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Mark’s jetlagged to hell – hair greasy and eyes rimmed-red – and fresh off a twelve-hour flight from Vancouver to Seoul when they show him the audition tape. Netflix’s Korean headquarters are in Jongno, one of the oldest neighborhoods in the city, and the moment he sees the actor on the screen, he starts wishing he’d stopped at one of the many shrines he’d passed on the way here to pray.For what exactly, he’s not sure. Strength, probably.
Forgiveness, maybe.
Part of him wants to cast someone else, just on principle. He hasn’t seen Jaemin in nearly ten years, and they didn’t exactly end things on good terms – Jaemin can’t possibly know that Mark is so heavily involved in this production, and if he had known, maybe he wouldn’t have sent in a self-tape.
On the projector, Jaemin delivers a line fucking flawlessly. It’s Mark’s vision, embodied exactly the way he’d imagined.
Absently, Mark thinks he recognizes Jisung’s voice in the background of the video, reading for Jaemin.
Johnny, Mark’s executive producer, grabs a remote off the table and pauses the video, looking for Mark’s reaction.
“The casting team is confident in this choice,” he says, voice smooth. “Unless you have any objections, we’re interested in informing him that he’s been cast as soon as possible. Na Jaemin’s become a pretty big name in the last year or so.”Mark considers it for a moment.
It might be awkward and horrible, but Jaemin’s clearly the best person for the job – Mark’s entire team agrees. Wouldn’t it be worse to refuse to cast him because of some kind of personal history between the two of them? Talk about a conflict of interest.
Mark clears his throat. “I have no objections. Let’s move forward with Na Jaemin from here.”Johnny nods, and the meeting proceeds. Mark sits in his seat, mind racing, and thinks, oh, fuck. What the hell have I done? Lee Mark met Na Jaemin almost ten years ago, back when he was in high school and he came to spend the summer with his extended family in Seoul. It was a big deal – Mark’s first solo trip abroad. He’d spent the entire summer with one of his cousins, the one who was the closest to him in age: Lee Jeno. Jeno was a really nice guy and a pretty good cousin to have – he happily showed Mark around the city. He took him to the noraebang, to try convenience store ramyeon at two in the morning, to the PC bang where they lost nearly all their matches horribly because neither of them were big gamers.
Jeno also kindly introduced him to his best friend, Na Jaemin, so Mark could make friends besides him during his stay.
Jeno might have hoped they’d become friends but when faced with Na Jaemin? Seventeen-year-old Mark stood no chance at all. He’d fallen for Jaemin practically the moment he met him, and never quite managed to get up.They’d had a whirlwind of a summer romance – two teenagers playing footsie under the table and hanging out at Jaemin’s house until the early hours of the morning, whispering their dreams to each other under the stars at night. Mark was entranced by Jaemin’s smile and his sense of humor, by his beauty and his eccentricities, and cried his eyes out when he had to say goodbye to Jaemin before leaving for the airport.
They’d decided to try long-distance, so Jaemin laughed as he wiped his tears, saying, “Why are you crying? This isn’t goodbye forever.”Mark sniffled and said, “It’s goodbye for a while though.” Jaemin laughed again, softer and sadder, and pulled him into another hug while Mark’s aunt and Jaemin’s mother shared exasperated looks over their heads. Young love, always so dramatic. Looking back on that day, Mark wonders if some small part of him had known, even then, that it wasn’t going to work out.
It wasn’t that they hadn’t tried – they had – but a seventeen hour time difference was too brutal for two high school students to cope with. The frequent calls became occasional calls and daily texts, which became occasional texts with no calls, which eventually became nothing.Mark’s not sure if they ever officially broke up. It leaves a bad taste in his mouth, but he’s trying his best not to beat himself up about it – they were just kids, after all. Despite his efforts, the guilt bubbles in the pit of his stomach, rising to a boil each time an email he’s been CC’d on between Jaemin and the casting team arrives in his inbox.Part of Mark wonders if Jaemin will politely refuse the role once he sees Mark’s name on the emails. Part of him wonders if he secretly hopes that Jaemin will, so that Mark can avoid having to see him again – but then Mark receives an email from Jaemin’s agent accepting the offer enthusiastically on his behalf.
Thankfully, Mark only has a week to freak out about it before they’re headed into pre-production and his entire life is consumed by writer’s rooms and staff meetings and conversations with the production company, and he’s suddenly too busy to worry about the fact that he’s going to have to face Na Jaemin again for the first time since their not-breakup.
“What’s going on with you?”Mark jumps. He’s sitting at a table in another nondescript conference room, surrounded by screenplay drafts. He sighs and looks over to Renjun, his head writer, who’s frowning at him, visibly concerned.
“You look exhausted. Are you not sleeping well?”Mark sighs, pulling his glasses off his nose and rubbing his eyes. Since he’s too busy to worry about seeing Jaemin again during the day, he’s taken to mulling it over at night, staring up at his ceiling in the dark as his mind races.
