Work Text
I sat at the head table, still dressed in my damn monkey suit, and stared into my glass of rum and coke while the celebration continued around me. I didn’t feel much like celebrating. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled that my work partner and best friend finally found the love of his life. After spending so many years living with the belief that he was broken and inadequate, he deserved to feel whole again.
The several worried glances he sent me during the last half hour told me I’d caught his attention. The last thing I wanted to do was take away from his special day, but too many thoughts were running through my mind for me to find much enjoyment. I know it’s been a couple of months since I had to take that kill shot, but Pfeiffer’s death is still weighing heavy on me. It shouldn’t, considering that the piece of shit didn’t appear to give a second thought to the lives he ruined. Still, taking another life, even one as worthless as Pfeiffer’s, always leaves my heart feeling heavy.
Regardless of how horrible Pfeiffer was, someone loved him, and someone is mourning him because I decided to place one life over another. Yes, I know I didn’t have a choice. Madalyn had already suffered through enough horrors in her life before accidentally falling into all of the bullshit from the rehab scam.
I also know that Pfeiffer needed to be neutralized. Otherwise, he would have continued to maim and murder. None of that knowledge changed how I felt the moment I pulled the trigger and watched him drop to the ground.
For a moment, I'd been worried that maybe Casey beat me to it. She's so sweet. The last thing she needed was to have to live with the knowledge that she'd taken a life. Thankfully, she never pulled the trigger, allowing me to shoulder the burden instead. After my time in the military, it was something I should be used to by now. It’s just another black mark on the sniper’s soul.
If Pfeiffer was my only issue, I might have been able to set him aside for the night, but sadly, he wasn't. Losing my mother was weighing heavy on my heart. Those last few weeks leading up to her death were pure torture. Honestly, I would have done damn near anything else, including taking her place, then have to sit by and helplessly watch her decline.
Cancer is such a cruel villain. By the time my mother drew her last breath, she didn’t look anything like the person I’d known and loved for three-plus decades. I’m not sure what was worse, watching my mother suffer or seeing the tortured look on my father’s face every day leading up to her death.
I know we were all relieved that she was finally out of pain, but the first time we walked back into the house my parents had shared for forty-three years, it felt incredibly empty, and my father seemed so lost. That first night, Dad slept on the couch instead of their bed.
The days immediately after her passing were difficult in a way I’d never experienced. Besides the obvious hole my mom’s death created, there were decisions to be made that none of us, in our various states of grieving, was prepared to make. Mom had never been one to care about presentation or looks. So, we all knew she wouldn’t have cared what kind of wood the casket was made from or what material was used to line it. Mom’s wish was to be cremated anyway. Ultimately, we did what was expected by her friends and the community. Then, in keeping with her wishes, we had mom cremated.
So many people attended the viewing and the funeral service. People who hadn’t seen my mother in years came to pay their respects. It was hard for all of us to stand next to Mom’s casket and accept repeated condolences, sometimes from people we didn't know or remember, but it appeared to be especially rough on Dad. I would have sworn that he had aged several years in just those few days.
Almost immediately following the funeral, my brother and sisters all bugged out, leaving me to keep an eye on Dad. I wanted to believe it wasn’t because of my presence, but I knew better. I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly resentful of how quick they were to abandon me and Dad.
Okay, so it’s possible they all needed to get back to their jobs. Yes, it’s also possible they each needed the comfort of their own homes to help them through their grief, but it was also possible they couldn’t stand to see Dad looking so lost. At least that’s what I wanted to tell myself because admitting that they couldn’t stand to be near me hurt on an entirely different level. Whatever their reasons, each of my siblings was quick to get the hell out of dodge.
Since I occupied a standard Rangeman-issued one-bedroom apartment back in Trenton, I hadn’t been in any hurry to leave. Not only did I not have anyone or anything to return for…well, besides Lester and Casey’s wedding…but I was also worried about how Dad would deal with an empty house.
I’d been prepared to take an extended leave of absence and stay with Dad. Considering the situation, Lester and Casey would have understood if I missed the wedding. Plus, plenty of men at Rangeman would have stood in for me in the bridal party. Instead, Dad insisted I return in time for my best friend’s wedding. After multiple assurances that he would be fine, I finally relented and returned to Trenton.
I’m just going to throw this out there right now. Trenton, in winter, is about as bleak and dreary as it gets, which also wasn’t helping my mood. The white snow in the city turns brown before the plow trucks are even parked. It’s cold, and with daylight savings time, it gets dark early, providing even more opportunities for criminals to hide in the shadows. You would think the cold would help to curb criminal activity, but I guess when you’re high on your drug of choice, you’re numb to the cold.
I was more interested in getting a different kind of numb tonight. So, I lifted my glass and sipped my third drink of the night. The two empty glasses sitting next to my half-full one helped me to keep count. If I had my way, I’d consume enough alcohol that, at least for the rest of this night, I could escape my feelings.
Lester slid into the empty seat beside me and gave my shoulder a gentle nudge. “You, okay?”
No way would I ruin his celebration by dumping my problems on him. Instead, I nodded. “I will be.”
Several seconds passed, and I could only assume he was deciding if he could believe me. “You know,” he began. “Under the circumstances, I would have understood if you wanted to stay with your father for a little longer.”
I tried to paste on a smile for him as I answered. “I know, but Dad insisted I needed to be here. He said it would make me feel better to be involved in something happy."
"But you don't feel like celebrating," Lester said.
I shook my head, then took another gulp of my drink. Thanks to my generous tip to the bartender, he’d gone heavy on the rum and light on coke for me in all three drinks. It’d been a couple of months since I last drank, so I was already copping a good buzz.
