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“Final score, one to nine, Izumi wins”. Laying on the bench in the training room, Mikumo sighed. Another loss.
How many losses at this point?
Earlier in the day, Mikumo had asked Izumi for pointers on improving his shooting. Which had led to them sparing all day in the cityscape A map. The hills and various houses blocked made shooting tricker but easier to set up traps, not that Izumi ever fell for them. The experience gap was just too wide. Suddenly shaken from his thoughts was Izumi’s voice through the intercom.
“Hey four-eyes, don’t beat yourself up, you still got one win. Next time, why don’t we work on smaller composite bullets?”
Mikamo sighed, “thank you for helping me out today. Sorry I didn’t improve much”. A chuckle went through the mic as Izumi replied,
“It’s not a problem, you just need to keep working hard and you’ll get there eventually. Besides, I . . .” Izumi faltered before lowering his voice “I enjoy spending time with you.” A slight pause before he added more cheerfully, “why don’t we get dinner? The new ramen shop, my treat!”
Mikumo’s stomach grumbled in response, “alright, sounds good, I’ll be right out”.
Still got one win huh? That one win was a fluke, a pity point.
A crushing feeling in his chest mixed with disappointment as Mikumo recalled the match. Remembered when Izumii just 60 feet behind a crumbling building with half his torso just so happened to be sticking out. He took the shot of course, bringing Izumi down and bailing out with a slight smile.
“Hey, you done in there?” Izumi said, poking his head in. Mikumo nodded and left with Izumi, one thought still lingering.
Will I ever be good enough?
—-------------
“Order whatever you want, dinner is on me!” Izumi said cheerfully.
“Thank you,” Mikumo replied, looking down at the menu. When they had both ordered, and drinks had arrived Mikumo watched as Izumi pushed the straw around with a silly grin. Mikumo had never seen Izumi outside of Border uniform. With his “Omelet you slide” T-shirt and jeans, Izumi looked like a regular highschool student, just happy to eat out with friends.
“Are you feeling ready for your next match?” Mikumo swallowed, casting his eyes down in his lap, fingers starting to pick at his nail bed. Not the most ideal question for the moment, but appropriate since they were both from Border. He could feel his stomach start to fill with anxiety. The internal question returned,
will I ever be good enough?
Thoughts of doubt filled his mind as he recalled all his recent matches remembering how little he contributed leaving Yuma to gather the points. The eyes of the C-ranks whenever he entered the training areas said everything he could never say out loud.
You’re a failure of a B-Rank. You would never be here without the help of others. You train so much with so many mentors and yet you’re still weak. How many more matches with Yuma carrying you? When will you pull your own weight? When will you be good enough for your team? When will you be good enough for Jin who practically gave you your promotion? When will you be good enough for yourself?
“Uh, four-eyes?” Izumi asked hesitantly with a concerned look, waving his hand across Mikumo’s face. Upon closer inspection, Izumi could see the dark circles around the younger’s eyes, parched lips, and dry skin. Was his frame always this small? Is he eating enough?
“S-sorry, what was your question again?”
“I asked if you’re ready for the upcoming match?”
“Oh, uh I’m still going through previous match data and working on a strategy”.
“Well of course, that’s my four-eyes, the star strategist! But,” the older paused, snapping his fingers, “don’t forget to take care of yourself, pulling all nighters will have an effect on your match”.
Mikumo nodded slowly, as Izumi continued on rambling about past strategies that Mikumo had used. Mikumo did his best to pay attention, but found it hard to concentrate. Perhaps it was just the fatigue of sparring and training the whole day but before long, his doubts from before resurfaced.
He remembered what Kikuchihara had mentioned about him and Yuma.
If Kuga is the only member of the team who can hold his own, You’ll be stuck and in trouble as soon as Kuga is defeated.
Or what a C-ranker has sniggered to their friend that he happened to overhear.
That guy is a joke of a B-ranker, even I could probably beat him.
Anger and frustration raked out onto his face as Mikumo clenched his jaw.
