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Sol trudged across the dusty rocks, following a very familiar route. The bomb had gone off. Again. And Sol did nothing to stop it. Again. All for his sake. Sometimes they wondered if they’d ever have the strength again to stop him, but the answer they always came up with was no.With a sigh, Sol shifted their pack on their shoulder and continued on their way, tired thoughts plaguing their mind.Before too long, the familiar smoke from a campfire entered their vision. Walking over a ridge revealed Dys sat stoking the fire, Sym standing across from him. Sol cleared their throat, causing Dys’ head to shoot up in alarm, but he soon broke into a smile.“Sol! I’m glad you’re here,” he said, getting up to hug his friend. What was strange to him was the reluctance they showed to hug him, and the reluctance to let him go.“Are you okay?” they asked, same as always.Dys waved the question away. “Oh yeah. I know how to live off the land.”At this point, Sol was ready to move past all the fluff. “So, you’re really becoming a Gardener, huh. You ready?”Dys blinked. Their nonchalance about the biggest decision in his life as off putting slightly. He tilted his head in confusion but nodded anyway. “Yeah. I’m ready. I’ve realized… how freeing it is to be out here. I belong out here, Sol. And you know as well as I do that the colony is doomed, I just… sped up the process.”“I must say that I did not approve of this,” Sym spoke up, looking slightly disapproving at Dys. “It is not right to make you betray your fellow humans.”“No one ‘made’ me do anything, Sym. I wanted to do it. And now I get to be out here and with you forever. I’m free.”Sol just nodded, not saying anything. The same script. The power cells and crystals jostled in their bag ready to be used. They were ready to get this over with. “So, what now?” they asked despite knowing.“Well, I’m afraid that we need some materials to prepare before the process can truly begin,” Syms said, causing Dys to become irritated.“You mean there’s more?! I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to get this, and now you’re telling me I have to do more?!” Dys snapped.Sym just spread his hands and shrugged. “The process hasn’t been performed in tens of thousands of years, my love. Did you think it would be easy as flipping a light switch?” Dys pouted, looking like a put-out child, but even that wasn’t enough to get a genuine laugh out of Sol. “We’ll need to gather a few remnants of the Convergent Domain. In an outcropping of rocks out that way, you’ll find a cluster of crystals—”“Already got them.” Sym stopped pointing when Sol thrust their bag out to him. He raised an eyebrow at the human before taking the bag from them, opening it to show their haul. “Solar crystals and power cells, right?”Sym and Dys gave them a sidelong glance, then glanced at each other then back at Sol. “And you… just carry them around with you?”“I like shiny things.” A blank stare accompanied their deadpan answer, making it unclear to the men if they were joking or not.Sym coughed after a moment of uncomfortable silence. “Then it seems we are ready. If you’ll both follow me.”Sym led the way to one of the hidden caves holding an Array interface, but the walk over as silent. Dys as practically vibrating with excitement, but Sol just followed mutely, a faraway look in their eyes. Did the walk over always feel this long?Sol felt time move even slower. They were robotic in their movements. Sym’s voice sounded like he was speaking through mud. They stopped finding humor in Dys’ initial reaction to the metamorphosis process long ago. Nothing’s changed. They were here to say “goodbye”. Again. And again. And again.