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The month of December came with surprises for everyone. The season of the flu meant packed hospitals and busy doctors. It was like in winter, people got dumber and cranked out accidents as if they were indestructible. As usual, the ER is always packed with injured individuals – a madhouse in essence – and doctors from all specialties are put together in the infection hive of bacteria and viruses.
It was no surprise when Andrews announced the position for chief of surgery was open again one week after the 1st of December. The work from the two highest positions were too much to handle even for him. So, the competition was then set between Lim, Melendez, Nelson and Phillips, four worthy candidates of the title. Bets were immediately established, with people putting their money on the one they thought was best, but, of course, not excluding the factors of their personal drama. Everyone knew the hardest battle would be held between the two most prestigious surgeons in the department, who were, at the same time, ex-lovers.It has been 8 months since their break-up, eight excruciating months of ghosting and suffering in silence. They are both too stubborn to admit they are still hurting and perhaps, regretting their decision. The four months they spent sharing heartfelt “I love you” ’s are still daunting on them, turning their stomachs upside-down and making their hearts ache whenever they pass by each other on the halls of the hospital, or when they have brief (sometimes lengthy) medical-related discussions. It’s more than they can bare, but they push through, because their duty will always be to the patient. Letting personal feelings slip into their work life is what pushed them apart in the first place, so the best they can do is learn to be professional – and only professional – with each other. Their late-night chatter with a glass of whiskey in hand is now long gone, as sorting things out and maybe trying to turn back to being friends is a hassle too big to swallow. They both resort to grieving their relationship in silence, neither of them making any progress towards fixing the fading “I love you” ’s that are scattered in their minds, or gluing back the broken pieces of their hearts, aching to be caressed and heard.Eight months of texts that were almost sent, words that were almost said out loud and gestures that were almost initiated have passed. They are both scared, or rather terrified of admitting they made a mistake, that the words shared in a moment of panic and anger are something they absolutely want to take and shove back down their throats. But the most important question lays suspended in the air, patiently waiting to be answered: Will their love ever be enough?
She hates their shallow conversations, their lack of understanding. She hates what they’ve become. And she misses him – so much. So much that seeing him everyday hurts, knowing they will never be the same. So much that Claire has noticed (not like she’s always the first to do so), Glassman has noticed, hell, the whole department knows something’s wrong with them. She tries to bury her feelings as hard as she can, but sometimes, she fails – and she despises this. It makes her sick to know that this time, she can’t put up a brick wall and shelter herself from pain. Yet, somewhere, at the back of her mind, there’s a quiet voice telling her that maybe it’s not too bad. Maybe it’s time for him to see how much suffering he caused, how badly he bruised her with his words and feel bad about what has come of their relationship. Deep down, a selfish part of her wants Melendez to hurt as well, to regret everything more than she does, to recognize how wrong he was. He needed to fight more, to prove he cared for her enough to admit he was wrong. Maybe she needed to fight more.Their love was like poison that traveled through their veins until it infiltrated their hearts. And then it stung – hard. The poison reached their mouths and overflowed. He said their relationship “kills people”. Now, the effects of the poison have not yet faded, as those words echo in her head whenever she thinks of him. Those words doubt her every decision, every cut, every stitch, every gesture. They are embedded into her mind and it drives her crazy. It makes her yearn for at least a moment of relief, a second where the weigh of her heartbreak doesn’t crush her anymore. She could be freed from the pressure, but it means a sacrifice which had never, in her 13 years of working in St. Bonaventure, brought her anything but displeasure. She had to find another job.One sorrow night, as she browsed the internet in search for a distraction, Audrey stumbled upon an article from SJ General, talking about their new technology and improvements in the treatments of cancer. From one link to another, she found herself reading about their Traumatology Department and their job offers for higher ranking positions. As she brought the glass of cheap wine to her mouth, something got her attention: ‘Head of Trauma – Available post’. Suddenly, the dreadful solution she tried to ignore was presenting itself as a perfect opportunity for a fresh start. Was it really wise to leave her second home, her friends, her colleagues? All to forget a face painted in her retina, to save herself from drowning in the ticking bomb that displayed as her sanity. So, that night, already tipsy from the absurd amount of wine she consumed, she read more about what the job had to offer and made the subconscious decision that it would be better if she leaves all those years of friendship behind and start a new life, away from the constant reminder that she didn’t do enough. Of course, the drunken decision never left her mind, but remained somewhat silent whenever she was at the hospital. Maybe it was guilt, maybe it was fear, but there sure was something holding her back from getting that interview and nailing it. She knows how much she’d miss seeing his face and hearing his voice, even if it’s no longer intimate, loving, how she got used to up until eight months ago.The day of the decision is fast approaching, one day remaining to stretch out the tension in the air. Audrey had always dreamed of running the department and proving how much she deserves to work in that hospital, in those operating rooms. She’s eager to see Andrews’ lips spell her name as he announces the new chief of surgery and then hear the faded voice in her head whisper ‘You did it.’