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It goes to show that I've lost control
Dragging myself through the dirt
To be secure I have to obey
The world just likes me mad that's not okay
GGGOLDDD – Old habits [PTSD version]
Everything is crossing his mind at the same time. A life on the sea taught him to take on a storm. But this one’s different. There is no sail to handle the wind, no anchor to root him here, no ruddler to maintain the direction. No. Only every pain of his life tearing his mind up relentlessly. No time to catch his breath. No place to hide. Only pain.
Killian does not even have time to identify any of this. The memories are just slamming his conscience one after the other. He can hear his voice screaming on top of the whirlwind but the pain is so intense he can not feel the sound coming out of his mouth. Which is more than a relief considering how every picture every memory every feeling are just ripped from his very bones. Please don’t add to it. No more. He would beg for this to end but no one is here to hear him. Outside from the ocean itself, he never prayed to any god. Now feels like a great place to start… Any god. Just make it stop.He remembers…
His father selling him and his brother before sailing away.
His new son named after Liam, as if it was just this, a simple name you could reuse.
And the blood on his band
The abandonment
The loneliness at sea
With no one but Liam
To whom he was nothing but a burden
The taste of rum to try and fill the void
Gambling to fill whatever the rum left out
Liam dying in his arms in allegiance to a king who could not care less for them
The loneliness again
But only worse
Pillage and killing and rum and fucking around just to fill the void
Then Milah
And finally the void kept quiet
for a while
and Milah died
No
He killed her
Crushed her heart on his deck
Her too died on his arms
Does everyone he loves have to die in his arms ?
The rage
The rage filled the void
Not enough rum in the world to suck up the pain of abandonment
Loneliness clutching its claws in his heart again
Not
Enough
Rum
Rage it is
Vengeance
To fill the void
The rage grew bigger
The world grew smaller
Until Emma, when his heart started working again
Something in the void was still alive, still beating
Something behind the rage
And the loneliness
And the abandonment
But He was still alive
That damned Crocodile
He knew he should have killed him
He missed his chance
He failed
And the Crocodile bite him back
Turned him against the woman he loved
Again
This time crushing his own heart to destroy her
Back to being powerless
Back to being a burden his loved ones have to move around, cleaning after his mess because he keeps on failing them
Even now
He tried his best to help Emma
Why did he have to get hurt ?
Why did she do that ?
He said no
He begged
Why did she do that to him ?
Betrayed him
Abandoned him to the darkness and now
Now the void is crawling in his guts
And there is still not enough rum in the world
But now
There’s dark magicAnd a bloody Crocodile smiling at himWhen the pain stops, it’s like reaching the eye of the storm. Finally. Only problem : Killian was hoping for better than Rumpelstiltskin smiling at him. Not really his definition of relief. As the pain is slowly fading away, a last burst of rage finds its way through his body. He feels the movement before he can think of it. Killian jumps, hook first, waving his hand in an old reflex to try and kill that bloody crocodile. Of course, it doesn’t work. It never did. He must be really stupid to keep trying to do that… He remembers now, how it feels to see his whole world shrink to this simple idea : kill the Crocodile so that his world could grew back to its former size. He used to have the whole seas as his garden… Deeply, all he wants is to go back there. Meanwhile, all he does is just waving his hook at the Crocodile. Worst. Not even the Crocodile. Just his shadow, his ghost…“Not gonna work deary.
_I know I know, all the dark ones in my head, I know that. Spare me the details. Speak all you want, I’m not listening !
_Yes you are ! You’ve been listening for years.”Centuries even.“Maybe. But who count this point ? I mean, you and I go way back, friend.
_Don’t you dare call me that !
_And why not ? We both saw people come and go, we know each other like the back of your remaning hand, we have the same taste in women and now I’m living in your head, ready to help you get what you truly want.
_Oh, is that so ? And what’s that ?
_Well, kill me of coure ! Isn’t that what friends do for each other ? Dying so the other can have happy life ?”Killian does not want to listen. Rumple’s voice right now sounds like a siren’s song. Not that it is in any way pleasant or engaging, but because the captain knows for sure that if he listens, he will just sail to his doom. How does one block the sound coming from inside their own head? The tide is rising inside, he can feel it. If he listens for just a second, he’ll throw himself in the rocks. He knows that. But the void inside is already crawling its own way inside the cracks. And the voice knows that… So he keeps going, he keeps fighting against the quicksand.“With my help, and with your new powers… You would finally have a real chance of success !
_No, no you’re lying. There’s no way I can get my revenge while I’m here and Gold’s in Storybrooke.
_Oh you know, there’s a way.
_No. No dark curse. Crushing the heart of the one I love most ? No thank you.
_Oh it’s not that hard. Remember ? Back then I did it just to teach you a lesson.”The screams tears his throat apart as he’s jumping ahead, hook first, once more. Once more, Rumple’s ghost vanishes before he can ever scratch it. The voice gloats and laughs at him. Killian can see it in his eyes: it is way too easy and he’s not doing such a great job at resisting the darkness… Old habits die hard…“I will not crush Emma’s heart.
_Why not ? She did just crush yours. Didn’t she.”
Just like that the cracks grow bigger. She did cross a line and Killian doesn’t know what to do with that feeling…

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And sometimes it sails by the windSometimes it sails by the starsSometimes it sails by the captain's mapBut it will never sail me into your armsAgain, again, again
The Jane Austen Argument – Song of a siren
“Killian ! Finally I find you! It worked !”                Emma stands in the exact spot where just a few seconds earlier, Rumple was chanting that horrible mermaid song of his… Usually the blond cascade was enough to warm his heart from anything. But not now. Right now Emma wears that brand new aura of threat. It’s not only about her look. Sure, you can see how the darkness has finally pierced through her. There is something. Something beyond the eyes. It’s not how she looks. Now, Killian knows she can betray him in the worst possible way she could find. And that’s a threat he’s not sure he can defeat.“What worked ?_You’re alive!”He hates that she’s happy right now. How could she be happy? Happy when he’s in so much pain? When all the misery of his life is filling up the cracks? When the void is screaming in his mind? When this whirlwind is coming closer and only waits for him to lower his guard? How the hell can she be happy seeing him like this?“Oh yes, I am. And what a life! If your plan was to open the floor under my feet so I could fall in hell, congratulations Emma, mission accomplished!_I’m sorry, I just couldn’t lose you… I had no choice._What about me? What choice did I have? Why didn’t my choice matter ?_I…_What ? What now?”Something is burning deep down. He’s not used to yell at her. He hates that, but he can’t stop. The words are running through his mouth before they even cross his mind.“Where’s Excalibur ? Where’s my bloody new leach?_It’s.. it’s gone. Vanished at the second you did._How convenient._It’s not as if there was a written guideline I could follow !_Yeah, no cookbook for a handmade Dark One I guess. So not only did you turn me into a bloody dark one, but you also lost the only thing that could destroy me. Brilliant Emma ! This is bloody brilliant !_I’m sorry… but I’m here now…_And that’s the problem !”                               Emma’s opening her mouth again. She’s going to talk. Again. She’s going to apologise. Again. And He can’t. He just can’t. But it’s Emma. It’s still Emma. The woman he loves. The woman who gives him the strength to crawl out of the darkness where he buried himself centuries ago..                … and who just threw him back in it as if it were nothing.                That’s why at this very second, he just can’t. He still can’t wrap his mind around this fact. He needs time to understand that it’s his new reality. This time, Killian does not jump hook first. He just waves his hand… and magically vanishes. He doesn’t even care where he appears. He screams again, just to release the pressure. It’s boiling inside. This feels terrible.“Still doesn’t want to crush her heart?_SHUT UP.”                Of course Rumple’s ghost is already back to his mermaid’s song. Of course. Why the hell is everyone dumping on him? Can’t he have just one minute to fall back on his feet? Is that too much to ask?“Look how you’re already using dark magic! Aren’t you proud? Not everyone can embrace the darkness that efficiently!_Wonderful news… don’t you have something more useful to tell me?_Yes, maybe we should talk about this dark curse of yours?_Are you deaf? Can hallucinations be deaf? Because I already said no to this. And I am not changing my mind._Oh but I think you are…”He doesn’t get it. Yes, he’s as angry as one can be at Emma for what she did to him. But he is also completely sure that he will not crush her heart. So what does the imp mean? XXX                 Left alone, Emma is unsure of what to do next. She knows it was a bad idea. Everyone told her. But there was no other path. Losing Killian was not an option. She couldn’t let fate kills all her lovers. And in a way… she chose life, didn’t she? She can’t admit, even to herself, that she crossed a line. She was so sure Killian would understand, he always does. But at this moment, all she saw in him was anger and hate. Her determination flinched. He raised his voice and suddenly everything that was so sure was now blurry.                Now Hook has left and she is just petrified, alone in the enchanted forest. She did all that for him and the first thing she did was lie to him, the man she loves and for whom she fully embraced the darkness in hope to save him. It’s too late for regret, too late to changer her mind. She made up her mind, now she has to stick up to her decision. This time, she has to be the strong one. This time, she will be the one pulling them up. Just like he did for her. Together, they will find a third way and defeat the darkness in both of them.“So we keep on going._Yes we are. I will not back down now just because it gets a bit difficult._He doesn’t seem to think of it that way._It doesn’t matter. I did that to him, and I’ll be there for him._Well, for that you’ll have to find him first. Fortunately you have just an easy way to do so !”Damn Rumpelstiltskin… She has a way. She has Excalibur. She could just summon him. That would be easy. Easy, quick and painless. But that smile on Rumple’s face… That would be one more nail in their coffin.“Ha yes. I guess he would understand how you lied to him first._It was to protect him. From himself._Can’t wait to see you tell him that. Should be fun !”Emma bites her lips. She hates that. And she hates that she doesn’t really have a choice. Once more. But this time, if she does it, and she does it right, it will fix her previous mistake. Or so she hopes. Yet, she still has to decide. Act. XXX                 Killian is still fighting with the Crocodile’s shadow. He hates that the imp doesn’t clearly say what he has in mind. Does he look like he has time for riddles? Not as if he has anywhere to go, anything to do. What is he supposed to do of his time ? What do dark ones do during their day? Except ruining everybody’s life… Rum, he should have rum. That’d be a good start. Can’t hurt anyway. Clears the mind. That’s what he needs right now. Peace of mind. As he paced around, he reached for the flask in his pocket. The captain barely has time for one sip before feeling the pull. A call. A call that shines in all his body. A call that does not need word. Except his name. And now, he can do nothing but answers it.                In a second, Killian has teleported himself to face the caller: Emma. Of course. At this point of non consent, why the bloody hell not summon him where she wants? What he didn’t expect was the army of whispers in his head, calling for him like a nail on a black board. It shrinks his mind, echoing in all his body.“Killian?”                Emma’s voice helps him focus. Like aiming toward the lighthouse… because she still is his lifeguard… but the newt second, he can see the sword in her hand. Excalibur. That’s where the whispers come from. She lied.“You had it…_Yes, I’m sorry Killian._You said you didn’t know where it was. You said it vanished, same as me._I didn’t know what to do_And everyone will know right? So ignoring my begging and then lying to me were you go-to solutions?_I just got… stuck into something bigger than me and I panicked. I’m sorry ok? Listen please._Oh so I’m supposed to listen to you when you didn’t give that curtesy?_You were dying, I wanted a future for us. I couldn’t let you go. And yes, I know, it was wrong of me and I’m sorry. But now, I want to make it right to you. I want to give you Excalibur. It’s yours. I trust you to decide your fate. Please, I swear I want to make it right to you.”                 Silence. None of them dares to speak. Emma did her plea as good as she can. Now she’s just holding Excalibur, waiting for him to take it. Killian is hesitating. On one side, he wants to trust her, he wants her to be right to think he can do it. On the other side, he knows he’s not. Every time in his life darkness showed up, he jumped into it. Killian knows he’s weak, except in Liam’s eyes… and in Emma’s. It’s weird, but if he doesn’t trust Emma on this, it feels like betraying Liam, letting him down for his misplaced trust all these years ago.                Finally, Killian moves his hand, reaching for the sword. His sword… It’s heavier than the one he’s used to. The whispers stop. They’re home now.“Thank you.”                Relief on both sides. They even smile at each other.“Killian, we can do it.”               The next second, they’re kissing. And it’s like before. It erases the pain and the resentment. True love kiss can really cure everything, can’t it?“So, what now?_Now… now I guess we go back to my family. I’m sure Merlin will know what to do.”

