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It was strange, everyone knew William Adama was not supposed to be okay, most of all Bill himself. It was only days ago that had seen the love of his life slowly wither away until she was gone.At first everything had seemed fine. The cancer had returned, yes, but Laura looked okay. And with the Chamala she was taking it all seemed so normal, so manageable. Yes she was losing her hair, but wasn’t that part of most cancer treatments? That didn’t seem special or too alarming at all. No, Bill had convinced himself. Laura was fine, she had been fine so far so why wouldn’t she be now? But she hadn’t been fine.Laura had been losing strength, she losing appetite and mostly she was slowly losing herself. She was in so much pain that there were days she couldn’t do anything but sleep, and even that didn’t come naturally. Despite her constant exhaustion and agony she needed the worst of the worst painkillers and sleep medication just to keep being. She was hardly lucid anymore and Bill had been right at her side for all of it. He had been there to get her to see the doctor, he had carried her from her bed to the bathroom when needed, he had fed her whatever she was able to stomach. Which wasn’t much but it became less and less over time until she wasn’t able to eat by herself anymore.When it got to the point that even Bill couldn’t take care of her anymore, it was slowly getting to him that maybe Laura wouldn’t be getting better. That maybe Laura was actually dying. No, Laura couldn’t actually be dying, right? They had only just found each other. They were supposed to have a lifetime together. She was supposed to finally hear the end of Searider Falcon. Not because it was her end, but a new beginning. They were supposed to find earth together. There were so many things that were still in store for them, but then she was gone.She was gone. Laura was really gone. And yet it really didn’t feel that way. It all felt so unreal, like it all had been some sort of nightmare. No it couldn’t have been real. Bill sure would’ve felt more if it had been. He’d have felt devastation, or sad at least. Instead he felt…. nothing.Bill had endured loss before, and this felt nothing like it. When they’d lost Zak, he was devastated and lost. It had been so sudden, and he had so many emotions at the same time, it was almost overwhelming. But this time around he felt nothing and he would never have felt this way if it had really happened right?So Bill did what he does best, get back to work. He was the admiral of the fleet after all. There would always be work to be done. He fell into a normal routine, however something felt off. Every day he’d get up, get ready, get to work and go to sleep. It was normal, yet something felt off. It all seemed to be going too fast. Most days it felt like he’d only gotten up and suddenly it was the end of his shift already. Maybe the days were blurring together, because he was doing so much? He really wasn’t sure.What he was sure of however, was that he was getting weird looks from most people around him. No one seemed to have the courage to actually speak freely, even when asked. Even the people closest to him seemed to be unsure what to say. It wasn’t right, none of it was right. That’s how it all went on for a while until it all came crashing down.It seemed like it was going to be a normal day. Everything went as usual. Bill got up, got dressed, shaved, he even had breakfast, that was when the emergency happened. At this point Bill couldn’t even recall what it had been, but what he does remember is demanding for a secure line to President Roslin.A deathly silence fell over the room, nothing could be heard except the blaring alarms. No one was sure what to say, Dee started to stammer a bit, but Bill was not having it. ‘Officer Dualla get me a secure line to the president. That is an order.’Before Bill could yell again, his son interrupted. ‘Sir,’ he had started to say, trying to grab his father’s attention. ‘What is it?,’ barked the admiral. ‘We are in a situation and I need to contact the president. Officer Dualla, get me that secure line NOW.’‘Dad,’ Lee started again, ‘The president you want to talk to is not here anymore. You know this. She’s gone dad, Laura Roslin is dead. She died a while ago.’Bill looked at his son like he grew another head, because that couldn’t have been real. Lee Adama did not just tell him that Laura Roslin was dead. Not only was she dead, but she had been dead for a while now. She was the love of his life, he couldn’t have just missed that right? He would have been by her side at her last moments, holding her hand, consoling her. He didn’t know if he would selfishly be begging her to keep holding on or if he would be telling her that everything was alright. Had they finished Searider Falcon together?If she was really gone, where had he been and why didn’t he remember?Bill looked around the room, almost everyone was avoiding his gaze. Why were they doing that? Why wouldn’t they look at him? He decided to turn to his son, one of the few people still trying to maintain eye contact.‘How could that possibly have happened? I would’ve been there for her, and I would have at least known’‘Dad, you were there. You held her, as she passed. She wasn’t alone. Do you not remember?’Lee was feeling very concerned now. Yes, he had been concerned to begin with when he saw how his father just continued on, but he figured he had just been putting on a brave face. Never would he have expected that his dad had gone so far into denial that he would repress the memories of the president’s death, of Laura Roslin’s death.Bill was still so confused. For the first time in a long time he felt as if he couldn’t breathe, like the walls were closing in on him and he needed to get out. He needed to go see Laura. He needed to see if she was still there. She couldn’t be gone. She simply couldn’t be.