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A blinding flash of light.Then came darkness.A deep kind of darkness, infinite yet without a structure.Something, someone was enveloped inside it.Someone... she... ...Me?Did that concept exist...?Yes, it was almost certain.I was certain.But...Where...? Why...?W-... was I dead?... That thought shook me to my core."shook".Wasn't that something a body could do too? "shake"?Did I have a body?I think... uhm....I think I did?My first real indication was the pain. I had pain where my soul was. Where... where...Where my head was.I didn't think I was dead.No, I wasn't.Why did that make me feel somehow worse?Whatever.I must have been, what, sleeping? Unconscious?I had eyes. I could feel them. I could move them.They were closed. That's what it was.I tried to open them, and with some effort I did.My other senses flooded into me too. I was lying on my side on something, something cold and hard.As I blinked away the blur in my eyes, I started to process all that I was seeing.I was somewhere dark, with some light. A room, with a window. It was small and high up, only letting a small beam of light through.The walls...The walls were made from concrete.I was in a basement...?That wasn't right.I should have been in my home. In Billings, in that apartment near a rotary. That was my home and it didn't look like this. It didn't have a basement.I started to move, starting with my fingers, my hands... I managed to sit up but it took a disconcerting amount of energy. My head was spinning, but I needed to figure out wherever the fuck I was.I tried to stand up- oh, my right arm was being pulled down by something. I looked to see what it was, and horror crept along my skin before it made its way inside me to my soul.My wrist was handcuffed to a dated metal pipe that ran along the wall close to the floor. It snaked out from the wall near one end, and back in at the other.I struggled to stay on my knees as I realized I was being held here against my will.
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It wasn't long before I had collapsed back onto the floor, this time on my back. The panic was welling up inside me.I...Fuck.I needed it to stop. Panicking wouldn't get me anywhere. Four seconds in through the nose, four seconds out through the mouth. My breath was weak and shaky.Four in through the nose, four out through the mouth.Four in, four out.In, out.Ah.I remembered a strategy I read about somewhere online regarding panic attacks. Five things I saw? Hmm.I tilted my head to the side , and could see a stairway opposite the wall I was cuffed to. One.I could see the window I noticed before, to the left of the stairs. It was right near the ceiling, a foot wide and maybe four inches tall. The light coming through the textured glass was a uniform white, indicating it was daytime and overcast. Two.I could see my clothes on me; I was wearing a gray hoodie and skinny jeans with holes at the knees. Three.I could see...huh. I could see a beige mattress on the floor. Wait.Fuck. Maybe this wasn't their first time either. My kidnapper might have had more experience in this than I hoped they would.Couldn't think about that right now. In, out. There.In fact... I thought...Yeah. It was close enough to reach. I shimmied backwards along the floor until I could drag it to me using one of my feet, and so I did.Once It was within arm's reach, I used my free hand to push it against the wall, right next to the pipe.Despite my situation, I couldn't help but feel proud at that accomplishment. I laid down on the mattress and let out a sigh. Could not care less what fluids may have stained it, any comfort in this situation -no matter how small- would help me pull through mentally. I could ponder about the ethics of using a mattress someone might have died on once I could see the sun again.If I ever saw the sun again. It had been what felt like a few hours, and I was passing the time by humming songs by one of my favorite artists.I thought to myself, what the heck, no one's here to hear my awful singing, so I started singing the verses out loud."Stop... me if... you've heard this one before..." My voice was weak and crackly, probably due to dehydration, but I kept going anyway."Girls... like us.. are rotten to the core..."I let out a little chuckle.I had first heard that song about five years ago, only a few days after my 16th birthday. Much better birthday present than anything my parents had gotten me for my sweet 16. I had almost instantly realized what the song was about and I loved it.I somehow only then realized how fucked up it was that I was calm in this situation, much calmer than any girl, no, any real g-...Ugh. Could my thoughts refrain from the self-deprecation for just a goddamn moment?There.Anyway, it made sense that, well, girls like us... hah... would need to be prepared for any possibility. Including this one. Happened more often that people were comfortable admitting, and when it did, most people would probably assume the victim had just gone off and offed herself.Seriously, how was I that calm thinking about that? This might be the last room I was ever going to be in, and I was fuckin' smiling?I glanced over at the window, and the light was turning yellow-orange. Evening.That was concerning. Wasn't my captor eventually going to-
thwoom
Of fucking course. I just HAD to think about it, didn't I?
