Work Text
November. A Monday, 07:35am
The alarm goes off. It’s the first time, so Sophia doesn't really care for it. She turns around in her bed and goes back to sleep.
August. A Sunday, 06:00pm.
Stella is sitting on a grey blanket on the dark brown wooden floor of her flat. She’s staring out of the two windows opposite from her. The sky is grey and cloudy. A few hours ago it rained but she didn’t really notice then. She was too busy with painting.
Minutes ago she finished eating and an episode of her favourite series is playing on her phone. But she doesn’t pay that much attention either. Stella looks down and takes in the scene on the floor. Scattered around are little colourful stones and behind them is the stable she built together not long ago.
It was a gift.
She looks up and out of the windows again. The sky is still grey and cloudy. Her mind starts to wonder.
“Why?” Stella asks herself. Like so many times before. “Why him?” Tears form in her eyes.
It’s the best and the worst to think about Jayce.
It began when she was really down, feeling like sh*t and he was there. Jayce listened and didn’t run away.
June. A Tuesday, 00:45am
A notification on her display. A message came through.
A picture and a simple sentence in greeting. Why did he send it? Stella doesn’t know. Maybe Jayce just wanted to make sure everything is alright. The day before she hadn’t felt that great.
No matter why he did it, it lifted her spirits. No one would understand how much.
August. A Friday, around noon
Stella and Jayce alongside Mia, Jayce’s girlfriend and Jonathan, a good friend of both Stella and Jayce were classmates. It was their last year at High School and Stella had just moved into her first flat. As promised, Jayce would come over and Stella gave him the keys to her flat. While secretly handing over the keys in the cafeteria, her hands were trembling. She doesn’t know if he noticed.
At first, it mostly was to make sure he could enter when she probably wouldn’t hear the doorbell. Since she wasn’t good at dealing with being alone, she often uses headphones to quiet out the noises outside her music.
But now weeks have passed and she doesn’t really want the keys back. Although Jayce mentioned the keys twice by now, Stella just said that she remembers him having them.
Some people might think it’s strange but for Stella it means safety. To know that someone she trusts with her whole heart (more than her family and friends) would come looking for her if something goes wrong. That’s why she doesn’t want them back.
July. A Friday, around 09:00pm
She was over at his place. They talked and later Mia, Jonathan and a handful other classmates joined them. During the evening something clicks. It happened so fast that Stella had to gasp for air. “Oh no” she thinks. It never has happened to her before. Not once.
It was dark in the garden, above two or three bats were flying and only a little lamp on the desk gave away a bit of light. Mia, Jonathan and the others were talking to each other but Stella didn’t listen. She had a little figure in her hand which was given to her earlier and she looked up. Jayce was already looking at her and intentional or not, the low light had a special effect. She looked down again, her hands were shaking so much.
Since this moment, Jayce lives in Stella’s mind rent-free.
When she returned home later that same evening, she wrote a little something…
Not free, they said
“I like you,” she said.
“I like you, too,” he said.
“No,” she said. “I l-i-k-e you.”
“Oh,” he said.
“Yes,” she said.
“But,” he said, “you-” he paused. “I’m not free,” he said.
“I know,” she said. “But-,” she paused.
“But what,” he said.
“But it doesn’t change how I feel,” she said. “You came into my life when everyone turned away or left.
You listened when the others stopped listening.
You make me laugh when I feel like crying.
You comfort me when I cry.
You send messages even in the middle of the night just to make sure I’m alright.
You’re what I need although I didn’t know it would be you.”
She paused and looked him in the eyes.
“It’s not easy for me to meet new people and to connect with them, believe me. But you’re all I’ve ever dreamed of.
You’re my first thought in the morning and the last one before I go to sleep,” she said.
“Wow,” he said. “That’s a lot and uhm- like thank you?!” he said.
“Yeah,” she said.
“I’m very sorry but - I’m not free,” he said.
“I know,” she said. “Neither am I.”
~~~~~
“My dear heart, why him?” Stella asks herself again and again. She’s losing weight and sleep and restless she walks outside during the night.
“You have a crush!” a friend of hers squealed when Stella talked about Jayce.
“No,” Stella answered.
