Work Text
“Nick asks you if you’re free for a band meeting tomorrow morning,” Louise says, Alex’ phone in her hand.Alex sighs. “Remind me again why you’re reading my messages?”“Because you don’t,” the answer follows swiftly. “I’m out, see you this evening.”Alex takes his phone and drafts a text asking Nick about the occasion. The ‘typing’ indicator appears and leaves again without a response. Then, Alex gets an incoming call by Nick.Nick immediately starts stuttering gibberish – greetings foregone – before settling on, “Do you ever have the feeling that it’s wrong for you to be a man?” A self-deprecating chuckle, before he answers his own question, “Probably not, huh. But I do, and I think I’m non-binary.”Alex blanches at this unexpected disclosure. He should come up with something sensible, but he hears his mouth saying something along the lines of ‘Are you keeping Nick?’ instead.Nick laughs. “I am. ‘s pretty neutral I think. Pronouns ‘they/their’ though.”Alex nods, although on a basic level he knows Nick can’t see him, and it kicks his head back into gear. “So, you want to come out to the public, I understand, if you’re planning a meeting?”Nick hums and confirms that’s what he – no they – want to discuss the following day. Nick and Alex talk a couple additional minutes about the difference between male, female and unisex aviators, meaningful conversation long forgotten, before Nick draws the call to a close.“Thanks Al, you’re a good mate,” they say before the line goes dead.
The morning of the Zoom-call, Alex spent digging into the back of his closet; looking for his rainbow shirt. Silly, but he wants Nick to feel as supported as possible. Just slightly additionally, he likes the opportunity for wearing it. Matt immediately remarks on it and Nick cuts him off to give the rest of the band the same information as they did to Alex.Jamie is the first to react, “Wow, respect man- I mean, you know, not man….”“I’m happy for you Nick,” Tyler says with a wide smile on his face.“So, you’ll have to choose between coming out and distracting from the music for a bit or keeping quiet and getting misgendered all the time,” Matt says, practical as ever.Tom picks in, “Not to be a downer or anything, but I would consider it very carefully. It will stick to the band for a long time, if you like it or not.“Nah, I reckon there’s enough variety in music for it to blow over quickly,” Matt argues.Tyler adds, “You should also think about how much of a role-model you want to be.”“I’ve notified management already, they are happy to have a meeting in fifteen minutes,” Alex informs Nick. “If you want to, of course.”Nick nods, a resolute look on their face. “Let’s just get it over with.”
In the end, after a particularly long and at times heated call, they come to an agreement which entails the Monkeys putting out a press release in two weeks, accompanied by an interview for the BBC with Nick and Alex. Alex is supposed to stay in the background and merely support Nick, but you never know with these journo people. And he isn’t under any circumstances to wear the shirt, as management pointed out. Alex had nodded sullenly, long used to people telling him what he can and can’t do. He didn’t even protest when their media woman told every single band member but him that this was the time to say something if they had any more public statements. All shook their heads and Alex looked down, biting his lip.
Alex thinks back to the question Nick posed to him earlier: Do you ever have the feeling that it’s wrong for you to be a man? Alex had. There was a time he thought everything would be easier if he was just born a woman. Maybe it would have been, or maybe his and Miles’ journey would’ve ended the exact same way. So he tried not to think about it anymore. No use losing your head to what-ifs and buts, is there?
The make-up itches on Alex’ face as he and Nick wait in an uncomfortable couch for the interviewer to come along. The interview starts off well enough, with the pre-planned – most of them anyway – musical questions.Are you working on new music? – Yes, always tinkering with stuffAny news of a seventh album? – No, nothing set in stone yetIs Paris a good influence or are the creative juices only flowing in London? – (What the fuck?) They both have rivers I guess, you choose what to make of that Lily“So, nothing new much on the musical front, since you’re here for a different reason,” the interviewer smoothly bridges to the main theme of the conversation. “Nick, I understand that you’re coming out as ‘non-binary’. Can you explain this to us and why you made the decision now?”Alex listens to Nick spin a lengthy story about thinking about their family and the band, but ultimately having to face that they can’t just ignore their identity indefinitely. Alex feels for them, hearing it all laid out like that; wishing they said something sooner. He wonders if he’s to blame too. Should he have noticed something was off, as Nick’s friend? He starts when the interviewer addresses him, asking how he feels about the change.“I uh, I’m proud of them for making this step,” Alex mumbles.“And you still consider yourself a man?”“It’s not infectious or summat,” Alex drawls. “But yeah, still male here Lily.”The interviewer gets the point and switches back to Nick, asking them a little more about what they would’ve wanted to hear about gender identity from their heroes as a kid. Then the interview draws to a close. All Nick says about it afterwards is how thankful they are that Alex agreed to come with them. Nick was always too nice to criticize daft interviews.
