Work Text
Peter winces.
"Jeez, this place looks bad. Lois, are you sure we don't have enough money to just keep the house?""No, Peter," Lois sighs, "We're going to live here now."
The Griffins look around the abandoned gymnasium, seeing a dead corpse sprawled over one of the lunch tables. Brian plugs his nose as Chris creepily crawls up and starts sniffing it. A fiberglass ceiling tile falls, almost hitting Meg.
"Yeesh, this is worse than the time I had to spend in a Guatemalan bunker last Halloween."
..."CUT!"
Griffin lets out an exhale, looking around to see his family members still on set, now refraining from being in character. Brian unplugs his nose and starts doomscrolling on Twitter while Chris stands up and stretches, Lois instantly smoking a cigarette and Meg still texting with her friends. Not that anyone cares, anyway. Stewie still seems to be backstage.
And then, everything disappears for a moment. Peter is surrounded by a darkness. The air molts into a thick, damp smell.
"...Guys?"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Peter lays back in his office chair, putting his legs up on the brand-new wooden desk he definitely inherited from the Swansons. He polishes the splint he put in it while he ran out of the house, Bonnie going fucking insane with an AEK-999 in hand. He puts on his glasses, his lip holding one of the arms as he pulls out a stack of stapled papers, the title page brimming a massive "Family Guy" logo at the top, below reading:
"The Death of a Piano"
Production # 22ACX07
He sighs as he reads the name again. Seriously? "The Death of a Piano"? Lame ass name for a season finale. Peter shrugs, though. They'll probably change the name during or after production. He's thought this for hours on end- this isn't the first time reading the script last minute, either.
A knock comes at the door. Griffin sits up and opens it.
”Hey, Peter,” Brian waves, A 4’7 tall white dog waiting outside the door from Peter. “We’re about to go on air.”Peter smiles at the dog in front of him, nodding. "Alright, buddy, let's do this."
Moments later, the two and the rest of the Griffins are on set. Chris is laying back on the sofa as Lois can be audibly heard humming in the kitchen. Meg isn't on screen while Stewie sets up a WWE-style fight with Rupert. Peter watches the tech crew set up the title and subtitle/caption cards as he waits.
"Aaand... ACTION!" The director shouts.
ESTABLISHING SHOT - 31 SPOONER STREET
LIVING ROOM
♫ Music ♫
LOIS: "Hey Peter- Peter?! Aren't you supposed to be at work today?"
SHOW PETER WATCHING TV.
PETER: "Oh god no, Lois. They're still cleaning up from the Pawtucket incident Friday."
CUTAWAY #1:
SHOW PETER WITH A TINY STRAW IN FRONT OF A MASSIVE CYLINDER FILLED WITH BEER. OTHER EMPLOYEES ARE GRINNING AS THEY PREPARE TO POKE HOLES INTO THE CYLINDER WITH PIPES.CUTAWAYPETER: "Alright, guys! I'm going to prove it to ya. I'm gonna finish ALL this beer before the cylinder empties."CUTAWAYPETER: "Alright in 3.... 2... 1... GO!-"
PETER DOESN'T EVEN START SIPPING BEFORE THE MASSIVE TIDAL WAVES OF BEER INSTANTLY WASH THE OTHER EMPLOYEES AWAY. THE CYLINDER COLLAPSES WITH A CLANK AND PETER TOPPLES OVER THE LADDER FALLING INTO A POOL OF BEER. SOUNDS LIKE SOME FINAL DESTINATION SHIT IF YOU ASK ME.
CUT BACK TO HOUSE
LOIS: "Well alright, then. Just make sure to be out of the house by three. I promised Bonnie I'd give Susie piano lessons."PETER: "Augh, jeez. Why today? Quagmire's at some stag party off the island, Cleveland's been moved out for god knows how long, and Joe's stuck... doing Joe things. I think.PETER: "I can't even head to the Clam with them, what I mean!"LOIS: "Oh, come on, Peter, this lesson really, really matters."PETER: "Suuuure."
PETER ROLLS HIS EYES AS HE SITS UP FROM THE SOFA.
PETER: "I'm gonna get a beer."
SETTING CHANGE: KITCHEN
PETER OPENS THE FRIDGE DOOR, SHOW PISSED EXPRESSION.