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I shall walk the valley, walk on blood and tears To find peace within the echoes around me.I shall walk the valley, retrace pain and grief Burn them down to ashes. Let the storm unleash.
Tvinna – Two staves
                               Behind Emma’s shoulder, Killian can see the Crocodile smiling, with that small threatening knows-it-all smirk. The captain knows something bad is coming, but can’t quite put his finger on it. So for now, he just nods and smiles back to Emma. She looks so sure, so confident that, indeed, Merlin will have a solution. Killian doesn’t feel so sure of that. It’s hard to remember exactly because… well he was busy dying. But even from where he was standing, or rather lying, Merlin seemed pretty sure that it was the Worst Idea Ever. Probably because he knows better than anyone that this pirate is not fit to carry such a burden. Surely he will not be thrilled to see them coming back as a couple of Dark Ones. No way Merlin gives them his blessing…                For now, Killian prefers to focus on Emma’s hand holding his, the warmth slowly rising through his arm. He still feels that the storm is coming. The water is raging somewhere. All he can do is holding on to Emma’s hand as if she could just save him from this. Trying to ignore that her too is prisoner of that storm…                They’re walking, hand in hand, kissing every once in a while, just like before, like nothing has changed. It feels so easy. Maybe it is easy. Maybe she’s right when she says it.“We can help each other. Just like you did for me. Remember? When we went riding?”                Maybe they can.“Except that I was able to ride the bloody horse. Now both of us are stuck on the floor because the horse is too scared of us._Maybe. But if we stay opened and honest to each other, we can defeat that. You taught me that.”                Did he? It seemed easier when he didn’t have to be opened about the darkness. There are still things she doesn’t know. Plus, it was so much easier when he could talk about all of this in the past. Now… it’s present again. It’s everywhere. How is he supposed to do with all of this?“And my family will help us. We’re not Gold, we’re not alone._He had Neal. It wasn’t enough…_It’s… different.”                     Doubt. Emma feels it in her voice. She wanted to be sure for the both of them. Telling him that they would have each other’s back, that holding each other’s hand would protect them. But love didn’t protect Gold.“He had Belle too. And it still wasn’t enough.”                She was afraid he would say that. The ultimate proof love wasn’t enough. Next second, she’s kissing him again. Just to stop words from coming out of his mouth. More kiss less word. And then she realises: that’s diversion again. She just told him they have to be open and honest! And she’s already looking for a loophole. What is she doing ? She has to keep them on track…“Belle !_What?_We can ask her about Gold, about how it is to love the Dark One, maybe she can help. Maybe more than Merlin. Because she knows what works and what didn’t and we can follow her path and learn from her!”                Enthusiasm is back. At least for her. Killian… not really. The sole idea of walking anywhere nearby the Crocodile’s path… it’s making him sick. So he’s struggling with asking help to Belle… But Emma seems so sure of herself and he doesn’t want to disappoint her. Not again. Not so soon… So… Killian smiles. And nods.“Yes. Let’s do that… let’s… ask the bookworm._We should go back to them now.”                Yeah. Go back to Emma’s family. Hard to be fully happy about that one. Even if things are better now with them, Killian still feels like an outside, not really one of them. He’s simply watching that ship sails away from afar. It might be best for her, she will be surrounded by people who love her. But he fears he will be seen as nothing but the next threat. He can’t really say that they’re wrong. Only this surely won’t help. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecy… But at least, one of them will be saved. He can still do that for her. XXX                 Back at Granny’s, time seems to have stopped. As his magic was stripped away from him, Merlin is still trying to catch his breathe. It’s a long road down memory lane that just opens to him. It’s been so long since he had no magic. His hands don’t tickle anymore and a deep sense of loneliness is suddenly running through his blood. His whole being has been disconnected from the flow of the world. How can he be so old and yet, still feels like he must learn how to walk through the world again?“You’re okay??”                Belle’s voice wakes him up. His mind stops slumbering and he tries to focus on her again.“Yes… it’s like being reborn.”                In a strange disturbing way… Centuries ago, he was ready to do this for Nimue. But Merlin had to change his plans when he realised what she did. And now… Now there are two Dark Ones, and Nimue has now two souls to tempt. It was hard enough for Emma… but how will Killian last against her when they share such a common history of loss? It’s hard thing to ask anyone…                Lost in his thoughts, Merlin doesn’t realise that he is stumbling. A slight sense of vertigo, the floor feels liquid, or maybe it’s his legs? Hands are helping him, guiding him toward a chair. Clearly, this will take him a bit longer that he first thought.“You’re not ok mister…”                Belle’s voice is even more concerned now, and a tiny bit authoritative. Maybe she’s right. Every single move, every single action feels new. Not that he used magic for everything, but the whole world is different now, just because he is. He used to want this, now, grief is eating everything around him. Except now is not the time. Merlin can feel the trembling room of the room. The Charmings are worried sick for their daughter. Henry is confused about this mother’s choice. Regina is clearly boiling with anger. Robin’s eyes are jumping from one to another in search for something to do. And Belle is clearly focusing on him as a gateway from the general mess of the situation. When a glass of water mysteriously appears in front of him, he realises that Granny might be the only one who still has her head on her shoulders.“I can check if I have something stronger if you want.”                He nods with a faint smile.“Water will be fine for now.”                The world is confusing enough right now, no need to add alcohol to the mix !“So what do we do now?”                Of course, David needs to act. Merlin doesn’t think there is much to do now. Moments like that, all you can do is watch the play unfold. But he gets it: it’s his daughter. He needs to act, prove he’s a good father. Even though that final line has been crossed. They could… What could they do? Run to the vault? The idea of this long walk exhausts him… But David will probably not take “we can just wait” for an answer. He can feel their look on him, Merlin, the wisest and most powerful wizard. He must know what’s next. Thing is: he doesn’t. He doesn’t have a single clue. And without magic, he feels like he has no where to look for one.“We could go to the vault._The dagger’s vault? Asked Snow._Yes. Dark Ones are connected to this place, one way or another. Killian might still be there. Emma might have joined him. This is our best shot for now._That’s still a lot of guess! Don’t you have a better strategy?_David, calm down ! That’s all we have for now, we have to take the chance. Stop yelling at Merlin like it’s his fault.”                With a silent look, Merlin thanks Snow for her intervention. What David would so without his wife is a complete mystery even him couldn’t solve…  Regina can’t stay silent for longer, even though she tries to stay calm, you can feel the vibration in her voice. She’s trying not to pile up on Snow’s fears.“They’re Dark Ones, they can teleport. And I don’t think our dear friend Merlin can take such a walk right now. No offense._None taken.”                He doesn’t want to admit it, but she’s right. As often. There’s more wisdom in this woman than the others are ready to acknowledge. She’s right. It’s an uneven plan conceived just to keep David busy, to entertain the illusion he’s doing something.“Well, then it’s a good thing we came to you.”                Everyone stops and turns in surprise to the entrance: the dark couple just entered the room, holding hands… Emma looks weirdly happy. Her face glows like it’s the best day of her life. No, not really. It’s not a natural glow. She’s trying to shine with peace and self-confidence. It’s impossible to know if she’s trying to convince her parents or Hook. Killian on the other hand looks gloomy as ever… It’s like he grew a century older right now. Merlin can’t help wondering if they’re connected since Killian inherited his magic. For now, he’s putting a lot of efforts not to cross anyone’s eyes. It’s weird seeing the captain without his usual voiceful pride. Suddenly, Merlin misses Hook’s reckless comments on everything. Clearly, the couple gives away some strange contradictory vibes. They’re defeated but some hope is still fighting to find its way to the light. Not enough to make this old wizard optimist. But he can’t deny it’s here.                Once the surprise has passed, the Charmings finally react. Snow jumps at Emma to hug her before David joins them. Killian takes one step back. His whole body is visibly trying not to be in the way, as if he wished to be forgotten. Were he in a better shape, Merlin would have spoken. Clearly, letting Kilian slip in the shadow feels like the worst idea ever. Or at least, the second worst idea after turning him into a dark one. But right now, Merlin is trying to gather his senses. So he’ll have to hope this is just the time to adjust to his new situation. At least, everyone is relieved the couple is back and they don’t have to search thought all of Kamelot and the Enchanted Forest to find them. It’s easier for everyone, including them.                As the Charming share their joy of being together again, Regina and Robin exchange a concerned look. Something’s off, they can both feel it. Having experienced with the darkness themselves, they can see the signs. Looking for approval, Regina slowly whispers to him.“We should do something… I just don’t know what._At this point, anything will be better than nothing anyway._Fait point. You take Captain Darkness and I’ll do the nauseating happy family…”                A nod, and each of them join their target. Joining Hook is easy. He has retrieved himself in the shadow, as if he could fuse into the wall. As a thief, Robin has evolved in this shadow place for a long time. It weirdly feels familiar. He’s happy he had the opportunity to move on from it. It doesn’t feel that long ago. Especially seeing how easy moving through it comes back to him. Killian looks like he’s seen a ghost. Many ghosts. Ghosts that are still there watching his every move. Robin has seen more than one man looking like this in the shadow. Probably because this is where they all end up.“Hello fellow. Back in the shadow ?_Have we ever moved from here?_Good point. How you feeling?_Ever felt like what you’ve been running from has finally caught up to you?_Zelena is having my child. So ask again in 9 months.”                At least, Hook has a light laugh. Sure, it’s more a grimace than a joyful smile, but at least there’s that, a connection. In times like these, it seems essential.“Did you two… talk ?_About what?”                It’s a question but it sounds like a firm “end of the conversation”.“I’m just worried you know._Yeah so am I. Don’t think I need any more worrying mate._I know that. I just don’t think you should do that alone._I know everyone think I can’t do this._This is not my point._No… I know… sorry, just nervous…”                It’s just… there are these whispers juste under Robin’s voice. Killian is not sure of what to. Focusing on the whispers to hear what they truly want to tell him, or focusing on Robin’s voice to stop the fuss. Surprisingly, Robin is still there even though Killian is unfairly irritated by him. Dating Regina might have accustomed him to this kind of flare.“That sounds understandable. Look it’s just… I know you and I don’t know each other well but I know what it’s like to be far from your own family… or what stands for it, I guess. Emma has her family. I’m far from my merry men, you’re far from your crew…_Not sure my crew cares as much for me as your merry men do for you…_How can you be so sure ?_I don’t think I was a captain people want to follow. They were just pirates and I had a ship._So you’re even further from anything than I thought. How about I’ll be your inland crew ? Sounds right?_Why would you do that for me?_I just want to bet on the famous Captain Jones. Feels like the right thing to do right now.”                It feels warm inside. Warm enough for the whispers to stop. Killian could argue again, but seeing Emma with her parents as he was slipping away, the impulse to just grab anything that could get him out of the darkness is stronger. Instead of arguing, he just clumsily shakes the hand Robin is showing him, truly thankful.“Thanks mate… it means a lot to me…_You’re welcome. Just… try not to hide in the shadow ok?_Yeah, will try.”                Meanwhile, Regina has joined the Charming. She’s not eager to interrupt this moment of joy but she also know that she has to be the one reminded them that barely hours ago, Hook was dying and Emma gave up on destroying the darkness to save him, crossing a line that committed her to the darkness. This doesn’t feel like something you can postpone forever. It’s easy to consider Emma as the innocent one with a dark Hook as the comparison point now. They can’t afford to forget his if they want to be able to face what’s coming for them. Regina knows this for a fact. And now, irony wants her to be the Charmings’ voice of reason. Doesn’t sound like an easy fight to wage… You never have a bloody cricket when you need one !“Glad to see you back Emma.”                She tries to sound happy, and in a way, she is, truly. Emma’s back with them, and for the moment, Hook seems to be under control. It would be so easy not to look further. But Regina knows better. Automatically, Emma straightens, like a threat is coming to her in the form of an ex Evil Queen.“Yes, thank you. It’s a relief. Now we’re back with you, all of you, and we’re going to find a solution._To the problem you created…”The electricity between the two women goes up again.“Maybe we should take this conversation outside._Wait…_I think Emma’s right.”                David vaguely tried to interfere but none of them cared enough to listen to him. Emma leads the way out of Granny’s followed by Regina and the Charmings, too worried to let their daughter out of sight for too long. As they pass by the two men in the shadow, none of them is paying attention to Killian and Robin as if they were already too far in the shadow for this.                They don’t go far. As soons as they’re outside Emma stops and stares at Regina, ready to bite.“Anything you want to tell me?_I just think we shouldn’t act like nothing happened._That’s not what we’re doing._Not saying that’s what you’re doing but we cannot just skip to the happy end._We’re not skipping to it. It’s just that you’re not even letting us catch our breathe._Because we don’t have time for that. You created a living landmine !_So you don’t trust Hook ? you don’t think he can resist the darkness?_He doesn’t believe it himself !_Regina’s right… he begged you not to and it’s not like he’s objectively the best candidate for that._Mom ! You should be proud, I took a page out of your book. I chose love._Emma… I think it’s a bit more complicated thatn just that…”                She never thought it would come to this, but Regina is relieved that Snow agrees with her and speaks up. Yes, Emma acted out of love… it doesn’t change the fact that she used dark magic to do so. Regina knows this path, she took it too for years and years. Convincing herself she was perpetrating her vendetta out of love for Daniel, which somehow made it ok. It’s so easy to justify the worst to yourself once the pain has bitten your heart to the core. They can’t let this settle in. ‘Cause if Emma already turned Hook into a dark one, what will be the next step ?“How complicated is it?_You used dark magic. And not only did you dark magic but you played with life and death !_It didn’t bother you when I did it for Robin. So it’s ok for you to push me that far but when I chose to do it for me it’s wrong?”                Electric silence again. Regina sighs. She has to conceal her this point. It’s true that lines have been crossed and Hook might not be the first one if she’s honest. Emma trusted her to stop her if needed, and instead, she did push her the second it got convenient for her. Maybe Regina didn’t paved the way right… Luckily, Snow is ready to jump in in a more convincing way before shit his the fan between Emma and Regina.“Enough, both of you. It’s useless to go over what has been done. We can’t undo any of it and playing the blame game won’t help anyone. So stop this.”                Both nod and try to relax. Regina might not have the right temper to handle the situation, but she truly cares about Emma.“So… do you have a plan ? Or any idea of what to do now or how to handle the situation?_We have to help Killian fighting the darkness. I thought I could talk to Belle. You know, asking her how things went with Gold.”                As Regina feared, this is a half-cooked plan. It feels like they’re just running to the first thing that seems vaguely accurate. But this won’t solve shit. They will barely buy any time. But maybe for now, buying time is enough. Enough and all they can do. Half-cooked plan is better than no plan.“Let’s ask Belle.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