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My heartrate must've spiked in that moment. I mean, how could I help that?After I processed the sound further it sounded like a door closing on the floor above me.I hadn't realized how used I had grown to the silence (besides my own pitiful attempts to pass the time) until it was shattered.I jolted up -almost a reflex at that point- and listened for anything else. I heard some undiscernible movement, followed by footsteps. They...They were getting closer. The footsteps were getting closer. Okay. I could handle this. I knew I could. This wasn't just me trying to convince myself. I got this.The footsteps, which I was focused on with unwavering attention, seemed to approach the door to the basement, before hesitating for what felt like forever but was probably only a few seconds.The door sounded like it was being unlocked, before it opened. Given the stairs on the wall opposite me were oriented diagonally, the first thing I saw was shoes, then legs.Black hiking boots. Brown cargo pants. A green button up, with short sleeves exposing clean-shaven arms with muscle on them, not much but certainly more than what I had.As the boots neared the last of the stairs and my captor turned to face me, I could see his face. He was young, younger than I was expecting (thank god). Couldn't have been more than a decade older than me, which put him in either his late 20s or early 30s.The look upon his face was a mix of curiosity and apprehension as he slowly approached me, likely noticing the mattress I had moved for my convenience.I attempted to hide my own emotions, which almost certainly didn't work as I could feel my back pressed up against the wall.He crouched down just in front of the mattress that I had made my home a few hours earlier.He examined me with his eyes. Shit. I didn't want to think about what w-"That's odd."What? He had made that statement in a genuinely inquisitive tone. I wasn't expecting this."wh...what?" My voice was faint, but had enough hints of masculinity that it should have set him off. or something. It didn't.He seemed to think about how to respond for a few moments."Last time I had someone down here, it... hmm.. it took her a week to get as composed around me as you are right now."Oh.Casting the multiple implications that weighed down that remark aside, he seemed to be in the mood for a two-sided conversation."...where am I? how far away from Billings?"His face contorted slightly into one of confusion. "Billings? You mean the place in Montana?"A look of realization crawled along his face. "Oh. I think I must've busted your head a little too hard.""You're in Idaho. Northern Idaho, right near the top."How...? Wh...?"What was the last thing you remember?"I struggled with this question more than I should have. "i was... um... i was in my apartment, and... i was packing up... to go somewhere? something had happened and... shit... i think it was the ninth, right after new year...?"He paused, presumably to make sure I didn't have anything more to say (seriously, i didn't understand him at all), before responding."It's the sixteenth. Still January of course, but I didn't really take you anywhere if that's what you're thinking. We met last night at the ledgewood parking lot, only a couple minutes' drive from here."Why would I...?I didn't realize I had said that out loud until he responded."...Be up here? I don't know for sure, but if I had to guess based off the combination of medications I found in your bag and where we are, I'd say you were tryna sneak across the border into Canada, getting away from everything goin' on in the country right now."How could I forget? Fuck. That's why I had to leave. If I stayed I almost certainly would have died. There had been another mob outside Congress. In the end, the 22nd amendment was nothing more than a suggestion and the only woman in Congress like me had been lynched, along with others. There had been warning signs, but I had waited to leave until I knew Billings -and America- couldn't be my home anymore. I had never left it until then, but... I still couldn't remember anything else afterwards.Tears started welling up in my eyes. Fuck trying to hide it."how...close...
