Work Text
Sadie always felt uncomfortable whenever her grandparents brought up her father, or her brother.
There’s a not so subtle tone to their voices that has given her an unease for as long as she could remember. A resentment, a distaste, and an expectation for her to be the same, as she’s separated from them. All because she’s “different” from her father and brother. She’s like her grandparent, like her mother, not like
them,
which they say with a distasteful voice. A voice of resentment.
Sadie isn’t stupid. She hadn’t been stupid when they took her in.
Only
her, and not Carter, as they forced the separation of two siblings. Between her and her father, she was quickly excluded from her family. While her grandparents excluded
them
in return.
There was always talk about how she was different from them. How the three of them are living in a different world from Carter and dad. How Sadie is not
like them,
and had to learn how to behave and grow up good. Grow up like mom.
According to her grandparents, the only way for Sadie to be safe, was to be cut off from them. From the vile, from the dangerous, from the
foreign.
Making her barely allowed to see them, as they’re slowly turned into strangers with the same last name.
Sadie is on her own. Confused and shackled. Feeling such disconnect from her own family. Forcibly taken by others who say they’re her family, yet refuse to accept the ones she has the closest blood ties to.
She’s separated from them. Not by choice, never by choice. She barely even remembers when it started, but she does remember the confusion and isolation. Of being torn apart, suddenly stuck with them, and suddenly realizing that she has to be someone she’s not, even as a young child. Because even as a young child, she had easily been able to see the thinly veiled racism directed at her dad and Carter. It was there in every word they spoke to them at every meeting, and every time they were brought up in conversation when they were absent.
And Sadie had to hear it all.
They said they did it in an attempt to
save
her. Save her from
them.
They were a bad influence, she would be in danger, she could never relate to them anyway. She was like Ruby, the rest of the family was not. They said she should be grateful that she was like Ruby, because it could give her a chance of
normalcy
that her brother and father never could have.
They were saving her. Saving her from people like them.
Those people
that they talked about, being her own family.
But it’s clear that her grandparents didn’t see it that way. Didn’t consider them family. In their eyes, Sadie was like Ruby, and therefore was family to them. Her dad and Carter didn’t belong. They only claimed Sadie. She was family, Carter was not, even if the same blood flowed through their veins. It was their appearances that made Sadie be claimed, but Carter was not. He was too much like dad, while she looked
nothing
like dad, giving her acceptance. Conditional acceptance, as they tried to tell her that her family wasn’t her family, because she was an outsider, she was
normal
unlike them. They weren’t fit to be together.
She’s nothing like them, they said.
She’s nothing like those dangerous and unlikable people. She’s nothing like them in any way. They said it as a statement of relief. As something she should be proud of. They wanted her to be proud of looking like the outsider in her family, because according to her grandparents, she was nothing like her dad, or her brother.
But she
was.
She was just like them, even if it didn’t physically show.
Sadie had to sit there. Be trapped with her grandparents. Hearing all of the racist remarks, the racist “justifications” for their behavior. Trying to make the separation appear normal, for the resentment to be normal. It was speak of saviorism, how they were excited about being able to “save” the one grandchild who “could” be saved. The one who didn’t “have to be corrupted” because “those people” were too dangerous, the wrong sort, and a bad influence for “people like her.”
In their words, she should be happy that they’re giving her an opportunity to be forcibly distanced from her family. She should be happy and grateful that her grandparents had accepted her, because she looked close enough to her mother, or rather, she was white enough to be accepted.
Her father and brother lived a bad life. They were the wrong sort of people. She should be happy that she’s being saved from any of that. Because she would have her life ruined if she stayed with them, according to her grandparents. A life like them is not a proper and safe life for a girl like her.
They see her as Ruby, as her mother. They erase any part of her father, or her brother from her, even if their blood is the same. They erase them, wanting to cut the ties between them, in a way to pretend that Sadie isn’t related to them. They want Sadie to start to think they didn’t exist as they grew apart, while “accepting” the help.
It’s eating her up alive, making her scared and confused.
Sadie doesn’t know who she is.
She’s stuck between worlds. Forced apart from her family, feeling like an outsider. And the other family taking care of her is forcing her to deny and hide parts of who she is. All because she doesn’t look like it.
Sadie is sure that if she hadn’t looked so much like mom, that they would have never taken her in. Because what was the point of “rescuing” a child like her, if she was just as wrong, with no chance of being rescued just like Carter? Hence, it was the color of her skin. She could tell from the choices of words.
She isn’t loved, not properly. They love her for how she looks, and not who she is. She knows they consider half the blood in her veins to be poison, to be inferior. To be a shame. They want it to be something she hides and ignores, because she “had been lucky enough to be born looking normal.”
But it’s Sadie’s biggest curse.
When she actually gets to spend time with dad and Carter, she looks like an outsider in her own family. She looks nothing like them. No one ever believes her, or them, when they tell people that they’re related. A “white girl” like her can’t be Julius’ daughter. She can’t have a black brother like Carter, at least not a full sibling, which they are. People don’t believe them.
Carter looks like dad. They have each other. Sadie has no one. She’s like them, but she doesn’t
look
like it. Not one bit.
She’s supposed to be half black. But she knows nothing of her family, or her culture, and people would never believe her. She’d have to be careful, to not overstep, to make sure people didn’t accuse her of appropriation, because
of course
they wouldn’t believe that her family is black. Of course they wouldn’t. Especially when she didn’t know anything about that side of her, with her grandparents pushing those parts of her away. Those are bad parts, bad traits, and she needs to embrace the “normal” traits. The white traits.
But that doesn’t feel normal either. She’s white, yes. Her skin is white too. She's not denying that, because she is white. But she's white in a black family, she is mixed, but not visibly so. And next to her grandparents, she doesn’t
feel
white. Not in the way they do, as they talk so casually and negatively about her family, as if they’re denying her blood, and her family. It makes her feel like an outsider in both groups. She’s mixed, but she doesn’t even
look
mixed. She feels no belonging to one side, and no belonging to the other either, even when she looks completely the same. Because she has the internal dread and confusion.
Of how she’s treated. Of what she’s lost. Of who she is.
She barely knows. All she knows is that she’s not who her grandparents are expecting her to be.
They say she’s ont the same as the others. But she is. It’s just not shown. And she’s afraid that she’ll be discarded just the same when they realize they “can’t save her.” She’s afraid that she’ll have no one, as she had grown up in such a conditional environment.
Who would even be there for her? She doesn’t know.
All she knows is that she’s confused. And she wonders if she'll ever have an answer to any of this.