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“No fucking way.”
“Yes way!”
Sirius screamed and threw himself at James. It was fantastic, it was absolutely fantastic. Somehow, Euphemia Potter had been convinced: James was staying at Hogwarts for Christmas. He was the last one of the four Gryffindor second year boys to confirm (they needed a better name), and Sirius could've exploded with happiness right then and there.
They immediately ran to tell the others.
Last Christmas, Sirius and Remus had stayed, and had an amazing time. So of course, now they were all staying.
James’ parents had beared a hellish week of owls and inanimate objects impromptu begging by their child. Sirius definitely wouldn't have liked to be James’ dad, but it was worth it, apparently.
Peter’s parents were convinced by the promise to be owled every week. Seeing as they were as muggle as one can be, they were usually mailed by muggle means. Peter had to convince them to try the owls by begging more than he was willing to admit, Sirius suspected. But his friend really wanted to keep in touch with them, and considering how far away his family lived, muggle mail would probably arrive after the holidays. Sirius genuinely didn’t understand the need, but he lent Peter his owl for the matter. After all, he didn’t have anyone to mail.
Sirius had hopes of talking to his little brother, Regulus, considering there wouldn't be any more classes to worry about (until the second week of January, that is). They hadn't spoken to eachother since Sirius had been sorted, because Regulus never answered his letters during the school year (Sirius suspected his mother had something to do with that... or so he hoped), and in the summer, his mother didn't let them talk.
For the three months of school they'd had so far, Regulus was constantly with his house mates, a hunch of horrible Slytherins. Sirius already knew them from family reunions: They bragged and fought and hated reading and flowers, and their pranks weren't funny, more often than not they were plainly cruel.
In short, Sirius didn't like them. And he was a little scared of them, even though he wouldn't admit it to no one.
(Well, not of them , but their parents, on the other hand... and what they could say to Warburga...)But surely they wouldn't stay for Christmas, so Sirius was certain his brother would be alone. And then, they'd be able to talk and Regulus would join the four second year Gryffindor boys (they really needed a better name) in their adventures. And then he'd see how fun they were, and how smart and funny Sirius was, and then he wouldn't believe what his mother said about Sirius anymore. They could run away together, be like pirates or something, and wouldn't have to see their mother again.
It would be perfect.
It had to be.
***
The following morning, Sirius woke up at nine. He groaned, it was Christmas break! He wanted to spend every single second of it having fun. And his friends were snoring soundly by his side. He smiled and kicked his covers out of himself. Then, he realized: Regulus would probably be having breakfast downstairs. He always had a bit of an oversleeping habit, in Sirius’ opinion.
So, he got dressed, and without waking anyone, slid towards the Great Hall.
On the Slytherin table, there were significantly more students than in Gryffindor. Sirius found that Gryffindors tended to have better relationships with their families than Slytherins, which was a little strange, because it was usually blood-purist Slytherins the ones preaching about family and how important it was. But then again, so did his family, and Sirius would’ve traded them for anything. The Slytherins on the table probably shared the sentiment. None of them were Regulus, though.
Sirius tried to shut down his bad feeling with optimism: maybe he’s still asleep, he thought. But then he saw Evan Rosier and Barty Crouch talking about what a shame it was that their dorm-mate wouldn’t be there, and all hopes Sirius had died down. Feeling tears prickling at his eyes, he ran off.
To where? He found himself thinking of the astronomy tower. Remus had hidden there last year. But he didn’t want to see any diagram on which he could find the Leo constellation and its brightest star. Instead, he got to the Library, which wasn’t empty, but nobody paid him any mind as he flopped down on a hidden corner and wept.
Of course, of course Regulus hadn’t stayed. Why would he? It wasn’t like he had anything at Hogwarts. Just an awful brother who was more scared of his parents than he loved him. Just a Gryffindor who couldn’t be brave enough to find a way to talk to him. What a disgrace, he thought, and it was hard to distinguish the voice of his mother from his own, on his brain. He missed his Regulus. He missed talking about stars, and his childish laugh, he missed holding him after his nightmares, putting his wet bed sheets in the laundromat and passing a couple galleons to the domestic elves so that they wouldn’t tell his mother. He missed running in the garden, Regulus always a little behind, always whining because Sirius was taller and ran faster, he missed their midnight snacks, their whispered secrets, he missed his brother as he was everything Sirius had ever had. What a disgrace.
***
His dorm-mates found him around the time for lunch. Or, well, James did. Sirius kind of would have preferred it to be Remus, because he was the only one who'd seen him cry before, and knew what to do. But he supposed someday this was bound to happen.
“Sirius...oh.” James’ mouth was hanging open. Sirius thought of shutting it with his hand, but he was sitting on the floor and James was standing and... yeah, too complicated. The thought did make him smile though, which probably looked weird.
Scratch that, it was definitely weird.
But anyway, James did shut his mouth, which was very appreciated. He looked at him for a couple more seconds before sitting next to him. “We were looking for you, what happened?”
Sirius sniffled, remembering Regulus, and looked up into the roof, to prevent any more tears from falling.