...how close am I to the border?”"Twenty five miles, give or take."I must've looked like a mess. I wrapped my arms around my legs, curling myself into a ball, and planted my face on my knees, hiding it from him. I started to sob. It wasn't just that he was keeping me here, but just how tantalizingly close I was. Twenty five miles north, and my existence would be legal. Twenty five miles north, and I didn't have to worry about whether I'd be safer trying to hide my femininity in public or to just stay inside and order essentials online."Shh... here..." The fucker was getting closer to me, almost as if he was... No.My head sprang up from behind my legs and I glared at him right in the eyes through my tears. "Don't. Fucking. Touch me."I kept my intense gaze right on him as he stopped. I didn't understand what he wanted, why he had me here, why any of this was happening to me.My voice was shaky but clear enough. "Just... make it quick. Please."
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"Make what quick?"That smug-ass son of a- "Whatever the fuck you're going to do to me? Which is what, exactly? Rape me? Kill me? Both, in that order? Or how about the other way around if you're feeling extra fucked in the h-"He lunged forward, pinning my neck against the wall with one gripped hand and using the other to punch me straight in the gut, knocking the wind right out of me along with any fight I would've had. Smart guy.Looming over me, it was as if a switch was flipped. No more mister nice guy. I caught the familiar look of someone who looked at me and didn't see me as a person, just an annoyance. An object. Flesh.I chuckled, which through his grip was a little painful, and locked eyes with him. "and... nngh... off comes the mask..." I said through a smile.Ignoring me, he leaned right up to my ear and talked in that quiet way that was supposed to be intimidating but I hardly found it as such. Good on him for trying, though."You will not talk to me like that. Do you understand?" He leaned back and stared at me sternly.I shrugged it off, and made a quick remark that certainly didn't satisfy his adorable little need for control. "Sure. Whatever you say."His voice now in a miffed and somehow righteous tone at the same time, he continued."I honestly haven't decided what I'll do with you. I was thinking it'd be fun to keep you, but the more I thought about it I realized I might have made a worthwhile investment. In you, I mean. You're something I could have already given away for quite the pretty penny..."He paused, relishing the moment."...But now, I mean, very soon you're going to be a collector's item. Limited edition. Meaning powerful people will pay even more money to own you."What was that, some sort of brazen attempt to make me afrai-...Wait. 'Limited edition'? What the fuck did that mean? There would always be more of us, unless...Unless there wouldn't.Oh. Oh shit. I... I couldn't think about that. Not here. Not in front of him. It was probably a lie anyway. It had to be.He must have seen the subtle expressions I was trying not to make, because I saw a little smirk starting to form. He clearly enjoyed seeing it on my face."There we go. I knew you'd put the pieces together." he remarked in a patronizing manner."Within the next few months, all your womanoid pals will be decomposing in unmarked graves..."I was trembling. From fear, probably much more from unadulterated rage, but it didn't matter."...Forgotten."Everything was white hot.My foot sprang forwards, upwards, and hit him right between his legs. Hard. Hah.He stumbled to his knees with his hands on the floor, groaning a little from all the pain he fuckin' deserved. I reveled in that moment, muttering my honest (and totally polite) thoughts on him. "Inbred swastika licker."It didn't take long for him to recover, and when he did he got up and reached into one of his pockets."You know, I was going to start out nice with you, but that's clearly not what you want..."He pulled out a folding survival knife and flipped it out, revealing it was made of damascus steel, clearly admiring it. Posh prick."...So I guess we'll just get straight to the fun part."
