Work Text
Today is May 25, exactly eight AM.
I would need to keep this journal for when I can reschedule a therapist again.
I am really happy, though. I finally did it! After so long, the agonizing wait of getting enough money for my half of buying a home and finding the right home. I finally got my new trailer! At the moment I don't have my stuff, still packing what I need from my parents home. Though I know there's things my parents would keep. Mostly the deadpool things my mom got me to hang in the glass shelf for memories, but I could care less. My mom is more into deadpool than I am.
Moving was so difficult, but I am glad my friend, Kabe, was with me, I hope Malachi comes to join, we both had this idea.
It was sad to say goodbye to my dogs, Marcella and zuma, but it was best they were with my parents, for I was still healing from the change on moving somewhere new again, but also from obvious truama... I know for a fact I would have to explain everything to a possibilibly new therapist... Also the worry of taking care of animals wouldn’t be nice to deal with when I'm already overwhelmed in the first place.
Today, I finished helping Kabe place her belongings in her new room. Working at a factory has its benifits! It's like a gym at times, one day, I'll gain muscles and look more masculine.
Right now I'm taking time to unwind and look through social media, youtube and tik tok, Mostly youtube. I decided to write now because
I found something intresting. I found an ebay bid for one of the 1990 teenage mutant ninja turtles movie suits. Well, I knew those existed, I've seen alot, but the fact it's still up and wasn't already taken is insane to me, also weirdly they had all four of the brothers. My memory isn't the best, but I am pretty sure donatello's suit is with the co-creator, yet It's on the website.
Even weirder is that they were oddly cheap, well made sense because they weren’t in the best conditions, but still! They are movie props from a familair series!
A Lot of people on tiktok were talking about the terrifying ara within the suits, as if the eyes were staring into their souls. I find it hilarious how cliche it was all to hear, but I did have the feeling that something was there, but it wasn’t new, the suits were old and run down. I did find some fascination with them, though that could've been because of my love and hyperfixation of the teenage mutant ninja turtle.
A part of me wanted to buy them, but I needed to save the money I had, sure they were cheap and rent wasn’t due any time soon, also Kabe makes a lot of money. I just didn’t want to spend money all willy-nilly.I'm writing this at around 6 pm.
I can’t exactly remember what happened after I finished the paragraph. I only remember closing the book and going back to my phone, skkn waking up on the couch, my phone on my chest. It made no sense! That morning I had so much energy from my monster and adderall, so I wasn’t even that tired in the first place! I was gonna go take a walk around with my friend after she finished fixing her room.
It freaked me out, but when I looked at my phone, I noticed I was still on the ebay page, which I surely wasn't from memory. I was on youtube.
I swear, I actually thought a horror movie demon possessed me and just made me buy all the suits, but I noticed none of that happened. So I probably was tired after laying on the couch for a while, and just got tired without realizing it, it wasn’t the first.
I'll try to go back to sleep after finish this writing. I would need to find a decent path to work tomorrow also get a few of my stuff from my parents house.
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May 26, 10:30 pm
Today was just annoying. I had to put my phone on Do Not Disturb to just get through my day! My mom was starting her bullshit, thinking I won't survive and all, trying to figure out when I come over to "help" which is mostly her doing almost nothing, just playing her game while I get get her stuff. I won't be surprised if she would make me cook and clean. Sure, I appreciated what she does. She cleans and goes shopping, but I just can't deal with her. She's just like her mom! Does almost nothing and god forbid she does something she complains! I swear, I am praying my dad leaves her ass after my brothers are of age. I just can't deal with it anymore. Even when one of us does something, it's either not enough or not right!
My phone didn't make it any better! I kept getting notification after notification since this morning. My guess is possible viruses from random websites, won't be surprised if some of the websites I use for character Ideas fully went virus route.
I took time to look online on possible websites I went through since yesterday, but no one else had those problems before. From the notifications I get, my info had to be leaked or something. Won't be surprised my cousin or aunt decided to do that because I blocked their numbers once I got my home.
