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Like most things in life that turned Steve’s world upside down, it began with Dustin. He picked him up early from school one afternoon for a visit to the dental specialist he had to see two counties over since Mrs. Henderson couldn’t get out of work. She’d bribed Steve with a pan of her famous brownies that he couldn’t resist and he caved immediately to the request.Dustin was practically mid-tangent as he climbed into the beemer, even though he’d walked up alone, and Steve could barely keep up with the impassioned rantings of his curly haired friend. So he mostly tuned him out and focused on driving, until he said something that caught him off guard.“…naturally even Mike couldn’t disagree when I reminded him that biologically gender isn’t real, but still,” he sighed, fiddling with his cap. “Wait, what do you mean gender isn’t real? Like what separates guys from girls? Because there’s some pretty big differences there, trust me,” Steve said with a smirk.“Ha ha,” Dustin replied sarcastically, “not sex, and no I don’t mean that kind of sex so calm down.” Steve had been about to pipe up, the kid wasn’t wrong, but instead he let him continue. “Biologically there are four main categories for physical sexual attributes needed for reproduction - male, female, intersex or asexual.”“While some of those things are also used to differentiate between types of human sexual preference or physical sexual reproductive organs, the one thing that separates us from the animals is the social construct of gender. We’re taught from a young age that men are strong and hunt for food while women forage, or that men are the only ones capable of fighting wars so women have to stay behind and do other jobs in order to help us succeed.”“But in reality all those things are just social constructs that are constantly in flux throughout human history and mainly used as tools to keep men in power and women subservient. If people could realize their physical sex doesn’t limit their capabilities as a person and function socially without gender I think the world would be a better place, not that it’s realistically going to happen any time soon.”Steve’s head was spinning - sure he’d learned about the patriarchy and gender norms from Robin's rants at work but he had never really thought about it on a bigger scale. Still, he wanted to make sure Dustin felt supported so he offered up, “well, teach me some more about it. Gimme other examples.”Dustin flashed a gummy smile before extolling the virtues of every woman in their life: Nancy is their first call when there’s a problem because she’s both brilliant and a skilled markswoman, El is the strongest person probably on the planet, Max was able to fight off Vecna and brave enough to volunteer for it to protect another innocent person, Suzie is even smarter than Dustin about most things, they’d never have gotten out of Starcourt without Erica and never have found the Russians without Robin.“Yet they’re still called the ‘weaker’ sex, it’s so stupid, and it’s all because of our societal hangups on gender,” he ended with a dramatic swing of his arms. “So what brought on this debate with the guys? Or the…party?” Steve asked, trying to take to heart what Dustin was saying. “You working on a school project or something?”Dustin reaches into his backpack and pulls out a neon green bundle of paper, holding it up like a prize fish. “I found a whole stack of these in the drama classroom.” Steve glances at it as long as he dares while still keeping his focus on driving and sees giant blocky letters declaring “GENDER IS F***ED” on the front and a drawing of a hand flipping the bird.“What is it? I can’t look right now man, I’m kinda busy,” Steve said, gesturing to the road before them. “It’s a ‘zine,’ I learned about them from a kid at summer camp from New York - they’re handmade magazines, essentially, put together by people to educate them on different subcultures that aren’t discussed in mainstream media. I never thought I’d see one in Hawkins, it’s so cool!”“I thought you weren’t going to audition…” Steve replied, knowing he couldn’t actually say anything about his inside knowledge of zines from Robin. Though the few she’d gotten when they trekked to a gay bookstore in Chicago were about how to signal other lesbians and safe sex tips, nothing like this. “You also said you like me for who I am and that I should pursue my passions…besides I wasn’t there for the audition, that’s next week. Hellfire meets there, duh.”He scuffed his shoes against the glovebox with a frown, something Steve would normally chide him for but… “or at least it used to be Hellfire. Now we have to pretend it’s a study group.” The higher powers at Hawkins High couldn’t make the club stop meeting when they’d, in fact, done nothing wrong. However they cracked down on the name, logo and everything else ‘inappropriate’ about it until it was to the public eye just a study group organized by their sponsor, Ms. Hall, who taught home economics.Steve sighed and glanced at Dustin’s dejected face before reaching over to ruffle his hat-covered hair, “hey at least you guys still get to meet at all, huh? And it’s better to do it at the school than in Mike’s stinky basement.” That brought back the grin to his younger friend’s face, “oh man so you should have seen Mike’s face when I made my final case. I said, ‘So you'd be less afraid if a female bear or female shark if it attacked you?’ He just spluttered and turned red. Of course then it turned into an entirely different discussion about how demo-creatures reproduced.”Steve hit the brakes and skidded to the right, tires kicking up a cloud of dust, and pebbles pinging against the wheel wells. Dustin screeched dramatically, clinging to the dashboard, “dude what the HELL?!” After righting the car back into the lane Steve exclaimed, “okay no demo reproduction talk in my presence, got it?” and cranked the stereo.As the Thompson Twins ‘Doctor! Doctor!’ blared from the stereo he could still hear the occasional squawk of “reproduce asexually” “molting cycle” “eggs?” “hidden sexual organs” and “aquatic creatures” before Dustin gave up and sat back quietly for the rest of the drive.Once they arrived Dustin hopped out, leaving Steve behind to wait until his appointment was done, tossing the zine in through the window as he left. “Educate yourself!” he shouted back through cupped hands as he walked backwards towards the door. Steve flashed the bird, which Dustin returned with a grin, then disappeared inside.Upon closer inspection of the zine the hand on the front wasn’t from a photo but was actually an impressively realistic drawing. The hand had some short nails but others long like a claw and was adorned in chunky rings resembling an eyeball, a snake and a grenade respectively. At the bottom of the cover where he half expected to see the author’s name instead it just said ‘not every transsexual is a pervert…but I sure am!’He raised his eyebrows at the thought of the kids reading this but then reminded himself they were turning 16 this year and what he’d gotten up to at their age and opened the pamphlet further. The next page was just a collage of images - some from newspapers, others from books, and even more drawings. It seemed to just be things that amused or interested the creator - Steve couldn’t resist the laugh that escaped him at the drawing of a blender that said ‘gender’ above it. “Gender blender,” he mused aloud to himself.There were a few more informative pages explaining the differences between gender identity and gender presentation, the history behind some gender norms that all seemed to be much more ingrained in the world at large than they really were, and the penultimate page was a list of other zines to read for help or just not to feel so alone. He fully intended to keep the zine as it was but now he was determined so he could show this list to Robin at his next visit.When he flipped it over to the back there was an image of a large cathedral that reminded him of the one his parents used to drag him to - when they pretended to care about his immortal soul. Overlaid on top in giant white block letters was the phrase ‘THE WORLD NEEDS TRANSSEXUALS MORE THAN IT NEEDS GOD.’ He found himself frozen, staring at the image for how long he wasn’t sure but what finally snapped him out of it was the sight of droplets hitting the paper.He looked up in confusion then caught sight of himself in the rearview mirror and realized it wasn’t rain coming in through his open window but tears…tears he hadn’t felt coming and couldn’t explain. Hastily folding the zine in half he stuck it in his back pocket and turned the radio on again, sliding on his wayfarers to hide any residual redness that might be lingering in his eyes before Dustin came outside.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Steve suspected he’d be hearing from at least one or two other party members about the zine as it made its way through the hands of the feral teenagers he called friends, but he would definitely have lost money on the next person to show up at Family Video clutching those neon green papers to be, “El? Isn’t it the middle of the school day?”“I have study hall…no one notices if I leave,” she said, looking down at her shoes. While Steve didn’t know her well before the move to California she’d been much quieter and more reserved since their final battle with Vecna. From coping with the pain of losing her powers and Hopper only to gain them both back in the same week, almost losing Max, moving back to Hawkins and the struggles of teenage life in general her relationship with Mike had come to a swift end.They were still friendly, but it was just one more reason for El to be in the background of the party - Mike was almost always the loudest voice in the room, second only to Dustin. One of the times she would smile or chat exuberantly was to cheer up Max, who was doing a lot better after much physical and emotional therapy, but still needed the comfort of her friends.Steve debated calling her bluff and insisting she head back to the high school but he also could count on one hand the number of times El came to him for help and decided to just lean over the counter, “what’s going on?” She looked around to make sure the store was empty then the lock clicked behind her and she placed a familiar looking green piece of paper on the counter - though this copy was crumpled and folded many times over by nervous hands.“Do you understand this word?” She tapped the ‘GENDER’ part of the title slowly, “Dustin said he talked to you about it but I still have questions.” “Well…to be honest I hadn’t thought much about it before the other day but it’s kind of like all the other stuff the party and Hopper helped you learn when you escaped. How to dress to fit in, what time certain meals are supposed to be, what’s the right thing to do vs what’s the law.”“It’s just that some things are so ingrained in who we are as humans it’s easy to forget it’s taught too. We get taught from such a young age what ‘boys do’ and what ‘girls do’ that by the time we’re old enough to question things we’ve forgotten it’s weird. But basically it’s just a made up rule of society that people use to categorize other people and put them in boxes. So people with…” Steve coughed and blushed, “people with my anatomy are ‘boys’ and your anatomy are ‘girls’ but it’s pretty dumb.”“It would be like saying only dark haired people can be soldiers and engineers but light haired people have to be cooks or seamstresses…I think. I’m bad at this analogy stuff, sorry. Dustin can probably explain it better,” he said with a sigh. El, who had been nodding along patiently as he spoke, patted him on the hand. “No, you did good, I think I understand. Gender was invented by mouth breathers.”They both burst into giggles at that and once they’d calmed down El continued, “growing up in the lab everyone was just a number. There were other ‘girls’ thinking back but all that mattered to us was who had the strongest abilities. Beyond that nothing else was worth mentioning.”Her eyes found her shoes again and she tugged on one of the short curls slowly replacing what would hopefully be her last buzz cut, “what if I don’t feel like a girl? Max tried to teach me how to be a girl when I was spending too much time with Mike last summer but it just felt like all my other lessons. I didn’t really understand, I just followed along.”