The waiter then arrived with their ramen and dinner continued with Mikumo finally paying attention to Izumi’s small talk and jokes.
—-------------
“Not a bad restaurant don’t you think?” Izumi asked, stretching his arms above. It was dark now, the crickets loudly chirping, as the two walked to Izumi’s car.
“Yeah, it wasn’t bad,” Mikumo replied, picking at the skin around his nails, unsure of what else to say. As the two got into the car, Izumi suddenly stopped and put his hand on the keys in the ignition.
“Mikumo, what’s going on?” Mikumo froze, heart stopping in the moment. He faked a smile and shook his head.
“Nothing, everything is fine. Why are you asking?” Izumi raised his eyebrow frowning, skeptical.
You’re just unusually quiet and something feels off. Normally you’d try to get information about the upcoming match.
Izumi shrugged, deciding not to push it.
“No reason,” Izumi continued walking before slowing slightly adding with a small smile, “This upcoming match might be a hard one, but I’m sure you’ve got it. I believe in you”. Mikumo looked over with a surprised look. He quickly tried to cover it up, but his heart rapidly beating up, making his cheeks flush pink.
How adorable,
Izumi thought.
“Thanks Izumi,” he replied softly, looking down with a smile.
The match did in fact not go well. The four way match against Ninomiya, Kageura, and Azuma squad resulted in Mikumo bailing out early and Tamakoma scoring only one point, thanks to Yuma.
Why? Why didn’t you factor in Azuma’s sniping? Why did you leave Chika who had to bail out? You knew about Ninomiya’s fire power but still underestimated him. Will you ever be good enough?
Aside from his own self criticism, Kazama’s words from the post match commentary hurt the most.
If you want your team to be successful, you need a more tangible solution. I mean he should do his job as a captain.
After the match, Mikumo found himself sitting at the same ramen restaurant as before with Izumi. The older boy had offered dinner after the Tamakoma-2 briefing was finished and Mikumo agreed on a whim.
As the two waited for their food, Mikumo continued to pick and pull the skin from his fingers under the table. There wasn’t enough time for Mikumo to decompress from the match so the younger had many thoughts running through his head.
“So, got anything to say about that match four-eyes?” Izumi asked, resting his head on both his hands. “I mean, clearly it didn’t go as planned but, that’s how ranked wars are. Or specifically the power of Ninomyia”. Izumi shrugged, flicking his straw around the cup. Maybe it was the cold temperature of the restaurant, or the way the older phrased his question but Mikumo could feel the shame and disappointment in himself bubble up from his chest as hot tears began to rise to his blue eyes. The younger’s breath hitched as he turned his head away from Izumi and struggled to keep his eyes open trying not to let the tears fall.
“Fou- Mikumo?” Izumi asked, his casual smile suddenly wiped and replaced concern. Izumi could hear Mikumo’s breath become unsteady as the younger turned towards Izumi with eyes full of tears and a quivering lower lip. “Oh, Mikumo,” he said softly, reaching over the table to wipe the single tear that escaped from Mikumo’s eyes. He then glanced at the waiter and signed asking for their food to-go.
After their food arrived, Izumi picked up the bags and extended a hand out to the younger, “Let's go back to my apartment. We can eat there”. Mikumo accepted and the two walked back to the car.
—-------------
Throughout the silent car ride, Izumi would occasionally glance over to see the younger sniffling and furiously wiping away tears. It was definitely different to see the younger outside of his serious and work personality. Seeing Mikumo more vulnerable made something inside him sting. When they arrived at the apartment complex, Mikumo continued to sniffle and blink away tears as he slowly unbuckled. Izumi suddenly appeared by the passenger side of the car, opening the door. He reached over and scooped Mikumo out of the car picking up the younger bridal style. Without any words, Mikumo leaned against the older’s chest, closing his eyes and burying his head between his neck and shoulders. Izumi could feel the tears soak into his shirt as the younger bit his lip to unsuccessfully keep from crying.
“I’m sorry, you didn’t have to carry me”, Mikumo whispered as Izumi unlocked his apartment door.