“Sol.”Dys’ voice cut through their mental fog. They lifted their head slowly, their tired eyes meeting his. If Duys had noticed how exhausted sol had seemed, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he gave them a soft smile and held their hands in his. “Thank you. For everything. I promise, I’ll find you. No matter what happens, I’ll always be with you.”Lies. They were always lies. But Sol could never say anything in return. They could never tell him that he was speaking bullshit. It was too much for them to handle, but even more so to hurt Dys in any way.But the way Dys looked at them… Sol felt something practically snap in them. They felt pain. For the first time in more than several lifetimes, their mask began to break. Their lip wobbled as emotion welled up in their throat. The pain had them throwing their arms around Dys in a tight hug, memorizing his form – just him – one last time. “Goodbye, Dys,” they whispered.Dys blinked in surprise at his friend’s affection, but he recovered and held them back just as tight, a form of understanding falling over them, but nowhere near as deep as it should have been. “Goodbye, Sol.”It took a bit for Sol to pry themselves off of Dys. The goodbye was always, always hard, but something felt even worse about this. The pounding in their chest wouldn’t stop. They held Dys’ hand as he sunk into the vat, not letting go until the last of his air bubbles popped. Letting him go. They were always letting him go.“Goodbye.”Sym regarded Sol carefully as they continue to stare at Dys’ body. “Sol?” Their behavior was incredibly strange to him.“Goodbye,” they repeated, their shoulders twitching.Sym narrowed his eyes.“I’m always saying goodbye.” They let out a pathetic, humorless laugh. “Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. I can’t remember a single lifetime… where I said stay.”Sol finally looked at Sym. Their eyes were dead. No light behind them as tears streamed down their face. The pounding hadn’t stopped. They felt pain in their chest, their shoulders, their arms, their lungs. It was never ending pain.“Sym, why do I have to say goodbye?”Their breathing became labored.“Every single fucking time. Why me? Why does it happen to me? Why won’t it stop?”Everything felt tight. Too warm. Too much.“I don’t want to say goodbye.”
Too much too much too much.
“But it’s always goodbye.”Sobs somehow escaped them. They thought they heard a scream. The pain wouldn’t stop. Too much too much too much too much.And then it wasn’t. The world went dark.~~~~~~~“Sol!”Sym caught the human as they collapsed. Their body shook in is arms, their breathing erratic. What should he do? Sym felt panic for the first time in his life. He tried to recall anything he could from the holovids Sol had provided, but the found his mind clouded too.A slight sparking caught his attention. The crystal in Sol’s palm was sparking and crackling with electricity. Like it was a built-in reaction. A defibrillator. The name ghosted through his head as he quickly grabbed Sol’s hand and held it to their chest. Their body shook with the electric shock, but the convulsing wouldn’t stop. He tried again. And again. One more time.Sol finally stopped shaking. But their breathing was slow. They were running out of time. They needed to be with their people.Sym took off with them with speed only a Gardener could have.The small check point came into sight quickly, but Sym was at a crossroad. It wasn’t time to reveal himself. He knew that. But Sol’s life mattered far more to him.Thankfully, he saw the white-haired human checking her equipment. He set Sol down near the tree line, quickly checking to make sure they were still alive before making his move. He hid himself in the trees and mimicked an alarm he had heard once.The human’s head shot up toward the sound, and her eyes finally landed on—“Sol!” her panicked accented voice shrieked.Sym let out a sigh of relief. He had belief that his human would be okay.~~~~~~~The antiseptic smell was the first thing that Sol could sense. They’d never smelled that before hen they met their end. Weren’t they dead?The ground beneath them felt soft. Springy. What was a poofshroom doing in the Western Ridges? No, that wasn’t it. A… bed?Nothing hurt anymore, they noticed. A… med… bed. Yeah, that was it.But how did they get to the colony?Their eyelids felt incredibly heavy. It took all their current strength to open their eyes enough just to look through their eyelashes. The dim light from outside illuminated the dust motes in the air. The familiarity of the room helped ease their breathing. Breathing… they were suddenly aware of the strange mask on their face, allowing fresh air in and out of their lungs.Just… what happened?
“Patient has regained consciousness. Condition is stable. Breathing is normal. Heartbeat is weak. Caution is recommended when approaching. Continued bed rest recommended.”