“Sorry, Renjun,” Mark murmurs. “I must be struggling to adjust to the time difference, I guess.”Renjun throws a skeptical look his way, but accepts the excuse and doesn’t pry any further. As they return to reviewing the scripts, Mark tries his best to shake himself awake, slipping his glasses back on and stubbornly ignoring the way the words remain just the slightest bit blurry on the page.
They only have a week left before the screenplay for the first episode has to be finalized. He may be exhausted, but the show must go on. He steels himself, picks up his pen, and continues making the necessary edits.The first day of filming comes sooner than expected, and Mark arrives on set to a flurry of activity. The set is crowded with PAs and camera operators, makeup artists and set decorators, and Mark tries his best to get to know as many people as possible. Unfortunately, he’s horrible with names, so he’s not sure how successful of an endeavor it ends up being, in the end. It’s okay, he’ll learn their names eventually – they’re facing down a solid six-to-eight-month-long filming schedule.By the time talent arrives on set, they’ve already been working on setup for a few hours, and Mark’s been swept into meetings with Renjun, Johnny, and the director, Yuta, plus he’s been going over a few last minute edits with Chenle, Yushi, Hendery, and Ryo, the staff writers for the first episode, whenever he gets a spare moment.
The cast arrive on set with friendly smiles, already done with hair and makeup. Mark is introduced to Yu Karina, the first love interest, and Uchinaga Giselle, set to play Karina’s on-screen best friend, by Johnny.
Once the proper introductions are made, they head off to go get settled, and he’s greeting Liu Yangyang and Lee Haechan, real name Donghyuck, set to play the second love interest and best friend respectively. Jaemin arrives halfway through the introductions and Johnny tries to introduce him too, but he doesn’t get further than, “Mark, let me introduce you to –” when suddenly Jaemin is holding up a hand to wave him off with a smile, saying,“No need, Johnny. We’ve met.”
There’s a ripple of silent shock, where everyone in earshot sort of stops dead and stares at Mark like, why the hell didn’t you mention you knew the lead? But then Johnny laughs, and the tension snaps.“Oh, really? Mark, how do you know Jaemin?”Mark stares at Jaemin, who stands before him larger than life, an amused look on his face as he studies Mark with piercing, challenging eyes. Yeah, Lee Mark. How do we know each other? “We met when I visited Seoul for the summer back in high school,” is what Mark settles on. He can see a spark of amusement in Jaemin’s eyes. It’s true enough – Jaemin doesn’t challenge him on it.
“We became close that summer,” Jaemin drawls. He smirks, ever so slightly. “Very close.” Mark, who had taken an anxious sip of water to avoid being asked to elaborate on how he knew Jaemin, chokes. Haechan raises a single, curious, eyebrow and Yangyang looks between Mark and Jaemin, visibly intrigued. Johnny shoots Mark a weird look, but continues smoothly as if he’d never been interrupted in the first place.“Well, it’s great that you already know each other. Jaemin, Haechan, Yangyang, if you’ll follow me this way, we’re going to be starting on the first scene in just a little while –” Johnny leads them away, chatting as they go, and Mark sinks into his director’s chair – the one with his full name embroidered on the back in white thread – and tries to calm his racing heart.
He hasn’t seen Jaemin in person in ten years, and seeing him on film for his self-tape – and also in his last two movies, which Mark might have watched after he went on an internet deep dive on his now-famous ex – wasn’t the same.
The cameras don’t do him justice. On film, Jaemin is beautiful.
In real life, he’s breathtaking.
He’s tall and broad in a way that the lens can’t quite capture, his smile perfect and teeth almost unnaturally sharp. His skin is smooth, his eyes bright, his hair falling perfectly over his forehead in natural waves.
Mark’s aware somewhere in the back of his mind that Jaemin doesn’t always look this perfect – he’s all done up for the cameras right now in full hair and makeup – but even barefaced seventeen-year-old Jaemin with pimples on his cheekbones and hair dead from too much hair dye was stunning, so it’s no wonder Mark can barely breathe in the face of this Jaemin, who is so grown up and comfortable in his own skin.
That first day, they don’t really have the chance to speak. Things are just too busy, and Mark’s being pulled a million and one different directions. He catches a few of Jaemin’s scenes, but most of the time, he’s hurrying off set to answer calls from the higher ups checking in about the first day of filming, or absconding to the meeting rooms with a number of staff writers trailing him like baby ducklings in order to keep working on the scripts for the upcoming episodes.
By the time Yuta wraps production for the night, Mark is ready to go back home, order takeout, and collapse into bed – but he’s stopped on his way out by a gentle hand on his arm.
He turns to face Jaemin, who’s looking at Mark with something unreadable in his eyes.“Would you like to get dinner with me?” He asks. None of the smirking, teasing bravado from earlier is here now – only something soft and gentle, almost pleading.“Yeah,” Mark says quietly. “Yeah, I’d really like that.”Jaemin lights up, and Mark melts internally at the sight.
An hour later, they're sitting across from each other at a samgyeopsal restaurant in Gangnam that Jaemin says one of his friends recommended to him some time ago.