I look inside myselfAnd see my heart is blackI see my red doorI must have it painted blackMaybe then, I'll fade awayAnd not have to face the factsIt's not easy facing upWhen your whole world is black
Sister Sin – Paint it black
                 Next step : talking to Merlin. It’s crazy how Granny’s dinner feels big right now. It’s like Merlin is sitting on the other side of the world. Unlike the Crocodile’s ghost smirking on the side.“Still time to change your mind.”                Maybe that’s the kick in the butt he needed to finally move and join Merlin in his booth. When he sits right in front of the former wizard, he can feel that something is moving in the shadows, something inside is screaming, struggling against the storm to come out alive on the other side. Something that isn’t his but beats through his own blood. What did that dark magic bring to him? As if he didn’t have enough with his own struggles…“So…_So…”                On his side, Merlin is not quite sure of what to do next. What can he offer to Killian? He’s still a bit weak from this transfer of magic. Is it some kind of phantom limb or can he really feel how his old magic is moving through the Captain’s carcass? And this feeling inside his own chest, what is it? Envy? Resentment? Anger? Regret? Or just exhaustion? Way too many questions and too little answers. For now, at least, both of them seem to agree on one point: they must talk.“How do you feel?_I’m not sure how to answer that question. I mean I’m supposed to be dead. So, being… not dead sounds like an improvement. Becoming the very demon I’ve been chasing for centuries, not so much._Sounds confusing. Believe it or not, I do get the feeling._How so?_Well… I didn’t really want this magic all these centuries ago. I just wanted to survive. A feeling you’re familiar with I suppose. And then… years later… I was supposed to get rid of it. Stop being immortal to live a happy life with the woman I loved until our natural demise… She betrayed me. And I got stuck with magic and cursed to walk the world surrounded by darkness. A feeling we also share I believe._Aye. Except your magic was white, and at the very second I inherited it, it turned black.”                That was a big difference, they both knew it. What neither of them knew is what turned Merlin’s light magic into dark magic: Emma’s action or Killian’s nature?“Maybe if we find out how light magic turned dark, we can free you. Both of you._So we’re looking for the root of darkness? Again? Haven’t we already done that for Emma? If it didn’t work for her, how’s that supposed to work better for me?_I don’t know. But… maybe I was wrong earlier. Maybe it couldn’t work for Emma. Maybe you were the one it’s supposed to help._So what? We the Excalibur meets the flame thing to destroy the darkness once again? Then either I’m liberated from my misery or I get burnt all the way down?_I’ll admit it’s not promising when you put it that way._Then again, I should be dead right now. So one chance out of two is still better than nothing… I suppose…”                Something. Inside. Jumping. A burst of joy. Wrathful joy. Not his. Killian’s sure of this. No matter, he can still feel it in his blood as clearly as the air on his skin. An unidentified urge. Something dancing at the corner of his eyes. He wants to turn his head. Check and be sure. But if he does so, this thing, it will be real. Whatever it is, this thing must not be real. He can’t let it. That’s the only thing he can be certain. Even though the captain is trying to keep his attention focused on Merlin, his gaze starts wondering around the dinner. Until he finds it: in the shadow, the Crocodile’s ghost, still grinning on his corner, the joy around him feels weirdly contagious.“Yes, let’s do this, let’s reunite Excalibur for good. Do it do it do it do it. Pay the price. Do it.”                Except it’s not Rumple’s voice. The words are floating around him, vibrating. They are smoke coming out of his mouth but he did not pronounce them. Whoever did it has a female voice… A voice coming from Killian’s very own flesh and blood, from this place where the wrathful joy was resonating only minutes ago. Not only can he feel it but he wants to feel it. That feeling sounds familiar, warm, comforting in its own way. Sure it’s dark. But darkness has this ability to sort of hug you, protecting you from the cold and the cutting edges of the outside world. Every pain just get sucked in the darkness, merging out of conscience. Nothing can jump at your face anymore because nothing can find you anymore. There is joy in hiding. This joy tainted with a righteous anger that just gives you the impression that whatever you do, it’s okay, because it’s just fair. No more complications, no more consequences, no more right or wrong. Just pain losing its edges because the darkness blurred it all.  And in the blur, there’s safety.                That’s all Killian wants right now. Feeling safe. From himself. From this part of him that just wants to curl up in the safety of the darkness for a quick fix of wrathful joy.“Killian?”                The captain’s eyes find their focus back as Merlin’s voice calls for him. He didn’t realize right away that Killian wasn’t really with him anymore, so he’s not sure what part of the explanation he missed. Was it something he said that sent the captain on a distant pathway? If so what? And where he?                Merlin felt the confusion. Something in the air. Something he thought he recognized too but couldn’t name. Like some vague memory from ages ago. Were they really that connected? If so, which of them will lure the other on his side?“Killian, are you alright?_Same answer than previously. Not much has changed since the last time you asked. Unless I missed the miracle but I guess people would have been louder about it.”                Also he wouldn’t feel this way anymore. He doesn’t know for the world outside, but he world inside his guts would definitely be less loud if such miracle had happened.“You were just… off for a moment. I was wondering where you were.”
Tell him