Sol winced at the loud robotic voice. They wanted to shut their eyes again but fought to keep them open, just to see another human being.They could make out the shape of a person hurrying toward them. Instance, maybe?“Sol.” Was it possible to be sick of hearing your own name? “Can you hear me?”It took so much effort – too much effort – but they nodded. It hurt, but they did it.“Do you recognize me?” Another painful nod.“Do you remember what happened?” A small shake of the head.Instance sighed but accepted Sol’s answers. “I’m going to let your parents know you’re awake. It’s been nearly a week since you arrived in the med bay. One or both of them have been coming by every day. I’ve had to wrestle them out of here a few times,” she huffed. But Sol swore they could see a faint trace of relief cross her face. Surely, they were mistaken though.Instance moved out of the ay as to forms rushed into the room. They must have already been on their way to the med bay if they ere already there that fast.“My baby!” Sol let out a small gasp as they felt their mother cradle them in hug. Was she… crying? When did their mom start crying? Flulu rocked their child back and forth, holding them gently and whispering “my baby” repeatedly like a mantra. Geranium came up to the other side and embraced them both.For the first time in what was probably lifetimes, Sol allowed themselves to relax. They felt like a small child again. And it was… nice. They weren’t sure if they were happy but… being held by their parents? It was a feeling they’d missed.A feeling of safety settled over them. Safety… how long had it been since they’d felt that?~~~~~~~~Sol carefully rolled themselves across the colony, heading to the lounge while ignoring all the looks of pity they received from other colonists. In another lifetime, it would’ve bothered them, but in this one, they couldn’t bring themselves to care in the slightest.Despite being cleared by Dr. Instance, Sol found themselves wheelchair bound, even a month and a half later. Standing and walking was incredibly hard for them. They couldn’t last long without needing to sit down again.They recalled with they’d overheard the doctor tell their parents when they’d expressed concern.
“I’ve scanned their body repeatedly. There is absolutely nothing physically wrong with Sol.” “At this point, it’s a mental block. It is up to Sol to move past their trauma and find the will to walk again.”
Sol knew it was true. Not too long after waking up, after a visit from Utopia, then from Tang, Sol finally recalled what happened, to them. They remembered saying goodbye to Dys then being overtaken by pain. A heart attack apparently.They hadn’t been able to look at Tang since.At this point, Sol wasn’t sure they had much will left. Really, the only thing keeping them moving forward was that they couldn’t abandon the colony yet. The rebellion, the negotiations, they’d needed just one more year. One more year, then they could let go. But sometimes they questioned if their will would hold out. Too many lifetimes wore them down.These days, Sol found themself wanting to be alone. They wanted to be free. They wanted to go outside. That idea was immediately shut down by several people. In fact, they were consistently shooed away from the colony gates by the entire expeditions team.They understood, but it was still annoying.They’d even started that morning annoyed, too. Their parents had spent a brief few moments with them hen Sol woke up, but an emergency in Geoponics pulled them away. Sol expected it, it happened every lifetime. They also knew that they’d be dragged out of their dorm soon and could never avoid it.Turning 19 was eternally exhausting to them.They wheeled themselves in the direction of the lounge, biting the bullet because they knew Marz would eventually find them.And lo and behold, the dark beauty was indeed standing outside waiting for them. Marz was actually one of the only people to not look at them with sympathy, which Sol appreciated, but sometimes Marz was the most overbearing.With a sigh, Sol approached her. “Sol, darling!” Marz leant down to hug Sol gently. “Happy birthday, sweetie.”