “Yes, he is.”Ben looked over at him. “I didn’t realize you worked for your dad.”“I work at his firm, I don’t work for HIM,” he corrected.“Right.” Ben nodded. “Do you like it?”Armie thought long and hard on it. Brendol had always been overly-critical of him, making him feel small and worthless. He longed to make the man see who he really was, to show him that he could really BE something. He shrugged. “It has its merits,” he answered. “It’s a wonderful company to work for.”Ben studied him, obviously not certain about Armie’s answer, but he let it be.“Yes, I remember quite clearly,” Tarkin continued. “When I was working with Brendol he’d mentioned that his son was going to start living with him full-time. Great man, but I never expected him to be much of a father, to be honest.”Armie’s face flushed. The man wasn’t wrong. Since he was a child, nothing he ever did was good enough for his father. “Stand up straighter.” “You could have gotten an A on this test rather than a B+ if you’d applied yourself.” “You’re a whore, just like your mother.” That was the only time Armie had ever defended himself against the constant onslaught of insults and harsh words he received from his father. He’d just come out as gay. He was fifteen and had finally realized it. His school counselor had encouraged him to come out to family and friends he trusted; he should have emphasized the ‘trusted’ family part more. Brendol shook his head. “Of course, you are. After that bitch mother of yours decided to keep you, now you won’t even carry on the Hux name. You’ll end up being a good for nothing whore, just like her.”“Don’t you EVER speak of my mother like that!” Armie yelled. “She told me what happened. You didn’t have an affair, you fucking raped her! And she was too afraid to say anything because of who you are and the connections you have! She wasn’t a whore. If anything, YOU’RE the whore!”Brendol backhanded him, dropping Armie back against the sofa from the force of it. Brendol was on top of him now, choking him. “You good for nothing whelp! I should have MADE her get rid of you. Should have beat her myself until you’d died in her womb! You will never amount to anything. All you’ll ever be is a faggot, walking the streets, sucking cock to get by!” He pulled his hands away and while Armie sputtered, coughing to get air back into his lungs, he lifted his hand and punched him in the face. He grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at him. “Do not EVER speak to me like that again, boy,” he seethed quietly.Back in the present, Armie looked across the table at Tarkin and replied, “He did the best he could.”Ben glanced over at him. The words Armie spoke were soft and tinged with pain. Ben didn’t know why, but he reached under the table and grabbed his hand, squeezing it, hoping to give him some sense of comfort. Armie looked over at him, confusion on his face. Ben gave him an encouraging smile and was pleased when Armie gave him one in return. Ben then turned to Jyn, Bishop Erso’s niece and said, “Why don’t you tell us more about what you do at the hospital?” Armie was grateful Ben could sense his discomfort and changed the subject. Even more so, he liked that he held his hand beneath the table for most of the rest of the night.
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A call came through on the call box on Pryde’s desk, the other end being his assistant, Phasma. “Yes?”“Is Armitage with you, sir?” she asked. “He has a visitor.”Pryde glanced up at Armie who shrugged; he had no idea who might be coming to see him. Pryde pressed the button to reply. “I’ll send him out.” To Armie he said, “Why don’t you take lunch now. Be back in an hour.”“Yes, sir.” He grabbed his messenger bag he always had with him at the office, slung it over his shoulder and made his way to the front. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Ben standing at Phasma’s desk chatting with her. Armie stood there for a moment, watching him. Again, he was dressed in a way that didn't broadcast his vocation, only this time it wasn't the punk goth attire like he wore at the bar. No, now he was in dark blue jeans with a simple gray button down with the two top buttons undone.Phasma laughed at something Ben had said and he gave her that one-sided grin Armie was growing fond of. He glanced away catching Armie in his sights. His smile changed from one of amusement to one of joy. "Hey," he called to him.Armie walked closer. "Afternoon. What are you doing here?"Ben glanced down at the floor, rubbing his neck as he always seemed to when he was embarrassed. "Well, I," he began, as he looked up once more. "If you were available, I wanted to take you to lunch. To thank you for coming with me last night.""There's really no need to thank me," he replied. "Though I wouldn't be opposed to joining you for lunch.""Great!" Ben turned back to Phasma. "It was a pleasure to meet you.""Likewise," she replied. "You boys have fun," she added with a wink.Armie rolled his eyes. "Be back in an hour." He and Ben strode out the door."I hope it was okay for me to stop by like this," Ben said in worry."Absolutely!" Armie told him. "I never mind getting to see you."Ben smiled. "Good." He paused. "I also wanted to make sure you were okay," he added softly. "When Tarkin brought up your dad, you just seemed off."Armie sighed. "My family dynamic is a complicated one." He paused. "So, where should we go for lunch?"As soon as Armie came back, Phasma was bombarding him with questions. "Who was that? God, he was cute! Is he your new side piece or something? Why haven't you told me about him?!"Armie chuckled and shook his head. "That was Ben. No, he's NOT my side piece and I haven't told you about him because there's nothing to tell. He's a friend."Phasma considered him for a moment. "Oh! My! God! Is HE the priest you said you met on that dating app?!"Armie knew there was no hiding it. "Yeah, that's him.""And he JUST wants to be friends?" she questioned. "How many straight guys take another guy out to lunch?"He wasn't about to tell her about him making dinner for him if that was her reaction. "He's a priest, Phasma. Even if he WAS allowed to date, he certainly wouldn't be allowed to date another man.” He looked down at the floor. “And he’s certainly not interested in me."“You never know,” she replied with a wiggle of her brows.Armie chuckled. “You’re incorrigible, you know that?” She just giggled as he went back to the office to help Pryde on the case.***Over the last several weeks, Armie found himself spending time with Ben more often than not. Before Ben, if he wasn’t at work or home studying, he was out looking to get laid. But now his free time was spent with Ben. Going out to eat, or taking a class together, Ben had even gotten him to join him on some of his service projects he was a part of.“I’m really not great with kids,” Armie reminded him as they pulled up to the half-way house.Ben looked over at him. “They’re just young adults. It’s not like you’re dealing with toddlers or kindergarteners,” he reminded him.“What am I supposed to DO with them?”Ben smiled. “Most of them just need a friend, someone to listen and care about them, it goes a long way. I play board games with them, help them with homework, or chores. Like I said, most of them just need a friend.” He paused. “I kind of try to think about what I needed from adults when I was their age.”Armie glanced at him. “And you were in need of trusting adults at that age?” he questioned.Ben bit his lip. “Yeah. I was a bit of a wayward soul.”“Really?”Ben sighed. “I don’t know if I can talk about this right now,” he replied, not looking at him. “There’s a part of me that’s scared you’ll see me differently, that you may even not like me.”Armie rested his hand on Ben’s knee. “Ben, there’s nothing you could tell me that would make me like you any less.”Ben sighed as he looked over at him. “Guess we’ll find out later.” He opened the car door. “Come on.”Armie took a deep breath and followed Ben. Inside, there was a group of teens sitting around the living room. Three of them were playing a video game together, another sat on the couch with them, reading. Ben found Poe and Finn in the kitchen working on dinner with two other kids. “Anything we can do to help?” Ben asked. “Armie is an amazing cook.”“He’s overselling it,” Armie chimed in. “I just happen to know my way around a kitchen.”“Well, these two are helpless,” Poe teased indicating the two teens that were standing there, helping prepare food. “Mind helping them with the potatoes?”“Sure.”“Oh, Rey, Kaydel, this is a friend of Ben’s, Armie,” Poe introduced them.“Great, just what we need, more priests around here,” Rey commented sarcastically.“I’m not a priest,” Armie told her. “Honestly, I don’t even go to church.”Rey looked at him skeptically. “Really? Then what are you doing hanging out with Mister holier-than-thou over there? This isn’t like, court ordered community service for you or something, is it?”Armie chuckled. “No. Ben just invited me along. Said you could use a good example of what NOT to do with your life,” he joked.Ben laughed. “I never said that.”Armie just threw him a smile and went into helping the two young women with the spuds. Ben helped Poe with a different portion of the meal, but he continued to watch Armie. He was engaging with the two teens he was working with, they seemed to listen to him and follow his instructions. Ben smiled to himself; Armie had been concerned that he wouldn’t work well with teenagers, but he was proving himself wrong. Ben didn’t know if it was something Armie wanted in his life, but he could see him being an amazing dad one day.Ben and Armie were invited to stay for dinner. Armie was surprised at the chaotic nature of the meal. Those who were in the house were asked to join them at the dinner table, though it was optional, but then there were others who came in later from jobs or ate a few quick bites before dashing off to work. He couldn’t stop watching Ben amidst it all. Rey constantly threw verbal jabs at him, but it was obvious it was her way of covering the fact that she liked him so well, as though trusting an adult was something to look down on. Overall, the kids seemed to love having him around.“You’re a rather popular guy, aren’t you?” Armie teased as he drove him home later.“What?”“With the kids at the house. They all seem to adore you.”Ben smiled bashfully, looking down. “I get along with them sure, but that’s about it.”“Well, they certainly like having you around,” Armie retorted. “It’s obvious.”Ben shrugged. “I just understand where a lot of them are coming from.”Armie glanced over at him. “You keep being vague about this dark childhood you claim to have,” he replied. “I have to say, I’m intrigued to say the least.”Ben grew solemn. “I’m not proud of my past.”“You really don’t have to tell me about it,” Armie told him. “I’m not trying to pry, but if you ever DO want to tell me about it, I’m here to listen.”Ben nodded. “I know. And I appreciate it.” And he truly did. There was a limited number of people he’d ever talked to about his past; generally, it was only with those who had experienced it with him. He’d spoken about it very sparingly with his last bishop and even more so with Bishop Erso. Before his parents passed, he was a pretty average kid. After they died, he became angry and unruly. His uncle did the best he could for him, but he never made it easy for him. He was always getting into fights, skipping school, anything and everything that marked him as a delinquent. Luke was more than patient with him.He remembered Luke’s look of disappointment when he looked at him from the other side of the bars of a jail cell. Ben and his friends had been picked up for underage drinking and public intoxication. Ben refused to look at him; he was more embarrassed than he realized he would be. “Care to explain what happened tonight?”“I’m sorry,” he whispered and he meant it too.Luke shook his head. “You’re lucky you turn eighteen next week. If you were eighteen right now, things might be different.”Ben nodded. “I know.”Luke sighed. “I thought about telling the officer who called that I’d pick you up in the morning; let you stay in here over night to learn a lesson.”Ben’s eyes began to water. “Maybe you should have,” he whispered. He deserved to be locked up, maybe even more than overnight.Luke shook his head and sighed heavily. “I’ll sign the paperwork to have you released.” He turned sharply on his heel and down the hall.That had been a turning point for Ben. He still had a lot of growing up to do and he’d still made several mistakes after that, but from then on, he truly weighed the consequences of his actions.