PETER: "L-Lois, what the hell? Why's there no beer in here?"LOIS: "Peter, we have an infant child coming over. I don't want any kids getting drunk or spiked or anything."PETER: "Seriously? When has that ever happened?"
PETER CROSSES HIS ARMS.
LOIS: "Chris..."
CUT̵A̴WAY #̴̛̣̈2:
SHOW BABY CHRIS BEING PASSED A CAN OF BEER FROM A FAT HAND.
CUTAWAYCHRIS: "Oh, boy! Apple juice!"
CUT BAC̷̨͍̦͓̽́̋͗͋̄̑̑͒̈́̈́̋̋̑̊̑͗̇̓͒̋̆̈́̿̑̓͒͊̽͝K̴͚͝ TO KITCHEN
PETER: "Seriously? That's it?"
LOIS SIGHS.
LOIS: "Peter, you got one kid, even if it was our dumb son. Who knows? It could happen again. You always run childhoods when you're drunk."
C̴U̴T̸A̸WAY 3:̶
SHOW PE̶͔̲̖̾̀͘T̴̺̳̥̀E̷̘͕̦̕R̵̠̄ AT A CARNIVAL, LEANING HIS ARM ON A TABLE RESTING HIS HEAD ON IT. A KID SITS BESIDE HIM. HE'S MONOTONE MAINLY, THAT DRUNK.
KID: "Hi Mister! Do you like my balloon?"PETER: "Yeah it looks good. Does it got helium in it?"KID: "Uhm.. yeah? Why?"PETER: "Aw, I'll decline that offer. I'm already on so much nitrous. And helium. And whiskey. And beer. And your grandma."KID: "..."
KID IS TEARING UP, CRIES AND RUNS OFF.
CU̴T̵ ̷B̶A̷C̵K̷ ̵T̴O KITCHE̸N̸
PETER: "Pssh. That kid already seemed like he'll go that way when he's older. Big deal."
LOIS SIGHS, LOOKING AT THE TIME ABOVE THE STOVE.
LOIS: "Well, okay then.. I gotta go teach Susie now. Don't make any racket."PETER: "But my beer-!"
BLACK SCREEN FOR ADVERTISEMENTS.
ESTABLISHING SHOT - 33 SPOONER STREET
PETER RINGS JOE'S DOORBELL ONE TIME.
NO ANSWER.
HE CLICKS IT A FEW MORE TIMES.
STILL NOTHING.
HE SPAMS IT NOW FOR FUN, A GRIN ACROSS HIS FACE.
JOE OPENS THE DOOR AGGRESSIVELY, HOLLERING.
JOE: "WHAT DO YOU WANT, PETER?!"
HIS EYES WIDEN. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT AND ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY TO LET PETER IN.
JOE: "Sorry about that. Bonnie's been yelling at me for apparently 'not getting Susie into hobbies'. She's nearly two years old!"PETER: "Oh, thank God, Joe. You're all good, Joe. All good."JOE: "Come on in."
PETER AND JOE STEP INTO THE HOUSE AND WALK INTO THE KITCHEN. HE TURNS HIS WHEELCHAIR TO LOOK AT PETER.
JOE: "What are you here for, anyways...?"PETER: "Beer."
JOE'S EYES SLOWLY NARROW. HE LETS OUT A SMALL SIGH.
JOE: "....Okay. But you better promise to pay me back at the Clam."PETER: "..I can pay you back now, if that helps."
JOE'S EYES LIGHT UP. HE STARTS TO ACT CHILDISH.
JOE: "Ooh! Ooh! Okay, sur-"PETER: "-ON one condition."
CLOSE UP SHOT OF PETER HOLDING UP HIS INDEX FINGER. THE LIGHTING GETS DARK, MAKING THE SCENE SEEM SPOOKY.
JOE FROWNS.
JOE: "-Fine. What is it?"PETER: "You drink this with me. Even if it's just one can-"JOE: "Peter. Please don't get drunk on this one day, please. I want Susie to learn some piano-"
ABRUPT CUT TO THE INSIDE OF PETER'S HOUSE AS LOIS HAPPILY TEACHES SUSIE. IN THE BACKGROUND, YOU CAN SEE PETER CHUCKING ANOTHER BEER CAN IN THE BACK OF HIS CAR, BACKING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY BEFORE MOVING FORWARD RAPIDLY, SLOWLY REACHING THE HOUSE IN THE BACKGROUND.
