Work Text
PART I
June 1, 1979
Every summer was the same: hot, humid, and full of worry. Everyone enjoyed the water and the sound of the waves as they crashed against the rocks, washing over the stuck-on barnacles that climbed from the seabed. As Sirius sat there watching the children play in the water, the parents lounged in the sun or played along with the children as if they all knew and had found their purpose in life. Their purpose is one that they will follow for the rest of their lives. Sirius didn’t believe he had found a purpose, nor would he ever find his purpose.The air had started to fade, and the sun became more like a burning sensation than just warmth. Sirius got up from his spot on the rocks that were glistening in the sunlight as the water droplets reflected the sun off of them. As he descended down the steps naturally formed by the rocks, he headed to his car.The paint had begun to chip off the car, but it was a wonder how it stayed on for so long. Sirius wasn’t the best at taking care of his own belongings and often never cared. If something gets lost, just replace them. Can't you replace it? Move on. That’s how life goes; things come and go, and some never come back.Sirius pulled the door handle, forgetting he had locked it. He reached into his pocket for his keys but found nothing. Patting his jacket pockets and back pockets, he started to head back to the shoreline. Around this time, the tide starts to roll in, and anything left on the beach tends to get sucked up and lost.The sun was beaming down hard, and Sirius saw his keys, and the next thing he knew was someone reaching out of the water and grabbing them. As they pulled the keys into the water, Sirius paused for a second and looked around to see if anyone just saw what he just saw.Before taking a step, he took a breath and said, "Only stupid people do this in horror movies; don’t do it." He ignored his own advice and walked slowly towards the edge of the rocks, but before he could reach the end, the person grabbed onto the rocks and pushed themselves up.Startling Sirius, he yelped a bit but covered their mouths once people drew their attention to them for a brief moment. Once the person stepped onto the rocks, he just stood there, examining what he took—the keys. For a second, Sirius was confident that he was a mermaid or merman, whatever the correct word form was. The man took off his goggles, turned his attention to Sirius, and gave a small wave."Someone lost their keys," The man said holding up the keys and trying to start small talk. Sirius wasn’t good at small talk."That someone would be me." Sirius reached his hand out and was ready to run for it."Oh, sorry," The man handed him his keys, but Sirius didn’t run, which was probably a good thing.Trying to break the awkwardness, the man tried small talk again: "People lose stuff up here all the time or just litter. Not good for the ecosystem around here." The man looked around to see if he could find anything else on the rock platform."Yeah, I usually clean up here when I come.”Sirius slid his keys into their front pocket and rocked back and forth between the balls of their feet and back to flat."So you’re the person that James is always talking about?" The man tilted his head a bit to the side before removing his goggles and air tank.Sirius held his breath as he stared at the man. How can someone be so beautiful yet terrifying at the same time? The man carefully placed his equipment on the rocks before removing his wetsuit."What did James say to you exactly?" Sirius spoke, trying to see over the man’s shoulder."Hm? Oh, just that he spotted you a few days ago cleaning up. It wasn’t anything bad, but we appreciate it." Remus rolled up his wet suit and placed his equipment on top of it and placing them on a rock next to him."Why would you assume that I would take that as a bad thing?" Sirius said, scrunching his eyebrows slightly."Oh well, I didn't—I shouldn’t assume since it would make an ass out of you and me." He let out a soft laugh but stopped once he saw Sirius’s face."You know… because assume… ass, um-""I know how to spell assume," Sirius stared harder at him."Sorry, my mum used to say it, and" Sirius did not look interested in any more small talk. "Anyway, my name is Remus.""Remus? Like a dog?" What can get weirder about this man?"A dog? Wolf, it goes with my last name too." Remus tone started to pick up speed as he got more nervous about Sirius’s facial expressions. "Remus John Lupin, Wolf John Wolf, my parents thought they were so clever with that one." He let out another nervous laugh, then ended it with a sigh.Sirius just stared more and begged for something to happen so he could just leave.Then he realized he could indeed just leave."Well, that’s nice." Sirius turned around and started heading back down the stairs."Wait, what’s your name?" Remus paced after him in his swimsuit.Sirius ignored him, unlocked his car, and got in. Without hesitation, they pulled out the parking spot, which they claimed a few months ago. They shouldn’t have put so much pressure on the gas as they did, which resulted in almost crashing into a car backing up, but he needed to get out of there.Enough interaction for the day, plus he’s hot, Sirius thinks. Finally reaching the street, they slowed down and took a few deep breaths. His heart rate started to slow down as the view of the ocean left his vision on all sides, which was a good sign, and he finally stopped at an apartment complex.The apartments were old; you can see that by the old wood frames that have been painted over several times and the old windows with muntins that were outdated compared to the new architecture in the area. Though underneath all that paint and old wood that needed replacing and streets that needed to be fixed bad, it was home.Sirius liked the complex, down below, there were some older ladies that helped them move into their apartment when they first ran away. He didn’t have much furniture or anything to their name, as a matter of fact. The other ladies, Ms.Magda and Ms.Roman, gave Sirius his first job, his first check, and everything that he owns under his own name for the first time. Without them, Sirius wouldn’t be where he is right now, and he knew deep down he owed them both the world.Sirius pressed in the code he received the first day he arrived. He was able to pick his own code, which is unusual because most apartments don’t do that, but they do here. The only numbers Sirius could think of that day were six, twenty-five, and sixty-one. Putting those numbers in that exact order opened the gates, and Sirius pulled forward and through the gates. As they shut behind him, Sirius turned right, then left, then right again, and pulled into the parking spot marked J07. Getting out of the car, Sirius spotted Ms.Roman carrying a basket full of freshly folded laundry and started to head down the stairs, one step at a time."Ms.Roman!" Sirius shouted, quickening his pace as he caught up to her, "Here, let me help you." Sirius placed the keys in their pocket and put both of their hands out."Sweetheart, don’t even worry about it. I’m sure Diana won’t mind helping me with the rest when she wakes from her nap." Ms.Romans voice was always so soothing to hear.She always had a way with words; the way she spoke was so wise yet so calming, and it felt like a warm hug. Not even the most cold-hearted son of a bitch could feel any type of way towards