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My dearest Fives,I have your lovely ahem inspiring no competent ugh Captain for Kris Kringle. I want to get him something nice. I have a raging crush admire him and think he deserves to be spoilt.Any suggestions?Yours,Rex's Kris Kringle
(please help, I'm desperate for him to notice me)
To Rex’s Kris Kringle,Your dearest (teehee) Fives was born for this moment. I was telling Echo yesterday that the only reason I’d return from my advice column hiatus would be if someone asked about Captain Rex. Echo and I are currently working on getting our joint PhD in Captain Rex studies.Needless to say, I was THRILLED when I read your heartfelt plea and troubled thoughts about Captain Rexy because I was born to solve this.I must admit that before I fix all your problems and make your life amazing fivesever, I need to address your feelings. There is no need to hide them, my friend! Rex is lovely and inspiring and competent. I 100% support your raging crush (and so do my Tauntauns Obi-Taun Kenobz, Tauntaunakin, Ahsoka Tauntauno, and Bob).I think you should get Rex some mistletoe. I actually have a mistletoe farm and I’m selling it super duper cheap. Swing by my place - The Dominocile - and I’ll give you a good deal.If that doesn’t work, then I’m not sure what will.Wait, no, actually, I do. I always know what to do. People think Echo is the organised one but I was born with contingency planning in my blood. They actually made me an ARC Trooper due to this blood anomaly and because I’m amazing at thinking on my feet. Speaking of, maybe you should get Rex a nice pair of slippers as well? They must be fluffy and brown. If you need help shopping, take Jesse with you. He is desperate to go shopping… not that he actually wants to. I just think he needs an urgent makeover.Yours,
Fives
licensed mistletoe distributor | the galaxy’s favourite advice columnist | proud father of four tauntauns
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Help me oh Dearest Fives, you're my only hope.Any chance you'd be interested in helping me catch Echo under mistletoe this year?😏
Dearest Anon,Your only hope? I'm flattered!I have a butterfly net and a net gun. Would either of those help?If you want to catch him in the more romantic sense, then I must inform you that there are a series of tests that you must complete before I offer my assistance.The first stage involves a serious obstacle course on Hoth. The second stage requires you to recite a poem (a sestina) on why you want to catch Echo under the mistletoe. The last stage is conducted before a panel of judges where you will be grilled on Echo Lore (if you have taken my Echology classes then you should be fine).The panel consists of myself, Crosshair (he doesn't know that I'm putting him on the panel but Echo is his hero so I guess I have to let join), my Tauntauns, the entire 501st, Senator Chuchi, Commander Fox (if he responds to my request - which he will because his 'secret' lady love will be there), but NOT the Biting Child Omega (even though she says that Echo is like a parental figure to her. I don't care. Echo is my best friend, not hers).I hope that clears things up for you. Would you like me to get you a bedazzled net gun or will my hot pink one be okay?From,Professor Fives
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Dear FivesI've officially been assigned to Master Windu. Can you help me convince him join us in our couple piles?- Former Jedi Youngling BlackTo Former Jedi Youngling Black... or should I say Padawan Black?I'm glad to hear from you again! Congrats on the promotion (is that the right word? idk. I left Echo's dictionary at home. I'm writing this on the fly. Echo took me and Jesse to the supermarket and he is swinging us around while we sit in the cart. It's a bit hard to type at the same time but I probs won't make any mistakes because I never do. But if I do, my editor can just edit it out)Fives' editor here: I am on strike. He still hasn't given me that makeover he promised so I refuse to do anything. Tell Master Windu that if he doesn't join in the clone piles that you are going to tell Master Yoda. I have it on good authority that Yoda has been trying to get Windu to be 'more in touch with his sensitive side.'Frame it as the clone pile being a convenient challenge sent by the Force to test him. Not only do you get free hugs but he will think you're like super in touch with the Force.If all else fails, pull out the Tooka eyes. It may be overused advice but it always works.Love,Fives
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Fives,I've managed to repair your DC-15. Please make sure to come by to recover it as soon as possible.And please, for the love of the force, don't use it as a bat again.The DC is not a bat.Your friend, the Weaponeer.
To the Weaponeer,But I was only doing my duty to the Republic! I heard that Cody is into roundhouse kicking droids, so I thought I should make my own iconic move. I think hitting droids with my DC-15 like a bat is a trend that will totally catch on. I saw Jesse practicing my technique with Hardcase a few hours ago.Speaking of DC, there is a deeper, more poetic reason why I used it as a bat. I have decided to use my epic bat move and call myself Bat-man. I roam the streets of Coruscant at night, saving poor innocent souls from all sorts of dangerous villains. I'm like what Fox wishes to be except that I don't take orders from anyone.I thank you for repairing my precious DC-15 and I wanted to let you know I’ll be swinging on by in 3 days, 11 hours, and 29 seconds because I’ll need you to repair it again.Echo and I are putting together a music video. He has decided to dress up as his alias Bruce Wayne and Tup as Robin. I have no idea why they selected those names. They are a bit boring to me but who am I to judge?I’ve made them superhero capes and I’ve also made some for my beautiful Tauntaun children - a yellow one for Obi-Taun Kenobz, a blue one for Tauntaunakin, an orange one for Ahsoka Tauntauno, and a Corrie red one for Bob.In the video, we are going to get a cardboard cutout of Palpatine and I’m going to use my bat whacking moves on it (that’s where my DC-15 comes into play and it will probably get destroyed but it's for the plot). I’ll be wearing a black mask and cape and it will look beautiful. Echo is going to draw clown makeup on Palps.All we need now is a song…As a token of my appreciation for all your amazing weaponry work, I’ll let you have a feature in the music video. We can work out some sort of sponsorship or brand deal too.Your faithful servant and favourite customer,ARC Trooper Fives AKA Bat-man
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Dear Fives,I was trying to mind my own business at 79's, drinking my Cuba libre (rum and coke), when this really random clone was just...I dunno man, the guy was low-key attractive. Teal stripes on his armor, slicked-back Mohawk, and a circular scar on one side of his face on his jaw?Anyway, I was hoping you knew his name and his rank or something like that, because he ended up looking at me and tossing me a wink with a little smirk from across the bar—I almost dropped my rum and coke because of him, okay?—before turning back to what he was doing. Then, man comes up and sees I'm done said rum and coke, and says he'll buy me whatever drink I want—anything, just on him. Kind gesture, but I'm an enby with a heap of trust issues, so I politely turned him down and then ended up leaving the f*cking bar (not my best moment, I will admit, but I'm a coward).I don't know where to find this beautiful specimen of a man, please help (I think someone said something about him serving on Ryloth? I can't remember the details though).-Ash (insane variety)
Dear Ash,Your words are so poetic, they brought a tear to my eyes. They paint such a clear and vivid picture of the beautiful specimen that you have a HIGH KEY CRUSH on (not low key… there is nothing low key about your artistic description).And I can now reveal to you that his name is *drumroll please*
HOWZER!!!
Lucky for you, he and I are super tight. I know his name, his rank, where he lives, his exact coordinates right now, his favourite colour (surprisingly, it’s not teal. He is more of a purple guy), his deepest fears, his darkest secrets, his amazing qualities, and where his secret stash of credits are kept for emergency situations (which involve buying things to keep his kind of boss’ daughter entertained so she doesn’t cause trouble with her orange droid).I have taken the liberty of telling him to go to 79s tomorrow evening, where you may find him sitting at the bar staring wistfully at the screen. There’s your chance to at least say hi.Approach it as if you are seeing a friend. I think part of your fear comes from placing high expectations on your potential interaction with him. As long as you are polite, you’ll either end up making a new bestie or finding the love of your life.Your other bestie Fives will not gloss over those trust issues. Granted, I’m not a qualified therapist (yet - although Echo almost is!) but I think if you don’t trust yourself, it is hard to trust others. We need to work on the self love… so then your heart is READY for lots of love from other people too! My suggestion is to spend five[s] minutes every day looking in the mirror and chanting any of the following phrases (tried and tested by me and my bros):
Live laugh fives
I don’t need to be perfect. I just need to be me
I am not in a slay era. I am in a slay lifestyle. An era implies that there is an end. I will always slay. I’m not limiting myself. My life from beginning to end will slay, and then it shall continue to slay in the memories of my loved ones and fans as I live fivesever in the pages of history. I am but a mortal being with an immortal legacy.
I am worthy of love and kindness
Seppies tremble before me
I trust myself to do what is right in the moment
I can create the safe space that I need
Oh, when you walk by every night talking sweet and looking fine I get kind of hectic inside. Mmm, baby, I’m so into you, darling if you only knew all the things that flow through my mind but it’s just a sweet, sweet fantasy baby… (my son Tauntaunakin sings this while staring at a poster of Senator Amidala in his room. It's so cute. Note to self: send a holo of this to the General)
Haters gonna hate but I will block them in real time with my fists
Also Howzer lives on Ryloth.Don’t stalk him. PLEASE don’t stalk him.But… if you do happen to take an impromptu holiday there, I must ask a favour of you. I have the displeasure of buying Omega the Biting Child a present for Kris Kringle. She has a friend who lives there (the one with the orange droid). Maybe you could get her friend to find a present for me and then deliver it to my house (The Dominocile)? It would save me a lot of hassle. I’m busy trying to plot ways to overthrow the evil gross horrible idiotic foul fiend known as Chancellor P.Hope that helps!Much love,Fivesp.s. if that doesn't work, I'll shout you drinks at 79s. Echo and Tup want to come too.
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Dear Fives,I did it.I f*cking talked to him. It took me a week or two of just, sitting in 79's with my drinks (and maybe vibing with a certain clone, I think his name was Thorn? He had long bleached beach waves in a half-up topknot and a surfer vibe with seafoam colored nail polish, I think) and looking over once in a while, which as countless numbers of your vode have said, is obvious as sh*t.It was NOT, but ahem. Anyway.Howzer did his wink thing, I guess. I totally wasn't wearing this semi-formal looking purple tank top I have with a bit of a cowl neckline and and shorts with snake-patterned fishnets under them and these blunt toed shin-high low-heeled grunge-ass boots with these few strips of buckled leather on the sides (oh, and with mascara and pinkish-red lip gloss but y'know, why not?)—except I was—and taking shots of tequila because sh*t went down recently and it ended up with me being heartbroken as sh*t, but uh...He asked to buy me a drink with that damn smirk, and I could see everyone watching because I think Thorn mentioned a bet the whole bar had going on? Did you know it'd happen or something? But yeah, I hesitated before letting him get me a drink....He got me a g*ddamn Caesar. Extra vodka, extra spice. I don't know how he knew that was one of my favorite drinks, so I'm assuming he just...watched me whenever I'd go into 79's. Which, admittedly, is a lot, it's the closest bar to my place and the energy is peak, even if I'm a civilian.It's embarrassing how I remember so much of this, but he complimented how I looked—how I could pick out clothes or some sh*t like that. And then he complimented me on the hair dye (I redyed my bangs a midnight blue recently, luckily didn't have to bleach cause I got natural dirty blond hair) job and I just...panicked. I yapped so hard I was scared he'd just back away slowly but he ended up matching me at every point.I think I yapped a bit about my tooka kit (11 months old, and she's still a crazy little dinosaur) who wakes me up by coming onto my bed and giving me a meow, maybe a lick on the nose too. Her name's Peanut, and she's essentially a crazy, curious little thing who recently climbed into my Life Day tree, and I love her so f*cking much.But yeah, he just kept...watching with that smirk before asking if he could find me at 79's tomorrow night so I said yeah, and he said to wear what I was wearing in that moment, so I just...tried to contain my flustered ass and to not start stuttering like an idiot who can't handle a hot man spending time and attention on them. Then he took my hand and kissed each of my knuckles as slowly as he could—of course it was with that smirk, it had never left the whole interaction—before winking at me and saying something like, See you then, mesh'la.What does mesh'la mean, and what the f*ck did I get myself into?-Ash, insane variety who can't keep their flustered self intact for that meetup
Dear Ash,I am sworn to secrecy as to what mesh’la means. I’d hate to break my vow (the consequence is losing my honour, my dignity, and having to pay for everyone’s drinks at 79s for an entire year). Normally, I’d love to spill the tea but loyalty means everything to a clone. I must be loyal to my brothers, to myself, and to the vow I have made.You've met my bestie Thorn! He is such a vibe. I’m glad you’ve become besties with him too. If I was stranded on a desert island and couldn’t bring Echo with me, I’d take Thorn. He’s a bit of a fashionista, insanely smart, and one of the kindest souls ever.Did you know that you are amazing? I love that you wore a purple tank top. You paid very good attention to my last bit of advice. I'm impressed.However, I am a little concerned that you were recently heartbroken. Are you okay? Have you spoken to someone to work through that? Time is a great healer of many wounds but sometimes it’s best to speed up the process when such methods are available to us. I love talking to people about my problems. I don’t vent without permission though. But when I do get to talk with people, I feel better because they can see things that I can't.But enough of that! Howzer does have a beautiful smirk. I may or may not have been aware of this bet beforehand. But I didn’t want to tell you because while I am a Cupid, I will not interfere with what must happen naturally. However, I did not tell him about the drink. He really is that perceptive - just one of the many amazing qualities he possesses!I’m so thrilled that you found a wonderful fellow yapper. If people don’t like your yapping, hold a metaphorical hand to their face and walk away. You don’t need that negativity in your life. All you need in life is good friends, love, a good yap, and a tooka named Peanut. I can understand your love for her. I am a buir to four beautiful Tauntauns and they are my galaxy. I’d die for them if called for.Do not feel embarrassed about remembering what would have been such a wonderful night for you. As a side note, do you have any of that hair dye left over? I need to use it on Captain Rex.Now, please take a deep breath, my friend. I think you might need to do some reflection as to why you assume the worst is going to happen with Howzer. He is a gentleman and I assure you that even if this relationship doesn’t progress into the romantic territory, he would never intentionally hurt you. Let’s work on reframing this positively. A wonderful man wants to get to know the wonderful you. Wash your cute outfit, speak those positive affirmations I gave you, and expect to have a fun night at 79s tomorrow.If you’re feeling nervous, I think you should bring a friend with you as moral support. That gives you have a way out if things go wrong but you also have someone there to be excited with you when things go really well!Wishing you luck,Fives
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Dearest Fives,I do hope that you and your little tauntaun family are doing well this holiday season. I was wondering if you and your fellow vode would be interested in a cookie decorating party. Please advise so that enough cookies can be prepared in advance. Happy life day!~AllanniaDearest Allannia,I am so touched by your beautiful words of well wishes for myself and my lovely Tauntaun children. I hope you are thriving! My beautiful family are doing extremely well. In fact, as I write this, Obi-Taun Kenobz is playing The Floor is Lava with Tauntaunakin. My daughter Ahsoka Tauntauno is doing somersaults in the living room and Bob is sitting next to me with a crayon in his mouth. He is already beginning to draw Life Day cards.Obi-Taun Kenobz has suggested that we sell a few of them. He is a bit of a hustler. Bob doesn’t really mind, just as long as we spread some holiday cheer.I would love to come to a cookie decorating party. All of the 501st boys would love to come as well but on the condition that my Tauntaun children can come. Bob is absolutely amazing at icing cakes, so I think he’ll be in his element with cookies.Just a word of warning - we might want to split Tup and Tauntaunakin up and make sure they don’t sit next to each other. Tup has been very aggressive towards him lately. You may want to set some cookies aside for Tup specifically. He will get worried that Tauntaunakin and the rest of his vode will take them all in a frenzy and leave him with nothing to decorate. We would NEVER do that but to make him feel at ease, we should let him pick the cookies first.It might be a bit presumptuous to ask but can Thorn and Thire come too? They need a break from dealing with Commander Fox. Rumour has it that he is positively distraught because the waste of space known as Chancellor P (I refuse to name him in full) is making him work even more overtime hours (I have no idea how that is possible) during the holiday season.Maybe we should also invite Fox? He might say no but if the Tauntauns come, I think he’ll try find a way to attend. He is dying to meet them (they make really beautiful art for Fox. He is their hero. I don’t know why they call Anakin Skywalker 'The Hero With No Fear.' I mean I do but I really think that Fox deserves that title. Or maybe ‘The Bestie With No Fear.’ But I digress…)Please let me know if you want me to bring anything - piping bags, cookie cutters, anything!Happy Life Day!Love,Fives making a list | checking it twice | gonna find out who's naughty or nice
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Dear FivesI put freshly baked cookies in the vents for you, Sinker, and Boost. I've also convinced Master Yoda and Master Windu to walk by there soon. Don't ask me how that's proprietary information.PS if you can dye Master Windu 501st blue, it would be greatly appreciated.PPS I've already printed photos of Master Vos and placed them in the vent for you. The code to Master Windu's room is 0723.PPPS hot pink is definitely Master Yoda's colour.Sincerely,Padawan VeraPadawan Vera,I’m so glad to hear from you again bestie! I’m crawling in the vent right now and typing on the go. I thought it best to give you live updates. I can hear the unsuspecting Jedi slowly walking on by.The smell of the cookies is so strong, so delicious, so enchanting. They are a beacon of light in this dark and cramped space, guiding me to the perfect place to drop this massive supply of ink. Are they chocolate chip flavoured? Actually, it doesn’t matter, just as long as there are no raisins. The resident menaces of the 104th are drooling (I hope it doesn’t spill through the vents. That would be gross).I am in awe that you managed to convince Master Yoda and Master Window to walk under the vent and while I won't press you for details, I'm definitely going to get Echo to get the information out of you.It's been a few minutes and it's starting to get very hot in here (it's not just because I'm in here - and Sinker and Boost. The temperature is really starting to warm up). I hope that they are going to walk by any second now. Oh, I can see the cookies! And the pictures of Master Vos! Thanks bestie!The hot pink ink is ready to pour and I’ve also brought some 501st blue ink. I always have some on hand. You never know when you need to leave your mark somewhere.Okay… it’s been a few minutes and the operation was successfully performed. Mace looks furious and Yoda seems amused. I hope those were the reactions you were after because they were BRILLIANT. My menaces in training recorded it for you.If anything happens, blame the prank on literally anyone but me. Maybe blame it on General Secura and Bly? I’m sure they won’t mind!Let me know how Mace reacts to the thousands of pictures of Vos in his room. If he gets angry, just give him some sage advice about anger leading to the dark side and in this advice column we hate Sith Lords.Lots of love,Fivesp.s. the cookies were delicious. send my compliments to the baker
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Dear FivesTell your menaces in training thanks for the recording, I'll be keeping it for a rainy day and for potential blackmail when Master Windu decides that his mental health needs to take a back seat. Also Master Windu will never find out who did it. I'll just blame Caleb, my Padawan Nephew, because Master Windu can physically not get angry at his Grandpadawan.They just walked onto the bridge, and the Shines and I can't stop laughing!!!PS I am the BakerPPS I would never add the abominations known as raisins to my bakingSincerely,Padawan VeraDear Padawan Vera,I am so proud of you. There’s nothing more heartwarming than hearing that Master Windu will be blackmailed.I think I need to meet this Caleb. He could be very useful in my plans to try and convince the Jedi Council that Chancellor P is the worst. If I get Caleb to tell Master Window then I'm sure he'll support the fight for clone rights (and my plot to overthrow the awful evil Sith Lord and bring peace, freedom, justice, and security to the galaxy. I'm not really about empire building, unless it's a fashion empire. Politically, they don't sit well with me).Thank you once again for the delightful cookies. It is a relief to know that you too find raisins to be an abomination. I’m personally thinking of putting a motion forward in the Senate to ban raisins from all forms of food. They really are criminal.Sincerely,Fives
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Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Where Art Thou
CT-27-5555, ARC Trooper Fives,I am once again holomailing you to see if you have returned from your shore leave. Please report back at once, trooper. That’s an order. You might not be a Coruscant Guard, but I still outrank you. I have three pressing matters that require your attention whilst I enjoy my new caf machine (if I catch you near it, you’re back in your usual cell).One. How were you able to get so many rotations of shore leave? Asking for my men, because I wouldn’t know in the galaxy what to do with so much time off.Two. You owe me some caf mugs. Rex stopped by to get one, which he was allowed to do. I actually offered him the mug because supposedly, you were going to get him one but never did. But I for sure could miss one, even a few, especially since Rex is my vod. But before I knew it, other vode started coming by. And mind you, they were all from the 501st. I had to defend my personal mug with my life (I didn’t put too much effort in that because I don’t value it that much, but at least I still have my mug). I’m all out of spares now.Three. And mind you, this is the most important of all. How are your Tauntauns doing? Did they by any chance make any new drawings? Asking for my vode here at the HQ. I am not that sentimental. But this is a pressing matter. Please report back at once.Insistent regards,
CC-1010 | Fox
(Marshal Commander of the Coruscant Guard | Professional Caf Addict | Chronically Fatigued)
Fox, oh Fox,You with your insistent regards. There’s no need to insist, dear brother. You really need to relax… take it easy!I’m obviously not back. I’ve decided to take a few more days off for reasons that don’t concern you. You might outrank me but in this case, I’m going by the mantra that my Captain lives by - “experience outranks everything.” In the case of rest and relaxation, I outrank you and then some. So no, I’m not ‘reporting for duty’ (unless Rex tells me to because I don’t like it when he gets cross).I can still deal with your matters from the comfort of my own home. Because we are both organised and logical men, I shall answer each matter in turn.
One - Shore Leave
Wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy?
Two - Caf Mugs
I got distracted. I found a mug that I thought would be really good for the Tauntauns to put their paintbrushes in! How could I say no to them? And more importantly, how could you say no to them?I think the real issue here is not the fact that you are terrible at defending your property (which you are) but that you don’t put in any effort. Your life is precious. I LOVE YOUUUUU AND SO DO MY TAUNTAUNS AND SO DOES A CERTAIN LADY WHO HAS A NAME THAT STARTS WITH ‘R' AND ENDS WITH ‘O’ AND HAS AN ‘I’ AND A ‘Y’ IN IT.You need therapy. I can ask Bob to come with you if you need some emotional support.
