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It was late; they were surrounded by empty bottles.Nathan was floating.The TV was droning on in front of them. Nathan could barely make out more than the colors on the screen as they were passing a blunt back and forth.Maybe he was staring into the fireplace.
There was a comforting warmth on his thigh, where Pickles was resting his knee. He put a hand on top of it, holding on to it so as not to drift away, and a gentle weight pressed against his shoulder.
Nights like this were his favorite these days. Not because of the drugs or the alcohol - though he certainly didn’t mind the lack of tension in his muscles – but because he got to just be.Pickles had seen all the ugliest parts of him, and yet he was here by his side.It had taken Nathan quite a while to accept all the care Pickles had to give. Despite all the rejection Pickles had faced in his life, he somehow didn’t have it beaten out of him.Sometimes Nathan still didn’t believe that he deserved it.But when they were together like this, not talking because there was so little left to say, he couldn’t imagine it any other way.He was never going to be so foolish as to push him away again. The regret of doing it before still sat heavy in his bones.
He must’ve been hogging the blunt because, before a groan of effort even reached his brain, Pickles plucked it from his fingers.Slowly turning his head, he followed the movement.
Their eyes met and Pickles’ mouth stretched into a smile before he’d finished taking a drag.Nathan watched in awe as the smoke billowed from between his lips, his smile lines never fading.
He reached out to clumsily place his hand on Pickles’ cheek, squishing it as he traced his features with his thumb.
Still leaning against him, Pickles’ eyes remained fixed on him, looking up softly.
“Thanks for being here,” Nathan said, “I know I’m not easy.”Maybe he didn’t say any of it out loud, but he was definitely thinking it.
Pickles kept smiling and took another drag. His exhale was so close that Nathan could breathe in his smoke, could soak up his presence and keep it in his chest.His mind started to swirl and he tightened his grip on Pickles’ knee to stabilize himself.
“I love you,” Nathan said, or maybe didn’t say.
Pickles’ mouth moved, but Nathan couldn’t make out words.Nathan kept staring into his deep, green eyes that slowly pulled him closer.He was threatening to fall into the green expanse when Pickles’ gaze dipped.
All but cross-eyed and with his mouth hanging open, Pickles came so close that Nathan could feel his breath on his lips.There was a tug on Nathan’s shirt, as though Pickles had caught his beating heart in his hand.
Nathan tried to say “I love you” again, wanting to make sure that Pickles knew it, but his attempt was thwarted by Pickles’ lips on his.
He held his breath for a moment, until he could feel Pickles’ tongue push against his, and sighed with a quiet hum.
Both uncoordinated from the long evening they kept their movements small, with their tongues touching lightly and their chapped lips occasionally scratching against each other.
Pickles’s taste didn’t surprise him in the least.As though he was doing this for the thousandth time instead of the first.
-
When Nathan woke up sometime around noon, alone in this bed, he thought it had been a dream.
On his way to the kitchen, he was tempted to go into the living room instead. Some part of him believed that he could step back into the fog of last night and spend a little longer there.
In the kitchen, he locked eyes with Pickles, until Pickles cleared his throat and handed him a cup of coffee.
A glimpse of Pickles’ lips granted him a scrap of comfort as he recalled how they felt, and the warmth of Pickles’ body against him.
They took a seat, mirroring each other with an elbow resting on the table and a hand on their respective mugs.Neither of them were big talkers in the morning, but the silence between them was different than usual.
At first, Nathan thought it was only him. He started doubting his own memory; maybe they didn’t kiss, maybe he’d just wished for it and his intoxicated mind had conjured up the sensation.
However, they shot cautious glances at each other, quickly looking away again when their eyes met, and Nathan saw the same nervosity in Pickles’ face that he felt in himself.
“...So we both remember,” Nathan said.
“Yep,” Pickles replied. He let out an awkward chuckle, which did nothing to diffuse the tension in the air. “But it’s not the craziest thing I’ve done while I was high. It’s not a big deal.”
Nathan was clenching his jaw, staring at the mug he was gripping so tightly it was a miracle it stayed intact.
Pickles could bear the silence remarkably long, watching out of the corner of his eye as the crease between Nathan’s eyebrows grew deeper. He looked down at his own coffee when he broke. “Is it?”
“I don’t know,” Nathan replied without missing a beat, “is it?”He still didn’t dare look directly at Pickles.“We’ve known each other for so long-” he cut himself off, bouncing his leg as he tried to look for words. “The older I get the more I think-” Pickles watched him like a deer in headlights. “You’re always the first person I-” He threw his free hand up in frustration.
He’d never found it easy to express himself with words unless it was about death and blood and murder.He’d certainly never had to find a rhyme for love.
“What happened last- When we-… It makes sense, right?” He huffed. “I mean...right?”
Pickles’ shoulders slowly dropped.“Yeah,” he said cautiously. He chuckled again, and it brought relief this time.
“Yeah?” Nathan asked and looked up, scared he might have misheard.
A smile spread across Pickles’ face. It let all of last night into the room, and Nathan was enveloped in warmth.Pickles averted his eyes, as though that could hide his big smile, and repeated, “Yeah.”
Nathan pressed his lips together, hesitating for a moment before letting go of his coffee to hold out his palm.
Pickles, however, stood up to pull his chair closer to Nathan, sitting back down only when he was close enough for their knees to bump together.At last, he took Nathan’s hand; they were both warmed by coffee.
Pickles’ smile had softened. The weariness of the morning and the life behind him was tugging at his features, yet Nathan had never seen such unabashed adoration on his face.
He couldn’t think of the moment it had started, but as he unwittingly squeezed Pickles’ hand, he realized they had been growing old together for a while.
“What now?” Pickles asked as he gently caressed Nathan’s hand with his thumb. His voice was quiet, though accompanied by a challenging tone, with his eyebrows raised to match.A blush from ear to ear, as though he was still drunk, betrayed his confident act, as did the light trembling of his thumb, but still Nathan’s heart started beating faster.
“Uuuhhhhhh….” was all he could get out at first.He lowered his gaze, trying to decide if an attempt at flirting back would only result in embarrassment.“We could… continue where we left off.”
Smile never fading, Pickles straightened his back and replied, “Where would that be?”
Nathan glanced up at him. “Uhm… I was hoping you could remind me.”
Pickles took a deep breath, then let go of Nathan’s hand and willed his tired body to stand up a second time.He took a small step towards Nathan and hesitated. His smile wavered as uncertainty pushed itself into the foreground.
Their eyes were locked on each other and a second passed. And another.Nathan thought he’d have to beg, and his mouth fell open with the willingness to do it, but Pickles cupped his face before he could.
Nathan closed his eyes for a moment to bask in the safety of Pickles’ hands.He opened them again to find Pickles leaning down, then hesitating again. Nathan lifted his chin towards him, and finally Pickles closed the gap.
The memory of last night did not become much clearer, but he recognized Pickles’ taste as though he had known it all his life.