Ms.Roman. Sirius gave her a smile and nodded."Tell Ms.Magda I said ‘Hi’," Sirius watched her carefully as she slowly took one step at a time until she finally reached her door. She opened her door and gave Sirius a last glance and smile before walking fully in and closing the door.Sirius adored those ladies more than anyone in the whole world, and there weren’t a lot of people to adore. Everyone, including himself, seemed out to get him. It was like a gasp of air after being pulled under water.Sirius walked back to his car and grabbed some stuff from the backseat. Locking the car was always a hassle if you didn’t know how to do it. It’s not just the basic stick it in and jingle it a little; you had to practically break the key, the door, and your fingers in the process to lock the doors. That old car had many problems that came with it: squeaky breaks every other week, batteries constantly dying, oil changes every week if you sped too fast, smoking every other month, but Sirius wouldn’t trade this car for another. At least until he could afford it.Walking up the two flights of stairs was not for the weak. By the time Sirius reached the top of the stairs, he was completely depleted. He took his last few steps to the door, pulled his keys once again out of his pockets, and unlocked the door. When he walked in, their eyes took a second to adjust to the darkness in the house. It wasn’t really dark, just dim. He pulled the curtains back and let the light beam through the blinds with their golden light, leaving empty spaces that were being shadowed by the blinds. As Sirius took a look around, a small smile crept up on their faces. Something that he put all their hard work into and that he was able to call home.The apartment wasn’t much; it was the basics: one bedroom, one bath, a decent-sized kitchen, and a decent-sized living room. The dining room was sort of part of the living room, but not exactly. The only downside was that none of the apartments in the complex had their own washing appliances, so you had to go down the stairs with your clothes and do your laundry down there around people.Sirius sat down on the couch, one of the first pieces of furniture he bought with his first check, and pulled his word cross puzzle and enjoyed the rest of his afternoon "sunbathing" in the patchy sunlight. Waves. On the other side of town, Remus had returned from the beach to his shift at the local aquarium. He checked in and then placed his equipment and suit into his locker. The entrance to the aquarium has been under construction for a little bit over a month now. It seemed like every time he came in, the glass holding the water would start to crack a little bit more every day."How was your swim? Find anything interesting?" Someone shouted from behind a counter."Yes and no," Remus said, reaching over for his employee badge."Okay?… Tell me about the ‘no’." James put down the paperwork he had started and leaned on the counter."I’d rather not; it’d bore you to death." Remus pulled his shirt over his head."Why do you always assume?" James questioned him."I don't. Why does everyone keep saying that?" Remus scoffed."So I'm guessing this ‘no’ is so boring because they assumed that you assumed, and now you ‘no’ is actually someone you can’t stop thinking about or someone you never want to see again." James had a small smirk on his face, feeling quite proud of himself at that very moment."Now look at you, assuming." Remus raised his eyebrows, grabbed his backpack, and carried on with his shirt, shorts, and blue flip-flops.James rolled his eyes and sat back down, staring down all the paperwork he had to do. "I wish magic was real sometimes." He sighed and started going through them one at a time.Remus headed past the gift shop and into the actual aquarium. When you first walk in you’re introduced to the more docile animals. Manta Rays-Remus’s personal favorite- and small fish, and the further you go the bigger the animals get.The more he walked back, the more he realized the bigger the crowds got. He liked coming in around this time. Around noon is when most of the animals are active and when the flow of people come through. He headed through the employees only door and walked up a few stairs and through another door. Once you open that door you can clearly see over most of the aquarium and see above all the tanks. The space was dark and had glowing jellyfish that were different neon like colours. The giant whale, Tera, which all the workers named when she got shipped in. The kiddie pool with touch me animals and the giant circular tank that reached from the ceiling to the floor, it holds up to two million liters of salt water.The Aquarium opened in 1968 and from the pictures Remus has seen over the years, it hasn’t changed one bit. He pulled his shirt off, shook off the slippers, one of them fell into the pool which he had to grab out before Dalia decided to eat it, again. Remus looked at the wall and grabbed the equipment with his name written on a paper and taped to it. He slipped into one of the wetsuits and grabbed an oxygen tank. They weighed a lot but you get used to it after a while. Sliding the flippers on each foot you could see on the left one there was a small bite mark. One of the nurse sharks got curious a couple weeks ago and decided Remus’s flipper looked a lot like a fish. Nearly gave Remus a heart attack that day. It made him realize no matter how much you love these animals you will never not be afraid of them.Remus got over it in the same day and apologized to the shark for being in her space that day. People made fun of him about it for a week and it even became a running joke between the workers.Remus dipped his flippers into the water letting his feet adjust to the temperature before sliding his whole body in and submerging his whole body. He put his goggles on and slipped the mouth piece on. He started to swim down slowly trying to take in his environment. Every time he went into the tank it was the first time. He unclipped his camera from his suit and started taking pictures of the nurse sharks. The tank currently held five nurse sharks that at the time were feeding on urchins that one of the other divers had collected from the kelp forest in the harbour this morning. Dalia started to swim by Remus waiting for her daily head scratches. She rubbed her body against his body which pushed him to the side easily as she weighed a little over ninety five kilograms. He gave her a few scratches and swam away carrying on takin pictures. Watching a family viewing him and the sharks with their kids, the girl gave a small wave and got so excited when Remus waved back. Moments like those truly made his day, that or getting gnawed on by a baby fur seal. After a few hours of swimming around, Remus started to head back out of the water and luckily for him someone had just walked right through the entrance of the aquarium. Sirius walked with his wrist band that was light blue and had small jelly fish spotted all around it with a big whale shark on it, which had your name printed on its back. Remus got out the tank and stared to dry up, he only started drying when he noticed a certain ‘no’ walking around through a crowd. He raced to put his clothes on and slipped his sandals on and sprinted down the stairs. He almost ran into a few people and even right into the glass octopus sculpture they have in the direct center of the building.Sirius stopped underneath the tunnel to look as the manta swam right over his head. The girl next to him eyes lit up and he could’ve sworn he saw sparks fly. She had so much joy in her and nothing to lose yet, Sirius missed that. Then again it was a rare occasion to actually experience that growing up. He began to continue through the tunnel before they saw, him.Remus was standing there practically out of breath and glancing over the crowd of people from the top of the stairs. The way the glass was molded was funny looking. It smoothed and curved so that the view from the top of the stairs was given a direct clear view of the entire walk way. It was constructed that was since the incident reports started to pile up of missing kids cases. Of course all of them were reunited with their parts but it still makes it easier as you could see over everyone in the crowd. Sirius stopped and turned quickly hoping he didn’t see him.