“James... you know I have a brother, right?” They'd never talked about it. Sirius hated thinking about him, so he didn't, and his friends never asked. But Regulus and Sirius were a hot topic amongst the gossip circles of Hogwarts.
Of course though, James Potter wasn't in said circles.
“You do?! Why’ve you never mentioned him?” He thought about it for approximately two seconds before he said: “Oh, is it because of- Oh, how old is he?”
“He's eleven.” Sirius tried not to think about Regulus’ birthday, in the summer: how his mother had locked Sirius in his bedroom and how he had to listen to everyone give his brother their best wishes while he couldn’t. How he couldn’t celebrate with him when his Hogwarts letter arrived, nor could he help him pack or give him advice. He really tried not to think about that.
“Oh, so he’s here? Why’ve you never introduced us?”
“I...” Sirius did his best attempt at not-crying. He really did! But sometimes, your best attempt isn’t enough. Sirius definitely knew about that.
He broke down crying, and James held him, not saying anything. They stayed like that for a while, Sirius crying, James holding, until Sirius calmed down. Then, James offered him a tissue, which Sirius took gladly, and then went to the Gryffindor tower.
On it, Remus and Peter were waiting. “I’m starting to think we need a way to track eachother. You know, like a map,” Peter was saying.
“There they are!” Remus exclaimed, and Sirius wanted nothing more than to crawl up somewhere small and stay there for the rest of his life. Not have the conversation he should.
James gestured toward their dorm, and so they went upstairs. Wordlessly, Sirius flopped down on his bed. Why had he woken up at nine? His head throbbed. He was so hungry he could’ve eaten a horse.
He couldn’t see his friends from where he was laying, so he could only tell this much from the conversation:
Peter asked: “So, what is it?”
Seconds of silence.
Remus said: “Don’t worry about it, Sirius, have you had breakfast?”
James: “I doubt so. He was at the library when I found him, and you know Pince...”
Peter: “What would you like, then? We can raid the kitchens if you’d like...”
James: “Nah, not if , he needs to eat.”Remus: “Sirius...? Would you like to go to the kitchens? Get you those cuasons you’re always eating?”
Sirius shuffled to get his mouth out of the mattress, then said: “You’re saying it wrong.”
There was a bit of silence. “What do you mean?,” Remus asked carefully.
“It’s pronounced: croissants.” He pronounced each syllable slowly, almost as if his mother would hit him again if he messed up. “And I can’t go out to the kitchen like this. I haven’t even showered.”
James and Peter started to protest and tell him not to be “such a bloody girl”, but Remus seemed to silence them with a gesture, because they fell quiet. Then Remus said: “It’s alright, a shower’s gonna be good for you anyway. Why don’t James and Peter fetch lunch for everyone, and you shower? I’ll stay here in case you need anything.” Sirius was pretty sure Remus wasn’t staying because of him, more because of himself, but he didn’t want to fight.
He did a small thumbs up, and didn’t get up until he heard Peter and James walking out the corridor.
“Wow,” Remus said drily, sitting down next to him, “you do look like a mess.”
“Gee, thanks.” Sirius smiled anyway. Remus could do that, he could make Sirius smile. The four of them had really different relationships with eachother, and what Sirius had with Remus was that. He was allowed to make Sirius smile. And to fix him a bath, as he got out of his clothes and into a bathrobe.
And he was allowed to grab Sirius’ hand and ask: “Do you want to talk about it?”
Sirius answered no. He would talk about it with James, who was allowed more information about his family than the rest. Remus patted him on the shoulder, a friendly gesture, and left, as to give Sirius some privacy.
Sirius got into the warm water. He usually took really hot showers. Those were good. Those made him soak in his pain. In his guilt. Those made his brain shut up. But Remus had fixed him a nice, warm bath. Because of course he had.
He sighed and dipped his head in the water, letting it cover up until his nose. He breathed out shakily. If he sank his face just a little more, he could inhale water. He could drown. He wouldn't.
He missed France. By then, all of his friends knew he was French. To him, it was like being left-handed: something his mother had beaten out of him. He'd gone to all these specialists that had forced him to drown out his natural accent, and adopt one that belonged to a country he didn't even know, at his six years of age.
He would later on find a home in that country, but France would forever be a part of him. A part of him that could never be truly his. Regulus reminded him of France.
Someone knocked. “Sirius? Can we come in?” It was James.
“You want to see me while I'm naked? My, I hadn't pegged you for the type, Potter.” The boys on the other side laughed. “Alright, well, we've brought chicken and chips for you, so whenever you're ready, princess.”
Sirius did end up fessing up to James. It was a late night, two days after his outburst, and he talked the whole time. James listened. James cared. Sirius was scared, but he wouldn't admit it.
It seemed that James knew, anyway.
He hugged Sirius tight, and promised everything would be alright. At twelve years old, Sirius didn't think so, but he let himself believe it. He was twelve. It was all he could do.
----
“Oh but come on, Remuuuus!” It had become a monthly affair to bother Remus about his disappearances to the Hospital Wing. He had friends now, friends who were really worried about him. And Remus didn't seem to know whether to be annoyed or happy at the fact, in Sirius’ eyes.
