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It was well past midnight in the mess hall of the Normandy SR-1, and as always, Commander Faith Shepard was probably one of the only people awake who wasn't on shift. She had been pouring over the details on the datapads before her for hours, and her eyes were beginning to blur.Her long brown hair, usually tied back in a bun, was loose and cascaded down her shoulders. On the table beside her sat a large plate of chocolate chip cookies she had acquired from their last visit to the Citadel and a mug of flavoured hot chocolate.Without taking her eyes off the text, she reached for one and began to nibble on it slowly.Behind her, Kaidan had grown restless and unable to sleep, so he figured getting a sweet drink would help. He had seen Shepard in the mess a few times, and secretly, he hoped she was there tonight as they had struck up some conversations.Although she was probably only being polite, he enjoyed talking to her, and it was nice to have another biotic who understood their daily struggle to fit in.Kaidan found her sitting in her usual spot, but her hair was down, and the sight took his breath away. She hadn't looked up, and he just basked in the sight of her as she ate her cookie. Her hair framed her face beautifully, making her look less severe than usual. A small murmur of approval emanated from her mouth as she finished off the cookie and brushed her fingers over the plate to eliminate the excess crumbs.Then her blue eyes landed on him, and Kaidan suddenly felt like he was an intruder.“Lieutenant,” she murmured.“Hey, Commander,” he said, trying not to look embarrassed that she'd caught him staring at her. “Sorry to disturb you.”“Just reading and feeding,” she quipped.At the mention of the baked goods, Kaidan looked down at the plate. She saw his eyes flick down.
“Would you like one?”
Kaidan gave a shy smile, taking a seat across from her. “Don't mind if I do,” he murmured, reaching for a cookie and taking a small bite. He inspected it as he chewed and saw she was watching him.
A slight smirk formed on her lips. “Good?” she asked.He gave a slight nod.“Well, help yourself, Alenko.” Shepard reached for her mug and took a small sip. “I can't eat them all myself.”Kaidan focused on the one cookie for now; they were pretty big, and there was an unusual aftertaste that he couldn't quite place. He craned his neck to indicate the datapad. “Reports?”“Virmire,” she replied, knowing it would be a few hours until they arrived at the planet. “I wanna be prepared when we get there. Don't need no giant telepathic plants or fucking Rachni waiting for us.”The thought of their encounters made him shudder. “Yeah, I could live a happy life, never encountering any of them again.”Shepard gave a soft snort. “You and me both.” Her eyes were still on the text as she reached for another cookie, just as Kaidan did the same, and their hands brushed against each other, sending a tiny spark of electricity.Her eyes widened slightly at the unexpected contact, and she froze, glancing at their hands. Kaidan swallowed hard, his eyes growing a little darker with a desire he struggled to conceal.She slowly withdrew her hand and motioned for him to take a cookie. Kaidan did as silently suggested, and then she took her own.“So, anything I need to know about Virmire?” Kaidan asked, wanting to be as prepared as possible for whatever they could potentially encounter.“It’s meant to be beautiful,” she murmured, setting the datapad down and resting her head on her hand as she regarded him. “But I doubt there will be time for sightseeing.” Evidently, she was restless, and as she fidgeted in her seat, she ran her fingers through her hair.Kaidan’s eyes followed the movement without realising it, and his throat suddenly felt constricted. He couldn’t deny that he had found Shepard attractive, but seeing her like this was something else altogether. A wave of desire surged forward from deep within him, and he had to swallow physically. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he realised that it had gone straight to his groin.
His cheeks flushed, and he tried not to look so ashamed. Fortunately for him, Shepard was far too focused on her cookie. Kaidan watched as she nibbled all the way around, saving the middle for last and then broke off a huge chunk. His eyes lingered on her lips; they were so full, and he imagined what it would be like to taste them.As if sensing his gaze, Shepard felt her cheeks grow warm as she reached for her mug and sipped her hot chocolate to wash down her treat.
“So, what about you?” she asked, setting it down and folding her arms on the table before her.Kaidan blinked, and his train of thought was severely derailed. "What about me?"She tilted her head, her eyes narrowing with mild curiosity. "Why can’t you sleep?" she asked, her tone casual, though there was an undercurrent of genuine concern. It was the sign of a good commanding officer and a role she was still learning.
The question caught him off guard. How could he even begin to explain? How could he tell her that the reason he was awake was her? That every moment spent with her felt like it was worth more than any dream or rest?“I guess... I’ve just got a lot on my mind,” he said finally.“Like Virmire?” Shepard murmured, as she knew that was a good chunk of why she sat here in the dead of night snacking on sugar.“Maybe a little,” he admitted, grateful for the convenient excuse she had presented him with. “But, sometimes, it’s hard to switch off, you know?”In her gorgeous eyes, he saw a hint of understanding. “I get it. Sometimes my mind feels like two varrens fighting over a fucking bone,” Shepard admitted.Kaidan chuckled, unable to stop himself. “That’s a vivid way to put it,” he said.“Well, I’m nothing if not creative,” Shepard replied with a grin.“I’m figuring that out,” he murmured, his eyes on hers. It wasn’t just the words but how she looked at him. She seemed to be showing him hints of the woman beneath the title of Commander.For a brief second, he thought she might say something more. Her lips parted slightly, her eyes searching his in a way that made his chest tighten. His hand twitched at his side, an instinctive yearning to reach for her, touch her, and somehow close the gap between them.But then she broke the spell. Shepard reached for her mug, finishing her drink in one swift motion as though that moment hadn’t even occurred.Kaidan swallowed his disappointment and realised he wanted to get to know her even more. He desperately wished he could close the short distance between them, take her hand, and maybe even kiss her. However, rules were in place for a reason, and their ranks hung between them like locked doors.
