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The sky was gray again. It never seemed to change anymore. Most of Marvin's days seemed to be a continuous loop, monotonous and forever stuck in time. Wake up, eat his breakfast, go to work, talk with Whizzer, and go to bed. Wash, rinse, repeat. His only source of some sort of enjoyment came from Jason, his small beacon of light in the darkness. Even then, the two both lacked the same energy that they used to have. But their loss still proved beneficial, as awful as that sounded. They were closer than they had ever been. Aside from himself, his son was hit the hardest by Whizzer's passing. It brought Marvin some comfort in knowing that he was helping Jason heal as well. Marvin just wished that their bonding had come about a different way. Not like this.
Marvin visited Whizzer every day, bringing his son along when he had him during the weekends, but most of the time it was just him. They would talk for hours, catching up on what had been going on in Marvin's life, though it was never very interesting without his boyfriend there. Whizzer would tease him for being so boring now.
The cemetery wasn't far away. It was a good opportunity to get some exercise in, as he knew that rotting in his bed all day wouldn't aid his pain any quicker. Though, as of late, his daily walk had become gradually more strenuous. Marvin knew that he was growing ill, but if Whizzer toughed it out for as long as he did, so could he. He hadn't told Whizzer yet. Today would be that day.
It was the dead of Winter. Marvin shivered against the frigid wind chill as he followed the directions to the grave. He had a map of the cemetery laid out in his mind. It didn't take him long to memorize where Whizzer was. He had been coming for about a year now. Whizzer laid under a tree, the branches now bare. Marvin held a bouquet. Red roses-- his lover's favorite. Whizzer always got on Marvin's ass for not being romantic enough in the early stages of their relationship. It was never too late to make up for it. A thin blanket of snow covered the grassy hill. A gust of wind blew off a light dusting from the branches, clouding Marvin's vision. He coughed into his sweatshirt sleeve. This was getting harder by the day. His muscles ached with every movement.
But that didn't matter. What mattered to him was Whizzer. Once he made it to the top, he sat down, resting his head on the gravestone as he placed the roses beside him. After brushing some of the snow off the gravestone, he gazed wearily into the distance, stopping to catch his breath. The sun had begun to set from behind the clouds, painting the horizon a light orange hue. "Hey, Whizz," Marvin said.
You look like shit,
Whizzer would have replied. Marvin chuckled to himself softly. "Yeah..." he sighed. "I know."
Silence passed between them for a moment. Marvin bit his lip, searching for something to say, anything at all that would be of value. He could only tell Whizzer so many times that he loved him. He was sure that Whizzer had gotten sick of it by now. But what more could he say?
"S-Sorry..." Marvin muttered. "I know you've gotta bored of me by now. I mean, who wants to hear about the same thing every day? I know I wouldn't." He paused.
"Well, there's maybe... one new thing. I haven't really been feeling too great, lately. You've-- probably noticed." Marvin shrugged. He could feel a lump starting to form in his throat. The man swallowed hard before continuing. "I went in for a checkup the other day. They told me they'd give me a call once they had the results."
Marvin's lip quivered, bringing his knees up closer to his chest. He fidgeted with his hands, exhaling shakily.
"I-- um... It's not good, Whizz... I-I don't really know... I don't know how much longer I have. They haven't told me yet, at least. I don't know how you stayed so brave through all this, and I'm not even on my deathbed yet. You've got guts." Marvin patted the top of the grave.
It wasn't like he knew this wasn't coming, especially after Charlotte had made him aware of the risk shortly after Whizzer was diagnosed. It was only now that it was becoming unbearably apparent. Death was never something that had crossed his mind before, at least not as such a threatening concept. Marvin was terrified, though he figured that maybe it wasn't the act of dying itself that was so frightening. After all, he believed he'd had a fulfilling life that he wasn't too pressed to be leaving behind, especially now since it had become so dull without Whizzer's liveliness. He wasn't too young, and wasn't so old that he would be suffering. He had a tight knit, loving family. That's all that mattered to him. Perhaps that's what made him afraid to go. He thought of Jason. He was still only so young. No kid should have to deal with the loss of two of their fathers so early in their life. Marvin spent a few extra nights at Mendel and Trina's house, just to be a little bit closer to Jason. Marvin recalled the many tears that were shed the day of and following the funeral, and the countless hours of consoling he spent instead of sleeping as Jason bawled his eyes out, soaking his shirt as Marvin held him close in a tight embrace for what felt like forever. They liked to cry together. Like father like son. He knew that Jason still had his mom and a new stepdad, but he was still his son-- his one and only. One that he prided himself in. Marvin wasn't ready to leave that behind. His vision began to swim as his eyes welled with warm tears. He let one roll down his cheek.