“If you want to leave,” Lester said, pulling my attention off my drink and back to him. “I'll understand. My only request is to use one of the Ubers Ranger ordered for tonight. I don’t want you drinking and driving."I wanted to take him up on his offer. I really did, but I would not bail on his wedding reception. There would be time after we sent him and Casey off for me to sneak away and find a local bar to finish my goal for tonight. Again, I shook my head. "I'm not bailing on my best friend's big day." With the glass still in my hand, I motioned toward the dancing crowd. "Besides, I promised Maddie another dance before the reception ends." Not that I wanted to be anywhere near her right now. Again, don’t get me wrong. She’s beautiful, intelligent, and incredibly sweet, but I don’t need another reminder of that night.Lester chuckled at my answer as he motioned to the dance floor. “In case you haven’t noticed, we have dozens of single men here. Any of which would be happy to dance with her in your place."While most of those men were my Rangebrothers, they were also single and looking for a quick hookup. Maddie deserved better than being used to scratch an itch. “All the more reason for me to stay," I replied, then took another swig of my drink. "She's been through enough without some drunk, horny cretin pawing at her."Lester arched a brow. "Some of those drunk horny cretins are your co-workers."Feeling the effects of the alcohol, I lifted my glass in a toast to my brethren. "As I said, all the more reason for me to stay."I set my glass back down while I tracked her movements. She was currently dancing with Tank. Whatever he said made her smile as she stared up at him, and envy bloomed in my chest. Why does he get graced with a genuine smile from her, and all I get is an expression of remorse?Could I be a reminder for her the same way she’s a reminder for me? I frowned at that thought. "Did you know that today, before the wedding, she pulled me aside again to thank me for saving her life back in December?”If I was still thinking this hard, I haven’t had enough alcohol yet. I lifted the glass to my lips, then paused. My scowl deepened when I realized I could see the bottom of the glass. "As if there was any other choice," I grumbled."You're right," Lester said as he pulled the empty glass from my hand and replaced it with a full glass of water. "There wasn't another choice, but that doesn't mean it didn't cost you to do it."It helped that he understood, but this wasn’t the time or place for that discussion. I shrugged as I stared at the glass of water. "It always costs me a little when I have to take a life. That's part of the deal. Protect the innocent at all costs. What they don't tell you until it's too late is part of that cost is losing pieces yourself in the process." Damn, I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. Maybe the alcohol was working after all.The worried look on Lester’s face deepened. This isn’t what I wanted for him during his wedding reception. Maybe if I could reassure him, he’d drop the subject and return to Casey's side. Then, I could head to the bar for another drink. To appease him, I took a long sip of the water, set the glass down with one hand, grabbed his shoulder with my free hand, and squeezed. "I know you're worried. Don't be. I promise I'll be okay."He nodded. “You know, I'm always here for you, right? So are the rest of the guys.""I know," I said. "It means a lot, but tonight, you should be there for your bride."His gaze tracked to where Casey was dancing to a faster song with Stella, Kristina, Manny, Junior, and Woody. She appeared to be enjoying herself, and I could tell by the expression on his face that he was once again feeling torn between me and his new bride.After the Pfeiffer incident, Bobby and Tank insisted on staying with me. So, imagine my surprise when Lester showed up just a few minutes later. His sweet and caring woman insisted he come to my apartment and stay with me for the night. When I tried to argue, he said Stephanie, Kristina, and Stella would spend the night with Casey and Maddie. It ended up being a long, hard night, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I was glad Lester was there to support me.I nudged him. “Go. I promise I'm not in any headspace where I’ll do something stupid, okay?" Getting drunk might fall into that category, but since I knew he was more worried about me offing myself, I rolled with it."Okay," Lester finally relented with a sigh. "But if you need anything-"I waved him off. No way would I bother him on his honeymoon, but if I did fall into that headspace, I’d go to Bobby, Ranger, or Tank. “I know, and I will."Lester stood, then patted me on the back. “Drink that water and stay away from the alcohol,” he warned. I nodded again even as I mentally replied with a No promises. Then he returned to the dance floor.I only needed to bide my time until everyone was seeing him and Casey off. Then I’d jet out. Ranger arranged to have Ubers parked outside on standby for any of us who drank too much. All I had to do was slip into one of them and direct the driver to take me to the nearest bar. In the meantime, the least I could do was stop making my friend worry. That meant abandoning my spot at the table and joining in the festivities whether I felt like it or not.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Ram!”I would swear someone was calling my name, but the last I remember, I was alone, and nobody knew where I was.“Ram!”There it was again, piercing my brain like an arrow and forcing me to think when I didn’t want to. I vaguely remember staying at Sharky’s until closing and not being happy because I wasn’t as numb as I wanted.Clips of walking down the street and buying another six-pack flickered through my mind like a broken movie reel. My head felt swollen and heavy. It was too heavy for me to try to lift it to see where I was.“Damn it, Ram.” The familiar voice pierced my brain again, compounding my already splitting headache. A normal person would have at least flinched in response, but finding the energy to flinch or open my eyes at all was beyond my abilities. That meant any other movement was also out of the question. My mouth tasted like an old dirty sock, inducing instant nausea. I sent up a silent prayer that I wouldn’t vomit because every muscle hurt, and I didn’t want to move. Sadly, my sense of smell still appeared to work, as the stench of piss and puke caused my stomach to roll. Even with the imminent threat of vomiting, I couldn’t be bothered to move. Like Jimmy Hendricks and Bon Scott, maybe this is how I was meant to go out, choking on my vomit because I couldn’t move. That thought should have disturbed me a lot more than it did.“Christ on a crutch…Ram, wake up!” A different but still familiar voice shouted at me, causing the dull pain in my head to bloom with the raised sound level. Since it felt like my eyes were filled with sand, I didn’t bother to open them. I wasn’t sure if that was making the lingering dizziness better or worse. Even the soft thud of boots against the barely-there carpet echoed through my head.“This is bad,” the first voice said. “Should we call an ambulance?”“No,” voice number two replied. “We should call Bobby first. We’re also going to need backup to move him. No way are we getting his hungover ass out of that bed without help.”With my brain swollen and overstimulated, every little sound was amplified so I could hear the rustle of clothes before voice number one began to talk again.“Yo, Bobby, we found him.” Silence followed before he spoke again. “No. We’ve got a big problem…” Then the voice faded, telling me whoever it was had walked out of the room.“Ram,” voice number two said, much softer this time. Warm, minty breath drifted across my face. “Can you hear me?”“Bobby is on his way with Ranger and Tank,” voice number one said. “He said don’t try to move Ram until he gets here.”