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Catch Me Hold Me

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“Thank you for walking me home,” Lukas said as he and Lila arrived at his apartment. It had been a cold but clear night that night, the warm glow of streetlights trailing off into the distance.“I just needed to make sure you got home safe,” Lila told him. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold, and possibly sore from how much she had been smiling and laughing at the antics of their precinct’s patrol group that night. Unlike Kym’s raucous laughter that made his skin crawl, he could never feel mad or judged by Lila’s soft giggles, so gentle and earnest like the crooning of a songbird. It gave him the strength to keep going that night, even when pain ebbed at the wounds in his body and fatigue weighed on his eyelids. When he wanted to submerge himself in shadows, find solace away from the loud crowds and the prolonged banter of his friends, Lila pulled him into the light.Lukas sighed and allowed a tender smile in response to Lila’s radiant presence. Gods, he was so in love with her. Ever since his near-death experience, he just had to admit to himself that life was too short to deny his feelings for any longer. The fears he once held of rejection, of not being good enough, all the what-ifs and what-thens – they all melted away because through it all, Lila had still been there at his side. Even at his worst, she had been there for him.“Will you be able to get home okay as well? It is quite late,” Lukas said. He almost wanted to ask her if she wanted to stay the night, but he wasn’t sure how that would come across.“I’ll be fine, I’ve walked the path many times. You’re one to talk, silly. You may be out of hospital, but you still need time to recover. If you need anything – anything at all – I’m only a call away.”“I’ll manage,” Lukas told her. In truth, he doubted he would, but he didn’t want to drag someone else into his problems for any longer than he had to. He didn’t want to subject anyone to the times he’d verbally insulted every appliance and utensil in his possession when cooking or when he would grumble and groan incoherently almost every morning before he had his coffee. He didn’t know if his irritability would get worse or not after his hospital stay.Lila frowned a little, a stark difference to her near-constant smiling. It seemed like she wasn’t convinced herself, and she took in a breath as if she wanted to say something, but she decided against it. Lukas still noticed her concern and elaborated: “It isn’t fair that you’ve spent all this time looking after me when you still have yourself to worry about.”“Well… okay. Tonight was a lot of fun! It’s so good to see everyone so healthy and happy again.”“For better or worse,” Lukas grumbled.Lila opened her arms and stepped towards her companion for a hug. There was a moment of hesitance on Lukas’ end. He didn’t usually like physical contact, especially hugs. In the past, when anyone else hugged him, he would just stand there with his arms just out in the air, feeling trapped and squished. But Lila was different. He didn’t know exactly why, but for once he was able to swallow his pride and hold back his anxiety. He let Lila hug him, and he wrapped his own arms around her, feeling the warmth of her embrace as he caressed her back. “Sleep well, Lukas,” she said, her voice as soft as the lock of her hair brushing against his cheek.Lukas almost didn’t want to let go, but he had to. “You too.”He walked up the few steps to his front door. She took a few steps in the direction of her home, waving him farewell. “See you tomorrow!”Lukas smiled once more and entered his residence. All at once, it was dark and cold in there. All at once, his heart ached and his fatigue caught up with him. He stumbled over to the small heater in his living room which he used when the fireplace was too bright for him. He sat down on the couch in front of it, waiting for it to warm up. Sitting there soon turned to lying down there and before he knew it, he was fast asleep. ///// Immediate regret was what Lukas woke up to. It was like most mornings, but worse. He hadn’t slept under a blanket, he hadn’t had a shower, he hadn’t changed out of his clothes. The sofa had made him feel sore and aggravated his wounds. He had eaten the previous night but he still woke up famished.He rubbed the recesses under his eyes free of sleep and groaned. “Shit.”Blearily, he dragged himself from the couch, procuring a pill bottle from his pocket which had medication he was prescribed for the time immediately after his discharge from hospital, to help with the pain that still ebbed at his nerves. He located a glass from one of the kitchen cabinets and downed one of the pills with water.Now for food. He had been meaning to go shopping before he got put in critical condition trying to save his idiotic coworkers, so he didn’t have much food. The little bread and food he did have had expired or had gone terribly moldy, so