Archive of Our Own

Work Text

Escapism. - RAYE, 070 ShakeTBH - PARTYNEXTDOORNIGHTS LIKE THIS PT 2 – The Kid LAROIMoon River – Frank SinatraTonight – Summer WalkerIs It A Crime – SadeWILDFLOWER – Billie EilishI Want You To Love Me – Fiona AppleDrew Barrymore – SZAStrangers – Ethel Cainnot a lot, just forever – Adrianne Lenker505 – Arctic MonkeysI DO – Jessie ReyezPoison – Brent FaiyazA Little Death – The Neighborhood

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

♪ The man that I love sat me down last night

And he told me that it’s over

Dumb decision ♪

Flashing lights reeled across the room when I entered it.Every beat of the song that shook my chest made my pain dissipate. There wasn’t much thought into me showing up, I only knew I’d reached the point where I had to try and forget. I wondered where I would’ve been that day had the night before not happened.I wondered what it would’ve been like to still have him with me.Tightly, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried expelling the thought to the very back of my mind, but it kept coming up. Over and over.Going through a breakup was weird. I really had no other way of describing it. Twenty-four hours a day you spend either with them, or thinking about them. Then, when something has change and you part ways, you’re still thinking about them. I couldn’t imagine that feeling of longing going away, not in a month, year, or ever. Someday I would.The party was swarming with people, a lot whom I didn’t recognize. An uncomfortable feeling was starting to creep up on me as I stood in the awkwardness of showing up alone.I kept my greetings short in case they could see through me. I’d said hello to about three people before I saw someone I genuinely recognized; a younger girl named Sara.“He’s not with you?” Sara referred to my boyfriend. Who used to be my boyfriend.There was a pang in my chest, where my heart was. Right when I wanted to avoid it, it came to find me. That feeling. Dread. Loss.I laughed dryly, “No, no. We uhm...” My lip caught between my teeth. “We broke things off.”Her expression soured. “Jesus, are you okay? When did you break up?” “A while ago.” I lied, but I suspected that my smile didn’t quite reach my eyes.Her lips quirked up sympathetically. She was swiftly caught in somebody else’s conversation and I was not only reminded of what I came there to forget; I suddenly felt that I didn’t want to be there anymore.As I was back to my own devices, I contemplated a drink. Several, even. I felt bodies against mine, hot and sweaty, while I pushed past. My eyes had locked onto the scattered bottles on the table, a sight that reminded me of the parties I attended in my younger years. The sound of the music was fucking deafening. So were my thoughts.Those thoughts were quickly interrupted.A familiar voice sounded behind me, but when I turned around, I didn’t see anybody. That’s when I really started thinking I was going insane. Once again, I heard my name, and my fingers found my temples as I tried to massage out the overwhelming feeling in my head.On my shoulder, I felt somebody place their hand.I jumped, then I saw who it was.“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Charlie laughed, then retracted his hand. “You doing okay? You look a little...” He stopped himself, and searched my eyes for an answer.“I’m good. You?” I exhaled.He gave me a skeptical look but let it go. “I’m well, I’m cool. I’ve been here a while actually, only now found someone worth talking to.” He nudged me, in a futile attempt to cheer me up.I was barely listening. “That’s great.” I said absentmindedly, still attempting to push the weird feeling away that was growing in my head. Like pressure, only getting more intense.That was when Charlie really suspected something was up.He motioned to the kitchen so we could get some quiet.Charlie and I had been friends for about two years, but never very close. I knew him as one of, if not the, the kindest people I knew. He had a genuine heart, something I knew as rare to come by.We regularly hung around at busy parties such as this one; together, if more often than not.This night however, was bleak. Sour.That was really what it was, a sour taste in my mouth when the smell of the kitchen hit my nose. The smell of rotten food.“You came here with somebody?” He asked in attempt to strike up a conversation.I shook my head. “Just felt like going out. You?”He scratched his head and laughed awkwardly. “I came with my friend but I think he’s too busy making out with this girl we met a couple minutes ago.”“Aha.” I nodded slowly. “You’re still doing that podcast thing?”This time Charlie shook his head. “Nah. I’m working on some new stuff. It’s pretty exciting...” He rambled off, but my thoughts were elsewhere. The stench kept getting worse.God, the taste in my mouth made me sick.I hadn’t even rationalized the thought yet before my eyes went wide and my mouth filled with saliva.Charlie was pouring himself a drink when I said his name. He hummed and turned around, his eyebrows immediately furrowing. I could make out his voice asking if I was okay, then me telling him: “I’m gonna be sick.”Fast as I could, I sprinted down the hall and swung the door to the bathroom open.A shock of pain went through my knees when I dropped down to the floor and my stomach started emptying itself.The disgusting taste filled my senses, and my eyes watered as though I was crying. There were streaks of tears down my cheeks and strands of hair in my face before two hands gently found them and pulled them back.Charlie held my hair for the minute or so that I vomited and rubbed my back.“It’s okay.” He said, “You’re going to be okay.”My chest heaved up and down while I desperately tried swallowing away the horrible taste in my mouth.He said my name gently. “Jesus. How much did you drink?”That’s when I felt another knot in my stomach. “Nothing.” I said, “I just got here.”Charlie had a What do you mean? Look in his eyes, but as the moment of silence passed, he felt a lump in his throat.“Have you been sick?”
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
“No I-”There was another silence after that, this time heavier, awkward.The only sound was that from outside the door, the music was still banging loudly. I didn’t hear it. I didn’t hear anything except my own breathing.“When’s the last time you were...” He said it as though it was such an out of reach thought, like the question was too much to even ask. On your period, that was what he wanted to ask. I understood.Though when I thought about it, I couldn’t recall. Long. It had been too long.I didn’t say anything, instead slowly turning to look him in the eye before I whipped around to the toilet and I wretched again. This time, not because of the smell, but because the thought of it was so frightening. I couldn’t have thought of a worse time for it to happen.Immediately, Charlie grabbed my hair and held it for me as he watched me. There was no furrow in his eyebrows anymore, instead replaced by a wide-eyed expression of realization. Obliviously, he calmed himself with the thought that I wasn’t going through this alone, if I even was pregnant.He sank into the odd feeling of watching somebody go through a stage of life that made him feel as though he was growing up too fast.When I was finished, I felt my hands tremble; I was so shaken I couldn’t speak. The taste that tainted my tongue was beyond disgusting. It was bitter.I didn’t notice him getting up from beside me until he came back with a glass of water and put it to my lips as soon as I was finished wiping my face clean. He helped me drink, then set it down beside me.“I’ll go to the store. You can stay in the car, do the test at my place.” He once again stood up, with a hand outstretched to help me up.He was halfway out of the bathroom when I called his name. “Charlie...” I said hoarsely.He looked back at me.“Thank you.”He smiled, like it was nothing. The soft thrum of the car engine took me out of my thoughts when Charlie pulled out of the driveway. He had his arm slung behind me over the passenger seat while I watched him concentrate on reversing.He was oddly enticing.I didn’t linger on the thought. The heartbeat in my chest became faster and faster the more we were on the road. I was nervous. Hoping it wasn’t true.Charlie was quiet; and I hummed a song to myself. It was an anxious tic, something I never realized when I did it. My voice surfed over the riffs and the melodies quietly. It was an old song, a jazzy one, an attempt to pull myself out of what was happening.He listened to it, how I never missed a note, how I played with my fingers in my lap absentmindedly. He thought it was beautiful but kept the thought to himself; because he was scared that if he pointed it out, I’d stop.About five minutes away from the store, I spoke up.“What’s on your mind?” I asked softly, had it been any quieter he might’ve missed it.I watched him blink hard, tiredly, and run a hand through his hair. “If you really are, you know...” He trailed off a little, unsure how to appropriately voice his thoughts.I was, however, thinking about the same as he was.“I’ll keep it.” I swallowed. Hard. It felt weird saying it. I was ready, I had been. There simply couldn’t have been a worse time for it to happen.“I want to, I can. It’s just complicated.”I heard him hum. “Complicated?” He parroted, eyes still on the road.“Cole broke up with me. Last night.”Charlie's head snapped into my direction, “Jesus, fuck. I’m so sorry.”He looked over at me with an expression that tugged at my heartstrings. Had I even granted myself this much empathy? It felt like it was my fault.“Sadie, are you okay?” He pushed.“Yeah.”I still felt his eyes on me. “I’ll be fine. Please just- keep your eyes on the road you’re freaking me out.” I crossed my arms and avoided his gaze by staring out of the window, watching the streetlights pass by.I heard him sigh beside me, and the conversation ended.Before long, we were in an empty parking lot and the jingle of his keys was the only sound as Charlie swung open his door, before he suddenly stopped himself.“Y’okay with staying in the car?” He asked.I nodded.I watched him disappear behind the door of the grocery store.Upon entering, Charlie grabbed water bottles and several snacks before heading to the counter.He was so lost in thought he didn’t notice the cashier talking.“Sir?”
Last night? She’s going to do this alone...
“Sir!”He found himself a little startled, and sheepishly took a hand through his brown strands.              “Sorry. Yeah uhm... can I get like four of those?” He pointed to the shelves behind the woman at the counter. She gave him a weird look, then snatched the boxes and set them down in front of him.“Thanks.”I perked up when I saw him walk back out with his hands full, and a warm feeling found my chest when I laid eyes upon the chocolate he’d bought.“This is for you,” He gave me one of the chocolate bars, a water bottle and the tests, “I can take you home if you want?”“No, no yours is closer. I want this out of the way as quick as possible.” I assured him, and he started the engine.I chewed on the end of the chocolate, and let the flavor consume me for a moment.Charlie let out a breathy chuckle. “It’s weird to think last time we were together we were talking about stupid shit, remember what we said about having kids then?”A bubble of laughter escaped from my lips, the first genuine expression of joy I had in the past twenty-four hours. “If you told me we’d be here I think I’d have a stroke.”The sound of his giggles was like music.“I wish I could go back.” I didn’t mean to say it, and what I meant by it was painfully obvious, I realized.I wish I was back in that time, with Cole, without this complicated, emotional shit.I bit my lip.“You’re gonna be okay.” Charlie said, but I wasn’t convinced.I swallowed away my thoughts along with the pricking feeling of sadness. If I really was pregnant, I was going to do it alone. The best I could get from my ex-boyfriend was child support, a rather depressing thought.The thing was, Cole had fallen out of love with me. There really wasn’t much else to the conversation apart from him telling me he was sorry, over and over again while my brain shut down. I didn’t cry. Those emotions I stored away spilled out on my pillow later that night.I wish I could’ve known, read the signs and prepared myself for it.Looking to my left again, I wondered what Charlie was thinking about. His bottom lip was caught between his teeth. His face wore an expression I couldn’t exactly pinpoint. Sympathy? Pity?Guilt?When a passing streetlight illuminated his face, I saw it was contemplation.The car ride to his house felt like forever, but it was around thirty minutes long.I hadn’t actually been in his house before. He had a range of ambient lights in his house, especially his living room. I realized quickly he loved nature by the plants hanging in every corner, along with random trinkets of his niche interests I wasn’t surprised to see.Every step I descended further into his house made me more anxious. In my hands I gripped the pregnancy tests with sweaty, shaky hands. I didn’t doubt that he picked up on my nervous demeanor, by the way he ushered me ‘it’s going to be okay’s’.A queasy feeling crept into my stomach when I entered his bathroom, while he told me he’d wait outside for me.The first test came out negative.I exhaled a shaky breath and prepared for the next one.A while later, I’d reached the last one. I repeated the routine on the instruction manual, and felt a tiny bit more confident about the result. I sat down on the toilet seat while I waited, every now and then checking my timer.I picked up the test strip, and read two lines.I could’ve sworn I felt the earth stop turning and the noise fall silent.“No, no no no!” I didn’t realize I was mumbling to myself until I heard my name and soft knocks on the door.I couldn’t respond. Neither did I cry, or even feel anything other than shock. Pure shock.After that, I remember feeling lightheaded. I went through so many emotions simultaneously I felt that I was going to pass out. Tears were streaming down my cheeks like waterfalls at that point, bitter and salty.The realization of what my life was going to become had dawned on me.I must’ve opened the door at some point because Charlie caught me in his arms and sank with me to the floor as I wept.I wanted it back. My relationship, that feeling of comfort, knowing I was supported and I never had to take these steps in life alone. Feeling understood, and understanding to a personal level that was so deep I felt secure. I didn’t need more than that because Cole was my rock. Without that foundation I tripped and stumbled down this path, whatever it was going to be.I tried suppressing the impending feeling of severe loneliness by focusing on the heat against my body. Charlie.“I wanted this.” I sobbed, “For so long. I don’t know why I’m crying.” I pulled away and tried wiping away my tears, though they wouldn’t stop coming.A deep furrow nestled in his eyebrows when he said, “It’s okay, I understand. You wanted it with him.” He said, and I wondered how he always seemed to read me so well.Turns out, you can’t avoid heartbreak.It was going to catch up on me at some point, and there on the bathroom floor, when I clutched his shirt tightly with a tremble in my hands, I felt it, and went through it fully.Charlie didn’t need further contemplation when he made a vow to himself.And to me. The next morning, I woke up with a puffy feeling around my eyes and drowsiness clouding my vision. I turned to my side and opened my eyes slowly to see the beams of light streaming through paper thin curtains.
Are my curtains that thin?
My eyes went wide when I realized I was in a strangers’ bed, until I remembered it wasn’t a stranger at all.Last night.It hit me like a truck, the two lines on the pregnancy test, the party, Charlie, Cole.The breakup.I turned my head to my side to see the bed empty. He must’ve slept on the couch.When I entered the living room, I found myself to be right. There were disheveled blankets and a pillow on his couch. Still no Charlie, however.That was when the smell of toast wafted into my nose from across the living room, which led me to the kitchen.He must’ve not noticed my entry because when I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall, Charlie was still humming to himself and prodding at the eggs that sizzled in his pan. His hair stuck into several different directions; his shirt still hung awkwardly from sleep and I saw him subconsciously bring a hand to cover his mouth when he yawned.It felt oddly intimate, to see him like this. He looked so unkempt, and yet so intriguing.“Hi.” The tenderness in my voice caught me off guard. I could hear the sorrow still planted so deeply in my throat.I was right to assume he hadn’t noticed me by the way he jumped a bit upon hearing my voice behind him all of a sudden.“Fuck me.” He mumbled, “Have you been watching me?” He asked sheepishly, and ran a hand through his hair in a futile attempt to get it to stay in place.“Kind of, sorry.” I said bashfully. I noticed his eyes, how they scanned around my face, the redness around my eyes and the crooked attempt I made at a smile.“Hungry?”I nodded a little eagerly.I sensed something somewhat sympathetic in how he interacted with me. I could tell he wanted to take care of me, though I hated feeling like a wounded puppy. Incapable.“I’m really scared, Charlie.” I didn’t even mean to let the thought slip, and when I did his head snapped in my direction as he stopped in his tracks while he set the table. He set down the plates and traced his lips in thought.“You don’t have to go through with this.” He concluded after a brief silence.I shook my head swiftly. “I want to. I’m not making sense but I-” I exhaled rather shakily. “I want it but I’m scared. That I’m going to be a shit mother. That I can’t do this pregnancy shit alone.”“You don’t have to do it alone.” Charlie said quickly and earnestly.I blinked. Is he serious?“And I don’t believe you’d be a bad mother. Not in the slightest.” He said, but I was still stuck on the last part.I looked at him as to say what do you mean? But I understood his intentions. I picked up on it when he held my hair the night before, when he took me into his house and into his arms on the bathroom floor where I wept at the thought of losing what was so important to me, while simultaneously gaining something as precious as a human life.“I can’t ask that of you.” I finally said skeptically.“I want to.”“I-”“Sadie you’re my friend, I care about you, a lot. I don’t wish you to go through it alone, you really don’t have to.”I realized that no matter how much I would try to push him away he wouldn’t budge.It felt too much to ask, yet at the same time it was the most comforting thought in that moment. I’m not alone.“Okay.” I said barely above a whisper.  “Thank you.”I inched closer and wrapped my arms around him, and pushed away the overwhelming emotions that brewed in my chest.Charlie snaked his arms around my waist and rubbed my back comfortingly.“Food’s gonna get cold.” He murmured in my shoulder.I retracted myself from him and broke into a chuckle. It was odd, that fraction of a moment when I felt the warmth of brief joy. It felt good.I felt good.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