The evening before the news is due, Alex calls Zane Lowe. He’s back in Paris and walking up the walls, his mind grappling for any kind of action.“Hi Alex,” Zane says, sounding surprised. “What’s new?”“I’m homosexual, I’m coming out of the closet. Can you get an interview fixed that goes out tomorrow morning, UK time?”Silence. Then, considerate to a grating degree, “I’m sure that can be arranged for a friend. But Alex, are you sure? Are you okay?”“Listen,” Alex says, “Tomorrow there’s a press release coming out that announces Nick’s non-binary. If I don’t do this now, I’ll be stuck forever.”“Okay … Relax, we’ll figure it out. Interview via phone or videocall?”
Alex feels a whole lot calmer when he says goodbye to Zane after doing the quick chat on the topic of his sexuality, airing 9 am UK-time. He’s going to be in major trouble with the label, but he doesn’t care. He thinks about Louise upstairs, completely unaware to what’s coming and he redirects the train of thought. Life will start to unravel soon enough, so he drags a blanket to the couch and calls it a day.
Alex declines call after call from management. When Matt’s number appears on the screen, he contemplates picking up, but as Miles’ call comes in a couple seconds later the outcome was never in doubt.“Alex? What have you done?” Miles asks, his tone part disbelief and part amusement.“What you told me to do six years ago.”A scoff. “You better not be telling me that you did this for me.”“No,” Alex says, the words forever failing him out loud. “But I don’t know, your suggestion got stuck in my head I think.”“Maybe it’s not a good idea to have this conversation over the phone,” Miles says, his voice roughening a bit around the edges.That’s when Louise walks in, hurling one of his leather jackets at his head along with some French choice-words. Alex steps aside to avoid an unfortunate meeting between the metal clasp and his eye. It clatters on the floor instead and that seems to infuriate Louise even further.“Why am I the last to know that her boyfriend is gay? Is it even true or is it another one of your pathetic lies?” She takes a breath, which isn’t calming in the slightest. “And can you fucking stop calling?”Alex lowers the phone. “I- It’s true. Has always been true, long before I met you.”Louise looks at him like’s he’s dog poo stuck under her shoe, lesser even.“You absolute dick,” she whispers before turning on her heels and storming out.Alex can feel a tear sliding down his cheek, only to stop and dangle beneath his chin. He liked Louise, loved her even. He didn’t think of her as a beard and it pains him to think she sees it that way. Due to his failure to be honest with her.“Miles, you still there?”His friend hums in confirmation. “I take it you’re coming back to England for a while?”“I guess. Can’t really throw her out now, can I?”He already knows the joke is going to fall flat, but he makes it anyway.“Okay, look, let’s talk when you’re here. But don’t get your hopes up Alex. People are right to be angry with you now.”Alex hangs his head. “Yes Miles, I understand. I’m sorry, for everything.”
In his mind, the band meeting Nick set up to process the reactions would be a sanctuary of normality.“Didn’t think you would appear,” he’s greeted by a grinning Nick. “Way to overrun my news.”Alex grins back, warmed by the familiar feeling of them against the world, before he sees that Jamie doesn’t share the same opinion. He’s sitting rigidly in his chair, something he only does when stressed.“Matt is furious,” he warns Alex before the latter can think Jamie is secretly a homophobe. “He doesn’t understand why you haven’t said anything and so do I to be honest.”Before Alex has the time to start explaining, Matt joins the call and immediately starts yelling. In fact, he doesn’t stop yelling about Alex not trusting them until he quits again.“I’m going to go too before I say something I’ll regret,” Jamie says and leaves as well.Alex remains behind dazedly.“I get it, Al,” Nick says, a grand total of one mate that supports him. “They’ll come around.”Alex nods, not fully trusting his voice yet.“It’s maybe bit hypocritical of me to say, but talk to me if you feel up for it sometime?”“Yeah,” Alex mumbles. “You mind if I go too?”Nick gestures for him to do his thing, so Alex closes the lid of his laptop, sitting behind the table for a few moments. Then he gets up and goes to the bedroom, where he buries himself beneath the duvet. The smell of Louise lingering doesn’t exactly calm him down. Nor does the thought that Nick can keep silent for several years and be supported, while when he does the same he gets yelled at by his best mates.