“I’m not sure he’s conscious,” voice number two replied. The concern in his tone motivated me to try and open my eyes. The last thing I wanted was for my friends to worry about me. Despite my best efforts, it didn’t happen. “What the fuck happened after the reception last night,” voice number one asked. “From what we’ve been able to piece together, Ram bailed while Lester and Casey were leaving. Rangeman’s credit card was charged for an Uber pick up from the reception and a drop off just a block from Sharkey’s bar. We tracked Ram’s credit card to the bar and this dive motel. When we pinged his phone, it also tracked here.” “His watch and wallet are still here,” voice number one said. “At least we know he didn’t get rolled.”Hearing them talk about me in the third person was both eerie and exhausting. Who knew trying to keep up with a conversation could be so tiring?“According to the clerk at the front desk, he checked in alone,” voice number two said, his voice fading as I drifted into the abyss.The sinking of the bed pulled me out of my stupor. I guess my government training still worked even when I felt half dead. Not that I could do anything about it. No way was I lifting my arms to protect myself and firing a gun was out of the question. Honestly, I wasn’t exactly sure where my weapon was. That realization sent an internal wave of panic through me, but my body still didn’t react. If someone was here to do me harm, I’d be a sitting duck.A lot of muttering by Bobby yanked me out of my internal thoughts. “Jesus Christ, Ram. Are you trying to kill yourself?” I wasn’t. At least not intentionally, but I couldn’t be bothered to try and answer him.“Who in the hell was in charge of keeping an eye on him last night?” Ranger asked. “Brett,” Tank replied.“Make sure you call him to the mats tomorrow and teach him a lesson about following orders,” Ranger said. “If we can’t trust him to have our backs, he’s on desk duty until further notice.”No! I wanted to argue on Brett’s behalf. It wasn’t entirely his fault. Being a highly trained sniper, I’d learned how to give people the slip. Them assigning Brett to me was like assigning one of us, besides Tank, to keep tabs on Ranger. I tried to open my mouth, to tell them as much, but my body seemed unwilling to take orders from my brain.“Make it clear to him that he needs to shape up if he wants to remain at Rangeman,” Bobby said. “Bones, get me the IV set up and sterile saline out of my bag,” Bobby ordered. “Vince, make sure the seats in the back of Ranger’s Cayenne are down. Junior, go with him and bring back the soft stretcher and a blanket.”So those voices from earlier were Vince and Junior. I knew they sounded familiar.“We’ll get this IV started, then roll him onto his side on the soft stretcher,” Bobby said. “I don’t like how shallow his breathing is. Make sure the oxygen is accessible in case I need it.”“Should I call Kristina and tell her to set up for a gastric lavage?” Bones asked. “No,” Bobby replied. “I don’t want to risk compromising his airway. Call and tell her to set up to piggyback five percent glucose on top of the IV. We’ll also need to measure urine output, but I’ll handle that when the time comes.”“Got the stretcher and the blanket,” Junior said. A moment later, I felt the pinch in my arm as Bobby set up the IV. Maybe I was in worse shape than I thought, but I still couldn’t open my eyes. “Okay,” Bobby said. “Let’s roll him onto his left side on the stretcher. We’ll place him head first into the back of Cayenne. That way, I can monitor his breathing.”The next thing I knew, I was moving. It took a moment for me to realize the pathetic moan I heard came from me. It wasn’t all that surprising since every muscle in my body screamed in protest. “Are you sure you don’t want to take him to St. Francis,” Tank asked as they carried me to the waiting vehicle. The rush of cold air that hit me when they opened the door was a welcome feeling and helped settle my stomach. “I can do everything they’d do for him at St. Francis,” Bobby replied. “Plus, I think we’d want this to stay internal, don’t you?”“True,” Ranger said. “The last thing we need is TPD catching wind of this and questioning Ram’s ability or mental state. If he takes a turn for the worse, we’ll take him to the ER. Until then, we’ll handle it at Rangeman.”I know they tried to be gentle when they placed me in the back of the vehicle, but there was no way to get me into the cargo area that didn’t require some jerky movements. After several jolts in my body, I gave up and let the darkness take me under again.The next time I surfaced into consciousness, I managed to open my eyes. I was in the infirmary at Rangeman with a nasal cannula, an IV in each arm, and Bobby sitting next to my bed. I turned my head to look at him, catching his attention. “It’s about time you came back to us,” he said as he pushed to his feet and began his assessment. “Do you know how close you came to dying last night?”The anger and fear I detected in his voice caused a wave of guilt to wash through me. The last thing I wanted was to worry anyone. I started to shake my head but stopped when the internal pounding began again in my brain. “No,” I managed to whisper, shocked at how pathetic my voice sounded.“Well, you were closer than you can even begin to imagine. What in the hell were you thinking?”“I didn’t want to think anymore,” I replied. “Yeah, well, you almost weren’t anymore, period.”Yep, he was furious with me. Damn, Bobby, way to make me feel even more guilty than I already do. “Thank God Vince realized you were missing this morning.” He reached up to check the IV on the pole, then moved down the side of the bed and picked up something hanging on a hook at the foot of the bed. The movement echoed through my lower region in a way that caused momentary confusion. Then it hit me, he’d given me a fucking foley while I was unconscious. Of course, if I had to have one, I wouldn’t have wanted it done while I was awake. “You’re going to be stuck here for at least the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours,” he said as he returned to the head of the bed. “I want to ensure you’re well hydrated and your electrolytes are balanced before I let you on your own again.”No way did I want to be stuck in the infirmary, but I learned a long time ago not to argue with Bobby. “Understood. Can I have something for the pounding in my head?”“I’ll get you something,” he said. “Do you think you can sit up a little and drink some water?”“Yeah,” I replied, knowing that any movement might cause my headache to worsen or the tube in my dick to shift and hurt. I guess either happening would be my penance for plying myself with too much alcohol. Bobby began to raise the head of the bed, and I hissed out a breath at the movement.“You play, you pay,” he said, then turned and walked away. “What a wonderful bedside manner you have,” I murmured and tried to lift my arm over my eyes, only to be stopped by the IV. My gaze focused on the tubing, and my mind flashed back to a few weeks ago when my mother was in the hospital. Dad would be so disappointed in me if he saw me like this.Bobby returned with a bottle of water and a medicine cup. “Here.”I popped the pills, then took a long drink of the water before handing the bottle back to Bobby.He set it aside, then eased back into the chair. “You’ve been off for months, and last night was completely out of character for you. Do you want to talk about it?”I stared up at the ceiling and considered his question. “I don’t think even Dr. Cochran has that much time.”“Try me,” he said. “I know some of this is tied to your mother’s passing. Is that the only thing bothering you?”I sighed. “I’m still wrestling with Pfeiffer’s death.”“What’s to wrestle with?” Bobby asked. “Pfeiffer was deranged. He needed to be taken down.”“You’re not the one who had to pull the trigger,” I replied.“You did what you needed to do,” Bobby argued. “If you didn’t take that shot, Maddie and possibly Casey might not be here today.”“I realize that,” I said. “Still doesn’t make taking a life any easier to accept.”Bobby frowned. “You never had this issue when you were on active duty.”