“Do you feel…like a boy?” Steve asked carefully, not sure what to say. El’s eyes widened like saucers and she shook her head, “no - definitely not…no offense but boys are kinda gross.” They laughed again, softer and more contemplative than before, when El spoke up again, “what if I feel like neither? Is that allowed?” Steve picked up the zine and flipped through it, “well let’s consult with the experts here.”The page he pointed out said at the top, ‘NO GENDER =/= NO PROBLEM’ and explained below how there were many different ways of life throughout history and in other cultures for people who felt they were both genders at once, changed which gender they most felt like at any given time, or people who felt no association with either one. There was a drawing of an umbrella that said ‘transgender’ at the top and had a lot of little raindrops below labeled with other identities like ‘transsexual,’ ‘genderqueer, ‘androgynous,’ and ‘bigender.’Below that was another paragraph explaining that a lot of what we understand and feel about gender is personal so if none of those titles feel right for you to just choose what you like. El mouthed each word silently to themselves and then pointed at the raindrop that said ‘genderqueer.’ “I like this one…is that okay?” Steve grinned at them before handing back their copy of the zine, “yeah, no matter what you feel it’s always gonna be okay El. It’s also okay if you change your mind later, just be true to yourself.”A small smile crept over their face and they put the zine away before heading towards the door to go back to school, “Thanks for everything, remember whatever you feel about yourself is okay too.” He stared at the door for a long minute after it closed behind them and felt like the words were floating over his skin - he felt like his whole body was buzzing. It was the same feeling he used to get after a tough game or before a big date. He just felt undone in some kind of way…he kept flipping through the copy of the zine he’d come to call ‘his’ since Dustin left it with him as the night wore on.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Once the evening rush had died down Steve picked up the phone and called Robin in her dorm. After she filled him in on everything going on with her and he got through the week's stories about work woes there was a long pause. “Steve? You okay?” came Robin's voice through the receiver and he found himself flipping through the zine again.“Do you ever feel like a boy?” He winced as soon as the question came out, feeling like it was too weird, too personal to be having over the Family Video phone at 9pm. It felt like something better whispered late at night across a pillow or written down in a secreted note or even asked on a cold bathroom floor that smelled like blood and vomit.She sat silent for a moment then answered, “I thought I should have been born a boy a few times when I was younger and still coming to terms with my sexuality. I was like ‘ugh if I was a boy it wouldn’t be weird that I want to kiss Stacy Alvarado, why did I have to be a girl?’ But I definitely don’t want to be a boy, no.”“I love women and I love being a woman, that doesn’t scare me like it used to now that I’m older and I have friends who accept me.” She paused again and when Steve didn’t say anything back over the phone she asked, gently, “Do you ever feel like a girl?” He dropped the receiver, swearing and then stammered into the handset, “gotta go, someone just came in,” hanging up before Robin could argue the point.He spent the rest of his shift hearing her voice echoing in his mind, the same question repeating over and over until it felt like his head was going to explode. Thinking back to his childhood he remembered things he’d pushed down and forgotten once he was old enough to know they were ‘embarrassing.’Trying on his moms clothes, shoes and makeup when playing pretend, wanting a beautiful porcelain doll for Christmas but getting a baseball glove, wanting his hair to be long and gorgeous but getting it cut monthly per his old man’s standards. He knew that on some level these things were a normal part of growing up and figuring out what you like…but it didn’t keep the question from repeating.Did he feel like a girl? What did being a girl even mean? The zine had shaken up all his ideas of what anyone was supposed to feel. Not that it was a bad thing, he knew he still held on to too many things his father taught him or his coaches, or even Tommy. But he couldn’t help but feel more lost than before and it felt like a cold stone had settled in his gut and wouldn’t go away. He decided there and then he was going to stop by Eddie’s after work and get high - if anything could clear his cluttered mind it would be a few joints and some beer with a friend.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Steve was counting the drawer for the night, trying not to let the numbers get flipped around in his head again when someone knocked on the locked glass door, Max. He let her in with a sigh, “what are you doing out so late?” “I was playing air hockey at the arcade and they just closed for the night. Can you give me a ride home? My mom is working late tonight at the diner.” She’d been spending even more time at the arcade to help with recovering her reflexes - or at least that was her excuse, and given all she’d gone through no one really challenged her on that.“Give me a few minutes to sort out the deposit and I can take you, no problem. I was gonna swing by Eddie’s tonight anyway,” he said as he scribbled what he hoped was the right total on the slip and locked up the cash for Keith to take in the morning. “Ooh gonna partake in some of the devils lettuce?” she teased, deadpan but still holding up her fingers like fake horns on her head and imitating Eddie. “None of your beeswax,” he chided as he gestured for her to head to the car, locking up and turning out the lights behind them.