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The first week of his suspension, Calum managed to be productive.Cleaned his room, read a few chapters of a book. Sneaked in some episodes of TV when Elliana got home and Joy wasn’t looking. She didn't push him to talk about his suspension. He was sure that she'd already heard Luke's side of the story. The version that wasn't the truth. The version that could have had anything Luke made up about him. She wouldn't say anything about it--not yet, anyway. But he also knew she'd see through him eventually. She was always the one to call him out on his shit. She'd wait until the time was better, though. Right now, being the perfectly good-seeming stepsister she was to Joy, she gave Calum the escape that he needed, letting him borrow her car.He used it to see Delilah.His boredom turned into frustration into desperation. He ignored the second-guesses floating around in his mind when he texted her. He really was that desperate.He ignored them as he drove to her house, too. There was nothing wrong with what he was doing, he told himself. The guilt was normal. Temporary.Calum had practically invited himself over, but Delilah happily accepted it. The sex would clear his mind. It always did, the way it was a mindless yet calculated ritual. He smiled when she wanted him to. Touched her where she wanted to be touched. Said what she wanted to hear. Filled the room with sounds instead of silence. She made it easier by asking for exactly what she wanted. Part of him admired her for that. Another part envied her for it.When the emotionless ritual sex finished, Delilah’s ecstasy made him feel worse. His mind was elsewhere. He didn’t feel what he was supposed to. He should have felt proud of himself for getting her off. But, there was nothing. No satisfaction. No relief. Not even his expectations had been fulfilled, which only added on to his guilt closing in on his throat. But, this wasn’t his first time. He wanted something else. Something moreAll the guilt that he felt would be gone by the morning.But, when the morning came, it hadn't left him. It crept further and further up his neck, getting tighter every time he thought about her.
Or Luke.The second week of his suspension, all Calum thought about was why he was suspended in the first place. The lanky blond boy was the cause of all his problems. Now that he thought about it, all Luke had ever done, even during their friendship, was cause problems for him.Calum had seen Luke waiting on the steps in front of the school building. Every time he saw him, the memories flooded back vividly. Like they were happening in real time rather than in his head. This time was no different.
He loomed over Luke with a cold, sardonic smile then sat down next to him on the step.“See, now I recall telling you to stay the fuck away from my sister,” he said to him.Luke rolled his eyes. “Why are you so fucking obsessed with me staying away from her? She’s a friend, Calum!”“A friend?” Calum sneered. “You’re scum. You’re a piece of shit and she doesn’t need a friend like you.”Luke blew breath out of his nostrils and clenched his fists. “Well, that’s not your decision. You don’t own her.”“Yeah, well, I’m protecting my family,” Calum argued back.“From what? Me?” Luke scoffed. “I did nothing wrong and you know it.”“Really, Luke? Because from what I can recall, you were the one who started all those things.”His patience finally broke, Luke stood, forcing Calum to rise, too. “Calum, for the last god damned time, I have done nothing to you, you are not a victim of anything!” Luke yelled. He took steps forward and Calum backed away. Luke grabbed Calum by his shirt collar, forcing him at his eye level after years tensed with frustration.Luke spoke in a low, harsh whisper. “You need to let things go, and get your shit together. Because pretty fucking soon, I will not keep covering for you. You’ve never deserved it! And you wanna know why I haven’t? Because I have a little fucking respect! So you need to grow up and stop with your delusions. You’re not a victim of anything!” Luke’s voice rose as he spoke. By the time he finished, he was shouting. Calum hadn’t even tried to interrupt him. For the first time, he was the one frozen with fear, shocked at Luke’s snapping patience.“You’re constantly in my face trying to make me seem like a bad guy. But, you don’t get to do that. And don’t drag Elliana into it, either,” Luke let out a sarcastic laugh. “And you know what, I think we should remember correctly who exactly kissed who. I’m done being your punching bag. Beat yourself up.” Luke realized his knuckles had turned white from his grip on Calum’s shirt. He shoved Calum, releasing his grip on him. Calum just stared at him as he staggered backwards, notes of fear and shock written in his eyes.The day after Luke’s outburst, Calum had retaliated. He wouldn’t have Luke spreading anything about what happened, or rather what he thought happened. Not after everything he'd done.Neither of them would admit that they were being ridiculous. Luke told himself Calum was just irrational. If he had a genuine reason for hating him, he didn’t understand it. He hadn’t done anything to hurt him. Elliana wanted to be his friend. Sure, there was what happened between him and Calum in past, but Luke had gotten over whatever happened. Clearly Calum held a grudge. It shouldn’t have mattered now that they were practically adults. But, the past still lingered, and Calum’s bitterness about it tethered him to Luke.Regardless, Calum’s mom Joy had him on house arrest. No phone—she’d taken that to work with her. No X-Box. No keys. He couldn’t go to football practice. He just stared at the ceiling, his only company a rubber ball he’d found under his bed. The thud of the ball echoed through his room, the only thing to cut his miserable forced solitude and drown out his persistent thoughts.