***"You're going to do just fine, Armitage," Pryde told him confidently.Armie took a deep breath. "I just get so anxious sitting down for a test," he replied. "I KNOW I know the answers, but as soon as I open that test booklet, it's like my mind goes blank.""You need to relax." He closed the book they were studying. "Let's go to dinner.""What?""I'm taking you to dinner," he explained. "To help you relax and get your mind off of it." He extended his hand to him. "Come on now."Armie took his hand and let him pull him to his feet. He'd known Enric Pryde since he was a child, he and his father went to law school together; the man was LITERALLY old enough to be his father. Yet, he didn't care. The way his hand felt clutching the older man's, brought butterflies to his stomach. He looked into those piercing blue eyes and nodded. "Alright." What else could he say?Enric took him to a quiet diner not far from the office. They looked out of place, still in their suits from having been at the office earlier, but he relaxed as he saw the way Enric changed from the no-nonsense businessman he was to an ordinary, laidback guy. The man literally morphed before his eyes. They chatted casually through their meal. Armie knew Enric fairly well, but getting to interact with him in such a casual manner made him see him in a different light. He was funny and had a gently chuckle for a laugh. He was engaging in their conversation, answering questions Armie had and asking about him in return. Armie couldn’t help feeling as though this was almost like a date. By the end of the night, he realized Enric had felt much the same way.“Thank you for dinner,” Armie told him as they exited the restaurant. “It really did help distract me for a bit.”“Care to be distracted for a bit longer this evening?” he asked.Armie got a cigarette out and lit it. “What did you have in mind?” he asked as he took a drag.Enric stepped closer. “Come home with me,” he whispered hopefully.Armie’s mouth dropped open in surprise. Was the older man REALLY asking to sleep with him? Armie wrapped his lips around the cigarette again, inhaling on it. “I’m not sure that would be very professional,” he commented.“Is that the ONLY thing that’s stopping you from saying ‘yes’?”Armie searched his eyes. He’d always been attracted to the older man; ever since he realized that was where is interests were. “Maybe,” he answered.“If that’s the only thing stopping you, then say you’ll come home with me.”Armie wasn’t sure if it was a question or an order, but he felt himself nodding in agreement. “Alright.”***“I don’t know HOW I let you talk me into taking a pottery class,” Armie said as he pressed his hand into the clay as it spun.Ben laughed. “Are you trying to tell me you aren’t having any fun?”“Oh, no, I LOVE getting my hands dirty,” Armie countered. “I’m a dirty boy after all," he said with a wink.Ben chuckled. “Oh, I know. Promise me you’ll never go to confession, you may scare whatever priest takes it.”Armie smiled wickedly. “Maybe YOU should take it, if you know what I mean,” he said with another wink.Ben threw his head back and laughed. “I’m sorry for the fact that I DO know what you mean.” He just shook his head and focused on his work.Armie tried not to take note of the fact that he hadn’t said he was opposed to the idea of taking anything from him, his confession or anything else. “So, what are you making?”Ben looked at the glob of clay in front of him. “I was REALLY hoping on making a vase, but I’m starting to think that was a bit ambitious.”Armie chuckled. “I think I’ve got a hang of it. Here.” He moved closer and put his hands on Ben’s, moving them up and down the clay as it spun on its wheel. “Push it in more here.” He helped him maneuver his hands. “And keep your other hand here, like this.”“Thanks,” Ben said with a smile. “You’re really good with your hands.”Armie smiled. “Oh, how I’d love to show you how true that is,” he joked with a chuckle. He moved back to his own wheel and continued working on his piece.Ben felt his face flush. It wasn’t like he had no experience with carnal pleasures; he didn’t begin attending seminary until he was twenty-five and he’d already had several experiences. He’d chosen this path for his life to make up for who he had been in his younger years. His uncle had been a believer though he didn’t actively worship. Even so, it was obvious he was a man filled with faith in Christ.“What are YOU making?” Ben asked.“Just a bowl,” he answered. He looked over at Ben. “I’m not NEARLY as ambitious as YOU,” he teased.“Well, it looks great so far.”Armie smiled over at him. “Thank you.”Their conversation followed seamlessly as they worked side by side. After the class was over, they went to Tico’s for dinner; it had become their tradition. While Ben had his usual, Armie was working his way through the entire menu. Ben had suggested it to him as an exercise to help with his anxiety; trying new things alongside Ben was helping him conquer the irrational fear that welled up inside him when something unexpected happened. He wasn’t ‘cured’ of his anxiety by any means, but he was starting to feel more in control of it with Ben’s help.“So, how’s the studying for the LSAT going?” Ben asked him.“Really good actually.” He paused. “I know everything I need to know; I just don’t take tests well.”“Because of your anxiety?”Armie nodded. “But my co-worker has been helping me with it. I think I’ll be ready when the time comes.”Ben smiled. “Good. I don’t know anything about law, but I’m sure you’re gonna ace it.”“I hope so,” Armie replied. “It’ll be the third time I’ve taken it.”“You’ll pass it this time, I’m sure of it.”Armie shook his head. “It’s not so much a pass or fail, just like the regular SAT. It’s an aptitude test. But law schools won’t accept anything less than 145… So, in that sense I suppose you’re right.”“You’re gonna do fine,” Ben reassured him. “You’re smart and you’re working hard.” He paused and looked down at his plate. “And I’ve been praying for you.”Armie blinked at him on wonder. “Really?”Ben quickly looked up and met his eyes. “I hope that’s okay. I mean, I know you’re not religious or anything but-”“No, no, no,” he interrupted, “I don’t mind at all. I think it’s actually very sweet of you.”Ben rubbed at his neck anxiously. “Not everyone feels that way. I’ve had people literally laugh in my face when I tell them I’m praying for them. I’ve even had people get hostile about it.”“That doesn’t make any sense to me,” Armie replied. “I mean, just because I don’t believe doesn’t negate YOUR belief. Someone saying they’re willing to beg the deity they worship to offer you help is probably the kindest gesture a person can make.”“Exactly!” Ben said excitedly. “I mean, I had a friend who did witchcraft and offered to cast a spell for me once.”“And you let them?” Armie questioned in surprise.Ben nodded. “I mean, it wasn’t going to hurt anything and I thought it was thoughtful of them to think of me.”Armie smiled and nodded in return. “Exactly.” He paused. “You know, you’re very open minded for a priest.”Ben smiled shyly. “I like to think so.”Armie grinned mischievously. “Exactly HOW open minded are you?”Ben laughed. “Not THAT open minded.”***Ben was sitting at the dining room table, going over Kaydel's English paper with her when Rey came over and sat down in the chair next to him. "Your friend not with you today?" she asked."No," Ben answered, "he's not.""Pity," Rey replied. "I actually liked HIM.""Well, he's a pretty good guy."Rey looked at Ben in thought. "He your boyfriend or something?"Kaydel giggled. Ben looked at her and then back at Rey. "No, I'm a priest. I'm not allowed to date. I've chosen a life of celibacy as a sacrifice to my devotion to God," he explained. "Even if I hadn't, the God I follow is for traditional relationships."Rey sat back in her chair. "You WANT him to be."Ben looked at her directly. "No, I don’t."She scoffed. "Sure." She got up and left.Kaydel smiled. "She loves giving you a hard time."Ben sighed. "Yeah, I've noticed.""It's because she likes you," Kaydel explained."Right," Ben replied, not believing her."It IS," she pressed on. She paused. "Rey tends to push people away, adults especially, when she starts to get attached."Ben looked over at Kaydel. "Because everyone else in her life has failed her?"She nodded. "A lot of us have family to go back to eventually; Rey doesn't."Ben nodded. He understood that. "I just wish I could get her to see that I actually care, that I'm not here out of some kind of obligation."Kaydel nodded. "She knows. That's what scares her." She paused. "So, how's my paper look?"
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[Ben: Do you like music?][Armie: Are we talking hymns or death metal? Lol][Ben: LOL alt rock][Armie: Do YOU like alt rock?][Ben: Yeah. You surprised?][Armie: Yes!][Armie: Isn't rock n roll the epitome of everything your god is against? Sex, drugs, and rock and roll all go together.][Ben: Well, for starters, God isn't against sex, just sex outside of the confines of marriage][Ben: And there's nothing wrong with rock music. Is it secular in nature? Sure, but that doesn’t make it bad.][Armie: Sure, if you say so.][Armie: To answer your question, yes, I do like music, including but not exclusively alt rock][Ben: ;) awesome!][Ben: There's a music festival coming up in the next town over and I really want to go.][Ben: Would you like to join me?][Armie: Like a date? ;) Jk lol][Ben: Like a friend date lol]Armie looked down at the text messages. He was growing fond of Ben. If the man was so inclined, he could see them having something really special. Ben wasn't like most people he knew; he was selfless and kind. He was a man haunted by a past for sure, but he was also a man who wanted to help others face their own demons. He was obviously devoted to the God he worshipped, but it wasn’t all consuming to the point where nothing else mattered.[Armie: I'd love to]He finally typed out. He enjoyed Ben's company and though he knew they would be brilliant together, he was grateful to have Ben in his life in any capacity.[Ben: I'll send you the details][Armie: I look forward to it ]Ben read through the messages again. 'Like a date?'. He kept staring at it. Yes, Armie had immediately added 'just kidding' and 'laughing out loud' but there was a part of Ben that wondered if it was just his way of covering up how he really felt. DID Armie want to date him? He shook his head, pushing the thought away. Even if Ben WAS interested, it wouldn't matter, he was devoted to God.Ben paused again. Now he wondered to himself if he WAS interested, especially after what Rey had said about him wanting Armie to be his boyfriend. Armie was attractive, tall and lean with beautiful red hair. They had fun together and he could make him laugh. Ben pushed the thought away. It didn’t matter; he’d given all of that up. He was a representative of Christ. He couldn’t give in to his desires.He went to his room and knelt down beside his bed. “Oh, God, I have striven to be your servant. I’ve given my life to You. I know that these feelings aren’t a sin, acting on them is the sin. But I…” His throat tightened as tears filled his eyes. “I don’t want to feel these things. I want to be Your servant, to help Your children and love them as You would.” He paused. “But these desires still plague me. Help me to be more selfless; to align my will with Yours. Guide me, Father. Help me to be who You would have me be.”***“You asked to see me, sir?” Armie asked as he stepped into Enric’s office.“Yes. Please, close the door.” Armie did so. “Come here.” He walked closer.“What can I help you with?”Enric smiled. “I just wanted to see how you were?”“Fine, sir.”Enric pushed himself away from his desk. “Come here, Armitage.”Armie licked his lips nervously and came around to the other side of the desk to stand in front of the other man. “Was there something you needed?” he asked quietly.Enric reached out and put his hands on Armie’s hips, pulling him closer. “I just wanted to ask you if you had plans this evening?”Armie gulped down hard. “I’m certain I could make myself available if you needed. Did you have something in mind?”Enric smiled. “The only thing on my mind was kissing those pretty little lips of yours.”As he pulled Armie closer, he leaned down and kissed him, straddling his lap as he did so. He pulled away and whispered. “Anyone could walk in at any moment.”“That’s part of the fun, isn’t it?”Armie kissed him again. He hadn’t locked the door, just closed it behind him. The blinds were already drawn, but that wouldn’t keep anyone from walking through the door suddenly. He couldn’t deny how much that thought turned him on as he pressed himself down against Enric. Armie pulled away slightly and said, “Perhaps we could study later tonight.”Enric chuckled. “I think that would be an excellent idea.” He kissed him one last time, before pulling away and gently pushing Armie back to his feet. “My place, seven o’clock. Don’t be late.”Armie nodded. “I’ll come prepared… To study,” he added with a wry grin.Enric chuckled. “See that you do. I plan to work you VERY hard this evening. I want to make sure you take it all in. You can see yourself out.”Armie stepped away and left the office. Since that first night they went out, he and Enric had been filling their time together in many ways. Yes, the man was still honestly helping him study, but there were plenty of fun-filled study breaks in between. Armie enjoyed his time with the older man, but there was a part of him that was certain he’d never be anything more to him than his dirty little secret.“What did Pryde want you for?” Phasma asked as he passed by her desk.“Just discussing studying plans,” he answered.“How’s that going for you?” she asked. “Think you’ll get a good enough score this time?”He took a deep breath and nodded. “I sure hope so. Enric… I mean, Pryde, has been really helpful. I still get anxious thinking about taking it, but at least I know I know the answers.”Phasma smiled. “Good. I’m sure you’ll do fine.”