“There’s no way,” Sirius took a slow glance over their shoulder to see if he was still there and to his luck he was spotted “Damn it.” Sirius started to walk fast paced through the crowd before he heard his voice.“Hey!” Remus called from a few feet away.Whatever told Sirius to stop in that moment, he wanted it cut out, burned, and away from him. Remus whipped around him and had the most obnoxious smile on his face. Truly Remus couldn’t help it since Sirius looked like an angel to him, he can’t help himself but to smile at someone that beautiful. Sirius scrunched his eyebrows and looked around waiting for Remus to say something.“You walk really fast,” Remus still had that smile on his face.“Yea, I have somewhere to be.” Sirius tried to walk away but something in him told him to stay, he seriously needed that thing out of him.“Is this your first time here?” Remus eyes had that same spark he saw earlier.“Yea, I just thought it would be nice to get out, I guess I was wrong.” Sirius trailed off on that last bit and avoided eye contact and much as possible.“Well, let me be your tour guide, there’s a lot of stuff that might of interest to you, like sharks, bigger fish, even our mammals are-“ Remus voice lowered and cut off when he saw Sirius admiring the manta ray that passed by once again, “You like Mike?” Remus said with slight excitement in his voice.Sirius scrunched his eyebrows together once again, “You guys name them? You named the manta ray…Mike?” At this point Sirius was ready to leave, head home, and never leave until he completely ran out of food and water.“Of course, every animal is an important-“ Sirius cut him off before he could finish that sentence.“Just give me the tour.” Sirius voice was filled with defeat and he started to head into the main aquarium, Remus looking at the fish as he trailed behind him. Glancing briefly over his shoulder, he gave a small smile at a distracted Remus and started their long, yet exciting, and interesting tour.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
you can go back to the past
but no one will be waiting for you there
Not a single thing had changed. The rocks had the same coarse feeling to them as before. Enough space to fit two people, maybe more. Yet, somehow, Remus found himself here, alone.
The sound of the waves reminded him of his early days. Swimming as the sun emerged above the horizon and descended back down. Every day for four months straight like clockwork.
Remus still remembers the day he found an angel on these very same rocks. The way his skin appeared to glow in the golden sunlight and absorb it with his midnight hair.
Sirius Black. What an absolute legend.
If they had stayed in contact longer, maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe Remus would’ve returned sooner.
“But that’s in the past.”
Remus thinks.
But was it truly? The past is all Remus tends to think about lately. Withering away with nothing but the ghost of his past.
Taking a deep inhale of the salt water and the sounds of the seabirds that glide through that air right above. He missed the feeling of sitting here, how easy it felt to collect your thoughts here. The gentle whistle of the wind and the aggressive crashes of the waves mixed perfectly to create a bliss of calm.
The aquarium.
That’s why he was here. Not to reflect on the past or twiddle with unfixable memories. To continue with the future and the future of the aquarium and hold onto that last bit of memory he does have.
Remus dug his palm into the damp rocks and lifted himself off the surface. Observing the city and how it’s changed so much when it felt like just yesterday he was here.
The flower shop remains untouched, now run by the owners granddaughter, as she has retired to the islands. The bookstore was ripped out to be replaced with a shell shop.
“Sirius would’ve loved that.” Remus thought but quickly pushed it out just as fast as it came.
Thinking of him just made Remus’s skin burn with anger.
Some things are better forgotten than forgiven.
Walking towards the cross walk, Remus for just a split moment could’ve sworn he saw
him.
By the time a car had passed, the illusion of him standing there was gone and there was no sign of Sirius. He thought the hallucinations had stopped when the letters did. The memory wiped from his brain, possibly for the better. It became an unhealthy obsession to try and see him again. Even if he wasn’t really there. Rather not start that up again.
Remus caught the first bus that led straight to the heart of the town. Two blocks down from the bus stop, not much of a walk-walking had gotten harder on him as his hips and knees grew older and his height didn’t help much with that-just added far more weight onto the joints but there wasn’t much he could do about that.
Standing in front of the place felt entirely unreal. All those feelings that had been locked off and years of trying to forget how this place looked, washed away with a single glance. The sea lion statues that laid perched onto the rocks. Painted gold, that started to chip and no longer had its shine. They marked the entrance of the building- which was pretty ironic considering that the aquarium never actually had any sea lion. There were some down at the pier but they never even thought of having them there. Maybe they were too hard to take care of or maybe the original owner had some sort of fear- which still had that same charm to it.
Weird how when you haven’t seen something in a while, you seem to forget what it truly looks like.
“
Was the wallpaper always this tacky?”
Remus mumbled to himself as he passed down the main entrance and into the center hallway.
There were people still importing the animals out of there. Heavy casings, in and out, hauling fast and efficiently. It hasn’t even been a month since the owner decided to sell the place and moving to the coastline of Italy. It was always a dream of his to research there with a group of scientists. Couldn’t do it without leaving this place and leaving behind most if not everything behind. Before making the decision to leave he had reached out to Remus in hopes to have someone take over the job of running the aquarium. This was a year ago and Remus not wanting anything to do with the city, declined. Several times.
The rejection was pointless as they led to more phone calls rather than letters. Once maybe twice a week until he could no longer decline and the same night he accepted, he also began to pack up. The sooner he was out of the town, the less likely he would change his mind.
