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There was a scratchy drugstore a few blocks down from Yeonjuns's apartment. It sat on the corner in a strip of rather questionable-looking shops. Sometimes, their windows got busted out, or the places were robbed. While the stores themselves were innocent enough, the people who ran them weren't.That's why the area was avoided by most who had dignity for themselves. Yeonjun however, paid regular visits to the corner store. It was the only place he felt safe enough buying cigarettes, without the eyes of others lingering, judging, and shaming him.He, like anyone, wanted to avoid that awkward judgment. No one understood it anyway, that he wasn't by them for the reason others thought. Oftentimes Yeonjun would even smoke them, he'd just light them up and let them burn, inhaling a bit of the smoke that way. Others he just rolled them between his fingers.From time to time he'd smoke one, but only one before he got sick of the aftertaste and waited a week to smoke another. On nights he was sad and all alone, he'd sorta chew on them, get them wet with his saliva, and then light them up.Anyway, that's why he was there, to buy a pack to work over for the next week or two, play with and all. He got up to the counter at the cruddy place, full of junk food and annoying advertisements. The man who worked there always sounded horse and was sorta round about the middle, he looked well into his sixties.“What can I do for ya?”“A pack of Marlboro reds please, and a pack of light one hundred too,” Yeonjun said.The man turned around, undoing the locked case on the back wall with one of the annoying jangly keys he carried on his belt. While Yeonjun waited, the guy a little slow in his old age, god only knows how long he'd been working there, Yeonjun scanned his surroundings.There was a rack with an assortment of candies to his left, chocolates that looked like they'd been there ages and probably tasted of dust or maybe mold. There were magazines to his left, ones with celebrity faces plastered on them, and brightly colored advertisements that drew the eye.He mistakenly picked up the most scandalous cover, without even thinking, a girl sitting by the pool in a skimpy bikini with the words, ‘Swimwear, lingerie, sleepwear, and more’ in big bold letters at the bottom. He flipped through it, expecting the magazine to contain mostly women, who he wasn't too interested in.To his surprise, there were whole sections for men's swimwear and even men's lingerie, which he found himself taken aback by. It wasn't the gross sort of men's lingerie either that was designed to fit only masculine figures with the most grotesque muscles.He turned the page, to a rather gender-neutral piece of lingerie that he quite liked the look of and froze. It was a lace top and bottom set connected in the middle by a beautiful flowing ruffled fabric. It was a silky baby pink, modeled on a man, a man Yeonjun recognized.“Pretty sexy huh? The women in that one are smoking.”The worker's comment was so unnecessary and objectifying Yeonjun practically recoiled. He tossed the magazine down on the counter, for no other reason than the pretty face he remembered from years ago present inside.“This too? Good choice.”The cashier chuckled with a nasty expression. Yeonjun paid in silence, collecting his cigarettes and magazine off the counter and leaving as soon as he could. Thankfully he had his backpack with him, he'd just got out of about the most boring college lecture of his life.‘What is Beomgyu doing modeling lingerie?’ He thought as he stuffed the magazine and cigarettes down into his bag. A swirl of memories washed over Yeonjun, seeing his face again was like being taken back in a time machine. He was twenty-four now which would have made his last interaction with Beomgyu a whopping twelve years ago.__________“Spread your legs a little more.” The cameraman instructed.Beomgyu did as he was told, stretching out on the mattress beneath him, opening his thighs little by little as the camera snapped shots from above. Beomgyu loved this, being the center of attention in front of a room full of agents, photo editors, set designers, you name it.He was oozing with confidence, that everyone in the room, behind their complicated-looking equipment and various cords and wires, were there for him, only him. Every single one of them was relying on Beomgyu to be good so they could earn their wages. It was a fantastic feeling, indescribable.No one, not in all twenty-two years of what some might call his pathetic life, had stared at him the way they were staring now. He resisted the urge to smile, looking seductively into the camera.“Good now can you roll on your side a little?”It was a shame it had to come to this, that Beomgyu had to go to such lengths to be given the basic human need of a little social attention. He wished he didn't have to show his nipples and barely covered crotch just to get some eyes but he knew it was the best way, the only way with the financial pickle he was in.Not to mention, mentally, he was far from where he wanted to be. Sexualizing himself came easy when he didn't have his mind in order. If it was working healthy, perhaps it would have been much harder to do this, but alas that wasn't the case.__________“What's your name?” Yeonjun was about eleven.