“Thanks,” he replied with his own smile. It was nice to have others in his corner. As he headed back to his desk, he felt his phone buzz with a notification. He looked at it to see a text from Ben.[Ben: Hey, how are you?]Armie smiled down at the message and texted him back.[Armie: I’m well, how about yourself?][Ben: Can’t complain. You busy tonight? I’ve been wanting to have a Lord of the Rings marathon lately. Thought you might be interested in joining me, for at least one of the movies lol][Armie: Extended or theatrical release?][Ben: What kind of person DOESN’T watch the extended edition? Lol][Armie: I am SO in!]He paused. He had just made plans with Enric. While he knew his time with Enric would be filled with more than just studying, he wasn’t sure he’d have nearly as much fun with him as he would Ben. Yes, if Ben were willing, he’d kiss those beautiful lips and every inch of his body. But his relationship with the man was platonic and he knew it always would be.[Armie: I forgot, I already made plans with my tutor. I’ll be studying all night. Maybe tomorrow?][Ben: Studying is important! Don’t forsake those plans for me. Sure, tomorrow will be fine. Can’t wait! Good luck with your studies!]Armie smiled. Ben was probably the sweetest person he’d ever met. He was a little sad about not spending time with him that night, but he looked forward to see him the following.That evening, Armie studied with Enric at his place. They’d gone over a section about corporate law, shared a bottle of wine, and were now making out on the couch. Armie was enjoying himself, but his mind kept drifting back to Ben; thinking about them sitting on his sofa together, engrossed in a film. “Everything alright?” Enric asked, pulling away from their heated kisses.Armie smiled at him. “Absolutely. I just thought, perhaps, we could take this to your room,” he suggested through ragged breaths.Enric chuckled. “That sounds delightful.”***Ben answered the door, wearing an apron and a large smile. “Hi! Come in!” He ushered Armie inside.“Well, don’t YOU look domestic,” he teased.“I was making cookies,” he told him. “The chocolate chip recipe you gave me.”“Really? And how are they?”“Come see for yourself.” Armie followed Ben to the kitchen. The oven was on with a baking sheet of a dozen cookies baking, while on the counter there were several cooling racks with cookies that were ready to be eaten. Ben grabbed one off the cooling rack and handed it to him. “Try it.”Armie accepted the sweet and took a bite. He closed his eyes as he let the sugary goodness settle on his tongue. “Oh, my God, I mean, gosh, these are amazing!”“Followed the recipe exactly like you told me.”“Maybe you should give up being a priest and just make these for a living,” he joked.Ben chuckled. “I don’t think I’d get quite the same feeling of fulfilment.” Just then, the timer rang, so Ben turned away to get the batch out of the oven.Armie watched him quietly. The man was more than handsome and he moved so effortlessly. He continued chatting as he put the batch on the cooling racks. He was lost in watching him that he almost missed what Ben had asked.“How was your study session last night?”“Oh, um, it went well. Enric has REALLY been working me hard. He’s an excellent teacher.”Ben smiled. “Well, I’m sure you’re an excellent student.” He turned the oven off, took off his apron and hung it over the back of a chair. “Ready for the movie?”“Hell, yes, I am!”Ben and Armie made themselves comfortable on opposite sides of the couch, a plate of cookies on the coffee table and a bowl of popcorn between them. Armie tried not to think about the times their hands accidentally touched when they both reached into the popcorn bowl at the same time. Ben had nice hands; they were soft against his own.Half-way through the movie, Ben glanced over at Armie. He’d made himself comfortable in the corner of the couch, his feet tucked up under him, his arms wrapped around himself. “Are you cold?”“A little.”Ben stood up. “I’ll get you a blanket.”“You don’t have to do that. I’m fine. Really.”“Don’t argue with me,” he replied sternly. “You are a guest in my house and I intend to make sure you’re comfortable.”“Yes, Father,” he teased.Ben glared at him playfully. “Don’t be a butt.” He left the room. He didn’t have extra blankets around, so he pulled the fleece blanket he had on his bed and brought it out to him. He handed it to him as he sat back down. “That gonna be okay?”Armie smiled at him as he wrapped himself in the soft material. “More than okay.” It smelt faintly of Ben. By the time they’d finished the movie, it was nearly midnight. “I should head home,” Armie said with a yawn.“You gonna be okay to drive?” Ben asked concerned.He nodded. “I should be alright.”“If it’s easier, you’re more than welcome to stay the night,” Ben offered. Armie looked at him skeptically. Ben chuckled. “Not like that, I just meant, you could sleep here if it’d be too much to drive home.” He paused and added quietly, “I just want to make sure you’re safe.”Armie smiled. “I appreciate the offer, but I have a feeling you don’t have a spare room.” Ben shook his head. “And then you’d insist that I sleep in your bed and you’d take the couch and I wouldn’t feel right about that and we’d argue about it until one of us decides we’ll just BOTH take the bed.”“Oh… Um…” Ben appeared to be at a loss for words.Armie chuckled. “It’s fine.” He stood up. “I’ll be alright to drive home. I promise.”Ben nodded. “Text me when you get home then.”“Your concern is touching.” He stretched. “Thank you for the invite. I had a great time.”“Sure. I like spending time with you. You’ve become one of my favorite people.”Armie laughed. “Same.” He went to Ben and wrapped his arms around him, hugging him gently. He pulled away and looked at him with a soft smile. “Have a good night, my friend.”Ben escorted him to the door and watched him as he got into his car and drove away. Hugging your friends was normal, he reminded himself. He hugged Poe and Finn all the time, but it had felt different when Armie had put his arms around him. He reminded himself that his attraction wasn’t wrong, he was only human, but he knew he couldn’t act on it. He decided to take a shower before going to bed, hoping the cool water would help him ease away the thoughts on his mind.As Armie drove home, he questioned why he’d hugged him. They’d never done it before. Yes, Ben had held his hands on several occasions, usually when he was helping him through a panic attack, but hugging him had been something else entirely. The more he thought on it, the more he realized he’d never been the one to initiate their physical affection before; it had always been Ben. Over the last several months of their friendship he’d become incredibly comfortable with him. He wasn’t sure he’d ever been so comfortable with someone before.
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Ben sat in the confessional booth quietly as he listened to a young woman on the other side. “I have lusted after another man,” she admitted. “I’ve spoken with my husband about this already and he said he forgives me, that I just need to seek forgiveness from the Lord now, but I don’t know if I can forgive myself.”“What is keeping you from forgiving yourself?” he questioned.“I’ve broken my husband’s trust,” she sobbed quietly.Ben was quiet for a moment. “But he forgives you?”She sniffled. “Yes.”“Do you believe the Lord God loves all of His children?”“Yes! Of course!”“And you believe that Christ died for our sins, do you not?”“Yes.”Ben smiled. “Forgiveness is a gift God has given us. To not accept that forgiveness and forgive ourselves would be us telling God His gift isn't good enough.”She fell silent. “I suppose.”“God WANTS us to return to heaven. He is not JUST a just God but He is a merciful one as well. He WANTS you to accept His grace and forgive yourself. It’s wonderful you have your husband’s support; not all men can overcome their jealousy like that. For your penance, I ask that you find a way to serve your husband; in whatever capacity you feel is appropriate, but it must be something above and beyond what you do for him on a daily basis. Do you understand?”“Yes, Father.”Ben liked taking confessions, it was a simple way for him to give back to his congregation. Confessions were meant to be anonymous, but he’d gotten to know his parishioners well and was often certain he knew who was in the confession booth with him. He finished the confession and the young woman went on her way. Ben waited for another twenty minutes before he exited his side of the booth; it appeared there was no one else coming in for confession that evening. He closed up the church and started walking home.There was a chill in the air, it was early August, but the fall weather was obviously on its way. They still had many warm days, but the evenings were getting cooler. Ben enjoyed his walks to and from the church; it gave him plenty of time to reflect. His thoughts rested on his new friend, Armie. He enjoyed the man’s company. He was open and honest with him; never shying away from uncomfortable topics. Ben was finally feeling like he was at a point where he could open up to him about his past. It still scared him to think about it; he feared it would change Armie’s perspective of him, but he wanted to share that side of himself with the other man. He decided to make a detour and headed for Armie’s place.Ben had only been there a few times, often meeting at Ben’s home was easier because Armie drove and he didn’t. But he still knew where it was. He felt his heart racing as he went up the stairs to the floor his apartment was on. He was just nervous about how he would be received for having called on him unexpectedly. He stood in front of his door and knocked three times.He heard muffled voices inside, and then the door opened. “Ben?” Armie greeted in surprise. “What are you doing here?”“I was on my way home from the church and thought I’d stop by to say hi.”“Oh, um, well, uh. It’s lovely to see you, but I’m… I’m in the middle of something.”The door was pulled open wider by a man who came up behind Armie. “Good evening,” he said with a kind smile. “A friend of yours, Armitage?”“Yes, um, Ben this is my associate, Enric Pryde. En, this is my friend, Ben.”Pryde’s smile widened. “Ah, yes, the young priest. Armitage has told me much about you. He tells me you’ve become quite good friends.”Ben nodded. “We have. He’s been quite a blessing to me over the last few months.”“Well, Armitage, why don’t you invite him in,” Pryde suggested.Ben could see the discomfort on Armie’s face. Was he embarrassed that Ben stopped by? “Please, come in,” he offered, not looking at him directly.“You’re obviously busy,” Ben replied. “I’d hate to intrude.”“Nonsense!” Pryde called out. “Come in!”Armie stepped aside and opened the door fully. “Please, come in,” he repeated.Ben stepped inside warily. “Would you care for a drink?” Pryde asked, as though he were hosting someone in his own home.“No, thank you, I don’t consume alcohol,” he answered.“Don’t consume alcohol,” Pryde mockingly echoed his words with a chuckle. “I thought wine was a part of your weekly… Whatever it is.”“Our service DOES consist of wine as a representation of the blood of Christ, but outside of that, it’s not a vice I’ve allowed myself,” he explained.Pryde chuckled from where he sat on the sofa. “Pity,” he replied as he took a long sip from the glass of red in his hand. “I’d ask you to join us for a glass,” he said, once he pulled it away from his lips.“Well, as I said, I can see that you’re busy. I should leave you to your evening.” He turned back to the door. Armie was quickly at his side and opened it.“It was really nice to see you,” he said as Ben stepped out. “I’m looking forward to joining you at Poe’s and Finn’s on Monday.”Ben turned to him. “I’m sorry for having stopped by like this.”Armie gave him a soft smile. “I always enjoy seeing you. Um, could I give you a ride home?”“No, I’ll be alright. You just enjoy your evening.”“You’ll text me when you get home, won’t you?” Armie asked.Ben smiled. “Of course. Have a good night.” He turned and walked away.Armie closed and locked the door. He then came back to the sofa and sat beside Pryde. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know he was coming by,” he offered.“Is there something going on between the two of you?” he asked as he sipped from his glass.Armie scoffed. “Of course not. He’s a priest.”“But you WANT there to be something, don’t you?”“No,” he tried to deny, but he was stunned silent as Pryde reeled his hand back and threw his glass at the wall.“Don’t lie to me, boy! I saw the way you looked at him!” he accused.Armie shook his head. “No, no, I-I didn’t! I… I’m sorry.”Pryde stood and began pacing the room. “Is that why you started calling me by that sweet little nickname you gave me? En. So I wouldn’t notice if you accidentally called out HIS name?!”“No!” he cried out. “Please, Enric, I’m sorry if I’ve upset you!” He knew he shouldn’t be scared, he’d dealt with this kind of thing all his life from his father, but it was different coming from a lover. His throat tightened as he tried to hold back his tears. He stood up and reached for the older man, wrapping his arms around his neck to pull him close. “You’re all I could ever want,” he whispered.Pryde rested a hand on his hip and stroked his hair with the other. “My dear boy, of course there’s nothing going on. How silly of me. But you can’t blame me for being jealous, can you? Another man stops by unexpectedly while I’m here with you, you can’t blame me for thinking there’s something more than a platonic relationship.”