Regardless, one thing was for sure: He wasn't telling them. And they were obviously antsy.
When they eventually separated, James sighed. “I just wish he'd tell us what's going on.”
***
When confronting Madame Pomfrey, the process was always the exact same: She'd look happy to see them, say she'd go ask Remus if they could see him, and come back with a negative answer.
It was frustrating. It was worrying. It was- James kicked his trunk.
“IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS! When is he going to say ‘yes’?” James was the most impatient of them all, not just on this, but in general. Sometimes Sirius caught himself thinking he was a little spoiled. But sometimes his impatience was righteous.
Like on this time.
Peter was flipping through a Muggle comic book. Sirius had never seen them before Peter got to his life, but they were definitely one of his favourite things now. His favourite was Batman, James’ was Superman, and Remus really only liked the Spiderman ones. Peter would read all of them viciously. There was something addictive to heroes.
But he was digressing, Peter said: “Look, mate, I'm about as stressed as you are, but if you break your foot-”
James interrupted him: “That's brilliant! I could get in the infirmary that way!”
Both Sirius and Peter snapped at that: “No.”
James sighed and flopped dramatically on his bed. Sirius sighed too. “Maybe we should try again. Be really insistent until Pomfrey gives up on asking Remus,” Peter offered.
“There's no point in that,” Sirius argued. “If he doesn't want us to know, we can't force him.”
“But it has been three days,” James pointed out. “He can't blame us for being worried.”And he was right. Remus' monthly disappearances only lasted for a day, maybe a day and a half, without counting the nights. Three days was really worrying, and even though they knew he was in the Hospital Wing, it didn't make them any less queasy.
And even though Sirius knew what it was like to not want to tell others something, he was really worried too.
So, without any resistance, they made their way to the Hospital Wing, underneath James’ Invisibility Cloak.
The first bed they happened across had its curtains closed. The rest were open. It didn’t take a genius to know only one was occupied. Remus’.
Gently (because it wasn’t a matter of letting Pomfrey know they were sneaking in, was it?), Sirius pulled the curtain enough so that the three of them could get through.
Remus was, of course, reading. It was weird that that was what Sirius’ brain first thought, considering his best friend was almost entirely covered in bandages, particularly on his chest. He was a little pale, but Sirius had the impression he probably looked worse before Pomfrey’s care.
All in all, he looked awful, and for once, Sirius was glad they’d followed James’ plan.
Sirius looked at his friends underneath the cloak. Peter counted down from three, and then they got out of the cloak. Remus lifted his eyes from the book and then gasped, looked at James’ cloak, looked at them, repeated the cycle, and then closed the book with shaky hands.
Once he closed the book, James was the first one to speak: “Hi.”
“H-hi? What... what are you guys doing here?” Remus looked almost frightened. Sirius felt as though his heart were being squeezed. What the hell was going on?
“We came to see you,” he answered plainly, and sat on the piece of empty mattress at the bottom of the bed.
Remus hummed unconvinced. James sighed.
“Can’t you tell us what’s going on? You’ve been in the Hospital Wing for days, and look at you! What happened?!”
Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand. He noticed that a scar Remus had since they met wasn’t healed yet... It had to be a magic thing. But what?
James’ complaining was only interrupted when they heard Remus sob.
They all turned to Remus, whose cheeks were red and eyes were watering. “What's wrong?” Sirius asked as though he were talking to a little bird. A sad, scared, hurt bird.
“I- I don't want you to hate me...”
There was a bit of a stunned silence. How could they hate Remus for getting hurt? To James or Peter, the idea probably sounded ridiculous, and it was likely they were about to say so, until Sirius shot them a look . Remus needed patience, not complaints.
He turned his attention back to Remus. Still holding his hand, he leaned in, careful not to put his weight on Remus’ legs, and said: “We could never...”
Remus seemed pained. “Don't. Don't say that, please.”
Sirius was painfully reminded of their last Christmas break. He'd been on the other side of that conversation. But he decided to push through. “Remus... you can tell us anything. You're our friend.”
“But for how long?!,” Remus snapped. Before he could carry on what was surely a really emotional explosion, Sirius said: “Always. We'll always be friends.”
Remus seemed shocked. Sirius started drawing circles on Remus’ hand. “Always, and in all-ways, you know? You're sweet and kind and you deserve all of the love we can give you. We're here because we're worried about you, Remus, and if you'd just-”
“I'm a werewolf,” Remus cut him off. Neither of the three boys could hide their surprise. “A what?!”
Even though all of them were fairly surprised, the most shocked was probably Peter: “Those EXIST?”
His exclamation was good though, because it broke the tension and all of them started laughing, including Remus, and eventually Peter himself.
“That was the reaction I expected the LEAST.” Remus didn't seem to have let his guard down entirely, but he seemed much more relaxed.