“Beomgyu, who's asking?”Beomgyu may have only been nine then, but he already had a wicked good vocabulary and a handful of sayings under his belt. They were likely from his older brother who Yeonjuns cousin claimed ‘was the most popular kid in the history of junior high.’She had a tendency to exaggerate, however, so Yeonjun took what she said with a grain of salt. What he knew was the pure and absolute truth however was that the Choi family was one of the most well known in all of Seoul.Anyone could have told you that Beomgyu's father was an executive at a Fortune five hundred company and that his mother started her own business when she was only a teenager. Together they birthed one of the smartest kids, that being Beomgyu's older brother who was two grades ahead of his peers.But when it came down to it, you wouldn't have known the Choi family was any richer than anyone else, and by talking with their secondborn, you would have thought they raised their children no different either.“Me, that's who. I'm Yeonjun. You're the Choi's son, yeah?”“Nooo I'm A son, not the CHOIS son. Im Beomgyu that's who I am!”He was a feisty kid, that was for damn sure, but he was nice and caring right from the start when Yeonjun first introduced himself in the park down the street from his duplex. They were fast friends, as all kids their age are, there was no awkwardness or any weird social cues like Yeonjun would come to learn in high school.They were friends, plain and simple. They did what friends do. They talked at school, ate lunch together from time to time, and played on weekends. They played chase, climbed trees, convinced their parents to spare them money for ice cream, and skipped around town holding hands, marveling at shop windows.They told each other about their lives so far, and what it was like being them, and the other always listened because that was how friends worked back then. They were joyful together, or neutral but rarely if ever sad.They built makeshift sand castles in the dirt and collected ladybugs on the leaves of rose bushes. They made flower chains and carved messages into tree trunks. They saw baseball games together with their dads and exchanged food the other's mom had made. It was a wholesome and wonderful bond they shared.But then one day Beomgyu didn't come to school for a while, and Yeonjun wondered if he might be sick, brushing it off as nothing too major. When he came back, however, he was all different. Suddenly he wasn't talking to Yeonjun, he didn't care to do math problems with him or draw with chalk on the sidewalk.They stopped eating lunch together and didn't hang out. There was nothing much Yeonjun could do. He didn't have a phone as an eleven, almost twelve-year-old. He couldn't shoot Beomgyu a text or call him up.Finally, he just had to accept the harsh reality that he was being ignored and that his efforts to communicate with Beomgyu were futile. That friendship came and went, like many do, and Yeonjun learned to move on.Now here he sits, a whole twelve years later, worrying a cigarette between his fingers, sitting out on the curb at sunset. He was just outside his apartment complex, sitting at the edge of a desolate sidewalk, a dead-end road where no one cared to go. He wasn't bothered here, which was nice.But the memories were hard to swallow because despite Yeonjuns age back then, he'd never been ditched quite as quickly and harshly as he had with Beomgyu who at the time he really loved and adored with everything in him.Now here he is, staring down at his photos in a magazine, wondering when awkward little nine-year-old Beomgyu grew into perhaps the most gorgeous man he'd ever seen. He looked at the same pages over and over, the ones of Beomgyu in three different lingerie sets, his sensitive area just barely covered.He was scanning over every detail of every picture, the way Beomgyu’s hair was all long and fluffy now, how his features were sharp and dashing. He was looking over his perfect body, perfect everything, set in seductive poses, sprawled out on a fluffy white bed, or sitting on a red velvety sofa.Part of Yeonjun felt guilty for looking but what else was he meant to do? Set the magazine back down once he'd seen it? No of course not, not after spotting his once best friend's face.“Hey whatcha reading?” Huening Kai's voice appeared.Yeonjun snapped closed the magazine and tucked the cigarette he was playing with away in his pocket. He wasn't quite sure if Kai saw or not. He probably knew they were friends after all, it was his job to snoop from time to time, check up on Yeonjuns activities.“I think Soobins is looking for you. He says you have a report to do for class. I talked to Tae, he says he wants to go out to the club later if you wanna come.”Kai was quite the talker in a way Yeonjun loved because whenever he spoke it helped get his mind off whatever he was on about. Just his presence alone, out here across from the apartments where he and Taehyun were also rooming, helped Yeonjun from the weird feeling he found himself in.“I can be our designated driver,” Yeonjun said.“Great so you'll come with? We were gonna shoot for getting there by ten tonight. Don't stay out here too long okay? And no smoking.”Kai patted him on the shoulder and then up and left. He wasn't one to linger, He kept things short whenever Yeonjun was like this despite his talkative nature. He didn't want to get into it with him, his lonesomeness and all. Yeonjun couldn't blame him, if he were Kia he wouldn't want to stick around too long either.