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"...estimates suggesting an unprecedented 170 million dollars have already been spent on advertising for the 2028 campaign..."I tried to drown out whatever news was playing in the background on the TVs. It was summer, after all. I was supposed to be enjoying myself, and I was beyond exhausted from all the semi-threatening headlines. Alarmist or not, I needed a break. Needed to hang out with friends and just forget the multitude of ways the world was going to shit."Hey, this spot taken?"I looked over at Ria, a smug lil asshat I'd known as my friend for the past 2 years. She had a familiar smile plastered on her face, one I couldn't imagine life without."Only if drinks are on you," I retorted in the same manner of wit.She laughed before settling down on the seat next to mine. We had met at around 2 P.M. on a Monday, which is the time we had figured out had the least foot traffic in the bar. We weren't looking for trouble, not because we didn't want it, but because we couldn't exactly afford it. Thankfully the place had electronic ordering machines, so we could order, get settled in a booth, and get our drinks (flashing a smile at the waitstaff) without me having to speak to anyone else, and so we did. I was almost a year into voice training, but hardly confident enough to try talking in public without expecting to get a few nasty looks at the very least."Whatcha thinkin' about, Kate?" Ria asked, reading my face."Nothing important really, just..."I fidgeted with the cocktail umbrella from my drink. "...Just a little stressed, is all."She gave me a knowing and somewhat more serious look. "Ah, I get ya."Raising her glass and nodding at me to do the same, she exclaimed, "To getting through the past 4 years, and, hopefully, the next four too. Together."I gave her a little smile as I raised my arm a little and clinked my drink against hers. "Together." Several hours, drinks, and laughs later, it was time for us to leave. The evening crowd had begun to show up and Ria was absolutely far too drunk for her own good."Hey, Ria, I think it's time we get outta here, alright?" She groaned a little, before responding."But...but like... you, you know?"I smiled warmly at the vague complement, before getting out of my side of the booth and helping her up, despite her protests, and made it back to my car. She had walked here and I had driven, but she was absolutely not walking back in that state, especially on her own.I helped her to the front passenger side, where she seemed to almost sink into the cushions of the seat.I got into the driver's seat and started to wait. I wasn't nearly as wasted as she was, but I was still a little buzzed and had precious cargo.Glancing over at her, I couldn't tell if she was just resting her eyes or sleeping. I didn't let her realize this, but I kind of envied her. She had realized she was trans when she was around nine, and was on blockers alone from then on until she was legally permitted to get hormones. Doing the math, I had figured out she had been on E for the past four and a half years, and she had changed dramatically. She had shown me pictures of her from before, and I was stunned at how different she was. She had transitioned amazingly. Incredibly.
Beautifully.
With her stunning dark brown hair in a wolf cut, perfectly proportioned face, black 'Massive Attack' tee, and the way she looked so peaceful was just... picturesque. The way her lips were slightly parted. The way the neck of her tee was big enough so that I could see her collarbo-What the fuck. What the fuck. What the actual fuck. I shouldn't be thinking any of that. Sure, I was a little drunk, but not nearly as much as her. She wouldn't... know... if I...Goddamn it.I stepped out of the car for a breather, leaning back against the frame. I certainly wasn't leaving her there, but......but I had realized that I was hard. What kind of friend was I that my reaction to her at her most vulnerable would be that?
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The glint of his knife changed something in me. The way he held it suggested he was glad to finally use it, opening up some kind of hunger from deep within. From years past.Some part of me regretted acting as snarkily as I had, but he had it coming. It didn't matter if it took me bleeding out in a stranger's basement for him to hear what I had told him. Maybe I should have acted in favor of the preservation of my wellbeing, but I needed to get that out of my system. It had been building up in me for months, no, years. I was tired of acting as though I should apologize for my existence. I didn't want to erode more into a shadow. I was done.He shuffled close to me, knelt down, and held the knife a hair away from my neck, his other hand pinning my free arm against the wall at the wrist."Take your clothes off, or I'll cut them off."As much as I would've loved to pull off another act of defiance, it was cold down here. Given it was winter in northern Idaho, it was probably much colder outside. I wouldn't be able to sleep in shreds."Okay, okay..." There was a small amount of fear in my voice, most of it being feigned but some of it genuine.He let me go, backing off a few feet. I started taking my hoodie off, getting my head and one of my arms out, before realizing I couldn't get it all the way off with my wrist still handcuffed to the pipe. I looked at him, my hoodie bunched up at the end of my right arm, and tugged at my cuff two times in quick succession to get it through his probably pitifully small brain what the