LOIS AND SUSIE ARE AT THE DOORFRAME CONNECTING THE KITCHEN TO THE LIVING ROOM.
LOIS IS CROUCHING DOWN TO REACH SUSIE'S LEVEL, A BOWL OF LOLLIPOPS IN HER HANDS.
LOIS: "Do you like candy? Do you want some candy?"
SUSIE COOS, STANDING UP AS SHE PUTS A HAND IN THE BOWL, ATTEMPTING TO GRAB A BLUE LOLLIPOP.
LOIS: "Ooh, blue! Good choice!"
THE CAR RAMS INTO THE HOUSE.
SHOW A CLOSE UP OF THE FAMILY PIANO GETTING RUN OVER BY THE CAR, ALMOST IN SLO-MO. (LEAVE THAT TO THE EDITING CREW).
LOIS NOW SCREAMS, COVERING SUSIE'S EARS.
LOIS: "PETER!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
PETER STAGGERS OUT OF THE CAR, MUMBLING BEFORE SIMPLY FALLING. YES, HE HITS THE FAMILY GUY FALL POSE. LAUGH.
ESTABLISHING SHOT - 31 SPOONER STREET (SHOW CRASHED CAR AND GAPING WALL. SMALL PIXEL OF DESTROYED PIANO UNDER IT).
BONNIE IS TALKING TO LOIS, HOLDING SUSIE AS SHE NAPS IN HER ARMS.
BONNIE: "You seriously need to get your husband under control."LOIS: "He is!"BONNIE: "..Sure."
BONNIE WALKS AWAY.
KEEP CAMERA ON LOIS AS SHE LOOKS AT THE GROUND. MAKE AN ARGUMENT WITH JOE AND PETER AUDIBLE.
PETER (OFF-SCREEN): "NO, YOU SUCK!"
PETER CRIES LIKE A CHILD, HAVING A PROPELLER HAT ON SIGNIFYING THAT HE WAS ARGUING LIKE A FIRST GRADER. HE LOOKS AT THE GROUND WITH A FROWN AND WALKS TOWARDS LOIS. SHE STANDS AND LOOKS AT HIM.
LOIS: "I'm disappointed in you, Peter. I just-"
SHE LETS OUT AN ANGRY SOUND BEFORE CALMING.
LOIS: "I just don't have any words. Somehow this isn't the most stupid you've gotten."
CLOSE UP ON LOIS AS SHE TALKS.
LOIS: "And now we have no money for the house this month!"PETER: "W-Well- I can work-"LOIS: "The incident will take MONTHS to repair, idiot!"
SHOW STEWIE LISTENING BY THE STAIRS, HOLDING RUPERT UNDER HIS ARMS.
STEWIE: "Do you hear that, Rupert? We'll be moving!"RUPERT: ". . ."STEWIE: "My god, Rupert, you're too negative."RUPERT: "..."
STEWIE, YELLING
STEWIE: "Well, why can't you just get out, then?! Leave!"
STEWIE RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM OFF SET, CRYING.
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF NEW BUILDING WITH STING MUSIC. A DECOMPOSING SIGN EMBELLISHING "RHODE ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL" IS IN FRONT OF SAID BUILDING.
PETER WINCES.
PETER: "Jeez, this place looks bad. Lois, are you sure we don't have enough money to just keep the house?"LOIS: "No, Peter,"
LOIS SIGHS.
"We're going to live here now." A cameraman is audibly heard off set slapping his camera, due to it cutting out. Nobody knows this yet, so "acting" keeps happening.
The Griffins look around the abandoned gymnasium, seeing a dead corpse sprawled over one of the lunch tables. Brian plugs his nose as Chris creepily crawls up and starts sniffing it. A fiberglass ceiling tile falls, almost hitting Meg.
"Yeesh, this is worse than the time I had to spend in a Guatemalan bunker last Halloween." The brunette expects a cutaway break to occur, like normal daily routine. ..."CUT!"
Griffin lets out an exhale, looking around to see his family members still on set, now refraining from being in character. Brian unplugs his nose and starts doomscrolling on Twitter while Chris stands up and stretches, Lois instantly smoking a cigarette and Meg still texting with her friends. Not that anyone cares, anyway. Stewie still seems to be backstage.
And then, everything disappears for a moment. Peter is surrounded by a darkness. The air molts into a thick, damp smell.
"...Guys?"