“Thanks.” Sol sucked in a breath, ready to fight Marz, though they kne it wouldn’t help. “Listen Marz, I really can’t do a big party today. I just—”“I know. So we’re not doing that.”What?Sol looked up at her, confused. Marz always made them celebrate with a big party. Every lifetime, it was always Rex in his little waiter suit, Tammy through a holoscreen, and Vace and Cal getting into a fistfight. What changed?Then again, the year had begun to break the familiar cycle they’d gotten used to.Marz took their hands in hers. “We’re just doing a small lunch with a few friends. You’ve had too much excitement in your recent life. It would be rather tacky if we added to it, y’know?”A small smile graced Sol’s face. Their friends were really trying hard to ease them back to a normal life. Their efforts would never fully heal them, but they appreciated the efforts, nonetheless.Sol loved their friends and family. But they’d accepted that nothing they did would help them in the ay they needed. Sol could never be honest with them. They could never unload their problems that they so desperately needed to talk about. Doing that in the past made their family zap their brain, a process they never wanted to repeat.Dys had been the only one for the longest time…Sol’s heart clenched. They were desperate to forget him. He caused them so much pain. Leaving them to deal with the pan. They took a deep breath in, letting the thoughts of their dark-haired love leave with it.Their thoughts wandered to their only true friend and confidant. Sym. They missed him terribly. The only one to truly understand. They longed to be with him. To breathe freely with him. Who knew how long it would be until they could see him again.For now, though, they’d indulge their current friends in their attempts to make them feel normal. It was all Sol could do now.~~~~~~~Quiet and Pollen passed without issue, but Sol felt their remaining will waning with time. Everyone continued to walk on eggshells around them, treating them as thought they were a fragile doll. Though no one could understand the pain they were in, as edgy and cliché as the thought felt to them.At one point, Sol had overheard their parents say that they had the look of a war veteran in their eyes. Someone who had seen something they could never forget.That was their reality though, wasn’t it? They’d lived countless lives and witnessed countless wars. There was only so much Sol could hide.And only so many places they could hide, too.They were suffocating. Their parents and friends were too much. Doing anything was too much. They’d spent their time helping Marz get the rest of the votes she needed, but aiding the coup took so much out of Sol, having to repeat the same arguments and persuasions over and over again.Too much. That was the only thing constantly going through their head. Too much. Too much. Too much too much too much—Sol took a deep breath. It wasn’t time yet.They’d wheeled themselves forward, heading toward the gates. It had been a few weeks since they tried to leave the colony only to be shooed away again. They were desperate to try again. They needed to leave.Utopia let out an exasperated sigh as Sol approached her. She didn’t ant to ever risk Sol’s life out in the wild again. Why didn’t Sol have the same sense of self-preservation? She opened her mouth to repeat herself again—“Utopia, please.”Her mouth shut at the quiet plea. Sol had lost so much life to them. They no longer matched the spunky, bright child full of life that she remembered. If anything, Utopia was the one person to know how much Dys’ disappearance hurt Sol. She had seen the two grow up out in the wild, how free and at home they’d looked. Now…Sol just looked gaunt and haunted.Utopia sighed. She surprised Sol with a gentle hug. “Just outside the walls, okay kiddo?” she said.The relief Utopia felt fall over Sol had to be astronomical. Sol held Utopia tight, returning the hug with a quiet, “Thank you.”With the promise that Sol would stay within the established safe grounds around the colony, they wheeled themselves over the threshold. Immediately, the air around them felt different, smelled cleaner, reminded them of a different kind of home. But the relief didn’t last long. It brought with it the sense of longing that Sol had tried so hard to let go and forget. They pushed on anyway.The path as well-trodden, but Sol moved without even looking, having walked this road repeatedly since they were a child. Without thinking, their hands wheeled themselves off the path to a familiar hill.
“Come on! It’s just up here!”