. Her eagerness is accompanied by a feeling of fear lingering in her mind. She has to be perfect and operate with utmost precision. She must leave her feelings last, this time. And on top of the ordeal lays something else, bigger and way more complicated. It’s Neil.Every time they look at each other, Neil has a smile on his face, something to reassure her (or maybe himself) that he still sees her, that he still cares for her, that he’ll never forget her. It doesn’t quite reach his eyes the same as it used to, but it’s there, it’s a smile. Audrey always returns it, be it weary or joyful. She makes sure he sees her too, she makes sure he knows she’s still there. But today was different. Today, his smile was absent.She did her usual rounds from the first floor to the ER, switching from patient to patient, joggling charts from a nurses’ station to another. As she finishes another page with her signature, she raises her gaze and catches Melendez’s face with her eyes. He has just turned from around the corner and is walking parallel to the station, his head hanging above the ground and his shoulders let down in a defeated stance. She watches intently, waiting for him to look up and flash a smile to continue their established routine. And she waits. The seconds are ticking by loudly in her head, yet he never moves his lips. Instead, when he finally spots her, his face deepens into a sorrow image. The white lights of the corridor shine brightly and disclose his watery eyes staring into hers before darting away as he mindlessly checks his watch, even if he is already aware of where the clock hands are pointed. This gesture confuses Lim. Her eyes follow him until the last second, hoping he’d turn his head and reveal an actual grin, just a slight curve of his mouth. But he doesn’t, and it worries her even more. She can’t go after him and act all concerned after not exchanging a single nice word for the past eight months, so she’s left there wondering if there’s even a problem or if she’s just inflicting imaginary doubts onto herself. He could just be having a bad day; it is none of her business.What she doesn’t know is that he looked back as he passed, his heart yearning to see her one last time.The day passes and Lim is ready to clock out. As she steps through the ER, Jingle Bells starts playing in the speakers and she stops. Memories of last year get replayed in her mind as her eyes scan the room. How the two patients came into the ER, how Shaun noticed their similar rashes, how she helplessly tried to save them, how she saw the rash appear on her hand. How she almost died. Jingle Bells is now a song that brings ugly recollections of her Christmas. But maybe there are some good ones, too. How the race for chief of surgery between her and Melendez led to them getting played by Andrews. The virus made them realize how short life could be and was a last push to them finally having the guts to confess their feelings for one another. She only wished the song could have had a happy ending, an ending where they can still kiss each other goodnight, where they can still hold hands, where they don’t need to love behind closed walls of fear and fury. The Christmas tree stands robustly in a corner, getting all the attention. Its flickering lights and warming colors bring a feeling of joy and calmness over most people – that’s what holidays are for. Yet, Audrey doesn’t really like this time of year. Maybe it’s selfish (and it most certainly is), but seeing everyone be so happy with their families and friends, knowing people go home to houses full of laughter and love makes her bitter. She always works during the holidays, because it’s better than to go home to an empty apartment and stare outside her window, reminiscing about what-not. It’s painful to spend your holidays alone, so she does everyone a favor and takes the hours of doctors who have a reason to celebrate these festivities.She walks out, nodding at the staff coming in for the night and notices Neil outside, holding a piece of paper with the hospital’s logo printed on it. She swears she’s seen that file before, but she can’t quite grasp what it’s for. He quickly hides it back in his coat as the snowflakes begin to fall. A part of Audrey wants to go and wish him a happy Christmas. She knows he never works during the holidays, because his family is always waiting to spend time together. But why should she do it? He should be the one to think about this, he’s the one who hurt her. He needs to apologize, not her. Perhaps a day without him roaming the hospital was all she needed. A day when she doesn’t have to worry about seeing him and hurting. So, she turns on her heels and walks in the opposite direction, just as Neil’s gaze catches her figure in the dark. But he doesn’t go after her, it’s too late. After all, tomorrow is the big day. Andrews is going to announce his decision to one of them.