“Yes Pete, those exist. Although most people never meet one I think,” James told his friend. Sirius saw Remus' expression at being treated a bit like a curiosity, and decided to make fun of his friend. Putting on a funny voice, he started his documentary: “Yes Peter, you're in a rare encounter with the creature of the night, Remus John Lupin. Beware! He's got dry-ass hair and the fashion sense of a grandfather. Truly horrifying.”
Sirius smiled at Remus, who was fighting back a smile of his own. “You're all surprisingly relaxed with all of this,” he said. Sirius picked up the hand he'd dropped in his surprise. “Well, it is shocking, I mean, I'm pretty sure you're the most harmless person I've ever met-”
“My scars beg to differ...”
“-But we wouldn't hate you.” He circled back to that, because it was the thing he was the most worried about. “We... love you... right?” He looked back at his friends, unsure about talking for them, but they nodded firmly. James put a hand on Remus’ shoulder: “Of course we do. And anything that we could do for you, anything you might need... we're here.”
Remus’ eyes welled up with tears. “But I'm a monster.”
“No you're not!” Sirius smiled, “what kind of monster wears sweaters with elbow patches?”
“Helps with homework?” James added.
“Plays chess?” Peter added too.
Remus didn't seem convinced. “But...”
Sirius shushed him, actually leaping into the bed until he was right on Remus’ side, careful not to put pressure on any limb. “You, sir, are our very own Remus John Lupin, and not a monster by any means.”
Remus looked at him, and since he seemed about to cry, Sirius tried to distract him: “Well, Remus, what do you want to do then?”
“I don’t know...”
Sirius nodded. “I think... we should come up with a name.”
“A name?” Peter asked. “For what?”
James seemed to read Sirius’ mind, as per usual: “For us!, right?”
“Exactly,” Sirius agreed. “We keep on doing pranks and it’s all fun, but we need a signature.”
James started: “What about ‘The fantastic four’?”
“That’s already a superhero team,” Peter retorted. Then, as an afterthought, added: “And a shitty as fuck name.”
“Mm... ‘The trouble-makers’?,” James tried again.
“Boooring. Something more... original. It’s gotta have some flair to it.”
“Sirius, are you naming a gang or a fairy?”
They all snickered at that.
***
At some point, they fell asleep. Sirius woke up, but didn’t move. He was using Remus’ shoulder as a pillow, and could feel his breathing and small movements. He slightly opened one eye, to set it on a book on Remus’ hands: of course, he was reading.
There was a noise like the curtains opening, and Madame Pomfrey appeared on his sight. “Afternoon, Poppy,” Remus had said, whispering. Sirius could practically hear the smirk in Remus’ voice. He hadn’t stopped smiling since Sirius had called him their own.
Pomfrey chuckled. “I’m taking they didn’t take no for an answer?”
“Nope.” Remus popped the p. Sirius did his best not to smile. How could he be so endearing?
“And it went well, like I told you a thousand times it would?”
“Mhm...”
“I’m glad-” Pomfrey started saying, then Remus cut her off: “They said I’m their Remus Lupin, not a monster. They... they said they loved me.”
“Oh, Remus...” He heard some rustling, like cloth against cloth, and felt a small weight oven his head. He risked a glance and realised Pomfrey was hugging Remus. Remus, who was sobbing.
Shutting his eyes again, Sirius heard Pomfrey say: “I'm so, so happy for you, my dear. Good people can be really hard to come by, but you've found them. And you deserve it. You really do.”
***
They ended up getting kicked out by Pomfrey (“But Poppy!,” Remus had complained, which still amazed Sirius. He’d never heard someone refer to the matron by her first name, not even her colleagues. He felt a little more respect towards Remus after that.). Sirius had gone to Honeydukes then, to get more chocolate for his werewolf friend, and when he got back, he found Peter and James hunched over some books.
This was a rare sight, so Sirius immediately made fun of them: “What? Finally learnt how to read?”
Then he peered over their books. They were about werewolves.
“You know, I’m pretty sure Remus’ll answer any question you two have, there’s no need...”
“I’m just worried, mate,” James said. “I’ve never actually met a werewolf... I only know they’re dark creatures, and isn’t that just another way of saying evil?”
Sirius felt really uncomfortable with the turn their conversation was taking. James kept talking: “I mean, sure, it’s Remus, but if he lied about this... who knows what else he could be lying about?”
“Exactly,” Peter agreed.
Sirius pursed his lips. “Look, I know you’re scared, but you do know Remus, come on. Don’t be ridiculous. Of course he lied about this- don’t you see what you’re doing? You’re literally thinking he’s evil just because he’s a werewolf!” Peter looked down at his book and then back at Sirius. James rubbed his neck, like he always did when he was nervous.
“It’s just that most werewolves-”
Sirius cut him off: “Most Blacks are batshit crazy, do you think I am?”
There was a tense silence in the dorm. Sirius hadn’t really meant to make this conversation about him, but he couldn’t avoid the connection. James looked at his book, and then grabbed it, marched down to the window, and threw it. Peter smiled, and did exactly the same.
James hugged him. “Of course not. And you’re right, we were being stupid.”
“As usual,” Sirius said, making the three of them laugh.