“You know him, actually, you met him today,” Jaemin says, draping his jacket across the back of his chair and settling into his seat. “Lee Haechan.”“Oh, really?” Mark raises an eyebrow as he settles into his seat. “How did you two meet?”
“We worked on a show together a few years back, when I was just beginning to be successful,” Jaemin says. He smiles, wry. “You know, it was kind of funny to me when I found out he was cast in this as well.”“Oh? Why is that?” Mark asks absentmindedly, examining the menu.
“I just wasn’t expecting to have two of my exes on one set,” Jaemin says. Mark chokes on nothing.
“Oh.” He feels his cheeks flush red, and he hurriedly reaches out for his cup, gulping down several sips of water. “You and Lee Haechan, huh?”“It didn’t last too long,” Jaemin says, shrugging as he flips to the next page in the menu. “We got under each other’s skin too much. Long term, it wasn’t meant to be.”“I see,” Mark says, cheeks burning. He clears his throat and puts his menu down. “Ready to order?”They have dinner and catch up, talking around the elephant in the room. Jaemin tells Mark about studying acting in school, booking roles in stage shows and then bit parts in movies before he was finally cast as a supporting character, and then a lead.
He’s starred in a few shows by now. Johnny wasn’t lying when he said Na Jaemin was becoming a household name in Korea – the guy is everywhere. Mark’s seen him on a few billboards while exploring the city during his limited time off.
“It’s really amazing that people like my acting,” Jaemin says, smiling softly. He looks beautiful like this, in the low-lighting of the restaurant, barely audible over the sizzling of meat and the chatter of other patrons. “Some people have told me how much it means to them, or how much they support me. People recognize me on the street sometimes. It’s strange, but it’s an honor.”In return, Mark tells him about his own career path – he was an English and Film major in college, and after he graduated he became a screenwriter on a couple of sitcoms, some procedurals, a drama or two. While he worked on sets, he wrote on his debut novel on the side, publishing it early last year.His first novel hadn’t done so well, nor had his second, but his third was a smash hit – it became far more popular than Mark ever expected, and suddenly, he received an offer to adapt his Korean-Canadian queer coming of age love story into a K-Drama for Netflix. He’d agreed to move to the country where his parents grew up in order to take on the job of showrunner, and now, here he was.“Living the dream,” he says. “Honestly, I still can’t quite believe it.”“Believe it, Mark,” Jaemin says, reaching a hand across the table to lay on his forearm. “Even at seventeen, your writing was beautiful.”“Oh my god,” Mark flushes red, remembering the half-baked love poems he’d written for Jaemin back then. “No it wasn’t, those poems I wrote for you were awful.”“Okay, maybe they wouldn’t win you a Pulitzer, but I love those poems,” Jaemin says, leaning back and pouting at him. He softens. “You know, you’re the only person who’s ever written me love poetry. I mean, seriously, who does that? You’re unreal.”“Thanks, I think?” Mark’s certain that he’s cherry red at this point. A large part of him wants to hide his face in his hands, but he bravely resists the temptation. Something rises up in his chest – something silly, something that feels strangely competitive, and he blurts out, “You’re telling me Lee Haechan didn’t write you poetry?”“Hm. No,” Jaemin says, a smirk growing on his face. “I have no doubt he could, but Donghyuck and I didn’t really do vulnerability like that. At least, not until after we broke up.”Mark hums, taking another bite of samgyeopsal. He chews thoughtfully, and Jaemin’s eyes trace the line of his throat as he swallows. Mark feels his throat tighten under the attention.
“It’s nice that you stayed friends,” He croaks. He can feel the heat of the grill and can see the smoke sizzling up off the meat in the air between them. He puts his chopsticks down, and sighs. He takes a sip of his water and clears his throat before continuing. “I’m sorry it couldn’t be the same for us.”Jaemin blinks and straightens ever so slightly in his seat, eyes losing their playful edge. He frowns, clearly seeing how Mark is nervously playing with his fingers and suddenly refusing to meet his eyes.“Mark, we were just kids.”“Seventeen is old enough to know that ghosting someone isn’t the right way to end a relationship,” Mark says, shamefaced. He looks up at Jaemin, who’s looking at him incredulously. “I’m sorry.”“Mark, you didn’t ghost me any more than I ghosted you,” Jaemin points out. He shakes his head and smiles, rueful. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault that we lived in two completely different time zones.”“Well.” Mark swallows past the lump in his throat. Trying to ignore the way his eyes are burning, overwhelmed by Jaemin’s easy forgiveness. “I’m still sorry.”“Then I’m sorry too,” Jaemin says simply. He leans forward, rubbing a soothing hand along Mark’s arm. “Mark, don’t look so sad. It’s all in the past, and you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place. Okay?”“Friends, then?” Mark offers, hopeful. Jaemin blinks, raising his eyebrows, and maybe Mark’s imagining it, but is that a hint of disappointment in his eyes?The expression is wiped off Jaemin’s face so quickly that Mark can’t be sure whether or not he imagined it. Jaemin removes his hand from Mark’s arm, leaning back in his chair as he smiles and says, “Of course.”Mark sticks a hand out across the table to him, and Jaemin laughs and shakes it.
