Work Text
"I could make that," Phil says, nodding to the laptop screen in front of them where the Bake Off finale is paused."What?" Dan asks. "Scones?""Yeah, it can't be that hard.""Kathryn Lester's genes would beg to differ.""Are you besmirching my mum?""I'm being honest about your mum," Dan says. "Those scones she made last year were fucking awful.""She was being adventurous!""She should be banned from pinterest," Dan says. He moves the laptop a little where it's getting overheated against his thigh. Phil takes it more onto his lap. They probably could just figure out how to get it on the hotel tv screen, if they tried, but neither of them feel like trying.Phil continues to defend her, like any good son would. "She's a good baker.""She's a passable baker, at best," Dan says. "Which is why it's a favor to all of us that she still buys biscuits from the store and puts them in her own tin so we can all pretend she actually made them.""I'm telling her you said so," Phil says, sulking."Fine," Dan says. "Tell her. It's just the truth."“But it would hurt her feelings!”"Sometimes the truth hurts,” Dan says, only confident because he knows Phil won’t actually be telling her."Fine, well," Phil says, then pauses for dramatic effect. "You smell. How's that for truth?"Dan lifts one arm and sniffs. Bit stale, but nothing too offensive. "Bzzzt. Try again."Phil does. "Your penis is small.""You can't cockshame me," Dan says. "Not when you literally beg for it.""Lit-truh-lee.""2015 called," Dan says. "They want their insult back.""2009 called," Phil shoots back. "They want their...""Mm. Can't finish that one, can you?" Dan asks. He drapes one leg over Phil's thigh and lets the competition on screen distract him again. They've been waiting over a week to watch this, and he's not sure how he's remained unspoiled."I do fancy a scone though," Phil says."Curry and coconut?""Only if Dylan feeds them to me.""Slut.""Yeah," Phil agrees. "But maybe something more classic, actually.""Sugar and extra sugar?""Now we're talking.""Disgusting.""Discogtang," Phil repeats, in a bad Scottish accent. "What would yours be? If you could have any scone right now?""The Phil shuts up so we can watch this television show scone," Dan says."That doesn't exist. Try again.""The suck my dick scone.""Dick flavored scone..." Phil ponders it. "I dunno. Paul Hollywood might not like it. No handshake.""I bet Prue could get down with it though. She seems like a freak-in-the-sheets type.""I don't want to think about Prue's vagina while I'm hungry," Phil complains."Bub, you're the one that brought her vagina into it, not me. But we can talk about the size of Paul's dick if you'd rather.""No," Phil says. Then, out of nowhere, "Paul's balls.""He's probably got big ones."Phil looks as intrigued as he does repulsed. "Stop. You're putting me off my scones.""The imaginary ones that we don't actually have?""We can get scones," Phil says. "I'm sure Las Vegas has scones.""Sure," Dan says. "What did Dan and Phil do in Vegas? Try to find the most bland British thing possible.""Ooh," Phil says. "What about mince pies?""It's literally like, twenty one degrees in Nevada right now, and you want to find holiday snacks?""Yes," Phil says. "You know how I get when we watch Bake Off. I need my little treats. And it's Christmas now, so Christmas treats. Plus, Bake Off feels like a Christmas show.""It's actually not.""It has the embodiment of Christmas baked - heh - baked into it.""You get negative points for that. I'm not laughing.""You get double negative points for being stupid.""You get triple negative points because you're fucking stupid," Dan says. "Har, har."But Phil is still too distressed to appreciate the pun. "Do you think Australia will have treats?""Australia? Do I think there are treats on the entire continent of Australia? Yes, Phil. I think Australia has treats."Phil shoves him. "I meant Christmas treats.""Seeing as there are people in Australia that celebrate Christmas, I'm sure they do.""But it's so hot there. What if it's like... mulled prawns and minced kangaroo pies?""I'm not sure how, but I think that's racist," Dan says.Phil reaches out and pauses the show. "Dan. This is serious. We might go all Christmas without a mince pie. Do you understand?"Dan groans. "We will literally be home a week before Christmas.""What if they're all sold out then?" Phil gives him a look, eyes big and wide and very blue-green in the hotel lighting. "Dan."Dan tries to hit play again but Phil grabs his arms. The laptop slides off of their laps onto the sofa beside them. "I just wanted to finish watching the fucking show.""Dan!" Phil whines. "This is serious. It's a serious matter.""I hate you," Dan says, but he's already pulling out his phone. What Phil wants, Phil - unfortunately for Dan - always gets.Even minced pies in the middle of night at a hotel in America while they're supposed to finishing the sacred ritual of finishing Bake Off.