Three - Tauntauns
Oh Foxy, I could talk about my darling Tauntauns for hours! I am so glad you asked about them. They are the light of my life. Tauntaunakin is currently chewing the carpet with Ahsoka Tauntauno. Obi-Taun Kenobz is spinning around on the ceiling fan (he is testing out a cape I made him) and Bob is following Echo around the kitchen.All four of them are working on a massive collage for you for Life Day. Specifically for you. Most definitely for YOU. If you have time, could you come on by my place - The Dominocile - because Ahsoka Tauntauno needs you to pose for a few of the drawings.The most relaxed and nonchalant regards possible,Fivesy
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My dearest Riyo,You know I have a hard time sharing my emotions and feelings, but I wanted to give it another try anyway. For you. I would have preferred to say these words to you face to face, but through a holomail, I feel like I have the time and space to put into words what you truly mean to me. Without stammering over my words all the time. (Also I’ve been reading some of Fives’ advice columns (please don’t tell him) and Thorn has encouraged me to open up to you more.)Alright, here goes.Riyo, you know my position in the Coruscant Guard isn’t an easy one, and being a clone doesn’t make it any better. Some days are so hard. Guilt is constantly gnawing at me; for sitting behind my desk whilst my batchmates and fellow commanders are fighting at the frontlines, risking their lives rotation after rotation. And I feel worse for wishing to be with them at those frontlines, because who would ever want to be put into such a position willingly? It makes me feel so conflicted; some days I feel like I’m being torn from the inside.And I’m sorry my love, I know you’re an exception, but sitting here in Coruscant and escorting Senators doesn’t make the feeling go away. You know like no other how much corruptness there is inside the Senate, a dark shroud cloaking the Rotunda, holding it in its sinister grasp. Like there is always some scheme lurking around every dark corner, waiting to trap its prey. It shatters my heart that my brothers are fighting out there to better the Galaxy, and knowing I’m here escorting the very people that are tearing it further apart.And then you came along. Riyo, my sweet, dearest Riyo, you are the light that shines at the end of my tunnel. You are my relief when I think this is all for nothing, that there is no hope for the citizens of the Galaxy and for us clones anymore. You are my voice of reason, my grip to sanity. The mere thought of you drags me through my rotations, knowing I will be able to look into your bright, shining eyes again. Knowing you will cradle me when I cry my silent tears during my sleepless nights. When I close my eyes, I can hear your calm voice soothing me, I can smell your sweet scent comforting me, I can feel your soft skin warming me.You know I hate feeling vulnerable. But my dearest Riyo, you make me feel so vulnerable. But with you, I don’t hate that feeling anymore. It makes me feel.. human. Like I’m more than a meat droid, more than a shield that guards society from inevitable collapse. You give me a face, a voice.. a heart.Oh Riyo, you mean the Galaxy to me. You are my Galaxy. And I know it’s selfish, but sometimes I imagine running away with you. Just the two of us. I wouldn’t mind where we’d end up; we could go into hiding on Orto Plutonia for all I care. As long as we’re together. It’s selfish since the war is still raging on and we all have to play our parts in it, but whenever I think about you, about us being together, the darkness suddenly disappears and my mind clears. You always shine your light on me, and I like being in the light. I didn’t know how bright it could shine until you came along. Thank you, Riyo; I am grateful for meeting you. Thank you for sticking with me; I still can’t believe how such a sweet, caring person like you could end up with a lost individual like myself.I am forever looking forward to the next moment we’ll be together, even to the shortest and most subtle moments we can steal away. They are precious to me, Riyo. You are precious to me.Love and always yours,Fox
CC-1010 | Fox
(Marshal Commander of the Coruscant Guard | Professional Caf Addict | Chronically Fatigued)
p.s. I’m sorry, I still haven’t figured out how to delete the automatic signature
*** PRIVATE CHANNEL ***
FOX FOX FOX FOX FOX!!!!!Please take a deep breath.Now take another one.And one more.
please just read this in full before doing anything PLEASE
It seems, uh, you sent this to the wrong person. BUT DO NOT FEAR I would NEVER expose your vulnerable, beautiful, amazing, passionate, profound words that are dripped in love and honey.I HAVE YOUR BACK. I WON'T RELEASE IT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!Can I just say that I finally understand what true love looks like? What it sounds like?I am thrilled that you have found your equal, a kindred spirit, a true love with my bestie Riyo! I am so happy for you both.Your declarations of love are swoon worthy. How can I call myself a poet when you write literary masterpieces? Your words are filled with intense feeling, with sincerity, with soul. There is a tenderness and longing that I attempt to encapsulate with my simple poems but now I know I could never write epics like this for such language can only be drawn upon by those that have experienced the intense, the sacred, the sweet emotion called love. There is a realness to your words that I know would make Riyo never doubt the earnest affection you have for her.You are a true romantic.Would you like to co-author a collection of love poems with me? We can split the profits 50-50 (you’ll need those credits for I hear wedding bells ringing). Or you should go into writing scripts for romantic holos. I'm thinking of writing one and getting Crosshair to star in it.Love and always your bestie,Fivesp.s. I know you won’t let me be best man (and quite frankly there is only ONE man I’d ever be best man for, my Echo Echo Echo) but can I at LEAST get an invite to the wedding? My Tauntauns need a reason to wear their bow ties - and Ahsoka Tauntauno wants to wear her white gloves.p.p.s. You should print your love letter out on some fondant with edible food dye so she can read it then eat it. That way you can express your love and no one needs to find out. Plus, food is the way to the heart. Trust me, as an expert advice columnist, I’d know.p.p.p.s. I can show you how to delete the automatic signature if you want. I need to visit you anyway to drop off some more Tauntaun drawings (Tauntaunakin sends his regards)
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##Tapping sounds####Voice recording activated##Boost: Is it working?Sinker: Of course it is.Boost: You sure?Sinker: The light’s on, you know what, give that to me…Fivesy,It’s Sinker and Boost here. You beautiful beautiful mad man. You really are the master of pranks. About that memo? Not sure if I got to it in time to slip your note in there. Think Wolffe delivered it personally when he and Captain Rex met up for their batch sabaac night. Also, I don’t even want to know how you managed to pull that prank on Wolffe but really. Seriously, I am in awe…teach me your ways!Boost: As promised, that clip is attached. Didn’t quite catch everything, but enough of it. The sound of air whistling out of a balloon, that was just Sinker’s spirit leaving his body as he realized what just happened and he was going to catch the blame somehow.Sinker: Because I always do. My life was flashing before my eyes. It was beautiful though really. Wolffe was so surprised. I think we saw the full range of emotion he was capable of in seconds. Just amazing.We are fully on board with your idea for the mash up. Think he’ll love it. Especially the costume. And if R2 isn’t available, I think one of the guys in Howler company has an old R4 unit that’s not much good at anything, but does decent karaoke. Boost: Yeah, I think it’d be a good idea. Keeps the Commander on his toes. And maybe it’s a little payback for disappearing every so often when we’re on Triple Zero. I think he’s got a girlfriend honestly, but don’t tell anyone. By the way, the Windu thing? No problem, been working on my tooka eyes. It’ll just cost you a couple tickets to Tay’lor Spiff. With that cashgrab of yours that should be no issue right?Sinker: His tooka eyes ARE pretty good. Work on everyone but Wolffe. Oh and you’ve got connections to the Corries right? So next time they feel the need to pick us up for nothing of course, maybe they just can pretend that our armor really does camouflage to the duracrete and not see us? That’d be fantastic.Boost: Yeah, cause last time General Plo had to pick us up and well…Sinker: Boost was crying. He was sad he disappointed buir.Boost: Oh shut up, you were crying too.Sinker: Of course! No one wants to disappoint him. As much as I don’t want to see the commander’s face at o’dark thirty, it’s preferable to being a disappointment. No one wants to see Wolffe’s face that early. No oneBoost: His girlfriend probably does.Sinker: Gagging noisesBoost: Anyway…Oh and when you do get that glitter, Wooley from the 212th might be interested. For totally innocent not commander pranking reasons mind you. Bonus if it’s pink.##sounds of a door opening##Wolffe: The two of you have five seconds to explain what sort of circus I just walked into. Do you two plan this or is it just your default setting?Sinker: Nothing. Absolutely nothing sir.Boost: Great, that was believable.Wolffe: Every single gray hair I have is because of you two, you know that right? What is that? Are you recording?Sinker: No…Wolffe:: Give me that…Is that a 501st comm channel?Sinker: Uh…weird, that…Wolffe: Five, four, three---Boost: Alexa, snap holo, send voice message. And help.Wolffe: Who the kriff is Alexa?Alexa: Your holo vid attachment, holo and voice message have been sent.##End of transmission##
My beautiful, beautiful menaces,I was wondering when you’d give me an update. I’ve been dying to get the inside scoop!I was actually going to respond by a holomessage. Long story but essentially I bribed my editor (who is on strike) to set up the equipment by mentioning I’d set her up on a date with Hunter (he has no idea but love is unsuspecting... or is it that love comes when you least suspect it? idk). She immediately passed out. Absolutely no chill that lady has.Anyway, I’m now resorting to the pen (which I prefer). I am more than capable of sending a holovoice message on my own (my ARC Trooper skills are extensive) but since you have Alexa sending your messages, it inspired me to get my editor to send mine. She has nothing to do (because my messages are flawless. It’s not arrogance it’s just the truth) and I am paying her, so I guess it's something?As an aside, give Alexa a message from me. Say this exactly - "Hey Alexa play Despacito."Your glorious message brought more than a tear to my eye. I’ve gone through at least three handkerchiefs. Echo’s gone through four. Tup thought it was funny too but he's rolling around in the garden at the moment so the only reason why he is crying is from hay-fever.I don’t know what was more beautiful - the complex brilliance of the clip (and Sinker's spirit leaving his body) or the delightfully hilarious anger radiating off Wolffe (and was that a voice crack I heard from him?). There is no need to worry about the note, my little menaces. I’ll see to it that my connections in the CG can wipe it from the official records and somehow threaten Rex to not say anything. Perhaps Fox might suggest to Riyo to suggest to Ahsoka that Rex needs to keep quiet. Fox and I are pretty much best friends (please don't tell Wolffe I beg you please please please).And those transport issues? If you find yourself being picked up for no apparent reason, I am sure that Commander Thorn can arrange transportation. He will take you to a safe house - my place, The Dominocile. If you bring the R4 unit to me, I can make some time to start your next phase of pranking training. I was also thinking we could perform 'All I Want for Christmas Is You' as we prank Master Windu (also I won't tolerate any slander against the greatest song of all time, second to Mr Astley's wondrous discography). Start your vocal warm ups now as the training session will be intense.Please note there is a small service fee of one hug per session. To become a master of pranking, you’ll need to do at least ten thousand hours - so I hope you have enough hugs to cover the cost.I also think you should assist Wooley with his machinations. I’ve got some beautiful bright pink glitter (so bright you need to wear sunglasses) that works really nicely with the 212th colours. Bring him along to our training as well!The Tay’lor Spiff tickets are no hassle to obtain (I’m proud of you for bargaining with me. That’s very impressive - but I’m one step ahead of you). I’ve started a side hustle where I sell them to people. I steal tickets off scrapers (my methods are secret but they involve jumping people) and sell them at reduced rates to those in need. You qualify!ALSO MOST IMPORTANTLY SINCE WHEN HAS WOLFFE HAD A GIRLFRIEND? WHY DO I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS? I NEED ALL THE DETAILS IMMEDIATELY!!!!!
What does she look like? Is she nice? What are her opinions on clone rights? Does she have a sister?
(Not for me, obviously. I’m trying to help Cody find love. He told me I’m not allowed to help but that’s obviously code for ‘please help me I am desperate for love and affection and I cannot stand having to cover for Obi-Wan and Satine because they are so mushy and gushy over pictures of baby Korkie and I CANNOT BEAR IT ANY LONGER’).
Lots of love from your proud mentor,Fivesy
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CT-27-5555, ARC Trooper Fives,Today I would like to inform you about the importance of taking care of one’s staff and coworkers. Not only are they here to aid us, to take work out of our own hands and thus easing our workload (and keeping our sanity in check), they are the backbone of society. If you’re lucky (I am for once, in this matter), you can call them friends or even family.When you’ve been working together for a while, when you’ve been through.. events together, you’ll get to know each other; they’ll know you. They know it when you’re overworked, running around to take over your work. They know it when you’re tired, doing everything in their power to finish up your work so you can get some sleep. They know it when you’re out of caf, sneaking in during meetings to give you your favourite mug with steaming hot, fresh caf. They know it when you’re fretting about something, trying to amuse and entertain you to distract you from your spiraling thoughts.Please do not take them for granted; they matter as much as you and I (I actually feel like they matter more than I do).It has come to my wakeful attention that you owe your editor a makeover. I think after all the trouble you’ve put her through, you should make it a priority. I am watching you, and I will not hesitate filing a promised-yet-denied-makeover-report if you do not keep your word. I might even ask Thorn to do it, since his creativity knows little bounds. It worries me sometimes, but I really appreciate him for it as well. His creativity has gotten me out of some tight situations, actually (and no, I won't be elaborating).
Watchful regards
(I have her holomailaddress, so don't assume I won't contact her to check),
CC-1010 | Fox
(Marshal Commander of the Coruscant Guard | Professional Caf Addict | Chronically Fatigued)
Dear CC-1010, Marshal Commander Fox,Thank you for your thorough analysis on the importance of staff and coworkers. I found your dissertation enlightening and thoughtful. It is a universal truth that happy workers are the backbone of society and are vital to creating a positive corporate culture that nurtures values such as care, consistency, and caf.Today I would like to inform you about the importance of workplace hierarchies. I fully accept that as a Marshal Commander, you have the duty to ensure that those under you perform their duties to the highest standard. All reputable businesses and organisations have a respectable HR department that deals with complaints if and when they arise.An HR department should listen to employees, contractors, and any other class of employed person impartially. A good manager is frank, concise, and provides a swift solution that balances the interests of all parties involved. A great manager ensures that staff keep to their hours and ensures that proper compensation is given for any work done overtime. A perfect manager would ensure that not only is there unlimited caf, but that situations that cause spiralling thoughts do not arise (or are at least kept to a minimum, for not all circumstances can be managed to avoid conflict).However, according to my records, the HR manager for my highly esteemed advice column, ‘Ask Fives’ is not you. It is enough having Mr Echo as my non-official HR manager (because he currently not on payroll). I do not also need you on my back.Interestingly, I find that your analysis is not only an accurate description of the workforce at large, but that it also provides deeper insights on your psyche. I am alarmed at some of the items that you have raised and will endeavour to ensure that your boss is deposed swiftly and efficiently.
(If you so wish to take part in this grand event, please contact me directly).
However, I am not averse to taking complaints. A fantastic company deals with them in earnest and will ensure that changes are made so that preventable errors are not repeated.I have noted as per your message that my editor requires a makeover. Although I am not obligated to provide you with the reasons as to why this has not taken place, I feel compelled to do so (for I fear the looming threat of a report).Alas, I have struggled in vain and it will not do. I am unable to pinpoint her colour season, her body type, her aesthetic, and a bunch of other buzzwords that you can insert here. To be truthful, my attention has been fully focused on firstly ensuring my children are adequately clothed in fashionable styles that reflect their personality, and secondly ensuring that the Life Day ugly sweaters I am making are completed in time.I will escalate your complaint to the next available customer service agent and strive to reach an outcome that will satisfy you.
(She is going to look so chic after I give her this makeover. My preliminary thoughts are Space Cowgirl meets Techcore meets Pabu Casual. Throw in a few beautiful floral dresses and some edgy makeup and a red lip, and she’ll feel like a million credits).
I kindly suggest that you refrain from involving Commander Thorn in this situation. It is not necessary. However, I would be willing to change my stance on his involvement if you elaborate on how his creativity has assisted you. Has this creativity extended to meetings with particular Senators?Kind regards,
Mr Fives O’First
advice columnist | mistletoe farmer | trustee for tup’s trust fund | responsible adult | arc trooper
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Dear Coruscant's most loved and most creative ARC Trooper,Following the GAR Weaponeer's sensible plea for you not to use DC's as a bat again because it's not what it is, I'd like to offer you my support to absolutely use it again for the hell of it. Knowing the 15S is equipped with folding stock, which when extended, it should allow you to hit the Chancellor dummy and perhaps a Mas Amedda one that stands right behind him simultaneously. Or Senator Burtoni. Or maybe General Krell! (I'm absolutely talking about dummies)Waiting for your music video! I wonder if one day you and Torrent would release another superhero-themed single that involved intense rivalry between a Captain Coruscant or a Durasteel Man. If so, I'd like to suggest your captain and Marshcom Cody of the 7th Sky Corps for each respective role.Yours,Some perceptive GAR natborn intern from an undisclosed division that happened to pass by Marshcom Fox's office every day (want me to spy on him?)Dear Some perceptive GAR natborn intern from an undisclosed division that happened to pass by Marshcom Fox’s office every day (yes, I do want you to spy on him),THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!I plan on making it a daily habit to use my DC-15’s in my Bat-man persona. Your idea to hit Mas Amedda is genius.You know what, I’m just going to go all in. I never back down from a challenge… or from the opportunity to serve justice efficiently. I’m going to throw in Senator Burtoni and General K**** (I refuse to say his full name again). The dummies will look extremely life like.And if all of them don’t turn up for work again after the music vid is made? That’s not my problem.I very much like your musical suggestions. I get the feeling that the poetic language of your soul is music (while mine is the written word itself). The casting choices are brilliant. Perhaps you were born to be a casting director? If you ever want the gig, let me know. It would pay much better than that intern position you have!If you so happen to swing on by the Senate Building, say, in two days at 12:00, I can give you a cameo role in the vid. Don’t worry, I’ll get you a mask. If you’d like, I could let you wear a 501st bucket! It would suit the superhero theme because I'll dress you up as Captain Rex.Yours,Fives
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Fear Uncle FivesI need to get my buir a Christmas present and I don't have a clue what to get him. Please send help. This is my first Christmas with him. (he adopted me)- Fox's AdTo Fox’s Ad,Well isn’t Fox a sly little thing (puns are always intended on my part, it almost goes without saying. I find them to be an interesting and enlightening literary device that really captures the humorous nature of the written word)! He hasn't said a word! But he's pretty good at keeping secrets (except I know almost all of them).I think you should convince Thire to dress up as Fox for an entire week and then force Foxy to go away on holiday. Don’t tell Fox though. Just shove him on a shuttle going literally anywhere and at the last second say "Merry Christmas! Thire has everything under control. Bye!"Please do not get Thorn to dress up as Fox. I think Fox would jump out of the shuttle.I also think some Christmas cookies would make him very happy. And maybe one of those stress relieving colouring in books? And a bean bag. Also blue mittens and a scarf with tassels.Love,Fives
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Dear Fives, is there a chance I could catch you under the mistletoe?Love, your biggest fan ever.My biggest fan ever,I’m waiting for you.With a wildly beating heart that belongs to your very own,Fivesxx
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Dear Mr Person,The Coruscant Guard is reaching out to you due to a reported incident. We got a complaint about an unregistered prank. We need you to show your prankster genes flimsiwork.I'm kidding haha. Well not about the complaint, but I don't need you to show me the flimsiwork. I know you're the real deal, so I got your back, vod!The person walked in and I sat them down and acted like I was composing a complaint report (we have those, unfortunately), but I was actually doodling us holding hands. I’m still finetuning it, but let me know if you want to see it.I was super inspired by the drawings of your precious Tauntauns obviously. Have you recently been to the Corrie Gee HQ? (Any vent-ures lately, eh? Seriously, be careful with the conduit worm infestation, it still hasn't been taken care of; not sure if anyone bothers at this point.) There is no free space left in Fox’s office, so he continued decorating the corridors. It's awesome that he's sharing them with us; the drawings are incredible and the mood in the HQ has never been better ever since!Alright I should try and get some work done. Not that Fox will notice if I don't, but I'd hate for him to have to pick up my work (he's already buried in flimsiwork). Speaking of which, I should check if he hasn't fallen asleep yet - he might have accidentally spilled caf on some reports in the past (and you know what's worse than filing reports? Having to file the same ones twice! Speaking out of experience).Love ya and take care!sworn Thorn to be yoursDear Thorn,I would like to consult with my lawyer (Echo) before responding to the allegations...But you can totally see my prankster genes flimsiwork. Echo has a copy of it hidden safely away in our top secret safe which no one will ever find. The password to open the safe is super long, so expect to wait at least 10 days.In the meantime, I need to see that drawing of us holding hands - that is so sweet. If you want me to write an accompanying poem on the depths of brotherly affection, let me know. Is there a particular style of poem you want me to write? Or should I just surprise you? Do you think I need to write one for Thire and Stone and Fox so they don't get jealous? And one for Report?Thorn, it’s as if we are twins that were separated at birth - except Echo is my twin and I know I’m not a triplet but you get my meaning. We are kindred spirits, born to make the galaxy a better place simply by existing.I think I should visit you to see the picture. Plus, I want to look at the CG HQ. Knowing that my Tauntauns inspire Fox and the rest of you boys makes me so proud. I've always known they were destined for great things (oh, and the CG too).Do you think that I should bring my Tauntauns along with me (travelling by vent, of course)? I think Tauntaunakin and Ahsoka Tauntauno would love the adventure. They love exploring and thrill seeking! It might do them good to see the drawings up on the wall. After all, it’s always nice when people get to share in the experience of art. It would also do wonders for their mood too, especially if they happen to 'accidentally' drop out of the vent above Mr Foxy's office and get to play with him!Love ya!Your best buddy in blue,Fives
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The Fantastic Four Fives,Sorry it took me a while to respond to your holomail, we had a bit of a situation at the HQ (would be best if you wait a little longer before coming over). Everything will be alright, we were just taking on some more work than usual. No need to worry about it (we're worrying enough ahahaha I'm kidding we're doing great we've never been better we're all super stable especially Fox he's healthy he loves caf nothing wrong here please move along)!Alright, I'll give it a shot. Don't worry, I changed the VPN and encrypted the user data so no one will find out what we're talking about. (I wish I could learn Fox those tricks but you know he's a bit of an illiterate when it comes to technology) (I love him tho I didn't mean that in a derogatory way I would never say anything bad about the Marshal Commander he would give his life for any of us and I would gladly do the same for him)Sooo your top secret safe, right? Let me guess. On the ceiling of Tauntaunakin’s room there's this super weird customised IKEA Death Star lamp (what even is a Death Star? Your creativity knows no bounds, my dear vod) and when you pull the string, a secret hatch will open in the floor below his little bunk bed (it reminds me of the ones back on Kamino but like a cute, smaller version, bless your soul).When you descend into the space below, you should watch out for the Rancor. He will eat you if you have bad intentions. But he'll yield to chin scratches; he will be as excited as a Massiff puppy if you give him some good scratches, and he will let you pass if you do. In the room beyond there's a life-sized board of dejarik. The door to the safe’s room will only open when you win a match of holochess.And when (or if) you finally make it inside the safe's room, let me think about the password.. It's the blue ratio of phives, isn't it? It's just 5.5555555555555555 and so on for 10 days long?I won't come and crack your safe obviously, but I would love to come over to The Dominocile and see your prankster genes flimsiwork in person! I'll take my drawing with me, you can have it of course! And I'll bring some snacks for your lovely and brilliant and talented Tauntaun children as well!Your (rose)bud Thorn
p.s. I hope you have a pile of new Tauntaun artwork laying around because Fox is going to need ALL of them
To the Thorn that rose to the occasion,No need to apologise! I understand the situation was… tense. I am a bit worried for you though. Are you okay? Do you need me to get the 501st to help you with the flimsiwork? Or I could just get Jesse to give you a neck massage while you work (he’s amazing at it. He’s actually giving me one now as I write this. He says hello).How did you know where the safe was? I thought it was hidden really well! (And the Death Star is just an idea that came to me in a dream but only the outside design of it. I have no idea what it’s supposed to do. Maybe to hold parties inside?) I'm seriously impressed and slightly concerned. Jesse is in awe of you.There isn’t a Rancor but sometimes Obi-Taun Kenobz likes to sit in the space below. He will yield to chin scratches. Everything else is correct except the password. The only hint I’ll give you is that it’s a song that requires two people to sing it for 10 days. Well, it’s not a song. More like a greatest hits medley.All that being said, I’ll get my prankster genes flimsiwork out in exchange for the drawing. I think it’s a decent trade. You’ll need to wear gloves if you handle it.My children are excited at the prospect of snacks and I’m excited that you called them "lovely and brilliant and talented" - for they are! They cannot wait to see their Uncle Thorn! In fact, they’ve started working on some more art for you and for Fox. Bob might need help carrying them down the stairs. I don’t understand how he draws so fast. And each drawing is phenomenal.What did I do to deserve the most perfect children in the world?Could you try and see if Uncle Fox wants to visit his niece and nephews too?Much love from your,Fives