After their dinner, with the air clear, Jaemin and Mark start to get closer. It’s easy to remember and wonderful to see all the things he loved about Jaemin that are still true about him – but it’s equally as wonderful to see all the ways that he’s different. He’s more confident now, more self-assured. He smiles wider, laughs louder, loves harder.
Mark can’t tear his eyes away – and thankfully, he doesn’t have to. They begin to sit together at the plastic fold out tables out on the lot to eat the lunches that Netflix caters to set on long filming days. Jaemin seeks Mark out and lets him hide in his trailer so nobody can ask him questions about the script or the show’s direction when he’s not working. Mark drags Jaemin’s director’s chair over so it’s directly next to his own, so whenever Jaemin is waiting to go on, he can sit by Mark’s side and they’re able to chat between takes.
When they wrap the first episode, they go out to celebrate all together, cast and crew, and book out an entire restaurant. Jaemin gets pretty tipsy, and he ends up draping himself all over Mark. Renjun shoots a knowing look Mark’s way, and Mark very deliberately ignores him.
Jisung, Jaemin’s younger brother, visits Jaemin on set and looks at Mark in surprise for all of three seconds before he’s excitedly pulling Mark into a hug and telling him how nice it is to see him. Then he goes looking for Chenle, because apparently the two of them are friends – something about meeting because they’re members of the same recreational dance team.The longer filming goes on, the closer the cast and crew get. Jaemin and Haechan – who insists that Mark call him Donghyuck, since they’re friends now – clearly still get on like a house on fire despite their former relationship.
Mark tries to ignore the way his chest tightens whenever he sees them laughing together.
It turns out that Donghyuck is close with Renjun. Apparently, the two of them met on a different production a few years back – and before long, Jaemin and Renjun are close as well. A combination of having so many friends in common and being the same age, according to Jaemin.Jeno visits the set sometime during the fourth or fifth week of filming – Mark’s beginning to lose track, he’s so tired – partially to see Mark, his cousin, but mostly to see Jaemin, his best friend in the whole world.
Mark pretends to be offended when Jeno sweeps past him to give Jaemin a hug, but really, he doesn’t care. Jeno and Jaemin have always been closer than himself and Jeno, even though he and Jeno are related by blood.
They spend the day together, the three of them attached at the hip while Mark and Jaemin show Jeno around the set. Jeno invites Mark out for drinks, and when Jaemin pouts about not receiving an invite, Jeno smiles his signature disarming eye-smile and points out gently that he and Jaemin got drinks a few days ago, but he hasn’t caught up with his cousin since Mark arrived in Korea. Jaemin sighs overdramatically and concedes, though not before a few token protests.
Later that night, Jeno’s fingers are drumming on the surface of the bar. He listens intently as Mark rambles on about what he’s been up to the last few years in greater detail than he ever gave during their infrequent phone-call catchups.
“Mark,” Jeno interrupts. Mark pauses mid-sentence, freezing in place.
“Um. Yeah?”“When are we going to talk about the fact that you’re still half in love with my best friend?” Mark tries to splutter out a denial, but Jeno fixes him with a pointed look. “Mark. Be honest with me right now, please? You’re obsessed with him, and he’s clearly equally as obsessed with you.”“You’re funny, Jeno,” Mark says, laughing. “Sure, I’ll admit that I’m kinda obsessed with him – I mean, seriously, just look at him, he’s all tall and broad and thoughtful –”“That’s my best friend, I don’t want to hear this,” Jeno groans, burying his head in his hands.“– but Jaemin’s just being friendly. He’s always been overly friendly.”Jeno sighs and pulls his drink towards himself, gulping down the rest of it in one swig.
“Yeah, he’s always been overly friendly. To you, specifically,” Jeno says, shaking his head. He sets his glass back down on the bar and gestures for the bartender to pour him another. He looks back over to Mark. “When the two of you get back together, I’ll try and have the grace not to say I told you so.”
Mark rolls his eyes. “Good thing we’re not getting back together then.”
Jeno just raises an eyebrow at him. Mark doesn’t back down. Jeno sighs, long suffering, and drops the subject, changing the topic and asking after Mark’s mother.
Mark does his best to shake off Jeno’s words, but unfortunately, having his own lovelorn behavior be pointed out to him does nothing but make it worse. The knowing looks from Donghyuck and Renjun certainly don’t soften the blow. He’s uncomfortably aware that he’s pining over Jaemin, but he tries his best to ignore it.
But then, they film The Scene – and suddenly, Mark can’t ignore it any longer. The Scene is the big confession scene, where Yangyang’s character is supposed to confess his love to Jaemin’s character. It’s the climax of the first season, the part where Jaemin’s character is confronted with his own sexuality and realizes that though he could love Karina’s character, he’s been emotionally unfaithful to her because of his feelings for Yangyang’s character. He runs from Yangyang’s character to find Karina, planning to confess his wrongdoings, but Yangyang's character chases after him, and when he catches up, Jaemin’s character folds, and the two of them end up kissing in the rain.