The constant ringing of his phone subsided when it became clear that he isn’t going to pick up today. So when it starts again that night, Alex – still hiding in his bed – makes the effort to check the caller. It’s Jamie.“I’m sorry, I’m an idiot for not realising that you needed a friend today.”Alex has to swallow a lump in his throat before he can answer, “Thanks. Thank you.”Jamie’s voice is nothing but gentle as he encourages Alex to talk now it’s out in the open. So Alex talks. He tells Jamie about how he and Miles started seeing each other after the Puppets tour, how it was the best year of his life. How the Monkeys went back to the studio and things became difficult. How Miles ended it, because Alex wasn’t willing to tell a living soul.At the end he’s sobbing as he explains to Jamie, “I just didn’t want to burden anyone with my secret to keep. Because it couldn’t go public, management made that abundantly clear.”“Oh Al, that must have been incredibly lonely. Fuck, two of my mates were struggling the last years and I didn’t….” Jamie sounds close to tears too. “Wish I could give you a hug right now.”Alex smiles wetly. “I’m coming back to the UK tomorrow. Keep it until I’m there, okay?”
Alex immediately spots Miles as he walks into the establishment. They agreed to meet up for coffee, although Miles is already nursing a cup of tea by the looks of it. Miles catches Alex’ gaze and he stands up to greet Alex. They hug, with Alex clinging to Miles’ familiar scent as a life line. Miles hugs him back with equal ferociousness and for some mere seconds, Alex lets himself believe that they went back in time somehow. He almost utters those three words, the ones he no longer has the right to say to Miles, but he catches his tongue in time. Miles is blushing a little as they separate, eyes averted.“’s been a while,” he mumbles. “Hi you.”They sit down. Alex fumbles with the menu for a bit, before ordering his usual coffee.Miles clears his throat. “So, how are you doing?”
My best mate is still furious with me, along with my ex-girlfriend, management and probably a heap of other people too. And I still don’t know how you feel about it.
“I’m fine.”“And Louise?”Alex shrugs. “Couldn’t tell ya, she avoided me right until I left. We’re definitely over.”Alex’ coffee arrives and they both sip of their beverages in awkward silence, until Alex can’t bear it anymore and he tentatively inquires that Miles wanted to talk, his heart hammering in his chest.Miles keeps quiet and just looks at Alex for a long time before answering, “What did you mean when you said that it did play a role, or it getting stuck in your head or whatever, me telling you to come out?”Alex’ eyes unwillingly flick to the people around taking an avid interest in their conversation, feeling the telltale eyes burning a hole in his back. A group of teenagers even has cameras directed at them, he sees now. Miles too noticed them; he sighs before telling Alex to finish his drink and come with him.
Miles hails them a cab back to his place. Alex can’t help but see this as a signal that Miles still cares, that there is a possibility to go back to how they were before.“Firstly, you were right that I’d be a miserable sod if I didn’t,” Alex tells him in the solitude of the car. “And, maybe, I wanted to let you know that I regret my decision back then?”The last part is barely more than a whisper, but Miles heard it alright judging by him stiffening in his seat.“You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t put everyone’s well-being in front of your own,” Miles says after a long silence, with a sort of grim smile on his face.Alex’ heart makes a little jump before plummeting back down with a thump. Miles sort of used these words when they broke up and yet, Alex feels like they carry an endearment.
