Work Text
Yes, Spencer loves math. From the moment he was born, he was a very mathematical creature. Or, at least, that’s what he tells himself. Despite his intellect, he is not quite rational enough to acknowledge that babies aren’t particularly mathematically gifted. Said irrationality is what brought him to the current moment. His hair is disheveled, and the bags under his eyes are notably darker than usual, all because of one extremely bothersome man: Diego Olivo.
Diego has been Spencer’s boyfriend for three years, twenty-seven days, twelve hours, three minutes, and three… no, four seconds. Spencer knows that much. Seemingly the only thing he is capable of is counting. Planning a date does not fall within the range of numbers, meaning that Spencer is greatly struggling. Jade advised him to take it easy, but luckily for his ambitions, Jade cares far more for Spencer’s well-being than he does, so there is no need for him to adhere to her request.Usually, a date with Diego wouldn’t be a big deal. They’ve been living together for years now, traveling around the world so Diego could guide tours wherever his company sent him. Shortly before the last flight, though, Spencer got sick. This is already a rare occurrence in of itself, but even stranger was the fact that the sickness made it incapable for him to stop vomiting basically all the time. It was quite a frustrating experience, but with a lot of exhaustion and quite a bit of manipulation, Spencer managed to convince Diego to fly off without him. Spencer did miss the comfort Diego naturally brought with him, but he would’ve felt nothing but shame if he had been the reason Diego stayed behind. He’s an adult, he shouldn’t need trivial concepts like comfort. Or sleep, apparently.
He almost yawns, but manages to stop himself before he does. He still has a task to finish, after all. Diego will be arriving at nineteen o’clock. Of course, he will need to shower before any sort of date can transpire. And knowing Diego, he will most definitely be a couple of minutes too late. Spencer has taken all this into account. Not only that, but he doesn’t want to bore Diego, so instead of going to a place like the library, Spencer is aiming for a nearby zoo.
He knows that Diego continuously states that he enjoys their library dates, but how pathetic a boyfriend would Spencer have to be to force Diego to engage in an activity he doesn’t enjoy with him?
Spencer has spoken with his therapist, and he now recognizes that his last relationship had the effect it did because of a lack of care for Spencer’s wants, needs or basic consent. Spencer refuses to continue the cycle, so the library is off-limits. This brings him back to the zoo. Of course, he reached that conclusion days ago, but the zoo is not good enough. Diego is practically perfect. He’s endlessly kind, violently attractive, and he cares about Spencer’s feeling to a truly unnecessary degree. He even tries to cheer Spencer up when he’s feeling down.
While he knows that his boyfriending performance is always going to pale in comparison, Spencer would like to provide at least a semi-decent experience tonight, and that means going above and beyond. The zoo is simply not enough, so Spencer has noted down the opening times of every nearby restaurant, created a ranking of how well they fit Diego’s taste
s
, and put a condom on his tongue to ensure the probable spices don’t completely destroy his
own
taste buds.
Still, that just isn’t enough. Diego deserves so much better than a zoo visit and a restaurant meal. That’s why Spencer went shopping. With a gift prepared for before and after the date, Spencer hopes to improve the experience a bit. In addition to that, Spencer bought undergarments that, while completely uncomfortable, are supposedly attractive, even if he is certain they don’t look particularly good on someone like him. Whatever. Spencer doesn’t even care, and he shouldn’t. This date is for Diego, so Spencer should stop selfishly thinking about his own feelings and start being more willing to compromise.Spencer is forcefully removed from his train of thought when he notices the particular sound of Diego unlocking the front door. This is awful, truly horrific, because it is five minutes before Spencer was expecting Diego. He cannot face his boyfriend looking like this, so Spencer panics and runs into the bathroom of the small apartment. The front door unlocks just seconds after Spencer has made his escape.“Honey, I’m home!” Diego calls out before chuckling. Spencer’s heart drops. Diego is obviously excited to see him for whatever reason, and Spencer cannot greet him because he chose to pull two all-nighters to get everything ready for this date.“Spence? Are you there?” Some of Diego’s jovial tone has disappeared, and Spencer begins to regret every single choice he has ever made that could have led to him ruining Diego’s good mood.“Just a second, love, I’m, uh, rather preoccupied!” Spencer calls out to Diego before tossing some water in his face. Diego just chuckles as he nears the bathroom door. There is no lock on the door, but Diego does not enter.“You need a helping hand with that?” he asks instead, and Spencer despises the fact that this tame bit of flirting makes his heart flutter so strongly. How is he meant to provide a satisfactory dating experience if he can’t even respond to Diego’s flirting without having an aneurysm?“Get your mind out of the gutter, Diego, I was just washing my face,” Spencer says instead of any of that. Diego is chuckling when Spencer opens the bathroom door.“Hey, there. You okay? You look tired,” Diego asks, ever considerate. Spencer wants to punch him, and he wants to kiss him. He chooses to do neither.“I’m just fine, Diego. I just had a very busy night. You know how it is.” Spencer shrugs. Diego nods, and the crushing feeling of guilt gathers in Spencer’s chest. It was not technically a lie, but Spencer assumes that Diego now assumes that Spencer was working late because of, well, work, and not because he lost his mind over a date plan that still feels insufficient.“To tell you the truth, I’m a bit tired, too. How about we stay in tonight?” Diego suggests, and for a moment, Spencer considers screaming at him. He knows better, though. He has to make this date perfect for Diego, and Diego has just explicitly stated what he wants. Spencer is aware of his social faults, but not even he is incompetent enough to misinterpret that.“Of course, love. Anything specific you want to do?” Spencer acts all casual. Diego takes a moment to think before shrugging.“Not really. I’d just like to spend some time with you! Haven’t seen you in, what, seven days?”“Six days and eighteen hours, actually,” Spencer says. For some reason, Diego grins. Spencer doesn’t understand it, but it makes his heart figuratively swell.“Guess you missed me, too, huh?” Diego winks at him, and Spencer is left at a loss for words again. He wants to kiss that smug grin off of Diego’s face, but cannot bring himself to actually do it. He’s not sure if Diego would want him to.“Whatever.” Spencer scoffs, and Diego heads into the bathroom, a content smile on his face. Once Diego is gone, Spencer lets out a sigh. He pulls the condom off his tongue, but doesn’t put it in the trash, just in case Diego would like to have penetrative sex tonight. Usually, this prospect would excite him. Sexual intercourse with Diego is generally pleasant, at the very least, and yet Spencer can only feel dread.