Don’t

Or lie

Lie louder

Lie better

The old wizard always things he knows better

Don’t him fool you

He doesn’t

You’re the fool

And that he knows
“Nowhere. Just… getting used to this magic thing._Yeah. I remember. It requires a few adjustments. At first._Please tell me at first only…_At first everyday._Has anyone told you you weren’t so talented at cheering up people?_Yeah, I might be rusty with word communication. You’d be surprised how everything is so much simpler when you are a tree!_You don’t say…”                 Yeah… everything was easier. Merlin was a part of the world back then. No existential question, no deadly threat, and most of all, no broken heart. At first, it was hard. The feeling that he lost everything was breath-taking, until the moment he realised he didn’t have to breathe anymore. Oxygen was just… happening. He didn’t have to fight for it to happen, which meant he didn’t have to feel the pain of every breathe. Such a relief.                After the oxygen, he discovered the joy of the wind going through his branches, his leaves… his body. They joy of not having to eat to sustain himself. Just like the oxygen happened, the nutriments were happening. His roots were doing the job by just being into the ground. Everything was so easy.                He didn’t have to pretend that it was easy. He didn’t have to act like he had all the answers and then make sure he did have them. No one was expecting him to be their guide because no one would ever expect this from a tree.                Sure. Every now and then, he delivered a few prophecies and had to make sure people were on their right path. But most of the time, he could just stop being a person, being conscious or even just being. He could just melt with the wind and the dirt, and he was safe, at peace. Somewhere, deep in his mind, he knew this was only temporary. A very long temporary, but on the scale of his life... it was not that long. Long enough to be fully enjoyed. Long enough that he was not sure being a human again was such a relief. Liberation was not such an easy word when you think about that.                It wasn’t easy for say, even though he did a great job at pretending when Emma and Regina got him out of the tree. But he still had his magic to connect him to the world. A safety net. Now that this last bit of sanity was taken away from him, the real struggle being. 
You should ask him

He could turn you back into a tree

He’s the Dark One now

He can do it

Just ask

That’s what friends are for

Being a tree was better

Please be a tree again

Do it for us
“Merlin?_Yes. Sorry. You were saying?_Do you miss it? Being a tree?”                               Did Killian did that on purpose? Asking the painful question? Or is he just joking around, like that amused smile seems to say? Just in case, Merlin puts on a brave face and chooses to avoid the details of his train of thoughts.“No. I miss the calm that surrounds trees._I know that feeling too._You do?_Well, I guess it’s similar to me missing the see when I have not been sailing for a while. So I can relate.”                They smile at each other. They know. They know they share that feeling, that longing, even if they named so very little of it. They know what live in the silence between the words. For once, they don’t need to say it out loud. Maybe that’s enough. At least for now. Enough for Killian to find some bits of faith in Merlin’s plan. Enough for Merlin to have more hope for Killian’s future.“So. Excalibur it is._Exactly._I hope it’ll work this time. Not sure I can succeed where Emma failed._You know what? We should ask Granny for something stronger than water.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

I was painting a picture
The picture was a painting of you And for a moment I thought you were here But then again, it wasn't true, down And all this time I have been lying Oh, lying in secret to myself I've been putting sorrow on the farthest place on my shelf And I was running far away Would I run off the world someday?…

Aurora - Runaway

For a second, Robin thought he would have to push Killian for him to join Merlin. Luckily the captain found whatever he needed to finally take that step. Suddenly the Robin has nothing to do here anymore. He can hear the agitation outside, while inside, the atmosphere is tight as hell; An invisible sand storm has taken over the dinner. A slow one, but a sand storm where there is no sand, that’s still impressive. Sure, it’s just an image. But Robin can feel the sand in the air, crackling at every move, every breathe. Maybe it’s best he goes outside, to breathe fresh air, and leave some privacy to the two men. In order to do that properly, he gently grabs Belle’s arm. She’s still going here and there, starring at Merlin like he’s about to break, and at Killian like… well, he’s about to break too. Another kind of breaking point. Robin can’t really blame her. But he’s not sure this is going to help anything. They can’t really have this conversation under surveillance. Plus, he’s pretty sure she’s twirling old memories of her story with Rumple in her head. Not helpful in any way. She could use some fresh air too.“How about we go outside? You know, for a walk…_I don’t know. Maybe Merlin will need something and_And if it happens I think he can get it by himself._But… you’re sure it’s a good idea, living them alone like that?_Well, anyway, if Killian had plans to kill Merlin, he’s a Dark One. I’m not sure you and I could do much. So instead of, I don’t know, acting like the fire is about to catch, we’re going to trust they can have a polite conversation. Apparently, that’s what they’re aiming for. Let’s just trust they can do as planned and catch ourselves a break.”                Belle hesitates for a minute, dancing from one foot to the other. The truth is, she doesn’t really know what to do, doesn’t really know where to stand, or what she came to do here in the first place. It now feels like she should be anything but here. Robin may be right. Some fresh air might do her some good. She can’t spend her whole life waiting for dark ones to show their true colors. A fainted smile, and finally she just nods to Robin and follow him outside. The air here is indeed more breathable. But peace of mind is still not on the menu for Belle.“Belle ! Happy to see you, I was about to come in to talk to you._Talk to me? Why? What for?”                She knows the answer. She realises it the second she asks Emma the question. She knows even if she doesn’t want to know. Maybe that’s why she asks. In the hope Emma would answer something else. Unfortunately for her, she doesn’t. Even Robin seems sorry for her. He truly wanted her to take a break and they run right into the next big task. Mission failed. And the air here could be cut with a knife. Regina looks on the verge of war. Emma is defensive as hell. Snow is running from one fire to the other and David is just running after everyone. The air is buzzing.“About the Dark One. You loved Rumple for years, I need to know what to do to help Killian staying on the right side of the line._What makes you think I have an answer to this? You do realise we are in this situation because of what Rumple did? So it’s obvious I have no answer to that question.”                There is anger and guilt in her voice. The second before, Regina wanted to believe in Emma’s plan, but the confusion on Belle’s face sprinkles doubt in the air. That might not be the right price to pay…“I’m not saying it’s your fault._Maybe not. But you seem to think you can do better. Which implied I failed._Maybe… Maybe Rumple failed.”                Robin is not so sure, but every one turns their face to him. It’s not really as if what he has to say is breaking news. But it feels like it’s important to remind them now.“I mean, from what I get, Rumple did very little to stay on the right side of the line. He wanted power whatever the cost. He could have lived outside of Storybrook, even I succeeded to do that. But he chose to come back, he chose to attack us. And we are here as a consequence. While Killian worked really hard to change. So maybe, it’s less about what Belle failed to do and more about what she gave he didn’t take.”                Belle softens. There is real gratefulness on her face. Crisis aborted. Regina smile softly, she’s always impressed by his talent. The way he deescalates the conflict just by being patient, when she jumped at Emma’s throat for the same reason minutes ago. She hopes she can learn from him, even a tiny bit.“Maybe. But I’m still not sure how to help._Were there any moment when you feel that the tide could turn? That he could pick another way?_It always didn’t last long. But… sometimes. When the world around us slowed down, or when we didn’t feel the pressure of it, he would… just lower his guard for a while. Like he wouldn’t need all this power that much. Honestly, I don’t know what he’s trying to protect himself from. Feels like most of his troubles come from what he’s doing as a Dark One, or to keep being it.”                His days as a coward were so long ago now. There were no one left from this time, not even his son. The reason he went after all this power to begin with. Except Killian. Killian has known him from these days. And now he’s a Dark One and it’s still sort of on her shoulders to find a solution. While Rumple is still somehow between life and death in Storybrook.“Honestly… maybe Rumple is the one you should ask._I beg your pardon ???”                This time Regina couldn’t stay quiet. She really can’t see in what world Rumpelstiltskin could be of any help…“He’s back to being human now, with no magic at all, it’s not like he could be dangerous to any of you…_Yet. He doesn’t have magic yet. He can’t be any dangerous to us yet. You just said it. He’s a coward who could do anything to hold on to power because anything feels like danger to him._One way or another it doesn’t really matter. He’s not in this world right now. Furthermore, as far as we know, he’s still in a coma. So we can’t ask him anything.”                               Snow too couldn’t stay silent any longer. She agrees with Belle, Rumple would have way more answer than any of them. Plus, maybe the bond they have with Killian for centuries could be of use. Maybe. In some weird way. For now, they have to focus on what is more than what could be. She can’t help but relate to Belle’s dilemma. And since no one asked her, she’ll be the one to do it.“How are you holding on Belle? How’s the rose?_The rose… wait! It’s still inside… I should get it back now…”                That spite of anxiety right to her heart. She hates that she has to leave the rose behind to live her life. Just like she hates the way she clings to it like it would change anything. Once again, she’s powerless in helping the man she loves, or used to love. Because at this point, she’s not completely sure of what she feels for her husband. All she knows is that she can’t just completely give on him. Even Emma seems to think she had some kind of power over him, and not only as a hostage to blackmail him. But herself… she’s not so sure of that.XXX                Inside the diner, Killian and Merlin are done talking for now. They’re drinking in silence. Both of them lost in their own train of thought. The alcohol brings an old familiar warmth for one, and a strange new comfort to the other. It’s like losing your bones. All that felt so rigid, so… stony? Suddenly evaporates. Merlin vaguely knows this is not a solution. And after all these years, Killian knows it for sure. But right now, solution is not the goal. Just the warmth. Just losing your bones to the ether.They’re coming Run Now Just go You can go Nothing is holding you here They’ll be loud So loud So many words So many answers to questions you didn’t even ask No one’s listening But you can go Nothing can hold you here You’re free to go Why stay here? Why should you obey? They’re not listening They’re so so loud                  The voices are coming to the door. The two men can hear them. The whole gang arguing. Talking loud. They both know that soon, they’ll be barging in. Each of them with their questions, their needs, their desires. Everything they think they know and neither Merlin nor Killian will be able to stop them from projecting all of their mess on them. The second the group comes in, the second they have to deliver. The pressure is suddenly filling the silence between them. It doesn’t need words to do so. Their bones are already back in their usual place, feeling the whole ache of the situation. Merlin sighs. He knows he has to face them, but he has no solution to offer, and that feeling of failure refuses to leave.“We could go.”                This is not a question. Killian has this light in his eyes. Like he knows exactly what to do next. Or what he wants to do.“They’ll see us._I did not mean by the door.”                Of course. He can do that now. Just vanish. The former wizard is vaguely scared how quickly that new Dark One learns his way around dark magic… for somewhat who never has a single sparks of magic, that’s quick… Merlin knows, he should not say yes to that. It’s just teleportation, but the more Killian gets used to dark magic, the harder it will be. Yet, the voices are getting closer now. They’re just a second away to enter.He could turn you back to a tree We don’t want this We want to be a tree Please Ask “Yes. Let’s go.”                Belle rushes in, followed by all the others. And all they find is the rose.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