“It’s no worries, you’ve had a long day”. Izumi pushed open the door letting Mikumo walk inside. The apartment was surprisingly less messy than Mikumo expected. Few clothes and blankets were scattered around the living room floor and dirty dishes were still waiting by the sink. “Why don’t you shower first, and I’ll warm up the food?” Izumi pointed down the hall to where the bathroom was. Mikumo nodded, walking to the bathroom and passing tacked up photos of Border members. Some were of his team, playing board games, selfies of meals and at the arcade. A photo of Karasuma and Izumi posing with fallen bamster, or rather Izumi posing and Karasuma staring dead faced at the camera. Mikumo took note mentally to ask about it to Karasuma later.
Standing in the shower, Mikumo leaned his arm against the wall letting the scalding hot water burn onto his back. With Izumi being just down the hall, Mikumo opened his mouth to let out a silent cry, chest heaving as tears flowed fast down his face. The shame of failing as the team’s strategist and first to bail out mixed with the anger and disappointment of not being useful to his team made his chest hurt. He crouched down, tucking his knees to his chest and let out more silent cries, the water drowning out his emotions.
—-------------
When he got out of the shower, Izumi had his ramen on the table and the living area had been picked up. Izmui was finishing up cleaning the dirty dishes.
They both ate in silence. Izumi ate quickly and did not meet the younger’s red eyes. Mikumo however, after the shower situation, found himself with a lack of appetite. He picked at his food, eating some noodles and drinking the broth.
“So . . . are you feeling better?” Izumi asked cautiously.
“Yes, thank you. I didn’t . . . “ Mikumo faltered before guesting to himself. “I didn’t mean for you to see all this”. His lower lip quivered again. Izumi felt his heart ache at the sight of his junior. He had known Mikumo to be a strong, hardworking and disciplined junior so seeing this side of him was heartbreaking.
Was this his breaking point?
Izumi thought, shaking his head and wiping his mouth with his sleeve.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Izumi asked softly, afraid that the younger would immediately start breaking down. Mikumo slowly nodded. Izumi took a breath figuring out how to carefully word his next words, “This is your first major loss. All teams have lost badly before, it’s just part of the process of training. I know you’re trying to make the away squad, but I’m sure, even with this loss, you’ll make it”. Mikumo looked at the older in doubt. “If anything,” Izumi continued, “I’ll always be there for you, training or support”.
“Can I lie down?” Mikumo asked, looking very tired. Izumi nodded and the two went to the couch. Mikumo curled up on his side while Izumi sat next to him, running his fingers through the younger’s hair. “I just want to make the away squad to help Yuma and find Chika’s brother”. He took a breath and continued, “and for myself, I just want to be of help to my team. I’m the captain, shouldn’t I at least be able to score points on my own and carry my weight?” Mikumo bit his lip. “No matter how much I train, I continue to be useless. I wish I had natural talent” he whispered quietly. Izumi’s fingers froze.
“No. You’ve come a long way. Besides those with talent and don’t work hard will hit a wall eventually. You have the perseverance and discipline, you will reach the others soon enough”. Mikumo sighed,
“Ok” he said quietly. “I’m sorry again for bothering you”. Izumi traced a finger down the younger’s cheek.
“You can come over and talk whenever you want, I’ll always be there for you”. The older pulled a blanket over Mikumo’s shoulders watching as the younger’s breath steadied and his eyes closed.
“Thanks,” the younger said softly, his face relaxing more. Within the next five minutes, Mikumo was fast asleep with Izumi’s fingers still gently running through his hair.
Izumi leaned back into the couch and sighed. He was starting to feel tired as well. Gently picking the younger up with the blanket, he carried him to his room. Izumi held his junior in his arms, wiping away the last few tears. Mikumo let out a soft sigh, scooting back to fit comfortably against Izumi’s body.
A few minutes later, Izumi fell asleep, with a deeper understanding of the younger. Perhaps tomorrow, he will have the chance to sort out his feelings with Mikumo.