“Beeswax, oh my god you’re such a dork. How did we ever think you were cool?” she said with a laugh as she climbed in, slowly - being mindful of her legs. He looked at himself in the rearview mirror before shooting her an exasperated smirk, “your guess is as good as mine. Wanna pick a tape?” “From your collection? Pass. Can I put in one of mine instead?” she held up her backpack and started rummaging through the various cassettes. He just waved her off as he started heading towards the trailer park.‘Holding Back The Years’ by Simply Red began to softly play from the stereo, a volume that suggested Max wanted to talk but didn’t want to be the one to start things. Steve glanced at her briefly before looking back at the road and as per usual her poker face gave nothing away so he just hazarded a guess at what might be on her mind, “how’s your mom?”“She’s actually doing a lot better - Hopper got her into one of those AA meetings and she brought home her 30 day chip last week. Work is still work, it’s not sunshine and roses to clean up coffee and serve truckers but yeah…not bad.”He nodded and hmmed to himself, “how about Lucas? Surprised you guys weren’t at the arcade together.” The silence that followed was a beat too long…’ah ha’ he thought. “…he’s, he’s fine. I just…” she sighed and leaned her forehead against the glass of the passenger side window. “I’m worried that I’m changing into something he won’t like, I’m worried that I won’t like him as much as I used to, I’m just really confused. I feel like my thoughts aren’t my own lately and everything is just a mess.”Steve knew this conversation was going to be longer than the rest of the drive so he turned off and pulled into the Dairy Queen, ordering them both blizzards and putting the car in park. “Still using ice cream to solve all your problems?” she teased, taking a small bite. “I think if you remember right, ice cream only caused me problems. Besides this is a ‘frozen treat’,” he pointed at the label on the cup before taking a spoonful. After a few minutes of them eating in silence he gently asked, “so, what’s this change that you’re worried about?”Max chewed for a moment before reaching in her backpack and pulling out a copy of the zine but it was different - it wasn’t stapled together and folded into a booklet like the other ones. “Everyone was arguing over this the other day but I actually already had one for a few weeks…I found it in the library by the ditto machine. I’ve been reading it and thinking a lot about how I feel, how I’ve felt in the past.”“Growing up I never liked girly stuff - my mom was always trying to get me to play with dolls, wear frilly dresses, like cutesy things. I just wanted to read comics, play video games or ride my skateboard. I like jeans, sneakers - I hate makeup and trying to look pretty. Even my name bothered me - Maxine? I was always begging to be called Max. For some reason it just fit me better and I knew that. Mom always just called me a tomboy and would look at me with a frown so I assumed that’s all it was - once again I was the weird kid, the odd man out.”“When she married Neil and Billy moved in with us he was more of a girl than I ever was - always putting products in his hair, primping in front of the mirror, and yes, he definitely wore eyeliner. Of course this made Neil even madder - he didn’t like having a ‘fairy’ acting son on top of a dirty little tomboy step-kid. Ironic that the one thing we had in common was not sticking to these norms huh?” she said with a wry grin, waving the zine in front of her.“I tried to help El learn how to ‘be a girl’ when we met but honestly most of it was from what I’d seen on tv or just me teaching her to be herself really…it had nothing to do with girlhood. Mostly it was about proving Mike Wheeler wrong. Last year…with everything leading up to Vecna, I didn’t really trust any of my thoughts. Looking back after reading this though I realized I’d been feeling like this for a long time.”She poked at the blizzard with her spoon then sat back with a huff, “so basically…I think I’m a boy.” Steve remembered his conversation with El, all the words in the zine that he’d read so many times he practically had it memorized at this point, and most of all the feeling he had when laying on a bathroom floor listening to Robin bear her soul to him. With that he looked at his friend and reached out a hand to shake his gently, “nice to meet you, Max.”He grinned and shook Steve’s hand back, gripping it a little too tightly, “sorry, guess I don’t know my manly strength.” The two sat back, enjoying their snacks in silence once more. When the cups were emptied and stacked together Max spoke again, quietly, “I think I’m going to tell Lucas tomorrow…the rest of the party, well, we’ll see. I’m worried about trying to explain it to El.” Steve coughed but knew he couldn't betray their previous conversation so he just said, “I wouldn’t worry about El - I think you’ll find that’s the easiest conversation to have.”When Max looked at him in confusion he said, “well because you two are so close…El might have questions but she’d never judge you. Lucas won’t either, I’m sure he’ll be understanding.” “Understanding and willing to go from having a girlfriend to having a boyfriend are two different things. Lucas isn’t gay…he’s going to break up with me and I can’t say I blame him.”“I’m not saying he’s gay or saying he won’t end things between you two but even if things do end it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and support you. Also you never know what he wants from your relationship until you ask him - he probably doesn’t know what’s going on with you and so there might be some things he’s thought about and not shared with you too. Just don’t assume anything or put a preconceived notion on him too early, okay?”Max nodded before putting the zine away with a sigh and putting his seatbelt on, “we should probably get back before it’s too late…thanks Steve. You’re a really good friend, and you’re way more chill about this than I expected. Got any deep dark queer secrets you’ve been hiding from us?” Steve put on his wayfarers despite the dark night sky and grinned, “you’ve got no idea kid.” They sang along to Bronski Beat until Steve pulled up outside the trailer, laughing and dancing around in the front seat.Steve got out after he parked, figuring he’d walk the 20 or so yards to Eddie’s but before he could start heading that way Max stopped him with one last, “Hey…Steve? Can you do me another favor?” 