It’s cliché, but Mark kind of lives for clichés – and apparently, so do his readers. Besides, in his humble opinion, all the clichés become new again when you do them with a queer couple. Something about the beauty of seeing the wholeness of your identity reflected in the modern versions of the media you consumed as a child.Usually, Mark’s honored to be one of the many writers bringing queer stories to the big screen, but right now, he’s kind of regretting writing a script that guaranteed Jaemin would be kissing people that aren’t him.
Granted, he didn’t know at the time that Jaemin was going to be the person playing this character, but still.
Jaemin and Yangyang are standing across from each other on the sound stage, drenched in the water pouring from the rain machine. Jaemin’s wearing a white t-shirt that clings to his skin, highlighting the planes of his muscles. His eyes are beautifully conflicted, his hair dripping onto his forehead as Yangyang steps forward and pulls him into a searing kiss.Mark’s trying his best not to look. He’s failing.
The kiss is tame, all things considered – getting permission for a same-sex kiss was difficult enough for a show in its first season, they’d need to wait for a second or maybe even third season before pushing for anything more graphic – but Mark can’t tear his eyes away.
Yangyang’s hand comes up to cradle the back of Jaemin’s neck, their lips sealed together as the water drips from their eyelashes, making it seem almost like they’re crying from relief. They part, and Mark can see the way Jaemin’s lips have swollen red under the pressure from Yangyang’s lips, can see the way his pupils have blown wide as he looks at Yangyang like he’s the most precious person in the world.They deliver a few more lines before Yuta cuts, but Mark doesn’t hear a word – his head is spinning, the image of Jaemin and Yangyang, lips locked, replaying over and over again in his mind’s eye.“What did you think?” He jumps, slamming back into his body and looking over to Jaemin, whose eyes are on his, curious and expectant.
“Oh, um. Uh,” Mark scrambles for the right thing to say. Jaemin’s eyebrows raise slowly towards his hairline. “It was great! You two did awesome. Really professional! Yeah!” Mark gives Jaemin two thumbs up. Jaemin looks at him, visibly bewildered.
“Thank you?”Thankfully, before Mark can say anything else and embarrass himself further, Yuta is calling for a second take, and Jaemin is moving back over to stand beside Yangyang, shooting a calculating look back in Mark’s direction as he goes.Mark sweats under his gaze. He can practically see the cogs turning in Jaemin’s mind, and he’s terrified that Jaemin’s going to come to exactly the right conclusion.“It’s pretty crazy how good Jaemin’s acting is.” Mark jumps, clutching his chest. Donghyuck has sidled up alongside him, but Mark hadn’t noticed – too absorbed in watching Jaemin.“Jesus Christ, Donghyuck. Warn a guy next time?” Donghyuck smirks from beside Mark. Mark sighs. “What were you saying?”“I was saying that it’s crazy how good Jaemin’s acting is,” Donghyuck says patiently. He grins at Mark, wicked. “He would never be that submissive in real life.”Mark stops thinking.
“I, uh. I guess you would know,” he chokes out.
“I sure do.” Donghyuck snorts and claps him on the back.
“Good fucking luck, Lee Mark.”Jaemin, who has always been an insufferable flirt, starts stepping things up over the next few days – but not with Mark, like Mark might have hoped. Instead, he begins draping himself all over Yangyang.
Now that they’ve gotten past the big confession scene, they’re constantly filming scenes where Yangyang and Jaemin act all cutesy and coupley together, and that would be fine – but it’s continuing even when the cameras are off. Jaemin lingers at Yangyang’s side, leaning into his space and whispering sweet nothings in his ear that make Yangyang blush and laugh. He turns down Mark’s offer of dinner in favor of going out with Yangyang, suddenly Yangyang is getting an invite from Jaemin to sit with the two of them at lunch, and Mark is forced to watch their flirting up close and personal while he pretends not to be green with envy.He tells himself that his jealousy is irrational. Jaemin isn’t his to get jealous over. If Jaemin wants to flirt with Yangyang, that’s his right – Mark isn’t his boyfriend. Not anymore.Still, he notices that every time Jaemin flirts with Yangyang, he looks Mark’s way, as if checking for his reaction. Mark’s been trying to perfect his poker face, but a part of him worries that Jaemin’s seen right through him. The delusional part of him insists that Jaemin’s trying to make him jealous on purpose – that he wants Mark just as badly as Mark wants him.The rational part of him tells him that Jaemin probably just wants to make sure that Mark doesn’t disapprove of two actors on his set being in a relationship. As a showrunner, Mark couldn’t care less – sure, it could make things awkward if they break up, but they’re both professionals. As the guy that’s in love with Jaemin, he can’t help but be vehemently against it.It’s days of torture before Jaemin finally corners him. They’re in Mark’s apartment, eating takeout for dinner and hanging out after a long day of filming, when Jaemin suddenly speaks up.“You know, you hide your jealousy really well.” Mark freezes, chopsticks halfway to his mouth. His eyes slide slowly over to Jaemin, who is curled up on the couch across from where Mark sits at the table. He’s looking at Mark, something terribly knowing in his eyes, and Mark feels laid bare, skin itching.