Christmas is here. Groups of caroling children sing on the streets and Audrey beams as much as her tired body allows. The hospital is almost empty, with staff scattered around in every section and very few patients coming in. She thought she could push through, but she feels miserable. The weight of this unfortunate day brings her into a state of overwhelming emotions threatening to burst and she resorts to hiding in her office for as long as she can. The only sound echoing between the walls is the rhythmic ticking of her pen as she stares into space. She starts to feel somewhat dozy, but she’s bolted awake by the ringing of her phone. It’s Andrews. He wants to meet her in his office. She immediately comes back to her senses and rushes out the door, fixing her hair on the way to the president’s office. It is, indeed, a big day. She got the promotion and will start working next day if she’s up to it, but there’s no doubt that she’s prepared to jump right into her chief duties. She feels dizzy from the excitement, unconsciously grinning like a weirdo for the first minutes of her meeting with Andrews. Audrey Lim, Chief of Surgery! She will prove how much she deserves this title, how hard she worked for it. Her new office is to be established the next day, and Ms. Aoki will schedule a meeting for further technical details, but it’s official! Audrey squeals quietly with excitement as she exits the office, but in her waterfall of thoughts appears a name, a name she wishes she forgot about. She will be the superior of Neil. He will have to pass decisions by her, to spend so much more time with her. How will she manage to be objective given their current situation? He will hate her even more as time flies by, and she will start to hate him too. He will resent her for getting the role he dreamed of, she’s sure. They need to talk... But not today. No, today is about her. She got the best Christmas present she could ever wish for and it’s not going to waste.Time flew by in an instant, as she did short escapades to the ER while she cleaned up her office and not once did she have to see Melendez’s face. Great. The evening is approaching steadily and all that’s left to do is pack up and shake hands with Andrews one last time. She goes to his office, but stops dead in her tracks when she sees an unaccompanied file on the desk of his assistant. It has Neil’s name written in big letters and two words beneath it that make her heart sink: ‘Resignation Letter’. She can feel her whole body get tense, the hair on her arms spiking up. Her breath gets shallow and she picks up the paper with sweaty hands, scramming the words that all of a sudden look blurry. It was not yet reviewed by Andrews; it is just a draft for the official letter Neil was meant to give him. She doesn’t even acknowledge the confused voice of her boss calling her name. She slams the stack of folders she held on the desk and rushes to Melendez’s office, her mind thinking about a million things at once.