“Oh yes, I did,” I countered, “It was just easier to dismiss with the whole I was doing as I was ordered excuse.” Despite the constant ache behind my eyes, I shook my head. “Nobody ordered me to take that shot against Peiffer. That was all me.”Bobby sighed. “I know this probably won’t make a difference, but you only had to take that shot because you were there first and had the best angle. I would have taken that shot if I had made it there in time. So would have any of the others.”The problem was none of the others took that shot. I did, and I needed to learn to live with that decision.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Two days later, I still suffered from a lingering hangover. Man, I’d done a number on myself. After how I acted, I was surprised I still had a job. While Ranger wasn’t the type of boss to kick one of his employees when he was down, my fuck up was pretty big. So, I couldn’t blame him if he decided to let me go.With Bobby keeping me on medical leave, I was lying on the couch in my apartment, a cold cap on my head, when knuckles against hardwood cut through the silence and sent a jolt through me. Desperate to keep whomever it was from knocking again, with a groan, I pulled myself off the couch and shuffled my way to the front door. Lester was still away with Casey, and Bobby warned others to leave me alone. Which meant one of two people was standing on the other side of the door. I wasn’t surprised when I opened it to find Ranger and Stephanie staring back at me. Honestly, I’d been expecting this visit, and for reasons beyond explanation, I wasn’t nearly as concerned as I should have been about him being there to fire me.“Are you up for visitors?” Steph asked.Since there was no way I would tell her or Ranger no, I stepped back and motioned for them to enter.“How ya feeling?’ Ranger asked as they both walked past me into the living room.“Well, my head is still hosting the Eagles drumline for practice sessions, and it still burns when I…” Realizing what I was about to say, I paused to modify my statement. I wasn’t in any condition to piss Ranger off for being crass in front of his wife. Not to mention, I have way too much respect for Stephanie to be so vulgar. “Um…urinate,” I said as I eased into the empty chair.“Considering the condition you were in when Vince and Junior found you, I’d say you got off easy,” Ranger replied.He wasn’t wrong. I know what I did was stupid and could have ended much worse. “Why, Ram?” Stephanie asked. “You’re not a huge drinker. So, why would you do that to yourself?”I shrugged at her question. “I don’t have a good answer.”“Do you have any answer?” Ranger asked. The last thing I want to do is talk about it again, but if they’re here, they’re worried about me and want answers. I leaned back in the chair and tilted my head to stare at the ceiling. How can I explain my feelings when so much is going on inside me that even I’m not sure?Warmth enveloped my hand, which rested on the chair’s armrest, and Stephanie’s thumb began stroking the back of my hand. “Eric,” she whispered. “We’re worried about you. Please talk to us.”An unexpected swell of emotion clogged my throat, and I swallowed hard as I kept my attention on the ceiling. You always were a sissy crybaby. The memory of my older brother’s words echoed inside my head. Once again, I’d proven him right. Shame bubbled up inside me and poured out like hot lava, scalding me in much the same way.I’d not only let Stephanie and Ranger down; I’d got Brett in trouble and worried my friends and co-workers. If anyone outside the company had found me, it could have seriously tarnished Rangeman’s reputation and put my career in jeopardy. Worse than all those things combined, I broke my promise to Les. Thankfully, he was still on his honeymoon. Otherwise, he would have already kicked my ass for being so stupid.I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at Stephanie. Seeing her expression of concern was nearly too much for me to handle. If I caught a look of pity on her face, I’d be done. “I wish you wouldn’t,” I finally said with a strained voice.“Why?” Ranger asked.“Why what?”“Why do you wish we wouldn’t worry about you? You’re family, and we worry about and care for our family.”Knowing there wasn’t any way around this conversation, I opened my eyes, lifted my head, and looked at him. “It might be time for me to leave this family.” The feeling of no longer being worthy of this job or these people coursed through me. The pain, I imagine, was probably a lot like taking a knife to the heart, but I didn’t know how to rid myself of these thoughts. My siblings were right when they said I was worthless.Steph’s gasp was followed by the jerk of her hand pulling away from me. The absence of her touch caused my heart to clench, and I barely resisted the urge to reach out to her. It wouldn’t be fair for me to hang my problems on her. “Why?” she asked. Ranger narrowed his eyes. “You’re not happy here anymore?” It wasn’t as much of a question as it was a statement.“Not exactly,” I replied. “I mean, it’s not that I’m unhappy here. I’m just unhappy, period. I thought a change of scenery might help improve that for me.” Way to lie to him, Ramsey! But shame prevented me from telling him the truth.Ranger shifted and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “I know the last few months have been difficult. Between your mother’s cancer and then her passing, killing Pfeiffer, and all the overtime you’ve pulled this past year, are you sure you’re not just burnt out?”It was more than just being burnt out; I didn’t know how to articulate that to them correctly. Nor did I want to get too deep into that conversation. Instead, I nodded. “Yeah, maybe.”“Before you do anything as drastic as uprooting your life, I think maybe you should take an extended vacation and then talk with a therapist,” Ranger offered.Again, I nodded. Getting away from here was necessary, but the idea of leaving permanently made my heart hurt. This was my home, and these people were my family. Leaving them behind wasn’t something I looked forward to, but I felt it might be necessary. However, it was possible I still wasn’t thinking correctly, and maybe Ranger was right, and all I needed was a good rest. “Let’s start with the vacation,” I said. “As soon as Lester returns, I’ll put in for some time off.”Ranger shook his head. “No, you’re off now until further notice.”Shock zipped through me, and my eyes widened. “But we’re short-handed.” I tried to protest.“Nothing, not even Rangeman, is more important than your mental health,” he countered. “After the stunt you just pulled, I’d say your mental health is teetering on the edge, and it can’t wait until Lester gets back to be addressed. If I’m being honest, I can’t trust you with a weapon right now, which means you’re only good to me in the office or on monitors. Both of those duties wouldn’t help your mental health any either. So, make whatever arrangement you need and take your well-earned and overdue vacation. I don’t want to see you for at least a month.”“A month?” I replied and pushed to my feet. What was I supposed to do with myself for a month? “Ranger, I appreciate the time off, but I don’t need that long.”“Yes, you do, and I’m not taking no for an answer, Ram.”I rubbed a hand along my neck as I stared at him. “What about Rangeman?” All I could think about was how I’d let all my co-workers down once and was about to do it a second time by taking a vacation. With Lester gone on his honeymoon, they’d already be a man down. If I left too, it would be more work on the rest of them. “Rangeman will be fine. We’ll make it work.”When I started to further my protest, he held up a hand. “You’re a valuable employee and an important piece to the Rangeman family,” he argued. “I’d rather not have you here for a month than lose you permanently.”Stephanie’s gentle hand landed on my arm, pulling my attention to her. “Please, Eric,” she begged. “Watching you walk away from us would be heartbreaking. Burying you would be even worse. So, please take the vacation and get some much-needed rest.”Since nobody, including me, tells Stephanie no, I guess I’m going on vacation. “Okay,” I relented with a sigh, but where will I go on such short notice?”The last thing I wanted was to head back to see my dad. He had enough on his plate without having to worry about me. The age gap and career choices between me and my siblings made me an outcast. So, visiting any of my family was out of the question. None of them would be able or want to relate to my struggles and feelings.