Then, Peter gasped, and said “Wait! Those were from the library!”
----
Sirius was having nightmares. He would love to put it another way, but there wasn't: He was having nightmares. And they sucked and they were awful and nobody had to know about them.
Which was why, since the first of September, he'd been putting some... silencing charms on his bed. Not a big deal, really, because he wasn't a little kid, he wasn't like, crying or screaming over those nightmares. At all. He just... knew his friends were light sleepers, and didn't want to... interrupt their sleeping schedules.
Yep. Yep. That was it.
Christmas break came with a lot of staying up late. Having no schedule and your best friends in your dorm usually did that. Sometimes his friends would wind up in another’s bed (be it that they exchanged or slept together), but Sirius didn't. He forced himself to stay up until all of his friends fell asleep, and then closed the curtains to his bed, put on the charms and slept.
Until one night, of course, Sirius fell asleep. Not intentionally, obviously, but... well, he should have seen it coming. He wasn't getting any real sleep since the break started, of course his body forced him to, unwillingly.
He didn’t quite know what happened, all he knew was his sore throat, that he blinked away tears as he opened his eyes, and that the three of his friends were looking at him with worried expressions.
Sirius hated that.
He loved being looked at when he was good : when he managed an essay in under an hour or a spell flawlessly. Or when he’d comforted Remus, or when he managed a plan that made everyone think he was brilliant.
He actually quite loved being good. Especially when it costed him effort. When he really had to try. He loved working hard and being good.
He hated pity, though.
He hated being bad . Crumbling. Breaking.
And that was pretty much what was going on.
James, of course, was the first to speak: “Sirius... what happened?” It seemed to be the only thing he could ask. Peter, on the meantime, had conjured a glass and was filling it with water. Sirius took it gladly.
“Sirius...” Now it was Remus. He was particularly difficult for Sirius, because he knew Remus saw through him. And he knew Remus wouldn’t just... let him gnaw at his wounds like a hurt animal. “Talk to us. Please.”
“I just...” He half-heartedly hoped something would interrupt him, like a fire in the common room or another similar unavoidable-business. It didn’t happen, so he didn’t have a choice: “Last summer... It was just really bad, okay?” His mother had hit him before. She’d hexed him before. She’d even cursed him. None of it reached even the heels of the things that happened then.
“And... I’ve been having some nightmares about it... But you don’t need to worry, I swear.” He said the last part quickly, and knew the others hadn’t bought it.
“Sirius...” This time the three of them had spoken at the same time.
“I’m fine!”
“You were screaming!” Remus retorted, “and crying for help! Do you really expect us to believe you’re fine?!” He sighed and pinched his nose. Sirius felt awful. He didn’t like others being mad at him. It made him feel incredibly guilty. Incredibly bad .
“I’m sorry...”
Remus looked at him with those green eyes of his. “How long have you been having those nightmares?” The anger seemed gone from his voice, but Sirius wouldn’t take that for granted.
“I... I can’t remember.”
“But you already had them in September.” Remus hadn’t phrased it like a question, but Sirius still nodded.
“For fuck’s sake, Sirius, and when did you plan telling us?” This time Peter had been the one to speak. Sirius couldn’t avoid a small ironic smile as he said: “Never?”
“Sirius...” He’d heard that so much, he was starting to fear his friends had been replaced by parrots. Or at least James, who seemed way out of his depth as he said his name.
Remus suddenly got up from the bed and grabbed his robes. “Come on, we’re going to the infirmary.”
Sirius sputtered a bit until he managed a “What? Why?”
“Madame Pomfrey has a dreamless sleep potion, she gives it to me sometimes... I can’t promise you won’t have a nightmare ever again, because you can’t use it every single night , but you’ll be able to sleep.”Sirius felt oddly defensive. Taking a potion... it was like admitting how much his mother got to him. He didn’t want to. He was twelve for Godric’s sake! And up until then, he’d had his nightmares under control. Just because he’d accidentally fallen asleep once...
“And what if I don’t want to go?”
Remus looked at him in a certain way that made Sirius feel like a four year old who was being really immature. “It’s a shame. Go on, get up.”
Sirius had no choice than to do as he was told.
***
The walk was silent. Sirius was mad that Remus was right. Remus was simply too resolute.
Remus did the talking. Sirius stubbornly stood to the side. He noticed Remus didn’t mention who was having nightmares, but judging by the glance Pomfrey shot at him, it was fair to say she could imagine the situation. She didn’t say a word about it, thankfully.
Before going upstairs to their dorm, Remus set down the small vials Pomfrey had given him, and hugged Sirius. Sirius was surprised at first, and wanted to be mad at Remus, but he couldn’t. He held him back. Remus whispered: “Please, do tell us if you’re hurting, Sirius. This won’t help.”
“You’re being a hypocrite, Lupin,” he whispered back, making Remus snort. “Well, maybe I am. But we do love you too.”
“I know,” he whispered. Often, that was a lie: Who could love someone as wicked as Sirius Orion Black? But then, in Remus’ arms, it was the truth. “I know.”