He stews in his own head until they pull up on Miles’ driveway. Alex hasn’t been at Miles’ home since he was told to pack up. After a quick glance around, Alex sees that some things have changed in the apartment, but it mostly stayed the same. It still smells the same. He forces his gaze from the interior to Max, who – loudly barking – has come running. Whilst Alex has absolutely nothing with animals, he kneels down and lets the white ball of fur slobber on his pants and hands because Miles would like him to.“Hi Maxie,” he coos. “I’m Alex.”As he looks up, Miles is in stitches. “Al please, everyone can see your disgust from a mile away.”Cranky that his efforts are in vain, Alex stands up and tries to get the drool off, which proves to be impossible. Still laughing, Miles opens a door and lets Max out onto the balcony.“Very funny,” Alex mutters as he takes a seat in the dog-hair covered couch. “Excuse me for trying to make a good impression on your dog.”“Why would you…?” Miles’ eyes flicker up to catch his and Alex’ breath gets stuck in his throat. “Al?”“You know why,” Alex says, and it sounds as naked as he feels.Miles lets out an audible gasp. “You… Are you… Still?”“Shall I be cheesy and self-referential?” Alex asks, a sudden cheekiness appearing in his speech.Miles looks at him non-comprehendingly, so Alex clarifies he’s talking about The Ultracheese, tone dull again.“I haven’t uh, listened to the whole of Tranquillity Base, Hotel and Casino,” Miles confesses with a blush adorning his face. “I was pretty angry.”I have listened to everything you put out at least fifty times, Alex thinks, but he says, “Yes, still. Haven’t stopped then and haven’t stopped now.”“Alex I-”“I get it. I probably don’t deserve a second chance,” Alex picks in immediately. “But I’m asking for one anyway. It’s out. Six years late, but it’s out now.”Miles picks up speed as well. “What about the next time you have to choose between me and the band? How can I know it will be different?”“I’m not going to make empty promises,” Alex concedes, carefully thinking about every word. “So I won’t say I’ll always put you first. But I do promise I’ll come to you with it and talk it through this time.”Miles lets out another choked sound and then he’s suddenly huddled against Alex, his head on Alex’ chest.“Fuck you if you hurt me again,” Miles says shakily.When or why the tears have started streaming down his face, Alex doesn’t know and he frankly doesn’t care as he gets out, “Even I can’t be as stupid as letting you go a second time.”Miles’ hand comes up to wipe the tears away, an infinitely tender gesture. Alex closes his eyes, but he can feel in the shaky movements that Miles isn’t keeping it dry either.
“You have to tell them about us,” Miles mumbles, head still heavy on Alex’ body.“I did, Jamie knows,” Alex answers, petting Miles’ buzz cut.“No I mean- the public.”Alex starts, his hand freezing in its movement. Is it still not enough for Miles?“It’s no ultimatum or anything,” Miles picks up on his fear and tries to soothe him. “I just don’t see it working out otherwise; you’ll be under strict media surveillance the coming time. Making the same mistakes and all of that.”Alex resumes stroking. “I guess. I’ll think about it, and discuss it with the others first.”Miles cranes his neck and smiles up at him. “’Course. Wouldn’t want to get in trouble with them lot.”The corners of Alex’ mouth pull up on their own accord as Miles’ charm pulls him in.
Alex is greeted by the expected bear hug as he passes Jamie’s doorstep.“Come here, you fucking moron,” Jamie whispers as he pulls Alex close.Katie appears as well, followed by Nick. Alex struggles out of Jamie’s death grip to lunge at his other bandmate.“You have purple nails,” he remarks as he embraces Nick, instead of the more logical question of how they got here.“Katie did them,” Nick explains.She flashes Alex a proud grin. “They’re experimenting.”“What do you think? I’m not sold on the purple.”“I told you, if you want to paint them beige, it’s not worth the effort. And as I also told you, they would look even more dashing with a splash of eyeliner.”“I’m not into sticky stuff that close to my eyes!”Jamie rolls his eyes at Alex, gesturing to his wife and bandmate. “They’ve been going at it for an hour. Think I liked Nick better when they weren’t obsessed with… beauty stuff.”“James! Be supportive of them,” Katie orders.“I am! I’m just tired of the bloody nails.”Alex laughs at his friends’ shenanigans and pushes them further inside, dragging his duffel behind him.