The train ride there was something that Remus didn’t know he needed. The feeling of not knowing what might happen next. What might come to him, not even having a plan. The thrill of the unexpected. The train might’ve been more exciting than the actual arrival. Every corner of the city might’ve been dreadful but the amount of endorphins that consumed his body as he looked at the familiar surroundings of the aquarium would be something he could never deny.
“Mr. Lupin is it?” The tall man in a bright blue suit approached Remus with a warm hand out. He’s never been addressed so formally. Might be a lie but in the moment that’s what seemed new and stood out to him.
Without hesitation Remus took his hand in his own with a firm shake.
“Quite a firm grip there, boy.” The man said with great enthusiasm.
“Boy?
” Remus thought. As if Remus wasn’t much younger than himself.
“Might say the same thing about you.” Remus forced out a laugh. He was always the one to quickly judge another . Not being the most social himself really made it hard to have connections with others.
“Well, would you like a tour of the place? There are some things that need to be fixed but I’m sure it’s nothing you can’t handle yourself.” The bright blue man began to walk towards the first hall.
“That won’t be necessary, I probably could walk this place with my eyes closed.” Which might just be very true. Spent every waking moment here for a whole summer and it began to feel like he never left.
“Oh! Well then, here are the keys, and don’t mind the men. They are still getting the animals out of the place.” The man’s crooked smile felt warming. Made him slightly more likable.
Remus has been notified that there were buyers that had either bid for the animals. Some researchers even reached out to take them in for test studies. The larger ones were being relocated to other aquariums in and out of the country. He thought it was nice that they were being taken care of even after all these years. The owner really dedicated his life to them, it was unfortunate that his family didn’t share the same interests.
“Well if that would be all, I am off and will leave it to you.” The man was off before Remus would even let out a word.
Noticing the seal statue with a moon crescent engraved a tad in the middle. Another forgotten memory flooded his mind. Sirius had done that for him, always staring at the seal from behind the counter- that sat in the middle of the lobby connected to the back wall that led to the employees lounge-, he had did it to give him “something to look at” were the exact words. Now it sits there and collects dust like most things in this place.
Remus doesn’t linger long and decides to go towards the northern wing of the building. Walking mindlessly-not like he has to walk with purpose, this place is practically engraved with his foot steps from when he used to walk these halls with task- and headed to see what has and could be done with the place.
There was no further plan beyond getting it cleaned out and fixing whatever electrical and structural problems the building may have with age. So far there weren’t any seen with the human eye, but he knows there way be some stuff within and out of view. Looking at the large, round tank brought him back to the first time he met James. With his rounded glasses and tan skin that made his bright smile stand out like no other. It was a shame that James moved with his wife Lily Evans to Spain. Last time he saw him was at his wedding. Sirius didn’t attend. He still never understood why, that was around the same time that the letters had stopped.
Remus had to practically pry his eyes off the tank, it looked slightly uncanny with no water in it. The corals had been removed and the plants were gone. The sun gave the area a golden glow. Made it look like an art painting. The way the light reflected off the tanks and onto the closest surface. He hadn’t thought of that in a while. Staying after hours and feeling not so alone when everyone was gone. It felt like a second home.
Stretching his back and feeling the ache and popping of his joints, which only resulted in slight inflammation. He wasn’t in the best shape, not as good as when he used to swim everyday. Wouldn’t really call it swimming, he hardly did that. More of floating, water therapy-they do it on horses to take the weight of their joints. He hated when James recommended it to him and would take in a terrible thick country accent like from the cowboy flicks his mother would put on the telly- it helped a lot but once he moved back the pain only got worse.
He thought of heading to the south wing but thought it’d be best to find a place to rest. A lot of doing nothing in a day can worn a person out terribly.
Remus made a full walk through before heading back and out the door, not before locking up. Passing by the seal statues and back towards the bus stop. Last of the day. Not many people either, just how he liked it.
“Have a good night.” He gave the driver a send off. Remus stumbled off the bus and onto the pavement. Holding his hip to try and soothe his pain.
“Maybe I should pick up swimming again.” He thought.
Though he had trouble walking and his back felt heavier than ever with the steeper grounds. His lungs have never felt better with this crisp air rather than the dry dust that makes him cough all day.
Stopping at a motel just round the corner. Walking in, he was greeted with the sweet scent of vanilla and cheap perfume. He rang the bell and instantly heard shuffling from behind the counter and the clanking of the beaded curtain door. The lady who ran the place had a hard look. She was a stern woman and might not stand to tall compared to Remus but packed a strong build.
She placed her glasses on her face and instantly lightened her eyes and had a warming smile.
“Remus!”
“Matron,” Remus returned the very same smile.
“Not Matron anymore,” The lady standing behind the counter used to work at the facility that Remus used to live in as a child. She ran it, explains her strong comportment. “Please call me Mrs.-“
“Won’t sound right, if it is fine with you, I prefer “Matron”.” Remus leaned on the counter that he towered over slightly.
She gave a slight sigh and nodded.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were too good to leave town, had some research or something keeping you there.”
“Yes, well some things change and I thought maybe it was nice to have some sort of change.”
“Change?”
“Something new, got tired of seeing the same things all the time.” He lied.
“So nothing brought you here?”
“Not in particular.” He lied again.
She knows he’s lying, rather not poke the bear.
“You’ve got a reason to be here?”
“Yes actually, you said back home that if I ever need a place to stay, I was always welcomed here. Everything was last minute and I didn’t think much through not even a place to stay…” The last bit died off as his face washed over with shame. He really didn’t think this much through.
Guilt washed over him, he should’ve been more ready. He questioned himself and why he was so eager and quick to drop everything and come back anyway. It’s been so many years and didn’t think about this place during those same years and now it’s like his life is completely thrown off.
“I did say that didn’t I? You have impeccable memory, I hardly remember what I ate this morning for brekkie.” She cleared her throat and began to flip through her books.
Hearing her voice felt like a piece of home and that was enough.
“Hold yourself together Remus!”