Every notification was either a text message from random numbers, ones I kept blocking, which alway comes back with a new number and sends random cryptid messages and all that horror cliches. I even kept getting emails and notifications about random things. I tried translating it all or asking people to, but nobody could do it. Nothing worked.
I was so close to throwing my phone before I came home to a package at my door. I was so confused and thought it was either for Kabe or from neighbors. However, they were in fact for me, from my name being on it, it was strange. I grabbed a knife from my kitchen to open the box, I was terrified of what was inside. A finger? A corpse? A creepy letter from a stalker? TAXES!?
I knew horror movies, but I was too stupid and scared to even think properly, well, less properly than my autistic brain could think. When I opened the box, I saw an old vhs tapes. I had guesses where this was going, but something intrigued me to just see which way it was going. I knew it was a dangerous act, but I was bored and stupid.
I bought a VHS player online and I examined the tape. It was old, I won't be surprised it wouldn't work. The part that's supposed have the title of the tape was scratched off, but I did see the number 90. A part of me wanted to tell Kabe, but I'm scared if this would have something that could possibly traumatized me and her. I rather have myself deal with the trauma than her.
I thought that was it, but I just woke up in the middle of the night to things being moved. Kabe is home from work, but I knew she was passed out. My biggest guess is a mouse running around. Though if it is a robber, jokes on them! We don't have anything of value!
I'm just gonna put my earbuds in and pray it's a mouse.
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May 27, 4PM
Today I had work, So I didn't do anything special, though I was excited.
The player came in today. I was curious of the tapes and Kabe wasn't home today, so I had time by myself to watch. I should’ve called the cops or someone more professional to look through them, I knew so many horror tropes this wasn’t a good idea, but something kept me from doing all that. I don’t even know anymore.
When I got the tapes to work, I got one in and noticed how it was Behind the Scenes from the first movie. It was funny to see the bloopers. Though something felt off. When anyone brought up the suits, they never stated that someone was inside, the only names were said where each turtle. I found it weird, probably something similar to the godzilla horror film, the man in the suit. The actors seeing themselves as the characters and wanting to be preferred as such, just… No merging is all. That or it was a inside joke I don't understand.
The tape was normal, nothing out of the ordinary. Just pranks on set and people failing at lines or actions.
It was weird that the one scene of Raphael's actor's face getting fucked up from the endo skeleton when getting thrown in the trash can was never brought up. I expected to see and after math, like dude was injured and just showed what happened, but no, nothing.
I was laughing so much over it though, I was a sucker for behind the scenes mischief. When I put the other tapes in, I noticed they were the same. The second and third movie bloopers. I probably was wrong with my paranoia. But that's probably from being overwhelmed from moving and having a different routine.
When I finished the third tape, I placed them back into the box.
I noticed something however. It was a Sai rapheal had. It was trapped underneath the cardboard fold on the bottom, so I'm not surprised I didn't see it.
I just put it back, thinking it was a weird gift along with the tapes.
I might show them to my friends, i can text Malachi and Jay and find a way to meet each other to watch them.
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May 28, 5:30pm
I came home from work to seeing a large box and a few smaller packages infront of my door.
None of them really heavy, so I brought them inside. I cut open one of the small ones and saw the other sai. Two other boxes had Michelangelo's nunchucks and casey's mask. I'm sooo giving that to malachi!The big box however... It was the Michelangelo suit!I was confused. I really was. I didn't know what was going on, but it was actually nice to have them. Though the fact I had them freaked me out. The packages were for me, it had my address and name.I mostly put the boxes in my room, thinking of showing Kabe to figure out what to do. She'll probably try to find who sent them and want to fight them. Just being the chaotic lesbian friend she is.I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of something falling.I noticed one of the boxes were on the floor and the large one was open. Kabe HAD to go through it! Probably curious of it or something. She isn't the type, but that has to be the reason!Going to the box, I noticed one of the hand gloves missing to the suit. I was confused. If kabe did go in the box, why would she take a hand?I decided to close the box, deciding to look for it in the morning.
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May 29, 4AM
update on last night. I found the hand ontop of the box. I asked kabe about it before going to work, but she didn't know about the box. This is weird... I don't know how to feel anymore.