he spent time clearing it out. The only thing he could eat without making the treacherous journey outside was a tin of baked beans in the back corner of one of the cabinets.Lukas stared at the dented tin of beans, already feeling woozy again. He sighed. This was not going to be a fun day.He had the little sense left to put the baked beans into a saucepan and heat it up – this time without so much verbal abuse towards inanimate objects – rewarding him with a bowl of warm beans. While he cooked, he also prepared a cup of coffee. Then, he sat alone, in dim light, at his small dining table, shovelling the soupy bean goodness into his mouth and intermittently sipping the mediocre bean water as well. Truly an exquisite meal.After he cleaned up after himself, he reluctantly approached the curtains over one of the windows and bravely cast it aside, letting the gentle winter sunlight slant into his dark apartment. The doctor told him he needed to keep exercising every day to keep healthy and go outside more often. Something about vitamins, immune health, regaining strength. Whatever. He couldn’t stand going outside. It was too noisy, too much. He tolerated it for his job, but after he arrived home, it was to the many corners of his apartment to read another mystery novel. Especially when he felt so awful, he did not want to deal with the outdoors.Well… he did need groceries. That wasn’t avoidable forever.“Ugh… damn it all,” he groaned sluggishly, throwing himself back on the sofa.Lukas lay there a while, feeling miserable and tired even as the short winter day was passing by outside. He felt like a corpse, limp and withered, and like the ugliest mould stain sinking into the sofa.He was lucky to be alive. Most people in his situation would have felt something, some greater appreciation for life. Yet ever since the factory, it just felt like Lukas had been falling and falling and falling…“And falling…” he muttered aloud absentmindedly. It was so hard to find that spark, that feeling of ‘I’m so glad to still be here’, not when he was constantly diving into shadows, running from the light. The world was more tumultuous than ever. His body still hurt. He had hope that things would improve, but change didn’t happen overnight. It took a long time for the chaos to settle and for wounds to heal, but he needed that hope right now, to keep living and breathing like a person does.Of course, there was Lila. She was reason enough to hold onto that fickle hope. He just didn’t want to drag her radiance into the shadows with him. That was no way to live.“A call away,” Lukas repeated what she had told him the previous night. He reluctantly admitted that he could really use some help…He pulled himself off the sofa once again, finding his way to the phone and dialling Lila’s phone number. He waited patiently as it rang. Usually, Lukas had a death grip on everything he held but this handset he grazed so gently against his skin as if he were holding Lila’s hand against his cheek… but alas, there was no such connection. The phone simply rang out.He set down the phone and ruffled his uneven hair. Ah, how stupid of him. Of course, Lila wouldn’t drop everything to help look after him. She had her own life, her own priorities. She had more important things to-There was a knock at the door. Lukas recoiled from the sudden noise. Usually, he hoped people would just go away, but there was no such luck here.“Lukas!” a familiar voice called out. “Are you there? Bring out your dead!”And with no plan, he immediately beelined for the front door. The sun stung his eyes as he opened the door, stunned for a moment as he suddenly burst outside. He stared and blinked, familiarising himself with the surroundings. “Hi…”Lila looked radiant. She always was, but the way the light sloped off her white and light pink dress was borderline angelic. And she stared back for a moment too, finding the sight of this dark, mysterious figure frozen by the sunlight very curious. Then she smiled, her lips sloping so gently as she giggled behind her free hand. “No need to look so freaked out. Are you wearing the same clothes from last night?”Lukas looked down at what he was wearing and back at Lila, his cheeks uncharacteristically red. “N…no….” he denied. “Why are you here?”“Well…” She pulled up a large bag of groceries for him to see. “I thought you would want some groceries considering you’re busy resting. I couldn’t stop worry about if you were eating enough so I left work early to come see you.”“What?” Lukas exclaimed. “Hermann’s not going to be happy about that.”Lila made a doubtful expression which made her hair bounce when she moved her head. “I think you’re a little more important than my job. And despite everything, he’s not so opposed. Most of those affected by Medusa’s Kiss have recovered and are back working.”“What a shame,” Lukas responded flatly. He went to take the bag of groceries, but the secretary whipped it out of his reach as he extended his hand.