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All Beomgyu wanted…scratch that, needed was someone or something to take it all away. For the most popular nightclub in town, the alley behind it was trash. Beomgyu wasn't sure what he expected, an area lit by LEDs that smelt like sex, or a table and chairs set. Something more than a few bags of trash.All he was saying was that it might have been nice to come back here to something a little bit more alive. He wanted to feel alive, that was why he was so desperately making out with this man he'd just met, to feel like he had some life left.He'd drug the poor guy back here, into the foul-smelling alley for a little bit of privacy away from the club. The man was a sloppy kisser, in fact, Beomgyu quite hated it, but he kissed him anyway. All he cared about was if it felt good which it did, messiness and the strong odor of liquor aside.Beomgyu was starting to get into it, feeling his mind quiet as the dude grabbed him by the ass when all of a sudden he stopped. He staggered back, away from Beomgyu like he'd seen a ghost. Beomgyu searched for the source of his shock.Standing wordlessly in the alley was another man. He was about Beomgyu's height, hair a shocked, electric red, holding a cigarette between his lips. He sorta hated the guy right away for interrupting his makeout session. The man he'd been all hot and heavy with moments earlier scampered away like a filthy street rat.“UGH lame…why can't anything go my way.”Beomgyu was all full of himself, trying to angrily storm off, paying no mind to the rando who'd done this to him, taking away the only tolerable part of his day, having a little pleasure and attention. But before he could, he felt a hand close gently around his wrist, it was that fake redhead.“Woah, not so fast.”The voice of the guy was awfully familiar, it had a ring to it that Beomgyu had only heard a handful of times in all his life and yet, he couldn’t place whose voice it was. He immediately ripped his hand away.“Let me go! God what's your problem.”“You seriously don't recognize me Beomgyu.”“How the hell do you know my name–”Beomgyu was cut off when the man moved his hand up holding his hair back so his entire face was visible from the point of his chin to where his forehead turned to hair. He looked Beomgyu dead in the eye, almost eerily, sending a shock of cold up his spine. He took Beomgyu by the hand again, this time with more care.__________Soobin had really done a number on Yeonjun, scolding him and all for wanting to go out clubbing on a Wednesday. He pulled up Yeonjun's unfinished report and all as proof that he should stay home, laze around their tiny dorm, and at least try to be productive with his schoolwork.‘I care about you hyung, I don't want to see you fail this course. I just want you to make responsible decisions that's all.’ Soobin had said. Well jokes on him, Yeonjun left anyway without looking back and was having a much better time drinking and dancing than Soobin was studying.He loved him to death, Soobin, his very best friend. Sometimes, however, there was precedence for not letting the small bit of life given to you go to waste, this was one of those times. The whole time he was there though, in a room full of sweaty, wasted faces, he couldn't get a grasp on himself.His mind was fixated on the magazine from that afternoon, even as Taehyun and Kai spoke with him, even as they ordered drinks with him and cheersed to better times. As he watched them dance from a barstool, making sure not to drink too much and get carried away the way they were, he thought back to those photos.The ones of Beomgyu in lingerie, his face an advertisement, the measurements, fabric type, color selection, and more a set of statistics displayed on the page with him. It was as if the person putting the magazine together saw Beomgyu as only a manikin.That was an exaggeration, a hefty one, it was a magazine for shit's sake, all magazines showed the measurements and things of the clothing inside but still, Yeonjun felt what he felt. He couldn't fathom how anyone could compare him to the various other people in the magazine, not with his beauty and furious personhood.Anyone who knew Beomgyu knew he couldn't be reduced to an ad in a magazine. It had been twelve years and Yeonjun still held true to this. Of all the things he put his energy into, Beomgyu's scandalous campaign had to be one.“Whatcha thinkin' bout huh?”Wherever Taehyun got a little tipsy it was painfully obvious, his speech got warbled and he didn't bother to use complete words much less sentences. Kai followed closely behind, almost tripping over Taehyun's leg. Thank god Yeonjun agreed to drive or else the two would have their feet in their mouths trying to find a way to get home.“You guys better lay off the alcohol. I'm going for a smoke.”Yeonjun scoffed, leaving them to fend for themselves. When he said he wanted a smoke, he sure as shit meant it this time. He wasn't just going to play with his cigarettes, no he was gonna smoke one until he could barely hold the butt between his fingers.Anyway, he was going outside and all but he thought it tacky to smoke on the street so he ducked down the side of the building where the city block turned into a maze of sorts. They were regular old alleys but so many of them you might just get lost if you weren't careful. That or the builds had all been poorly placed.What do you know, Yeonjun stumbles right into the last person on the planet he expected to run into, Beomgyu. It was sort of like the magazine was in anticipation for this, that the universe knew they were about to meet again if you believe in that sort of thing.Well anyway, he walks down the alley and runs smack into Beomgyu kissing a rather tall, attractive-looking man with the whole nice guy thing going for him, hair done up and outfit just right so as to attract everyone.To say Yeonjun was shocked would have been an understatement, the makeout session they had going was intensely passionate, so much so he felt he shouldn't be watching. The guy ran off and it was made apparent that Beomgyu had no idea who Yeonjun was.He looked at Yeonjun as if he'd just murdered his mother or something. He had this foreign look to him, avoiding eye contact as one does when running into a supposed stranger. Yeonjun could tell just from his face and closed body language how uncomfortable this felt as if they'd never been friends all those years ago.Of course, Yeonjunn had to stop him to ask… ’well don't you recognize me?’ or something along those lines, he couldn't quite remember, all that was really on his mind was how insane of a coincidence this was. He had the privilege now of seeing Beomgyu face to face, in the flesh, his beauty on full display.