“Of course,” Armie agreed. “I’m sorry I made you worry.” He nuzzled his face against his neck and whispered, “Let me make it up to you.”Pryde smiled. “You know how best to do that, don’t you?”“Of course, I do,” he replied as he dropped down to his knees.***Ben was uncharacteristically quite as they drove to the half-way house together. “Are you alright?” Armie asked.Ben looked over at him. “Yeah, of course. Just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.”“I’m sorry. Something on your mind keeping you up?”Ben shook his head. “No, just couldn’t sleep.” He paused. “So, you didn’t mention it was one of the law firm partners who was tutoring you.”“No, I suppose I didn’t.”“He seemed… Well, he didn’t seem too happy I was there.”“He was just surprised,” Armie replied. “I was too. I would have asked you to stay longer, but… We were in the middle of studying.”“Yeah,” he said in turn. He wasn’t an idiot. He’d seen how disheveled their clothes had been and the wine stain on both of their lips had obviously not gotten there just from drinking from the glass. He knew it shouldn’t bother him, Armie was free to do what he wanted with his life, but there had been something off-putting about the other man. It could have been the fact that he seemed so much older than Armie, or the fact that he was his boss, but Ben hadn’t been comfortable about the situation at all. Ben wasn’t sure what it was, but he also knew it wasn’t his place to say anything. Yes, they were friends, but they’d only been so for a few months. He really didn’t feel he had any right to butt in on his life with his thoughts and opinions about it.Every other Monday, Ben and Armie volunteered at the half-way house. Armie had been hesitant at first, but Ben had been right, for the most part, these teenagers were just young adults and they wanted to be treated with respect and just needed someone to care about them. There were still those who wanted nothing to do with them, but there were others that always seemed excited when they came by. Armie did whatever was needed. That day he was asked to help a young man named Temmin with his chores. Everyone was expected to pitch in around the house and Temmin was usually really good about it, but he had an after-school job and he was having a hard time keeping up with his chores.“Thanks for helping me, man,” Temmin told him as he scrubbed the toilet. “I really appreciate it.”“I’d say I’m delighted, but I just don’t think that would be very honest,” he joked.Temmin laughed. “That’s fair.”“So, how are your classes going?” Armie asked. Temmin had told him previously that he was taking classes at the local community college, hoping he’d have his AA completed by the time he graduated.He sighed. “I don’t know if I can keep up. Between regular school and football and now having a job, I’m just feeling a bit burnt out.”Armie nodded. “That happens easily. It’ll be worth it though, I promise. Most people don’t even attend college, let alone while they’re still in high school. And of those that DO attend, probably half even get a degree. You’ll be ahead of everyone when you graduate. It’ll be a feat to be proud of.”Temmin smiled. “I know.”“In the mean time, if you need any help with anything, you can always reach out to me. I can’t promise I’ll be able to do anything, but I’ll try my best.”He nodded. “That’s appreciated. Right now, just helping me catch up on my chores is a HUGE help.”In the kitchen, Ben was helping with dinner prep. Poe looked over at him while he was cutting vegetables and said, “You know, we really appreciate you two coming over like you do. Most of the kids really like Mondays because they get to see you guys.”Ben smiled. “I’m just glad to know we’re making a difference.” He paused. “Where’s Kaydel?”“She was doing an overnight with her mom this weekend, should be back before dinner. Sounds like her mom is doing a lot better. She may be able to go home soon.”“That’d be good for her,” Ben replied.Poe nodded. “Yeah. I just get a little nervous every time one of them gets to reunite with their parents. I mean, I know they’re not my kids, but they all mean so damn much to me, ya know?”Ben nodded. “They ARE your kids, Poe. In a LOT of ways. And they appreciate you and Finn more than you know.”As they did when they came over to volunteer, Ben and Armie stayed for dinner. Some of the kids groaned audibly while others just rolled their eyes when Ben asked if anyone would mind if he offered prayer before they ate. These were the only times Armie had ever heard him pray. He liked that it sounded like he was just having a conversation with a friend; it was indicative of the relationship he had with his God.As they were leaving Temmin ran to catch up to them. “Hey, um, Armie.” He looked at him as he stood by the car door, waiting for him to continue. “Um, I’ve got a football game on Friday. I’d really like it if you came, if you wanted to. I mean, um, you too, Ben,” he added as an afterthought.“Oh, um, yeah, I’d love that,” he answered.Temmin smiled. “Cool. Friday at seven.”Armie nodded. “I’ll definitely be there.”“Cool. Night.” He turned and headed back into the house.Ben smiled over at Armie. “Well, seems like you’re better with kids than you thought,” he teased as they both climbed inside the car.“Well, they’re just young adults after all,” Armie replied, starting the car. “I just try to think about the kind of adult I needed around when I was their age and I try to be that for them,” he reiterated Ben’s words from the first time he’d dragged him over.Ben chuckled. “Exactly. So, Friday?”Armie glanced over at him as he drove. “Care to join me then?”Ben couldn’t stop smiling. “I’d love to.”***Armie could feel the anxiety rising up as they sat there in the bleachers. He hadn’t been to a high school football game since HE was in school and he did that rarely. The crowd around him was loud and the air was cold, he was glad he’d warn a jacket. He glanced over at Ben and smiled. The man was more excited than some of the parents were. “Yea! Temmin!” he shouted as he blocked another opponent from getting the player heading for the end zone.“I never would have expected you to be a football fan,” Armie told him.Ben sat back down. “I’m not. I just get really excited when the kids invite us to stuff like this. Kaydel had a science fair she was in last month that she invited me to. I totally didn’t understand it, but she’s like incredibly smart. I swear she’s gonna work for NASA or something someday.”Armie smiled and focused on the game again. Temmin was a big guy, built for the game. He was strong and kept most of the opponents away from whomever had the ball on their team. There were a handful that were more agile than he was and able to sneak past him, but if it had to deal with brute force, no one was a match for him. The team lost by two touch downs, but it was an exciting game. Ben and Armie descended the steps to meet Temmin and congratulate him. “You were remarkable,” Armie told him.His smile was almost as broad as his shoulders. “Thanks. My dad hasn’t been able to come so, I appreciate you showing up.”“We had a great time,” Ben told him. “You did great.”“Thanks. I’ve gotta go. But thanks for coming!” he shouted as he joined the rest of his teammates as they went their ways to gather gear and leave with their own friends and families.Ben turned to Armie. “Care to grab dinner?”“Why don’t I take you to my place, I’ll make something.”Ben was surprised how at ease he felt in Armie’s home. It was a small one-bedroom apartment, but it was warm and welcoming. He didn’t have any pictures or artwork on the walls, but he did have bookshelves overflowing with books. The first time he’d been over, he was amazed at the number and variety he had. “Some of these titles are surprising,” Ben said as he perused his selection.“Like what?”Ben pulled a book from the shelf. “I don’t know. There’s just a lot of YA novels around here. I never expected to see YOU reading something by John Green,” he teased.Armie shrugged. “I’m not saying he’s Tolkien, but I enjoy his works. It’s all fiction, it’s about pulling me out of the real world, why not indulge a little?”Ben smiled as he put the book back in its place. “Your taste in reading material certainly varies.”“I don’t see any reason to tie myself down to one particular genre. If it’s good, I read it. If it’s not, I don’t.”Ben looked over at him. “So, no classics then?” he asked with a chuckle.“There are SOME classics that are worth it, but a lot of them are only classics because they’re still around after such a long time. To Kill a Mockingbird was exceptional. While Tom Sawyer was boring as Hell, I mean, heck.”Ben smiled. “You know, a few curse words here and there aren’t going to bother me.”Armie smiled and shrugged as he glanced at the floor sheepishly. “I know, I just want to try to curb it around you, out of respect.”“That’s appreciated.”Too exhausted from the football game, Armie made a simple dinner of chicken fettucine alfredo. His kitchen was really too small to have a sensible table, so they ate in the living room at the coffee table. “How do you make something so simple taste so good?” Ben asked after his last bite.Armie scoffed with a smile. “It’s REALLY not that difficult. It’s just about knowing which spices work best with each other.”“Well, you are a magician in the kitchen,” Ben said setting his plate down. “I swear I’m about ready to hire you to be my personal chef.”Armie laughed. “Shut up, it’s not that good.”“I think you’re underselling yourself. Everything you’ve made has been amazing.”Armie could feel heat in his cheeks. He’d never been good at accepting compliments; he rarely was given them growing up. But hearing them from Ben felt even better than if they came from anyone else. Armie stood and took their plates to the sink. “You have any plans tomorrow?” he asked casually.“Probably just working on my sermon,” he answered.“So, a fun-filled day for you then,” he teased.Ben laughed. “I DO enjoy what I do.”“Well, someone should,” Armie replied as he sat back down on the couch. “Did you always want to be a priest?” he asked curiously.Ben shook his head. “I didn’t even go to seminary until I was twenty-five.”“Is that uncommon?”He shrugged. “Most men who want to become priests go to college as soon as they graduate, either a traditional college or a Minor seminary. Then they go to Major seminary school for a master’s degree. Most are twenty-two when they do.”“So you were three years older,” Armie replied with a laugh. “So what?”Ben looked down at his hands as he spoke in a soft tone. “I just definitely felt out of place. Believe me, the other guys wouldn’t let me forget I was three years older.”“You were teased by others who were studying to be priests? That doesn’t seem very Christian.”“Well, not everyone joins the priesthood for the right reasons.”“And what were YOUR reasons.”Ben took a deep breath. He finally felt comfortable enough with Armie to tell him more about his past. “My uncle was devoted. I mean, he wasn’t practicing except for Christmas and Easter, but he was definitely a God-fearing man.” He paused. “He raised me after my parents died. I didn’t make it easy for him either. God, I was a shitty kid.”Armie noticed his slip of using his Lord’s name in vain and then the following curse word, but he made no mention of it. Ben had been vague about his past, to say the least. Armie wasn’t about to do or say anything that would change his mind about telling him this narrative now.“I was angry. I mean, I’d lost both my parents and was forced to move nearly across the entire country to live with a man whom I hardly knew. My whole life was upended. I was more than ornery with him, I rarely listened. I snuck out all the time, cut class, went to parties with my friends. I was a real hellion.”Armie smiled, thinking about Ben as a moody teen, likely in an emo phase with heavy black eyeliner, wearing nothing but black with black painted finger nails. “I bet you were. What changed?”Ben sat back in his seat. “I went to juvie.”“You did not!”Ben laughed. “I DID! I was seventeen and me and my friends were picked up by the cops for underage drinking. I don’t know, just being in that jail cell scared the crap out of me. I never wanted to do that again. So, I turned my life around, got my grades up, actually graduated with a 3.2 GPA and went to college. I wanted to be a psych major, help other troubled souls.” He got quiet again. “My uncle passed away when I was twenty-three. Cancer. I felt like I needed to make up for how I was when I was a kid. I mean, I never REALLY apologized to him. I just stopped acting out and started putting my life back on course. I wanted to do something that I knew would make him proud. So, I started studying more about the church. Became a member and entered the priesthood.”“How long have you been ordained?”Ben thought about it. “Maybe five years now.”“You’re kidding? That’s it?”Ben smiled. “I’m very serious.”Armie sat back in his seat now and considered Ben for a moment. “I have a hard time imagining you as anything BUT a priest.”Ben chuckled. “Yeah, I feel that way too sometimes.”“I’m sure your uncle is proud of you.”Ben looked up at him. There was a sadness in his eyes, a sense of worry. “I hope so.”