I eventually decided to call Cole.It was around noon the next day, and after fidgeting for hours I sat down on the end of my bed and dialed his number.The line rung for several seconds. I felt my heartbeat in my throat and the heat of embarrassment on my cheeks.The beeping stopped.“Cole?” I said softly into my phone, fumbling it with unsteady hands.I heard a sigh on the other end. “Why’d you call?”I swallowed hard. “I need to talk to you about something. You don’t have to do anything, I just wanted you to know.”I heard him mumble an ‘okay’ on the other end. The air was weird, awkward. I felt unwelcome in it.“Cole, I’m pregnant.”The line fell silent.“Are you sure?” He asked.“Yeah.”Silence, again.“Cole-”“I don’t know what you want me to say.”I bit my lip. The metallic taste of blood flooded my senses but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t, and it sunk in that perhaps I just wasn’t ready to have this conversation with him. I recalled the time when he wouldn’t have minded this happening. Things were different now.“You don’t need to say anything, I just needed to let you know that it’s yours, and that I’m keeping it.” I felt a sharp sting in my throat when I spoke, then tried swallowing it down.“You’re-” Cole stammered, “Why are you telling me this, Sadie?”“What do you mean by that?” I grew frustrated. I’d stood up from where I sat as a hand flung into my hair and I pawed at the strands.“It’s obvious you want something from me.”“No! No, I just- you deserve to know. I’m not trying to baby trap you or- or ask you to take me back-”“Okay then.” Cole said coldly, then refused to say anything else as it became quiet once more.I had so much I wanted to say, so much I needed to tell him. I needed him, I wanted it, all of it, but not like this. The realization that life really was not fair sunk in painfully as I sat back down and cried soundlessly. Why did he have to be a such a dick?“Sadie, it’s Monday. I have a lot of shit on my plate right now and I have to get back to work.”“’Kay.” I said faintly. My mind was somewhere else. Sometime- and place, else.I didn’t notice he’d hung up until I looked back at my phone screen.Before long the empty feeling I was trying to avoid for the past few days entirely consumed me.I pondered for a minute whether Cole seriously thought I expected him to run back to me.The sound of my doorbell startled me out of my trance. Charlie was going to come by. He’d offered to do some of the housework in my apartment when I told him I was feeling tired and nauseous. My fatigue had reached a point where I couldn’t get around to actually picking up my life after the breakup. It felt horrible. I wondered whether the sour taste in my mouth was from throwing up or because of Cole.I opened the door and saw my friend typing frantically on his phone. His head snapped up when it swung open and took a hand through his (somehow even messier than before) hair.“Hey.” He smiled. “I brought you donuts.” He stuck the packet into my hands nonchalantly and shoved his phone into his back pocket. Like it was nothing. Like he wasn’t putting my pieces back together.“You know how to make a girl happy, huh?” I really couldn't stop the grin from spreading across my face.The corners of his lips quirked up at that.“I really am happy you offered to come by. Shit’s been really-” I feel silent for a second. “Yeah, I don’t know.” I scratched the back of my neck and watched as he nodded slowly and understandingly.“Let me help you.” Charlie said as he shrugged of his shoes and I closed the door behind him.              “What do you need from me?”I crossed my arms for a second and kissed my teeth, eyes darting from my kitchen to my laundry.“Can you help with the dishes first?” I asked him humbly.“Of course.” Charlie followed me as I led him to my kitchen.I explained all of my different cupboards and compartments, as he watched me silently. I noticed that he did that a lot; watch.Watch me.When Charlie noticed that I was trying to move things around his hands found my shoulders and looked me in my eyes as he spoke, “I want you to relax. I got this. Go rest for a bit, yeah?” His tone really was not condescending at all. It was sweet, caring. I felt warm.“Okay.” I said, then plopped myself down on my couch. I had my head on the one side and my feet propped up on the other so I could look at him. He didn’t seem to notice. His concentration was on packing away my dishes. Carefully setting down the glasses and stacking the plates.Watching him was therapeutic, but I found myself falling asleep to the TV.When Charlie noticed I’d fallen asleep he had just finished cleaning the kitchen.He walked up to the living room and leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. His eyes went from me, the TV, then the full basket of laundry.He pulled a blanket out of it and laid it over me, then sat down on the floor next to me and started folding.Charlie really didn’t mind housework. He found it to be the one moment he could shut everything in his head off and just work. He hated when it piled up, though. He preferred getting to it before it could become a problem.He also liked doing things for other people. It made him feel useful. It was his way of showing affection.Halfway through the basket, his phone lit up.
Sara B

Ru still down for tonight? Ask Sadie if she wants to come.

