Work Text
Working with Danny was a dream and a nightmare at the same time. He was a dictator, on his good days, on his bad days a ball of anxiety and stress. He also loved being in control, knowing what comes next, handled change or unexpected things very badly. It wasn’t an easy time with him, but there were good moments too. When he took a step back, and let his other, kinder self out, it was fun. Not the work itself, but spending time with him. We watched movies, cooked together, even celebrating Christmas together, which wasn’t really celebrating, he was Jewish, so he never had anyone to spend that time and he never really connected with his family, they were emotionally absent and very demanding, put lots of pressure on him and never cared about his health, emotional or mental. For me… If there wasn’t a show, I had nothing else to do. I did not have any family, my mother died when I was young, one of my brothers went to the army and I never heard of him again, my other older brother overdosed and because of my fathers abuse and alcoholism, I ended up in foster care. I was alone, until I met Danny. It was a very weird bond, lots of push and pull, arguments, but it felt safe. Even if we argued, I knew that Danny would never harm me physically, which wasn’t true in the case of my bio family. Danny was a safe person to argue with. A condescending jerk, a total control freak, but still safe. With him, I felt alive, I felt like I’m finally myself and I don’t have to hide that. When he asked me to move in with him, I said yes, professional and work related reasons only, of course. Every day we had a good routine, we were like a couple, without the physical part. Our lives were intertwined, we even slept in the same bed, because of the one bedroom, one French bed, cheap apartment thing. Somehow it was natural to me. Feeling so connected, so close. I admit, it was a weird situation, but to me, his apartment was my first home, and he was my first family. Not perfect, but nothing it is. The whole Rebecca thing just highlighted the issues we had, the issues I looked over, the red flags I painted as green. We were young and dysfunctional, coming from unstable households, not really knowing how to function in life, let alone in any kind of relationship. I had to go, to help myself become better and hope that one day, he will do the same. Hoping that one day, he will heal enough to us become functioning. I knew I loved him, I knew that after a year, that I wasn’t just in love with our banter and game, but his spirit. I also realised that it will take a long road, to get there, where we can be happy together. He wasn’t ready yet. Neither I was. So that is why I left. Rebecca was a good cover, it helped me not to tell the real reason. It helped me hide it. I found a sponsor, who booked me some shows and I became an escape artist. It came naturally to me. I always felt locked, tied up and wanted to set myself free. This stabilised me. Taught me to not be afraid of being locked, from being stuck, because I can get myself out of any situation. I’m not imprisoned, I am not the same child, who had no hope for a better future, who thought she would stay in one place in her entire life, without any hope of getting out. I am a grown woman, and that young girl would be proud of who I become. I set myself free and I set her free. We are safe. I got more shows and started to get a name for myself. It was good that I made a living for myself, I can do what I love. I still missed Danny, and his idiot self but his anonymous comments made me laugh and sad, because it gave me a knowledge about how he is doing, and they were quite funny, I didn’t take them on myself, recognising it was him. But his mental state was clearly not good, I could read between his lines. Even though it was a critic towards me, it felt more like a critic towards himself. He wasn’t doing well. He had his shows, but I don’t think his personal life was good. When I got the High Priestess card years later, it truly peaked my interest in what this is going to be. On the day of the meeting, I bought my coffee and went to the specified place. Before I got to the building, I heard the taxi and it turned around. My heart skipped a beat. - Danny! I always believed in faith. If this wasn’t it, then I don’t know what it is.