Dread isn’t a number. Spencer doesn’t have a formula for dread anymore. He used to have one, back before his ex terminated their relationship, and back before he chose to break off contact with his parents, but all of his previous formulas feel wrong now. He almost regrets letting Diego and Jade talk him into therapy.
He cannot be sure of whether the fault for this even lies with therapy, but it is easier to blame it than actually deal with his issues.
Diego flushes the toilet. Seems as though he has not yet entered the shower. Spencer steels his resolve and walks over to the shopping bag. The gifts he bought for Diego feel so silly now. Spencer thought of his own love of math, and applied that same thought process to Diego. His favorite animals are lions, so both the plush and the calendar are lion-themed. Diego isn’t Spencer, though. He actually has more than one thing he is passionate about.
Spencer puts the two gifts aside and pulls out the lingerie. He notices his mood turn sourer, and feels almost proud of himself for figuring out what it is that set him off like this. Not one to back down from a challenge, Spencer thinks back in an attempt to figure out why such an innocuous little thing had such a strong effect on him.
He thinks back to hooking up with his ex five years ago, two years before he even met Diego. He remembers feeling excited. He is not one to fall for superstitions, and he finds the concept of
virginal purity frankly stupid, but there was just something exciting about experiencing something new with someone he loved. That was stupid of him.
Apparently, being so excited for the act of penetration proved how much of a slut he is. Even the things he wasn’t excited or prepared for were things he secretly wanted, surely, which only drove that point home even further.
Spencer still remembers closing his legs, only for them to be forced open again. He remembers each word whispered, dripping into his ear and burning like the tears in his eyes. He remembers being told that it’s obvious he likes this. He remembers agreeing, because surely, he must like it. What other option was there?Spencer is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t notice Diego until he is leaning on the counter top next to him, only wearing a towel that is tied around his waist. He looks equal parts amused and concerned.“What are you holding there, Spence? You wanna look even prettier than usual for me?” Diego asks. Spencer takes a second too long to answer, and the amusement is wiped off of Diego’s face.“Are you okay? You know I was just kidding, right? I don’t mind if you like wearing this sort of thing,” Diego says, and Spencer hates him for it. He hates Diego for caring, and he hates himself for ruining Diego’s night because he just had to mess his own brain up in an attempt to be a good boyfriend. Even Jade would agree he’s pathetic, surely, she’s just much too nice to him to ever say as much.“Spencer?” Diego asks. His voice is so light, so full of love, and Spencer can’t take it anymore. He clenches his teeth, but the tears start rolling down his cheeks, anyways.“Shit, sorry, this is- this is quite embarrassing,” Spencer says, but no matter how much he wipes at it, his face just seems to stay eternally wet.“What happened, Spence?” Diego lays a hand down on Spencer’s back. The contact is so gentle. It’d be so easy for Spencer to remove himself from it. It just makes him cry harder.“This-This is so… stupid,” Spencer says in between heaving sobs. Diego doesn’t seem to agree, but instead of asking again, he wraps Spencer up in a hug. Spencer doesn’t understand. What did he do to deserve such gentle touch? Eventually, the tears subside. Diego doesn’t ask what’s wrong. He knows Spencer well enough to know that forcing him to be socially proficient right now would be fruitless.Instead, Diego leads them both to the couch, and grabs the remote to the TV. As he is scrolling through available movies, he wraps an arm around Spencer’s shoulders. No one is yelling at Spencer for being difficult, or dramatic, or a disappointment, and he doesn’t know how to deal with any of it.“By the way, I saw your little lion plush. Missed me enough to buy something I love to cuddle with, huh?” Diego asks. Spencer knows that Diego is teasing him, but it doesn’t feel cruel.“It’s yours, actually,” says Spencer. For a moment, there is silence. And then, Diego presses a kiss onto Spencer’s cheek.“You’re the best, babe,” Diego says. He presses play, and rubs Spencer’s shoulder. Nothing is being expected of him. Instead, he is just sitting on his couch, next to his boyfriend. He vaguely recognizes that the movie playing is his favorite, and he can’t take it anymore. He doesn’t understand why Diego is like this. Why his hand only rubs his shoulder, and why the movie he chose was chosen for Spencer.“I love you.” Spencer doesn’t mean to say it, but there is nothing else he can say. There is no way to get everything he’s feeling and thinking across without sounding like a madman.“I love you, too,” Diego responds. Spencer doesn’t know if it’s an intentional choice, but he snuggles up closer to Diego, using the latter’s rather large chest as a pillow replacement. He really doesn’t understand any of this. He doesn’t understand how someone as pure as Diego can exist. He can’t understand how such a perfect man could love Spencer, of all people.
As he sinks deeper into Diego’s chest and his eyelids flutter, he doesn’t understand why he feels so calm, how he can feel so strongly and yet feel so light. Perhaps he doesn’t need to understand, though. No one is expecting him to understand.
As he drifts off to sleep, all he feels is love, blooming in his chest.