13:03
Charlie looked back up at my sleeping figure, then back down to his phone.
 I’ll let you know.

13:04
About an hour later, Charlie had long finished cleaning up for me, and I took a couple deep breaths before waking up fully.I cracked an eye open and squinted while trying to adjust to the light that streamed through my thin curtains, right into the living room.The first thing I saw was him.He was sunk into my lounge chair with spread legs and an arm slung over the one side and his phone in the other.My eyes flicked from him to the pile of neatly folded wash on the carpet. I smiled to myself and felt some of the weight roll off my shoulders. I stretched out my arms and rubbed my eyes, then noticed a blanket falling off the side of the couch. I didn’t recall having one when I fell asleep, but I shrugged off the thought.“You sleep good?” Charlie joked as he set his phone down.I grinned. “Mhm.” I murmured, “Thanks for helping me.”“Anytime.” Charlie then perked up, “Sara’s having a party tonight. Small one. Do you wanna come?”I hummed. “Sure. Did you want to go together? I’ve a new show we can watch in the meantime.” I asked as I sat up.Charlie shook his head. “I’m getting my hair cut in an hour. I’m heading out in a minute.” He said as he got up and shoved his belongings in his pockets.“Good plan. I was having trouble seeing your eyes through that hair.” I teased.He groaned with a hand against his heart. “You wound me.”“No seriously,” I giggled, “You look like you’re about to fly away.”“Goodbye Sadie.” Charlie mustered a disappointed tone but I could see his grin.Right before he’d turned the handle of my door, he stopped.“I’ll pick you up, yeah? Just tell me when.” He said kindly, sincerely.I hid a smile and nodded.The click of the door sounded when he shut it behind him.I looked around my house, the kitchen that was clean for the first time in days, and I noticed the care he put into leaving everything as neatly as he could.A part of me felt fine, better; I supposed. Not good, not yet.I stared at the door for a couple moments. I supposed it would do me good to get out of the house. The four walls drove me crazy. I felt isolated and suffocated.Cole and I never lived together. We saw each other all of the time, but rarely in the cool summer mornings, those where we would’ve sat on the balcony with coffee. Never had we even been wrapped up in the same blanket during winter and fallen asleep together.The thought sent a stinging pain straight into my throat.I wished for so many things. For more time, for him, to not be alone anymore.The passing hours felt like ages.“I’m not alone.” I found myself whispering, over and over, until I saw Charlie’s face so clearly in my mind he might as well have been standing in front of me.I didn’t know where the thought of him even came from.I pictured him smiling with that comforting haze in his eyes. Like a warm bed when there is cold air coursing through my room.I hoped that the lonely feeling would dissipate again when I was with him again, but when I finished getting ready and opened my door, once again to face him, I felt little difference.He cleaned up nicely, I had to admit to myself. He was clad in all black, which somehow brought out his eyes. I noticed that his hair was shorter, though the strands still stuck out into different directions. It looked soft, and I caught myself wondering how it would feel between my fingers.For a second or two Charlie didn’t quite know what to say. I watched as he took me in, as he always did. I found myself once again wondering what he was thinking about.“You ready?” He breathed.I nodded.The sun was starting to set when the engine turned on and Charlie drove the both of us out.I watched the palm trees and streetlights whizz by, occasionally looking to my side to see Charlie’s eyes fixed on the road.I sighed, then pressed my eyes tightly shut for a split second.“I called Cole this morning.” I mumbled.I was still looking ahead of me, but I could see his head snap in my direction in my peripheral.“You told him?”I nodded slightly. “I did.”We didn’t say anything for a good minute after that. I swallowed hard and contemplated whether I should tell him more about the conversation or not, but the words were already spilling from my lips before I really thought it through.“He thought I was trying to baby trap him or something.” I said nonchalantly. Charlie however knew me well enough to see the hurt.“Fuck, Sadie.” His eyebrows were scrunched up and he looked at me with those same eyes I saw at the party when I’d told him we had split up.I shrugged. It was quiet again.“I don’t really want to think about it.” I sank a little deeper into my seat. “I’d rather mourn the fact that I can’t get shitfaced tonight.” I put on a smile and looked at him again, hoping he’d shrug off the matter as I did.Charlie’s smile didn’t reach his features how it usually would, but he let it go. I had forgotten how fun Sara’s parties were. I’d been to a few in the past year and though I was sober, my hips were swaying and my hair was down. I found it hard to recall the last time I let myself go like this. Probably not long, but days had felt like years since I ended up alone. She definitely lied about it being a small thing, I could’ve guessed there were about fifty people crammed in her house.Within five minutes of being there, I had already lost Charlie in the crowd and I was left scanning faces to see who I knew. I saw Sara chatting some people up, before a stranger filled my field of view.“You look familiar.” Said a man who’d come up from behind me. He had a striking face, and the type of eyes I could see myself being lost in; dark like the night sky. His figure towered over me so ridiculously I felt a little intimidated.“Yeah, you too.” I lied. I could tell he was drunk, and that he was alone.He was chatting to me for a bit, small talk, though in the corner of my eye I saw a familiar mop of brown hair. The moment Charlie and I made eye contact, the man, whose name I learned to be Hayden, fell to the back of my mind. I excused myself and pushed through the endless crowd of people.Charlie watched me inch closer as he leaned against one of the many liquor filled tables with his arms crossed. He tasted the aftertaste of Hennesey on his own tongue. How many had he had? Two, three of them? His mind was fuzzy but his gaze was clear, focused.Focused on me.He poured himself another drink, this time mixing it with soda. Guess she’s driving me home tonight. He thought to himself humorously.Once I’d come face to face with him, the only sound we heard for the first couple of seconds was music. The beat thrummed in my chest and took away half of my coherent thoughts, leaving the rest to wander.Then my eyes fell to what he held in his hands.
I really shouldn’t.
Charlie set down his glass with a quirk in his eyebrow, then once again crossed his arms and shook his head at me subtly.I didn’t mean to look at him so pleadingly. To take a step closer.“Don’t look at me like that.” He rasped.I swallowed, hard.“Like what?” I asked pretentiously obliviously.“You know what.”“Why?” I snapped back, challenging him.He licked his teeth.“Because you’re gonna make me give it to you.”I wondered if he meant to say it like that.He’s just drunk. I said to myself.“You’re slurring your words, Charlie.”“Am I?”The room felt several degrees hotter. I hadn’t had anything yet I felt drunk. The seconds I had stood there with my mouth half open at a loss for words felt longer than they were. It was hard to tell when the music drowned out any reason.Our moment was swiftly interrupted by Sara who came up to me with an apologetic expression.My eyebrows fell into a furrow when the apologies started spilling from her lips.“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know he was coming.” She explained, “I didn’t invite him. I promise.”“Who- who? Invite who?” I stammered, but the sinking feeling in my chest told me the answer.Sara bit her lip, looked behind her to the entrance of her home, then back at me.“Cole.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