***
“So, lads,” James said, once they got into the dorm. “We've been thinking-” “ You've been thinking,” Peter interrupted, “I've been making Sirius toast.” To showcase his statement, he showed them the toast, complete with marmalade and everything.
How, exactly, Peter Pettigrew had made toast in the dorm, was a mystery. But it was good, so Sirius decided to be thankful instead of questioning.
While he ate his toast, James explained how they should play a game to relax and... well, Sirius didn't actually pay much attention, because he didn't need to be convinced to play a game. He desperately wanted to distract himself.
So, they went with truth and dare. First went James, who was dared (by Remus) to make scrambled eggs to go with Peter's toast. Sirius wasn't entirely sure how Remus had an egg to make, but it did make him laugh when James nearly burnt his own blanket while trying to make it. Sirius was chosen to judge the egg, and determined it was uneatable.
So, of course, the next person who asked for a dare (Peter) had to eat James’ egg. He gagged the whole way through.
Then, Remus picked truth, because of course he did.
“Mm...” James pinched his chin, thinking hard. “Have you ever kissed anyone, Remus?”
“Yes,” Remus answered without missing a beat, which was funny, because Sirius was sure said answer made his heart skip a beat.
He looked as Remus blushed furiously, slapping a hand over his mouth, while both James and Peter exclaimed in surprise.
“Who?!!”
“Who did you kiss?!”
Remus seemed embarrassed. “I'm not telling you!” And thank god he wasn't. Sirius did trust Remus not to tell anyone, but the possibility made his insides squirm.
“Oh but come on, Remuss!”
“We won't tell anyone!”
Remus seemed really uncomfortable. He looked at Sirius for help. “Lads, lads,” Sirius started. “Don't you see? Our Remus is a gentleman,” all those years of bullshitting to the house elves and teachers were paying off, “and a gentleman doesn't just ‘kiss and tell’.”
His friends groaned, but Remus smiled at him. Sirius felt the same annoying butterflies he felt every time that happened. He'd started naming them, to have something to think that wasn't Remus: Lilian, Margaret, Sophia...
“Let's carry on with the game, s'il vous plait... ”
On Sirius turn, he picked truth. Maybe because he didn't have any culinary skills, maybe because he was pretty tired, maybe because he wanted to start off easy, he picked truth.
“We never talk about girls, mate,” James started, and Sirius began to regret it. “Who's the hottest gal in our year?”
“Well, erm...” He suddenly felt like all eyes were on him, and even though there weren't that many, it felt like a lot. He locked his eyes on the floor. “Definitely not Evans,” he started, and tried not to think that it was practically the same answer he'd given Remus almost a year ago.
His friends laughed. Then, Remus said: “It's Mary, innit?” Sirius whipped his head up so fastly he was sure he'd almost broken his neck. Remus winked at him. “I've seen you... stealing glances...” Peter cooed and James even wolf-whistled, while Sirius couldn't stop his racing heart. He wondered if the bit about werewolves having sensitive senses was true, and if Remus could hear it. He wondered what would happen if Remus figured it out...
But neither him nor Remus were like that. They couldn't be. They were good. They... just had their secret, that last New year's Eve, and they would eventually fall in love with good girls, and get good marriages and lead good lives.
This was just a mate helping out a mate. Favour for a favour. Even if Sirius felt like he shouldn't need help at picking a pretty girl, when it was so easy to pick a pretty boy.
----
The dungbombs in the dungeons had been a good idea at first, but running desperately as Filch yelled their names, Sirius was starting to regret it.
James was right next to him. That was a good thing, because the detention wouldn’t be separate then. It was definitive they would have a detention, because they had already been identified. Damn them and their “No, we don’t need the Cloak for every single prank. ”
Sirius almost fell over, making a huge turn at a corner. Their robes waved with the wind and Sirius was certain: He could never feel a rush similar to the one pranks demanded. Their robes waved and they looked like capes, like superhero capes. What was their villain? Boredom. Sadness. Adults. Sirius remembered his mother, the look on her face before cursing him like she’d never done before.
He kept running.
They crashed against something. No, not something, someone . And no, not just someone: Minerva McGonagall.
She seemed amused, like she always was with their antics. Maybe they could be against adults, but not Minerva. Not her.
“Now, what are you two marauders doing here?”
There was no time to answer. Filch yelled again. They ran away.
***
They obviously got that detention, but they got something else. James had looked at his friend oddly when he’d said that, but Sirius’ brain was working at a thousand miles per hour, and wouldn’t slow down just for him.
He strode down to the Fat Lady’s portrait, got in, didn’t stop in the common room, didn’t stop while opening the door,didn’t stop to greet Remus and Peter (who’d been engrossed in a game of chess), didn’t stop at all until he was standing in his bed, all of his friends looking at him.
“Attention everybody! I’ve just had a revelation.” He flicked his hair out of his face, just then noticing it over his eyes. “While graciously getting out of Filch’s wrath, this very morning, on a quest that, shall I remind you-”
“Sirius. Make it short.”
Sirius cleared his throat, annoyed by the interruption, but following its advice anyway: “I’ve decided we should be called Marauders.”