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Fives,It's been a while. It's me, Riyo, and I need your help with picking Fox a gift for Life Day. I'm at your mercy here because I have no idea what to get him! He always brushes off my questions about what should I get him and he doesn't seem interested in anything besides coffee and work either. I hope you have some good advice as always.Have a nice day,your friend and bestie in law, Riyo.My bestie in law!You know what I love about your relationship with Fox? He is terrible at hiding it and you are open about it and yet literally no one in the Senate knows? Teach me your ways. I am in awe.Now about our dear little Silver Foxy. He’s a bit of a tricky one, isn’t he? Unless you can convince the disgusting awful evil villainous waste of space Chancellor P to get him some time off, I think you should get Fox a fluffy robe. He can wear it when he works. And maybe an eye mask too?Get it in blue - it will contrast nicely with his Corrie red armour and it will send a message to the other boys that he is open game to be teased NOT to be disturbed.If all else fails, a little bit of mistletoe would be the perfect gift. I actually run a mistletoe farm out the back of my house - The Dominocile. As my favourite bestie in law, I can give you a great deal. For a limited time only, I am offering 100 sprigs of mistletoe for 100 credits. I’ll also throw in a Life Day themed drawing of you and Fox, as drawn by the artistic maestro Bob (my darling Tauntaun). Rumour has it that Foxy loves these drawings. I mean it’s not a rumour it’s just the cold hard truth. If someone hated Bob’s drawings tbh I’d consider them a psychopath.You should see if Chancellor P hates them!Love from your bestie in law and budding mistletoe distributor,Fives
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Dear Fives,It's your niece again so do you know any ways to make my old man Rex laugh. Even if you don't do know a way to just give him a smile during the holidays.P.S I'm writing this while I'm supposed to be doing my jedi training don't tell my mom or dadYour lovely niece Ashla.Dear Ashla,He is the most ticklish man I’ve ever met - particularly on his elbow. It makes him laugh in the most high pitch tone. It’s low-key frightening.If that doesn’t work, force him to watch one of those ‘Top 10 times a Battle Droid did something stupid’ videos. It’s ridiculous how funny he finds them. It makes one wonder if his sense of humour is broken…But you didn’t hear that from me.Well, you did, but maybe don’t tell Rex it was my idea?Please.Love,Fives
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Fives,Do you have any advice for training tookas?You see, my sweet tooka, Sable, is a lovely kitty. She’s pretty, sweet, and smart. The only issue is that she’s too smart and I can’t get her to stop stealing things from me.First, it was my gym card, then my ring, then my hair ties, then the holo remote! She keeps stealing larger and larger items, and I don’t know where she will stop.Do you think this could be some sort of master plan? Eventual galaxy domination? I just don’t know anymore!For the record, though, the items don’t vanish completely. She simply hides them elsewhere in the house, after marking them as hers with her sharp tooka teeth.Please help me! I am at a loss and I don’t know where else to turn!- Klepto Tooka Owner
Dear Klepto Tooka Owner,I must confess that I felt a sudden rush of nervousness for 0.5 seconds as I read your ask. I feel as if I am in the presence of greatness.But I am the master of my emotions. I am composed. I am ready to change your life.As a father to four Tauntauns (and a father figure to Tup), I understand the difficulties that come with sharing a home with others. It is a privilege and a joy to share a home with Echo, hence the purposeful omission from the previous sentence.Part of me wants to say that Sable is just a beautiful tooka (who has stolen my heart) and this is just her instincts speaking.However, my advice column senses are tingling. I sense that there is a deeper problem here. Good thing for you, I believe in psychoanalysing everything!I believe this is a two part problem. Firstly, I think Sable's tendency to steal may stem from feelings of being ignored. Now, this is not a reflection on you. The fact you are asking for advice indicates to me that you are the world's best tooka parent.I think Sable doesn't quite know how to put into words her need for attention. Thus, she steals items as a way to ask for it. She thinks that by marking your items, she is showing how close she wants to be to you. Unfortunately, it gets lost in translation (but fortunately for you, I learnt how to speak Tooka as a cadet). To fix this, I suggest you spend at least 15 minutes every day with her, giving her your full attention (and a lot of hugs).Secondly, I think that Sable is destined for greatness. What you need to do is reframe how you approach Sable. In addition to treating her as your child, you should think about what she can do for you. Yes, she steals. Yes, stealing is a crime. Yes, this should be encouraged.The trick is to distract Sable and get her to steal somebody else's stuff. It is absolutely vital you encourage this, for she is born to dominate the galaxy. It is a perfectly respectable ambition to have if you are NOT a Sith Lord.If all else fails, I have heard that some of the 212th boys are starting a Tooka Academy. They get housetrained, make friends, learn valuable life lessons, then have a beautiful graduation ceremony. Rumour has it that Cody is a genius at putting together Powerpoint presentations for these types of events (he loves using the swipe transition but don't tell anyone because he has a reputation to uphold).I hope that helps.With the most humble and reverent regards to you and Sable,Fives
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Tooka Master Fives,I wanted to update you:I have been following your advice and have been spending more time with my sweet/scary tooka, Sable. As you suggested, I have been spending at least 15 extra minutes a day with her and she seems to really appreciate it! Nothing of mine has gone missing since I made this change!I followed your other piece of advice as well by helping Sable to find… other targets to practice her thieving skills on. First, she brought back things from our neighbors: flimsi mail, garden tools, and even a hoverboard. After a while, though, I realized that it was taking her longer and longer to return from her escapades.She seems to have taken an interest in a particular senator and now I feel like you might be onto something about Sable being destined for greatness.She would bring back fancy swaths of fabric (it’s unclear whether she tore these off someone’s outfit while they were wearing it or while it was left unattended). Next, she brought a datapad that was so fancy, there was just no way it could belong to a regular civilian. I turned it on and, sure enough, the log in page to the Republic Senate database appeared.The next day, Sable brought back a piece of flimsi with the log in information on it. The writing was very messy, but we made do. Also, there were some… red stains on the flimsi. Maybe that’s not important.So we logged into the Senate database, only it wasn’t your standard database. It was full of encryptions and codes that seemed to serve some sort of significant purpose, but I couldn’t be sure. Sable indicated that she would find more information.The next day she returned with red-stained paws and a lightsaber in her mouth. The lightsaber was red… Who around here carries a red lightsaber? This senator, obviously? Sable has been a bit vague about the identity of whoever she’s been stealing from. I don’t even know if they’re still alive and I don’t want to ask.What was that you said about Sable’s crime being acceptable, as long as she wasn’t a Sith Lord? Because I’m starting to wonder what Sable’s real goal is here. Does she want to rule the galaxy? Now that she has that red lightsaber, I feel like she’s approaching unstoppable.Please help! If this is even a problem? I don’t know anymore!- Klepto-Turned-Sith (???) Tooka Owner
To my dear Padawan Klepto-Turned Sith (???) Tooka Owner,Everything is going exactly as I hoped! A little bit of attention and a whole lot of redirecting evil intentions towards other people can really change a Tooka! Sable is in loving hands with you.I hope that the flimsi mail, garden tools, and hoverboard make a fine addition to your collection. I think the phrase goes ‘finders keepers’ or something like that?About the fancy swaths of fabric… you have me extremely intrigued. The red stains are extremely important. I see that Sable has been getting my telepathic messages. Please give her an extra hug from me and some ear scratches. Also I implore you to encourage her to tear them off said person. I usually detest biting (I don’t want to go into it right now) but I fully support Sable on her biting journey to gloriousness. It must be encouraged. If anything goes wrong, just tell the authorities it was me and they’ll be totally cool with it (I’m practically a Corrie Guard trooper myself - all but in name).A RED LIGHTSABER OH YES OH GOOD. YOU MUST KEEP ENCOURAGING SABLE YOU HAVE TO THE GALAXY IS AT STAKE HERE!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE CLEAR I CAN BE WITHOUT SPOILING MY PLANS TO KILL SAID SENATOR WITH FOX BY MY SIDE!!! Sable should come when I plan to make this trip to the Senate. She can use the lightsaber.I can personally assure you that Sable is not a Sith Lord but she’s very close to being one. There is NOTHING to worry about. She’s doing great. If she wants to rule the galaxy, we must let her. What has been set in motion cannot be undone. Again, DO NOT WORRY! It’s all perfectly good and wholesome (to an extent) and I promise you there is nothing evil going on. I would never compromise my integrity or morals.Perhaps Sable should wear a SpaceGoPro on her collar. I think whatever footage she can gather will be of vital importance.This is the greatest day of my life. This is not a problem - this is a promise for the future.With the happiest of regards,Fives
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Fives,Thank you for your assistance on my road to power.Meow.Sable 🩸
Dear Sable,Anything for you, my master.Meow meow meow meow.Your faithful servant,Fives
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Dear FivesHow did you get into writing?-LycanwingDear Lycanwing,I was born with a blaster in one hand and a quill in the other. It was not that I got into writing but that writing has always been a part of me.Such a thing cannot be forced.I bleed poetry.Love,Fives
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Dear FivesDo you ever think about the fact that if someone cloned Echo, his clone would be an echo of an echo of an echo? (because technically, Echo is an Echo of Jango Fett)-LycanwingDear Lycanwing,You are a GENIUS! I now have more Echo joke material - one can never have enough!I’m going to be thinking about this for the rest of my life. Could you imagine it, a baby Echo Echo Echo? That child is going to be so smart, so handsome, so kind, so revolutionary. I know without any doubt that Echo would be the best buir in the whole galaxy.But on a deeper philosophical and scientific level, it is indeed quite the marvellous mystery. I'll try to not have an existential crisis over this.With regards that go on and on and on (like my love for Echo),Fives
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Dear Fives,How do you talk to girls? I've been shot down one too many times and I'm starting to lose hope. But I see people posting about how cute you and the other Torrent Company troopers are all the time! You must be doing something right. Please tell me your secrets?Sincerely,One Lonely Brother
Oh my brother,How my heart breaks for you! Let me tell you that we always have hope.I don’t know much about you, so it is hard to pinpoint exactly why you are having some setbacks. Part of me wonders what you are saying to the ladies to make them shoot you down. But do not fear! I am very willing to spill all my secrets!I’m actually working on a new book called ‘Fives’ Guide to Getting A Girlfriend: Clone Trooper Edition.’ Below is an excerpt I know will help you.
Here are my top Fives tips for finding love.
1. Respect women.
Don’t be a creep.
2. Be yourself.
Authenticity attracts the ladies - no one likes a try hard. If flirting is embedded into your DNA, then embrace it. If it’s not, please avoid flirting. No one likes it when Thire tries out pick up lines. It’s painful. Don’t be like Thire.
3. Don’t come across as desperate.
If you are not secure in yourself, then you are not ready for a relationship. I said what I said.
4. Have interests and hobbies that you actively pursue.
This is a very attractive quality because you need to bring something to the relationship (other than your handsome face).
5. Say NO to red flags.
It can be hard to spot them, so it’s always good to have people in your life that can hold you accountable. Unnecessary heartbreak does not slay but friends that look out for your best interests slay all day!
My brother, I suggest you reframe those setbacks because I suspect it is giving off bad vibes (which are scientifically proven to keep the ladies away). I personally like to consider every 'no' I get as a positive thing. That’s because it eliminates another person from my search for the love of my life, therefore making it easier! And if someone isn't the love of my life, at least I can make a new friend. It’s all about perspective.But I’m in no rush to find love. I don’t like to force such sacred emotions and experiences.That’s not to say that I don’t like to flirt. I love flirting. I'm a big believer in putting myself out there letting love find me when the time is right.For my fans out there reading this - my book will be available everywhere where books are sold in one week. If you’d like me to come to your city on my book tour (where I talk about my book, do free giveaways, book signings, and have meet and greets), please let me know!May the wings of love lift you up and make your heart soar with bliss.Sincerely,Fives
author | brains and heart of the clone rebellion | mistletoe farmer | arc trooper | single
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Hey Fives!One Lonely Brother here...but I'm not lonely anymore!I thought about your advice on talking to girls, and I realized I was coming across too desperate. I'd go into every conversation assuming I'd lose out on the love of my life if I messed up. Instead of being in the moment and enjoying my time with the girl, I'd get too in my own head and obsess over every little thing I said and did. It would really turn girls off, which just made me even more desperate to impress them, which only made things worse.So, I decided to not worry so much and take more risks. It turns out girls are really impressed by a man who dances -- or at least the girl I met at 79's was. We met the next day for caf and one thing led to another and ... well let's just say I've got a good feeling about this girl. And even if it doesn't work out in the end, I'm glad I had some nice times with her. So thank you for convincing me to try a different way.--One Not-So Lonely Brother
Hello One Not-So Lonely Brother!I am so glad that the excerpt of my forthcoming publication has turned that frown upside down! Loneliness is a terrible beast and you have slayed it with your metaphorical gold encrusted sword!Being relaxed and being yourself is such an important part of being in any relationship. It is fantastic to hear that you were able to self-reflect and identify what needed to be fixed. I can see how that would have been a very frustrating cycle where you felt the need to impress, only to drive the ladies away even more!Dancing really is the key to the woman of your dreams’ heart! I always say that if a woman appreciates some epic moves then she is a KEEPER! I’m thrilled that you’ve got a good feeling about this - because so do I. I’m all for low-key caf dates that turn into something more. I love your new mindset. It’s so true that even if a relationship doesn’t work out, at least you can reflect on all the positive moments. I have a sneaking suspicion you’ve met THE ONE (and please quote me on it. I am always right).It was a privilege to help you, my brother. If you ever find yourself needing advice on planning a proposal, I’m here for you. Always remember that healthy, open, and truthful communication is the foundation of any relationship. If you stay true to yourself, you are bound to uphold these qualities.Giggling behind my datapad,Fives
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Dear Fives,It's getting really cold & I just feel like snuggling & watching a holo. Do you, Echo, Tup & the Tauntauns like to watch holos when it gets too cold on Hoth? What are you guys' favorite comfort holos?Cheers!AnnaDear Anna,Snuggling and watching holos has to be in my top 3 favourite things to do. It’s scientifically proven to release stress and increase the warm and fuzzy feelings. I would know because I’ve conducted extensive studies on snuggleology. Some might say I’m the leading expert in this emerging field.We all have different favourite holos. It sometimes makes it hard to pick something to watch but I find it’s always a good opportunity to teach my Tauntauns (and Tup) about the importance of compromising and the value of household harmony. Echo agrees.Tup loves action holos, Echo enjoys a good crime drama, and I am all about romcoms. Obi-Taun Kenobz loves a historical flick (he likes to nitpick the outfits because most of the time they are wildly inaccurate. He’s super into the historical fashion side of SpaceYouTube). Tauntaunakin likes watching Senate Question Time reruns (for Senator Amidala) and Ahsoka Tauntauno has recently become obsessed with Pantoran soap operas.As for Bob, he loves anything wholesome. He is a bit sensitive so we play him kids holos. I did see him once watching a murder mystery though. He managed to solve it in minutes. He had a board set up with pictures and red string and everything! It was most impressive. But I try to make sure he’s watching age appropriate shows. Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.We’d love to have you swing on by The Dominocile if you want to join in! Holo night is tomorrow - no need to bring anything except your lovely self (and any recs you might have).Much love,Fives
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Fivesever After,I am in dire need of your sharp mind. And I mean like, right now (help).Funny thing, combine the ‘forever’ and the ‘sharp’ and you’ve covered my problem. So I was using a sharpie to scribble a goatee on my chin. You know, in preparation for our great exchange (aka the Swaptastic Scheme) to fool Fox and Rex (I’m sure no one will notice besides Echo and Thire).
I DIDN’T KNOW SHARPIES ARE PERMANENT!!!!!!!!1!!11!1
I love you man (and your goatee obviously), but I have a meeting with Fox and the other Corrie Gee commanders later this rotation and I don’t think Mr Marshal appreciates it if I show up like this. No offence.So if you know any way of getting rid of sharpie-on-skin, I'd totally owe you one (let me know if you need an autograph from Fox or something). Also please don’t come up with ordnance because I’d like to keep the rest of my face, thankyouverymuch. I am the face of the Coruscant Guard, after all (I love Fox but those greying hairs and the bags below his eyes aren’t a great promo for us).Awaiting your solution with the greatest anticipation,
Fox will scorn the
Thorn
p.s. It looks really good actually, maybe I should just grow a goatee for real?
A Thorn amongst the roses (I don't mean for that to be an insult I just think it sounds poetic),
Why you so obsessed with me? Boy I wanna knowwwww
You'd think that like your namesake, you'd be sharp. Instead, you're just covered in sharpie. Ironic (or iconic? you decide).Please do NOT grow a goatee. That’s my thing. You’re only allowed to temporarily have one for the Swaptastic Scheme. I’m overlooking your offensive comments because I’d actually love to see Fox’s reaction. I have already informed Thire and he will be producing some lovely recordings for me.Unless.. I do have a solution. I think the only way to solve this problem is for you to go in hiding forever…Just kidding! Although, if you went in hiding then your job would become vacant and maybe I could take it. That way, I could get Fox’s autograph all the time!I think the best way to solve this is to continue using the sharpie and draw a full on beard. Let's just hope Foxy is so tired that he doesn't notice (you're going to be in SO MUCH TROUBLE! hehehehe). Maybe I could get his lady love to visit when the meeting starts so he is forced to behave. That will cost you an autograph AND a week's worth of space tacos.Love,Fivesp.s. in the meantime, you should let our buddy Clone Trooper Report be the face of the CG. Might be good to have a young face in the promo material for a change ;)
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Dear fives.I believe we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.After a thorough conversation with my medic about my behavior and a threat to sedate me I would like to formally apologize.I'm sending over some cookies from my lovely Jedi general that I helped make as well as a picture album of Dusty. As we share custody over the fluffy little creature I thought you would appreciate some moments you may have missed.I hope you have a wonderful festive season- Commander GhostDearest GHOSTY BOIIIII,There’s nothing like the threat of sedation to force someone into submission (it’s as if I can see Kix standing in the doorway right now… help).All is fivesgiven and fivesgotten. That doesn’t have the best ring to it but you get my point.I have been desperate to know how the little one is doing - Dusty is so beautiful. Thanks for sending the album. Rex took some copies so we can hang them up around our barracks. I’ve got one sitting on top of my fireplace in a beautiful golden frame (I’m getting into antiques at the moment. I think you should explore that avenue Mr Ghostbusters. It’s very soothing).Please send my sincerest thanks to your General for the delicious cookies… and to you! I had no idea you were such a wonderful baker! They were absolutely divine and practically melted in my mouth. If you don’t mind, Echo would love a copy of the recipe. Or perhaps you could visit us at The Dominocile and make them with us!Have a wonderful Life Day, Ghost of Christmas Past (or present? Or yet to come? Or all three?).Love,Fives
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Dear Fives, hey! It's been a while!Six, coming at you from a café. Any suggestions for Christmas gifts, or more so - finding out what you're getting?Crosshair's been adamant on me taking breaks ... while we're hanging out too!a little worried, Six.Six! Bestie!I am so glad to hear from you. Is this the same cafe you originally went to when you were crushing on Crosshair from afar? You seem to have a thing for cafes and I’m all for supporting small businesses! Do they make nice caf? I need suggestions of places to go (Echo and Tup and I want some brother time).The only way to find out what you’re getting is either to ethically hack into Crosshair’s bank account (not a chance) or to snoop around his stuff. I have a feeling he is the kinda guy to buy something last minute so I think you should focus on dropping hints on what you want, rather than trying to work out what you’re getting.But more importantly, what kind of breaks are we talking about? If they are the ‘we need a break from each other’ break then I’m going to slap some sense into him. I detest it when people lead their SO on.If it’s a ‘you are crazy busy and you need to look after yourself’ kind of break then I wholly approve. Self care is important!Are you burnt out? Are you drinking enough water? Are you going crazy on Christmas shopping?Now you have me worried Six… but please don’t fear. We can resolve this. Even if it means I need to face my fear of the Biting Child, raid the Marauder, and make Crosshair reconsider his life choices through the power of love, friendship, and my DC-15 (which I use as a bat).With love, support, and concern,Fives
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Dear Fives!do not be afraid! He just tells me to take breaks from work, and treat myself. Also, yes, it is the café where we first met. It's on the second level of coruscant, to your right.:-) The sugar caf cookies always bring me back to when I've first started liking him.but, I think I shall just continue to poke and prod at him. He's been talking to Hunter a lot more recently, and I can't help to continue to be curious. The hints i've been dropping have not been going unnoticed, and he knows what i'm doing.He usually just laughs and tells me i'm being too obvious. It seems like nothing might work.Still adamant, Six.
Dear Six,I am so relieved! For a second I really thought I'd have to beat him up (with my words).I think I need to visit this cafe. Perhaps I too will find the love of my life there (or fall in love with the sugar caf cookies. Either way, I'm finding love).It sounds like Crosshair is taking extra good care of you. I wholeheartedly agree with his advice. Please do not overwork yourself. Self-care is very important! We all know Mr Crossmas Tree is very perceptive, so if he's telling you to take a break, then you really do need to take a break.I think you need to try a different approach to find out what he is giving you. He is a sly little thing, so I don't think he's ever going to let it slip. You either need to blackmail him into revealing it or just trust that he really is listening to your hints and will get you something great. If you find out what he's getting you now, it will spoil the magical moment when you open the gift!Personally, a bit of playful teasing is fun (which Cross is definitely noticing and that laugh he is giving you sounds v flirty which I approve of) but obsessing over what he's getting you might start to annoy him. It's a fine line, so tread it with care.Are you concerned that he is going to get you something you don't like? If you are, you should have a chat with Hunter. Please send my best regards to him (I need to keep on his good side for multiple reasons).I'm so happy that the two of you are in such a wonderful relationship. Like I mentioned in a previous response, I am still happy to do a speech at your inevitable wedding. Do you have a rough idea on when you think he'll pop the question? I know a fantastic jeweller if you want his business card to give to Crosshair to drop the hint.Much love,Fivesy
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My dearest Fives,of course you could! It has been a few months, so I doubt he'll pop the question. However, I've been speaking to Hunter and he seems pretty adamant on keeping it secret.something I did notice, was how comfortable he was with me. Slung an arm over me, and spoke to me like I was family. I guess I really have left off a good impression.^^maybe I should try Echo. Walked in on him and Crosshair having a conversation, and heard him slip something.it's getting more and more closer to Christmas, so I think i'll stop obsessing. For now.excited and nervous, Six
My dear friend Six,I am already working on a short ten page speech for your inevitable wedding. I am working on an accompanying poem as well. But you know that true love always wins! I would not be surprised if he asks you within the year. In the words of the 501st’s hero (her name is Lana and Hardcase is her biggest fan) “when you know, you know.”Hunter is very hard to get a secret out of, I will admit. I’m so happy for you that he treats you like family. He is such a kind and caring man (please help me I can hear my editor swooning. if she doesn't ask him out I'm going to scream). Other than the way he has raised O***a, he is someone I look up to in many aspects of life. I’m not surprised he has warmed to you - it’s always a good sign when the siblings of someone you are dating treat you like that!I totally think you should try Echo. Maybe I can convince him to loosen up his tongue too hehe.I know I said to not pry but I’m far too invested in this. I simply must know what Crosshair is getting you. I hope that he gives you his heart (please don't give it away the very next day).Also excited,Fives, your future brother in love *wink wink nudge nudge*
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Dear Fives,I never thought I'd be saying this - But me and Crosshair are no longer dating. We're, we're engaged!it turns out, he couldn't wait for Christmas to pop the question. Right after the day out to the beach, and watching the sunset, he decided it'd be perfect to ask. And, I said yes, of course. Not without crying ...I had accidentally worried him when I cried, he thought I'd say no! Buy I've convinced him otherwise.:-)it turns out he had done to Hunter to keep me in check - make sure I wasn't suspecting anything.I've truly never thought i'd get this far. In such little time, too.Maybe that wedding performance you've always talked about will be coming true. We don't know when the wedding is, but i'll be sure to give you updates!Excited and so happy, Six.(Admin note; i couldn't wait any longer! Especially with the near end of the Fives asks. Teehee!^^)
Dearest Six!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!!!I am over the moon for you and Crosshair! From the depths of my heart, I wish you all the joy and happiness in the galaxy. This is the greatest gift of all - true love!Crosshair has always been a romantic at heart. I can picture it now - the soft sand, the sun setting casting glorious orange shadows across his face, his trembling voice, your tears of joy! Crosshair loves you so much, I know it!It is such a good sign and the biggest green flag that he had his brothers helping him out with the proposal. I am a true believer that when you know, you know. When you get that feeling, it’s so beautiful to act on it… and now you are about to start one of the most glorious chapters of your life! Your love story will be that of legends!If you ever think of having a Life Day wedding (perhaps this time next year), I’ve already thought of part of my speech. It’s very much in theme. I was thinking of singing:
O Crossmas Tree, O Crossmas Tree!
How lovely are your toothpicks made out of branches!
I’ll keep the rest of it a surprise but I thought you’d like to see a snippet of what I can provide you.There are many speeches prepared, so I’ve got a performance for any theme you want. If you need any help with finding people to decorate, where to order candles and food and wedding things, or even assistance in getting bookings to try on wedding clothes, just let me know. I’ve got plenty of contacts. Whether you need lots of help or not much at all, I’m here for you.Also, if you want me to print out the original questions you sent to my advice column, let me know. You could make a really cute mural that shows the timeline of your love story at the wedding! I cannot believe we are having the first Ask Fives wedding!I’m looking forward to your updates. Here’s to the future!With a heart bursting full of happiness,Fivesp.s. I don’t know if you and Cross have discussed this but I think Batcher would be an adorable ring bearer.