‘Dad are you sure you’re okay? Maybe we should bring you to Cottle just to make sure everything’s alright.’‘No. No. I have to go see her. I have to see if she’s alright.’ Bill was getting ready to sprint out of that room if he had to, but Lee clearly had other plans.‘No dad, listen to me. Laura is gone, and if you don’t remember I think we need you to go see Cottle before you do anything else. Maybe something’s wrong with you.’‘He’s right Bill, we have to get you to Cottle. You’re not well,’ Saul interrupted.“I’m not well? You just told me that Laura is dead while she’s clearly alive, and I’m the unwell one?” Bill was screaming now. How dare they insinuate that? He would prove to them right then and there that they were wrong. “Fine, I’ll call her then. I’ll prove to you that Laura is fine,” Bill stated coolly.Everyone started to look weary again. Saul was the first one to say something again. “Okay then, but what if what we are saying is true? Will you let us take you to Cottle then?”Bill nodded. “Get him a line to the president then.”Bill’s hands were shaking as he picked up the hook. As it rang he felt his heart pounding so loudly he wasn’t sure if he would be able to hear anything, but his focus was on the sound coming from the phone.BeepBeepBeepBill heard nothing else.BeepBeepBeep‘Pick up, please pick up’ he thought. His body was shaking so badly he could fall down any second but he kept holding on. Hoping she would pick up.BeepBeepBeepIt slowly dawned on him that even if Laura wouldn’t pick up, someone would to pick up. Someone had to be in her office and tell him where she was. Where he could find her. Something. Anything.BeepBeepBeep‘No, no no no no. Why isn’t anyone responding? She has to be okay. She has to be.’ The phone kept on ringing but Bill couldn’t hear it anymore.BeepBeepBeep.…The silence was almost more deafening than the beeping. “It’s true isn’t it? She’s really gone?” he asked no one in particular. Saul just slowly nodded his head. The phone was still silent and Bill slowly lost all hope. That was the last thing he heard before the world completely stopped —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— Bill woke up in a bed in the medical bay, groggy and confused as to how he got there. Looking around he noticed his vision was blurry, and the room was spinning. Clearly something was wrong.“Good, you're finally awake. Took you long enough,” Doctor Sherman Cottle said in his neutral, but somehow always sarcastic tone of voice.Bill blinked at him a couple of times, still confused. “What’s going on? How did I get here?”“Well I wasn’t there when it started but I heard you put on quite a show for everyone,” Cottle said, not looking up from his clipboard. “However, what I do know is that when they brought you here you weren't exactly..” he stopped for a second thinking of the right word, “approachable.”Bill looked at him even more confused. Not approachable? What was he even talking about? Before he could ask any questions Lee came walking in looking panicked. “Dad, you’re awake! Are you okay?” He turned to Cottle. “Is he okay? They had to keep him sedated for a while. Are you sure he’s okay?”“If you could have calmed down for a minute and not rushed in here, I could have established that first,” Cottle grumbled under his breath.“Sedated? Why would anything be wrong? Sherman, what am I doing here? What the frak is going on?” Bill raised his voice now, his brows furrowing. He wasn’t used to not being in the know and he sure didn’t appreciate it.Lee was about to say something, but before he could Cottle cut him off. “Well, you may not remember how you got here, but is there something you do remember?”Bill felt confused, but tried to remember anyway and that’s when it hit him. The emergency, the panic, the phone call, Laura… “Laura’s dead, isn’t she?”Lee looked at his father surprised. That clearly was not the answer he expected. But if Cottle on the other hand wasn’t expecting that, his face did not show any sign of it. He did, however, look up from his clipboard and answered with a short “yes”.Bill was silent again trying to process it. Laura was gone. She was really gone and he had blocked it out somehow? What was going on?“Then why do I not remember it? Lee told me I was right there with her, but I really didn’t remember. I still don’t remember, I think.”Lee looked at Cottle, also curious what the man was going to say.