15 minutes later Steve was slowly circling Max who had perched on a kitchen stool, red curls scattered all around him like fallen leaves. “Okay, I think that’s pretty much even - ready to take a look?” he said, placing the scissors on the kitchen counter and grasping the hand mirror.Max took it in his shaking hands and held it up, looking at his new haircut with a wild grin. Errant short, red hairs stuck to his face and blended in with his freckles making him look young, boyish, and free. He stared at his reflection a few moments longer, tears springing to his eyes but he eventually looked away to meet Steve’s gaze, “thank you…for everything.” “Anytime, for anything you need, seriously. I’m here for you man,” Steve said, holding out his arms for a hug which was eagerly returned.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Steve knocked three times on the trailer door and after a bout of curses and clattering sounds from the other side it finally flung open to reveal Eddie Munson grinning like the Cheshire cat. “Well well well what brings Steeeeeeve Harrington to my door on a Friday evening? Surely there’s nothing salacious or dare I say illegal on your mind Stevie-boy?” A shiver ran up his spine, not for the first time, at having the full weight of Eddie’s deep brown eyes on him.There was something bittersweet about being called a cute, lighthearted nickname like Stevie then being reminded of the category life had given him - ‘boy.’ He realized he’d been staring in silence too long and covered with a cough and a laugh, “yeah yeah, sorry to stop in unannounced but I’ve had a doozy of a day and I could really use some time outside of my head. Can I come in? I’ve got cash…”“Well normally I’d say your money is no good here Mr. Harrington but I need some new guitar strings so come on in and let’s try to ease your troubled mind, huh?” Eddie said, sliding to the side so Steve could come inside. There was an immediate sense of relief just from stepping inside the worn trailer - something that would have surprised him 6 months earlier when it was full of otherworldly terrors.Now it was more of a home than his own - he’d spent countless nights watching movies on the couch, sharing coffee with Wayne in the morning, smoking and cracking jokes in the bedroom with Eddie. His shoulders dropped tension he didn’t even realize he was holding and his limbs began to feel heavy as he kicked off his sneakers to leave by the door before following Eddie back to the bedroom.Eddie starts rummaging through one of the various piles lying around the tiny bedroom that he’s sworn on more than one occasion, ‘I know exactly where everything is, I have a system!’ before emerging triumphantly with a bag of pre-rolled joints. He’d tried to convert Steve to using bongs instead but it felt too suffocating and made him have a small panic attack, so it had been rolling papers only from then on when they were together.Before Steve could sit down of his own free will he found his knees buckling and his body bouncing down on the mattress like a marionette whose strings had been cut. In the pile Eddie had just unearthed was a stack of neon green paper and the smell of ditto machine ink wafted across the room. “Steve…you okay?” Eddie stopped short, taking in what had to be a shocked expression and Steve just silently pulled out the copy of the zine that was burning a hole in his back pocket.“Did you make this?” he whispered, pointing at the evidence slowly sliding towards the ground behind Eddie - the pile too disrupted apparently by its owner's chaos. Now Eddie had eyes that looked like saucers and was making a bunch of weird stammering noises while trying to re-bury the papers. “Nooo nonononono yeah no those I mean that may look like mine but see what it is is that Jeff…no Freak…no…actually no one you know haha asked me to hold onto these for them and…” the zines flopped all the way to the floor with a loud thwap, escaping Eddie’s frantic grasp.They looked at each other again then both burst into a fit of hysterical giggles over the sound it made and Eddie slumped down on the bed next to Steve. “Yeah…I made the zine, guess I couldn’t keep the secret forever huh? What is it the brats always say? ‘Friends don’t lie’ etcetera etcetera…” Steve flipped through his copy in wonderment, “how did you learn all this stuff? And the work it must have taken to put it all together? This is so cool Eddie, seriously.” Eddie looked at him with a soft, sad gaze he recognized and just whispered, “Steve…”The pieces finally clicked into place and Steve softly said, “oh…right,” before folding the zine up and tucking it away again. “Did…do I need to call you something else? Or…” “Eddie is my preferred name, don’t worry stud you haven’t done anything wrong. I’ve been Eddie since I came to live with Wayne and got away from my old man. Started working for Rick once I got to high school so I could get testosterone for a discounted rate and thanks to our dear friends the demobats and whatever sketchy doctors your government pals sent to take care of me I’m now titty free at last. Guess I should’ve been more specific when saying I’d do anything to get rid of them, huh?”“How did you get a copy? I only stashed them in places I figured other kids needing some guidance might find them.” Steve laughed at that, “doesn’t that describe our party to a T? Dustin found it and it became a hot topic with them all week. I’ve been fielding questions and concerns as best I could ever since. That’s what’s got me saddled with this headache.” ‘Among other things…’ he thought to himself as he laid back with a sigh. “Well let’s do what we can to fix that and you can fill me in on the rest later,” Eddie said as he lit up the first joint and took a short toke before passing it to Steve.After a few beers and a few joints the two of them were laid back on the bed chatting and laughing, Steve’s head finally empty and his body feeling weightless. Eddie’s watch beeped signaling that it was 1am and he groaned before sliding off the bed like his body was overcooked noodles, slumping briefly on the floor before popping up to grab some pajama pants. Steve just continued to lay there and chuckle breathlessly at his antics until he got hit in the face with a pair of flannel pjs.