Remus let out a painful sigh. This may not be for him but at this point he didn’t have much choice. He had a commitment and he couldn’t go back on his word. If only Sirius could see him now, he would be mental.
Slowly missing Sirius Black had become less of a burden but a sweet spot of passing the time. Out of control-like him and his wild hair- but easy to manage. Just keep it delicate and don’t push himself to go far beyond the small things. That was hard when everything around him was, him.
“Right, here’s your key and here’s the code to the lounge where we keep all the meals. There is breakfast, brunch for the late risers, and dinner.” Her voice had grown tired over the years, probably from all the yelling and demanding over time.
“Thank you, Matron. How much do I owe you?” Remus reached into his pocket for his wallet before she placed a gentle arm on him.
“No no, this is me returning a favor.” She gave him one last smile before sending him off.
He thought she had forgotten through all the trouble he gave her as a child. That is something he will have to learn with time. The positive is stronger than the negative as one is only temporary
.
Walking over to the elevator just to be met with an ‘out of order’ sign.
“Great.” He took a deep sigh and made his way to the stairs. Pushing the door open and staring and the long way up. Looking at the key and the paper he observed the map with was drilled into the wall.
Floor four.
With great dread, he made his way up the wooden stairs, feeling the creaking under his weight. They felt uneasy, like they might snap.
“No more fragile than my bones.” Remus laughed at his own joke which echoed through the staircase. Quite a humbling experience.
With great arrival to the fourth floor and even more aches pounding through his body, he hobbled his way to his room. Three-Five-One. The floor wasn’t a big layout so he didn’t have to walk far. Once he did unlock his room and pushed the door open, he was met with a cold wave of air.
The bed had white sheets and a white pillowcase, nothing too fancy. The floors were a solid brown color that were due for a re-polishing. The curtains were a deep red and had a velvet touch to them. Small paintings that laid over the single bed and over the desk across from the bed. The telly was slightly outdated but worked just fine. There wasn’t a phone but that was fine as the communal one would do just fine. Going to see the bathroom situation, there wasn’t anything special, the tiles and countertops had been redone and no longer had the yellow staining to them as they did many years ago.
He sat on the edge of the bed and placed his suit case next to him. Removing his trainers and leaning back to finally have a rest. The instantly relief that hit Remus was the greatest luxury he could experience in that pure moment. The way the cold sheets hit his lower back that was exposed so slightly.
The jumper he was currently wearing was made by a friend he made a university. She had gone off to Greece to study the textiles there and sent him one of her projects in winter for the cold weather. One of his favorites. He sends her chocolates from the mainland and receives photo cards and letters in return. They haven’t spoken in person in years-since around the Christmas before last, but Mary always found herself busy- but that didn’t bother him much.
Remus’s eyes began to grow heavy and the light slowly sank away until he was subconsciously fading away into a very much needed sleep. Through his dreams and the familiar smell, he could’ve sworn he heard Sirius again.
Humming a song that hasn’t been heard in quite some time. The way his voice pushed him further into sleep until he was completely gone. Maybe even feeling Sirius’s hands sliding through his hair. The sounds of the waves crashing and Remus’s head laying on Sirius’s leg. Opening his eyes to the sun in his face and the perfect view above. Slightly darkened due to the beaming light but all that did was make him more heavenly than before. Now satisfied with the moment he drew his eyes closed and let his body feel at ease.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I could play the wild mutation.
as a rock and roll star
-David Bowie, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, 1972
He always felt out of place and alone. Like a burned-out star fading away while everyone just watched and couldn’t do anything. With Remus it was different; he felt less watched and was the one doing the watching. He shined so bright in the moonlight as if he was a part of it.
The sound of the water in the background and the wind that slid through his hair with ease. It was like watching a moving painting. They both leaned along the railing of the balcony, overlooking the city lights and dark water. Remus explained every star and their names, most wrong, but Sirius didn’t dare correct him. He loved watching him talk, and seeing the excitement in his eyes was something that he could watch for eternity.
“This one is Regulus; it belongs to the constellation Leo. I don’t know if you’re familiar with astrology, but that’s one of the signs.” He continued on explaining.
Sirius’s smile faded faintly at the name; he hadn’t thought of it in a while. It hurt to think about it; he had left everything behind, including his brother, Regulus.
“There’s your star, actually, if you look right around there.” Remus grabbed Sirius’s face and directed it to the star.
Without hesitation, Sirius looked directly at the star. He couldn’t stop thinking of his brother. They had lost contact shortly after he left home. Sirius always worried what might’ve happened to him. The guilt eating him alive every day for leaving, but he knew if he hadn’t left, then he would’ve never made it out.
Where is his brother?
THE AQUARIUM had just opened a new attraction, penguins; it sat in the south wing of the aquarium. The children loved it, and the designs for it took forever. It had originally been planned to open last summer, but there was a hurricane warning, and the company that was responsible for transporting the penguins voiced their concerns and convinced the owner to wait for transportation.
The penguins all settled in pretty decently, and Remus’s shifts were moved to now include the penguin feedings. His new schedule kept him in longer after hours, which meant no more scuba diving on his breaks since they were also cut shorter. He was devastated but still appreciative since it would be beneficial to learn something besides scraping seabeds all day for trash.
Still no pay.
Remus rested his head on the front counter as James sat on the ledge. He was talking to a girl who came with her family to visit the city. She had deep red hair and sun-kissed freckles that marked her skin like paintbrush speckles. Her skin slightly red, likely from the sun, but it’s more airbrushed than solid. The clip in her hair reflects from the sun and makes the wall sparkle, and it doesn’t take more than a second to notice how it correlates with the rest of the green and brown in her outfit.
James and she have been hanging out almost every day. James sometimes talks to Remus about how he’s dreading the day she leaves back to her country and leaves him. Remus tries his best to comfort him and give him advice—with the best he can come up with—but he isn’t much help. James had called his room once he got back from Sirius’s and came to a conclusion.
“If I transfer from the university to the one near her, we can be together every day!”
Remus was stunned at how that was the solution he came up with. She lives in the town but constantly visits Spain, where her family lives. She works down at the wildlife sanctuary on the other side of town. Sometimes the aquarium offers a two-in-one deal for both parks for the day.