There was a funny feeling in my head. It spun, twisted my vision and meshed my thoughts into something unintelligible.There were eyes on me. Mine were on him.Connection had strange ways of proving itself. He must have felt my presence, in some unexplainable way; because when the music was drowned out and all I could hear was breathing his gaze flicked over my figure.The world was fading away around me, as were the people.Dizzily, I looked back at Sara.“I’m sorry he pitched up; I know you two broke up.”  Sara had her bottom lip caught between her teeth.“It doesn’t matter.” I forced a smile. It was no big deal, right? He was an ex, not an odd thing to have. Just an ex.That was until I saw that he in fact was not alone.She was beautiful. She had the shiniest hair I’d ever seen, framing her youthful face with wispy ends. I could tell she was the type of person you’d have a hard time looking away from.Hollywood smiles and sultry giggles, his hand that slipped down the bottom of her short dress and a subtle caress.Cole touched her because he knew I was watching, and I began to wonder what I had done to deserve his contempt.“I’m going to the bathroom.” I murmured to Charlie as I slipped away.“Sadie, wait-”His attempt to stop me was futile.In the bathroom, my hands were cupped around my stomach while I looked in the mirror as I stared at myself. I felt disgusting. Used. It was so out of character for Cole to jump the fence and delve into the greener grass on the other side. Thoughts evaded my mind, telling me I barely even knew him at all.I stared right into my reflection, my face flat, when I felt the change; the anger. Sara spoke to Charlie while I was away.“Hey,” She’d said to him, “Is she like, okay?” She referred to me, who had been away for several minutes already.Charlie sighed absentmindedly. “I think she just needs a moment.” He murmured, with his gaze glued to the wall and a million thoughts in his mind.“Yeah.” Sara said. “Been there done that.” She joked in attempt to lighten the mood, though she found Charlie’s expression concerned.“Wait-” She suddenly said, while uncrossing her arms and looking behind him.“Is that Sadie?”She pointed towards the other end of the room. Charlie turned around and scanned faces until he saw mine.His teeth gritted against each other hard when he looked at us. Once I’d stumbled out of the bathroom, I entered the sea of moving bodies, flashing lights and bright colors and the thrumming of music over our chests.That was when Hayden and I had locked eyes.As a wave over the water, my body shimmied through the crowd until meters became inches, inches became face to face.We didn’t do much talking.My hands slid from his chest to over his shoulders and found purchase on his neck. I felt his hands snake on either side of my waist and reeling me in.Our lips had made contact, but I didn’t feel anything.It was embarrassing, childish even. Kissing a man that I felt nothing for, because the man that had my heart held her. Hoping that he would watch, hoping to get some type of reaction from him.Then, I felt a pair of eyes on us; staring daggers. The presence was so overwhelming that I felt the heat on my back from how his eyes burned into it.When I parted from the man with the night sky eyes, mine wandered until I found Cole. I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t look bothered, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being stared at.I scanned the room subtly until I laid eyes on him.Charlie.His jaw was pressed tightly shut, and I felt his glare all the way from where I stood.Hayden’s lips had found my neck, kissing gently around the skin but I barely even felt it. I was lost in this trance; the line of vision that connected me and Charlie across the room. Expressions said what a thousand words couldn’t explain. I couldn’t pinpoint the feeling that gave me, so I let it go.The fleeting moment had passed, and I continued intertwining with the man in front of me.Hayden was attractive, enticing. He was passionate in every move he made, the way he spoke, kissed. My mind however, was stuck on everything but him. It lingered on Charlie briefly, and I wondered to myself why.I didn’t end up staying much longer when we finally parted.I was still sober, pushing away the urges to drink.I’d found Charlie again to see that he wasn’t particularly enjoying himself, so I offered to take him home. Once we stepped outside, I smelled the alcohol on him.I cleared my throat. “You wanna stay over at mine? So you can drive your car home in the morning.” I motioned to his car, which he’d used to take us both there.“Yeah, alright.” His hands were deep in his pockets and he stared ahead of him.There was something in the air I couldn’t explain. It was awkward and heavy. I didn’t know how to feel. I thought I’d feel better.Even just a little bit.“Are you okay?”His question startled me. We’d been on the road for five minutes and hadn’t exchanged a word.“Not really.” I said moments later. I decided there was no use in lying to him. I couldn’t start to explain what I was feeling. ‘Hurt’ couldn’t even begin to cover it. The sting of betrayal lingered in my chest consistently.“I’m getting my blood test tomorrow. To confirm the pregnancy.” I eventually said after another quiet couple of seconds.Charlie hummed in response. “D’you want me to come with?” He asked.His kindness took me off guard for a moment. I caught my bottom lip between my teeth.“I’d like that.”The ride to my apartment felt a lot longer than it was in the silence.When the lights of my apartment flicked on and I let him in, I pointed him to the shower and watched as he stumbled through the door. He definitely was more drunk than he let on to. It felt a little out of character for him, but I brushed it off.The moment I made it to bed, the party started replaying in my head.Charlie and I’s, strange, conversation. Cole and his new girl, and Hayden.I needed a break. From pregnancy, the break up, the itching feeling that was weighing on my conscience every waking moment. Even my dreams were filled with it. I couldn’t figure out whether I was a good person or not; whether that even existed. I laid awake at night hoping I was going to be a good mother, that I wouldn’t let people down the way I let down Cole. I was plagued by the voice in my mind telling me it was my fault, and I couldn’t shake it.My fingers traced along my lips, and the feeling of guilt slowly settled into my stomach. Like I was cheating. Cheating on the man who didn’t even want me anymore.“I’m so fucking stupid.” I groaned with my palms over my eyes.I repeated it in my head several times until I lost count, and somehow missed that Charlie had already finished showering. His footsteps neared my room, heavy and familiar.My thoughts fell to the back of my mind as I watched him.He crept up from the hallway and leaned against my doorframe, with his arm propped up above himself. His towel hung sleazily over his waist and I prayed he didn’t notice the wander of my eyes.A lazy smile played on his lips when he finally spoke up. “Can I borrow some clothes?”I swallowed away the odd feeling that crept up from the back of my mind.“Yeah, give me a sec.”The night felt long. I was tossing and turning in bed for hours with a mind that refused to sleep, and a thousand thoughts of the past in my mind. I was overcome by melancholy.The taste of salt slowly intruded my lips.I had barely even noticed the wet drops trickle down my cheeks, and as my sadness progressed, I had trouble remembering what it was like to go a day without crying. I was going insane. It couldn’t be a normal amount of emotion for just one person.The first sob racked from my throat; a lot louder than I expected. I bit down onto my lip in attempt to quiet the sound with little avail. My hand then clasped around my mouth as I cried into it.I hoped that he wouldn’t notice.The waves of sorrow hit me relentlessly like a tsunami did the shore. Tall and deep, unbearable yet I bore it as rocks would under weather.Three gentle knocks sounded from my door. A part of me wanted so desperately to speak but the words wouldn’t come out.My door opened slowly, and though I couldn’t see I heard his footsteps near the side of my bed.Charlie crouched next to me, and I felt a thumb wipe away one of the countless tears that had spilled down my face.“Ch...” I sounded feeble like a child. “Charlie?”“Hmm?” He hummed sympathetically, always listening; always there.“Will you hold me?”Quietly he’d gotten up, and I started to fear I overstepped.Then, the sound of fabric rustled when he crept into bed next to me and carefully took me into his arms.I heard his heartbeat so clearly; something that normally would’ve made me anxious (though I found his to be the exception.)This level of intimacy I had only shared with Cole for the longest time, and I started to notice the little differences. The way his thumb rubbed up and down on the back of my head soothingly, the inaudible whispers of him consoling me. I noticed he had a little quirk of tapping rhythms onto surfaces. This time, he did it onto the small of my back.
Tap tap tap...
I listened carefully to the pads of his fingers against my skin. I vaguely recognized the song, and as his touches progressed, I felt the stinging feeling in my throat dissipate, and my trembling breath become slow.“I used to cry a lot as a kid. My parents hated it, never knew where it came from.” Charlie told me.“Then one time, I think I was about nine, my mom sat me down on her lap and tapped out the rhythm to this song, I forget the name. She’d hum the song, too. And it just made me quiet.” He explained.I hummed in response.“It’s going to get easier, Sadie.”A sigh left my lips. “I don’t know.” I said truthfully.“Just give it time.” He said, “I’m here.”I wondered to myself what I did to deserve him. He never asked anything back, never made me wallow in guilt. I’d have stayed there forever if I could. Time. I had so much of it ahead of me, so why did I feel I had none? I was running a race with the ending in sight. That was what it felt like. Easier. It’s going to get easier. The echoes of Charlie’s words bounced around the walls of my mind while I mulled over them.Several deep breaths later, I finally managed to relax the muscles in my body and submit to the feeling. The feeling of being supported.Just a tiny bit, I shifted back when I realized.“Moon river.” I murmured to him.Charlie furrowed his eyebrows. “What?”“That’s the name of the song.”It took him back. Fifteen years ago, with the warm light and the heat of the fireplace licking at his skin. His mother; the love she gave him. Endless like water that sprouts up from the soil.As the thrum of his fingers finished the song, I slipped away into a dream.Charlie however, stayed up for a bit longer so that he could enjoy the heat our bodies shared, and the nostalgia that lingered in his mind. 
♪ We’re after the same rainbows end