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“Will we be studying this evening?” Pryde asked Armie as they kissed in the privacy of his office.Armie shook his head. “I have somewhere to be in the morning.” He went back to kissing the other man, but Pryde pulled away. “What?”“You have plans with that priest, don’t you?”Armie pursed his lips. “Yes, I have plans with Ben.”Pryde scoffed. “Of course, you do.” He paused. “I don’t like how much time you spend with him.” He traced his fingers up and down his spine gently. “Should I be jealous?”“I already told you, there’s nothing going on,” he assured him. Armie leaned in and kissed his neck. “I’ll probably be home late tomorrow night, but I can give you all of Sunday to show you just how much you shouldn’t worry,” he whispered in a sultry tone. Then he began kissing his neck again. “We can do whatever you want.”“Hmm, WHATEVER I want?”Armie felt like an idiot for having said that. He knew Pryde’s proclivities in this area and he wasn’t keen on exploring some of those ideas. He nodded. “Of course. ANYTHING you want.”“Then I look forward to your return.”Armie tried not to think about it as he dressed the next morning. He was just going to have fun with Ben and not think about Pryde at all. He dressed in his ‘going out’ attire; skinny jeans and a plain dark blue t-shirt, with a zip-up hoodie. Ben was waiting for him on the front porch when he arrived. Armie couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He was in black cargo pants, with a tight black t-shirt and a black mesh top. He knew Ben was a priest, but the man before was anything but that.“Morning,” Ben called to him with a bright smile.“You look amazing,” Armie commented.Ben looked down at his attire. “Oh, just something I threw together last night. You look really comfortable.”“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Armie teased. He shrugged. “I don’t like to sacrifice comfort for style.”Ben smiled at him as he stepped down from the porch. “Are you saying I do?”“You dress to impress,” Armie answered. “Which there’s nothing wrong with.”He shrugged. “Only person I’m trying to impress is the Lord.”“Oh, I think He’d very much like what you’re wearing. I know I do.” He gave him an overly dramatic wink, making Ben laugh.The drive to the music festival was about an hour, but Ben was looking forward to the time with Armie. “So, you grew up here then?”Armie nodded. “Born and raised. My father and his wife were high school sweethearts. He came back here after he finished law school.” He paused. “He met my mom not long after that. I’m still surprised my step-mother stayed with him after that. Sometimes I wish she hadn’t. She wasn’t really pleased when I came to live with them after my mom passed.”“Was she awful to you or something?” Ben asked concerned.Armie shrugged. “Maratelle was an awful human being in general. She was awful to everyone; I was no exception.” He chuckled. “Ironically, my father divorced her because she cheated on him.”“Wow, that IS something.”“Tell me about YOUR parents. What were they like?”Ben thought about it. “My mom was amazing. My dad was too. They were kind of the ideal parents. And they loved each other. I mean, my dad pretty much worshiped my mom. And she loved him back just as much. They were perfect for each other.” He paused and got really quiet. “I always hoped to find what they had.”Armie glanced over at him. “Was it worth it? Giving it up for God?”Ben looked over at him. “I’d give up anything for God.”Armie chuckled. “I don’t know if you’d give up ANYTHING. I’ve come to find out how much you LOVE peanut butter cookies,” he joked.Ben threw his head back and laughed. “I don’t think any good God would ask me to give THAT up.”Armie respected the fact that Ben believed in something so much that he was willing to sacrifice other parts of his life. Armie wasn’t sure he believed in ANYTHING that much. And he CERTAINLY didn’t believe in anything enough to give up sex. He knew he could never live the life Ben led. Since becoming friends with him, he had started to truly consider WHAT he believed in. He supposed there was something more to life than just living and then dying, but he wasn’t sure WHAT more there was. He’d considered asking Ben more about his theological beliefs, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up either. There was no way he was going to convert to an organized religion that was opposed to so much of who and what he was; a promiscuous homosexual.Parking was already packed by the time they got there, but they found a spot eventually. “I am SO excited for this! Thanks for coming with me,” Ben told him with a smile.“Of course,” Armie replied. “I’ve been looking forward to this since you asked me to join you.”There were several small stages set up through-out the entire arena with local bands playing off and on through the day. There were a few Armie was familiar with and excitedly pulled Ben along to see them. Between the musical performances, they’d found their way to the merch tent. Armie felt juvenile for purchasing t-shirts from some of his favorite bands, but Ben was encouraging. Ben was, surprisingly, into accessories and purchased a new leather bracelet and a spiked collar.“Maybe you should wear THAT one to church instead of your white one,” Armie joked.Ben laughed. “I think Father Krennic would flip his lid! It’d almost be worth it.”They had lunch from one of the many food vendors there and then went back to see some of the other performances. The evening schedule had a couple of big named bands on the main stage. Armie loved watching Ben in the flashing lights as he sang along and cheered just as loudly as those around them. It was like he was a completely different person.“Dance with me!” Ben yelled at him over the din.“What?!”Ben pulled him close. “Dance with me,” he repeated. Ben was moving to the beat of the music, his eyes closed, lost in the feel of it. Armie moved along with him. It wasn’t the kind of music you danced to. Head-banged, sure, but not danced. Armie watched his companion; Ben moved with a grace and ease he was in awe of.“You’re crazy. You know that?” he called to him over the music.Ben opened his eyes and smiled. “I know. And you love it!” He laughed.Armie bit his lip. He did. He loved everything about the other man. His devotion and his kindness. His honesty and open-mindedness. The way his eyes crinkled at the sides when he laughed or smiled. The unintentional way he awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck when he was embarrassed. He did. He absolutely loved him. Armie stepped closer and wrapped his arms around his neck. Ben stopped moving, surprised at the sudden touch. Armie couldn't stop himself from drawing closer to him. Ben stood completely still, not moving in closer as well, but not pushing him away either. “I do,” he admitted. His face was now inches away from Ben’s. He wanted to close that gap between them, press his lips against his. He wanted more from him than he knew he had any right to ask for. So, he rested his forehead against his. “You’re a wonderful friend,” he finally said. Armie pulled away.They stayed until nearly one o’clock in the morning. Ben slept the whole ride back home. Armie looked over at him and smiled. He was adorable with his hair disheveled and mouth hanging slightly open. Armie turned his attention back to the road. He’d had so much fun with Ben; he could see himself doing stuff like this with him for the rest of his life. His heart sank. No, he couldn’t. Ben lived a completely different life from him. Ben was a man devoted to God. While he was man devoted to nothing. Nothing beyond his own whims and desires. Why would Ben want him? Even if Ben WASN’T a priest, it wasn’t like he was some kind of catch. Armie tried not to think about it as he drove.He pulled into Ben’s driveway and parked. He tapped his shoulder to wake him. Ben opened his eyes and blinked. “Hey.” He sat up. “Sorry I fell asleep.”“No worries. It was a long day.”“It was, but I had a great time,” Ben replied. “Again, thanks for coming with me.”“Are you kidding? I had a great time! Thank you for asking me to come along.”Ben smiled. “I couldn’t imagine having done this with anyone else.”Armie felt his heart clenching tightly. Those words touched him in ways he’d never have expected. Why was he feeling this way? He had Enric now. But he couldn’t imagine doing anything like this with him. Actually, they’d never done anything out together once they’d started sleeping together. “Well, I had a great time.”Ben opened the door to get out. “Let me know when you get home.”“As always. Have a good night.” Armie watched him stumble into his house before he drove home himself.Ben collapsed on his bed. He WAS exhausted. They’d stayed longer than they’d planned, but Ben didn’t want the night to end. He stared at the ceiling as thoughts he’d been fighting plagued his mind. He was lonely. The only time he DIDN’T feel that way was when he was with Armie. He SHOULDN’T feel that way. He had God with him, but He was starting to feel more and more distant. Ben sighed. He sat up and got his bible out from his side table drawer. He’d been reading in Psalms lately; he always found comfort in those verses. He began where he’d left off, on the 73rd chapter. He read the verses, but he wasn’t truly comprehending them. Then he stopped as he came across the 25th verse. ‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee’. He stared at those words. He read them over and over. ‘None that I desire beside thee.’ But he did. He KNEW he did.He felt the rage boil up inside him. He threw the book across the room. “Haven’t I done everything You’ve asked of me, Lord?!” he cried out. “Why won’t you take these feelings from me?! I want to serve You… AND I want him,” he admitted quietly. “I know I shouldn’t.” Tears filled his eyes. “Forgive me, please, Father!”***Armie hated the fact that he wasn’t looking forward to spending time with Enric. When had that happened? He’d started out being grateful for his willingness to tutor him, and then as their relationship shifted, he was enjoying himself, but now… Now it felt more like an obligation to be with him.Enric greeted him with a smile. “How was your day yesterday?” he asked as they made themselves comfortable on the couch.“It was nice,” he answered simply. He wasn’t about to tell him about almost kissing Ben. “We should do something like that together some time,” he suggested.“Do what? Go to a concert in the park?” he mocked. “Don’t be silly.”“No, I just meant we should go out, just the two of us. We could go to the symphony. Or perhaps an art exhibit or something.”Enric looked at him skeptically. “Why the sudden interest in us going out together?”He shrugged. “I just thought it would be nice.” He paused. “Do you not want to be seen out with me?”“Oh, Armitage, not at all!” He touched his cheek tenderly. “I just prefer to keep you to myself. Do you not enjoy our time in together?”“I do!” he quickly answered. “I just-”“Then, it’s decided,” he interrupted, “we’ll stay in.” Then he leaned in and kissed him. Armie sighed into the kiss, but it wasn’t a sigh of pleasure, no, it was one of defeat.Ben had woken early. He needed to confess his sins; his lustful desire for another man. He couldn’t go to either of the other priests in the parish. Yes, confessions were supposed to be anonymous, but if he was requesting a confession, anonymity wasn’t something that was going to happen. He called Bishop Erso and asked him to meet him before Mass.“Father Ben,” he greeted warmly as he entered his office. “Please, have a seat.”Ben closed the door behind him and took the seat across from him. “Thank you for seeing me, Your Grace.”“Of course. What seems to be the trouble?”Ben took a deep breath. “I’m in need of confession,” he answered, not meeting his eyes.Bishop Erso nodded solemnly. “Of course. Go on, my son.”The words felt like ash in his mouth as he began the words of the confession. “It has been three weeks since my last confession.” He paused. “Since that time, I have sinned. I have been wrathful. I have been prideful. I have made light about sacred things. And I have been… Lustful.”“Well, we are human. Anything else?”Ben knew he didn’t need to go into detail, it wasn’t necessary, but he feared his absolution wouldn’t be real if he wasn’t honest about it. “I’ve been spending a lot of time with this person,” he added. “Perhaps even shirking my duties in order to do so.”Erso nodded. “How so?”“Well, I…” he wasn’t sure how to answer that. Was he neglecting his duties as a priest in order to spend time with Armie? He’d made sure to have his sermon completed before they went out just in case they got back late. He was still going out and serving the community regularly, even gotten Armie to join him so they could spend more time together.Bishop Erso nodded encouragingly. “Yes?”“Well, I suppose I haven’t. It just… Sometimes it feels like I’m putting them before the Lord.”“Well, then for penance, I’m going to ask that you rededicate your time to the Lord.”Ben nodded. It was fair. It was a vague penance, but he trusted Bishop Erso and his wisdom. After finishing his confession, he felt at peace.
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“You doing anything for Thanksgiving?” Ben asked Armie while they hung out in Ben’s living room. They’d just gotten done watching a movie and now they were just hanging out.Armie shook his head. “We’ve never been a family who does holidays. I mean, Mom would cook a small meal for just the two of us, but nothing big; it seemed silly to do a huge meal for just her and I. And once I started living with Father and his wife… They weren’t big about celebrating Thanksgiving. What are YOUR plans?”“Doing dinner with Poe and Finn at the house. A lot of the kids are able to spend Thanksgiving with their families, but there’s still a lot that don’t.” He paused. “You could come along, if you wanted. I’m sure they’d be happy to have you there.”He shrugged. “I don’t see why not,” he replied. It wasn’t like his boyfriend or partner, he still wasn’t sure how to label what he and Enric were, was going to ask him along for a family dinner or anything. “If you don’t think they’ll mind you bringing a plus one.”Ben chuckled. “I really don’t think they’ll mind if my plus one is YOU.”“Do you know which of the kids will be there?” he asked curiously. There were a few he wasn’t fond of, but overall, he’d gotten along with most of the kids in the house. And, of course, there were the few he’d grown particularly close to. Temmin and Rey in particular. One of the last times they’d been there, Rey had come outside with him when he’d stepped out for a smoke.“Can I have one?” she asked.Armie chuckled. “Do you know how much trouble I’d get into if I DID give you one?”She shrugged. She wrapped her coat around herself a bit tighter. “You taking your LSAT soon?”He took a deep breath, sucking in the smoke to his lungs before letting it out. He nodded. “They actually have it available to take in December this year; I’ve signed up for it. I should have signed up to take it this month, but I’m still so anxious about it.”Rey nodded. “I don’t take tests well either. I mean, I KNOW the stuff, but as soon as there’s a test in front of me so I can PROVE I know what I know, it’s like my head just empties.”“I know that feeling,” he replied. “I think I’m just worried about disappointing others. I feel too much of a need to prove myself that I can’t think straight.”“That makes sense.”Armie took another drag on his cigarette. “Ben told me you got an A on that history test you were studying for. Good job!”Rey smiled, looking down at the ground. “Yeah.” She looked up, meeting Armie’s gaze. “Don’t tell Ben, but he was the first person I wanted to tell when I got my test back. He really helped me a lot with studying for it.”“He’s a good guy.”“He is,” Rey agreed.Ben told him that both Rey and Temmin would be there. “Kaydel is back with her mom,” he added. “She seemed really excited. I know Poe was anxious about it; he always gets that way when the kids are able to go home.”