Remus turns his head to the side, resting it on his arm. He notices the sun is starting to leave a golden crisp along the horizon. Reading the clock would give him the time, feeding time.
Remus lets out a deep sigh and starts to get up for the penguins, but James stops him.
“Don’t worry about it; I was going to take Lily back to see the penguins anyway.”
Remus gave a confused look before catching on after James’s wink.
Leaning over the counter and handing him the empty bucket and tongs, he nods his head.
“Make sure to measure it; they get jealous if one of their own gets more food.”
James jumped off the counter and took Lily’s hand in his empty one. Leading the way and pushing past the heavy crowd. Surprisingly, it has been a continuous rush for the past week.
A lot of tourists in the area ever since school was dismissed for break, and it’s been packed. The first couple of weeks, tickets were sold out for the marine shows. The wildlife sanctuary too, with the new train system that leads from above the aquarium directly to across the street with the sanctuary.
Oh. They’re back.
“Remus, you should come!” Lily’s voice was beautiful; it reminded Remus of a transatlantic accent he used to hear in the films his mother would watch with him.
Feeding shouldn’t be that long.
Remus’s attention refocused from watching the door so hard. He had been waiting for Sirius’s arrival. It was always at the same time, an hour before sunset, and he left during closing. They haven’t known each other for long, but it felt like it was already part of his routine.
Skin still wet, still on my skin.
He can only think about the day he saw Sirius for the first time. Looked like an angel fell straight from the heavens. The way his hand was extended as if ready to take him to his death and rescue his soul and descend. The furrow in his brows that was ever so tempting. He couldn’t talk about anything; he couldn’t think; he couldn’t breathe.
“I would love to, but I am waiting for someone.”
Sirius.
“Oh, well, bring them along too; we can wait.” Lily was always so passionate when she talked. So convincing even.
Sirius shouldn’t be long, but it made him think. If he did bring Sirius to their... date? What would that make them? He never properly established anything between them.
Of course they make out on the beach when nobody is looking, sleep over at each other's places, and bury his face deeper into the other's neck. Other than that, they have just kept things casual.
When Sirius finally arrived, the light in Remus’s eyes brightened. For all the years James had known Sirius, he’s never seen someone so interested or pay as much attention. They weren’t close because Sirius was always a loner. Extroverted for sure, but whatever happened back home took a toll on him. He remembers being kids and their families visiting each other and playing on the beach. Salt in their hair and water doubling on their eyelashes.
“Sorry I’m late; I ran into someone.”
That’s when Remus finally saw her; she had brown hair that fell to her shoulders, coiling softly, and bangs that barely touched her brows. They bounced as she walked, so polite.
Remus’s smile left his face as he looked at their arms locked.
“The harsh winds were truly an arse.” Her accent was heavy; she must come from the highlands.
Remus huffed and put on a slight smile.
“Glad you could make it safe.”
Sirius was smiling as well, a genuine smile. Nothing like Remus has seen before, it hurt deeply.
“Andy!” James put his arms out and brought her in an embrace.
“Oh my goodness, you have gotten so big. You used to be a wee lad.” She ruffled his hair a bit.
Older.
Lily’s laughter in the back cued Remus to laugh a bit to not seem strange. He was more confused than before. Who is she, and how does she know Sirius AND James?!
“Oh, excuse my manners,” She turned to Remus, who was giving her a side glance, slightly confused. “I am Andromeda.”
“Remus...Lupin.” His voice cold and stern.
She was a bit taken aback, everyone was. Andromeda didn’t pay much mind.
“Well, we were all just about to catch the train and possibly visit the sanctuary. I have some stuff to grab, and we can also take the tour around to burn time.” Lily slid her arm through James’s, interlocking them.
Lily too…
“That sounds terrific! Sirius and I used to visit there when we were little all the time. One time he tried to climb the fence to the macaws, and his leg got stuck, and security had to get him down.”
Sirius scratched the back of his head a bit, face red from embarrassment.
The way Andromeda talked was very similar to Sirius. Though Sirius’s accent had slightly changed, talking to the girl seemed to make it more enunciated.
The group continued talking, catching up on their lives. Remus muttered some orders over the comms, followed by a ‘copy.’.
Waiting by the golden sea lions was Sirius. Leaning on its head and admiring Remus as he walked to join the others who also waited for his arrival. Andromeda was away chatting with Lily and James. Her laughter echoed in the slightly empty parking lot.
“Hello, stranger,” Sirius said in a singing tone. “You’re quiet; what’s wrong?”
Remus shook his head and pulled his jacket over his arms. Andromeda and Sirius being so close doesn’t feel right with Remus. It makes him feel sick in a way that doesn’t make him proud of himself. Sure, it’s fine that they’re close and nobody else seems to mind that they have so much past together. Seeing the others laugh and enjoy
Andromeda’s presence makes Remus’s jaw clench unwillingly.
He wondered if Sirius might’ve dated her in the past; the age difference was concerning, but he wouldn’t question it. Everyone else seemed to be fine with it, so they probably ended on good terms.
“Are you sure? You seem off.” Sirius’s face was enough to make Remus discern how little he’s hiding his expressions.
“Yeah…bro,” Remus says with a smug look on his face.
Sirius is mildly offended with the term ‘bro’ after the events of the other night.
“ Can’t pour your heart out to anyone these days.” Sirius thinks.
Sirius tucks his hair behind his ears, barely touching his shoulders.
Lily and Andromeda glance over to Sirius and Remus with slight smiles on their faces.
“A same-sex partnership like this may bring no survival advantage, but is apparently preferable to a life alone.” James narrates, pretending he’s holding a microphone.
Lily gently hits his arm, making him laugh. He rubs it and holds his arm still, laughing a bit. Lily had always recommended documentaries to watch together. They had recently binged one about albatross pairs in New Zealand. There was a same-sex couple that were forced to be together by nature as they shared the other's amount of loneliness. With a decrease of female albatross population due to overfishing in nesting areas they are bonded to same-sex partnerships, which is leading to a decrease in albatross populations in general. Lily and James cried together—mainly James; he finds himself rather sensitive to topics about animals knowing he can’t help them—and that resulted in their first night over at the other's place.
