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Its been awhile since we crossed paths, I left you collecting dust in the drawer for a few months and I’m sorry. For a while life was good, I felt happy. There was no urge to scribble away my deepest and darkest thoughts, I had someone who could take them away instead. His arms a place I considered to be at peace. But here we are again: putting pen to paper. Because everything fell down the steep slippery slope again and this is how I cope best.
Where do I even begin?
Oh wait I know, the coffee shop. The unexpected run-in that was once a happy memory, now tainted. Little did I know the moment I locked eyes with those chocolate brown orbs I was done for. We had our first date a week later, then 10 months he would go running back. In the midst of all this I am the one that is dealing with the loss. Not just his presence but my routine. Weekends spent curled up in the comfy chairs at the back of that coffee shop, book in hand, a cappuccino and pastry for company. I could spend hours there. But I’ve not been back since, its too difficult. Joel, you have ruined that for me - I hope you are happy.I’ve never felt loved by anyone. Joel made me feel special. Pouring all my energy into this…relationship? situationship? What would you even call it? it was never the topic of conversation. But those three words were spoken, I remember it clear as day. In the back of my mind there was hope: would I spend the rest of my life with this man? Had I finally found the one?Everything seemed so right. But no that was not to be. That random Monday in December, the words engrained into my brain forever:
“We can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry but…I still love her”Her meaning his ex-wife, the one he divorced over 12 months ago.Then it all came pouring out. Those times he backed out on or date nights or phone calls. Told me he was working late to meet deadlines or having client catch-ups. And I stupidly believed him - why you ask? because I understood being the CEO of your own company comes with huge responsibilities. But instead he was meeting her for dinner, drinks and god knows what else. I don’t even want to even comprehend to be perfectly honest. The worst of it? All those broken and empty promises I will never be able to forgive him for. I hope they are happy together.It’s been a week since that day and everything still feels raw. It’s difficult to describe the feeling of heartache. That crushing weight on your chest making itself known on every breath. The heavy feeling in your heart at the memories that once were. Constant swirling pit of anxiety in your stomach, making things such as eating a chore. Not forgetting the racing thoughts. Overthinking every last moment of what happened these past few months - was it me? what did I do wrong? did you ever really love me? I can’t even begin to tell you how many hours of sleep have been lost. How many nights I’ve spent crying into my pillow, wishing the pain to simply go away. I probably deserved this.The thoughts are at their loudest when I am alone, there are only so many distractions one can find - even if just for a short period of time. It all plays over and over in my head like a constant film reel. every kiss, every subtle, loving touch and well…every time we laid together. All of this now gone and only a distant memory, he is no longer mine to call. I am in a constant state of anxiety, waiting…just waiting for my phone to ping at any given moment with a message from him. But it will never happen.I guess now the hard work is to come, attempting to move on from someone you had the deepest of connections with. At the end of the day it wasn’t just on a romantic level it ran so much deeper than that. We shared a common ground for many things: music, books, sports even down to beer! There was no-one else I could sit in the same room with, the two of us doing completely different things, but also feel at peace.I love him…simple as that. but what pains me the most? I don't regret many things but looking back, he could be one of them.
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Dear Diary,Each day is different and I feel like I am on the never ending rollercoaster of emotions at the moment. Some days have their ups but more than often they are downs. It all sounds silly, but more time has passed and everything still feels as raw as the day it all unfolded. The heavy ache in my chest is only ever numbed when distracted or sleeping. See it doesn't just hit at night time or even at the weekends, when I am trying to fill the void. It hits as soon as I wake up. When I’m having a sort of positive day. When with friends. Or work. Or eating dinner. It always hits me. A negative force that sweeps in a renders me completely useless and vulnerable.Everything is a reminder, every place visited. Objects around the house once considered gifts, the commute to work that passes the same coffee shop every single day. All now just painful memories. Will those get easier with time? I don’t know, I guess that’s what we attempt to find out.In my head I am still trying to figure out the how’s and the why’s: How are you not feeling like this?, Why have you been able to move onto the next one as if I don’t exist? I want to reach out and talk, maybe clear the air, but no Joel you have made that difficult. You can’t just feed someone hope, expectation, more importantly love and then completely vanish into thin air - there are unanswered questions. I need closure, let me heal please. I have considered writing a letter, but honestly, he ain’t even worth my time anymore. I’ll save myself the hassle.The closest ‘interaction’ I’ve had was running into his brother Tommy. Its not how I imagined the weekly food shop would go but I can’t lie, he was a gentleman. Even bought me a coffee from the Bakery next door whilst we chatted, all about Joel of course. Said he would give his brother a good ‘shakin’ for the way he has treated another human being. It was nice, I felt like I had someone in my corner for once. I hope Tommy stays true to his word, you need to know what you did Joel.Christmas is around the corner but I do not feel an ounce of joy inside me. The festive spirit this year well and truly dimmed. Gifts have been purchased but lay unwrapped in the bags that frequent the floor of the spare room. It was that feeling; that just maybe this Christmas was going to be an extra bit special compared to others. Many promises of evenings spent venturing round the neighbourhood admiring the pretty lights - hot chocolates in hand. Visits to the local ice rink, markets and even weekends craft fairs. Except in truth he would’ve found a way out; the usual excuses of client meetings, crisis at the office etc. That man wasn’t just fucking his ex-wife, he was married to the job. It’s just painful to think about him doing all those things with someone else and it probably being her. Praying I don't run into them at any point, that would be awkward…yikes.On top of all the negative scribbles recently one thing that has been keeping me afloat are books. It’s a nice distraction to immerse yourself into a different universe, even if I have been staying up til the early hours saying “just one last chapter” - it never is! I might have found a replacement for the coffee shop, I spend my weekends at the local library or the many bookstores in town; always on the hunt for something new. Which reminds me new shelves are needed soon, the purchases are starting to pile up. A few flyers have been going up around the city advertising a book club, something I might consider. Might be good to get out and meet new people and who knows what can happen. Probably a better experience than being back on those dating apps, I can honestly say I lasted a week. Consider me off the scene for awhile.Attempting to consistently write in here has been difficult, you can probably see that from the half scribbled entries or even just bullet points on the days I really had to force myself to do this. As good as it is for getting things out of my head, some days I am just numb and want to crawl into bed. I won't neglect you again though diary, I promise. There’s a new year ahead and I am determined to get back to the old me.
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Dear Diary…This is not the end for us, I shall continue to write in here, but going forwards consider it to be more positive sentiment instead of the heartbreak or despair of the last lot of entries. See this is it now - I’m done. I have reached the positive point of my journey. It will never be the end and whilst I can’t say I am fully healed, nor will I ever be, I have learnt a lot. More importantly the power of acceptance.Its only a short while ago that I came to accept being the ‘almost person’. Sadly that is all I will ever be to him. I spent days, months even weeks pondering ‘what if?’. But in reality it was never me. I guess this is the sad part with almost; it promises to be so much more, can even look like it, but in the end you are left in a pile of heartbreak. It ignites this flame of hope inside you, a flame that. at first, refuses to be put out - even when the truth is staring you right in the face. Almost is an absolute mind-fuck and now I can confidently say I deserve so much better than that.It’s hard to pinpoint exactly but one day I woke up and felt like some weight had been shifted, like a switch had gone off in my head. Now it didn’t erase the pain but it felt…muted, muted enough that I was able to continue on with my day. I was able to throw myself back into work and not feel like a zombie struggling to get through each day. Don’t get me wrong I am still running around with bags under my eyes, permanently looking like a raccoon but we are working on that. Maybe I need to lie in more - that is classed as self-care right?I was catching up with some old friends over lunch and after unloading literally everything; some things were said that hit home for me pretty hard:“Acceptance is about integrating loss and making it a part of the experience, you can learn some very valuable lessons from this””Life will get easier, but you have to stay true to yourself and understand your own needs”And I can’t lie these statements hold so much weight and as for my friends well, I should probably convince them to change occupations to therapists hahah!So that’s what I have been doing practising self-care and ALOT of it. I’ve been able to get enjoyment out of the things I once loved doing before Joel was even in the picture - hiking, exercising, even learning new hobbies like knitting & crochet. I am such an old person at heart it’s quite amusing. I am still yet to venture into the coffee shop but honestly so many new ones have popped up now that it won’t be difficult to find a new stomping ground. And well the library; that still remains my safe space and probably always will be, I feel at home when surrounded by my silly little books.As for the dating game, I bet you were expecting me to be writing about someone new diary? Nope not a chance - for a long long time anyway. I am staying out of that goose chase for as long as possible, I might actually be sworn off it for many many years. That’s how much damage he did. But for now I am enjoying my own company, and well maybe the odd fictional character or two, I am doing this at my own pace. Just happy in my lane with a book and some loose leaf tea (banana bread flavour, yum).They say “time heals all wounds” and to be honest that statement holds a lot of truth. I’ve had my time; spent far to many days nights crying till the tears run dry. Yearning constantly for his presence or even just to speak with him one last time. But I’ve accepted my losses now - it’s onto bigger and better things. I hope one day he realises that he almost had the best thing that will ever happen to him.