problem was. "Uhm... I can't exactly...""Clever gir-..." He stopped himself and frowned a little, looking as if he was reconsidering his words. He pulled out a key, presumably to the handcuffs. "Don't try anything stupid." Leaning in with the key in one hand and the knife in the other (making sure to keep it visible to me), he unlocked the cuff surrounding the pipe.It was strange, I was in that moment actually a little scared. I made sure to keep my movements slow as I pulled my hoodie off my arm and started taking off my shirt. Maybe it was my lack of physical restraint keeping him on high alert. Maybe it was anticipating whatever was about to come next. The moment had this indiscernible, ineffable heaviness to it. A shiver ran down my spine as my back became exposed to the cold, damp basement air, the only thing impeding it at all being my bra strap.Both my tops were in a pile next to me on the mattress, and I reached to undo the button on my jea-"No." I jumped a little.He had reacted almost viscerally to that last action of mine and the grip around his knife seemed to tighten. "Just.. stop there," He clarified.I froze, attempting to process what just happened. Did he... did he seriously go through all the trouble without thinking this far ahead? Jesus. Incompetent, unstable prick. Worst kind.I flinched as he grabbed my arm, but he just closed the other cuff back around the pipe in one swift motion.Letting out a pitifully shaky sigh, I looked at him expectantly, still somewhat tense.There was a strange calm and still nature to his eyes. As he loomed closer, my heart gradually sank to my stomach. I didn't miss the goddamn feeling one bit. With the dull edge of his knife -not the sharp edge- he just barely grazed my chin before slowly working downwards.What exactly was he doing? He made his way slowly down my neck- over my adam's apple, past my collarbone, onto my chest- all while keeping his eyes fixed on the point the blade met my skin.I didn't realize until then that I had a death grip on the pipe on the wall with my cuffed hand.As the blade passed along the skin right above the middle of my bra, I shuddered. This reaction prompted a smile on his face. He continued over the fabric of my bra, down onto my stomach.When the blade reached my belly button, he lifted it off me. For a second I was convinced he was going to plunge it into me right there, but the moment never came. Instead, the knife went back to his side."Good. Once we are done here, you will have a gash in your arm, and the only difference you get to make is who does the cutting."Wh...What kinda black magic psychological fuckery was he tryna...?The whole thing was starting to feel like some kind of fever dream I couldn't wake up from.
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The fresh air calmed my nerves enough. I was still a little shaken, but I was sobering up.I got back in the car, keeping my eyes on the dash.Knowing the route to her house, my body was mostly on autopilot. The silence broken only by the deep hum of the car left too much room for thought.It was utterly disorienting how I felt two completely opposed emotions at the same time, those being disgust and arousal. Of course, the object of my disgust was me and the object of my arousal was her.I tried to keep my mind on the road.I had to keep my mind on the road.I wasn’t going to let myself crash because of something as stupid as this. Not if it meant risking hurting her. It would only make shit worse. I would only make shit worse.Of course I was unintentionally great at that. We arrived at Ria’s apartment complex ten minutes later. She had rented out a floorplan somewhat nicer than mine given she scored a decent remote job in gamedev; lucky gal had managed to figure out which companies hadn’t met their required proportional human work quota and, well, one blackmailing later and she was in. Wasn’t exactly legal but we did what we needed to survive. Jobs that weren’t fast food or manual/skilled labor were dwindling. It was nice, I guess, to hop in an uber and not have to sit in awkward silence with the driver, because there was no driver. Three quarters of the time anyway.In any case, I had chosen to drive her myself because I didn’t exactly have the money to afford much more.Damnit, she shouldn’t have to choose between a cold, unfeeling AI driving her or a friend that felt… …that felt too much.I found a spot in the parking lot sandwiched between two long apartment complexes that I knew was relatively close to her unit. I pulled in and turned the car off, letting out a deep sigh. Now I just needed to get her in with- ugh. With a key I didn't have. She was still very passed out. I begrudgingly figured I had to rifle through her shit, as wrong and invasive as it felt.After some time I found her room key, being in one of the ridiculously many side pockets her purse had.She stirred a little, shifting her position in the seat. By this point, I couldn't keep my eyes nor mind off her.My mind raced along multiple conflicting trains of thought. She's so hot like this. Like THIS? What the fuck? Who gets turned on by their knocked out friend's… beautiful hair… nice eyelashes… soft neck… NO! Fucking… aughhh…In this flurry of emotions it took me a second to realize I had inched closer, as much as I could with the tiny amount of space in the car. If I leaned forward five more inches, our lips may as well have been touching. My hand, almost without any thought, slowly crept up to where it hovered right over her cheek. I could feel the warmth emanating from her skin and it was too