“Yes, you do. Do you?” the friend asked.
“No,” she replies again.
“Maybe-” she whispers. Late at night when she’s alone in her flat. “Jayce’s quite an eye catcher, I won’t deny it. But that’s not all. It’s the inside I really like. Because, you know…”
There she stops because they wouldn’t understand it. No matter who she would talk to.
October. A Sunday, 05:00pm
Jayce came over. After a very long time. Finally, when Stella would be asked.
He’s the only one who really knows her flat. There was a moment when he sat down and her heart went out through the window. He looked so comfortable and so right and so ‘forever’ in this chair.
October. It’s Sunday, 11:00pm
Stella decides to write Jayce a letter.
~~~~~
Jayce, dearest of all.
This letter goes out to you. It’s me telling you the things I would love to tell you in person but when you’re near, I’m speechless.
It began when you came to our High School. I already knew we had nearly the exact same timetable and we were in so many classes together. When I went through the cafeteria with some friends in late Winter, we looked at each other but didn’t say a word. Not even ‘Hello’. Actually, we didn’t talk until late Spring. But you had me from the moment we locked eyes in the cafeteria.
It’s a weird feeling, y’know?! I never had this before. This feeling of inner balance and peace like when you’re around. That’s why I hate it so much when you visit your parents on the weekend. You’re not here, I can’t come to you and talk or cry or listen to your problems and thoughts. It’s driving me insane. But you don’t know that because I never told you.
I never was in love before, I never needed anyone as much as I need you. It scares the hell out of me.
You are awesome. You are kind. You are generous. You always try to see the good side of situations and people. You listen. You give advice. You make me laugh even when I feel like crying. You always (re)appear when I’m at my lowest and a single phrase or picture can make me fly high again. When your arms are around me I feel safe. And every single time you leave, I’m scared. And I cry. Because - what if you decide that I’m not worth it? That I never was and you leave?
Not being with you, wherever or whenever, not only creates heartache. It starts to hurt physically. But what can I do? Your hands are tied and I don’t know how to ask or tell you. Because I wasn’t in a situation like this before. Once again, I wrote a poem. Nowadays I do it quite a lot, so here is one of those which are related to you…
In the silent corners of my heart,
whispers of you softly play their tender part.
The sun may shine brightly in your eyes,
but I have to dance in shadows, telling everybody lies.
Your laugh echoes like a sweet refrain,
as, in silence, I gather up dreams wrapped in pain.
Every glance is a treasure, each smile a spark,
yet I'm dwelling in the stillness - alone in the dark.
You share your world, a place so bright,
moments in color into which my tiny bit of hope slides .
In the end tho I watch from the sidelines, a ghost of the night,
longing for dawn, but afraid of the light.
To a room full of people, I am nothing but a single beat,
a weird melody without a real beat.
You on the other hand gave me light, strength and dreams,
but oh, love's wicked pretense can be so unkind, it seems.
Of your passions and joys and fears you do speak,
greedily I'm listening, hiding the signs of being weak.
I care for you so deeply, so out of sight,
I believe you'll never gonna know, it's smothered by night.
Here’s to the quiet, the yearning, the fear,
to confess it all to you in person , my dear.
So I'll write it instead, pretending it makes me tough,
saying that in my heart there is a thing for you - and it's called love.
I wish the circumstances were different, I really do. I also know that I will never give you this letter. It stays hidden like all the things I would like to tell you or like the feelings I carry inside. Take care, Jayce.
Yours forever,
Stella
November. A Monday, 08:00am
The alarm goes off. For the second time already.
Sophia is lying in her bed, half asleep, half awake. She turns and lays on her back. She opens her eyes properly and looks up from the dark brown wooden floor beneath and out of the two windows opposite from her bed. The sky is grey and cloudy. And Sophia knows she needs to get up. Work is calling.
“What the hell?” she asks herself. “What kind of dream was that?” She shakes her head, unbelieving. Then she sits up and turns to her bedside table. There’s the alarm clock and there’s a frame. In it is a picture with the moon and the phrase >Like the moon I watch you from afar. Knowing your heart belongs to another star.<
She shakes her head again. There's this one person for her like Jayce is for Stella. Sophia looks up and out of the windows again. The sky is still grey and cloudy. She knows she has no choice and there will be another torturous day at work. Her mind starts to wonder.