I had to push the door with my might, apparently I had more boxes. Three big ones and two long ones, won't be surprised if it was the suits.4pmUpdate, Leonardo, Donatello, and Rapheal joined. I got Donatello's Bō and Leonardo's katanas.7PM
I waited for my friends for a movie night, Malachi and Jay would come to visit. Maybe I can figure out if Malachi would join me and Kabe in the trailer.
I wanted to watch the tapes with them, to find humor in the hijinx. Kabe wasn’t too excited about it, I always believed it was because dated humor wasn’t her thing, she told me before with other old shows.
We sat on the couch and when the tapes were in, I was the only one who laughed, Kabe ran out of the room crying and throwing up, while Malachi showed actual fear and terror for the first time I ever saw and Jay looked so traumatize, actually passing out on the couch. I was confused when the tape was paused multiple times, malachi yelling about the fact the imagery was getting worse, soon turning the tv off. I didn’t know why.
Kave yelled at me, asking why I even suggested that and that we needed to take it to the cops. I was crying, confused and scared. I tried to explain what I saw, but I couldn't. I was sobbing. I didn’t understand. I never saw Kabe that mad.
Malachi brought the tapes to the police station, leaving me in my room, sobbing and confused.
Jay had to be sent to the hospital, his heart almost stopped completely when he passed out.
I felt like a child being yelled at by his parents, being grounded and sent to his room, alone and without anything to do.
I couldn’t sleep that night, wanting to find comfort in my music or the audios I have, but nothing worked. Melatonin didn’t do anything, warm milk wasn’t better, not even running around the block to tire myself out.
Sadness always left me with no energy, but for some reason, I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t sit still.
I just remember laying in bed, eyes hurting from my tears and just finding comfort in hugging my pillow.
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May 30, 12pm
The police came to my house this morning. I was on my way to work, and I had to tell my boss about the situation.
The police questioned where I found the tapes and if there were more. I was scared, terrified if I would get in trouble. I told them all I knew, showing them the suits and explaining what I saw on the tapes.
I wasn’t believed, but I was left alone, the suits were taken away that day, leaving me feeling empty.
I don’t know why I got attached to them, I know it isn’t hard for me to get attached to things, but I knew I wouldn’t have them for long. So why did I get attached?
I finally got to work, doing my job as normal. I had no energy to talk, only enough to do my job as I couldn’t think of anything else, but those suits.
I guess I was crazy, there was no doubt that one day I would have lost my mind.
Kinda expected it to happen when living with my parents or dealing with the rest of my family.
My day was normal for most of it, nothing special.
That night was difficult though, I couldn’t sleep again, tapping was on the window, but nothing was there. The walls were moving away. The feeling of my skin being grabbed and pulled. My very body was shrinking, feeling like nothing to this world. My lungs filled with nothing, corks plugging them, my tears flowing down, drenching my pillow.
I hated it. I HATED IT!
I couldn’t think, my own mind blank, my very mind and body going into a panic attack. I couldn’t do anything to get up. My body felt like something else was above it.
Why was I feeling this way? Nothing could cause it again! It’s been years since my medication was uppered, It’s been long enough to never feel those effects. I was fine then, I hadn’t felt this for years. Why was I feeling it now? Was it my tears before? Was it the fear I felt when Kabe was angry and the cops spoke to me? Was this it?
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May 31, 2:04pm
I found out Jay died of a heart at the hospital...
Malachi went missing, the only trace of him was the casey mask I gave him.
And kabe... It hurts writing it.
I got a voicemail and work and it was her screaming, yelling for help, trying to tell me what was going on, but was muffled.
All that sas left of her was her phone...
I don't know what to do... They were all I had...and they are dead... The only ones keeping me from ending it all... My joy, my reason to smile... My family...It's all my fault...
IT'S ALL MY FAULT!
WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN ME!?
WHY!?
GOD! PLEASE! TAKE ME! LET ME BE WITH MY FRIENDS! MY FAMILY! MY PURPOSE!
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June 1, 12am
It was hard for me to get out of bed that morning. I didn’t even want to get up, I wanted to stay bedridden, in a coma for my entire life.