The voice of a young boy ghosted across their mind. They could almost see the mop of black hair, a hand reaching out to them, encouraging them to be brave. To see the world properly.“I am glad to see you’re alright.”The image fell away. Sol’s head shot up toward the voice, their breath hitching. “Sym,” they breathed, taking in the familiar black coat and almond eyes, the peace that came with him. “I missed you.”“And I you, sugarbug.” Sym approached Sol without hesitation and gave them a hug, his lithe form dwarfing their own. Sol took a deep breath and buried their face in the crook of his neck. They’d missed this. They weren’t sure if Sym knew it, but he as phenomenal hen it came to hugs. Being in his arms just felt right.Sym pulled back a bit to ask, “Would you like a hand up?”He must have seen them looking up at the hill with longing. They weren’t sure if they could make it up the hill, but with Sym there, they ere willing to try. They nodded and braced themselves, pushing up off the wheelchair onto wobbly legs. They stood for a moment, finding brief strength to take a small step forward before they felt Sym’s arm around their waist, stabilizing them before they fell. Together, they braved the hill, leaving the wheelchair behind.The view from the top of the hill never stopped being beautiful. The first proper introduction sol ever had to Vertumna. The beauty that Dys had introduced them to. Sol could see their silhouettes sitting together, enjoying each other and the peace.Sol sighed. They’d never be able to forget him, would they?They shared too much of this planet with him. Too much of their life – their lifetimes – with him. He’d taken their heart with him every time, and Sol never fought back. They couldn’t. He was just too important to them. But they guessed the feeling wasn’t reciprocated.They felt Sym’s arm tighten around them, but the Gardener still said nothing. Sol rested their head against his shoulder, their gaze never leaving the valley below them. “You’re not going to ask?”“Ask what, sugarbug?”“If I’m okay.”“Do you want me to?” No. They were sick of it. Because everyone knew the answer, they just always hoped it would change. “Why would I ask you if you were okay when you clearly are not?” Sol let out a small, huffed laugh. He had a point. “I’ll ask you instead, what happened?”Sol sighed. “I had a heart attack, apparently.” At Sym’s confusion, they clarified, “It’s hen the human heart isn’t able to pump blood efficiently. Something incredibly dangerous and even deadly.”“Ah.” Sym finally looked down at his favorite human. He gently lifted their chin so they’d look at him. “As fascinating as that information is, that wasn’t what I meant. What happened to you, darling? That day, I witnessed something even more than just extreme human emotion. What has happened to you throughout all these years?”Sol instinctively anted to hold back. It never mattered. They could never say anything, it as something for them to carry alone. But this as Sym. He knew. He understood.They hung their head. They were finally broken.“I’m tired, Sym.” Sol moved slowly, wrapping their arms around Sym. “I’m so damn tired. I’m old. Hundred of years? Thousands? I don’t know at this point. And it never changes. Death isn’t even a saving grace. I yearn for a permanent death. For it to end. But it will never come. I live a depressing existence.” They let out a pitiful laugh, tears forming in their eyes. “Pathetic, really.”Sym could feel the strength leaving the human’s body as they spoke. He cradled them close as he brought them to the ground. He held them like a child in his lap, allowing them to close their eyes and rest against his chest.Sol clutched at Sym’s jacket. They had no fight lifet, the tears flowed freely. “he was there, though. Every time, he as there. Moments of happiness became fleeting, but he was there. Until he wasn’t.“Every time. Every damn time. I’d only ever get 19 years with him. 19 years in ever hundred. Then he’d be gone in the blink of an eye. A fleeting moment of happiness in itself. I could never keep him. No matter how much I tried. It hurt. It hurts. It never stops hurting. He leaves me. He always leaves me.
“Why.”
Sobbing. Yelling. Screaming.
“Why why why why why?!”
Too much.
“Why can’t I be free from this hell? Why can’t he stay? Why is whatever I do never enough? Why must I see so much death, go through so much pain, only to never see happiness and relieve it again and again and again? Why does he leave me? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this?”
Too much. It was all too much.