“He’s got a big heart,” Armie replied. “I’m not sure I could do what he and Finn do. I mean, I won’t lie, I’ve grown fond of Temmin and I don’t know if I ever want him to go back to his parents. It sounds like his dad is trying, but I still get scared for him.”Ben smiled. “It’s sweet to see how much you care about them.”Armie chuckled. “I blame YOU. I never would have thought of myself as someone who liked kids.”“Do you think you want any of your own?” Ben asked curiously.He paused. “You know, I’ve never thought about it before. I mean, I’m gay, so it’s not like I’m going to procreate naturally with any of my partners.” Ben laughed, but let him continue. “So, maybe. I don’t know. Did YOU ever want kids?”Ben shook his head. “It was never a part of my plan. I mean, my first girlfriend, before we had sex the first time, we talked about it and I told her that if I was willing to have sex then that meant I was willing to take responsibility of whatever happened if anything ever did.”Armie shook his head. “It is still weird to me to think of YOU as once being sexually active.”Ben laughed. “I TOLD you, my call came later to me than most. I was a different person before I chose this path.”“I still have a hard time seeing you as anything other than a priest.”Ben stood up. “I think I have some old scrapbooks around here. Hang on.” He left the room and a few minutes later came back with a couple of scrapbooks. He sat back down and opened one up. “These were from elementary school.”Armie accepted the binder and looked. He laughed loudly. “Ben, you were adorable! Just look at you!”Ben smiled. “I was NOT adorable. I was awkward and NOT cute at all.” They flipped through a few pages. “This was one of the first trips we’d taken to visit my uncle Luke. That was a miserable summer.”“You look so thrilled,” he teased.They went through the albums. It was strange to get a glimpse of Ben’s past like this. Even with the evidence in front of him, it was still hard to think of Ben having a life before going into the priesthood. “Was this Prom?” he asked when he came across his high school pictures.Ben chuckled. “Yeah. That was my first girlfriend, Jessika. She was a sweetheart. Not gonna lie, I’d have probably ended up marrying her if we hadn’t attended different colleges. I thought about following her, but I wanted to stay close to home. Luke was all I had left.”Armie looked at him, a serious expression on his face. “Do you ever regret it? Making the decision to become a priest? I mean, you’d still be you, you’d still likely do volunteer work and still have a relationship with God, but you could have had the girl of your dreams, a couple of kids. Probably a dog and a white picket fence.”Ben laughed. “Yeah, maybe. But, no, I know I’m where I belong. I’m doing what I know I need to be doing.” He paused. “Besides, if I’d never become a priest, I’d have never met YOU,” he added as he nudged him with his shoulder.Armie chuckled. That was a fair point. Though there would never be anything more between them than a friendship, he’d never have had Ben in his life at all if he hadn’t chosen that path for his life. Though he ached to have more with him, he was grateful he’d come into his life nonetheless.***Ben felt a little silly Christmas shopping with Poe. Poe, of course, wanted to go shopping without Finn, wanting to get him something special without him know. Ben was hoping to get something for Armie while they were out.“I don’t know what to get him,” Ben admitted.“I have the same problem with Finn every year,” Poe replied. “I’ve been with him for seven years and I STILL don’t know what to buy him for Christmas or his birthday.”“Well, I haven’t known Armie that long,” Ben quipped. “And we’re not together.”“It’s too bad. He’s cute.”Ben smiled to himself. “Yeah, he is.”Poe looked over at him. “Dude! You like him, don’t you?!”“What?! No, we’re friends.”Poe laughed. “You TOTALLY like him! Admit it!”Ben sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it.”“Come on, bro, just because you’re a priest, doesn’t mean you don’t have desires. And Armie is REALLY attractive.”Ben sighed again. “He’s a beautiful person, inside and out.”Poe grew quiet. “I get it. I mean, I don’t agree with your religion, but I get that it’s what you’ve chosen. It sucks to feel like you’re being pulled in two different directions. It must be hard when what you believe and what you want don’t coincide.”Ben had felt like that a lot since meeting Armie. He loved God, but shouldn’t there be room enough for him to love Armie as well?Armie had never liked Christmas; not since his mom had passed. His step-mom had been awful to him as soon as he moved in with his father and something about the giving season made her even more cruel toward him. He was certain she resented him for everything he represented; her husband’s infidelity, but that wasn’t his fault. He remembered that first Christmas in his father’s home. He was still grieving his mom’s death but Maratelle had been nothing but unkind to him nonetheless. “What are you doing in here?” she demanded when she walked into the kitchen and saw him milling about, working on making something.He looked up from his mixing bowl. “Oh, um, I… Mom and I always made sugar cookies for Christmas. I just thought-”“Thought you would make a mess of my kitchen!? Get out!”“But I-”“I said to get out!” she screamed. She grabbed the mixing bowl and threw it into the sink. “Get out of here! You little bastard!”Armie quickly ran out and to his room. He closed the door and curled in on himself, sobbing.He asked Ben to come over and make those very same sugar cookies with him. He wanted a warm presence with him. “I’ve never made sugar cookies before,” Ben admitted as he cut out a few different shapes in the dough. “My mom’s idea of Christmas baking was buying the premade doughs at the grocery store,” he joked.“That is probably the first time I’ve ever heard you say anything bad about your mom,” Armie teased back. “My mom and I would spend a whole day JUST making cookies. We did baking through the entire month, but these were my absolute favorite.” He laughed. “She was NOT happy with me the year I cut some cookies into penis shapes.”Ben laughed loudly. “Why am I NOT surprised by that?”After they were done baking, they brought them over to Poe’s and Finn’s. Many of the kids were back with family for the holidays, but there were still a number of them that were still at the house. It always seemed the holiday season made parents want to try to be better to get their kids back. Those who were still there, had helped put up decorations and were now in the living room watching Christmas movies.Armie felt odd sharing the holidays with other people. He hadn’t really celebrated the holidays since his mom had passed. His father had never been a warm person and his step-mom had never liked him. In some ways, she was almost worse than his father had been. He was more than happy when she and his father finally divorced.Ben and Armie left when they felt they’d warn out their welcome, but Ben invited him inside when they got back to his place; he still wanted to spend time with him.“I have my LSAT test next week,” Armie mentioned.Ben smiled. “Yeah? I’m sure you’re gonna do great.”Armie stared down at the mug of cocoa in his hands. “I hope so. I’ve been studying my ass off.”Ben nodded. He knew that was true; he and Armie were spending less and less time together because he was usually busy studying. He still didn’t like Armie being with Enric, but he’d already spoken his mind on the subject; Armie was going to do what he wanted, so it was better to leave sleeping dogs lie.“So, what’s going on with you and Enric?” he’d asked him one night.“What do you mean?” Armie replied.Ben shrugged. “You’ve been spending a lot of time together, I just assumed that there was something going on.”“No, just studying.”Ben scoffed. “I’m not stupid, Armie, I know there’s more going on.” He paused. “It’s none of my business, but I’m just worried for you.”“Worried about what?”Ben took a deep breath. “Listen, I know a little about things like this. I mean, you’ve got a strained relationship with your father and Enric is the same age as him, do you think maybe you’re trying to substitute your father’s love for his?”“Excuse me?”“I’m just saying, that your relationship isn’t really a healthy one.”Armie chuckled, but it wasn’t a sound of mirth. “My relationship with Enric isn’t a healthy one,” he echoed. “Well, you’re right, it’s none of your business. What I choose to do and with whom I choose to do it with is none of your concern.”Ben sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry I said anything.”Ben looked at him now. “You HAVE been studying like crazy.” He paused. “We should go out and do something, just to relax, maybe catch a movie or something.”Armie smiled. “I don’t remember the last time I went out and saw a movie. What did you have in mind?”Ben shrugged. “I’m not really up to date on movies that are current,” he chuckled. “But, and let me finish before you say ‘no’, my church is doing an annual showing of Charlie Brown Christmas this weekend.”Armie laughed. “You’ll do almost anything to get me to go to church, won’t you?”“Short of tying you up and dragging you there, nearly.”“I don’t think I’d mind being tied up,” he teased with a chuckled. “But in all seriousness…” He still didn’t like the idea of being around religious folks. But it was BEN! If he had any REAL influence on the congregation, they might be more open-minded than he assumed. “Yeah, why not?”Ben’s eyes lit up. “Seriously! Oh, man, you are gonna love it. They do a whole thing, apparently, the choir leads us in some carols and there’s hot apple cider and home-made cocoa. You’re gonna love it.”Watching how happy Ben was at his acceptance to the evening at his church, he realized he’d do almost anything to make him that happy. That smile filled him with more joy than he’d ever had in his life; he wanted to see more of it.***Ben had to be at the church to help set up, so Armie arrived later. He could feel his heart pounding through almost every point in his body, he was so nervous. He hadn’t stepped foot inside a church building since he was a child. His mom hadn’t been devout, but she attended on Christmas and Easter. Armie wasn’t even sure what denomination she was beyond just Christian. He’d dressed in slacks and a button-up shirt, not wanting to embarrass himself or Ben by being underdressed. The other attendees were a mix of casual and church dress.He took several deep breaths, telling himself that he was safe. Ben would never put him in harms way; he was safe here. He felt his throat tighten as tears threatened to form. He was here for Ben. He wanted to do this, but there was another side of him that wanted to turn and run out the door. It was getting harder to breathe and he was about ready to leave, when he saw Ben. Their eyes connected and he smiled. Every fear and anxiety washed away at the sight of that smile. Ben approached him. “Evening, Armie.”Armie smiled politely. “Good evening to you too, Father,” he teased.Ben laughed. “That’s right, you’ve never seen me in my vestments before. What do you think?” he asked, raising his arms to show off his uniform.“They suit you,” he teased. “Though I won’t deny, I think I like you better with fishnet gloves.”Ben chuckled. “Wouldn’t that be a sight. Priest robes with fishnet gloves.” He paused. “I’m really glad you came.” Then he pulled him into a strong embrace. All the anxiety Armie thought had left his body had now rushed back in. Ben was touching him in public! What would anyone think!? He was about to hug him back, when Ben pulled away and grabbed his hand. “Come, there’s someone who wants to say ‘hi’.” Ben pulled him along through the small crowd to another man dressed in priest’s robes. “Your Excellency, Erso,” he called to the man, to get his attention; he let go of Armie’s hand at the same time. “You remember my friend, Armie?”The older man smiled. “Yes, it’s lovely to see you! Father Ben said he’d invited you, but he was having his doubts on you attending. How are you?”“Well. And yourself?”“Well,” he echoed. “I’m glad you’ve come. Perhaps you’ll join us for church next,” he suggested with a wink.Armie chuckled. “Not likely, but I appreciate the invitation.”“It never hurts to ask. Father Ben says you’ve been working with him at the foster-house. How’s that been?”“I wasn’t sure I was going to like it at first,” he admitted. “I don’t really have any experience with children, but I’ve grown fond of them. It’s obvious the kids really like Ben too. They always seem excited when he comes by.”Erso smiled. “Father Ben is always a joy to have around. We’ve been very blessed to have him join our congregation.” He paused. “I do need to make my rounds to the other parishioners, but it was wonderful to see you again.” He offered him his hand.Armie smiled as he accepted it. “You as well.”“Be sure to get some cider. My niece helped make it. She’s in the kitchen. I’m sure she’d love to have you come by and say ‘hello’.”“I’ll be sure to do so,” he replied.As Bishop Erso stepped away, Armie turned to Ben. “So, you talk about me a lot, do you?”“What? Oh, no, I mean, just as much as I would any other friend,” Ben answered quickly, but his face had started to flush. “Um, so, yeah, uh, Jyn is in the kitchen, we should go stop by.” Ben quickly turned and Armie followed, smiling to himself at how flustered Ben had become.Jyn was in the kitchen, serving cups of cocoa and cider. “Armie?” she asked in surprise. “It’s nice to see you again. I never expected to see YOU here.”“Ben convinced me to join this evening. He said, the cider was something I shouldn’t miss out on.”Jyn poured a cup for each of them. “Well, I think it’s pretty great, but I may be a little biased on the subject. What do you think?”Armie sipped from the Styrofoam cup. “This is good. You made this?”She nodded. “Old family recipe. I also make a mean hard hot apple cider. You should try it some time.”“I’ll stick to the virgin stuff,” Ben commented with a smile.“So, do you come out for these kinds of things often?” Armie asked her. “I thought you weren’t a member of the congregation.”“I’m not,” she answered. “I practice the same religion TECHNICALLY, but I’m a member of an independent church. We’re a lot more forward-thinking than some of these old bats.”Ben laughed. “Hey, I’m one of those ‘old bats’, just like your uncle.”Jyn giggled. “No offence.” She looked back at Armie. “If you ever have an interest in checking it out, let me know. We’d love to have you.”Armie nodded. “I might. Thank you,” he said raising his cup to her before he and Ben parted. “So, what’s an independent church?” he asked Ben. “And how does it differ from yours?”Ben shrugged. “Like she said, still a part of the same religion, but their beliefs are a bit more ala carte, I suppose you could say. Still the same core beliefs and practices, but with some slight variations. They’re actually very LGBT friendly.”“Really?” he asked surprised. “Not many Christian churches are.”“Yeah, but Jyn’s is. I mean, I would hope so; her girlfriend IS one of the head pastors.”Armie didn’t know what to think about this new information. “You are literally making my head explode right now.”Ben laughed. “Didn’t think you’d come tonight thinking you might actually join church, did you?”“I didn’t say that,” he replied with a chuckle. “It’s just nice to know there are options.”Ben paused. “Jyn’s girlfriend actually asked me if I’d give a sermon one of these Sundays. Probably after the new year sometime, but I’d like it if you’d come. I think you might actually enjoy yourself.”He looked Ben in the eyes; there was that look again, the one of fear of rejection and hope of acceptance. How had he come to this point? He loved him. If they were different people in a different time and place, he’d be with him. He knew he’d do nearly anything for him. He nodded. “You tell me when and where and I’ll be there.”