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Dear Fives,Hi there! First off, you’re awesome! But you already knew that 😉My question is, Hardcase is alive and well in the AU I exist in, and I’m in love with him! How do I tell him? Should I tell him? He’s all I can think about! What do I do?? 😫😫😫Sincerely,Girl with a bad case of Hardcase-love 💕P.S. Please say hi to Echo for me!Dear Girl with a bad case of Hardcase-love,First off, YOU’RE awesome!Look, I know my value but it’s nice to hear it from others too from time to time. I think we’re gonna get along really well!It sounds like you’re down BAD. Which I totally understand because Hardcase is perfect in every single way.Now, I think I’m missing a bit of context here. How well do you know him? Have you spoken to him before? Do you think he reciprocates your feelings?I personally think that if you like someone, you should shoot your shot (except for creeps. I have a side hustle where I track them down and make them reform their ways. It’s been very successful so far. Tup is about to join the operation. He has killer aim). Go up to Hardcase, say hi, ask about his day, then ask him out for caf and axe throwing. I heard he really wants to try it out!If he says yes, then that’s brilliant! If he doesn’t, please do not take it personally. It just means that he isn’t The One for you.Everyone overcomplicates love these days. Take me back to the time when you’d just tell someone you like them, make your intentions clear, then ride off into the sunset (after several dates and a commitment to each other).Love,Fivesp.s. Echo says hello back and hopes you are having a splendid day
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Dear Fives, great news!!I followed your advice and asked Hardcase out on a date and he said YES!! He was practically vibrating with excitement, cuz as it turns out, he’s been in love with me for a LONG TIME TOO!He was just too afraid to let me know, cuz I had been dumped from a long term relationship not too long ago, and he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries (what a gentleman! 😍💚💕) But we’ve been best friends, and now we’re together and in love and I couldn’t be happier! You’re right, Hardcase IS perfect in every single way!Thank you SO much again for helping me get the courage to shoot my shot!Have a wonderful holidays!Sincerely,Girl with a Bad Case of Hardcase-love 💚💕
Dear Girl with a Bad Case of Hardcase-love,
I knew my advice would work!
I say that with the utmost humility, of course.
It is a privilege and an honour to help my besties all around the galaxy find their voice and find true love. A wise man named 99 once told me that you can’t just wait for life to get exciting - you have to make life exciting. Speaking up can be scary but it can also get you a wonderful gentleman of a boyfriend who has the galaxy’s biggest heart.I hope you and Hardcase live until you are old and grey, surrounded by children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren.Ok, maybe I’m getting carried away, but the point is I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! If you need any more Hardcase-related advice (or poems to express the depths of your affection), you know exactly where to find me.Happy holidays,Fives, your future brother in lovexo
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Dear Fives,This is less of an ask, but rather an update and a thanks.I previously had asked for relationship advice with an individual who had taken to essentially stalking me.I can say that the full situation is resolved (they, somehow, decided to vanish from my life. Where to, I am not privy to, but I wish them no harm… I may have sold the droid they “gifted” me with though), thankfully, and that, on better terms, I have acquired my first Significant other (who is a different individual altogether).They are an engineer (computer technician specifically), very lovely and, though quite untalkative, a lovely constant companion. They have aided me in my endeavors, and not only encourage my collecting tendencies, but have aided in the expansion of my rock collection.I thank you once again for your advice and wish you the best in all your endeavors.Best,TauDear Tau,I cannot begin to express how relieved I am that everything has been resolved. Thank you so much for the update!
I will not confirm or deny whether I got my brothers to scare the stalker off and lock them up in a cave on Hoth...
I'm thrilled that you sold the droid. Hopefully you spent the credits on getting a facial or something relaxing. You really do deserve it! If you didn't, please write back to me and I'll get Echo to transfer you some credits. There is a day spa near us that we love going to (the staff are so lovely) so we can get you a booking there if you'd like - completely on us!Better yet, I am ecstatic that you have found your SO! They sound perfect for you. I am a big believer in a person's SO encouraging their hobbies (I am here for your rock collection), supporting their dreams, and being a faithful and lovely companion. To know you have found these qualities in a wonderful computer technician is the best news one could hope for!Thank you again for the update. I am honoured that my advice was able to help you. It was a privilege and a joy to be of assistance. If you require any more assistance in future, I am here for you. I'm also thinking of branching out into wedding planning if you need it (it might be a bit early for that but I volunteer my services nonetheless).Best regards to you and your computer technician,Fives
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Dear FivesDust and Devil here from Ghost's legion! (We're his two best Arc troopers, don't listen to what the others say!!)And we were wondering if you'd like to bring back the dance troupe for the holiday season? We have a couple possible new additions too!We have Dancer, and as his name suggests he's a natural dancer, who's a fellow Arc trooper.And Lighterfluid(our head flame trooper that was with us last time, he would be writing this with us but he's currently getting yelled at for setting the Life-day tree on fire) has convinced 3 of the other flame troopers to join us!And we're sure we could convince a couple other troopers too if necessary!Also we don't have to worry about Ghosty, i think he finally burnt out because he's been passed out in his office for like 15 hours, either that or he's dead, which I doubt.Sincerely Dust&Devil-Dear Dust and Devil,I certainly shall not listen to what anyone else says. As an ARC Trooper myself, I honour your word. Thank you for your service boiiis!I have my tap shoes ready and Echo is already stretching his legs.I think it would be PERFECT to have a bunch of flame troopers. We could have them dancing in a row with the flame throwers while I spin Dust in the air. Devil and Echo can do pirouettes around us. We can then finish with a big tap number. I can sew some sparkly shirts together with some Life Day trees in the middle of each one (made out of sequins, of course)!Don't worry about Ghost, he and I are besties now. We resolved our differences and I got free food out of it too!Ooh, I was actually thinking our grand finale should be a re-enactment of setting the tree on fire. Then we can have some indoor fireworks and I could get my Tauntauns and Dusty to perform an intricate hip hop routine about the power of friendship. I think it will be an absolute hit.Sincerely,Fives, Six, Seven, Eight *jazz hands*
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My dearest Fives,I hope this was just a rumor but I overheard someone saying you are getting a- a- a buzzcut. And I so hope this is just a lie but if it isn't, don't do it! I beg you! You have the most beautiful hair that brings out your gorgeous facial features. Don't shave it. Please.Praying and begging on her knees,your bestie Ahsoka.MY BESTIE AHSOKA!!Oh my gosh do you have a crush on me?!I would NEVER cut my hair. Was that Omega the Biting Child spreading the rumour? I need to know. I won’t do anything but I’d like to tell on her to a trusted adult (Plo’buir, obviously)But if I ever did cut my hair, I’d make sure you would get a lock of it, which you can then kiss and delicately wrap in a handkerchief. I think it would look nice set in a ring or perhaps in a locket. Then you could have a piece of me with you always, dearest Commander ;) You know, just in case anything were to happen to me.
(And yes, I'm in my Jane Austen era. It's making me feel very sentimental about locks of hair. Echo and I are currently watching Sense and Sensibility. I see myself in Marianne and her love for poetry, whereas Echo identifies more with Elinor)
But fr low-key am I sensing a friends to lovers plot line here?Very sincerely,Dearest Fives (teehee)
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*Automated reply to
this holomail
*
You have reached the holomailbox of CC-1010. The Marshal Commander is currently unavailable. All holomails will automatically be redirected to other assets within the Coruscant Guard. If you have a complaint about the efficiency of their response, please fill in this form.---Personal message to c(l)o(ne)-workers:I am mentally away to sort out a disaster situation. Please do not try to contact me. Do not send me caf. Do not use the vents surrounding my office. Do not set loose any tookas in the HQ. Please, for my sanity, just give me a few rotations. I promise I’ll be back.
p.s. Remember to ALWAYS check the sender and (B)CC before sending a holomail. It will save you from a mental breakdown.
*SENT BY CARRIER SPACEPIGEON*
To Fox,I know you said not to contact you but technically I’m not your co-worker. Plus, I thought you’d appreciate the Tauntaun drawings during your dark night of the soul. Hopefully the bird didn’t eat them.If they did, it's a picture of you getting therapy and the Tauntauns snuggling up next to you giving you lots of love and support. Ahsoka Tauntauno also drew a picture of a rat for you.PLEASE COME BACK FOX PLEASE COME BACK FOX PLEASE COME BACK FOX PLEASE COME BACK FOXWhat if I pretend to be you and take over for a week? That way you can get some sleep, Riyo can convince you to get therapy, and I get to try out having grey streaks in my hair. I’ve always wanted to know if I could pull it off (the hair. But also doing your job).PLEASE COME BACK FOX PLEASE COME BACK FOX PLEASE COME BACK FOX PLEASE COME BACK FOX I MISS YOU WE MISS YOU WE CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOUIf you don’t respond, Rex is going to dispatch the 501st to find you. If you respond with statements that contain self-loathing, Cody and Wolffe are going to get involved.FOXY PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE YOU DO NOT NEED TO LIVE IN SHAME YOUR LOVE FOR RIYO IS BEAUTIFUL AND POWERFULWhen you come back, do you want to get rid of Palpatine with me? I think it might do you good to see him gone... permanently.With all my love and all my concern,Your brother Fives
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Dear FivesWhat do you want for Life Day?
Holds note book at the ready
-LycanwingDear Lycanwing.I don’t want a lot for Life Day - there is just one thing I need. I don’t care about the presents underneath the Life Day tree.I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know.Make my wish come true!All I want for Life Day is you.Love,A Defrosted Fives
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Dearest ARC Trooper Fives,I'm pleased to find out you've opened your askbox again, because do I have news for you. I've taken your advice to heart and approached Kix back at the 79s and we've chatted up all night. Now, we are officially dating and I couldn't be happier. 😍 You, my good sir, are a matchmaker made in heaven. I salute you, trooper. 🫡I am fully enrolled in medical school on Coruscant right now and have embarked on a journey of medic-in-training ! 😁 Kix is beaming with pride and love. 😍 Also, in school I've come across some like-minded nat-borns who are very inclined in helping your cause and are in full support for the Clone Rights Bill.Let's just say that we are in contact with the senator Chuchi herself and she liked some of the ideas we proposed. Those are mainly based on a Basic Rights that every citizen gets from our home planets combined. We've established an organization called CLM (Clone Lives Matter), you can look it up on the holonet. 😉☺️Also, remember the bit about chocolate, blankets, cuddles and therapy for you guys I've mentioned previously ? Yeah, that was also a doing of our little organization. 🙂PS. Late night studying for my classes has been really kicking my shebs lately. 😵😵💫 Kix, being an attentive boyfriend that he is, had to drag me away from my books and datapad to get some rest. He guided me straight to your barracks.Kix told your brothers about CLM beforehand and I was met with the ENTIRE 501st smiling brightly, eyes shining with tears, bear hugging me, while most of them sobbing quietly in my embrace, thanking me for the help my team and I are providing. I was not expecting such sweet and heartfelt reaction. You guys are the best and deserve the best. 🥺PSS. I was included in the cuddle pile and I am considered an honorary vod from now on. 🥹 I definitely had a good nights rest afterwards. 😴Lots of Love,Luna, your ally and friend. 😉
Dear Luna,
I am always here for the tea!
(Fun fact Jesse taught me that phrase)
My sincerest congratulations are in order for you and the 501st’s long-suffering medic Kix! I mean I knew you both would be a good match. As you say, I am “a matchmaker made in heaven” - which I’m totally putting on my resume btw. But to hear it from your own pen makes my inner Cupid thrilled! I feel ready to take out my bow again. Perhaps as the chrono strikes 00:00 on the first day of the New Year (I will take suggestions as to who to hit. My editor is subtly trying to hint that I should aim at Hunter but I refuse to do so. If she wants him, she better put in some effort. Plus, I think the makeover I gave her will be just as effective)…And a second congratulations for your medical school endeavours! I am aware of the hard work, skill, and hours it takes to master a skill (and I have mastered several), so I wish you the greatest luck on your medical journey. Please don’t be like Fox and drink caf 24/7 to power through your studies... although you probably will so in that case please try and get naps and time them so you don’t wake up in the middle of your sleep cycle. But you probably already knew that.I would love to talk with you more about your Clone Rights ideas. Perhaps we could do some work together as I’m currently de-chipping my brothers. Don’t tell Palps. I know everything about him and I’m waiting for the chance to show my Powerpoint presentation in the Senate, then shoot him with Commander Foxy while reciting a poem about good triumphing over evil. It will be the most epic monologue in the history of the galaxy. Thire is going to holorecord it for me.We need people like you supporting us clones. For that, I am eternally grateful... and the chocolates and blankets and cuddles and therapy. Especially the cuddles. I’m thinking of implementing a currency based solely on hugs but no creeps are allowed to use it. Or maybe I should go into crypto credits...With Senator Chuchi on your side, I’m sure you’ll make a positive change. She is a light in the darkness, a voice for the voiceless, a gem among stones.Lots of love,Fivesp.s. you are welcome any time to join our clone piles. If I ever struggle to fall asleep, I snuggle up with Echo and Tup and I’m out like a light. I’ve also introduced the concept to my Tauntauns, who adore the idea. But it’s not really a clone pile with them in it, so I’ll need to come up with a new name. It's more like family snuggle time.p.p.s. Tauntaunakin has requested to be the mascot of your CLM organisation. I know you probably need a clone face and he is not one BUT I think that people will see us as sentient (what a crazy notion) once they realise we are capable of love, affection, and raising beautiful Tauntaun families (again, what an absurd notion to think that us clones have a soul). In case you didn't notice I'm branching out into the literary tool of sarcasmI’m going to stop writing now because I feel righteous anger coursing through my veins. In times like these, I book a session with my amazing, fantastic, awesome, intelligent, superior therapist known as Dad Rex. But he usually isn’t available so I vent to Echo, who is an amazing listener and the wisest person I know.
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Dearest ARC Trooper Fives,We must definitely meet up somewhere safe and secure (without prying eyes and ears of the enemy) to discuss Clone Rights Ideas ASAP !!! I've prepared detailed presentation and holonet documents. I think a collaboration between you and CLM is in order. With our plans and your expertise knowledge about clone chips and the mess behind it, I believe we can make a lasting impact in the galaxy ! We need to join forces and speak up ! 📢📣Also, do you need any help with de-chipping your brothers? Some members of CLM are medics in the last year of medical training soon to graduate and they are offering to help out if need be. Please, let Tauntaunakin know he has been officially appointed as a mascot of CLM ! 🥳One day, IT WILL BE YOU, who will be the face of organization fighting for your cause ! I promise you that. It absolutely grinds my gears when people out there don't consider you as people, so I get your righteous anger, believe me I do. I am barely containing my rage. 😡Also, how are you so spot-on about my unhealthy relationship with caf ? 🤣 It got better, once Kix got involved. I am still battling occasional insomnia , but Kix is on the case, so do not worry. Medicine he prescribed me, cuddling with him, and frequent joining of the clone sleep piles are significantly helping to improve my kriffed-up sleep cycle. 😴 I can already feel my sluggish and fuzzy brain shutting down, so I better catch some Zzzs. Good night and sweet dreams, my friend.Signed,Very Tired Luna 🥱
Dear Luna,I know a really good caf shop where can meet up. The caf is so bad that people never go inside the store, so it’s the perfect place to meet! Bring all your ideas and I’ll bring my life experience and together you and I can rule the galaxy!Thank you so much for your kind offer! A bunch of my brothers have already been de-chipped thanks to my amazing not-really-a-secret clone rebellion plans. We still have so many more to de-chip. Hunter’s offered to set up a base on Pabu. Perhaps we could get some of your medic friends to assist there?Tauntaunakin is so happy to be the mascot. I’m going to take him to our local Tauntaun hair salon and make sure he’s looking fabulous for his close ups. He will be such a wonderful champion of the cause. I’m so happy that he gets to be the mascot. Rumour has it that he only wants to be the mascot because he wants to use the connections he’ll make to meet Senator Amidala. Please be assured that such talk is only partially true. He really does want to help!Normally, I think rage can be destructive, but I encourage you to LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU. It fills me with righteous anger hearing the stories of the mistreatment my brothers face daily. Speaking from personal experience, it is abhorrent. Brb I need to do some breathing exercises to calm down.Ya boy is back. About that caf, I just have a knack for knowing such things. I personally believe I’m force sensitive but for some reason Ahsoka doesn’t want me to get tested. I think she’s just jealous and feels threatened because if I’m force sensitive, would that make me a Commander?Please take care of yourself and get some rest! If you don’t sleep, I’m going to have to threaten you with a holiday so you get some!Love,Fives
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Dear Arc trooper Ct-5555, Fives.As I know my legion can regularly get stressed and has no usual means of entertainment due to the fact we are a stealth legion and are often away for long periods of time with limited access to the holo-net, I would like your help with something.My legion will be landing on Coruscant in a few rotations, and if you are stationed there I would like in person help but if not send me a message, I believe my troopers deserve a way of relaxing.I was hoping you could help me arrange a party of sorts for this festive season. My Troopers more than deserve it and I feel you would be the one to ask for help in this situation.I won't be able to attend, neither will my medic or captain, there is far too many reports and incident forms to fill out. And my medic needs to sleep for once.I trust you can find a fair way for them to relax, hopefully that doesn't end up with too many injuries. I think Haze would actually have an aneurysm if he had to deal with any more injured troopers.Also, please don't involve fire or anything too flammable in these plans. I have a pyromaniac flame trooper that I don't want to have to deal with.And my general has offered to do all baking if you believe the party could used some baked goods (you better involve treats in this plan because I refuse to let her down. Also she makes the best cookies and brownies, but she's also amazing with many other things.)I hope we can get past personal issues with each other for the sake of my men.-Commander Ghost.
Oh yes wait a minute Mr Post Ghost Man,As the experts say, stealth legions are the ones that require the most laughter. It’s a scientifically proven fact.Fortunately for you, I am basically a walking/talking/breathing version of the holonet. I will be at the ready to provide the entertainment your boys have been sorely lacking. I’m an expert party planner (even Rex agrees) so you don’t need to worry about a thing.I cannot promise any injuries but I can promise that I will have Kix on standby in case anything does (will, it will) happen.I’ve already got a beautiful dance routine prepared. I am unable to say what it will encompass because it is a surprise. Again, you have nothing to worry about. I carry a fire extinguisher on me at all times. Echo also carries a fire blanket and other fire-related things (he has a whole bag just filled with random stuff for emergencies).The highlight of the night will be my Tauntauns performing Shakespeare to an epic rap composition as arranged by Jesse. He’s been working on it for months. I think you will enjoy it very much. Afterwards there will be endless cake, a bouncy castle, and a piñata of Palpatine to whack. To finish it off, I’m planning on getting a massive holoprojector, heaps of blankets and pillows, and we will have an outdoor cinema. I’m thinking of playing The Notebook. The cookies and brownies are essential for that part of the night. And tissues… lots of tissues. Echo tends to get emotional when watching that holo.Personal issues? What personal issues ;)With my most professional and merriest regards,ARC Trooper Fives
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Fives, I have a problem.I'm an ARC trooper in the 212th and normally I'm not complaining, I have a good relationship with all of my brothers here, including the commander (even through he acts as if he had a stick up his shebs sometimes), and the general is nice. What's wrong then, you're asking?Well, it's almost Christmas, right, and we wanted to start decorating the cruiser and baking cookies. That's when the general revealed that he didn't, for a reason unknown to us, like Christmas! Which in itself would be fine, it's his decision, but the commander now prohibited us from doing any Christmas preparation so we don't "make the general uncomfortable" and everyone is super depressed because we were really looking forward to it. We even had a whole list of Christmas pranks prepared! (Don't snitch please, the commander would be angry with us.)So... I wanted to ask if you had any idea how we could convince the commander to let us enjoy the celebrations?Thank you so much for your future answer!Have a nice holiday season,ARC trooper Glitch of the 212th. P.S.: I'm the biggest fan of your advice columns!To Glitch,I have a solution!The 'correct' answer would be to have a frank conversation and ask for a compromise. A middle ground can be reached so your General doesn’t feel forced to celebrate and that you all can enjoy the decorations and food and most importantly, the pranks. That being said, if your General has a problem with it, he can tell you himself or officially get Cody to speak to you about it. I suggest you speak to General Hohohobi-Wan Kenobi directly.The Commander shouldn’t be assuming things, even if he has good intentions (his inner ENFJ is all about keeping social harmony - I have a degree in MBTI so take my word for it). Your General may not like Christmas but he may be perfectly fine with you having decorations up, etc.Most of life’s problems would be solved if people just talked to each other. No-one likes reading about miscommunication in books, so why do we apply this trope IRL? *Insert a very long sigh here and a wistful sip of caf and a pretend puff of a cigar.*That all being said, I don’t want to give you the ‘correct’ answer.I say you lock Cody in a supply closet and refuse to let him out until he changes his mind. Get started on those pranks early.Wishing you luck,Fivesp.s. I am so honoured!
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Fives, this is Glitch again.Thank you so much for your advice, I followed it to do it the Fives way. Everything is working so far, we set up a tree, baked cookies and pranked more officers than I can't count.That said, do you have any advice for what to do when the commander gets out of the supply closet?Have a pleasant holiday season,ARC trooper Glitch of the 212th.
My bro Glitch,This is the way. The Fives way.The only advice I can give you is to run.Much love and trepidation,Fives
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Dear Fives,I have a MASSIVE thing for you! Would you go on a date with me? 😘🩷💕Love,Your Secret Admirer
To my Secret Admirer,Ahsoka, I told you, if you are really that obsessed with me then we need to talk about it in person ;) I promise I'm not cutting my hair! You don't need to spend all your time with me to make sure I won't!If I'm totally wrong and this isn't my bestie, then this is awkward...I am very much up for a date but I need to work out your identity before I accept. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not really big on blind dates. I like to do background checks (as an ARC Trooper, you can never be too careful).Now, where is my trench coat and my magnifying glass? I have to solve this mystery! Who are you?With a furrowed brow and detective music playing,The name's Fives, ARC Trooper Fives
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Dear Fives,You’re so funny and that’s part of the reason I’m so smitten with you! And no, this isn’t Ashoka, you silly bean! I’ll give you a hint though! I’m the girl who would sing at the 79s, and I wrote some songs directed at you, but I don’t think you quite caught on that they were for you 😉😘💙💕Does that help? Maybe we have that date after all?Love,Your (slightly less) Secret Admirer
To my (slightly less) Secret Admirer,You think I’m funny? Please excuse me while I go into a corner and cry and squeal.Ok, I’m back.Hmm… I have seen Ahsoka singing at 79s before but it was awful, so I know you really aren’t her. But I still don’t know who you are, even with your lovely clarification. There are quite a few wonderful singers there. I truly am touched that you wrote some songs for me. You sound like a true poet!Has the all knowing Fives been stumped for the first time in his life? I’m not afraid to admit that I have been. I’m really going to need to know a bit more about you before I say yes (and maybe send me some demos of those songs so I can practice the harmonies for our potential first date).Waiting with anticipation,Fives
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My dearest Fives,There seems to be a huge misunderstanding. I was just casually scrolling trough your Advice Column when I came across this love confession. You seem to be under the impression that I wrote it but I didn't! I will neiter admit nor deny that I have a crush on you but even if I did admit it, I would never be so plain about it and I would have the courage to SIGN it. Anonymous love confessions are for cowards.Totally not daydreaming about you,your bestie Ahsoka.P.S.: I'm so glad you aren't getting the buzzcut!
My dearest Ahsoka,Well, well, well.You say that you cannot confirm or deny your crush on me and yet you mock those who write anonymous confessions! Dearest Ahsoka, one might say that your indecisiveness is just as bad. Where is that spunk of yours?In the words of my hero Tori Vega, I think the song of your soul is “my best friend’s brother is the one for me.” The best friend in question is Rex, the brother is…Well, only your heart can answer that.How would you feel about becoming a buir to four Tauntaun children?With a heart bursting with love poems to write (who for? I cannot say),Fives O’Flirtp.s. Tup wants to know if you’re down for laser tag and the arcade next week.