It was all I could have wanted.
Though I fought through it and got up, my very body was weak and hungry. It felt like I never woke up in days.
The first thing I noticed was boxes. The same boxes that stored the suits and the other props. I was confused. I was thinking maybe that day was a dream, but I saw my diary entry. It couldn’t have been a dream.
When I went to open the boxes, I found the suits, they weren’t as damaged as they once were. As if time was reversed for them.
I felt so calm when I stared at the suits, as if my worries were ripped out of my mind when I saw the suits again.
I had no worry, no thought inside my head, but it was calm, something I found wanting more of.
I didn’t think about work. All I did was sit in my room, pulling the suits out of their boxes and staring at awe at how they looked, how they seemed to have become less decayed, as if they were no longer than five years old.
They were so nice to stare at. It was weird, I felt drawn to them, not just hyper fixations, but felt connected to them, the only purpose to my life. I forgot my friends, and felt as if they didn't exsist when I held the suits. I tried to place my hand in one of the gloves, curious what it’ll feel like, but It wouldn’t fit, as if the suit rejected me.
It hurt, something inside scratching me, cutting into my hand.
I was quick to react, pulling it out and trying to look into the glove, but all I saw was nothing, well the shadows were strangely dark, hiding something inside. It wasn’t surprising the unknown pain felt worse than it actually was.
I decided to put the suits back, quick to get ready for work, but when I walked to the door, I felt weak, alone… As If I was nothing. Tears formed in my eyes as I felt sick to my stomach from my sadness, I wanted to throw up.
I decided to get close to the boxes, there I decided to grab one of the gloves, placing it around my hand as if I was holding hands with the suit.
I felt comforted, I felt so calm. I decided to finally get up, finally leaving to work, having the willpower to leave my house.
Work was normal, though today we got a knew coworker. I didn’t hear her name, all I knew was she was going to be working with us.
All day I felt uncomfortable around her, I didn’t know why, she was so friendly…
It wasn’t the first time I felt uncomfortable near someone, but it was because she wouldn’t leave me alone and tried to get together. The New co-worker just spoke and was kind.
Though I guess it was from the stress and my ambiversion just not really working together to cause myself to feel comfortable around new people at the moment.
All day at work, I had the glove around my hand, at times placing it over my shoulder to get work done. Sometimes I felt the glove move against my skin, as if massaging my shoulder, telling me it was all okay, I just believe it was friction from the way I moved around to get my work done.
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June 2, 2:25pmI left work early, I couldn’t deal with her! I couldn’t deal with that asshole! She never leaves me alone! She always gets too close! It's too much! It's too much!!!
My boss is so kind. He let me leave early. I had to calm down. I love my job, but I'm starting to loose it.
So much has happened, so much would happen, I just know it!
Today I just decided to take the suits out of the box and place them somewhere. I decided to use Kabe's room... I cried when I walked in there. I didn't want to move her stuff, I kept them in place as I placed the suits inside, laying them around the room so they wouldn’t be stuck in a box.8pm
I tried to skip dinner today, I didn't have an appetite from the stress I felt, my medicine didn't make it better.
I woke up to something on my chest. It was a sandwich...
I might have woke up and made one without thinking and went back to sleep before taking a bit?
I could care less. I decided to eat it, not caring if it was poisoned or not.
I just can't forgive myself for what happened. My friends are dead and I blame myself. If I didn't show them those tapes they would still be alive.