She's seen us
She's seen what we have done
Forgive us
We know what we have doneShe comes forth, Mother Nimue
She poisons her corrupted offspringAnd all at once her pain is reflects upon us all
And all we left was a pile of stone upon hеr graveThe dark taint of death sprеads
It spreads within our hearts
Domhain – A pile of stones above her grave
                  A snap of his fingers. A cloud of red smoke And off they’re gone. Merlin can’t help but thinking that he used to be able to do this on his own. He can still smell bits of his own magic in Killian’s. It’s already changing. Soon there’ll be nothing left of him, only the Dark One. He could bet on these little sparkles to help the captain stay on the right path, but since he accepted Killian’s offer without a second thought, that would be quite hypocritical. Feels like he was tempted by the darkness almost as easily as Killian.
You know why

Know the answer

Ask him
 
                Killian is pacing around in silence. Frowning and pinching the top of his nose. The noise is back. The whirlwind inside. He has to calm down but if he does, the voices in his head go up for a new ride. All he can do is to decide what’s worse.
We know the struggle

Ask us
                 The crippling feeling of loneliness is running through is blood. He knows it. But since he’s been turned into… this, it’s even worse. It burns. Rum barely keeps it at bay. And everyone is asking, asking, asking again. Making noise. Judging.
They think they know who you are

We know better

You’re not alone

We’re here
“You’re ok Killian ?
_Please stop asking me this !”                The good old outburst of rage. That’s why he wanted out. Killian decided to jump out of the diner. He couldn’t stand one more sorry worried look. This had to stop. He knew the second they would come through that door, they would have had so many questions and opinions and advices. SO much noise. Like he didn’t have enough pain and noise inside his own shell. Couldn’t he have just a moment of peace?“Sorry. Just wanted to…
_What ? Make sure I don’t fall into the darkness? Isn’t it a but too late for that?
_It’s never too late
_You know that’s not true right? You, yourself, told Emma she was crossing a line. And she’s the damned saviour. You don’t trust me either.
_We already went through this Killian. It’s not you I don’t trust it’s the darkness.
_Does it make any difference?”                Damn Crocodile is smiling again. He knows something.“Yes I do deary. Do you want to know?
_...
_Oh yeah, I guess you’re not answering so he won’t hear. Well, technically, he knows. You know too. You’re just not very focused deary. Or maybe you still care too much for the old wizard? Weird right? I mean, he could have stopped Emma. But he didn’t. Maybe he has something to win with you as the Dark One. Something he couldn’t get from Emma.”                He has to bite his tongue not to yell at Rumple’s ghost, but the rage is clearly showing on his face. His eyes are jumping all around, looking for something to spit his rage at. Nothing. Except Merlin. Which he was trying to avoid since something is vaguely telling him that bringing the wizard with him wasn’t to use him as a punching bag. It doesn’t help that Merlin is currently looking at him as if he were some kind of rabid dog. It makes him want to bite, just to prove the point. Or because he feels like it’s what it’s expected from him to the point where he can’t even think of any other possibility.                On his side, Merlin is lost. Why did he follow Killian? He barely hesitated. The few seconds he took before agreeing to run away were more like an old habit. Something inside him remembering how it feels to act the right way, to not make one single step out of it. That thing bumped into an even older memory. The memory of running away. Of being a slave, powerless, with not other option than running from your life. It’s old, so old. Even when he was stuck into a tree, he wasn’t that powerless.
Say the word

You were weak

Say it
 
                From the tree, he could still use his magic to reach through time and worlds. He could act, he could have an impact. He wasn’t doomed to suffer the world. He was a part of it. He has options. But back then… just the desert, barely a friend, a friend who died as the result of their escape. They were dying of thirst when they found the Grail. His friend drank too quickly and died for this. What an unfair fate… They ran away for him to die in the desert because he needed to drink. Because they ran, because he didn’t submit to some invisible anonym force. Back then, the had to beg to this unknown force so he could drink. Dying of thirst or dying from lightning didn’t feel like much options. That’s what he remembered back in the diner, when Kilian offered to go.
Ask him

You were weak

You are now

Shush! He doesn’t want to acknowledge it!

But he’s weak now

He just doesn’t want to see himself as he was back then
 
“I was ready to be weak for her!”                The silence that follows Merlin’s outburst is finally broken by Hook’s laugh. It was unexpected, but that he knows, and for now, it calms the whirlwind down.“Wanna say more about this, mate?”                Merlin is visibly lost. Confused. He’s not used to lose his temper that way. He has never been. So that outburst really comes as a surprise to him. It’s not that he’s not like his old self, more like he doesn’t know how to behave anymore.“Sorry… that… wasn’t for you…
_Yeah. That sort of things tends to happen lately. Might be the weather.”                At least now Merlin is somehow relatable. Hook is a bit tired of all this benevolence. Too many talks about second chance and not enough proper second chance. So, having Merlin losing his shit over some internal turmoil feels like something this pirate masters perfectly. It’s a bit amusing. It’s also some kind of relief having someone coming to his level instead of having to rise to his.
Don’t let him fool you

He wants something
“We should walk.”                Merlin doesn’t wait for Killian’s answer. The memory decides for him: when you’re that powerless, you walk. You let your legs make the work and decide for you. One step at a time. One step and then another and another again and yet another until you cannot count them anymore. He doesn’t really know where’s he’s going. There is nowhere to go.
Away. That’s all.

Away.
                Merlin feels Killian walking by his side. They don’t talk. At least, not out loud. They both have these inner dialogues going on and on and on.
You should ask him

He wants something from you

She’s there

I want to talk to him

There’s loneliness

And then there’s loneliness

We should have been together

You’re connected

We’re still together

He doesn’t know

What do you want to do

Tell him

He gets it

Do it

He’s your permission

A new beginning

After all this time

It’s high time

Didn’t we pay enough?