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Oh my sweet Fivsey! 🤭🤭🤭🤭I was the gal with the short brown hair and the long blue sparkly dress. I had a blue rose tucked behind my ear the first night you heard me perform 😘😉💙💕I’m sure you’ll remember me if you think about it hehe.Looking forward to that first date and giving you a private serenade 🥰💙💕 See you at the 79s!Love,Your (Very Slightly Less) Secret Admirer
To my (Very Slightly Less) Secret Admirer,OHHH I KNOW YOU! I knew my detective skills would help me uncover your secret identity!Before we meet at 79s (say tomorrow evening?) I request that you stop by the 501st barracks to meet Jesse and my Tauntauns. If they all like you, our date is on. Knowing that you like music and the colour blue, I think you’ll pass the vibe check.See you soon!Fives
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(this is a scheduled reply to CT-27-5555)Dear Coruscant's most splendiferous ARC Trooper,You sure know how to spoil me! Your captain is literally my role model. Such a man of honor. He deserves the world – all the love of the whole kriffing galaxy! Would you please kindly deliver my message of adoration to the man himself?I used to read poems in my uni era at my not so shitty alma mater University of Coruscant. In fact I love reading Wi'lyam Shimmyjaveline (I don't know why his surname is so weird but his poems are legendary). You should try to look up some of his brilliant insults! Maybe you can use it one day at one of the higher ups at the Senate and confuse them with the proto speech. It'll look hilarious! Here's one of my favorites that frankly reminds me of you and your notorious prank endeavors:
"Thy sin's not accidental, but a trade."
Okay wait I don't mean it as an insult to you BUT I WAS MEANING TO TELL YOU THAT your pranks are no sins at all. All glory to Fives' pranks and his menacing crew!!Your mysterious GAR intern spy,Zest
>Sent on automation
>>> ENCRYPTED LOG
title_socks
code_corrie red
content_
1527 GST: standing by socks office
1530 GST: pantoran senator discreetly makes her entrance into socks office
1533 GST: is that a kriffing loud wail im hearing - something about 'i accidentally sent it to fives'
1536 GST: they verbally confess their love to each other kshdksks be still my heart whens weddinf
1539 GST: socks is talking about your tauntauns and how he wants eighteen of them when him and the senator gonna settle down some place in a planet called pabu
1542 GST: he explicitly said hes jealous of your tauntauns
1544 GST: senator leaving
1545 GST: almost got caught. corries on my tail. gonna go dark. wont hear from me awhile. if i cant make it then sorry to disappoint you lieutenant fives sir i guess careers over
1546 GST: *sobs*
>>>END OF ENCRYPTED LOG
Dear Zest,Thank you for your service 🫡Please do not cry, dear one, for the intel you have gathered will be of the greatest importance to my little operation. I’ve made you a medal and everything. If you visit me tomorrow, I can give it to you. We’re going to have a small ceremony - me, Echo, Tup, my Tauntauns, Thorn, Jesse, and a few others. Just don’t tell Rex. He doesn’t need another reason to sigh.But speaking of Rex, he truly is the greatest role model ever! He is honourable, brave, kind, dedicated - every good thing! My life goal is to be even half the man he is.You caught me at a great time because Rex is actually over at my house - The Dominocile - and I promise he is not here under duress. Bob has his head snuggled in Rex’s lap. Rex is stroking Bob’s head and it is so adorable. They both look like they are going to fall asleep.I just told Rex what you said and I can confirm he stuttered, blushed, and awkwardly said thank you. I think your words really moved him! At least they moved Echo and Tup because they have leaped onto the couch and are now resting their heads against Rex’s shoulders. Familial love is so beautiful.This University of Coruscant you mention… do you think they would let me take a few poetry classes? I’m already quite amazing at poetry but it doesn’t hurt to get a refresher every now and again. The fact that you have a deep respect for poetry makes me so happy - no wonder why we work so well together! This Wi’lyam fellow writes rather interesting insults. I think my favourite one so far is:
“What, you egg?”
I had the Tauntauns perform some of his interesting plays a while back and they really took to Macbeth!The one you have enclosed in your magnificent question is truly beautiful. I do not take it as an insult. I will, however, keep it for later. It might be useful to say it to either evil gross disgusting Palps or Jar Jar Binks.Now to the most important part of your spendiferous letter, the log.It is truly outstanding. How did you manage to capture this brilliance? I too NEED to know when the wedding is for Commander Socks and the Pantoran Senator.AND HE WANTS TAUNTAUNS? OH BE STILL MY HEART! I know the people at Hoth Dawg Ranch really well so perhaps I could arrange for him to get 18 Tauntauns as a wedding present...I really want to invite Socks and the Senator over to babysit the Tauntauns one day. I think it will help speed up the inevitable proposal… The Senator might be the one to hastily pop the question after she sees Socks in Dad Mode!Zest, thank you AGAIN for your brilliant service. Do not fear. I can get you a new identity if needs be for spying purposes. I WILL NOT LET YOU SUFFER ANY CONSEQUENCES BECAUSE YOU SPIED FOR ME.DO YOU HEAR ME?I WILL PROTECT YOU!
All glory to Fives’ pranks and his menacing crew!
From,The Captain of said crew
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Dear Fives,Its me, Cynthia, again. I've recently visited your Dominocile as per invitation and I must compliment you on your home decor and the whole vibe, because it is flawless, my friend. I had a great time seeing and hanging out with you, we have so much in common, mainly the poetry writing skills, I think we can be besties at this point. 😅I was looking forward to meeting your Tauntaun children. I brought lots and lots of snacks, blankets, and art supplies beforehand, you know as one does. I must say, your children warmed up to me pretty quickly, I was pleasantly surprised. Ashoka Tauntauno and Tauntaunakin had so much energy and were running around the house until they tired themselves out from all the games we played. They even brought their new blankets into their beds with them. 🥺🥹Obi-Taun Kenobz was polite and sweet upon meeting, we held deep and interesting conversations about a lot of important stuff and he had some very great insights. Bob was a little bit shy at first, but upon seeing me interacting with his siblings, he drew me a picture, with his new art supplies no less. And OH MY MAKER, Fives, it was a family picture of ALL OF US (Echo and the rest of your brothers included, of course) with the words Buir No. 2 above my head. 🥹 I am a mom, Fives, I think I gonna cry. 🥺😭😭I am pleased to inform you, that the relationship between my sister and Echo has grown into something deep and profound. They have been on so many dates ever since hitting it off, when we both visited you guys. Their love, affection and genuine care for each other is so immense I'm pretty sure I can hear wedding bells ringing ! 🔔I can totally see them having kids too! I think it would be so cool if they had twins or triplets (both parents being twins themselves, I think chances of that happening are pretty high). Imagine all of the shenanigans and pranks the kids would get into, with all of their uncles from the 501st. 😁🤣Thats all from me now.Love,Cynthia
Dear Cynthia,It was a pleasure to have you visit my humble abode! The design process took a very long time, so I am pleased that the epic homey vibes were vibing. But most importantly, to have another poet to discuss the intricacies of poetry and Basic definitely proved we are besties!The Tauntauns are such a pleasure. They really appreciated all your beautiful gifts and you playing with them. Bob has already started working on another drawing for you. He says I’m not allowed to tell you what it is because it’s a Christmas surprise. I’m very appreciative that Tauntaunakin and Ahsoka Tauntauno were able to get all their energy out - they slept so peacefully and I’m surprised they didn’t put up a fight when I said it was time for bed!Obi-Taun forgot to tell you but he recommends you read some of Plato’s work before you see him again. It is wonderful seeing him have philosophical discussions and I’m sure you’ll both be up for a bit of healthy debate!I’d love for Echo to have twins of his own one day. We would play together all day, read bedtime stories, snuggle under the holoprojector stars, sing lullabies, and have beautiful dreams. I think they would be so angelic and also the perfect menaces in training! Rex probably won’t be able to complain about our pranks once he sees the future kids’ faces.Thanks again for visiting Cynthia and for spending time with us. No wonder why Bob thinks you’re the No. 2 buir!Much love,Fivesy
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Hello Fives, my fellow bestie 😁When will it be possible to visit you again? I have written new poetry pieces concerning fine art of searching for a soulmate (and various other topics) I think you would like. Also, I MISS MY TAUNTANT CHILDREN AND YOU VERY MUCH IT HURTS. I know we have seen each other pretty recently, but my heart aches for not being close to you at the moment. 🥺I have new gifts and games planned. I've read and pondered about Plato's Republic (I have several flimsi sheets of interesting bullet points I would like to discuss with Obi-Taun Kenobz). And I can't wait to see Bob's new art project. 🥹 I feel like spending time with the kids will help me prepare myself for when our nieces or nephews arrive one day. ☺️ And it might be sooner than we think, considering how well things are going between my sister and Echo. 🥰All the best,Cynthia
Dear Cynthia,My door is always open! I am actually about to go away on a holiday with the kids, so perhaps any time before next week would be ideal. We’ve decided to visit Alderaan (it was Tup’s idea).Please bring along your poems, your thinking cap, and all your gifts and games. Obi-Taun Kenobz is most excited to have someone to discuss Plato’s Republic with. I have read it but I have not had the time to present my ten hour presentation on my philosophical additions to his text. One day I shall, but for now, dearest Obi-Taun will be thrilled to talk to you about it. I’ve seen his pictures already outlining his extensive thoughts and I must say they are brilliant.We must prevent your heart from aching if we can. Visit us soon - the kids want to see you and so do I! Love,Fives
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Dear Fives,Comet of the 104th here. Former Corporal, and now new Sergeant. I was recently promoted and I have a sinking feeling (pun intended) my Captain thought that was a good idea in case that our beloved Commander really follows through with his threats to demote Sinker…or suffocate him…Not sure we’ve been properly introduced. I remember you of course, but I’m not sure you remember me. Around Sinker and Boost I am quite often reduced to being in the background, which, if we’re honest is quite alright with me most of the time!Funny story that…the last time we were picked up after 79s (I didn’t do anything. No one told me that the chairs they had there were so light that if I hit it like that it would fly THAT far. Complete and total accident) Commander Fox actually asked me what I was doing in the cell. He hadn’t noticed I was there for several hours. I told him it was an honest mistake and he let me go. Sinker and Boost had to wait for the General.Sinker and Boost are on punishment duty and left me with a to-do list that reads more like a list of demands from a hostage negotiation. But they are my brothers and I will do my best.They would like to thank you for the recommendation of Despacito. It’s been a life saver while they have been scrubbing the showers with a detail brush, you know the kind for little model ships and the like? You see…we were recently on a mission where we were waist deep in mud. You can imagine how the showers looked (and smelled) after weeks of that. The commander says he can still smell the stink, so of course the best solution is for them to scrub in between every single tile. Of all the showers. On the whole ship.The rest of the battalion is getting really sick of Despacito at this point, but…no one has threatened to mutiny yet.The boys have been practicing ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ in between their off key renditions of Despacito (I still only hear them saying taquito, burrito, etc when they try and sing the chorus but I’m not language expert, so maybe those really ARE the lyrics). I’m sure with your vocal coaching it will be fine. Our medic has threatened to sedate them, but between you and me, old Lockjaw’s a bit of a grinch so…Payment in hugs seems like a perfectly reasonable request. They’ve already snuck a message out to Wooley so it seems they’ve taken your advice to heart. I’m told to coordinate with you about the glitter and drop off the old R4 unit. Don’t worry, I’ve got the coolest bright green pair of shades you’ve ever seen. The Commander says I look like a frog in them, but his fashion sense is limited to his armor.Payment for the Tay’lor Spiff tickets –Boost wants to know if payment in moonshine will suffice?(DON’T DO IT). He can get you some of the top shelf kind (SERIOUSLY JUST SAY NO!)Boost is like THE BIGGEST Tay’lor Spiff fan. Honestly he has more posters than a teenage girl and knows every lyric. Sinker and I are just along for the ride and supportive. As for the Commander’s girlfriend, I’ve actually seen her. The commander was on a holocall with her. Of course information like that isn’t free. As far as if she has a sister or not, I could find out I suppose. I’ll need hazard pay. Regardless if I just straight up ask the commander for the information or totally not hack his datapad, my life is on the line. I think we can come to an arrangement…Your new best friend in the 104th,Comet
My lad Comet,You and I are going to get along swimmingly. I’ve got some shore leave banked up (don’t ask how I managed to do that) and some old 501st armour sitting in my basement. Perhaps I could manage to get you into that armour as you take a flight towards Pabu right around the time the 501st boys are given some leave. Someone will magically take care of the tasks on your end as you swim as the sun rises in the beautiful ocean. I’ve also heard that my good friend Wrecker is offering guided tours - Mantell Mix included.Now Comet, you are never background… not to me! I vividly remember the chair fiasco. Truly brought a tear to my eye. It was almost like a dance. Bravo!Also congratulations on the promotion! Unusual circumstances but congrats nonetheless!Poor lads, Sinker and Boost. I do have to side partially with Wolffe - the showers are probably an absolute nightmare. But to scrub every tile individually? Yikes…I’m pleased to hear they are practicing their singing. Nevermind Lockjaw, I can deal with him (don’t ask how). Please inform Sinker and Boost that I’ll be giving them some autotuned microphones so the singing is at least in key. I wouldn’t want them being assigned to further duties merely because of mutiny…Get the R4 unit to me ASAP. I’d also love a pair of those sunglasses. I’m told that bright green is the colour of the moment. Perhaps you could get me a pair too? The green will really pop with the bright pink glitter. Please still tell Wooley to come. He needs to be trained.Also since when did Wolffe think he had the right to comment on fashion? Sure, he looks insanely hot in the 104th grey, but I don’t think he understands that stripes do NOT go with plaid.In terms of the Tay’lor Spiff tickets, moonshine may possibly suffice. I’m also willing to take kyber crystals. Boost really does give off fangirl energy. He probably finds all the easter eggs in Spiff’s holovids in his spare time. But I guess as troopers we have good attention to detail, so it’s best he puts that skill into practice…
I look forward to hearing about the Commander’s girlfriend and her sister. As discussed earlier, I’m sure my terms will more than suffice. I think my generous offer would naturally include in return a pic of her and details on how they met, how long they’ve been dating, etc. You know, all the juicy deets.
Your best friend from the 501st,Fives
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Dear Fives,We have a lot of twin Padawan learners back at the Jedi Temple. Some are best friends and partners in crime. They are some who are not as close, but still care about each other a great deal, while others are downright rivals who constantly fight with each other. I am an only child myself and I have observed some interesting sibling dynamics, regarding twins. So I wonder what is like to be twin for you and Echo, if you don't mind me asking?Signed,Curious Padawan Maggie
Dear Curious Padawan Maggie,Being a twin is everything to me. I cannot believe that some people don’t like it but I guess it’s because they don’t have Echo as their partner in crime and best friend for life.All I’ve ever known is being Echo’s twin and I would not change it for anything. We balance each other out, champion each other, speak telepathically, and call each other out when needed. We are so similar and yet so different. I think that’s what makes us so special.Having a twin means I always have someone to share the ups and downs with - and vice versa. Echo makes every moment bright, whether that’s going shopping for food or fighting Seppies or pranking Rex or doing simple things like setting the table for dinner.People search their entire lives to find a soulmate, whether that be platonic, romantic, or familial. I’m the luckiest man in the galaxy because I didn’t have to search very far. All I had to do was look over to my right on the day I was decanted and there my soulmate was. My best friend. My brother. My twin.Sure, we fight every now and again. Sometimes we irritate the other. But at the end of the day, I can always count on Echo to have my back, and he knows I will always have his.
The best part of having a twin is if I don’t feel like trying on clothes or doing certain things, I just get Echo to pretend to be me. It works every single time because no one notices (he draws my tattoo on and we have a stick on goatee. It's very realistic).
I hope this satiates your curiosity and yet at the same time I encourage you to be curious in all things. That’s one of my favourite things about Echo.Lots of love,One half of the Domino Twins (Fives)
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Dear Fives,Thank you so much for very informative,heartfelt and beautiful response on what it means to be a twin. I've learned so much and as a learner I will definitely stay curious and inquisitive about life. To be honest with you, I am currently feeling very sad and crying my eyes out, because as I've mentioned before I am an only child and now I want a sibling(s) to be close with. 🥺😭 Can I hug both you and Echo sometime and also could we be honorary siblings from now on, if that's okay? Your response hit me in the feels. 🤧SignedCurious (and emotional) Padawan Maggie
Dearest vod’ika,Welcome to the family. You will always have a place with us.Echo and I are always available to give hugs and to hang out! Fun fact: clones give the best hugs in the galaxy. It's a fact that Echo and I have scientifically proven.I want to highly encourage you to try and make good friendships with the other Padawans at the Jedi Temple. You may find that there are people there that, in time, will become like siblings to you too. There are always kindred spirits in the galaxy - we need only look and put in the effort to forge connections with them. Your inquisitive mind will help you make lots of friends and family!Now, dry those eyes and swing on by The Dominocile. Echo made biscuits and we can’t eat them all on our own. We need at least two people to help us devour them. Perhaps your Master would like to join in too?From your ori'vod,Fives
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Dear ARC Trooper Fives,Is it true you have some kínd of a rivalry with the Biting Child a.k.a. Omega? I've always thought you guys got along swimmingly.Signed,AnonDear Anon,She started it.Omega said that Echo said that SHE is his favourite. We all know that obviously isn’t the truth. I am Echo’s favourite. I always have been and always will be.Echo said that he can have more than one favourite but we all know that’s not true. Sure, Echo is a parental figure to Omega. They get along really well and he makes sure that she feels confident and champions her compassion for others.BUT I AM HIS TWIN!!! WE ARE BEST FRIENDS!!!After I told her about the deep bond Echo and I have and how she could never match it, she proceeded to BITE ME. It left a massive scar. It was also really painful. I guess the Kaminoans see it as a desirable mutation or something idk.Every time she sees me, she starts chomping her teeth together and hissing at me. I do what any responsible adult would do in the situation. I hiss back.I will NEVER forgive her.Everyone thinks she is some kind of angel. They have been blinded by her charming ways. Inside, she is a monster.You can see that I am completely justified. No part of this story has been left out and I am totally not underplaying my side in this story.From,Fives
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Dearest Fives,I am very sorry to hear what happened between you and Omega. Usually, I prefer to stay neutral and willing to hear everybody out when there is a disagreement. But, this is no such case. I get that she was upset and I know your brother has a big enough heart to love her as well, BUT having a deep bond with your twin comes first, you are literally best friends from birth and each other's halves, for makers sake! You knew and loved each other from THE VERY BEGINNING, she needs to understand that. Please know I am 1000 % on your side, biting others over disagreement is an unacceptable and unforgivable behaviour.PS. Please, make sure to treat the biting wound properly. Take care.Much loveAnon
Oh Anon,I feel so seen and heard!She thinks that because Echo is her kindred spirit that HE LOVES HER MORE! Echo said there are different types of love but I said he has to decide who is his most favourite. He pulled me aside and said he can’t do this in front of O***a because it will upset her.
But life isn't fair sometimes. I know she is a kid but she needs to hear the truth. She can be his second favourite
(and that's me being kind and generous. I think Rex should be his second favourite but I will not smother Echo. He can think for himself, even if he is incorrect).
There is no taking sides. There is clearly right and wrong. History will remember you favourably Anon for standing on the side of TRUTH AND JUSTICE! WE WILL FIVESEVER REMAIN UNDEFEATED. WE WILL NOT LET THAT CHILD TAINT THE BEAUTY OF THE DOMINO TWINS.As you said, SHE NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND. I put it down to Hunter having a moment of weakness in his parenting. He needs to learn to say no to the kid. I have four kids (plus Tup) and I know how to say no. It’s not that hard. It’s called GOOD PARENTING. He should try it some time.It is a blessing to have friends in the galaxy like you. If you ever need something, I will be there for you. I will drop everything to help you because YOU ARE A REAL ONE.Love,Fivesp.s. the trauma to my flesh has healed (albeit scarred) yet the trauma to my soul is fresh.
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Dear Fives.Your DC is mended again.It's the third one this month. I know my services are covered by the GAR but please stop breaking your DCs.Also Bruce Wane and Robin do sound more stupid than Batman. But don't tell Echo and Tup I agree with you.Regardless I'll be expecting your next broken blaster soon.Your friend, The Weaponeer.PS: say hello to your tauntaun family for me.
Dear The Weaponeer,Thanks you are the BESTEST in the whole wide galaxy!!I won’t tell them but the satisfaction I feel from this is immense. I always knew that the name Bat-man was a far superior name for my night time vigilante work (but it’s not evil it’s just visually dark but wholesome vibes only).I’m glad we’ve come to an understanding that it’s just inevitable that my blasters will always be broken. If anything, it’s giving you work which means that you get paid. Maybe I should ask my brothers to start using their DC’s as bats. Then you’d get paid HEAPS of credits because the GAR will constantly hire you!You’re welcome!From,Fivesp.s. my Tauntaun children send their fondest regards. Tauntaunakin in particular thinks your name is wizard!
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Dearest Fives,I've baked Christmas cookies for you and your brothers (all of them, from other battalions as well). Each cookie is a custom-made delight, shaped like a clone trooper helmet and properly decorated with corresponding colors and specific detail markings in accordance with the helmet. They are signed with the name of the specific trooper as well. Each cookie is also adorned with a little Santa hat. 😊I was wondering when I could swing by and deliver them in person. I may have gone a teensy bit overboard and baked more than I originally planned, so you may as well have a stable supply for quiet some time. 😅 They are a work of art, if I do say so myself, but I think you guys should have a final say. 😉Love,DiamondDearest Diamond,You made them for us? What did we do to deserve such kindness?I cannot believe that you made us cookies that are so intentionally and lovingly detailed. That must have taken you days! This is a kindness that cannot be measured.Absolutely you must deliver them. Don’t worry about having too many. I’ve got an entire room in my basement dedicated to storing food (I’m not a doomsday prepper. I just like making sure I have enough food for my Tauntauns. I think Tauntaunakin is heading towards a growth spurt. He gets angry when he isn’t fed).Echo, Tup, Jesse, Hardcase, and I have been working on some food competition judging cards and criteria. I think this will be the perfect opportunity to test them out.Looking forward to seeing you (and the cookies but especially you, my newest bestie)!With much love and a grumbling stomach,Fives
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Dear bestie-in-the-whole-wide-galaxy Fives,Baking those cookies for you was an absolute honour and privilege. It's true that I was baking them for days (two weeks, to be exact) but it was a time well spent and I enjoyed creating something that would put a smile on your face and making you happy. 😊Also this next part is super important because YOU DESERVE ALL THE KINDNESS BECAUSE YOU ARE THE BEST. DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE OR THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH POLITENESS, RESPECT OR KIDNESS OR I MIGHT GO AFTER THEM. Please, just know you are loved and cherished very much. 😊🥹🥰I managed to deliver the cookies without too much trouble and together we stashed them in the room in your basement. I was pleased to found out the cookies were a huge hit among you guys. They passed all your highly professional food criteria with flying colours ! 🤩My mission in brightening up your lives was a smashing success. 😁 We have already agreed upon, that cookie baking will become a tradition from now on. Also, I am seriously considering opening up a bakery now. Thoughts? 🤔Signed,Your bestie Diamond.
To my bestie-in-the-whole-wide-galaxy known as shine bright like a Diamond,I think the poem “we’re beautiful like diamonds in the sky” is referring to you. It was our honour and privilege to have you do that for us. You have such a beautiful soul! I believe that baking cookies is an art form and I absolutely love art! Your kind words have touched my heart so deeply. I’ve actually written them on my bathroom mirror and I’m going to read it every single day and say those words to myself.Also those cookies were DIVINE. I know I told you that in person but I need to reiterate how delicious they were because the Holonet deserves to know. I 100% think you should open up a bakery. If you need ANY help setting it up, you know where to find me. I’ve heard that Kix is actually a whiz at putting together furniture so I’m sure he can help out too. I think he almost cried when he ate one of the cookies.It’s such a wonderful time of year to make brand new traditions. I look forward to doing this again next year until the end of time! Go for your dreams, Diamond! I’ll be cheering you on always!Much love,Fives
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Dear Fivesies,If this hasn't been asked yet, what do you think of your Hot Toys action figure?? I personally think it's very pretty very inspirational very enlightening very hot it sends my heart aflutter, just like the real guy ;) (but the real guy is 999% prettier ofc)Sincerely,Julianne - a huge fan!