“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His voice is tight and quiet. The bite of kimchi and rice he’d been about to eat before Jaemin’s sudden outburst falls from his chopsticks back into the bowl.Jaemin ignores him and continues, his casual tone betrayed by the sharp, predatory smile growing at the corners of his lips. “You hid it so well that I almost believed it. But you’re crazy about me, aren’t you?” He studies Mark in silence for a moment, and Mark feels his breath hitch in his chest. Jaemin smirks. “You can’t bear thinking about the fact that Donghyuck and I used to date. You can’t stand seeing Yangyang kiss me, even if it’s all for show. Even if he’s only flirting with me because I asked him to help me get your attention.”Mark swallows and looks away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he tries to insist, but his voice is raspy, and he can feel the desperation clawing at his chest, part of him jumping for joy at the news that the thing Jaemin had with Yangyang was truly nothing – all to get his attention, in fact. If Jaemin is to be believed.Still, he shouldn’t get his hopes up. He tightens his grip on his chopsticks and forces himself to take another bite.A few moments pass in silence as Mark shovels food into his mouth, desperately avoiding eye contact. Mark can feel the weight of Jaemin’s gaze on him, examining him.“Why don’t you want to have sex with me, Lee Mark?” Jaemin asks, and Mark chokes. Jaemin continues, unbothered. “Is it because of your good Christian boy values? No sex outside committed relationships? No sex before marriage?”“It’s not that,” Mark mutters, cheeks burning. Jaemin raises an eyebrow.“Oh, really,” he says, deadpan.“It’s not!” Mark insists, flustered.
“Well, if it was…” Jaemin drawls. “We never technically broke up, you know.”Mark blinks at him. Once. Twice. He opens his mouth.
The next thing he knows, he's being slammed up against the wall of his bedroom, Jaemin’s tongue halfway down his throat. He can feel Jaemin's hands burning where he's grabbed him by his thighs and hoisted him up against the wall, and his hands are buried in Jaemin's hair, scrabbling for purchase as he wraps his legs around Jaemin's waist.He whimpers as Jaemin’s teeth dig into his bottom lip. Jaemin growls, a possessive, pleased thing, and pulls back to begin pressing kisses down the column of Mark’s neck, sucking on the sensitive skin and biting hard enough to bruise – Mark knows he’s going to have to wear a turtleneck to work tomorrow, but he’s finding it hard to give a damn.
“Jaemin,” he whimpers, tugging at the strands of hair between his fingers. Jaemin moans in response and tightens his grip on Mark’s thighs, biting down into the tender flesh where Mark’s shoulder meets his neck. Mark keens, tears springing into his eyes, the pain mixing gloriously with pleasure. “God, fuck – Jaemin, please –” His voice is ragged, gasping for air, and he doesn’t know what exactly he’s begging for, but Jaemin detaches from his shoulder and runs his tongue along the indentation left behind in Mark’s flesh by his teeth and pulls him off the wall, dropping Mark onto his bed and pushing him back until he’s leaning against the headboard. Mark goes willingly, letting his legs slip from Jaemin’s waist, taking a sharp intake of breath when his back makes contact with the headboard. A moment later, Jaemin is following him, climbing over him by throwing a leg over Mark’s thighs so he can straddle his lap, bracketing Mark’s hips with his knees.Mark’s fingers are still tangled in Jaemin’s hair, and he takes full advantage of that fact to force Jaemin closer, dragging him into a hot, open-mouthed kiss. It’s messy and wet and Mark can feel Jaemin’s warm, panting breath hit the back of his throat. It’s fucking perfect.Jaemin settles into Mark’s lap, grinding down experimentally, and Mark moans into Jaemin’s mouth, hips bucking up into the friction.
Jaemin’s hands settle on Mark’s hips, beneath his shirt. His hands are warm, burning where they rest on Mark’s skin. Jaemin begins to feel the planes of Mark’s stomach, sliding his hands up to rest on Mark’s pectorals. He disconnects their lips just long enough to force Mark’s shirt up over his head and throw it behind him on the floor of Mark’s bedroom, and then he’s leaning back in to lick a wet stripe up Mark’s chest. Mark shudders and moans, and Jaemin puts his tongue back in his mouth with a wicked grin, leaning back to tug off his own shirt.Mark’s eyes trail down Jaemin’s well-defined chest and abdomen, pupils blown wide, and his desperate desire grows deeper still. He wants Jaemin to eat him alive with those perfect teeth of his, wants to let Jaemin crawl inside his skin and make it his own, wants Jaemin to kiss and lick and bite until there’s nothing left of him. Jaemin groans as Mark’s fingernails dig into his scalp without thought – an instinctual reaction, a desire to possess, to take, to own.
Mark presses another wet kiss to Jaemin’s lips, and when he pulls back, he realizes that Jaemin’s eyes are fixed on Mark’s necklace. It’s a simple silver cross that his parents gifted him on the day of his confirmation that sits between his collarbones, dainty and beautiful. Jaemin leans forward, considering it for a long moment. Suddenly, he’s taking it into his mouth, sucking on the charm as he looks up at Mark with smoldering eyes.
