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Joseph slumped against the wall, back scraping against the chipped paint of his shared childhood bedroom. He mumbled and hiccuped into his gloved palms as he curled his knees into his chest, wishing he could just disappear into the wall behind him.Clicks from his lighter rang through the room as he desperately tried to get the nicotine into his lungs before the panic fully consumed his mind. He wouldn’t want to see me like this, I’m better than this. That became Joseph’s mental mantra to fight the tightness in his chest.David had died only the week before. David Leatherhoff, Joseph’s little brother, found dead at only 26 years old, only weeks away from his 27th birthday. The news of the death was the first time that their parents had seen Joseph break his hardened, tough persona.Smoke billowed from his mouth and nostrils as he brought the cigarette down from his mouth again and again. Joseph would rather be shot than caught like this by David, he promised to get sober for him but he just couldn’t keep it up in his brother’s absence. “Not like Dave kept up his end..” He tried reasoning his relapse with the empty air using the cause of David’s demise, that being a month long drug bender that resulted in him killing himself in the psychosis that the substances fuelled.Gentle sunlight bled through the damaged curtains, still not replaced after Joseph and David had broken a small piece off while sneaking out of the house. David’s old guitar had a thick layer of dust sitting on it like a heavy blanket, Joseph’s drums were left in the haphazard pile they were put in all those years ago and Anna’s bass looked almost exactly like her brother’s guitar, just perched on a proper guitar stand at the end of her bed.Joseph smiled through his light tears, remembering the good times of the three of them stacking their gear into the back of their father’s dusty pickup truck while singing their favourite punk songs on their way to that night’s gig or small festival.David had such a strong voice, even if he was just a teenager, Anna’s fingers were agile yet calloused from rigorous practice and Joseph’s joint supports carried him through the fast patterns that he wrote. Despite their typical sibling bickering, they made a solid unit and David had always talked about being a famous rockstar someday when he was 14. He got so damn close.The room suddenly felt cold, sending a sharp jolt down his spine as he was only in a tank top since he thought he could brave the cold. He soon felt what he assumed to be fingers tracing down his spine as he hunched forward, resting his right hand on his same side knee. Taking yet another drag off his cigarette, Joseph sighed, “Go away, dad, I just want to be alone.”He looked up from the window, still misty eyed, expecting the stoic expression of his father but was met with David’s. His expression was soft, concern knitted into his eyebrows and eyes. “David?” The apparition paused, seemingly unsure, “..Yeah?”It sounded exactly like him, albeit with a more noticeable rasp and almost echoey quality to the voice. The concern in its eyes gave Joseph the stinging nostalgia of when he and David would sneak up to their home’s roof to smoke and have heart to heart talks under the stars. “Want to go to the roof? Like we used to?”It wouldn’t hurt to pretend, even for just 15 minutes.His dog tags jingled harshly as Joseph snaked his way out of the bedroom window to hop up to the spot on the roof where some of the slate had fallen off into the snow below. David’s apparition followed close by, exactly how the actual man trailed behind his older brother the first time they went up to their little spot.The two of them sat together, Joseph smoking his second cigarette of the night. David peered at the older’s lighter, watching as rough hands struck the flint a few times to get a small flame. Joseph looked back, holding the cheap plastic case up to the ghost, “Want a smoke?”David’s spirit chuckled, dry and harsh like when the junkie was alive, “Nah, I don’t think I have the lungs or lips to smoke, and plus, God made me quit.” Joseph snorted out his nose, quietly choking on the cigarette. Suppressing his cough into the crook of his elbow, Joseph collected himself while still chuckling lowly, “Big man sure did, killed you stone dead so you couldn’t touch another pill, pipe or cancer stick again.”They laughed over their shared loss of faith, having grown up with a very religious man in the house and icons scattered around just as sporadic as their father’s behaviour. Joseph’s smoke filled the space they shared, the smell seemingly to not affect David at all, as they shared stories they had from the time they were apart.David told tales of the biker group he was involved in, their grand escapades and escapes from the police and Joseph spoke about his dead end retail job and throwing up spray paint tags in forgotten parts of the city, the cans clattering in his duffle bag as they ran from patrols.Soon, Joseph’s cigarette burnt dangerously close to his lips so he chose to snuff it out on the slate, leaving the butt to roll off and land onto the pile of damaged tiles. He hurried back inside of the bedroom, starting to sense the cold biting into his skin and numbing his extremities to the point of tingling.Joseph found his spot on the floor across from the window again, sitting back down to rest his aching legs. The spirit hovered for a moment, considering something behind the faint greenish colour of its ‘skin’. It spoke, making Joseph jump out of his skin slightly, “Do you think I’m not actually David?”The older paused, fetching yet another cigarette from the box to scratch the itch building in his throat. He pondered David’s question while lighting up before asking back, “What do only you know?” David perked up at Joseph’s ask, lightly tugging at his bottom lip and trying to avoid snagging his lip rings. Just like he did.The ghost knelt down to Joseph’s level as he looked away, not wanting to face what David had to say. “I know one major thing,” David started, scratching at his thick stubble with chipped nails before holding onto Joseph’s arm, “Let go, Joseph. Don’t hold on so tight, especially when it’s someone you will never get back.” With that, David’s translucent form vanished, leaving Joseph with nothing but a cold, tingling feeling on his arm and streams of tears down his cheeks.Joseph just cracked, even more hot tears finding their way down his face as he hiccuped and sobbed harder than he ever thought he could ever cry. The guilt and grief ate him alive in that dusty room, he tried to keep some air in his lungs but he could only take in sharp breaths as he wheezed out apologies to someone who will never hear them again, no matter how hard he tried.David’s words echoed through his skull, Don’t hold on so tight, Joseph didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want to accept that David had just vanished just like his sobriety. Especially when it’s someone you will never get back.