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With a groan, Roxas untangles from the embrace and rolls on his back, the motion forcing the blond to slip out. Lea feels suddenly emptied, a void growing in his gut and it stings. Without the warmth, it hurts. Roxas huffs with delight next to him and both are panting and shaking for the pleasure still running through their bodies. And yet, Lea feels like something is missing.
He reaches out with his fingers, tips searching Roxas’s hand. He finds it and latches on to it, weaving fingers together. The fact that Roxas lets him seek after their physical closeness is a good thing, Lea thinks. Roxas doesn't draw back and his hold is firm, reassuring. But the void doesn't stop growing. It keeps expanding and it dislodges every organ and atom from its place. It reaches his throat and it burns, a fire that is not of the cozy, fulfilling kind.
Their touch, their hold is not enough. Lea shakes and this time is not for pleasure. What the fuck? His brain clouds over, his heart speeds up.
“You okay?”Roxas’s hold tightens and tenses. Lea can feel the blond’s worried look on himself but he can’t get to meet his eyes, staring instead at some imprecise spot until the gaze is lost in the void. He wants to hold back the tears, to tell himself that it’s alright but the emotions overwhelms him, a strange feeling like a grasp on his throat or a shortness of breath. It’s sudden. His mind reroutes itself and Lea is no longer there.
He’s back in a lush forest with tall, rustling trees and the warm rays of sunshine breaking on the stone of rocks peppering the clearing. But Lea can’t feel the warmth. He can’t feel the breeze ruffling his hair. Lea doesn’t feel anything. He hasn’t been for a while now. Since Roxas’s gone and left him behind. Well, he wasn’t supposed to stay behind. He didn’t want to come back. Not without Roxas. It hurts, so bad. The emptiness in his heart. A heart that beats only because Roxas put it there. A heart that should have never beaten again, but it did. It did the moment Roxas looked at him. The moment he smiled at him the first time. Without Roxas, food doesn’t taste. Lea can’t remember the last time he laughed. The more time passes, the less blue are the eyes he remembers. Less blond the soft locks he loved to run his fingers through. All the words he never got to say. All the things they won’t be sharing anymore. Lea cries so much that he can’t breathe. He cries until he’s so exhausted that only sleep can take over. Someone could cut a wound open on his chest, but it’ll never hurt more than missing Roxas. His heart will never bleed more profusely. He will never love again.
“Axel? What’s wrong?”Warm hands stroke his face gently and Lea is back. Through the misty gaze he sees the blue and the gold and his heart starts anew.
“Roxas?”He is startled by his own voice, a cavernous sound from beyond. Fingers swipe the tears under his eyes and in the clear he is met with concern.
“I- I don’t know,” it’s a whine, a lament that shakes him and stabs him. “‘m not sure.”Under the hands that are stroking him, he is still trembling. He wants to keep looking at the blue eyes, to focus on them like a hawser anchoring him to his safe harbor but tears keep spilling out making the effort more challenging. There’s a compelling need washing over him, an urge perhaps. He dares to ask because he can, because he knows that whichever longing and desire takes hold of him, it will never be met with a rejection. So, trying to clear his throat between sobs, he asks. “Can you hold me, please?”“Of course.”Strong arms wind tight around him. He’s swarmed with warmth, the smaller body pressing hard against him. His own arms lock around the lean back and they stay like this, embracing. Lea sobs on Roxas’s shoulder and the hold grows stronger at every breath. Fingers run through his hair and lips press wherever they can reach. Roxas moves under his grip and drags him down with him, comfortably tucking Lea in a spot between his neck and shoulder. Lea holds on to the body below him. Right underneath his ear there’s a heart beating steady and, finally, Lea feels home. The arms surrounding him are strong, so strong they can lift him off the ground or hold him tight and that’s what he always loved about his Roxas. His innate strength inside out. The ability of his partner to always make him feel safe and loved. Roxas would never let anything happen to him. He had promised, and showed it, that much already.
“I love you”, the whisper is broken by shakes.He hears the heartbeat speed up, a fluttering gallop that’s a powerful song, just for Lea. Roxas kisses his crown as a hand rubs his skin and the other locks just above his nape. “I love you too. So much.”Lea can sense a few traces of concern left on the blond’s voice and he doesn’t have to wait longer for the follow up.“Was it me? Did I hurt you? Did I do-”“No babe. It wasn’t you.” As to give more meaning to his words, Lea raises his gaze to look at the blond. “I don’t know what just happened, but it wasn’t you.”“Okay.”He knows it’s still not enough to convince Roxas thoroughly, the beaten expression telling that much. So when he cuddles back into Roxas’s embrace, Lea’s not surprised when the younger boy asks.“Do you want to talk about it?”Does he? He’s not so sure. Relapsing back to his depressive self was something that happened from time to time but never after sex. Sex with Roxas is always fun and hot and mindblowing, something that leaves him each time with pleasure and a desire for more. It elates him and satisfies him. It makes him born anew. It never leaves him with anything other than happiness and joy and fulfillment. This was new and Lea is debating himself if that could be a source for concern.
“I guess-” It takes a moment to ponder his feelings. “I’m still not used to… this? Like I’m afraid it might not be real or something.”Roxas’s hands slip on his cheeks, catching his face in a tender hold and slowly raising it, pulling it towards him with kindness until soft lips connect with his own. It’s a chaste kiss, simple but with Roxas kisses are never plain or void and they always stir something inside. The way the mouth presses against his own, with meaning, almost with stubbornness as if everything depends on that physical link between them. It lasts eternally, until they part. Roxas’s eyes are sparkling and the swarm of butterflies in Lea’s stomach roams free to every corner of his body. Tingling. In Roxas’s hands he’s pliant; like a soft dough to knead he has no will of his own.
“What can I do to make it real?”
The coarse whisper is a surge of electricity buzzing through Lea, awakening every nerve’s ending inside, enticing him. He is a needle pulled towards his pole, his northstar. His sun.
“Just-” He barely breathes, his gaze switching between eyes and lips so close he can taste them. Once again the mind clouds but this time he’s on a high. “Just keep doing what you do.”Roxas flashes a smirk and it’s the sexiest thing Lea has ever seen. Before his brain can elaborate more, lips are on his own again, assaulting his mouth, shaping it into new forms and he lets it because there’s no will to fight back. He wants that pressure on him, everywhere on him. A tongue dives in, exploring cavities and corners already familiar and each time is a new wonder. The way Roxas’s tongue entwines his, the way it licks and sucks on him, plunges deep. Lea can’t get enough. He wants to suffocate on it. He moans, a long and breathless one. He licks in return, biting lips but the fervor Roxas puts into the kiss leaves Lea entranced to do anything more than comply and submit willingly to the assault on all his senses. The taste in his mouth fills him up. The fingers in his hair move around, knead, rub, grab and he would do the same if he wasn’t so dazed, his mind already so far gone. Gods. Roxas is so-Hands hold on his waist, a shift and Lea is on his back again, the pleasant warmth and pressure of Roxas on him is a far greater welcome. When Roxas moves his hips Lea sees stars. He’s lost count of how many moans have tried to spill out. He’s almost disappointed when Roxas’s mouth leaves. Almost. His neck is peppered with kisses. A lick here, a bite there. Yeah. No complaints.
And when Roxas starts tracing a path down his chest Lea knows that at the end of this trip, the only tears that’ll come out of him will be made of utter bliss.
-End<3