“Come on Harrington, nothing worse than falling asleep in jeans,” Eddie called as he wandered into the bathroom and began brushing his teeth, “or waking up with crossfade mouth, come on,” he mumbled around the brush. It took a few tries for his fingers to be able to undo the zipper and slide off his jeans but before he could slip into the soft bedclothes provided he froze and found himself blushing.Why? Was it because he wanted Eddie to see him in his underwear? Or because he wished it was the other way around? It did make sense why Eddie always got changed in the bathroom when he slept over now in hindsight. Steve couldn’t let go of the feeling that he wished he could see Eddie laid bare - the mixture of chemicals in his body letting his mind wander to thoughts he normally pushed down.“You okay?” Eddie called, spurring him into action and he shoved his legs into the pajamas so fast he almost tripped as he made his way to the bathroom mumbling an apology. Steve nodded dumbly and began brushing his teeth with the spare brush Eddie had set out for him a few months ago. It was purple and had daisies on it, ‘your birth month flower,’ Eddie had said with a shy grin. He felt his head getting heavy again and laid it on Eddie’s shoulder - drowsily looking at their reflection in the mirror as they brushed in a syncopated rhythm.Eddie finished up and rinsed his mouth out before patting Steve’s hair gently, “Stevie, time for bed.” Steve felt so small in that moment, so delicate, he didn’t want to let go of that feeling but he rinsed his mouth and followed Eddie to bed silently. As they clambered into bed Steve’s thoughts were drifting in a sleepy haze but he hesitated thinking a man and a woman shouldn’t sleep side by side like this if they weren’t together. He internally chided himself for not thinking of Eddie as a man but then realized he had been…the woman curling up against Eddie’s side to sleep was Steve.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Steve woke up early as per usual despite a night of strange, hazy dreams. He was loath to get out of the warm bed where he’d been latched onto Eddie like a koala but he had to piss so out he crept. He didn’t know why he always got out so carefully, Eddie could sleep through a hurricane, but still. After using the restroom and getting cleaned up he would have wandered back to bed but he knew from the smell of Folgers drifting through the small trailer that Wayne was up. He grabbed one of Eddie’s sweatshirts and pulled it on before going to find Wayne, wanting a little bit of warmth and comfort in its softness and the scent of Eddie.Before he could even pad into the kitchenette Wayne was pouring a second mug and adding milk and sugar for Steve with a gruff, “saw your car still over at the Mayfield’s trailer but I figured you weren’t having a slumber party with Max, then I noticed your Nike’s by the door when I came in, so I made a little extra.” “Thank you sir,” Steve said, voice still rough with sleep, so he gulped the hot coffee quickly in an effort to soothe his throat.The two sat down on the sofa, Wayne not having set it to its sleeper configuration yet, and enjoyed their coffee as the morning news droned on softly in the background. “So…y’all have fun last night?” Steve nodded, taking another long sip. “Not too much fun though, right?” Wayne teased, bumping his elbow against Steve’s making him cough on the hot liquid. “I don’t know what you mean sir,” he said, blushing furiously and staring down at his cup after he finally regained his breath.Wayne leaned back, closing his eyes, holding his mug in both hands to keep them warm, “I’m just sayin I’m not ready to be a grandpa yet is all…” “We’re not…we haven’t…I wouldn’t….that is, wait - did Eddie tell you he was gonna tell me? About…” Steve trailed off, unsure of how to phrase it. That got Wayne’s attention and his eyebrows shot up before his eyes reopened, “shit…son I thought you been knew. Honest to god I figured he’d told you ages ago and you were more than aware by now with how often you’ve spent the night.”“He just told me last night and…I haven’t, y’know…seen anything. We don’t…he always gets changed in the bathroom and, oh god what am I saying?” Steve’s face was bright red now as he set the coffee down on the table and put his head in his hands. After a long silence and a muttered apology from Wayne, Steve finally felt brave enough to sit up again and finish the drink. The news had gone to commercial and there was an annoying furniture salesman on the tv who reminded Steve of his father. Before he had a chance to process it the words were leaving his mouth, “Eddie is lucky to have you.”“My dad would never accept something like that…I’d be out on the street before I could finish my sentence, if he didn’t beat me to death first. He’d never let me disrepute the Harrington name that way. I’m already a huge disappointment to him as it is I could never…” Steve cuts himself off with a wry laugh. “Anyway…you’re a really great uncle and I know he appreciates you but I just wanted to say thank you for looking out for him all these years.”He stood up to go rinse out his mug and head back to the bedroom but before he could Wayne stood and held open his arms in a silent, understanding offering. Steve hesitated, it felt too big for some reason, too intense, but he also knew he craved that positive affection from a paternal figure so he ended up greedily accepting the embrace.Wayne just let him lean against him like Steve was a much smaller man than he was, let him let his limbs go loose and just take what he needed in that moment, strong arms saying it was alright and that he was being protected. The way a father should do for his child. If Wayne felt a few tears hit his flannel shirt he also didn’t comment on it.When Steve finally let go and backed up Wayne said, “don’t you ever let Richard Harrington make you feel like you should be ashamed of who you really are, who you love or what you want to do with your life. You are a hero, you’re a hard worker and you are a good person. A parents job is to love their children no matter what but believe me you are more than deserving.”