“Where do you want to go?” Steph asked.I dropped back onto the couch and picked up the ice pack to place it on my neck. The stress of this conversation was making my headache worse. “I don’t know. I guess someplace warm since it’s freezing here right now.”Ranger eased into the chair opposite me. “Is this just about a change of scenery?”I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess.”“Would you consider going to Miami?” He asked. “You can use our penthouse at Rangeman’s office, talk with the therapist in charge, and you won’t feel so alone since you know most of the guys there.”“That’s a great idea,” Steph chimed in. “It’s close to everything, so you could spend time at the beach and go to great places to eat. Go fishing or boating. Maybe do some sightseeing.”“Or if you want, you can just rest in the apartment, and nobody will bother you,” Ranger said. “I’ll talk with Parker and let him know you have permission to stay, and I’ll make sure Martina knows to feed you.”The lump in my throat returned, and I fought against the urge to cry at their understanding and generosity. “Thank you,” I whispered. “You’re welcome,” Ranger replied. “Just be sure you utilize the Rangeman-provided therapist while you’re there.”I nodded. “I promise.”“Good,” Ranger murmured. “Once Brown deems you well enough to travel, I want you to make arrangements and go. Now that’s settled, we also came down here to discuss something else with you,” Ranger said.That caught my attention, and I sat up straight. “What?”“After much consideration, the core team has decided to hire Madalyn as our office manager.”I hoped my features were sufficiently schooled to hide my reaction. It’s not that I hate Maddie. I really don’t. In fact, there are at least a dozen things I find intriguing about her. The major problem I had entirely rested on the fact that seeing her would remind me daily of the life I took to save her. Pfeiffer was the first life I’d been forced to take as a member of Rangeman. One could say he was my first non-military-related target. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling to process and accept my actions. When I was still a sniper in the military, it was easy to convince myself I was doing what was right for my country. Taking out the target in my sight was protecting my country and my family since it would make them just a little safer. My brain deluded me into shifting blame for another person’s death on the orders of the military.Nobody ordered me to take Pfeiffer’s life. The moment I spotted him chasing Madalyn and Casey training her gun on him, I made that decision. My soul was already going to hell. No way would I allow Casey’s beautiful innocence to be tainted by taking another’s life. Even if it was in defense of Maddy. Realizing that I once again was getting lost in my thoughts, I pulled my attention back to Ranger. “What does that have to do with me?” I finally asked.Ranger and Steph exchanged glances before Steph finally spoke. “We just wanted you to be aware because we know having her around all the time could remind you of Pfeiffer when I’m sure all you want to do is forget.”She was right. I did want to forget in every way possible.“Maddie is obviously qualified for the job, or you wouldn’t have hired her,” I replied.Ranger nodded. “She is, which made the decision easy, but it will also allow us to continue helping her heal and protect her. We just wanted you to be aware so you wouldn’t be blindsided by her presence when you returned from your sabbatical.”I snorted at his statement. “Sabbatical. Is that what we’re calling my mandatory month’s vacation now?”“Call it whatever you want,” Ranger said as he pushed up from the chair, reached for Steph, and helped her to her feet. “Just so long as you go.”“Wait,” I said when I realized they were leaving. Steph and Ranger stopped to look at me, and I suddenly felt like a piece of shit for what I was about to ask. “Can you do me one favor regarding Madalyn?”Steph’s brow was knit, but Ranger’s facial expression remained neutral. “What’s that?” Steph asked.“Can you please talk to her about her continued need to thank me whenever she sees me? I was only doing my job, and her constantly bringing it up wouldn’t help my healing. So, can you ask her to please knock it off in your sweet way?” I asked Steph. “I know she’s grateful, and I appreciate it, but she’s not indebted to me or anything else she has worked up in her mind, and I need her to understand that before I return.”Steph nodded. “I’ll talk with her.”“Thank you,” I replied, then took a deep breath. “Then I guess I’ll talk to Bobby about my ‘sabbatical.’ I lifted my hands to air quote the last word with my fingers. “And see what he says. If he’s good with it, I’ll pack and start looking for flights to Miami.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Bobby loved the idea of me taking a vacation in Miami and even made sure I scheduled the first flight I could get. Two days later, it was a little after lunchtime when my commercial flight from Philadelphia to Miami touched down. I disembarked, headed for baggage claim to retrieve my duffle, then walked outside to look for my ride. Landon Parker, medic for the Miami office, was waiting for me. “Ramsey, it’s been a while.” He reached for my duffle, leaving me with only my computer bag. “That it has,” I replied. “Thank you for coming to get me.”He shook his head, then opened the back door to the Durango and tossed my duffle into the back seat. “It wasn’t a problem.”I slid into the passenger seat, placed my laptop bag between my feet, and secured my seatbelt. Parker slid behind the wheel and looked over at me. “In the interest of full disclosure, Bobby shared what happened.”Embarrassment heated my face, and I kept my focus forward. HIPPA didn’t apply within the confines of Rangeman. Ranger made sure of that when he hired all of us by having each employee sign a health records agreement that stated our records could and would be shared among the core team and anyone else they deemed needed to know. So, understand that Bobby felt it vital to let Parker know. Especially considering how concerned everyone is about me. That still didn’t stop the shame from blooming inside me. “I’m not actively suicidal,” I said. “It was just a lapse in judgment.”Parker started the Durango and put it in gear. “Actively suicidal or not, you know as well as anyone that a lapse in judgment can be fatal. There was some underlying reason as to why you chose to get that drunk and put yourself in that position.”Anger and humiliation began to duel inside me. “I’ve already had my dick smacked enough back in Trenton. I didn’t come down here for another lecture, Parker.”He steered away from the airport. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like a lecture. I just wanted you to know that I’m also concerned for you. I want to help you get through this, but you need to know I will be keeping a close eye on you. No way will I allow you to do something like that on my watch.”The anger was in full force now as I glared at him. “I’m not a child, Parker, and I don’t need a damn babysitter.”“Then don’t do stupid shit,” he snapped, though there wasn’t any heat in his voice. Then he turned his attention to the road, signaling the end of our conversation and leaving me to stew. Maybe coming to Miami was a mistake. Maybe I should have just gone out somewhere on my own.