“I think we should remember correctly who exactly it was who kissed who.”
The memory of the words stung just as much as when Luke first said them. For the first time, Luke was furious at him. He was disgusted by him and fed up. Calum had never felt so exposed, so seen. Luke still remembered all of Calum’s secrets and the things that he swore to never tell. At 10, Luke had known Calum better than anyone else, and now he struggled to think that Luke probably still did. And more importantly, Luke kept his promise. And his words hinted at the truth Calum had buried so deep in his memory that it had gotten mixed up. He threw the ball even harder at wall. It ricocheted back, hitting him, and he just let it roll away, defeated.He knew he was lying when he told himself it was Luke who’d been the one to cross boundaries. But, the fear of the truth turned into rage. He twisted the truth because it was easy to blame Luke. And his version of the truth was all he could see when he looked at him. He beat him until he nearly passed out, leaving him bloody and bruised and alone. He spread rumors, convincing everyone Luke was the one to blame. It was easier. Because then how could he feel shame for something he hadn’t even started? Something that his friend had done to him. Luke was the one to somehow ruin him.The thought of Luke made him throw the ball even harder. It ricocheted off the wall, hitting him, and he just let it roll away, defeated. How could he ever forget his first kiss? For the first time, Calum made himself replay the truth in his mind. Calum’s room had been their sanctuary. They laughed, shared secrets, played games and no adults were around to hear. It was just an impulse. Calum had seen his dad kiss one of his closest friends, so why couldn’t he do the same? Back then, Luke was Calum’s closest friend. He didn’t even think before he asked. The thought of kissing Luke had bubbled up inside of him for days. So, when they were alone in his room, the words just escaped from him.Luke, at first, was so confused. He went with it, though, because he had always supported Calum. It was just part of letting Calum be Calum. He didn’t laugh or ask questions. He just let Calum lead because he trusted him. A simple kiss wouldn’t change anything between them.But, in Calum’s mind, the memory rotted, souring his friendship with hatred. When he finally got the courage to ask his dad about him kissing his own friend, his dad made him promise that he wouldn’t say anything. If he did, bad things would happen. People would get hurt. People would say things about him that weren’t true. They wouldn't be a family anymore. Putting all his trust into his father, Calum took his word. He suppressed his feelings for Luke with hatred and disgust. If anyone ever questioned him about it—which no one did—it was not his fault. The reality crept up his neck and choked him. Luke was undeserving of the violence Calum inflicted upon him.The only one who wanted that kiss was the one who asked for it. It was Calum.It made him sick. The weight of his recollection of uncalled for violence against his once-friend. Luke hadn’t brought it up then. It was Calum's idea. Yet, he fought Luke to believe his version of the truth. But, the real truth had been undeniable all along. Now, it was blatantly unavoidable.He couldn’t handle it. The guilt made his chest buzz and hurt, his throat closing in on itself. He needed to leave the site of his confinement, the echo camber of his bedroom, for an escape. He grabbed his sister’s car keys.Calum drove. He knew Elliana would realize that the car was missing, but he didn’t care. The adrenaline and anxiety made him only want to drive faster down the roads he knew. He blasted the music, but didn’t pay any mind to it. He needed to find some way to make sense of the mess he fought so hard to create.He drove without direction. His mind was focused only on driving down the roads he knew, knuckles white as he gripped the steering wheel. He parked on the street and started walking to the house with the white outside and maroon roof that he hadn’t been to in years. He didn’t fully understand why he’d led himself here—or maybe he did, but couldn’t admit it. He no longer trusted his own thoughts. Now, anything could be a distorted story he’d told himself just to avoid the guilt of his real feelings. He brought a shaking fist to the door and knocked on it.It took a few moments. He could just turn around, get back in the car, and pretend he didn’t just waste all of that gas. It would be easier to just continue on the way he had. Pretend that this whole thing was just nothing. Tell himself that Luke was wrong, silencing him, though he hadn’t spoken up about it. Besides, he hadn’t confronted this part of himself yet, so putting it off, distracting himself, having sex with girls who thought they knew the real him like Delilah would be routine. But, before he could do anything, someone came to the door. Through the glass of the screen door, Calum recognized him. He looked mostly the same, but his facial hair was darker, more full. He was older now. Maybe he was more mature. Maybe he’d grown up to deal with all the chaos he’d incited in Calum’s life. He held his gaze. The shame and self-blame he’d last felt when he saw him as a boy immediately stormed his thoughts.The unease was shared between the man inside and Calum. “C-Calum?” the man inside asked, recognition tainted with panic written all over his face. He didn’t know why Calum was there, but in some way, he’d been expecting him. Anticipating the moment he would come looking for him. This was it.