“Now I won’t take up any more of your morning, you go on back to sleep but just remember I’m here when you need me and there isn’t a thing you can do or say that’ll make me less proud of you.” Steve gave him one more brief hug then headed back to the bedroom where he slipped into bed with Eddie, sighing contentedly.They stayed there, in various stages of drowsy snoozing until a little after 10 when Eddie’s stomach growled and they both rose and got dressed to face the day. Wayne was asleep on the sofa bed so Steve offered to feed Eddie at his place and off they went in the Beemer. Steve had wanted to check in on Max before they left but the lights were off inside so he just hoped for the best for him.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~In the car Eddie sleepily kept changing the radio after deeming every tape Steve had inferior but never really settled on one for long before they’d arrived. Eddie tried to argue he was fine with cereal but Steve made them omelets, mostly because he wanted something warm but also because it was a good way to make sure Eddie consumed at least one vegetable, mushrooms, that day.For all his bluster about not needing real food he ate it like a man possessed, shoveling huge bites in his mouth and moaning about how delicious it was loudly, making Steve laugh til he cried. Steve ate his much slower, in precise bites til it was gone and only then did he look up at Eddie again, who he found staring back with hooded eyes. “Damn Harrington, you’re gonna make an excellent 50s housewife for someone someday,” he said with a predatory grin.Normally that kind of joke or remark would make Steve laugh, or if it was coming from the kids he’d pretend to be mad and tell them to shut up. But today, it made him remember all the times they’d jokingly call him a mom and made his heart feel warm. “Do you really think so?” he asked with a shaky grin after the silence between them had stretched on too long.Eddie looked at him, eyes still heavily lidded with sleepiness, and it made his belly feel hot - he looked down at the empty plate in front of him to avoid the intense gaze. “Steve, do you…are you…have you been feeling anything since reading the zine and talking to the kids? Any kind of…self reflection?” The air between them felt electrified and Steve slowly looked up again at Eddie who was staring back with a look of recognition and something almost like…hope?“I…I’m not sure. I know I’m more confused than I’ve ever been but I feel like something is definitely…well, changing is the wrong word. Reversing? I don’t know, I feel like I’m not making any sense.” Steve said, pushing his hair back with a sigh. “Like you miss a childhood toy you never actually got for Christmas even though you begged and pleaded for it?”“Yes!” Steve said with a laugh, “yep, that is exactly what it feels like. I guess Santa isn’t gonna bring it after all this time though, huh?” Eddie stood up and let out a stretch reminiscent of the feral cats he was always feeding at the back of the trailer park. “Oh I wouldn’t be too sure about that. I have an idea, do you trust me?” he asked, holding out his hand across the dining table.Steve nodded silently and let Eddie take his hand as they left the table and headed upstairs. Eddie turned to the right and Steve made a small noise in the back of his throat knowing they were heading towards his parents' suite, but Eddie turned and said, “just trust me,” so Steve kept following.Once inside Eddie set Steve down on a rosy pink antique chaise his mother had always forbade him from sitting on. He felt a little drunk with power shamelessly sprawling on it now. He was so caught up in the moment he didn’t realize Eddie had disappeared inside their walk-in closet and was mumbling to himself as he slid hangers to and fro, opened drawers and even what sounded like a hatbox or two.After a few long minutes Eddie called from within the closet, “okay, stand up and close your eyes.” Steve felt nerves race up his spine as he stood but did what Eddie asked, knowing in his gut there was almost nothing that Eddie could ask of him that he wouldn’t do. “Now I’m gonna change your clothes but I won’t take it past your boxers, is that okay? I can always put things on over what you’re wearing if you’d be more comfortable, it just wouldn’t necessarily look as good.”Steve struggled to find his voice, and was sorely tempted to open his eyes so he could see what Eddie’s studying gaze made of him being exposed like that but in the end he just nodded, eyes firmly shut. Eddie’s hands moved methodically over his body, not lingering or overly familiar but still gentle, kind. It was a touch Steve had never felt the equal to and it made him want to cry. He just felt cherished, special and…he didn’t know what to do with that feeling.He felt more clothing being added back, making him shiver as his bare skin warmed again beneath the layers of soft, luxurious fabrics. “Okay now I’m gonna guide you to the chair again but keep those pretty hazel eyes closed, okay?” Steve didn’t trust his voice to respond so he just did what was asked, sitting carefully with his eyes carefully closed.Steve nearly flinched when he felt hands in his hair, a reflex from years of keeping away the rough hands of guys on the team, girls who were too eager on dates or even the sticky grip of one Dustin Henderson. But he let himself relax as Eddie ran his long, thin fingers through his hair, rearranging it just the way his vision wanted it to look. He somehow knew deep down the next thing touching his skin would be makeup but the soft touch of brushes and sponges to his face still felt like it was happening to someone else - like he wasn’t the one inside his body.It smelled sort of like chemicals but not in a bad way, and the bristles were soft in Eddie’s deft grip. When he softly whispered, “can you part your