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Armie tried not to think about Ben the next night while he was having dinner with Enric. The other man droned on about the case he was working; Armie tried to pay attention, but his thoughts continued to drift to Ben and the night before.“You probably have other members of the congregation to speak with,” Armie told him as they sat down in the auditorium to wait for the movie to begin. “You don’t have to stay with me the whole time.”“You’re my guest,” Ben argued. He patted his knee gently. “Nothing is going to pull me away from you tonight. I want you to be as comfortable as possible here.”Armie felt his heart pound harder at the feel of Ben’s hand on him; it lingered longer than it probably should have. “I appreciate that.”“Armitage?” Enric called to him. “Are you even listening?”He looked over at him, pulling himself from his thoughts. “Sorry, I was just thinking about the LSAT. The test is next week and I’m nervous.”“Ah,” Enric replied as he wiped his lips with a napkin. “Well, you needn’t worry about it, you’re not taking it next week?”Armie stared at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”“I called and had your name removed from the registration.”“You did what?!” Armie shouted.“Calm down, boy. I’m only looking out for you; you’re really not ready.”Armie couldn’t believe this was happening! “You don’t get to make that decision for me!”Enric looked at him, his brow raised in question. “I know what is best for you, Armitage. We can continue studying and you can take it the next time.”Armie stood. “Who do you think you are?!”Enric stared at him hard. “Watch that tone with me, boy!” he warned.“How fucking dare you!” he shouted, his anger boiling over.Enric stood. “I told you to watch that mouth of yours!”“You had no right to cancel that test!”“You are forgetting your place, child,” he snarled. His voice took on a gentler and kinder tone, as he continued, “I’m only doing what is best for you.” He moved closer to put his arms around him, but Armie stepped back.“Don’t you fucking touch me!”Enric backhanded him. Armie touched his cheek, the sting immediately making his eyes water. He’d never hit him before. The older man had gotten angry with him and had threatened him from time to time, but he’d never laid a hand on him. “Do NOT speak to me like that again! Do you understand me, boy?”Why hadn’t he seen it before? How could he have been so blind?! This was who Enric was, a man filled with anger and a need to be in control. Armie had been groomed to be the perfect victim without even realizing it. All he wanted in life was his father’s approval and he projected that desire onto Enric when he showed interest in him. Because his father had raised him to believe he was worthless and that he’d never be loved. “Fuck you,” he whispered and turned to head to the front door.Enric followed him and grabbed him by the arm. “And where do you think you’re going?!”“Let go of me!” he yelled as he pulled away, but it only encouraged Enric more. He pulled him toward him and grabbed his other arm. Armie could feel the panic rising in his chest. He was used to his panic attacks, but this was something else; this was genuine fear. “Get off of me!” he shouted as he tried to push him away.“You ungrateful, brat!” Enric yelled as he threw him to the floor. “After everything I’ve done for you!” He kicked him in the side. Armie instinctively wrapped his arms around his middle to protect himself for the onslaught he knew was coming. He curled into a ball as the older man continued to kick him; his side, his face, wherever his foot would land. Armie wasn’t sure if Enric had ran out of stamina or if he’d just gotten bored. “You’re pathetic. Your father was right about you; you’re a weak-willed child.”Armie couldn’t stop the words from falling from his lips. “I’m sorry,” he whined as he sobbed. “I’m sorry. Please, Enric, I didn’t mean to.” He knew he’d done nothing wrong and yet he couldn’t keep himself from apologizing.He scoffed. “As if I hadn’t heard that from you before. You disgust me.” He stepped around him and sat on the sofa. “I hope you’ve learned your place.”Armie sniffled. “Yes,” he answered. “I’m sorry, En. I am. Please, forgive me.”He sighed. “Get up and get yourself cleaned up. You’re bleeding on my carpet.”Armie pushed himself up off the ground weakly, but eventually got to his feet. As he moved toward the bathroom to clean up, Enric stopped him by grabbing his hand. “You know I don’t like hurting you, Armitage,” he told him plainly. “But you needed to learn a lesson. You understand?”He nodded. “Yes, sir.”“Good. Now, get cleaned up and come back out here when you’re done.” Armie nodded and exited the room. He avoided looking himself in the mirror; disgusted with himself for what he’d let happen to him. He turned on the sink and slowly washed the blood and tears from his face. He finally looked at his reflection when he was done. He had a split lip and his cheek was still a soft pink color. His nose didn’t seem to be broken, though it had bled profusely, and his left eye was starting to swell.He couldn’t be angry with Enric. He was smarter and older; he knew what was best for him. That’s all he was doing, wasn’t he? Just looking out for his best interests. Armie knew he wasn’t smart enough and perhaps never WOULD be to get the score he needed to get into law school. He’d set his ambitions too high. He’d never amount to anything; his father had told him that since he was a child.Armie met his eyes in the mirror. Who was this man in front of him? Did he really believe he deserved to be treated this way? He thought of Ben. Ben who had told him time and again that he was smart, and funny. Ben who enjoyed spending time with him, no matter what they did. He straightened up. He knew what he had to do. He opened the window and jumped out.***Ben opened the door groggily. It wasn’t that late, but it was late enough; he’d already been in bed. Who was incessantly knocking at his door at ten at night.? He opened the door and was immediately awake. “Armie?”“I didn’t know where else to go!” he sobbed.“Come in.” He opened the door and practically pulled him inside. He closed the door and looked him over; even in the dim light, he could see the coloring on his face. “What happened? Who did this to you?”“You were right about him,” he answered, his voice tight. “I-I-I knew he could get angry, but I never thought…” his words trailed off and turned into a sob.Ben immediately wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. “I’ve got you. Everything is going to be alright. I’ve got you.”Armie buried his face in his chest and let himself expel every tear he had. He was angry at himself for letting himself be pulled into Enric’s charismatic lies. Angry that he hadn’t seen the red flags before or ignored them outright if he had.Ben didn’t know what else to do, so he held him and let him cry. He wished there was something more he could do, some other way he could comfort the other man, but what else was there? “Why don’t we go sit down,” he suggested. Armie just nodded and pulled away to wipe at his face. Ben took his hand in his and led him to the sofa. “What happened exactly?” he asked. He’d gotten that Enric had hurt him; that much was certain. But was there more?Armie sniffled and wiped at his nose with the back of his wrist. He explained everything; how Enric had changed his test schedule and said HE’D be the one to decide when he was ready to take it. How they’d argued. Enric hitting him and how he wouldn’t stop. Armie refused to look at Ben as he spoke, looking down as he did so. “Worst of all, I’m angry at myself. I should have seen it. You TOLD me and I refused to listen.”Ben sighed. “It’s understandable. I mean, the strained relationship you have with your father, Enric being a man in power very similar to him; trust me, it makes sense.”Armie chuckled. “I forgot you were a psychology major.” He paused and grew serious. “I still feel like a fool.”Ben moved closer and grabbed his hands. “You’re not. I wish you could see what I see. How absolutely wonderful you are!” He reached up and wiped a tear from his cheek. “You’re smart, Armie. And beautiful and kind. And I love you.”Armie stared at him speechless. “You… You love me?”“I do,” he answered. He leaned in closer and added with a whisper. “Very much.” Then he pressed his lips to Armie’s.Armie wrapped his arms around him as he accepted and even deepened the kiss. Was this really happening? He’d wanted Ben for so long and now he was kissing him! He was at a loss for what he should be doing with his hands. He knew what he’d be doing if this had been any other man, but this was BEN! Ben who was a religious man, a man who devotedly served his God. How was this even happening?!Ben pulled away and whispered, “I love you, so much, Armie, I have for a long while now. I’ve been trying to ignore it, but I can’t anymore. I want to give you everything you deserve. Love you the way you should be loved. I love you.”“I love you too,” he whispered back. Ben’s lips were on his once and again and his hands were grabbing at the hem of his shirt. Armie pulled away from their frantic kissing just long enough to slip out of the garment and then he was kissing Ben again. He’d been so distraught when he’d come in that he hadn’t even realized Ben was already shirtless. His head swam at the feel of the other man’s bare chest pressed against his own. He buried his fingers into Ben’s dark hair as he started kissing and sucking on his neck. “Ben,” he moaned out.Ben’s hand was on the front of his pants, groping him as he pressed his own hardness into his thigh. Ben pulled away and whispered in his ear. “I want you.”He knew he shouldn’t be doing this. He knew he should push the other man away and tell him to get a hold of his senses; this wasn’t him! But he wanted Ben too. He quickly undid his pants and wriggled out of them and his boxers. Almost as soon as he was naked, Ben’s mouth was on him. His hands were in his hair again. Tears pricked the edges of his eyes. He’d done this before with numerous partners, but there was something about doing this with Ben that was different than it was with any other man he’d been with. He loved Ben. And Ben loved him.***Ben woke to Armie gently combing his fingers through his hair. They’d fallen asleep on the couch. He tilted his head up from where it rested on Armie’s chest to look at him. The red head smiled. “Hey.”It was still dark outside. “What time is it?” Ben asked, trying to wake himself.Armie found his phone on the coffee table. “A little after one. We must have fallen asleep.” He continued to run his fingers through Ben’s hair lovingly.Ben sat up. He looked at Armie, a whirlwind of emotions inside of him. He’d given into temptation. He could argue that he loved him, but that didn’t change the fact that what he’d done was a sin. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”Armie sat up on his elbows. “What?”“You came here in a state of vulnerability and I took advantage of that,” he replied. “I’m sorry.”Armie grinned. “Well, I’m not complaining.”“Well, I am!” Ben nearly shouted as he stood. “I’m sorry. I should have never let this happen. We can never do that again.”Armie sat up straight now. “What? What are you saying. You…” He grew quiet. “You said you love me.”Ben sat back down. “I do,” he replied. “That’s what makes this even harder. Armie, I’m a priest. I can’t let myself indulge in the passions of the flesh. That’s a vow I gave to God, to better serve Him. And on top of that… You’re another man”“So? What are you saying?”“I don’t know,” he quickly answered, holding back tears. “I love you and I want to be with you, but this is wrong.”Armie grabbed his hands. “If we love each other, how can it be wrong?”Ben shook his head. “I can’t live in both worlds,” he whispered. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose you. I love you, but I love God too. And I can’t- I WON’T give Him up.”Armie looked away from him pulling his hands away as he did. “I should have known better. This was always how it was going to end.” He found his clothes and started to dress.He reached for him. “Armie, please.”“No!” he yelled, pulling away from Ben. “You said you can’t live in both worlds. You and I both know that. You can have me or your god. You know as well as I do you can’t have both of us.”Ben’s eyes filled with tears. “How am I expected to choose between two things that I love?”“You don’t have to,” Armie answered as he slipped his shirt on over his head. “I’ll choose for you.” He headed for the door.Ben stood and grabbed his hand. “Armie, please!” he begged.He turned back to him. His heart filled with anguish seeing the man he loved in so much pain. He leaned in closer and gave him a chaste kiss on his lips. “I’ll never be able to compete with God,” he whispered. He pulled away and swiftly left.Ben dropped to his knees and wept. “Why?!” he cried out. “Why have you made me like this?! I’ve begged You to take these feelings from me, but instead You brought him into my life. Why? Haven’t I striven to do everything You’ve asked of me? I’ve followed the straight and narrow. I’ve held true to everything I believe in!” He sobbed. Ben had never imagined he’d meet someone who might tempt him away from the vows he’d taken, especially a man. He’d known he was attracted to both men and women since he was young, but it was easier to pretend to be straight. But Armie had made him feel different. He’d told himself that he could just be his friend because having him as his friend was better than not having him in his life at all. But when he’d come to him, hurt and suffering, all he wanted to do was protect him and show him the love he truly deserved.“Why have You forsaken me?!” he sobbed quietly, consumed by shame and guilt. He’d strayed away from all he’d come to know and believe. What hurt more than anything was knowing he was now condemned. How could God forgive him for this? For loving someone more than God Himself? For loving another man?He heard his phone ring. What was going on?! First Armie came to him in the middle of the night and now someone was calling. Was it Armie? Was he calling to tell him he was coming back? That he’d made a mistake. He quickly answered the phone. “Hello?”“Ben?” came a familiar soft feminine voice.“Rey? Hey, what’s going on? Are you okay?”She sniffled. “I need you to come pick me up.”Ben had a hard time keeping to the speed limit as he drove to the address Rey had given him. She was sitting on the curb when he pulled up. He parked and quickly went to her, pulling her into his arms. “I’m sorry, Ben,” she muffled out. “I-I didn’t know who else to call.” Those words were hauntingly familiar.“I’ve got you,” he whispered the same words he’d said to Armie earlier that night. “You’re alright now. You’re alright.” He finally got her to get in the car and he drove her home. She told him what had happened. She’d gone to a party with some kids from school. She admitted to her drinking and smoking pot, but Ben could tell she was still holding back. “Anything else happen?”“You won’t think less of me?” she asked in fear.He grabbed her hand with his right. He knew what she was going to say, but he needed to hear her say it aloud. “Never.”“I hooked up with someone,” she whispered.Ben didn’t want to ask, but he knew he needed to. “Did he force you into it?”“No!” she quickly answered. “I’ve had a crush on him for years. He’s a senior. He’s smart and handsome. He-he was very kind actually.”He nodded. “Well, that’s good.” He paused. “You’re sure he didn’t coerce you? I mean, you said you’ve been drinking-”“I didn’t start drinking until AFTER we… He just left afterward and was with another girl later. I just…”Ben squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry that happened to you. Guys can be… Really dumb. And boys your age… Sometimes they aren’t thinking about anything beyond the moment.”Rey nodded. “I always thought my first time would be special. I didn’t expect rose petals and candles or anything but I always thought…”“It would be with someone you cared about?” he finished for her.She nodded. “And cared about me too.” The rest of the drive was quiet. He pulled up to the house and parked, turning the car off. She looked over at Ben. “You’re not going to tell Poe and Finn, are you?” she asked in worry.Ben took a deep breath. “You and I both know if you don’t then I should.”“Please, don’t!” she begged. “If they find out about the drinking, they’ll kick me out!”Ben sighed. “You’re putting me in a hard spot, you realize?”“I know. I’m sorry. I just… You have no idea what it’s been like? Being shuffled off from one home to the next.” She got quiet. “I know I don’t show it, but… This is the first place that’s ever really felt like home.”Ben understood that. “I have an idea.” He turned to her. “I need you to repeat after me. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”“Are you serious?”“Listen, as a priest, anything I’m told in confession is completely confidential. You could tell me you killed someone and I would be bound by my vows to never speak of it to anyone. If you confess to me, I won’t be able to tell them, no matter what. So, say it, bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”Rey sniffled. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” she repeated.Ben smiled. “Good, that’s good. You’ve already confessed your sins, so you don’t need to repeat them, okay? Now I just need you to say ‘for these and all the sins of my past, I am truly sorry'.”“Does this really count if I’m not a member of your church?”“Yes,” he answered. “Go ahead.”She took a deep breath and repeated it. “I am truly sorry.”“Since you’re NOT a member, I can’t give you penance or absolution,” Ben told her. “But I want you to know that God still loves you. Even if you don’t believe in Him, He believes in you. I accept your confession.” He paused. “Now I can’t say anything to anyone. Okay?”She nodded. “Okay.”“You gonna have to sneak in or are you going in through the front door?”Rey smiled. “I can sneak in just fine.” She leaned over and put her arms around him. “Thank you, Ben.”He embraced her in return. “Of course.”