“You model lingerie now? The last I remember of you, it seems like something you wouldn't do. But you did ditch me so I don't know anymore.”“You've seen my ads? I don't get it..have we met, do I know you? How the hell do you know my name?”“You don't remember? I'm Choi Yeonjun, from junior high?”Saying that out loud felt kind of pathetic. Who would recognize someone they used to know in junior high, no one that's who. Yeonjun was crazy for even thinking he'd remember. But then again he remembered Beomgyu, clear as day, as if he had just spoken with him yesterday, just carved their initials into a tree trunk.Something came to Beomgyu's eyes, a realization maybe that he did in fact remember from all that time ago who Yeonjun was and all. But his reaction wasn't what Yeonjun expected, not that he expected much. He ripped his hand from Yeonjuns who hadn't even meant to be holding him.“You remember me?”Beomgyu turned his lip up in disgust as if he wished Yeonjun would have forgotten. He wasn't lighting up the cigarette like he promised himself he would, he was nervously fidgeting with it instead. Had he done something wrong? Was the best thing to do to let Beomgyu walk away without confronting him?Yeonjun felt like he'd committed murder the way Beomgyu was looking at him with such repulsion. Why? Yeonjun couldn't have told you. Then Beomgyu said something that made Yeonjun hurt deep down.“Fuck off. Don't talk to me.”__________Beomgyu sorta stormed off, his mind a little hazy. He got out of the alley onto the sidewalk, the streets of Seoul were quite lively at this hour. Some night he was having, it totally hadn't been ruined at all by the encounter he’d just had.One could say Beomgyu wasn't on speaking terms with his past. If he were completely honest, his heart was pounding, his breath a little heavier than normal. Surprisingly it wasn't from his drunken makeout, but instead from the words he'd so bravely uttered to someone he used to adore as a child.Perhaps one could call Beomgyu a bit mean, self-centered, or stuck up, but he didn't see himself that way. He didn't curse people out, tell them to fuck off and not talk to him. But back there with Yeonjun it just slipped out, past his lips before he knew what he was doing. The kinda interaction you might stay up late remembering.He felt a ping of embarrassment, shame, and regret that made him put his forehead in his hands, exhaling out into the chilly night, breath visible. He was curling inward as if he was about to roll up like a pill bug and hide until the threat was gone.“Don't look at me.” He muttered under his breath.He wasn't saying it to anyone in particular. Instead, he stood dead smack in the center of the sidewalk face in his trembling hands as people walked all around him. He sensed their presence behind him, in front of him. Normal pedestrians paying him no mind, walking about, having themselves a fun night out.“Stop…Stop looking…”His fingers slid up into his hair and he made eye contact with a couple of passersby. He glared at every one of them. It was all fun and games, getting attention and all until his childhood friend announced that he’d seen Beomgyus ads. If Yeonjun had seen them, who else had.The man who served him drinks at the bar, his college classmate, Huening Kai maybe? He was the boy Beomgyu and Yeonjun caught a movie with from time to time way back when. They only allowed him because Kai was so young then, and only wanted to hang out with the older kids. Looking back he had a hell of a head on his shoulders.What would he think? What would his sisters? Beomgyu stumbled through the crowded streets to the corner where he stupidly didn't wait for the crosswalk sign to light up and instead walked out into traffic.Somehow he made it to the other side of the street safely, but not without running into a few strangers. God he was drunk, and probably high, whatever he smoked with that sketchy kid from his film history class an hour or two ago was really starting to hit.Beomgyu wandered down to a small grassy courtyard where he finally took a seat. It was the place where pop-up shops and food carts often came to set up camp in the summer, and where the entrance into the underground was. He could hear the subway pulling in all the way from up above ground in the courtyard.He pulled out his phone, vision doubling when the screen lit up. ‘L2:4E’ the time read…no, ‘12:43’. He laughed, he was really going crazy. He went to his keypad, he didn't have to be sober for this part, his fingers knew which numbers to jump to, they had perfect muscle memory.“Bahiyyih…Hello? Where Lea? She there? I needa talk to her, I don't know where I am, I need a ride.” He mumbled.“Wha–...is this Beomgyu?... I was sleeping.” She spoke all groggy.“I'm sorry look I…I just needa ride. I came with friends that ditched! Bahiyyih please!”
“Okay, okay! Gosh—it would be nice y’know if you called at a reasonable hour more than once a year…I only keep your number around because of my brother.”
Beomgyu felt sorta on the verge of tears, everything was blurry and all and he felt his nose starting to run. It was damn cold too which didn't help. He was just so depressed all of a sudden. He wished he could take it back, getting high and coming out to the club with those stupid college boys.He wished he didn't drink and then start flirting and getting all horny for the one who he'd taken out back to kiss. If he hadn't done any of it then he wouldn't have run into Yeonjun and been reminded of his stupid lingerie modeling side job. What a lame business that was, it was only good for a while because of the attention.Aside from that he didn't like it, not if people he knew would be the ones seeing him barely dressed in silky lace, stretched out in sex positions with that god-awful sultry look in his eye. That was the price he had to pay it seemed, for being so greedy, wanting all eyes on him. Life will never work out in your favor, it just won't…right?