Calum nodded. Looking at the man made Calum feel like a stranger in the place he’d grown up in. He’d made promises to protect this man, there was no denying that now. But, he’d also suffered because of him. His impulsive decision to get in a car and drive led him here. He stood face-to-face with the secret he’d kept for years. Part of him hoped he would shut the door on him. Turn him away so Calum could leave things unaddressed as they were. The burn of his curiosity, all the unanswered questions that he’d been forbidden to ask rose from his throat to his face. He couldn’t force himself to say anything. He could just look for guilt or regret in the man’s eyes. He saw sorrow. But, both of them had to deal with the consequences of getting what they wanted. The man invited him inside.It was once his childhood home. Everything felt different than what it had been when he was a child. It was the place where his friendship with Luke blossomed and ended.The man standing before him wasn’t the one he had braced himself to see. Calum realized that he had to say something. “Is he here?”“No. He’s working. He’ll be home in about an hour if-”“No,” Calum interrupted. Maybe it was better this way. He didn’t know if he was ready to actually face his father yet. “It’s fine, I don’t want to stay long. I just…” He stared at the ground, looking anywhere but at his step-dad. He didn’t know what to say. Questions riddled his mind, but he didn’t even know where to start. He hadn’t prepared or even given a thought to what he would say or do or ask. But he ached for answers, something that would help him understand what was happening to him. The silence in the room rang in his ears. When Calum finally looked up again, his stepdad looked just as uncomfortable as he did. The man said nothing. He looked at Calum with a nervous intensity. Calum hadn’t even considered that he’d been shocked by his presence, too. Calum finally spoke up. "How did you know?”The man didn’t know what he was expecting. Maybe it was anger or disgust. Perhaps he was more equipped to deal with disappointment. He cleared his throat. “Know what?” the man asked, eyebrows furrowed together, and head tilted. Nervousness--fear, even--still lived in his eyes. He could hardly steady his breathing. It seemed like every breath stayed trapped in his chest, making it expand until he would pop. A thousand possibilities as to what Calum could say ran through his mind faster than he could fixate on any one of them.“About yourself? About my dad? How?”The man uncomfortably wrung his hands. An accusatory “why” or “how could you do this to me and my family?” would have been easier to answer. He’d already answered those questions before. “Look, Calum I know it’s been a while, and I can understand if you’re upset-”Calum shook his head. “No, no. How did you guys know you were gay?” The older guy’s face relaxed some. “Why did you guys decide to be that way?”He swallowed and kept a cautious gaze on Calum, unable to determine if his shaking voice was out of anger or a desperate curiosity, but his intuition leaned toward the latter. The genuine curiosity was a relief, though his heart still beat all the way up in his ears. “Aha, well sit down, mate. This might be…easier if we’re both more comfortable.”He led Calum the couch. The house no longer felt the same to Calum. He hadn’t been here after he and his mom left. “So, you wanna know how I knew?” Calum nodded. “Well, really, I didn’t. Not at first.”“What do you mean?” Calum leaned in. The intrigue pounded in his chest. He wanted to know the answer, but so desperately didn’t want to hear it. What if it did make things clearer? He'd have to deal with that.“It’s hard to explain.” His stepdad cleared his throat and smiled as the memory came back to him. “But, when I was younger, like 17 or so, there was this boy on my football team. And when I say this, I mean it, but this boy was beautiful. He was fit and muscular and funny. He had this curly dark brown hair and he was tall with long legs-a dream guy, really…“Anyway, we became friends. Really close friends. We went to parties together and went to each other’s houses. All the normal stuff, you know. But, I felt something for him that I…" he shrugged and wrung his hands. "I couldn’t explain it. Couldn’t name it. I was so jealous of him. And he’d hang out with this girl and they got close. I mean, we were close, but she was closer to him than I ever could be. I was just miserable about it.” He shook his head and sighed, but a smile hinted across his face. “The more they hung out, the more I just wanted his attention. I’d do anything, all kinds of dumb shit. Just so that his eyes were on me.