Waitin’ round the bend

My huckleberry friend

Moon river,

And me ♪

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

1 month later, 8 weeks along
Whilst pacing around my apartment, I was blabbering about my anxiety to Charlie. It had been weeks since my pregnancy was confirmed, and despite my seeing my doctor regularly I hadn’t been more worried.“But what if I fuck up?  Like I-” I faltered, “I hit my stomach really hard or something. On accident. Or I eat out too much and the baby-”“I’m pretty sure that’s a myth.” He tried reassuring me, but based on his defeated tone I could tell he was giving up already. We’d been on the phone for twenty minutes and I had not yet calmed down one bit.“Or maybe my food gets laced or something. I don’t know.” I plucked at the skin around my nails; I knew I sounded stupid.I stopped pacing for a moment, then pressed my eyes tightly shut.“And fuck. My back fuckin’ hurts.” I murmured with a hand over my face as I twisted my back around with little relief.It felt like a building was pressing down on it, and there were sticks between my joints. I contemplated scheduling an appointment for it but never got around to doing it.“What did you say about your back?” I heard him perk up on the other end of the line.“It hurts. Real bad. Like I got hit by a fucking truck or something.” I explained.I heard him rummage through what sounded like glass. “I can massage you, if you want.” He said, “I’m free tonight, around eight.”I sighed. “Charlie... I can’t let you come over every other day. I feel bad. I can do this shit on my own-”“Sadie, I said I’d help you with this. So let me help you. I don’t care if it means I come over every five minutes.” He said sincerely.“Are you sure?”“I- Yes. I’m sure. I’ll be there at eight.” Charlie reiterated. I caught myself wondering how he continuously put up with me.“Okay.” I said as we ended our conversation.The clock took forever to hit 8.I was putting my hair up in the bathroom mirror, and watched as stray strands fell around my face. I let out a grunt of frustration when they fell back down after pushing them up.The sound of my doorbell interrupted my train of thought.“Shit.” I dropped my comb into the sink and straightened my top as I made for my door.I fumbled my keys clumsily, and when the door finally swung open, I was met with those green eyes and a scent that made me dizzy.“Hey.” I breathed.Charlie gave me a warm smile before his arms swept me into a hug.“Your hair looks good like this.” He murmured into my ear and a chill traveled from my spine to my neck.Subconsciously I tucked a piece behind my ear. “Thanks.”I let him in. The air was slightly awkward, and I started to question whether letting him massage me was weird.Once I’d sat down, I realized slowly that I had to take my shirt off. Charlie had respectfully taken his eyes off me as my fingers gripped the hem. I didn’t know why I was being so tense. We were just friends.He had me lay down on my stomach on my bed. He reassured me that the position wasn’t going to hurt the baby, as my doctor had several times. I was worried even though there wasn’t even a bump yet, and I tried swallowing away my anxieties.I started to notice the strength of his hands once he’d laid them on my skin. I felt the muscles flex as he started feeling out my shoulders, my middle, and then my lower back. Stop thinking about it. Once his hands had traveled up, they were caught in my bra.“You can take it off.” I spoke softly.Had I heard his breath hitch? You’re imagining things.My heartbeat doubled in speed when I felt his fingers hook under the strap, then skillfully unclasp it with one hand.I felt a shiver when he moved the now loose straps out of the way.In my peripheral I saw him retrieve a small glass bottle from his pocket and put something on his hands. When he once again started working on my back, I realized it was massage oil, and I began to wonder how often he did this.Charlie was good at it. He’d quickly figured out exactly where the tightness in my back was, like he’d done it a million times. His hands were all over my body, it felt like. He found every muscle, crevice and spot that had been aching and loosened them.Once he’d reached the exact spot, I whined. The sound was obscene, but I couldn’t stop it.I could’ve sworn I felt him tense up.“Stop doing that.” If he’d whispered it any quieter I’d have missed it.As he once again inhaled sharply, I realized what was going on.Oh.
Oh.
He was hard.“I- fuck.” I murmured as he hit another knot, “Sorry.” I buried my face in my arms, wondering how the fuck we ended up here.My bottom lip drew between my teeth while I tried not to make a sound, and Charlie attempted to compose himself, steadying his hands once more.I finally let myself melt into his touch.The room was hot. Humid. I was suffocating, fading in and out of a hypnotic state while I focused on his hands on my body. It shouldn’t have felt that good. A part of me was happy I didn’t make an appointment for it. I doubted it would’ve been as good as this; as him.“Feeling better already?” Charlie retracted his hands for a moment.I nodded, far too shy to turn and look at him. “Don’t stop.”He chuckled airily. “Yeah, alright.”He went on for a good half an hour after that. How his hands didn’t get tired was beyond me, but I was just enjoying the relief.Once the awkward tension in the air had settled down, he helped fasten my bra and handed me my shirt. He once again averted his gaze, always polite.For a little while, we stood in my kitchen. I poured him some wine, and filled a glass of water for myself. I was sat on my counter on the one end, while he was leaned against the other.“So where did you learn massage?” I said as I took another sip of my water.Charlie’s lips quirked up. “My girlfriend back in high school had uhm,” He looked for the right words, “Scoliosis or something. Really bad back pain.” He explained. “She had me massaging her back just about every night. Nearly broke my fuckin’ hands doing it.” He reminisced, bringing his glass back up to his lips.I smiled, wondering why I felt a pang in my chest. Was I feeling bitter? Jealous? I shrugged off the thought.“She’s lucky. You’re not half bad.” I joked, while trying to suppress the evil grin from spreading across my face.“Oh yeah? You want me to bring up what you said?” He retorted, and I felt my cheeks flush like I was a teenager with a crush.“Oh my god.” I groaned with my face in my palms.“Don’t stop Charlie! God don’t-” He moaned pretentiously, and laughed as he watched my blush deepen.“I did not say it like that!”When our laughter had died down, I found my mind wandering.My eyes flicked over his figure as his scent wafted into my nose. I wished my whole house would smell like him. My head was spinning.“Are you wearing cologne?” I didn’t mean to let it slip. To look at him like I did.I watched him set his glass down and motion for me to come closer.“C’mere.”My legs were jelly when I hopped down from the counter, and stalked towards him.He let me smell his neck, and I found us to be so close my lips were almost touching him. I could feel the heat radiating off of his body.“You like it?” His voice was lower, raspier.“It’s alright.” I lied, but he noticed the playful hint in my eyes.Charlie kissed his teeth and watched me take a step back.His lips were slightly parted, and I could tell he needed to say something. Just as I thought he’d say it; he bit his tongue.My eyebrows furrowed for a short second in suspicion.“What’s up?” I tested the waters and searched his eyes for any type of answer.“It’s nothing.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Have you eaten yet?”I wished he didn’t ask. “Uhm...” I looked behind me at my far too clean of a kitchen, and felt the guilt creep onto me.Charlie didn’t look too pleased. “Sadie its almost nine.”My nose scrunched up in shame. “I know. I just didn’t have the energy. And my back...”He shook his head.“I’ll make you something. Go sit down.”I shot him a grateful look, then hopped back onto the counter where I sat prior. He gave me my glass of water and motioned for me to finish it.I liked having somebody to take care of me. I knew that I’d forget to if I didn’t. Through nausea, fatigue and barely bearable soreness I would’ve gone many more nights without enough to eat. That guilt would’ve killed me. I wanted my child to be healthy.“I’ve been thinking about what my kid is gonna be like.” I couldn’t hide my grin. I had my hands cupped around my stomach and a million ideas in my mind.Charlie looked back at me from where he was chopping garlic. “If they’re anything like you, I’m sure they’ll be great.”“You’re corny.” I shook my head and giggled.His contagious smile spread across his face. “I mean it.”“Have you thought of any names?” He asked as he started on the onions.“Nah. Not yet. I keep coming up with something, but I never end up liking it.” I explained, and looked down at my legs which I was swinging around in boredom.Charlie sipped his wine once more. “Good thing you’ve got a good seven months to decide.”“God, it’s going to take forever.”Truth was, I was excited. To meet my child, watch them grow. I wondered what little habits and quirks they were going to have. What they were going to like, and what they were going to hate. I made a vow to myself to love them unconditionally, and to never take them for granted.I smiled at the thought while I rummaged through the items on my counter until I found my JBL, then flicked it on.The melodic sound of a trumpet in a jazz sequence filled the air, and I walked over to where Charlie was cooking.I was singing along to the song softly when I put my hand on his shoulder. “This smells nice.”“What is it?” He could tell I was up to something by the hint in my eye.“Dance with me?” I asked with a cheeky grin.“Seriously?”“Yes seriously. Please?” I could tell he was no match for my pleading eyes.He set down the spatula as his hands found my waist, and mine slid to the back of his neck.
♪ Is it a crime?

Is it a crime?

That I still want you?

And I want you to want me too ♪
Like two droplets joined into a puddle, our bodies swayed like water.Our eye contact was everything but uncomfortable. I found it to be the same type we’d had at that party, a month ago. When we’d locked eyes across the room. When I’d inched closer, until we stood so nearby each other that I could almost feel his skin on mine.I felt that whatever wall that separated us was crumbling, eroded like rocks by wind and sea with each passing minute.“The food is going to burn.” He squeezed my waist, then retracted his arms and turned back to the pan.“What are you making?” I said as I observed the different ingredients that were scattered around the kitchen.I watched Charlie smile to himself.  “Steak with rosemary and like, a fuck ton of garlic, I’m still figuring out what I’m doing with the potatoes.”“I didn’t know you were a good cook.”He scrunched up his face at me. “I’m not.”I gave him a skeptical look. “Yeah right.” I perked up, “I know what’s gonna taste good with this.”Cooking with Charlie was therapeutic. We didn’t say much, instead focused on what was in front of us. We stood shoulder to shoulder as we tasted what the other made. The sound of the beef sizzling in the pan, the soft jazz in the background and the patter of rain on my window created a comforting haze in the air. Occasionally, when the music swelled, Charlie took my hands into his and spun me around a few times, and swayed with me for a couple seconds before we got back to work.This time, as he lifted my hand above my head and I twirled, his hand found the small of my back and he dipped me backwards.A small gasp left my lips.His eyes didn’t leave mine once when he bent down with me. His arm was a strong anchor under me, his other hand behind my head to support me. There were a thousand thoughts racing through my mind, and each one of them was about him. His skin against mine, how much there was left of him to explore.Our faces came closer by an inch.Then another.“Sadie...” Charlie whispered, his lips barely brushing mine.The alarm went off before I could even respond. We quickly stood back up, disheveled and confused. We once again were feet apart, with heaving chests and a fast heartbeat.It was uncomfortable again. I couldn’t begin to process or even accept what I was feeling, so I pressed my lips together and clicked the alarm away on my phone,“Food’s ready.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

16 weeks
Aside from baby kicks, my belly was starting to show. The bump wasn’t big, but it was too noticeable to hide at that point. Several weeks before I told my family and friends, but bit my tongue to my coworkers. I wasn’t jumping to be treated differently, but it was inevitable.The physical changes were hard to keep up with. I’d gained some weight, and my stomach popped out of every top I had. I often stood in front of the mirror, with my fingers gliding over the bump as I observed myself.The excitement had turned mostly into exhaustion. Life was getting harder, and most of the people in my life treated me too carefully for comfort. It started out nice, never having any weight on my shoulders, though at some point I needed the tasks so that I could distract myself. I hated feeling like I was incapable.Aside from that, Charlie was becoming distant. I wasn’t quite sure why.Over the course of two months, he visited less, called in less. I couldn’t find it in my heart to blame him, but I missed him.This week in particular was oddly quiet.I was at my millionth doctor's appointment, sat down on the chair while she chatted with me about the upcoming week.“So, this is exciting. We might be able to tell the baby’s gender in about a weeks' time. That’s when we have a spot open, does Friday 9AM work for you?”I nodded eagerly. “Yes! Yeah, I’ll be there. I’ll put it in my agenda...”When I opened my phone, my screen displayed the chats I last sent to Charlie. 24 hours ago, still unopened. I didn’t know whether to be concerned or not.As I opened my calendar and typed it out, I couldn’t contain the smile that crept on my lips.“Any predictions?” My doctor asked me kindly.I shook my head and laughed. “Every time I think it might be a boy; my mind tells me it’s a girl.” I said, “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.” The day before, I had a difficult conversation with Cole on the phone. After the breakup, all of the conversations were difficult with him. He wanted nothing to do with me, I could tell.I had convinced him to pay child support, and told him that he never needed to talk to me again, let alone see me. I expected more of a fight from his side, but was pleasantly surprised by his compliance. I figured it might have been just to keep me at a distance.He texted me one time, while I was asleep. It wasn’t until the morning when I saw he’d deleted the message, which left me wondering what he’d said.I didn’t go looking for the answer.Another change in my life was that I’d stopped going to parties. They quickly became boring and without alcohol, and frankly exhausting.My life was quiet, filled with updates of the life that grew inside of me, and occasional visits from Charlie. I didn’t mind it too much.In my head I replayed what happened two months prior. I had trouble sleeping at night while the scene played in my mind, over and over. The thoughts of missing Cole had turned into thoughts about Charlie. I wasn’t sure when it changed, but it was all I could think about. His touch, that I hadn’t felt in a while.My fingers subconsciously traced along my bottom lip. Was I crazy? Did he almost kiss me?Did he want to kiss me?One night was the worst of all. I was looking in the mirror. Again. I felt disgusting, hyper focused on the fuller parts of my body, the dark circles under my eyes. Did I become undesirable? Was that why there became such a distance between us?He did call me, eventually. A couple days before my next appointment.“Hi.” I said tenderly into the phone, scared that I’d scare him off if I spoke too loudly.“Hey, I’m sorry. I’ve been busy.” Charlie sounded like he was in a hurry.
You don’t say.
“How’ve you been?” He asked.“Fine.” It felt like a lie. “A little bored I guess.” I said, “Hey, are you free on Friday?”“Uhm,” He hummed, and I heard him exchange a few words in the background. I didn’t hear any of it, they were just muffled sounds strung together. “I’m not sure. I’ll let you know.”“Okay.”His tone turned apologetic. “I’m sorry, I have to go. We’ll catch up later, yeah?”“Yeah.” I said, before I heard a click! And the call disconnected. 
In the dim lighting of the morning, two bodies were skin to skin under sheets.

