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Life has its pace, and for Jiang Cheng, it was always too fast. Year after year, he’s tried to counter it in every possible way, but no matter how calm or stern he appeared, his thoughts were still racing in his mind, like leaves carried by a storm.There are ways to slow it down, if only for a little while. Working, for example. Work has its own, reassuring pace, and luckily, he’s never been afraid of hard work. When he was young, he would split his days in sword fighting lessons, and try and try and try again, until his body was as one with Sandu and his mind only had to focus on his lungs breathing.Leading a sect is similar: there’s a way it all has to go, and he just has to follow it. With his life broken down into goals, laws and tasks, he doesn’t feel powerless.Still, today work seems to be doing very little to help him. Between his usual duties and Jin Ling’s new position in his clan, he’s had plenty to worry about, and he didn’t even have time to follow him on his night hunt. Deep down, he knows that his nephew was probably pleased with the fact.Though he is surely busy, he had expected it to be much worse. He had imagined madness and doubt spreading through the sects, endless discussions and fragile agreements forming between them. He was almost anticipating the chaos. Instead, the cultivators had adjusted to their new world easily, like actors swapping their mask with a new one before running back on stage. As if the world hadn’t broken in two inside that temple.A disciple has just brought him a message and before dismissing him, he asks him if his nephew is back.“Not yet, zongzhu.” the disciple says, “He’s sent word that they’ve been delayed.”Jiang Cheng exhales through his nose: “As usual. When he’s back, tell him I need to speak with him.”The disciple nods and bows before leaving the room. His head feels quite heavy.His mother would always say that Yanli was the only thing keeping her from losing her mind. When something was frustrating her, she would close her eyes, and press her fingers down on her temples, as if she wanted to make a hole in her head. Afterwards, the skin on her temples was a bit reddened, but at least to him, she seemed as good as new.“Your mother has the patience of a sage, A-Cheng.” she used to tell him, “And you’ll have to bear twice as much when you are the leader of this sect.”He can almost see her, her brow furrowed with a rage always deeper and older than it looked, pressing it back in her head. He takes his own head in his hands with a sigh, and pushes down with his fingertips. It works for a bit, until he recognizes the sigil of the Qinghe Nie clan on the message.The anguish it gives him is new and unexpected, but as strong as all his old fears. Despite that, the message inside is nothing out of the ordinary: a group of Nie disciples caused a commotion during a night hunt, and the sect is sending an apology.“Of course,” he thinks, pushing the missive under a stack of papers, “Why would it be anything unusual? On the surface, nothing has changed for him. And nobody will ever dig past the surface.”More than fear, what he feels is anger. Envy. Envy for a man that has managed to make a change without suffering any consequences. Of all the changes Jiang Cheng has tried to make, all is left is his mistakes.But since he already got what he wanted, he has nothing to fear form Huaisang, and he has to treat him with all the due respect, even though he envies him. Men like him are perhaps more dangerous as friends than as enemies, but they are indispensable as allies.There’s a strange feeling in his throat, almost like nausea, and a far memory comes back to his mind.
He’s carrying someone on his back, and he’s very irritated at him. He feels like he knows this young man, but he just can’t remember his name. He knows he should stop getting in trouble though, if he doesn’t want Jiang Cheng to break his legs.
Another boy is walking behind them; he’s hiding his face behind a fan, and Jiang Cheng can only see glimpses of him. He can’t remember his name either.
He misses them, without even knowing why.
Jiang Cheng screws his eyes shut and pushes the memory away. Half of the night has already passed, when he hears the disciple making his way back to his room. There is another pair of feet, slower and more unsure than the other, stepping down on the wooden floor.“This way, Jin-zongzhu.” the disciple says, loud enough for him to hear clearly, “Your uncle wants to speak with you. Careful there, careful!”When the two step in, at first Jiang Cheng thinks that Jin Ling must be injured, but it doesn’t take him long to understand what’s really going on. The disciple is holding him up with one arm, and already excusing himself profusely as he leads his nephew into the room. Jin Ling takes a couple of unsteady steps towards the table and nearly trips into it.“Jiujiu!” he exclaims, leaning over the table to greet him. The bitter smell of his breath does nothing but prove Jiang Cheng’s thoughts right.“Zongzhu, his party is being hosted in the…”“Thank you for bringing him here.” he quickly adds, “I can handle him now.”When the disciple leaves, Jin Ling waves at him, and Jiang Cheng’s head starts pounding again.“Can you explain why you were delayed?”His nephew nods: “We came across a group of fierce corpses, and one of them almost bit my fingers off. Then, one of the disciples was injured and we had to bring him away from the fight… One of the corpses even tried to steal my sword. Can you imagine that?”Jiang Cheng listens in silence, slowly breathing out of his nose.“And at what point of this ridiculous fight you are recounting did you decide it was a good idea to get drunk?”