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June 3, 5amI didn't have the mentality to go to work today, I didn't want to deal with my co-worker today.I called my boss to tell him I couldn't go into work today. He knew something was wrong.I loved work, you would have to tear me away from it so I could just take a break. If I could at times, I would have eaten my food and went back work. Sure, there'a times I took my break, but there were so many times I wanted to keep working.So I wasn’t surprised my boss asked me what was wrong.I told him about my co-worker, finally having enough of it all, sick of her inappropriate touching and all.What he said made me sick to my stomach. This wasn't my boss! He wouldn't say this!"Women can't harass men."I had to hang up my phone.I felt so sick to my stomach.It wasn't him! He would never say that! That has to be a cruel joke! It had to be all in my head! I had to heard that wrong.I didn't have the stomach to call back, scared I would hear it again.I feel to weak to even get up. My stomach churning and just wanting to push out whatever was left of the pizza slice I had last night.I'm just gonna go to bed, maybe I would feel better when I wake up.5pm...This is the longest I've ever slept... Fifteen hours...I can't even go back to bed. I had so much energy even though I didn't have my medicine.I was going to go check on the suits, but noticed one was already in my room, resting in my bed.The orange bandana being clear to see and the skin feeling so real. If the suit wasn't deflated, I would have thought Michelangelo was actually sleeping in my bed.The suit looked so much more real. The scaley skin felt so real and the eyes were glossy. It was unsettling to see.Even though it was unsettling, I couldn’t help but smiled. It gave off the comfort I needed. It felt so real...
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June 4, 5amI woke up on my couch last night. I couldn’t remember what happened. I was in my bed, feeling Michelangelo’s suit, writing down in my journal about it and then I blacked out.For a second I thought I lost an arm from how numb my left arm was when I woke up, but I found the suit's arm was around mine. I was confused, I couldn’t move my arm. Maybe a piece of the endo skeleton was inside and cut into me when I put it on and I bled out?I decided to take it off and, nope, I was fine.My arm was fine, no bruises or anything...I didn't even realize the suit ontop of me like a blanket. I was worried about my arm and wondering what happened last night to even realize. I couldn’t hold back a chuckle when realizing.Though I had a weird dream. It's a bit fuzzy, but I can still remember the night sky and the buildings around me.If I remember correctly, I was near my target. It wasn't surprising my dream had people stealing from the building. It happens almost everyday.I guess my morality and need to help this world caused my dream to make me a hero, fighting the theives.Why can I remember their screams?6pmI found out my boss and Co-worker wasn't at work. I was scared for my boss, but didn't care all too much for my co-worker. Sure, I hope she was okay, but I hope she no longer works with me.All day at work, I felt so much happy, finally having a break from the woman, finally able to speak without having her making it uncomfortable. Just free to feel comfortable in general.I decided to make dinner for myself tonight. I'm not really good with the stove, I was too scared that I would start a fire.I just made taquitos in the oven, eating a few and saving the rest for the morning.I was so tired from work, so it wasn't surprising how I completely collapsed on my bed.
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June 5, 4amIt's difficult to stay awake, it feels like something is pushing me down to sleep.Well, also because there is literally something keeping me in my bed. The suit is so danm heavy!I woke up to mikey on my chest, looking less deflated, as if he had bones underneath him.Danm turtles was ontop of me, he stupid head on my danm chest!I had to fight to get my hands free to write in this journal!When did this thing get so heavy!?I'm gonna have to fight myself to get ready for work!4:40pmMom tried calling me at work today... Telling me it's my brother's birthday tomorrow and was hoping I'll visit him.I forgot to block her number as I left, and knowing how everything is going now, I feel like I would have to go back to live with them...I completely broke down on my motorcycle on the way home from work when realizing that...So much is going wrong... I don't know how or why I'm still alive.My purpose to life is gone, yet, here I am. Still standing, still breathing.What is keeping me alive? What is stopping me from ending it?I shouldn't be standing. I'm worthless, I'm nothing... I have nothing to continue.My source of happiness and purpose is gone...Would god forgive me? They have to, write?They will understand. It was bound to happen. Though I bet they would be thankful it wasn't when I was younger, still bad it was early, but better late than when I was still single digit.6pmHeh... the knives are gone... I went to go find leonardo's katanas or rapheal's sais, but realized those were gone too...My meds are missing, and I can't find anything that could help me.I should be panicking, asking what happened to have almost everything gone, but I just find it funny, laughing.It hurts that my chances are gone, but It's funny how this world, or something in this world, wants me to continue living.I don't know if it wants me to suffer, or wanting me to be safe.I decided to get ready for bed that night, I lost my appetite after my episode...Maybe in the morning I'll go to wawa to get a hashbrown to eat before I head to work.