Fuck!
I scrubbed my hands over my face as I turned to stare out the passenger window. Yes, I was pissed at what he said, but he wasn’t entirely wrong, either. I’d been incredibly stupid with the decisions I made that night. I wasn’t in the right headspace. It stung to make the admission that I hadn’t been in the right headspace for a few months.Twenty minutes later, Parker pulled into the garage at Rangeman Miami and angled into the closest empty parking spot. He shut off the engine and then turned on his hip to look at me. “Look, my intention wasn’t to make you mad, and I obviously did. So, I’m sorry.”I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not as if you weren’t right in what you said. I just don’t like being called out on my shit.”He smirked. “Well, nobody does.” Then he patted me on the shoulder. “You’re here to rest, recuperate, and get your head on straight. I’m here to help. So, don’t be too stubborn to ask for it, okay?”I came close to giving him one of Steph’s famous eye rolls, but knowing he meant well, I simply nodded instead. “I will. I promise.”“That’s all I can ask,” he replied.I stopped by the fifth floor, talked with a few of the guys I knew, and grabbed the fob for the penthouse. Then, I hauled my duffle and laptop case up to the top floor. I fobbed my way in, closed the door, and took a deep breath as I looked around. Instead of being a seventh-floor penthouse like the Trenton office, this penthouse was on the eighth floor. Other than that difference, nearly everything else was identical to Trenton.The silence that filled the apartment carried an air of calm I’d missed in the last few months. Maybe that had more to do with the fact that I was now thirteen hundred miles removed from everything.I made my way through the apartment and stopped to stare at the large master bedroom. One look at the bed Ranger and Stephanie now shared when they stayed here, and I knew I was sleeping in the spare room. No way would I disrespect either of them by taking their bed. I dumped my duffle on the floor in the spare bedroom, returned to the kitchen, and grabbed a bottle of water. Then, I went back to the spare bedroom. I dug out a pair of shorts, grabbed a towel and washcloth from the linen closet, and headed for the guest bathroom. Almost mechanically, I stripped out of my clothes, turned on the taps, and stepped under the spray. Several minutes passed as I stared transfixed at the back wall while the water beat on my tense back muscles. The tightness of my muscles made the showerhead’s spray almost painful on my back. I closed my eyes, drew in a deep breath, and held it as I welcomed the pain. It’s a reminder that I was still alive and I still had an opportunity to fix this situation. I still had a chance to right some of the wrongs I’ve done and to make a difference.Slowly, the water began to do the job, and my muscles started to loosen. As the tension eased, fatigue set in, and I was suddenly so tired I could barely stand. I quickly washed, then shut off the taps, stepped out, and dried off. Exhaustion crept in at such a slow pace I didn’t notice it until I physically struggled to return to the spare room. I didn’t even bother to put on any clothes. Instead, I left the towel on the floor, opened the water bottle, and took a long drink, then I pulled down the sheets and dropped into the bed.
* * * “Ram”The sound of my name spurred an unpleasant yet somewhat fuzzy memory. It was only a few days ago that someone called my name like that. Only, I was so out of it that I couldn’t open my eyes. Surely, I wasn’t in that position again, right? I didn’t remember going out and getting drunk a second time. I also didn’t feel hung over this time. When I didn’t hear anything else, I decided it was probably just a remnant of some dream and shifted to drift off again.“Ram!” This time, the voice was louder and clearer, and I realized it wasn’t imbedded in my dreams. Still, since whoever was in my room knew my name, I wasn’t all that concerned about being in danger. However, I can’t say the same for the person who interrupted my sleep. Whoever it was should be very worried.I opened one eye to see Parker standing over my bed. “What the fuck, Parker?” I grumbled and threw an arm over my eyes. “Can’t you let a man sleep?”“What are you talking about,” he asked. “From what I can tell, you’ve been sleeping since yesterday afternoon.”His reply had me moving my arm to look at him. “Yesterday afternoon?” I vaguely remembered getting up a couple of times and stumbling my way to the bathroom to take a piss, then collapsing back into bed, but I never bothered to check the time.Parker nodded. “When Martina told me you didn’t eat dinner, I wasn’t too worried. Then, when she returned to get your breakfast dishes and leave you lunch, she found that food untouched. That’s when she came to get me because she was getting concerned.” He tilted his head as he looked down at me. “Are you okay?”“Yeah,” I said almost with a moan as I swung my legs over the side of the bed and pushed into a sitting position. Shit, I must have slept a long time because my body was stiff. “What time is it?”“Almost one in the afternoon,” Parker replied. “What time did you crawl into bed?”“About three yesterday afternoon,” I answered.He angled his face to the ceiling. “Jesus, Ram. You slept for nearly twenty-four hours.”With the palms of my hands, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. “Not straight. I did wake up to go to the bathroom a few times.”“Well, I guess that’s something,” Parker grumbled. “Weren’t you hungry too?”My stomach growled at his question. “I wasn’t at the time,” I replied. “Sleep was most important, but I’m famished now.”“Considering you missed dinner and breakfast, I can understand why,” he replied, then paused to assess me. “I see you still sleep naked. He grabbed the comforter and tossed it at me. “Show a little modesty. The last thing I want to see is your balls again.”I smirked. I still remember that black ops mission and our luck at finding a recently abandoned hostel during our trek toward enemy territory. Only one of the bathrooms in the place still had hot, running water, but no shower curtain or door. We each took turns covering our partner’s back while he took a much-needed shower. Unfortunately for Parker, he got stuck with me.I’ve never been one to compare size…mostly because I’m a firm believer that it’s all about how you use the tool God gave you and not how big it is…but that didn’t keep Parker from feeling slightly inadequate. After we cleared our mission and were in mandatory quarantine and downtime, he again got stuck with me as his bunk partner, further solidifying his feelings of inadequacy.“Then don’t look,” I replied as I tossed the comforter off me, then stood and headed for my duffle bag. “You don’t think if Martina came walking in here, she wouldn’t be upset at finding you naked?”I searched through my bag, found my underwear, and, with my back to him, slid them on. “She shouldn’t be walking through the apartment without announcing her presence,” I countered. “That’s a Rangeman rule.”