He’s not there. He’s gone. Most of his stuff is already in little boxes, but one thing remains untouched on his table. The dollar he won after their childish bet four years ago is siting triumphally in a clear mold, without even the smallest scratch. She picks it up, tears welling up in her eyes. As she rotates it in her hands, something catches her attention. ‘Forever with you’ was written in black, a tiny glass of alcohol drawn next to it. Audrey can hear her heartbeat sending shivers through her whole body, but she doesn’t allow the tears to fall freely on her cheeks. She wipes one loose drop that already reached her lips and lets out a sigh filled with anguish and despair. She can hear the breath of another person arriving behind her, but her body is stuck staring at the things she will forever miss.“Audrey.”The voice is all to familiar, all too heard. It’s shaky, painful. Her eyes widen and her heart screams to respond, but all she manages is to turn her head and lock eyes with the man. With her dear friend. And lover. Ex-lover.“I’m so sorry.” He speaks again, this time softer, remorseful.“Don’t you think I deserve a goodbye? It could’ve been a damn text, it doesn’t even matter! Do I mean so little to you?” Audrey shouts, her eyes red. It feels like he just shattered her heart in thousands of pieces. He betrayed her trust and her feelings and thinks a stupid apology is going to cut it?Neil can feel a lump form in his throat when he sees the woman he never stopped loving crying because of him. He hurt her one too many times and none of it can be undone.“I can’t stay here and ruin your job. I know how much I still care for you. It would be too hard to be your subordinate and not spike up conflicts. I want you to fulfill your dream.” He said as he took a step closer.She was about to let it all out, all of the thoughts and feelings she kept hidden from the world. He has no right to torture her like this. But as his words played in her head one last time, she realized something.“How did you know about my promotion?” She asks, searching for answers in his eyes. Neil looks at her and forms a tired smile, slightly shrugging his shoulders.“News travel fast.”Audrey recalls what she saw the previous night. The paper he was holding looked exactly the same as the one she had to sign today, to accept the position of chief. Suddenly, the jigsaw fell into place. One by one, she connects the dots. She wishes the ground could swallow her whole.“No. Andrews went to you first,” she whispers, her voice trembling. “You turned down the job.”Neil slowly shuts the door behind him and walks closer to her. He wants to hold her hands, to feel her warmth. He sketches a move with one hand, but Audrey immediately pulls back. She can’t handle this anymore.“I hurt you. I am the biggest idiot this world has seen and I know no words can make up for how much suffering I’ve brought to you. I’ve been thinking of leaving St. Bon’s for a while now. It’s too painful to look you in the eyes and not be able to tell you how much I miss you. I refused the job to give you the opportunity to thrive. You were right, I “only want it for the pretty title”. You worked your ass off to be where you are now and I swore not to steal what’s left of your happiness. I couldn’t bear to see you on Christmas without it being a reminder of how I failed our relationship.” He ranted, tears falling down his cheeks.Her knees feel weak, barely holding her up anymore. This man, this insufferable and arrogant man she loves so much is standing in front of her, his soul bare.“Then you’re not leaving. You were wrong, you needed to fight more. Prove to me you have changed. What you are doing now is the opposite of fighting to make things right. Did you think that maybe I still love you too?”Her words sting. They are the harsh truth and reality of his cowardness.“I thought you hated me, Audrey, and you have every right to feel nothing but resentment towards me. I was never the partner you deserved. Instead of supporting you, I panicked when I saw how vulnerable I suddenly got around you. Falling for you made me change and it scared me. I don’t want to be the source of your pain, again.” Neil confesses.“I don’t hate you, moron! I could never hate you,” Audrey says, barely above a whisper.His heart is wounded, feeling like a bunch of stabs are being pushed deeper into its core.“I’m so sorry... I will change; I want to fix everything.” He says, cupping her cheeks and rubbing a tear off her face. Their eyes speak volumes, both yearning for closure. “I love you so much, Audrey Lim. I have never loved someone so deeply and it scares me.”“I’m scared, too. But it will never be enough to suppress how much I love you.” She utters, her eyes filled with sorrow. “Please don’t leave.”Today, St. Bonaventure got veiled with the spirit of Christmas and the blessings that came with it. Today, Melendez didn’t leave the building with tears of grief. Today, Lim put the first piece of her heart back in its place. Today, the mistletoe watching over the hospital witnessed two hearts unveil the love they had been hiding from the world. It watched as their lips met and unleashed emotions eating them from the inside. A kiss so tender and attentive marked the start of a new path, a new beginning. Today, in the blissful day of Christmas, they found a forever place in each other’s hearts. Today, they learned their love is more than enough.