The heat sparked into electricity from sweat and rhythm. With weak knees and sore legs, she took him in as their two souls became one, for split seconds at a time.

The curtains weren’t open yet. Soft rays of sun burned spots into their bodies, something Charlie barely felt while he pleased her. Hands found every inch there was to be felt, breaths drew deeply from their lungs and let out into the air.
I was anxious when I walked into the hospital. They were the type of nerves to burst at the seams of excitement and wonder. My palms were clammy and my heart jumpy.I’d been waiting for ages.
Charlie’s hand ran from its place on her neck down to where their bodies connected. He listened to her song, her vocal cords stringing together noises that sounded like music to his ears.

Her scent spread out onto his sheets until there wasn’t a spot that didn’t smell like her. He was high off of it.
I laid down onto the seat. The gel was cold on my stomach and sent a tickly feeling across my skin.“Excited?”  My doctor smiled down at me warmly as she readied her device.I nodded and swallowed the nervous feeling away, wishing I had someone to hold my hand.Charlie crossed my mind briefly.The device finally made contact with my skin, and I turned my head to see the monitor. I had seen my baby before, but seeing them grow bigger by each passing week made me emotional in a way that words couldn’t explain.
The strings of pleasure that rubbed together severed by the heat were about to snap. They drank it in, the warmth, humidity, each other. Charlie handled her body like it was a prize. Gently but passionately, with fire in his heart and love spilling from his fingertips.
“It’s a girl.” My doctor said joyfully and turned to me to watch my reaction.My bottom lip quivered and my hand clasped around my mouth.It was a girl. My daughter.
My wonderful daughter.
The pools of salt that dripped down from my eyes were happy tears. My heart swelled, my soul opening up to the being I was blessed to carry with me; my beautiful baby girl.The monitor was blurry through my tear-filled eyes, my gaze fixed on the black and white image that was displayed on it.
He felt her body crumble under his touch. He talked her through it, and watched the shaking of her legs, the stars in her eyes when she reached her peak.

I crossed his mind briefly.

The image lingered in his mind as he followed after her.
When I stepped outside into the sun, I watched the passersby. Nobody knew I just heard the news. What seemed like my whole world, was unknown to anybody else. It was an odd feeling. I wanted everybody to know, whether they cared or not.Everything seemed a lot more real in that moment. And which each new thing, I felt a little more fulfilled. My child was putting my heart back together without knowing it. Upon feeling an intense craving, after my visit at the hospital I stopped by the supermarket first.I walked through an aisle, and then another when I saw familiar blonde hair in the corner of my eye. I walked a couple steps closer when I realized who it was.“Sara?” I smiled as she turned to me and broke into a wide grin.She pulled me into a hug, and a whiff of familiar cologne filled my nose.“Sadie! How’s the baby?” She grabbed both of my hands excitedly and looked at my bump in awe. I’d told her about it couple of weeks prior, new which she was ecstatic to hear about.“She’s               doing really good.” Saying the word ‘she’ filled me with joy I couldn’t describe.“She?” Her mouth fell open in surprise.I nodded excitedly, unable to contain my smile.Behind us, I heard the voice I’d recognize from miles away.“Hey, I found the...”I turned around to see two green eyes staring right into mine.“Charlie.”“Sadie.” He said guiltily. That was when the wheels started turning.I looked back at Sara, my smile long gone.“It’s a girl! Have you heard?” Sara beamed at him, but Charlie didn’t meet her eyes.His gaze softened. His was ridden with surprise, his lips slightly parted.“When did you hear the news?” She asked me obliviously.“Just this morning.” I said flatly.Charlie’s throat closed up. She called me... He realized. She wanted me there and I was too busy fucking.I didn’t say a word.So you two are together? I searched his eyes, knowing I didn’t need to ask.He swallowed thickly. Yes.“I have to go.” I pushed past him, my shoulder bumping against his. I felt his eyes on me all the way until I walked out the door.For a good minute, Sara and Charlie were silent.“What was that?” She stepped into his field of vision. She could tell something was going on.He didn’t know what to say. How to explain what he felt.Charlie liked Sara; he was convinced he did. He knew that I didn’t care if he did. Right?Was he wrong about me all this time? He thought he’d read the signs, when I kissed Hayden that night, when I avoided him that time in the kitchen.He felt the remorse deep in his chest. He wasn’t showing up for me the way he promised. He was taking care of somebody else. He realized that he failed me that day.He promised."Charlie?” Sara’s tone had turned serious while she scanned his face.His eyes were still glued to the door. “I don’t-”“I don’t know.” I stumbled to my car, suddenly feeling sick.The clouds were drawn together. A shade pulled over the sky like a blanket, the drops rolling down my body. First one, then a few, until my clothes were littered with wet spots.I pulled open my car door harshly, sat down and curled up into a ball.The first sob racked through my body with a shock of pain. I wiped away my tears frustratedly but they wouldn’t stop coming.I felt betrayed.Had he not read me at all? When I looked at him, did he not see what I felt? When I let him in and I let him hold me until I fell asleep, and he touched me like he did?I would’ve let him kiss me that night.I swore I would’ve.In my heart I had no place to judge Sara. She was beautiful; she had eyes that shone and a genuine soul. She couldn’t have known.I don’t understand. I thought to myself. What takes me out of the categories of a committed relationship? Of marriage? The seams of my heart were ripping, one by one.Did Charlie no longer wish to help me like he said?I watched my tears fall down onto my belly and roll down over it. A sad laugh escaped me.“I have you, angel.” I whispered.“I have you.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