“It worked for a bit, but she was just in the way. And I couldn’t really figure out why I hated seeing them together so much. And, the worst part was that they stayed together, too. So, I just tried to do ‘right’ by me. I ignored the feelings I had for him because I couldn’t name them and I couldn’t understand them. So, I figured if I needed to know, then I’d know it right away—have it figured out from the jump. But, it confused me so I told myself it meant nothing.” Calum’s pulse ticked. He knew that gnawing feeling. It had drove him here while he didn’t even think. “I dated—if you could call it that—a few girls, but they were just…distractions, I guess. Like, breaking up with them was so much more relieving than being with them. As it turns out, he--my friend--got married to his girlfriend pretty much right outta high school. They had a kid and they seemed so in love, and everything was just perfect for them." He pursed his lips, as if the frustration was still lingering. He didn't dwell on it, though. He continued speaking, not wanting to stay in the painful memory. "But, I couldn’t turn it off. I couldn’t turn my feelings off. I could distract myself, but…” he shrugged. “They were relentless. And the whole time, I just…suffered in silence, I guess. I’d rather die than get in between him and his family, you know? At least, I thought that until this guy comes over to my house one day at three in the morning. I don’t remember what, but he was just… drunk and upset about something. And I was his friend. So I’d do anything for him. I let him in. He’d have some fight with his wife, and it was killing me… Killing me to hear him talk about her. Because I could do so much better. But then he said to me, ‘I need someone who’s like my best friend,’ and I was a dumbass--excuse my language--I didn’t know what he was talking about. But, then he kissed me… and fast-forward now we’re married.” He didn’t speak for a moment, lost in the nostalgia. Without looking down, he twisted the wedding band in circles around his finger, the twinge of something else besides nostalgia behind his voice. Calum absorbed his story. Understanding crept up on him, making his worst childhood memories shine in a new light.“What I’m trying to say is that I didn’t know. Not until I was 18 and hating your mom because I was completely jealous of her. So how I knew isn’t how you will know,” he guessed. “Just experiment. Give yourself some grace. See what you like and what you don’t. And from there, just decide what feels right. But, never be afraid to learn.”Calum stayed silent, absorbing the story. He’d never gotten to talk to him after he became his stepdad, so he’d never heard this version of the story before. This version he could sympathize with. His heart, once filled with hatred and bitterness towards the two men—one of whom had abandoned him and his mother—now ached for them.Calum’s voice was a whisper, softer than he’d intended. “How do I even do that?”His stepdad hesitated. “There’s this center. It might be a club. I know they have teen nights on Fridays. It’s for people your age,” he explained. “It might be a good place to meet other people. Figure things out, without pressure. It’s a bit away from here, but that means no one you know will be there.”“I-is it one of those clubs?” Calum hesitantly asked.If not for the delicacy of the situation, his stepdad would have laughed at him. “Yes, it’s a gay club. I haven’t been in so long… In like, 10 years, but I’m sure there’ll be a bunch of gay boys. At least, there were when I was.”Calum nodded, uncertain. Maybe it was too much too fast. But, the idea of being away from everyone he knew. Even just for a night. If it would help him loosen the squeezing in his chest, then maybe it was worth it.“Okay,” he nodded. “Okay. I think, I’ll uh, go now.”With one foot left in the entryway, Calum turned around, looking at his stepdad. “Thank you,” he said. It was strange and unexpected, but the words were sincere. His stepdad placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze, grounding Calum before he turned away.
Calum sat in his parked car for a while. For a moment, he forgot about the pressure living in his chest. He was free of it.