"Maybe I'm just a coward," he sniffed.
The chilly breeze crept up on Marvin again, blowing under his red hoodie. It had grown at least a full size up. He pulled his hood up and over his head, tugging on the strings to cinch it around his face. He shoved his hands in his pockets, rubbing them together. His hands were always cold without Whizzer to hold them. Marvin felt bad. He should have brought a blanket or at least an extra jacket to give to Whizzer. The man wondered if it was cozy or freezing underground. Was it like hibernation? Marvin preferred to think of it that way. Whizzer was just sleeping... very soundly. Maybe that meant that it was nice and warm. Whizzer wasn't lonely. He had him to talk to. Marvin asked himself who would talk to him when he's gone. He hoped Jason would every so often. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. It was a soothing idea, anyway.
Marvin turned to Whizzer. "You don't mind, do you?"
He laid on his side, facing Whizzer. Marvin trembled against the piercing iciness of the snow that now covered his clothes. He hadn't dressed properly, but he didn't care. He curled himself into a ball, allowing himself to sink into the frozen dirt. Marvin could practically feel the rise and fall of Whizzer's chest-- the warmth of his skin. He imagined himself in their bed under the covers, cuddled up close as he listened to the sound of Whizzer's heartbeat. If he focused hard enough, Marvin swore that if he closed his tired eyes, he could still hear it faintly under the snow.
"Oh... what am I going to do?"
That was a rhetorical question.
"C'mon... just give me something. I just wanna be... prepared, I guess. If only you could tell me what it's really like. How am I going to tell them?"
Marvin laid there for hours as Whizzer simply comforted him. He didn't want to leave. He wished he could stop time, to cling onto this moment forever.
"I love you so much," he croaked. "I-I know I say it a lot... but I really mean it. I just-- just need you to know... th-that I..." Marvin finally choked out a sob, his breath hitching with every gasp. He couldn't help it. He had cried himself to sleep nearly every night, and yet this was the relief that he so desperately needed. Marvin took in a deep breath and exhaled. He was ready to go now.
~~~
Marvin observed intently as the seasons changed. It was now springtime. Eventually, he stopped visiting the grave. Though, he never left Whizzer's side. He waited patiently. The trees were in full bloom, and the snow had melted away to reveal a lush green. The sky was dark as thunder cracked above. Raindrops dappled Marvin's shoulders as he sat propped up against a gravestone beside Whizzer's.
"You're really just going to sit there and do nothing? You're getting all wet, you idiot."
Marvin's eyes widened. He turned at the sound of a familiar voice. There he was, holding an umbrella over Marvin's head.
"Whizzer?" Marvin gasped, rising to his feet eagerly. Before Whizzer could respond, Marvin leapt into Whizzer's arms as he weeped with joy, burying his face in his chest. Whizzer squeezed him tight, rubbing his lover's back as they relished in the moment. "Shh..." Whizzer said. "No need to get so emotional. It's just me."
Marvin and Whizzer melted into a kiss. It was the best one they'd ever shared. Marvin pulled away, gingerly grazing Whizzer's cheek. "This... This is real? How are you here? Shouldn't you be--"
"Up 'there?' " Whizzer finished. "See, there's this funny thing about ghosts. You can't exactly leave until you've resolved an unfinished business." He smiled tenderly. "Looks like you're just that."
Marvin glanced back at his own gravestone. Seemed as though that was true for him as well. All that waiting... It was all worth it.
Marvin took Whizzer's hands in his. "I think I'm ready," he decided. Whizzer nodded.
They didn't need to say anything more.