“Fuck,” Mark whispers. The cross is a symbol of the atonement, the total forgiveness of sins. Despite the fact that it’s textbook sacrilege, what Jaemin’s doing – unholy and wrong according to all the scriptures – seeing Jaemin here, caging Mark in and holding the symbol of his God between his teeth… how can it be anything but holy? Wasn’t Mark’s greatest sin allowing Jaemin to slip through his fingers?
Jaemin smirks and lets the cross fall from his mouth, saliva clinging to the metal and dripping from his already swollen, slick lips as the charm falls back to rest on Mark’s chest, leaving behind Jaemin’s spit as residue where it lands against Mark’s already sweaty skin.
Jaemin’s fingers pop open the button on Mark’s jeans, and Mark gasps as he shifts off of his lap, letting Mark shimmy out of his pants while Jaemin rids himself of his own beside him.
The moment they’re off, Jaemin is pulling Mark down to lie flat on his back. He pulls Mark’s boxers down, letting his cock spring free – it’s fully erect, precum already leaking from the tip. Jaemin eyes it, something hungry in his eyes.“So desperate for me, Mark,” He purrs. “You’re so beautiful like this. All mine.” He pauses, and looks up into Mark’s face. “Where are your condoms and lube?”“Bedside table, bottom drawer,” Mark chokes out, cheeks flushed red, the praise Jaemin lavished on him only intensifying the heat in the pit of his stomach. Jaemin smiles, and reaches up to pat him on the cheek.“Such a good boy.” Mark lets out a noise he didn’t think he was capable of making – it’s something between a groan and a mewl – as Jaemin shifts and moves away, grabbing a condom out of Mark’s drawer and tearing it open. He grabs Mark’s small bottle of lube and comes back, straddling Mark’s thighs while he rolls the condom onto his dick.“I’m going to ride you,” Jaemin says casually. Mark whimpers, throwing an arm over his face to hide his eyes and the furious blush he can feel burning on his cheeks. “Hey, no. Look at me, Mark.” Jaemin’s voice is commanding, leaving no room for debate, and Mark carefully slides his arm away, peering up at Jaemin. His eyes are fiery, pinning Mark in place.
“Good. As I was saying.” He shifts closer. “I’m going to ride you, but first, I need to finger myself open.” Mark gasps, and Jaemin’s smirk widens, pleased. “Can you keep yourself from coming while I do that, Mark?” He croons, dragging a hand through Mark’s hair. “Can you be good for me?”Mark nods frantically, and Jaemin’s smile widens further. “Good.” He’s sitting beside Mark now, giving Mark a front row seat as he sheds his underwear and coats his fingers in lube, carefully inserting first one finger, then another, into his hole.Jaemin is efficient with it, clearly just trying to loosen up enough to be able to take Mark’s cock – the bare minimum amount of preparation to be safe. He looks at Mark as he fingers himself open, and says, “I don’t usually do this, you know.”“What, have sex?” Mark breathes out. Jaemin laughs, breaking off with a gasp of pleasure. Once he’s recovered, he continues.“Not that. I have plenty of sex. I just don’t usually bottom.”“I don't know if I’d call this bottoming,” Mark says, incredulous. Jaemin fixes him with a look.“Sorry if I’m about to shock your delicate Christian sensibilities, but there’s a difference between bottoming and… ah… domming,” Jaemin gasps, three fingers deep. “I’m bottoming for you, but I’m certainly not exactly submissive right now.” He smirks at Mark. “A lot of queer Christian guys like it that way, you know.”“Thanks, I appreciate it,” Mark breathes, and he means it, truly. It’s not his first time having sex with a man, but it’s true that he’s always been on top. There’s something about bottoming – about allowing another man inside his body like that – that has always felt more vulnerable, somehow. “For explaining, and for letting me top for our first time. I really didn’t know the difference.”“That’s alright,” Jaemin says simply. “Lots of people don’t.”“By lots of people, you mean lots of repressed Christian boys like me,” Mark says wryly. Jaemin snorts.
“Well, yes.”“Had sex with a lot of repressed Christian boys?” Marks asks, slightly curious.“Well,” Jaemin hesitates, but only for a moment. “Yes.” He laughs. “Donghyuck always said it was because I was still pining after you, you know. That I had a Lee Mark kink. Though of course, he didn’t know your name at the time. He just knew you as my first ever ex-boyfriend.”“Well,” Mark says. “I am that.”Jaemin laughs breathlessly. “I thought... ah... we agreed we’d never broken up.”“Right,” Mark says. He laughs, light, warm from the inside out. “I guess so.”Jaemin is still working on fingering himself open – Mark probably shouldn’t find it as hot as he does that Jaemin kept on doing it while they held a conversation. They lapse into silence, and Mark allows himself to drift, eyes fixed hungrily, absentmindedly, on Jaemin’s fingers as they work his hole open for Mark.He knows there’s nothing wrong with bottoming – knows deep down that probably, he’d prefer it to topping – but it’s hard to shake that small voice inside of him, the voice that belongs to the version of him that attended Sunday School and was taught that sex was only ever between a man and a woman, and as a man, he was meant to be the one penetrating. He thinks he understands what Jaemin means, when he says that a lot of queer Christian men prefer sex this way.But he doesn’t want to be like this forever – doesn’t want to keep denying himself experiences because his pastor when he was in elementary school implied that being the one penetrated was inherently submissive, feminine, wrong. There’s nothing wrong with femininity, and on top of that, there’s nothing inherently feminine about bottoming.