“How long have they been like this?” Andromeda asked James.
“Not long, but by the way they look at each other, you’d think forever.”
“Do they know they’re in love?”
“Not yet, but one day they will.” James squinted as he looked at his watch.
The time…
“If we don’t get to the station now, we won’t make it for closing!” James clapped his hands to get the other’s attention. The stress slowly showing on his face.
Sirius turned around and glanced back at Remus before walking to join the rest of the group as they proceeded to walk.
The sun was slowly starting to set, leaving Remus’s skin to sparkle golden. The crisp air was unforgettable with the sound of seagulls that glided above the city. The train wasn’t too far from their current location.
Remus watched Sirius as he sped up to catch up to James. From meeting the boy on the rocks, dazed, confused, and angry, to this star.
I might be in trouble.
Remus didn’t know Sirius long, but it was almost like he couldn’t picture life before him. “When you know, you’ll know.” His mother used to always tell him. Remus didn’t think much of it, but just the thought of Sirius made him smile. It made him feel warm inside. He looked at the sunset and back at Sirius. That’s how it made him feel, warm, like a hug from the sunset.
The train was packed, with few seats. The boys gave the ladies the seats. Lily insisted James sit as she claimed he had dainty ankles like a deer. He corrected her and said he would be a stag, which didn’t help at all. She sat sideways as he held onto the handlebars above to stay upright as the train moved. Both staring hard into each other's eyes as they carried their deep conversation.
Andromeda sat by the window, watching out. The ocean captivated her and how calm it was. The city and how smoothly traffic flowed. How everyone had their families and jobs just in the area. She always liked the idea of raising her family somewhere like this. Jobs in the city, schools just down the street, beach just out the window at home. The smell of freshly cooked food and the arms of her lover holding her like a warm blanket.
Sirius held onto a pole that was planted by one of the main exits. Remus holding onto a handlebar. They both stared, yearning, with only their eyes, but it was no different than physical intimacy. Sirius examined Remus’s features, sun-kissed and in need of sunscreen.
“Do you wear anything when you’re out in the water?”
Remus was taken aback. “Excuse me?”
“Protection, I mean.” Sirius’s face began to flush with embarrassment. Unable to believe what he just said. Not that he implied that he would want to see Remus undressed.
“Protection?” Remus looked around as he lowered his voice.
“Sunblock, Remus.” Remus’s dirty mind was easily influenced, apparently, nicely noted.
“Oh, no, I don’t think I need it much, since I’m in the water most of the time. The sun doesn’t bother me much, and my skin is always hydrated.”
“That’s not how that works.” Sirius laughed a little as he placed his cheek on the cold pole.
“Well, I’m a marine biologist, not a dermatologist.” Remus leaned a bit closer, nearly touching noses with Sirius.
Andromeda caught his attention once more; he leaned back, and his expression changed greatly.
“Okay, what is going on with you?” Sirius lowered his voice.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing? Then why have you been so confusing all day? One minute you’re flirting, and the next you’re all moody.”
“You think I’m flirting?” Remus mumbled, still gazing at Sirius. His pupils big and brows furrowed.
Sirius’s eyes filled with fear; the look on Remus’s face was hungry. It almost hurt. The train had come to a stop, and immediately all the passengers began to walk onto the platform. Lily led the way to the crosswalk, whereas the rest descended the stairs. They could see the grand entrance that welcomed all guests that took the western entrance.
Seeing the children filled with joy and excitement to see the animals. A wave of nostalgia overtook Remus when his mother had brought him to this very place. He was very young, but it was a moment he would never forget. For Sirius this moment only brought dread and sadness; the sound of the children’s laughter and happiness in the air only reminded him of what he longed for.
Regulus comes from a Latin word for "king." In Arabic, Regulus is called Qalb al-Asad, which means " the heart of the lion. "
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dear Sirius,You haven’t written yet, I am going to assume it’s because of what happened before I left. I would like to apologize and have you understand that was not my intention to upset you. I could not stay, I have a career to look after. If you just would hear me out and please write to me.I promise I will visit during the holidays and I hope this gets to you before I do without landing in surprise. My mum heard you like the biscuits she made for the aquarium and said she would bake more for you. So, that’s another thing you can look forward to.Sincerely, Remus.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Can't not think of all the costs.
And the things that will be lost
Oh, can we just get a pause?
To be certain we'll be tall again
Whether the weather be the frost
Or the violence of the dog days
I'm on waves, out being tossed.
Is there a line that I could just go cross?