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Yeonjun drug Taehyun and Kai from the bar. For some reason, when he returned from his failed smoke break, no bartender had cut either of them off yet, they were both still sipping away, drunk as hell.“Hyuuuung! Come onnn man don't be a lamooo!” Taehyun caused quite a scene when they got out into the street.“This was a bad idea you two, let's stop this. We have classes tomorrow, neither of you can afford to show up hungover.”Taehyun and Kai weren't really listening. Thankfully Kai could walk straight, Taehyun on the other hand, the lightweight he was needed help. Whenever nights like this one came about, or drug, alcohol, sex, whatever was in the picture it usually ended just as badly as Soobin predicted.Soobin, Mr. Goody Two Shoes. He was biased but Yeonjun believed himself to be in the happy middle of 4.0 Soobin, and slobber-drunk Taehyun. Know your limits, never exceed them, and understand when you're putting yourself in danger, that was the philosophy Yeonjun lived by.They stumbled a block or two up the street where Yeonjuns car was parked. The sky was black, a fog setting in around them as the night only got colder and colder. It nipped at Yeonjuns nose turning it a pinky red. He looked up at the hazy street lights, resembling the moon in the mist.Was that it, ‘fuck off’, was that the closure Yeonjun so desperately wanted. He watched Kai help Taehyun climb into the backseat, sprawling himself out on the leather seats, nearly passing out right then and there.It stung, Yeonjun couldn't lie, being told to fuck off after seemingly doing nothing wrong by someone who was once so close. His heart hurt a little, more than a little. What in the world did he do to deserve being cursed out, what caused him to be abandoned as a naive, eleven-year-old.Where was the Choi Beomgyu Yeonjun thought he knew? Gone, gone now for sure. He’d changed, grown up all by himself behind Yeonjuns back. He wasn't an innocent little nine-year-old anymore, nor did he have any obligation to stay in Yeonjuns life.You live and you learn, it's the cold hard truth. You go your separate ways and leave people you once loved in the past. Life goes on, there are nine billion more people in the world to choose from. Let it go Yeonjun, just let it go.He slid into the driver's seat just as Kai was getting in the passenger. When they got home that night, the first thing Yeonjun did was toss that magazine out back of his apartment building, in the dumpster. He didn't think about it again, not while he was rubbing Taehyun’s back as he threw up, kneeling helplessly over the toilet.__________“Thanks for saving me last week,” Beomgyu said sheepishly.“You really should be thanking Lea, she picked you up, I just answered the phone.”There was a pause as Bahiyyih fiddled with her apartment key, twisting it back and forth in the keyhole till it came open. Even the door was acting begrudgingly about Beomgyus presence. His eyes found the floor, he knew he was here, carrying all his stuff in boxes because he'd fucked up again and couldn't be trusted to live on his own.“Seriously Bahiyyih…”“...You're welcome. Now are you coming in or not?”She held the door open, waiting for him to step inside. He hesitantly did so. Drugs, alcohol, it wasn't going to slide with Bahiyyih and Lea, not in a million years, not as friends of Beomgyus. He was lucky, his ass was being saved by the two sisters of his old high school acquaintance, what were the odds.“You're gonna get busy. So you said you want to go to school across town, fine, you don't have to go to the uni here but you're driving yourself you got that? If you're living with me I want you busy, hobbies, cleaning, chores, anything.”“What are your rules on alch–”“None in the apartment. You want to drink, go out, but don't expect me to come get you. Drugs are a complete no-go, smoking, you do that outside by the dumpster. You're an adult Gyu, I'm doing this because you're my friend.”Beomgyu set his things down on the floor of the quaint little place. He was hesitant, no one had put restrictions on him like that, no one, not even his parents. They don't care whether he drank and drugged himself to death, as long as they saved face. His older brother was the successful one anyway.He didn't have ads in magazines, that was only Beomgyu, a disappointment to the family or so the neighbors said back home. He sighed, where the hell was Bahiyyih a year ago when he really needed help? But he couldn't blame her, he barely wanted to be around himself as it was.“First thing, before you unpack, take the trash out will ya? The dumpster is around the corner on the right side when you go out the back door.”Bahiyyih passed him the full trash bag, the one from the kitchen. She’d tied up the top and everything, the least he could do was toss it. There were a lot more exhaustive things he'd be doing if he planned to live here after all.So he took it out, down the elevator into the chilly morning. It was a Saturday. He hadn't been out, hadn't drunk, or done any other sort of substance since Wednesday, a week and a half ago. Life was starting to get boring without it. Perhaps he needed this rude awakening from Bahiyyih more than he originally thought. He threw open the dumpster, tossed in the bag, and thought that was the end of it until something slipped out of the overflowing trash. Out from between two bags something fell, paper of some sort.When he picked it up it was a magazine, one he knew well and good. He stopped, it had some water damage but was for the most part clean. He flipped through it, quickly finding his pages, his little lingerie campaign, a side hustle of sorts for some extra cash. Every page of him had been dog-eared.Out from between two an envelope slipped, a yellow envelope with wiggly writing on the front. “To Yeonjun Hyung” It read. Beomgyu's heart nearly stopped. He pulled the note out from inside, the one he'd written Yeonjun so many years ago he barely remembered its existence.
Yeonjun,
Don't leave me okay!? I'm all alone! I haven't really had a friend before so don't be mean and leave. I wanna be friends sooo bad, even time I'm with you it's like seeing a double rainbow, ya know how rare those are!?! Really really rare so be my friend forever okay? If we ever stop being friends I think I'll cry, like really hard because you're the best.