much. I gently cupped her face with my hand. My eyes shut as I felt her intoxicatingly soft skin.My nose was right in front of hers at this point and I could feel her breath on my lips. I… couldn't…But I did.I planted my lips on hers, my tongue gently grazing against her top lip. A rush built up inside me like nothing else I had known before that moment. I was far past the point of no return.Before I knew it, I had crawled over to her side and was straddling her in her seat, my hands planted on the back of her head to pull her in for more.Just like that, there was no more Billings. No more fear, no more government trying to define us out of existence, no more planning my own end if things went horribly wrong.There was no more outside world.There was just her, and she was beautiful.One of my hands moved from behind her head to her waist and pulled her shirt up, there being enough on her chest to keep it up.I let out a small gasp as my hand slid under her bra. I needed to pull it up so I could see. And I did.God, she was perfect, they were perfect. Both my hands needed to be on her tits, so my other hand came down too.My tongue snaked into her mouth. I needed to feel her everywhere. I couldn't stop.My lips lifted off hers, leaving them glistening and slightly parted, and moved down to her chest. I moved one of my hands out of the way onto her thigh and felt her nipple with my tongue. It was as if she was a drug, and I was craving a bigger and bigger hit. With my free hand, I reached over to the side of the seat, found the lever, and carefully let the seat recline back until it was nearly horizontal.I grinded against her and arched my back.As both of my hands groped her, she let out a faint moan. I leaned forward and sealed my lips with hers. She started to stir, moving her hips a little. Or maybe it was just my imagination, I couldn't be sure.My lips danced against hers to the same rhythm that I was grinding into her.I opened my eyes to see her beautiful eyelashes, but when I did, hers were open.Oh shit.
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"oh..."My voice came out weak and somewhat defeated-sounding. My captor had given me an impossible decision. He... I didn't even know his name."um-... how about I decide after I learn your name, hmm?"He gave me a blank stare."I- I'll start, my name's Kate""I know. I saw it on your ID."Of course. I should've known. What the hell was I even trying to do?"And I'll tell you my name when I damn well please," He asserted."o-okay, that- that's fair..."I had to think. Would I rather have a cut at his hands or my own? I could control how slow and how deep it is if I did it, and I liked the idea of having even a fragile illusion of control at that moment."I'll cut" I blurted out, before he had a chance to say anything else."My arm, I mean. I'll cut it."He gave me a shallow smile. "Good. I was dreading I'd have to try harder to get an answer out of you like I did my last guest."'Try harder'? 'Guest'? Either this man knew his way around euphemisms, or he was completely delusional. I didn't know which possibility I preferred.After stepping back two paces, he placed his fancy switchblade on the floor and slid it over to me, with it hitting the mattress before bouncing back a little bit."I'm going to stay here to make sure you don't try cutting off your cuffs." And probably to get a good look so he could get off to the memory later, if I had to guess.I picked up the blade, processing the wavy striped pattern characteristic of damascus steel, sliding my fingertip carefully and gently across the sharp side of the blade. After taking a deep breath, I shifted to face my cuffed arm, turning it so my wrist was facing upward. The knife touched the base of my forearm, the area directly opposite my elbow. I closed my eyes, and pushed it deeper and up my arm. I felt it puncture my skin and the piercing sting that followed. The heat which started at my arm worked its way deeper inside me, becoming something else. A holeinmyso u l. Kate's lungs heaved, probably a sob. The knife was inches from her wrist and it continued up.The world almost spun before righting itself again.When it did, Kate's face was wet and the knife was at her wrist. She began to dig it in deeper right below her hand.The man watching her stood up, walking forward until he knelt down with his knees touching the mattress.He made some sounds with his mouth forming words, but no one was listening. He grabbed the knife from Kate before slapping her across the face. The man grabbed her chin making her face him, yelling. The man did not realize no one was home. He used the knife, cutting off her bra.Kate never was able to remember what happened next, no matter how many times she would try. She would only understand later that she was not there. I... woke up? I think? There was a blur in my memory, ending not long after I had started the cut.I was lying on the mattress, wearing... oh.I had a shirt on, but no bra. I scanned the room and found it lying in pieces near my mattress.Checking my arm, I found a red blur of skin and scab near my wrist along the cut I had made along my forearm.I felt something welling up inside me, and heaved it out over the edge of my mattress, making sure none spilled onto it. I wiped my mouth of the remaining vomit, and collapsed onto my back.As I squinted from a singular lightbulb that illuminated the room, I realized it was night after glancing at the window. There was a headache creeping over me, along with exhaustion. I closed my eyes, sinking into my bed. This was only my first day.