lips for me, just for a second?” and began to paint them with lipstick Steve suddenly found himself remembering being 5 years old and doing the exact same thing - only much messier. Mary Harrington had not been amused when he came downstairs that afternoon covered in her expensive beauty products but when he’d first seen himself in the mirror that day covered in bright colors he felt…beautiful.A single tear ran down his face and Eddie carefully wiped it away before blotting a little more powder on that cheek and whispering, “is it too much sweetheart? Do you want me to stop?” Steve just shook his head carefully and let himself get lost in the moment once again. It was heady, being the singular focus of another person - especially when that person was someone he had such strong feelings about. But if he…if he let himself have this moment that was barreling towards without brakes…would Eddie still be interested, would he be interested in her?As if on cue Eddie pulled back and sprayed a fine mist of perfume in the air nearby before pulling Steve up to walk through it, leading them both over to where the vanity mirror waited. “Are you ready?” Rather than answer Steve looked in the mirror and let out a soft gasp at what was looking back in the glass. Her makeup was subtle, soft, but still made her eyes sparkle and brought a natural, easy smile to her face when she noticed how much prettier the lipstick was as she grinned.Obviously, her hair wasn’t magically any longer but the way Eddie styled it framed her face and made her look so delicate and soft. She stepped back a bit to look at the clothes Eddie had picked out - a soft, ivory turtleneck that was loose on top but fitted at the waist which gave the illusion of an hourglass figure. The skirt was made of layers of rosy silky chiffon that flared out from the widest part of her hips and floated down to her ankles. She hadn’t even realized he placed a thin gold chain around her neck that hung just below the turtleneck seam.Everything was so dainty and soft - not at all what she expected, but she felt more comfortable and at ease than she could remember in a long time…maybe ever. “Oh Eddie…it’s wonderful, truly. I can’t thank you enough,” she trailed off, moving closer to the mirror to touch her face in the reflection. She felt tears welling but before they could fall Eddie dabbed gently at them with a tissue, “don’t go ruining my hard work just yet, gorgeous.” The two of them laughed softly, as if being too loud or boisterous would break the spell somehow.“So…any thoughts on what you’d like me to call you? Other than beautiful anyway…” Eddie teased, gently holding her hands in his. She blushed and looked down at her feet…still bare and looking a little too masculine so she looked up again and decided to be brave. “Stevie…though you can call me beautiful anytime you want, Eds.” He pulled her closer, pressing her hands up against his lips quickly, just the softest brush of a kiss, “you’re okay with…me being what I am?”“I care about you, not about what gender you are…as long as you’re happy I want to support you in any way I can,” she stepped a little closer, their hips nearly flush and whispered with a small amount of apprehension, “are you okay with me being what I am? I know it’s all new and I’ve still got a lot to learn but I also don’t want to disappoint you if you’d rather be with…” she never got to finish the sentence because Eddie closed the gap between them with a firm press of his lips against hers.Stevie thought she couldn’t feel more delicate than seeing herself in this outfit but the feeling of being held by Eddie was another level. His arms felt so strong wrapping around her waist, his teeth nipping at the soft skin of her neck just below her earlobe as he pulled back from the kiss - it was all making her feel like she was on fire; she just wanted to hang onto this feeling forever. Just when she thought it couldn’t get more romantic he leaned down to scoop her up in his arms and carry her to, “the guest room?” she mused aloud as he placed her on the bed.“I thought you might appreciate the ambiance in here more than in the plaid raceway room,” he said with a shy duck of his head. She looked around at the room she’d always hated because it was too ‘girly’ - full of furnishings his mother hand picked and realized he was right, it was oddly comforting to be there in this moment. “Thank you, Eds, you’re really too sweet,” she said, placing a soft kiss on his lips then leaning back to wipe off the lipstick that was left behind. “But you’ve got another thing coming if you think you’re getting me in bed that easy.”He looked at her in shock, “what kind of scoundrel do you take me for Miss Harrington?” he asked with an over the top Southern accent, “I would never impugn the honor of a delicate blossom such as yourself without following the proper courting rituals. I can’t believe you think I’d stoop so low.” He flailed back on the mattress beside her dramatically and she couldn’t resist the urge to tickle his sides in retaliation, the two of them wrestling back and forth for a few minutes before he pinned her down onto the bed, grinning down from above.She shivered to be held down not only by his strong hands but his dark eyes, seeing who she really was, it was a potent feeling to be seen as who you are for the first time. He leaned down, kissing her over and over until she was dizzy, licking so deeply into her mouth she couldn’t tell which tongue was her own anymore. His body weight on top of her should have felt suffocating but instead it just made her feel like she was something delicate, something cherished.After what seemed like both an eternity and yet not long enough wrapped in each other’s embrace, they pulled apart to rest their bruised lips and just laid side by side holding hands. Stevie could hardly breathe from the combination of exertion and excitement but it didn’t stop her from giggling and turning to look at her ‘boyfriend'? She thought to herself with a grin. “So when are you gonna do the respectable thing and take me out to dinner Munson?”“Tonight and every night you’ll have me sweetheart. You’re my girl, after all.”