20 weeks
At the end of every week came the task I loathed most; groceries.Though my joints didn’t hurt as much as a month before, I found myself struggling with the weight of my bags when I carried them to the back of my car.When I heard someone call out behind me, I initially didn’t think it was for me.“Stop! Wait!”A woman came up from behind me and took the bag out of my hands and loaded it in for me.The feeling of the weight being taken away took off some of the tension in my shoulders.“Thank you.” I breathed gratefully, as I watched her carry my things.“Don’t worry about it.” I guessed her age to be around forty. “I used to be justlike you, young and stubborn. You should really let your man do this.”I laughed joylessly. “I don’t have anybody around, I’m afraid.”She looked at me with a saddened expression. “Oh dear, I’m so sorry.”I shrugged.“I mean...” I began, “I do, but it’s complicated.”Her eyebrows furrowed; her eyes still fixed on the last bag she was helping me carry.“Complicated how?”I didn’t mean to tell her the whole story, it just kind of came out. I told her about Cole, the party and finding out I was pregnant, and eventually about Charlie, the ultrasound, and Sara.“But he’s- he’s in a relationship now. He still helps me; I can tell he’s really trying harder after...” I thought back to when I found out my baby was a girl. “Yeah, I don’t know.”“It’s just weird between us now. And I don’t want to bother him all the time, so I guess I am just stubborn.” I contemplated whether I said too much and scared her off, but instead of a weird look she gave me an understanding one.“Sounds like miscommunication.” She said ponderingly, with her head tilted and a smile tugging at her lips sympathetically. I hadn’t really thought of it like that yet.“I don’t know what to do.” I said, helplessly.She pursed her lips. Perhaps she was as lost as I was.“Let him come to you.” She said, “And if he doesn’t, then it wasn’t meant to be.”I mulled over her words for a minute. “Thank you, for helping me.” I said sincerely, and she nodded at me as to say, ‘no problem.’I came back home shortly after only to fall into a familiar spiral of overthinking. I felt heavy. Physically and mentally. It was already a large toll on my back to carry the baby, though I wasn’t sure that compared to what was on my mind. I needed to get my priorities straight, but his voice was in my head. Hours were passing by fast while I was stuck in my bed, trapped in my mind.My thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell.I suspected a package, I hoped for Charlie, but when I opened the door, I stood face to face with the last person I expected.Cole.I didn’t let him in, instead I stepped outside and crossed my arms. Once I’d neared him, he reeked of alcohol, and the unbearable smell made me sick.“Hey.” He spoke sleazily.“Why are you here?” My anxious heartbeat was in my throat, and banged in my head. He took offense to my hostile tone, but digressed.“Came...” He slurred, “I came here for you.”I couldn’t believe him.“Cole it’s been four months.”“I miss you.”“I doubt that.” I snapped back.He ignored me. “Listen. I’m sorry. I’m really-” He inhaled, “Really sorry for the way I hurt you.”He was tugging at my heartstrings. I hated it. “Cole...”“I can’t stand the thought of leaving you to be a single mother.” He said it like he meant it.It was exactly what I wanted to hear from him, at least wanted to, and that was why I was suspicious.“You’re drunk.” I peeled his hands off of my wrists, and took half a step back.“I- I-” He stuttered. “Sadie. I need you.”His eyebrows were drawn together and his deep brown eyes darted across my face for any type of answer. I couldn’t tell what he was desperate for. Affection? Sex? Did the new girl decide he wasn’t worth her time and that was why he came to my doorstep begging?“Why now?” I said exasperatedly.Whatever explanation he gave me after that fell to deaf ears, because suddenly, I felt a sudden movement in my stomach and figured that my baby was kicking again. It wasn’t the most painful, though the sudden awareness in the area made my instincts devote my full attention to it as I looked down and cupped my stomach, staggering backwards.“Sadie? Sadie!” I heard Cole call my name distantly after he’d jumbled all his words.Then, he touched me.I didn’t notice he had come that close, but when his hand laid down on my stomach it scared me. He was drunk, and my intuition was screaming telling me I couldn’t trust him.Instinctively I shoved him back. Cole was intoxicated enough for the push to nearly send him to the ground.“What the fuck?” He was yelling now, and I started to become genuinely terrified.I upset him.“Don’t fucking touch me.” I seethed and inched backwards when I watched him near me again.‘Sadie...” He took on a dangerous tone, which made my stomach turn.“Stop it. You’re scaring me-”Everything happened in a matter of seconds. It went so fast, yet so slow at the same time.He reeled back as his shoulder was forcibly turned, then gasped.Charlie sent his fist straight into Cole’s nose.His body tumbled to the ground drunkenly but was soon stood up again as Charlie took the fabric of his sweater into his hands and lifted him off the floor. He didn’t beat him any further, instead he dragged him out onto the street and pushed him away from himself.Cole didn’t hit back, instead he tried to find his footing again, shakily so. He came face to face with him with his chest heaving in anger.“Get the fuck out of my face.” Charlie spat.Cole realized he wouldn’t win the fight, so instead he grunted, giving him one last look before he held nose as he turned and stumbled down the street like a dog, the glistening blood on his nose illuminated by streetlights.When Charlie looked back at my frozen figure, the frown in his eyes disappeared. He was scared that I’d back away from him, that I’d be scared.However, when he carefully approached me and called my name, I stepped towards him and let him take me into his arms.“What happened?” He murmured into my shoulder gently and remained mindful of how hard he pressed against my stomach. “Tell me what happened.”My sentences were a mess, “He- He touched me and I-” I was so fucking angry, so cross that the words wouldn’t come out; simultaneously so relieved that Charlie came by when I really, really needed him. Like he knew that something was wrong.“Touched you how?” He asked concernedly, “Did he hurt you?”“No, he just touched my stomach and didn’t even ask. I felt like...” I searched for the right words, “That he was going to hurt her, or something.”He nodded and gritted his teeth firmly. “I’m so sorry, Sadie.”Unlike Cole, I let Charlie in.We’d just entered my living room when I felt another movement. I inhaled sharply and traced along where I felt it. In the corner of my eye, I saw that Charlie had noticed it.I took his hand into mine and put it carefully on my belly. His touch was featherlight when his calloused hand melted into my skin like a warm blanket.He felt a tiny kick against his hand, that made his eyebrows draw together and look into my eyes with awe.“That’s her?” He almost whispered.I nodded. “Yeah, that’s her.”There was a tug at the corners of his mouth while he gazed at me with wonder.“If you put your ear against it, you might hear her.” I told him, and realized how fulfilling it was to share these things I’d been experiencing on my own.Charlie held my eyes while he slid to the ground onto his knees. When he pressed his ear against me, and listened to the muffled sounds, his hand subconsciously slid to the other side into an embrace.I didn’t feel uncomfortable or scared when he did that. I simply watched him cherish it.Then, I noticed the cuts on his bruised knuckles.“Charlie...”I felt his hum through my entire body.“Your hand.” My voice was laced with worry.“It’s okay.”“No, it’s not. At least let me give you something.”After another minute or two of standing there with him, I helped him disinfect and went to put a handful of ice cubes into a towel. I handed it to him while we sat down on my couch. He hissed when the sting of rubbing alcohol hit his fresh bruises yet held no regret.I’d brought my legs up as I sat sideways. I watched Charlie, watched his chest rise and fall with each breath he took.“Sadie.” He said seriously when he pressed the ice to his hand and laid his head back.“Yeah?” I responded carefully. What was he getting at?I watched him try to find the words, and every time his lips parted, he stopped himself and bit down onto his lip. He brought a hand over his face and squinted, then took it through his hair.Now I was really curious as to what he had to say.Truth was, the guilt was killing him. He knew what he yearned for, he knew it so clearly, more than ever before. Getting with Sara made everything so complex. He liked her, her optimism, her laugh, her eyes. It had made sense to him, then. He never wanted to bring her in between him and I, he didn’t think it would happen.Charlie thought back to when he watched me realize they were together. The look in my eyes told him there was something there, that perhaps, he’d made the wrong choice.He liked Sara, but he often wondered whether he liked her more as a friend. He never wanted to lead her on, and now, he’d made it complicated; but he knew what he wanted.He knew exactly what he wanted.“Can we talk?”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Two days later
The sky was black as obsidian. The pavement reflected the stars back up into the sky, shimmering in moist.Words were exchanged. Feelings were sent out into the air and left to linger for seconds at a time. Between understanding and misunderstanding, Sara and Charlie caught themselves in a late-night talk, a heavy, sorrowful one.“I can’t give you what you deserve.” He said regretfully.She understood.“I’ve been lying to myself, and I don’t want to do that to you.” Charlie spoke sincerely and prayed to God he was making the right decisions.“I know.”“I’m sorry.” He said.“Charlie, you need to go after her.”“What?”“Sadie.”He fell quiet.“She needs you.” Sara found it hard to admit. “I don’t think I was yours to begin with, and I can’t say I’ve been putting in the effort I should’ve.” Despite her understanding, she let tears roll down her cheeks. She should’ve known, she thought to herself.“Sara... I’m sorry. I really am.” He said sincerely.She smiled. “I know.”Charlie wasn’t the only one who had something weighing on his heart.Sara had the nasty feeling that she was overstepping a line when she started going out with him. She wasn’t entirely oblivious to what was going on between me and him, but she knew that he wouldn’t have left me had there really been something there.Though that did turn out to be the case, she also knew that Charlie was an idiot sometimes.She didn’t want to try and continue something that wasn’t there. She had a space in her heart for him, next to all the other people in her life.She loved me, too. A lot. Even if I wasn’t aware of it.“I’d like to be your friend. If you’d still have me.” Charlie said almost innocently, which made her smile.“We can be friends.” She nodded tearfully, then wiped away the salty streaks hastily.When they hugged each other, deciding to end it on good terms instead of burying resentment, Sara whispered in his ear.“Go after her Charlie.” She repeated to him, setting aside her own needs for mine, an action I wasn’t aware of but I’d have garnered immense respect for, had I known.“I think she’s worth it.”Oblivious of the talk Sara and Charlie were having, I laid in bed with my lights off while I replayed our last conversation.He’d told me we needed to talk, and before I could ask about what the apologies spilled from his lips. I listened as he poured his heart out about how he cared, and didn’t want me to think his feelings towards me were nonchalant.He’d told me he cared about her. The life that hadn’t seen the world yet, the life that had been growing inside of me.Throughout the conversation I lost track of how many times he said ‘sorry.’ It was different from Cole. I saw it in him, his eyes, his tense hands; the things he had on his conscience drove him insane.I had told him that he hurt me. I didn’t bring up Sara, neither did he.He should’ve called back that Friday. He shouldn’t have forgotten something like that.
“I’ll make it up to you.”
I wasn’t sure I believed him.We had spent a full day not talking after that. Then another. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to speak, to see each other, there was simply so much to say that we didn’t know where to start. However, when he walked home through the rain after he’d parted ways with Sara, he knew he’d made his choice and grew confident that it was the right one. Charlie dropped everything when he had gotten my call the next day.I was laying in my bed after work for an hour before I’d gotten up. I was fatigued and had a strange feeling in my gut. I shrugged it off at first, but my mind was telling me something was off.With two hands, I had sat up and planted my feet on the floor. Every movement was so much more tiring than it used to be.I wasn’t who I used to be.Once I’d successfully lifted myself up out of bed, I spotted something in the corner of my eye. It was a deep red stain that had sunk into my sheets, the size abnormally large.I blinked.I looked down.When it finally sunk in what was in front of me, and I witnessed the beads of blood roll down my legs, I covered my mouth stop myself from throwing up. I hadn’t started crying yet and was still in pure shock as I found my phone shakily and dialed his number.Charlie picked up almost immediately, but the words died in my throat.“Hey, you okay?” He asked casually.Upon not hearing a response, he started to get worried.“Sadie? Are you okay?” He pressed.“Take...” I breathed. “You need to take me to the hospital.”Charlie felt his heart drop. “I’m coming. Please tell me you’re okay.” He said while he slid his keys off his counter and made for his car.“I don’t know.” My eyes were stuck on the white fabric that was stained scarlet. It was such a stark contrast. It barely even looked real, it didn’t even feel real, either. More like a nightmare.“I’m coming, okay?” He fumbled his keys while he tried to find the right one and jammed it in. “Stay on the phone with me.”Charlie made the fifteen-minute drive in just five.It was 8PM, and the late summer sky was starting to fade into darkness when he helped me into his car. The streetlights whizzed by while he sped down the street to the hospital. I hadn’t said anything yet, but he saw the blood on my clothes. It was tearing him to pieces.When the first whimper escaped my lips, he crumbled completely.I was sobbing uncontrollably and staring straight ahead of me. Subconsciously I tapped my fingers on my belly, in hopes that she’d move around, even just a little bit, so I knew she was still there. Charlie recognized the rhythm. It was the same as that night when he held me through my tears. He noticed that I wasn’t humming, like I usually would. It scared him.Los Angeles traffic was horrible. It always was.He wanted to bang his head against his steering wheel. He couldn’t stand hearing me cry with no way to comfort me.I was borderline hyperventilating and felt my fears become less and less rational. I’d heard others describe what having a miscarriage felt like, but words couldn’t do it justice. It was all falling apart, right in front of me, and I had no power to stop it.Everything was moving too slow, though eventually, I was laid in the hospital bed, waiting for my results.Charlie had found my hand and traced along the crevices in my palm.There was no way to tell if it was a miscarriage yet. I went through a blood test, but nearly passed out through the middle of it. It was the combination of blood being drawn and the sickening feeling of fear. Because of it, they deemed it safer for me to lay down."Can you distract me?” I said to him softly. It was the first thing I’d said in ten minutes.He nodded.“I uhm... I talked to Sara last night.” He said while he drew circles on my hand with his thumb.I moved my head to look at him.“We broke it off. It was more like a mutual decision, really. Felt right.” He concluded and smiled at me warmly. “She cares about you a lot, you know?” He said to me sincerely, and I felt the ghost of her warm embrace against my skin.My lips tugged into a sad attempt at a smile.I was so scared. Scared of losing my child. I didn’t think I’d ever forgive myself, even if it wasn’t at all my fault. It felt like my heart was being ripped out, and I was left out to dry. I hadn’t even noticed the trembling of my hands, until Charlie enveloped them with his to calm me down.The anxiety was eating me alive. I couldn’t imagine how I would go on from something like this. I wanted it all to be a dream; a very bad dream.What felt like an eternity was probably another ten minutes before the doctor walked in.When he did, I immediately shot up.Crow's feet tugged at the ends of his eyes when he grinned down at me, and my lips parted slightly.“I have good news for you.” He was an older man, with the kindest eyes.‘The baby is very healthy, and we have no signs of miscarriage.”The world stopped.The lights beamed down on me, eyes were on me, and for those seconds in which I realized what he’d just told me, I was the happiest woman alive.She was okay. I repeated it in my head over and over. I felt the joyful tears slide down my cheeks, and the weight of the world roll off of my shoulders. It was a feeling I was sure I wouldn’t forget.“You’re sure?” I heard Charlie ask next to me.“We are.” He then digressed, “We suspect that it’s marginal Placenta Previa. We’ll do an ultrasound, which should give us a pretty clear view as to why you’re bleeding.” He explained to me before he disappeared into the hallway again, only to come back soon after.The process didn’t take long, and it turned out his guess was right. My placenta was unfortunately positioned at the edge of my cervix; however, the issue would most likely resolve before my due date.During the ultrasound, Charlie admired the picture of my girl on the monitor. It was his first time seeing her.It was so beautiful.
She was so beautiful.
I watched his eyes fill with wonder. I imagined him holding her, playing with her. Taking her to school on her first day, teach her the important lessons of life. Such an odd thought to have about your friend, but he wasn’t like most. Even if he wasn’t aware of it.My life was changing, and I watched it quietly as the vines of my love grew onto my daughter, and bloomed at her tiny fingertips. I accepted the change, and wondered if this was the feeling my mother had when she carried me.I didn’t think I’d really felt love like that until I was given my daughter; and I was deeply grateful for it.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