“So Al, have you spoken to Miles?” Nick asks as they’re settled in on the terrace.The smile that seems to be ever present since getting back together with Miles grows bigger. “I did.”“Ooh, something happened,” Katie squeals. “Spill!”As he relays the content of their talk, Alex gets buried in hugs again.“Should’ve brought him with you,” Jamie says.“I’m not sharing a bed with Miles and Alex,” Nick vetoes the plan.Alex drawls, “He’s busy, unlike you.”“We can’t all be worldwide known rockstars.” Nick fake-pouts before grimacing. “Oh fuck, now all we’re getting for the next album will be tooth-rotting love songs.”“Think I can dedicate a song or two to your nails, dick,” Alex retaliates. “By the way, I have something to discuss, but I should talk to Matt first.”Jamie hands Alex his phone with a compassionate glance. Alex takes it, having to put a conscious effort into not letting his face fall. He didn’t expect Matt to still be too angry to take Alex’ call.
He moves away to a quieter place and dials Matt’s number.“Jamie, you’re calling bloody early,” Matt’s rough voice comes through the speaker.Alex swallows. “It’s me. I’m fucking sorry about not telling you, okay? It was on the tip of my tongue so many times, but I couldn’t risk it getting out. Not a single soul knew, I swear.”“Miles did,” Matt says, the hurt evident in his voice. “I would never rat on you Al, I don’t get why you didn’t trust me enough.”“I know, and it was stupid looking back,” Alex says, raising his voice. “But before you go all high and mighty parading around with a knife in your back, remember that I chose you guys over Miles.”Alex ignores Matt’s protest and steamrolls on, “I did what I did because I thought I was protecting you. So if you find it in you to get over yourself and pick up your phone when I’m calling, I’d like to discuss something with all of you.”Alex almost hangs up following his outburst, but Matt stops him, haltingly telling Alex that maybe he overreacted a little, making it all about him while Alex was clearly struggling.“Thanks,” Alex says, feeling lighter but not fully comfortable yet. “I’m putting you on speaker, okay?”He walks back to the rest of the group and starts lining out his plan to introduce him and Miles to the world. Aside from Matt, who’s spluttering at the revelation that Alex and Miles are a couple again, everybody reacts like he’s announcing he’s going shopping. Until he reveals that it involves him and Miles on top of a pride wagon, dressed up in full rainbow outfit.“Al, c’mon.” Jamie almost can’t get the words out because he’s laughing too hard. “You hate that stuff.”“Miles would love it,” Alex simply says. “So it’s perfect for me.”Nick mimics barfing.“And I thought you could come too,” Alex continues unperturbed. “If you want.”A wall of sound emerges from the phone on the table. Alex thinks to understand that Matt wants to climb on the wagon too and fucking cheer when they’re kissing. And that he’ll throw punches if management gives Alex grief.“Please do Matt,” Alex says, a warm feeling rising in his stomach.
During a quieter moment in the evening, Alex videocalls Miles to let him know the plans. Miles picks up with his guitar on his lap, smiling like the little sunshine he is.“Do you prefer Liverpool, Sheffield or London pride to be on top of a float? Maybe London is a bit quick though – I still have to iron the shirt – but we can make it work,” Alex gets straight down to business.“I- what?”Alex repeats himself, this time providing a little more context for his bamboozled partner. When he gets the message across, Miles is – if possible – smiling ever broader than before.“You are willing to do that for me?” he asks, looking adorably amazed.At that moment, Nick walks in. “Al, Jamie asks if you- oh sorry.”Despite Nick realising that they’re intruding, they plop down next to Alex, pull an arm around him and wave at Miles on the screen.“I hear congratulations are in order Mr. Kane.”“Thanks Nick,” Miles responses. “Hey, I meant to give you a buzz, but the last couple days were a bit crazy. How are you holding up?”Nick smirks. “Good, due to Alex’ excellent qualities as lightning rod.”“I’ll leave if you want to gossip,” Alex says, grinning, and does so.
When Nick returns him his phone half an hour later, Miles is still sitting with his guitar on his lap.“Hey, sorry, Nick side-tracked our conversation a little.” Miles hesitates, “Do you mind if we continue tomorrow? James is kinda waiting on me.”“No, go. But uhm, Miles?”Miles looks inquiringly at Alex, silently urging him to go ahead. Alex’ heart jolts forwards, agreeing with what he wants Miles to know.It continues to thump rapidly as he clears his throat. “Maybe it’s weird timing, and you don’t have to say it back you know, but… I love you.”Miles doesn’t skip a beat. “I love you too, you big softie.”