His eyes followed Shepard as she stood up, reaching for the plate of half-eaten cookies and her empty mug.
“Goodnight, Kaidan,” she said softly.
Before he could stop himself, he rose from his chair and walked around the table, daring to get a little closer to the brunette.
For a moment, they were closer than they should have been, and Kaidan felt drawn to her like a moth to a flame. He wanted to reach out and bridge that final gap between them. He could almost taste the possibility, but harsh reality reminded him of the barriers he couldn’t cross.
Shepard froze, her eyes meeting his, and neither of them moved.
His gaze flicked to her lips, then back to her eyes, heat rising in his chest.
“Goodnight,” he finally whispered.Shepard’s gaze softened, and she smiled. Though she didn’t speak, something in her eyes made Kaidan wonder if she felt the same pull and aching desire to close that distance.But instead of moving closer, she slowly turned away, her figure retreating into the sanctuary of the captain’s cabin.For a long moment, Kaidan stayed where he was, his eyes fixed on the spot where she had stood.
With a sudden clarity that took him by surprise, Kaidan realised how much he wanted her, not just as a colleague, not just as a commanding officer, but as a woman and boy, was she one hell of a woman. He wanted to know how her skin felt beneath his fingertips and longed to feel her lips against his.
Kaidan couldn’t help but wonder what sounds she might make as they came together, what it would be like to feel her surrender to him in the quiet, private space where rank and responsibility no longer mattered. Would she be as confident and commanding in the bedroom as she was on the battlefield? Or would she let go, revealing a softer side of herself that few, if any, had ever seen?His heart pounded, and blood rushed downwards as the images flashed through his mind, vivid and intrusive. Kaidan felt like he had crossed a line by thinking of Shepard in such a manner, and he would be embarrassed if she found out he was standing in the middle of the mess hall, forcing himself to conceal his blossoming erection.The thought of Faith Shepard wouldn’t leave him. It lingered in his mind like some whisper he couldn’t ignore. And as much as he tried to calm himself, the reality was clear: sleep definitely wasn’t coming. Not if he remained in such a riled-up state.Sighing, he glanced around before adjusting himself and realising the only thing that would help was a shower.He knew a very cold shower might numb the fire within him, but he also knew it would do nothing to erase the fact that he had fallen for the one person he could never be with. The one person he could never allow himself to have.A lot of the time, the heart didn’t listen to reason. It didn’t care about the lines drawn in the sand, and it didn't give a fuck about duty. All Kaidan's heart knew was that it wanted her.And there wasn't enough cold water in the universe to wash that feeling away.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Although she had played it remarkably cool, once inside her cabin, Shepard had to lean back against the door and let go a hefty sigh.
Closing her eyes, she willed her extremely vivid mind not to go into overdrive. She had been ready to retire to bed at least an hour ago, but she had deliberately stayed out in the mess just hoping for a glimpse of her fellow biotic.
Shepard only prayed that it hadn't been obvious that she was waiting for him or that she had deliberately been stocking up on sweet treats to share with him should the opportunity present itself.
She knew it was wrong and against every single regulation, but there was just something about Kaidan that intrigued her. He was so soft-spoken around her, yet he was a demon on the battlefield. She had thought her biotic abilities were strong, but when he flared, he was beyond magnificent.
His control was far beyond anything she could ever hope to accomplish, and he used moves she had never heard of. Kaidan was powerful, yet she sensed he was holding a lot back.
Little by little, he was starting to unfurl like a flower and was divulging a little more information each time they spoke. Shepard let him do most of the talking as she liked listening to him. He had a lovely voice and was pretty easy on the eyes, too.
Shepard opened her eyes and set her half-empty plate and mug on her desk before walking over to her bed. Flopping down backwards on it, she rubbed her face with her hands and groaned loudly.
What in the fuck was wrong with her?!
She was the commanding officer of Normandy, and he was her subordinate. She wasn't allowed to think about the Lieutenant like that, and she certainly wasn't allowed to romanticize their interactions.
Just because a man was attentive and polite and chose to spend time with you didn't mean he was into you.
Shepard moved her hands from her face and then laced her fingers behind her head to stare at the ceiling in contemplation.
Perhaps she was reading too much into the situation? Sometimes, she could be blind to social interactions, and she could also be incredibly awkward.
Kaidan Alenko aside, she was restless, and part of her being in the mess hall at this late hour wasn't just a ploy. She really did have trouble sleeping; hell, she was beginning to wonder what sleep was.
There was a lot of pressure not to fuck this up. Anderson had said as much when he relinquished command of the Normandy to her. Being an Alliance soldier, she'd always felt like she had to excel at everything, and now she was the first human Spectre; all eyes were on her.
She couldn't entertain the thought of embarking on some sort of fling or relationship with someone under her command Maybe if she weren't so notorious or had someone like Anderson who'd beat her with a stick just for thinking about doing it.
Biting her lip, Shepard shifted and realised that she was flustered.
It was time for a shower, and she needed it colder than fucking Noveria.