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June 6th, 5amI woke up to a slice of pizza in my mouth, my stomach feeling full, as if I ate an entire box.Maybe I woke up hungry and decided to finally eat?Luckily, Mikey wasn't ontop of me this morning. I was able to get up, though my stomach was hurting a bit from how much I ate. I swear, my stomach was protruding a bit. I haven't eaten that much since I lost weight.I was a bit worried since last night I couldn’t find my meds, but I found them in my cabinet, as if they never left.I noticed two boxes of pizza in my kitchen, both crunched up and thrown away. It was weird to me, but so much has happened, I'm starting to get used to this.4pmWe got a new boss at work today... they are... something.They aren't really bad, but it's just... A bit more strict? One of my Co-workers was a bit late for work, the new boss almost fired him right then and there, luckily someone stopped them.Had to work harder than normal, and when I went to take a break from my stomach ache, they yelled at me. Luckily the janitor stood up for me. I only had a few minutes to calm my stomach before continuing work.They were like a danm hawk, roaming around the factory, watching everyone.They mostly went after most of the guys, including me. It was weird, I was confused.Yet they are my boss, and I understand some strictness.I hope they lighten up soon...At the moment, I'm relaxing in my bed, using mikey's suit to cuddle with.Work was a bit stressful and I just wanted something to hold onto, especially my body still reacting to the sudden stuffing of the other nignt.I wouldn't be surprised if I had another slice and I bursted.The pain wasn't too bad, or I got so used to pain that I don’t understand how to react anymore.I was just scrolling through my phone, I realized I missed alot of calls from my mom, dad, aunt, and grandpa.The only one I could respond to was my grandpa, the only family member I didn't want to leave quietly...I just told him I was busy and was too tired to come.It was partially true. I just left out so much more stuff.
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June 7th, 8amI was too sore to go to work today. I decided to write in my journal and found the last page...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!?DID I DO THAT IN MY SLEEP!?DID I GET POSSESSED!?So much is in my head!I don't understand...I had to check the suits! Something told me to!As I did, I was even more confused.The suits were not in kabe's room. I looked around and found them in the living room.Leonardo was on the couch, legs crossed, Rapheal was on the floor, holding onto what I first thought was one of my bags, but realized it was a ski mask. Donatello was next to Leonardo on the couch, both staring at the tv, which was on.The news was on. I didn't even listen to it, worried about what I saw.All three looked more realistic, almost like mikey... And none of them were deflated, as if they had their endo skeletons inside, but I knew that was impossible because nothing of the sorts were in the box.I know I got used to the weirdness before, not questioning a thing, but I'm starting to get creeped out here.I swear! I saw one of them move when I went to get something to eat!Where the suits alive!?Maybe I should get some cameras...Yeah, that perfect! I'll get cameras and set them up!For now I'll just not react, I haven't died yet. Just act calm and find a way to deal with them.I'm sitting with leo and donnie, having brought Mikey along with me to combine the squad, having stuffed the turtle in orange with a few pillows to be as stuffed as the others.I was watching the news, too scared to change the channel. The news was talking about a strange creature at night... A person in a weird mascot outfit. That freaked me out more.There were drawings from eye witnesses and some camera footage, each looked more cryptic than the last.All day, I've been trying to move, trying to fight my soreness, but I felt so drained, so tired. Even with my adderall, which usually gets me up and running, I still feel like falling sleep.I noticed how the suits looked more deflated, as if a balloon slowly loosing air, but so much longer. I didn’t even realize until I noticed rapheal looking like a halfway filled trash bag.I decided to leave them when I went to go back to bed, ordering security cameras before I go back to bed.I hope tomorrow I atleast have some energy for work. To much is happening, I just want a normal day...
