Work Text
The symptoms were never very clear. At first, they weren't very frequent. We often thought it was just a migraine or food poisoning. Then the symptoms came back and I tried to ignore them because my mother thought I was pretending to be ill so I wouldn't have to go to lessons.
I didn't feel very well but I didn't think it was anything serious. I thought it would pass.
But then I fainted in Paris and my boyfriend, Nick, started to worry. He asked me questions and researched my symptoms. He thought I might be ill. But I didn't want to believe him. Typing symptoms on the internet doesn't mean anything. But then I started fainting more often, feeling nauseous and losing my appetite and sleep. I had to admit that Nick was right and that something was wrong. But I was afraid to tell my parents. I was afraid they wouldn't believe me. Nick helped me to tell them. He told me how worried he was and that touched me. With his help, I told my parents the list of my symptoms. They made an appointment and I underwent several medical tests. That's when I was told there was a possibility I might have cancer. Things started to go wrong after that.
My symptoms got worse. I was vomiting very often. I was very tired. My friends and family tried to help me but I was very irritable. I just wanted to sleep, so I stopped going to lessons. My mother didn't like that very much, but in my condition she couldn't send me to school. One night, my condition worsened and I had to be rushed to hospital. There was no longer any doubt. I did indeed have cancer and I was to stay in hospital for several months undergoing chemotherapy.
It was a difficult time for me and my family. I stayed in hospital for several months. The cancer treatment wasn't fun. It was painful and tiring. There were days when I thought I'd never recover from cancer. Then, little by little, things started to get better. I wasn't cured yet, but the doctors were optimistic. At first, I felt so bad and disgusting that I didn't want Nick to see me like this. Only my parents and my sister, Tori, came to visit me. Then, after a few weeks, I started to feel better and I allowed Nick to come and see me. It was good to see him again and I think he was happy to see me too. My friends didn't come, because I didn't want them to, but they didn't hesitate to show their support with a card and gifts. Tao, my best friend, even made me a film about their lives so that I wouldn't miss anything. It warmed my heart.
When I left hospital, the doctors warned me that I was going to suffer some side effects. First of all, I'd lost my hair and I was having a lot of trouble getting used to it. On top of that, I was always nauseous and had trouble eating. The first few days after hospital weren't much fun because of the nausea and tiredness, but at least I got to spend time with Nick and my sister who I'd missed so much.
Christmas Day was easier than I thought it would be. My maternal grandparents, who are notorious for their incessant criticism, didn't criticise me for losing weight or losing my hair. My cousin told me how happy she was that I was better and my uncle asked me if the hospital I was in was decorated for Christmas. My parents even agreed to let me go up to my room when I told them how tired I was. My family knew that I was still suffering the consequences of my operation and they were very understanding. I had a great Christmas with my family and Nick even came to visit me afterwards.
I felt a bit better after Christmas. I met up with my friends in the New Year and it was good to see them again. I even went back to school thanks to the help of friends, Nick and the teachers. But the improvement didn't last long. One evening when my parents and sister were away, I invited Nick home for dinner. It was just the two of us, we thought everything was fine, but then I started to feel really bad and I threw up all my dinner. I felt so ashamed and disgusting that I shouted at Nick to leave. I felt terrible. I was scared. He was scared. My sister came home. She helped me get back on my feet and then called Nick. He came back, apologised for leaving, I apologised for shouting at him and then he stayed to sleep. Nick saw me in a very vulnerable moment and I was afraid he wouldn't want me after that. But he stayed. I saw the doctor again a few days after the incident and he told me it was all part of the process. The nausea would soon stop.
Chemotherapy made it very difficult for me to accept my body again. My hair took a long time to grow back and I was repulsed by my thinness. Nick and I were beginning to discover our first sexual desires. I really wanted to do it with him but my body disgusted me. Fortunately, Nick was very patient. He waited until I was ready and the first few times we did it, he didn't say anything about the fact that I kept my T-shirt on. Little by little, I regained my confidence and Nick helped me to love my body again.
Cancer was a difficult ordeal. For me and for those close to me. We're all afraid it will come back, but in the meantime, I want to feel better and live my life. I fought a fatal disease and survived. I want to at least try to be well for a while.
The people around me have been understanding, if I've been tired or not feeling well enough to go to lessons. They all told me to rest without even thinking and wished me well. That's what happens when you have a physical illness that other people can see. They're more understanding and less judgemental on days when you're struggling to function.
I've always wondered whether people would have reacted differently if I'd had a physical, visible illness like cancer.
It's completely the opposite with mental illness. Other people are inclined to judge you, to accuse you of faking it or not trying hard enough. But do you condemn someone with cancer because they faint? Or because they're exhausted? So why is it that when it comes to anorexia and my OCD, people don't understand? I'm fighting a fatal mental illness but because it's invisible, other people think I'm making it up and that all I have to do is force myself to eat. It doesn't work like that. I wish more people understood that…