But it was simply replaced with confusion circulating in his head.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Joy had given Calumhim hell when he got home from seeing his stepdad. He couldn’t actually tell her where he was. Not even the piercing glare she shot at him over her thin glasses could get that truth out of him.Her car was parked in the garage when he pulled up to his house. He thought about just driving away. Waiting to come back until it was late at night and everyone else was asleep. But that would only make it worse. She’d go ballistic thinking he was missing, and he’d be in even more shit.She was still in her work clothes—a pinstripe skirt suit—looking through case files spread out over the dining room table. With enough hope, the lights were dimmed just enough for him not to be seen.He could just dash across the entry way, sneak by her against the unlit wall, and…“Calum Thomas Hood!”Her voice was steady, but Calum was familiar with the subtleties of the anger laced through it. She hadn’t even looked up at him. Just sensed him.Well, it was worth a shot. If only it had worked…“I thought,” she started, taking off her glasses, and finally turning to face him where he stood mid-sneak half in the threshold between the dining and living rooms. “I told you not to leave this house. Where were you?”He would’ve preferred any other question.Immediately his mind started conjuring lies to get him out of this.Because even if he told her the truth—which was doubtful at best—she would never believe him anyway.But what did he have to lose?“I was at…dad’s.” He nearly choked on the word he hadn’t said in so long.She didn’t say anything, but just looked at him, scanning his face and waiting for him to keep talking and spiraling further into whatever lie he was telling—one of her lawyer tactics she started using to interrogate him.When she seemingly found no trace of dishonesty, her look didn’t soften. She had no choice but to believe him, Calum thought. It was a rare moment he was actually telling the truth—however unbelievable it sounded.“Well…” She wasn’t exactly pissed… “How is he?” …But she wasn’t exactly appeased.Calum shrugged. “Wasn’t there. Talked to Leon instead.”He braced himself for her to get all…disgruntled—crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes at him.In her mind, Leon was a disgrace—the man who ruined her first marriage. Who broke apart her family and tore her son from his dad.“Well, what did he have to say?”Calum muttered, “Nothing,” as he shrugged again. He couldn’t tell if the mention of Leon’s name disgusted her or if she actually believed him. As far as she knew, Calum never wanted to see his dad or Leon again. She’d given him that choice when he was a kid. Every time, he said he had no reason to see him anymore.And Calum did believe that. Right up until he put himself outside of his old house. Their house.He even shared the crass judgments that Joy had made of his dad and Leon that long ago. When both of their anger at themhim was still fresh. When Calum had to accept that his family was now broken apart. The three of them would never be together again, and he was leaving everything he ever knew.She just looked at him. “So, you and him talked about…nothing?” She crossed her arms, leaning against the threshold and looked at him expectantly.Calum scratched at the back of his neck. “Yeah. Whatever,” he said under his breath. Wasn’t it enough that he’d told the truth already? Couldn’t that be enough for her? But he knew it wasn’t. No, she’d want to know everything.“No!” Her arms fell by her sides. “No, Calum, it’s not whatever. You took the car. When I distinctly told you not to. So why were you there?”“Because, Mom!” His pulse started pounding in his neck, and his jaw clenched itself together. “You got me trapped in my room with nothing but my thoughts, Mom. You’re never really even here, and Ed doesn’t really give a damn about me. I had to get out of here. Talk to someone who would actually care.”He didn’t know why he was saying all that—if it was just to get his mom off his back, or if he really meant it. The relief after he said it made it feel like both.This time, her look at him was a little dumbfounded. Like he’d struck her. She sighed and said nothing for a moment. The tension of Calum’s words still hanging between them.He thought she would do the quiet aggressive thing she usually did—not yelling at him, but still wearing him down. But she didn’t. She gave him a slight curt nod, turned and dismissed him with a quiet, slightly passive, “Go to your room.”He about-faced and stayed in his room for the rest of the night. When the Friday after three weeks of damn-near house arrest came, Joy was finally gracious enough to let Calum free, and he wouldn’t do anything to make her change her mind. He was officially allowed back on school grounds, so he was also officially allowed to go out.He was beyond ready for his first real night of freedom. He could be with his friends again. Though his conversation with Leon was still lingering in his mind. He was still ruminating on everything he had said. Everything that led him to drive there in the first place.If he could just try to let the acceptance of it all outweigh the dread, he could go back to normal. Back to when he had no secrets to hide. When he felt like he didn’t reek of a stench that he couldn’t even name. He could avoid going back to that dark place his solitude led him where he was crushed by despair.He needed something to feel normal again.What he needed, he thought, was to get absolutely drunk.Even though he couldn’t really stand them, the Irwin party was the perfect place for that. He would never have to look at the four walls of his bedroom