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June 8, 5pmBoss wasn't so pleased with me yesterday. They brerated and talked down to me about going to work no matter what. The only reason I was allowed to stay home was because one of my co-workers were willing to do my work for the day. I was so thankful for them.Luckily the rest of the day I was fine, well, as fine as the day before.Having to deal with the hawk that was my boss, their eyes watching my and every other male worker's move.Finally was able to go home.I met someone on my way though. Nice woman.She was nice and so determined. She kinda reminded me of leonardo, the way she carried herself and the way she spoke, it made me smile.We agreed to meet each other when I had an off day from work, going out to get a drink or just sitting at the park to talk about each other and intrests.I couldn’t really stop thinking of her. She looked so much lime kabe, well, a shorter version of her.Her light brown skin, her big poofy hair, if her eyes were hazel and not teal, she would look like a shorter version of my old friend!Something inside me wants to be with her, never letting her leave!It's wrong though. I know it... I'll hang out with her and see how things are.I hope that my little obsessive thoughts are just thoughts and aren't really what I feel. That they'll leave before I accidentally drive her away...I just hope she stays with me, maybe fill the empty heart I have after loosing the ones I loved...
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June 9, 9pm
So plans were changed, Rivera wanted to hang out after work!I got home to get ready and we had so much fun! We did things I didn't know she would like!We went to starbucks to get drinks, rambling about the very things me and Kabe would!She had the intrests of Kabe, but the personality of leonardo.We went to the park and went on the merry-go-round and spun like no tomorrow!I didn't want the day to end! Playing and talking to her made me so happy!I wanted to stay with her forever!I think she thinks the same way!Because when we had to go, she was sad and saying she wishes it would last longer, that she wants to hang out longer!I was so excited! So happy!I gave her an idea of moving in with me, I had a room I wasn’t using, telling her about my friends and all.She was so happy, loving the idea!I just have to wait until she gets everything at home together!I couldn’t stop myself from hugging her and squealing!I was so excited! So alive!Kabe wouldn't mind me reusing her room, right?Her stuff will be safetly stored in the closet, perfectly placed to show how much I loved and appropriated her.I hope Rivera is okay with the suits... I forgot to mention them when I was with her. My brain was going a thousand thoughts a second when talking to her, about our intrests and similarities to each other.I love her so much, she's like how kabe was to me, a sister I wish I had, one I want.When I got hope, I was already laying in bed, drained from everything I did, though so excited about her.So much was in my mind, the excitement of living with her. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, imagining the fun we'll have again, everything we could do!I pray she stays with me.Forever!
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June 10thI hung out with rivera today. We walked around and talked for a while, having some fun at the park and all.I was so excited the entire time, rambling about our intrests and just excited that one day she'll move in. She was so excited too!It fun though, a bit funny when she accidentally called me her brother. I wasn’t weirded out by it. I liked it, It remined me of kabe how I would call her my sister.We decided to do that, calling each other brother and sister. I could already tell we would have a sibling relationship!It was fun the entire time.Though it had to end.I finally got home and decided to rest, I still had some energy from the time me and her hung out.Though I had nothing to do, so I just rested in my bed.
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July 1stLife goes on. That's what's been on my mind for a while now.I forgot some pages, I didn't got much energy to write anything down. Especially how nothing special has happened. Days and weeks have passed. The tales of the ninja turtles being spread across the state now. People believe it's some insane group who is facinated with the franchise and thought of reenacting them.The other believe it's the real deal.I don't really care anymore. I mostly lived my own life. Though, I might have to move in back with my parents. Rent and bills are becoming too much, I don't got enough money for food, and I'm starting to believe I'm about to loose my mind if I keep acting as if these suits are real.I don't know how to feel anymore. I once felt comfort from the suits, but nothing could save me from my life spiraling down hill. I can't even end it. No matter what I do! It's as if something is there! Taunting me! Making sure I go through this hell! To make me suffer once again!I'm loosing my mind...I don't know what to do anymore...I don't want to go back.I don't want to continue...I can't deal with it anymore!Yet I can't stop it! I am forced to deal with it!I'm starting to get so tired. I can't move most of the time! I almost was fired from work because the amount of times I woke up in a paralyzed state!My body is slowly shutting down. Just when I had it healthy again. Just when I started to accept myself.It feels so heavy.I can't keep my head up any longer...I just want to finish this page and go back to bed.I just want to sleep forever. I want to be in a coma.If death won't accept me, may sleep will.