“I’m not drunk, I swear it.” Jin Ling quickly says, “I did drink, but only after we had handled the fierce corpses.”Jiang Cheng makes the widest and most insincere smile he can possibly conjure and starts clapping.“Let’s rejoice then! Should I praise you for having a single shred of discernment?”The claps echo in the silent room, falling like hammers on his head.“We were already on the way back,” Jin Ling says, hesitant, “and Jingyi had something to drink. I didn’t think there was any risk.”Jiang Cheng covers his face with his hands.“I had everything under control.” Jin Ling adds, giving Jiang Cheng the last push.“Give it to me.” he says.His nephew blinks a couple of times: “Jiujiu, I don’t understand, I…”“I know you still have some. Hand it over.”Jin Ling reluctantly takes a three quarters full jar of liquor out of his pouch and gives it to him. Jiang Cheng opens it, and the smell is almost familiar, sweet and sour at once. Then, he gulps half of it down in one sip.Jin Ling screams in surprise, and tries to take the jar back.“Quiet down, there’s people sleeping.” Jiang Cheng says, as he feels the liquor’s taste spreading warm on his tongue, “You’ve had plenty enough already.”Jin Ling’s mouth is still wide open: “But… why?”“My day was long.” he says, slowly, “And you’re not a child anymore. I don’t have time to spend my days scolding you, Jin Ling. If you can’t understand your responsibilities, I might as well let you. I’m tired.”His nephew doesn’t answer, and only stares back at him with numb eyes. He knows those eyes. There was once a time when he would have died to stop them from crying, and now he’s acting like he doesn’t care.Jiang Cheng takes another, smaller sip. Jin Ling needs this, he tells himself. After all, scolding a child is just another way of spoiling them. It’s just another way of paying attention to them.“I understand.” he finally says, his voice much less euphoric than before, “I know that I made a mistake, and I will do better. Now, there’s people who depend on me, and I shouldn’t depend on anyone to help me behave in the right way. The fault is all mine. But I do know the weight of my responsibilities, and I know how important it is to make sacrifices.”Something gets stuck in Jiang Cheng’s throat, and it grows until there’s no air anymore. “Don’t speak so lightly of sacrifice.” he says, “It’s very noble of you, and very foolish.”Jin Ling tilts his head to the side and frowns: “Sacrifice is necessary for a good leader.”Jiang Cheng can’t stop himself from laughing a short, hoarse laugh.“Oh, it is, it is, but you still shouldn’t take it lightly. Many terrible things are necessary.”Jin Ling smiles a little: “I was always fascinated by greatness.” he says, “Now, I think that it can only be seen in sacrifice.”Jiang Cheng’s head feels lighter, but he knows it won’t last. He looks at his nephew and he sees his life, flowing like water before his eyes.
He has a baby in his arms, and his hands are trembling. He’s afraid he might break if he holds him too tight.
“A-Cheng, you’re shaking.” Yanli says, smiling at him.
His eyes sting with tears, almost blinded by her smile.
“I’m sorry, A-jie,” he says, still looking at the small precious life in his arms, “I’m just scared for him. He looks so… helpless.”
His sister laughs: “I know, I know. We had the same thought when we saw him the first time.” she puts a hand on his arm, “But he has nothing to fear: there’s plenty of brave heroes around him.”
She takes her son into her arms and starts cradling him, as he clutches her robes in his little hands.
“You have your dad and your mom, and A-Cheng and A-Xian, and everyone in our clans.” she whispers, “And you are so very loved.”
Jiang Cheng has seen that infant grow. He’s seen him cry, and heard his first words, and he’s lived long enough to see him hold his father’s sword. That baby is a man now, and in spite of him, he’s a good man.Jiang Cheng is not good with words, but he needs Jin Ling to understand, he wants him to know. At least, he has to try. He puts the jar down on the table.“So, you say that there’s nothing greater than sacrifice. You could be right. Can you tell me why?”Jin Ling instinctively straightens his back before answering: “When many people follow you and trust you, they matter more than you. It’s a duty as much as it is an honor.” there’s something somber in his eyes, “There’s pride in it, obviously, but protecting them is what matters most, no matter the price.”“He’s changed.” Jiang Cheng thinks, and relief spreads sweet in his chest. He wasn’t mad to expect something to change.“That is all true.” he says, “With the right reason to, a man will do anything. For their people, a leader won’t hesitate an instant to sacrifice their life and more. They will cross every limit there is.”“Attempt the impossible” Jin Ling recites, “Is this what it means, jiujiu?”For a moment, Jiang Cheng freezes. He hears his clan’s words every day, spoken by a hundred different mouths, but he can’t remember the last time he has heard Jin Ling utter them. His father’s words sting like a thousand sharp needles.“Perhaps it is.” he finally says, after taking another sip, “But you need to understand this: for the people making it, sacrifice is not a hard choice.”“What do you mean?”He breaths in: “To everyone desperate enough to consider it, sacrifice is the easiest choice in the world. When all you care about is at stake, death is easy. The impossible becomes the only path you see.”Jiang Cheng closes his eyes.
He’s seventeen again, and he knows that he won’t make it. He’s running down a narrow street, mud covering the dried blood on his shoes, and he knows that they will catch him.