- evermore, Taylor Swift
Remus woke up in a cold sweat; his dreams had become more vivid over the past few months. Always being taunted by a black dog. The beast was not wanting to attack but snarled at the sight of Remus as if he was a threat. Staring at the ceiling as the breeze picked up the curtains in similar motions to waves. The breeze prickled his skin with goosebumps and sent a shiver down his spine. Rising from the bed to shut the window, he stopped to glance at the water. The beach under the stars was undoubtedly mesmerizing. Remus smiled slightly at the sight and how aggressive the waves were under the moon. The water was drawn to the moon while it softened under the sunlight. “I’m not sure if I like the idea of you having nightmares, Remus.” The matron organized her papers neatly. Stacking them before placing them aside for the next. “They aren’t nightmares, just dreams that seem more and more real. Lucid dreams, maybe.” Remus twiddled his fingers together. “Maybe it’s a sign.” “A sign for what exactly, hm?” “That I was meant to find him.” Shrugging his shoulders, he felt the judgment from her glare. “He’s dead, Remus.” “We don’t know that; they never even found a body.” “Dead or missing, either way he isn’t coming back. We’ve been over this; I thought you let it go!” The matron’s voice was filled with desperation. She was right; he supposedly let it go years ago. In the end, he couldn’t let it. If he let it go, he wouldn’t have anything. He would be losing himself without Sirius. Sighing at her words, he dropped the topic. His mind was still exploding with the need to find out. Remus wasn’t only good for sticking his nose in a book but also for sticking his nose in business that didn’t belong to him. The walk to the aquarium was much needed but rather painful. His knees felt like locking every step of the way. His reliance on his cane had become annoying and pitiful, resulting in him ditching it for the day. Arriving at the aquarium, it was now empty. Tanks looked closer to museum exhibits. The large glass windows that once held memories of Remus’s long summer were gone. Now it was time for the real work: signing papers and making plans. There was the sound of the door opening and closing, shortly followed by a pace of footsteps. One person. Remus started to retreat towards the footsteps before he was welcomed by a rather small woman. She was wide and short, as if she was stretched the wrong way. While Remus was slimmer and taller. “Ah, there you are! You must be Mr. Lupin.” Her voice didn’t seem to match his appearance one bit. It was rather low and harsh, almost demanding. Remus gave an awkward smile before answering. “Please, Mr. Lupin is my father; call me Remus.” He sounded almost altruistic, like a sham congressman. “Well, Remus,” She let out a laugh that made Remus’s skin crawl. It was high and pitchy. “I am Mrs. Heap. I am with Heap’s Construction and Design. Mr. Eisley shared some detail about his pardon with this place and thought you could use some help with remodeling.” She asked, Didn’t seem like a question. More of an order, it was hard to tell with her pronunciation. “Uh, yes? I don’t know quite yet what I want to do with the place, but I’m getting there. I believe that there were things that needed to be repaired before I decided what color I wanted to paint the walls.” Remus said. “Honey, Did you not hear what I said? Heap’s Construction and Design. We have everything covered, and with Mr. Eisley leaving such a pretty penny, you can most definitely get this place remodeled and still have some left for more.” Her smile reminded him of his mother’s. “Right... Do you think I can have a few more days to figure out what I want with this place? I just came back and haven’t wrapped my head around everything yet.” “Of course, my dear! Here is my card if you need any help with anything. I am just a ring away.” She reached into her pink purse; it had little bells on the strap that rang as she shuffled around. Handing him the card that was heavily scented with bubble gum and harsh perfume. Remus nodded and watched her waltz away. Staring at the card a bit longer before sliding it into his pocket. Staring once again at the tank. Imagining himself swimming with the nurse sharks once more and Sirius standing where he was now and staring back at him. Leaving his spot to walk around more and see what else may bring him inspiration. The upstairs was smaller than below and remained rather untouched. It was renovated into a somewhat makeshift house that Mr. Eisley used to reside in. Three bedrooms, two baths, and one hell of a kitchen. The sun poured into the open area; he always liked an open space. The dust made it slightly unsettling. Remus thought of staying here at a time but tossed that away. The idea was nice, but he wouldn’t want to seem trapped in this place like Eisley was. Slipping back out the door and down the spiral staircase, and welcome to the aquarium once more. The sound of children’s laughter and people’s amazement filled his ears ghostly. Taking off his jacket and ready to work, Remus took his clipboard and began. Making a list of issues that need to be fixed, things that need to be replaced, and things that should be changed. One thing he was set on getting rid of was the wallpaper. It was already peeling and ready to be set free. That’s where the thoughts began to flood. New wallpaper or paint. Flooring was redone, which was for the best. The counter could be taken more back into the office. A smile appeared on Remus’s face at such freedom and free will. Opening the walls to showcase the seals that always docked themselves on the rocks along the side of the aquarium. Animals that seemed interesting to have in place. Rescued, of course, Lily would have a fit if she thought Remus was importing illegal exotic marine life. Reaching on the desk and running his finger over a thin indent. Tracing it once or twice before realizing it was spelling something.
S + R was here.
Remus traced the S over and over.
The desk was definitely going to be the first to go.
If you squinted hard enough, you could see the islands from the shore of Athens; sometimes Remus would imagine swimming there alone. Even if he didn’t make it, the drive to have a final destination rather than just living was far more appealing. Remus had found his way on the train to downtown. Stepping off was a bit of nostalgia. Being here with Lily, James, and Sirius. Shopping was a must; his own belongings wouldn’t arrive for a few more weeks with slow shipping, so he thought he might as well get that out of the way. He mainly looked for undergarments, as wearing the same few outfits was as important. As the day continued, the sun began to descend. Walking down the streets was always a joy; the smell of ashes filled his senses, and it already felt like home. He quit smoking a while back since his health started to deteriorate, and he didn’t want to die before he finished his research. That would be off-putting. Exploring more of the streets, he smelled sweet tomatoes and sauce. The Italian restaurant that had remained there for what seemed like centuries lit up the streets with the music and what seemed like a party. The music was cheery, and the sounds of the crowd clapping to match the beat were amusing. The violin player was who truly caught Remus’s eye. The smooth sounds that danced off her strings. Apparently she had caught his attention too. Smiling at his gaze and winking playfully. Remus straightened his posture and looked around before moving on. His face grew red as the music began to fade into the background. Slugging his way back to the train with a touch of remembrance. The way Sirius would glide his bow over the violin strings was very similar to how the player did. Sighing as he finally sat down into the train seat. How empty it felt later in the day was a treat. The walk back to his room was even more exhausting. Matron was out, so he walked straight to his room in silence. Unlocking the door and tossing the bags next to the bed on the floor. Sitting down on the bed with a slight squeak that made Remus laugh lightly. Reaching in his pocket for his keys when the business card from earlier fell out. Remus nearly forgot about that interaction. His notes and the free will rush. The aquarium always felt like a safe haven to the interns. Every year new ones came in and left with more experience than before. The program was well sought after with its location and wasn’t very easy to get into. Remus was one of the lucky ones to continue this legacy, and he wasn’t going to let that go. Dialing from the room phone, he dialed in the number on the card. Not expecting Mrs. Heap to answer at such a late hour, but his life was full of surprises lately. “Hello? Mrs. Heaps, sorry for the inconvenience, but I wanted to discuss some of the ideas I came up with. I really want to see what can be incorporated.”