again when he could put up with staying with Isaac and Ashton—at least, for the weekend.Calum tried to avoid the Irwin brothers as much as possible when Elliana wasn’t around and he was sober. He didn’t want to be friends with them. He didn’t trust Isaac, and Ashton...Calum was just indifferent to Ashton. He didn’t care about Calum, and the feeling was mutual. They had no reason to talk, except for getting cheap beer. Ashton was a year ahead of them and 18 already, so he got them all of the alcohol. Isaac knew people—he knew everybody at school, actually. So, when it came to their parties, it was easy to blend in with the crowd and avoid them.He just put up with them when he got there because usually, it was what Elliana wanted, or rather what she facilitated.It would have to suffice. At this point, anything was better than staying home another weekend. He would spend this weekend with them, then, things would have to go back to their regular routine.But he didn’t have to think about that right now.For the first time in weeks, he would think about…well, absolutely nothing, really. Just the freedom he would have outside of his confinement.So he didn’t wait for Elliana to go with him like he usually did. She would be fine without him. Lauren or Delilah could give her a ride if she wanted to go.Delilah, Calum thought during the drive there. He hadn’t given her really any thought after he left her house. She knew she would be at the Irwin’s with his stepsister. She always was.Calum this time would be painfully aware of her looking at him from afar. The way she would look up at him through her long, fake lashes and blink real slowly.He wouldn’t do it this time, though. He wouldn’t give into the shallow urges. No matter how badly he could convince himself he wanted it—wanted her.She was just a distraction, he knew that. He’d known that since the first time they hooked up, but this time…This time, he would tell her the truth.They both deserved that much. She did, at least, even if he didn’t.He didn’t know what had changed, but he knew that he could no longer pretend to like her. He no longer had to pretend to like her. His conversation with Leon had at least cleared that bit up.The pit in Calum’s stomach faded away as he pulled his truck into the driveway of the Irwins’ house. He hadn’t seen them in three weeks, which was basically forever. By the time he made it to their house, the sun was just starting to set and the thrill of his release grew along with the darkening sky.The door at the back of the driveway was unlocked like it usually was. He went downstairs, barging into the basement to find Ashton and Isaac in their usual positions. Isaac already had a beer open sitting next to his controller and the game he played was paused. Ashton sat on the couch, scrolling on his phone. Not paying attention to anything Isaac was doing. When Calum barged in, Ashton was the first to react.“He’s alive!” Ashton yelled melodramatically, locking his phone and putting it down on the table. “In the flesh!”"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Calum rolled his eyes but chuckled anyways. “I made it out.”“Long time no see. How was solitary confinement?” Isaac asked. He picked the controller up again and resumed the game.He could never tell them the truth. What would he even say? ‘Yeah, I had a mental breakdown because I used to kiss Luke the guy that we beat up so I went to see my gay stepdad because I’m probably gay and a huge hypocrite?’ As if.Instead, he settled on, “Boring. Long.” Isaac handed him a beer, and Calum took it gladly. The top popped as he opened it, and he chugged half of it just standing there. “I need to get drunk ASAP.”“My man! Mate, we’ve gotta get you wasted.” Ashton dapped him up. “And laid,” he added as an afterthought. He looked up from his phone at Calum for his reaction.Calum rolled his eyes at the word, but none of the other two boys knew that. “Nah.” He chuckled. “Save the laid. I just need to get drunk.”“You? Don’t wanna get laid? What did Joy do to you, man?” Isaac turned and faced Calum.“Or is it Delilah?” Ashton joined in, raising an eyebrow and grinning. “Didn’t think you were serious about her.”Calum busied himself, taking another long sip of the beer, and moving over to the table to open another. He looked at Ashton who peered at him over the dimming screen of his phone.“Definitely not. Just…” He scrambled for words. He sipped from the beer, drinking as much of it as he could to fill the rigid silence in the air that he felt in his chest. He could lie again. Blame it on something else. But he definitely couldn’t tell the two straightest guys he knew that he had never really enjoyed the sex. That it wasn’t something he ever really wanted, just something he did.Isaac had picked up the control again and continued his game, but Ashton glanced up at him again, and Calum caught his eye. He wasn’t mocking him, but his look seemed…Calum didn’t have the word for it. Speculative, maybe?“…Dunno. It just wasn’t that good last time,” he settled on. It was vague enough and not exactly a lie. It kept enough of the pressure off him for now. He wouldn’t give either of them a reason to suspect anything of him, Calum thought. Besides, he had no reason to believe Ashton suspected anything.But there was something in the way he looked at him—like he was seeing the something Calum didn’t want anyone to notice. Ashton’s gaze lingered on him just a little too long. It wasn’t the suspicion that seemed to be there, but the…intensity of it that made Calum’s skin feel too tight with Ashton’s hazel gaze on him.He crushed the now-empty can and reached for another, hoping the alcohol would fade his thoughts.“That’s cold, mate,” Ashton finally said.