Love, Beomgyu
He must have been only eight or nine when he wrote it. The thing was so ancient the paper was worn and tearing, either that or Yeonjun had just pulled it out to read it a lot. The pen he wrote in all that time ago was sorta smeared in some spots, tears stains perhaps.He didn't remember crying when he wrote the letter, they must have been Yeonjuns tears. Suddenly he regretted it, the ‘fuck you’ from the other night. Why on earth had he said such a thing? He tried not to beat himself up too much, but it was hard, his walls went up without his control when it came to the past.Shut people out. Out. Out. Out. He learned to do that the hard way. It was for the best, no matter how hard Yeonjun cried. Whatever they once had was long dead. Beomgyu had passions now, passions for singing and dancing and modeling, no matter how scandalous the clothing.He wanted a life in the limelight, which meant losing people. He stared down at his stupid seductive smile on one of the magazine pages. He knew what he was doing when he slipped into the lacey, blood-red lingerie set. Right when he got in position they snapped that photo he was forging a new path for his life to go down.He flipped the magazine closed and tossed it, but he pocketed the yellow envelope and its contents. He felt through his pockets, he had a lighter but no cigarettes. What a shame, he could have used a smoke.
Eleven Years Ago
“Mom?” Beomgyu peeked over the lip of his mother's desk.“Yes sir…yes, I spoke with the client last week, they want to work with me but with one stipulation, that all work must be done by the ninth.”She was on the phone, working from home again, talking to some big shot who had bought the company she worked her ass off starting. She went from entrepreneur to manager of her very own company. It wasn't fair, Beomgyu didn't like it.“Mom…Mama!”“One moment sir—...What? Stop calling me Mama Beomgyu, you'll be nine soon, it's important to be proper when you speak.”All she did was scold him before returning immediately to her phone call. Beomgyu shifted his weight back and forth, worrying the paper he held between his fingers. It was a crayon drawing. The kids at school called it childish, that he still colored with crayons, but he thought he was pretty good for his age.It was a landscape of a Christmas tree lot, his mom and dad and brother and he were drawn in, picking out a tree. They were only stick figures, but he gave honest effort. It was something he'd drawn after Yeonjun told him how every year, no matter how little money his parents had, they prioritize the Christmas tree.Beomgyu had been over to Yeonjuns house, he'd seen it, the big huge Nobel in their living room with a skirt under it and everything. It was decorated with all kinds of lights and ornaments. Beomgyu's family never did that, they were too busy.“Mom, I drew you something…can I put it on the fridge?”“Excuse me just one moment— it's very nice honey…—sorry what were you saying?” She wasn't even listening.Beomgyu walked out of the study, defeated, clutching his drawing helplessly in his fist. He wandered into the kitchen where his brother was sitting at the island, his nose buried in some book. He was scribbling away, the genius he was, not paying Beomgyu any mind.He was thirteen, only four years older than Beomgyu but he was already doing Geometry. Doing high school math as a middle schooler was such a big deal apparently that his parents felt the need to reward him.On regular occasions, he got mini cakes from the store or cupcakes and cookies baked by his classmates. He got money anytime he did well on a test, and as an extra reward, his mother tacked his tests up on the fridge. Beomgyu wandered over to where all the magnets and family pictures were.The majority of the fridge space, aside from a few photos, was taken up by his older brother's work. 100%, 98.5%, 101.2%, he'd got extra credit on that last one. Lame. His parents acted like numbers on a piece of paper made you someone. They never congratulated him on his smarts, only the percentages.Beomgyu held his drawing up, picking a magnet off to stick it under. He shook his head, it didn't fit up there. ‘Too tacky’ his mother would have said, or something like that, he wasn't quite sure.In all honesty, he didn't care much, everyone knew who the favorite son was. The kids at school knew, the neighbors knew, hell, his grandparents knew. He sorta crumpled it up, the drawing. He didn't wanna make art anymore.When he got up to his room he took his crayon and colored pencils out of his backpack and shoved them under his bed. And he took out the old notebook he scribbled in and shoved it under too. He fished through his papers. 77%, 64.2%, 59%, why did school have to be his brother's strong suit but not his.It wasn't fair, life wasn’t fair. Why was he only learning this now, at nine years old? Surely it hadn't been like this all his life right…right? His parents loved him, at one point they would have put his drawing up on the fridge yeah? maybe?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Living together in a tiny dorm barely suitable for one, much less two people came with its challenges. Kai and Taehyun were the only two Yeonjun had ever met who managed to make it work. Not even he could make it work and he and Soobin had been nearly inseparable since high school.“Jesus listen to yourself Bin! You're gonna work yourself to death. C'mere.” Yeonjun said.Soobin hung his head, perched on the edge of his bed. His eye bags grew darker by the day, his smile a little dimmer with each new two hour lecture. Yeonjun took the poor mans face in his hands and pulled him in. He pressed Soobins face into the fabric of his hoodie, right where his stomach was, until the younger went completely limp.“It's just college, so what if you don't end the semester with an A plus, perfect one hundred percent on each assignment? You're still gonna graduate and get your dream job.”Soobin as too weak to respond. He was acting as if he had the worst hangover of his life though Yeonjun knew he hadn’t drank anything. All Yeonjun could see when he glanced down was the fluffy black of Soobins hair. Well, it wasn't so fluffy anymore, the poor guy neglected a shower in favor of a sixty page essay.