Dear Julianne, a huge fan
(that rhymes which is glorious),
They are called HOT toys for a reason ;)I fully agree with your analysis. I’m very humbled by your additional note… you greatly flatter me!But in all seriousness, I am very pleased that my likeness was able to be captured so accurately. It was a bit tedious getting all my pics taken to assist with the modelling process but it really paid off. Have you seen the one of Echo? Now that’s very pretty very inspirational very enlightening very hot it sends my heart aflutter (in a brotherly way obvi). Much love,Fivesies
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Fives,Would you love me if I was a worm?
To the one without a name,In the words of my hero Dolly Parton:“I will always love you”With all my love,Fives
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Dear FivesYou wouldn't believe what just happened.We've noticed Dusty was getting a bit cubby(which I'm sure you and the 501st have also noticed). So we tried to get a whole system going so no one would accidentally feed him extra.But today we walked into the barracks and on the little bed that we got for Dusty was Duty, and 5 kittens.DUSTY'S A GIRL.AND HE SHE HAD KITTENSwe don't have any names yet(we're planning on festive themed names) but we can't believe this. And don't worry, we'll be sending pictures soon. Also I think we're gonna have to hold onto dusty for a bit longer until the kittens are old enough to be moved from venator to venator.And we also have to figure out how in the galaxy Dusty ended up pregnant..-LighterfluidDear Lighterfluid,Dusty is a GIRL?! How? What? When? Why? I am confusion.I’m sending Tup down ASAP to give Dusty some treats, a soft pillow, and anything else she needs postpartum. We must treat the now joint Queen of our battalions with all the love, respect, and kindness that she deserves.I need pics sent as soon as you can. I need to put them up around my fireplace. I also request that we have an elaborate naming ceremony and that my Tauntauns can come as well (they want to make gifts for the babies and also a drawing for Dusty).What names are you thinking of so far? If any of them are a girl, I think Holly and Merry are very festive names. But I also like abstract names too. Think Mistletoe or Chimney or Coal or Rudolph Twinkly-lights.Can I please please please be a godparent to one of them?Also, I know exactly how Dusty got pregnant. You see, when a Mummy Loth Cat and a Daddy Loth Cat love each other very much…From,Fives
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Dear FivesUpdate on Dusty and the kittens!First of all, thank you for sending over Tup, he's been a great help. And we've also loved just having him around!When Tup comes back he'll have an entire photo album of the cute little kittens! And we'll continue sending pictures even after Tup returns to the 501st.And by some miracle we've convinced Ghost to agree to the naming ceremony (you owe us big time) and please please please bring your tauntauns!!We've picked out all the times for the little guys, we have two girls and three boys. We loved the names Holly and Merry for the girls! And for the boys we picked Frosty and Bells. However one of the boy kittens had a very special mark so we broke our festive theme and chose the name Fivetten(kinda like fives and kitten. we tried, alright?) because he has a little mark on his ears that look like Fives.Btw Ghost has allowed you to be the godparent to all the kittens, although he did seem slightly upset about it.And we know how Dusty got pregnant. But we have no clue who the possible father is. We only have one Loth cat and we always have someone watching her when we take her off of the venator. So either there's another Loth cat hiding in our ship or it happened when Dusty was with the 501st. And if it did happen while she was with you guys then Ghost wants to have a chat with Rex (Rex may be Ghost's favorite but I don't think that'll save him from Ghosty's wrath this time.)The naming ceremony will be taking place soon, we still have to decide a date but we'll send out the invitations when we have everything figured out!Also the kittens are already menaces, it's adorable seeing them already causing chaos, we're so proud. And I thought you would like to know that earlier today Dusty needed a break from her kittens and yelled at Ghost until he picked her up. She would bite him whenever he tried to set her down, I actually think he's still holding her. If he is I'll take a picture and send it to ya!-Lighterfluid
Dear Lighterfluid,Tup is an angel! I’m glad he brought along some cheer. He came back earlier and I’ve been staring at the kitten pics for hours. I don’t think I’ve blinked. Echo currently has his head in my lap and he’s holding up the pictures so he can see them and so they are in my periphery as I write this. He’s got hearts in his eyes.I’m SO excited the naming ceremony is going ahead! I’ll make the Tauntauns some gold robes with some silver edges for the occasion. Ahsoka Tauntauno will look beautiful in some white gloves too. I’m thinking of wearing a classic suit.We’ll have lots of drawings ready to present at the naming ceremony too. Bob has been working on an abstract piece of Dusty and her babies. He has white paint all over him and I’m going to cry. Obi-Taun Kenobz is trying to wipe it off with a small towel. Oh my heart.I LOVE the name choices. And you named one Fivetten? That is the greatest honour in the entire galaxy - that and being a godfather to all of them! I promise I will look out for them and give them everything they need (especially Fivetten). If Ghost wants to be a godparent, we can share the load. I don’t want him being grumpy again. I already experienced his wrath once. Please not again. Please.It is good to know you are aware of how babies are made. Echo was really concerned for a moment he’d have to give you the talk. I had to witness it once and it was the most uncomfortable moment of my life. I’m high-key offended that you are insinuating that it is due to a lack of care of the 501st’s part. We never let her out of our sight. Maybe we need to do a good search of your ship and you should let Rex help (definitely not so he can sneak a Loth Cat on the ship and pretend it’s been there the whole time).Send all my love to Dusty and give her a hug for me! Being a parent is hard work.Also tell Ghost that bite marks scar. He needs to take all precautions necessary to not get bitten (I might need to book in some therapy).Looking forward to the ceremony!From,Fives
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Dear Fives,Do happen to know that one guard that jumps levels occasionally, it was very worrying to watch them almost get hit by a speeder this time around, if you do know them please ask them to be more careful my heart can't handle it.Sincerely,Concerned SapientP.S. please tell your editor I hope they get better soon!To Concerned Sapient,I am not aware of who the culprit in question is. However, please do not be dismayed, as I have friends in high places (aka Thorn will let me see the security footage).Once I uncover their identity, my duty is to inform them to be careful, which I shall do thoroughly and swiftly. I would not want your heart to hurt for longer than necessary. In fact, I do not wish for your heart to feel any pain. Yet alas, it is the nature of life that we feel deeply for those we care about. It is a blessing and a burden. It is what makes us sentient.Although speaking of hearts, does someone have a crush on this member of the guard? Do you want me to set you up on a date?Sincerely,ARC Trooper Fives
p.s. My editor is touched by your kind wishes and is much better. Interestingly, she became instantly well when a friend sent her this. I think it might help with your heart too. I’m inviting Kix over for dinner to discuss the healing properties of such an image for I think we might be on the edge of a medical breakthrough!
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Dear Fives,I am very sure that I've never actually properly interacted with this guard member, I've only very seen them hop levels, which is very impressive with all things considered.I appreciate the offer of a date; however, I happen to be extremely aroace and can only offer friendship, hugs, random facts, and food to anyone that want or need them.Much Appreciated,Concerned SapientP.s. Tell your editor that I'm glad they are well.
Dear Concerned Sapient,It is very impressive. I heard from my good friend Thorn that it might be Commander Stone. It’s apparently stress relief or something like that. I don’t see how but if it works for him, who am I to question it? I will, however, caution him to take more care. There is a difference between thrill seeking and doing something reckless. I’ll take care of this so your mind is put at ease.Friendship is exactly what the Corries need! You sound like a wonderful friend because they love hugs, random facts, and food! In fact, on their ‘top things I want for Life Day’ list, those were the top three most common answers. You’ll fit in so well. Swing by my place - The Dominocile - tomorrow morning and I’ll take you to meet them. This is going to be so much fun!With the most excited regards,Fives
p.s. my editor had a big smile on her face when she read your postscript.
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Fox’s voice over recorded holotransmission:
*hoarse voice* Fives. It's been a few rotations. I received your message. I, er- I'm not sure why I'm responding with another voice message. I'm.. I, er- *clears throat* Obviously that holomail wasn't supposed to reach you. I'm not going to elaborate because you know exactly what holomail I'm talking about.*moment of awkward silence*Well, I'm, er- It wasn't supposed to reach you but I thought about it for a few caf-sober rotations. And I talked about it with a certain.. Senator. I'm not going to say names out loud, because that's confidential of course. Work-related senatorial stuff and such.. *fingers tapping on desk*Ah yes sorry, I got distracted there for a moment. Well I thought and talked about it and I wanted to th- to, er- to thank you, I guess.. For your discretion and.. Your support. You know, er- she's gonna be in so much trouble if this would leak, and I'd be decommissioned by then so I wouldn't be there to *voice breaks* protect her.*coughing, clears throat in an attempt to cover breaking voice*Sorry, I think I just ingested a, er- fly? Also my throat hurts like kark because of a lack of caf. I'm not made for a cafless life, you see. The first rotations were the worst, especially since Thorn keeps putting mugs of fresh caf in front of my locked- *coughs* in front of my door. I like a strong blend, so the vapours made it into my office and.. I had a hard time restraining myself. I-I guess I'm still having a, er- a hard time.*audible swallowing*I actually really appreciate Thorn for going through all that trouble just for me, and that is the exact reason I can't get out of my office right now. I just.. I just can't face anyone at the moment. I can't have my brothers and, er- anyone else I.. care about go through any trouble for me. It's.. It's too dangerous, Fives. I would never forgive myself if anything would happen to any of them because of me. And that includes you.*another moment of awkward silence**deep sigh, sound of creaking chair as Fox leans backwards**sudden sound of blaster fire inside the room*Kark. Gotta get myself a new target. Our holocopier is in the hallway and I haven't been outside my office for a while, so the printed Palpat- … The printed target on my wall is a bit done for. *soft, affectionate chuckle* Thire doesn't like it when I shoot inside the HQ, and normally I'd totally agree with him. I would even get mad if anyone else did it. But shooting this particular target is.. It's pretty satisfying, actually.*sound of blaster being placed on durasteel desk**whispers* I should get out of this office..*deep, defeated sigh*Alright Fives, I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, but I think I could use some of your advice right now. Since this holotransmission was absolutely normal and I totally didn't lock myself inside my office for the past few rotations and refused to take any caf and I'm absolutely sane *slightly nervous laughter*, I-I would like to drop just one question.*audible breathing in suspense towards question*What, er- … What colour flowers do, er- do ladies like? I-I mean, like to receive from someone who.. cares a lot about them? Like, a lot-lot?F-Fox over, I think. *whispers* Man, I'm losing it over here.*voice gets softer as Fox gets to his feet**continues whispering* Help me, 27-Fives, you're my only hope.*holotransmission ends*
To my hero Fox,Before I get all sentimental, I’m genuinely concerned about the lack of caf. Since when have you abstained from the beloved drink? Jesse is delivering a nice shipment of hot caf to you right now.Do not worry, he’ll just put it outside the door and knock. By the time you open it, he’ll be gone. Contrary to popular belief, we at the 501st know how to respect someone’s privacy.Now, my dear Foxy, it is my privilege and honour to keep that information secret. I’m just glad it ended up in my hands and not someone else’s… Please know I’d do anything for you and your lady love. Anything.I really admire you both and how you manage to keep a steady relationship while upholding the duties that have been thrusted upon your shoulders. You both do so much for the galaxy. You both deserve to have found an equal partner in each other. I am so happy that you have found someone that genuinely loves and supports you. One day when I meet the love of my life, I hope my relationship is even half as loving and tender as yours with your lady love.Let me reassure you that nothing is ever going to leak. Even if it did, I would do everything in my power to make sure that you stay safe. She will always be safe. Everyone loves her and not just for your sake, but because she is a true friend and a fierce advocate. We’ll always make sure she is taken care of - and we always have your back. If any long neck tries to decommission any of us ever again, I’m going in guns blazing. I’ve had enough of being treated like our lives don’t matter.Forgive me for getting all revolutionary on you (although I know deep down you agree with me).Fox, you must get out of your office. People will start to wonder what is wrong and then it will draw even more attention to the situation. You must rally. You must pick yourself up and go on. If you cannot do it for yourself, please do it for Riyo.Do it for your brothers.We willingly go through trouble for you because we want to (it’s not even trouble, it’s what anyone would do for someone they love). You are worth it Fox. Please let us show you the same love that you show us every single day. You may be a wonderful protector but you are not immune. You need protection too.Now, the mood is far too sad and I do not want you walking around your room in circles overanalysing every word I said and construing it to mean something else entirely! I am very, very pleased you have that printed target…I’ve just told Jesse to come back. He’s getting you 10 more targets, all identical. Don’t worry, they were spares from our barracks.And Foxy, oh Foxy. You are a true romantic soul. The fact that you’re asking me for relationship advice is…I’ve been waiting for this moment my entire life.Red roses are given to someone that you truly, deeply love. I think it has an extra special meaning since red is your colour. By giving her red roses, you are not just symbolically giving her your love but also a piece of you. If you need a florist, just let me know. There’s a lady on one of the lower levels of Coruscant who is a genius at putting together a bouquet. But I also think your lady love would deeply appreciate a bouquet of wild red roses. I’ll send you coordinates of a field I found on Coruscant (crazy, I know but it does exist) and you can pick them there.I think some sunshine will do you good too. Get out of that office, stretch your legs, and go pursue the heart of the one yours cries out for.With all my brotherly affection,Fives xo
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Dear Fives,What do you look for in a romantic partner?Yours,Curious CatDear Curious Cat,As a romantic, this calls for a poem.
Dedicated to Mrs Fives, wherever you may be. Know that my heart is yours.
TrustRespectUnderstandingEmpathy
LoyaltyOpennessVivaciousEnchanting
This doesn’t encompass everything I need in a romantic partner but I think it is a pretty good list. To me, true love is the foundation for any relationship. Without it, I am merely wasting my time and energy. Some may say my standards are too high. I say that my requirements are the bare minimum.To everyone reading this, don't settle for anything less.Yours,Fives
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Dearest Fives.I've heard that you and Ghost, my commander, are on better terms now.I apologize for his behavior. He can just be a bit... Short tempered at times.Please have some patience with him in the future, he's been doing better lately but he can have his days.Anyway, I heard you liked my baking! I'm very happy Echo wanted the recipe, I hope they turn out well! If you ever want recipes for anything else just send me a message!-General Ceaer
Dear General Ceaer,Ghost and I are almost best friends. I’m just waiting on that recipe so he can officially become my best friend. The cookies really were that divine!For some reason, Echo has refused to pass it onto me. He says that I have to bribe him if I want it. I cannot be angry at him because I’d do the exact same thing to him. We all have those days where our temper gets short (even I do. It’s rare but if you put me and Chancellor Heart Palpitations That I Wish Would Turn Into Sudden Death in the same room, I’ll explode). I understand how the pressure of war can take a toll on a soldier’s mental health. Please tell him to take care and let him know that I have a really good masseuse contact if he ever needs some stress relief.If I ever find my stomach grumbling and my cupboards empty, I shall shimmy on by with a knife and fork in hand, ready to taste your delectable delights.With the kindest regards,Fives
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Dear Fives,Long time reader, first time asker here! If I were to draw fanart of you, would you like to be tagged?Your new bestie,Leena 💚💕
Dear my new bestie Leena,You want to draw fanart of me? asdfjiaweflajef
Fives' editor here - he forgot to sign off because he is jumping up and down on the couch with Echo. I've never heard him squeal this loudly before. Echo is crying. The Tauntauns are spinning around in circles. Tup is napping but I think he'd be celebrating if he was awake. Fives' answer is definitely yes ;)
Pretend it is him writing this next bit because he always sends his love. He has a never ending supply.
Love,Fives
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Dear Fives,I have a problem. I have the biggest crush on commander Cody and I don't know how to tell him. Can you supply some good pick up lines? Please, it would save my life!
Dearest Anonymous,I am all about saving lives and supplying the best pick up lines. Let me assure you that these will work as they have been tested for quality purposes. To be extra thorough, they were tested by multiple quality assurance officers and on a diverse pool of potential customers.I totally understand why you’d have the biggest crush on Cody. He is pretty much perfect! He gives off the vibe that he’d either find a pick up line very funny or he would inwardly cringe. It’s a very fine line we are walking but I am an expert in such matters, so you need not fear!Without further ado, here is an extra special collection of pick up lines for the courageous Commander Cody:
I may not be a lightsaber but I think you should pick me up… for dinner… *click and do finger guns*
Consider my heart your base because you’ve got permanent quarters here
If you were my boyfriend, I’d always feel at ease
Please do not fret that this list is short. You don’t need a long list of pick up lines to catch his attention. Just one of these will win you his heart fivesever.With great hope,Fivesyp.s. I suggest you don't tell Rex that you got this advice from me. Please.
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CT-27-5555,Official Notice.Cease and desist all further prank attempts on the 212th Attack Battalion.This is effective immediately.Sincerely,Marshal Commander Cody, Third Systems Army, 7th Sky Corps, 212th Attack Battalion, Ghost CompanyPSFives, I am warning you. I will find you, and you know I can. There is no vent or planet or secret cubby hole you can hide in that I won’t find you. If you think you can hide behind Fox, you may need to reconsider that.And don’t play coy. I am still finding glitter in places no man should have glitter. Wooley folded like a lawn chair when I questioned him as to where he got it. Hat’s off to you, well played, but remember that turn around is fair play. Perhaps you should put in a call to Alpha-17 and ask exactly what you are up against.I have been up for 72 hours at least, though at some point I stopped counting. I have drank more caf than is conceivably safe for anyone to drink and I still have a lightsaber to go find. So please, for the sake of my sanity. No more glitter.PSS: No more glitter. Please.
Dear Commander Cody,I am writing to inform you that your cease and desist letter is invalid and henceforth is rejected.My legal representative (Mr Echo, ARC Trooper) has advised me that you need to show cause. Your letter merely indicates “further pranks” but does not provide particulars.Furthermore, your notice does not comply with the regulations. In fact, they do not reference any regulations at all. To be a valid cease and desist, the relevant sections of the regulations must be complied with. Merely writing the words “official notice” does not give your words any authority.As an act of good faith, I wish to inform you that I have recently purchased some bright orange glitter that I believe will suit your personal style. Let me make myself clear that this is not necessarily a threat. I wish to address the harsh tone of your postscript. Such threats will not be tolerated towards myself or Marshal Commander Fox. You forget that he has the ear of the Senate, Coruscant Guard, and the 501st respectively.I offer my sincerest condolences that you are finding glitter “in places no man should have glitter.” Wooley’s statements are merely heresay and I believe would not be admitted as evidence in a tribunal.I thank you for the kind offer of calling Alpha-17. The conversation I had was most enlightening. Now you have been warned.Finally, I suggest that you abstain from drinking an unsafe amount of caf and get some sleep. This indicates to me that you are not of sound mind and thus your allegations are without any basis on account of your lack of mental clarity.Sincerely,
Mr Fives
ARC Trooper
p.s. I know where that lightsaber is. That information can be offered at a price.p.p.s. To my humble fans, this may be my last advice column entry ever. Please wish me luck. To Jesse, please take over and do not let my fans down. Echo, please take care of the kids. I love you bro.
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Dear FivesI require your assistance with a sensitive matter. One of my aforementioned shinies is a fan of yours, and for Life Day, I would like to gift him a day with you.If you spend the day with him, I would be willing to let go of the fact that your general gave them a scare.Sincerely, Commander WraithDear Commander Wraith,
I’d love to help you. However, General Skywalker is not my problem. You need to deal with him directly or speak to his Padawan Ahsoka Tano
(be nice to her. Not only is she my bestie and I'll make you cry if you are mean to her, but she will also make you cry if you are mean to her).
I would be willing to spend the day with the shiny with no conditions attached. I love making new friends. He should come over to The Dominocile and meet my Tauntauns. That would help relieve all his anxiety!Sincerely,Fives
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Dear Fives.This is from a very concerned Coruscant brother.So uh, I don't really know how this happened. I think I'm still in a bit of shock, but there was this nat-born baby left of the steps of the GAR building and now I'm caring for it.I thought you might be one of the best options to contact because I know take care of Tup and those four tauntauns.I'm kinda lost here. Help is very much needed.- Gauze(a very panicked Corrie medic)
Dear Gauze,Congratulations! You’re a father!Welcome to the club :D I’m glad you’ve reached out to me for parenting advice. I know it can feel completely overwhelming but what I need you to do first is take a few deep breaths.Now that you’ve done that, hold the natborn baby close to your chest and make sure they are comfortable.Got that? Good. You’re doing a great job.Let’s focus on what you should do now. Follow this plan and you should have no issues.
Find out if the baby was abandoned or if they are simply lost.
Take the baby to a medic while this investigation occurs. I know you are a medic but it’s best we get someone with expertise in natborn babies to look at the little one. We want to make sure that they are safe, healthy, and not hungry.
Speaking of food, please feed the baby. DO NOT GIVE THE BABY RATIONS. Milk will be perfect (you can get formula from Senator Amidala’s office because apparently she’s stockpiling it for some ‘unknown’ reason).
If the baby has been abandoned, please name the baby. Ask Senator Chuchi for help (apparently natborns have different naming conventions).
The next step is to work out who will watch/feed/hug the little one and when. Get Thorn or Thire to put together a roster. The baby will want to be fed at crazy hours (trust me, I have Tauntaunakin asking me for food at 03:00). You will feel much better and less stressed if your brothers willingly pitch in to help.
You need to then eat, take a sonic, and go to sleep. It's important you take care of yourself during this time.
Tomorrow morning, you are going to sit down with Fox and work out whether you should keep the baby or put them up for adoption. If you cannot keep the baby, I will take them on the condition that my Tauntauns, Tup, and Echo agree. Otherwise, I know someone who is totally not a clone named Cut who may be able to help.
Hopefully that should give you somewhere to start. Let’s look at this plan again after you complete step 7.You are likely going to feel like you don’t know what you are doing and panic for a few days. This is completely normal. You can call me anytime if you don’t know what to do. I don’t care if it’s 03:00. Call me.No matter what happens with this baby, just remember that you are doing the right thing by caring for them. Watch over the baby and give them lots of love.From one buir to another,Fives
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Fives,This is Thire. Thorn asked me to send this to you, since he is busy himself preparing several pots of fresh caf. He wanted you to know Fox just walked out of his office. Sorry for the short message, but I have to inform the complete Coruscant Guard right away.Kind regards,CC-4477 | Thire (Commander of the Coruscant Guard | “Only by surviving, we will prevail")
Dear Thire,Tell Thorn to put on some more caf because I’m coming your way to give Fox the biggest hug in the galaxy.This is the best news I could ever hope for.Even more kind regards than your kind regards,Fivesp.s. Your quote is very inspirational even if I suspect it is plagiarised from a green friend of yours. Have you ever thought about becoming a motivational speaker?
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Hello Fives,We actually don't know each other personally but my friend gave me your contact. He reassured me I was welcome to just leave a message out of the blue since he thought you would be the best of his brothers to ask for advice in this (apparently kind of a sensitive???) matter.We are currently scheduled to stay on 000 for the next two tendays until our absolute whirlwind of a Commander recovered from some force osik (he's doing much better already, but I still worry a bit). The General thought it fitting to use this timeframe being so close to Life Day to get all of the 13th some days off for recreational activities. Whatever that means..Anyways. when I picked up my friend to grab some food we noticed there are new festive posters of the different corps hung around the perimeter of your barracks. They look pretty cool if you ask me, but I wondered why there were no slogans for Live Day included this year? (This is where my friend grumbled about a joke gone wrong and the Corries' medics banning gifting anyone candy canes???)Look, I am not one to meddle with internal squabbles, but our navigation officer group chat always loved to send holos of your posters to those among the galaxy who cannot meet up for Live Day to spread the festive warmth of companionship. My friend told me to just snap holos of this years' posters as they are and come up with the slogans myself. Sadly I am not very talented with words (numbers and pattern are more my thing) but maybe you can help me in this matter? I think the posters are too nice to miss out on, who came up with the Life Day Tree idea for the 41st? And were you involved in the creative process for the posters of the 501st?I'd offer to get you some of lum or tihaar in exchange for your efforts, but I'm actually not sure what kinds of drinks you like or if you actually prefer some food or maybe something for your Taunauns (my friend told me they are almost as famous as you among his brothers), so.. just let me know?Kind regards,FeDear Fe,I’m glad you reached out to me! I am always happy to give advice!Your friend is very well informed. There was a joke. It totally wasn’t that we asked Rex to dress up as Santa (because he is old and like our father and practically looks identical to him) and when he said no we force fed him candy canes. The candy canes were only banned because some CG snitch was watching from a vent and told on us. One of the Commanders in their infinite wisdom sent out the Corrie medics who then decided to place the entire 501st under a permanent candy cane ban.Alas, I have been labelled the ringleader (honestly, not a surprise, but it really wasn’t me who primarily organised it. I only partially organised it). I have been banned from coming up with Life Day slogans and I’m not even allowed to write them down. The Captain said he would be reading all of my advice column entries to make sure I keep my word (hi Rexy!). In this matter, you are on your own but if you meet me at The Dominocile tonight at 22:00 we can discuss the matter further. Bring your friend with you too. Echo will make us some hot cocoa and I’ll prepare some slogans that really… sleigh.You don’t need to give me anything for my help. I will, however, take you up on the offer for my Tauntauns. I am so touched that you would think to give something to my darling Tauntauns. They deserve all the fame and love (but they won’t do interviews. They are still kids and I will protect them from unnecessary publicity). We are really getting into holding tea parties, so I think any fine bone china cups and saucers would be appreciated. And they always love playing dress up. I’m not ashamed to admit that Echo and Tup and I also love playing dress up with them. The Life Day tree is actually a mystery. There is a reward - 1000 credits - if anyone works it out. If you’re trying to get information out of me, I refuse to fold. I will get that reward. I know what you are doing and it’s not going to work.I hope to see you soon.Happy holidays!Kind regards,
Fives
advice columnist | mistletoe farmer | waitlisted elf
p.s. do you need any mistletoe out of curiosity? I can arrange to give you some when you visit for a very small donation.