22 weeks along
I hadn’t seen Charlie in a bit, not since the hospital incident. I needed my time to process it, and found myself far more exhausted than I already was.After putting it off for days, I caved in and texted him about my apartment.
Would u mind helping me at home pls

18:02

My back is fucking killing me

18:02

Charlie

I’m on the way.

18:29
Knowing he’d drive too fast, and I had about ten minutes to make myself look at least alive; I made for my bathroom.I wanted to look good for him. It was the underlying urge I had whenever I knew he’d see me. I’d be walking through my apartment with my clothes from the day before on with tangled hair, but the moment he’d tell me he was coming over I was stood in front of my mirror.The feeling was reminiscent of getting ready for going out; I liked it.I gave myself a last long look in the mirror before I shoved my things back in the drawer and searched for my keys when I heard my doorbell. Once I’d come face to face with my front door, I came to a halt.I was nervous. Not just a little bit. Very.Were my intentions obvious? Are we on the same page?Charlie looked a little too good for my wellbeing. I found myself speechless for a bit. He’d done something with his hair, which made it look so soft I almost reached for it. I smelled the aftershave on him and smiled.“I missed you.” He had this hint in his eye that made my knees weak.I caught my bottom lip between my teeth, but my smile still peeked through.I stepped towards him. My hands found his chest and slid up and over his shoulders when I pulled him in. “I missed you, too.”He pressed a soft kiss to the side of my head before he let me go.“I was thinking,” I said when he followed me in, “We should cook together again. Unless you’ve eaten of course-”“No, I’d love to.” He said sincerely.I hadn’t asked him to, but Charlie started packing in my dishwasher and cleaned the counters, so that I could sit and watch him. It made me think of the last time we were together like that; this, however, felt a little different.There was something in the air. It was thick, and suffocating. I was dizzy from it, couldn’t think straight.After he finished cleaning (which he assured me wasn’t a problem, and that he was happy to have a purpose) we decided to order food instead, seeing as my fridge was unsurprisingly empty.The sky was getting darker, and my thoughts were wandering. I noticed that happened a lot when we were together.“How’s your back?” He asked me while drying off his hands.I sighed. “Not great. I get heavier every day.” He picked up on the hint of self-deprecation in my tone, and it hurt him.“Can I try something?”I wasn’t sure what he was getting at, but his tone of voice sent chills from my spine to my neck.Soundlessly, I nodded. He crept closer to me.“Turn around.” Charlie rasped.I wished he’d stop looking at me like that. I couldn’t keep my focus anymore.I turned my back to him and gave into the feeling of his hands finding my waist. He slowly let his hands drop down to the sides of my belly and then under it, then lifted it up, just enough to carry the weight.I’d almost forgotten what I felt like without it.I exhaled as my head fell back against his shoulder with my eyes closed.“That feel good?” He asked softly.I hummed in response.“Can we stay like this? For a bit?” I pleaded.I felt his chest rumble against my back when he chuckled. “Of course.”“I like those shorts on you.” He whispered into my ear a moment later, and I could’ve sworn he moved an inch closer, his chest now flush against my back.My choice of shorts was very intentional. They didn’t leave much to the imagination, and I’d felt his eyes on it the moment I turned to let him in before. I wished he’d slip them off, if I were to be completely honest.“Yeah?” I said, hoping he wouldn’t hear the blush in my voice.“Mhm.” He moved closer to my ear, “You should wear them more often.”My head was spinning, and it was becoming progressively harder to stay on my feet.“You’re beautiful, Sadie.” Charlie thought out loud.I wished that I believed him. My self-esteem was horrible. I could only think of that party, when Cole walked in with someone new. I thought of Sara as well, on occasion. It was horrible of me, to compare myself. There’s a reason you weren’t their first choice. The voice in my head echoed in the distance.I didn’t know how to respond, and instead I laughed at him.“You’re so beautiful.”I didn’t believe him.“You should see what I see.” He continued after my lack of response, murmuring these sweet words into my neck over and over in hoped that they would get through to me.His words didn’t land the way he meant them to, and I started to grow frustrated. Like I was being lied to.“You don’t have to say that.” I said softly.Charlie was caught off guard. He’d retracted his hands carefully and blinked at me.I turned around to face him. “It’s okay.”“Sadie, I mean it.” He said sincerely. My kitchen lights glimmered against his eyes, and I saw the flash of hurt.“Yeah.” I responded.I hated that I said that; any of it. In my head I was screaming at myself to get my shit straight, but the countless nights replayed in my head. Those where I couldn’t even look at myself. When I couldn’t stand myself.“Why are you being like this?” He grew exasperated.I scoffed. “Why am I- Are you fucking serious?” I was taking it out on him. My pain, which he caused me when he was fucking her. He saw it; read it in my expression.“Sadie, I’m sorry. I said I was sorry.” Charlie barely noticed he’d raised his voice at me. He needed me to understand him, his sincerity.“Yeah, but you knew Charlie. You knew I needed you.” I pointed my finger at him, “You knew that I-”
That I wanted you.
“You had me fucked up Sadie! Acting like you didn’t. You...” He couldn’t believe himself for asking it, “Why him?”Then he had me confused.“What are you even talking about?” I frowned at him; my lips parted. We were saying so little, yet so much. Everything that we’d been keeping inside, it was coming to light.“That guy. At that party.” Hayden.‘Sounds like miscommunication.’ The woman’s words went through my head, the one that helped me carry my bags. I was starting to understand what she meant.“I-”He sighed, and looked at me meaningfully, there was so much in his eyes, so much pain, unwanted distance, desire.“I didn’t know what I was doing. I really didn’t. But you-”“I want you, Sadie.” Charlie let the words slip out.I stilled.“I want you.”Something crumbled. The wall that stood tall between us, it shattered and dissipated like ashes in the wind.“Charlie...” I swallowed hard. I searched his eyes for a lie but found only genuineness.The gap between us was closing. We were so close; I could feel his breath fan my face.His eyes flickered down, to my lips.The distance between us became smaller then, until there was nearly nothing left. His forehead rested against mine, and the familiar feeling of his lips brushing mine made my heartbeat quicken.That was when the shrill sound of the doorbell rang though the apartment, and there was a gap between us again.I watched him clench his teeth and make for the door. I feared that we’d lost the moment, the connection. I bit my inner cheek. I never wanted it to be like this. I knew what I wanted, and not having that felt like shortness of breath, like I was dying.“Thanks man.” I heard him say to the delivery guy, and he paid him.I stood in the kitchen still, unable to move. My thoughts were incoherent.Charlie turned around, set the food down on my table.He came back up to me.Then, he kissed me.The feeling of his lips on mine sent sparks throughout my body, and my knees went weak. I was stunned at first, then my hand flung into his hair as I pulled him closer.His hands slid under my legs when he lifted me up, like I weighed nothing, then set me down on the counter. I hooked my legs around him and brought him closer, to where I needed him. The room was becoming unbearably hot. My skin was clammy, and the room was filled by the sound of us.Charlie pulled away.He looked at me and he sank down onto his knees. The sight was unholy; it was making me go crazy.“Let me make it up to you.”He said the same words as before, and I started to wonder whether he meant this when he’d said it back then. I let him.