***
The music blared from the Irwin house. Cars lined the street. The fairy-lit backyard was sticky and littered with beer cans and ashes.Calum was thoroughly drunk. He didn’t talk to anyone in particular tonight. He let himself sway to the music. He craved the feeling of the alcohol pulsing through his veins and clouding his mind.And being around people—finally—put him in the familiar space he occupied amongst everyone at school. He needed to be around people who saw him as still the same Calum. People were frightened of him. He towered over almost everyone, even his friends, and he was muscular from working out and football. He liked it that way. That way, no one could tell the secret that was eating him alive on the inside.And at the very least, Ashton and Isaac didn’t ask questions, and he was grateful for that. Because tonight, he wanted to forget. To laugh. To drown in the noise of it all. He needed to feel normal—whatever that meant now.Calum poured back beer after beer, now on his sixth.But still he couldn’t forget that his last weekend had been real. That it wasn’t just something between a dream and a nightmare. He had actually visited Leon. He had actually considered that he was gay instead of pushing it so far down into his subconscious the thought didn’t exist anymore. He guessed that’s what he had done actually. It just never stayed down. Or he’d shoved it so far down that it came up in another part of his brain.Even as he popped open a seventh beer, he still couldn’t stop feeling that creeping anxiety that lingered from his visit with Leon.He needed somewhere quieter, somewhere he could just…be not so stuck in his head. Or in his stomach, either for that matter.He slipped inside the house, weaving through the all the bodies, until he found himself inside.But he needed to get away from the music. The basement reeked of beer. The couch had been pushed against the wall, making space for as many people to cram themselves in as possible. The TV showed songs playing from someone’s—Isaac’s phone. Tonight, he had offered to sacrifice it to play DJ. Most of the people were out in the backyard, but a few lingered inside, refilling drinks, talking, making out on the couch in the unlit corner. In line for the downstairs bathroom, or warming up from the December chill that lingered outside. Calum weaved through the few people still in the basement and made his way upstairs.He’d been here so many times he knew where the bedrooms were. He’d probably be sleeping in Isaac’s room that night, so he went immediately for his room. He pushed the handle down. Even in his growing stupor, he was still careful. The lights in the room were dim, but not completely off. The short hall that opened into the bedroom hid him, though the echoed music followed. He crept forward like he expecting something to jump out at him.For a moment—before he fully emerged from the hall—he thought that he was just too drunk and seeing things.But he recognized Isaac. His ashen brown curly hair. His skin. His build. Even if the room was dimly lit. It was unmistakably him.Who he didn’t recognize was the girl beneath him, braless as Isaac kissed up and down her neck.There wasn’t enough light in the hall to come into the room. Maybe they were too drunk to notice Calum standing there. Calum himself was too drunk to be fully shocked at what he saw.There was no denying how drunk he was. Maybe that was why he did what he did.Without thinking, Calum took a fuzzy picture of Isaac. The whole time he didn’t look up. But it was his face that was visible in the picture. He towered over the girl beneath him. But it was still him. Without a doubt. Calum held the proof of it in his hands.Without saying a word, Calum shut the door. His stomach churned as he, headed for Ashton’s room down the hall instead. His thoughts were a tangled mess.He hadn’t meant to take the picture. He wasn’t even sure why he had.All he knew was that the proof was there, trembling in his hand.