“Well I can’t exactly rule anything out, since I haven’t had the time to do a full exam yet.” Cottle threw a quick glare at Lee, but continued: “Nevertheless, I don’t think anything is wrong with him physically. I think the admiral here had such an extreme reaction to the president’s death that he went into a survival mode. In this case protecting himself from the memory of her death”“So you don’t think something’s wrong with him physically? He doesn’t have any physical problems?” Lee could hardly believe it, had his dad really been in denial that badly? It seemed impossible, the strong and seemingly emotionless man he had known his entire life, had been broken.Cottle threw him another look. “As I just said, I can’t rule anything out yet, but I’m pretty certain my hypothesis is correct. I’ll just have to do that physical to confirm.”While Cottle and Lee were talking, Bill sat there trying to grapple with this new reality: One without Laura. He would never see her smile again. He would never see the twinkle in her eyes when she had a clever idea. Whether it was in politics or with him in bed. God he would never feel her in his arms or hear her voice again. But he also had so many more questions. How could he forget? How dare he forget. She didn’t deserve that at all. She was such a remarkable woman and he just erased her death as if it was nothing? Was he really such a terrible man?As he spiralled Bill couldn’t stop both anger and grief. It all felt too much. Like it was a black hole all consuming and soon after it came again, that empty hollow feeling. The one he had been feeling all along and it didn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— Bill couldn’t take it anymore. He had wanted to go back to work, but Cottle had told him that he wasn’t cleared for duty yet. Bill couldn’t think of just taking time off though. What would he do? Sit around and feel miserable? Keep on spiralling? No, he couldn’t. He had to keep himself busy. Even that seemed impossible. He kept on coming back to Laura. He couldn’t get past the idea of her being gone, it wasn’t a reality he wanted to be a part of.That’s how he had ended up the way he was right now. Drinking as much as he could to drown out the thoughts. He wasn’t cleared for duty yet anyway so what did it matter? He wasn’t picky in the alcohol he consumed. Anything he could get his hands on. Beer, whiskey, rum, it was all the same to him. As long as it made him numb.The only thing he would do all day was downing drink after drink. It didn’t matter that at some point he could barely lift his head or stay conscious. He didn’t even care if he woke up, face first on a table, right next to a pool of his own vomit. Nothing mattered anymore.Everyone around him was worried. Most of all Saul. He had seen his friend in many states. He had seen him when his kids were born, after the divorce of his wife and after the death of his son. He had seen William Adama at the worst and best days of his life, but none of them had looked like this. Bill’s soul had seemed broken to a degree Saul had never seen before in his life, least of all from Bill. It truly had seemed as if Bill was ready to give up on everything.Some days were better than others. Bill would drink himself knock-out drunk first thing and would be asleep for several hours.However, on others he would revert to disbelief of his current situation. One day he even decided to go see her, but he could barely stand, let alone walk. As Bill stumbled, bumping into things, falling over and getting up again like a little child still not able to have full control over their motor functions yet. If Bill was sober enough, he would’ve laughed at his state. Saul just knew it. It was pathetic, and yet nothing or no one seemed to be able to talk some sense into him.As Bill was going through the hall yelling Laura’s name trying to make it to the shuttles, Saul decided to intervene.‘Bill, listen to me. Laura is dead. She won’t be there. And even if she was, you shouldn’t go see her like this. You are in no state to go anywhere let alone fly a viper. Just go to bed. Let’s be rational here and let me take you to your quarters where you can sleep this one off.’Saul almost felt weird saying these things. Afterall Bill had tried and helped him after Ellen had died. Saul himself hadn’t been a walk in the park either, but nothing like this. Saul’s worst days couldn’t compare to this.Bill didn’t respond. Saul wasn’t sure if he had even heard him. He was so far gone, yet still so determined to go see the president.‘Bill. Stop. This is getting you nowhere. You can’t even walk.’ Saul was desperate now. He wasn’t afraid of Bill getting anywhere, the man could hardly put one foot in front of the other. He was much more worried about his friend’s mental state.“If I can’t go to her let me call her again then. Let me prove to you that the last time was a mistake.” Bill had said it in such an illegible way Saul struggled to even comprehend what he was saying.“Bill… That’s insane, you saw what happened last time. She is not there.” Saul enunciated every word so that hopefully would go through his friend’s thick skull. Surely he wouldn’t be such a frakking idiot that he’d try that stunt again?However, this was the first time Bill had seemed sober, or something of the sort.Bill heard nothing again. Even in his drunk state he knew that nothing was a bad sign. Nothing meant that there was no one yet again. Nothing meant no Laura. Nothing meant everything he needed to know, yet again..As that realisation hit him, his knees buckled and he fell to the floor, the phone with him. That was the moment Bill fully broke down. Tears were streaming down his face as he sobbed for the first time since his loss.And all Saul could do was stand there and hope that somehow Bill Adama was strong enough to find a way out of the void he found himself in. —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— Everyone thought the drinking had been bad, but the silence was almost worse. Bill wouldn’t leave his rack, not for anything. He wouldn’t even eat unless someone else forced him to. They had to threaten him with putting him in the medical bay, and force feed him via a feeding tube.It wasn’t as if Bill was trying to die, at the moment