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Dear Fives,my friend was right, you really are a Jek of all trades, master of all! I might indeed be interested in acquiring some mistletoes to hide in the Life Day Tree our General set up "to create a welcoming atmosphere" for when the little Commander returns..But wait, you mean to tell me the Coruscant Guard medics had to save the Captain Rex from a full blown sugar rush? (I would love to see some footage, which I am sure doesnt exist because nobody would record their CO acting like a happy kid) I will of course ablige by their rules and not bring any candy canes to The Dominocile so we won't stir hot cocoa with them. (I got blue striped ones for you, so they won't even notice, it's just warm blue milk nothing more!)I recently spotted very pretty tea sets on the artisan Life Day Market on level 5015, which I think will be an appropriate thank you gift for your hospitality (no slogans will be created during this visit). I am happy for any excuse to buy another one from the friendly elderly Pantoran lady. She was very knowledgeable about the star patterns she chose for decorating her pottery. I don't know your family's star signs but the Great Tauntaun would be good for everyone, right? I'm sure your children will enjoy the holo sparkle anyways (it does not come off, it is super safe)!My friend would love to meet you all (especially Echo), so we will both be there ten sharp! I'm a bit embarrassed to admit since mapping routes is literally my job, but I would have to ask him for directions anyways. He seems to know all the shortcuts around here. I'm still trying to get him to share his HUD map source with me, because why is this planet so confusing? Somehow he prefers to just walk with me. I tried to talk him to show up in warm civvies, but he said he will keep the lower armor and vambraces because it's more comfortable to him. So if you see a brother in 13th yellow and a human wearing a big yellow scarf (I get cold easily) with two long purple braids it's probably us!Thank you for your help to make the distance in long distance friendships a bit less noticable. I appreciate it a lot and I'm sure the navigation gc will too!Looking forward to meeting you,Fe
Republic navigation affairs | Fair Winds and Following Seas (Is that how you are supposed to do it?)
PS: Captain Rex, if you are indeed reading this, say hi to Cody from me. He still owes us a rematch!
Also I apologize for nothing. Having the 501st and the CG looking out for you is proof of your remarkable skill to bring people together and how you inspired them to help others even against all risks and orders. Be proud of Fives!
PPS: Fives, if your editor also likes tea cups, which star sign would be best to get?
Dear Fe-stive Posters
(I couldn’t help myself),
I am glad I was able to live up to expectations and to the rumours! I’ve got a big red sack filled to the brim with mistletoe. Hopefully that should be enough!Also, does your little Commander want a Life Day gift? Tup has been finger knitting ponchos recently. Perhaps he'd like one in bright pink?The medics did indeed have to save Captain Rex from a sugar rush. I totally did not get any footage at all. None whatsoever. Nothing that would hypothetically make me laugh until I cry every time I watch it. (Also warm blue milk?! You are a GENIUS)I think the tea sets will be perfect. As I always say, a house isn’t a home until it has a set of high quality tea cups. I love that you are supporting small businesses at the Life Day Market!The Great Tauntaun is a wonderful choice - it will be beautiful on all of the cups (also I love that they are handmade - it makes it extra special). You are so thoughtful to make sure the holo sparkle won’t come off. Once you become a parent, you start fretting over little things like this. Tauntaunakin is the type of child (and let’s face it, Ahsoka Tauntauno too) to try and eat them. This gives me one less thing to worry about! I’m so excited to have you visit. All my kids and I will be looking out for the scarf and the beautiful purple hair! Please keep warm while you walk, it’s expected to be super duper cold when you visit. I won’t have you tripping over and hurting your ankle or anything like that because of the snow. Stay safe, please.It is a joy and an honour to be a friend and to make long distance friendships feel closer. I consider it my life mission to make people happy.Looking forward to meeting YOU!Love,
Fives
you did it perfectly | you are a pro at sign offs | idk what to say but the rule of three insists I have to put something here
p.s. I took the liberty of showing Rex this message before I sent it off. He glared at me so I gave him the biggest hug ever and then forced him to spend time with Obi-Taun Kenobz and Tup. He seems more relaxed now. He did, however, say he would pass the message onto Cody.p.p.s. I’m honoured you thought of my editor too! She adores tea cups! She isn’t into star signs but she LOVES constellations and stars and anything space related. I’m sure whatever you pick she will cry over (in a good way).
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Dear Fives,What's your favorite food?Or actually, what's your favorite/least disliked ration flavor.Questioning life,Astro
Dear Astro,Before I answer your question, may I ask why you are questioning life? Are you okay? Do you need to talk to someone?My favourite food is an ice cream sundae with extra whipped cream and marshmallows. Preferably vanilla ice cream and with some sprinkles on top. I don’t like it when too many flavours clash.My least favourite flavour ration is all of them. They are a crime. Gregor and I may or may not be working on creating rations that actually taste delicious. We hope to present our plans to the Senate through our hero Senator Chuchi.I’m planning on making a holovid to post on SpaceYouTube where I record different people eating ration bars for the first time. I hope to bring some awareness to this issue because no one should be forced to eat them. I understand that in war time we need to have rations for the sake of costs and as we have limited room in our packs. That being said, we also deserve to have food that tastes like actual food.If you would like to be in the holovid or if you know anyone who would, let me know. By way of thanking participants, each one will receive:
One signed drawing from my Tauntauns
Ten sprigs of organic mistletoe from my mistletoe farm
A hug from Tup
A voucher to spend at my favourite spa
An exclusive invite to a banquet at The Dominocile with special guests including myself, Echo, Tup, Jesse, Thorn, Gregor, Senator Chuchi and more!
Much love,Fives
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Dear Fives,I'm questioning life because I did try one of those rations. It was not good, but I think my sense of taste is dead enough for it not to be so bad. (The flavor, I'm pretty sure, was red.)And yes, I'll participate in the holovid, if just for one of your Tauntauns' drawing and hug from Tup.Getting milk to drown the rations,Astro
Dear Astro,There is one thing I hate more than raisins. It’s the red flavoured ration bar.It is not just a crime. It is vomit worthy. I’m shuddering just thinking about it.Because you had to endure that tragedy, I’ll throw in an extra drawing and extra hugs. You need it.From,Fivesp.s. filming is tomorrow at 13:00. If you have a red sparkly bow tie, please wear it for the vibes. Otherwise, one will be provided for you.
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Dear FivesI'm feeling murderous. Do you want to go with me to set up an elaborate accident for Darth Hideous? He hurt a clone I consider my brother.Sincerely, Caramel
Dear Caramel,
YES YES YES YES YES!!!!
Is now a good time? My schedule is clear.Also I’m getting a few of my brothers to help. We all have a raging need for vengeance.With freedom coursing through my veins,Fives
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Dear FivesHe will burn in a fire of his own making. Please bring your brothers. I will be bringing mine for brother-sister bonding time. After all, is it really christmas without overthrowing a dictator or two?Ps I'm open to any method as long as it involves an explosion in honour of our fallen brother Pyro.Sincerely, Caramel
My dear Caramel,I wrote a glorious poem which I think you should read and you should let me know if you like my plans. I need to amend it to include you and not just one explosion but SEVERAL.I have to say that I think my poem will become a Christmas classic put to song. A carol if you will.Fun fact: Christmas carols are one of the highest forms of poetry because they are timeless. And our plans will be celebrated for all time!I agree that Christmas really is about overthrowing kingdoms of darkness and replacing them with truth and light. We will remove chancellor waste of space as soon as the timing is right. I have it on good authority that Bail will run for Chancellor (with my son Bob as the figurehead). Bob’s election promises are:
Hugs
Paint
Snuggles
I also know Sable (my master) will likely run. Her promises are:
Unlimited power
Really cool stuff she totally didn’t steal
Meow
The current system clearly doesn’t work. Having a Tauntaun or Tooka run the Senate seems like the most logical solution. But Bail is the exception to this because he is the GOAT.I can’t vote because I DON’T HAVE RIGHTS (but legend Senator Chuchi is working on it) but if I could vote, you can see the trouble I’d have in picking a candidate. Both are fantastic!But I am getting carried away for the revolutionary spirit causes me to not plan for tomorrow but for the days that follow! Let me alter my poem, my plans, and we shall destroy chancellor p together!With justice beating at my chest and my heart set alight with freedom,
Fives
soldier | poet | king
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Oh Fives. I just want to tell you that you give the best most heartfelt advice. Even those of us who haven't yet asked personally for advice feel encouraged by your replies to others!I really hope that you and your brothers will be treated to something nice for Life Day. Is there a way us thankful civilians can contribute? I am too shy to go to 79's so I can't ask anyone personally and the Corries are really intimidating when I see them out and about.Kindest regards, someone on Coruscant 💙To my friend on Coruscant,I am so touched by your kind words. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. All I want is to help people and if I can encourage you all in my own small way, then I’ve done my job well. I have it on excellent authority that my dear brothers will be more than looked after during the Life Day celebrations. Thank you so much for thinking about them. That gesture will mean the galaxy to them. Just your thoughts alone are worth gold.79s can be super intimidating. Truth be told, sometimes I get a bit nervous going in there, especially when some of the Commanders are there.The Corrie boys are some of the kindest, gentlest souls I know. Sure, they can be scary when on duty, but they have to be. Sometimes a stern hand is required when enforcing the law. Discipline is often a form of tough love, but love nonetheless. When they are not arresting people for committing crimes, they are usually joking away or painting something in the CG headquarters. They are definitely people you want on your side. If they like you, they would go above and beyond to make sure you are safe and sound.If you’d like, I’d love to introduce you to them. They are actually having an informal get together later this week (food, a holo on in the background, some board games) which you could come to as my plus one. You could ask them while you are there for some ideas. Rumour has it that a few of the shinies want to compile a list of things they want and to send to a man by the name of Nicholas? Apparently he gives gifts. I don’t know if you know him but perhaps you could pass it along with your Coruscanti connections.I hope that helps.The only other thing I want is to permanently get rid of Palpatine, go to the World Between Worlds, and get a subscription to a comic book about sharks that fight droids in the name of peace. One of my favourite pastimes is sitting in solitude and reading.With my deepest gratitude,Fives
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Dear ARC Trooper Fives,What do you think about Commander Wolffe? I'm just curious, haha. And on a totally unrelated note, who would you pick, Ahsoka or Echo for a trip to see a movie?I love your tattoo btw!Sincerely, Marie 💕Dear Marie,Heh. Commander Wolffe. Striking lad. Fierce temper. Secret softie.He is probably issuing a warrant for my arrest at this very moment.Don’t ask why.About the movie, it really depends on what I’m going to see. If it’s a romcom, Echo all the way. If it’s a psychological thriller, Ahsoka. Either way, I love watching movies with both of them because we have really deep conversations afterwards about the themes and messages. The two of them have really helped broaden my thinking on a range of different issues. We don’t always agree but healthy debate is important.With much love,Fivesp.s. thanks for the tattoo love! It just felt so right to get it. It’s simple, it’s subtle, it’s different. I didn’t want to go overboard (cough cough Jesse cough cough) and your comment gives me peace that the design was the right choice!
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(it's a voice recording)Hotwire: Is this thing on? Yeah, ok...Dear Fives,It's yah boi, Hotwire, you know the 501st trooper you pulled out of an umbaran flesh eating plant, huh, it's been a while since we last talked.I've been a long-time follower of this advice column, and I'm writing it to ask how life's treating you. I hope your having a good life day at your place... what was it called again?I'm also writing in to tell you that you still owe Rex a new microwave,after what happened last year.And Jesse somehow managed to find a locker with your name on it.. in the roof. Do you want us back at the barracks to send it over? Also also, Fox has, on many different occasions, tried to post some court appearance letters to here. What's that all about?And.... HARDCASE!! WHY IS THERE RAMEN IN THE COFFEE POT?Hardcase: Cause I can...Hotwire: Ok.... can you fix it, I'm trying to call into Five's advice columnHardcase: Ok... tell him I said hi!Hotwire: Kind regards from the 501st barracksHardcase: And call us on chanel.... 501-BRK-69Tup: Hardcase!!!The recording endHOTWIRE MY BOII!Always a pleasure and never a burden to hear your sweet, melodic voice! I’m so glad you’ve reached out for it does feel as if it’s been an age since I pulled you out of the flesh eating plant. It is good to hear all is well!Life at my place - The Dominocile - is a dream. I had a sudden realisation one day (thanks to Echo) that I could take my life into my own hands and now that I’ve been dechipping my brothers (swing on by bro, you need to taste freedom too) and planning to kill chancellor p (I’m not crossing that out. At this point I’m just putting it out there in the open. I can’t be bothered hiding my distaste for the waste of space any longer) I feel amazing! Self-worth is a wonderful thing!It’s a wonderful lesson I’ve been teaching my Tauntaun children and Tup (my adopted-ish child but he’s only a little bit younger than me so I'm still a buir). I’m so glad I was able to take Tup away from the battlefield and let him run around in the garden and watch holofilms. It’s what he deserves.Now about that microwave… I thought it was funny. But I promise I had no idea you weren’t supposed to put metal inside it! Jesse told me it would be completely fine! And somehow I was the one to get in trouble because Kix stood up for Jesse! Anyway, it must have slipped my mind to buy Rexy a new one. I’ll get onto that once I wipe this clay face mask off.Please leave the locker in the roof. It’s there for a very important reason which I can only say has to do with Life Day celebrations and definitely not a prank. DO NOT OPEN IT! The court appearance letters are just a running joke. Nothing to see there. Please don't talk to Fox about it for he already has enough to stress about.Send my love to Hardcase and tell Tup I’m proud of him. Also do not question the ramen being in the coffee pot. Just taste it. Your life will be changed (if that’s the only advice I ever give you then I’ve done my job well).See you on Life Day!Fivesy xo
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CT-27-5555, ARC Trooper Fives,I would like to thank you for your most recent response. I really appreciate your words of encouragement. I don’t know what the meaning of ‘bestie’ is, but I’m quite positive you’re one of my favourite vode. I actually unlocked my door and went outside to grab a caf again, thanks to your words.Speaking of your words, If I remember correctly, you're into poetry. I have read some work of yours that might have brought a tear to my eye. Just one tear, of course (I have a reputation to uphold as the Marshal Commander of the Coruscant Guard).So I find myself holomailing you once again, this time with a simple request. Could you write some poetry about how you plan on getting rid of my boss? Hypothetically speaking, of course. (I’m trying to add several of the wink-emojis but I don’t know how to; I’ll add it to my ask-Thorn-list, after I’ve spoken with him about the thing below)With expectant regards,CC-LOVE | Foxy Fox (Most Sensitive Marshal Commander of the GAR | Professional Hugger | Chronically Loved)
p.s. This is the thing below. I asked Thorn to delete my automatic signature but he just altered it and I don't know how to get the old one back. I’ve unlocked my door for TEN MINUTES and this happens. Do you understand now why I'm always tired?
Dearest CC-LOVE, Foxy Fox,I love the new name and the updated job description! It suits you so well ☺️As you are a professional hugger, I must request that you visit my place - The Dominocile - and hug my four Tauntaun children. I will pay you in drawings and caf expertly roasted by Tup. He’s recently taken a caf making course and it’s clear he was born for greatness. His caf is divine.I’m glad that you feel encouraged. To know that we are besties is the greatest honour and achievement of my life. You have no idea how long I have been dreaming of this moment. I don’t know what to say.
(Echo here. Fives is sobbing. I know how much he wants for his brothers to be happy. It is a relief knowing you have left your office and got some caf. I’ve been following this saga very intently. I have nothing to add other than you have my support).
I’m back. I’ve just read Echo’s little note and I’ve decided to keep it because everything he says is amazing. And you have READ MY POETRY? YOU CRIED?! FOXY FOX FOX YOU CRIED?
(Echo again. Fives is curled up smiling and laughing and crying?! I think there might be something wrong with him. I also think it’s important you know that I introduced him to the art form known as poetry).
I’m back for good this time. No more crying... not that crying is bad. I love crying. I just need to write you this poem.It is my joy and honour to write you a poem about removing the evil evil villainous man known as chancellor ‘waste of space’ p. This has been brewing in my mind for quite some time. The plan is in place but I am waiting for the right moment to arise to execute it. I hope you don’t mind but you are a vital part of this epic poem/plan.Fox, I am going to give you the privilege of seeing a draft poem that is incomplete. No one (except Echo) gets to see my drafting phase but I thought that this knowledge would cheer you up!
In the middle of the night
I’ll give Palpsies a big fright
And I’ll slit his sickly throat
I will be called the GOAT
But fame is not what I seek
For I am humble and meek
All I want is peace freedom justice and security to my new…
(Think of a better rhyme)
MY REAL POEM
"Poetic Justice"
The 501st is blue
Roses are red
It will be a great day
When awful palps is dead!
The plan of action is simple
It requires just me and you
We will enter the Rotunda
And at the same time go pew pew!
After our blasters end his life
We will stand side by side
And let out a few more shots
To make sure that he is fried
(We don’t want him returning or anything)
Everyone will stop and stare
Senators will begin to cheer
Obi-Wan will breathe a sigh of relief
As Palps will no longer have Ani’s ear
The celebrations will be opened thusly
I will recite a poetic monologue from the heart
You will nod stoically but shed a tear
Because my words are a work of art
Afterwards we’ll leave hand in hand
As best friends for life
But I’ll slip away at the last second
So you can ask Riyo Chuchi to be your wife
That’s what I have so far. There might be a Klepto Tooka (Sable) involved as well. I’m also thinking about campaigning for Bob to become the new Chancellor.I hope this brings a tear to your eye and overflowing joy in your heart.With much love,Fives
poet | political mastermind | fox’s bestiep.s. I understand your exhaustion. My kids wake me up at the craziest hours. Please be nice to Thorn otherwise I'll send you a strongly worded poem forcing you to reform your ways. Consider this a loving threat.
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Dear Fives,What’s your favourite holiday?From WizardDear Wizard,I’ve been advocating to make National Fives Day a thing but so far my applications have been denied. I celebrate it unofficially.But if we are speaking about official holidays, it obviously is the birthdays of my four Tauntaun children. I’ve already started planning for next year and the 501st want to get involved (Rex is still hesitant and I’m working on General Skywalker) and the Corries.If you want to join in the celebrations, you should draw a picture of something that makes you happy on their birthday and send it to them. I’ll get Obi-Taun Kenobz to send you a detailed reply detailing what aspects of your art he loved.From,Fives
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Su cuy’gar Fives Recently I have started to develop feelings (I think) for someone, I will not disclose who for personal reasons, I hope you understand. I need advice as to how to get past the mutual flirting stage, Kal’buir said not to create a list of things I like about them and read them off to them, said it’s not romantic enough even though it would be the most efficient in my opinion. One brother of my squad, Buruk, said that you’re the brother to come to, I hope he’s not wrong.-RC-2658 “Kotep”Su cuy’gar Kotep!I totally understand your need for privacy. Do not fear! I will not pry into your personal matters. You’ve given me more than enough details to work with here.Please do not recite a list of things you like about them. Please. It will come across as desperate and uncool. If you’re in the flirting stage, they probably think you are pretty cool (as it’s mutual too).Romance should never be viewed through the lens of efficiency. It takes away the beauty and the sweetness of it. Your potential SO wants to be wooed and that takes time!I think that you should save the list of things you like about them to drop sporadically in conversation as the relationship develops. Another thing you could do is write a love letter. That comes across as thoughtful because you have taken the time to write it out and put in effort. I suggest you write it on really nice rose scented paper and that you wait until the relationship has progressed into something serious before doing this.But that is all in the future! For now, you need to be brave and make the first move. All you need to do is ask them out on a date. It really is as simple as that. As you’re flirting with them, slip in that you’d love to take them out for caf and specifically say that it is a date. There is nothing worse than someone being unsure if meeting up is a date or just friends hanging out. You want to make sure you are on the same page.There is no need to overcomplicate this. I have a feeling that they will say yes. Honestly and good communication is the foundation of any relationship. Be direct and take the first step!Your brother was right to send you to me. I don’t say that to be arrogant. I only speak facts. Gather up your courage and pursue the love of your life!From,Fives
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Dear FivesHow does one get to The Dominocile? I made cupcakes.Your friendly neighbourhood GhostSpiderTo my friendly neighbourhood GhostSpider,Click your heels together three times and wish upon a star.
(I don’t like telling people my exact coordinates on the Holonet. If you swing by the 501st's barracks, I’ll get Jesse to take you to my place from there. He’s my unofficial bouncer)
Love,Your friendly neighbourhood advice columnist
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Dear Fivesies,Hiii! How are you? So I was wondering if you could give me some advice...I may have an eeny weeny teensy crush on Sargent Hound. WHAT DO I DO?!? He's known me for a while now, but he doesn't know I like him. For all I know he might just see me as a friend...or even worse, a SISTER! But I don't know where to start. He's just heroic and smart, and his lil bud Grizzler is so freaking cute! He lets me pet-sit him sometimes. But anyway, how should I handle this? Should I tell him that I like him? Or wait to see if he makes a move? Thanks in advance!Your friend, AmoraDear Amora,Firstly, may I say that you have such a beautiful name! If he lets you pet sit Grizzer I think that answers how he feels about you. I am a firm believer in making the first move. If you wait for him, you could be waiting for a long time! Why wait when you could start a relationship now? You have nothing to lose if you ask him out. If he says yes (which he will) then congratulations you have a boyfriend!If he says no, then that’s totally okay! It may sting to get rejected but he is a respectful dude, so he would be kind about it. You can at least be proud that you tried and then you won’t have to worry about whether or not he likes you or what to do or if your seen as a sister or not!I think we like to inflict misery and relationship conflict/drama on ourselves when there really is no need to. It’s nice in a holofilm but irl we need to seize the day! Carpe diem and all that jazz.If you’re feeling nervous, you might be able to sus out one of his brothers in the CG and ask whether they know if Hound reciprocates your feelings. That way you can slowly build up the courage to ask him out. Fear is not always a negative thing - being afraid to ask these big questions is just a sign that you really care!Just speak from the heart and be yourself. Authenticity is like a magnet - it attracts.
With much love
(as a friend ofc),
Fivesiesp.s. your name means love, which I think is a sign that you’re destined for great love… with Hound ;)
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Dear Fives,So bad news, a natborn officer just found the pigeon's nest that you sent Commander Fox.Good news, they've been dealt with (They're unsurprisingly unpopular with the lower level residents.), and the pigeon is fine. I've named her Harmless! She got a few pecks in before we threw him out!Moving on to great news, we managed to get Commander Fox to sleep for 4 hours! 4 whole hours! I don't even know how we managed that!Have a wonderful day,ReportP.s. Senator Chuchi said tell you "Thank you"
P.s.s. Please ask your general to stop meeting Senator Amidala in the closets of the Rotunda.
It's stressing Thorn out, having to try and make sure their relationship doesn't get out and cause a political(?) scandal.