He gets it he can do it

Just ask

Keep walking

I want to talk to him

She’s here

And everyone could be happy

You don’t have to be weak

Don’t have to obey anymore

Don’t have to suffer what they say

Don’t have to submit

My dear

Deary
 
                How long do they walk side by side, doing nothing else but intertwining their loneliness? They couldn’t tell. Neither do they really know why Killian’s the one who finally break the silence.“Where did that come from?”                Another silence. They keep walking. No matter the destination. All that matter is that they stay together. The conversation can be slow, they have time, now that there is no risk of the others budging in. It’s quieter now. Merlin vaguely wonders if he can really trust Killian, but one more step, and he doesn’t really see why he shouldn’t.“I guess that I haven’t been without magic for so long… You weren’t even born. Neither was Rumpelstiltskin. So I guess it just brings back old memories I haven’t faced for a while.”                For so long, Merlin was convinced he grieved them. That he had accepted what happened with Nimue. It can’t be changed, wisdom commands that he doesn’t let that fester inside him. He thought that’s what he did, that he succeeded. Maybe that was just being a tree. He thought that the centuries of rain washed away all his regrets down to the Earth. But he realizes now how it just rot in his very core.“Yeah. Seems to be the season for this kind of shit.”                Should he ask? Killian’s unsure. Now that they’re here on the outside, it feels like there’s no need to push any agenda or question. But he’s curious. What could linger in the old wizard’s mind that could suddenly burst out this way?“Wanna talk about it?”                Curiosity won. What’s the point of intertwining their silence if nothing comes out of it? The female voice he heard earlier is back again, more and more distinct from the others.“ I want to know what he has to say. But don’t trust him. Don’t let him fool you. It worked on Emma but I didn’t fall for that. And you shouldn’t.
I told you he wants something from you that he didn’t get from Emma. You’re too easy to manipulate deary.
_Shut up
_Thought you wanted an answer.
_Yeah no, I do, it’s just… buzzing…”                Are they going to burst like that one after the other? Not the most efficient way to lead a conversation, but they are weirdly getting used to it. There’s some comfort in fucking up conversations one after the other. It doesn’t really matter. As long as they can fail together.“What’s buzzing?
_Funny, I thought you’d know.
_No I…”                Merlin stops right away.
That’s a lie
“Actually I kinda do.
_That’s what I thought.”
Ask him.
“That’s about her, isn’t it?
_You can hear her?
_All the Dark Ones in my head, bla bla bla. Come on. If I, a pirate, knows the deal, don’t tell me the wisest wizard in the Enchanted Forest doesn’t.
_And… she’s talking to you?
_Don’t you think you might want to answer mine before asking your own questions? I think someone owes me answers, real ones. Might as well start with you. Plus, if you want to talk to her, I would appreciate to know more.”
Blackmailing the old wizard? Didn’t think you had that in you. You know I still want to talk to him?

He’s getting better deary.
“Like some sort of deal you mean?”
Don’t make a deal with a Dark one

Do it

You want to

You too are connected

He’s her

Take the deal
                Killian sighs, rolls his eyes to the sky. He feels lost. All this feels like sailing a new see with no map and no compass. He really wants to know but does it have to be a deal? Have they really come to this? Anyway, he’s not really sure he cares anymore. He meant it: he’s owed answers and if he has to rip them from Merlin’s chest, he will.“Doesn’t have to be. We have this mutual acquaintance. Apparently, we both need each other to deal with her. So, I would prefer that we collaborate. But I’m tired and out of patience. So if a deal’s what it takes to make you speak, so be it. What you decide wizard?”                Merlin is not sure. He should walk away. Right now. He can feel it in his guts. But his guts remember. He didn’t run from the Grail. He went for it. He took the bet and tried his luck. Why shouldn’t he try again now? Just like Killian, there answers he’s been craving for centuries as he was trapped into that tree.“In my defence, I told Emma when we went for the Prometheus flame. Most of it at last.
_Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’ve been quite busy since then. You were trapped by Arthur into Excalibur, which he later used to kill me, even though I didn’t die right away, and Emma used that exact same sword to resurrect me as a Dark One, as you were stripped from all your magic. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, we argued and fought with basically everyone before eventually running away with you. Doesn’t leave much time for pillow talk mate!
_Fair enough… Alright, what do you want to know?What’s her name? Should be an easy one.
_Nimue.
_Who is she?
_The very first Dark One.
_Great. How do you know her? And most important, how did that happen?”                How do you become the Dark One when they’re no Dark one to kill?
                Silence. Merlin is looking for his words. He told his story to Emma, even though Killian’s right, it was not that long ago.
You told this story over and over and over

For centuries

There was no one to listen

But the leaves and the birds

Don’t believe a word he says
“She was the woman I loved. I loved her so much I decided to give up my immortality. For a world without her was worthless and I wanted my last experience on Earth to be growing old with her and finally just go.
_I’m sure she loooooved the idea.
_She didn’t get my point. I thought I convinced her. I thought she agreed on the plan.
_Which was?
_Turning the Grail into a sword so I could be cut from my magic. We could have been equal…
_Technically this part worked. Just not in the way you wanted.
_I guess that’s one way of seeing it.
_So what failed?
_Before I turned the Grail into Excalibur, she drank from it.
_See. Equals.”Now you get it.“But the Grail didn’t turn you into a Dark One.
_No. She went after the man who destroyed her whole village and loved ones. She ripped his heart to get her revenge.”I still loved him. He stopped loving me just because I disagreed with him. Because I wanted to do things in my own way. He wanted to be right more than he wanted to give me what I needed. Only his view of the world, of right and wrong, mattered.“Do you still love her?
_What???”                Where did that question come from? Why is Killian asking him that? Merlin doesn’t want to answer. He has never wanted to answer it. He doesn’t want to know. He refuses to acknowledge the answer. He’s boiling with rage: how dares he ask such a question??? Is nothing sacred for that damn pirate?“Look! I don’t think this has anything to do with you!
_Oh no? You do realise that if she was the First Dark One ever, I am her legacy, right? And since I was made out of Excalibur, I inherited your magic. I am literally the product of your failed love story.
_It wasn’t failed
_She put you in a tree
_OK this happened but…
_Because you tried to kill her
_She was a threat to the world
_You were supposed to love her!”                They’re not walking anymore. They’re facing each other, waiting to know which one will fail to maintain eye contact. Killian is defying Merlin to answer. She wants that answer, and for some reason, he wants it too now. The silence is thickening. Finally, Merlin lowers his eyes.“Yes. I still love her. I wish I didn’t. But I do.
_Good. Now we’re making progress.”                As he says so, Killian starts walking again, but no more wandering around. This time, he has a purpose in mind. At this point, right and wrong don’t really make sense. Why care about it? If he’s some kind of perfect mix between Merlin’s white magic and Nimue’s original dark magic, everything is corrupted, everything is diluted. What he understands now, is that Nimue did get her revenge, and that it didn’t end her life. That she chose to pay the price by trapping Merlin into a tree, thus ending theyr story for good.
I didn’t do that. He did…
 
                … when he betrayed her. Yes, when Merlin refused to listen to what she so desperately needed, he destroyed everything they had. Even though their love is still alive somehow, their story was dead. For the first time since Emma’s betrayal, the storm in his head seems to quiet down a bit. Now, he can see the horizon. Now, he has a destination in mind. He just needs one thing.“Killian? Killian…”                As he tries to catch up with his pace, Merlin’s voice sounds more and more anxious. What progress? He feels relieved, free. That’s for sure. It’s different from when he told Emma. It feels like the captain really gets it. A relief mixed with anxiety though.“Time to move away.”                Just a smile, and the cloud of red smoke teleports them again. This time, they end up in this abandoned and forgotten port. It has not been used for ages. Without a word, Killian pulls out Excalibur out of nowhere. The water around starts screaming. Attracted to the sword, it forms a threatening whirlwind around it. The wind gets so strong, Merlin can barely keep his eyes open, forcing him to get closed to Killian since he is the eye of the storm. The pirate is as calm as the ocean around them is raging. He keeps smiling.                When eventually the water goes back to normal, they’re standing on the deck of the Jolly Roger. Merlin is dripping while Killian is completely dry. As the water slowly retires from the ship to go back to the ocean, the Jolly Roger is waking up from its slumber in Storybrooke.“How did you…
_Doesn’t matter mate.”
Doesn’t matter

Stay with him

With her
                It probably doesn’t indeed.
                Killian is fully absorbed in his joy of finding back his good old ship. He feels whole again. The taste of freedom fills his senses, it’s intoxicating. So, of course, it cannot last. While Merlin is still trying to catch his breath, the ghost of that bloody Crocodile appears at the exact spot where he took Milah’s heart centuries ago. He grins.“Nice job deary. But you know these kinds of trick won’t be enough to give you what you want right? You were able to cheat your way to bring this little boat of yours from another realm, but it won’t be enough for a living being.
_It’s just a beginning. Plus, what tells you your double’s still alive?
_Well, I can’t tell. But you know what could tell you right?
_Right…”                He sighs. What was the point of leaving the others behind if now he had to go back to get Belle’s rose? The captain reaches to the rudder and stick Excalibur into it. Grey droplets of foggy water slowly cover it, giving it a ghostly appearance. Just like when they use the Pegasus sail, the Jolly Roger starts floating above the ground…