“Come on now, don’t be like that.”Lukas hesitated, then sighed. He supposed he could be a little bit nicer about everything for Lila. “Okay, I’m sorry. I’m glad to hear everyone’s feeling better.”She handed over the bag, accepting the response. “Your colleagues think about you too, you know, despite how busy everyone is. I… think they’re starting to make the coffee machine some kind of shrine to you.”“Oh dear god,” Lukas grunted. “Can I retire already?”Lila merely laughed sweetly at his joke.He paused, not sure what to say and feeling a little awkward. “In any case, will you be staying or…?”“Do you want me to stay?”“I…” He hesitated, and though he knew he could look after himself, his heart was pounding, and he couldn’t shake how much he wanted her in his life. Was that selfish of him? “Kind of…”“Kind of?” Lila repeated, clearly not happy with that answer.“Yes…” he acquiesced. “Although… I only have one bed…”“I can sleep on the couch,” Lila reassured him.“Someone like you… doesn’t deserve to sleep on the couch, Lila. I’ll sleep on the couch. I can clean my sheets-”“You’re not sleeping on the couch!” she argued, her cheeks all red and round as she frowned. “You just got out of hospital!”The raven-haired officer shrugged. “Well… I slept there last night and it was fine. I’ll live.”Sometimes, Lukas wondered why he was called the scary one when Lila could stare such daggers into his mind as she did now. Usually so adorable and sweet-natured, she could be a devil in an instant if she wanted to be. She jabbed a finger at his chest. “Lukas Randall, you will sleep in your bed, or I will drag you back to the hospital again and there will be no homecooked carbonara tonight.”“Okay…” he agreed in a small voice.Then Lila was all smiles and sunshine again. “I’ll get my stuff and I’ll be back soon!”He watched her go, the infectious joy already on his face too. How happy he was, to be in her presence. ///// And so Lila stayed with him for the next two days.She slept on the couch, and though he saw her wincing as she stretched out her back as she stood, she didn’t complain. They cooked together, although argued plenty about each of them wanting to do more to help the other. Eventually, Lila did most of the cooking and Lukas did most of the washing up.They walked outside to the nearest park together and Lila encouraged Lukas to bring his camera, to motivate him to go outside. Their first walk was, therefore, also preluded by Lila finding his blackmail collection and laughing until her stomach was sore. He wished the camera would capture colours – the gentle golden sunlight filtering gently through Lila’s soft hair and scattered across her face. She would hear the sound of the camera and would turn in an equally beautiful expression. “Did you just take a picture of me?” she would say coyly. He would slide the picture in his pocket, blushing. Her beautiful humming, her quaint demeanour, it would all make him forget about the pain that still ebbed at his wounds from time to time and the tiredness he felt towards the end of each walk.Somewhere on the third night, they curled up together on the couch with a good book to take turns reading aloud. Surprisingly, Lila found some enjoyment in the dark and grim murder mystery books he loved so much, but maybe they both just enjoyed listening to each other’s voice.Then, after the last page was read, Lila sighed, resting her head against his chest and staring at the gentle glow of the fireplace. Lukas closed an arm around her comfortingly and yawned. “I suppose it’s time for bed,” he noted.The secretary nodded slightly against him. “Hey… you know that you talk in your sleep, right?”“When have you been watching me sleep?”“I could hear you from the living room in the night, so I checked on you. You weren’t screaming or anything, just muttering and rolling around. Do you always do that?”Lukas let out a long sigh. “No. Must be because of the factory incident. I get… nightmares.”Lila pulled away from the embrace to look at him. “Tell me about it.”“They’re not anything too graphic or dramatic, unfortunately,” he told her, leaning forward a little to fix his gaze upon the coals at the bottom of the fireplace. “I don’t dream about being shot. I just dream that I’m… falling. Constantly. No matter if I turn, what I do, I just keep falling. Waking up feels like hitting the ground. That’s when I remember getting shot and everything else. But I don’t know… they’re just dreams.”Lila considered what he told him for a moment, then latched onto his arm. “Then what if I catch you? If I hold you all night, I’ll stop you from falling.”It felt like another layer of warmth that the fire did not provide him, that perched upon his soul and eased the weight of his wounds. He couldn’t help but ask: “Lila… what am I to you?”“Isn’t that obvious?” The reflection of embers twinkled like stars in her eyes, the ever-present, eternal stars that seemed now so descriptive of how they felt for each other.Drawn like a moth to that dazzling light, Lukas kissed her.

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