He slunk down on the bed he was standing on. His friends seemed to consider the name.
“Marauders? How do you even spell that?” Peter asked.
Sirius spelled it.
“And what does it even mean?”
Sirius... didn’t know.
Luckily, Remus had his back. Already having searched it in an encyclopedia, he read:
“ Marauder:
Plural: marauders
A person who roams from place to place, engaged in banditry or related activity, looking for opportunities to cause chaos. Unpleasant and dangerous. ”
“So, lads?” Sirius said, smiling. “Convinced?”
James seemed indecisive. “It does have a nice ring to it... Pete?”
“Well, it’s better than the alternatives... Remus?”
Remus was smiling, Sirius noticed. Sometimes he wanted to bottle that smile for forever.
“I really like it. The Marauders. We almost sound like book characters.”
James piped up. “Well then, it’s decided. The Marauders are here and ready to kill.” He paused for a second, then added: “Figuratively, of course.”
He was met by a cheer.
----
Christmas day came, and with it, the newly-named Marauders’ prank.
This year, Sirius had been ready. Before the summer holidays’ end, his mother and brother had gone out to shop for the latter’s first year at school, leaving Sirius to the care of the “loving” house elf, Kreacher. After successfully buying him with a bottle of firewhisky (courtesy of his father’s cabinet, of course), Sirius managed to go to Diagon Alley via floo powder.
Using his family's money (that was courtesy of his father’s safe, of course), Sirius went and bought:
For Peter, the Moving Picture potion. Peter was a photography enthusiast. But he was muggleborn, and had a muggle camera, with pictures so still you’d think he’d taken pics of corpses. Remus said that’s just how pictures worked in the muggle world, which was a shame, so Sirius was sure this would be a good gift.
For James, a pocket snitch. They were similar to their professional counterparts, but not quite: They were slightly more copper coloured, and they could be reused. James had always dreamed of being a seeker, so Sirius was sure this would be a good gift.
For Remus... he’d walked into a bookstore. He was thinking of getting him a book from the magical world, but then he started over-thinking it. What if he hated it? So he walked out, and somehow found himself walking out of Diagon Alley...
He hadn’t planned on getting amongst muggles- he’d never been. And even though he tried to calm himself down, he could still feel the voices of the Black family, like a constant- his grip was tight on his bags, afraid of being robbed, and his hand was anxiously playing with his wand as he irrationally expected to have his magic stolen from him or something. He knew his friends were likely right, but they were also eleven years old, like him. They could be wrong. And in the space that word left, Sirius Black ’s mind played and played.
Then, he ended up getting lost. He stopped walking as soon as he realized, knowing full well he couldn’t ask a muggle for directions, but had to be home by five. He looked to the building he was in front of, and was surprised to find a bookstore. It seemed old. And worn out. But there was something magical about books, wasn’t there? And familiar. And... and Sirius really could’ve used something familiar there.
“Hello!” The lady at the counter smiled. She had auburn hair and a smile that was very similar to McGonagall’s when they did a prank she actually found amusing, even if she wouldn’t admit it. “Were you looking for anything in particular, young man?”
Sirius was stunned into silence when he realized the polite lady was probably a muggle. He gaped for words a couple of times when he noticed the book on the counter. “Is... isn’t Huckleberry Finn a side character in Tom Sawyer?”
The lady laughed. She sounded a little like Remus. “Yes, yes, but he got his own book afterwards! Nice book, Tom Sawyer, huh?” Sirius smiled. “Yeah... yeah, it was.”
“D’ya want it? It’s only two shilling”
Sirius had no idea what that was. He told the lady that. She hummed thoughtfully, and said: “Well, I’m not really selling them anyway, so if you want to, take it.”
Sirius could have been less surprised if she’d just announced she was a mass killer. “Really?!”
“Yeah, sure, why not? ‘S nice that you kids read.”
“I- uh... thank you! Really!” Sirius could feel the tears forming in his eyes. The lady didn’t comment on it. Instead, she pointed out her clock and said: “I’m going to close up now, but have a nice evening! And enjoy the book!”
“Will do!” Sirius exclaimed back, beaming.
He got out of the bookstore, and couldn't remember why he'd been so tense anymore. He looked around, and saw Muggle children with their parents, people with dogs, friends walking arm in arm, a young man helping an old lady cross the street...
He realized that he was two streets down a store called “The Leaky Cauldron”, which, according to James, led to Diagon Alley.
And so, he managed to get back home.
Shortly put, he got Remus “Huckleberry Finn”. He was sure a Muggle book couldn't go wrong with Remus, and it was a (hopefully good) callback to their first conversation.
So, he managed to get all of his friends gifts. But they got them later than usual, because, as we've already stated, the Marauders didn't just stay asleep in their dorm for Christmas.
It had taken them ages to brainstorm, but since Filch was making Sirius and James’ lives impossible, it was granted they had to get back at him somehow.
It was honestly bland, for a Marauders’ prank. But it was good. Oh, it was good.