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Look in my eyes

you’ll always see a serpent

run from the dark

you’ll always always feel it

down your spine t

ry me and sufferimpure from holy woodwhere angels fall

Myrkur - The Serpent

The diner is empty. No trace of a fight. No trace of anything. Belle only cares for the rose. Emma freezes, unable to trust her eyes. She knows Hook is already able to teleport. But she thought they had an agreement. That he would stay. That he would try. With her. She thought she could lower her guard now, so they could fight this new curse together. Now, she realizes she was wrong. The whole world collapses under her feet as she crumbles under all the possibilities. Her mind keeps jumping from one imaginary disaster to another.“Emma? Emma!”                Her mother’s voice. Her hands guiding her to a sit before she simply falls apart. Her mother’s voice trying to calm her down, to bring her to reason, like she can see the clouds behind Emma’s eyes, even phrasing the thoughts that Emma fears to face.
It’s crazy how you can be the Dark One and yet be so powerless. You were clearly a waste of time. Maybe your best accomplishment was to offer the Darkness a proper Dark One, one who deserves the name. We should thank you for this and just leave you behind. Now, you’re useless.
                In her head, her mother’s voice and Rumpelstiltskin’s are mixing up in a weird melody trying to comfort her while putting her down. Mayne that was it. Maybe lying upon the ground, in the dirt, was the most comforting place for her. Where she belongs. Where she couldn’t let anyone down. Where she wouldn’t hurt anybody trying to help. That thought was comforting in itself. No more pressure. No more mistake. Just strop trying. And finally just be the little girl looking for comfort with her mother.                This is how Snow’s voice finds its way to Emma through the darkness. Her daughter’s need for comfort.“Emma, it doesn’t mean anything okay? Maybe he just needed some time away?_Some time away with Merlin?_That’s weird indeed… But at least he didn’t him for what I can see here._I should be the one he runs away with. Me. His girlfriend. We were supposed to have a future together._Maybe it’s his own way to protect that future_It doesn’t make any sense.”                Snow pauses. She wants to tell her daughter that if she could see the situation from outside, she would get it. From what Snow can see, these two were only draining each other to their worst. It might be temporary, not the core of their relationship. She’s been there with Charming. They would defend and justify the other’s bad decisions. Her daughter’s couple was doing their own version of this except that instead of justifying the other’s worst, they make them pay, they accuse and blame, and they punish. They want someone to be guilty for them. Snow simply hopes it’s not too late to break this spiral before it’s too late. And for this, it’s probably best if these two are separated for a while so they can cool down. She hopes Merlin can help Hook while she tempers Emma’s sudden growing apathy.“Emma… what if we stick to your plan? To trust Hook is doing the best he can with the help of Merlin? We’ll ask him when we find him back. In the meantime, we can still look for answers to help you both.”                Emma blankly stares at her for a second. Something’s off. Her whole being is torn apart. It’s like her brain knows her mother might be right, in a way. Deep down, the emotionless thinking fibres of her agree with Snow. They have fought more in the last hours than ever since they met. But the boiling storm she calls heart was screaming for more and more. She wanted Hook here right now. The fact that since she crossed this deadly line for him, all he does is trying to run away from her felt so unfair. He couldn’t stay mad at her forever. Who calls themselves a survivor and makes a scene when you bring him back to life? To eternal life even!               It doesn’t change the present situation: she has no idea where the hell Hook is gone. In bad will, she finally answers her mother.“Yeah, you might right. Thank you.”                The familiar evil laugh of the imp in her ears… she tries to ignore it…
Hihihi… Agreeing with your mother so she doesn’t inquire further while you prepare the well deserves punishment for the ex-lover! You might be useless but you’re not deprived of fun!
                It takes all of her inner strength not to answer him. So much strength that she doesn’t realise she wants to yell at Rumple for calling Hook her ex, while she doesn’t really care if he talks about punishment. Torn between her love for him and the pain of seeing him run away, she hasn’t decided yet.XXX                Robin didn’t follow the group inside the diner. He needed some fresh air and he still does. What help could he bring anyway? They keep running from one point to the other without taking any breathe. Rushing like that would not do any good to anyone. Fresh air. The smell of the forest. And… Regina. Her perfume joins the smell of the trees around them so the air itself announces her arrival. She also didn’t join them inside. Robin can’t help but smile to this. He turns around to see her joining him rather than them.                The smile on his face appeases her. Regina’s smile is shier, as always, and more tensed by the general situation, but it’s here.“How can you always be so quiet?_Oh, I only am when you’re looking at me, that’s the trick. ‘Cause I know you need it._Then I should always have an eye on you!_Sounds like a lovely idea, yet unlikely._You’re right… always fire to put out…_You didn’t follow them though.”                She hesitates. Since Emma sacrificed herself to save her from the Darkness, Regina has been unsure of her place. She tried her best to help her… friend? The queen wasn’t really sure how to qualify Emma. Saviour didn’t really make sense anymore since they no longer were enemies. Plus, there was Henry, the son they were now sharing and raising together. Their bound was deeper than “friend”. And now, they share the experience of the Darkness, the knowledge of the dark magic’s temptation. Regina thought she was now sure enough of herself to help Emma, but she pushed her beyond reason when Robin was hurt, leading later to Emma crossing the line for Hook even more easily. Now she feels like she has a responsibility in the current mess. Yet, she has no idea how to solve it.« No I didn’t. I just feel like no matter what I say or do, I just trigger her once more. Which is literally what we try to avoid right now… So… maybe I’m more helpful on the sideline. They don’t need more ex former villains on the loose._Regina… I’m sure this is only temporary It’s all fresh. Emma’s upset and maybe she needs her parents more than us right now. Teamwork you know._Maybe. »                Teamwork… but she was not really in the team, was she? Not theirs. She shakes her head, refusing that thought to fester in her mind. Not when that man is holding her hands. He’s the only team she needs for now.« How did you find Hook?_Hard to tell… Lost I’d say. Confused. Things have been rushed for him too. I’ve seen that look in many of the merry men’s eyes when first came to our group. The look of pain and confusion in front of a path they didn’t really chose. I think he has no idea how things will turn, or even how he wants things to turn. »                She nods. She doesn’t really know if it’s a good or a bad thing. For now, she’ll just trust Robin’s instinct. Anyway, they don’t really have time right now to discuss this.« Is it me or is it suddenly foggy here? »                Robin’s first urge was to answer no. But Regina’s question switches his attention to their surrounding instead of her. He didn’t see the fog rise… It’s thin. Smoky white. It makes the world around them weirdly blurry.« It looks like it wants to lead the way._An invitation? A foggy invitation?_It does sound like a trap when you put it like that…_Well, if so, we should not ignore it! »                Regina’s smile looks like her true self again: brave and defiant. Magic trap, she knows how to deal with that. Finally, she could be of help. Maybe that was her place, her role in this team. Facing the magic trap so the Charming could make sure the Dark Ones would not tear the world apart in their feud. Without waiting for Robin’s approval, Regina starts following the smoke. As she quickly walks towards it the smoke gets thicker, gathering itself into a thread that could more clearly mark the way. There is something joyful in following it. Like a child ay too focused on its game, she forgets for a second to wait for Robin. Suddenly, it’s like the smoke was whispering.
Where is your team now?
                She stops right there to look around. The smoke switches back to its foggy form, covering everything. No more invitation. No more path to follow. Just this white fog draping anything it touches until it disappears. Hiding everything far for reality. From her.« Robin ??! »
There is no team for you.
                So that was the trap? Isolating her from everyone? Hiding the world from her sight? She used to be the Evil Queen, and now, she was trapped by some stupid smoke? She refuses to back down so easily! Regina opens her fist to light a ball of fire in the palm of her hand and throws it at the fog. She doesn’t care what it touches. She just wants to see how the fog reacts. Light. Please, may it be light. Real light. Light so she can see something. It briefly works. So briefly she has already a new ball of fire ready to shoot. A way too familiar voice rings through the fog.« You’re going to light the whole forest on fire if you keep doing that. Not your best idea. »                She knows who it is before she can see him. The fog turns into the thinnest and longest possible thread of smoke and slowly twirls around his hook before disappearing into it, if that’s even possible.« Captain Guyliner… Magic made you even more theatrical._Well, you among anyone knows the power of a good entry. »                She does know, she perfected the art of a good magic entry back in her Evil Queen days. Regina also knows that this kind of entry were barely a warming up, forcing her to wonder what is coming next.« So I’m guessing you’ve made a decision regarding your new condition…_Well that’s a big word. I realized I didn’t have to wait for others to decide for me. You know how bad it is right? They talk and talk, make their big words about light and evil and you will just have to eat their conclusion like it’s some kind of god’s words. And that’s how people like you ends up like dog on a leash. Who could have guessed that the great Evil Queen herself would end up waiting for the Charming to decide her next move?_I am not waiting for their decision. And I am no one’s dog._Oh you’re not? So what’s the next big move? »                Regina gasps. She opened her mouth to answer and realized at this very second that she had no idea what to say. She didn’t even realize that Hook was no longer in the diner with the others. When did he live ?« Does this mean that you have your next big move written?_Even better. I have yours. »                Regina chuckles, the irony is glowing on her face.« So you’re mocking me for following the Charming’s plan but I should follow yours for me?_Well, you and I have more in common than you have with them._Oh, do we?_Do I need to spell the obvious?_Spit it out pirate._A loved one was taken from us, our parent sold us, we have no real family left to the point we don’t even know what it’s supposed to feel like. Long experience of the darkness and of course being a villain. A long life tainted with the search for revenge. One would say we are stubborn, I’d say we are determined and know our worth._It’s a gross summary… we are nothing alike._Sure. You tell yourself that. »                Even Regina didn’t believe herself. She could see the obvious connections. Maybe the reason why they were so often at each other’s throat had more to do with their resemblances than she wanted to admit. Yet, she could feel that admitting this to Hook, to this version of Hook would be more damaging than ever.« What is your point?_I am willing to offer you a choice. So you can remember what’s truly important to you._Because you know that._I have my opinion. So I’m betting on you buuuuuuuut at the end of the day it’s still your choice. »                This is getting as annoying as it is disturbing. Being lectured by Captain Hook isn’t really something she expected, nor that she feels ready to accept! In the meantime, something in Killian’s eyes scares her. He clearly has something in mind, but for now, all he’s doing is toying with her. She hates that feeling as much as she hates running in his web. But she’s still the Queen. She doesn’t wait to be trapped. She runs towards it with opened arms and faces the danger. This new Dark One would not be any different.« Stop glowing. Start talking._THERE I recognize that Queen we all loved and feared! Glad to see you back your highness!_I said stop with this childish taunting!_As you wish. »                Instead of talking shit again, Hook mockingly bows before her. When he stands up, the smile on his face is gone and the dark glimpse in his eyes has contaminated his whole face. Regain has to force herself to remain still and to look as calm as possible.« It’s simple. I need the rose._The rose? Belle’s rose?_That one._What for?_Just a souvenir. To satisfy the good old nostalgia._You never appeared to me lie the nostalgic kind._We all have our little quirks. I’m over 200 years old, I think I’m entitled to some nostalgia. Don’t you?_And why would you need Belle’s rose for that?_You don’t need to know the details to get it for me._And you really think she will let me take it from her just like that? You’re dreaming. She’s glued to that plant. »                The smile on Hook’s face is back. No more teasing joy. Just a predatory smile.« Then, it’s your problem. Not mine._What makes you think I will do your dirty business for you? I…_Regina… ? »                Robin’s voice stops her right away. The archer slowly appears behind Killian, as some remaining white smoke finds its way back into the captain’s hook. For a second, Regina loses her coolness as her eyes goes from Robin, to the smoke around his hook, to the heart in his other hand. No need to explain whose heart it is. Hook must find watching her understanding the complete situation amusing since he starts teasing her again.« You see, I said I would give you a choice. The choice was never whether you would do it or not. The choice is: do you get me the rose or do I crush his heart?_Oh no you don’t... »                A scream of pain, and Regina shuts off her fire ball as quickly as she made it.« I told you, it’s a very simple choice._How the hell am I supposed to take it from this girl! The rose and her are almost sharing the same air!_I guess you’ll have to figure it out. You’re a clever girl, aren’t you? You have always found solutions to get what you wanted. I’m sure you’ll think of something. To be honest, I’m very curious to see what you will chose to do to get this rose so you can get your lover’s heart back._How do you think Emma will react when I’ll tell her that you took Robin’s heart to blackmail me? You’re really sure you want her to know you’re falling into your old way?_First, technically, ripping hearts have never been my way. More like yours as we all remember. Second, if she didn’t want me to act like that, she should have respected my wish. Third… yes. Please. Do tell her I don’t mind crushing a lover’s heart. As I said, your choice. See you tomorrow. Chose well. »                In a puff of purple smoke, Killian vanishes. Robin is instantly swallowed by the white fog around. Then, in the blink of an eye, the fog is gone, and so is Robin. Nothing remains. Just the forest, as empty as a forest can be.« Robin... »                Regina calls in a sobbing whisper. She’s all alone now.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Oh, what it takes out of me to lay by your side Oh, how it aches and it aches you make me wanna die I gotta kill you, my love I gotta kill you, my love Oh, what it takes out of me to lay by your side