Even if he manages to outrun them now, they will always find him, be it in the next city or in the next war, running away like a pig to the slaughter. Even if he survives today, his parents and his clan will stay dead, nameless bodies on the ground, and his anger will be as useless as it was before.
He’s going to die, and for the first time in weeks, he feels at peace. He didn’t even think before running, it was as easy as breathing.
He’s seventeen again, and for once in his life, he knows that he is doing the right thing.
“If a man is trapped in a burning tower, he won’t worry about breaking his legs to jump out of the window. Great men rarely imagine the consequences of their noble acts.”For a while, Jin Ling doesn’t reply and only looks back at him, with something close to pity in his eyes. He’s seen it before, in the eyes of the men that tried to kill him, and of the ones that traded their life for his, and he’s hated it, every single time. It’s even worse in Jin Ling’s eyes.“I don’t think the liquor is good for your head.” Jin Ling says after a long pause, “Jiujiu, if you’re tired, maybe we should just put this matter to sleep…”The jar shatters on the floor where he has thrown it, and something snaps inside him. It’s rage and pain, and terror all at once.“No!” he screams, and the sudden, familiar panic makes his heart run faster, “No, you need this! You have to understand or it will happen again.”Slowly, carefully, his nephew makes him sit down again, and keeps a firm hand on his shoulder.“It only ever gets worse.” he chokes, “If I don’t help you, you will find some noble fucking way to ruin your life, and I will have to watch.”He feels the tears in his eyes, his words come out through sobbing breaths, and he tries to fight them. As always, he fights in vain.
There’s a different hand on his shoulder now, and it’s enough to keep him together. His chest feels warm with joy and suddenly, everything is fine.
There’s no war raging at his door, and no threat to his family. There’s no disappointment in his mother’s eyes, and no fear in his soul.
Jiang Cheng feels so… light. As long as this hand stays on his shoulder, there’s nothing he’s not good enough for.
“So what if the Gusu Lan Sect has its Two Jades?” Wei Wuxian says, “The Yunmeng Jiang Sect will have its Two Prides!”
There’s a strange sense of relief in the tears running down his cheeks.“My father was right.” he thinks, “I’ve never lived by the words of the Jiang Sect.”The only words he’s ever lived by were his brother’s. A foolish promise, made by a man who still believed they would have never died.“I can’t watch it happen again.” Jin Ling nods once and sits down next to him: “Tell me, then. Tell me what I need to know.”Jiang Cheng wishes he would scream at him, but instead, he’s trying to help him. He can’t even bring himself to look at him, but Jin Ling still trusts him.He breathes out and for once, tries to tell the truth.“I’m afraid that one day, you will wake up and realize that nothing in your life went the way you wanted. No matter how much good you had, how much you’ve sacrificed, you still destroyed it in the end. I’m afraid you will be a good man, because I know how good men die, and I’m afraid you will become cruel, and I won’t even realize it. More than anything, I’m afraid you’ll grow up to be like me.”
His sister stands in front of him, draped in her funeral robes, and she’s holding her son close to her chest.
“Please, A-Cheng, take care of him.” she says, “If anything ever happens to me, promise me that you will take care of him.”
“Me?” is all he manages to say.
Yanli smiles: “I want him to be happy, and there’s nobody else I would want to take care of him.”
“I want you to have a good life, and I want you to be happy, but I know that it won’t be easy.”Without leaving Jin Ling’s side, he picks up the pieces of the jar.“We always try to give sacrifice some kind of greater meaning: we call it brave, or noble, or necessary, but the truth is that we are afraid of it. Caring about someone enough to give up our life for them scares us. It’s terrifying, to love someone that much.Suddenly, you’re not the one in control of your fate, it’s them. Every decision you make for the people you love turns into the thin thread of a web, and day by day, that web shrinks around you. Affection turns into envy and regret, and the tangle never lets you free. It doesn’t matter how much you kick and squirm or hurt the people you love, you can never get out of it. They are the ones that made you who you are, and you can’t undo it.”His eyes are dry, and Jiang Cheng feels drained. Empty.“It never stops, and mistake after mistake, you only make it worse. Guilt eats you, like a flame eats the wax of a candle, and leaves a hole in its place. And you’re left wondering if the hole hasn’t been there all along, smaller, perhaps, merely a crack that you could never fix.And then one day you wake up, and all your anger and guilt was for nothing. It didn’t make you better, all you did was hurt them more, but it’s been going on for so long that anger and guilt is all you have left.”
“I’m sorry. I broke my promise.”
“I would rather die than see it happen to you.”He doesn’t protest when Jin Ling hesitantly pulls him into a hug. Despite the warm feeling spreading in his chest, he starts to shiver.“Thank you.” he says, “And don’t you dare let me drink ever again.”“I won’t.” Jin Ling says, before he lets go of him, “Jiujiu, can I ask a question now?”“Obviously you can.”“Were they worth it?” he says “The people you loved, were they worth all of this?”The worst part is that Jiang Cheng doesn’t even know. All he knows is that he wants them back.