“I'm gonna go outside okay?...I know you want your masters but maybe you could take an extra year to complete it and not pile on electives like you have been doing.” Yeonjun pulled away.He took a step toward the door, not bothering to look back at Soobin until he heard a sharp inhale followed by a heavy sigh. He spun around to find Soobins lifeless watery eyes staring back. He must have pulled an all nighter, Soobin looked like a sleepless husk of his former self.“Hyung…Don't smoke. I know you're going out there to smoke…just…don't do it.”Not only did Soobin sound congested like he was coming down with the beginning of a cold but he also sounded unconvinced. Unconvinced, his words would do anything to change Yeonjuns mind about having himself a smoke. They danced around the subject hundreds of times before and not once had Yeonjun listened.“I won't! I'm just getting some fresh air, that's all.”He left, Soobin didn't have the energy to protest any further anyway. How Kai and Taehyun managed Yeonjun didn't know. Whenever he saw them together they were hugging or sitting shoulder to shoulder or walking side by side.They never told the other what to do or not to do. Of course this was purely Soobins way of watching Yeonjuns back because one of these days it would bite him in the ass, his terrible habits. Still Yeonjun couldn't help but be a little irritated. He knew if he kept this up he'd have diagnosed lung cancer by the time he was eighty, he didn't need a reminder.Instead of his usual spot across the street from the apartment building Yeonjun sat out where the food carts lived in the summer. It was around the side of the building, where an array of picnic tables permanently lived.They were there for when the food trucks came by and parked outside the building, profiting off the broke, continuously hungry college students who lived inside. He sorta just stood there, fiddling around his pockets. It was dark and bitter cold but for one small lamp that came off the side of the building, lighting residents' way to the dumpsters.He found his cigarettes, the marlboro reds. He still had almost the whole pack left, so far he'd only played with two or three. He took one out and readied his lighter. Perhaps Soobin was right. It wasn't like he was addicted but isn't that what all addicts say.He stared down at the stupid thing and it stared back. “Light me!” It taunted, but Yeonjun had enough self control not to listen. Just as he was about to stuff it away, something really funny happened, Beomgyu showed back up.What the hell he was doing there Yeonjun didn't know. He came around the side of the building and stopped dead in his tracks as if he was just as surprised to see Yeonjun as Yeonjun was to see him, except that clearly wasn't the case because Beomgyu smirked. He sorta snickered, chuckled perhaps.They stood in silence for an uncomfortably long amount of time. Well it was uncomfortable for Yeonjun at least, since well their last encounter had consisted of Beomgyu vigorously making out with some random stranger and proceeding to curse Yeonjun out.Since he was so uncomfortable he started playing with his damn cigarette, Yeonjun did. He bent the end a little. When you played with them long enough he found that they started to break down. He couldn't tell if it was the manufacturers fault or his own. Not many bought cigarettes just for the sake of looking at them funny and rolling them around in their fingers.“Christ, are you gonna smoke the damn thing or what?” Beomgyu sneered.“Hello to you too.”Beomgyu laughed, he seemed to think Yeonjun was one heck of a comedian. He looked just disgusted, like he'd never seen someone hold a cigarette without smoking it. Frankly, it wasn't his business what Yeonjun did with someone hed spent his own well deserved money on.“Oh oops I'm sorry, hello your majesty. Would you like me to get down on my hands and knees and kiss your feet?”“Don't be a smartass Beomgyu. Whatever happened to you telling me to fuck off? I thought you didn't want me ruining your life.”“Well I changed my mind.”Yeonjun rolled his eyes a little. Beomgyu most definitely caught it out of the corner of his eye because he pushed Yeonjun back by the chest until his shoulders were flush with the side of the apartment building. It wasn't a friendly push but it certainly wasn't a rude one either, he wasn't trying to pick a fight or anything. From what Yeonjun remembered of his, rough and tumble Beomgyu wouldn't hurt a fly.“Here lemme help you.” Beomgyu lowered his voice.He dug around in his pocket and retrieved a lighter. Planting his hand firmly on the wall beside Yeonjuns head he leaned in annoyingly close and flicked the lighter to life. Yeonjun rather begrudgingly put the cigarette up to his lips. When he went inside smelling of tobacco, Yeonjun could confidently say it wasn't his fault.Beomgyu lit it and Yeonjun took a drag, somewhat intentionally blowing the smoke back in the youngers face. He didn't flinch, didn't move a muscle, only smiled. The second the smell hit Beomgyus nose he was motioning for Yeonjun to hand the cigarette over. He took a generous puff. Yeonjun didn't know he smoked.“So would you like to explain what you're doing here?” Yeonjun asked.“I live here. Would you like to explain what you were doing with my magazine?”That shut Yeonjun up real fast. His face got warm right away, hed hoped Beomgyu would have forgotten about that, it was his mistake bringing it up on the fly, that the younger modeled lingerie. It just sort of slipped out when they ran into one another.“You liked it huh? You can be honest. I don't mind if you think I'm hot. Do you? Do you think my bodys hot, Yeonjun? Which lingerie set was your favorite? I liked the red one personally, it matched my skin tone the best.”Beomgyu had always been an awfully good tease ever since they were kids. This wasn't out of the ordinary for him, that is, if he was anything how Yeonjun remembered him. But why lingerie? Yeonjun would have preferred not to air out his dirty laundry, which set he found most attractive to the model of said lingerie himself.