You said forever

Now you look right through me

You said forever Did your words fall short like you? What have I done? I'm a fucking monster When all I wanted was something beautiful

Meg Myers - Monster

The second he saw Regina going for the smoke’s invitation, Robin knew it was too late. He tried to follow. Did he not react fast enough? Or did the smoke want to separate them? He was convinced that he was right on her heels, but in a blink of an eye, Regina was gone.“Regina!”                The smoke got thicker, making it hard, even impossible, to see through. The forest was still there, he could feel it. But according to his eyes, nothing else existed but the white fog. Robin placed an arrow on his bow, getting ready to shoot the second it was needed. The archer tried to breathe and move as quietly as possible. The only clue he would have with this smoke would be sound… He knew that. Yet, he couldn’t help but calling her.“Regina!”                It felt like the smoke was eating his voice. Deep down, he knew there was no chance she would hear him. But in the same time, his voice felt like the only living thing here, the only thing connecting him to her. His hands were more and more contracted on the bow. Hard to know what he expected. When a sound finally escaped from the fog, he didn’t think, he simply shot the arrow.“I don’t think that will be necessary.”                Killian appeared, right on the line of the arrow. Of course, the arrow disappeared the second it scratched him without leaving any mark. It didn’t even erase the smile on his face.“I thought a skilled archer like you should know better than to blindly shoot around! You could have hurt Regina._Do you know where she is?_Not sure. I went to get some air and got caught in the fog. Then I heard you calling her so I thought I’d join. It feels weird wandering around in this mess.”                Robin nervously swallowed. Not sure of what was next.“So you’re telling me you’re not responsible for this fog?_I’m a sailor. You really think this is my kind of weather?”                Robin wanted to trust him. He really meant it when he told him he would be there if Killian needed a friend. What sort of friend would he be if the second things get complicated he simply gives up? But friends are honest to each other… That’s just the deal…“I it’s not you, then who? Look, I want to trust you. I really do. So, why not just tell me what’s going on?”                Killian hesitated. Robin was not sure why. He could just feel that the mask of pure confidence on the pirate’s face was cracking. For a second, a tiny second, Hook’s eyes were looking again for something around him. Something only him could see. Whatever that something was and said, the captain finally brings back his focus on Robin.“Look. I’m sorry mate. I had to try it out. See what I can do. Nothing much._And… you found out? What you can do?”                Hook shrugged, visibly unsure of the answer. Was he waiting for someone to give it to him?“Somehow, yes._Then why the fog?_Sorry mate.”                Robin could see that yes, Killian was really sorry.“Sorry for what?_Be sure this is nothing personal._What...”                Robin didn’t have time to ask his question. The pain around his heart shut off any possible thought, it froze time for an instant.“I’m really sorry.”                Somehow, the archer was sure the pirate was sharing his pain. Which didn’t make sense. The smell of regrets was floating around the two men. The next second, Robin’s heart was out of his chest, beating in Killian’s hand.“I swear I’ll take care of it.”
Somehow.
“I’ll be back soon.”                Purple smoke. The Dark One was gone… Leaving Robin alone, heartless, wandering around through the white fog, ignoring if he should go after Regina or after Hook. He could just hope that if he kept walking, he would find one or the other.XXX                Back on the Jolly Roger, Killian is sipping his rum while looking at the window of his cabin. As soon as he was back, he safely puts away Robin’s heart. In a locked chest. Hidden on the ship. He promised Robin he would take care of it, and that’s what he’s doing.“You still started to crush it._Had to. Regina had to believe I could pull it through._Yes yes yes yes. Sure sure sure. You knew she would not simply do as you pleased. You could have simple tell her right away you had leverage, and add a little bit of bluff. But no no no! That wasn’t enough. You had to play with her. It’s funny isn’t it?_Enough! It doesn’t matter, his heart won’t be hurt any more than necessary.”                As soon as he ends his sentence, Killian knew he should have remained silent. It’s so hard for him not to react to the Crocodile’s taunting him. The feeling of this sticky dark thing running through his veins, just like when he was reborn a Dark One, makes it hard to focus on anything, or to resist the nasty and constant comments in his head. The feeling was gone for a while, or maybe he wasn’t just paying attention anymore, just like he got used to the pain that replaced his left hand. But when he took Robin’s heart, that feeling suddenly increased, burning through his veins. So the imp’s comments were not his main worry at the moment, but in a strange way, it was some kind of welcome distraction from worse. He was so sure of himself before. Even though he couldn’t picture every steps, he knew what direction to follow, and that one way or another, he would know what to do next. Since he touched Robin’s heart… it doesn’t feel that easy anymore.“Admit it, you had fun torturing the queen._I needed to focus again on the plan. That’s all._Right. You got confused when ripping your first heart. Sure. It happens to the best of us._I am not confused!”                Not since his talk with Regina. Acting like a pirate again… it was so easy. Like he never stopped. If felt right. He didn’t have to think every move, every thought. It just flows naturally. Like that, he knew how to survive. Being Captain Hook again helped him ignore the smell of regrets. He knows way too well what regrets feel like.“Thought being a Dark One would be enough to kill any trace of regret._Well, either you misunderstood the obvious, or you might not be powerful enough yet deary.”                Killian laughs bitterly. He spent his whole life looking for a way to gather enough power to kill the Dark One, and now, he was a Dark One not power enough to be free from the pain of his life. At least, he still had rum.“Or maybe the problem lies on the heart you chose. Is it because the forest boy called you his friend? Hihihi ! Come on deary! Dark Ones are lonely by nature!We thought you wouldn’t mind._After all, you’re used to loss and emptiness, aren’t you? So cut the crap and quit whining! You still have work to do!”                Throwing his glass at Rumpelstiltskin and Nimue has no other effect than shattered glass everywhere and wasted rum drank by the wood of the ship… and attracting Merlin, alerted by the noise.“Everything is okay down there?_Yes… just dropped my glass. Nothing of importance.”                A snap of his fingers and the lass is fixed. The rum is gone but there are still some left where it comes from. Since Merlin seems to be here to stay, he pours him a drink. The former wizard stares at the glass in his hand. He has never been a big drinker. Sure, he had a glass of wine every now and then. But he kept it rare. He was wary of what effects it could have on him. But now… it didn’t feel like it would have much consequences… except maybe silence this part of him eager to talk to Nimue through Killian. It’s crazy how his love for her didn’t completely die after all this time… and now that his magic was gone, nothing much was left of him but this love... but he couldn’t… he shouldn’t ask Killian for this. Yet, he could feel her floating around the pirate. Suddenly, the appeal of alcohol was stronger than anything. Bottoms up!Merlin’s grimace at the taste sincerely amuses Killian.“Oy mate ! No need to rush!_It’s… strong…_Yeah. That’s the bloody point.”                Killian doesn’t wait for him to ask to pour him another drink, maybe a bit too happy to have someone to drink with, someone to share something with. Unless Regina proves herself to be especially effective, they have to wait until the next day. It’s not that long. Except when he thinks again about Robin, wandering around in this white fog, a space created just for him, locking him away from the rest of the world. He could have bring him here. He thought of it. But that would have meant answering his questions again, maybe lying again, and Killian was reluctant of this. He didn’t want to harm Robin more than he already had. Regina will surely complete her task, he will give his heart back to the thief, and off they would go. In the meantime, he could just share a bottle of rum with Merlin…“So this is how people run from their life?_Aye._Weir. Doesn’t feel like a solution._It means you haven’t drink enough yet. Plus it doesn’t have to be one. Not the point._Maybe I should here._Well it’s a pirate ship, you kinda have to. Otherwise it’s bad luck._I’m pretty sure you’re making that up._Who cares?”                Is bounding out of alcohol really that worse than a bound of magic? Merlin’s not sure. But the bound feels nice… When he was a tree, he was connected to the earth and every piece of nature. When he had magic, he was connected to every living being. Now… everything feels lonely. He hates it. So for once, he’ll take the drink. He needs that bound too much for now. Perhaps the rum will help him stop worrying about Killian’s excursion on dried land earlier… Merlin has been too afraid to ask what he was up to. But since he’s back, the captain has been gloomy and silence. At least now, he’s joking around, the mood is lighter.If you don’t ask the question, you can’t be disappointed. Just enjoy being here. With me. We’ll be together soon. Again.                Meanwhile, Robin keeps walking in his piece of white fog, unaware of the time passing by, still calling for Regina and Killian just to maintain the bound.