“Why?” Sophia asks herself. Like so many times before tears form in her eyes.
“Why him?”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
January 7th, a Tuesday
It's cold in her room and normally she does like it but this morning Sophia pulls up a second blanket and tries to go to sleep again. The previous evening she cried a lot. Her neighbor even knocked on the door and asked if everything was alright. Sophia had nodded and closed the door.It started at work when they all were about to leave and she had to turn her head so her colleagues weren't able to see her already red and teary eyes. On her way home the first tears fell...
January, another Tuesday
It's nearly midnight and Stella knows she should be asleep already. But her mind is racing and when she closes her eyes, all the pictures and memories come flooding in. So much and at the same time nothing has happened.It's pathetic, really, but she can't concentrate. School is killing her, everything she picks up will fall down eventually. Out of the blue she has to inhale deep or shake her head to pull herself out of the eternal one way memorie lane. The smallest things will start it.So, it's nearly midnight and Stella knows she should be asleep already. But instead she gets up and moves over to her desk. They haven't spoken for real since sometime last year and Stella misses him. So very much. Again, she writes a letter.
My dear,
yes, it's me again. Writing to you because I really don't know anymore how to reach out to you with spoken words. You got my last letter and you must have read it according to the current situation. I'm beginning to think it was a mistake. Am I right?
You said you would talk to me and even though it might give the impression that I don't care, I'm waiting. I hope, that some day you'd come and say 'so, hey, about your letter...'
Being left in silence broke my heart and I don't know if I can ever fully recover but I'm here. Waiting. Just so you know. I said more with the previous letter than I've ever done before with someone. I would love to know if you're alright. If your 'babies' are alright. But I don't know if I would get a casual lie or the (bitter) truth when I ask. I'd love to hear the truth, no matter how painful it could be.
If you should have decided it's over, I respect that. Whatever this was. I'll cry but eventually the tears will dry.
If it was the last time we stood together, I'm glad we stood side by side.
If it was the last time we talked, I'm glad we weren't fighting.
If it was the last time we texted, I'm glad they were lovingly messages.
If it was the last time you said my name, I'm glad I heard your voice through all the talking.
If it was the last time we looked at each other, I'm glad it was with a smile.
If it was the last time we hugged, I'm glad it was more or less private because my face's betrayal would have been seen.
Actually, if we never see each other again, I'm glad I can take all these happy moments with me.
If I'm supposed to leave, I say 'thank you for the way you said goodbye'.
You're probably wondering why I write this instead of talking to you? You may have noticed that I can't say a proper 'hello' anymore. My voice would break even before the first letter is said. Anger, sadness and joy are mixed into a dangerous cocktail inside of me.
When one gets important to me, I try to never let go. With you it's different. I don't wanna crush you, so I give you space. But it feels like I'm losing you. I would love to send you a message and ask or tell you something but instead I delete what I began. Everytime. I don't know if I'm still allowed to do so. Something has changed and I wish I could turn back the clock and make us return to the carefree time.
Hopefully you will answer this and until then, I'll remain waiting in the shadows.
Yours truly,
S.
Stella puts down her pen and clicks off the light on her desk. She moves over to her bed again and lies down. She feels a bit lighter after writing it all down and maybe she'll get some sleep now. She doesn't know if she will hand the letter over, she probably should but - who knows. She closes her eyes...
January 7th, a Tuesday
A few minutes 'til 10am. In the bathroom, Sophia is preparing herself for work. While using the hair dryer she looks into the mirror above the sink. Her eyes are still swollen although it's been nearly 9 hours since she cried.She thinks back to the dream she had this night. Stella is her 'dream-self', Sophia realized it a long time ago but she also knows, this time it wasn't just a dream. This time she dreamed about reality.
"The show must go on" she thinks. One single tear runs down her cheek. Sophia wipes it away, a little agressively to be honest. Sophia puts in some hair oil and shakes her head to fluff up her hair. She smiles at herself and turns to leave the room. Soon the smile disappears.
"Now, Sophia? Really?" she asks herself. The ever present question popped up. "Why him?"