he just didn’t have the desire to live. Doing the bare minimum will have to do, for now. Or for however long it would take.All that he could think about was Laura. He thought about how he missed her, how disappointed she must be in him, how disappointed he was in himself that he had blocked out the event of her death.After his breakdown it had slowly come back to him that Laura was really gone. That there was nothing for him to hold on to anymore. And instead of nearly drinking himself to death and wasting precious medical supplies, he decided he’d rather be in bed, and sleep for as much as possible.Laura was still very alive in his dreams. This version of her, he had not lost, and he was keen to hold on to her. Even if he was left with his own thoughts during the day.That’s why in the mornings and the evenings that he missed her most. The times where he would hope to find her in his bed, her using his chest as her pillow and warming her freezing feet on his calves. Or when he’d have to face the sad reality of waking up from dreams where he did not lose her, again expecting to find her body next to his but still finding nothing. Sometimes he’d still hope to hear her voice, even if it was wishing him good morning or good night.It was this feeling what led him to try and call her one morning. He’d only just woken up, and in his sleepy state wanted to hear Laura’s voice first thing that day. However before he’d dialled the number he remembered.At least he didn’t have to hear the phone ringing before it hit him this time. He was really grateful for that. Bill was also past the point of crying every time he did realise. He was slowly running out of tears it seemed. —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— After watching Bill waste away everyone had tried to talk to him to go do something, but it was the conversation he had overheard between his son and Starbuck that somehow made him more receptive to it than anything. He knew that anyone could technically take the job of Admiral. They didn’t need him and he was more than happy to remain in his rack for however long was needed until he felt some semblance of something other than grief. But the fact that people were worried that he was done for good? That’s what shook him to his core.He would never leave the people who needed him behind. He just simply needed a break. He couldn’t deal with himself let alone anyone else. He may have wanted to sit, do nothing and go to sleep, but he realised that it was time to wake up. Make progress and get back to life.He had sought help and eventually found it in a logical place for once. It was Cottle who suggested that talking to the idea of Laura might help him process his feelings a little better. Bill didn’t feel too excited by the idea, but decided to try it out anyway. There was no harm in trying, he thought.So he went to his quarters for privacy and…. nothing. Gods, how does one even begin this? How do you talk to someone who isn’t there? He knew what he wanted to say, but would the words even come out? Would it really matter?That’s when he decided to actually call her. Even if she didn’t pick up, it felt more real that way.BeepBeepBeep“Laura, I know you won’t hear me and I know that you won’t actually pick up, but I just really need to talk to you.”BeepBeepBeep“I want to tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through everything you went though. You deserved so much more than what you got”BeepBeepBeep“I also wanted to tell you that I apologise for my reaction to everything.” His eyes started to water, his stomach in knots. “Gods Laura, I wiped your death from my brain. I can’t even express in words how frakking sorry I am for that. You didn’t deserve that. No one would deserve that, but especially not you. You’ve done so much for all of us, and for me especially.”BeepBeepBeep“You gave me the chance to enjoy love again. You’ve made me smile more times than I can count. You’ve pissed me off more times than I can count too,” he smiled as the tears kept on running down his face.BeepBeepBeep…“Before I hang up again I want you to know that I miss you, but I will continue on and find a place to build your cabin. I promise”—----------------------- Months went by and things would get easier day by day. Bill eventually got to the point again where he was mentally well enough to return to his position as admiral and find his people a new home. Just as he had promised so long ago.He would still make ‘calls’ to Laura just to talk about his day. By now he didn’t really need the phone anymore, although he still used it from time to time. Just because he liked the idea of it. He was even capable of visiting her quarters. Go through her things. See bits and pieces of her, before they would eventually have to clean them up as a new president would be elected.But there were still moments, however rare, where he was ready to reach for the phone. When he as admiral felt the need to discuss something with the president. Sometimes he’d be halfway asking for a secure line when reality would hit him. He wouldn’t make that mistake again. He would just have to get used to this new reality. One without Laura. It would take a while, but he would get there. One foot in front of the other, again and again, day by day.Until they finally found a place to settle down. Finally somewhere he could make a burial site for Laura. Her body may not be buried there, but it would be a new place of her’s he could visit and talk to. Right next to the cabin he would build in her name.