At night, on the 23rd (or 24th, it was well past midnight), they set up the charms. James and Peter were on bubble-duty, while Remus and Sirius were on timing. It turned out impeccable. Completely spotless. Squeaky clean.
The Great Hall filled with foam as soon as Albus Dumbledore finished his Christmas toast. Filch did look like he was near a heart-attack, but the students loved it, screaming and throwing chunks of foam to their friends.
When they got back to their dorm, they went straight for the gifts they hadn’t touched because they’d been asleep during the day- magic really was tiring sometimes, and the allnighters they’d pulled while scheming didn’t help.
Luckily, Sirius was right: his friends loved their presents, and so did Sirius (except for the silver rings engraved with his family’s motif that he got from his parents, which he chucked out of the window without a second thought.)
One of them stuck out. Andy’s.
It was a record. Remus had squealed when he saw it. Once he finished declaring his neverending love to Andromeda, Remus explained that the band that had made the record was gaining a lot of popularity, and the songs he’d heard on the radio were “to die for.” Sirius could only trust him (and Andy), because he’d never heard of T. Rex, until “Electric warrior” was in his hands.
They spent a good while joking around, trying out James’ mum’s homemade goods, until they eventually fell asleep, one by one. Sirius had put the record on Remus’ player, but by the time the first song ended, he was the only one awake.
He considered taking it out and giving it a listen the following day, but the second song started and it was like getting into a trance.
“I was dancin’ when I was twelve...
I was dancin’ when I was twelve...
I was dancin’ when I was out...
I was dancin’ when I was out...”
In all honesty, Sirius had no idea what the singer thought about when he sang, or why the writer had chosen those words to portray it. But the feeling, the sheer feeling the song awakened made Sirius start crying. It was so... raw. It was- it was like Regulus’ face when he’d left on the first day of first year, it was Andromeda’s letters, it was kissing Remus Lupin when the clock struck midnight, it was late night conversations with James, it was Poppy Pomfrey giving a crying Remus a hug, it was...
It was his Great Uncle Alphard whispering: “And that one? That one’s the most beautiful one of them all. The Canis Major and his star. Sirius.”
“Is it strange to dance so soon...?
I danced myself out of the womb...”
----
“So...”
“So.”
Remus and Sirius were alone. It wasn’t the first time since break started, but it felt like it. James and Peter had gotten detention for their Christmas stunt, mainly because nobody could prove Sirius and Remus were guilty too, being that the charms that created the bubbles had come from the other two Marauders' wands. So, they wouldn't be back in quite a while.
So, Remus and Sirius were alone. Sitting on their dorm’s floor. Sirius was staring at his flexed knees.
“I never thanked you,” Remus said, “for helping on the truth and dare?”
“Oh, yeah, ‘s nothing.” Sirius could feel his cheeks redden, it was an awful tingly sensation, he hated it. But he couldn’t help it. “It was as much for me as it was for you though, so...”
“Yeah,” Remus agreed, “yeah, you’re right.”
It was the first time they talked about it. It had been nearly a year. It was the first time they talked about it...
Silence walked into the room and made itself comfortable between them. It was heavy and dense. Sirius risked a glance at Remus, and found him doing the same.
“Sirius...”
“Yes?”
“Did you... did you want to?, when...”
Sirius pursed his lips, and set his eyes on his knees again. This was a bit like truth or dare. Except the dare was to try lying to those awful, deep green eyes of Remus. He didn’t want to lie. He really didn’t. But he knew it would be for the best. He knew it was necessary. That Remus wouldn’t want the truth anyway. That not even Sirius did. He knew he wanted to bite himself, like he always did when his thoughts weren’t good , he knew he wasn’t good.
He wasn’t good. Sirius had never actually thought that, even if he subconsciously knew it. He wasn’t good... then why pretend to be?
Why should he lie?
“Yes... yes, I- I did.”
“Oh...” Remus didn’t say anything. Silence wasn’t comfortable anymore, it was roaring on Sirius’ ears. Or was that his heart?
“I'm sorry, Remus... I don't... but...”
Remus said something really quietly. Sirius was terrified of what it could be, but he asked anyway: “I... what did you say? Sorry.” If curiosity killed the cat...
“I wanted you to kiss me, too.”
“Oh!” Now Sirius was the quiet one. He turned to Remus, who was looking at the floor, his back turned to Sirius.
“Do you... do you regret it?,” Remus said.
Why should he lie?
“No. Of course not.”
Remus turned to him at that, and suddenly his eyes were on Sirius’ and Sirius could never lie to them.
“I'm scared, Sirius,” Remus admitted. And because he was sweet and saw right through him, Sirius had to admit it too.
“I'm terrified, Remus.”
Remus half-smiled. “You know, I once read that being brave isn't being fearless, but acting despite your fears. Conquering them.”
Sirius smiled too. “Then I think I could be the bravest Gryffindor out there...If I did do it.”
“Maybe...” Remus licked his lips. “Maybe we can start somewhere small... maybe you can... hold my hand” Remus’ voice cracked a little at that. And Sirius understood. Without saying anything, he grabbed Remus’ hand, and held on tight.