“I did that,” Parker said. “You didn’t answer me until I stood over you yelling your name.”I’d just finished buttoning my jeans when his words took root. Realizing he was right, I spun to face him. “Shit, I’m sorry, Park. I guess I was more tired than I realized.”“Is that all?” he asked and folded his arms over his chest. “Should I be worried about any substance use?”I wanted to be hurt by the question, but after how I’ve acted recently, he had every right to wonder. I shook my head. “I’ll take a drug test if you want me to.”He seemed to ponder my offer. “I don’t know if I should take you up on that or not.”Again, I was hurt by the knowledge that he didn’t completely trust me anymore, but I’d done that to myself. “If it makes you feel better, then let’s do it, and I promise that I won’t take anything, even over-the-counter stuff, without checking with you first, okay?”He remained in place for a moment before he finally eased his stance. “Okay. Now, grab a shirt and eat the lunch Martina brought you. Then, you can come down to the infirmary and piss into a cup for me. After that, you’ll have your first session with Doctor Metzger.Shit! I forgot about the Rangeman therapist I agreed to see while I was here. “Can we use one of the conference rooms or an empty office for the therapy session?” I asked. “I don’t want him in the apartment.” I’d already come to see the apartment as a stress-free zone, and I didn’t want it tainted with anything Doctor Metzger might dig up.“I think we can arrange that,” Parker said.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Doing my best to ignore the crying baby a few rows back, I trained my gaze out the plane’s window and replayed everything that happened during this last month. Man, I can’t believe it’s been a month already.Part of why it didn’t feel like it had been a month was my own doing. Even after Parker had to wake me that first morning, I continued to sleep…a lot…during that first week.If I hadn’t already known I was depressed, the massive amount of sleep, lack of eating, and lack of motivation to do anything besides watch television gave it away. Honestly, I didn’t know a person could physically sleep that much.Both Parker and Rangeman Miami’s therapist, Doctor Metzger, agreed that I must have needed the sleep. Much to my frustration, Doctor Metzger said many things I also didn’t want to hear or believe.Knowing he only had a month with me before we’d have to switch to Zoom calls, he decided to go hard at me. We dug deep into the relationship with my mother, forcing me to face some deeply hidden pain. It’s hard enough to lose someone you loved unconditionally. It’s so much worse when that person was the only member of your family who believed in you and could see the good through all the bad you’d done. My mother was the one constant shining light in my life, but she was gone, snuffed out before her time by an insidious disease.I mean, I still had Stephanie. Even if she wasn’t a blood relation and wasn’t exactly mine. Steph was my friend and a bright light in a building full of blackened souls. Casey seemed to be another innocent ray of sunlight to brighten our world. However, I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t exactly tried to get to know Casey. At first, she seemed so fragile, but later, Lester became super protective of her. While it was good to see my partner and best friend find his soulmate, I’m a little embarrassed to admit to a smidge of jealousy. So, to avoid misdirecting that jealousy onto Casey, I instead kept my distance.Honestly, it wasn’t that difficult to keep her at arm’s length. Between her being wary of all of us men and my problems, avoiding her was easy. Then came the Pfeiffer incident. That was another sensitive topic Doctor Metzger refused to allow me to skirt. We talked at length about my actions that night and my lingering guilt. He made me consider how working with Maddie might dredge up those feelings and techniques I could use to counteract them. He agreed with everyone who said I did what I needed to do that night to protect her and Casey. It took some time for me to step back and separate myself from the situation. However, when I was finally able to view the event from an outside and unbiased angle, it was easy to see I made the right decision. Pfeiffer was a dangerous man with no redeeming qualities. He had no intention of stopping and needed to be neutralized.With Doctor Metzger’s help, I also began to understand how the guilt I felt for Pfeiffer’s family was misplaced. He chose to turn evil. He chose to place his family in a no-win situation and to put them through hell. While I can and should sympathize with their loss and grief, I should NOT feel guilty for doing my job or protecting the innocent. The ability to separate my empathy from my guilt ended up being such a freeing feeling.So was the realization that just because I shared DNA with someone didn’t automatically make them family. I’ve wrestled for years with the knowledge that my siblings didn’t like me. A couple didn’t approve of my joining the military or my current vocation. The others always saw me as the golden child because I was the baby and so much younger than the rest of my siblings. Because of that, Mom and Dad were always a little more protective of me, which, in my sibling’s eyes, equaled being the favorite. As adults, holiday gatherings were always tense and filled with subtle jabs about my life choices. My nieces and nephews were kept at a distance because my siblings worried that my mental stability, as a soldier, was questionable. My oldest sister flat out told me she refused to risk her children being subject to an unstable loose canon.Not being close to them and not having their support hurt, but living with their continued disapproval and derogatory statements took its toll on me. I’m not sure when exactly it happened, but, at some point, I began believing the nonsense they spouted about me. I was broken, damaged, and unworthy of being loved.Doctor Metzger made me see how damaging those thoughts were. He also convinced me it was toxic to try and keep my siblings in my life. I already had a built-in family at Rangeman who loved me for who I was. While it was sad, and I was allowed to grieve the loss of people who should have been there for me, it wasn’t healthy to continue with those relationships.Knowing I couldn’t make my siblings like me without completely changing who I was stung, but I knew Doctor Metzger was correct, and while I would remain in touch with Dad, for my mental health, I needed to have no contact with everyone else.Between these conversations with Doctor Metzger, I began to venture out of the penthouse. At first, it was only to go down to three and use the gym. Then, as I began to feel better, I started stepping outside of the Rangeman building. Each day, I chose one of the Spoil Islands in the bay to visit. I’d spend some time walking the island, enjoying the feel of the sand between my toes and the people I didn’t know, having fun and exploring the island’s interior. I’d process my conversations with Doctor Metzger and formulate plans for changes I needed to make to better my future.Each time I repeated the process, I would choose a different island to visit. When I ran out of islands to explore, I made my way down to Bill Baggs Cape Florida State Park. I even