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Ben thought about his pseudo-confession with Rey as he stood outside Bishop Erso’s office door. He knew he needed to confess as well. He took a deep breath before stepping inside. The older man looked up from his papers and smiled. “Afternoon, Father Ben,” he greeted. “Please, come in. Have a seat.” Ben came closer shyly and sat down. “You said you needed to speak to me, that it was urgent. What’s on your mind?”Ben licked his lips nervously. “Bishop, you’ve been very kind to me and welcomed me here. I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve been able to work with you.” He paused, hoping the other man would jump in, but he sat there quietly and patiently waited for him to continue. He took a deep breath and did so. “Because of that, I thought it best to tell you in person, I’ve decided to leave the priesthood.”Erso’s face filled with concern. “I’m sorry to hear that. Might I ask why?”Ben’s throat tightened and tears filled his eyes. “I’m no longer worthy to be a representative of God,” he answered quietly.There was no judgement on the other man’s face, just empathy. “How so? Do you need to confess? God is very forgiving, my son.”He shook his head. “Not for what I’ve done.”Bishop Erso nodded. “I won’t pretend to know what grave sin you believe you’ve committed, but I will respect your decision.” He paused. “Is there anything I can do for you?”“No,” Ben answered in a whisper. “I-I’m very sorry. I wish I didn’t HAVE to leave, but I know I do.”The bishop sighed and leaned forward. “I WANT to help you, but I can’t if you don’t tell me what’s going on-”“I slept with someone,” he blurted out. He couldn’t look him in the eyes, he just stared at a spot on the desk.“I see,” he replied as he leaned back in his chair. “Well, our God is a merciful God-”“With another man,” he added quietly.Erso paused. “And that makes a difference in your sin?”Ben lifted his head, finally meeting his gaze. “Yes,” he answered. “God condemns… homosexual sin.”“God condemns ALL sin.”Ben was at a loss for words. “Yes, but…” Tears filled his eyes again. “I know I’m going to Hell for it.”Bishop Erso considered him carefully for a moment. “Father Ben-”“Ben,” he interrupted. “It’s just Ben now.”He sighed before he continued. “Ben, your Bachelor’s was in psychology rather than theology, correct?”He nodded. “Yes.” He wasn’t sure what he was getting at.He smiled. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to give you a leave of absence, a sabbatical, if you will. In that time, I want you to search for what YOU truly believe. Set aside any and all things you’ve been TOLD to believe and figure out where YOU stand with God. If, after that time, you still want to leave the priesthood, I won’t stop you. But I want you to truly understand YOUR beliefs.” He paused. “And I’d like to add, God ISN’T going to send you to Hell for loving another man.”Ben’s throat was tight as he held back his tears. He wanted that to be true, had longed for it since he was eight years old, but he’d been told time and again that you would go to hell for being gay. “I don’t think a leave will be necessary.”“Take a leave of absence,” Bishop Erso told him sternly. “You don’t HAVE to come back if that’s what you truly believe is right for you, but I want you to take the time to consider things. And if you would like to counsel with me, I would be more than happy to do so.”Ben nodded. “Thank you, Bishop.”*Eight months later*Armie chopped carrots and cucumbers for a salad. He knew it was going to take time to move his way up, but he was determined. He’d started out washing dishes at the restaurant he was now at. He’d quickly moved into being a line cook. The sous chef had been impressed with him from the start and had taken him under their wing; they wanted to help him become a great chef. They’d told him it would take time and that he’d have to start from the bottom like everyone else and move up, but he was more than okay with it; it was the first time in his life he’d been truly happy with his vocation.Because of his hard work and knowledge he’d gained from life experience, he was now in the position of pantry chef, having the job of making the salads, hors d’oeuvres, and other chilled dishes. He was aiming to become the pastry chef and had even started attending culinary school, but he still knew it was going to take time.He was still amazed how different his life was now. After what had happened with Enric and Ben, he needed to start over. He left the law firm immediately and started pursuing his true passion, cooking. He still thought of Ben and often wondered if he’d done the right thing by leaving. Ben had tried to call him a few times, but he couldn’t convince himself to answer. He left for Ben’s sake. Ben was a man of God and he no longer wanted to be a temptation for him. Even though it killed him to ignore the phone calls and text messages, he truly believed he’d done the right thing for Ben.“Hey, Armie,” one of the waitresses called to him. He looked up from his work station. “Customer wants to see you.”“Me?” It wasn’t uncommon for a customer to ask to see the head chef directly to give their thanks for the meal, but he wasn’t even the sous chef, why would someone ask to see HIM?She nodded. “Yep, asked for you by name. She’s at the front of house.”He took a deep breath. At least he knew it wasn’t his father. He still feared the man would come looking for him, though he knew it was irrational; the man hadn’t cared about him when he was a child or while he was in his employ, he certainly wasn’t going to bother trying to find him for some nefarious reason. He supposed it could have been Phasma, she’d been the only person he’d told when he left the firm. He wiped his hands and asked one of the line cooks to take over for him until he got back.He went to the front of house and was about to ask for whomever had asked for him when he stopped in his tracks. “Rey? What are you doing here?”“I need to talk to you,” she replied. “It’s important.”“Let’s step outside” he suggested. He directed her through the restaurant, through the kitchen and out the back door to the alleyway. “Is everything alright?” he asked concerned.She shook her head. “No, it’s not. Ben has been completely devastated since you left!”“I didn’t leave!” he started to argue, but then he paused and grew quiet. “I HAD to leave. I did it for HIM.”“He misses you.”Armie didn’t know what to say to that. It came as no surprise to him, but Ben had said it himself, he couldn’t live in both worlds and he wasn’t willing to give up his God. “I’m sorry, but I can’t come back.”She was quiet for a moment. “He hasn’t been the same since you left. He hasn’t told me everything, he’s actually been really quiet about it, but I know he’s hurting because he misses you.”Armie leaned against the wall and heaved a heavy sigh. “I wasn’t going to make him choose between me and his God; so I chose for him. How can I compete with God?”Rey’s face was filled with empathy; it was obvious she was hurting seeing those she cared about in such pain. “You mean more to him than you can imagine. He REALLY misses you.” She paused. “Just… Come by the house. Please. If you still care for him at all, please, just stop by.”He looked at her quizzically. “‘The house’?” he repeated. “Is he living at the half-way house now?”She smiled. “No, I’M living with HIM. He adopted me officially a month ago.”“Really?! That’s awesome! Congratulations!”Rey’s smile widened and her blush deepened. “Thanks. Yeah, when he took his leave from the church, almost immediately after, he became a foster parent so that he could legally adopt me.”Armie was stunned silent. “Wait… He-he left the church?”She shook her head. “It’s complicated. You should talk to HIM about it. Please, say you’ll come over?”Armie took a deep breath. Had he been wrong? Had him leaving made Ben realize that he was willing and wanting to choose him over God? He missed him too. He nodded. “Alright, I’ll stop by.”***“You expecting company?” Ben asked Rey when the knock came to the door.She shook her head. “No.”Ben paused their movie and got up to answer the door. His breath caught in his throat. “Armie?”“Hi,” he replied sheepishly. They both stood there awkwardly silent, neither knowing what to say or do. “Look, I know you probably don’t want to see me. And I don’t blame, but I…” He paused as he looked into Ben’s eyes and saw them filling with tears. His own began to water as he continued, “I’m so sorry. I-”Ben wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. “I thought I’d never see you again!” he sobbed.Armie held him in return; he couldn’t hold his tears back. “I didn’t think you’d ever want to see me again,” he admitted.Ben finally pulled away and wiped at his eyes. “You should come in; we have a lot to talk about.”Armie awkwardly sat on the lounge chair nearby as Ben took his seat on the sofa once again. Neither of them knew how to begin. Armie cleared his throat. “Rey came by my work the other day and-”“Really?” he asked as he turned to the young woman, a bit of annoyance in his expression.She shrugged. “Look, I know I shouldn’t have meddled, but I did.”“No, you shouldn’t have,” he agreed. He turned back to Armie. “Go on.”He took a deep breath before he continued. “She convinced me that we needed to talk.”Ben was silent, looking straight at him. Then, without turning away, he said, “Rey, could you give us a minute alone?”She stood. “I’ll be in my room.”Both men were silent as they waited for her to leave. Once they heard the bedroom door close, Ben spoke. “I’ve missed you,” he nearly whispered. His eyes filled with tears again. “Why’d you leave?”Armie swallowed hard. “I did it for you,” he answered. He looked down at his hands as he admitted, “And maybe a little for me too.” He paused. “I knew I was NEVER going to win if I asked you to choose between me and your God.” He heard Ben move from the sofa. Then he knelt in front of him, placing his hands on his knees. He met Ben’s tear-filled eyes with his own.“It took a lot for me to admitted a lot of things about myself. Things I’d pushed away and denied for years. Armie, I was willing to give up everything for you,” he whispered. “I nearly did. But I’ve learned there can be room in my heart for both you AND God.”Armie shook his head. “I want to believe that. But I know how things are. The reality is, you can’t be with me and continue being a priest.”Ben smiled and chuckled slightly. “I thought so too, but I did a lot of soul searching after you left. I counseled with Bishop Erso… A LOT. I had to accept some changes, but… I AM still a priest.” He reached up and cupped his face between his hands. “And I CAN be with you, if you still want to be with me.”Before Armie could reply, their lips met. Neither was sure who had closed the space between them, but neither cared; all that matter was that they were together. As Been tried to deepen the kiss, Armie pulled away. “How?” he asked. “I-I thought your church was against the gay community as a whole.”Ben grinned; Armie had missed that silly grin. “Not anymore.” He moved out of his lap and onto the arm of the chair; he had straddled him as he’d moved into the kiss. “Like I said, I counseled with Bishop Erso. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t give up on God and I certainly didn’t want to give up on you.” He paused. “Like I said, I had to accept some changes. You’re right, the church isn’t in favor of the LGBT community, but you remember Jyn? Bishop Erso’s niece? Her church IS. It’s still technically the same faith, but… just a little different.”Armie nodded in understanding. “Different,” he repeated. “So, how does that affect your membership in the priesthood?”Ben looked away; it was obvious that it pained him still. “Technically, I’ve left the priesthood.” He quickly turned back to him and continued, “But because of the circumstances, I was invited to be a pastor there.”Armie smiled, but it was twinged with sadness and guilt. “And you’re okay with this?” He took hold of Ben’s hand and added quietly, “I know how important your relationship with God is.”Ben’s smile widened. “That’s the beauty of all of this; it hasn’t changed my relationship with Him in anyway.” He rubbed his thumb against the back of his hand. “The only thing that’s really changed is that I can have a relationship with a man I love, if I so choose.”Armie’s eyes filled with tears. “You’ve given up so much for me.”“You’re worth it,” he replied as he leaned down and kissed him again.