Question after question spilled from Sol’s lips, desperate for answers they’d never get. They wanted so much that they could never have. They anted answers. They wanted peace. They anted Dys back. They wanted to be wanted. They wanted death. A true, eternal death.But wanting was pointless. All of it was pointless.~~~~~~~Sol’s screams were never ending. Lifetimes of emotion escaped them until they couldn’t cry anymore, until their throat was practically torn.Sym held them through it all. Tears of his own were shed. His human, his dear dear human, had suffered so much for so long. It made him angry for the first time. A deep burning anger. At the wormhole. At the universe. At the powers that be that ere beyond their existences. At Dys.The pain Sol felt stemmed from love and heartbreak. Sym had been Dys’ biggest confidant, and he’d been told repeatedly how Dys felt that no one loved him. That no one would miss him.As the humans would say, what complete bullshit.How? How could he not see the eternal love that this human, this perfect human, held for him? A lover that even Sym felt was underserved at this point. The feeling of love that Sol allowed him to feel, how could Dys give that up so easily? For an existence that cast away those feelings?Sym held Sol tighter, even pressed a brief kiss to their head. He’d protect them. He’d made it his mission a long time before. And he’d continue that until Sol’s end, whenever that time would come.He’d held them for hours, rocking them back and forth until they were forced to head back to the colony. He watched from a distance as sol wheeled themselves back home, passing the white-haired human in silence.They’d left him with small words, asking Sym to talk to the Overseer for them. Again, as they reiterated. They told him to send the envoy, that they’d negotiate peace, just like always.But at that moment, peace between the Gardener and the humans was the furthest thing from his mind.He had something far more important to do.~~~~~~~It was done.Lum was defeated. Marz was in power. Peace was negotiated. Their mission was finally over.The thoughts didn’t bring Sol any joy as they wheeled themselves through the jungle. They never did find the strength again to leave the wheelchair.Somehow, through the celebrations, Sol had been able to leave the colony. Their destination was drawing closer, and a disturbing ease started falling over them.
It was over. They could finally leave.
Maybe this time their wants would be granted.
The tree line broke, the jungle ending with the ground. Perfect.Sol wheeled themselves near the edge, their will finally fading the closer they got.They stood.It was over. They could leave. They would leave. Embrace the darkness only to return to the blissful ignorance of their childhood. 10 years that Sol didn’t mind repeating.They took a careful step forward.
No planet, no famine, no war. Just the love their parents had.
Another step.
No fight between Cal and Anemone. No mourning Kom. No saying goodbye.
They turned around, their back facing the cliff.
They’d be reunited with him. No long break between the 19 years with him. A chance to bring back the fleeting happiness faster.
With closed eyes and an acceptance of peace…
And if their wants were finally answered…
Sol fell backward.Death no longer scared them. The wind and weightlessness of their free fall wasn’t terrifying. It was freeing. They didn’t both bracing themselves for the impending impact. Let it come for them. Let it happen. Let them die.But it never came.Arms held them close to a sturdy chest.Fury flooded Sol. Their eyes flew open, ready to use every curse word in existence at Sym, but the words died in their throat.Dark eyes and a desperate expression looked back at them.
What the fuck.
Dys held them close, holding them a few feet away from the ground and refusing to let go.“Sol…”“Fuck you.”Dys blinked at the curse, but he should have expected it.“Let me go, you asshole.”“Never.”
“Liar.”
He ignored the hiss. “Why?” he whispered.Sol struggled against him, fighting to break free from his hold. Their strength failed them yet again. “You don’t have the right to ask me that.”Dys’ grip tightened. “Sol, why?”Sol looked at him with a fire in their eyes that hadn’t been present in eons. “Why? Why?! I should be asking you that. Why now? Why is it now that you decide to care about me? Why only after I decided to take my life?!”Tears sprung at his eyes and his jaw dropped. “Sol, I—I’ve… I’ve always cared about you.”
“Liar!”
“I’m not lying!”“Yes, you are! You always lie!” Sol used whatever strength they had left to hit Dys, weak punches thrown at his chest before their body gave up. They fell limp in his arms, their head falling against his chest. There was no fire left. They only had the strength to sob. “If you cared you wouldn’t have left me.”Dys closed his eyes and rested his head against theirs. “I… I didn’t know you wanted me to stay. I’m sorry.”Sol quietly scoffed. “I don’t want your worthless apology. I loved you, Dys. Dammit, I still fucking love you and I hate it! But it wasn’t enough. I was never enough.”Dys dropped to his knees. Every word out of Sol’s mouth was a stab through him. How could he have not noticed? “You were enough.”
“Bullshit.”
“You were enough. You are enough. I never knew you wanted me to stay. Why didn’t you ever say something? Why didn’t you stop me?”Sol’s response was weak, but it was the most powerful and hurtful thing Dys had ever heard.“I wanted you to willingly choose me. And you never have.”