grabbed a cheap hotel room close to the park, so I could stay an extra day to explore everything. Some might think that spending so much time alone would only add to my depression. Instead, I found it relaxing and, to a degree, comforting. Not having the pressures and noises of Rangeman eased my mind. Being able to take the time to analyze my situation fully without the opinions and advice of others meant so much to me.It was refreshing to sometimes simply enjoy the moment for what it was instead of always needing to be worried about my surroundings. During those moments, I was simply Eric Ramsey, an American citizen and tourist and nothing more. The more I talked with Doctor Metzger, the more I began to zero in on what and when I started my spiral. With his help, I was able to identify triggers and even practiced a few relaxation and thought diversion techniques to prevent me from relapsing.When I told him how I felt my soul was black from the things I’d done and how I knew I was destined for hell, he reminded me how people could change. While I couldn’t alter my past, I could change my future. It wasn’t too late to erase some of the black marks I believed I carried. I could do that by performing good deeds for others. My work with the Boys and Girls Club through Rangeman was a good start, but I should look for opportunities to do more. When my flight landed in Philadelphia, my mind was still churning with ideas.Tank assured me he’d have someone from Rangeman there to pick me up so I wouldn’t have to spend a ridiculous amount of money on an Uber or spend a stupid amount of time switching trains to get back to Trenton.I followed the other passengers off the plane and grabbed my duffle from baggage claim before heading out to the predetermined pickup area. That’s where I found Lester leaning against the front of his SUV with his arms folded across his chest. Damn. This wasn’t a conversation I’d been prepared to have so soon.“Welcome back,” he said as he reached for my duffle bag. The moment he didn’t wait for my reply and instead walked to the back of the SUV to toss my bag inside, I knew I was in for a solid ass chewing. To be fair, it wasn’t like I didn’t deserve it.Instead, I climbed into the passenger seat and secured my seatbelt. Lester slid behind the wheel, secured his belt, started the engine, then put the vehicle in drive. Not once did he look at me. We were nearly past the sports complexes before he finally spoke. “You broke your promise to me.”Way to go right for the throat, pal. “Technically, I didn’t,” I replied.“Explain,” he ordered without looking at me.“You told me not to drink and drive, and I didn’t,” I began. “You told me not to do anything desperate, and I didn’t.”“I’m pretty sure I said don’t do anything stupid,” he argued. “Giving yourself alcohol poisoning and making everyone worry about you falls into that category.”I couldn’t argue that point with him. I had been incredibly stupid. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry,” I said.“It’s a start,” Lester replied, and I caught the hard swallow that followed.Knowing I’d upset him and made him needlessly worry about me caused a new wave of guilt to wash over me. “If it will make you feel any better, you can call me to the mats,” I offered.“Oh, you can bet your ass we’ll be meeting on the mats,” he confirmed. “But as your best friend, I deserve a real explanation.”“The only thing I can say is that mentally, I was in a dark place and I made a bad decision.”“Look, I get the whole being in a dark place mentally part,” he said. “We’ve all been there on occasion, but Ranger assigned Brett to you that night as a favor to me. I was worried about you. Not only did you get Brett in trouble for purposely ditching him, but you worried the people who care about you most, and you completely disregarded my concern.”“I’m sorry,” I said again. “I didn’t mean to do any of those things. In the moment, I was just so desperate to go numb so I’d stop feeling the constant pain.”“You know that kind of pain never goes away completely,” he replied. “You have two choices: learn to live with it or end it all. There is no in-between.”I did know. I also knew it wasn’t long ago that Lester was in a bad mindset. Somehow, he muddled through, and thankfully, he found Casey. Her love is what finally pulled him out of his funk.Unfortunately, I don’t have someone like that to make me happy. For a brief second, thoughts of Maddie passed through my brain, and I nearly frowned. Why in the hell was I thinking about her?“You’re right, of course,” I agreed. Silence once again fell between us as he continued his drive up I-95. We had just passed the exit for Woodhaven Road when he spoke again. “Did you get what you needed in Miami?”I considered his question carefully before answering. He wanted to know if I was better or at least found some peace in my life while being there. While I couldn’t, in good conscience, tell him I was all better, I could give him some reassurances. “I think I did,” I replied.He cut a glance at me. “You think?”“Well, Doctor Metzger helped a lot, but I think the biggest help was just being able to rest and recharge. I pretty much did nothing but sleep the first week I was there.”“Sounds a lot like depression to me,” he grumbled.“Yeah, I know,” I replied. “But with Dr. Metzger’s help, I’m focused and ready to get back to work.”He took the exit for Street Road and then glanced at me again. “You sure you have your head on straight now?”Realizing he was choosing to take Route 13 instead of going I-95 to I-295, I knew he was buying extra time for our conversation. “I do,” I replied. “I know I’m going to have to earn back some trust, but I’m ready to face whatever consequences that comes from what I did.”He appeared to consider my answer as he navigated onto Route 13. “You should know that Ranger has you scheduled for monitor duty for the next few weeks.”Fuck me! I wasn’t surprised by this news, but I had hoped that Ranger might be a little lenient. Though, I really couldn’t blame him. The stunt I pulled was extreme, and I’d need to prove I could be trusted again. “I expected as much,” I finally replied as I raked a hand through my hair. “I broke his trust, and I’ll have to earn that back.”“It's not just his trust,” Lester said, side-eyed. I hate not having you as a partner in the field. “But I have a pregnant wife to consider now. So, I need to know you won’t pull any more stupid stunts or fail to be there when I need you.”His disappointment in me was like a knife to the heart. I’d let my best friend down in such a huge way, and that hurt nearly as much as losing my mother to cancer. I nodded. “I understand. Who are you partnering with?”“Raphael,” he replied. Raphael was a solid pick for a partner. He was better than average with a weapon, took direction well, and had developed impeccable instincts. “He’s a good choice,” I said despite the sting of knowing I’d been replaced.“He is,” Lester agreed. “But he’s not you. I want my partner back, so don’t fuck up again.”I wouldn’t, but verbal assurances mean nothing in our work. I’d need to prove I was of sound mind and capable of returning to the street to run patrols and pick up FTAs. Unfortunately, that would take time.