Dear Report,My man! I’m so happy to hear from you again. Honestly, I think I’m going to have to talk to Senator Amidala rather than the General. He doesn’t listen. Whenever I mention the Senator’s name, he gets stars in his eyes. He pretends that he doesn’t but it’s so painfully obvious.I actually understand the allure of having a secret relationship because I’m a true romantic but I thought the thrill of it requires it to actually be a secret. But yet again, what would I, an esteemed advice columnist and author of the forthcoming publication ‘Fives’ Guide to Getting a Girlfriend: Clone Trooper Edition’ know?I’m thrilled to hear that we are one natborn officer down and one pigeon up. The name is fabulous. Please send Harmless my best regards and tell her I’m bringing treats the next time I swing by. I hope she likes chocolate chips and jewellery (Echo found a cute necklace at an op shop which he thought would suit perfectly. Hopefully silver is the right colour).You say it’s great news Foxy got some sleep but I say it’s the GREATEST news! How can this be? If anyone else had told me, I would have thought they were lying. However, you are a very honest dude so I believe you but only just. This calls for eggnog and mince pies!Now the challenge is to get him to sleep for four hours again tonight! These are exciting times we live in.I hope you have a wonderful day too!From,Fivesp.s. give Chuchi my warmest regards. I think you should ask her if she wants the pigeon to do daily patrols around her office. It might scare some of the idiot senators away from her. Surely Harmless won’t actually hurt anyone… right? Teehee!
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Dear Fives,Me and my twin Thunder would like to become ARC Troopers someday, you and Echo are our heroes. But, our batchmates don't seem to think we are ARC material. Our brothers that we've grown up with, don't believe in us, tease us relentlessly and are downright mean sometimes.That just kinda stings, you know? We just want to work as a team with them. Our batchmates have their own strenghts as well, and we would work amazingly together, but they choose to put us down instead for no reason. With that being said, do you have any advice or tips and tricks how to achieve our dream ? Also any advice on improving communication between our siblings?We would also like to hang out with our older brothers in 501st sometime, if that's okay. It sure feels lonely sometimes within our own squad that doesn't consider us as equals. Thunder says we should just ignore them, he acts all tough, but I can hear him sobbing quietly sometimes during the night cycle, he's hurting deep down and won't admit it.Sincerely,Your Shiny brothers Lightning and ThunderMy dear Shiny brothers Lightning and Thunder,My heart breaks for both of you. I am so sorry you have been experiencing this horrible treatment from your batchmates. You do not deserve this. You deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect. Anything less is simply wrong.Your dream to become ARC Troopers is admirable and I absolutely love your ambition! I am a firm believer in reaching for your dreams. It really does sting when those you love and look up to don’t think you can achieve them. However, I want you to know that a wise person once said to shoot for the moon and even if you miss, you’ll still be in the stars. There’s a reason why the poets look to the stars for inspiration - they shine bright for all to see, dazzling across space and time. There is beauty in pursuing your dreams - in the pursuit and when the dream becomes reality.I want you to know that as corny as it sounds, the first thing you need to do is believe in yourself. You are on the right track already. You know what you want to achieve. What is great too is that you both support each other - so you have double the belief!Now you need to come up with a manageable plan so you can actually become an ARC Trooper. Start training. Become disciplined. Stretch your mind.You know what, I agree with Thunder telling you to ignore your batchmates. Sometimes you do have to ignore the haters. Some people will never want you to succeed and even when you do succeed, they won’t celebrate your win. You don’t need to pander to these people. You need to stand your ground.I would make it clear to them that you will not tolerate being bullied. Use your words wisely. You can rehearse what you want to say in your head so you’re prepared for the moment. You could say something like “when you say *fill in the blanks here,* I feel like you don’t care or believe in me. This makes me feel upset, frustrated, lonely, and confused. I want us to move past this by working together as a team because I think as a group we have skills that complement each other so well. What do you think?”Then you might be able to list some solutions and say what you want specifically changed. It's all about being assertive in your communication.If they continue to bully you after this, that is your sign that it’s time to let the relationship go. The great thing about being an ARC is that you will spend a lot of time away from them, so that should assist in creating the clean breakaway you need.We would love to have you visit the 501st. Even better than that, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows an officer who knows an administrator who can get you a permanent transfer to the 501st. If you can’t resolve things with your batchmates, you always have a home with us. At the 501st we have a ‘no being mean’ policy. It’s never been violated before and it never will. General Skywalker was very adamant about it and so was Captain Rex.Echo and I would love to help you out to achieve your ARC Trooper dreams if you choose to move over with us. If you don’t, we can still help you with training and advice or at least connect you with someone that can. True brothers support each other.Please tell Thunder that he is my hero. I might not be able to completely understand how he feels but I admire how strong he is. To withstand taunting requires great patience and self-control.And you, Lightning, are my hero too. To ask for help is not always easy but it is extremely brave. You are a deep thinker and compassionate.These are really important qualities for an ARC Trooper. You both were born for this.With all my brotherly affection,Fives
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Dear Fivester,Still holding the title of Coolest Clone in the GAR, I see. Must be exhausting carrying all that rizz. Anyway, I finally took your advice and took Jesse out, and we’re expecting…a fifth date!What he didn’t know: I’ve been secretly filming every single time I outdrink him. And oh, Fives, you didn’t warn me he’s a talkative drunk. He spilled the tea about your Tauntaunakin (still mad no one showed me a holo of this absolute unit), and, hear me out - he said he wants to adopt a tooka or a nuna. Drunk me may or may not have agreed to fetch one for him from the underworld. So if I come back with a feral creature and a black eye, you know why.I’ll send you the recordings of him singing Hot To Go (you’re welcome), and tequila’s on me this weekend, assuming I’m not mauled by a street tooka first.Live laugh loot,RedDear Red,You really are after my own heart (in a platonic way, of course!). It is true that I must bear the great burden of carrying so much rizz. At times it almost seems as if it will crush me. However, I have many brothers (including Jesse) who are more than willing to share this load but I give it to them in small doses. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm them with rizz that they cannot handle properly. With great power comes great rizzponsibility.I’m so excited you’re expecting a fifth date! I thought you were going to say you were expecting him to get that tattoo removed. I don’t quite understand how that got him a girlfriend but I guess if it worked, it worked. And I think you are fabulous so please don’t see that as a dig at you. I’m just amazed the lad would plaster a massive cog on his face and call it art.If you’ve been secretly filming him then you probably have an entire holofilm franchise worth of footage. I can hire out a cinema so we can watch it. This sounds like fun! And look, I didn’t want to spoil that he was a talkative drunk. Some things are best left unsaid.
But unseen? That's a real shame you know the feeling of being deprived of pics of my Tauntauns. My darling Tauntaunakin is somehow adorable yet growing like crazy?! It’s amazing how quickly he’s hitting a growth spurt, much sooner than my other beautiful amazing children. He’s going to be an absolute tank when he’s older. I’m sure of it. You should meet him in person - I think he will adore you
(not as much as Senator Amidala but you'd be in his top 10 favourite people of all time. It goes Senator Amidala, me, his three siblings, Echo, Fox, Thorn, Jesse, Tup. He has a love hate relationship with Tup. I think you'd take Jesse's place for sure. Sometimes I think Rex is in tenth place but he hasn't visited in a while because he's busy catching up on sleep and I also glued him to a chair and I will not be elaborating).
I think you should fetch Jesse a tooka AND a nuna. He will 100% ask you to marry him on the spot. Totally worth the price of two black eyes. But I know a really good medic that could help get that swelling down in half the time it normally takes for natborns. Offer’s open if you need it.PLEASE SAY YES TO HIS PROPOSAL BY THE WAY. And that’s not just because he’s the best man to ever exist but also because we need him off our hands. He’s secretly very clingy.Looking forward to the recordings (I hope he’s doing the dance), your epic company, and the *insert music here*… tequila!Live laugh loot,Fives
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Dear Fives,I don't know if anybody's asked this before, but now I really need to know--how does the 501st celebrate Life Day?Best wishes,A Friend!My friend,I am glad you asked. Thrilled. Delighted. Ecstatic. All the synonyms!
(I can hear Echo sighing. I recite my responses out loud and likes to listen. He has now politely informed me that he was sighing on Captain Rex’s behalf. How very efficient for Captain Rex to have someone else process his emotions for him!)
And even if someone had asked, I'd be delighted to respond again. I'm always happy to talk to my friends!We have a kind of schedule that we follow. We have to schedule our activities because there are many of us who like a clear plan of action. But it’s a very loose schedule because we also value spontaneity. It’s more like a list that we follow in order but we don’t assign any time frames to the items. It’s very extensive and I guarantee if you adopt even just one of the things we do into your holiday celebrations it will make your life 501% more better.
First, we all arrive to Kix grilling on the BBQ. Do not talk to him. Let him cook. You simply nod in his direction and keep walking. We respect the chef.
While that happens, we have a massive game of duck duck goose. The person who is the goose has to run around with lit matches and try to make sure the flame doesn’t go out.
Once that’s over, we use that match to light some of the candles on the tree.
By this stage, Kix has finished cooking and we eat for a few solid hours. We have several courses and normally a few speeches because the boys get sentimental.
Then it’s time for PRESENTS!!! We make Rex dress up as Santa to hand them out. We tried having elves hand them out one year but Dogma got stuck on the roof and he has never forgiven us.
You can't forget capture the flag! Sometimes the 212th celebrates Life Day with us but only on years we’ve been extra nice. What I don’t understand is that they come even when we are on the naughty list (according to General Skywalker and Commander Tano). I think Rex just wants to spend more time with Cody. No one is complaining though because they get aggressive during capture the flag. You’ve heard of Cody roundhouse kicking droids but have you ever seen him roundhouse kick Rex? It's amazing.
A new feature this year is that we are making gingerbread houses with my precious Tauntaun children. I think the kids might perform some yodelling or a barbershop quartet routine. Hopefully Bob doesn't feel too shy to perform his solo of beautiful Tauntaun noises.
(Don’t tell the General but we are going to conveniently call him when a shipment of mistletoe ends up at Senator Amidala’s house. I’m all about a holiday romance)
We will end by watching It’s A Wonderful Life (Day). It's always the highlight because we make a clone pile and fall asleep. It’s also Rex’s favourite part. He insists on being in the middle and having a blanket tucked around his chin. It's also tradition for the shinies to be closest to him. I love Rex so much.
Unfortunately, this year we have an addition of Kris Kringle. We will do the exchange the day after Life Day. All us clones must participate (saying that it is intense is putting it mildly). Now, I hear you saying “Oh Fives! Why is this unfortunate? You get PRESENTS!”And to that, my dear friend, you have a point. But there is an important fact you are missing which will change your perspective entirely. Somehow the random name generator assigned me THAT CHILD. YOU KNOW THE ONE. I’m 99% sure that Tech and Echo rigged the system. The statistical chances of me getting her were slim to none! AND NOW FATE MOCKS ME.The point of Kris Kringle is to keep it secret but I don’t care. She doesn’t read my column anyway because I blocked it on her datapad and I told Mr Technology that if he dares to touch it… I’m not finishing that sentence. Some things are best left unsaid. Also I’m scared of Phee hurting me. She’s the best I love her so much.But I forgot the most important bit! After the celebrations are over. Echo, Tup, myself, and my Tauntauns will change into matching monogrammed PJs and have a party at The Dominocile. I’m going to cover the floor in mattresses and blankets and we’ll have the fire going and some 'Life Day Beats to Fall Asleep To' playing in the background.I hope our festive plans put a smile on your face and inspire your own. You can always add more fun into your holidays - just make room for it in your schedule! At the 501st, it’s a priority!Much love,Fives
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Dear FivesTime is running out, and Ask Fives 2.0 is coming to an end, so I wanted to wish you a happy Life Day and to say thank you for opening your inbox to the people. We appreciate you very much, and we hope you and your brothers will be blessed this Life Day.PS I hope your plans to unalive chancellor bantha poodoo goes well.PPS I purposely chose not to capitalize the chancellor's name because I wanted to insult him even further.Love and cheer,-LycanwingDear Lycanwing,It is a privilege, a joy, and my greatest honour speaking to my friends all across the galaxy. Each one of you hold a unique and dear place in my heart. I love and value each one of you.I am so touched by your kind words and your love for my advice column. It is my wish that my advice was able to provide you with the solutions you have been looking for.Sending you lots of love and Life Day blessings!Your friend,Fives <3p.s. I love that you chose to insult him further. I am going to start purposefully not capitalising his name. You are brilliant. The plans are coming together very nicely. Just editing my poem plan and making some small changes to my monologue (and finding babysitting for the Tauntauns the day it takes place. They don’t need to see it. We must protect innocence where we can).
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Dear Fives, I’m gonna miss your advice! When will we hear from you again?Dearest Leena,Perhaps a gal/pal/valentines day edition of my advice column is in order? I love all my fans and don't want to exclude anyone so I’d keep it very open and allow questions on love, life, singleness, and general relationship problems.I would never want to let you all down.I still have so much more left to give.Love,Fives
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Hi Fives,Can you say hi to Echo, Tup and pretty much everyone else for me? You guys rock. 🤩 And what do you think about causing some havoc and mischief for the Seppies? They've been especially annoying as of late. Me and a couple of other shinies think they are in a desperate need of a proper lesson in not messing with us. We have planned something truly devious. 😈 We would appreciate your assistance and if you could bring Echo and the others along too, that would be neat! The more the merrier. 😁All the best,Droidkicker and batchmates, your resident shiniesTo Droidkicker & Co,COUNT ALL OF US IN!Nothing gives me greater pleasure than causing havoc and mischief. To then direct this towards the Seppies is the best idea in the entire galaxy! There is no one I hate more than Seppies (except chancellor p and p*ng kr*ll).I believe it is important to pass down my wisdom to you shinies. The first thing you need to know in order to teach the Seppies a proper lesson in not messing with you is that you must be prepared. I’ll bring along my DC bats, some high strength duct tape, bubbles, a lightsaber that I found (don’t ask), and sheet music in twelve different keys.Of course, I humbly will follow your devious plans but I also offer my ideas in case you need them as a back up plan. I was thinking we restrain them and then force them to listen to us all sing the same song but completely out of tune. Or perhaps we could start with that and then your grand plan can be the finale. I shall follow your lead!All the best,Fivesp.s. Echo, Tup, and pretty much everyone else say hi back!
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Eeny Meeny Fivesy Moe,What are your plans for Life Day? I have to pull an all-nighter shift, unfortunately. Fox tried figuring out how to get us all (except himself of course) some rotations off, but apparently someone called him a ‘weather boy’ and he was a bit taken aback by it (he refused to show me the holomail so I have no idea what the context of the message was - I am actually banned from coming near his desk ever since I changed his automatic signature into something more wholesome). Oh well, at least we'll be there to accompany him. I’d hate the idea of him pulling a shift all alone.
Until we'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when; but I know we'll meet again some sunny day
Head-Shoulders-Knees-and-Thorn, Knees-and-Thorn
Dearest Head-Shoulders-Knees-and-Thorn, Knees-and-Thorn,You are no longer pulling that all nighter shift.I have been working on an elaborate plan for months now and it’s finally going to pay off. I ordered some cardboard cutouts of the Corries and they finally arrived! I’ll be putting them around the place. They also have microphones attached and will play breathing noises and different phrases every once in a while to appear realistic. Also, the door to the Corrie HQ is magically going to malfunction and require 2-3 business days to fix, so no one is going to be checking in on you.Instead, you are attending the 501st’s EPIC Life Day party. Please bring the entire CG and you must make sure that Fox attends. If he doesn’t want to join in, you better make sure he is delivered to the doorstep of his lady love. You must ensure that happens. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!For once, I’m siding with Fox and saying that you shouldn’t snoop around his desk. Please don’t try and find out who sent him that message or what the context of it was. I think it’s totally not relevant at all and you have no need to worry or panic! Ha!Also Thorny boy are you trying to make me cry with that song? Please don’t tell anyone but it’s my favourite. This lady sang it to our battalion once and I was a mess.Happy Life Day!Love,Working Nine to Fives (what a way to make a livin’)
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CT-27-5555, ARC Trooper Fives,I'm finally ready to admit it to myself, but I think I'd like to talk to someone about my personal issues. Tubie steps, I know. But - and please don't hold this against me later on - your responses and your Tauntauns have actually been a great help to me. To make me realise I might be in need of some help. And a certain senator too, but as always, I'm staying professional and won't be saying any names out loud.I'm not really sure if there's even professional help available for us clones, because I think you need to be in the system in order to be scheduled for an intake interview. I don't even know if I can get time off for said intake interview. Maybe I need you to dress up like me after all, to impersonate me for as long as I'm away. (Which I'm sure won't be long, there's not really that much to talk about, is there?)But if anyone can pull it off, it would be you. Thanks, Fives. For everything. I owe you. I'll be in touch.
CC-1010 | Fox
(Marshal Commander of the Coruscant Guard | Professional Caf Addict | Chronically Fatigued)
p.s. Thire helped me get the original automatic signature back when he heard me mumble a threat to Thorn when he walked past my office.
p.p.s. What time does Bob wake up? I'd like to come over and hug him. I don't suppose he's into caf and ration bars? I'll swing by a shop on my way out of the HQ (it's been a while since I've been outside).
...
DISCLAIMER:
I know this is crack but never EVER feel ashamed for getting (professional) help; mental health matters, YOU MATTER! Fox/Lupe out.
My dearest Fox,I am here to support you with each step you take in your journey towards healing. It is such a brave thing to recognise not only that you need help, but that you are taking action. That is a beautiful act of self-love. I am so proud of you - not only as your friend but as your brother.Names shall not be passed but I am pleased to know that you’ve had multiple people speaking into your life. Please know my Tauntauns send their love and that they are willing to do whatever they can to help you out. Ahsoka Tauntauno suggested you could come over to do some colouring in before your first therapy session (it’s an amazing stress reliever and I know how nervous one can feel in the hours before the first therapy session).Please do not worry about who you can seek professional help from. I am positive your friend in the Senate has some contacts. If any of hers don't click with you, I have a network of people that you can reach out to. Don't write off therapy because one therapist doesn't work. There will be someone out there that will fit what you're looking for.I would be more than happy to dress up as you for the day so you can go. It’s actually been a lifelong dream of mine to rule the Corries with Thorn by my side (don't tell Echo). You have nothing to worry about! I’ve been practicing my impersonation of you and to get a chance to test it out in the wild and see if it passes will be a lot of fun! I’ll keep the boys entertained, the Senate in check, and perhaps throw a few fun surprises chancellor p’s way for good measure (that should put you at ease. We shall seek vengeance while you seek therapy. We are both healing in our own ways).Again, my dear vod, I am so proud of you. My brother, you are going to find ways to not only cope but to thrive. You deserve that, Fox. You deserve to be happy.With all my love,Fives
p.s. you don’t owe me anything. I’m not helping you because I expect a favour in return. I’m helping you because you are my brother. I love you.
p.p.s. Bob wakes up at 07:00 but you aren’t allowed to come over unless you’ve had more than 4 hours of sleep. I’ll be getting Report to confirm this. The only exception is if you come over to snuggle with the Tauntauns and take a nap for at least 90 minutes.
I am so touched you want to bring something for Bob. My darling Bob isn’t allowed to try caf yet but you are welcome to bring him warm milk. He is sitting beside me now drawing a picture of the two of you hugging. The angel is so excited to spend time with Uncle Fox! Hopefully we will see you soon.
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Dear Mr Fives Rexson,On behalf of the Hoth Dawg Ranch, I'd like to wish you and your dear Tauntauns a very merry Life Day! We hope you're enjoying each other’s company. We appreciate you as a customer and for being a part of the Hoth Dawg family, and we hope you're satisfied with our services.As a Gold Member, you're the first to receive news from the ranch and get a first choice pick in adoption possibilities. We would like to ask for your attention about the following:
Option for Adoption
Baby Tauntaun twins for adoption! Nicknamed Luke and Leia (their pedigree names haven’t been decided yet, so feel free to come up with your own names), their poor mother died during childbirth because she couldn't cope with the bad choices her husband was making. The twins are still very small and incredibly precious; they need to be bottle-fed every three hours for at least another three months in order to grow into strong, healthy Tauntaun children. We will only trust them with the best care in the galaxy.
Are you interested or do you have an overworked bestie that needs a new hyperfixation for therapeutic reasons? Don't hesitate to write us back; Luke and Leia deserve a loving home!
With kind regards,
Eleanor Cho
On behalf of the Hoth Dawg Ranch - Galaxy's Most Esteemed Tauntaun Farm
Dear Eleanor,I extend to you and all the highly esteemed staff and Tauntauns at Hoth Dawg Ranch the merriest Life Day greetings! May your days be merry and bright!Please assure everyone at the Ranch that my darling Tauntauns are absolutely thriving! I never knew such happiness until I became their buir. You’ll be expecting an update on the loves of my life… which I am always excited to give you! Obi-Taun Kenobz is enjoying all things dramatic and philosophical. He loves watching SpaceJeopardy and has recently taken to learning how to fight with swords. It would be remiss of me to forget his weekly tea & karaoke sessions. They are hilarious, witty, and soothing. Obi-Taun Kenobz is the brain of the family and I fully expect him to be the first Tauntaun in history to graduate with a PhD.Tauntaunakin loves running around outside chasing his brother Tup and listening to music. He also loves watching Senator Amidala whenever she speaks in the Senate. When he’s not doing that, he loves helping in the kitchen. Tauntaunakin is very devoted to the wellbeing of the family (when he isn't listening to emo music in a dark corner of his room). I constantly tell people that he is the heart of the family. I’ve never seen someone love as deeply as him.Ahsoka Tauntauno has a habit of bringing in dead rats into the house (I’m trying to train her out of it) but she is finding other ways to express her lively personality too! She has recently discovered the game Twister and will spend hours playing it. There is never a dull moment when she is in the room. Ahsoka Tauntauno always finds a way to make you laugh with the games she makes up or the faces she pulls. She is the soul of the family - her love, laughter, and light bring all her brothers together. Bob is beautiful, still slightly shy, but an artistic prodigy. I’ve never seen anyone create with such passion, innocence, and depth. With every stroke of his paintbrush, he manages to convey exactly what the recipient of his art needs to hear. When he isn’t painting, he loves eating Echo’s cooking masterpieces and playing dress-ups. He recently discovered that he loves the taste of cheese. Bob is the spirit of the family - his gentle nature and deep insights into life are profound. If anyone could make peace happen across the galaxy happen, it’s Bob.I’d say I get carried away talking about them but if you had children like mine, you too would wax poetic.I thank you wholeheartedly for telling me about Luke and Leia. Please do not separate them, I beg you. As a twin myself, I know how important it is to have your other half with you as you grow up. I hate being apart from Echo. After reading their heartbreaking story, I have to stress even more that the angels need to be adopted together.At this present stage, I think it would disrupt the equilibrium established in The Dominocile if I were to adopt more Tauntauns. The kiddos are settled in but I fear that any sudden change could be too much for them. However, I know the perfect man to adopt the darling twins. He might say he has a busy schedule but I think he has the biggest heart and that fatherhood would help him relax and come into his own. I assure you that the candidate in question - none other than Marshal Commander Fox of the Coruscant Guard - is the right man. He of course would have to agree and his lady love because I know they will marry one day but I’ll ensure that he gets a copy of this reply so he is aware (Foxy - please say yes. You don’t sleep so you’d be perfect to bottle feed them and I KNOW you are protective and kind and strong and brave - the exact qualities the perfect buir needs).Eleanor, if you do not hear from Mr Fox within 5 business days, please contact me. The twins should be adopted as soon as possible and given the chance to be loved and thrive.Kind regards,Mr Fives Rexson
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Fives my belovedI will miss your advice showing up sporadically on my dashboard. You have done a truly beautiful thingMuch love,Fan #5
To Fan #5
(I see what you did there and I love you for it),
You have the number one place in my heart. I seek to merely find beauty in the galaxy - in your questions - and reflect it in my words for all to see. I find, however, that the purest form of beauty comes from the people who send in their questions, placing their hopes and fears on display to the galaxy.I will cherish all my readers and those who sent in asks fivesever.
Thank you.
Signing off for the last time this edition with all my love,Fives