Hell, Jaemin’s the manliest man he knows, and he’s about to bottom for Mark. In Mark’s humble adult opinion, all those gender roles, all the patriarchal expectations… it’s all fucking bullshit. He thinks about this, and makes a decision. He sucks in a breath, and interrupts Jamein’s sporadic, breathy moans.“Next time, can you…” Mark hesitates, looking up at Jaemin through his lashes. Jaemin begins to pull his fingers out, moaning as he does, eyes fixed on Mark the whole time.“Can I what, Mark? Use your… ah…” He grits his teeth, a noise of pleasure tearing itself from his throat and cutting him off. He takes a moment to compose himself, breathing heavily. Recovers. “Use your words.” “Will you fuck me next time?” Mark whispers. “I want to feel you inside me.” Jaemin grins and for a moment it’s dripping with pure love, honored that Mark would trust him with this, before it melts away to make way for a predatory smirk. He looks like the cat that got the cream.
“Absolutely, darling.” His fingers finally slip fully out of his hole, and he resettles onto Mark’s lap, lining up Mark’s dick with his entrance. “But for right now, I’m going to sit on your dick and enjoy the experience immensely.”“Knock yourself out,” Mark wheezes, breathless. Jaemin smiles one last wicked smile, and sinks down onto Mark’s dick. Mark whimpers and Jaemin groans as he settles – he’s so tight around Mark’s cock, it’s fucking delicious. Jaemin begins to move, rolling his hips slowly as he tests the waters, and Mark gasps.
“Fuck, Jaemin. I’m not…” Jaemin grinds down, smirking, and he cuts himself off with a sharp intake of breath. “Fuck. You menace. I’m not going to last very long.”“It’s alright,” Jaemin says, raspy. “I’m not going to either.” His cock is stiff, leaking precum onto Mark’s stomach. Mark feels himself relax, comforted by the evidence that Jaemin is just as affected as he is.
They find a rhythm as Jaemin rides Mark’s dick, Jaemin’s hips rolling sensually as Mark gasps and tugs at the strands of Jaemin’s hair. Before long, Mark can feel himself beginning to tip over the edge.
“Jaemin, I’m –” He gasps. “I’m gonna come, fuck –”
Jaemin smirks and rolls his hips forward with purpose. Mark shatters apart, the orgasm slamming into him. His vision whites out, and Jaemin moans. Mark feels sticky come splatter across his stomach, Jaemin joining him in pleasure.In the afterglow, after Jaemin has rolled off of him and they’ve cleaned themselves up, Mark is curled up on Jaemin’s chest as Jaemin cards his fingers through Mark’s hair.
“I’m in Korea to stay,” Mark whispers into the silence. He sees the corner of Jaemin’s lips pull up into a small smile at the words. “For the next few years, at the very least.”“Hm. No seventeen hour time difference,” Jaemin observes.
“Nope,” Mark whispers. They lapse into comfortable silence for a moment. Mark snuggles into Jaemin’s side further, throwing a leg over Jaemin’s leg to slot between his thighs. He looks up at Jaemin, matching his smile with one of his own. “We’re not teenagers anymore, either.”“Two adults with stable jobs. That’s sexy,” Jaemin says, grinning. Mark laughs.“Yeah, it is sexy.” He calms down, and tilts his head to the side. “So, you’re willing to get back together?”Jaemin snickers, and his chest vibrates under Mark’s cheek. “I thought we agreed that we never broke up?”Mark blushes, and lets a breathy laugh escape his lips. “Right. Just making sure.”“Well, I’m sure,” Jaemin huffs, and he pulls Mark closer. “I’ve never believed in the concept of the one that got away, and your entire existence was kind of fucking that up. Unfortunately for you, now that I’ve got you back, you’re stuck with me forever. To prove a point to the universe.”Mark buries his face in Jaemin’s chest while he laughs, because, well – it’s so Jaemin. Competitive over nothing, except when it comes to silly things like this. Competitive only when he finds it funny.
“Okay, Jaemin. I guess I’m stuck with you.”
Jaemin lets out a pleased noise and tightens his arms around Mark, who grins widely and lets his eyes flutter shut. He settles in and drifts off to sleep to the sound of Jaemin’s steady breathing, his head resting on Jaemin’s chest, right over his heart.
After all this time apart, being here in Jaemin’s arms feels like forgiveness. More than that – it feels like salvation.In many ways, it feels like coming home.