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Blinking the blur out of my eyes, I found myself in the room I had hoped only existed in a nightmare, but nope.It was real.It was all real.Too real.I pushed myself up and leaned against the wall, early morning sunlight coming through the window illuminating motes of dust a few feet from me.I took a moment to assess my state.My bra lied in what seemed to be two or three pieces near the right side of my mattress, along with my hoodie. On the left side, there was- wait. There was nothing but a faint hint of vomit in the air near that spot, but it had been cleaned up. Strange.I looked down at my shirt and spotted bloodstains near the part covering my stomach. I reached down to touch it, and felt a little sting.Lifting it up, I could spot several precise cuts made into my stomach, possibly continuing up my chest. I decided to lift my shirt higher before deciding on taking it off, setting it next to me on my mattress. There were slices made into my skin higher up, with some even going right through the middle of my chest. Given how far up it went, I couldn't exactly discern what pattern it made if any. I tried feeling it, tracing it with my finger. There seemed to be... hmm.. a point where four cuts met, with one.. two... three... all four branching off in a cross or plus-like shape before each seemed to meet up with cuts exactly perpendicular to them, forming right angles.Wait. That can't... no. That can't be right, because then it would...No. I picked up my shirt to look at it, knowing that the pattern likely bled through, and-No. NO. Jesus fuck no. This wasn't happening.It couldn't be happening.He had cut it right into my skin, that heartless fucking bastard.My breathing sped up, and I couldn't focus easily. I begrudgingly put the shirt back on, hardly being able to think about anything else besides what was stained into it.With my own goddamn blood.I felt my throat tightening, my breath shaking, and then tears welling up in my eyes.I didn't hold back. Why bother.Letting out an actual sob I had been keeping in, I closed my eyes and could feel my face contorting into something that probably looked really fucking ugly.Only cis girls cry pretty.Unlike the plentiful other times I previously had thoughts like that, I didn't force it out of me. It lingered, like a bad taste in the mouth. It felt right. Not just to think, to believe in. Why was this happening to me?
Because it's what you de s e r v E
It became a little hard to breathe with my nose getting more runny. I was crying violently at this point, if that word could be used to describe someone's crying.I needed to let my blood out. I needed it. I needed it. I fucking needed it. That little Y chromosome had left a stain on my soul, in my blood, that I needed to get out. To get off of me.With my nails, I tore into the scar that had been left on my cuffed wrist from last night. I kept sliding my nails over it. Over and over and over.I loved the hue of red that made itself known on my arm. It was so vibrant, so calming.Moving one of my fingers over it, I got a little blood on the tip of my index and I put it in my mouth, wrapping my lips around it.My tongue grazed the tip, the taste giving me goosebumps. The hint of iron, how runny it was, it was perfect.I moved it back a little before pressing it forward against my tongue again, closing my eyes. 'You use your mouth so well, little one' It had been over decade since I had heard that voice but I could still remember it clear as day.There was little difference between then and now. It was the calm in the storm, the comfort in the unknown. Even if it was a comfort I had to adapt to like to survive.Back then, tears came out of my mouth even if I wasn't crying. I heard somewhere later that it was a reflex.Likewise, even thought my cheeks were still wet, my nose still running, I wasn't crying. Just a silent flow of whatever hint of a soul I had left.