“What the hell is your problem?”“I don't have a problem at all! I mean…it would make sense, if you were attracted to me. We haven't seen each other in years, you and I have both grown up since then. You grew into those features of yours alright, you're so much taller too.” Beomgyu smirked.“And whose fault would that be?”Yeonjun crossed his arms. The space between them filled with uncomfortable silence, smoke drifting into the chilly air and Yeonjun stole back his cigarette. It was cold enough out that his fingers were beginning to sting, they hurt to move and his knuckles were bright red.“I wasn't the one who ended our friendship, you did. You were the one who quite talking to me, you were the one who didn't answer the door when I knocked. What the fuck did I ever do to you Beomgyu!? Tell me, what!”Yeonjun might have come off a little to strong, his voice was laced with frustration and on every ‘you’ he stuck his finger right in Beomgyus face. There was more painfully awkward silence. The playful expression was stripped from Beomgyu face almost instantly and replaced by something else.He hung his head, scrubbing a hand through his hair. His hand turned to a fist on the wall, the heel of his palm remained pressed to the cement. Yeonjun feared he'd been too harsh, that the resentment he held from so long ago was coming back now.When Beomgyu lifted his head there were tears in his eyes. Yeonjun only saw them for a split second before he whipped both hands acrossed his face, cursed ‘damn it’ beneath his breath and sniffled. Then he backed off and with a shaky sigh and a bit of a sob hurried off.“...Shit..what did I do?” Yeonjun muttered._____Beomgyu was in shambles to say the least. He found his car, shakily searching his pockets for his keys. He couldn't go back up to his apartment, not like this, Bahiyyih would almost certainly get upset with him, or at the very least want to talk things over which would require an explanation.Dopamine, dopamine, it made the pain go away. The second he got the door unlocked he clambered inside, collapsing into the driver's seat of his car. He didn't care that he was technically in public, that anyone who looked a little too hard through his tinted windows would be able to see him, he just needed dopamine.No one was really around anyway, it was night, the apartment complex was dead, all the college students were holed up in their rooms either sleeping or studying. He fumbled around, their were a few stray beers he kept hidden from Bahiyyih in the backseat. Checking the rearview, Yeonjun was gone, he'd disappeared inside.“Fuck…come on.” He cursed beneath his breath.Struggling to crack one of the room temperature beers open he lost his grip and dribbled a bit on the center console. The rest, every last drop was down Beomgyus throat in a matter of minutes.He knew it was wrong, but what he really wanted in that moment was something stronger, some drug to really take the pain away, put him in a state of pure euphoria. Where was the boy deep down inside him who wanted more than anything to be just like his older brother, a goodie two shoes, perfect in every way, living the dream life.Why did he have to resort to beer and drugs just to get by. Scratch that, beer, not drugs, no drug that was Bahiyyihs rule. Something else would have to do in its absence. He hated to do it, but there was no other high to chase applicable to him in that moment aside from the evitable.“I'm sorry mom…I know you'd be disappointed in me.” He whispered.Cupping his head in one hand he shoved the other between his legs, under his jeans. He closed his eyes and pretended he wasn't freezing his ass off in his icy cold car, acting like a total loser. Dopamine was dopamine, the feeling would never compare to drugs like ecstasy, or so he'd heard, but it was something.He stayed like that for a while, milking his brain for all of the happy chemicals it was capable of naturally producing. His mind wandered about as vigorously as his hand moved. Mom and dad and his brother and that day all those years ago when he was only nine but it felt like his life was over.
Eleven Years Ago
A knock came at the door, the doorbell rang out down the foyer into the kitchen. Beomgyu was in the living room, sitting criss crossed on the floor, his legs beneath the coffee table working on one of his crayon drawings. His ninth birthday had been only a few weeks earlier but he just couldn't give up on those childish drawings.He heard his mother answer the door though he wasn't paying much attention. Girl scouts selling cookies or the paperboy with that weeks best headlines, something of that nature. Unfortunately for Beomgyu neither were the case.“Are you Mrs.Choi? Beomgyus mother?” Beomgyu knew that voice by heart, his school teacher.“Yes I am…You must be Mrs.Hwang, how can I help you?”“Yes that's me well you see, I dropped by to inform you that Beomgyu had been participating in some inappropriate actions with one of the other students.”Beomgyus' heart sorta sunk. He heard his father clearing his throat down the hall. He appeared, slipping into an expensive new coat he'd bought with the money from his new raise. Him and Beomgyus' brother were going out for their monthly father son night.“What kind of inappropriate behavior…”“He and his friend kiss…on the lips when they leave the classroom. It's just a peck. I considered not saying anything since they don't do it in front of the other students but it's become an everyday occurrence.”“His friend?...What's her name?”“That's the thing ma'am…the boy's name is Yeonjun, Choi Yeonjun, it's not a girl.”There was silence. Both his mother and father snapped their necks in Beomgyus direction. He froze, petrified by the worst embarrassment of his entire life. A look of raging anger appeared over his fathers face.“Please excuse me, I must be going. Have a good night Mrs.Choi.”